It's been a while, huh?
I think the last episode dropped December 20th.
In fact, I don't just think, I know, I went back and looked.
Hmm, what to say?
What I should have done was anticipate that I would have needed time, acknowledging that
I wouldn't be able to keep up with the demands of my situation as they occurred over the
past few weeks.
Old habits die hard, though, and I stubbornly told myself I would just figure it out.
Really, I needed to take one less thing off my to-do list in order to simply survive.
Since this journey is about learning, healing, and growth, I do my best to not beat myself
up for it, or shame myself.
I'm taking this as a learning opportunity to tell myself, hey, you needed to set up
a boundary here and stick to it.
Now you just know for next time.
I'm sitting here recording this January 8th in the new year.
Let's just say, mind the gap.
With that, I'm really sorry to my listeners, who may have been scratching your heads wondering
where I went off to.
I can tell you what it wasn't a case of, though, giving up.
In fact, the last few days, I've had this gnawing sensation that just wouldn't let me
settle.
Once I sat down in front of the computer to create this content for you, I began to feel
the pressure easing off.
This is what I meant to do.
This is what I enjoy doing.
Although the podcast hasn't kicked off in any major way, I will still occasionally receive
messages that what I've said along the way has really impacted somebody, or allowed them
to relate to my experiences and just help them feel validated.
When I was asked a few days ago how the podcast was doing, I felt a pang of guilt.
Fuck, I need to get back to it.
It's not really a secret that I've been writing on yet again another struggle bus.
And the last thing on my mind is marketing or promoting the podcast.
That's okay.
It's not about that, at least not right now.
I'm simply enjoying putting it out there, being authentic, sharing my perspective with
the world.
If it helps people, that's even better.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be happy with simply being able to keep up with regular
episodes and I'll worry about the rest later.
It's just there's something that's whispering to me.
Keep going.
I recently read a story that talked about a man whose pursuit in life had been to find
precious crystals and so he began mining away, full of optimism.
He kept moving forward, but eventually the fact he wasn't finding crystals was wearing
him down and eventually he gave up.
And just so happened that the day he decided to give up was the day he would have broke
through and found the crystals, which would have made him a very rich man as there was
an abundance to pass the point where he had stopped.
I thought about this and I wondered, what if?
What if I keep going even when it's hard and it hasn't made it anywhere yet and that's
the thing that really gives me the break I need to gain more exposure to get discovered.
Alternatively, what if I give up and learn way later in some way that if I hadn't given
up it was a few episodes later that I would have started getting emails or a call pertaining
to the podcast.
Listening to this inner voice that I'm hearing that is pushing me forward is really what's
keeping me going.
So here we are.
This is also important because it's one of the first times in my life where I recognize
that I am not talking negatively to myself.
Instead of telling myself what's the point you're not getting anywhere, I hear a more
positive voice encouraging, supportive from within myself and that's the most important
voice of all.
Then of course the voice of my partner, my friends and my family who are also wonderfully
supportive.
I'm pretty proud of myself.
The work is working.
The reason for the delay in content has honestly been everything shoved together into one box
all at once.
There are deeper things, but realistically it was hard to manage after I parked the
trailer for this season.
My parents home was inundated with massive amounts of snow in a huge storm that lasted
for days resulting in the highways being closed basically the entire time.
I spent a lot of time shoveling and helping my dad with the physical tasks of removing
snow from the roof of many buildings on the property and preparing for this next chapter.
I went through a lot of my belongings in search of the journals I'd been missing when I left
with Tabby.
I had to make decisions on what I would bring back with me.
When the highway finally opened for a brief few days and I was able to leave, it was followed
by a long three days of driving.
I will fail you in with a more in-depth update along the way, but I had a migraine.
I was really tired.
I had no capacity.
Not to mention trying to navigate slippery icy highways when all I wanted to do was get
back to my guy.
That was tough.
I suppose I could take the time for the formal announcement, although it's not really a
secret.
We've officially taken the next steps in our relationship and I've moved in with him,
which means that I now live in a very rural northern town in the middle of nowhere that
most people have probably never heard of.
Not that I ever thought this would be my life honestly, but it's been the best place for
me the last few weeks.
It's offered me the solitude that life on the road did, but also provides quality time
with my guy when he's home from work, so that we can work towards building a life together,
whatever we decide that looks like for us.
I'm still in the mindset of surprise whenever I think, oh, I don't have to leave.
The first year of us was constant countdowns and trying to cram so much in, not being able
to fully unwind, especially not in this space.
I'm holding onto this feeling because it's a really nice one, and I get giddy when I
think, oh, I live here now, we live together.
I guess in a way, it's still some semblance of long distance.
I get the luxury of 7 days to myself when he goes to work, but it's almost the perfect
way to ensure that I get the balance I need.
So far so good, I don't anticipate that will change, unless it's for the better, of course.
I've created myself a little nest, a space in which to complete the activities that fill
my soul and allow me to pour my inspiration into the world, so I truly couldn't ask for
more at this time.
Then Christmas came.
Coming from a small family, there wasn't as much going on during the holiday season.
Tanner has a pretty big family, so we were busy visiting, participating in the yearly
traditions, and I did my best to be an active participant, which meant everything else took
a temporary pause.
I'm happy to say, I'm back, and I should be good to restart regular scheduled episodes
for your listening pleasure.
I look forward to giving you updates and lots of interesting topics to ponder in the near
future.
As always, I am ever so grateful for everybody who tunes in.
Thank you for that.
I'll see you soon.