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While this episode was recorded after my contract was complete, the contents within were documented in such a way to capture the reality of the situation as it was written.

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All accounts still remain up to date and accurate.

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Now that my contract is done, you must be wondering how I'm feeling, how I'm doing.

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Doesn't it feel great to know you're not going back to work?

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Don't you feel relieved?

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My answer.

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I still don't know.

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I'm still not sure how it feels.

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No feelings exist within me whatsoever.

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Am I numb?

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Maybe.

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I'm just not really sure.

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I still don't think it's quite hit me yet, even though I'm on the first leg of my journey back to Ontario with the trailer.

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I will say, I had a very refreshing moment when I was trying to focus on what I would need for my upcoming trip, the things I needed to purchase, to build my arsenal of tools, however ridiculous it might sound, but I knew these things wouldn't go to waste,

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because they're items that are practical to own as long as you're a responsible vehicle owner.

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In that moment, I felt a sudden urge of emotions. It caused me pause to smile and say, these are the best years of your life right now.

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The memories you're making, you'll look back fondly, realizing these were those years, the best of your life.

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You'll smile, you'll say fuck yeah. I'm so glad I did those things.

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Even if right now, it might seem a little impulsive, reckless, crazy, wild, out of context.

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I let myself sit with that. I let it fill me, and I enjoyed the calm comfort and the smile.

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Regarding work, it hasn't hit me yet.

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In the past, when I've taken time off, I've not allowed myself more than two months off at a time. This would have been when I moved back from Winnipeg, back to Ontario.

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It was July, but I did not rest for long. I had already applied to jobs and ended up starting orientation in two places.

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The first one began in August, the second in September. It wasn't much of a break even then.

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Of course, I dove into that, and I worked well over full-time hours. I didn't know how to do anything but that.

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There was always an urgency to return to work, to have a date to which I would return by, to know I'd have income again, the security of incoming finances.

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In this moment, right here, I do not have that feeling at all.

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There is no urgency. I'm not breaking a sweat at the fact I don't have anything lined up for the future. I just plainly don't even give a fuck.

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I literally do not give one fuck.

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There's not an ounce of me that cares.

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I imagine this is the level of burnout that I've reached, where I can't even allow myself to think of work that I could care less.

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Or I'm in such a fight-flight-fond mode that I'm completely numb.

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That I am just out to lunch for now, and before I know it, the panic will set back in.

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I really hope that's not the case. I really don't want to deter myself from my goal.

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It could also be the fact that I've vocalized my plans out loud so many times now, that maybe inside it's solidified,

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that I'm not tempted to pull the trigger because I already have a plan in place, though it looks a bit different than my usual plans.

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I am not worried about money for the future. I am not panicking, and I am certainly no rush to return.

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I'm slightly nervous about what the future will look like, though, how it will play out, and what situations I will encounter.

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I'm just trying to remain in the present moment, see where it takes me.

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I'm not sure if it's hit me how I just don't need to go back to work. I don't need to go back to that place.

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It's also evident to me that I have been stressing about the next things in the immediate future,

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so maybe I just haven't had the time to let it sink in, or really be aware of the fact that it is done.

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That chapter is over.

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I'm driving back to my hometown, and immediately have to jump into prep 4 and stand in my friends' wedding.

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It's going to be one thing after another, and I really didn't plan out my contract end date to have a lot of wiggle room to accommodate for rest before this begins.

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Things changed, of course. Initially, I intended to ride out until the end of the year, not planning on having so much stuff to move,

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and I hadn't known I'd meet my partner.

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Not to mention, all the stress that has built up over the last few weeks when I struggled to pack and organize simultaneously,

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to know what to keep separate to bring home and what to bring with me due to such a short turnaround, deciding what to bring, what to leave behind.

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There wasn't much mental headspace for me or for this, so while I was with my partner, I was not motivated.

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I could barely function. I kept walking from room to room, looking at things repeatedly.

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I looked like a glitchy Sims character. I really just wanted to say fuck it, but he was encouraging.

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He helped me, and I got the important stuff out of the way. I'm so thankful for him, honestly.

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I couldn't have done it without his help and support, so thank you for that.

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I still think that somehow, I managed to pack too many things that I won't need. I'm thankful the truck isn't packed with the brim,

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and there's still plenty of room in the box. So, there is some progress for someone like me.

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I don't know. It's a weird feeling. Not a bad one, just strange.

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I fully anticipate that after the wedding, I will probably faceplant and sleep and rest nonstop.

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There's about a week and a half afterwards to catch up on things prior to departure.

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My parents want to spend time with me, my brother and his wife, my friends,

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who I didn't get to see at all when I came home in March, because I could barely leave my bed due to feeling so burned out, anxious and overwhelmed.

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I should have seen the signs then, but I was in complete denial. I wanted to prioritize rest, but of course, I missed them,

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and I need to show that they're important to me. It's just so hard to get all the prep work done I need, and then see everybody as well.

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To make the schedules align, it's really hard. When you're gone, and then you have all of these plans and ideas and friends to catch up with,

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not to mention I overthink. So, I think about how I need to catch up with all of them by retelling my story, my experiences, to however many of them I see.

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Probably three to four different people, for sure, repeating my situation three to four different times. That in itself is exhausting.

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I experience a reliving of the experiences as I tell it, and I go deep when I do communicate and share.

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I find myself again wondering how people keep up with friendships. My headspace is sheer exhaustion, not having much to give to others.

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Never mind myself. It feels so full of pressure and expectations.

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I'm wondering, will I ever feel good again? Will I ever feel okay, as though I can manage? At which point will things slow down?

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Will I have to wait until I hit the road again to be away from everyone in order to find peace within myself?

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I try not to think about it. I'm still just putting one foot in front of the other. What a common theme here. I feel sad to leave Tanner behind.

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Obviously, it's not forever. We will still make time for one another. He's so important to me, and I am very much dedicated to making it work.

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A part of making it work long term is the need to stay true to myself and what's important to me.

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To do what it is I need to do for myself first and foremost. It's also in turn something that I need to do for the both of us.

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In finding a way to better manage my life, to be happier, I can then bring more happiness into his life and our relationship.

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I can be a better, more supportive partner because I am well and supporting myself and my mental health.

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He has been so supportive and is more than happy to encourage me on this journey. He understands it's important to me.

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In the past, I've been sidetracked by relationships and intense feelings where I've let things and myself go, where I've compromised myself, or I thought I was compromising when really I was giving up core parts of myself.

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Things I realize now I cannot compromise or give up. This is one of those things.

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He understands my need to leave and to try something different. To at least try with all my might.

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He's also my biggest fan and I love how he sees potential in ways that I don't yet see. It's the healthiest, most grounded relationship I've ever experienced in my entire life.

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So it sucks to leave, but we have the advantage of only ever having been long distance as we come up to our year anniversary.

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We have learned good communication, balance, and making sure that we make time for one another.

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It shows me we truly matter to one another and we're in it for the same reasons, a true commitment to making it work.

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So for us to keep doing long distance while I travel will be much easier to manage than if we had started out in close proximity and I left to travel for months at a time thereafter.

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It's still going to be difficult and I cried one to two times a day leading up to my departure when I was packing to leave.

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There is currently a level of burnout where I just can't fathom going back to work. My whole life is just a pit of burnout.

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I'm not able to keep up with friends. I have anxiety about seeing friends though I love them dearly.

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I know it'll be great to see them, but it's mentally exhausting to anticipate the depths of conversations.

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I have a lot of emotions and a lot to say. I may wake up rested, yes, but two or three rolls around and I am completely gassed.

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I truly wonder if there will ever come a day where two to three PM rolls around and I can tackle the rest of a day rather than sit and watch the clock and wonder,

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is this an appropriate time to go to bed or is it too early or simply figuring how I can pass time with exerting the smallest amount of energy possible so I can go to bed without feeling pathetic.

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This has been one of the most difficult parts honestly, especially in trying to finish this contract.

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The days where I'm utterly spent by 2pm, a veil of fog falls over my eyes, a heaviness settling onto my shoulder, causing me to feel sluggish, sleepy.

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I cease functioning. If anyone needs anything, I physically drag my feet to get anything done past that time of day.

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To others, I look like I don't want to do that and the truth is, I didn't. There are things I knew I had to do and it's absolutely embarrassing and shameful to admit,

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but there were many times where I would just wait a little too long and another staff would go complete the task.

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I promise myself I will do the next thing and then I wouldn't. Sometimes I did, but it was a struggle.

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I feel really bad for that, for the burden that I caused my colleagues. It's not something I'm proud of.

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I'm sure the opinion they've had of me from time to time due to this exhibited behavior was less than favorable.

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It's just something I can explain in ways people don't understand if they haven't lived this. It just happened. I didn't will it into existence.

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By nature, I'm not a lazy person. It's not how I was raised. It's not how I've lived my life to date.

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Though I guess you could say that this may be the reason why I've ended up this burned out in the first place.

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A life in hyperspeed with hyperproductivity being the ideal scenario, the hustle culture, maybe it's not a good look after all, not worth it.

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I was either super productive or not productive at all. I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who worked with me that felt I was lazy or inept.

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I can 100% understand why you felt this way about me and see it for what it looks like as my actions were definitely not aligning with my own personal values and beliefs.

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You are not wrong to have felt this way about me. I'm sorry for the moments I left a bitter taste in your mouth where I was absolutely lazy in behavior and demeanor.

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Internally though, it was a whole different world for me that I experienced. I could say it felt like an out of body experience in some ways.

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The more busy it became at work, the worse it came out. If we had had a busy morning and early afternoon, by midday, I was burnt toast.

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I couldn't catch my breath. There was absolutely nothing left to give. I had given every ounce of me that I could. There was nothing left in the tank.

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In any normal scenario or relationship, if you're at home or out socializing, you can say, hey, I'm stopping this right now. I'm going to recuperate however that looks.

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But in the workplace, there's not a fucking chance. Not a chance in hell that you can go and rest and regenerate.

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Taking a 15 minute break is not what I mean. That wasn't the rejuvenation I needed to survive the rest of my shift, nor would an energy drink or stimulants help.

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It's a need to stop and pay attention to these needs by going to a completely silent room and not hearing machines, beeping, people calling out, screaming, to bask in the quiet in a meditative way.

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Or is it bordering dissociation? I'm not sure.

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Cuddling up against your favorite sheets in your softest, coziest, oversized pajamas and simply going to sleep. That is what I would have needed in those moments.

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But that's not something you can get at work, at least not in today's society.

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I can only imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing myself going from all different points in a room back and forth, no real direction, checking on things, not able to actually do anything.

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So squirrel brained, repeatedly asking, guys, what do we need left to do? What are we doing?

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As if I even had any capacity to do it if I was tasked with anything.

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Spiraling into a huge mess that is untanglable.

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When in reality, in a healthy space, the situation was probably fine. Just need a few deep breaths, some reorganization, focus on one thing at a time.

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I just couldn't do that. And then picking up on chaotic energy emanating from my overwhelmed colleagues.

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The cries of help were busy, were drowning, only served to exacerbate my own internal spiraling.

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I was just done. I could not do a thing, could not function.

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After work, I would speedwalk back to the condo, crawl into bed, lights out, no productivity.

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Not fair to my colleagues, nor is it fair to me.

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A part of this whole workplace experience for me is you're not allowed to have boundaries to keep you safe, well, mentally healthy.

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If you do, they need to be between 7pm and 7am between your shifts.

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They can't be things that need to happen during the shift because realistically everybody has a similar workload.

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Others may be managed it better because they have healthier headspaces, more rested, or they're not taking a ride on the struggle bus you're driving in general.

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It's not fair to expect your coworkers to take on your work because you're out to lunch and can't do it. It falls on them.

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For me, it takes so long to bounce back, it's just not fair.

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As a contract nurse, it's expected of us to be robots at full speed with near perfect energy levels and manageability.

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Or else, don't work. Don't take a contract. You don't belong here like this.

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There's not a lot of empathy, no understanding.

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You're there as a body to do the work and when you're done, don't be taking contracts if you're exhausted. Take the time off.

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In reality, though, we have bills to pay, things to do, and maybe in this case, trying a place on for size.

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I got to a point where I just needed to get to the end of the contract and I would do my best.

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My best wasn't good enough at times. I was left feeling like I was less of a person, less important, dehumanized.

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The boundary for myself going forward is that I will now not worry about work. I am not going back to work.

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I am not doing any of this. I need to rest so that by 3pm, I am not squirreling, unable to be productive.

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At this point, I don't even know if that's possible, but I hope it is. I truly hope so. It needs to be possible.

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The whole point of this journey is to find out what it takes for me to go back to being human, leaving a job that is just unrealistic for me.

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I think about how others don't struggle in the same way I do and I think, what is wrong with me that I can't function in the workplace like everybody else?

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Maybe they're tired, yeah, but they still function. Where are they getting this energy?

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My mind and body literally shut down, and then what?

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I don't know what the answer is, and I can't explain this experience past what I've already mentioned here. How come everybody can do this?

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What's going on with me that I can't keep doing this anymore? These are people with full-time jobs, the normalized expectation, the human baseline.

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I literally cannot. I can't physically or mentally do it. I choose to believe it just means there has to be another way.

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There can't be something so inherently wrong with me that I need to fix so that I can just go back to do all the shit I've already been doing to date.

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We're not all built the same. There's a reason for this. There has to be a place that exists for all of us to belong and thrive.

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I just need to find that place for me. I think if I had to work a full-time permanent position, God, there's just no fucking way.

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I'd end up on a mental health leave and still not be a productive member of society in ways that's deemed appropriate and necessary to belong.

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So what the actual fuck is that telling me?

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I've ranted long enough today, so I'm going to wrap this up.

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To summarize, I don't know how I'm feeling or how I will end up feeling.

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I can only hope there's answers I can find for myself to help me heal, rest, and feel better.

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Some way that I can find where I belong in the world where I can thrive.

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At the very least, work on finding a balance that works with boundaries that keep me from going down another self-destructive path,

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because I just can't keep having these midlife crises anymore.

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It's getting old real fast, and it ain't cute.

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I'll keep you guys posted soon, though. Thanks so much for listening.