A check-in seems long overdue, don't you think?
So join me as I reflect upon where I'm at and how I'm feeling about it.
I record this as I'm located just outside of Phoenix in Apache Junction.
I arrived here early so that I could be stationary as I await a follow-up appointment with the
GI surgeon.
Tanner is set to arrive the evening of Halloween.
The plan is to get some work done before his arrival so I can enjoy my time with him without
worrying about work.
I'm beyond ecstatic to see him.
It's going to be nothing short of fantastic.
Emotionally, I anticipate Tears, thankful that he's here with me.
Tears, because I know it will be so hard to drop him off at the airport five short days
later.
No doubt, I will make so many jokes about how he should quit his job and join me, where
we can be nomads together, how if we are both broke, we will at least have each other.
I'm kidding, of course, mostly.
It's been a month since I've left home.
I currently would say that I feel settled, more settled and grounded in my experience
in this adventure.
Many of the fears and anxiety I'd picked up along the way have dissipated.
I had no choice but to face them bravely on more than one occasion.
Things like uncoupling the trailer, which I had only done once until today.
Now we're at two times.
It went well.
There was no more nervousness that remained.
I just did it.
Same with backing the trailer up.
Today was more of a challenge, and sometimes it feels like I need to perform a 90 point
turn before I find success.
But I find it comforting that despite this, I was not headed towards emotional reactivity
because of it.
I even had an audience, but I paid it no mind.
I took what I needed.
I executed.
I did the thing.
Now that I have gotten the seemingly scary things out of the way, and I've figured out
what makes me happiest, the things that make me feel good, the things I enjoy doing, I feel
like I'm not so focused on the things that cause me to feel pressured.
For example, touristy things.
A lot of the things that I had felt I needed to do was because I was in an area where these
things existed, and wondered how could I possibly skip out on this?
These things.
I did not feel urged to do them.
It felt like an obligation.
It didn't make me happy.
I know I've touched upon this before, but it sticks with me as something to be mindful
of.
I try not to spend money, but also not deprive myself of things that I feel called to do,
or that I want to see.
I feel pretty good about where I'm at right now.
I listen to myself.
I do what it is that I want to do.
I'm really enjoying staying at state parks, experiencing what they have to offer.
There's a sense of safety in the people, and the rounds that are completed regularly by
the hosts.
There also isn't the feeling that someone is up your ass all the time, within inches
of your space.
People come here to camp, to get out in nature.
It's a different experience.
There's access to cool hikes, beautiful viewpoints, and a sense of freedom.
What about fatigue?
Well, I do still get tired, but it's usually due to sun exposure and being exhausted from
hiking.
It's not like it used to be, and I have been more kind with myself, holding less of a tendency
to beat myself up if I'm not my most productive self.
I still find ways to be productive, but I'm getting better with setting limits if I feel
like I've had a long day and am tired, exhausted.
I no longer feel the need to force it if I'm just not feeling it.
If I want to chill, I chill.
I've read a few books so far, and that's been really nice.
That's part of it, part vacation, and rest, but it's also life.
I'm still learning to navigate the balance, and it's been pretty good so far.
I feel fortunate to have these opportunities to engage in, and it's quite therapeutic.
I will say, though, I've slipped up in my meditation practice and haven't been as diligent
as I should be.
I feel guilty about it, and tell myself, maybe you don't really need it.
It's nice to feel settled enough that I forget about it, but I acknowledge that this is an
important part of maintenance, and I should continue to prioritize it.
I journal a lot, and when I do, I find it's filled with more depth and has more meaning
than usual.
I wonder if I'm finding the therapeutic connection of meditation through this means as an alternative.
It feels more authentic, proof that I'm living more in the moment, on a regular basis.
Fears pertaining to finances still exist.
Those are unchanged.
I feel like this is where I'm just starting to get into things, so I just gotta keep at
it and keep pushing.
Something I'm going to touch upon that might sound really strange is that I feel like depending
on where I'm at in my life and what's going on, say I'm in a transitional period, so to
speak, my outward physical appearance is affected, and this has been validated by a few comments
that I had received when I posted photos that I shared on my story.
I think it's good, but it leaves me feeling a bit confused.
I look at myself and ask, is that me?
Some things about it just seem unrecognizable.
It's not bad, it's just strange.
As though some shift has happened that has translated itself onto my physical form.
I'm not used to seeing myself this way or looking like this.
I don't know if it's because when the stress left, it caused a sag in my body.
I'm finding it really difficult to put this into words without sounding weird.
It feels like there's been a loosening, a relaxing, and maybe my appearance has followed
suit.
Someone mentioned, you look like this time has been really good to you.
I can see it in your face.
I'm not sure what this means or what this looks like, but it's a visible difference
to be sure.
I just think it's interesting to note.
Sleep?
Oh, sleep.
Sleep is fantastic.
I don't have moments of utter exhaustion for seemingly no reason anymore.
I no longer feel as though I could sleep forever and a day.
I'm getting an average of 6-8 hours per night, I'd say.
It's easier to go to bed earlier too, because the sun sets so early, and I also get up early
just so I can enjoy the daytime.
It's also a matter of trying to beat the heat with any outdoor activities, because
it's still really warm.
It's upwards of 35 degrees midday.
I've stopped caring so much about things I've realized that don't matter.
To some degree, anyway, more than I used to let it bother me.
The entire year prior to me leaving, a lot happened contributing to my feelings and
sense of dysregulation.
I gained 10 pounds.
For those who rolled their eyes and said, oh, big deal, 10 pounds, it is a big deal.
For someone my height, my frame size, and my history, it's a huge deal.
A significant difference.
Two clothing sizes different.
Never mind the hurtful inflections that are not to be discussed at this point in the podcast.
I had comments made to me by more than one person addressing this.
Oh, you've gained weight.
That was extremely hurtful and really bothered me.
I mean, how could it not?
I feel as though maybe because I've freed myself in finding myself not as dysregulated
and more balanced, I've allowed myself to let things go when they don't matter.
It's not my weight or how my body looks that makes my experience be a good or bad one.
It's just how you let yourself be affected by things and your experience.
How you perceive things and what you hold value to with aspects and attributes.
I think I've gone to a more stable weight for me, depending on my food sensitivities
and bloat.
But regardless, most of the time I find myself comfortable within my body, my clothes, on
both the good days and the bad ones.
When I post videos on Instagram, I no longer nitpick myself or even notice these things.
If a video is less flattering where you can see rolls, where I would have normally not
posted it trying to get it right, I don't care anymore.
I still post it.
I would have never done that before.
I would have kept refilming, trying to hide, or just not bothered.
I don't care.
I'm in Arizona, in 33 degree weather, taking this all in.
While those who mention my weight or care about things that are not for them to care
about are stuck in Canada, where it's cold in spaces that aren't serving them and cause
them to focus on things that are none of their business.
I could care less because I am who I am.
This is my body.
This is the body in which I reside.
I'm healthy.
I'm well.
And I'm thankful for that.
Noticing that this doesn't bother me how it used to is a huge win.
Who would I even be trying to impress?
It should only be myself.
And I'm already so impressed with the progress I've made this far.
I am loved regardless by those who matter.
Not only that, but I'm healthy.
I'm not fat.
I'm fairly fit.
The stomach that overhangs?
Loose skin from a previous time, where I survived and still wear the proof of my strength and
resilience and the ability to overcome.
A part of my story, a tribute to what it is that my body and I have been through.
There's still work to be done, but this is progress.
The fact that I can post videos where I'm not perfect, not cute, or even look disheveled
with nasty hair.
I just don't care.
I really don't.
I know where I stand.
I'm always going to be comfortable little me in my space.
I've always been this way.
I'm done hiding behind a fake persona, lying about the reality of my experience in any
way, shape, or form.
And that includes physically.
I can't do that if I'm to be authentic and vulnerable in this podcast.
I've opened up and everyone can see it on display for what it is and who I am.
This just brings me to a different perspective on things, you know?
It has me taking a new angle when it comes to this experience where I'm currently living
in my life and it's a nice feeling.
It's free.