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It strikes me as a surprise, the extent of which I am left speechless at the fact that

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there will be goodbyes.

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That there are goodbyes happening in the now.

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I've been so overwhelmed, overworked, overly emotional, that I forgot a critical part in

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getting ready to leave.

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The closing of a chapter.

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The goodbyes.

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I keep posting countdowns about my contract end date and how many shifts are left before

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I'm officially done, but for some reason it doesn't sit on the same shelf as the goodbyes.

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A contract coming to an end means goodbyes.

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This is fact.

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How did my brain not realize that?

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I imagine everybody would say they're not good at goodbyes.

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It's a bittersweet space in which to reside, though temporary.

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I'm more than happy to buy or sign a card, get a cake, and celebrate others departing,

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especially in the world of travel nursing.

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It happens, that's the part that's guaranteed.

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The coming and the going.

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The beginning of contracts and the ends.

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For me though, yikes.

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This one's about to get deep, in ways I wasn't even prepared to acknowledge or recognize.

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I'm a deep thinker, an overthinker to be exact, but I will admit there are things about which

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I don't think, unless I don't have a choice, or come across a reason to think about it.

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And I guess this would be as good as any, to dive into what goodbyes mean to me, and

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how it felt to leave Kamsa in my rear view.

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The moment it hit me was when my friend came to give me back the spare key to the condo,

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just a chit chat.

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I suppose she had come to say goodbye as well.

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As we stood in the entryway, it dawned on me.

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I started bawling.

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What's wrong?

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She asked.

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I don't want to say goodbye.

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So we hugged each other.

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She said it wasn't goodbye.

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It was a see later.

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I realized this is true.

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At least it's what feels true.

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She's one of the best friends I've ever had in my life, and I can't imagine distance

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or time changing that.

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It just made me hyper aware of the goodbye, the concept of the goodbye, how it hadn't

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even registered in my brain.

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I felt guilty, like a horrible human.

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Why am I like this?

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I thought.

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How did I not realize?

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It means so many things.

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It means the last time I saw my friends were the last time I saw my friends.

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Maybe not forever, but for a long time.

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I was so busy getting ready to pack and move and trying to hang on to the life raft I had

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created for myself that I forgot I should like to say goodbye that people will miss

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me to a greater extent than I realized.

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And maybe that's what it is.

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A fear.

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The doctor living across the hall from me saw me hauling a cart full of moving boxes

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down.

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You're moving?

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He seemed shocked.

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Well yeah, my contract is done.

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Oh.

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He hesitated.

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And it got kind of awkward.

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He told me it had been a pleasure to work with me and he'd hoped to see me again in

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the future.

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He seemed kind of sad in a way.

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Like my absence would be missed or noticed.

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I need to say that again.

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My absence would be missed.

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I would be missed.

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I live many of my days in fear of not being accepted for who I am and how I am.

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I hide so much of myself as a precaution.

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You can't decide that I'm not accepted or unwanted if you don't know who I really

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am.

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You can reject some superficial stuff, but that's about it.

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A defense mechanism.

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Protection.

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But then if there are people that exist that are sad of my leaving, that means I was seen.

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I was accepted.

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And so my heart that is skillfully hidden behind a giant wall just crumbles.

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I was seen.

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I am loved.

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Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?

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For some reason, I have been made to believe that I am unworthy of love, unworthy of affection

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and appreciation that other people are worthy of.

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I can love and I love like hell.

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I can appreciate and I can miss others.

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But I somehow don't think that others should miss love or appreciate me.

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My self-esteem is shaken here in the now, recognizing this.

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I've always felt these ways, but it almost makes me feel more guilty to see that others

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do love me.

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They do miss me.

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They do see me.

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Most of the time I'm so stuck and focused on my insecurities, my goals, and keeping

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myself safe and protected from potential hurt by others that I don't sit in the moment.

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I don't absorb that this acceptance and love is growing and being formed towards me.

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I am aware of the love I build towards others, but not the other way around.

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It's like I'm scared to receive it.

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Am I running from the things I want most in the world?

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The things I cry about and write about?

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That obviously I do have access to but somehow shy away from?

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What the actual fuck?

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If you don't have much personal experience with self-awareness and these eye-opening

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moments, I'm telling you, they are a lot to handle.

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So I'm too busy in my own world, keeping my own shit on lock that I don't get to appreciate,

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receive, and embrace the love others hold for me, all the while trying to push it away,

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and then doing the thing where I don't acknowledge it.

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I don't see it until it's too late.

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I have also never thought about this before.

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I suppose if people didn't enjoy me or my company, they wouldn't invite me to things

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or hang out with me or spend time with me of their own choice.

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It just doesn't hit me in that moment or I don't see it that way, but I should.

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Because when people make time for you and ask to spend time with you, it's because they

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love you.

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It's why I spend time with people that I hold dear.

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God, this makes me feel so fucked up.

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At work, a couple colleagues were asking about my last shifts and when they would be and

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what my plans were for the future.

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There were so many, we hope you come back someday, come visit.

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Maybe someday you'll come back as a permanent staff.

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It's going to be so weird without you, you're a part of the team.

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It was really sweet, but it felt, a heart felt.

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Like there was a loss happening in the here and now and it would be felt and noticed by

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these people.

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I was touched, but it was also really awkward.

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I didn't know what to say or do.

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It felt like I wish I hadn't told them when I was leaving so I could just cleanly escape

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without having to say goodbye.

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God, what if they try and throw me a party or give me a cake?

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I don't want that nonsense.

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I don't want the attention on me.

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I feel ashamed and guilty for the ways I've behaved, some of the miscommunications and

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arguments I've had with colleagues and whatever, whenever I had shitty attitudes or wasn't

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a team player due to internal conflicts that really just prevented me from being my best

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at work.

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I feel so guilty for this.

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I feel guilt for the things I've said to myself and my journal out of anger regarding

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certain people and situations and for them to be so kind and thoughtful to hold space

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for a soft goodbye.

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Normal people are able to have bad moments with people and not ruin their entire opinion

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of them, but I struggle to not see the simmer forever after someone's hurt me, my feelings,

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or presented me with disrespect.

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I realize that I am not and I hold on to hate and negativity so much longer than I need

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to and as a result poison only myself in this process.

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I also feel so sad.

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My heart feels like it swallows and softens.

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Like when you boil a tomato, it holds its shape once complete, but if you're not careful

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with how you handle it, it falls apart.

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Everyone needs to stop looking at me.

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I feel so small.

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What if I start to cry?

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I would definitely cry.

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But what if I can't stop?

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Then it would just lead to other curious insecurities and fears.

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What if I'm making a mistake?

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What if I should be staying?

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I belong here.

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Right?

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I imagine it looks and feels like when bird parents see their babies off for the final

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time or I guess parents, human parents sending their kids off into the world of college and

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university.

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I guess the truth is I don't like the goodbyes.

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I've just always avoided them if I could, so I wouldn't need to do them.

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Many of the times, my mind would clearly tell me not to worry.

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It's not the last time.

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I will see them again.

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Plus, with the invention of social media and Facebook and how active I am, it would be like

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we never left.

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We never parted ways.

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I know that's not necessarily true.

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So many people I've tried to not say goodbye to or did so I haven't seen again.

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I do think of them and I do reflect fondly on our memories, but I don't know.

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It's just, I guess I make promises I can't keep in deflecting so I could avoid goodbyes.

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If I say it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later, that means I plan to come back to make

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that effort and take the time.

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But I know that I can't.

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I am not easily tied down to one place or person and I struggle with maintaining social

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contact with the insane number of incredible people I've met in my journey.

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It's why I started being more active on social media and a part of why this podcast in my

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journey is so meaningful to be shared to keep everybody updated.

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And of course, the other stuff I've mentioned.

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I'm creative, I love to create and share, so it just fits.

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Otherwise, the fear of goodbyes, I'm still not really sure the extent of it.

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I think what I've mentioned here today is enough heavy content to ponder for time to

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come.

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Definitely.

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I think the hardest goodbye of them all will be the one I have with my partner and his

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family.

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Of course we're going to make it work.

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Of course we'll do our best to connect and see each other when we can, but it's the

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distance I will feel in my heart in the most painful of ways and I don't know that I'll

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be able to stay far for very long.

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I know that this knowledge has been impacting my feeling towards everything.

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I am trying not to fall apart not only because I'm struggling to stay in the present and

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do the job for my final two shifts, but because I know I will fall apart knowing I will drive

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away with Tabby and it's going to be real.

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It will be real.

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All of it.

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The end.

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The new beginning.

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The space for the in-between will change too.

201
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I'm recording this before the official goodbyes happen to get my thoughts out into the open

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while I have them before they float away and I move on to something else completely without

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really pulling from it as experience to share.

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I'm bad for that, so I'm trying to find ways I can make it work to put ideas and concepts

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to paper before they skate me.

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All of what I've said still rings true.

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This contract has been such a learning experience for me and I can see it's come with less

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lessons in ways I didn't imagine.

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Because of this, I can see I have more work to do in really just trying to pause, be present,

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and truly let love in.

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To let others know me, see me, accept me, give them a chance to.

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In not allowing them to, I'm ultimately causing myself to not be accepted, to feel the hurt

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I was scared to feel in the first place, and it's a waste of time.

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What if I could just give the chance to be seen, heard, and known, to be accepted and

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loved?

216
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,440
That way, if I'm rejected, I only need to experience it when it happens, not before,

217
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during, and after any and every interaction with people.

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I'm sure there will be more acceptance than not, and I need to stop roadblocking myself

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and hurting myself more.

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It seems that's what I know, how to hurt myself before others do, to disappoint before I'm

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disappointed.

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Alright, guys, I need to sign off here before I cry.

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I'll follow up eventually if I come up with plans or ways to deal with all the heavy stuff,

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but for now, simply naming and labeling it was a lot, and I think the beginning of a

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new path for me.

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Thanks for listening, much love.