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I finally started the process of writing my novel, my memoir.

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It's really fucking hard, actually.

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I'm surprised, yet somehow not.

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It sounds strange to admit that sitting down and factually writing about the things that

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happened to me in my life that led me to where I'm at are not actually the painful parts.

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Even though I'm putting to paper things I've never admitted to anyone before, and may not

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have even journaled about with myself, maybe it's that I'm writing it out as a novel?

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It's first person, sure, but it reads a lot like a story.

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But we all know these moments that happen, they don't feel like stories as they happen,

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they're just everyday regular life.

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The hard part is my journals.

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I decided to dive back into my journals to gather further insight, identify themes on

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parts of my life that were crucial for my development, for my change.

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I don't have all the journals with me, and I realized this after I got far into the states,

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looking at the times and the dates.

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Of course, the ones I grabbed are in the thick of things when it was really tough.

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My first experience with big life changes and healing as an adult, post-diagnosis.

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It's where I started getting open and honest with myself in my journals.

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It's kind of funny how rudimentary it still is.

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I go over boring details of my life and I find I get bored reading it.

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But the more I read on, and as time passed, I became more emotionally aware, and I openly

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admit a lot of things in very vulnerable ways.

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I take critical looks at myself and notice my flaws.

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I have had a lot of growth since those times, and I absolutely credit this part of my life

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for that.

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I mean, I'm holding the evidence in my hands.

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It's fucking hard.

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It's hard to look at this objectively, because I get flashbacks of these periods in my life.

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I actually re-feel the things I've written.

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It makes it particularly heavy.

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Another thing is that I look at these written words and I just want to go back in time to

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hold myself, to offer myself reassurance, encouragement.

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You're doing this.

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You've got this.

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It pays off.

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I promise.

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It's an interesting feeling to read this and know that I do in fact make it out alive

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and know how this part of the story ends up.

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The part that I find most earth-shattering and painful is, some things haven't changed,

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some growth hasn't happened yet, and it leaves me feeling gutted.

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I now see the Christ for help I was sending out.

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I also notice a lot of these statements, these sentiments, were almost the exact same ones

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I continued to journal about not that long ago, as in, all this time before hitting the

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road where I describe my exhaustion, my overwhelm, in all the same ways.

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These journals, they're mid to late 2021.

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That's a long time to see that I've been continually stuck in this same space.

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That's the part I find most shocking as I record this.

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This has been such a long process, a long time coming and I didn't listen.

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I didn't acknowledge.

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I didn't even know what to do, how to help myself.

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I still don't.

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I can acknowledge that what I've done is remove myself from the stressors and the life that

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was likely slowly killing me, both physically and mentally.

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While this is helpful, it's also not going to change that the world around me will go

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on and that I am a part of it, whether I choose to live differently or not.

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The pause I'm in right now is fantastic.

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It's exactly what I needed, but there are ways in which it's not likely this will go

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on forever.

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I'll eventually need to find ways to support myself financially.

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The book, the podcast, there are ways I hope to make happen, but if there's delays or

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it doesn't catch on, I'm going to need to turn back to face the real world in some way,

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shape, or form.

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My therapist asked me if I was running away from anything.

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I said maybe, but I didn't think so.

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I know that I've been running for a long time.

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Much too long.

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I'm so tired of that.

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I know that I wasn't going to make progress or get anywhere with anything if I stayed

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where I wasn't thriving.

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I absolutely needed to leave for the pause.

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No distraction.

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This isn't uncommon as it turns out.

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Many creative types and authors often leave to find complete solitude to be able to focus

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exclusively on what it is they're trying to accomplish.

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This is how I see the space I'm in now.

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Enough self-awareness exists within me to understand that perhaps I did run, and perhaps

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I am running away now, but to which extent remains up for debate and is dependent on

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who you ask.

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Writing is actually really messy.

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I recall saying it's scary because there's no roadmap to follow, and it is scary, but

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I am learning it is a craft that is 100% tailored to me.

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I am writing my own roadmap for it.

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I write how I want, when I want.

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It's as messy as can be, as messy as I let it be, and it's 100% allowed.

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I dabble in online writing courses from time to time, and a lot of the things I'm learning,

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well, let's just say this is really suited to how my brain works, and I love that it's

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a creative endeavor that I can just go with it exactly how I want, and I have the power

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to dictate and complete a project exactly the way that works for me.

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This is so freeing and so damn doable.

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It makes me smile, actually.

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Maybe I've finally found something that I can make fit where I can make sense of it

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all.

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I just need to stop roadblocking myself, and just do the damn thing.