This is a really special episode to me because it marks the first time in my
podcast journey where I am able to answer a listener question that was sent to me
via Instagram. I hadn't thought about any other aspects other than creating. I am
really touched that there are people who want me to share some insights on
specific topics in hopes of maybe feeling heard, validated, understood, and to get
my take on things. I am taking this time to let you guys know you can reach out
anytime with questions and I'm going to start adding these special episodes
should it become a regular thing. The question I received is this. Do you deal
with anxiety? Because I do very severely and as a result I'm too scared to do
anything or deal with anything that comes up. For me it makes me feel like
everything is closing in on me where I can hear my heart pounding into my head
and I slowly recognize this as I start to black out. I feel as though I can't
breathe. I end up overthinking every single thing. I know I need to seek
therapy but it's hard for me to get to that point. I acknowledge it's not the
right way to go about it. I know I'm not being as proactive about this as I could
be or as I should be. I'm just curious to know how do people deal with this? I want
to start out by saying thank you so much for reaching out to me, for opening up
and sharing this with me. I know it's hard to speak our truth sometimes,
especially when it's painful and brings up feelings of shame. Why am I not
functioning like the others? How come I have this feeling that keeps me where I
am, standing still, unable to move forward? Recognizing there is an issue is
always the first step and then recognizing how it's impacting your life is
yet another huge step. I am so proud of you for acknowledging these things, for
reaching out to me. I'm honored but I also recognize that it's hard to do. It's
such a vulnerable thing so just know I'm holding space for you. I'm proud of you
and I absolutely admire you. Thank you for being here. Those feelings you have
are so real, so debilitating. It's an actual thing you're dealing with, even
if it's not seen by others or even by yourself. If there is something preventing
you from achieving your goals, working towards your happiness, it is absolutely
real. It is absolutely worth exploring. So let's get started. The question was
asking if I deal with anxiety and this person wanted to know how people in
general deal with their anxiety. 2021 was the year I reached my initial breaking
point where I sought help. It was a very tough time for me and a lot of it was
surrounding the unsettling feeling that the pandemic was just never ending. It
exacerbated all aspects of my life of myself that I had been neglecting far
too long, creating the perfect storm, and swept everything into its chaos as it
passed through. By the time I sought help, I was absolutely non-functional. I
couldn't go anywhere or do anything without absolute panic setting in. It
was horrible. It got to the point where I would work a shift with a good friend and
end up driving home sobbing, unable to breathe, because I thought, she hates me.
She fucking hates me and I know it. Why does everybody hate me? What's wrong with
me? I would read between lines that weren't there because that was what I
wanted to see. Now I'm in a different space and I think the reality was I was
judging myself and my inability to cope, inability to handle life, work, and to
complete tasks as required. I couldn't do the basic anymore so I assumed everybody
could see inside of me, see the wreck of a human that I had become, mistake my
dysfunction as lazy, incompetent, all the horrible things I feared to be perceived
as. Then I would project it onto others while using them as mirrors to project
it back onto myself. It wasn't reality but it felt horribly real and it was real
to me. I would always enter scenarios preparing for the worst. I would think
about every outcome that was possible and find a way to have an exit plan for
each possibility. Sometimes it wasn't feasible to escape and I would just
constantly repeat the thoughts and the beliefs to myself. I found that once I
started festering in those emotions it got worse. I was perpetuating it, unable
to get out of my head. One thought fed into the other until I was a wreck. I
couldn't breathe. I was paralyzed. Usually it involved interactions with
others. It was a time before I ended things with a long-term partner and
anytime I thought of coming home from work I imagined he would be there, mad at
me, that I'd come home to repeated demands for attention, that if I didn't
he would be mad and we'd fight. I hadn't even left the hospital parking lot yet
and I was setting my arrival home up for failure. Then I'd get home. I was
anxious, avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversation. Of course this would
absolutely start a fight and so my worst fears would come alive. I'm going to
skip ahead to what the anxiety looks like and feels like now before diving a
bit deeper. Anxiety now starts with my breath catching in my throat. Breathing
becomes more shallow and it feels like I can't expand my lungs enough to get the
oxygen I need. It's almost as though I can feel the fight or flight response as
it starts. Pupils dilating, heart rate picks up, starts racing. I get the jitters.
If you can believe it, it's almost as though I can feel every molecule in my
body vibrating at such a fast frequency. Prepping for a sprint, a quick takeoff.
It's very unsettling. Think ants in your pants unsettling. I can't sit still. I
need to move. Do something. Get air. Go somewhere else. Change scenery. What would
usually follow is racing thoughts. I don't hear voices but I imagine it's as
though voices are talking to me inside my head but it's really just jumbled
thoughts racing a mile a minute about whatever topic has upset me. Usually
it's something I've picked up on in environments. Somebody's body language
has indicated a shift in their mood, their behavior. Something is upsetting
someone and they arrive to the interaction with this previously existing
emotional turmoil that I out of habit perceive as something that I did. Then I
rack my brain. I overthink every little thing I said or did in the last day, the
last week that could possibly have upset this person. I ask are you okay and
should they answer that they are fine? I do not believe them. I cannot. Their
actions do not match their statements. I do not trust that this is not going to
hurt me. This, this all stems from messages from my childhood. I also feel a
lot of hmm I'm not sure if the word is anxiety. Fear maybe? There are also
messages from how I was raised. Growing up in this environment had me develop
these sorts of thought patterns. I really limited myself in my life as a result
of this. Even now I struggle to participate in certain activities because I
will literally think to myself, oh man what if I die? What if I break something
or get seriously injured? It also doesn't help that as an ER nurse I have seen most
situations end up badly and just how badly they could be. Growing up hearing
how you should think about the world in this way had led me to seeing and
thinking the world in this exact way. It makes sense. We do as we're taught.
Monkey see, monkey do. As is the root of all of our successes. Our failures, our
issues. When my behavior became so severe I was crying in the workplace,
breaking down in front of colleagues and patients, and driving home unsafely
every single day. Crying so hard I couldn't breathe or see. I called a
crisis helpline. I also reached out to a psychologist and self-referred to get
psychiatric testing. I knew I would not be able to work or function. Never mind
get enjoyment out of life if I did not find out what the fuck was wrong with
me. It didn't take long to get into these services and I accessed them together
at the same time. I remember telling the psychologist I needed to get checked for
something because there was no way I was normal. This wasn't a life worth living
if I couldn't function. I told him I think I have a severe case of general
anxiety disorder or maybe it's PTSD. I needed to know what I had to do. I was
willing to take medications. Anything just to get out of this mode. It took some
time. We did the testing. The results came back as a class of case of a tension
deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD. Relieved but also confused. I believed I
had severe anxiety. Where was that diagnosis? It was explained to me that
years and years of masking had led to a point where I could no longer over
compensate to meet my role within the demands of society. The techniques I had
used to adapt to stay afloat were no longer cutting it. As a result I was
expressing signs and symptoms of anxiety but in reality it was the mismanagement
or the fact that I had ADHD that wasn't being managed at all and that had caused
these symptoms to appear. While it does resemble anxiety and of course is
described by me as such, I found that in managing the ADHD or at least for a time
the symptoms became less severe and I had moments of remission from it. I only
say this because it differs from true anxiety diagnoses which is a condition
that is real and exists and is not easily resolved by something such as
managing the other labels in your life if you've been assigned ADHD. I am
certainly not an expert but I can say that I relate to some of those feelings
and understand how debilitating it feels, how it takes hold of you threatening
to never let go. I relate but I have also figured out what makes me tick, what
caused me to get there, and how to find ways to manage the underlying concerns
that exacerbate it. If I'm to reflect on anxiety I think it's good to note that
when we meet others or interact with others we need to be aware that we all
face some form of it but sometimes some people experience it worse. I've met a
lot of people who came across as standoffish or rude when the reality was
they were battling crippling anxiety and panic, a fear to say the wrong thing,
overthinking everything, thinking they were unliked, were doing something wrong,
whatever it might be, and then choosing to remain silent because of the
inability to communicate or to get out of that headspace. I was of course
privileged to learn of this perspective because it helped me grow and try not to
exert judgment on others because of how they are portraying themselves. It's
very often unintentional and there's way more than meets the eye here. I've even
dated people who due to their anxiety had an inability to express themselves,
behaved in avoidant manners, which caused hurt of course. The reality was they
didn't want to say something stupid, do something wrong, and didn't know how to
begin to respond to broach the subject. Where I felt I was neglected and ignored,
where I felt I wasn't worthy of a response and they'd rather do something
else and leave me hanging, they were crippled with fear, constantly thinking
about the situation or what I had brought up, unable to move forward. So it's
important to know and keep in mind that anxiety looks different for everybody
and that everyone's fighting battles that we are unaware of. Anxiety is real, it is
debilitating, it's harmful to themselves and to others. Each of us experiences
anxiety in our own unique ways with different triggers and displays of it. It
all stems from wherever it once came, whether it's what we're taught in childhood
about ourselves or the world around us, how to behave based on others'
behaviors, or the simple inability to know how to manage it in a way that allows
us to experience freedom from it. It's all real, it's all very very real. For
myself, the techniques I use are things I've had to learn over time with my
therapist. I've also tried different things from different sources to find
what works for me. Everyone's going to have their own unique thing that helps
them. The important thing is finding what that is. Sometimes it looks like
getting medication so you can give yourself the headspace to learn what
those things are rather than being in a constant state of inability to function.
Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off of those if that's what
you so choose. Perhaps it's a chemical imbalance that requires long-term use of
medications. That's a possibility and is okay too. For myself, I find that
meditation works wonders, especially with focus on breath work. This is also why I
enjoy yoga and I'm not talking the hardcore exercise type, but the kind
where you pair gentle stretching and positions with cycles of focused
breathing. Anything that grounds me in the present moment makes me focus on the
act of breathing in, breathing out. This is what takes me out of the jumbled up
speeding thoughts racing through my brain and allows me to quiet those
statements that perpetuate that cycle. The ones that keep me from coming back to
reality. For meditation, I find I resonate with Jeff Warren who does daily
meditations on the calm app. It's a paid app I've been using for quite some time.
I really like his voice and I like how he approaches it. I used to think
meditation sounded janky and on this spiritual plane that I didn't think I
could identify with. He's very much teaching meditation from a skeptical
point of view, which makes it really enjoyable because it feels real. I don't
beat myself up if I can't focus or get into the mental mode that I'm supposed
to be in and he points that out and offers gentle reminders as well. For yoga,
I started out with yoga by Adrienne. Her 30-day beginner course is where I
started and I fell in love with it. It encourages me to stretch first and foremost
which is always a bonus. What I love about her is her soothing voice. She's
always so gentle and encouraging no matter the level you're at. She offers
grace and compassion when you need it and encourages self-love. She goes through
different types of yoga, different poses, and sometimes it's laying on the ground
with a pillow and focusing on your breathing patterns. It's actually really
great and best of all it's free and you can find it on YouTube. My relationship
with anxiety will likely never be over. I am a human being living in the world as
we know it today after all. I think it would be stupid to assume I would ever
get to live free of some form of anxiety. In my own life, I've done a lot of work,
too much to name here. There's things like challenging my thoughts, identifying
my feelings, and writing them down as they are without judgment. I practice
self-awareness and reflection, which I find really helps me. Avoiding a topic
because it makes me uncomfortable just makes it worse or if I say it or in this
case write it, I'm able to feel a bit of freedom and release from it. It's truly
all about finding what works for you. As far as therapy goes, don't beat yourself
up if you haven't gotten there. Maybe you never will. I know it's a really hard
road. Sometimes people don't have the financial or geographical or even cultural
privilege of accessing services like this. I also know it's extremely
challenging to find a good therapist that is the right fit for you. It's
daunting to seek help to begin with and it's so scary, so scary. To be met with
the wrong therapist in a first experience can ruin it for you and prevent you from
wanting to pursue that path. It's a shame, but our system isn't well designed or
developed at this time and I know this could have been a barrier for me had I
let it, so I can just imagine what it's like for others that might experience
the same. I hate to say this next part because I am absolutely an advocate for
vetted, reputable, therapeutic services and to seek them when you need it and I
don't think I would have gotten to where I am today without them. However,
knowing what I know now, there are a lot of self-help books that exist that
offer much of what I learned through therapy over the years. While I probably
would not have done as well at opening my mind and my eyes to think and grow, I
think it would have helped had I been ready or at least started the process
required behind the changes needing to be made to grow my understanding. There is a
lot of content that exists that refers a lot to these concepts and topics as
well and maybe you can find some self-awareness and healing in those, but
I personally like for my sources to be reputable in the industry rather than
just taking what people say at face value without knowing their true intent or
credentials. There's a lot of clickbait out there. The book I absolutely recommend
that I started with when it comes to anxiety connecting with yourself and
starting the path to healing is called How to Do the Work by Nicole Lapera. To
date, I still haven't finished it because of how heavy it is. It's hard to get
through if you really sit and think about all the topics discussed and complete
the reflections in the homework. The content was parallel with a lot of what
I was learning during therapy, so it felt like a really reputable source at the
time, not to mention that the author is a registered psychologist, so I find that
very helpful. In wrapping this up, I want to thank you for your question. I hope I
was able to help in some way, some shape or form. If you found it helpful or you
just want to reach out, feel free to DM me on Instagram at Travel Nursing RN or
Wild Thing Podcast. I'm also open to accepting emails at my account Wild
ThingPod at gmail.com. Emails, of course, remain anonymous. I'm going to post a
couple links below so you can easily access the com app, the book I recommended,
and the yoga series on YouTube. Thanks for listening.