There are times where it becomes evident that I did not receive a copy of the societal norm handbook when I was born.
It's nothing new that I will experience situations that arise where I simply do not wish to participate.
When I feel as though I am forced to, expected to, or obligated to, I get really intense feelings.
I get uncomfortable as though I'm being violated in some way.
I feel defensive, which quickly turns to anger. I see my blood boils.
I know I use toddlers a lot as examples to provide a mental image, but it's so fitting.
Here, that would be akin to telling a toddler to clean up their toys, which causes them to yell no, stomp their feet, and start rage-crying.
Of course, I do not do this in public.
Instead, I internalize it, which makes me wonder if at any time will my eyes pop out of my head, or will I shoot off like a rocket into outer space?
Sometimes, the second option would actually be a desired outcome, just to get me out of there.
I imagine this originates from the many years of my life, read that as most of them,
where I did not have any boundaries to protect myself, to provide myself inner peace, and a safe space.
Although, now that I say this, sometimes I just find people downright annoying and rude.
Allow me to explain.
There's times in life that I'm sure we can all agree.
We just want to be left alone, completely alone, alone with our thoughts, the quiet, downtime.
Whatever the reason, it's something we've all felt. At least I imagine.
I feel like this is something I genuinely want and need much more than the standard fare.
If I could, I would design my life in such a way that socializing or talking to others would occur maybe only 30% of the time,
with the remainder of the 70% being quiet time for myself. Absolute solitude.
This month away has really solidified that this would be preferred.
Sometimes, I do admittedly get lonely, and I talk my partner's ear off when we do talk on the phone,
but otherwise, I am beyond ecstatic to not be obligated to do a thing, especially not socializing or engaging in that way.
The reasons for this I won't get into at this time.
I do have a sneaking suspicion and research data to support it, but that's something interesting I want to explore in my memoir.
Something happened that really triggered this rage within me, this anger, when I was in San Antonio at the RV resort.
I headed out to do laundry before checking out the following day, and though it's a quick turnaround time,
I decided to stick it out in the common area while I waited.
I had brought my laptop dedicated to adding more words to this novel I'm trying to write.
When I walked into the common area, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a man seated on the couch.
He noticed me as I walked in, proceeded to turn his entire body to face me and then look at me.
I could read his body language. He wanted to talk to me.
I, on the other hand, absolutely did not.
I avoided eye contact at all costs. I sat facing away at a table, so I wouldn't invite conversation.
I did not want to be social.
I wanted to do my laundry to work on my book.
This is also wrapped up in being a young female by herself, or a female at all, really,
where there's always a reason to be on edge, to be aware of your surroundings at all costs and who is in them.
The knowing that 9 times out of 10, when a man approaches you, it has a double meaning, sexual intention,
flirting, garner attention, that for whatever reason they feel entitled to.
This sounds biased, but think about when have you ever been approached as often by a woman, just to have innocent conversation?
That's my point exactly. On top of not wanting to socialize, I also do not want to play nice.
I don't want to play that game. I don't want to give any sort of sign that I'm remotely interested in any sort of walk down that path, period.
At some point or another, somebody else walked in, with an eagerness to talk, and before he knew it,
this man had more conversation than he could handle. He didn't need me.
Phew. I threw my clothes in the dryer, decided to sit outside to wait.
Everyone here seemed to want to build community, to chat.
Maybe that's what RV Park life is about, but it's not something I'm interested in.
I find it overwhelming, overstimulating, and being polite and smiling, and trying to say a few words,
is way more than I even want to use an ounce of energy for.
Without fail, as I sat down, a golf cart appeared, blaring music.
It parked right in front of me, right where I was sitting.
I was aware of its location, but I did not acknowledge its arrival. I did not look up.
I acted like it did not exist. The music continued after the cart was turned off.
It was a really weird song, some sort of berry white type serenade.
It went on far too long for it to be comfortable, for it to be coincidence.
I know, because I looked at my timer, and tracked how long it stayed on, the length of a full song.
I pulled my headphones out of my pocket and put them in my ears. I was annoyed.
I knew, even one glance in that direction would ensure that I would be ensnared in
conversation that I did not want. He had no choice but to eventually go inside.
This is something that happens to me often, and it got me wondering.
It reminds me of how a cat can tell if someone is not a cat person,
or knows when someone is allergic to them, how they're instantly drawn to that person,
to try to get their attention at all costs. This is how this makes me feel.
I am so self-focused, so avoidant. It is beyond clear that I do not want to be talked to,
acknowledged, or approached. I am in my own world.
For some reason, I perceive these interactions as though these people have this overwhelming urge
that overtakes them, where they absolutely need to take me out of my space, out of my head,
to somehow bring me back to the real world, where they are standing right in front of me.
I don't understand why. I don't know if it's me being selfish and self-absorbed,
but it's like in avoiding it, in avoiding them. Whoever the stranger is in the space,
it doesn't necessarily pertain just to this golf cart guy or the lobby guy. They need to be acknowledged
or noticed, or they somehow are left feeling uncomfortable that I am not aware of their existence.
There is more attempts made to be obvious when simply standing and staring doesn't work.
They cough, they grunt, they shout surprise statements to try to garner a sideways glance.
I've even had men pretend to bump into me. Does it surprise you that I would act as though I didn't
even notice that they were there and that they rubbed up against me? That really, really makes them mad.
Why is this the baseline? Why is it like this? Why can't I simply exist in a space where if I
don't want to socialize, I just don't. I don't have to. Especially when it comes to strangers.
Especially. The beauty of strangers is that you don't need to acknowledge one another at all.
You can ignore each other, you can move on. There is zero impact on either one of you whatsoever.
You're a stranger, a person with a body who has passed by. End of story. So this is where I get
really angered and feel violated. I just want to be left alone. Why is that such a hard ask?
I'm thinking that this sounds a bit childish, and I do realize I am living in a world
in a society with other people and that we are among one another. That I can't just only choose
to socialize when I want to and prevent it otherwise. That's selfish. But I would really
appreciate if when it came to strangers, I could absolutely have the option and make that choice
without being made to feel like every social outing is one where I need to don my resting
bitch face in order to prep for the battle of defense when all I need is a dozen eggs from
the grocery store. The second aspect. I've been away for just over a month now, being alone the
majority of it. Outside of talking on the phone with Tanner, chatting on Messenger with family and
a few friends, and using social media to post stories and videos of my daily adventures,
my interactions with people are limited to those at the grocery store, checking in at state parks,
and the occasional chit chat along the way on a hiking trail or some innocuous situation that
leaves me feeling like this is okay. Even though I have had so much alone time, I am still finding
that it is a challenge to adhere to social norms. The expectation of socializing as a general rule
in today's society anyways. I find it hard to talk to people all the time, to feel pressured to do so,
and to have access be allowed to me at all times. Even in not responding, I still have a phone and
it's on my person almost all the time, as it is for all of us. So we are technically still always
available. We just decide at which points we want to give into that availability. I find it hard to
keep up with this, and frankly, I find it annoying, draining. I'm starting to think it just isn't for
me. I miss the old days, if you aren't too young to remember, where socializing was limited to if
you were home to answer your landline, where you had to send an email or a message that would only
be received and responded to if and when someone logged into the computer. It wasn't an all day
affair. You sometimes connected at the same times, sometimes you didn't. You had a life and no one
got their feelings hurt because you didn't spend all day in front of your computer. I feel as though
I never get caught up in my social calendar. My notifications are never zero. I find that extremely
difficult. I don't mean Instagram, but text messages, messenger, snapchat. There's a constant
barrage of expectation to respond to people, to have simultaneous ongoing conversations with a
multitude of people, and it's just a struggle. It's so unnatural. How can anyone possibly have
that much to say all the time? That's what's even more astounding to me. We aren't even actually
saying anything when we communicate. We're just keeping in contact to keep connected. What the
fuck? I had been chatting with a friend and the conversation was petering off as they often do
near the end, where there isn't much left to say, and in my mind it's an acceptable time to stop
responding and to step away. This person never stopped responding. There is no opening to ask
questions or keep the conversation going, but somehow they were skilled enough to keep it going.
It wouldn't end. It wouldn't be let to die. I ended up putting my phone down in frustration
and out loud saying, oh my fucking god, stop it already. How is there still more to say?
Why are you still typing? How is this something that can be navigated in a way that isn't offensive?
It almost seems like anything can come off rude. I guess it absolutely can, should the receiving
end decide to perceive it that way, of course. But you know what we do instead? We just don't open
the message, where the expectation lingers to go back and continue the conversation at a later time
when you have refueled your capacity or you have a moment. Meaning the conversation never fucking ends.
It never ends. How is this not acknowledged as being problematic? Who wants to have an ongoing
forever conversation with multiple people at all times in their lives? Not me. I could pretend
that I feel bad for feeling this way, but I honestly don't. I find it ridiculous. Maybe this is
something else I'm learning on my journey of peace and solitude. Being able to clearly see a situation
for what it is, breaking it down and stating it as it exists, and then mouthing what the fuck to
myself. I can't possibly be the only person who sees this and feels this way. I'm entering a phase
where I realize the constant expectation of constant communication and reachability we have
put ourselves into, and that we have allowed into our lives is absolutely ridiculous and screwed up.
It's unhealthy. I am so much more of a hermit than I initially thought I was. I have this fear
that if I go home, even if it doesn't look like returning to the bedside, returning to being a
nurse, there will be an expectation of returning and re-entering this patterning of communication
and conversation with people. I can't even keep up with it now in the way it exists, and I've been
alone for a month. I've had time to recuperate on my own. When I was reading old journals,
I realized I was complaining about the same thing back in 2021. That's three years ago.
So I'm asking a very open question to everybody that I'm not sure if I'll get an answer to,
but what's the solution here? How do we reach a point where we're at a comfortable level of
socially acceptable socialization? Where, yeah, we chat, but there's an end. It isn't constant,
and there isn't constant check-ins if you don't respond within an arbitrarily decided time frame.
We only have a small group of super close friends, the rest being more casual in nature. Yet, why
are we constantly up each other's asses about communicating with all of these people all of
the time? How do we, or I, move forward in a healthy sort of way? However I was doing it before was
that just wasn't it. It was not it. I can tell you that much. So what do I return to? Where do I go
from here? I'm sitting here puzzled. I really don't know. I'm embarrassed to admit that I feel
shame about this in the sense that I'm asking myself, what is wrong with me that I don't want
to keep up with people in this way, in the way everyone else does. It's not even shame in that
I can't keep up with it. It's a shame that I don't want to. I realize there's nothing wrong with
not partaking in things that don't interest you. We do it all the time when we turn down invites
to things we just don't want to do, or that we don't enjoy. But for some reason, this is a different
aspect of it that isn't thought out or considered much, it seems. I don't know how to exist in this
social norm, this realm. This next part is a bit more touchy. I have at times had the sneaking
suspicion or feeling that the way in which my neurodiversity affects me causes me to receive
cold shoulders, spite, and judgment in return. This probably can apply to every aspect of life,
actually, but this is specific to socializing. My fellow neuro spicy friends operate much in
the same way as I do, completely empathetic to the fact that I can't respond for days at a time,
that I may forget to respond because the notification was erased and I forgot it was a task I intended
to do. They do the same to me. There's no hard feelings. We take our time, respond when we can,
communicate infrequently, and in ways that would seem strange to others, but it's what works for
us, and we get it. We get that we have 9,000 things going on, and sometimes things are shiny and more
interesting at the forefront, and they get our attention. We know that we hold love in our
hearts for one another, and that eventually we'll get around to catching up, and it just works.
But when coming into contact with those whose brains are more standardly wired,
well, it's not such a grateful scenario. For those who do not share this problem, who are able
to keep up, so to speak, with the norms and the expectations of the daily grind, they don't share
this same perspective or this understanding. I'm questioning if perhaps when I am myself and how
I respond, which includes sometimes taking days, that perhaps the result is that it is thrown back
at me in a spiteful way. As if to say, she took this many days to respond, so I'm going to do
the same back to her. The reality is, if I'm not responding to something, it's either that I'm super
busy, your request is a simple one that is not life or death and can wait, or on the other hand,
it requires a lot of my brain power, my mental capacity, and depth that I do not have to give
to you in that time. So it is out of respect for you that I simply wait until I am able to give
you the undivided attention that I feel you deserve in the response because I respect you.
I see it as if I'm doing you a favor, because otherwise you wouldn't get the full me, the best
me, and the response would not be wholehearted and fulfilling in ways I am only able to do when I
have the space for that. Maybe I should consider approaching these situations where I leave people's
messages unopened by simply acknowledging I have received it and we'll get back to them at my earliest
convenience. But that creates another problem, the notification goes away unless they respond in
acknowledgement, which then means out of sight, out of mind, this is how my brain works, and I feel
like it's utterly unreasonable to start making to-do lists where I document who I have to respond to
and when. That's just not a life I want to live. So this is what I find painful. It's a double-edged
sword. In one sense, my behavior is for sure perceivable as rude, ignorant, selfish, and not
making anyone but myself a priority. It comes off as though I am ignoring people, but to me,
when I post on social media and post stories, that is separate from communication. It has to be,
otherwise I would drown and just go live in a cabin in the woods. I can't be on the app all day
long, neither can you. I need to have aspects that I can control where and when I tap into things as
a boundary for myself. On the other hand, the way it's perceived and responded to or not responded
to, towards me, it makes me feel like crap. I'm unseen, unappreciated, and per usual misunderstood.
My brain functions in ways that are different, factually. I could attempt to explain this to people
as reasons for my behavior, but the reality is they're never going to believe me. People can only
live within their experience and how they perceive the world. They can acknowledge, sure, that there's
differences in life and how it's lived, how behaviors are impacted, and look at it in an
objectable, factual way. But that doesn't mean it's understood. That doesn't mean there's
accompanied empathy behind it in a way that allows for meaningful connection to live there.
Just like how I will never understand how people can just do this, how they can just live like this
and manage, like it's no big deal. It's also a situation where I can't outright ask or call it out.
Hey, are you doing this out of spite? This is how I feel right now regarding this.
First off, they're going to probably be angry at me and feel attacked, and secondly, no one would
ever admit it, even if it was true. Not many people have it in them to allow themselves to be open and
honest in a vulnerable way. I know in this way I am an anomaly as well. It's also the fact we
aren't even close enough friends for me to try to invest time in trying to fix my hurt feelings
with someone who doesn't truly matter at the end of the day. It's kind of pointless. It still causes
me to have feelings, which increase the shame I feel in not meeting the standard of ridiculous
living. I think that's what I'll refer to it from now on instead of societal norms.
I'm also upset because it's yet again a scenario where I am left to feel as though I need to make
up for my differences and deficiencies by powering through to keep up with everyone else,
where I need to make accommodations for this discomfort and these things to just fit in.
And then I get bitter because I don't understand why no one can take the time to see that perhaps
it's time to finally start accommodating me for once. That I've done this for so long,
doesn't it make sense to try and take turns so that we can all feel as though we matter enough
to be included? Even if it means a bit of changing how we do things around here to ensure that,
I think every once in a while, I deserve a pass too guys.