This is more of a mini update that I've decided to sprinkle in just to keep tabs on my current thoughts and feelings.
Transparency on this journey. That's so important to me.
This might sound weird, but I feel like I'm experiencing a sense of FOMO, or fear of missing out.
There's a list of things to do, and things I wanted to do while here in Phoenix.
They aren't crazy or bucket list type items.
They aren't even hikes that I knew existed before arriving here in the first place.
There's still things that I would have liked to get done before heading out.
I'm feeling FOMO about the fact that I know they exist and I don't get to do them. It's kind of depressing.
Then I ask myself, what do you even have to feel depressed about?
There's so many beautiful places left to explore where you're headed that you've yet to see.
They might even end up being more exciting than the ones you aren't going to get to do here.
I know that, but I dispute it by mentally arguing.
I wanted to challenge myself to complete these seemingly wild hikes that everyone talks about when they refer to these places to visit in Phoenix.
Does that even matter at the end of the day?
Hmm. In the grand scheme of things, probably not.
But FOMO is what it is. A fear of missing out.
The urge to knock things off a list place a check mark in the box.
Even if they aren't my true goal or the whole point of this scenario to begin with, the urge remains.
It's been about a week since I was able to find the time to work on the podcast,
which I know needs to be priority so I don't fall behind.
I just feel like I'm continuously running out of time.
Again, it's a feeling I don't understand. I don't like it. I don't know how to stop it though.
And while my finances are slowly trickling in a depleted direction, it only fuels this motivation to hustle harder.
I do at times consider going home and the possibility of work, though I do not dare to imagine it being where I left.
There's much to consider. It would be a race against the snow to get the trailer home in time for storage, for winterizing,
or if I decide to continue to store it, which brings another maraud of variables that I need to consider.
I realize that I am still coming down from all of the emotions that popped up when I got to see Tanner,
and having to send him off but a few days later.
I don't feel like I have my head back on properly yet at this time.
It's kind of shitty. I also developed a cold of some sort, so that really has been putting a damper on things.
I find myself surprised. I did not expect to feel this way after seeing him. It's hard.
I felt solid, regulated, as though I had my shit together prior to his arrival.
Now, what the fuck am I doing? I was so happy to see him, to be reunited. It's so hard to be apart.
Sure, I'll see him again at Christmas, but again, things to consider.
Am I flying? Am I driving? Does it involve the trailer?
If I were to drop it off at my parents, that would add three weeks of time to consider an account for travel, and yikes.
That sounds like such an ordeal. It exhausts me just talking about it, never mind thinking about it.
When I don't think about it, it still lives in the smallest, darkest corners of my mind, and exists nonetheless.
It's a task added to my to-do list that I simply just don't want to do.
I left to get rid of stress, and yet I still somehow find things to stress about. Always. Why?
Why can't I just be at peace? Why can't I just not?
It's very annoying, very frustrating, and I just don't want to.
I guess I'll just run away, but to where? I don't want to run away from Tanner. I love him.
So, what the fuck? Who designed these things to be this way?
All these inconveniences. I'm not working, but I'm still finding stress. How? Why?
Do I need to go completely off-grid and become a full-fledged hermit?
Today will be a cozy, cuddled day, but I highly suspect I won't be able to do that.
I know how I am, and as a person, this seems to be an impossible feat.
That's not too much in the way of an update, except that I am full of sad sacri, missing my guy,
and reminding myself that he's busy. Running home won't mean I get to see him.
He'll be busy with work, with hunting. This is what I need to remind myself, so that I don't rush home.
He also reminds me of this as a means of convincing me to stay the intended course.
It's really sweet, actually, how he's so supportive in his approach.
I guess I should continue pushing forward. It is what it is.
I slept a lot, though I want to keep sleeping. I have this cough that causes me to expectorate phlegm, always fun.
Hopefully this is the tail end of it, and I'm thankful it hasn't been that bad so far.
Also, in a surprising twist of events, I'm starting to find it exhausting,
and I'm kind of getting tired of moving sights in the way I have been.
When Tanner was here, we had to move three times due to sight availability. It's irritating.
I'm trying to focus on finding spaces that I can rent longer term, so my next go is going to be five nights.
I don't know what comes after that. I hope the parks are nice, that they have good hikes.
If not, I know it'll give me the opportunity to get some work done, to get caught up, and then hopefully stay on top of things.
I'm hoping to make my way to California after that, and I'm really excited to check out Joshua Tree National Park.
I've hit a point in this journey where I can't really go any further north.
At night, it's starting to reach freezing temperatures, and I'm not ready to cold camp or winterize the trailer while using my plumbing.
It's been so nice to have my own personal bathroom, and when I find spots with full hookups,
it's so nice to not have to use public spaces unless I absolutely have to.
It feels like I might be dealing with what I would refer to as an emotional hangover.
Getting this cold is also complicating it, further making it a challenge.
Otherwise, I'm hanging in there, and I'll get you guys another update soon.