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I just had my first therapy session, which was a gentle check-in.

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It has been a while, at least, since February 2024, she reminded me.

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I remember I wasn't in a really great place at the time.

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I'll share more about that later.

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I recognize I do fairly well at managing myself, but it never hurts to get a bit of reassurance.

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Do a check-in, and here's some gentle reminders that I have the information I need that I'm

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doing well.

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Sometimes, it's about getting reassurance in ways that others around you are not able

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to provide.

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Sometimes, hearing that from someone who's a neutral source is so helpful.

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Someone who has been there since the beginning.

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An objective viewpoint.

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Seeing where you've been, and where you now sit.

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That's why it's so important to have a really good therapist, with whom you have a great

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connection that can offer you guidance in the way that you accept it best.

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The way that it works for you.

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We all have different teaching and learning styles, in the same way we all have different

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therapeutic effectiveness styles, if you will.

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It resulted in a really good cry throughout all of it, and sometimes it's really nice

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to just express these emotions.

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I had mentioned feeling lost at the beginning, and by the end, after having gone over everything

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I had wanted to, she pointed out, I do not in fact seem lost.

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I suppose that perspective, or thought, came from a place of uncertainty.

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Foraging forward, down a path that has no road map, and then I don't know how it will

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end up looking like.

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The goal is fairly clear though, so I have a good gauge on the general direction in which

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I need to go forth.

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I am now 8 days with a regulated GI system.

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Today, I feel a bit of a struggle, in the sense I just don't know where I want to put

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my attention.

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The fatigue remains present, but it is also absent.

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I am restless, but also unmotivated to be stressed out about a to-do list.

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The to-do list is entirely in my control, and has no specific deadline.

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It's a good time to pause, and to remind myself that rest is the priority.

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It doesn't have to look like sleep and naps.

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It can look like starting a new book.

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Lounging.

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I want to go explore and hike, but I also do not want to explore and hike.

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It's a weird space to be, so I think the best thing I can do is to just let it be.

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I have come to the realization that what I had felt I would learn about myself on this

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journey is in fact going to turn out to be much deeper and much different than anticipated.

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I am still in a space where I welcome silence, of course.

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It's only been 5 days since I mentioned this, so it's not a surprise it hasn't changed.

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Yesterday, I was brave and committed to completing my yoga routine outdoors, even with an audience.

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I thought to myself, I am the one who cares too much about other people, while the other

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people will at worst look over and notice it's happening and then move on with their

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lives.

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A time in place where I remind myself that people are more focused on themselves than

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others, as evidenced by my own personal fears.

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Of course, the fear was a bit more involved than simply being watched.

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My campsite neighbors for the past few days have been 5 younger guys on a camping trip.

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I am a young, attractive female, alone in this campground.

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I don't think I need to further explain the risks and dynamics here, but it did make me

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hyper aware of how alone I was.

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Thankfully, other people came and went throughout the weekend.

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Everything was fine.

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There was absolutely no interaction.

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It's just a testament to what the experience of a female is like in the world as we know

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it, unfortunately.

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A place where you always need to be hyper aware of your surroundings and who's in it.

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I have been toying with a thought in my mind, a little teaser, if you will, something I

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need to explore further in the near future more than likely.

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I often refer to myself as weird and different than the norm.

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While I don't overly think this is bad, it might not be good either.

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A lot of my fears stem from judgments that I hold, apply to myself first and foremost.

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Often times, others aren't actually holding these judgments of me.

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I just fear that they will, assume they will, and then in turn inflict them upon myself.

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What if this also applies to the labels that I use to describe myself?

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What if I further alienate myself to myself by referring to myself in this way?

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I believe manifesting is a real thing.

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What we put out into the world is what we attract, whether it be statements made verbally

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or jotted down in a journal.

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When my therapist reminded me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, Marcel.

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You're not weird or abnormal.

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Something clicked inside that made me go, huh, what if she's right?

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What if I'm not weird or abnormal?

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I am different, sure, in the way that each person on earth is an individual and different

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from one another.

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But maybe in putting it out there, that I am weird and different, I am forcing myself

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to be alienated from others, forcing it upon others as well.

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Each time it's verbalized could be a way where I am unknowingly enforcing it, telling

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people this is what I am, in the same way I could tell someone I identify as female.

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For a long time, I opted to romanticize the idea of weird and abnormal as being preferred,

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that it makes life interesting.

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It gives me special powers that the boring normal people don't have.

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I begin to suspect that this may be a defense mechanism.

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To create a logical reason that helps me understand why I was the target of bullying

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in childhood.

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It's possible that it doesn't really matter the reasons why, or that I will never understand

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the why.

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I may just have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that if it hadn't been

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me standing there, it would have been someone else.

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Incapable of this perspective, I found myself internalizing it, agonizing over these aches

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and pains for years, stuffing some of that building material into the mold that created

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who I am today.

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It's all a part of me, whether I care to admit it or not.

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Perhaps though, I am bullying myself now by using these terms to describe myself to others.

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I think about it, and notice I don't often use these terms when I am describing myself

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in an endearing way.

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It shows up when I discuss mistakes I've made, if I've tripped over my words, or feel

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I said something imperfect, silly, or stupid.

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Something trivial, really.

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In times where I feel ashamed to admit a hobby I enjoy that isn't quite common, a

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perspective that isn't often shared as a consensus, maybe it allows me a wall to hide

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behind, an excuse.

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Like oh, don't mind me, I'm just weird and abnormal, so that if you are to judge me,

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just know there's a reason.

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But that's a really shameful thing in itself, and tells me I have a lot of work left to

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do.

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I don't need to be ashamed of who I am, the things I love that may not be popular, the

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ideas and opinions I have that are not commonly shared among a specific group that I more

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than likely do not see eye to eye with.

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I want to be able to proudly express who I am, confidently, aware that my habits, my

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hobbies, my passions are simply unique attributes that I bring into the world, parts of my individuality

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that allow for interesting differences to exist among us as humans.

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A few sessions ago with my therapist, she mentioned she believes I was in a space where

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I need to practice the concept of acceptance, that things are what they are and we should

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be making the best of them, the most of what we're given, being proud of where I have

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come along my journey, that it will never be perfect, but it could be perfect, the right

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space for me should I choose to allow it to be.

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I do believe she is right and was on to something all those months ago.

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I agreed with her at the time, even subconsciously before we had that meeting, I had already gotten

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a tattoo that showed this growth in my mental patterns.

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A quote that I love, crawls up my arm from a certain George Elliot that says, Our deeds

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still travel with us from afar, and what we have been makes us what we are.

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I can't run from my past, it's a part of me, though messy and painful, I wouldn't

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be standing where I am right now.

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Today, if the things that had happened to me, even the painful ones, hadn't happened

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exactly as they did.

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Living in shame about the behaviors and actions I exhibited in the past, pretending they don't

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exist, will not make them go away, nor will it absolve me of any of those things.

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It will just fester in the vat of shame that exists within me, and I will never be set

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free.

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I would never look back on me as a child, if I was my own parent, and shame myself for

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the natural responses I had when I was hurting, when I was learning.

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I would hold myself close, reassure myself.

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The thing is, while I was so focused on my own painful experience in this realm, there

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was so many others who were experiencing parallel journeys.

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Realistically, while growing up, we all experienced some form of bullying.

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Growing up is messy.

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You're learning how to love, trust, navigate your way through the world, experiencing intense

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emotions for the first time.

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Wondering if you'll make it out alive.

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The pain hurts so much sometimes, it seems impossible.

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I wasn't the only one living this.

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We all were.

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I think I will spend today giving myself extra love and compassion for this fact alone.

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I will also send some out into the world, for anyone who may need a little bit extra

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today as well.

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So this is something I plan to further explore, journaling, so that I can start to set some

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of these things free.

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Change the narrative for myself and wear who I am proudly for all to see.

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A note to self.

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You are magical.

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Your existence itself is a rare, lucky combination of the right genetic combination at the right

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moment in time.

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You exist as you are for a reason.

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You are whole, even within securities, flaws, and a checkered past.

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None of this makes you less than.

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All of this may even make you more, more lovable, more inspirational, more human, more real.

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You would never judge a friend or a loved one for having been hurt or shamed in the past.

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Are you not your own friend?

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Remember this.

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Remind yourself whenever you may need.

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You deserve the kindness that you give others.

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You are able to love so deeply, share your empathy, and see others as they are because

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of what you've injured, because of all that you are.

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And all that you are is absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable.