It's that time of year again. It creeps up on me just like the way my birthday
does, I suppose. World Mental Health Day. A day of advocating, providing a voice to
those who are struggling, suffering, in silence. For those who aren't able to
speak out for themselves, for reasons we may never understand. Is it a fear of
being ignored? Stigma? Is it that they've been crying out for help for so long and
no one's ever believed them to bother to take a chance to listen? It's a well
intentioned day reminding everybody of the fact that we don't have a clue about
what it is those around us in our everyday lives may be facing. That we all, at
some point, require services that still hold stigma and shame, and it's a call
to action to normalize the very real, very normal human feelings and
experiences, all before it's too late and we lose one too many to addiction, to
prison, to suicide. Personally, the concept of World Mental Health Day is very
conflicting. This is about to get heavy. World Mental Health Day is something
that has always caused me to feel bitter, churning up negativity deep within
me. I find myself resentful as its reminder appears on my phone. You see, I
have always found it ironic that so many people share posts about World Mental
Health Day in an attempt to advocate to show they care. They may even add that
anyone on their list of followers is free to reach out anytime. They'll always be
there to listen if you're in need. My struggle comes from my lived experience
and resides in the mere fact that a lot of these individuals are unaware that
they have seemingly blacked out huge chunks of their lives because they are,
in fact, the people who impacted my life in such a way that I ended up with
mental health concerns today, that I ended up with low self-worth, low self-esteem,
low beliefs about myself, and believe the truly horrible things they told me about
myself. The root of who we are is the result of all of the stories that we
have been told about ourselves, what we've been shown about ourselves
throughout the formative years of our development, and the years that followed
onward to confirm our experience. All of this solidified us in our human
experience, who we are, and who we present ourselves as. Many of the things
we've been told about who we are in our reality, in growing up, aren't even our
reality to contend with. It's not our story to take on, to live. They were the
lived realities and perceptions of others. They are filled with the struggles, the
conflicts, the turmoil that they were experiencing in those times when we
encountered them, when we were most vulnerable. They projected this onto us,
which we had no choice but to internalize as if it was in fact about us, as if
that baggage belonged to us, and this was now our story to live and to tell. I'm
talking about the negative things that belong to us as a result of being gifted
by others. I say gifted in the most sad, sarcastic of ways, of course, where
someone treated us in certain ways at certain times that led us to believe
that perhaps we weren't worthy, that we weren't lovable in all aspects of our
presentation of our truest selves, that we weren't good enough in certain
situations, we shouldn't dare attempt certain paths in life or allow people to
truly see who we are, where we were unintentionally taking on the message
that something was wrong with us in our existence, despite not even being old
enough to attempt to live, to produce factual evidence of these concepts. The
person or persons who told us these stories were individuals who were in our
entourage, who we looked up to, parents, teachers, relatives, guidance counselors,
coaches, people who were struggling to cope with their lives, and who had learned
to take it out on others as a lack of self-awareness, a lack of ability to
self-soothe, self-manage, and a lack of communicating their needs in a healthy
way that would allow them to find ways to fulfill them. It's no surprise that we
end up as adults in this space with complex experiences and lack the
awareness to know that even the smallest slight or behavior, bad mood or sharp
comment vocalized can send someone spiraling, that it can influence someone's
experience outside of ourselves, leading to a lasting impact for years,
possibly even forever. Given my experiences in my childhood, my teen years, and even
into today, I am heavily triggered, angered, and upset because of the careless
ways in which people share posts about this day in particular. I think about
how some of these people are parents and likely have children who are being
bullied in school. They sit there crying at their kitchen table, wishing their kid
wasn't being bullied, wishing they could stop the pain and suffering being
inflicted upon them, not even stopping to think outside of their victimized
experience in that moment to consider if even for a second that they perhaps also
caused a world of hurt and devastation onto others, that they behave towards
others in the same way the bullies are behaving towards their children. I find
this so hard to navigate sometimes. I'm excited to see the world progressing
towards destigmatizing these concepts, the encouragement and normalization of
seeking help when needed. On the other hand, I'm bitter, angry, resentful that I'm
in a position where I have to work so hard on my mental health, even to this day,
to work on my self-esteem, try to improve my self-worth because of people's
carelessness and how they raise their children, how they showed their children
patterns of avoidance, reactivity, placing the blame on others to feel better
about themselves, and not teaching them how to cope so they don't place the hurt
onto others simply because they're hurting, where I ended up being the scapegoat
of these children who are in turn likely the scapegoat of their parents. I
understand it comes full circle, but it doesn't make me feel better to know this,
especially knowing that they would go on to preach about their abilities to
provide comfort to those who are suffering. When it's highly unlikely they
receive the amount of therapy adequate for that sort of repair within
themselves, never mind suddenly gaining the ability to provide it for others. We
are all in powerful roles where someone somewhere looks up to you, whether you're
a teacher, a mother, a father, an uncle, a friend, somebody, somewhere will be looking
up to you for direction, for support. Remember that this person in their life
is impacted by your actions or inactions by how you choose to navigate a
situation, your response, and your behavior. We should be reflecting upon our
interactions with others as a regular practice so we can learn and grow and
repair where we need. If you're in a situation that leaves you feeling icky,
where you're unsure, ask yourself how did this situation really go? If you were in
the shoes of the other person receiving this behavior, this tone, this message,
how would I be left to feel if I had been spoken to in that way? Or a simple
noticing in a shift of behavior of the other person during conversation? Just
do a check-in, ask if they're okay, that you've noticed the shift, bring it up.
Ask them if something you said caused them to feel a certain way. If you are
going into your day struggling and you know you won't be at your best for
personal reasons or things that are happening outside of your environment,
outside of work, wherever it is that you may be, just be honest. I encourage it. It
will help prevent internalizing things that aren't even theirs to own to begin
with. A simple hey, I'm not my best today, I'm distracted, I'm struggling, I've got a
lot on my mind, and as I navigate through today, I'm sorry if I seem short or upset.
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm going to do my best to not let it
affect my behavior or my interactions, but it's a really hard day and I'm just
really not my best. We're not directly responsible for the ways in which someone
may spiral due to their past experiences. I'm coming at this from simple
acknowledgement that this mindset, these reactions, they were created from somewhere
and have a point of origin. To be cautious in our approach towards others
around us, knowing that our words and behaviors will have a lasting impact and
it may not be in a good way. A message to my bullies. I understand that you have
not yet learned how to behave in a way that does not leave others feeling
worthless. This is because you have yet to discover how to find your own self-worth
and the world doesn't work in a way where you can just take your hurt and
give it to someone else to be responsible for. This is something for you to fix
yourself. Focus on your own mental health. You deserve to give yourself that. You
need to ask yourself these questions. How is my mental health? Am I okay? What is
my mental health telling me about the world I'm living in, about my
experiences? Am I behaving in a way that aligns with my values or am I
ashamed if I really stop and take a look how I've responded to the world in
which I'm in? Your reactions and feelings are absolutely valid. How you
choose to respond and react have the potential to cause a chain reaction
affecting others in some really terrible ways. Sometimes our suffering is put on
to others in ways we aren't even capable of recognizing or understanding. But I'm
hoping in saying this out loud I can help heal myself and feel as though I've
confronted some of those individuals who have left scars in their wake. In a more
general sense, I hope it opens up the conversation to considering being mindful
starting this process. Being mindful of the little details, the little things,
because I'm recognizing some things here. You've learned quite a bit about my
internal intricacies in listening to the podcast so far. Little things about me
you didn't know existed when you met me. The ways in which I see the world. The
thoughts I have in relation to certain events. Things going through my head
that I have felt. Feelings. Things that are simply just me. I am an individual
you've met but now you're seeing parts of my inner world. You also have an inner
world. It's just different than mine. We all have this internal world, internal
dialogue. These struggles, these moments, we're all similar in so many ways. I am
showing you through this podcast what the lasting impact is of these decisions.
This is what it's like to be human in this world. Trying to navigate the struggles,
to communicate and get by, while also trying to stay on top of things. Where I
need to remind myself constantly that I am not all of the horrible things people
have made me feel that I am. All of the damage inflicted upon me by others who
struggled to cope with their own issues and deflected onto those around them.
There once was a time not long ago where World Mental Health Day rolled around
and I fantasized about posting petty posts. To say, you know, Mental Health Day is a
day of awareness where we should advocate and support one another but just
remember you are also the cause for someone's poor mental health. This
wouldn't be conducive to positivity so I of course never went forth and did this
but these were real feelings that I experienced and I still sometimes feel
them today. There are people I am tempted to shout at, to shake, to call
hypocrite, to tell them they're the reason I feel so fucked up today and how
dare they talk about mental health advocacy. They may not remember their
actions but I do. I remember when I was in high school how badly I was affected
led me to a point where even to this day I can remember the faces of each and
every person who informed me that I was worthless and that I didn't belong. I
clearly recall the words they chose and how they made me feel. I also remember
the way in which my spirit shattered at the following situation littered
throughout the years following high school that happened a handful of times.
In my opinion, one would be one too many. Never mind repeated to solidify what
continued to cause my already broken heart a level of pain I didn't know if I
would be able to survive. A Facebook friend request would appear and I took
it as a request to stick a nose where it didn't belong to see how I had fared. I
remember sending a very direct message. Why exactly are you adding me? Oh, I was
just wanting to see how you were doing. I thought maybe we could catch up. It's
been years. Spoken as though we were long lost friends, much too casual for my
mental state. Those days were filled with resentment and I felt a need to
ensure that those who had hurt me knew that they had done so. I would often
respond with something along the lines of, we weren't friends, you made it clear
you didn't like me back then. In fact, you partook in the bullying that made my
life a living hell throughout high school. A response came through and it
always contained the same. I did. I don't remember any of that but I'm sorry if
that's the case I guess. I was devastated. These people got to leave those
experiences behind them and live their lives without a care, without realizing
that they had caused me core traumas, traumatizing my life and tormented me,
caused infinite amounts of sleepless nights, created a lingering poor self
esteem that led me to desperately wish I believed in a higher power so that I
could beg to be a different person with a different life. Their actions are a
result of this but they got to walk away free unscathed. Looking back, of course,
it's likely they struggled in their lives, though maybe involving different
realms. Information I would not be privy to. It's logical and understandable that
kids go through so much change and pain as a result of attempting to grow,
navigate life, learn social relationships, discover who we are. I just hated I was
left heartbroken to know that I have so much pain that remains within me that I
will likely forever attempt to navigate these tender areas of my life, whereas to
them it was no different than simply making a choice on whether they should
hold the door open or not for me as I entered the building. That someone would
come up years later and remind them, hey you didn't open that door for me back
in 2005 and I'm still pissed about it. Yeah, there was an apology in their
message but it wasn't a real one. It didn't mean anything to me. A true
apology comes from the heart where you recognize you've hurt someone and you
can approach them wholeheartedly in attempts to repair, not when you only
apologize as you're informed of something you did wrong because you were caught in
the act so to speak. It hurts me to this day that they were so irresponsible with
their behavior towards others that they didn't realize the impact it would have
on people and how it would last so long in their story. So this is what I'm
encouraging you to consider and to teach your children going forward. A general
rule how you behave and interact with others even when it's someone you don't
like, maybe even especially when it's someone you don't like. Sometimes we
don't vibe with someone, they rub us the wrong way, we disagree to our core about
how they choose to live their lives. That's okay, we aren't meant to like everyone
nor is everyone meant to like us. Just be kind, don't do anything about it, don't
let them know you harbor this dislike of them whether it be through actions or
words. Just be respectful, hold your head high, and walk away. It's heartbreaking
that suicide exists and is completed on a more regular basis than we care to
recognize. The people who think there is no way out, not recognizing there was a
complex web of needs that remained unmet, that the harm they were caused
ensured they would have a deep-rooted belief they weren't worthy of life. Just
know that everyone you've ever interacted with has played a part in how you
see yourself in the world. So if you know you're playing this part, do it well, do
it right, make a good impact, smile, acknowledge, respect, maybe even throw in
a compliment. You don't need to create elaborate friendships or be in
uncomfortable situations to simply be kind, to simply be human. We're not
looking to save the world, but we do need people to understand that our value
and importance in the world surrounding us is a lot more significant than you
realize.