1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,440 Just a note, the content of this episode was created September 4th with my contract ending 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:11,760 September 6th. Obviously recorded after the fact. The content contained within is still accurate and 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:19,520 was transcribed at the time for accuracy purposes. I wanted to share some pre-contract ending thoughts 4 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,920 and feelings I've had, how things are going at present in light of everything that's happened, 5 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:31,440 and what I've announced. It feels surreal right now. Like this isn't reality. Like it's not actually 6 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:37,040 happening. I actually can't fathom what's about to happen. That my contract will end and I'll soon 7 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:42,880 embark on a spiritual pilgrimage that'll upend my entire life down a new path. One that isn't 8 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:47,520 neatly mapped out or certain. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's where my mind's at 9 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:53,440 right now. The time is so near and I just find myself asking, is this what's gonna happen? This is 10 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:59,040 just what it is now? It's so weird. We plan countdowns for things we look forward to. 11 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:04,560 Holidays, vacations, adventures, timelines for things, and then suddenly it's right there. I'm 12 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:10,160 thinking, wait, what? Almost like the prospect of it. The idea of it is the most exciting part, 13 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:16,480 and then it arrives and you're just like, oh, it's not bad. It's just right there, right around the 14 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:24,480 corner. Is this happening? What do I even do? Is this real life? It's surreal, honestly. 15 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:30,000 The anticipation and excitement has been building up, but the reality is the overwhelm I've 16 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:34,960 experienced lately, the level of burnout I've reached, and how I've admittedly used the idea of 17 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:42,480 my future as an escape. I haven't had time to plan anything past this point, this idea. I've just been 18 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:47,440 putting one foot in front of the other to survive to just get it done, to reach the finish line. 19 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,560 If you've ever completed a long, rigorous hike, it feels like those last two kilometers. 20 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:57,760 You're almost there. You keep going, keep breathing. You stop thinking of anything else, 21 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:04,080 except the focus needed to push forward. The end is so near, you can taste it. I have this huge 22 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:10,160 task list of things to do, immediate things, things in the near future, and things further on, 23 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:15,920 things I just want to throw the towel in and say fuck it, and walk away. It's the most overwhelming 24 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:20,480 thing. They're big things, like packing up this entire condo I've lived in for the last year and 25 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:26,720 a half, moving on by belongings up north, which at this point require so many trips, and using up my 26 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:32,720 precious days off I have left. All of this just makes me notice patterns within myself that I'm 27 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:38,240 just frankly so sick of. While I'm sick of everything, I'm just also sick of myself right now, and 28 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:44,720 for lack of better term, sick of my shit. Just an example, I've moved a few times across provinces 29 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:51,040 now, and though this isn't an official move, it's just as daunting as one. I've been here so long. 30 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:57,120 How does one accumulate so much crap? Like why? I don't even need half this shit. I always have 31 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,520 this idea in my head that I'd love to be a minimalist, and travel nursing has just really 32 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,680 taught me you don't need much to survive on and be happy with, especially when you're doing short 33 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:12,080 term contracts. But here I am, packing again, and I'm noticing how much I'm ending up with after all 34 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:18,720 this time. What is wrong with me? Why am I so focused on material things? Things don't matter, 35 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,920 and I know this, and it just makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I should know better 36 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:30,720 by now. I'll make excuses here and add that some of the things I'm packing are my own from when I 37 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:36,320 was a homeowner. Larger appliances I use for cooking and baking. Conveniences that make it easier, 38 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:42,800 but also take up space. The fun stuff, if you will. Overall though, I don't really have many 39 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:49,040 feelings flowing through me right now. It feels like I'm on the verge, the cusp. Like I am standing 40 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:54,560 on the edge of a cliff, and it's the end of the line, and there's such a huge drop. A long distance 41 00:03:54,560 --> 00:04:00,240 to fall is all I see. There's so many emotions floating around in the background, but I'm not 42 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:06,400 currently feeling any of them. They're just swirling, like clouds, threatening a huge storm. 43 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:13,040 I know eventually they'll rise to the surface, and I will be forced to feel them. It will hurt. 44 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:20,320 Sadness, happiness, every color of the rainbow as a motion. I just can't bring myself to label them 45 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,880 right now, because I just feel like holy shit, continually coursing through me right now. 46 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:31,280 So many times in the past, I've planned to do great things, where I wanted to engage in creative 47 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:38,000 endeavors, social media projects. I've had so many plans and ideas, I've stuck my foot in the frame 48 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:43,600 of the door. Believe it or not, I created a whole ass business plan, but it never went anywhere, 49 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:49,040 except now it lives on a hard drive to linger and be forgotten. I get scared, 50 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:56,080 it's daunting, the fear of failure not succeeding, that people will laugh at me. I revert inwards 51 00:04:56,080 --> 00:05:01,760 and tend to hide so much, keep so much a secret, and in doing so, I never feel supported enough to 52 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:08,000 get through that wall, that fear. The go ahead is just never ignited, the gusto, the bravery, 53 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:12,880 the move ahead never comes. It's like the brave individuals who post about their weight loss 54 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:17,520 journey so publicly, for accountability. They make posts so they don't feel like they can back out, 55 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,920 because people are now watching and cheering them on, and they don't want to disappoint them. 56 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:29,200 I tended to not like people watching me for a number of reasons, so I just never started in the 57 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:36,000 first place. It's so early on, mostly just an idea. At the time you hear this, there will be a dozen 58 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:41,040 or so episodes pending release, and it will be further than that. Because this time, I made the 59 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:46,880 choice and took the risk to share my plans. I tested the waters to see how it would be received by 60 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:51,520 others. I found that the more I shared, the more I noticed my biggest fears and judgments actually 61 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:55,840 just come from within me, that I'm my biggest critic. While it's possible that people are 62 00:05:55,840 --> 00:06:02,000 withholding judgment, I feel more comfortable and inspired to go on. I've noticed people have an 63 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:08,400 easier time judging, being negative, and what they'd refer to themselves as realistic, although I would 64 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:15,280 argue pessimistic. People have been nothing but kind, encouraging and supportive. More so than I 65 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:21,040 ever imagined possible. I especially love the look of awe and excitement I see in their eyes and on 66 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:27,040 their faces when I tell them my plan. It's genuine. Holy shit, that's so cool. I can't wait to follow 67 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:33,280 along. Where do I sign up? Colleagues who don't use social media to follow other co-workers have made 68 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:39,760 exceptions to be able to get notifications of when these episodes are released. I've been congratulated 69 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:45,040 on being brave, taking the risks and doing what most people wouldn't have the guts to do, 70 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:49,760 or just might not have the opportunity. Some people have families, responsibilities, 71 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:54,880 financial limitations, other factors standing between them and the ability to chase or follow 72 00:06:54,880 --> 00:07:00,400 their dreams, or simply the old societal norms that keep people rooted in their fears, that their 73 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:06,640 dreams are too outlandish. A low whisper reminding us at every turn that our dreams aren't necessarily 74 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:12,000 what we should be dreaming in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some very 75 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:17,520 legitimate reasons, and I'm not judging. For me though, the time is now. I'm young, I don't have a 76 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:25,200 family, I don't have ties, I don't have a home, nothing's holding me back, except myself. My thoughts, 77 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:32,320 preconceived notions, my judgments. Encouragement exists around me to do it now, not later, so that 78 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:37,600 I don't have any regrets. I've shared this with older individuals who say they wish they had done 79 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,200 something like this when they were younger, or simply just followed their own unique set of 80 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,680 dreams, so that they wouldn't have doubts or regret at the point they're at in life now. 81 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:51,360 What if it had been different? What if I'd follow my dreams? It's such a recurrent theme, 82 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:57,280 and it's going to be mentioned so many times, but it's just stuck with me. This is so important for 83 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:05,120 me to do, no matter what, no matter how scared I am. I gotta do it, and I will, and I am. I'm doing 84 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:10,480 it right now. It might not look exactly how I pictured my head, though it is fair to mention 85 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:16,240 I haven't had time to picture anything except escaping the now. But I'm definitely doing this, 86 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,320 and all that I've shared so far in the world, there's been too much feedback and encouragement 87 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:26,080 that I can't stop now. I read one of my short pieces I wrote to my colleagues on my last shift I 88 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:32,320 worked. I was so nervous, but when I was reading, I found that it felt really natural. It flowed out 89 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:39,200 of me. It was like, I was no longer in the room, but I was in my story, in my feelings, in the now, 90 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:45,440 when the piece was written, conveying all meaning and intonation in the ways that brought what I 91 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:51,680 had written to life in the most authentic of ways. It was a really emotional experience for me. It 92 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:57,840 was filled with vulnerability, tears threatened to fall, the pace was on point, I was not rushing to 93 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:05,280 get through it because I was nervous. I relived the event. In the end, everyone stopped. Silence. 94 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:11,120 I was shaking. I immediately told everybody I was nervous and anxious and worried I had done the right 95 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:17,760 thing. In reality, it was such an emotional piece that it took time to process. I was encouraged to 96 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:25,040 write the book to pursue this. It was touching for everybody involved, and it felt right. If I should 97 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:31,680 say when, let's start manifesting. When I write and publish a book, I want to be the one to record 98 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:37,920 the audiobook edition. I know that it will help people feel the intended emotions, and I've also 99 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:42,400 always personally just preferred when authors read their own work. They did write it after all. 100 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:48,240 I've been playing it off with, well, if it doesn't work, I can always just come back, with a ha ha. 101 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:54,480 Even though deep down when I say that, I just cringe. I've been told it's an amazing idea, 102 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:59,680 and there's no way I won't succeed. So here's what I'm going to say, to encourage myself. 103 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:06,560 I believe that I will be successful. I will make it and make money doing this. I will be able to fund 104 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:12,240 my future adventures and more writing to create a lifestyle that suits my needs. I just need to push 105 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:18,160 through the roadblocks and mental barriers. I need to find a way to navigate when I need to let myself 106 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:24,240 rest, when I need to push myself to be productive, to write, to record, and then balance it all with 107 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:30,880 repairing my mental health, all without letting it impede the flow of things. For now, I'm putting 108 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:54,880 one foot in front of the other. I will make it past the finish line and rest up. Then it's showtime, baby.