This episode was recorded in the present but reflects material documented in the past to
provide accurate updates and timelines for my journey. It's been 16 days since my last shift
at work. Fucking marvelous. So let's check in. How does it feel knowing that I don't have to go
back to work? At this time, an enthusiastic thank fuck would leave my lips dramatic explicit
straight to the fucking point. Thinking about it though, I don't truly know how I'd be in a space
to manage. It seems impossible imagining myself going back to work painting this vision inside
of my head. Why would I torture myself like this, you might be asking. I feel my heart rate as it
picks up. My breaths quicken their pace. Panic sets in. The familiar, the fight, the flight. It feels
awful. This isn't a practice I engage in daily in case you're worried about how I'm doing. It's
something I've just tried to use as an assessment tool to determine whether I am out of that head
space in which I was during work mode. I can't fathom it. There is no nervousness about a lack
of return to work with an unknown financial future. Relief floods me as I pat myself on the back,
proud to have finally stuck to what truly resonates with me. Finally, I think I'm doing what I need
to take care of me. I come first this time, and that feels relieving, as though I inch closer to the
realm known as the pause, where I'm able to stop, catch my breath, be present without outside gnawing
obligations that keep me from myself and from giving myself the love that I so desperately need.
Here is a brief synopsis of the on-going since that chapter closed. I had the privilege of
standing up as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. We laughed, we had fun, we all looked stunning.
I reconnected with old friends and acquaintances from high school. The nerves I'd felt about the
dynamics involved melted away as we started out, hey, how you been? It is a staple moment on which
I feel the need to reflect, as it has shown me some of the growth and progress I've made over the years.
High school was in fact very traumatic for me, but these are stories to share for a different time.
I had this moment where I took in just how comfortable and at ease I felt, despite the
strange scenario playing out in front of me. I've noticed there are times in my life where I am
retriggered by interactions with people from the past, old feelings and fears crop up. This was not
one of those times. I felt at peace that I would be okay. The history involved with some of these
people left no trace of negative thoughts or feelings in its wake. A stillness was present
within me, one that I did not need to focus to bring forth. It just simply existed.
I found myself happy to be present in that moment without the urge to run. I felt warmth spread
across my body as I realized I am so proud of myself. In that moment I knew I was worthy, confident,
and secure. I knew I would not be bothered by anything involving conflict should it arise.
It did not. I am proud of who I have become, an innately good-hearted person.
I don't wish others ill even if they've caused hurt towards me in the past. I realize my thought
work has been effective, that it's not healthy to stay in negative mind spaces, to want others to hurt
just out of spite in a retaliatory way. This is such a huge milestone for me. I was someone who
would hold grudges, so much hate, spite, and react with a high level of negativity, but not anymore.
Along the way, I was able to unlock a part of myself to level up. I genuinely wish others well.
I practice forgiveness because I understand this is required for me to move on and move forward
in my life. This also explains why I find it so uncomfortable to remain in spaces where others
are behaving in ways in which I do not align. I am human. I am not perfect. There are certainly
times where I may resort back to negativity as a default means of expression. I'm just now able to
recognize that I've been on both sides of the equation, and I make the active choice to be
lighthearted, happy, and to wear a positive outlook. In that space there's less effort,
more fulfillment. It aligns with my truth, who I am, who I want to be, and my core values.
During my time at home, I also caught up with three of my absolute best friends.
There's always so much more to say, and limited time prevented more, but I cherished every moment.
I didn't find it draining as I had feared it I would. I'm tired, but I'm thankful.
I have been trying to practice balance, incorporate rest. Sleep looks a lot like
seven to eight hours a night, and is very restful. The countryside offers pure silence and darkness,
and a warm little body pressed up against me, whose purrs lull me to sleep in therapeutic ways you
cannot imagine. The obvious, rest is required. Do I feel more energized though? Mmm, sort of.
The days following the wedding were filled with non-functionality. I pulled out my camp chair,
lifted my legs over the arm, and reclined lazily in the sun as I read. The weather had been surprisingly
warm and beautiful, which I enjoyed adding light walks. I included a few naps, but the reality
remained that by 4 p.m. I would still find myself utterly exhausted. This led to the remainder of
the day winding down in silence and an early bedtime. September 19th marks the first day I
noticed any shred of improvement. It's the first day I found myself with energy remaining in the
tank by 6 p.m. This allowed me to visit a friend in the evening. What progress? I limit myself to
doing nothing productive past 7 p.m. out of self-preservation in order to retain some of the
restorative progress I've managed to attain, however minuscule at this time. Daily meditations
are still an integral part of my routine after morning workouts. I know that routine is extremely
important for someone like me. My workouts these days have shifted to a more mindful based approach,
pairing exercise, focusing on breathing, encouraging grounding, and presence within the body. This would
be yoga, Pilates. Weightlifting and cardio takes a back seat for now. This allows me to feel productive
as though I'm still nourishing my body with movement, but it doesn't wear me down nearly as
much as the routine that I usually use to keep fit. Slowly, but surely, I prep and gather things for
my departure, though this is all energy dependent. I imagine things are probably going to end up last
minute as they always do. Procrastination and last-minute productivity is a very hard habit to
break, I'm realizing. I suppose this is a great time to summarize my return to Ontario, though I
apologize if I have yet to find a way to creatively word this in an interesting way. I towed Tabby
2200 km across three provinces in the span of three days time. I noticed that although I picked the
correct vehicle for my needs, it's still super expensive on fuel. There may be a creeping fear
that this will cost me ostensibly more than I budgeted for in the long run. Yikes. I loved being
able to pull over if I was in need of a nap, and I could sleep in my own bed with my own pillow and
blankets. I loved having privacy. To pull over and cook lunch when I was hungry, the best part was
definitely waking up, getting into the truck and driving off. No more unpacking and packing annoyances
here. One morning was particularly chilly and thankful to the heating system in the trailer,
I was kept warm and toasty. I feel as though I learned a lot about my trailer in those three days,
as though we're starting to carve out a very special bond. There's still things I need to
figure out, how to light the propane stove. I desperately need to find a way to ensure I have
access to coffee, more specifically, how to run my cure egg without blowing any fuses. There's still
a lot of learning required to prepare for the road, but one thing at a time, we can do this.
In my heart, I know this will be an epic adventure. I fall more and more in love with my little
trailer as the days go by. I look forward to a leisurely pace without obligation, to indulge in
rest, relaxation, fun, adventure, whatever my little heart desires, whatever my mind can think up.
The struggle I still face is boundaries and a lack of acceptance. Although no one has said anything,
I feel immense guilt for not being at a capacity to make plans with people,
not spend time with people I know were hoping to see me, hoping to catch up and enjoy quality
time together. It's not what I need, but I know that these are expectations that are floating around.
I know that people don't always understand where I'm currently at, and nor do I expect them to.
This is my unique lived experience after all. I need to stay strong and firm in my boundaries,
not push myself when I can't, or allow guilt to force me into doing things I am not comfortable doing,
things that I don't want to do that will add stress to my life, and where I would find myself
counting down the minutes until that particular event was over. I acknowledge it's not always
others that guilt me, rather me, guilting myself into this, because I know I have a habit of not
wanting to disappoint or hurt others, even though it leaves me hurting and disappointing myself.
It hurts me that my actions and decisions lead others to feel unimportant, unwanted,
unappreciated, and that give the impression of selfishness and self-focus. But I am not well.
I need to prioritize me and my needs. I need to learn that I don't owe anyone any explanation
past I simply don't want to, or I simply cannot at this time. This is an area I require work.
My desire to over-explain, justify, and attempt to prove why my boundary is valid is something that
kills me inside. It is an urge that is all too familiar, the desire to make others happy in
hope of gaining approval, validation, acceptance. I ignored myself and my needs for far too long,
led to believe that I needed to put the needs of others before my own, as a grown woman who has
done a lot of work. I realize this isn't truth and is not healthy, nor is it helpful to anyone,
especially myself. I am still actively working to undo these thought patterns and beliefs.
I am aware that the people in my life who cannot understand where I am at and what I need is not
my responsibility. I do not need to feel as though PowerPoint presentations and evidence backed by
research that justify and explain is required to convince others why I need to put myself first,
out of a fear that I will offend others by my choice. This is not about other people,
and it never has been. It's always just been about me, about learning to protect myself and put
myself first. At the end of the day, I am all that I have. I am learning that people will believe
whatever suits their narrative based on their own lived experience, and no amount of explaining
myself will ever change their mind. It's a waste of time for everyone involved. It is a waste of
my efforts to try to convince myself that I am worthy of my needs being met, of coming first in
my own life. I know that what I am doing is going to help me, serve me, and be exactly what I need.
If the people in your life truly value and respect you, they will respect those boundaries,
even if they have a hard time understanding exactly what it is you're going through.
And it's simple as that. So deep breaths, Marcel. You've got this.