This episode was recorded with the intent to reflect the updates of my life along the
journey as of October 17th, 2024.
It's been three weeks or so since I left with the trailer.
I would say I feel pretty good, not counting the emotional aspect, but in regards to the
fatigue.
I have energy.
I feel awake.
I don't get fully depleted around midday like I used to.
I look at the time and realize I haven't even had lunch yet, and it just seems as though
time passes by in the blink of an eye, without fatigue reminding me that I need to start counting
down the hours before a socially acceptable bedtime arrives.
I have been going to bed early because the sun rises early, so I set an alarm for 6am.
This allows me to get a workout in or outdoor physical activity that I desire without needing
to do so in the scorching heat midday.
I am noticing that I may not be taking as much time for myself as I should, though that
sounds weird since I'm here with only myself, and in a way, all the time that I'm spending
is with me.
I refer to this in the sense that I am not reading as much as I hoped.
I have yet to start painting, to pull the box out from under the bed.
I have the urge to get out and do things, try to focus on getting started with this book
for the simple fact that I can then say I have started.
Nothing about what I've written so far is organized, but it is progress nonetheless.
The pen has finally hit paper, a good thing.
I'm realizing and needing to admit that this isn't just a vacation for me, in fact, it
isn't a vacation at all.
I'm learning that I'm not really interested in doing vacation things such as sightseeing.
The times I've enjoyed most are those I've spent in state parks, where I pull out my
cozy camp chair and chill, enjoy the fresh air, read, write, things like that.
Nature is where I feel most refreshed, at peace, at ease.
I love being outdoors, biking, hiking, walking, or simply sitting.
When I go for a walk, I am very invested in that moment.
I'm truly enjoying it.
I'm even finding that I'm not wearing headphones to listen to music or podcasts as I do so,
something that would have been impossible to comprehend prior.
I'm really enjoying it.
It's free, although this has nothing to do with finances, but this is helping me realize
something in a big picture sense.
It's the small things that matter, the moments where I am living in the moment, where I am
doing learning, taking in what's around me.
The spider journey I've recently been on has been oddly invigorating, making me feel
so happy to be alive, to be experiencing this.
As I record this, I am in San Antonio, Texas, where I have extended my stay for the simple
fact that I'm comfortable, I don't want to put the work into leave, I have a really
great setup at a full service site.
What I'm trying to say is the best moments haven't been the sightseeing, the touristy
things.
I'm finding I'm not looking forward to these traditional things, or even enjoying them,
as much as one seemingly should.
Don't get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed my visit to the museum and to the art gallery.
They just haven't been what I've reflected on fondly as the highlight of my trip this
far.
In all honesty, I thought San Antonio was going to be different than it has been.
Things are not as striking or exciting as places I've been before.
The museum was great, for the simple fact it had that spider exhibit.
It couldn't have been timed any more appropriately for where I'm currently at.
But for the art, the McNay, it was so small.
It had some great artwork, and I can't complain that I was able to stand and admire a Monet,
a Cezanne, and some Picasso without a lineup or a soul in sight.
I recall looking at the map after less than an hour had passed of my arrival and asking
myself did I miss anything?
Because it seemed so small, so short.
It was disappointing.
I suppose I'm comparing to other museums and galleries that I've visited in bigger
cities like Toronto, where they span a city block or more and it's an all day event.
I wouldn't say it was a waste of money.
I would pay the $22 again, just to spend time with those paintings I mentioned.
One thing I do enjoy about this city is that people don't seem to care to arrive early
or at opening times for things.
It has taken away anxiety at parking a big truck in a downtown area.
No one has yet arrived.
I have my pick.
There's no wait times to get into exhibits or events.
And sure, San Antonio is Texas, and everything is supposed to be bigger in Texas, especially
considering the number of large jacked up trucks that I've seen, but it's like the
roads weren't designed with the slogan of the state in mind.
Not like Canadian prairies, where Saskatoon parking lots fit my truck with lots of room
to spare.
It's been really nice to be able to say that I feel refreshed.
I feel like now is the time to get things going, to be productive.
There's a part of me that remains nervous regarding finances, an ongoing theme I'm sure
throughout my updates.
When I stay put and pay a day right, of course it's cheaper.
Charlotte's a thirsty girl when she hauls.
My initial idea was to be able to boondock and camp freely, but I quickly realized I
don't have the capabilities to do that at this time, nor do I have the finances to
invest funds into solar or generator setup.
At the time of recording, temperatures have been in the high thirties, and it would be
unreasonable to live in the trailer without any air conditioning.
When it's turned off, the trailer's gotten as hot as 40 degrees.
I like the heat, but that's a bit much.
There is a nervous feeling around the idea of my finances.
I don't know how long it will last.
I try not to think about it, to enjoy myself and live in the moment, to get my work done
and worry about it later, when it comes.
At this point, I have not made the time to sit and paint and do artsy projects, the ones
I hoped I would.
This is where I need to be gentle with myself and remind myself I'm enjoying the moment
I'm in.
I'm trying to focus on the book, the podcast.
Those are my priorities.
I'm ahead of the game in some aspects, though the wheels in my head are constantly turning,
thinking of what content to add, what I will use to keep creating, to stop and document
when the thoughts arrive so I can review them.
I am thankful for that to date.
I have not experienced a shortage of content.
I imagine this could be a real fear in this endeavor.
What else am I going to talk about without the need to recycle subjects over and over?
I'm hopeful it will more than likely evolve as I go along, as I learn and grow.
It will develop into what it's meant to, how it should look.
So this isn't something I really spend any time worrying on.
Writing has been difficult.
I know how to write.
That's not the issue.
It's the emotions that crop up.
I am somebody who feels deeply when I think, talk, or discuss.
When I journal, it is especially a space where I am fully invested in my being.
It's been challenging to go through my old journals.
It's hard, so hard, hard to read, to re-experience, even my writing so far in the book.
It's factually presented, and I am finding interesting ways to describe and write things
out, in ways where I allow myself to keep some parts private while alluding to things,
cryptically, as I enjoy from time to time, as evidenced by my social media posts.
What's hard is that it lives within my body, and I feel it in my body.
It's there, present, and I feel it, even if I don't feel it in this present moment.
Does that make sense?
I have been taking time to do yoga and meditate, to re-center and deal with the icky feelings
that pop up that crawl all over my skin.
I don't want to feel that way.
Then I feel that way, and then I'm worried about how it's going to impact me, so I try
to find healthy ways to let it out, to regulate myself throughout this process at regular intervals.
In reflecting in current day journal practice, I realize it is what it is.
This is how it's going to be.
It will be a great book, because it's real.
Pure emotion.
What's actually happened to me.
What's happening in the now.
It's not something that I've created through imagination.
There is backstory, so much depth, and I can pour emotions and feelings into it.
There are things that need to be set free, that are so very real.
This is challenging to face my demons, face myself, and things that I just need to do
it.
I need to get through this.
It will help me heal, and that's undoubtedly what's going to happen as a result.
I came here to rest, to relax, but what really needed to happen was the time and space for
me to go back and face it all, my whole life, to come to terms with it and find acceptance.
It's a part of my story.
It is what it is.
It can just feel so gross and the thick of it.
This work is hard.
I get restless.
The feeling of wanting to run.
I don't want to run, but it brings things up and it's posing a challenge.
There's nowhere left for me to run though, and I know that.
So physical activity is my method of choice to rid my body of these feelings and these
emotions.
To find a healthy release that doesn't lead me to self-destructive tendencies, like binge
eating, or toxic ways that have been used for so long to deal with things, I'm trying
to learn to do this the right way.
It's anything but comfortable.
It's just the reality of it.
The same as when I first sought therapy.
Many times it was just not great.
It didn't feel good, but I got through it, accepted that there's no hiding it, and eventually
it comes full circle, and I'm better for it.
And it'll be a fucking amazing book, and I cannot wait to share that with all of you.