In this journey, I've come to realize that I have spent so many years neglecting my body,
my intuition, and my ability to recognize that within me I hold a powerful awareness.
It's a primitive language, one that we've all honed since the dawn of time.
The ability to keep ourselves safe, though back in the day it was more of a matter of
physical survival, identifying and outrunning predators who threatened our existence, think
of the ever terrifying tiger.
Now that society has progressed, it's more of a mental safety issue, the surroundings
we are in.
Instead of threatening us with death, although I guess as a true crime fan, it is possible
that we could still be murdered, and we should definitely be cautious of that, we are more
threatened on a spiritual level, our inner world, our environments.
It's a lot more complex than it once was.
Unsurprising, it's also extremely hard to navigate since there is so much information
to take in at all times about our surroundings and the people within it.
I've always felt conflicted about the idea that we should be trusting our gut feelings.
It's the most instinctual sense that we have, but it's also complicated by other factors
at times.
Think about it, we do a pretty good job of sussing out any dangers and trusting our
gut for the people we meet and the scenarios we encounter.
What happens if you end up with a label, such as anxiety, or generalized anxiety disorder,
when there is something chemically off balance, or whatever the root cause may be, it causes
us to develop anxiety about situations that are not an active threat, where we envision
worst case scenarios out of something that isn't a threat, but from a threatening lived
experience that has taught us we can't trust anything.
So how is it that these individuals truly can trust their guts?
What about those who suffer from paranoia disorders, or are schizophrenic?
There are times where this doesn't seem like a feasible endeavor.
Trusting this knowledge in my noggin means I have a very, very good track record of gaslighting
myself out of listening to my body, questioning if I should be trusting what it's telling
me when others in the environment do not appear to feel the same, or see what it is that I
see.
I consider this as I realize I have been through a lot of situations in my life that have left
me feeling suspicious about a lot of seemingly normal interactions.
So this is of course a problem.
This journey for me is a lot of trying new things to seek healing and growth, and to
learn what it means to truly trust myself, to encourage the life I'm meant to lead to
enter authentically.
In being far removed from many of the things that plagued me in the past, and not presenting
myself with situations that can cause me to wonder if I'm making these dangers up, in
this case the example would be to put myself to work as a nurse, where I know I struggle
with a number of things that may or may not, in fact, be real.
I spent many days feeling at ease, at peace, until one day where I didn't.
It seemed random, sudden, and the events prior to this feeling were innocent had not caused
me any harm or threatened my safety.
I spent the better part of two days not understanding why I felt so icky, why there were certain
tasks I couldn't bring myself to perform despite wanting to, knowing it would be of
my benefit.
It was as though I was cemented at my feet, prevented by some force from stepping forward
in the direction I wanted to go.
It's not safe.
That was the sensation that I was feeling.
That was what was put forth before me.
Was it the actual fuck?
The urge arrived to beat myself up, to tell myself, you're being unreasonable, get your
shit together.
Why is it that I'm feeling this way?
I want to stop feeling this way.
Stop right now.
There's nothing here.
We are where we've been the last few days and it's been fine until suddenly it wasn't,
or was it?
Something happened on a day prior to these feelings arriving that I had taken to view
as a positive event in my life.
I left it feeling full of joy, proud of myself, excited to reflect on it after a night of
good sleep.
The following morning, I couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper.
I journaled about everything but that, and when I would think, okay, let's write about
this thing, I couldn't do it, it was akin to putting two magnets back to back where no
amount of force would allow it to connect or to happen.
Other exasperated, what the fuck, left my lips.
I attempted to self-soothe.
I was utterly spent, exhausted, unable to comprehend why everything felt so heavy until
I stopped and asked myself, what if?
What if the thing that happened that had seemed so normal was in fact none of those things?
What if my ability to read a situation in the present had been obscured?
What if, due to my patterns, I had entered a space that repeated a behavior I had been
hoping to let go, to grow from, a space that felt familiar and comfortable because it was
what I knew, what I grew up in, but that after the fact, the realization of the dangers this
situation presented set itself into my body and it was now screaming at me to listen.
I explored this idea.
I started questioning the reality of the scenario as it had played out.
What if my perception had been flawed?
What are the facts that truly sit with me now that I am alone, not under any pressure
to respond, to feel, or to perform a certain way?
Hmm, interesting.
Suddenly, themes began cropping up that I felt the need to further consider their impact
and attempt to uncover what it is I was truly trying to tell myself.
In the end, I realized I felt a lot of shame, that I had thoroughly enjoyed the experience
at hand, and I felt bad that in doing so, I had somehow betrayed myself and my senses.
Isn't that such a strange concept to try to consider, assuming that is, that you've
kept up to this point and are able to understand even just a little bit of what I'm trying
to say?
It's probably a lot to take in.
It was a lot for me to come to realize and then attempt to start deciphering.
I was able to jot down some ideas and logical explanations for it, but parts of it still
just didn't make sense to me, and they still don't.
There was no real visible dangers in this situation.
Nothing bad had happened.
I reminded myself that this was not the time to counter my feelings and my intuition, that
sometimes there will be situations that happen that my body is aware of, that knows there
is something wrong, a warning to heed, and I may never get the answer in a logical way.
I may never get the why, and though this is uncomfortable and will drive me insane at times,
I just need to know that it is there, it is telling me something, and I need to accept
it, that it was time to start trusting myself and finally listening.
Parts come in different forms, but this is the first time it's truly allowed me to consider
that I have a lot of work left to do in order to truly connect with myself and tap into
the self that I can trust that will keep me safe and has my best intentions at heart.
Always.
It's a strange sensation, but I do feel my heart soften and fondness envelops me as I
make the choice to trust myself, to listen to myself, to begin forging this connection
that I have spent so many years attempting to sever due to the discomfort it caused.
I truly do have my back, and it's time to work towards being a team rather than fighting
against it.
Sometimes we aren't going to understand the why or what is causing us to feel a certain
way, but I encourage you to listen, to trust yourself, to trust what your body is telling
you about a situation that you may not see as being a danger to you.
Trust yourself, it might just save your life.