1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,760 This episode was recorded with the intent to reflect the updates of my life along the 2 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,720 journey as of October 17th, 2024. 3 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:15,080 It's been three weeks or so since I left with the trailer. 4 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:20,480 I would say I feel pretty good, not counting the emotional aspect, but in regards to the 5 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:21,480 fatigue. 6 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,680 I have energy. 7 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:23,920 I feel awake. 8 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:27,920 I don't get fully depleted around midday like I used to. 9 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:32,920 I look at the time and realize I haven't even had lunch yet, and it just seems as though 10 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:38,920 time passes by in the blink of an eye, without fatigue reminding me that I need to start counting 11 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:43,960 down the hours before a socially acceptable bedtime arrives. 12 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:51,120 I have been going to bed early because the sun rises early, so I set an alarm for 6am. 13 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:57,160 This allows me to get a workout in or outdoor physical activity that I desire without needing 14 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,440 to do so in the scorching heat midday. 15 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:06,440 I am noticing that I may not be taking as much time for myself as I should, though that 16 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:12,200 sounds weird since I'm here with only myself, and in a way, all the time that I'm spending 17 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,720 is with me. 18 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:18,680 I refer to this in the sense that I am not reading as much as I hoped. 19 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:23,000 I have yet to start painting, to pull the box out from under the bed. 20 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:28,200 I have the urge to get out and do things, try to focus on getting started with this book 21 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,640 for the simple fact that I can then say I have started. 22 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:37,560 Nothing about what I've written so far is organized, but it is progress nonetheless. 23 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:41,400 The pen has finally hit paper, a good thing. 24 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:47,040 I'm realizing and needing to admit that this isn't just a vacation for me, in fact, it 25 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,400 isn't a vacation at all. 26 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:55,840 I'm learning that I'm not really interested in doing vacation things such as sightseeing. 27 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:00,880 The times I've enjoyed most are those I've spent in state parks, where I pull out my 28 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:08,120 cozy camp chair and chill, enjoy the fresh air, read, write, things like that. 29 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,400 Nature is where I feel most refreshed, at peace, at ease. 30 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:19,480 I love being outdoors, biking, hiking, walking, or simply sitting. 31 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,320 When I go for a walk, I am very invested in that moment. 32 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,360 I'm truly enjoying it. 33 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:31,840 I'm even finding that I'm not wearing headphones to listen to music or podcasts as I do so, 34 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,680 something that would have been impossible to comprehend prior. 35 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,280 I'm really enjoying it. 36 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,920 It's free, although this has nothing to do with finances, but this is helping me realize 37 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,800 something in a big picture sense. 38 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:50,360 It's the small things that matter, the moments where I am living in the moment, where I am 39 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,320 doing learning, taking in what's around me. 40 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:59,480 The spider journey I've recently been on has been oddly invigorating, making me feel 41 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:04,440 so happy to be alive, to be experiencing this. 42 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:10,720 As I record this, I am in San Antonio, Texas, where I have extended my stay for the simple 43 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,680 fact that I'm comfortable, I don't want to put the work into leave, I have a really 44 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,560 great setup at a full service site. 45 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:23,360 What I'm trying to say is the best moments haven't been the sightseeing, the touristy 46 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,360 things. 47 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:29,240 I'm finding I'm not looking forward to these traditional things, or even enjoying them, 48 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,680 as much as one seemingly should. 49 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:37,280 Don't get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed my visit to the museum and to the art gallery. 50 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:41,360 They just haven't been what I've reflected on fondly as the highlight of my trip this 51 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,000 far. 52 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,640 In all honesty, I thought San Antonio was going to be different than it has been. 53 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:53,400 Things are not as striking or exciting as places I've been before. 54 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:57,760 The museum was great, for the simple fact it had that spider exhibit. 55 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:02,240 It couldn't have been timed any more appropriately for where I'm currently at. 56 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:06,520 But for the art, the McNay, it was so small. 57 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:13,120 It had some great artwork, and I can't complain that I was able to stand and admire a Monet, 58 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:18,440 a Cezanne, and some Picasso without a lineup or a soul in sight. 59 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:24,160 I recall looking at the map after less than an hour had passed of my arrival and asking 60 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,920 myself did I miss anything? 61 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,840 Because it seemed so small, so short. 62 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,760 It was disappointing. 63 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,880 I suppose I'm comparing to other museums and galleries that I've visited in bigger 64 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:42,920 cities like Toronto, where they span a city block or more and it's an all day event. 65 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,080 I wouldn't say it was a waste of money. 66 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:51,320 I would pay the $22 again, just to spend time with those paintings I mentioned. 67 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:57,880 One thing I do enjoy about this city is that people don't seem to care to arrive early 68 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,560 or at opening times for things. 69 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:05,400 It has taken away anxiety at parking a big truck in a downtown area. 70 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,160 No one has yet arrived. 71 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,760 I have my pick. 72 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,360 There's no wait times to get into exhibits or events. 73 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:18,760 And sure, San Antonio is Texas, and everything is supposed to be bigger in Texas, especially 74 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:23,760 considering the number of large jacked up trucks that I've seen, but it's like the 75 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:29,040 roads weren't designed with the slogan of the state in mind. 76 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:34,400 Not like Canadian prairies, where Saskatoon parking lots fit my truck with lots of room 77 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,400 to spare. 78 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:40,440 It's been really nice to be able to say that I feel refreshed. 79 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:45,360 I feel like now is the time to get things going, to be productive. 80 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:51,200 There's a part of me that remains nervous regarding finances, an ongoing theme I'm sure 81 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,280 throughout my updates. 82 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,280 When I stay put and pay a day right, of course it's cheaper. 83 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,560 Charlotte's a thirsty girl when she hauls. 84 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:06,560 My initial idea was to be able to boondock and camp freely, but I quickly realized I 85 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,760 don't have the capabilities to do that at this time, nor do I have the finances to 86 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,720 invest funds into solar or generator setup. 87 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,960 At the time of recording, temperatures have been in the high thirties, and it would be 88 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,560 unreasonable to live in the trailer without any air conditioning. 89 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:29,280 When it's turned off, the trailer's gotten as hot as 40 degrees. 90 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,480 I like the heat, but that's a bit much. 91 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,400 There is a nervous feeling around the idea of my finances. 92 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,960 I don't know how long it will last. 93 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:44,400 I try not to think about it, to enjoy myself and live in the moment, to get my work done 94 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,120 and worry about it later, when it comes. 95 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:52,440 At this point, I have not made the time to sit and paint and do artsy projects, the ones 96 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,040 I hoped I would. 97 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:59,000 This is where I need to be gentle with myself and remind myself I'm enjoying the moment 98 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,000 I'm in. 99 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,880 I'm trying to focus on the book, the podcast. 100 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,520 Those are my priorities. 101 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:09,960 I'm ahead of the game in some aspects, though the wheels in my head are constantly turning, 102 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:15,600 thinking of what content to add, what I will use to keep creating, to stop and document 103 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,760 when the thoughts arrive so I can review them. 104 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,600 I am thankful for that to date. 105 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,600 I have not experienced a shortage of content. 106 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,320 I imagine this could be a real fear in this endeavor. 107 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:31,880 What else am I going to talk about without the need to recycle subjects over and over? 108 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:37,360 I'm hopeful it will more than likely evolve as I go along, as I learn and grow. 109 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,840 It will develop into what it's meant to, how it should look. 110 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:45,360 So this isn't something I really spend any time worrying on. 111 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,200 Writing has been difficult. 112 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,680 I know how to write. 113 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,040 That's not the issue. 114 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,880 It's the emotions that crop up. 115 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:57,040 I am somebody who feels deeply when I think, talk, or discuss. 116 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:02,400 When I journal, it is especially a space where I am fully invested in my being. 117 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,040 It's been challenging to go through my old journals. 118 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:12,800 It's hard, so hard, hard to read, to re-experience, even my writing so far in the book. 119 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:17,480 It's factually presented, and I am finding interesting ways to describe and write things 120 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:22,760 out, in ways where I allow myself to keep some parts private while alluding to things, 121 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:28,520 cryptically, as I enjoy from time to time, as evidenced by my social media posts. 122 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:33,320 What's hard is that it lives within my body, and I feel it in my body. 123 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:39,840 It's there, present, and I feel it, even if I don't feel it in this present moment. 124 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,960 Does that make sense? 125 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:47,880 I have been taking time to do yoga and meditate, to re-center and deal with the icky feelings 126 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,840 that pop up that crawl all over my skin. 127 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,760 I don't want to feel that way. 128 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:57,200 Then I feel that way, and then I'm worried about how it's going to impact me, so I try 129 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:03,640 to find healthy ways to let it out, to regulate myself throughout this process at regular intervals. 130 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:08,720 In reflecting in current day journal practice, I realize it is what it is. 131 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,560 This is how it's going to be. 132 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,640 It will be a great book, because it's real. 133 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,000 Pure emotion. 134 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,840 What's actually happened to me. 135 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,680 What's happening in the now. 136 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:22,440 It's not something that I've created through imagination. 137 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:28,040 There is backstory, so much depth, and I can pour emotions and feelings into it. 138 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,720 There are things that need to be set free, that are so very real. 139 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:38,120 This is challenging to face my demons, face myself, and things that I just need to do 140 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,120 it. 141 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,120 I need to get through this. 142 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,920 It will help me heal, and that's undoubtedly what's going to happen as a result. 143 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:50,840 I came here to rest, to relax, but what really needed to happen was the time and space for 144 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:57,160 me to go back and face it all, my whole life, to come to terms with it and find acceptance. 145 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,600 It's a part of my story. 146 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,000 It is what it is. 147 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,480 It can just feel so gross and the thick of it. 148 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,560 This work is hard. 149 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:04,760 I get restless. 150 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,560 The feeling of wanting to run. 151 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:11,200 I don't want to run, but it brings things up and it's posing a challenge. 152 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,640 There's nowhere left for me to run though, and I know that. 153 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,560 So physical activity is my method of choice to rid my body of these feelings and these 154 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:20,640 emotions. 155 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:25,880 To find a healthy release that doesn't lead me to self-destructive tendencies, like binge 156 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:31,520 eating, or toxic ways that have been used for so long to deal with things, I'm trying 157 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,760 to learn to do this the right way. 158 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,440 It's anything but comfortable. 159 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,560 It's just the reality of it. 160 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,120 The same as when I first sought therapy. 161 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,120 Many times it was just not great. 162 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,680 It didn't feel good, but I got through it, accepted that there's no hiding it, and eventually 163 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,160 it comes full circle, and I'm better for it. 164 00:10:49,160 --> 00:11:06,200 And it'll be a fucking amazing book, and I cannot wait to share that with all of you.