So far in this podcast, it's really just been an everyday word. Burnout.
It's the root of this entire journey, this experience, the inspiration, if you will,
though morbid in some sense.
It's more than likely something each and every one of you listening has experienced.
Perhaps you haven't recognized it though, or you've mistaken it as fatigue attributed to a busy period in your life.
I really hope you're lucky and it hasn't impacted you how it has me, where it's pulled me down into the pits of darkness, of despair.
If it has though, well, I do remain hopeful there's a chance to crawl out.
So for this episode, I'm gonna be talking about burnout.
We're gonna explore its definition, and I'm gonna share my personal experience with it. If there's one thing I've learned,
it's that reading bullet point definitions of diagnostic criteria does not accurately define experience.
Personally, I would gaslight myself into believing it didn't fit, but she does.
Let's start with technical definitions. This is cited in the description if you're wanting to know more.
Back in the 70s, a psychologist named Herbert Freudenberger came up with the term, and interestingly,
it was specifically aimed towards those in the helping profession.
That's what we know as doctors, nurses, healthcare aides, the ones who are known to sacrifice themselves as individuals to provide for others in the most vulnerable situations,
also known as healthcare.
Over time, the affliction has expanded to include other disciplines, anything that requires self-sacrifice, which includes but is not limited to caregiving and mothering roles, motherhood.
Interestingly, there isn't such a clearly defined criteria that it's often confused or misdiagnosed as other things, or just mistled together, which is extremely frustrating.
It makes it hard to verbalize how you feel, to truly get an understanding of what people are experiencing, and it's extremely invalidating.
For some reason, it mentions it's not clear what even causes burnout, at the root of it all, which I had to laugh, because when I read this,
I feel pretty clear on what causes burnout.
They term it as feeling fatigued, empty, burned out, and not able to cope.
It involves physical and mental symptoms, usually resulting in sick leaves with work, decreased ability to care for yourself, for others and conflicts with others in various areas of your life, specifically the workplace.
While what I read seemed to focus on work-related burnout, I think that the helping professions tend to attract a certain type of person, or individual.
I'm thinking the people-pleasing type, which is something I heavily identify with.
And that means we're more at risk due to how we live our lives all the time, not just in the workplace.
It's impacted by our relationship with others, but most importantly, our relationship with ourselves, or perhaps the lack thereof.
Symptoms are defined as extreme exhaustion, feeling down, reduced performance in work and in general life.
These definitions also in line with the World Health Organization's synopsis of the International Classification of Disease.
They clearly remark that it is an occupational-related issue and is not an illness within the individual.
Okay, so now that I've read this, I feel real sad about the information that is reputable and out there for consumption on the state of burnout.
It's so vague, and I feel so invalidated reading that.
It's not valuable.
It's way too broad and general.
Not a true encapsulation of the experience whatsoever.
So let's talk about me.
What does burnout look like for me?
First of all, I have an extremely limited capacity to function at any level.
The energy demands of simply existing within my body often take up every ounce of energy I have on any given day.
On the worst days, my body doesn't respond like it should.
My mind commands it to move.
Just grab the toilet paper off the shelf.
Picture this.
I'm in the desert.
I've been there for days, crawling towards any hope of salvation.
I'm dehydrated.
I'm weak.
Each movement feels like it might be my last.
But then I see a water bottle, condensation lining it, indicating it's cool and refreshing.
I so badly want to reach it, but it just takes forever.
My body is struggling to move forward any further than it needs to.
In real time, my body is slow to move and do anything unnecessary.
Do I really need to refill the toilet paper?
I have a couple squares left.
I'll just do it tomorrow.
If I do reach it and replace it, I need to go lay down.
It sounds dramatic, but this is my reality.
On those days, I would just lay there and read.
NAP. I knew I'd need to somehow muster more energy for upcoming slews of shifts, so I would be unable to indulge in activities I enjoy or do anything at all because I just needed to save up energy just to get by.
When I do make it to work or have a better day, by 3pm, I'm utterly exhausted.
I'm spent.
I'm back in that desert, reaching endlessly for that water bottle.
My brain feels sluggish and foggy.
Imagine trudging through thick mud, but I'm at work and people and my colleagues depend on me.
So where is this energy coming from?
There's the conflict, the real problem, and the incoming labels of laziness and competence that I don't care.
Inside, I'm just screaming.
You don't understand.
I need help.
Due to this limited energy, conversations in my daily life don't go as they should.
Someone can be talking about anything at all, and I feel a delay.
It's like it takes 30 seconds to a minute for me to process and register what was said to me.
I imagine I feel like I look dead inside, dead eyes, like I'm uncaring and ignorant.
I have absolutely no ability to smile at this point, to attempt to mask, to attempt to understand and interpret social cues.
I'm not mentally there.
It feels like working 3 night shifts in a row on no sleep.
I could probably sit anywhere quiet and fall asleep upright within minutes if I'm left unattended.
Understandably, this hurts friendships and relationships.
It hurts me inside.
But not having the capacity or energy, I just can't do anything about it.
I can just sit there and watch their disappointment.
When I get confronted and tell them I have no capacity, they don't understand.
They get mad, further explaining their point of view, attempting to get empathy,
attempting to get me to show any emotion that I care, that there's any ounce of love for them in my life.
It makes me so sad.
I just keep saying to myself, they don't get it. I wish they understood.
I can't even explain it to them, because when I try, it's met with, yeah, but this is how you make me feel.
I get that, but you don't.
Messages go unread for days, weeks, sometimes even to the point where it falls off notifications,
and I never get back to them.
In those times, it's that I have nothing left.
It hurts so bad when it's not understood or received by others.
It's also not fair to me.
I'm expected to understand their perspective. They're hurt.
But I can't.
I'm in fight or flight survival mode.
My phone gets put on do not disturb at this point, and I just take space.
I don't care anymore.
Leave if you want. I can't do this.
This isn't who I am.
I could have a list of important chores and things to do, but I can't bring myself to do them.
It gets to the point where I ask myself, will I or anyone die if I do not do this today?
If the answer is no, I don't do it.
Later, I'm so behind that when I do get even the slightest energy reserve, I'm scrambling to get it done.
And then I drag myself back down into that pit.
Journaling and writing, which is an extremely important outlet to me, I can barely engage in.
It requires so much mental energy. It's intense.
To sit and get started seems like the steepest hill climb.
To lay in bed where it's quiet, dark, and I have no obligation standing in front of me.
What a dream.
In those times, I dream of running away.
Of being alone, completely alone, with no one to answer to.
No one but myself.
I've often found myself saying, I wish I could just pause, pause the world, even for just five minutes so I could breathe and clear my mind.
The darker side of it, if you can believe, is the shame and guilt that I feel.
I feel like something is wrong with me.
I look around and sure, people look tired sometimes, but not like this.
Where I see everybody surviving, even thriving, and though I know we only see what others allow us to see,
these people have full-time jobs, lives, families with kids sometimes.
They go out on weekends, on their days off, they do things they love, things that I love.
They camp, they hike, they travel, adding numbers of books read to their yearly total, baking, making time to paint,
going out for food with friends and family, socializing, making memories.
What am I doing wrong in my life that I can't have the same enjoyable experience as everybody else?
Why is it that yet again, everything is ten times harder for me to attain?
Never mind, keep up with.
When I was in nursing school, I struggled. I struggled, I struggled, I struggled.
I needed to record the lectures, I would go home, re-listen to them after class, and make notes.
Then I would restructure the material of each lecture in a way I could understand, in order to re-teach it to myself,
and make new notes that made sense to me.
So, while everybody was having the time of their lives in college, going out between assignments,
getting good grades with what seemed like minimal effort, I was slaving away to make ends meet.
I often wondered, why the hell is this so fucking difficult for me?
This is how I feel now, but about keeping up with life.
I can't even do the stay alive and go to work full time part.
Never mind anything else, quite literally I'm unable to do anything else.
So it's easy to sit with this and truly believe something is inherently wrong with me,
and not to mention the judgment of others, though unintentional,
compounds to confirm what I already feel deep within.
When people haven't been there and don't understand, any advice being given is not helpful whatsoever,
and sometimes you can even see it in their eyes.
They think something's wrong with you, and they pity you, because they're functioning, despite their difficulties,
and being hard on yourself like this is certainly not what you need at all.
For anyone who resonates with any of this, who understands, I want you to know I feel you.
I understand.
You're not alone.
I'm sorry for any time anyone's made you feel worse about something you're not actually in control of,
or capable of handling.
You absolutely deserve a safe space in which to exist within this experience,
and I hope that if nothing else, this episode at least allows you to feel seen and valued and understood.
Going forward, my goals for recovery for this are just going back to basics, plain and simple.
I want to get back to a place where I can maintain my important relationships
without draining the rest of my battery for the day.
I don't want to be completely gassed by 3pm, unable to make use of the rest of a beautiful day.
I want to be able to enjoy my favorite activities on a regular basis,
and really feel like I get enjoyment and pleasure from life,
which is what all of us humans deserve.
Otherwise, what's the point of being alive?
I'm also hoping to discover a bit more about myself,
what boundaries are needed to prevent this from happening again, and how to keep myself safe,
so that I can grow my self-confidence and verbalize what I need, when I need it, and then take exactly that.
To truly feel at peace, balanced, and not part of the hustle and bustle, the rat race of a life that everybody chases,
the life I'm not meant for and don't align with, a life I don't even want.
I want to find my space in the world, exactly as I'm meant to, and my purpose.
So I'm going to break it down.
How I plan to accomplish this.
The pause. Taking all the time in the world that I need.
While I do have a financial cushion that will allow me to do this,
I know I will not be a functional member of society and provide for myself financially if I am not functional at baseline.
I acknowledge I am very blessed to be in this position.
I know some people would end up on the streets if they stopped working completely.
I don't know what the answer is for you, but for me, I am taking a huge pause with work and any work-related things.
Right now, I largely blame work and society for this breakdown, so I'm nipping that in the bud, and then I'll reassess later.
You've listened to other episodes so you know what my plan is, and it really doesn't involve returning to that realm,
but for brevity's sake, this is what it is right now.
Rest. Glorious. Restful sleep.
Ugh, all of it. Whenever I need it. Whenever I want it. Rest.
Anytime I need a nap, I'm going to lay down.
If it's 6pm and I want to go to bed, I'm going to bed.
If my body hurts and I'm dragging my feet, exercise can wait.
Nothing strenuous on my body.
Sleep, sleep, sleep. As much of it as I need. As much of it as I can.
Listen to myself. To my body.
When I feel myself reaching near depletion, I'm going to stop what I'm doing, and I'm going to rest.
Whether it be a vegetable on the couch with a book, looking up at a blank ceiling for 3 hours, or sleep, it's happening.
I absolutely cannot let myself reach that point ever again.
I need to rest. I need to heal.
It won't happen if I keep pushing myself to the brink or past it.
If I am sore, I will gently stretch and not push beyond my means.
One thing I've learned is that my body tells me when I've had enough, and now I'm all ears. I'm listening.
Self-love and self-care. I don't mean bubble baths, unless of course that's what I want to do.
I'm highly emotionally intelligent, creative, and adventurous.
The things that light my soul on fire and make me feel inspired are things I desperately need to carve space for in my life.
To read. To write. To create. To simply exist and be in awe of what's around me.
Making sure I take time to spend in nature, to smell the delicious smell of the fall leaves fresh on the ground, yellow and orange, just lighting up the forest.
To feel the urge to put paint to paper and allow it to happen and flow out of me without judgment.
To hear words come to mind and stop what I'm doing to put them to paper. To explore them, to feel them. The things I love.
Everything I've deprived myself of because I was too busy, didn't have the time, didn't have the energy, and because work and that part of life came first.
Not anymore. No. This. This is where I know I will find most healing on my journey.
Life is about living it, not just existing. This is where living exists for me.
The creating.
Movement and spiritual expression.
This isn't for everybody, but of course we all know by now moving our bodies and being in tune with our physical self in the present space we're existing is so powerful.
For me, that means taking time to move my body purposely. Actively planned exercise.
It helps keep my routine, keeps me grounded, and it allows me to feel like I'm taking care of myself physically.
Staying healthy in my body so I can do the active things I love.
Sometimes I can't find that energy or my body hurts and I'm not able to do strenuous things.
On those days, I'm going to go for a light walk while I indulge in a podcast or an audiobook, just to simply have movement.
I always find I feel more mental clarity after these moments.
I've been practicing a deeper level of activity though, and what's really helped me keep going on the worst days is meditation and yoga.
Stretching the body that is so sore, it feels so delicious, like a hug when you're feeling sad.
This is truly how it feels for me.
Yoga isn't some difficult exercise I do.
I do a more breath-focused style that incorporates light stretching and focuses on being present.
Breathing really helps ground you to the present moment and clears your mind, which is why I also participate daily if I can in meditation.
It's guided and it's difficult.
It's gotten easier over time and with practice, but it's still at times uncomfortable.
Even on the worst days, I still find I open my eyes and I'm more calm, connected.
It's honestly been the saving grace of the last two months of this contract.
I probably didn't yell angrily at anyone or tell anyone to fuck off because of the meditation,
so I usually do it first thing in the morning after stretch or workout, and it's something I'm extremely committed to continuing because I can feel that it's beneficial for me.
Therapy.
Something I did for two years or more in the past for similar aspects of this.
Going back to therapy really won't have added benefits for me at this point, except to review what I've already learned.
I do plan to deep dive into the material and notes I've kept through my therapy sessions
to remind myself of things that I can implement to help further.
Most of it is what's in the game plan for now.
If you haven't had therapy from a reputable therapist that's the right fit for you, this is extremely beneficial on so many levels.
I know it's not something everyone can afford, but I gently remind you to think about how you're impeding your own progress of healing by not getting the help you need or help yourself, however that looks.
I spent a lot of money on therapy and psychologists to get to the bottom of things, and my life has improved drastically.
Otherwise, I'd be in a worse position right now, and I would have stayed at baseline barely functioning, and there would have been a crash and burn scenario, or I just would never have gotten ahead.
I'd be stuck in the past forever.
I felt that was way worse than the money needed to spend to help myself.
Without being functional, you're not able to keep that job that pays your bills anyways.
A temporary setback for future gain is absolutely worth considering.
It's amazing where you can find the funds when you truly need it.
That's just a gentle reminder.