1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,600 It's been a while, huh? 2 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:07,880 I think the last episode dropped December 20th. 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,640 In fact, I don't just think, I know, I went back and looked. 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,480 Hmm, what to say? 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:21,680 What I should have done was anticipate that I would have needed time, acknowledging that 6 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:27,480 I wouldn't be able to keep up with the demands of my situation as they occurred over the 7 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,720 past few weeks. 8 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:36,240 Old habits die hard, though, and I stubbornly told myself I would just figure it out. 9 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:42,800 Really, I needed to take one less thing off my to-do list in order to simply survive. 10 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,680 Since this journey is about learning, healing, and growth, I do my best to not beat myself 11 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,200 up for it, or shame myself. 12 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:57,000 I'm taking this as a learning opportunity to tell myself, hey, you needed to set up 13 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,080 a boundary here and stick to it. 14 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,320 Now you just know for next time. 15 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:06,760 I'm sitting here recording this January 8th in the new year. 16 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,280 Let's just say, mind the gap. 17 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:16,360 With that, I'm really sorry to my listeners, who may have been scratching your heads wondering 18 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,040 where I went off to. 19 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:23,200 I can tell you what it wasn't a case of, though, giving up. 20 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:29,320 In fact, the last few days, I've had this gnawing sensation that just wouldn't let me 21 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,320 settle. 22 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:35,880 Once I sat down in front of the computer to create this content for you, I began to feel 23 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,440 the pressure easing off. 24 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,680 This is what I meant to do. 25 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,360 This is what I enjoy doing. 26 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:49,120 Although the podcast hasn't kicked off in any major way, I will still occasionally receive 27 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:54,920 messages that what I've said along the way has really impacted somebody, or allowed them 28 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:59,800 to relate to my experiences and just help them feel validated. 29 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:05,720 When I was asked a few days ago how the podcast was doing, I felt a pang of guilt. 30 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,880 Fuck, I need to get back to it. 31 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:14,800 It's not really a secret that I've been writing on yet again another struggle bus. 32 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:19,680 And the last thing on my mind is marketing or promoting the podcast. 33 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:20,680 That's okay. 34 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,960 It's not about that, at least not right now. 35 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:29,280 I'm simply enjoying putting it out there, being authentic, sharing my perspective with 36 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,280 the world. 37 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,200 If it helps people, that's even better. 38 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:38,440 I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be happy with simply being able to keep up with regular 39 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,520 episodes and I'll worry about the rest later. 40 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,960 It's just there's something that's whispering to me. 41 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,360 Keep going. 42 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:53,440 I recently read a story that talked about a man whose pursuit in life had been to find 43 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:59,240 precious crystals and so he began mining away, full of optimism. 44 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:04,360 He kept moving forward, but eventually the fact he wasn't finding crystals was wearing 45 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,840 him down and eventually he gave up. 46 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,960 And just so happened that the day he decided to give up was the day he would have broke 47 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:18,800 through and found the crystals, which would have made him a very rich man as there was 48 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:22,680 an abundance to pass the point where he had stopped. 49 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:26,480 I thought about this and I wondered, what if? 50 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:31,240 What if I keep going even when it's hard and it hasn't made it anywhere yet and that's 51 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:36,960 the thing that really gives me the break I need to gain more exposure to get discovered. 52 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:43,000 Alternatively, what if I give up and learn way later in some way that if I hadn't given 53 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,840 up it was a few episodes later that I would have started getting emails or a call pertaining 54 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,280 to the podcast. 55 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:56,080 Listening to this inner voice that I'm hearing that is pushing me forward is really what's 56 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,720 keeping me going. 57 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,160 So here we are. 58 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:05,680 This is also important because it's one of the first times in my life where I recognize 59 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,480 that I am not talking negatively to myself. 60 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:14,080 Instead of telling myself what's the point you're not getting anywhere, I hear a more 61 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:20,600 positive voice encouraging, supportive from within myself and that's the most important 62 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,320 voice of all. 63 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:28,720 Then of course the voice of my partner, my friends and my family who are also wonderfully 64 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:29,720 supportive. 65 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,920 I'm pretty proud of myself. 66 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,120 The work is working. 67 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:41,280 The reason for the delay in content has honestly been everything shoved together into one box 68 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,760 all at once. 69 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:47,880 There are deeper things, but realistically it was hard to manage after I parked the 70 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,840 trailer for this season. 71 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:55,720 My parents home was inundated with massive amounts of snow in a huge storm that lasted 72 00:04:55,720 --> 00:05:01,120 for days resulting in the highways being closed basically the entire time. 73 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:06,280 I spent a lot of time shoveling and helping my dad with the physical tasks of removing 74 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:11,960 snow from the roof of many buildings on the property and preparing for this next chapter. 75 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:16,680 I went through a lot of my belongings in search of the journals I'd been missing when I left 76 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:17,840 with Tabby. 77 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:21,560 I had to make decisions on what I would bring back with me. 78 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:27,520 When the highway finally opened for a brief few days and I was able to leave, it was followed 79 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,400 by a long three days of driving. 80 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:37,120 I will fail you in with a more in-depth update along the way, but I had a migraine. 81 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,400 I was really tired. 82 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,400 I had no capacity. 83 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:46,560 Not to mention trying to navigate slippery icy highways when all I wanted to do was get 84 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,160 back to my guy. 85 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,240 That was tough. 86 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:55,400 I suppose I could take the time for the formal announcement, although it's not really a 87 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,400 secret. 88 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:01,880 We've officially taken the next steps in our relationship and I've moved in with him, 89 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:08,240 which means that I now live in a very rural northern town in the middle of nowhere that 90 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,800 most people have probably never heard of. 91 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,600 Not that I ever thought this would be my life honestly, but it's been the best place for 92 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,720 me the last few weeks. 93 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:23,960 It's offered me the solitude that life on the road did, but also provides quality time 94 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:29,800 with my guy when he's home from work, so that we can work towards building a life together, 95 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,400 whatever we decide that looks like for us. 96 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:39,000 I'm still in the mindset of surprise whenever I think, oh, I don't have to leave. 97 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:46,040 The first year of us was constant countdowns and trying to cram so much in, not being able 98 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:50,360 to fully unwind, especially not in this space. 99 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:55,480 I'm holding onto this feeling because it's a really nice one, and I get giddy when I 100 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,160 think, oh, I live here now, we live together. 101 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:03,480 I guess in a way, it's still some semblance of long distance. 102 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:08,720 I get the luxury of 7 days to myself when he goes to work, but it's almost the perfect 103 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,360 way to ensure that I get the balance I need. 104 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:18,360 So far so good, I don't anticipate that will change, unless it's for the better, of course. 105 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:24,080 I've created myself a little nest, a space in which to complete the activities that fill 106 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:29,480 my soul and allow me to pour my inspiration into the world, so I truly couldn't ask for 107 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,840 more at this time. 108 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,640 Then Christmas came. 109 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:38,480 Coming from a small family, there wasn't as much going on during the holiday season. 110 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:43,520 Tanner has a pretty big family, so we were busy visiting, participating in the yearly 111 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:49,080 traditions, and I did my best to be an active participant, which meant everything else took 112 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,760 a temporary pause. 113 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:55,960 I'm happy to say, I'm back, and I should be good to restart regular scheduled episodes 114 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,840 for your listening pleasure. 115 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:02,480 I look forward to giving you updates and lots of interesting topics to ponder in the near 116 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,600 future. 117 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:07,600 As always, I am ever so grateful for everybody who tunes in. 118 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,600 Thank you for that. 119 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,600 I'll see you soon.