Just a note, the content of this episode was created September 4th with my contract ending
September 6th. Obviously recorded after the fact. The content contained within is still accurate and
was transcribed at the time for accuracy purposes. I wanted to share some pre-contract ending thoughts
and feelings I've had, how things are going at present in light of everything that's happened,
and what I've announced. It feels surreal right now. Like this isn't reality. Like it's not actually
happening. I actually can't fathom what's about to happen. That my contract will end and I'll soon
embark on a spiritual pilgrimage that'll upend my entire life down a new path. One that isn't
neatly mapped out or certain. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's where my mind's at
right now. The time is so near and I just find myself asking, is this what's gonna happen? This is
just what it is now? It's so weird. We plan countdowns for things we look forward to.
Holidays, vacations, adventures, timelines for things, and then suddenly it's right there. I'm
thinking, wait, what? Almost like the prospect of it. The idea of it is the most exciting part,
and then it arrives and you're just like, oh, it's not bad. It's just right there, right around the
corner. Is this happening? What do I even do? Is this real life? It's surreal, honestly.
The anticipation and excitement has been building up, but the reality is the overwhelm I've
experienced lately, the level of burnout I've reached, and how I've admittedly used the idea of
my future as an escape. I haven't had time to plan anything past this point, this idea. I've just been
putting one foot in front of the other to survive to just get it done, to reach the finish line.
If you've ever completed a long, rigorous hike, it feels like those last two kilometers.
You're almost there. You keep going, keep breathing. You stop thinking of anything else,
except the focus needed to push forward. The end is so near, you can taste it. I have this huge
task list of things to do, immediate things, things in the near future, and things further on,
things I just want to throw the towel in and say fuck it, and walk away. It's the most overwhelming
thing. They're big things, like packing up this entire condo I've lived in for the last year and
a half, moving on by belongings up north, which at this point require so many trips, and using up my
precious days off I have left. All of this just makes me notice patterns within myself that I'm
just frankly so sick of. While I'm sick of everything, I'm just also sick of myself right now, and
for lack of better term, sick of my shit. Just an example, I've moved a few times across provinces
now, and though this isn't an official move, it's just as daunting as one. I've been here so long.
How does one accumulate so much crap? Like why? I don't even need half this shit. I always have
this idea in my head that I'd love to be a minimalist, and travel nursing has just really
taught me you don't need much to survive on and be happy with, especially when you're doing short
term contracts. But here I am, packing again, and I'm noticing how much I'm ending up with after all
this time. What is wrong with me? Why am I so focused on material things? Things don't matter,
and I know this, and it just makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I should know better
by now. I'll make excuses here and add that some of the things I'm packing are my own from when I
was a homeowner. Larger appliances I use for cooking and baking. Conveniences that make it easier,
but also take up space. The fun stuff, if you will. Overall though, I don't really have many
feelings flowing through me right now. It feels like I'm on the verge, the cusp. Like I am standing
on the edge of a cliff, and it's the end of the line, and there's such a huge drop. A long distance
to fall is all I see. There's so many emotions floating around in the background, but I'm not
currently feeling any of them. They're just swirling, like clouds, threatening a huge storm.
I know eventually they'll rise to the surface, and I will be forced to feel them. It will hurt.
Sadness, happiness, every color of the rainbow as a motion. I just can't bring myself to label them
right now, because I just feel like holy shit, continually coursing through me right now.
So many times in the past, I've planned to do great things, where I wanted to engage in creative
endeavors, social media projects. I've had so many plans and ideas, I've stuck my foot in the frame
of the door. Believe it or not, I created a whole ass business plan, but it never went anywhere,
except now it lives on a hard drive to linger and be forgotten. I get scared,
it's daunting, the fear of failure not succeeding, that people will laugh at me. I revert inwards
and tend to hide so much, keep so much a secret, and in doing so, I never feel supported enough to
get through that wall, that fear. The go ahead is just never ignited, the gusto, the bravery,
the move ahead never comes. It's like the brave individuals who post about their weight loss
journey so publicly, for accountability. They make posts so they don't feel like they can back out,
because people are now watching and cheering them on, and they don't want to disappoint them.
I tended to not like people watching me for a number of reasons, so I just never started in the
first place. It's so early on, mostly just an idea. At the time you hear this, there will be a dozen
or so episodes pending release, and it will be further than that. Because this time, I made the
choice and took the risk to share my plans. I tested the waters to see how it would be received by
others. I found that the more I shared, the more I noticed my biggest fears and judgments actually
just come from within me, that I'm my biggest critic. While it's possible that people are
withholding judgment, I feel more comfortable and inspired to go on. I've noticed people have an
easier time judging, being negative, and what they'd refer to themselves as realistic, although I would
argue pessimistic. People have been nothing but kind, encouraging and supportive. More so than I
ever imagined possible. I especially love the look of awe and excitement I see in their eyes and on
their faces when I tell them my plan. It's genuine. Holy shit, that's so cool. I can't wait to follow
along. Where do I sign up? Colleagues who don't use social media to follow other co-workers have made
exceptions to be able to get notifications of when these episodes are released. I've been congratulated
on being brave, taking the risks and doing what most people wouldn't have the guts to do,
or just might not have the opportunity. Some people have families, responsibilities,
financial limitations, other factors standing between them and the ability to chase or follow
their dreams, or simply the old societal norms that keep people rooted in their fears, that their
dreams are too outlandish. A low whisper reminding us at every turn that our dreams aren't necessarily
what we should be dreaming in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some very
legitimate reasons, and I'm not judging. For me though, the time is now. I'm young, I don't have a
family, I don't have ties, I don't have a home, nothing's holding me back, except myself. My thoughts,
preconceived notions, my judgments. Encouragement exists around me to do it now, not later, so that
I don't have any regrets. I've shared this with older individuals who say they wish they had done
something like this when they were younger, or simply just followed their own unique set of
dreams, so that they wouldn't have doubts or regret at the point they're at in life now.
What if it had been different? What if I'd follow my dreams? It's such a recurrent theme,
and it's going to be mentioned so many times, but it's just stuck with me. This is so important for
me to do, no matter what, no matter how scared I am. I gotta do it, and I will, and I am. I'm doing
it right now. It might not look exactly how I pictured my head, though it is fair to mention
I haven't had time to picture anything except escaping the now. But I'm definitely doing this,
and all that I've shared so far in the world, there's been too much feedback and encouragement
that I can't stop now. I read one of my short pieces I wrote to my colleagues on my last shift I
worked. I was so nervous, but when I was reading, I found that it felt really natural. It flowed out
of me. It was like, I was no longer in the room, but I was in my story, in my feelings, in the now,
when the piece was written, conveying all meaning and intonation in the ways that brought what I
had written to life in the most authentic of ways. It was a really emotional experience for me. It
was filled with vulnerability, tears threatened to fall, the pace was on point, I was not rushing to
get through it because I was nervous. I relived the event. In the end, everyone stopped. Silence.
I was shaking. I immediately told everybody I was nervous and anxious and worried I had done the right
thing. In reality, it was such an emotional piece that it took time to process. I was encouraged to
write the book to pursue this. It was touching for everybody involved, and it felt right. If I should
say when, let's start manifesting. When I write and publish a book, I want to be the one to record
the audiobook edition. I know that it will help people feel the intended emotions, and I've also
always personally just preferred when authors read their own work. They did write it after all.
I've been playing it off with, well, if it doesn't work, I can always just come back, with a ha ha.
Even though deep down when I say that, I just cringe. I've been told it's an amazing idea,
and there's no way I won't succeed. So here's what I'm going to say, to encourage myself.
I believe that I will be successful. I will make it and make money doing this. I will be able to fund
my future adventures and more writing to create a lifestyle that suits my needs. I just need to push
through the roadblocks and mental barriers. I need to find a way to navigate when I need to let myself
rest, when I need to push myself to be productive, to write, to record, and then balance it all with
repairing my mental health, all without letting it impede the flow of things. For now, I'm putting
one foot in front of the other. I will make it past the finish line and rest up. Then it's showtime, baby.