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It's that time of year again. It creeps up on me just like the way my birthday

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does, I suppose. World Mental Health Day. A day of advocating, providing a voice to

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those who are struggling, suffering, in silence. For those who aren't able to

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speak out for themselves, for reasons we may never understand. Is it a fear of

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being ignored? Stigma? Is it that they've been crying out for help for so long and

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no one's ever believed them to bother to take a chance to listen? It's a well

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intentioned day reminding everybody of the fact that we don't have a clue about

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what it is those around us in our everyday lives may be facing. That we all, at

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some point, require services that still hold stigma and shame, and it's a call

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to action to normalize the very real, very normal human feelings and

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experiences, all before it's too late and we lose one too many to addiction, to

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prison, to suicide. Personally, the concept of World Mental Health Day is very

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conflicting. This is about to get heavy. World Mental Health Day is something

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that has always caused me to feel bitter, churning up negativity deep within

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me. I find myself resentful as its reminder appears on my phone. You see, I

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have always found it ironic that so many people share posts about World Mental

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Health Day in an attempt to advocate to show they care. They may even add that

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anyone on their list of followers is free to reach out anytime. They'll always be

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there to listen if you're in need. My struggle comes from my lived experience

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and resides in the mere fact that a lot of these individuals are unaware that

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they have seemingly blacked out huge chunks of their lives because they are,

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in fact, the people who impacted my life in such a way that I ended up with

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mental health concerns today, that I ended up with low self-worth, low self-esteem,

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low beliefs about myself, and believe the truly horrible things they told me about

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myself. The root of who we are is the result of all of the stories that we

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have been told about ourselves, what we've been shown about ourselves

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throughout the formative years of our development, and the years that followed

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onward to confirm our experience. All of this solidified us in our human

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experience, who we are, and who we present ourselves as. Many of the things

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we've been told about who we are in our reality, in growing up, aren't even our

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reality to contend with. It's not our story to take on, to live. They were the

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lived realities and perceptions of others. They are filled with the struggles, the

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conflicts, the turmoil that they were experiencing in those times when we

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encountered them, when we were most vulnerable. They projected this onto us,

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which we had no choice but to internalize as if it was in fact about us, as if

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that baggage belonged to us, and this was now our story to live and to tell. I'm

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talking about the negative things that belong to us as a result of being gifted

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by others. I say gifted in the most sad, sarcastic of ways, of course, where

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someone treated us in certain ways at certain times that led us to believe

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that perhaps we weren't worthy, that we weren't lovable in all aspects of our

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presentation of our truest selves, that we weren't good enough in certain

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situations, we shouldn't dare attempt certain paths in life or allow people to

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truly see who we are, where we were unintentionally taking on the message

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that something was wrong with us in our existence, despite not even being old

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enough to attempt to live, to produce factual evidence of these concepts. The

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person or persons who told us these stories were individuals who were in our

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entourage, who we looked up to, parents, teachers, relatives, guidance counselors,

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coaches, people who were struggling to cope with their lives, and who had learned

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to take it out on others as a lack of self-awareness, a lack of ability to

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self-soothe, self-manage, and a lack of communicating their needs in a healthy

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way that would allow them to find ways to fulfill them. It's no surprise that we

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end up as adults in this space with complex experiences and lack the

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awareness to know that even the smallest slight or behavior, bad mood or sharp

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comment vocalized can send someone spiraling, that it can influence someone's

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experience outside of ourselves, leading to a lasting impact for years,

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possibly even forever. Given my experiences in my childhood, my teen years, and even

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into today, I am heavily triggered, angered, and upset because of the careless

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ways in which people share posts about this day in particular. I think about

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how some of these people are parents and likely have children who are being

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bullied in school. They sit there crying at their kitchen table, wishing their kid

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wasn't being bullied, wishing they could stop the pain and suffering being

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inflicted upon them, not even stopping to think outside of their victimized

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experience in that moment to consider if even for a second that they perhaps also

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caused a world of hurt and devastation onto others, that they behave towards

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others in the same way the bullies are behaving towards their children. I find

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this so hard to navigate sometimes. I'm excited to see the world progressing

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towards destigmatizing these concepts, the encouragement and normalization of

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seeking help when needed. On the other hand, I'm bitter, angry, resentful that I'm

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in a position where I have to work so hard on my mental health, even to this day,

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to work on my self-esteem, try to improve my self-worth because of people's

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carelessness and how they raise their children, how they showed their children

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patterns of avoidance, reactivity, placing the blame on others to feel better

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about themselves, and not teaching them how to cope so they don't place the hurt

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onto others simply because they're hurting, where I ended up being the scapegoat

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of these children who are in turn likely the scapegoat of their parents. I

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understand it comes full circle, but it doesn't make me feel better to know this,

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especially knowing that they would go on to preach about their abilities to

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provide comfort to those who are suffering. When it's highly unlikely they

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receive the amount of therapy adequate for that sort of repair within

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themselves, never mind suddenly gaining the ability to provide it for others. We

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are all in powerful roles where someone somewhere looks up to you, whether you're

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a teacher, a mother, a father, an uncle, a friend, somebody, somewhere will be looking

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up to you for direction, for support. Remember that this person in their life

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is impacted by your actions or inactions by how you choose to navigate a

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situation, your response, and your behavior. We should be reflecting upon our

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interactions with others as a regular practice so we can learn and grow and

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repair where we need. If you're in a situation that leaves you feeling icky,

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where you're unsure, ask yourself how did this situation really go? If you were in

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the shoes of the other person receiving this behavior, this tone, this message,

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how would I be left to feel if I had been spoken to in that way? Or a simple

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noticing in a shift of behavior of the other person during conversation? Just

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do a check-in, ask if they're okay, that you've noticed the shift, bring it up.

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Ask them if something you said caused them to feel a certain way. If you are

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going into your day struggling and you know you won't be at your best for

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personal reasons or things that are happening outside of your environment,

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outside of work, wherever it is that you may be, just be honest. I encourage it. It

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will help prevent internalizing things that aren't even theirs to own to begin

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with. A simple hey, I'm not my best today, I'm distracted, I'm struggling, I've got a

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lot on my mind, and as I navigate through today, I'm sorry if I seem short or upset.

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It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm going to do my best to not let it

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affect my behavior or my interactions, but it's a really hard day and I'm just

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really not my best. We're not directly responsible for the ways in which someone

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may spiral due to their past experiences. I'm coming at this from simple

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acknowledgement that this mindset, these reactions, they were created from somewhere

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and have a point of origin. To be cautious in our approach towards others

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around us, knowing that our words and behaviors will have a lasting impact and

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it may not be in a good way. A message to my bullies. I understand that you have

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not yet learned how to behave in a way that does not leave others feeling

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worthless. This is because you have yet to discover how to find your own self-worth

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and the world doesn't work in a way where you can just take your hurt and

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give it to someone else to be responsible for. This is something for you to fix

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yourself. Focus on your own mental health. You deserve to give yourself that. You

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need to ask yourself these questions. How is my mental health? Am I okay? What is

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my mental health telling me about the world I'm living in, about my

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experiences? Am I behaving in a way that aligns with my values or am I

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ashamed if I really stop and take a look how I've responded to the world in

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which I'm in? Your reactions and feelings are absolutely valid. How you

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choose to respond and react have the potential to cause a chain reaction

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affecting others in some really terrible ways. Sometimes our suffering is put on

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to others in ways we aren't even capable of recognizing or understanding. But I'm

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hoping in saying this out loud I can help heal myself and feel as though I've

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confronted some of those individuals who have left scars in their wake. In a more

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general sense, I hope it opens up the conversation to considering being mindful

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starting this process. Being mindful of the little details, the little things,

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because I'm recognizing some things here. You've learned quite a bit about my

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internal intricacies in listening to the podcast so far. Little things about me

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you didn't know existed when you met me. The ways in which I see the world. The

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thoughts I have in relation to certain events. Things going through my head

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that I have felt. Feelings. Things that are simply just me. I am an individual

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you've met but now you're seeing parts of my inner world. You also have an inner

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world. It's just different than mine. We all have this internal world, internal

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dialogue. These struggles, these moments, we're all similar in so many ways. I am

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showing you through this podcast what the lasting impact is of these decisions.

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This is what it's like to be human in this world. Trying to navigate the struggles,

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to communicate and get by, while also trying to stay on top of things. Where I

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need to remind myself constantly that I am not all of the horrible things people

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have made me feel that I am. All of the damage inflicted upon me by others who

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struggled to cope with their own issues and deflected onto those around them.

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There once was a time not long ago where World Mental Health Day rolled around

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and I fantasized about posting petty posts. To say, you know, Mental Health Day is a

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day of awareness where we should advocate and support one another but just

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remember you are also the cause for someone's poor mental health. This

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wouldn't be conducive to positivity so I of course never went forth and did this

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but these were real feelings that I experienced and I still sometimes feel

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them today. There are people I am tempted to shout at, to shake, to call

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hypocrite, to tell them they're the reason I feel so fucked up today and how

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dare they talk about mental health advocacy. They may not remember their

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actions but I do. I remember when I was in high school how badly I was affected

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led me to a point where even to this day I can remember the faces of each and

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every person who informed me that I was worthless and that I didn't belong. I

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clearly recall the words they chose and how they made me feel. I also remember

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the way in which my spirit shattered at the following situation littered

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throughout the years following high school that happened a handful of times.

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In my opinion, one would be one too many. Never mind repeated to solidify what

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continued to cause my already broken heart a level of pain I didn't know if I

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would be able to survive. A Facebook friend request would appear and I took

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it as a request to stick a nose where it didn't belong to see how I had fared. I

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remember sending a very direct message. Why exactly are you adding me? Oh, I was

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just wanting to see how you were doing. I thought maybe we could catch up. It's

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been years. Spoken as though we were long lost friends, much too casual for my

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mental state. Those days were filled with resentment and I felt a need to

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ensure that those who had hurt me knew that they had done so. I would often

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respond with something along the lines of, we weren't friends, you made it clear

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you didn't like me back then. In fact, you partook in the bullying that made my

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life a living hell throughout high school. A response came through and it

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always contained the same. I did. I don't remember any of that but I'm sorry if

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that's the case I guess. I was devastated. These people got to leave those

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experiences behind them and live their lives without a care, without realizing

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that they had caused me core traumas, traumatizing my life and tormented me,

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caused infinite amounts of sleepless nights, created a lingering poor self

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esteem that led me to desperately wish I believed in a higher power so that I

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could beg to be a different person with a different life. Their actions are a

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result of this but they got to walk away free unscathed. Looking back, of course,

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it's likely they struggled in their lives, though maybe involving different

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realms. Information I would not be privy to. It's logical and understandable that

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kids go through so much change and pain as a result of attempting to grow,

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navigate life, learn social relationships, discover who we are. I just hated I was

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left heartbroken to know that I have so much pain that remains within me that I

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will likely forever attempt to navigate these tender areas of my life, whereas to

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them it was no different than simply making a choice on whether they should

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hold the door open or not for me as I entered the building. That someone would

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come up years later and remind them, hey you didn't open that door for me back

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in 2005 and I'm still pissed about it. Yeah, there was an apology in their

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message but it wasn't a real one. It didn't mean anything to me. A true

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apology comes from the heart where you recognize you've hurt someone and you

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can approach them wholeheartedly in attempts to repair, not when you only

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apologize as you're informed of something you did wrong because you were caught in

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the act so to speak. It hurts me to this day that they were so irresponsible with

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their behavior towards others that they didn't realize the impact it would have

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on people and how it would last so long in their story. So this is what I'm

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encouraging you to consider and to teach your children going forward. A general

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rule how you behave and interact with others even when it's someone you don't

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like, maybe even especially when it's someone you don't like. Sometimes we

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don't vibe with someone, they rub us the wrong way, we disagree to our core about

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how they choose to live their lives. That's okay, we aren't meant to like everyone

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nor is everyone meant to like us. Just be kind, don't do anything about it, don't

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let them know you harbor this dislike of them whether it be through actions or

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words. Just be respectful, hold your head high, and walk away. It's heartbreaking

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that suicide exists and is completed on a more regular basis than we care to

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recognize. The people who think there is no way out, not recognizing there was a

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complex web of needs that remained unmet, that the harm they were caused

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ensured they would have a deep-rooted belief they weren't worthy of life. Just

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know that everyone you've ever interacted with has played a part in how you

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see yourself in the world. So if you know you're playing this part, do it well, do

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it right, make a good impact, smile, acknowledge, respect, maybe even throw in

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a compliment. You don't need to create elaborate friendships or be in

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uncomfortable situations to simply be kind, to simply be human. We're not

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looking to save the world, but we do need people to understand that our value

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and importance in the world surrounding us is a lot more significant than you

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realize.