1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,280 I'm on my way home. 2 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:07,840 I'm on the road, on a time crunch, in hopes of beating the snow. 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:13,120 As I mentioned before, I don't really want to experience towing a trailer on bare-treaded 4 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,480 tires in snowy conditions. 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:20,440 I feel like I've done enough learning this year with everything I've gone through, and 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:25,080 I'd be okay with taking a break from adding more to the list of accomplishments. 7 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:28,920 This is resulting in me having to hammer out this drive. 8 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,320 It's a long distance to go, with very little time for myself. 9 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,680 Much less exercise than I'm used to. 10 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:41,160 You know, the movement that I desperately need to remain healthy in mind, body, and spirit. 11 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:46,680 I am managing but a few lines in the journal here and there when I get a second. 12 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,440 I just need to get this drive over with. 13 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,600 Snow could be here any day now. 14 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,280 It's getting colder as I go further north. 15 00:00:54,280 --> 00:01:00,320 I am very thankful that at this time, Central Ontario, where my parents are, is so much 16 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,960 milder than the West. 17 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,200 So while the snow has arrived in Saskatchewan, there's still hope yet. 18 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,760 It's only a matter of time. 19 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:13,440 I've been realizing that over the last little while, I need to learn to be more gentle with 20 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,360 myself, to show myself kindness. 21 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:20,040 I'm often unaware that I'm being mean to myself. 22 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:24,240 It's been such an ingrained pattern of behavior for so long. 23 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,880 Much too long. 24 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:31,440 From here on out, I vow to practice kindness and compassion in the moments that I may not 25 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:32,760 be doing so. 26 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,840 I am ashamed to admit, and I do hold a fear of judgment. 27 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,760 For the last while, I've been struggling with my body. 28 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:45,800 I've allowed myself to enjoy food that are not easily accessible back home. 29 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,680 I had Mexican the other night, justified by this exact reason. 30 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,920 They don't have authentic Mexican cuisine in Canada, never mind in the great white north. 31 00:01:54,920 --> 00:02:01,040 I try to tell myself that a part of enjoyment in life is enjoying these experiences. 32 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:05,240 Unfortunately, and I really don't know if it's stress related, I've been eating in 33 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:11,120 such a specific way for so long that it seems like my body reacts with absolute violence 34 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,120 to the consumption of any foreign food. 35 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,920 Not culturally, but foods that are foreign to my system. 36 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:22,200 I confide to close friends who tell me they experience similar things. 37 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,120 But that doesn't seem true, not in my mind. 38 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,320 Objectively, it makes sense. 39 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,840 We're so much harder on ourselves, and maybe that's why. 40 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:35,720 But I don't understand why I need to bloat like a balloon, to be plagued with gas to 41 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:40,560 an extreme level of discomfort where it looks like I've gained 10 pounds overnight. 42 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,760 Of course, it's perceived as more of an obvious problem by me. 43 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,960 Having a smaller body, it means it's very apparent in a physical sense. 44 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:49,960 Very visible. 45 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:50,960 Apparent. 46 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,800 I struggle to record this, and to put this into words. 47 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,520 There is so much shame. 48 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:02,760 I feel like when I post photos or videos, that people must be thinking, oh, there she is. 49 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,320 She's letting herself slip. 50 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,480 She's gained weight. 51 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,000 I'm embarrassed to post. 52 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,880 I just want to hide. 53 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,560 I hate that I'm hard on myself like this. 54 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,760 But this is the society we live in. 55 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:19,120 This is the cost of having a body and existing as a physical representation of ourselves 56 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,560 within this world. 57 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:25,920 I can't help but worry that interactions with others will yield comments about my increase 58 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:26,920 in weight. 59 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:31,160 This makes sense because the past has proven this true. 60 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:36,000 As I mentioned before, my return from our trip in May, I received two comments on two 61 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:42,120 separate occasions pointing out factually that I had put on weight, that I looked rounder. 62 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,520 Their defense in my attack was, you look healthier now. 63 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,080 You were too thin before. 64 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,200 I can't look at that and be okay with that. 65 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,720 I just can't let it roll off my shoulders. 66 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:57,440 I used to be picked on, made fun of because of my weight, my severely overweight body, 67 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,120 where I couldn't make others happy. 68 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:03,640 I've been too happy, too fat, too ugly, too thin. 69 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,280 Yet, no one ever expressed concern when I was overweight. 70 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:12,640 I was only picked on as though it was a terminal flaw in my hard wiring, in my experience, 71 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:13,920 my existence. 72 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:18,640 And then, the realization that you are treated differently when you lose weight. 73 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:23,960 I get asked so often by those from the past who knew me in the before. 74 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:24,960 What are you doing? 75 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:25,960 What's your secret? 76 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,600 You look so happy. 77 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,200 Compliments galore. 78 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,040 Then you get to a certain point and people's tone changes. 79 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,040 Are you eating enough? 80 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,920 I'm really concerned about you, you look like you're starving yourself. 81 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,440 Then I put on a couple pounds. 82 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,720 Hey, you've gained some weight, hey? 83 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:42,880 As if it's a good thing. 84 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,720 I struggle to comprehend that. 85 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:45,720 I don't get it. 86 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,040 I can't seem to make anyone happy. 87 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:52,600 So then I decide maybe I should ignore it and try to make myself happy. 88 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:57,400 The world just continues on telling you how you're doing it wrong, reminding you exactly 89 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,840 how you're doing it wrong as you go. 90 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,920 Why is it that everything seems to be about my body, my weight? 91 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:09,800 My current dilemma exists in being afraid to be out there when I am my most vulnerable, 92 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:14,760 when I feel weak, when I have moments of time where I feel as though I slip up, where I 93 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,400 rely on food for comfort to try to feel better about things. 94 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:23,560 Then I'm so hard on myself because you shouldn't be this way, nobody else is like this. 95 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:29,720 I don't even want to openly share this, but I promised myself I would. 96 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:36,520 Maybe this too is the space where people live in the dark alongside me, where it's important 97 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,640 to know that you're not alone. 98 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:42,200 Us women, we're so hard on ourselves. 99 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:47,000 Even though logically, we know we're meant to fluctuate in a normal way. 100 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:52,320 It's a mere adaptation for survival, our menstrual cycles, the ability our body holds 101 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,280 to do beautiful things for us. 102 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:59,040 Yet, we're instructed to hate them, and this makes it hard to exist within a body as a 103 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,040 woman. 104 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:05,760 I struggle because I don't understand why I simply can't proceed past this obstacle. 105 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,400 It's always been one or the other for me. 106 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:13,720 I'm either feeling out of control, hating my body, or I feel on top of the world at 107 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:18,120 my absolute best, where I really like where I'm at within myself. 108 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,280 This isn't living. 109 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:25,640 I should be able to exist on this earth in this body, experiencing balance, moderation 110 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:31,560 in every sense of the word, not just food, travel, work, but everything in my life is 111 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:36,320 just in a constant pendulum swing, with no solid footing when it comes to this exact 112 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,640 concept. 113 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,400 When I look back on my life, I can see it. 114 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:46,320 I think of how I would work 7-9 shifts in a row, and that would be the norm for me. 115 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:51,360 My longest stretch, and I'm so ashamed to admit this, and that I used it as a bragging 116 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,600 tool, I worked 21 shifts in a row. 117 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,040 What the hell is that? 118 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,280 That's not even remotely okay. 119 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,520 That is so unhealthy. 120 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,720 What is wrong with me? 121 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,200 Why am I like this? 122 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:08,240 Why am I all in, or not in at all? 123 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:14,120 It is so imperative that I find balance, that I find ways to be kinder to myself. 124 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:20,320 I wish I truly believed that everyone experiences what I'm going through, that others feel the 125 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,280 same, and that due to shame, we just don't share it. 126 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:29,760 It does make sense, and right now, I am ashamed, as though something is wrong with me, something 127 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,560 I can't figure out even still. 128 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:36,560 I don't understand why I bloat when I have too much salty food. 129 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:42,440 I know everybody does, but it's excessive in a way that I appear 3 months pregnant, 130 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,160 rather than just a blip for a day or so. 131 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:50,720 The media, diet culture, the pressure we put on ourselves, which we then place onto others 132 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:55,160 because we're so hard on ourselves, that those around us think that we expect that of them 133 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,160 too. 134 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:02,320 I know that I have personally triggered others into saying or doing things, even though I 135 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:07,520 truly believe that what applies to me does not apply to others. 136 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,560 That others should not treat themselves like this. 137 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,360 They should not talk to themselves this way. 138 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:18,400 It's almost as though I set an example that others take as a message that says, you're 139 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:23,160 not doing a good job if you're not being as holy as me with my regiment. 140 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:28,360 This shows up in forms of comments stated in my direction about how people feel about 141 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,840 themselves and their beliefs. 142 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:35,820 When we're out at a restaurant and I eat a certain way, there's comments on my choices 143 00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:42,440 versus theirs, where they express shame about themselves in the open, in an accusatory way 144 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:46,320 as though I would be judging them when I am not. 145 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:52,200 Or could I care less as to the choices someone else makes for their bodies in that way on 146 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,360 any given day? 147 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,160 This would happen at work all the time. 148 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:04,880 I recall when people would bring donuts as treats for nurses, comments float around, 149 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:09,440 and I know everyone listening has heard these exact same comments. 150 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,920 Oh, I'll start eating better later. 151 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,320 I deserve a treat. 152 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:20,200 As they grab a donut, in all honesty, I don't really care what it is you're doing, ever. 153 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,760 If you make these choices for yourself, that's fine. 154 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:24,760 You're allowed. 155 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:29,440 You're absolutely allowed to exist on this planet where donuts are available and you can 156 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:34,760 enjoy them, for no other reason than the simple fact that you like donuts. 157 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:39,920 What I'm not okay with is when I'm not believed in my responses. 158 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:45,000 I have never been someone who enjoys many of the treats were given at work. 159 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:49,720 Donuts, cinnamon buns, I've never been a fan of these at any point in my life. 160 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:54,600 I've never made them, I've never baked them, I've never went out and bought them. 161 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:59,080 The comments that ensue when it's noted that I don't partake in the consumption of the 162 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:02,080 items are a lot like accusations. 163 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,600 Oh, right, you're on a diet. 164 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,000 Ugh, you're too good. 165 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,080 I wish I could be like that. 166 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,360 It's none of those things. 167 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:14,040 I just refuse to eat something for the sake of it existing in this space. 168 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,600 It doesn't make sense to me. 169 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:20,640 If it was a plate full of chocolate chip cookies, absolutely I would be enjoying one. 170 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,360 But it makes me angry. 171 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:28,320 It keeps me rooted in the feeling that I am constantly under a watchful eye, living under 172 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,760 a microscope for everything pertaining to food and my body. 173 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:37,720 This isn't in relation to how I put myself out there for all to see, for the podcast 174 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,160 or social media. 175 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,360 It's all the other stuff, the minute details. 176 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,760 If I'm reading a book, what are you reading? 177 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:49,240 If I'm doing anything at all that seems out of the ordinary in the slightest, like let's 178 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,320 say I'm using my laptop at work on break. 179 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,320 What are you doing? 180 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:58,160 I feel like I'm constantly scrutinized, watched, assessed. 181 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:03,200 It makes me wonder, are people worried that I might have unlocked some secret to life 182 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:07,560 providing me with enjoyment or some form of success that they're worried they're not 183 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,760 gonna have discovered for themselves? 184 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:15,360 Are they worried that I'm gonna somehow pass them by by using my laptop at work in some 185 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,160 messed up way, some FOMO? 186 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,600 The point is, I'm struggling right now. 187 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,760 I'm struggling to love myself. 188 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:28,640 I know I need to give myself more love in these moments, these exact moments where I feel 189 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,600 so bad about my body, how I look. 190 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,800 I feel increasingly vulnerable, as though I want and need to hide. 191 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,800 I'm not mad it's getting colder. 192 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:42,320 I can hide behind big sweaters, oversized clothing. 193 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,600 It doesn't change or improve anything though. 194 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:50,200 Even when I feel my best, I prefer large clothes, because I just don't want to hear comments 195 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,960 about my body ever. 196 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,040 I don't like how it makes me feel. 197 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:59,080 I feel like I'm an object that needs to be meeting a basic standard at all times for 198 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:04,840 the enjoyment and comfort of others regardless of what it might mean or look like to me. 199 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:11,320 Because I am driving back, I am trying to let myself know I am aware I need to be more 200 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,320 gentle. 201 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:17,840 I will hopefully get back into a routine that allows me to move my body and just feel better 202 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,160 in my skin. 203 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:24,160 I haven't hiked since I complete the 8km jaunt, which resulted in me seeking medical 204 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:28,040 assistance in the ER of a small town I was passing through. 205 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:33,440 This experience scared me enough that I decided it was time to listen to my body, to take 206 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,320 the rest I need and recover properly. 207 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:41,400 I can't afford to be at the hospital, and there's no sense in putting myself in a situation 208 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,560 that would only delay my healing. 209 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:48,880 Also, I need the proper time to recover to ensure that my voice returns to normal, much 210 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,920 needed for the podcast. 211 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,400 I want to get home. 212 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:57,800 I don't want to relapse and need to end up in the hospital for a lung infection. 213 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,320 I try to tell myself, I'll do yoga, I'll do meditation. 214 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:07,280 I haven't taken the time to do any of this, and I just need to take responsibility and 215 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,320 accountability for that fact. 216 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,640 This is so hard. 217 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,400 The time crunch poses a challenge in this way. 218 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,080 I need to get to camp locations before nightfall to be able to see the spot so that I can back 219 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,240 into them. 220 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:24,040 Most state parks don't have extra lighting, and it makes it really challenging. 221 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:31,440 I've also got this really horrible worry that judgement exists, where people will take 222 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,920 sick pleasure in my putting on weight. 223 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:39,160 That's so fucked up, especially because I don't feel that way, or believe that for 224 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,240 others. 225 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,560 If someone does gain weight, I'm really lucky if I even take note. 226 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,800 I don't think of others in this way, nor do I care. 227 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,960 I care more about the way in which people present themselves. 228 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,040 Are they happy? 229 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,040 Are they healthy? 230 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,280 Are they treating me well? 231 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,760 With love, kindness, respect? 232 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,440 How is it that they're treating me? 233 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:02,320 I would be naive to believe that this is the case with others, though. 234 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:07,920 I know, and have met people, who hold judgments in this way, as a means to gauge other people's 235 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:13,120 happiness and where they are in life, to compare it to themselves as a way of feeling better 236 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,920 about their own unhappiness levels. 237 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:20,640 This is a part of the messed up world in which we live, and it's no wonder shame is such 238 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,400 a deep-rooted experience among us all. 239 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,120 This isn't for those people. 240 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,080 This is not their journey. 241 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,880 Even if they feel this way, I'm still allowed to feel what I feel. 242 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:36,240 I'm still allowed to go through what it is that I'm going through. 243 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:42,520 At the end of the day, the ones who do love and support me as I live this incredible experience, 244 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:47,600 where I get to find out about myself and learn and grow, the judgments don't matter. 245 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:53,680 It doesn't take away from my level of ability to attain things, to reach healing and happiness. 246 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,880 It's just society teaches us we should be ashamed of these things, to be hard on ourselves 247 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,800 and behave this way. 248 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:06,760 In truth, if we do, we're too busy focusing on ourselves and our supposed flaws, that 249 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:11,560 we don't have the time or energy left to recognize what it is that's really happening 250 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,800 around us. 251 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:17,760 It takes us away from the recognition within ourselves that life isn't designed to work 252 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,160 the way it should be. 253 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,160 We can't be happy and healthy in this environment. 254 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,440 It's not sustainable. 255 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:28,680 So instead, we are provided distractions to keep us performing and doing what it is that 256 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,280 is expected of us. 257 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,680 It's a lot, but it's true. 258 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,400 A break from the heaviness. 259 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,400 My sleep? 260 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,400 Meh. 261 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:41,200 I sleep pretty good since I started the antibiotic, minus the occasional night here and there, 262 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,800 attributed to outside noise levels, and I don't have control over that. 263 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,560 In having a cumulative number of good sleeps, though, it has allowed me to remain fairly 264 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,240 energized, at least enough to get through what I need to do. 265 00:15:54,240 --> 00:16:00,440 I feel more of an emotional fatigue starting to creep in, where my capacity is just diminishing. 266 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,680 I'm looking forward to getting there, to feel solid ground beneath my feet and feel 267 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:09,400 more settled in an environment without as many distractions and considerations being 268 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,520 a constant variable I need to contend with. 269 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:19,080 Right now, I crave the time to sit in silence and take in all that I have experienced and 270 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,000 learned within the last 50 or so days away. 271 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,840 Somewhere I can review my notes about my life. 272 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:30,920 In learning so much in such a short amount of time, I need to let it marinate and sit 273 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:31,920 with it. 274 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,720 It's like when you take a class. 275 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,520 You can read an entire textbook, but you need to review it and try to find the tools that 276 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:44,040 work to be able to connect it with the real life experiences, the ones in the now, and 277 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,320 find a way to apply it to your goals moving forward. 278 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:52,080 I want to use it to plan how I want to live my life, so that's something I'm really 279 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,960 looking forward to taking time for. 280 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:59,800 Eventually, I hope to get around to adding it to the book I'm writing, and that's what 281 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,720 it's all coming to ahead with. 282 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:07,000 The book is starting to open my eyes, to transform things, and to allow me to come to terms with 283 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,000 some very important factors. 284 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:14,560 It's allowed me time to think about what direction I think is going to be best suited 285 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:20,520 and sustainable for myself that works to bring me happiness, contentment, and peace. 286 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,960 I really look forward to the quiet time of reflection. 287 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,560 For now, I'm going to leave you with this heavier update to digest. 288 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,760 I'll be back in no time for the next one. 289 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:45,840 You can bet on that.