1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,000 This episode was recorded in the present but reflects material documented in the past to 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:14,800 provide accurate updates and timelines for my journey. It's been 16 days since my last shift 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:24,320 at work. Fucking marvelous. So let's check in. How does it feel knowing that I don't have to go 4 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:33,440 back to work? At this time, an enthusiastic thank fuck would leave my lips dramatic explicit 5 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:40,160 straight to the fucking point. Thinking about it though, I don't truly know how I'd be in a space 6 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:47,360 to manage. It seems impossible imagining myself going back to work painting this vision inside 7 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:54,720 of my head. Why would I torture myself like this, you might be asking. I feel my heart rate as it 8 00:00:54,720 --> 00:01:03,440 picks up. My breaths quicken their pace. Panic sets in. The familiar, the fight, the flight. It feels 9 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:11,280 awful. This isn't a practice I engage in daily in case you're worried about how I'm doing. It's 10 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:17,840 something I've just tried to use as an assessment tool to determine whether I am out of that head 11 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:24,800 space in which I was during work mode. I can't fathom it. There is no nervousness about a lack 12 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:32,160 of return to work with an unknown financial future. Relief floods me as I pat myself on the back, 13 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:39,760 proud to have finally stuck to what truly resonates with me. Finally, I think I'm doing what I need 14 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:47,280 to take care of me. I come first this time, and that feels relieving, as though I inch closer to the 15 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:55,840 realm known as the pause, where I'm able to stop, catch my breath, be present without outside gnawing 16 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:01,520 obligations that keep me from myself and from giving myself the love that I so desperately need. 17 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:09,840 Here is a brief synopsis of the on-going since that chapter closed. I had the privilege of 18 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:16,880 standing up as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. We laughed, we had fun, we all looked stunning. 19 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:23,040 I reconnected with old friends and acquaintances from high school. The nerves I'd felt about the 20 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:30,960 dynamics involved melted away as we started out, hey, how you been? It is a staple moment on which 21 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:37,120 I feel the need to reflect, as it has shown me some of the growth and progress I've made over the years. 22 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:44,480 High school was in fact very traumatic for me, but these are stories to share for a different time. 23 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:51,840 I had this moment where I took in just how comfortable and at ease I felt, despite the 24 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:58,480 strange scenario playing out in front of me. I've noticed there are times in my life where I am 25 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:05,920 retriggered by interactions with people from the past, old feelings and fears crop up. This was not 26 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:13,840 one of those times. I felt at peace that I would be okay. The history involved with some of these 27 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:20,320 people left no trace of negative thoughts or feelings in its wake. A stillness was present 28 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:26,080 within me, one that I did not need to focus to bring forth. It just simply existed. 29 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:33,920 I found myself happy to be present in that moment without the urge to run. I felt warmth spread 30 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:42,320 across my body as I realized I am so proud of myself. In that moment I knew I was worthy, confident, 31 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:48,400 and secure. I knew I would not be bothered by anything involving conflict should it arise. 32 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:55,280 It did not. I am proud of who I have become, an innately good-hearted person. 33 00:03:55,280 --> 00:04:01,760 I don't wish others ill even if they've caused hurt towards me in the past. I realize my thought 34 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:09,040 work has been effective, that it's not healthy to stay in negative mind spaces, to want others to hurt 35 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:16,480 just out of spite in a retaliatory way. This is such a huge milestone for me. I was someone who 36 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:23,760 would hold grudges, so much hate, spite, and react with a high level of negativity, but not anymore. 37 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:32,320 Along the way, I was able to unlock a part of myself to level up. I genuinely wish others well. 38 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:38,960 I practice forgiveness because I understand this is required for me to move on and move forward 39 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:46,320 in my life. This also explains why I find it so uncomfortable to remain in spaces where others 40 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:54,080 are behaving in ways in which I do not align. I am human. I am not perfect. There are certainly 41 00:04:54,080 --> 00:05:01,280 times where I may resort back to negativity as a default means of expression. I'm just now able to 42 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:06,640 recognize that I've been on both sides of the equation, and I make the active choice to be 43 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:13,040 lighthearted, happy, and to wear a positive outlook. In that space there's less effort, 44 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:19,680 more fulfillment. It aligns with my truth, who I am, who I want to be, and my core values. 45 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:26,320 During my time at home, I also caught up with three of my absolute best friends. 46 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:34,160 There's always so much more to say, and limited time prevented more, but I cherished every moment. 47 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:40,160 I didn't find it draining as I had feared it I would. I'm tired, but I'm thankful. 48 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:46,880 I have been trying to practice balance, incorporate rest. Sleep looks a lot like 49 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:54,320 seven to eight hours a night, and is very restful. The countryside offers pure silence and darkness, 50 00:05:54,320 --> 00:06:00,800 and a warm little body pressed up against me, whose purrs lull me to sleep in therapeutic ways you 51 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:10,080 cannot imagine. The obvious, rest is required. Do I feel more energized though? Mmm, sort of. 52 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:17,600 The days following the wedding were filled with non-functionality. I pulled out my camp chair, 53 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:24,640 lifted my legs over the arm, and reclined lazily in the sun as I read. The weather had been surprisingly 54 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:32,160 warm and beautiful, which I enjoyed adding light walks. I included a few naps, but the reality 55 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:39,520 remained that by 4 p.m. I would still find myself utterly exhausted. This led to the remainder of 56 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:47,920 the day winding down in silence and an early bedtime. September 19th marks the first day I 57 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:54,800 noticed any shred of improvement. It's the first day I found myself with energy remaining in the 58 00:06:54,800 --> 00:07:03,440 tank by 6 p.m. This allowed me to visit a friend in the evening. What progress? I limit myself to 59 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:10,080 doing nothing productive past 7 p.m. out of self-preservation in order to retain some of the 60 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:17,760 restorative progress I've managed to attain, however minuscule at this time. Daily meditations 61 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:24,880 are still an integral part of my routine after morning workouts. I know that routine is extremely 62 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:32,320 important for someone like me. My workouts these days have shifted to a more mindful based approach, 63 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:39,040 pairing exercise, focusing on breathing, encouraging grounding, and presence within the body. This would 64 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:47,520 be yoga, Pilates. Weightlifting and cardio takes a back seat for now. This allows me to feel productive 65 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:52,640 as though I'm still nourishing my body with movement, but it doesn't wear me down nearly as 66 00:07:52,640 --> 00:08:00,160 much as the routine that I usually use to keep fit. Slowly, but surely, I prep and gather things for 67 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:06,640 my departure, though this is all energy dependent. I imagine things are probably going to end up last 68 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:12,960 minute as they always do. Procrastination and last-minute productivity is a very hard habit to 69 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:20,240 break, I'm realizing. I suppose this is a great time to summarize my return to Ontario, though I 70 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:27,040 apologize if I have yet to find a way to creatively word this in an interesting way. I towed Tabby 71 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:34,240 2200 km across three provinces in the span of three days time. I noticed that although I picked the 72 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:40,720 correct vehicle for my needs, it's still super expensive on fuel. There may be a creeping fear 73 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:48,960 that this will cost me ostensibly more than I budgeted for in the long run. Yikes. I loved being 74 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:55,040 able to pull over if I was in need of a nap, and I could sleep in my own bed with my own pillow and 75 00:08:55,040 --> 00:09:02,240 blankets. I loved having privacy. To pull over and cook lunch when I was hungry, the best part was 76 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:07,920 definitely waking up, getting into the truck and driving off. No more unpacking and packing annoyances 77 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:14,480 here. One morning was particularly chilly and thankful to the heating system in the trailer, 78 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:20,640 I was kept warm and toasty. I feel as though I learned a lot about my trailer in those three days, 79 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:25,840 as though we're starting to carve out a very special bond. There's still things I need to 80 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:31,200 figure out, how to light the propane stove. I desperately need to find a way to ensure I have 81 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:37,680 access to coffee, more specifically, how to run my cure egg without blowing any fuses. There's still 82 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:43,360 a lot of learning required to prepare for the road, but one thing at a time, we can do this. 83 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:50,640 In my heart, I know this will be an epic adventure. I fall more and more in love with my little 84 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:57,360 trailer as the days go by. I look forward to a leisurely pace without obligation, to indulge in 85 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:04,240 rest, relaxation, fun, adventure, whatever my little heart desires, whatever my mind can think up. 86 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:12,000 The struggle I still face is boundaries and a lack of acceptance. Although no one has said anything, 87 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:18,000 I feel immense guilt for not being at a capacity to make plans with people, 88 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:23,360 not spend time with people I know were hoping to see me, hoping to catch up and enjoy quality 89 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:29,360 time together. It's not what I need, but I know that these are expectations that are floating around. 90 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:34,640 I know that people don't always understand where I'm currently at, and nor do I expect them to. 91 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:41,840 This is my unique lived experience after all. I need to stay strong and firm in my boundaries, 92 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:47,680 not push myself when I can't, or allow guilt to force me into doing things I am not comfortable doing, 93 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:53,200 things that I don't want to do that will add stress to my life, and where I would find myself 94 00:10:53,200 --> 00:11:00,560 counting down the minutes until that particular event was over. I acknowledge it's not always 95 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:07,120 others that guilt me, rather me, guilting myself into this, because I know I have a habit of not 96 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:12,880 wanting to disappoint or hurt others, even though it leaves me hurting and disappointing myself. 97 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:18,880 It hurts me that my actions and decisions lead others to feel unimportant, unwanted, 98 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:25,200 unappreciated, and that give the impression of selfishness and self-focus. But I am not well. 99 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:31,920 I need to prioritize me and my needs. I need to learn that I don't owe anyone any explanation 100 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:40,080 past I simply don't want to, or I simply cannot at this time. This is an area I require work. 101 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:46,640 My desire to over-explain, justify, and attempt to prove why my boundary is valid is something that 102 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:53,440 kills me inside. It is an urge that is all too familiar, the desire to make others happy in 103 00:11:53,440 --> 00:12:01,520 hope of gaining approval, validation, acceptance. I ignored myself and my needs for far too long, 104 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:07,920 led to believe that I needed to put the needs of others before my own, as a grown woman who has 105 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:14,800 done a lot of work. I realize this isn't truth and is not healthy, nor is it helpful to anyone, 106 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:20,800 especially myself. I am still actively working to undo these thought patterns and beliefs. 107 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:27,600 I am aware that the people in my life who cannot understand where I am at and what I need is not 108 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:35,120 my responsibility. I do not need to feel as though PowerPoint presentations and evidence backed by 109 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:42,400 research that justify and explain is required to convince others why I need to put myself first, 110 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:47,600 out of a fear that I will offend others by my choice. This is not about other people, 111 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:53,440 and it never has been. It's always just been about me, about learning to protect myself and put 112 00:12:53,440 --> 00:13:00,720 myself first. At the end of the day, I am all that I have. I am learning that people will believe 113 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:06,480 whatever suits their narrative based on their own lived experience, and no amount of explaining 114 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:13,040 myself will ever change their mind. It's a waste of time for everyone involved. It is a waste of 115 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:18,800 my efforts to try to convince myself that I am worthy of my needs being met, of coming first in 116 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:26,000 my own life. I know that what I am doing is going to help me, serve me, and be exactly what I need. 117 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:32,560 If the people in your life truly value and respect you, they will respect those boundaries, 118 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:36,720 even if they have a hard time understanding exactly what it is you're going through. 119 00:13:36,720 --> 00:14:02,720 And it's simple as that. So deep breaths, Marcel. You've got this.