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A check-in seems long overdue, don't you think?

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So join me as I reflect upon where I'm at and how I'm feeling about it.

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I record this as I'm located just outside of Phoenix in Apache Junction.

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I arrived here early so that I could be stationary as I await a follow-up appointment with the

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GI surgeon.

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Tanner is set to arrive the evening of Halloween.

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The plan is to get some work done before his arrival so I can enjoy my time with him without

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worrying about work.

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I'm beyond ecstatic to see him.

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It's going to be nothing short of fantastic.

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Emotionally, I anticipate Tears, thankful that he's here with me.

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Tears, because I know it will be so hard to drop him off at the airport five short days

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later.

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No doubt, I will make so many jokes about how he should quit his job and join me, where

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we can be nomads together, how if we are both broke, we will at least have each other.

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I'm kidding, of course, mostly.

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It's been a month since I've left home.

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I currently would say that I feel settled, more settled and grounded in my experience

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in this adventure.

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Many of the fears and anxiety I'd picked up along the way have dissipated.

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I had no choice but to face them bravely on more than one occasion.

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Things like uncoupling the trailer, which I had only done once until today.

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Now we're at two times.

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It went well.

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There was no more nervousness that remained.

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I just did it.

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Same with backing the trailer up.

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Today was more of a challenge, and sometimes it feels like I need to perform a 90 point

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turn before I find success.

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But I find it comforting that despite this, I was not headed towards emotional reactivity

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because of it.

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I even had an audience, but I paid it no mind.

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I took what I needed.

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I executed.

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I did the thing.

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Now that I have gotten the seemingly scary things out of the way, and I've figured out

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what makes me happiest, the things that make me feel good, the things I enjoy doing, I feel

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like I'm not so focused on the things that cause me to feel pressured.

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For example, touristy things.

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A lot of the things that I had felt I needed to do was because I was in an area where these

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things existed, and wondered how could I possibly skip out on this?

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These things.

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I did not feel urged to do them.

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It felt like an obligation.

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It didn't make me happy.

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I know I've touched upon this before, but it sticks with me as something to be mindful

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of.

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I try not to spend money, but also not deprive myself of things that I feel called to do,

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or that I want to see.

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I feel pretty good about where I'm at right now.

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I listen to myself.

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I do what it is that I want to do.

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I'm really enjoying staying at state parks, experiencing what they have to offer.

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There's a sense of safety in the people, and the rounds that are completed regularly by

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the hosts.

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There also isn't the feeling that someone is up your ass all the time, within inches

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of your space.

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People come here to camp, to get out in nature.

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It's a different experience.

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There's access to cool hikes, beautiful viewpoints, and a sense of freedom.

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What about fatigue?

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Well, I do still get tired, but it's usually due to sun exposure and being exhausted from

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hiking.

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It's not like it used to be, and I have been more kind with myself, holding less of a tendency

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to beat myself up if I'm not my most productive self.

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I still find ways to be productive, but I'm getting better with setting limits if I feel

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like I've had a long day and am tired, exhausted.

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I no longer feel the need to force it if I'm just not feeling it.

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If I want to chill, I chill.

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I've read a few books so far, and that's been really nice.

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That's part of it, part vacation, and rest, but it's also life.

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I'm still learning to navigate the balance, and it's been pretty good so far.

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I feel fortunate to have these opportunities to engage in, and it's quite therapeutic.

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I will say, though, I've slipped up in my meditation practice and haven't been as diligent

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as I should be.

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I feel guilty about it, and tell myself, maybe you don't really need it.

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It's nice to feel settled enough that I forget about it, but I acknowledge that this is an

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important part of maintenance, and I should continue to prioritize it.

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I journal a lot, and when I do, I find it's filled with more depth and has more meaning

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than usual.

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I wonder if I'm finding the therapeutic connection of meditation through this means as an alternative.

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It feels more authentic, proof that I'm living more in the moment, on a regular basis.

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Fears pertaining to finances still exist.

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Those are unchanged.

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I feel like this is where I'm just starting to get into things, so I just gotta keep at

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it and keep pushing.

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Something I'm going to touch upon that might sound really strange is that I feel like depending

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on where I'm at in my life and what's going on, say I'm in a transitional period, so to

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speak, my outward physical appearance is affected, and this has been validated by a few comments

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that I had received when I posted photos that I shared on my story.

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I think it's good, but it leaves me feeling a bit confused.

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I look at myself and ask, is that me?

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Some things about it just seem unrecognizable.

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It's not bad, it's just strange.

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As though some shift has happened that has translated itself onto my physical form.

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I'm not used to seeing myself this way or looking like this.

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I don't know if it's because when the stress left, it caused a sag in my body.

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I'm finding it really difficult to put this into words without sounding weird.

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It feels like there's been a loosening, a relaxing, and maybe my appearance has followed

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suit.

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Someone mentioned, you look like this time has been really good to you.

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I can see it in your face.

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I'm not sure what this means or what this looks like, but it's a visible difference

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to be sure.

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I just think it's interesting to note.

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Sleep?

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Oh, sleep.

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Sleep is fantastic.

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I don't have moments of utter exhaustion for seemingly no reason anymore.

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I no longer feel as though I could sleep forever and a day.

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I'm getting an average of 6-8 hours per night, I'd say.

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It's easier to go to bed earlier too, because the sun sets so early, and I also get up early

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just so I can enjoy the daytime.

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It's also a matter of trying to beat the heat with any outdoor activities, because

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it's still really warm.

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It's upwards of 35 degrees midday.

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I've stopped caring so much about things I've realized that don't matter.

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To some degree, anyway, more than I used to let it bother me.

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The entire year prior to me leaving, a lot happened contributing to my feelings and

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sense of dysregulation.

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I gained 10 pounds.

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For those who rolled their eyes and said, oh, big deal, 10 pounds, it is a big deal.

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For someone my height, my frame size, and my history, it's a huge deal.

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A significant difference.

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Two clothing sizes different.

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Never mind the hurtful inflections that are not to be discussed at this point in the podcast.

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I had comments made to me by more than one person addressing this.

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Oh, you've gained weight.

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That was extremely hurtful and really bothered me.

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I mean, how could it not?

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I feel as though maybe because I've freed myself in finding myself not as dysregulated

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and more balanced, I've allowed myself to let things go when they don't matter.

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It's not my weight or how my body looks that makes my experience be a good or bad one.

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It's just how you let yourself be affected by things and your experience.

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How you perceive things and what you hold value to with aspects and attributes.

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I think I've gone to a more stable weight for me, depending on my food sensitivities

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and bloat.

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But regardless, most of the time I find myself comfortable within my body, my clothes, on

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both the good days and the bad ones.

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When I post videos on Instagram, I no longer nitpick myself or even notice these things.

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If a video is less flattering where you can see rolls, where I would have normally not

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posted it trying to get it right, I don't care anymore.

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I still post it.

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I would have never done that before.

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I would have kept refilming, trying to hide, or just not bothered.

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I don't care.

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I'm in Arizona, in 33 degree weather, taking this all in.

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While those who mention my weight or care about things that are not for them to care

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about are stuck in Canada, where it's cold in spaces that aren't serving them and cause

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them to focus on things that are none of their business.

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I could care less because I am who I am.

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This is my body.

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This is the body in which I reside.

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I'm healthy.

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I'm well.

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And I'm thankful for that.

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Noticing that this doesn't bother me how it used to is a huge win.

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Who would I even be trying to impress?

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It should only be myself.

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And I'm already so impressed with the progress I've made this far.

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I am loved regardless by those who matter.

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Not only that, but I'm healthy.

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I'm not fat.

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I'm fairly fit.

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The stomach that overhangs?

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Loose skin from a previous time, where I survived and still wear the proof of my strength and

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resilience and the ability to overcome.

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A part of my story, a tribute to what it is that my body and I have been through.

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There's still work to be done, but this is progress.

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The fact that I can post videos where I'm not perfect, not cute, or even look disheveled

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with nasty hair.

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I just don't care.

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I really don't.

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I know where I stand.

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I'm always going to be comfortable little me in my space.

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I've always been this way.

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I'm done hiding behind a fake persona, lying about the reality of my experience in any

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way, shape, or form.

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And that includes physically.

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I can't do that if I'm to be authentic and vulnerable in this podcast.

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I've opened up and everyone can see it on display for what it is and who I am.

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This just brings me to a different perspective on things, you know?

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It has me taking a new angle when it comes to this experience where I'm currently living

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in my life and it's a nice feeling.

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It's free.