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I have always been the biggest believer of the statement.

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People show you who they are.

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You just need to believe them.

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That actions speak louder than words.

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How people behave, react, and treat others says so much more about them than when they

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tell you with words who they are.

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Who they believe themselves to be, rather than who they actually are.

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What happens if I take this idea and use it to reflect on the ways that I show up for

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myself in the world?

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How do I show myself who I really am?

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Mmm, what a dark web this proves to be.

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So intricate.

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There are many events that happen in my life that are not explosive in nature, but end

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up feeling as though they are because of what it shows me about myself.

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Things that happen that I look at and go, what?

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This episode is a result of my experience in seeking help while on my travels in Wilcox,

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Arizona, when I was feeling extremely unwell and suspected I might have pneumonia.

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But this is not an isolated incident, and as I sit here to discuss this, I really take

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note of that.

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It's said that those in healthcare make the worst patients, for a number of reasons.

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We don't want to add to the workload.

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The system is burdened.

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We don't want to show up for silly, nonsensical things.

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Do you see what I did there?

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I minimized my reality.

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I gaslit myself, and I tried to diminish my experience for the convenience of others.

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Ouch.

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Tanner landed on Halloween, two days into what was likely the common cold.

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A sore throat, stuffy sinuses, a cough.

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That wasn't going to stop him from seeing me, and I didn't want him to cancel either,

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as long as he felt well enough to drive to the airport and was allowed to board the plane.

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I guess the world is really over the pandemic scare.

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He boarded, and he got here safely.

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I wouldn't let a silly thing like a cold stand between me and my person as we reconnected

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physically, hugging, kissing, snuggling, making up for a lost time, so much closeness.

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It was a much needed thing to indulge in.

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Long distance is really difficult when human connection extends past simply communicating,

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and has needs and requirements that translate into the physical realm.

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November 3rd, I came to the realization that I had caught what he had.

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The second I woke up, I was coughing, constantly clearing my throat.

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I think you're sick too, babe, he had said, to which I responded.

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I just haven't drank enough water, and it causes me to wake up with a dry throat.

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We already know I'm stubborn.

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The next day, we'd plan to hike, but I felt like garbage.

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My sinuses were pressured.

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I felt in my body the sentiment of, I don't want to, I just wanted to cuddle up.

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We had to move the trailer, so we drove two hours and got settled into the next campsite.

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I'm pretty sure it was the day we spent the afternoon napping.

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I really needed it.

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I had slept like crap the night before.

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My throat was itchy, but it wasn't anything major.

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We loaded up on cold meds that we shared between the two of us, and made the most of our time

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together.

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By the time he left, I had a slight cough, but I was feeling like things were looking

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up.

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I had an emotional hangover from him leaving, needing to move, wondering what the next little

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while would look like for me, but I tried to stay positive and look forward to some

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of the hikes that I had mapped out.

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My first full day in Lake Havasu City on November 8th, I told myself we're going to chill.

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I had a therapy session, I spent the day reflecting and working on projects.

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I had a dry cough, but it wasn't worse, just that annoying tail end of things that seemed

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to linger a little too long thereafter.

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The next day, I headed out for the hike, same symptoms as the day before.

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I was so excited to get out there.

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It wasn't overly hot, but I decided since I was still fighting something, I would avoid

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the trail that required the rappel.

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I was disappointed.

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I hoped to conquer something that scared me, but I told myself you can just come back if

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you're truly dead set on it.

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I just needed a lower key hiking day to just get out but not overdo it.

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Jokes on me though, because I did not realize the elevation spike of the surrounding trails

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as a result of bypassing the canyon, so it was a heart rate spiker for sure, but absolutely

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stunning.

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By the time I reached the lake, I realized I'm spent.

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I felt really hot.

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It was 20 degrees, but direct sun and hot desert.

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I didn't think it was a good idea to sit around and sightsee, so I headed back.

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It ended up being an 8 kilometer hike.

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I had drank a lot of water, I snagged on some carbs, and figured I might like to go sit in

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a restaurant journal, upload some podcasts, and take it easy over a nice meal.

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By the time I reached the truck, blasting myself in the face with air conditioning, I said,

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wow, I feel like shit.

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I wasn't able to regulate my temperature, and I stayed feeling hot.

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I had had a coughing fit that I couldn't get out of without reaching for my inhaler.

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Shit.

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It had started as a dry cough, a tickle, but I had a fit in the parking lot that I just

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couldn't control.

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People were starting to stare.

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Normally, when I require my inhaler, my chin gets itchy, I can feel the wheezing building

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up in my lungs.

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It's a rare occurrence, and it doesn't start out how this did, but I felt better after

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I took it.

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I ended up grabbing a ton of medications from the grocery store, and went to self-soothe

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in the AC in the trailer.

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I was taking the next day off to recover for sure.

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I shouldn't have hiked.

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I overdid it when I wasn't feeling well enough yet.

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I started using dayquil, nightquil, for the Tylenol, the cough, Vix was an added measure,

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and I started my steroid inhaler that I brought just in case.

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My throat and my lungs were burning, but I could still breathe.

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It just felt like fire.

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The next day was much of the same, except I entered two nights of little sleep, interrupted

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with long stretches of uncontrollable coughing fits.

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It was dry, but in the morning I was coughing up green phlegm, but in small amounts.

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I just needed to clear, I thought.

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I headed back through Arizona and landed in a random state park for the night, another

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night of little sleep coughing, self-consciousness, being worried the entire campsites experience

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was being inconvenienced by my uncontrollable symptoms.

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At this point, though, whenever I took cough medicine, I seemed to feel worse.

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I was so hot, so uncomfortable, I was flushed.

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I'm not like this.

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Normally I struggle to get warm.

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The Tylenol didn't ease the feeling hot at all.

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Shit.

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I wondered if maybe I was reacting to the cough medicine.

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I tested myself for COVID.

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I was negative.

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It just so happened that I had a long day of driving ahead of me, 9 and a half hours

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to get to Amarillo, Texas.

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When I woke up, I became scared.

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I told myself, you'll be fine.

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You have to get through this.

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It's just a cold.

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You need to cover a good amount of ground today.

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Gathering my courage, I stood up to do dishes, and I fell back.

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I was woozy and I felt weird.

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I couldn't stop coughing.

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I was so hot.

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I couldn't focus.

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Shit.

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It would be impossible to focus on driving the trailer and all that was needed to get

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through this.

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Never mind uncoupling to get an oil change the following day.

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If I don't feel better by tomorrow, I'll rent another night in Amarillo and I'll

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go to the hospital.

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This is what I told myself.

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When I told my dad, he told me, stop being unreasonable.

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If you have any thoughts of going to a hospital, you should be going now.

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I was surrounded by small towns, knowing full well I'd be headed into the desert with only

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gas stations for miles and miles before hitting any large city.

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I decided to head to a gas station, telling myself I'll consider going to the ER if I

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don't feel better by the time I reach the station.

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I had gotten ready and hopped into my truck wearing my cheetah print bathrobe.

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That's not like me at all.

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But I ignored it.

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As I said, I'm stubborn.

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I looked down at my watch, heart rate 110.

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I looked back at the last few days.

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My average was well above 100 for baseline, unless I was sleeping.

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I started getting really nervous.

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This presentation is concerning if I would be thinking about anybody else.

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A productive cough, a fever unmanaged by Tylenol or Advil, and a heart rate above 100, sick

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for over 11 days.

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Shit.

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Shit.

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Thanks to luck and the kindness of strangers, I was able to make it work.

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I found an RV park that had a spot available and the owner helped me back in so I could

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go to the hospital.

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After all was said and done, it was determined I did not have anything big going on.

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But suspected of bacterial, low grade infection had set in.

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I was given antibiotics, reassurance, and headed back to the trailer for two days of

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rest before deciding to go any further.

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At least I now had peace of mind that I was okay.

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I was just really struggling through this.

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But I had felt not okay.

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I had felt really unwell, and had I been on the outside looking in, I would have pushed

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for me to get seen a few days ago.

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Instead I kept telling myself I was fine.

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When I called the insurance company to start a claim and asked the RV resort owner for

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a last minute spot to get help at the hospital, each of them independently told me, wow, you

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don't sound good at all.

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It hit me all at once how ridiculous this is.

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I'm on a quest to show myself love, compassion, to build myself worth, and yet I'm not treating

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myself in any of these ways.

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I was neglecting myself.

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I would think, well, it could be worse, at least I'm not XYZ.

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Why is it that I need to do this to myself when I encourage others to get the help they

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need when they need it?

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What is wrong with me?

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I am just as worthy as anyone else who is allowed to need help, to have bad days, to

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require support.

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I just haven't been treating myself that way.

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The reality is, even if I wasn't dying, needing oxygen, or any variety of worse, I was not

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well.

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For myself, I was not a baseline.

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I was unwell and not functional.

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This should have been enough to know that I needed to stop and pay attention.

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But I just kept saying to myself, you're fine.

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That wasn't fine at all.

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Why shouldn't I also deserve peace of mind?

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Why should I wait until I'm septic before I decide to seek help?

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Another very obvious example of this was when I was trapped in the elevator of the condo

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I was staying at.

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When I was halfway to my floor, the power shut off to the building and I was stuck.

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The emergency backup system was not hooked up, didn't come on, and I couldn't get out.

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I had requested help through the emergency phone button in the elevator and was told

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it would be well over an hour before someone could drive from another town and let me out.

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I sat down, ready to wait.

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I mentioned it to my co-worker who also lived in the apartment at the time.

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She lost it.

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She called the fire department, who got me out in 20 minutes.

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Can you believe that I felt bad that they would have to come and get me out of an elevator?

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There was a dozen people, fire trucks surrounding the building, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

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I had been willing to wait for someone to come let me out so that I didn't inconvenience

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anyone.

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I was stuck in an elevator.

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Meanwhile, if anyone else had been stuck, I would have been calling for help to get them

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out sooner too.

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This is a really strange place to be with regards to recognition.

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I still don't know what it is that makes me feel so small, as though I'm not worthy,

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as though I'm an inconvenience.

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And these are both very valid situations and absolutely call for help from others, and I

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am absolutely worthy of getting help for.

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In some ways, I'd probably be suffering a lot longer, or perhaps I'd even still be

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stuck in that damn elevator had I not learned to objectively assess the situations and experiences

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that I lived through.

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I have to say, I wonder if this isn't related to my fear of judgment from others, which

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would actually translate into my own judgments of myself.

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It's likely that people aren't sitting there thinking what I'm thinking, things like,

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what if people think I'm someone who run to the ER for something small and unreasonable?

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What if I'm fine and I'm just being a big baby who can't cope?

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I think a lot of this is wrapped into the judgments that are passed around like a hot

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potato while working in an environment such as the emergency room, where we are hungry

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for adrenaline inducing cases and traumas, where anything less than that causes comments

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and judgments to escape out of the mouths of those around us.

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Are they seriously coming to the ER for this?

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I recognize that my history of working in the field really affects my decisions in this

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way, even though I know enough about medical conditions that I should be able to determine

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when I need help for my valid symptoms, where I know I have at times judged others, but

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in the end can reason that health care is a service that every single person deserves

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and variables come into play all the time that explain the reason why a seemingly stable

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patient is seeking care when they could or possibly should go elsewhere.

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This doesn't explain the elevator situation, but I'm starting to realize that the fear

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I have deep inside of judgment is a lot more expansive than I had thought it to be.

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Here's what I want to learn to believe for myself.

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You are worthy of love, care, and support, no matter how severe or simple the experience

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you're living appears to others or even to yourself.

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You need to start listening to yourself and trusting yourself.

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Remember we talked about this?

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I know we still need to keep doing it, to solidify, but you need to trust and listen to what your

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body is telling you.

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It knows a lot more than you give it credit for, and sometimes even when you don't understand

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how it knows so much, you just need to have trust in it.

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It's trying to keep you safe, to make sure you're going in the right direction, and

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doing so in a healthy and safe way.

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Even if other people go through worse, it doesn't change that your experience impacts

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you in a way that is worthy of attention.

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Downplaying your situation and your needs is not heroic.

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It doesn't help in self-preservation.

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It's a habit that goes against all you've worked so hard and continue to work so hard

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towards.

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It's a boundary you need to set with yourself.

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You come first.

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If you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable.

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If you're sick, you're sick.

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It doesn't matter how sick or not sick you are.

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You are not your best self in those moments, and you need to consider this as your only

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perspective going forward.

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If you find yourself struggling to keep this in mind, remember, you are your best friend.

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You are your number one advocate, your number one supporter.

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Step outside of yourself and imagine you are standing beside a friend.

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What is it that you say to them?

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What would you be thinking?

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We both know that it would not be these judgments and diminishing of experiences that would

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be spilling out of your mouth and into their ears.

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One step at a time, acknowledging these things, is taking steps in the right direction to undo

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all the patterns you've come to recognize as being unhelpful and unhealthy.

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You matter.

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I love you.