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There are days where I feel so sensitive, so misunderstood.

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Maybe it's my own fault.

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I got into a conversation and said something that holds more meaning than I realized without

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voicing what it is that I was saying or hoping for in response.

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Something I feel vulnerable about that is met with the response that I find unhelpful and

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invalidating, where I am not provided with the reassurance that it turns out that I had

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been secretly hoping for, needing.

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Nothing feels more frustrating and disheartening than when you feel the onset of what I like

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to refer to as a mental spiral, where you express something in a nonchalant manner that

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you know is more like a loaded gun when the response comes and it's something akin to

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meh.

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It's all good.

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You'll be fine.

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It's really not that big of a deal.

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I just find myself looking at my phone and saying, well, fuck me for talking to you.

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I now hate and resent you.

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Maybe not hate.

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It's just that this response is not what I was looking for, nor is it what I needed.

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It invalidates my entire experience of how bad the things that I lived through were and

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how little I was made to feel and great fuck me then.

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A note.

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I do realize that this would have gone completely different had I voiced that I was needing reassurance

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and love as a response to feeling more vulnerable on that particular day.

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Instead, I chose to close the message and not respond.

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This is where I feel like I could snap back angrily, where I notice that I feel worse

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than if I had kept my thoughts to myself to begin with.

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I also find myself thinking, just because you can survive a situation and come out on top

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doesn't mean that I can.

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It doesn't mean my mental health is there, and then I feel like complete crap and I spiral.

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I start the usual, wondering what is wrong with me that others can just go forth, move

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on from a situation like this, and aren't experiencing the same visceral responses that

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I do.

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It must be a me problem.

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It's just me that reads into these things and takes them the wrong way.

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Maybe I'm the only one who struggles in this way after all.

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So what is it then?

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What's wrong with me?

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Why can I not be normal?

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I tell myself, on repeat, your feelings are valid, baby girl.

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Through your experience, it's okay.

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I feel like a liar because everyone else seems to be against it, because they don't agree.

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I know they likely aren't truly feeling these things, or attempting to project them onto

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me in this way.

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But it's a tone that makes me wonder if they are in fact trying to tell me, get over yourself.

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Stop being so dramatic.

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So I pause and ask myself, am I being dramatic?

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Sometimes it feels like I'm going to die.

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Like a dangerous pit of fire is waiting to consume me if I return to that world.

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I am left feeling stuck, so out of alignment, and I just feel like the word fuck encapsulates

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it perfectly.

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I don't know.

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I don't know what the answer is.

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And so we enter the stream of mental thoughts that indicate a fear of uncertainty.

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At the time of recording this, I was reading a book called My Wife on the Psych Ward, and

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it was causing me to feel all the feelings, increasing my struggle, and causing me to

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question my perception, my sense of reality.

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I've never been admitted to a psych ward, though it was something I fantasized about

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as a break when I was my most tired self.

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Knowing that if I went this route, I wouldn't be judged for calling in sick, it was a fleeting

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moment in the dark, many, many years ago.

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The book follows a husband and his experience as he supports his wife through her diagnosis

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of bipolar schizophrenia and its first appearance and subsequent reappearances throughout their

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relationship and what exactly that looked like.

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It depicts her during stressful times in life when she lost a job she had worked so hard

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to get and she was proud of.

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She suffers a psychotic break where she begins hearing voices, believes she is talking to

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the devil.

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She stays at a facility, is eventually discharged, and suffers from depression for some time

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in the aftermath.

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It isn't quite clearly explained how and when she improves, but eventually she does.

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I will admit the writing in this book is not my favorite and I wouldn't read it again.

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They decide to start a family and have a little boy.

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She re-enters the workforce, finds another job she is so proud of.

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One day there is a staff meeting talking about how the company plans to restructure moving

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forward.

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Thus begins the anxiety as the last job she lost was prefaced with the concept of restructuring.

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This is something that seems to ebb and flow in her line of employment.

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She begins expressing how she is convinced that the restructuring is happening to make

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way for an excuse as to why they will let her go as she fears being fired.

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It wasn't voiced in the meeting that anyone would be let go, but she is convinced.

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She starts wondering what she did wrong to cause them to do this and what it is about

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her that makes it impossible for them to address her mistakes head on rather than making it

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a big ordeal where it's easier to blame restructuring than to simply pull her aside and speak with

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her.

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This particular passage led me to feeling extreme unease.

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Do I have some of this illness she has?

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This very clearly describes my own thought patterns and feelings where I think everything

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is somehow my fault.

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I am the reason for changes that are needed to be implemented in the workplace, the unnamed

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subject of targeted mass emails.

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I find myself asking, am I actually insane?

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Did the psychologist misdiagnose me all those years ago or did he just not dig deep enough?

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Sometimes I actually believe I might be unhinged, convinced something must be wrong with me.

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I just don't know what it is, and for some reason I'm not being told.

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I want to know what it is so that I can get better and be able to move on with my life

96
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because I can't live like this anymore.

97
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I can't keep living in a disregulated state that I constantly find myself in.

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It's so fucking hard.

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I booked a much needed therapy appointment the following day because I truly felt I'm

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going nuts.

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I just feel lost on so many levels.

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I think about how many notifications I have that yet again remain unanswered.

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Tanner came and went.

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I didn't answer the messages.

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They piled up.

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I share this vulnerable part of myself where so many people seem to relate, where they

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want to reach out.

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A part of me loves that, but a part of me feels like I can't do this.

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I feel bad admitting this.

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I want to create a safe space for people, but then people ask me for advice off the record

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topics and things that I can't translate onto the podcast due to anonymity.

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I will respond and I feel really good about it.

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And then more responses come.

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They keep coming.

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They want to keep talking and it never ends.

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I feel guilty.

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There were messages that have been sent to me containing heavy material that I haven't

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opened.

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It's been months.

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One in particular, a friend being impacted by recently discovering she may require assessment

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and further diagnoses.

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I saw the little notification bubble that detailed how it impacted her, shattered her.

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I haven't even acknowledged it.

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I feel like the world's worst person.

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I don't even know how I can address it at this point.

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Should it be awkward to say, hey, I know it's been three long months, but I'm letting you

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know I still plan to get back to you.

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After all the emotions she's went through, processed in this time and dealt with, never

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mind the hurt that I didn't answer, acknowledge or respond to her reaching out to me, the

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hurt that I likely caused her.

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I feel like a shitty human.

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Sometimes I wish I didn't have to keep up.

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I just don't want to.

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I don't know how.

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I don't know what to do.

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I feel like I'm so fragile, so incapable of doing things.

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I've been away for over a month.

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It's been fantastic because I haven't had to talk to people.

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I could pretend my life didn't exist and I could pretend the pain away, but it's still

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there.

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It's still painful.

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I don't know what is wrong with me.

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What is happening?

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Why can't I cope?

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Why can't I be there for people?

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I feel like in some ways I still can't function at a baseline level, or is it that other people

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don't have these types of experiences or encounter scenarios to the extent that I do?

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Am I just an extraordinarily heavy feeler where I put myself out there and it causes people

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to relate, to want to chat at a level that is just uncommon?

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I don't know what's going on.

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I can't even function.

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I can't do this.

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Whatever this even is, it's hard.

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I want to be able to.

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I just feel like some days are a struggle.

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A struggle to persevere as I am, as a person with only my life in mind on a day to day

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basis.

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I end up spiraling because the reality hits me that I'm just never caught up.

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I'm never going to be caught up.

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Time's running out.

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Money's running out.

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I'm still here.

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I still haven't accomplished what I set out to accomplish in any significant way.

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Deep or form.

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I feel like shit about it.

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I was hoping it would be peaceful, but it feels like a forced peace.

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I have shame in not responding to all my messages, all those I've left on read, the

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ones I haven't gotten back to, the meaningful and important conversations.

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It's not true peace.

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It's not true quiet or true settled.

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There's always a to-do list and somehow it's not even my own to-do list.

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It's getting back to people.

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Is this a lack of boundaries?

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This is where I find myself conflicted.

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I want to be someone who provides material and resources, support to those struggling

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in ways I've struggled.

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At the same time, I feel like I can't even support myself and putting myself out there

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is great, but I didn't expect it would come with homework.

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Unpaid homework at that.

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I'm doing this for free, extending myself, exerting myself, my emotions, all these parts

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of me for free.

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I can't say to my friends, yeah let's have this conversation, but you need to pay me.

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That's just shitty and not a true friend, and it's not what I set out to do.

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I think I somehow was hoping for neutral ground, where I could support people through the podcast

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without then having to support them individually.

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I don't think this is the truth or necessarily the case, but there are times it feels so

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heavy and I don't know.

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These are the thoughts that swirl through my mind and I don't know what to do about

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it.

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I don't know what to do about me, about any of this.

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It's so overwhelming at times, I'm just one person.

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I feel as though I don't know who I am, I am so lost about it.

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When I started this, I left my job.

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For a long time, that job was a huge part of who I was as a person, who I identified

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with and that's a problem.

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I knew I had to break free from it.

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I have tried so hard to sever that tie in doing this trip, repeatedly telling everybody

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and myself in attempts to convince us all that I am not a nurse.

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That is not my identity, while all the same, not even knowing who I am.

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When Tanner left after visiting, all I come up with is asking on repeat, who even am I?

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I was wrapped up in being a nurse for so long.

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Even if I didn't know who I was at the time, that didn't matter.

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I had a community that I belonged to that I was a part of, whether I truly fit it or

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not.

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I was still in this community that existed.

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I was a part of something, regardless of my success.

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And now, I'm not a part of anything.

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I'm just me floating around, doing whatever this is.

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Whatever this is that feels like it has no direction.

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It's a doing of a thing that people perceive as a vacation, of running away.

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And maybe that is the case.

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I don't even know at this point.

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It's so alienating, because I don't even know who I am.

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I'm not a nurse.

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I'm me.

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But who is that?

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Who even is that?

218
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What value do I bring into the world, into life?

219
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Add that to all the unsettled feelings of not knowing who I am, where I belong, or what

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I am doing.

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It feels like something's wrong with me, because I simply don't know.

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One would think, this is the most opportune moment, where I could just exist as a person.

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Be accepted as a person with no emphasis on what I provide or what services I can give.

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But again, I don't even know what that means.

225
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What do I bring to others in this life?

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All of it seems wrapped up in an existential crisis.

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I can't wrap my head around it.

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I don't know what it means.

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I don't know anything.

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Again, I feel lost.

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Seeing Tanner solidified all of this.

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My wounds, my anxious attachment styles, my needing someone in a way that allows me to

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feel important, to have value through someone else, it spiked.

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I had believed it was gone and dealt with, but wow, how did I ever believe I was secure

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in myself before this?

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Was I even secure?

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Or was it a facade?

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I don't even know the answer to that, it just feels so messed up.

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When he was here, I neglected myself unintentionally.

240
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I got so lost in the moment.

241
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I didn't wake up early.

242
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I didn't meditate.

243
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,720
I didn't take time for myself.

244
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I still haven't meditated.

245
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,520
It would be midday and I'd realize I haven't taken my medication.

246
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My meds, that I take every day in the morning without fail, that I have done so diligently

247
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for years.

248
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,200
Two days in a row.

249
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,720
2pm rolled around and then I'd think, shit, and I'd take them.

250
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,640
I would wake up and didn't even think about it.

251
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It didn't occur to me this was a part of my life that I needed to partake in.

252
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,960
It feels like something in my brain is wired in such a way that I become forgetful, lost

253
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:02,600
in another land, where a situation that I'm in enables me to forget who I am, my values,

254
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:08,520
my morals, and I'm so wrapped up in it that it seems I forget what I stand for.

255
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:15,780
I then come back to reality at some point and realize, oh my god, you're failing yourself.

256
00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:17,040
What is wrong with you?

257
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:18,440
What are you doing?

258
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,440
Why are you like this?

259
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:26,760
But I don't even understand it myself because it's out of my control.

260
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:31,100
Perhaps there's a chemical delay, something wrong with my mental ability.

261
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:34,720
The worst part is watching and seeing it happen.

262
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I feel so sorry for myself.

263
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:42,680
It's almost like I wonder if I need mental accommodations because this isn't normal.

264
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:43,680
I hate it.

265
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:49,400
I thought I was able to care for myself and be in society but clearly I can't.

266
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,720
Maybe I am in a lower echelon of functionality.

267
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,880
Maybe I need a caregiver or someone to keep me on track.

268
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,400
I look at this and think, god, that's so heartbreaking.

269
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,600
What if it's true?

270
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,960
And I can see it and I know self-awareness is such a curse.

271
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,800
I'm doing the best that I can but it feels like it's just not enough that I need to

272
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,920
resort to asking for help.

273
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:18,520
That someday it'll involve asking someone to take care of me in the areas I cannot manage

274
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:24,240
to care for myself, where I worry that I will inflict caregiver burnout and resentment onto

275
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,080
someone I love.

276
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,600
This isn't humbling.

277
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,120
This is embarrassing.

278
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,600
I'm ashamed.

279
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:37,000
Naturally, I want to run away but since I'm as far away from home as I can get, I wouldn't

280
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,040
have a choice but to turn and run home.

281
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,160
And that won't fix my problems.

282
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:47,720
I would be running home to dump it onto someone else and expect them to fix it for me but

283
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,960
they're my problems to fix and I just don't know what to do in this moment.

284
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,240
I still don't know.

285
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:59,280
I don't know who I am, where I'm going, how or where I'm going to end up.

286
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,960
I'm ashamed and today I feel particularly small.

287
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:04,960
It's shitty.

288
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,640
That's all there is to it.

289
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,560
I just want to be okay.

290
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,000
In feeling this way, I worry it means I'm not okay.

291
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,520
It's been a month and a half of being off work.

292
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,880
If I'm not okay now, how long will it take to be okay?

293
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,240
Will I run out of money before then?

294
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:45,280
I'm just exhausted thinking about it.