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In this journey, I've come to realize that I have spent so many years neglecting my body,

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my intuition, and my ability to recognize that within me I hold a powerful awareness.

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It's a primitive language, one that we've all honed since the dawn of time.

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The ability to keep ourselves safe, though back in the day it was more of a matter of

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physical survival, identifying and outrunning predators who threatened our existence, think

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of the ever terrifying tiger.

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Now that society has progressed, it's more of a mental safety issue, the surroundings

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we are in.

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Instead of threatening us with death, although I guess as a true crime fan, it is possible

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that we could still be murdered, and we should definitely be cautious of that, we are more

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threatened on a spiritual level, our inner world, our environments.

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It's a lot more complex than it once was.

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Unsurprising, it's also extremely hard to navigate since there is so much information

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to take in at all times about our surroundings and the people within it.

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I've always felt conflicted about the idea that we should be trusting our gut feelings.

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It's the most instinctual sense that we have, but it's also complicated by other factors

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at times.

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Think about it, we do a pretty good job of sussing out any dangers and trusting our

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gut for the people we meet and the scenarios we encounter.

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What happens if you end up with a label, such as anxiety, or generalized anxiety disorder,

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when there is something chemically off balance, or whatever the root cause may be, it causes

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us to develop anxiety about situations that are not an active threat, where we envision

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worst case scenarios out of something that isn't a threat, but from a threatening lived

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experience that has taught us we can't trust anything.

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So how is it that these individuals truly can trust their guts?

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What about those who suffer from paranoia disorders, or are schizophrenic?

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There are times where this doesn't seem like a feasible endeavor.

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Trusting this knowledge in my noggin means I have a very, very good track record of gaslighting

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myself out of listening to my body, questioning if I should be trusting what it's telling

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me when others in the environment do not appear to feel the same, or see what it is that I

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see.

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I consider this as I realize I have been through a lot of situations in my life that have left

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me feeling suspicious about a lot of seemingly normal interactions.

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So this is of course a problem.

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This journey for me is a lot of trying new things to seek healing and growth, and to

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learn what it means to truly trust myself, to encourage the life I'm meant to lead to

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enter authentically.

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In being far removed from many of the things that plagued me in the past, and not presenting

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myself with situations that can cause me to wonder if I'm making these dangers up, in

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this case the example would be to put myself to work as a nurse, where I know I struggle

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with a number of things that may or may not, in fact, be real.

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I spent many days feeling at ease, at peace, until one day where I didn't.

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It seemed random, sudden, and the events prior to this feeling were innocent had not caused

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me any harm or threatened my safety.

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I spent the better part of two days not understanding why I felt so icky, why there were certain

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tasks I couldn't bring myself to perform despite wanting to, knowing it would be of

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my benefit.

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It was as though I was cemented at my feet, prevented by some force from stepping forward

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in the direction I wanted to go.

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It's not safe.

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That was the sensation that I was feeling.

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That was what was put forth before me.

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Was it the actual fuck?

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The urge arrived to beat myself up, to tell myself, you're being unreasonable, get your

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shit together.

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Why is it that I'm feeling this way?

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I want to stop feeling this way.

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Stop right now.

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There's nothing here.

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We are where we've been the last few days and it's been fine until suddenly it wasn't,

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or was it?

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Something happened on a day prior to these feelings arriving that I had taken to view

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as a positive event in my life.

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I left it feeling full of joy, proud of myself, excited to reflect on it after a night of

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good sleep.

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The following morning, I couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper.

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I journaled about everything but that, and when I would think, okay, let's write about

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this thing, I couldn't do it, it was akin to putting two magnets back to back where no

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amount of force would allow it to connect or to happen.

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Other exasperated, what the fuck, left my lips.

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I attempted to self-soothe.

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I was utterly spent, exhausted, unable to comprehend why everything felt so heavy until

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I stopped and asked myself, what if?

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What if the thing that happened that had seemed so normal was in fact none of those things?

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What if my ability to read a situation in the present had been obscured?

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What if, due to my patterns, I had entered a space that repeated a behavior I had been

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hoping to let go, to grow from, a space that felt familiar and comfortable because it was

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what I knew, what I grew up in, but that after the fact, the realization of the dangers this

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situation presented set itself into my body and it was now screaming at me to listen.

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I explored this idea.

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I started questioning the reality of the scenario as it had played out.

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What if my perception had been flawed?

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What are the facts that truly sit with me now that I am alone, not under any pressure

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to respond, to feel, or to perform a certain way?

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Hmm, interesting.

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Suddenly, themes began cropping up that I felt the need to further consider their impact

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and attempt to uncover what it is I was truly trying to tell myself.

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In the end, I realized I felt a lot of shame, that I had thoroughly enjoyed the experience

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at hand, and I felt bad that in doing so, I had somehow betrayed myself and my senses.

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Isn't that such a strange concept to try to consider, assuming that is, that you've

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kept up to this point and are able to understand even just a little bit of what I'm trying

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to say?

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It's probably a lot to take in.

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It was a lot for me to come to realize and then attempt to start deciphering.

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I was able to jot down some ideas and logical explanations for it, but parts of it still

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just didn't make sense to me, and they still don't.

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There was no real visible dangers in this situation.

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Nothing bad had happened.

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I reminded myself that this was not the time to counter my feelings and my intuition, that

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sometimes there will be situations that happen that my body is aware of, that knows there

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is something wrong, a warning to heed, and I may never get the answer in a logical way.

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I may never get the why, and though this is uncomfortable and will drive me insane at times,

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I just need to know that it is there, it is telling me something, and I need to accept

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it, that it was time to start trusting myself and finally listening.

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Parts come in different forms, but this is the first time it's truly allowed me to consider

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that I have a lot of work left to do in order to truly connect with myself and tap into

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the self that I can trust that will keep me safe and has my best intentions at heart.

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Always.

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It's a strange sensation, but I do feel my heart soften and fondness envelops me as I

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make the choice to trust myself, to listen to myself, to begin forging this connection

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that I have spent so many years attempting to sever due to the discomfort it caused.

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I truly do have my back, and it's time to work towards being a team rather than fighting

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against it.

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Sometimes we aren't going to understand the why or what is causing us to feel a certain

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way, but I encourage you to listen, to trust yourself, to trust what your body is telling

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you about a situation that you may not see as being a danger to you.

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Trust yourself, it might just save your life.