I just had my first therapy session, which was a gentle check-in.
It has been a while, at least, since February 2024, she reminded me.
I remember I wasn't in a really great place at the time.
I'll share more about that later.
I recognize I do fairly well at managing myself, but it never hurts to get a bit of reassurance.
Do a check-in, and here's some gentle reminders that I have the information I need that I'm
doing well.
Sometimes, it's about getting reassurance in ways that others around you are not able
to provide.
Sometimes, hearing that from someone who's a neutral source is so helpful.
Someone who has been there since the beginning.
An objective viewpoint.
Seeing where you've been, and where you now sit.
That's why it's so important to have a really good therapist, with whom you have a great
connection that can offer you guidance in the way that you accept it best.
The way that it works for you.
We all have different teaching and learning styles, in the same way we all have different
therapeutic effectiveness styles, if you will.
It resulted in a really good cry throughout all of it, and sometimes it's really nice
to just express these emotions.
I had mentioned feeling lost at the beginning, and by the end, after having gone over everything
I had wanted to, she pointed out, I do not in fact seem lost.
I suppose that perspective, or thought, came from a place of uncertainty.
Foraging forward, down a path that has no road map, and then I don't know how it will
end up looking like.
The goal is fairly clear though, so I have a good gauge on the general direction in which
I need to go forth.
I am now 8 days with a regulated GI system.
Today, I feel a bit of a struggle, in the sense I just don't know where I want to put
my attention.
The fatigue remains present, but it is also absent.
I am restless, but also unmotivated to be stressed out about a to-do list.
The to-do list is entirely in my control, and has no specific deadline.
It's a good time to pause, and to remind myself that rest is the priority.
It doesn't have to look like sleep and naps.
It can look like starting a new book.
Lounging.
I want to go explore and hike, but I also do not want to explore and hike.
It's a weird space to be, so I think the best thing I can do is to just let it be.
I have come to the realization that what I had felt I would learn about myself on this
journey is in fact going to turn out to be much deeper and much different than anticipated.
I am still in a space where I welcome silence, of course.
It's only been 5 days since I mentioned this, so it's not a surprise it hasn't changed.
Yesterday, I was brave and committed to completing my yoga routine outdoors, even with an audience.
I thought to myself, I am the one who cares too much about other people, while the other
people will at worst look over and notice it's happening and then move on with their
lives.
A time in place where I remind myself that people are more focused on themselves than
others, as evidenced by my own personal fears.
Of course, the fear was a bit more involved than simply being watched.
My campsite neighbors for the past few days have been 5 younger guys on a camping trip.
I am a young, attractive female, alone in this campground.
I don't think I need to further explain the risks and dynamics here, but it did make me
hyper aware of how alone I was.
Thankfully, other people came and went throughout the weekend.
Everything was fine.
There was absolutely no interaction.
It's just a testament to what the experience of a female is like in the world as we know
it, unfortunately.
A place where you always need to be hyper aware of your surroundings and who's in it.
I have been toying with a thought in my mind, a little teaser, if you will, something I
need to explore further in the near future more than likely.
I often refer to myself as weird and different than the norm.
While I don't overly think this is bad, it might not be good either.
A lot of my fears stem from judgments that I hold, apply to myself first and foremost.
Often times, others aren't actually holding these judgments of me.
I just fear that they will, assume they will, and then in turn inflict them upon myself.
What if this also applies to the labels that I use to describe myself?
What if I further alienate myself to myself by referring to myself in this way?
I believe manifesting is a real thing.
What we put out into the world is what we attract, whether it be statements made verbally
or jotted down in a journal.
When my therapist reminded me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, Marcel.
You're not weird or abnormal.
Something clicked inside that made me go, huh, what if she's right?
What if I'm not weird or abnormal?
I am different, sure, in the way that each person on earth is an individual and different
from one another.
But maybe in putting it out there, that I am weird and different, I am forcing myself
to be alienated from others, forcing it upon others as well.
Each time it's verbalized could be a way where I am unknowingly enforcing it, telling
people this is what I am, in the same way I could tell someone I identify as female.
For a long time, I opted to romanticize the idea of weird and abnormal as being preferred,
that it makes life interesting.
It gives me special powers that the boring normal people don't have.
I begin to suspect that this may be a defense mechanism.
To create a logical reason that helps me understand why I was the target of bullying
in childhood.
It's possible that it doesn't really matter the reasons why, or that I will never understand
the why.
I may just have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that if it hadn't been
me standing there, it would have been someone else.
Incapable of this perspective, I found myself internalizing it, agonizing over these aches
and pains for years, stuffing some of that building material into the mold that created
who I am today.
It's all a part of me, whether I care to admit it or not.
Perhaps though, I am bullying myself now by using these terms to describe myself to others.
I think about it, and notice I don't often use these terms when I am describing myself
in an endearing way.
It shows up when I discuss mistakes I've made, if I've tripped over my words, or feel
I said something imperfect, silly, or stupid.
Something trivial, really.
In times where I feel ashamed to admit a hobby I enjoy that isn't quite common, a
perspective that isn't often shared as a consensus, maybe it allows me a wall to hide
behind, an excuse.
Like oh, don't mind me, I'm just weird and abnormal, so that if you are to judge me,
just know there's a reason.
But that's a really shameful thing in itself, and tells me I have a lot of work left to
do.
I don't need to be ashamed of who I am, the things I love that may not be popular, the
ideas and opinions I have that are not commonly shared among a specific group that I more
than likely do not see eye to eye with.
I want to be able to proudly express who I am, confidently, aware that my habits, my
hobbies, my passions are simply unique attributes that I bring into the world, parts of my individuality
that allow for interesting differences to exist among us as humans.
A few sessions ago with my therapist, she mentioned she believes I was in a space where
I need to practice the concept of acceptance, that things are what they are and we should
be making the best of them, the most of what we're given, being proud of where I have
come along my journey, that it will never be perfect, but it could be perfect, the right
space for me should I choose to allow it to be.
I do believe she is right and was on to something all those months ago.
I agreed with her at the time, even subconsciously before we had that meeting, I had already gotten
a tattoo that showed this growth in my mental patterns.
A quote that I love, crawls up my arm from a certain George Elliot that says, Our deeds
still travel with us from afar, and what we have been makes us what we are.
I can't run from my past, it's a part of me, though messy and painful, I wouldn't
be standing where I am right now.
Today, if the things that had happened to me, even the painful ones, hadn't happened
exactly as they did.
Living in shame about the behaviors and actions I exhibited in the past, pretending they don't
exist, will not make them go away, nor will it absolve me of any of those things.
It will just fester in the vat of shame that exists within me, and I will never be set
free.
I would never look back on me as a child, if I was my own parent, and shame myself for
the natural responses I had when I was hurting, when I was learning.
I would hold myself close, reassure myself.
The thing is, while I was so focused on my own painful experience in this realm, there
was so many others who were experiencing parallel journeys.
Realistically, while growing up, we all experienced some form of bullying.
Growing up is messy.
You're learning how to love, trust, navigate your way through the world, experiencing intense
emotions for the first time.
Wondering if you'll make it out alive.
The pain hurts so much sometimes, it seems impossible.
I wasn't the only one living this.
We all were.
I think I will spend today giving myself extra love and compassion for this fact alone.
I will also send some out into the world, for anyone who may need a little bit extra
today as well.
So this is something I plan to further explore, journaling, so that I can start to set some
of these things free.
Change the narrative for myself and wear who I am proudly for all to see.
A note to self.
You are magical.
Your existence itself is a rare, lucky combination of the right genetic combination at the right
moment in time.
You exist as you are for a reason.
You are whole, even within securities, flaws, and a checkered past.
None of this makes you less than.
All of this may even make you more, more lovable, more inspirational, more human, more real.
You would never judge a friend or a loved one for having been hurt or shamed in the past.
Are you not your own friend?
Remember this.
Remind yourself whenever you may need.
You deserve the kindness that you give others.
You are able to love so deeply, share your empathy, and see others as they are because
of what you've injured, because of all that you are.
And all that you are is absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable.