1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,000 October 23rd. Two days until one month has passed since I left. Two months since I last worked a shift. 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:16,500 How does it feel to not have to go back to work? It feels great. I don't know. I don't even think about it. 3 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:26,000 And I truly can't do so, either. It's not the same level as it was before. It's not a thank fuck in the way of enthusiasm. 4 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:32,500 Enough time has passed that these strong feelings have since dissipated, dispersed. 5 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:41,500 It's not stuck in the same way anymore. I no longer feel like a slave. There remain areas for improvement within my life. 6 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,500 This is something I don't anticipate that will ever go away. 7 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:52,800 I find that I don't have much of a routine these days, and that can be quite jarring in its own way. 8 00:00:52,800 --> 00:01:01,300 It's nice for sure, but I know that I personally need elements of routine and structure to be my optimal, healthiest self. 9 00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:08,300 It doesn't feel like there's as much writing on me or pushing me to stay motivated to even keep a routine. 10 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:13,300 The one constant, breakfast. No change in what it consists of. 11 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:17,300 When it comes to yoga and meditation, though, I've let that slip. 12 00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:23,300 It's almost as though I forget because I'm so caught up with whatever is happening in the moment. 13 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:26,300 This isn't a bad thing, though, right? 14 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:33,300 I mean, I've aimed to live more in the moment and be truly present, to truly live life in the now. 15 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:41,800 At the same time, I know it's so important to take the time for myself, because being wrapped up in the moment, that's the problem. 16 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:47,800 I'm wrapped up in the moment rather than being wrapped up in myself in that moment. It isn't self-focused. 17 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:56,800 It's that I'm here, doing the thing, rather than what is happening within me on the inside in the present moment, in the here, the now. 18 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:01,800 That sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me to describe it this way. 19 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:08,300 I'm trying to cultivate and expand inner peace, to continue growth and spiritual development. 20 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:15,300 It's something I absolutely need to keep up with, which is hard to do when you're not doing what you need to support yourself in those ways, 21 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:19,300 to ensure that you remain in line with your core values. 22 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,300 This is something I need to work on. 23 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:27,800 Moving around, trying to make the most of my time in the now, this is posing a challenge towards this goal. 24 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:33,300 I also have a lingering fear in the back of my mind that's difficult to explain. 25 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:39,800 Somehow, I'm worried I'm running out of time. I don't know what that means, or what it's even related to. 26 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:46,800 There's no date that exists that I need to place myself around. There's no timeline, no return to work deadline. 27 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,300 Why do I feel like I'm running out of time? 28 00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:53,300 I start to feel a panicked little voice, you're running out of time. 29 00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:59,800 I talked to Tanner about this. He wonders if it's related to the timeline, with regards to the weather. 30 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:06,300 When I left, I didn't know when I would return, or what the expectation within myself would even be. 31 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:10,800 My parents figured I would return before winter, before the snowfall. 32 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,800 I felt like people didn't understand that in leaving, I was gone. 33 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:20,300 Returning to Canada in the snow would be difficult due to snowfall, storms, ice. 34 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:25,800 I won't feel confident taking the risk driving a truck and trailer through that, making that drive. 35 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:33,800 In the back of my mind, it seems that there also existed a timeline to return before snowfall in a more permanent way. 36 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:43,300 End of October, I'm already starting to see frost in the morning, and I've even seen some snow in the evening in some of the locations I've been to, or passed through. 37 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,800 I guess that might be the root cause of it? 38 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:52,300 Whatever it might be, it's instilling an extreme sense of discomfort, and I don't like it at all. 39 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:59,300 It makes me feel rushed to do things. Not the book, not the podcast, but rushed to live life. 40 00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:03,800 The whole point of leaving life behind was, I didn't want to rush it. 41 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:08,800 It gets a bit complicated, I feel like I'm split into two at times. 42 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,800 It's great, don't get me wrong. This is a great adventure, a great life. 43 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:18,300 I think I know deep down though, that the end goal was never forever on the road. 44 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:23,800 I think over time, I figured I would settle into a place while retaining my adventurous spirit, 45 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:29,800 that this was just a get it out of your system while you can, big event sort of situation. 46 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:37,300 The spark. Initially, I had wanted to accompany full-time travel with a more steady rotation of contracts as a nurse. 47 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,800 That was my previously anticipated life. 48 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:45,800 Now, I notice the hole in my heart and soul being so far apart from my person. 49 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:52,800 I really, really miss my boyfriend. A lot of this trip has been so great, but also kind of hard. 50 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,800 Harder than I imagined it would be. 51 00:04:54,800 --> 00:05:00,800 It's striking to me that I would be having so much more fun if he were here beside me. 52 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,800 We took that three week road trip in May, and we had a blast. 53 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:09,800 We saw and experienced all these things while living alongside one another. 54 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,800 We got to live the adventure together, and it was just everything. 55 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,300 It's not the same without him by my side. 56 00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:22,800 I'm finding myself constantly thinking about what we would be doing, how it would look and feel if he were here. 57 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,800 It's just not the same without him. I think of him all the time. 58 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:31,800 I send him snaps constantly to ensure he doesn't miss out on all the marvels I get to experience. 59 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,300 This is a shock in itself. I've never felt like this before. 60 00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:43,800 In past relationships, I would crave solo adventures, where I would feel free to do as I pleased. 61 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:48,300 Things I couldn't do with the partner at the time, because they never wanted to. 62 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:54,800 I was with the wrong kind of people who didn't understand this adventurous spirit, this desire, these needs. 63 00:05:54,800 --> 00:06:01,300 It was almost as though I lived a double life in this way in order to fulfill those needs for myself. 64 00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:04,300 Now, I don't want to be doing this without Tanner. 65 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:08,300 I find it very hard. He's my person. That much is obvious. 66 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,800 Plain and simple, I just want to do life with him. 67 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,800 I don't know how this looks quite yet, and I guess I really don't need to know. 68 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:24,300 It involves living together, a home, a life that we build, that is beautiful, and exactly what suits our wants and needs. 69 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:27,800 A great journey it will be to create that together. 70 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:33,800 Whatever we decide we want, and how we want it to look, just for us and nobody else. 71 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:41,800 So I do feel there is a pressure to get this done, to get this out of the way, so I can hurry up onto the next part of life. 72 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,300 Life with him. 73 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:49,300 This is where I hear him scold me, tell me to do my thing, to stop worrying about him and us, 74 00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:55,800 that he will be there when I return, that he is at home waiting for me whenever I'm done, that he's not going anywhere. 75 00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:01,300 He reminds me I need to do this. I've fully invested myself and need to see it through. 76 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:08,300 He then is sure to tell me all of the activities and obligations keeping him busy for the next few weeks, 77 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:11,300 another deterrent for me to want to run home. 78 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:15,300 He won't be there anyways, so I may as well be out adventuring. 79 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:19,300 It does make me feel better, and it does allow me to slow my roll. 80 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:26,300 While I will always have an inner hippie that lives deep inside of me, I 100% would choose, 81 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:30,800 and am choosing to make a relationship with him work over galavanting around. 82 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:36,300 I would no doubt still find ways to indulge creatively, writing, podcasting. 83 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:39,300 A lot of this stuff isn't even Instagram worthy. 84 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:43,800 It's living life day by day and dropping a couple hints to keep it interesting. 85 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,300 I don't even know who wants to see that specific part of the journey. 86 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:53,300 It's more of the growth and changes that I'm making inside that are important, that are what truly matters. 87 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:56,300 Anyone can travel at any time. 88 00:07:56,300 --> 00:08:03,300 That's not the hard part, and unless I got a green card, I could realistically only be here for 6 months at a time anyways. 89 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,300 I get lonely, for sure. 90 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:09,300 I get in my head about it, and in those moments, I try to remind myself, 91 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,300 I am here, this is now. 92 00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:12,800 I am doing this. 93 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:19,300 There's no expectations or obligations for me outside of what I decide to set for myself each day. 94 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:22,300 In a sense, I do a lot of sitting around. 95 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:26,800 I don't have a job to go to where I sit and get overwhelmed, overstimulated, 96 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,300 and I'm thrown more social interactions than I can handle, 97 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,800 where I then have to come home, and that's when I get to see my partner. 98 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,800 The sitting around that I seem to do here involves sitting and waiting for him 99 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,300 to be able to respond to messages when he's done work. 100 00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:48,800 I think that I'm increasingly lonely, but this is where I remind myself that he has a whole life, a whole job, 101 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:52,300 and he can't attend to these needs of loneliness all the time. 102 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:55,800 He can't give me more attention than he already does. 103 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,800 There are times in insecurity where I've asked, are you mad at me? 104 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,800 No, I'm not mad, I'm just busy. 105 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,800 He won't say it, but I will. 106 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,800 I am essentially on a free-for-all path. 107 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:12,300 This is where it's important to remind myself that while my life is a much slower pace, 108 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,800 it provides me a lot of time to think. 109 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,800 Everybody else's life is as it was before. 110 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:26,300 It's still all of those things while I get to and have to adapt to a much slower pace in all senses of the word. 111 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:31,800 I do get lonely, but there isn't an urge to go out to make friends, to be social. 112 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,800 It's a deeper sort of loneliness. 113 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,300 I miss his company. 114 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:41,300 I miss our quiet nights snuggling, reading while he's playing video games or watches TV. 115 00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:45,300 I miss being close to my person, the one who understands me, 116 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:48,300 the one that I have a great relationship with. 117 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:53,800 I find myself asking, why the fuck are you out here, far away, doing this, like this? 118 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,800 I remind myself this was set in stone well before I met him. 119 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:03,800 It's a battle, but at the end of each day, I remain true to myself, as promised. 120 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,800 Fatigue levels. 121 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:06,800 I have energy. 122 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:07,800 I can do things. 123 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:08,800 I do do things. 124 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,800 I get tired, but it isn't like it was. 125 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,800 Unless something bothers me emotionally or I have a very strenuous physical day, 126 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:21,300 I don't have the deep-set exhaustion that existed on a spiritual level. 127 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:23,300 It is so nice. 128 00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:25,300 Well, money. 129 00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,800 It's not so fun to spend money. 130 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,300 I keep reminding myself, this is all the money you have. 131 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:33,300 Nothing else is coming in. 132 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,300 It is not an endless or consistent supply. 133 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,300 That's not fun. 134 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:42,300 And sometimes there's a large fuck, followed by internal screaming. 135 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,300 Fear lives there. 136 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,300 Also, I'm here. 137 00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,300 I'm doing this. 138 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,300 There isn't much else to say at this point. 139 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,300 I'll figure it out when I get there. 140 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:53,800 I have money, but there is fear in knowing that someday I won't. 141 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:59,300 I still am not convinced that this is what's plaguing me with regards to a timeline, though. 142 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:00,300 I think he was right. 143 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:04,800 It's a mental race against the knowledge that it snows in the great white North. 144 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,800 I have explored some options. 145 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:14,300 It seems affordable to hire a storage unit for my trailer to leave it behind while I take myself and the truck back up to Canada. 146 00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:18,300 Where I could come back later, continue on, or pick it up to bring it home. 147 00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:21,300 The world really is my oyster, it seems. 148 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,800 I shouldn't complain. 149 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,800 In my honesty, though, I'm sharing the inner workings of my mind here with you today. 150 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,800 Work, though? 151 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:33,300 I dreamt the other night that I was back at work and I just couldn't do it. 152 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:40,300 The expectation within the dream was to get up out of the staff room, go take care of the patients in the room next door. 153 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,800 I couldn't move. 154 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,300 I was cemented in place. 155 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,800 I couldn't go forward. 156 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:49,800 I was safe as long as I didn't pass through that doorway, that threshold. 157 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:50,800 I woke up. 158 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:51,800 I felt disgusting. 159 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,800 I still can't imagine having to go back to work as a nurse. 160 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,800 I feel a mounting anxiety, a panic rising, and I just... 161 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:00,300 No. 162 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,300 I tell myself, no. 163 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,300 No, you can't. 164 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,800 You cannot do this. 165 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,800 I do what I do best and begin to question, overthink. 166 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,800 Am I being a big baby? 167 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,800 Am I cock-blocking myself? 168 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:12,300 No. 169 00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:19,800 Maybe I'm just listening to the way in which my body responds, how my nervous system flares up in those times of assessment, 170 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,800 and I just truly believe this is what I need to be listening to for once. 171 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,800 That part of the equation, that it's telling me something so important. 172 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:34,800 So it's like, well, I hope this works out that I can bring in money because I don't know what's going to happen otherwise. 173 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:39,800 Not an overly exciting update to be sure, but it's an update all the same. 174 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:45,800 I eagerly await Tanner's arrival on the 31st, where we will meet in Phoenix. 175 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,800 It will be short, but the best five days ever. 176 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,800 We have no set plans, just indulging in our presence together. 177 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,300 And as Janice from Mean Girls would say, basking in each other's awesomeness, 178 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,800 it's going to feel so good. 179 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,300 I think I will need to reassess how I genuinely feel after he leaves. 180 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:06,300 I somehow sense a shift coming. 181 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,300 Who knows, though? We'll see. 182 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,300 Currently, writing the book is driving me nuts. 183 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,300 It's making me nervous. 184 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:19,300 I wake up with the perfectly formed words to put to paper, so I try really hard to jot it down immediately, 185 00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:23,800 so they don't get lost within the short-term capacity of my memory banks. 186 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:28,800 I have all these great ideas, but they always come up when I'm not sitting in front of the computer. 187 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:33,800 I worked on the introduction yesterday, and I found it very frustrating, difficult. 188 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,300 Sometimes it feels so forced, and I'm not in the mood. 189 00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:41,300 I don't know how I want it to read quite yet, how it will play out. 190 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,300 Will it end as this journey ends? 191 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,800 I need to sort this out. 192 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,800 Something to figure out as I go. 193 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,300 It's nerve-wracking, though. 194 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:53,300 It's what I'm backing on to propel me forwards in some ways, particularly financially. 195 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,300 At least in the long term. 196 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:59,300 I have an idea for a second book with a fully developed outline. 197 00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:03,800 I imagine it will come as this one is written, as they are parallel to one another. 198 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,800 So that's something, some form of progress. 199 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,300 For now, I'll just keep doing what I do best. 200 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:13,300 One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. 201 00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:23,300 Until next time.