Though it's been only five days since I left home, it feels so much longer somehow.
The amount of freedom that has enveloped me with its entirety is indescribable.
All the negativity, the stress, the strain has drained out of my body in the most complete
fashion.
It's simply surreal.
Though I am not sitting here elated with a goofy grin on my face like a love-struck puppy,
I am calm, I am neutral.
I'm here, in the now, present within my body for the first time in, maybe ever.
What a strange concept.
Considering life should always be lived in the present, should it not?
Oh my god.
Was I ever even living in the present before?
This is what I'm realizing as I sit here recording this.
I am not sure if I have ever spent a moment of my life living in the present moment.
Most of my days were spent in constant fight or flight mode, at times just fawning, always
looking towards the future for it to get here, to escape from the present, to get even further
away from the past, all in hopes of finding a space that felt safe.
It was a constant state of stress, distress, that led me to thinking, I need to get the
fuck out of here, get me the fuck out of here.
It wasn't often that I would relax or chill either.
There were moments though, specifically with my partner, where I was able to be offered
a safe harbor, but I always knew that was temporary when the visit would end and just
brought me right back to where I'd always been.
This though, this doesn't feel temporary.
This doesn't look temporary.
I really, really need to make this work.
Like really.
Over the last few days, nothing has been more eye-opening.
In reflecting on this, I note that I am much more willing to be able to be productive when
I have the energy.
Even if I complete strenuous hikes in the morning, I find I can come back to my home
space filled with mental capacity and energy.
Normally, this wouldn't be the case.
As I mentioned before, 3pm rolls around and I was completely out of commission.
I'm certainly not out of the woods yet, and it's still too soon to tell how things will
unfold.
But to notice such a drastic shift, an enormous change within myself in only just a few days,
just imagine what a few weeks will do.
A few months even.
I wake up when I want to wake up.
When I need to wake up.
It's usually no later than 10.
Sleep feels so good.
I wake up rested and I take my time.
Breakfast enjoyed with, at times, a morning cup of coffee, sweetened by my favorite seasonally
available American creamer.
My morning routine.
My most favorite part of the day.
I reflect.
I journal.
I let myself come to my day naturally, something I've heard referred to as marinating in the
world of neurodiversity.
Physical activity and connection remains a high priority.
Depending where I am and the setup, it involves yoga, a workout, a hike, or a light walk.
I complete my daily meditation, usually.
I try not to skip more than two to three days a week, or I really start to feel it.
Then, a deliciously warm shower to shed the sweat and I am ready.
I find a comfortable seat and I get to work.
Work these days is unpaid and it involves prep work, recording, editing for the podcast,
brainstorming ideas, testing the waters.
I'm still really nervous, really new.
Insecurities have a way of creeping in and I worry, what if it doesn't work out?
What about this book I'm supposed to write?
Ugh, I need to get started.
Then I gently remind myself.
The first month was supposed to be your month of freedom, for rest.
That's priority above all.
If you have time and space for writing and creating, you can do so, but not at the risk
of falling backwards.
This is a reminder I need almost daily.
Work seems to come fairly easily, though.
Anywhere from one to five hours a day.
I know that I can step away and chill, relax, clear my mind if I want to, or if I need to.
If I'm tired and I don't want to, I do something else.
Sometimes it involves lounging around for a whole day.
It's a really good experience and I find I am proud of how productive I find myself to
be in this space, despite everything.
If this were something I could find a way to stick to and be compensated for, I'd be
over the moon.
This is really nice.
Let me enlighten you with what I'm currently learning about myself, about the human experience
I'm having since I've left the world of stress and hurt behind.
I have seen huge shifts and improvements in my physical self.
Though that sounds obvious, I notice even when I send a daily snap to my boyfriend.
Somehow I look changed.
It wasn't uncommon for me to experience body aches and pains on a regular basis.
I would require, more often than not, bi-weekly massages, and that would just be to try to
get on top of it.
Maintenance to keep the pain away seemed impossible to achieve at times.
Back and shoulder pain from holding myself tensely, worsening in stressful situations,
which would then cause shooting pains into my neck, into my head.
I struggled with hip pain, leg pain, and by the time I finished my contract, I could
be seen limping due to tightness and soreness in my right groin and hip.
It was so severe that at times I had to catch myself because my leg would threaten to give
out.
Stretching and foam rolling didn't help at all.
For my close friends and family, my GI issues, my gut issues were no secret.
Much of what I would consume would cause stomach aches, nausea, bloating, and I would look three
months pregnant.
And at the risk of too much information, I could not have normal bowel movements without
medicated aid.
Nearing the end, it was impossible without.
Prior to, it was possible, it just took a long time.
This issue has been impacting me for years, though I really started taking note five years
ago.
During the last five years, I saw naturopaths.
I worked with a dietitian to complete an elimination diet, multiple rounds of blood work, multiple
scopes, testing, all to be told, you're in the clear.
I couldn't live like that forever, but it seemed I was destined to.
The last specialist I saw advised me to just take metamucil up to two times a day and a
gentle laxative up to two times a day until I was having regular daily movements.
This was what was going to be the management plan for seemingly the rest of my life.
Probably irritable bowel syndrome, he suggested.
While this might sound odd to people without bowel issues, it caused extreme distress in
my life and has prevented me from being able to enjoy eating out with friends and some
pretty severe body dysmorphia.
The small frame in which I reside is easily affected by not having regular bowel movements
and being filled with air.
Already struggling with body image and insecurity, this is nothing short of a nightmare.
However, at the time of recording, I have managed to have four days worth of regular
bowel movements unassisted, no concerns, just a natural daily urge I am able to meet.
This hasn't happened in years, literally years.
Could it really be that the stress of my entire life was so severe and debilitating I've
caused myself this level of dysfunctionality?
I'm sure we can all agree, and we've heard it before, there's evidence of a gut-brain
connection linking your gut microbiome to your mental health and nervous system, but
is it possible?
I'm proving exactly that here and now.
I'm a living science experiment and I didn't even know that would be the case.
I have yet to see if this becomes a regular thing, but even four days in a row is a miracle.
If this continues, how the hell would I ever be able to allow myself to go back to what
any semblance of life was like before?
And what of emotional dysregulation, that which I suffered severely for years?
A diagnosis, medication, and coping mechanisms learned through therapy were surely helpful,
but it didn't allow it to completely go away.
I would still oscillate between calm and severe dysregulation, where I'd be unable
to calm myself, be present, cyclical thoughts that would never seem to end unless I distracted
myself by piling other things on top of the already existing heat.
My coping mechanism of choice?
Unfortunately, food.
I would resort to binge eating as a savior, my salvation.
And damn, did it feel so good in the moment.
Everything would melt away as the sugar hit my tongue.
I would have crazy periods of insatiable hunger, binge eating.
I would gain weight rapidly, feeling with shame.
I would cycle in the opposite direction, yo-yo dieting for years, though the last have seen
improvement and have been fairly stable due to medications and therapy.
In the last six months of my contract, I gained 10 pounds due to the dysregulation.
I was filled with shame.
I was so down on myself.
How could I let this happen again?
I had committed to myself, we were done with that, and now here we are again, not able
to get on top of my emotions, which then triggered the cycle again.
It didn't help that my coworkers were constantly mentioning, oh, you've gained weight.
Where it was likely they thought it was a compliment because it was often followed by,
you looked too skinny before.
It was actually just reinforcing the awareness I held deep down inside that I had failed
myself, that I was dysregulated, broken.
It was extremely painful to hear, to acknowledge, to feel through this.
I often wonder how many of those around me suffer in this same way, to know how I am
feeling and experience the same, that hide it so well, no one has any idea, but that
grief, that shame is so overpowering, where you feel utterly helpless, trapped.
You have absolutely no control over yourself, your urges, your direction.
It's like you're barreling towards a concrete barrier at 100 miles per hour and someone
cut the brake lines.
I think I'd be surprised to know the answer.
We are five days in, and I can acknowledge this surprising but absolutely reassuring
fact.
I have not had any of these urges come up.
The little aspects that I do find stressful are now good stressors, such as, how far do
I drive today?
Where should I camp next?
All pleasant dilemmas to have, contrary to the normal stressors of the life I am trying
to leave behind.
I have not yearned or urged for treats, snacks, or food in excess amounts.
I do not have uncontrollable hunger, or have any need to fight myself away from the candy
aisle.
I even have a stock of quick carbs that I bought for strenuous hikes and not once did
I think to myself, I desperately need to open that box and eat it all.
Oh my god.
What the fuck?
Have I been allowing myself to just live in a situation, an environment that has resulted
in this type of destruction to myself?
I'm just actually terrified to return to that life, I just don't see it as a doable
option anymore.
I fear I would return to that space, and the host of problems I am describing here that
are going away would return, hit me like a plague, last an eternity.
This is just so eye-opening.
It just propels me forward with more tenacity to make it possible for this to work.
I have to.
I have to make it work.
What if our gut being dysregulated is our body's final way of reaching out for help?
That it's exhausted all other options and the final attempt is to get you to physically
see that you need to pay attention and tend to the problem at hand.
Think about this.
The symptoms I describe to you that I have with relation to my gut system are all symptoms
that are objective, observable.
I can see them with my eyes.
You can see them if I show you and you look.
You can visibly see the bloating, the distention in my stomach, the gas is foul.
The stool contains colors and textures that it shouldn't, which are absolutely observable
to the human eye.
Lab work shows chronic levels of increased inflammation.
This isn't just a physical sensation I'm telling you about, it's real.
It's been acknowledged and validated by others.
However, our mental state is not visible by others, not even ourselves.
It's something we experience internally.
That is why it is so easy to sweep under the rug, by you, by others.
How common is this?
We ignore it.
It's a part of hustle culture and daily life.
We simply believe we cannot stop to tend to our mental garden because we just don't
have the time and it can't be that bad.
What if our body realizes we're ignoring its cues?
Its mental cues.
That we're not listening when it tells us we're tired and need to slow down.
The anxiety should be a warning, but we're avoiding it, ignoring it, not listening.
What if our body then acknowledges that we don't believe it and instead decides to show
us so that we can no longer ignore it because now it's visible in the form of directly observable
GI dysfunction.
It's shouting, look, look at this.
Can you see it now?
It's hurting up here.
Holy shit.
Mental health affects everything in your life, but me being able to put this together for
myself while reflecting on these experiences is blowing my mind.
The physical representations, muscle aches, pain, fatigue, migraine, rashes, a myriad
of GI issues.
Why haven't I listened before?
Why aren't we listening at all as a whole?
Think about the people around you that you know have gut issues in general.
Know that there's probably more of us than you are aware, most of which are more than
likely related to mental health.
So many people struggle on a regular basis with any number of these things, these symptoms,
never mind altogether all at once.
We're just living a life that accepts this as a normal fact of life in our society rather
than understanding and recognizing, no, I'm a human.
I deserve a good life that doesn't cause me this mental distress on a regular basis
that then turns into these physical debilitating issues.
If you get these symptoms, this is obviously not conducive to a healthy, plentiful life.
Why are we so stressed all the time?
It's not necessary.
Daily stress exists here and there, but constant chronic stress that causes breakdown of our
body?
Why do we so desperately want to belong in a society that is so backwards that it encourages
ignorance of our most basic human needs that our unconscious self is attempting to signal
to us in the most primitive of ways?
Let me guess, it's just how it is.
In other words, don't ask questions.
Or worse, what are you doing wrong that this is how it's affecting you because seemingly
everyone else is doing fine?
Here's a little secret.
I guarantee you they're not.
Can we just be honest for a second?
Sure, you can enjoy your job that resides within the social norms.
And there's no shame in that.
But the way it's structured within our society is the problem.
Some stress and difficulty is to be expected, as with anything.
But as a whole, it's so detrimental.
The level with which it impacts your body this way, this isn't healthy or successful.
When I think about this, I'm just genuinely shocked society hasn't collapsed and that
we just keep at it.
I see more and more people are posting memes jokingly in quotations about having mental
breakdowns, mental health decline, and we laugh.
But we know they're not jokes.
They're how we feel deep down inside.
It resonates with us.
We're just trapped in this system that isn't functional, just like our guts.
So I'm sitting here with this worry in the back of my mind.
Am I going to need to go back?
I truly believe I would have a panic attack if I get to the point where I need to walk
up to the hospital's front doors and walk in to complete a shift.
It's a mounting fear right now.
I don't know what I would do.
Especially if only five days of reprieve has offered me this significant amount of repair.
I know it seems extreme, but returning to a physically unsafe environment as it results
in the literal deterioration of my physical health does not seem logical whatsoever.
My last note is a reflection on the silence and what the last five days has opened my
eyes to.
I have now become a fan of silence.
I never knew I would be someone who wanted that.
In the past, I always required some level of background noise, something in my ears
even at a low volume just to hear in distinct chatter as I worked towards tasks.
Whether it was walking to work, chores, playing games on my phone, even sometimes I would
journal and I'd have to have something playing in the back.
But now I find that too much.
I want the silence and the quiet.
At times I need to turn podcasts or audiobooks off because they offer just too much noise.
I like the silence.
It's almost like I needed the noise to keep me from falling into the present, where the
present wasn't a safe space for me.
There was too much pressure to be present, but also to not be present.
Too much to do and keep up with.
Being guilty I wasn't being productive when I genuinely knew I needed and wanted to let
myself get the rest I deserved.
Maybe it was that before, in the silence, I couldn't ignore the screams I would hear
coming from inside shouting.
You need to change.
Get out.
This isn't safe.
Stop this.
You're not listening.
Five days in?
I don't mind the silence.
It doesn't feel unsafe.
The obligations that overwhelm me, they're gone.
Molded into things I want to do and what works best for me.
Even when I make a reservation.
So what if I don't make it on time?
It's just money.
What matters is how I feel.
And if I'm listening, am I feeling well enough?
Rested enough?
The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, where I am slowing down so much I don't allow
myself unnecessary stress.
Interesting.
This is a testament to how I've been impacted by stress, the wrong environments.
Even when I was off work between contracts, or for days off, my body knew it was just
a matter of time before I went back to that unsafe space.
It's not okay.
The fact that I've mentally let that go in the here and now, it is what it is.
I'm not going to let it be any more than that.
This is where I'm at right now.
Recognizing the colossal impacts this change has made on me in such a short time, in ways
I couldn't even imagine, in ways I didn't even think were possible.
I find myself feeling out so many new textures that are present in my life, and it's weird.
I'm going to continue exploring them as they come up, and tap into them, because I'm learning
that these are the reservoirs of energy that I need to fill back up, that I need to make
sure are level and stable at all times.
Probably similar to maintaining the oil levels in your vehicle.
You can't go below threshold or run on empty.
It'll damage your engine, and then you just end up shitscreek.
Just like your water bottle constantly being empty doesn't help you when you realize you're
thirsty.
I'm curious to find out more of what this means.
It's a very surprising and pleasant start to this journey, interesting and eye-opening
to be sure.
Let's see where this journey takes me from here on out, shall we?