This episode marks the first one that I am doing in real time, about something that has been on my mind and surfaced due to yet again another comment I received from someone I know.
It wasn't this comment in particular, although it added to the others, but it's important that I mention I've had multiple instances of these types of comments within the last month.
I figure that since my goal with this podcast is encouraging vulnerability in our daily lives, not to mention following my entire journey, this would be a great way to showcase a really raw form of vulnerability for me.
I'm providing you with a look inside of my mind, my feelings, and how I experience this topic that leaves me, shall I say, triggered.
I welcome you to join me as I share this part of my human experience with you in its totality.
I feel as though my announcement a month ago, although not surprising to most as I have come to learn, it is an announcement that is quite explosive in nature, drastic.
Of course it is.
I took a leap of faith to follow what calls to me, what feels right to me.
This means absolute adventure, to learn to find a way to live a meaningful life that resonates with me, how I want to live, and to find my way to a simple but fulfilling life.
To carve this path in such a way that doesn't require me to devote years of my life going back to school to restructure for a new career.
What I want isn't something that can be attained or guaranteed by simply going back to school, nor is this something I want to do.
I realize now it is possible to do so many things in this world without having to go back to school.
There exists endless possibilities that lie outside of a formal education system.
I suppose that in wanting to be an author, it's important that some level of schooling occurred, to know how to write properly in your intended language.
That's a must.
Thankfully, I tackled this back in high school, but post-secondary degrees in English or writing, that's not going to guarantee I'm able to write and publish a book.
The podcast?
Well, I suppose you could do media programs.
It might give you an edge, but the actual creation of the podcast and the success, it's not something that depends on or is guaranteed because of formal education.
This indeed marks a huge leap, and most of my friends, colleagues, and followers are undoubtedly aware of my purpose and my goal.
I've shouted it from the rooftops loud enough, posted it all over my social media, and talked about it until I lost my voice.
It's obvious where I'm at and what I'm doing.
I still somehow find myself surprised when someone sends me a message or a comment on a photo and asks,
Where are you? Where are you going? What are you doing all the way over there?
My initial reaction is, What do you mean what am I doing? What do you mean where am I going?
Everyone in their mom knows why I'm here.
Since this isn't very nice, I gently remind myself to be mindful.
Not everybody is constantly on social media.
Maybe my content doesn't show up at the top of their feed, and of even greater importance, the world of others just doesn't revolve around me.
I usually say something like, Oh, I guess you haven't seen my posts yet. Well, here's a brief synopsis of what's happening.
This next scenario happened more often than I'd like to admit, and may cause a more severe reaction.
As it is possible, I have been attempting to run away from or ignore the feelings surrounding some of these things.
Comments or statements seemingly in passing that mention, When I return to work, or Hey, your next contract, you should come here where I am.
You should pick up shifts here. These types of statements alluding to a return back to my previous life.
I am filled with a layering of emotions and feelings in the moments where I begin to try to figure out what is happening within my body.
I would say the level of complexity would render it similar to an onion.
You can peel back the layers that exist, and there are many.
I receive these with confusion.
I then feel the need to protect myself, to defend, then trickles in the shame, the hurt.
It's in these moments where I struggle to determine if these things are being said simply because they are unaware of my intent, my plans, my pursuits, or if it runs deeper than that.
I think that, well, sure, of course they know.
They're commenting on social media content that relates to this whole experience and this journey I'm on.
They're actively commenting on these things. It's not just a random comment on a random unrelated post.
Hmm, I recognize I'm triggered.
It's a lot to unpack as we move forward here in the episode, but it's my reality. It's my lived experience.
It is important for me to be open, honest, and share all of it.
Initially, I want to react and say, dude, I don't want to be a nurse anymore. Have you not been paying attention?
A snarky, sarcastic response, a defensive stance.
The urge exists to shout it louder because they seemingly have decided not to hear what I have said, what I have been saying all this time.
I also have an urge to ask what it is they do not understand about all that I have released in the podcast, what I have written in my posts.
Are you only following the bits and pieces you want to follow?
I have no intent of coming back to nursing.
That need to stand my ground, to over-explain, to over-emphasize.
A bit of shame and fear is present, where I realize that at some point in my life, it may need to happen,
despite how much I would feel I am betraying myself and I never want to, but I can't truly ever say never.
Society still exists even in my attempts to tear away from it and money is a necessity.
I'm independent in providing for myself, as I have always been.
There doesn't exist a space in which I would expect a partner to foot the bill as I continue onward past the exhaustion of my finances.
This is a factor I feel compelled to mention, as I do hold my own worries that judgments or thoughts may linger in people's minds
about how perhaps I would end up being supported in this way, so that I may go gallivant about.
Hopefully this is just a judgment and fear I hold by myself in my mind, but I am mentioning it anyways.
Should something happen, should I run out of money, that door has not been sealed shut.
I can still hear its call, I'm just choosing to not look over my shoulder.
I have openly discussed with my partner how at this point I would rather work at an airport checking luggage than to return at the bedside or any part of that world.
While this is how I feel about it, I don't judge others or fault anyone who wants to stay in the profession, who enjoys it, who is proud to call it their career.
It's just simply not the space for me.
I personally still have bitterness and resentment, fear and hurt towards aspect of it and my story within that career.
I experience another side of conflict in my feelings and thoughts when I consider that if I worked any other career, let's say I was a hairdresser,
and I decided to change jobs because I felt it no longer served me.
The general reception would likely be that of support and encouragement, no matter what the next option selected would be.
Perhaps I would rather become a barista, where friends and family would then ask me,
which coffee shop are you working at so they could come visit while I was working.
What would likely not occur is a weird undercurrent or undertone of creating a pressure to bring me back into that original space to keep me from leaving.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?
Think about your friends who aren't in a career like healthcare.
If they wanted to change, try something new.
Think about how that might look, even in your own response, your own perceptions to it.
There exists a weird pull, a hold, on those in healthcare.
The mentality in that space is what I would refer to as the crab in the bucket,
where the crab that is closest to the top is trying to escape.
It's so close to getting out.
The other crabs, who are simultaneously attempting to escape, try to use that crab as a foothold,
a ladder, to try to pull themselves out.
What happens, though, is that they end up pulling that first crab back in, and they too also fall back into the bucket.
Everyone remains in the bucket. No one wins. No one escapes.
One may argue that this is but my perception, and possibly paranoia, from previous experiences that I have lived through.
I do know, though, that this is factual.
If you know a nurse, think of how many of them have expressed the desire to leave.
Unhappiness in their career as a whole, but they don't leave.
Or perhaps they simply haven't, yet?
Or have not found a way out?
Or they can't.
I get the impression that there is an unspoken expectation that I will grow out of whatever phase it is that I am currently in,
and will then come back to reality.
These comments provide fuel to keep that fire alive.
It makes me feel like I'm not taken seriously with my goals, my dreams, my pursuits.
There is encouragement to pursue my dreams, sure, but backed up with a not really.
An assumption that I am returning to the already established known norm when the real world comes calling.
It brings about shame within my being.
I doubt my abilities. I doubt that I will be able to continue in this direction.
My own fear, negativity, judgments about myself are then brought into the light when I encounter words like these.
They're always in the background, which I think is to be expected with anything in life.
They sound like me not believing in myself, that this is truly ridiculous and outlandish, that I won't make it.
It seems like a one in a million chance.
As though people are seeing these weaknesses and picking at them in a covert way, existing in a different space,
where I am not parallel to those in the expected norm.
Of course I feel shame. Of course I've wondered, why can't I just be like everybody else?
It would be so much easier. For some reason, I can't.
I don't have any control over that. It's how I was built.
Shame on me.
I do not believe, and I choose to not believe, that these people wake up in the morning deciding to make me feel this way intentionally,
and that they truly think this way.
At least, not out loud. They don't sit there maliciously wishing I fail.
The shame comes from me doing this wild and crazy thing that may or may not work out, though I hope it does.
I am left with a gnawing feeling that these people are somehow, in some way,
banking on it not working out in the verbiage they select to express themselves.
Of course I overanalyze. Of course I overthink.
This is where I feel conflicted in releasing this.
I am sharing my judgments, my petty reactions, and responses that I imagine we probably hell have within us.
We keep hidden by pretending we don't feel or speak these things into our minds out of shame.
I am, however, committed to my truth, so I am sharing. Portrayal of the truth of my human experience.
The people who write these words, they are in the profession themselves.
They have been alongside me at some point or another.
Whether they themselves have expressed a disinterest or dislike is irrelevant.
I feel as though I need to give a bit of background for context on how my mind works and processes these things,
and then subsequently decides to defend them. Reasons for my reactions, if you will.
Unfortunately, due to the many experiences I've had in my life with regards to severe bullying,
I had no choice but to find a way to cope, a strategy that could help get me through the tough times,
a way to fortify myself, strengthen my resolve, to find a way to make peace with what was happening to me at the time.
I am very much a factual person who does best when I can understand the why behind things.
A really interesting feature present for someone who is so intuitive and emotionally driven.
It likely wasn't the healthiest of mindsets or methods that was developed, but I am unable to blame myself.
When you do the best you can with what you have and what you know,
considering you are sometimes in spaces where you had to learn to fend for yourself and by yourself,
you simply use the tools that were available, that were within reach,
even if it looks silly on the outside looking in to grab a screwdriver when you very clearly need a crowbar.
Either way you look at it, I survived, I overcame, and I'm here today because of that.
As a young child, the easiest way to explain it all away was to say,
they're just jealous of me. It very likely was not the truth,
could be related to their own experience in coping in the world involving placing their herd onto me,
or simply, I just won't ever know, that for some reason I was the closest available person to pick on,
the weakest person they could find, someone who had no friends, no one around to help defend them.
I was just an easy target, simple as that.
My defense mechanism carried me through hard times.
My parents also contributed to the mindset I used.
I would imagine it's hard for a parent to look at their child, their small child,
and find a logical reason as to why kids can be so cruel to a little kid.
We couldn't understand what would cause a small child to be targeted with such vigor.
It must be jealousy.
Our habits from childhood often follow us into adulthood,
so this brings me back to the comment I have been discussing here.
Perhaps in this case, there may be some truth with an aspect of jealousy.
I don't know.
This is not for me to explore or to try to discover.
I'm not in their shoes.
These comments, when they arrive at my ears, or my eyes, I suppose, is the way here.
They are worded in a seemingly innocent, innocuous way.
I cannot help but think that the reason they were put into existence is out of a place of fear from their perspective.
A fear, a worry, a jealousy, or envy.
It feels like if I make it out alive, where I don't need to return to nursing, where I am successful,
the podcast becomes financially sustaining, I write my memoir and subsequent books,
funding my life in this way, where I find happiness, fulfillment, balance, in the truest sense of the word.
I feel like that will be a very painful experience for those people who are expressing these thoughts in these comments.
It will be painful as I am examining it from a place of worry, hurt, sickness, and, oh my God,
what if she gets out and I stay stuck where I am, that it might come from a place of wanting me to return to the real world as they know it,
to be alongside them in their silent suffering, to be able to continue relating in the way we always have,
a team on the battlefield fighting the war together.
If I make it out alive, so to speak, we will no longer hold that common ground.
We will no longer relate in the present tense.
It possibly means they've failed, not failed in a sense of wishing me ill, but in a deeper sort of escape for themselves,
to escape their situation, their struggles within their mental health.
The feeling that we are trapped, we can't leave.
The reality exists where nurses are burned out at the bedside and do try to leave,
but it's more often than not in the same realm that they remain.
They explore teaching options, master's programs, nurse practitioner licensure, aesthetics,
it's still not escaping nursing.
It feels impossible to break free from, to get out of.
If I make it out, it will seem like an anomaly, an impossibility, a miracle, a stroke of luck.
It will maybe destroy these people's resolve.
The realization of, oh shit, you mean it is possible?
I'm just not brave enough or ready to do this thing.
I haven't been strong enough to make this commitment to myself,
or the ability to acknowledge that they are choosing to keep themselves stuck where they are at, to keep themselves in that unhappy place.
It's easier to join the masses and blame the structure, the culture of the system, as to why they stay,
why they're unable to make the leap and truly go after what their heart calls out to them.
If Marcel succeeds, it means she got out, and I did not.
Perhaps this is me comforting myself, using old coping mechanisms to help me navigate
the negative feelings arising within me through this.
That any inflection it's imposed onto myself are being pushed back where I find them saying,
you know what, this is yours, this is your problem, this is your baggage, not mine.
If you're unhappy that I'm doing this, that I'll succeed at building a happier life for myself
where I thrive and share my gifts and talents with the world,
where I can make a change that allows me to live a reasonable life,
you need to figure it out for yourself, just stop deflecting, I'm not interested in being a part of this.
These people, they don't hold the highest value in my life.
Yeah, we might be friends, but they could and easily would be removed should the negativity persists,
should I feel dragged down, and if I were to continue feeling as though their presence
brought about doubt within myself, rather than support and love.
I have wondered to myself if all of this will result in the loss of some friendships
when I am no longer a part of the grind, the hustle, when I reach a point where I can say, I got out.
If I do, well, I am here on this earth first and foremost for myself, to be my friend, to advocate for me,
to surround myself with people who support me, who actively behave in ways that indicate they wish to be a part of my life,
where I allow them space because of the great friendship we have cultivated.
I'm at peace if others decide they no longer relate to me, that they need to move on,
and simply hold me in our cherished memories as just that, no more than a thought at a point in time.
In the long run, this is expected with the majority of relationships we come across in our lives.
Sure, it's sad. We need to live our lives as we see the best fit for us.
People come and go. That's just part of life.
These comments bring up a feeling that I need to defend myself.
It makes me feel icky, like I need to yell in protest.
I am leaving nursing. That's final. Why are you still convinced I'm staying or that I'll return?
What a gross feeling. This is where the hurt starts to set in.
These comments, they take away the validation of my experience.
The fact is, I have screamed out loud to the world, to this podcast, to my friends, my colleagues,
that I needed help, that I was trapped and miserable, that I couldn't go on like that anymore.
I was suffering greatly, not functioning, and just couldn't go on.
The situation, this context, my mental health, it was struggling, crumbling, suffering.
And don't we agree that I, just as well as anybody else, is worthy of living a life that is peaceful,
satisfactory, and deemed a good life?
I have said this out loud multiple times, probably in every single episode.
I'm helping myself by changing the narrative, by trying to build a world where I am productive, functional,
where I can live and love my life, the one that we all deserve and that we should all strive for.
So for me to say I need to get out for my mental health, for self-preservation,
and that I do not feel safe there, to have stated these things,
and then to receive comments that indicate a want, a need for me to return to where I came from.
In a sort of, we will be here when you get back, way?
It's like, wait, what? Are you for real?
Let me rephrase this in the most simplest of ways, what it is you are conveying to me.
To ensure it's heard loud and clear, so there's no misunderstandings.
You are telling me you are aware my mental health was struggling, was suffering,
that I didn't do well in that space.
You acknowledge this, then you proceed to tell me that you expect me to put myself back in that same place I was in before,
when I was in distress.
How is this any different than leaving a physically or mentally abusive relationship,
taking a break, and then being covertly invited to return back into that same space?
I feel invalidated. I feel unseen, unheard.
I'm not taken seriously, as though I am but a toddler throwing a tantrum,
and that once I get over it, it'll be business as usual.
That takes from me. It takes from my dignity. It leaves me feeling disrespected.
I feel really gross to acknowledge there are people in my life that say we are friends,
that say they support me, and then they send me this message, unloved, unworthy.
If you see a loved one struggling, unhappy, unable to keep up with their lives,
never mind not finding any enjoyment, are you going to tell them to take a break
and come right back to that same place once they're better?
Go back and do the thing you did before, even though what you were doing before
is what led you there to begin with.
That's hurtful. That's insulting.
Who says it has to be this way?
I can tell you who. Absolutely no one.
There's inflections and undertones, and we create the assumption in our minds
that it has to be this way. But no one's standing there telling you this is how it has to be.
I don't have to stay where I don't belong, where I don't want to be, where I don't feel safe.
Neither should anyone else for that matter.
That is what it is. That's what I'm feeling right now.
It's very fucked up to me.
I'm not going to ask these people, hey, what did you mean by this comment exactly?
Are you really unaware that my intent was to leave for good?
I don't need to discuss this at all. I don't need to justify, to provide data
because I personally am comfortable with my decision.
I'm at peace with it. You guys all know the reasons if you've listened.
That is more than enough for me.
While I'm not looking to confront these people, I don't want to argue, I don't want to defend.
I just wanted to share my feelings on this, what came up, and what my thought process was.
It's a really weird dynamic.
I know I'm not the only one who has conflicting thoughts and wonders about others, their perceptions, their intents.
Whether it's similar to this or something completely different, it's a part of society that leaves me feeling gross.
Why are we doing this? Why are we participating in this culture?
Why is this even a thing? This is what I'm doing. I'm doing it now. Let me do it. Support me.
Should I fail? Support me in that too. Be supportive.
Can't we all just love each other and root for everyone to get to a better place?
Doesn't that leave us feeling so much better than living in our jealousy, in our hurt?
That's all I need, at any given time. This is what anyone needs.
Stop making me feel like I need to go back. Stop trying to bring me back.
And breaking it down to the simplest level.
I find that I do not like this approach should the reason be expressing worry and concern.
I do not like indirectness. It is sketchy.
There is fear in approaching subjects that cause an intense feeling of defensiveness. Sure.
I get that, but I'm more apt to get angry as I did here, with little comments that are possibly indicating concern,
but could be indicating a mirad of other ill-intended things.
Not to mention manipulating words in such a way that it can be denied and I can be gaslit in my experience.
If you are concerned for me, I welcome you to bring these concerns up.
Express it openly. It could sound like, hey, I'm letting you know that this is how I feel about this.
I'm worried about you. At this point, I will gently remind you that this is in fact what I am doing,
and you can choose to support me if you'd like. You're more than welcome to your thoughts and feelings.
I can understand and see why you would feel this way.
There are very valid concerns, but this is not a place in time where this is up for debate.
I'm pursuing this. It's the best choice for me.
Life will not end if I do not do well at this.
Life goes on, as it always does, no matter what decisions you make.
There are plenty of opportunities in this world at any given time. There's no shorted.
There's people who start over in their 40s, 50s, 60s, starting from ground zero. They survive.
Hell, sometimes they even thrive. There's people who lose everything and start over.
They don't die. The world doesn't end for them or anyone else.
It might feel like it temporarily, but it's not reality. It's not the facts.
So if I end up in a worst case scenario and lose absolutely everything, I will still be alive.
I will not be dead. It would suck. It would cause me a lot of problems, but that's my life to sort out.
They're not your consequences to deal with.
In summary, I feel gross. Icky. It helps to get it out, to talk it through,
and be open about the multiple facets that are experienced internally,
even if I find them embarrassing to admit, or make me seem petty, or that I'm just taking them the wrong way.
It's my reality. The thoughts we are conflicted with internally when confronted with things, words, comments, interactions,
anything that makes us simply feel.
If this is the extent of the backlash I receive for choosing to go down this path, then this really isn't too bad.
It just brings up feelings about this journey that I still need to work through to figure out what they mean to me and why.
In analyzing this and trying to better understand, I can find acceptance, move forward, and try to keep healing.