It strikes me as a surprise, the extent of which I am left speechless at the fact that
there will be goodbyes.
That there are goodbyes happening in the now.
I've been so overwhelmed, overworked, overly emotional, that I forgot a critical part in
getting ready to leave.
The closing of a chapter.
The goodbyes.
I keep posting countdowns about my contract end date and how many shifts are left before
I'm officially done, but for some reason it doesn't sit on the same shelf as the goodbyes.
A contract coming to an end means goodbyes.
This is fact.
How did my brain not realize that?
I imagine everybody would say they're not good at goodbyes.
It's a bittersweet space in which to reside, though temporary.
I'm more than happy to buy or sign a card, get a cake, and celebrate others departing,
especially in the world of travel nursing.
It happens, that's the part that's guaranteed.
The coming and the going.
The beginning of contracts and the ends.
For me though, yikes.
This one's about to get deep, in ways I wasn't even prepared to acknowledge or recognize.
I'm a deep thinker, an overthinker to be exact, but I will admit there are things about which
I don't think, unless I don't have a choice, or come across a reason to think about it.
And I guess this would be as good as any, to dive into what goodbyes mean to me, and
how it felt to leave Kamsa in my rear view.
The moment it hit me was when my friend came to give me back the spare key to the condo,
just a chit chat.
I suppose she had come to say goodbye as well.
As we stood in the entryway, it dawned on me.
I started bawling.
What's wrong?
She asked.
I don't want to say goodbye.
So we hugged each other.
She said it wasn't goodbye.
It was a see later.
I realized this is true.
At least it's what feels true.
She's one of the best friends I've ever had in my life, and I can't imagine distance
or time changing that.
It just made me hyper aware of the goodbye, the concept of the goodbye, how it hadn't
even registered in my brain.
I felt guilty, like a horrible human.
Why am I like this?
I thought.
How did I not realize?
It means so many things.
It means the last time I saw my friends were the last time I saw my friends.
Maybe not forever, but for a long time.
I was so busy getting ready to pack and move and trying to hang on to the life raft I had
created for myself that I forgot I should like to say goodbye that people will miss
me to a greater extent than I realized.
And maybe that's what it is.
A fear.
The doctor living across the hall from me saw me hauling a cart full of moving boxes
down.
You're moving?
He seemed shocked.
Well yeah, my contract is done.
Oh.
He hesitated.
And it got kind of awkward.
He told me it had been a pleasure to work with me and he'd hoped to see me again in
the future.
He seemed kind of sad in a way.
Like my absence would be missed or noticed.
I need to say that again.
My absence would be missed.
I would be missed.
I live many of my days in fear of not being accepted for who I am and how I am.
I hide so much of myself as a precaution.
You can't decide that I'm not accepted or unwanted if you don't know who I really
am.
You can reject some superficial stuff, but that's about it.
A defense mechanism.
Protection.
But then if there are people that exist that are sad of my leaving, that means I was seen.
I was accepted.
And so my heart that is skillfully hidden behind a giant wall just crumbles.
I was seen.
I am loved.
Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?
For some reason, I have been made to believe that I am unworthy of love, unworthy of affection
and appreciation that other people are worthy of.
I can love and I love like hell.
I can appreciate and I can miss others.
But I somehow don't think that others should miss love or appreciate me.
My self-esteem is shaken here in the now, recognizing this.
I've always felt these ways, but it almost makes me feel more guilty to see that others
do love me.
They do miss me.
They do see me.
Most of the time I'm so stuck and focused on my insecurities, my goals, and keeping
myself safe and protected from potential hurt by others that I don't sit in the moment.
I don't absorb that this acceptance and love is growing and being formed towards me.
I am aware of the love I build towards others, but not the other way around.
It's like I'm scared to receive it.
Am I running from the things I want most in the world?
The things I cry about and write about?
That obviously I do have access to but somehow shy away from?
What the actual fuck?
If you don't have much personal experience with self-awareness and these eye-opening
moments, I'm telling you, they are a lot to handle.
So I'm too busy in my own world, keeping my own shit on lock that I don't get to appreciate,
receive, and embrace the love others hold for me, all the while trying to push it away,
and then doing the thing where I don't acknowledge it.
I don't see it until it's too late.
I have also never thought about this before.
I suppose if people didn't enjoy me or my company, they wouldn't invite me to things
or hang out with me or spend time with me of their own choice.
It just doesn't hit me in that moment or I don't see it that way, but I should.
Because when people make time for you and ask to spend time with you, it's because they
love you.
It's why I spend time with people that I hold dear.
God, this makes me feel so fucked up.
At work, a couple colleagues were asking about my last shifts and when they would be and
what my plans were for the future.
There were so many, we hope you come back someday, come visit.
Maybe someday you'll come back as a permanent staff.
It's going to be so weird without you, you're a part of the team.
It was really sweet, but it felt, a heart felt.
Like there was a loss happening in the here and now and it would be felt and noticed by
these people.
I was touched, but it was also really awkward.
I didn't know what to say or do.
It felt like I wish I hadn't told them when I was leaving so I could just cleanly escape
without having to say goodbye.
God, what if they try and throw me a party or give me a cake?
I don't want that nonsense.
I don't want the attention on me.
I feel ashamed and guilty for the ways I've behaved, some of the miscommunications and
arguments I've had with colleagues and whatever, whenever I had shitty attitudes or wasn't
a team player due to internal conflicts that really just prevented me from being my best
at work.
I feel so guilty for this.
I feel guilt for the things I've said to myself and my journal out of anger regarding
certain people and situations and for them to be so kind and thoughtful to hold space
for a soft goodbye.
Normal people are able to have bad moments with people and not ruin their entire opinion
of them, but I struggle to not see the simmer forever after someone's hurt me, my feelings,
or presented me with disrespect.
I realize that I am not and I hold on to hate and negativity so much longer than I need
to and as a result poison only myself in this process.
I also feel so sad.
My heart feels like it swallows and softens.
Like when you boil a tomato, it holds its shape once complete, but if you're not careful
with how you handle it, it falls apart.
Everyone needs to stop looking at me.
I feel so small.
What if I start to cry?
I would definitely cry.
But what if I can't stop?
Then it would just lead to other curious insecurities and fears.
What if I'm making a mistake?
What if I should be staying?
I belong here.
Right?
I imagine it looks and feels like when bird parents see their babies off for the final
time or I guess parents, human parents sending their kids off into the world of college and
university.
I guess the truth is I don't like the goodbyes.
I've just always avoided them if I could, so I wouldn't need to do them.
Many of the times, my mind would clearly tell me not to worry.
It's not the last time.
I will see them again.
Plus, with the invention of social media and Facebook and how active I am, it would be like
we never left.
We never parted ways.
I know that's not necessarily true.
So many people I've tried to not say goodbye to or did so I haven't seen again.
I do think of them and I do reflect fondly on our memories, but I don't know.
It's just, I guess I make promises I can't keep in deflecting so I could avoid goodbyes.
If I say it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later, that means I plan to come back to make
that effort and take the time.
But I know that I can't.
I am not easily tied down to one place or person and I struggle with maintaining social
contact with the insane number of incredible people I've met in my journey.
It's why I started being more active on social media and a part of why this podcast in my
journey is so meaningful to be shared to keep everybody updated.
And of course, the other stuff I've mentioned.
I'm creative, I love to create and share, so it just fits.
Otherwise, the fear of goodbyes, I'm still not really sure the extent of it.
I think what I've mentioned here today is enough heavy content to ponder for time to
come.
Definitely.
I think the hardest goodbye of them all will be the one I have with my partner and his
family.
Of course we're going to make it work.
Of course we'll do our best to connect and see each other when we can, but it's the
distance I will feel in my heart in the most painful of ways and I don't know that I'll
be able to stay far for very long.
I know that this knowledge has been impacting my feeling towards everything.
I am trying not to fall apart not only because I'm struggling to stay in the present and
do the job for my final two shifts, but because I know I will fall apart knowing I will drive
away with Tabby and it's going to be real.
It will be real.
All of it.
The end.
The new beginning.
The space for the in-between will change too.
I'm recording this before the official goodbyes happen to get my thoughts out into the open
while I have them before they float away and I move on to something else completely without
really pulling from it as experience to share.
I'm bad for that, so I'm trying to find ways I can make it work to put ideas and concepts
to paper before they skate me.
All of what I've said still rings true.
This contract has been such a learning experience for me and I can see it's come with less
lessons in ways I didn't imagine.
Because of this, I can see I have more work to do in really just trying to pause, be present,
and truly let love in.
To let others know me, see me, accept me, give them a chance to.
In not allowing them to, I'm ultimately causing myself to not be accepted, to feel the hurt
I was scared to feel in the first place, and it's a waste of time.
What if I could just give the chance to be seen, heard, and known, to be accepted and
loved?
That way, if I'm rejected, I only need to experience it when it happens, not before,
during, and after any and every interaction with people.
I'm sure there will be more acceptance than not, and I need to stop roadblocking myself
and hurting myself more.
It seems that's what I know, how to hurt myself before others do, to disappoint before I'm
disappointed.
Alright, guys, I need to sign off here before I cry.
I'll follow up eventually if I come up with plans or ways to deal with all the heavy stuff,
but for now, simply naming and labeling it was a lot, and I think the beginning of a
new path for me.
Thanks for listening, much love.