1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,320 There are times where it becomes evident that I did not receive a copy of the societal norm handbook when I was born. 2 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:15,120 It's nothing new that I will experience situations that arise where I simply do not wish to participate. 3 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:22,760 When I feel as though I am forced to, expected to, or obligated to, I get really intense feelings. 4 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:27,000 I get uncomfortable as though I'm being violated in some way. 5 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:32,760 I feel defensive, which quickly turns to anger. I see my blood boils. 6 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:38,360 I know I use toddlers a lot as examples to provide a mental image, but it's so fitting. 7 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:47,000 Here, that would be akin to telling a toddler to clean up their toys, which causes them to yell no, stomp their feet, and start rage-crying. 8 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,960 Of course, I do not do this in public. 9 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:59,360 Instead, I internalize it, which makes me wonder if at any time will my eyes pop out of my head, or will I shoot off like a rocket into outer space? 10 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:05,200 Sometimes, the second option would actually be a desired outcome, just to get me out of there. 11 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:11,200 I imagine this originates from the many years of my life, read that as most of them, 12 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:17,960 where I did not have any boundaries to protect myself, to provide myself inner peace, and a safe space. 13 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:23,960 Although, now that I say this, sometimes I just find people downright annoying and rude. 14 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Allow me to explain. 15 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,520 There's times in life that I'm sure we can all agree. 16 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:36,320 We just want to be left alone, completely alone, alone with our thoughts, the quiet, downtime. 17 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:40,720 Whatever the reason, it's something we've all felt. At least I imagine. 18 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:46,520 I feel like this is something I genuinely want and need much more than the standard fare. 19 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:55,520 If I could, I would design my life in such a way that socializing or talking to others would occur maybe only 30% of the time, 20 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:01,160 with the remainder of the 70% being quiet time for myself. Absolute solitude. 21 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,360 This month away has really solidified that this would be preferred. 22 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:11,520 Sometimes, I do admittedly get lonely, and I talk my partner's ear off when we do talk on the phone, 23 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:20,960 but otherwise, I am beyond ecstatic to not be obligated to do a thing, especially not socializing or engaging in that way. 24 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960 The reasons for this I won't get into at this time. 25 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:31,160 I do have a sneaking suspicion and research data to support it, but that's something interesting I want to explore in my memoir. 26 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:39,120 Something happened that really triggered this rage within me, this anger, when I was in San Antonio at the RV resort. 27 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:45,240 I headed out to do laundry before checking out the following day, and though it's a quick turnaround time, 28 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,960 I decided to stick it out in the common area while I waited. 29 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:54,440 I had brought my laptop dedicated to adding more words to this novel I'm trying to write. 30 00:02:54,440 --> 00:03:00,960 When I walked into the common area, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a man seated on the couch. 31 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:06,680 He noticed me as I walked in, proceeded to turn his entire body to face me and then look at me. 32 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,360 I could read his body language. He wanted to talk to me. 33 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,480 I, on the other hand, absolutely did not. 34 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:20,360 I avoided eye contact at all costs. I sat facing away at a table, so I wouldn't invite conversation. 35 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,360 I did not want to be social. 36 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,240 I wanted to do my laundry to work on my book. 37 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:31,000 This is also wrapped up in being a young female by herself, or a female at all, really, 38 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:37,160 where there's always a reason to be on edge, to be aware of your surroundings at all costs and who is in them. 39 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:44,120 The knowing that 9 times out of 10, when a man approaches you, it has a double meaning, sexual intention, 40 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,680 flirting, garner attention, that for whatever reason they feel entitled to. 41 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:55,480 This sounds biased, but think about when have you ever been approached as often by a woman, just to have innocent conversation? 42 00:03:55,480 --> 00:04:00,600 That's my point exactly. On top of not wanting to socialize, I also do not want to play nice. 43 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:08,920 I don't want to play that game. I don't want to give any sort of sign that I'm remotely interested in any sort of walk down that path, period. 44 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:14,440 At some point or another, somebody else walked in, with an eagerness to talk, and before he knew it, 45 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:18,440 this man had more conversation than he could handle. He didn't need me. 46 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,920 Phew. I threw my clothes in the dryer, decided to sit outside to wait. 47 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,440 Everyone here seemed to want to build community, to chat. 48 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:31,160 Maybe that's what RV Park life is about, but it's not something I'm interested in. 49 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:37,320 I find it overwhelming, overstimulating, and being polite and smiling, and trying to say a few words, 50 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,160 is way more than I even want to use an ounce of energy for. 51 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:45,560 Without fail, as I sat down, a golf cart appeared, blaring music. 52 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,360 It parked right in front of me, right where I was sitting. 53 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:53,160 I was aware of its location, but I did not acknowledge its arrival. I did not look up. 54 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:57,720 I acted like it did not exist. The music continued after the cart was turned off. 55 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:02,120 It was a really weird song, some sort of berry white type serenade. 56 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,440 It went on far too long for it to be comfortable, for it to be coincidence. 57 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:13,080 I know, because I looked at my timer, and tracked how long it stayed on, the length of a full song. 58 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:17,240 I pulled my headphones out of my pocket and put them in my ears. I was annoyed. 59 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,560 I knew, even one glance in that direction would ensure that I would be ensnared in 60 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:26,280 conversation that I did not want. He had no choice but to eventually go inside. 61 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:30,280 This is something that happens to me often, and it got me wondering. 62 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,680 It reminds me of how a cat can tell if someone is not a cat person, 63 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:39,560 or knows when someone is allergic to them, how they're instantly drawn to that person, 64 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:44,760 to try to get their attention at all costs. This is how this makes me feel. 65 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:50,760 I am so self-focused, so avoidant. It is beyond clear that I do not want to be talked to, 66 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,880 acknowledged, or approached. I am in my own world. 67 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:59,960 For some reason, I perceive these interactions as though these people have this overwhelming urge 68 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:06,200 that overtakes them, where they absolutely need to take me out of my space, out of my head, 69 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:11,480 to somehow bring me back to the real world, where they are standing right in front of me. 70 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:16,840 I don't understand why. I don't know if it's me being selfish and self-absorbed, 71 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:21,800 but it's like in avoiding it, in avoiding them. Whoever the stranger is in the space, 72 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:28,200 it doesn't necessarily pertain just to this golf cart guy or the lobby guy. They need to be acknowledged 73 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:35,320 or noticed, or they somehow are left feeling uncomfortable that I am not aware of their existence. 74 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:40,840 There is more attempts made to be obvious when simply standing and staring doesn't work. 75 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:46,520 They cough, they grunt, they shout surprise statements to try to garner a sideways glance. 76 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:52,520 I've even had men pretend to bump into me. Does it surprise you that I would act as though I didn't 77 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:58,360 even notice that they were there and that they rubbed up against me? That really, really makes them mad. 78 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:06,120 Why is this the baseline? Why is it like this? Why can't I simply exist in a space where if I 79 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:11,960 don't want to socialize, I just don't. I don't have to. Especially when it comes to strangers. 80 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:18,520 Especially. The beauty of strangers is that you don't need to acknowledge one another at all. 81 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:24,200 You can ignore each other, you can move on. There is zero impact on either one of you whatsoever. 82 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:30,280 You're a stranger, a person with a body who has passed by. End of story. So this is where I get 83 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:36,360 really angered and feel violated. I just want to be left alone. Why is that such a hard ask? 84 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:41,800 I'm thinking that this sounds a bit childish, and I do realize I am living in a world 85 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:47,160 in a society with other people and that we are among one another. That I can't just only choose 86 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:52,920 to socialize when I want to and prevent it otherwise. That's selfish. But I would really 87 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:58,920 appreciate if when it came to strangers, I could absolutely have the option and make that choice 88 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:04,920 without being made to feel like every social outing is one where I need to don my resting 89 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:10,680 bitch face in order to prep for the battle of defense when all I need is a dozen eggs from 90 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:17,880 the grocery store. The second aspect. I've been away for just over a month now, being alone the 91 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:23,080 majority of it. Outside of talking on the phone with Tanner, chatting on Messenger with family and 92 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:28,360 a few friends, and using social media to post stories and videos of my daily adventures, 93 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:33,800 my interactions with people are limited to those at the grocery store, checking in at state parks, 94 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:39,720 and the occasional chit chat along the way on a hiking trail or some innocuous situation that 95 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:46,040 leaves me feeling like this is okay. Even though I have had so much alone time, I am still finding 96 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:53,240 that it is a challenge to adhere to social norms. The expectation of socializing as a general rule 97 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:59,720 in today's society anyways. I find it hard to talk to people all the time, to feel pressured to do so, 98 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:05,480 and to have access be allowed to me at all times. Even in not responding, I still have a phone and 99 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:11,640 it's on my person almost all the time, as it is for all of us. So we are technically still always 100 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:17,480 available. We just decide at which points we want to give into that availability. I find it hard to 101 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:23,000 keep up with this, and frankly, I find it annoying, draining. I'm starting to think it just isn't for 102 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:28,840 me. I miss the old days, if you aren't too young to remember, where socializing was limited to if 103 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:33,960 you were home to answer your landline, where you had to send an email or a message that would only 104 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:39,560 be received and responded to if and when someone logged into the computer. It wasn't an all day 105 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:44,760 affair. You sometimes connected at the same times, sometimes you didn't. You had a life and no one 106 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,400 got their feelings hurt because you didn't spend all day in front of your computer. I feel as though 107 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:55,880 I never get caught up in my social calendar. My notifications are never zero. I find that extremely 108 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:01,640 difficult. I don't mean Instagram, but text messages, messenger, snapchat. There's a constant 109 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:07,480 barrage of expectation to respond to people, to have simultaneous ongoing conversations with a 110 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:13,160 multitude of people, and it's just a struggle. It's so unnatural. How can anyone possibly have 111 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:18,520 that much to say all the time? That's what's even more astounding to me. We aren't even actually 112 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:23,960 saying anything when we communicate. We're just keeping in contact to keep connected. What the 113 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:29,240 fuck? I had been chatting with a friend and the conversation was petering off as they often do 114 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:34,200 near the end, where there isn't much left to say, and in my mind it's an acceptable time to stop 115 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:39,400 responding and to step away. This person never stopped responding. There is no opening to ask 116 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:45,080 questions or keep the conversation going, but somehow they were skilled enough to keep it going. 117 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:50,760 It wouldn't end. It wouldn't be let to die. I ended up putting my phone down in frustration 118 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:55,000 and out loud saying, oh my fucking god, stop it already. How is there still more to say? 119 00:10:55,000 --> 00:11:00,920 Why are you still typing? How is this something that can be navigated in a way that isn't offensive? 120 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:06,520 It almost seems like anything can come off rude. I guess it absolutely can, should the receiving 121 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:11,800 end decide to perceive it that way, of course. But you know what we do instead? We just don't open 122 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:17,560 the message, where the expectation lingers to go back and continue the conversation at a later time 123 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:24,440 when you have refueled your capacity or you have a moment. Meaning the conversation never fucking ends. 124 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:30,840 It never ends. How is this not acknowledged as being problematic? Who wants to have an ongoing 125 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:36,760 forever conversation with multiple people at all times in their lives? Not me. I could pretend 126 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:42,040 that I feel bad for feeling this way, but I honestly don't. I find it ridiculous. Maybe this is 127 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:47,560 something else I'm learning on my journey of peace and solitude. Being able to clearly see a situation 128 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:53,000 for what it is, breaking it down and stating it as it exists, and then mouthing what the fuck to 129 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:58,840 myself. I can't possibly be the only person who sees this and feels this way. I'm entering a phase 130 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:04,440 where I realize the constant expectation of constant communication and reachability we have 131 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:10,520 put ourselves into, and that we have allowed into our lives is absolutely ridiculous and screwed up. 132 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:16,680 It's unhealthy. I am so much more of a hermit than I initially thought I was. I have this fear 133 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:21,480 that if I go home, even if it doesn't look like returning to the bedside, returning to being a 134 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:26,760 nurse, there will be an expectation of returning and re-entering this patterning of communication 135 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:32,040 and conversation with people. I can't even keep up with it now in the way it exists, and I've been 136 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:37,400 alone for a month. I've had time to recuperate on my own. When I was reading old journals, 137 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:43,080 I realized I was complaining about the same thing back in 2021. That's three years ago. 138 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:48,760 So I'm asking a very open question to everybody that I'm not sure if I'll get an answer to, 139 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:54,040 but what's the solution here? How do we reach a point where we're at a comfortable level of 140 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:59,960 socially acceptable socialization? Where, yeah, we chat, but there's an end. It isn't constant, 141 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:05,400 and there isn't constant check-ins if you don't respond within an arbitrarily decided time frame. 142 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:11,960 We only have a small group of super close friends, the rest being more casual in nature. Yet, why 143 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:17,000 are we constantly up each other's asses about communicating with all of these people all of 144 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:23,720 the time? How do we, or I, move forward in a healthy sort of way? However I was doing it before was 145 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:30,040 that just wasn't it. It was not it. I can tell you that much. So what do I return to? Where do I go 146 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:36,600 from here? I'm sitting here puzzled. I really don't know. I'm embarrassed to admit that I feel 147 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:41,800 shame about this in the sense that I'm asking myself, what is wrong with me that I don't want 148 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:47,160 to keep up with people in this way, in the way everyone else does. It's not even shame in that 149 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:53,560 I can't keep up with it. It's a shame that I don't want to. I realize there's nothing wrong with 150 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:58,760 not partaking in things that don't interest you. We do it all the time when we turn down invites 151 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:04,120 to things we just don't want to do, or that we don't enjoy. But for some reason, this is a different 152 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:10,680 aspect of it that isn't thought out or considered much, it seems. I don't know how to exist in this 153 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:17,480 social norm, this realm. This next part is a bit more touchy. I have at times had the sneaking 154 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:23,400 suspicion or feeling that the way in which my neurodiversity affects me causes me to receive 155 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:29,480 cold shoulders, spite, and judgment in return. This probably can apply to every aspect of life, 156 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:35,320 actually, but this is specific to socializing. My fellow neuro spicy friends operate much in 157 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:40,680 the same way as I do, completely empathetic to the fact that I can't respond for days at a time, 158 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:46,040 that I may forget to respond because the notification was erased and I forgot it was a task I intended 159 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:51,640 to do. They do the same to me. There's no hard feelings. We take our time, respond when we can, 160 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:56,520 communicate infrequently, and in ways that would seem strange to others, but it's what works for 161 00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:02,760 us, and we get it. We get that we have 9,000 things going on, and sometimes things are shiny and more 162 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:07,400 interesting at the forefront, and they get our attention. We know that we hold love in our 163 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:12,440 hearts for one another, and that eventually we'll get around to catching up, and it just works. 164 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:17,000 But when coming into contact with those whose brains are more standardly wired, 165 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:22,920 well, it's not such a grateful scenario. For those who do not share this problem, who are able 166 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,800 to keep up, so to speak, with the norms and the expectations of the daily grind, they don't share 167 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:33,240 this same perspective or this understanding. I'm questioning if perhaps when I am myself and how 168 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:38,520 I respond, which includes sometimes taking days, that perhaps the result is that it is thrown back 169 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:44,040 at me in a spiteful way. As if to say, she took this many days to respond, so I'm going to do 170 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:49,640 the same back to her. The reality is, if I'm not responding to something, it's either that I'm super 171 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:55,400 busy, your request is a simple one that is not life or death and can wait, or on the other hand, 172 00:15:55,400 --> 00:16:00,600 it requires a lot of my brain power, my mental capacity, and depth that I do not have to give 173 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:06,440 to you in that time. So it is out of respect for you that I simply wait until I am able to give 174 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:12,840 you the undivided attention that I feel you deserve in the response because I respect you. 175 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:18,200 I see it as if I'm doing you a favor, because otherwise you wouldn't get the full me, the best 176 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:23,560 me, and the response would not be wholehearted and fulfilling in ways I am only able to do when I 177 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:29,240 have the space for that. Maybe I should consider approaching these situations where I leave people's 178 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:34,760 messages unopened by simply acknowledging I have received it and we'll get back to them at my earliest 179 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:40,520 convenience. But that creates another problem, the notification goes away unless they respond in 180 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:46,440 acknowledgement, which then means out of sight, out of mind, this is how my brain works, and I feel 181 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:52,360 like it's utterly unreasonable to start making to-do lists where I document who I have to respond to 182 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:58,680 and when. That's just not a life I want to live. So this is what I find painful. It's a double-edged 183 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:05,240 sword. In one sense, my behavior is for sure perceivable as rude, ignorant, selfish, and not 184 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:10,600 making anyone but myself a priority. It comes off as though I am ignoring people, but to me, 185 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:16,600 when I post on social media and post stories, that is separate from communication. It has to be, 186 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:22,120 otherwise I would drown and just go live in a cabin in the woods. I can't be on the app all day 187 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:27,720 long, neither can you. I need to have aspects that I can control where and when I tap into things as 188 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:33,560 a boundary for myself. On the other hand, the way it's perceived and responded to or not responded 189 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:40,680 to, towards me, it makes me feel like crap. I'm unseen, unappreciated, and per usual misunderstood. 190 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:46,120 My brain functions in ways that are different, factually. I could attempt to explain this to people 191 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:51,960 as reasons for my behavior, but the reality is they're never going to believe me. People can only 192 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:57,720 live within their experience and how they perceive the world. They can acknowledge, sure, that there's 193 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:02,840 differences in life and how it's lived, how behaviors are impacted, and look at it in an 194 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:07,720 objectable, factual way. But that doesn't mean it's understood. That doesn't mean there's 195 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:13,080 accompanied empathy behind it in a way that allows for meaningful connection to live there. 196 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:18,360 Just like how I will never understand how people can just do this, how they can just live like this 197 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:24,520 and manage, like it's no big deal. It's also a situation where I can't outright ask or call it out. 198 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:29,000 Hey, are you doing this out of spite? This is how I feel right now regarding this. 199 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:33,880 First off, they're going to probably be angry at me and feel attacked, and secondly, no one would 200 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:39,640 ever admit it, even if it was true. Not many people have it in them to allow themselves to be open and 201 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:45,720 honest in a vulnerable way. I know in this way I am an anomaly as well. It's also the fact we 202 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:51,320 aren't even close enough friends for me to try to invest time in trying to fix my hurt feelings 203 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:56,360 with someone who doesn't truly matter at the end of the day. It's kind of pointless. It still causes 204 00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:01,080 me to have feelings, which increase the shame I feel in not meeting the standard of ridiculous 205 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:05,320 living. I think that's what I'll refer to it from now on instead of societal norms. 206 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:11,640 I'm also upset because it's yet again a scenario where I am left to feel as though I need to make 207 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:16,920 up for my differences and deficiencies by powering through to keep up with everyone else, 208 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:22,200 where I need to make accommodations for this discomfort and these things to just fit in. 209 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,000 And then I get bitter because I don't understand why no one can take the time to see that perhaps 210 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,640 it's time to finally start accommodating me for once. That I've done this for so long, 211 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,200 doesn't it make sense to try and take turns so that we can all feel as though we matter enough 212 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:41,640 to be included? Even if it means a bit of changing how we do things around here to ensure that, 213 00:19:41,640 --> 00:20:11,480 I think every once in a while, I deserve a pass too guys.