1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:14,000 This episode marks the first one that I am doing in real time, about something that has been on my mind and surfaced due to yet again another comment I received from someone I know. 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:25,000 It wasn't this comment in particular, although it added to the others, but it's important that I mention I've had multiple instances of these types of comments within the last month. 3 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:38,000 I figure that since my goal with this podcast is encouraging vulnerability in our daily lives, not to mention following my entire journey, this would be a great way to showcase a really raw form of vulnerability for me. 4 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:47,000 I'm providing you with a look inside of my mind, my feelings, and how I experience this topic that leaves me, shall I say, triggered. 5 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:53,000 I welcome you to join me as I share this part of my human experience with you in its totality. 6 00:00:53,000 --> 00:01:04,000 I feel as though my announcement a month ago, although not surprising to most as I have come to learn, it is an announcement that is quite explosive in nature, drastic. 7 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,000 Of course it is. 8 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:09,000 I took a leap of faith to follow what calls to me, what feels right to me. 9 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:20,000 This means absolute adventure, to learn to find a way to live a meaningful life that resonates with me, how I want to live, and to find my way to a simple but fulfilling life. 10 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:28,000 To carve this path in such a way that doesn't require me to devote years of my life going back to school to restructure for a new career. 11 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:35,000 What I want isn't something that can be attained or guaranteed by simply going back to school, nor is this something I want to do. 12 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:41,000 I realize now it is possible to do so many things in this world without having to go back to school. 13 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,000 There exists endless possibilities that lie outside of a formal education system. 14 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:54,000 I suppose that in wanting to be an author, it's important that some level of schooling occurred, to know how to write properly in your intended language. 15 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,000 That's a must. 16 00:01:55,000 --> 00:02:04,000 Thankfully, I tackled this back in high school, but post-secondary degrees in English or writing, that's not going to guarantee I'm able to write and publish a book. 17 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,000 The podcast? 18 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,000 Well, I suppose you could do media programs. 19 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:15,000 It might give you an edge, but the actual creation of the podcast and the success, it's not something that depends on or is guaranteed because of formal education. 20 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:24,000 This indeed marks a huge leap, and most of my friends, colleagues, and followers are undoubtedly aware of my purpose and my goal. 21 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:31,000 I've shouted it from the rooftops loud enough, posted it all over my social media, and talked about it until I lost my voice. 22 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000 It's obvious where I'm at and what I'm doing. 23 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:41,000 I still somehow find myself surprised when someone sends me a message or a comment on a photo and asks, 24 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,000 Where are you? Where are you going? What are you doing all the way over there? 25 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:50,000 My initial reaction is, What do you mean what am I doing? What do you mean where am I going? 26 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,000 Everyone in their mom knows why I'm here. 27 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,000 Since this isn't very nice, I gently remind myself to be mindful. 28 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,000 Not everybody is constantly on social media. 29 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:06,000 Maybe my content doesn't show up at the top of their feed, and of even greater importance, the world of others just doesn't revolve around me. 30 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:13,000 I usually say something like, Oh, I guess you haven't seen my posts yet. Well, here's a brief synopsis of what's happening. 31 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:20,000 This next scenario happened more often than I'd like to admit, and may cause a more severe reaction. 32 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:26,000 As it is possible, I have been attempting to run away from or ignore the feelings surrounding some of these things. 33 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:35,000 Comments or statements seemingly in passing that mention, When I return to work, or Hey, your next contract, you should come here where I am. 34 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:41,000 You should pick up shifts here. These types of statements alluding to a return back to my previous life. 35 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:50,000 I am filled with a layering of emotions and feelings in the moments where I begin to try to figure out what is happening within my body. 36 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:54,000 I would say the level of complexity would render it similar to an onion. 37 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:58,000 You can peel back the layers that exist, and there are many. 38 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,000 I receive these with confusion. 39 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:06,000 I then feel the need to protect myself, to defend, then trickles in the shame, the hurt. 40 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:17,000 It's in these moments where I struggle to determine if these things are being said simply because they are unaware of my intent, my plans, my pursuits, or if it runs deeper than that. 41 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,000 I think that, well, sure, of course they know. 42 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:26,000 They're commenting on social media content that relates to this whole experience and this journey I'm on. 43 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:31,000 They're actively commenting on these things. It's not just a random comment on a random unrelated post. 44 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,000 Hmm, I recognize I'm triggered. 45 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:40,000 It's a lot to unpack as we move forward here in the episode, but it's my reality. It's my lived experience. 46 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:44,000 It is important for me to be open, honest, and share all of it. 47 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:49,000 Initially, I want to react and say, dude, I don't want to be a nurse anymore. Have you not been paying attention? 48 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,000 A snarky, sarcastic response, a defensive stance. 49 00:04:53,000 --> 00:05:01,000 The urge exists to shout it louder because they seemingly have decided not to hear what I have said, what I have been saying all this time. 50 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:09,000 I also have an urge to ask what it is they do not understand about all that I have released in the podcast, what I have written in my posts. 51 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Are you only following the bits and pieces you want to follow? 52 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,000 I have no intent of coming back to nursing. 53 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:19,000 That need to stand my ground, to over-explain, to over-emphasize. 54 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:25,000 A bit of shame and fear is present, where I realize that at some point in my life, it may need to happen, 55 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:31,000 despite how much I would feel I am betraying myself and I never want to, but I can't truly ever say never. 56 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:37,000 Society still exists even in my attempts to tear away from it and money is a necessity. 57 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,000 I'm independent in providing for myself, as I have always been. 58 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:48,000 There doesn't exist a space in which I would expect a partner to foot the bill as I continue onward past the exhaustion of my finances. 59 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:56,000 This is a factor I feel compelled to mention, as I do hold my own worries that judgments or thoughts may linger in people's minds 60 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:01,000 about how perhaps I would end up being supported in this way, so that I may go gallivant about. 61 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:08,000 Hopefully this is just a judgment and fear I hold by myself in my mind, but I am mentioning it anyways. 62 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:12,000 Should something happen, should I run out of money, that door has not been sealed shut. 63 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,000 I can still hear its call, I'm just choosing to not look over my shoulder. 64 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:26,000 I have openly discussed with my partner how at this point I would rather work at an airport checking luggage than to return at the bedside or any part of that world. 65 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:34,000 While this is how I feel about it, I don't judge others or fault anyone who wants to stay in the profession, who enjoys it, who is proud to call it their career. 66 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,000 It's just simply not the space for me. 67 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:43,000 I personally still have bitterness and resentment, fear and hurt towards aspect of it and my story within that career. 68 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:51,000 I experience another side of conflict in my feelings and thoughts when I consider that if I worked any other career, let's say I was a hairdresser, 69 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:55,000 and I decided to change jobs because I felt it no longer served me. 70 00:06:55,000 --> 00:07:01,000 The general reception would likely be that of support and encouragement, no matter what the next option selected would be. 71 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,000 Perhaps I would rather become a barista, where friends and family would then ask me, 72 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:09,000 which coffee shop are you working at so they could come visit while I was working. 73 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:18,000 What would likely not occur is a weird undercurrent or undertone of creating a pressure to bring me back into that original space to keep me from leaving. 74 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,000 Do you understand what I'm trying to say here? 75 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,000 Think about your friends who aren't in a career like healthcare. 76 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,000 If they wanted to change, try something new. 77 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:30,000 Think about how that might look, even in your own response, your own perceptions to it. 78 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,000 There exists a weird pull, a hold, on those in healthcare. 79 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:39,000 The mentality in that space is what I would refer to as the crab in the bucket, 80 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,000 where the crab that is closest to the top is trying to escape. 81 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,000 It's so close to getting out. 82 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:51,000 The other crabs, who are simultaneously attempting to escape, try to use that crab as a foothold, 83 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,000 a ladder, to try to pull themselves out. 84 00:07:54,000 --> 00:08:00,000 What happens, though, is that they end up pulling that first crab back in, and they too also fall back into the bucket. 85 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:04,000 Everyone remains in the bucket. No one wins. No one escapes. 86 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:11,000 One may argue that this is but my perception, and possibly paranoia, from previous experiences that I have lived through. 87 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,000 I do know, though, that this is factual. 88 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:19,000 If you know a nurse, think of how many of them have expressed the desire to leave. 89 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,000 Unhappiness in their career as a whole, but they don't leave. 90 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,000 Or perhaps they simply haven't, yet? 91 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000 Or have not found a way out? 92 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,000 Or they can't. 93 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:37,000 I get the impression that there is an unspoken expectation that I will grow out of whatever phase it is that I am currently in, 94 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,000 and will then come back to reality. 95 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,000 These comments provide fuel to keep that fire alive. 96 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:48,000 It makes me feel like I'm not taken seriously with my goals, my dreams, my pursuits. 97 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:53,000 There is encouragement to pursue my dreams, sure, but backed up with a not really. 98 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:59,000 An assumption that I am returning to the already established known norm when the real world comes calling. 99 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,000 It brings about shame within my being. 100 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:06,000 I doubt my abilities. I doubt that I will be able to continue in this direction. 101 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:13,000 My own fear, negativity, judgments about myself are then brought into the light when I encounter words like these. 102 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:18,000 They're always in the background, which I think is to be expected with anything in life. 103 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:24,000 They sound like me not believing in myself, that this is truly ridiculous and outlandish, that I won't make it. 104 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,000 It seems like a one in a million chance. 105 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:32,000 As though people are seeing these weaknesses and picking at them in a covert way, existing in a different space, 106 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,000 where I am not parallel to those in the expected norm. 107 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,000 Of course I feel shame. Of course I've wondered, why can't I just be like everybody else? 108 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:43,000 It would be so much easier. For some reason, I can't. 109 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,000 I don't have any control over that. It's how I was built. 110 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,000 Shame on me. 111 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:55,000 I do not believe, and I choose to not believe, that these people wake up in the morning deciding to make me feel this way intentionally, 112 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,000 and that they truly think this way. 113 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:02,000 At least, not out loud. They don't sit there maliciously wishing I fail. 114 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:08,000 The shame comes from me doing this wild and crazy thing that may or may not work out, though I hope it does. 115 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,000 I am left with a gnawing feeling that these people are somehow, in some way, 116 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:17,000 banking on it not working out in the verbiage they select to express themselves. 117 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,000 Of course I overanalyze. Of course I overthink. 118 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,000 This is where I feel conflicted in releasing this. 119 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:30,000 I am sharing my judgments, my petty reactions, and responses that I imagine we probably hell have within us. 120 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:35,000 We keep hidden by pretending we don't feel or speak these things into our minds out of shame. 121 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:42,000 I am, however, committed to my truth, so I am sharing. Portrayal of the truth of my human experience. 122 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:46,000 The people who write these words, they are in the profession themselves. 123 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,000 They have been alongside me at some point or another. 124 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:54,000 Whether they themselves have expressed a disinterest or dislike is irrelevant. 125 00:10:54,000 --> 00:11:00,000 I feel as though I need to give a bit of background for context on how my mind works and processes these things, 126 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:05,000 and then subsequently decides to defend them. Reasons for my reactions, if you will. 127 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:12,000 Unfortunately, due to the many experiences I've had in my life with regards to severe bullying, 128 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:17,000 I had no choice but to find a way to cope, a strategy that could help get me through the tough times, 129 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:24,000 a way to fortify myself, strengthen my resolve, to find a way to make peace with what was happening to me at the time. 130 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:30,000 I am very much a factual person who does best when I can understand the why behind things. 131 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,000 A really interesting feature present for someone who is so intuitive and emotionally driven. 132 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:42,000 It likely wasn't the healthiest of mindsets or methods that was developed, but I am unable to blame myself. 133 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000 When you do the best you can with what you have and what you know, 134 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:51,000 considering you are sometimes in spaces where you had to learn to fend for yourself and by yourself, 135 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:55,000 you simply use the tools that were available, that were within reach, 136 00:11:55,000 --> 00:12:01,000 even if it looks silly on the outside looking in to grab a screwdriver when you very clearly need a crowbar. 137 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:05,000 Either way you look at it, I survived, I overcame, and I'm here today because of that. 138 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:10,000 As a young child, the easiest way to explain it all away was to say, 139 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,000 they're just jealous of me. It very likely was not the truth, 140 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:18,000 could be related to their own experience in coping in the world involving placing their herd onto me, 141 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:24,000 or simply, I just won't ever know, that for some reason I was the closest available person to pick on, 142 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:29,000 the weakest person they could find, someone who had no friends, no one around to help defend them. 143 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,000 I was just an easy target, simple as that. 144 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,000 My defense mechanism carried me through hard times. 145 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,000 My parents also contributed to the mindset I used. 146 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:45,000 I would imagine it's hard for a parent to look at their child, their small child, 147 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:49,000 and find a logical reason as to why kids can be so cruel to a little kid. 148 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:54,000 We couldn't understand what would cause a small child to be targeted with such vigor. 149 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,000 It must be jealousy. 150 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,000 Our habits from childhood often follow us into adulthood, 151 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,000 so this brings me back to the comment I have been discussing here. 152 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:06,000 Perhaps in this case, there may be some truth with an aspect of jealousy. 153 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,000 I don't know. 154 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,000 This is not for me to explore or to try to discover. 155 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,000 I'm not in their shoes. 156 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:17,000 These comments, when they arrive at my ears, or my eyes, I suppose, is the way here. 157 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,000 They are worded in a seemingly innocent, innocuous way. 158 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:28,000 I cannot help but think that the reason they were put into existence is out of a place of fear from their perspective. 159 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,000 A fear, a worry, a jealousy, or envy. 160 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:38,000 It feels like if I make it out alive, where I don't need to return to nursing, where I am successful, 161 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:43,000 the podcast becomes financially sustaining, I write my memoir and subsequent books, 162 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:50,000 funding my life in this way, where I find happiness, fulfillment, balance, in the truest sense of the word. 163 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:56,000 I feel like that will be a very painful experience for those people who are expressing these thoughts in these comments. 164 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:03,000 It will be painful as I am examining it from a place of worry, hurt, sickness, and, oh my God, 165 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:10,000 what if she gets out and I stay stuck where I am, that it might come from a place of wanting me to return to the real world as they know it, 166 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:16,000 to be alongside them in their silent suffering, to be able to continue relating in the way we always have, 167 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,000 a team on the battlefield fighting the war together. 168 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:24,000 If I make it out alive, so to speak, we will no longer hold that common ground. 169 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000 We will no longer relate in the present tense. 170 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:33,000 It possibly means they've failed, not failed in a sense of wishing me ill, but in a deeper sort of escape for themselves, 171 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,000 to escape their situation, their struggles within their mental health. 172 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,000 The feeling that we are trapped, we can't leave. 173 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,000 The reality exists where nurses are burned out at the bedside and do try to leave, 174 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:50,000 but it's more often than not in the same realm that they remain. 175 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:55,000 They explore teaching options, master's programs, nurse practitioner licensure, aesthetics, 176 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,000 it's still not escaping nursing. 177 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,000 It feels impossible to break free from, to get out of. 178 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:07,000 If I make it out, it will seem like an anomaly, an impossibility, a miracle, a stroke of luck. 179 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,000 It will maybe destroy these people's resolve. 180 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,000 The realization of, oh shit, you mean it is possible? 181 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,000 I'm just not brave enough or ready to do this thing. 182 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,000 I haven't been strong enough to make this commitment to myself, 183 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:27,000 or the ability to acknowledge that they are choosing to keep themselves stuck where they are at, to keep themselves in that unhappy place. 184 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:33,000 It's easier to join the masses and blame the structure, the culture of the system, as to why they stay, 185 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:38,000 why they're unable to make the leap and truly go after what their heart calls out to them. 186 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,000 If Marcel succeeds, it means she got out, and I did not. 187 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:47,000 Perhaps this is me comforting myself, using old coping mechanisms to help me navigate 188 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,000 the negative feelings arising within me through this. 189 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:56,000 That any inflection it's imposed onto myself are being pushed back where I find them saying, 190 00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000 you know what, this is yours, this is your problem, this is your baggage, not mine. 191 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:04,000 If you're unhappy that I'm doing this, that I'll succeed at building a happier life for myself 192 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,000 where I thrive and share my gifts and talents with the world, 193 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,000 where I can make a change that allows me to live a reasonable life, 194 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:16,000 you need to figure it out for yourself, just stop deflecting, I'm not interested in being a part of this. 195 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:20,000 These people, they don't hold the highest value in my life. 196 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:25,000 Yeah, we might be friends, but they could and easily would be removed should the negativity persists, 197 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:30,000 should I feel dragged down, and if I were to continue feeling as though their presence 198 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,000 brought about doubt within myself, rather than support and love. 199 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:39,000 I have wondered to myself if all of this will result in the loss of some friendships 200 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:45,000 when I am no longer a part of the grind, the hustle, when I reach a point where I can say, I got out. 201 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:53,000 If I do, well, I am here on this earth first and foremost for myself, to be my friend, to advocate for me, 202 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:59,000 to surround myself with people who support me, who actively behave in ways that indicate they wish to be a part of my life, 203 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,000 where I allow them space because of the great friendship we have cultivated. 204 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:08,000 I'm at peace if others decide they no longer relate to me, that they need to move on, 205 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:14,000 and simply hold me in our cherished memories as just that, no more than a thought at a point in time. 206 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:19,000 In the long run, this is expected with the majority of relationships we come across in our lives. 207 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,000 Sure, it's sad. We need to live our lives as we see the best fit for us. 208 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,000 People come and go. That's just part of life. 209 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:31,000 These comments bring up a feeling that I need to defend myself. 210 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,000 It makes me feel icky, like I need to yell in protest. 211 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:39,000 I am leaving nursing. That's final. Why are you still convinced I'm staying or that I'll return? 212 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:43,000 What a gross feeling. This is where the hurt starts to set in. 213 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000 These comments, they take away the validation of my experience. 214 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:54,000 The fact is, I have screamed out loud to the world, to this podcast, to my friends, my colleagues, 215 00:17:54,000 --> 00:18:00,000 that I needed help, that I was trapped and miserable, that I couldn't go on like that anymore. 216 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:04,000 I was suffering greatly, not functioning, and just couldn't go on. 217 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:10,000 The situation, this context, my mental health, it was struggling, crumbling, suffering. 218 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:15,000 And don't we agree that I, just as well as anybody else, is worthy of living a life that is peaceful, 219 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,000 satisfactory, and deemed a good life? 220 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,000 I have said this out loud multiple times, probably in every single episode. 221 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:28,000 I'm helping myself by changing the narrative, by trying to build a world where I am productive, functional, 222 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,000 where I can live and love my life, the one that we all deserve and that we should all strive for. 223 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:38,000 So for me to say I need to get out for my mental health, for self-preservation, 224 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,000 and that I do not feel safe there, to have stated these things, 225 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:48,000 and then to receive comments that indicate a want, a need for me to return to where I came from. 226 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,000 In a sort of, we will be here when you get back, way? 227 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,000 It's like, wait, what? Are you for real? 228 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:59,000 Let me rephrase this in the most simplest of ways, what it is you are conveying to me. 229 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,000 To ensure it's heard loud and clear, so there's no misunderstandings. 230 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:08,000 You are telling me you are aware my mental health was struggling, was suffering, 231 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000 that I didn't do well in that space. 232 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:18,000 You acknowledge this, then you proceed to tell me that you expect me to put myself back in that same place I was in before, 233 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,000 when I was in distress. 234 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:25,000 How is this any different than leaving a physically or mentally abusive relationship, 235 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:32,000 taking a break, and then being covertly invited to return back into that same space? 236 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:37,000 I feel invalidated. I feel unseen, unheard. 237 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:42,000 I'm not taken seriously, as though I am but a toddler throwing a tantrum, 238 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,000 and that once I get over it, it'll be business as usual. 239 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:51,000 That takes from me. It takes from my dignity. It leaves me feeling disrespected. 240 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:56,000 I feel really gross to acknowledge there are people in my life that say we are friends, 241 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:02,000 that say they support me, and then they send me this message, unloved, unworthy. 242 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:07,000 If you see a loved one struggling, unhappy, unable to keep up with their lives, 243 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,000 never mind not finding any enjoyment, are you going to tell them to take a break 244 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,000 and come right back to that same place once they're better? 245 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,000 Go back and do the thing you did before, even though what you were doing before 246 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000 is what led you there to begin with. 247 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,000 That's hurtful. That's insulting. 248 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000 Who says it has to be this way? 249 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000 I can tell you who. Absolutely no one. 250 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000 There's inflections and undertones, and we create the assumption in our minds 251 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:36,000 that it has to be this way. But no one's standing there telling you this is how it has to be. 252 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:41,000 I don't have to stay where I don't belong, where I don't want to be, where I don't feel safe. 253 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,000 Neither should anyone else for that matter. 254 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,000 That is what it is. That's what I'm feeling right now. 255 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000 It's very fucked up to me. 256 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,000 I'm not going to ask these people, hey, what did you mean by this comment exactly? 257 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,000 Are you really unaware that my intent was to leave for good? 258 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,000 I don't need to discuss this at all. I don't need to justify, to provide data 259 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,000 because I personally am comfortable with my decision. 260 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000 I'm at peace with it. You guys all know the reasons if you've listened. 261 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,000 That is more than enough for me. 262 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:16,000 While I'm not looking to confront these people, I don't want to argue, I don't want to defend. 263 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:21,000 I just wanted to share my feelings on this, what came up, and what my thought process was. 264 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,000 It's a really weird dynamic. 265 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:30,000 I know I'm not the only one who has conflicting thoughts and wonders about others, their perceptions, their intents. 266 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:36,000 Whether it's similar to this or something completely different, it's a part of society that leaves me feeling gross. 267 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,000 Why are we doing this? Why are we participating in this culture? 268 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:45,000 Why is this even a thing? This is what I'm doing. I'm doing it now. Let me do it. Support me. 269 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,000 Should I fail? Support me in that too. Be supportive. 270 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,000 Can't we all just love each other and root for everyone to get to a better place? 271 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,000 Doesn't that leave us feeling so much better than living in our jealousy, in our hurt? 272 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:01,000 That's all I need, at any given time. This is what anyone needs. 273 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,000 Stop making me feel like I need to go back. Stop trying to bring me back. 274 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,000 And breaking it down to the simplest level. 275 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:14,000 I find that I do not like this approach should the reason be expressing worry and concern. 276 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,000 I do not like indirectness. It is sketchy. 277 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:23,000 There is fear in approaching subjects that cause an intense feeling of defensiveness. Sure. 278 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:30,000 I get that, but I'm more apt to get angry as I did here, with little comments that are possibly indicating concern, 279 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:35,000 but could be indicating a mirad of other ill-intended things. 280 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:41,000 Not to mention manipulating words in such a way that it can be denied and I can be gaslit in my experience. 281 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:45,000 If you are concerned for me, I welcome you to bring these concerns up. 282 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:51,000 Express it openly. It could sound like, hey, I'm letting you know that this is how I feel about this. 283 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:57,000 I'm worried about you. At this point, I will gently remind you that this is in fact what I am doing, 284 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,000 and you can choose to support me if you'd like. You're more than welcome to your thoughts and feelings. 285 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,000 I can understand and see why you would feel this way. 286 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:09,000 There are very valid concerns, but this is not a place in time where this is up for debate. 287 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,000 I'm pursuing this. It's the best choice for me. 288 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,000 Life will not end if I do not do well at this. 289 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:19,000 Life goes on, as it always does, no matter what decisions you make. 290 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:25,000 There are plenty of opportunities in this world at any given time. There's no shorted. 291 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,000 There's people who start over in their 40s, 50s, 60s, starting from ground zero. They survive. 292 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:36,000 Hell, sometimes they even thrive. There's people who lose everything and start over. 293 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,000 They don't die. The world doesn't end for them or anyone else. 294 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:44,000 It might feel like it temporarily, but it's not reality. It's not the facts. 295 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:49,000 So if I end up in a worst case scenario and lose absolutely everything, I will still be alive. 296 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:55,000 I will not be dead. It would suck. It would cause me a lot of problems, but that's my life to sort out. 297 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,000 They're not your consequences to deal with. 298 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,000 In summary, I feel gross. Icky. It helps to get it out, to talk it through, 299 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000 and be open about the multiple facets that are experienced internally, 300 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:11,000 even if I find them embarrassing to admit, or make me seem petty, or that I'm just taking them the wrong way. 301 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:18,000 It's my reality. The thoughts we are conflicted with internally when confronted with things, words, comments, interactions, 302 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,000 anything that makes us simply feel. 303 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:27,000 If this is the extent of the backlash I receive for choosing to go down this path, then this really isn't too bad. 304 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:34,000 It just brings up feelings about this journey that I still need to work through to figure out what they mean to me and why. 305 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:59,000 In analyzing this and trying to better understand, I can find acceptance, move forward, and try to keep healing.