1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,720 It's been one month since I released the episode on burnout, and two and a half months 2 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:13,800 since I walked away from what I had identified as being the significant contributing factor 3 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,200 to the entire experience, to the suffering. 4 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,840 I wanted to talk about what I've been learning about myself within the context of burnout 5 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:27,100 after having stepped away from the bedside for some time. 6 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:31,800 I also planned to discuss the thoughts and feelings around this. 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:38,480 The initial point of the podcast and this entire experience was rooted in me attempting 8 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:46,280 to find the source, removing myself and healing from that burnout, to take space away to find 9 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:52,760 out what it is that I needed to do, what I really needed or wanted in my life, to see 10 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:58,960 if the time I've taken away has put it all into alignment and if it's been beneficial 11 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,160 to me. 12 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:05,640 The rest, the sleep, knowing there was no obligation waiting around the corner with 13 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,720 a return to work schedule. 14 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,200 It's been extremely beneficial towards the burnout. 15 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:16,880 It has allowed me to increase my functional capacity as an adult in being able to wake 16 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:24,240 up and perform necessary tasks, feeding myself basic tasks and life skills. 17 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:29,640 There remains times where I simply do not feel like doing these things, but I think 18 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:35,320 it's more of a laziness, learning how to navigate to utilize the new energy that I 19 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:41,160 have regained, rather than sitting and throwing a fit because I feel too unwell, that no one 20 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:47,400 is seeing or acknowledging that, and where I felt unable or not allowed to truly care 21 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,040 how I needed. 22 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:54,720 In the previous burnout specific episode, I touched upon the history that the diagnosis 23 00:01:54,720 --> 00:02:00,880 was established in reference to those specifically in healthcare and in fields requiring people 24 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:06,000 to give of themselves, stretching themselves past a healthy point. 25 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:10,680 What I have learned though, for me at least, it isn't caused from having been in the 26 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:17,360 healthcare field, though that 100% exacerbated it, brought it to the surface at a rapid fire 27 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:22,200 pace, where the lights and sirens were blaring and could no longer be ignored. 28 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:27,800 I sit back and can identify that healthcare is designated as the root cause because of 29 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:34,080 the tendency it has to attract a very specific personality type, the ones that are predisposed 30 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,080 to burnout. 31 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,560 The field just happens to put it on display for all to see. 32 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,640 That's not a coincidence. 33 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,760 It's definitely a parallel factor driving down this path. 34 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:51,320 I see it as a similarity to how humans have an inability to not manage themselves, to 35 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,640 not take care of themselves. 36 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:59,760 That starts with a lack of knowing our worth, being unable to, or not knowing how to set 37 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:05,120 healthy, proper boundaries, and simply not knowing when to say when, not knowing when 38 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,320 to say no, enough is enough. 39 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:14,920 It lies within our inability to regulate ourselves, our emotions, and then throwing it all on 40 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,160 the back burner. 41 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:22,720 A lack of self-worth where the needs of others come before ours, which flows into other parts 42 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:30,680 of society like a poison, where you find yourself at your job in and out, working shifts when 43 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:36,720 you don't have the mental capacity, when you don't want to, but you do it anyways. 44 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:43,160 To tell yourself, I need to pay my bills, showing up no matter what is the expectation. 45 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:48,680 That's how we live our lives, not listening to ourselves, not understanding our true value, 46 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:54,080 and not being able to align all of these variables that are required to keep us healthy and whole 47 00:03:54,080 --> 00:04:00,680 as individuals, to keep us from feeling like we are but robots, executing tasks, where 48 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:06,280 we are sometimes given slivers of time and space, where we can exist as more than that, 49 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,840 where we happen to have any energy left to do so. 50 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:15,960 I guess what I'm realizing now is that even though I've removed myself from healthcare, 51 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:21,920 which I view as a trap, a pit of not listening to yourself, perpetuating that cycle, allowing 52 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:28,520 others around you and society to identify what is both right and wrong for you, that 53 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:33,920 it doesn't allow you the time to look inwards and see, it's the culture surrounding us that's 54 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:34,920 incorrect. 55 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,880 There's nothing wrong with you. 56 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:42,360 The rest from the ridiculous schedule has helped me, but the over exertion of myself 57 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:47,840 towards others and the people pleasing tendencies, my lack of boundaries, there's probably 58 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:53,440 some part of me that does things from a place of feeling a need to people please as a means 59 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:59,240 of validating myself, seeking outside reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that I am 60 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,120 making the right decisions for myself. 61 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:07,400 As I say this, I realize it sounds stupid, these are things that need to come from within 62 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,720 me, only I can know what's right for me and what the right decisions are for myself, but 63 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,640 I have to feel right within myself in order to do so. 64 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:21,400 I admit I am still feeling really good about the validation I receive when people express 65 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:26,960 the awe they feel about what it is that I'm doing, how I'm going across the country, taking 66 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,920 these risks, and the associated bravery. 67 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:34,800 That's validation though, and there's been struggles where I have to stop and ask myself, 68 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,360 is this really what you want? 69 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,720 Is this really what's important to you? 70 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:44,120 I notice that sometimes when I make plans, set up where I'm going, what I'm doing, I 71 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:49,680 haven't been able to achieve balance in the doing of the things I truly want to for myself. 72 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,840 The reason being, they're not as exciting, I won't receive as much praise for these 73 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,880 low key activities. 74 00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:01,000 Even though I know it would make me so incredibly happy, I'm trying to find a way to break free 75 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:06,400 from what I expect from others, what I feel compelled to share, and to let go of doing 76 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:11,480 it in a way that is going to allow me to receive validation for it. 77 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:16,720 I'll find these amazing hikes, knowing I would love them, but my body is trying to 78 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,280 tell me it's tired, it's not what I need in that moment. 79 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:25,760 I think of how I don't really have a choice, I'm here, now, I won't get to do this again 80 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,240 if I don't do it right now, regardless of how I feel. 81 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,040 I don't live here, I'm not going to come back. 82 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:37,600 It feels like I need to pack in as much as possible so that my life feels and looks great, 83 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:42,560 so that I feel like in doing all of these things, I'm somehow progressing towards making 84 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,120 change within myself in hopes of making a difference. 85 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:52,080 I had a moment where I asked myself, why am I tracking all of this, my hikes, my distances, 86 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,160 my routes? 87 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:57,880 Is it that in putting it into an app or a tracker, I can look back and feel accomplished 88 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:01,000 because I can see evidence that I accomplished it? 89 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,960 Something to check off as proof that I've been there done that? 90 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:09,120 Is it giving into the societal expectation of proving my worth through what I've done? 91 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:13,440 In the past, it was accumulating nursing certifications and courses. 92 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:17,720 Now could it be, look at the number of hikes I've completed, the total distance I've hiked 93 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,080 this year? 94 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:24,600 What I now feel inside of my body is that what matters is am I enjoying the hike? 95 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,080 Am I physically capable or able to do it that day? 96 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,120 Am I going to have a good time? 97 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,680 It doesn't have to be for anybody else but me. 98 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:37,840 I don't need to do it to wear myself out to the point of exhaustion, rendering me useless 99 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,600 for the remainder of the day. 100 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:45,240 I need to find a way to translate this into a knowing that I can apply, that I can enact 101 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,200 as a daily reminder when making decisions. 102 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:53,760 I know that I'm not in alignment here because often times I hike with the focus of the end 103 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,240 goal, the completion of the hike. 104 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:01,640 I fantasized about making plans to be present, to bring a book and snacks, hoping to find 105 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,320 a beautiful spot to just sit and enjoy the afternoon. 106 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:10,320 When I get there, I'm compelled to keep going, to not lose momentum, so I don't get to sit 107 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:14,640 in the now and enjoy as I wanted to, as I wished I would. 108 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,600 I realize I don't always do things for myself. 109 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:22,840 I do them for others, even in being far removed from society and people that I know. 110 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,880 This is a pattern I recognize that contributed to burnout while working in healthcare. 111 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:33,440 Where the focus was serving, picking up shifts, overworking, justified by checking off financial 112 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:39,120 goals, being a martyr, helping the community by picking up in hopes of alleviating shortages, 113 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:44,080 taking on the burden that exists, proving my worth by showing up and helping, even though 114 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,000 that's not where worth and value lies. 115 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:53,360 I think about how I spent so much time keeping up to date with numerous expensive certifications, 116 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:58,720 making sure I had them so I could prove to myself and others how I was in fact a real 117 00:08:58,720 --> 00:08:59,720 ER nurse. 118 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,520 It's not these things that make it true, though. 119 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:07,240 The reality is, it's the experience, the learning I did, along the way. 120 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:12,600 Not paying money to write a test to be given a piece of paper to show off as proof of this. 121 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,920 It really irks me and it bothers me that I find I am continuing these behaviors. 122 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,000 I've just transferred them on to something else. 123 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:26,160 Am I really working towards fixing my burnout, or is this a space that remains unhealthy that 124 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,780 will keep me from achieving regulation in the long term? 125 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:35,560 This traveling, moving often, driving, all the considerations I need to be mindful of, 126 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,320 they're exhausting long term. 127 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,120 It's not actually allowing me the type of rest that I need. 128 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:45,520 It's not easy to find balance in this lifestyle, and it isn't feasible. 129 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:50,880 I'm expending and exerting more energy on considerations, planning, and the awareness 130 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:55,520 that is required to maintain my adventure, which takes away from the time I could be 131 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,480 spending focusing on what matters. 132 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:02,960 The rest, living in the moment, the presence of the things that heal me, what we're all 133 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,360 looking for, the stillness, the quiet. 134 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:11,520 There's also the ignorance and avoidance of tasks that I don't want to complete, that 135 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,000 I don't have the capacity or energy to do. 136 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,720 This goes back to a lack of setting boundaries for myself, especially. 137 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:25,040 In socializing, it's the unread notifications, the pending messages, having to get back to 138 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:30,120 people which has been a consistent issue for me even 50 days into this, even when I'm 139 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,200 in the middle of nowhere with no service. 140 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:39,200 There exists a lingering obligation where I can't truly experience peace with the quiet. 141 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:44,360 When I know deep down, there is a surmounting, hidden list that I've pushed aside, being 142 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:45,360 ignored. 143 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:50,240 It's still there, it's still living within me, in my body, even when I think I'm taking 144 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,640 a break from it. 145 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:57,240 It's impossible to be fully present when I know it's there, a little nagging voice. 146 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,320 It's different from taking a vacation or a break, where you tell yourself you're stepping 147 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,800 away and coming back to it later. 148 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:08,840 What I'm looking for is a continuous way to exist, to build a lifestyle with a steady 149 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,880 stream of a good balance of obligations for survival, things that bring me joy and ensure 150 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:18,920 I keep rested, well balanced and peaceful the majority of the time. 151 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,000 I'm not sure what boundaries are required here. 152 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,040 Is it not having friends or social contacts? 153 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:29,880 How can I find a way to say to people I can't have these types of conversations or that 154 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,520 I just don't want to? 155 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,640 Is it pulling back, not allowing myself to be out there as much? 156 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,960 I don't know what the answer is. 157 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:42,200 This level of obligation that I feel is not something I can manage. 158 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:49,160 I am very introverted, I need a lot of space, and this is a fact that I have learned here. 159 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,680 Does that mean that I have my close friends and everything else is maintained at an arm's 160 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:54,680 length? 161 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,680 I compare it to social media usage. 162 00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:01,240 If I want to scroll mindlessly, I can, but it isn't something I want to be doing all 163 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,920 hours of the day on a regular basis. 164 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:09,720 I guess it means I need to figure out my limits and stick to them, figuring out who is included 165 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:14,080 in the people that I want to talk to regularly, instead of those who are merely standing on 166 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:18,240 a street shouting at me, trying to get me to listen to whatever message they're trying 167 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,240 to impose. 168 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,840 It's the kind of noise I need to cut out of my life. 169 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:23,840 It's just hard. 170 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,400 I don't know what that looks like, and I struggle, because I don't think that I'm 171 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,120 so popular that I would have problems with this. 172 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:34,160 This is probably similar to why if you message your favorite artist, you don't hear back 173 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,160 from them. 174 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:39,240 They just can't respond to all these messages, it's not possible, and they just have really 175 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,640 good limits. 176 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:45,760 Aligning my actions in a way that will keep me healthy, allow me to do the things I love 177 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:50,120 and keep me safe is of utmost importance going forward. 178 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,680 It's been over two weeks since I last worked out, since I've meditated, and I'll admit 179 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,280 I've been struggling. 180 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,960 There is more anxiety present. 181 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,400 I find that I'm worrying, overthinking about things, and I feel dysregulated. 182 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:07,240 I have so much on my mind, weighing me down, things I need to deal with that warrant this 183 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:12,280 heaviness, but I can acknowledge that it's being mismanaged and ineffectively handled. 184 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,080 This isn't going to be beneficial for me in the long run. 185 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,000 I know I had a routine before that worked well. 186 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,520 The problem is, I fell into comfort, I felt good. 187 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:26,320 I didn't think I needed it anymore, that I could stop or slack off in those areas. 188 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,200 I was on top of the world, the reason being, because I had those things in place in the 189 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,360 first place that kept me steady. 190 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:37,960 I don't know why I continually find that I'm doing this to myself. 191 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,320 It has to be a consistent factor in my life, and I know that. 192 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:46,280 I'm stuck in the same loop, starting, restarting. 193 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,480 Where I feel shame for letting myself down yet again. 194 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,560 Then I find this weird thought process, where I feel like I'm not worthy of meditating, 195 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,320 which is illogical. 196 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,400 You can meditate once a month, twice a month, once a year if that's what you want. 197 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,520 You're not less than if you don't keep a consistent schedule. 198 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:10,320 I attribute this thinking to my suspected undiagnosed OCD, which causes me to feel like 199 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:14,080 if I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't be doing it at all. 200 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:18,800 That I should be ashamed, and that I do not deserve to partake in those activities. 201 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:24,360 It's in these times that I try to be gentle with myself, remind myself that's not true. 202 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:29,960 I should be engaging as often as I can, but I'm not a failure if I miss a few sessions. 203 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:35,200 I'm meditated today, and even 5 minutes of breathing and focusing in this way, it allowed 204 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,840 me to feel like I was slowly coming back to earth. 205 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:42,760 It isn't a perfect process, but instead of feeling as though I was 100 feet in the air, 206 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:47,080 I was now maybe only 60 feet above, getting closer to the ground. 207 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:52,080 I know that in continuing, it will cause me to eventually touch solid ground, and regular 208 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,360 practice will keep me rooted there. 209 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:59,640 I'm not sure the scientific reasons behind meditation and its efficacy, but it does help 210 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,720 in quiet ways that you can't recognize until you stop doing it. 211 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:09,160 That's when you realize how it was in fact positively impacting you on a day to day basis. 212 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,960 It just takes time to build up to it. 213 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:17,280 The next thing I hope to focus on without harsh judgment is finding a way to put movement 214 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:23,520 back into my life that doesn't negatively impact my day to day, where I'm not so strict, 215 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,400 where I'm not berating myself for finding ways to adhere to strict consistent schedules. 216 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:33,400 I touched upon movement in the initial episode, stating that this should be something to consider 217 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:37,880 as it's good, it's healthy, even to have this mindset as it helps you get in touch 218 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,640 with your physical self. 219 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:45,280 At the time, I was in a better place, with meditation and movement adherence on point. 220 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:51,120 I'm starting to see it in terms of a metaphor, life, struggles, and the challenges we have 221 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,600 to overcome are akin to a giant climb. 222 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,080 You never just get to the top. 223 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:03,120 There are times where you're going to trip over rocks, over routes, and you hit a plateau. 224 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:07,520 Sometimes you'll even find yourself going downhill wondering if you've taken a wrong 225 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,320 turn since your goal is to go up. 226 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,960 It's no coincidence I've challenged myself with some hikes here that have allowed me 227 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:19,240 to see that going down doesn't mean you aren't going to reach the top. 228 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,680 It's a necessary part to get through. 229 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,880 Otherwise, it would be too steep of an ascent. 230 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,800 I'm not a mountain goat. 231 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:31,840 So in those times, I'm going to be gentle with myself, not punish myself, or talk down 232 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:32,840 to me. 233 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:37,440 If this was a family member or a friend who came to me exhibiting these difficulties, 234 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,120 I would absolutely offer gentle reminders, support. 235 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,120 It's okay. 236 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,400 It's just one day. 237 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:48,480 We can rest, and when we wake up tomorrow, we can, and we will try again. 238 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,800 That is what matters. 239 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,840 The try. 240 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:56,360 I need to stop lying to myself in general, and continue to listen to my body, to take 241 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,920 myself out of situations I don't want to be in. 242 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:05,120 Even if in the moment, my brain doesn't understand why my body is shouting at me that I need 243 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:11,040 to leave, I need to just listen, to trust my intuition, my gut, to trust that my body 244 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:16,280 was designed, put on this earth knowing exactly how to take care of itself, and I just need 245 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,760 to tune in. 246 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,720 No questions, no arguments, no gaslighting. 247 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,520 Definitely not telling it to stop. 248 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,920 Remind me later, because I'm too busy now. 249 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:26,920 No. 250 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:27,920 Listen. 251 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,640 To execute what is required of me. 252 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,800 This is such a hard thing to do. 253 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:37,400 For so long, we've been conditioned to not listen to ourselves or to trust ourselves. 254 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,520 It goes against societal norms. 255 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:45,120 It goes against working in 9-5, where the only enjoyment and rest you get is on weekends 256 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,800 and your few weeks of vacation a year. 257 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,520 It isn't about enjoyment. 258 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,600 These boundaries are required to keep you healthy. 259 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:58,120 I'm taking the space and this moment to acknowledge, out loud, I'm not as healed as I thought 260 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,120 I was. 261 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:04,160 I'm a work in progress, and the areas I've neglected for some time, or were too afraid 262 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:08,160 to open up about or to be aware of, are coming to surface now. 263 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:13,920 I've received a hit to the face by the shovel of life, and ugh, it hurts, but I can't ignore 264 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,840 it any longer. 265 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,480 This has all been so exhausting. 266 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,600 Starting therapy in 2020 has been so healing, but tiring. 267 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,320 It's not over, and it will never be, it seems. 268 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:30,400 Some parts of my life have significantly improved, while others remain in a state of spinning 269 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:36,520 my wheels, where I hold fear in worrying I will forever be in a state of existential 270 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,520 crisis. 271 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:42,320 I'm taking the perspective that healing and growth is like an onion. 272 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:48,000 You peel back layers, healing begins on the outer layers, the most accessible ones. 273 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:52,400 As you work your way through those layers, the deeper ones start to come up. 274 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,600 These are important, the more impactful parts. 275 00:18:55,600 --> 00:19:00,240 It may seem like healing involves repeatedly looking at the same areas, and going through 276 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,400 the same struggles on repeat. 277 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,160 I don't know that that's true, though. 278 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:09,000 I think when you really begin to do the work, you make your way to the bigger, deeper things 279 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,840 at the root of it all. 280 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,120 These are things that need to be addressed to get closer to myself and my truth, where 281 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:20,200 I will work on the things that I know exist, where I can no longer lie to myself, pushing 282 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,600 them aside for short-lived comfort in the oblivious. 283 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:29,160 This is where I'm choosing myself, refusing to abandon myself, where I plan to discover 284 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:35,520 my true nature, my desires, and this is my quest for how I will find happiness and whole-heartedness. 285 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:41,320 I choose this more difficult path, overgoing back to continue on as I was prior to the 286 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,520 onset of this podcast. 287 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:50,000 I am at a pivotal point in all of this, where I recognize just how hard life is on its own, 288 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,840 and in order to be able to fully heal, we must embrace the knowing that we can't do 289 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,360 this alone, nor are we meant to. 290 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:02,380 I need to lean into support from my community so that I can rebuild. 291 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:07,600 As far as the burnout, there are some ways in which I can say that I'm better, but I 292 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:12,840 think that if I don't learn how to manage my life, figure out who I am, I'm destined 293 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:19,400 to remain at a level of low-lying burnout, to re-enter society in some way, shape, or 294 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:24,640 form, that will end up in repeatedly following my own footsteps, back to burnout, repeating 295 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,480 that circular pattern. 296 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:27,800 I'm ready to get to work. 297 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,600 I know what isn't working. 298 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,320 It's time to keep trying other avenues until I figure out what does. 299 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:38,480 I need to figure out how to attack these issues and concerns, how I go forward to try to build 300 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:42,080 self-confidence, self-worthiness, and self-love. 301 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,800 To learn my limits and stick to them, I need to do some deep diving and figure out what 302 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:51,880 it is that's keeping me from feeling as though I'm simply enough in my existence as a human, 303 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,920 regardless of career or social identity. 304 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,280 What is it that's keeping me afraid here? 305 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,360 The hardest part, as expected, is speaking my truth. 306 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:05,280 I have been blessed with a few very meaningful relationships that have allowed me to practice 307 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:10,720 opening up about feelings, needs, but as we know, some relationships are tricky, where 308 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:16,080 you're too afraid to speak out out of fear of hurting people, being misunderstood, rejection, 309 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:21,800 where you find yourself tiptoeing around important subjects and topics that need to be addressed. 310 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,720 Otherwise, you're left with anxiety, filled with unease, unable to be authentic in those 311 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:27,720 spaces. 312 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,280 That's not fair to you. 313 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,080 It's also not fair to them. 314 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:36,400 It's time I speak my truth to the best of my abilities so that I know I have said my 315 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,720 piece where I can then learn to accept the results whatever they may be. 316 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,720 If the other party can't meet me halfway, it will be what it will be. 317 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:49,560 I will know that I have asked for what I needed, spoken my truth, and I can take what I have 318 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:54,960 learned with me to try to piece together our realities and find acceptance. 319 00:21:54,960 --> 00:22:00,000 I'm way too uncomfortable to continue living out of alignment with myself, which means 320 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:05,040 I need to be honest with myself, with others, to create these boundaries, to stick up for 321 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,040 myself. 322 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:10,040 I want to create healthier relationships by being honest. 323 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,800 As I've said before about other situations, I know what doesn't work, and it's what I've 324 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,880 been doing repeatedly. 325 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,840 Opening up will allow me to peel back new layers. 326 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:25,040 It will surely be painful, but it will allow me to go forward and heal, to grow. 327 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:29,240 This is just part of the journey that has to happen, and it just happens that where 328 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,120 I'm at on the mountain right now is a pretty steep climb. 329 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,840 It seems impossible when I look straight up. 330 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:40,520 It's kind of interesting how this part of the journey is the biggest, most crucial step 331 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:46,280 thus far, and it so happens that it's not meant to happen while I'm on the road. 332 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:51,200 I'll leave you guys with that for now, but just know that I'm continuing to work on myself 333 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,960 to try to get to where I'm meant to be. 334 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:58,240 I'll keep updating everybody, but it looks to me like it's a never-ending road of continuous 335 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:03,240 progress, and it doesn't help when my therapist reminds me that when we go through life, we're 336 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,320 just going to keep growing and healing. 337 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,600 I just want to get to a place where I can sit back and enjoy the ride.