1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,700 Though it's been only five days since I left home, it feels so much longer somehow. 2 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:14,140 The amount of freedom that has enveloped me with its entirety is indescribable. 3 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:20,580 All the negativity, the stress, the strain has drained out of my body in the most complete 4 00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:21,580 fashion. 5 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:23,760 It's simply surreal. 6 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:29,640 Though I am not sitting here elated with a goofy grin on my face like a love-struck puppy, 7 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,260 I am calm, I am neutral. 8 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:40,700 I'm here, in the now, present within my body for the first time in, maybe ever. 9 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,660 What a strange concept. 10 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:47,340 Considering life should always be lived in the present, should it not? 11 00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:48,500 Oh my god. 12 00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:52,580 Was I ever even living in the present before? 13 00:00:52,580 --> 00:00:56,580 This is what I'm realizing as I sit here recording this. 14 00:00:56,580 --> 00:01:03,660 I am not sure if I have ever spent a moment of my life living in the present moment. 15 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:10,180 Most of my days were spent in constant fight or flight mode, at times just fawning, always 16 00:01:10,180 --> 00:01:15,940 looking towards the future for it to get here, to escape from the present, to get even further 17 00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:21,060 away from the past, all in hopes of finding a space that felt safe. 18 00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:26,460 It was a constant state of stress, distress, that led me to thinking, I need to get the 19 00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:29,140 fuck out of here, get me the fuck out of here. 20 00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:32,700 It wasn't often that I would relax or chill either. 21 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:37,660 There were moments though, specifically with my partner, where I was able to be offered 22 00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:42,540 a safe harbor, but I always knew that was temporary when the visit would end and just 23 00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:45,460 brought me right back to where I'd always been. 24 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:48,620 This though, this doesn't feel temporary. 25 00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:50,980 This doesn't look temporary. 26 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:54,700 I really, really need to make this work. 27 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,380 Like really. 28 00:01:56,380 --> 00:02:00,340 Over the last few days, nothing has been more eye-opening. 29 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:05,580 In reflecting on this, I note that I am much more willing to be able to be productive when 30 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:07,440 I have the energy. 31 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:12,300 Even if I complete strenuous hikes in the morning, I find I can come back to my home 32 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,860 space filled with mental capacity and energy. 33 00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:18,340 Normally, this wouldn't be the case. 34 00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:23,300 As I mentioned before, 3pm rolls around and I was completely out of commission. 35 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:28,460 I'm certainly not out of the woods yet, and it's still too soon to tell how things will 36 00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:29,460 unfold. 37 00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:36,060 But to notice such a drastic shift, an enormous change within myself in only just a few days, 38 00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:38,340 just imagine what a few weeks will do. 39 00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:40,340 A few months even. 40 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,580 I wake up when I want to wake up. 41 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:43,860 When I need to wake up. 42 00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:46,020 It's usually no later than 10. 43 00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:47,780 Sleep feels so good. 44 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:51,100 I wake up rested and I take my time. 45 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:57,340 Breakfast enjoyed with, at times, a morning cup of coffee, sweetened by my favorite seasonally 46 00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,620 available American creamer. 47 00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:01,100 My morning routine. 48 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,180 My most favorite part of the day. 49 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,180 I reflect. 50 00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:05,180 I journal. 51 00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:11,220 I let myself come to my day naturally, something I've heard referred to as marinating in the 52 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:14,060 world of neurodiversity. 53 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,540 Physical activity and connection remains a high priority. 54 00:03:17,540 --> 00:03:23,660 Depending where I am and the setup, it involves yoga, a workout, a hike, or a light walk. 55 00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:26,660 I complete my daily meditation, usually. 56 00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:31,260 I try not to skip more than two to three days a week, or I really start to feel it. 57 00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:36,180 Then, a deliciously warm shower to shed the sweat and I am ready. 58 00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:39,380 I find a comfortable seat and I get to work. 59 00:03:39,380 --> 00:03:45,260 Work these days is unpaid and it involves prep work, recording, editing for the podcast, 60 00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:48,260 brainstorming ideas, testing the waters. 61 00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:50,700 I'm still really nervous, really new. 62 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:55,420 Insecurities have a way of creeping in and I worry, what if it doesn't work out? 63 00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:57,540 What about this book I'm supposed to write? 64 00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:00,500 Ugh, I need to get started. 65 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,740 Then I gently remind myself. 66 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:06,380 The first month was supposed to be your month of freedom, for rest. 67 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,060 That's priority above all. 68 00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:12,460 If you have time and space for writing and creating, you can do so, but not at the risk 69 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,180 of falling backwards. 70 00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:17,660 This is a reminder I need almost daily. 71 00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:20,180 Work seems to come fairly easily, though. 72 00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,740 Anywhere from one to five hours a day. 73 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:29,380 I know that I can step away and chill, relax, clear my mind if I want to, or if I need to. 74 00:04:29,380 --> 00:04:33,260 If I'm tired and I don't want to, I do something else. 75 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:36,300 Sometimes it involves lounging around for a whole day. 76 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:41,420 It's a really good experience and I find I am proud of how productive I find myself to 77 00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:44,780 be in this space, despite everything. 78 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:50,300 If this were something I could find a way to stick to and be compensated for, I'd be 79 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:51,620 over the moon. 80 00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:53,540 This is really nice. 81 00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:58,700 Let me enlighten you with what I'm currently learning about myself, about the human experience 82 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:03,500 I'm having since I've left the world of stress and hurt behind. 83 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:08,540 I have seen huge shifts and improvements in my physical self. 84 00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:14,700 Though that sounds obvious, I notice even when I send a daily snap to my boyfriend. 85 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,740 Somehow I look changed. 86 00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:22,220 It wasn't uncommon for me to experience body aches and pains on a regular basis. 87 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:27,140 I would require, more often than not, bi-weekly massages, and that would just be to try to 88 00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,780 get on top of it. 89 00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:33,500 Maintenance to keep the pain away seemed impossible to achieve at times. 90 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:38,780 Back and shoulder pain from holding myself tensely, worsening in stressful situations, 91 00:05:38,780 --> 00:05:42,660 which would then cause shooting pains into my neck, into my head. 92 00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:47,820 I struggled with hip pain, leg pain, and by the time I finished my contract, I could 93 00:05:47,820 --> 00:05:52,540 be seen limping due to tightness and soreness in my right groin and hip. 94 00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:57,340 It was so severe that at times I had to catch myself because my leg would threaten to give 95 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,340 out. 96 00:05:58,340 --> 00:06:00,780 Stretching and foam rolling didn't help at all. 97 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:06,740 For my close friends and family, my GI issues, my gut issues were no secret. 98 00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:11,820 Much of what I would consume would cause stomach aches, nausea, bloating, and I would look three 99 00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:12,820 months pregnant. 100 00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:18,020 And at the risk of too much information, I could not have normal bowel movements without 101 00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:20,060 medicated aid. 102 00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:22,940 Nearing the end, it was impossible without. 103 00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:26,820 Prior to, it was possible, it just took a long time. 104 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:32,180 This issue has been impacting me for years, though I really started taking note five years 105 00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:33,940 ago. 106 00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:37,260 During the last five years, I saw naturopaths. 107 00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:43,580 I worked with a dietitian to complete an elimination diet, multiple rounds of blood work, multiple 108 00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:47,260 scopes, testing, all to be told, you're in the clear. 109 00:06:47,260 --> 00:06:51,260 I couldn't live like that forever, but it seemed I was destined to. 110 00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:56,540 The last specialist I saw advised me to just take metamucil up to two times a day and a 111 00:06:56,540 --> 00:07:02,140 gentle laxative up to two times a day until I was having regular daily movements. 112 00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:07,500 This was what was going to be the management plan for seemingly the rest of my life. 113 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:11,540 Probably irritable bowel syndrome, he suggested. 114 00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:16,860 While this might sound odd to people without bowel issues, it caused extreme distress in 115 00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:21,580 my life and has prevented me from being able to enjoy eating out with friends and some 116 00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:24,380 pretty severe body dysmorphia. 117 00:07:24,380 --> 00:07:29,660 The small frame in which I reside is easily affected by not having regular bowel movements 118 00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:32,140 and being filled with air. 119 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:37,020 Already struggling with body image and insecurity, this is nothing short of a nightmare. 120 00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:43,300 However, at the time of recording, I have managed to have four days worth of regular 121 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:51,140 bowel movements unassisted, no concerns, just a natural daily urge I am able to meet. 122 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:56,140 This hasn't happened in years, literally years. 123 00:07:56,140 --> 00:08:02,020 Could it really be that the stress of my entire life was so severe and debilitating I've 124 00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:05,540 caused myself this level of dysfunctionality? 125 00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:09,900 I'm sure we can all agree, and we've heard it before, there's evidence of a gut-brain 126 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:14,820 connection linking your gut microbiome to your mental health and nervous system, but 127 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:16,260 is it possible? 128 00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:19,620 I'm proving exactly that here and now. 129 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:25,220 I'm a living science experiment and I didn't even know that would be the case. 130 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:30,860 I have yet to see if this becomes a regular thing, but even four days in a row is a miracle. 131 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:36,020 If this continues, how the hell would I ever be able to allow myself to go back to what 132 00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:39,220 any semblance of life was like before? 133 00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:45,060 And what of emotional dysregulation, that which I suffered severely for years? 134 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:50,940 A diagnosis, medication, and coping mechanisms learned through therapy were surely helpful, 135 00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:53,580 but it didn't allow it to completely go away. 136 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:58,500 I would still oscillate between calm and severe dysregulation, where I'd be unable 137 00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:04,140 to calm myself, be present, cyclical thoughts that would never seem to end unless I distracted 138 00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:08,420 myself by piling other things on top of the already existing heat. 139 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,700 My coping mechanism of choice? 140 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,380 Unfortunately, food. 141 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:16,060 I would resort to binge eating as a savior, my salvation. 142 00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:19,660 And damn, did it feel so good in the moment. 143 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:22,300 Everything would melt away as the sugar hit my tongue. 144 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:26,420 I would have crazy periods of insatiable hunger, binge eating. 145 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:29,380 I would gain weight rapidly, feeling with shame. 146 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:34,540 I would cycle in the opposite direction, yo-yo dieting for years, though the last have seen 147 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:39,260 improvement and have been fairly stable due to medications and therapy. 148 00:09:39,260 --> 00:09:44,340 In the last six months of my contract, I gained 10 pounds due to the dysregulation. 149 00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:45,900 I was filled with shame. 150 00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:48,660 I was so down on myself. 151 00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,860 How could I let this happen again? 152 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:55,500 I had committed to myself, we were done with that, and now here we are again, not able 153 00:09:55,500 --> 00:10:00,140 to get on top of my emotions, which then triggered the cycle again. 154 00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:05,220 It didn't help that my coworkers were constantly mentioning, oh, you've gained weight. 155 00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:09,500 Where it was likely they thought it was a compliment because it was often followed by, 156 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:11,580 you looked too skinny before. 157 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:16,100 It was actually just reinforcing the awareness I held deep down inside that I had failed 158 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:20,340 myself, that I was dysregulated, broken. 159 00:10:20,340 --> 00:10:25,060 It was extremely painful to hear, to acknowledge, to feel through this. 160 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:29,740 I often wonder how many of those around me suffer in this same way, to know how I am 161 00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:36,460 feeling and experience the same, that hide it so well, no one has any idea, but that 162 00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:43,660 grief, that shame is so overpowering, where you feel utterly helpless, trapped. 163 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:49,580 You have absolutely no control over yourself, your urges, your direction. 164 00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:53,820 It's like you're barreling towards a concrete barrier at 100 miles per hour and someone 165 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,180 cut the brake lines. 166 00:10:56,180 --> 00:10:59,900 I think I'd be surprised to know the answer. 167 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:04,980 We are five days in, and I can acknowledge this surprising but absolutely reassuring 168 00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,100 fact. 169 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,380 I have not had any of these urges come up. 170 00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:14,940 The little aspects that I do find stressful are now good stressors, such as, how far do 171 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,020 I drive today? 172 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:18,780 Where should I camp next? 173 00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:22,900 All pleasant dilemmas to have, contrary to the normal stressors of the life I am trying 174 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,740 to leave behind. 175 00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:30,660 I have not yearned or urged for treats, snacks, or food in excess amounts. 176 00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:35,540 I do not have uncontrollable hunger, or have any need to fight myself away from the candy 177 00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:36,540 aisle. 178 00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:41,500 I even have a stock of quick carbs that I bought for strenuous hikes and not once did 179 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:45,500 I think to myself, I desperately need to open that box and eat it all. 180 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,500 Oh my god. 181 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,620 What the fuck? 182 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:54,140 Have I been allowing myself to just live in a situation, an environment that has resulted 183 00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:56,420 in this type of destruction to myself? 184 00:11:56,420 --> 00:12:00,860 I'm just actually terrified to return to that life, I just don't see it as a doable 185 00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:02,360 option anymore. 186 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:07,500 I fear I would return to that space, and the host of problems I am describing here that 187 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:13,380 are going away would return, hit me like a plague, last an eternity. 188 00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:15,500 This is just so eye-opening. 189 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:19,780 It just propels me forward with more tenacity to make it possible for this to work. 190 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,820 I have to. 191 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,100 I have to make it work. 192 00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:30,780 What if our gut being dysregulated is our body's final way of reaching out for help? 193 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:35,700 That it's exhausted all other options and the final attempt is to get you to physically 194 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:40,380 see that you need to pay attention and tend to the problem at hand. 195 00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:41,460 Think about this. 196 00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:47,260 The symptoms I describe to you that I have with relation to my gut system are all symptoms 197 00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,860 that are objective, observable. 198 00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:52,140 I can see them with my eyes. 199 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,780 You can see them if I show you and you look. 200 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:59,940 You can visibly see the bloating, the distention in my stomach, the gas is foul. 201 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:05,060 The stool contains colors and textures that it shouldn't, which are absolutely observable 202 00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:06,500 to the human eye. 203 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:10,180 Lab work shows chronic levels of increased inflammation. 204 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:14,180 This isn't just a physical sensation I'm telling you about, it's real. 205 00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:17,500 It's been acknowledged and validated by others. 206 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:22,980 However, our mental state is not visible by others, not even ourselves. 207 00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:25,820 It's something we experience internally. 208 00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:30,860 That is why it is so easy to sweep under the rug, by you, by others. 209 00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:32,340 How common is this? 210 00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:33,340 We ignore it. 211 00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:36,060 It's a part of hustle culture and daily life. 212 00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:40,020 We simply believe we cannot stop to tend to our mental garden because we just don't 213 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,820 have the time and it can't be that bad. 214 00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:46,740 What if our body realizes we're ignoring its cues? 215 00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:48,340 Its mental cues. 216 00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:52,340 That we're not listening when it tells us we're tired and need to slow down. 217 00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:59,420 The anxiety should be a warning, but we're avoiding it, ignoring it, not listening. 218 00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:04,460 What if our body then acknowledges that we don't believe it and instead decides to show 219 00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:11,620 us so that we can no longer ignore it because now it's visible in the form of directly observable 220 00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:13,460 GI dysfunction. 221 00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:15,620 It's shouting, look, look at this. 222 00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:16,620 Can you see it now? 223 00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:18,620 It's hurting up here. 224 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,620 Holy shit. 225 00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:24,980 Mental health affects everything in your life, but me being able to put this together for 226 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:29,740 myself while reflecting on these experiences is blowing my mind. 227 00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:36,300 The physical representations, muscle aches, pain, fatigue, migraine, rashes, a myriad 228 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:38,140 of GI issues. 229 00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,380 Why haven't I listened before? 230 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:44,320 Why aren't we listening at all as a whole? 231 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:50,020 Think about the people around you that you know have gut issues in general. 232 00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:54,500 Know that there's probably more of us than you are aware, most of which are more than 233 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,140 likely related to mental health. 234 00:14:57,140 --> 00:15:03,420 So many people struggle on a regular basis with any number of these things, these symptoms, 235 00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:06,380 never mind altogether all at once. 236 00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:11,560 We're just living a life that accepts this as a normal fact of life in our society rather 237 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,940 than understanding and recognizing, no, I'm a human. 238 00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:20,220 I deserve a good life that doesn't cause me this mental distress on a regular basis 239 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:24,580 that then turns into these physical debilitating issues. 240 00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:30,300 If you get these symptoms, this is obviously not conducive to a healthy, plentiful life. 241 00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,540 Why are we so stressed all the time? 242 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,220 It's not necessary. 243 00:15:34,220 --> 00:15:39,820 Daily stress exists here and there, but constant chronic stress that causes breakdown of our 244 00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:41,180 body? 245 00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:46,380 Why do we so desperately want to belong in a society that is so backwards that it encourages 246 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:52,460 ignorance of our most basic human needs that our unconscious self is attempting to signal 247 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:55,540 to us in the most primitive of ways? 248 00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:57,740 Let me guess, it's just how it is. 249 00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:00,140 In other words, don't ask questions. 250 00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:05,100 Or worse, what are you doing wrong that this is how it's affecting you because seemingly 251 00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,460 everyone else is doing fine? 252 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:08,820 Here's a little secret. 253 00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,140 I guarantee you they're not. 254 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:13,500 Can we just be honest for a second? 255 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:17,740 Sure, you can enjoy your job that resides within the social norms. 256 00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:19,540 And there's no shame in that. 257 00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:23,480 But the way it's structured within our society is the problem. 258 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,060 Some stress and difficulty is to be expected, as with anything. 259 00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:29,540 But as a whole, it's so detrimental. 260 00:16:29,540 --> 00:16:35,180 The level with which it impacts your body this way, this isn't healthy or successful. 261 00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:39,340 When I think about this, I'm just genuinely shocked society hasn't collapsed and that 262 00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:41,260 we just keep at it. 263 00:16:41,260 --> 00:16:47,460 I see more and more people are posting memes jokingly in quotations about having mental 264 00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:51,220 breakdowns, mental health decline, and we laugh. 265 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,860 But we know they're not jokes. 266 00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,820 They're how we feel deep down inside. 267 00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:56,620 It resonates with us. 268 00:16:56,620 --> 00:17:01,900 We're just trapped in this system that isn't functional, just like our guts. 269 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:05,820 So I'm sitting here with this worry in the back of my mind. 270 00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:07,860 Am I going to need to go back? 271 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:13,180 I truly believe I would have a panic attack if I get to the point where I need to walk 272 00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:17,700 up to the hospital's front doors and walk in to complete a shift. 273 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,540 It's a mounting fear right now. 274 00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,780 I don't know what I would do. 275 00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:29,260 Especially if only five days of reprieve has offered me this significant amount of repair. 276 00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:34,940 I know it seems extreme, but returning to a physically unsafe environment as it results 277 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:42,460 in the literal deterioration of my physical health does not seem logical whatsoever. 278 00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:47,820 My last note is a reflection on the silence and what the last five days has opened my 279 00:17:47,820 --> 00:17:49,100 eyes to. 280 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:52,060 I have now become a fan of silence. 281 00:17:52,060 --> 00:17:55,020 I never knew I would be someone who wanted that. 282 00:17:55,020 --> 00:18:00,060 In the past, I always required some level of background noise, something in my ears 283 00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:05,340 even at a low volume just to hear in distinct chatter as I worked towards tasks. 284 00:18:05,340 --> 00:18:09,900 Whether it was walking to work, chores, playing games on my phone, even sometimes I would 285 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:13,300 journal and I'd have to have something playing in the back. 286 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,340 But now I find that too much. 287 00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:18,300 I want the silence and the quiet. 288 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:23,700 At times I need to turn podcasts or audiobooks off because they offer just too much noise. 289 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,460 I like the silence. 290 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:29,660 It's almost like I needed the noise to keep me from falling into the present, where the 291 00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,300 present wasn't a safe space for me. 292 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,220 There was too much pressure to be present, but also to not be present. 293 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:37,820 Too much to do and keep up with. 294 00:18:37,820 --> 00:18:42,420 Being guilty I wasn't being productive when I genuinely knew I needed and wanted to let 295 00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:45,100 myself get the rest I deserved. 296 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:49,700 Maybe it was that before, in the silence, I couldn't ignore the screams I would hear 297 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,700 coming from inside shouting. 298 00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:52,980 You need to change. 299 00:18:52,980 --> 00:18:53,980 Get out. 300 00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:54,980 This isn't safe. 301 00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:55,980 Stop this. 302 00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:56,980 You're not listening. 303 00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:57,980 Five days in? 304 00:18:57,980 --> 00:18:59,300 I don't mind the silence. 305 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,860 It doesn't feel unsafe. 306 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:03,740 The obligations that overwhelm me, they're gone. 307 00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:07,900 Molded into things I want to do and what works best for me. 308 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,740 Even when I make a reservation. 309 00:19:09,740 --> 00:19:11,460 So what if I don't make it on time? 310 00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:12,540 It's just money. 311 00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:14,300 What matters is how I feel. 312 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,220 And if I'm listening, am I feeling well enough? 313 00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:18,420 Rested enough? 314 00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:23,420 The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, where I am slowing down so much I don't allow 315 00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:26,180 myself unnecessary stress. 316 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:27,780 Interesting. 317 00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:32,900 This is a testament to how I've been impacted by stress, the wrong environments. 318 00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:37,620 Even when I was off work between contracts, or for days off, my body knew it was just 319 00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:41,260 a matter of time before I went back to that unsafe space. 320 00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,820 It's not okay. 321 00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:47,220 The fact that I've mentally let that go in the here and now, it is what it is. 322 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:50,500 I'm not going to let it be any more than that. 323 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,580 This is where I'm at right now. 324 00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:57,260 Recognizing the colossal impacts this change has made on me in such a short time, in ways 325 00:19:57,260 --> 00:20:01,660 I couldn't even imagine, in ways I didn't even think were possible. 326 00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:08,540 I find myself feeling out so many new textures that are present in my life, and it's weird. 327 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:14,020 I'm going to continue exploring them as they come up, and tap into them, because I'm learning 328 00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:18,540 that these are the reservoirs of energy that I need to fill back up, that I need to make 329 00:20:18,540 --> 00:20:22,060 sure are level and stable at all times. 330 00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:25,340 Probably similar to maintaining the oil levels in your vehicle. 331 00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:28,060 You can't go below threshold or run on empty. 332 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,460 It'll damage your engine, and then you just end up shitscreek. 333 00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:35,660 Just like your water bottle constantly being empty doesn't help you when you realize you're 334 00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:36,660 thirsty. 335 00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:39,260 I'm curious to find out more of what this means. 336 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:43,860 It's a very surprising and pleasant start to this journey, interesting and eye-opening 337 00:20:43,860 --> 00:20:44,860 to be sure. 338 00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:59,020 Let's see where this journey takes me from here on out, shall we?