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I've been back at my parents for a little bit now and it's such an inexplicable experience

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and on slot of feelings, I'm going to do my best to try and open up here as much as I

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can.

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It feels like I'm lost.

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There is a spiral of existential dread that has passed through my life and I feel like

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I'm caught in the eye of the storm as though there is chaos surrounding me but right now

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it's like I'm on pause, a silence that doesn't translate into an auditory capacity of any

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kind.

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It's a standstill, I just watch the days go by, they're flying by but they're also

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not passing me by.

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I feel stuck.

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I don't really understand what it is that's happening.

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There are some ways in which I feel like a failure, I feel ashamed.

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I feel as though I've let people down or maybe it's just myself.

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It's an ass backwards thing to say because it's actually the opposite of what's happened.

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It's just not translating into the reality that I'm capable of yet understanding.

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I set out on this journey, the preface being that I was going on a great adventure, living

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in my trailer, doing exactly what it is that I wanted.

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Maybe it was evident, perhaps I skimmed over this too lightly but the reality was I wanted

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this quest to teach me something, to uncover something about myself, a desperate attempt

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to fix myself.

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Maybe I'm in limbo of admitting that it was but a form of doing what I do best, running

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away.

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My therapist did a number on inquiring about this many, many times.

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Why are you so far away from the people that love you most?

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Why are you leaving them behind to go and live this life that's so independent of any

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form of community?

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She specifically wanted to know why it is I wasn't going forth and building a solid

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foundation for a beautiful relationship with a partner that I'm so sure is the person

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I want to spend the rest of my life with.

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I explained to her that despite how incredibly perfect for me I describe him to be, it doesn't

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fix my problems, it never would.

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I felt like I wasn't right with me, with myself, that I needed to figure that out so I could

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be the best version of me, for us, for our future, so we could build a life together

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without one needing to be dragged down while the other struggled to sort out their life.

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The other person would be me, of course.

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I explained to her that there was always so much noise around me, people influencing

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me whether directly or indirectly, as to how I should be living my life, making comments

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and what they perceived to be giving of helpful advice.

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Society's commands were constantly playing on a loudspeaker that just wouldn't shut

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up.

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The demands of my life became all too much.

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I stood there, stomping my feet, hands on my ears, wanting everyone to just shut up,

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to be quiet, so that I could finally have a few moments to just hear myself think, to

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truly feel grounded and hear what it is I had to say about anything.

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What was it that I truly wanted?

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I didn't know what that was.

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I don't know that I even know now as I speak these words into the microphone.

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That was the leg I chose to stand on, and truthfully, I still do, even today.

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What ended up happening was a shift in direction, both environmentally and in my entire being.

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I found a way to be the most vulnerable I have ever been.

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I threw some really deep stuff, heavy stuff, maybe my darkest secrets, out into the open

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to a few people that I love.

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My therapist was one of them, my partner another, a couple close friends.

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The journey that I need to go on now is going to be the hardest one yet.

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I don't even know what to do, and it could be a podcast episode of its own, the roadblocks

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that I've already faced, that I've run into with such force that it has knocked me off

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my feet and taken the breath right out of me.

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I've always believed that owning your truth, no matter how hard they are, allows you to

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set yourself free.

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If you speak up about your flaws, your weaknesses, your struggles, they can no longer hold power

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over you.

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They can no longer own you.

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Unfortunately, I was not equipped to understand the effects that certain things coming to

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light would cause me to feel, to live, to experience.

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While speaking out, I have cut myself open and shown my most shameful self to those who

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I trust and love the most.

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Instead of shaming me, instead of making me feel alienated or alone, I was shown love,

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copious amounts of it.

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I remember sitting in the trailer, feeling free, as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

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I didn't have to hide anymore.

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I could finally breathe.

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If people could love me even when they knew what I had told them, when they saw me at

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my most broken, there must be something there.

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Something that's worthy, deserving of love.

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What I realized then, along with helpful nudges from my therapist, is that this is a darkness

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in which I reside, where the light switch remains out of reach to me alone.

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It is a darkness that requires me to allow those that I love to stand around me to shine

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their light into my life so that we can find the door together, the door that we will open

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that will allow the natural light in.

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There is things in life that shouldn't need to be done alone, and then there's things

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we absolutely cannot do alone.

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This is the scariest thing to face, and it shows me so many flaws, so many areas I need

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to work on.

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I need to trust, to allow others to help, to learn it's okay to lean on them, to allow

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them to, and even more frightening, to ask for help.

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I need to set aside the act that is a strong independent person, and that one's hard to

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let go.

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The next scary piece?

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Well, it's making peace in the first place.

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I need to learn to love myself.

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Wow.

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The confidence, the bravery.

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Somehow it appears to have been an illusion in the display of my self-compassion and love.

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Yet my therapist reminds me that what I am doing, the journey I'm engaging in, and each

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and every decision I make to better myself, is an act of love.

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So then, why do I not love myself?

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Why is it that I can't find acceptance within me?

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I told her, I don't know who I am, I'm so lost.

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She told me that's not true, it's just a matter of acceptance and making peace.

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I'm not ready to talk about some of these things out loud, but it won't remain a secret

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forever.

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I just need to let it sit to sink in.

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Sometimes we're presented with truths that seem so surreal, like they don't fit.

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We just deny we try to justify.

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I can't do that anymore.

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I won't.

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I owe it to myself.

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It is out of love that I am doing all of this.

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Sometimes it feels like I'm dying internally, spiritually.

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I don't feel self-harm or suicidal ideation, nor do I wish to end life as an experience.

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It just feels like a pause.

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Avoid.

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The unknown is just introducing itself, wanting to become the best of friends.

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I'm sitting here trying to decide if I should trust it or if it will just hurt me.

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That's heavy.

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Cryptic.

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And I apologize.

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It is what I do best after all.

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Some fancy form of running.

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So with all of that being said, I am still not feeling the best with regards to my health.

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I finished a course of antibiotics that was prescribed to me.

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The night before I got back to Canada, when I was in Michigan, I felt the onset of an

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asthma attack.

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Where my chin got itchy, I started to hear wheezing and would perpetually cough trying

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to clear it.

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This actually exacerbates the swelling in the airways.

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I took my inhaler, but it seemed triggered by nothing.

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In the good moments, I feel okay, but there's still a dry cough.

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Though I do notice more than I would like to admit, there is a burning sensation in

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my chest when I breathe.

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When I arrived, my dad and I took a walk out back to see the beautiful trails they created

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to enjoy the property.

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It was a cool, misty afternoon.

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It had rained on and off all week.

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While outside, I began feeling it again.

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Another need to take the inhaler arose.

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It's been 20 days.

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I'm not coughing anything up, but when I have resumed my exercise regime, it is of note

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that I am feeling generally unwell.

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It feels like a low blood sugar, some dizziness, feeling hot.

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It should not be the case.

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I don't know what it is, but it's one more thing I wish I didn't have to deal with.

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This is the part of me who wonders if I will need to see a doctor again before I head out

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west, just to ensure there's nothing else going on.

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I know that an appointment with my nurse practitioner is required.

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It's time to request assessment for formal asthma diagnoses.

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I am emotionally depleted.

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There is so much challenge in returning home, and I say that in quotations, as I feel in

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between homes at present.

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When we get older, have moved away, have started to heal ourselves, there is an almost sobering

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realization that hits you when you are presented with the patterns and behaviors that you now

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recognize as blaring red flags.

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We can hold all the love in the world for our parents and caregivers, while also finding

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pain in recognizing that they are humans with flaws who did the best they could with what

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they had.

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Some of the ways in which they prepared us for the world actually posed as challenges.

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We are presented with very painful reminders of many things, a bittersweet experience.

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This was something that was also plaguing me.

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So many things I wanted to say, as I preach vulnerability and openness, but had difficulty

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doing it with the most important relationships in my life, my parents.

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As I record this, I have in fact had some of these difficult conversations out of the

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inability to continue living as I had been.

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In denial, lying, fawning, and pretending just because it was too uncomfortable.

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As I drove home, I knew I had to do exactly this, no matter my fear of the outcome or

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how scary it is.

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I had to speak my truth.

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I have done that for so many things, and although it's freeing to have these conversations,

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and yes, they absolutely do bring you closer together in your attempts to repair, it is

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exhausting.

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It feels like I ran a marathon for 5 days non-stop and then proceeded to hike a hill

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for another 3.

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Instead of body exhaustion, though, it's mental and spiritual.

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Maybe the feeling of life being on pause isn't necessarily that it's on pause.

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Maybe it's my entire being that's taking a pause as a mandatory requirement to just

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be able to breathe and let it all settle in.

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Right now, I feel in limbo with myself and the world around me.

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I don't feel like the me I was 2 weeks ago, advocating for vulnerability, charging forward

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in the direction of my dreams.

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I feel like I'm looking at a shell of myself, floating through space, while my body is separate

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from me.

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Almost a dissociation, but I'm not dissociated.

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I'm simply struggling to word this in a digestible way.

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Hopefully, it is also understandable, and maybe if I'm lucky, relatable.

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I am not connected to my body in a real way.

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I do not recognize any part of me.

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How can you recognize yourself when you don't even know yourself?

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Is it the trauma of being home, surrounded by triggers, and speaking of them into existence?

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Is it the secret that I've unraveled that is trying to make its way into my life, trying

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to connect itself to me as my reality?

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Is it all of it combined?

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I know that I'm still living within myself.

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I am still me, but I'm also not.

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In looking forward, there is much to be done.

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In the way of repair, healing, transparency, I have to hit the road in a week and a half's

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time to return to my other home, that of my loving partner, his family, and where I plan

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to settle for the next few months as I buckle down to tackle my passion projects.

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Simultaneously, I will attempt to rest, repair, heal.

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This sounds like a lot as I say it out loud, so I guess it will continue to just be one

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step at a time, one day at a time, until further notice.

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I am happy that I will be surrounded by love and safety.

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I know I will need to learn to trust others, because at this point, there's not much trust

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left in myself.

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It's a really wild thing when you unravel, where you find that you are the root cause

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of your own shattering.

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Do I wish this hadn't happened?

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Do I wish I hadn't embarked on this journey at full force?

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It would have been easier in some senses, yes, but it would have been lying to myself,

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to others.

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And I don't do that anymore.

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I am 100% committed to myself.

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This is what I remind myself as I go forward, whenever it gets hard.

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Stop doing this to yourself.

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You love yourself, and you are doing this out of love.

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A tear falls as I quietly whisper, okay, and I take my own hand, and I get up off the floor

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again.