It's been one month since I released the episode on burnout, and two and a half months
since I walked away from what I had identified as being the significant contributing factor
to the entire experience, to the suffering.
I wanted to talk about what I've been learning about myself within the context of burnout
after having stepped away from the bedside for some time.
I also planned to discuss the thoughts and feelings around this.
The initial point of the podcast and this entire experience was rooted in me attempting
to find the source, removing myself and healing from that burnout, to take space away to find
out what it is that I needed to do, what I really needed or wanted in my life, to see
if the time I've taken away has put it all into alignment and if it's been beneficial
to me.
The rest, the sleep, knowing there was no obligation waiting around the corner with
a return to work schedule.
It's been extremely beneficial towards the burnout.
It has allowed me to increase my functional capacity as an adult in being able to wake
up and perform necessary tasks, feeding myself basic tasks and life skills.
There remains times where I simply do not feel like doing these things, but I think
it's more of a laziness, learning how to navigate to utilize the new energy that I
have regained, rather than sitting and throwing a fit because I feel too unwell, that no one
is seeing or acknowledging that, and where I felt unable or not allowed to truly care
how I needed.
In the previous burnout specific episode, I touched upon the history that the diagnosis
was established in reference to those specifically in healthcare and in fields requiring people
to give of themselves, stretching themselves past a healthy point.
What I have learned though, for me at least, it isn't caused from having been in the
healthcare field, though that 100% exacerbated it, brought it to the surface at a rapid fire
pace, where the lights and sirens were blaring and could no longer be ignored.
I sit back and can identify that healthcare is designated as the root cause because of
the tendency it has to attract a very specific personality type, the ones that are predisposed
to burnout.
The field just happens to put it on display for all to see.
That's not a coincidence.
It's definitely a parallel factor driving down this path.
I see it as a similarity to how humans have an inability to not manage themselves, to
not take care of themselves.
That starts with a lack of knowing our worth, being unable to, or not knowing how to set
healthy, proper boundaries, and simply not knowing when to say when, not knowing when
to say no, enough is enough.
It lies within our inability to regulate ourselves, our emotions, and then throwing it all on
the back burner.
A lack of self-worth where the needs of others come before ours, which flows into other parts
of society like a poison, where you find yourself at your job in and out, working shifts when
you don't have the mental capacity, when you don't want to, but you do it anyways.
To tell yourself, I need to pay my bills, showing up no matter what is the expectation.
That's how we live our lives, not listening to ourselves, not understanding our true value,
and not being able to align all of these variables that are required to keep us healthy and whole
as individuals, to keep us from feeling like we are but robots, executing tasks, where
we are sometimes given slivers of time and space, where we can exist as more than that,
where we happen to have any energy left to do so.
I guess what I'm realizing now is that even though I've removed myself from healthcare,
which I view as a trap, a pit of not listening to yourself, perpetuating that cycle, allowing
others around you and society to identify what is both right and wrong for you, that
it doesn't allow you the time to look inwards and see, it's the culture surrounding us that's
incorrect.
There's nothing wrong with you.
The rest from the ridiculous schedule has helped me, but the over exertion of myself
towards others and the people pleasing tendencies, my lack of boundaries, there's probably
some part of me that does things from a place of feeling a need to people please as a means
of validating myself, seeking outside reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that I am
making the right decisions for myself.
As I say this, I realize it sounds stupid, these are things that need to come from within
me, only I can know what's right for me and what the right decisions are for myself, but
I have to feel right within myself in order to do so.
I admit I am still feeling really good about the validation I receive when people express
the awe they feel about what it is that I'm doing, how I'm going across the country, taking
these risks, and the associated bravery.
That's validation though, and there's been struggles where I have to stop and ask myself,
is this really what you want?
Is this really what's important to you?
I notice that sometimes when I make plans, set up where I'm going, what I'm doing, I
haven't been able to achieve balance in the doing of the things I truly want to for myself.
The reason being, they're not as exciting, I won't receive as much praise for these
low key activities.
Even though I know it would make me so incredibly happy, I'm trying to find a way to break free
from what I expect from others, what I feel compelled to share, and to let go of doing
it in a way that is going to allow me to receive validation for it.
I'll find these amazing hikes, knowing I would love them, but my body is trying to
tell me it's tired, it's not what I need in that moment.
I think of how I don't really have a choice, I'm here, now, I won't get to do this again
if I don't do it right now, regardless of how I feel.
I don't live here, I'm not going to come back.
It feels like I need to pack in as much as possible so that my life feels and looks great,
so that I feel like in doing all of these things, I'm somehow progressing towards making
change within myself in hopes of making a difference.
I had a moment where I asked myself, why am I tracking all of this, my hikes, my distances,
my routes?
Is it that in putting it into an app or a tracker, I can look back and feel accomplished
because I can see evidence that I accomplished it?
Something to check off as proof that I've been there done that?
Is it giving into the societal expectation of proving my worth through what I've done?
In the past, it was accumulating nursing certifications and courses.
Now could it be, look at the number of hikes I've completed, the total distance I've hiked
this year?
What I now feel inside of my body is that what matters is am I enjoying the hike?
Am I physically capable or able to do it that day?
Am I going to have a good time?
It doesn't have to be for anybody else but me.
I don't need to do it to wear myself out to the point of exhaustion, rendering me useless
for the remainder of the day.
I need to find a way to translate this into a knowing that I can apply, that I can enact
as a daily reminder when making decisions.
I know that I'm not in alignment here because often times I hike with the focus of the end
goal, the completion of the hike.
I fantasized about making plans to be present, to bring a book and snacks, hoping to find
a beautiful spot to just sit and enjoy the afternoon.
When I get there, I'm compelled to keep going, to not lose momentum, so I don't get to sit
in the now and enjoy as I wanted to, as I wished I would.
I realize I don't always do things for myself.
I do them for others, even in being far removed from society and people that I know.
This is a pattern I recognize that contributed to burnout while working in healthcare.
Where the focus was serving, picking up shifts, overworking, justified by checking off financial
goals, being a martyr, helping the community by picking up in hopes of alleviating shortages,
taking on the burden that exists, proving my worth by showing up and helping, even though
that's not where worth and value lies.
I think about how I spent so much time keeping up to date with numerous expensive certifications,
making sure I had them so I could prove to myself and others how I was in fact a real
ER nurse.
It's not these things that make it true, though.
The reality is, it's the experience, the learning I did, along the way.
Not paying money to write a test to be given a piece of paper to show off as proof of this.
It really irks me and it bothers me that I find I am continuing these behaviors.
I've just transferred them on to something else.
Am I really working towards fixing my burnout, or is this a space that remains unhealthy that
will keep me from achieving regulation in the long term?
This traveling, moving often, driving, all the considerations I need to be mindful of,
they're exhausting long term.
It's not actually allowing me the type of rest that I need.
It's not easy to find balance in this lifestyle, and it isn't feasible.
I'm expending and exerting more energy on considerations, planning, and the awareness
that is required to maintain my adventure, which takes away from the time I could be
spending focusing on what matters.
The rest, living in the moment, the presence of the things that heal me, what we're all
looking for, the stillness, the quiet.
There's also the ignorance and avoidance of tasks that I don't want to complete, that
I don't have the capacity or energy to do.
This goes back to a lack of setting boundaries for myself, especially.
In socializing, it's the unread notifications, the pending messages, having to get back to
people which has been a consistent issue for me even 50 days into this, even when I'm
in the middle of nowhere with no service.
There exists a lingering obligation where I can't truly experience peace with the quiet.
When I know deep down, there is a surmounting, hidden list that I've pushed aside, being
ignored.
It's still there, it's still living within me, in my body, even when I think I'm taking
a break from it.
It's impossible to be fully present when I know it's there, a little nagging voice.
It's different from taking a vacation or a break, where you tell yourself you're stepping
away and coming back to it later.
What I'm looking for is a continuous way to exist, to build a lifestyle with a steady
stream of a good balance of obligations for survival, things that bring me joy and ensure
I keep rested, well balanced and peaceful the majority of the time.
I'm not sure what boundaries are required here.
Is it not having friends or social contacts?
How can I find a way to say to people I can't have these types of conversations or that
I just don't want to?
Is it pulling back, not allowing myself to be out there as much?
I don't know what the answer is.
This level of obligation that I feel is not something I can manage.
I am very introverted, I need a lot of space, and this is a fact that I have learned here.
Does that mean that I have my close friends and everything else is maintained at an arm's
length?
I compare it to social media usage.
If I want to scroll mindlessly, I can, but it isn't something I want to be doing all
hours of the day on a regular basis.
I guess it means I need to figure out my limits and stick to them, figuring out who is included
in the people that I want to talk to regularly, instead of those who are merely standing on
a street shouting at me, trying to get me to listen to whatever message they're trying
to impose.
It's the kind of noise I need to cut out of my life.
It's just hard.
I don't know what that looks like, and I struggle, because I don't think that I'm
so popular that I would have problems with this.
This is probably similar to why if you message your favorite artist, you don't hear back
from them.
They just can't respond to all these messages, it's not possible, and they just have really
good limits.
Aligning my actions in a way that will keep me healthy, allow me to do the things I love
and keep me safe is of utmost importance going forward.
It's been over two weeks since I last worked out, since I've meditated, and I'll admit
I've been struggling.
There is more anxiety present.
I find that I'm worrying, overthinking about things, and I feel dysregulated.
I have so much on my mind, weighing me down, things I need to deal with that warrant this
heaviness, but I can acknowledge that it's being mismanaged and ineffectively handled.
This isn't going to be beneficial for me in the long run.
I know I had a routine before that worked well.
The problem is, I fell into comfort, I felt good.
I didn't think I needed it anymore, that I could stop or slack off in those areas.
I was on top of the world, the reason being, because I had those things in place in the
first place that kept me steady.
I don't know why I continually find that I'm doing this to myself.
It has to be a consistent factor in my life, and I know that.
I'm stuck in the same loop, starting, restarting.
Where I feel shame for letting myself down yet again.
Then I find this weird thought process, where I feel like I'm not worthy of meditating,
which is illogical.
You can meditate once a month, twice a month, once a year if that's what you want.
You're not less than if you don't keep a consistent schedule.
I attribute this thinking to my suspected undiagnosed OCD, which causes me to feel like
if I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't be doing it at all.
That I should be ashamed, and that I do not deserve to partake in those activities.
It's in these times that I try to be gentle with myself, remind myself that's not true.
I should be engaging as often as I can, but I'm not a failure if I miss a few sessions.
I'm meditated today, and even 5 minutes of breathing and focusing in this way, it allowed
me to feel like I was slowly coming back to earth.
It isn't a perfect process, but instead of feeling as though I was 100 feet in the air,
I was now maybe only 60 feet above, getting closer to the ground.
I know that in continuing, it will cause me to eventually touch solid ground, and regular
practice will keep me rooted there.
I'm not sure the scientific reasons behind meditation and its efficacy, but it does help
in quiet ways that you can't recognize until you stop doing it.
That's when you realize how it was in fact positively impacting you on a day to day basis.
It just takes time to build up to it.
The next thing I hope to focus on without harsh judgment is finding a way to put movement
back into my life that doesn't negatively impact my day to day, where I'm not so strict,
where I'm not berating myself for finding ways to adhere to strict consistent schedules.
I touched upon movement in the initial episode, stating that this should be something to consider
as it's good, it's healthy, even to have this mindset as it helps you get in touch
with your physical self.
At the time, I was in a better place, with meditation and movement adherence on point.
I'm starting to see it in terms of a metaphor, life, struggles, and the challenges we have
to overcome are akin to a giant climb.
You never just get to the top.
There are times where you're going to trip over rocks, over routes, and you hit a plateau.
Sometimes you'll even find yourself going downhill wondering if you've taken a wrong
turn since your goal is to go up.
It's no coincidence I've challenged myself with some hikes here that have allowed me
to see that going down doesn't mean you aren't going to reach the top.
It's a necessary part to get through.
Otherwise, it would be too steep of an ascent.
I'm not a mountain goat.
So in those times, I'm going to be gentle with myself, not punish myself, or talk down
to me.
If this was a family member or a friend who came to me exhibiting these difficulties,
I would absolutely offer gentle reminders, support.
It's okay.
It's just one day.
We can rest, and when we wake up tomorrow, we can, and we will try again.
That is what matters.
The try.
I need to stop lying to myself in general, and continue to listen to my body, to take
myself out of situations I don't want to be in.
Even if in the moment, my brain doesn't understand why my body is shouting at me that I need
to leave, I need to just listen, to trust my intuition, my gut, to trust that my body
was designed, put on this earth knowing exactly how to take care of itself, and I just need
to tune in.
No questions, no arguments, no gaslighting.
Definitely not telling it to stop.
Remind me later, because I'm too busy now.
No.
Listen.
To execute what is required of me.
This is such a hard thing to do.
For so long, we've been conditioned to not listen to ourselves or to trust ourselves.
It goes against societal norms.
It goes against working in 9-5, where the only enjoyment and rest you get is on weekends
and your few weeks of vacation a year.
It isn't about enjoyment.
These boundaries are required to keep you healthy.
I'm taking the space and this moment to acknowledge, out loud, I'm not as healed as I thought
I was.
I'm a work in progress, and the areas I've neglected for some time, or were too afraid
to open up about or to be aware of, are coming to surface now.
I've received a hit to the face by the shovel of life, and ugh, it hurts, but I can't ignore
it any longer.
This has all been so exhausting.
Starting therapy in 2020 has been so healing, but tiring.
It's not over, and it will never be, it seems.
Some parts of my life have significantly improved, while others remain in a state of spinning
my wheels, where I hold fear in worrying I will forever be in a state of existential
crisis.
I'm taking the perspective that healing and growth is like an onion.
You peel back layers, healing begins on the outer layers, the most accessible ones.
As you work your way through those layers, the deeper ones start to come up.
These are important, the more impactful parts.
It may seem like healing involves repeatedly looking at the same areas, and going through
the same struggles on repeat.
I don't know that that's true, though.
I think when you really begin to do the work, you make your way to the bigger, deeper things
at the root of it all.
These are things that need to be addressed to get closer to myself and my truth, where
I will work on the things that I know exist, where I can no longer lie to myself, pushing
them aside for short-lived comfort in the oblivious.
This is where I'm choosing myself, refusing to abandon myself, where I plan to discover
my true nature, my desires, and this is my quest for how I will find happiness and whole-heartedness.
I choose this more difficult path, overgoing back to continue on as I was prior to the
onset of this podcast.
I am at a pivotal point in all of this, where I recognize just how hard life is on its own,
and in order to be able to fully heal, we must embrace the knowing that we can't do
this alone, nor are we meant to.
I need to lean into support from my community so that I can rebuild.
As far as the burnout, there are some ways in which I can say that I'm better, but I
think that if I don't learn how to manage my life, figure out who I am, I'm destined
to remain at a level of low-lying burnout, to re-enter society in some way, shape, or
form, that will end up in repeatedly following my own footsteps, back to burnout, repeating
that circular pattern.
I'm ready to get to work.
I know what isn't working.
It's time to keep trying other avenues until I figure out what does.
I need to figure out how to attack these issues and concerns, how I go forward to try to build
self-confidence, self-worthiness, and self-love.
To learn my limits and stick to them, I need to do some deep diving and figure out what
it is that's keeping me from feeling as though I'm simply enough in my existence as a human,
regardless of career or social identity.
What is it that's keeping me afraid here?
The hardest part, as expected, is speaking my truth.
I have been blessed with a few very meaningful relationships that have allowed me to practice
opening up about feelings, needs, but as we know, some relationships are tricky, where
you're too afraid to speak out out of fear of hurting people, being misunderstood, rejection,
where you find yourself tiptoeing around important subjects and topics that need to be addressed.
Otherwise, you're left with anxiety, filled with unease, unable to be authentic in those
spaces.
That's not fair to you.
It's also not fair to them.
It's time I speak my truth to the best of my abilities so that I know I have said my
piece where I can then learn to accept the results whatever they may be.
If the other party can't meet me halfway, it will be what it will be.
I will know that I have asked for what I needed, spoken my truth, and I can take what I have
learned with me to try to piece together our realities and find acceptance.
I'm way too uncomfortable to continue living out of alignment with myself, which means
I need to be honest with myself, with others, to create these boundaries, to stick up for
myself.
I want to create healthier relationships by being honest.
As I've said before about other situations, I know what doesn't work, and it's what I've
been doing repeatedly.
Opening up will allow me to peel back new layers.
It will surely be painful, but it will allow me to go forward and heal, to grow.
This is just part of the journey that has to happen, and it just happens that where
I'm at on the mountain right now is a pretty steep climb.
It seems impossible when I look straight up.
It's kind of interesting how this part of the journey is the biggest, most crucial step
thus far, and it so happens that it's not meant to happen while I'm on the road.
I'll leave you guys with that for now, but just know that I'm continuing to work on myself
to try to get to where I'm meant to be.
I'll keep updating everybody, but it looks to me like it's a never-ending road of continuous
progress, and it doesn't help when my therapist reminds me that when we go through life, we're
just going to keep growing and healing.
I just want to get to a place where I can sit back and enjoy the ride.