While this episode was recorded after my contract was complete, the contents within were documented in such a way to capture the reality of the situation as it was written.
All accounts still remain up to date and accurate.
Now that my contract is done, you must be wondering how I'm feeling, how I'm doing.
Doesn't it feel great to know you're not going back to work?
Don't you feel relieved?
My answer.
I still don't know.
I'm still not sure how it feels.
No feelings exist within me whatsoever.
Am I numb?
Maybe.
I'm just not really sure.
I still don't think it's quite hit me yet, even though I'm on the first leg of my journey back to Ontario with the trailer.
I will say, I had a very refreshing moment when I was trying to focus on what I would need for my upcoming trip, the things I needed to purchase, to build my arsenal of tools, however ridiculous it might sound, but I knew these things wouldn't go to waste,
because they're items that are practical to own as long as you're a responsible vehicle owner.
In that moment, I felt a sudden urge of emotions. It caused me pause to smile and say, these are the best years of your life right now.
The memories you're making, you'll look back fondly, realizing these were those years, the best of your life.
You'll smile, you'll say fuck yeah. I'm so glad I did those things.
Even if right now, it might seem a little impulsive, reckless, crazy, wild, out of context.
I let myself sit with that. I let it fill me, and I enjoyed the calm comfort and the smile.
Regarding work, it hasn't hit me yet.
In the past, when I've taken time off, I've not allowed myself more than two months off at a time. This would have been when I moved back from Winnipeg, back to Ontario.
It was July, but I did not rest for long. I had already applied to jobs and ended up starting orientation in two places.
The first one began in August, the second in September. It wasn't much of a break even then.
Of course, I dove into that, and I worked well over full-time hours. I didn't know how to do anything but that.
There was always an urgency to return to work, to have a date to which I would return by, to know I'd have income again, the security of incoming finances.
In this moment, right here, I do not have that feeling at all.
There is no urgency. I'm not breaking a sweat at the fact I don't have anything lined up for the future. I just plainly don't even give a fuck.
I literally do not give one fuck.
There's not an ounce of me that cares.
I imagine this is the level of burnout that I've reached, where I can't even allow myself to think of work that I could care less.
Or I'm in such a fight-flight-fond mode that I'm completely numb.
That I am just out to lunch for now, and before I know it, the panic will set back in.
I really hope that's not the case. I really don't want to deter myself from my goal.
It could also be the fact that I've vocalized my plans out loud so many times now, that maybe inside it's solidified,
that I'm not tempted to pull the trigger because I already have a plan in place, though it looks a bit different than my usual plans.
I am not worried about money for the future. I am not panicking, and I am certainly no rush to return.
I'm slightly nervous about what the future will look like, though, how it will play out, and what situations I will encounter.
I'm just trying to remain in the present moment, see where it takes me.
I'm not sure if it's hit me how I just don't need to go back to work. I don't need to go back to that place.
It's also evident to me that I have been stressing about the next things in the immediate future,
so maybe I just haven't had the time to let it sink in, or really be aware of the fact that it is done.
That chapter is over.
I'm driving back to my hometown, and immediately have to jump into prep 4 and stand in my friends' wedding.
It's going to be one thing after another, and I really didn't plan out my contract end date to have a lot of wiggle room to accommodate for rest before this begins.
Things changed, of course. Initially, I intended to ride out until the end of the year, not planning on having so much stuff to move,
and I hadn't known I'd meet my partner.
Not to mention, all the stress that has built up over the last few weeks when I struggled to pack and organize simultaneously,
to know what to keep separate to bring home and what to bring with me due to such a short turnaround, deciding what to bring, what to leave behind.
There wasn't much mental headspace for me or for this, so while I was with my partner, I was not motivated.
I could barely function. I kept walking from room to room, looking at things repeatedly.
I looked like a glitchy Sims character. I really just wanted to say fuck it, but he was encouraging.
He helped me, and I got the important stuff out of the way. I'm so thankful for him, honestly.
I couldn't have done it without his help and support, so thank you for that.
I still think that somehow, I managed to pack too many things that I won't need. I'm thankful the truck isn't packed with the brim,
and there's still plenty of room in the box. So, there is some progress for someone like me.
I don't know. It's a weird feeling. Not a bad one, just strange.
I fully anticipate that after the wedding, I will probably faceplant and sleep and rest nonstop.
There's about a week and a half afterwards to catch up on things prior to departure.
My parents want to spend time with me, my brother and his wife, my friends,
who I didn't get to see at all when I came home in March, because I could barely leave my bed due to feeling so burned out, anxious and overwhelmed.
I should have seen the signs then, but I was in complete denial. I wanted to prioritize rest, but of course, I missed them,
and I need to show that they're important to me. It's just so hard to get all the prep work done I need, and then see everybody as well.
To make the schedules align, it's really hard. When you're gone, and then you have all of these plans and ideas and friends to catch up with,
not to mention I overthink. So, I think about how I need to catch up with all of them by retelling my story, my experiences, to however many of them I see.
Probably three to four different people, for sure, repeating my situation three to four different times. That in itself is exhausting.
I experience a reliving of the experiences as I tell it, and I go deep when I do communicate and share.
I find myself again wondering how people keep up with friendships. My headspace is sheer exhaustion, not having much to give to others.
Never mind myself. It feels so full of pressure and expectations.
I'm wondering, will I ever feel good again? Will I ever feel okay, as though I can manage? At which point will things slow down?
Will I have to wait until I hit the road again to be away from everyone in order to find peace within myself?
I try not to think about it. I'm still just putting one foot in front of the other. What a common theme here. I feel sad to leave Tanner behind.
Obviously, it's not forever. We will still make time for one another. He's so important to me, and I am very much dedicated to making it work.
A part of making it work long term is the need to stay true to myself and what's important to me.
To do what it is I need to do for myself first and foremost. It's also in turn something that I need to do for the both of us.
In finding a way to better manage my life, to be happier, I can then bring more happiness into his life and our relationship.
I can be a better, more supportive partner because I am well and supporting myself and my mental health.
He has been so supportive and is more than happy to encourage me on this journey. He understands it's important to me.
In the past, I've been sidetracked by relationships and intense feelings where I've let things and myself go, where I've compromised myself, or I thought I was compromising when really I was giving up core parts of myself.
Things I realize now I cannot compromise or give up. This is one of those things.
He understands my need to leave and to try something different. To at least try with all my might.
He's also my biggest fan and I love how he sees potential in ways that I don't yet see. It's the healthiest, most grounded relationship I've ever experienced in my entire life.
So it sucks to leave, but we have the advantage of only ever having been long distance as we come up to our year anniversary.
We have learned good communication, balance, and making sure that we make time for one another.
It shows me we truly matter to one another and we're in it for the same reasons, a true commitment to making it work.
So for us to keep doing long distance while I travel will be much easier to manage than if we had started out in close proximity and I left to travel for months at a time thereafter.
It's still going to be difficult and I cried one to two times a day leading up to my departure when I was packing to leave.
There is currently a level of burnout where I just can't fathom going back to work. My whole life is just a pit of burnout.
I'm not able to keep up with friends. I have anxiety about seeing friends though I love them dearly.
I know it'll be great to see them, but it's mentally exhausting to anticipate the depths of conversations.
I have a lot of emotions and a lot to say. I may wake up rested, yes, but two or three rolls around and I am completely gassed.
I truly wonder if there will ever come a day where two to three PM rolls around and I can tackle the rest of a day rather than sit and watch the clock and wonder,
is this an appropriate time to go to bed or is it too early or simply figuring how I can pass time with exerting the smallest amount of energy possible so I can go to bed without feeling pathetic.
This has been one of the most difficult parts honestly, especially in trying to finish this contract.
The days where I'm utterly spent by 2pm, a veil of fog falls over my eyes, a heaviness settling onto my shoulder, causing me to feel sluggish, sleepy.
I cease functioning. If anyone needs anything, I physically drag my feet to get anything done past that time of day.
To others, I look like I don't want to do that and the truth is, I didn't. There are things I knew I had to do and it's absolutely embarrassing and shameful to admit,
but there were many times where I would just wait a little too long and another staff would go complete the task.
I promise myself I will do the next thing and then I wouldn't. Sometimes I did, but it was a struggle.
I feel really bad for that, for the burden that I caused my colleagues. It's not something I'm proud of.
I'm sure the opinion they've had of me from time to time due to this exhibited behavior was less than favorable.
It's just something I can explain in ways people don't understand if they haven't lived this. It just happened. I didn't will it into existence.
By nature, I'm not a lazy person. It's not how I was raised. It's not how I've lived my life to date.
Though I guess you could say that this may be the reason why I've ended up this burned out in the first place.
A life in hyperspeed with hyperproductivity being the ideal scenario, the hustle culture, maybe it's not a good look after all, not worth it.
I was either super productive or not productive at all. I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who worked with me that felt I was lazy or inept.
I can 100% understand why you felt this way about me and see it for what it looks like as my actions were definitely not aligning with my own personal values and beliefs.
You are not wrong to have felt this way about me. I'm sorry for the moments I left a bitter taste in your mouth where I was absolutely lazy in behavior and demeanor.
Internally though, it was a whole different world for me that I experienced. I could say it felt like an out of body experience in some ways.
The more busy it became at work, the worse it came out. If we had had a busy morning and early afternoon, by midday, I was burnt toast.
I couldn't catch my breath. There was absolutely nothing left to give. I had given every ounce of me that I could. There was nothing left in the tank.
In any normal scenario or relationship, if you're at home or out socializing, you can say, hey, I'm stopping this right now. I'm going to recuperate however that looks.
But in the workplace, there's not a fucking chance. Not a chance in hell that you can go and rest and regenerate.
Taking a 15 minute break is not what I mean. That wasn't the rejuvenation I needed to survive the rest of my shift, nor would an energy drink or stimulants help.
It's a need to stop and pay attention to these needs by going to a completely silent room and not hearing machines, beeping, people calling out, screaming, to bask in the quiet in a meditative way.
Or is it bordering dissociation? I'm not sure.
Cuddling up against your favorite sheets in your softest, coziest, oversized pajamas and simply going to sleep. That is what I would have needed in those moments.
But that's not something you can get at work, at least not in today's society.
I can only imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing myself going from all different points in a room back and forth, no real direction, checking on things, not able to actually do anything.
So squirrel brained, repeatedly asking, guys, what do we need left to do? What are we doing?
As if I even had any capacity to do it if I was tasked with anything.
Spiraling into a huge mess that is untanglable.
When in reality, in a healthy space, the situation was probably fine. Just need a few deep breaths, some reorganization, focus on one thing at a time.
I just couldn't do that. And then picking up on chaotic energy emanating from my overwhelmed colleagues.
The cries of help were busy, were drowning, only served to exacerbate my own internal spiraling.
I was just done. I could not do a thing, could not function.
After work, I would speedwalk back to the condo, crawl into bed, lights out, no productivity.
Not fair to my colleagues, nor is it fair to me.
A part of this whole workplace experience for me is you're not allowed to have boundaries to keep you safe, well, mentally healthy.
If you do, they need to be between 7pm and 7am between your shifts.
They can't be things that need to happen during the shift because realistically everybody has a similar workload.
Others may be managed it better because they have healthier headspaces, more rested, or they're not taking a ride on the struggle bus you're driving in general.
It's not fair to expect your coworkers to take on your work because you're out to lunch and can't do it. It falls on them.
For me, it takes so long to bounce back, it's just not fair.
As a contract nurse, it's expected of us to be robots at full speed with near perfect energy levels and manageability.
Or else, don't work. Don't take a contract. You don't belong here like this.
There's not a lot of empathy, no understanding.
You're there as a body to do the work and when you're done, don't be taking contracts if you're exhausted. Take the time off.
In reality, though, we have bills to pay, things to do, and maybe in this case, trying a place on for size.
I got to a point where I just needed to get to the end of the contract and I would do my best.
My best wasn't good enough at times. I was left feeling like I was less of a person, less important, dehumanized.
The boundary for myself going forward is that I will now not worry about work. I am not going back to work.
I am not doing any of this. I need to rest so that by 3pm, I am not squirreling, unable to be productive.
At this point, I don't even know if that's possible, but I hope it is. I truly hope so. It needs to be possible.
The whole point of this journey is to find out what it takes for me to go back to being human, leaving a job that is just unrealistic for me.
I think about how others don't struggle in the same way I do and I think, what is wrong with me that I can't function in the workplace like everybody else?
Maybe they're tired, yeah, but they still function. Where are they getting this energy?
My mind and body literally shut down, and then what?
I don't know what the answer is, and I can't explain this experience past what I've already mentioned here. How come everybody can do this?
What's going on with me that I can't keep doing this anymore? These are people with full-time jobs, the normalized expectation, the human baseline.
I literally cannot. I can't physically or mentally do it. I choose to believe it just means there has to be another way.
There can't be something so inherently wrong with me that I need to fix so that I can just go back to do all the shit I've already been doing to date.
We're not all built the same. There's a reason for this. There has to be a place that exists for all of us to belong and thrive.
I just need to find that place for me. I think if I had to work a full-time permanent position, God, there's just no fucking way.
I'd end up on a mental health leave and still not be a productive member of society in ways that's deemed appropriate and necessary to belong.
So what the actual fuck is that telling me?
I've ranted long enough today, so I'm going to wrap this up.
To summarize, I don't know how I'm feeling or how I will end up feeling.
I can only hope there's answers I can find for myself to help me heal, rest, and feel better.
Some way that I can find where I belong in the world where I can thrive.
At the very least, work on finding a balance that works with boundaries that keep me from going down another self-destructive path,
because I just can't keep having these midlife crises anymore.
It's getting old real fast, and it ain't cute.
I'll keep you guys posted soon, though. Thanks so much for listening.