1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Welcome to the first episode of the Wild Thing podcast. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:11,640 This is the real meat and potatoes episode that you've been dying to hear. 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:16,320 This is for anybody who's asked what my plans are for the future. 4 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:17,720 I'm going to tell you. 5 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,120 I'm going to tell you everything. 6 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:24,560 I'm even going to add some backstory, just for a little flourish. 7 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,440 For those who don't already know, my name is Marcel. 8 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:34,560 I'm a 30-something year old female who's been working as a registered nurse in the ER for years. 9 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:38,560 The second half of my career being primarily a travel nurse. 10 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:44,320 I've done contracts in both Canada and the USA, although Canada's home to me. 11 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:49,920 The purpose of this podcast is going to detail what I plan to do with my life. 12 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:55,920 I plan to share the experiences around the decision I've made and what's led to this point, 13 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,560 how it unfolds, everything in between. 14 00:00:58,560 --> 00:00:59,760 So here it is. 15 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:05,920 Here's what comes next for me in my journey after the contract in Saskatchewan ended early September. 16 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,400 The truth is, I really don't know. 17 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:14,720 I made the decision to take some time off work without expectations regarding the career. 18 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,320 What it looks like right now is probably three to four months off, 19 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,520 and it's been a long time since I've had a real break. 20 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:26,000 And I won't put it lightly, it's taken a toll on me and my entire being. 21 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,000 So my priority is rest. 22 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,000 I want to reconnect with myself and my mental health. 23 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,000 But, not so fast. 24 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:39,200 You should all know me well enough by now to know that this isn't the full story. 25 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:45,200 I've held off as long as I can in announcing this, simply because I've been so disorganized, 26 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:50,400 exhausted, and honestly scared to share this piece of my plan with you. 27 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:57,600 Essentially, I'm taking steps to leave the bedside behind, to pursue some of my passions, 28 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:01,760 hone my talents, and just see where life takes me. 29 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:06,400 I want to live according to me, how I feel my life should be lived. 30 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,040 I want to feel fulfilled, and I want to live life on my own terms. 31 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:16,480 This starts with tapping into a side of myself that I haven't fully explored yet, 32 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,200 my artistic and creative passions. 33 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,200 I've always been very creative. 34 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,200 When I was younger, I would draw. 35 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:29,200 I sometimes dabbled in painting, and I've always been pulled towards the craft of writing. 36 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,200 When I was younger, I would fill duetangs. 37 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,200 Remember those? With short stories. 38 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:37,200 Story outlines, novel ideas. 39 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:43,200 Even now, when life is busy, my notepad in my phone is filled with notes 40 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,200 that are almost fully laid out novel ideas and story ideas. 41 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:53,200 Poetry and prose? Hundreds of works exist, a vast majority of which remain unseen. 42 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:57,200 And when life was too busy to sustain any sort of hobby at all, 43 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200 I've always kept up with writing in the form of a journal. 44 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:05,200 So, my friends, end of September is where it begins. 45 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:13,200 I have a weekend getaway planned, a writing retreat with an author who has greatly inspired me over the last few years. 46 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:19,200 It's a retreat with workshops focusing on emotional writing, connecting trauma through story, 47 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,200 and about the general world of writing, becoming an author. 48 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:33,200 It takes place in a gorgeous spiritual retreat that will allow time for yoga, meditation, hiking in the mountains, all between our scheduled sessions. 49 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:41,200 These are all aspects of self-care in which I indulge regularly in order to stay mentally and spiritually healthy. 50 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:51,200 That's the beginning of my journey, where I hit the road, where I follow my soul wherever it takes me, and document absolutely all of it. 51 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:57,200 A little hush-hush secret I need to now announce and has been posted already at this point. 52 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,200 A few months ago, I bought myself the most perfect trailer. 53 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:07,200 I plan to leave home fully stocked and ready to go, and I don't plan on looking back for some time. 54 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:13,200 I really need this to be free. To let my creative spirit free. 55 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:20,200 I plan to camp, boondock, and just let my creative spirit take flight. Go where it takes me. 56 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:28,200 I can't even fathom how much creative inspiration I'm going to come across, but I'm so excited for whatever comes next. 57 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,200 I'm going to indulge in any writing urges that crop up. 58 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:43,200 If I want to stop and paint a gorgeous landscape as it inspires me to do so, I will, rather than just letting it rot in my notepad as something to do in the future when I have time. 59 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:57,200 Most importantly, rest, sleep, nap, take days to do nothing but sit in my cozy camp chair snuggled up to a good book, podcast, music, or simply the silence and sound of the outdoors. 60 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:13,200 I fully plan to mix that in with the things I love spending time doing, cycling on perfect paths through beautiful landscapes, hiking trails I've had on the back burner for months, and discovering more, and anything that really pops up in between. 61 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:25,200 I'm entering what I like to call my spiritual pilgrimage era, and you guys are coming with me through this podcast, through my social media, and someday, a book. 62 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:33,200 My goal for this is pure transparency on everything within this journey. Good, bad, ugly, I want to include it all. 63 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:41,200 You see, this journey isn't just about resting, it's also about repair, discovery, growth. 64 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:48,200 I've been open and honest with everyone about many of my struggles with mental health, especially after the pandemic. 65 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:54,200 But the truth is, I've been struggling again for a good while now, and I think it's time to open up about it. 66 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:59,200 I tell myself, you just never know who's listening, who may need to hear these words. 67 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:13,200 Not everyone can afford the time or money to uproot themselves, and nor do they necessarily want to, in the same way that I am now, but I think there will be a lot of insightful and helpful things that I will learn and can share, 68 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:23,200 even if it's just being able to connect with you guys in a meaningful and vulnerable way, so that we can all know that we're human, and we have similar feelings. 69 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:35,200 These things are not often talked about. Right now, as I record this, I am announcing, I am utterly, completely burned out and exhausted. 70 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:43,200 I mentally cannot cope or handle the way which my life is going, and has gone for some time now. 71 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:50,200 Most days, one foot in front of the other is as good as I can give, and I just can't do it anymore. 72 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:54,200 Let's talk about it. Let's get into the why. 73 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:58,200 I grew up being well aware I was different from others. 74 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:07,200 I could see it in the way people responded to me in my behavior, the way my peers would shun me, and the way I was always left to feel like I didn't quite belong, 75 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:19,200 the way that I was always questioning the things around me and the why, where I was essentially told, it doesn't matter, it's just how it is, you need to follow the rules and the way that things are. 76 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:26,200 I grew up a loner, I was bullied and set apart from the rest, and that didn't change for a long time, if ever. 77 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:34,200 Even today, I feel like I don't belong most places, though my perspective has shifted in the reasons why. 78 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:41,200 The education side of things growing up didn't help, I was left to feel like I had something wrong with me. 79 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,200 Why was it so hard for me to succeed, to get good grades? 80 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:51,200 Why couldn't I just do what everybody else was doing? Why couldn't I focus, pay attention? 81 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:59,200 The teacher would start talking and before I knew it, I had drifted away into a world in my mind, and when we put pen to paper, 82 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:05,200 I desperately searched around the room to see if I could find clues as to what we were supposed to be doing in that moment. 83 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:10,200 As I got older, in university, the same struggles remained. 84 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:16,200 We would do lectures and I would need to reformat how it was taught so I could teach it to myself. 85 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:22,200 I used a voice recorder and I would take notes and then reteach myself in the evenings. 86 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:28,200 As a child, my report cards were littered with comments. She doesn't pay attention, she needs to focus. 87 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,200 She makes careless mistakes. 88 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:35,200 The real issue was the way that society operates and has operated for many years. 89 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:42,200 A formal education system designed to train youth to accomplish what the greater plan asks of us. 90 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,200 Follow the rules, conform, output what is asked of you. 91 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,200 The quote, 92 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:53,200 If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, that fish will forever believe it's stupid. 93 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:57,200 Has never rang more true than with someone like me. 94 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:04,200 After all that, can you blame me for having the belief that I am not competent, not smart enough, simply just not enough? 95 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:11,200 I struggled while in school because I just didn't learn the way the education system presented the information. 96 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,200 I had different learning styles and needs. 97 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:22,200 As a result, I was led to believe I was subpar, that I didn't have special talents, no notable skills. 98 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:30,200 Much of what I was told without being told directly was I just needed to get through high school and then figure something out at the end. 99 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,200 Just pass, just focus on getting through. 100 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,200 Who knew what that even meant? 101 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:42,200 It was just hanging on, step by step, until I could walk across that stage with a grade 12 education. 102 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:51,200 Unbeknownst to me, there were moments throughout my life that were occurring that now really stick out to me and I think about them often. 103 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:57,200 These are little moments in time when I felt seen, heard, and appreciated. 104 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:03,200 And I'm going to share them with you because I think they're very important, especially at this point in my journey. 105 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:13,200 When I was in the 10th grade, I decided to share a poem with a teacher that I had written about suicide, something I'd written in support of a friend who had expressed ideation. 106 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,200 The teacher thought it was really good. 107 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,200 She asked if I could read it in front of the class, and I did. 108 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:26,200 Thereafter, I signed a document providing them permission to include it into the school curriculum to read to future students in the course. 109 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:33,200 This is something that I had forgotten and only resurfaced when I started reflecting on my ability as a writer. 110 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:39,200 I had a karaoke machine in my room and would sing over songs I loved, recording them. 111 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:46,200 I remember I recorded an Avril Lavigne song and for some reason I let my art teacher listen to it. 112 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,200 She immediately brought me to the music teacher. 113 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:54,200 They insisted I must join music class and do vocal lessons and start performing. 114 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,200 I didn't do it. 115 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,200 I was too scared. 116 00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,200 I found every excuse and I talked to myself out of it. 117 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:06,200 In the 11th grade and in nursing school, much of the poster board presentations were handmade by me. 118 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:13,200 Instead of printing papers and sticking them to Bristol boards, I would use acrylic to paint what I wanted to show. 119 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:18,200 In sketchbooks, I would draw anatomically correct pieces we had been examining in lab. 120 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:25,200 I remember I did a project on the GI system and painted a large scale replica of the entire system. 121 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:30,200 The teacher was shocked as if I had taken the time to do that for a science project. 122 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,200 He told me at the time he wished he could give me bonuses for creativity. 123 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:42,200 That same project, it was a 30 minute oral presentation about the digestive tract and its importance to the human body. 124 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:48,200 When all was said and done, the teacher held me back after class to ask what my career goals were for the future. 125 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,200 I want to be a doctor, a GI surgeon specifically. 126 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,200 I had answered with such certainty. 127 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,200 What a shame. 128 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,200 You have such a strong voice. 129 00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,200 You're not shy. 130 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,200 You're an excellent public speaker. 131 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,200 I think you would do great in a career that taps into this. 132 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,200 He was saying I could command a room. 133 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:13,200 Felt comfortable speaking to dozens of students and gave the impression I was comfortable doing it. 134 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,200 At the time I thought, what the fuck is this? 135 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,200 Is that even a real job? 136 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,200 How do you become a public speaker? 137 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,200 Do you go to school for that? 138 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,200 Is there a degree? 139 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,200 Is it even certifiable? 140 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,200 Foreshadowing. 141 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,200 But I now look back and think damn. 142 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:34,200 In society today, there's so many inspirational people who do presentations for a living. 143 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:39,200 People who are invited and get paid to do larger scale public speaking events. 144 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,200 Just think of TED Talks. 145 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:47,200 Many times over the years, I'd be approached by friends and family to help compose documents, 146 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,200 rebuttals, letters of resignation, formal papers. 147 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:55,200 I remember both of my parents telling me at multiple times, you're really good at writing. 148 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,200 I was told I sound professional. 149 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:02,200 And my mom joked, I don't even know where this comes from, but you have a way with words. 150 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:13,200 I was even asked to help edit APA formatting in first year university after completing the grueling 20-something professional papers we had to write and submit to finish out the year. 151 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:19,200 All these little moments slowly turned into this mountain I hold now and present to you. 152 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:27,200 I really hope more flashbacks like these will pop up into my life and I will diligently document them and hold onto them. 153 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,200 They're very precious to me. 154 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:38,200 Small moments where I was being told I was talented, seen for abilities I was born with that are unique to me and only me. 155 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,200 Unfortunately, talent wasn't viewed as a skill. 156 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,200 The focus ended up towards academics and sure shots. 157 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:50,200 The real careers, degrees, titles, certificates, certainty. 158 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:58,200 Over the years, I've shared some of my writing with my social media in the form of prose or poetry, primarily through Instagram. 159 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:04,200 It's a fun, creative way for me to have an outlet in the world, somewhere where I feel misunderstood. 160 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:10,200 Most of the time, I'm able to creatively word what I'm trying to say, though things end up sounding cryptic. 161 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,200 It helps allow for privacy and expression. 162 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:20,200 In sharing these pieces, I've noticed friends and family tell me, if you ever write a book, I'll read it. 163 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,200 Sometimes it comes out as, hey, when are you writing that book? 164 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,200 Which I would just laugh off. 165 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,200 But there was a voice in the back of my head. 166 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,200 What if? 167 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,200 We're going to change lanes here for a bit. 168 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:40,200 Obviously, I graduated high school and being extremely stubborn, I managed to get into a degree program and became a registered nurse. 169 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,200 But that's not to say it was easy. It was a massive, huge struggle. 170 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,200 That's something we can talk about another time. 171 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:50,200 While I was in school, I had decided I wanted to be a travel nurse. 172 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:55,200 I wanted to only need to work part time to really get to live a full life. 173 00:14:55,200 --> 00:15:01,200 The measure of success for me looked like not needing to look at prices at the grocery store or at the restaurant. 174 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:10,200 I wanted to be able to join friends on random last minute vacations and adventures because I had the time and the funds to be able to get up and go on a whim. 175 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:15,200 I didn't want to be someone who said, oh no, I can't. I need to work. 176 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,200 I don't have enough money saved up. I don't have enough vacation time. 177 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:25,200 I need to plan for a year, slowly saving to get to where I want to go for one weekend of fun. 178 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,200 As is not surprising, I didn't do any of that. 179 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:35,200 I started working full time right out of school, justified by I need to get experience and a good base. 180 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:40,200 The years rolled by. I felt the pressure to meet certain financial deadlines and goals. 181 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,200 Retirement, buy a house, save for the future. 182 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,200 I'd feel guilty taking time off. 183 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:50,200 Even when I moved to full time travel nursing, I always felt an urgency to have a backup plan. 184 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,200 What are the next steps with regards to work? 185 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,200 I needed to find a date that I would return to work if I took time off. 186 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,200 I really let society dictate my life. 187 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,200 As most people do, how enticing. 188 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,200 The idea of a stable career, a house. 189 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,200 You meet a partner, you have kids, you feel settled, you work to retire. 190 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:14,200 And then, then you can finally live your life just like everybody else. 191 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:20,200 But my brain, it continued to feel restless, unsettled, and it pushed back against this model. 192 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,200 Hard. 193 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,200 I just didn't realize the internal struggle I was fighting. 194 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,200 Why was it so hard for me to adhere to this? 195 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:33,200 Despite being told repeatedly and made to believe it was the right thing to do, the right order of things, 196 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,200 it was much easier to blame other things contextually. 197 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:41,200 And of course, when COVID hit, the perfect storm had arrived. 198 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,200 I worked ER during the pandemic and I just crumbled. 199 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,200 I sought help after feeling like I was going crazy. 200 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,200 I was diagnosed with ADHD. 201 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:58,200 During the rigorous testing for diagnosis, I underwent IQ testing and the results left me absolutely speechless. 202 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,200 I was gifted in writing and language. 203 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,200 I was above average in other disciplines. 204 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,200 Comprehension, reasoning, recall. 205 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:11,200 But math, I was diagnosed with a disability. 206 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:15,200 Unable to perform math at greater than the seventh grade level. 207 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:20,200 Unable to carry out the functions in the way whoever says is the correct way to do it. 208 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,200 At the time, I remember my gaze softened. 209 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,200 I cried. 210 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:31,200 It allowed me to feel so much compassion for little me who had struggled for so long and felt like I was stupid. 211 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:37,200 After all, it turns out it wasn't that I wasn't trying hard enough where I wasn't intelligent. 212 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,200 I just couldn't execute what was asked of me. 213 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:46,200 Something exists in the way my brain is structurally formatted that prevents me from excelling at anything more than basic mathematics. 214 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:54,200 It's like being too short to reach the top shelf, but instead of being given a stool or having someone help bring the items down to you, 215 00:17:54,200 --> 00:18:00,200 you're just left feeling that you are the problem because of how you are, because you can't accomplish what's asked of you. 216 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:09,200 But looking at language and writing, wow, it felt so freeing to have someone show me on paper through a standardized test, might I add, 217 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:15,200 that I have the capability and mentation of someone who is highly intelligent, gifted even. 218 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,200 In that moment, I realized there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. 219 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,200 It's the system around me. 220 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:29,200 Being stuck in an environment that did not support or nurture me my needs and how I learned, I wasn't seen or heard. 221 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:34,200 And instead of recognizing this, it was easier and cheaper to just tell me I was the problem. 222 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:38,200 I needed to try harder. I needed to do better. 223 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:44,200 After university, I took a slew of self-interest courses in preparation for a possible grad program. 224 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:52,200 And guess what? I finished with a 3.5-4.0 GPA and complimented on my formatting of discussions and forums by professors. 225 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:58,200 No problem. I was never dumb. I was never stupid and I was never an idiot. 226 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:06,200 Unfortunately, we live in a world where the things I was good at in childhood were things that didn't get you a certificate for a job. 227 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:10,200 There was an amplified focus on the things I was not good at. 228 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,200 Maybe it was to try to get me to do better and be better at them. 229 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:20,200 Technical, translate into options, I guess, and most science courses involve math. 230 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:25,200 So these areas where I excelled were discouraged silently, encouraged only as a hobby, 231 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:33,200 things to do if and when you have the time outside of your education, your future career, and your real job. 232 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,200 The guarantee. 233 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:44,200 Over time, with the results of this IQ testing, I have come to acknowledge and accept that I can and do admit to myself and to the world. 234 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:52,200 I am talented. I am a good writer. I'm a good painter. And I'm creative. 235 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:59,200 So here I am today, admitting these beliefs out loud without the shame I've carried for years. 236 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:07,200 Parallel to this, I have realized that while living in the real world as an adult with a real job, I'm still struggling. 237 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:13,200 I'm starting to see that yet again I'm living in another societal system that I'm not built to thrive in. 238 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,200 As an individual, I see things differently. 239 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,200 There are other ways to live and to succeed. 240 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:26,200 Ones that don't leave you feeling like you're a prisoner or a shell of a human being, void of life, 241 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:34,200 where you don't need to struggle and expend every ounce of energy you have within you just to keep up and be a part of this real world. 242 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,200 The one that we're all supposed to be thankful to exist in. 243 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:43,200 Because I have continued to struggle so much, I realize it's a sign telling me something has to change. 244 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,200 Why am I chasing something I don't enjoy? 245 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:54,200 Something I have to work so much harder at when it's essentially effortless to be good at something I enjoy that I'm good at? 246 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,200 What the fuck am I even doing here right now? 247 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:05,200 I had the pleasure of meeting an incredible colleague in the workplace who told me I remind him of a good friend of his. 248 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:11,200 A friend who struggled many years trying to pass a final exam as a physician to be licensed to work. 249 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:19,200 He decided to take a break. On his time off, he invented these amazing devices enabling underserved people 250 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,200 access to supplies and services that were forbidden due to the war. 251 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:28,200 He told my colleague he still intends to write and pass that exam. 252 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,200 My colleague laughed and said, what the hell are you doing? 253 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:37,200 He couldn't see he had these amazing skills, talents, and utter genius that were better served elsewhere, 254 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:41,200 where he was actually finding success and progressing society in new ways, 255 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:47,200 but he still felt the need to prove himself where he didn't thrive, where he didn't belong. 256 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:53,200 He looked at me and said, you remind me of my friend, and this stuck with me. 257 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:59,200 Staying where I am not thriving, with skills and talents I have that could be better utilized and honed elsewhere. 258 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:03,200 Doesn't that just seem counterproductive and honestly stupid? 259 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:08,200 I often think, imagine what the world would be like for us and those around us, 260 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:13,200 if when we were kids we were offered guidance on our unique ability and talents, 261 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:19,200 and our unique ability and talents had been nurtured instead of discouraged. 262 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:24,200 My question to myself really is this, why am I ignoring what I'm good at? 263 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:32,200 The world needs, and will always need, art, artists, writers, creatives, independent outside the box thinkers, 264 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:37,200 people who progress society, push us in different directions, 265 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:44,200 people who seem crazy but end up inventing new technology that we won't believe didn't exist years ago. 266 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:50,200 So what if there isn't a roadmap to lead me there? It isn't impossible, it can't be. 267 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,200 And if it seems to be, then it's my time to shine and make it possible. 268 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:59,200 I listen to audiobooks of creative geniuses who are well ahead of their time, 269 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:04,200 and many of the things we get to experience today, technology for example, 270 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:09,200 wouldn't exist if one of them hadn't decided impossible is possible. 271 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:14,200 Oh, and spoiler alert, these people are a lot. 272 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,200 Talk about inspiring to somebody like me. 273 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,200 Think about it for one second, on a lesser scale than technology. 274 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:29,200 There are kids making millions of dollars on YouTube and TikTok, unboxing toys. 275 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:35,200 People make a living writing novels, the same ones you and I both buy and read and enjoy. 276 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:39,200 Someone has to be putting their time and effort towards this. 277 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:44,200 People have general conversations on podcasts, record them, and people listen. 278 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:49,200 They pay their bills this way, outside the norm, outside the box careers, 279 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,200 and they're doing what they love. 280 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,200 I can tell you, I know exactly what they're not doing. 281 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,200 They're not working shift work, they're not doing a nine to five. 282 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,200 They're not waiting until retirement to chase their dreams, their passions. 283 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:07,200 They're not waiting until retirement to use the skills they've been given. 284 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:12,200 They're not doing this on their two days off a week or after work when they're tired. 285 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,200 They're not waiting until they can cash their tiny pensions to write that novel 286 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:21,200 that ignites their passion and hope that they can make it past 70 to see it be published. 287 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,200 I am meant for something more. 288 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:30,200 Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 289 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:34,200 I already know the outcome of doing what I'm doing. 290 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,200 It's this, feeling trapped. 291 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,200 The perfect setup for long-term regrets. 292 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:44,200 You guys, I have to do something different, and I will. 293 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:49,200 Just think, I've been there, I've done that, I tried to settle. 294 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:55,200 I bought a house in the city, I had a fiancé, I had a permanent job with benefits 295 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,200 and a set predictable schedule. 296 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,200 I apparently had it made. 297 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:03,200 I tried, I tried, I tried. 298 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,200 I wanted to die. 299 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,200 It didn't work for me, it didn't last. 300 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,200 How could it? 301 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,200 I had a mental breakdown. 302 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,200 I sold the house, I broke off the engagement. 303 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,200 I'm just meant for more. 304 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:21,200 Travel nursing was great, in a way, because it provided a great distraction. 305 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:25,200 I'd go somewhere new, I'd learn the ropes of the environment. 306 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,200 It would be overwhelming, busy, filled with adrenaline. 307 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:33,200 Just when you start to get your footing, your contract is up, it's time to move on. 308 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,200 Unfortunately, it's just a distraction from the truth, 309 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:41,200 where I simply didn't have the time to focus on anything but the chaos of the ever-changing environment. 310 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,200 The tasks kept me so busy, I perpetually drained myself, 311 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:49,200 never took the time to listen to the message that my internal dialogue was conveying. 312 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:54,200 I really notice it now that I've tuned in, how my body responds in time of distress. 313 00:25:54,200 --> 00:26:03,200 I have a lot of physical symptoms and pains, that are actually my inner self forcing me to slow down, to rest, and to listen. 314 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:09,200 I did quite a bit of therapy and really asked myself, what is the attraction of travel nursing? 315 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:16,200 I've struggled with the notion that perhaps I did it to run away from myself, my problems, my unhappiness within me, 316 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:23,200 that maybe I couldn't sit with silence, and that my battle wasn't against society, but won against myself. 317 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:29,200 Things I needed to learn to work through, something about myself I had to learn to accept, to grow to love. 318 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:34,200 So it was time to try something new, the contract in Saskatchewan. 319 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,200 It was lengthy. 320 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:44,200 I wanted to see if stability in a home base or a sense of belonging was what I was needing, to face demons head on rather than running. 321 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:52,200 It would end up proving to be a desperate attempt at me continually trying to convince myself that I could be normal, I could fit in, 322 00:26:52,200 --> 00:27:01,200 I could be just like everybody else, I could pretend the pain away, conform, and be absolved of a life that would continue to be full of struggle. 323 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:10,200 You see, when you change everything but have one constant and you still find yourself feeling the same dread, disappointment, lack of fulfillment, 324 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:15,200 you realize what the issue is, the only variable you haven't changed. 325 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,200 My job, my career, taking its toll on me. 326 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:25,200 The need to be good at it, all of it, a thankless job with excellent bedside manner. 327 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,200 You're smart and you're skilled, but you also need to be perfect with paperwork. 328 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:34,200 If people don't like you, if you don't vibe well, you don't belong, you're bullied. 329 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:40,200 Even if you're able to provide comfort to patient at a level that exceeds a routine baseline. 330 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:51,200 Where I always feel on edge, feel a need to continually prove myself because I want to be accepted and helped by others the way that I see others being treated, 331 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,200 not judged and shunned, but there's no accommodations or exceptions. 332 00:27:55,200 --> 00:28:03,200 You either fit the desired requirements or you're just not cut for the job, but in reality, we're people, not robots. 333 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:10,200 We don't expect perfection from our patients, yet we are expected to be perfect and at our best every day on the job. 334 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:15,200 There's no rest, no breaks. You work full time, you need to show up. 335 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,200 Take your vacation to rest, otherwise buck up this is life. 336 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,200 I'm so thankful that I traveled. 337 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:26,200 It allowed me the opportunity to challenge my views and see the world differently. 338 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:32,200 On the road, meeting like-minded people who have shown me there's more to life than this existence. 339 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,200 Not everyone is like this. 340 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:39,200 It just seems that way when you're in environments that aren't supplying you the nutrients you need to bloom. 341 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:45,200 Think of flowers and how they can't grow and blossom without proper soil, sun exposure, water. 342 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:49,200 We aren't trees. We don't have deeply ingrained roots. 343 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:53,200 If we don't like where we are, we can move. We can change. 344 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:57,200 We actively make decisions that send us where we're going. 345 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,200 We choose. 346 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,200 Even when you don't feel like you're making a choice. 347 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:07,200 When you're continually complaining and not doing something to improve it, that's a choice. 348 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,200 Choosing to stay where you are. Stuck. 349 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,200 I'm talking about myself. 350 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:19,200 The amount of time I'd spend complaining about my unhappiness and how I launched myself into elaborate daydreams to escape, 351 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:23,200 instead of just making a change. To live out my dream instead of just fantasizing. 352 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,200 I was choosing to stay stuck and put where I was. 353 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:29,200 In the comfort. In the hell. 354 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:35,200 While factors and barriers do exist and are absolutely real, they're perfectly placed excuses. 355 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:40,200 I don't have any of that. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. 356 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:46,200 My only ties are my family and friends. And if they're true to you, that outlasts any career, life, or distance. 357 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:49,200 Any decision to change, move, or grow. 358 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:55,200 The incredibly inspiring people I've met have allowed me to pick their brains about their lifestyle, 359 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:59,200 the lessons they've learned, and of course, asking for words of wisdom. 360 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:04,200 The more life experience someone has, the better. I want to know it all. 361 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:10,200 This comes in the form of colleagues, friends, nurses, patients, parents. 362 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:14,200 A common theme from conversations is that of regret. 363 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,200 Not having traveled more. Not putting themselves first. 364 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:23,200 Not letting themselves even consider following their dreams because it wasn't a guaranteed gig. 365 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,200 The fear of judgment. 366 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:33,200 You often stop and see people's eyes glaze over as you see them go to a place of imagining what their life could have been if they'd taken that chance. 367 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:38,200 If they'd gone against the grain. I wish I would have worked less and traveled more. 368 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,200 I wish I would have done things that made me happy. 369 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:47,200 There isn't even room for fear of failure because then I know I would have tried and it didn't work. 370 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:50,200 Now I'll never know what could have been. That's heavy. 371 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:56,200 What about those who waited, counted down to retirement before they allowed themselves to live? 372 00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:59,200 Those I've witnessed fall sick at times terminally. 373 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:04,200 Those who died just after retirement with their pocket full of plans for the remainder of their days on earth. 374 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,200 The days they'd been promised by the norms of society. 375 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:08,200 The golden years. 376 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:17,200 Gone in the blink of an eye or impeded by physical limitations caused by gruelling years of working a likely thankless job. 377 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:23,200 Or what of those I've witnessed who in retirement had to return to work and can't fully commit to enjoying life 378 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:31,200 because the guaranteed gig didn't offer enough of a pension to live, to enjoy life even marginally in their perfectly planned retirement. 379 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:38,200 Imagine working hard your whole life, planning on retirement as your salvation only to realize you can't ever fully retire. 380 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,200 No fucking thank you. 381 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,200 In the end, there's one constant. 382 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:46,200 I've never heard a single person say, 383 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:53,200 I'm sure Gladdy worked as much as I did or I regret not working more. 384 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,200 So let's bring it back. 385 00:31:55,200 --> 00:32:02,200 I currently feel like I work primarily as my purpose and my life happens if there is time in between that. 386 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:07,200 I believe life should come first and work comes second as a supplement. 387 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,200 My job is so hard on me in this way. 388 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,200 I need so much downtime. 389 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,200 I don't get to enjoy days off. 390 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:21,200 My work rotation in Canada involves two to three days off consecutively and it's never enough to recover. 391 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:26,200 I recover just enough to go back to work just to be depleted again. 392 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:33,200 Never mind as a travel nurse where I often find my schedule changes on short notice and a new shift happens to appear, 393 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,200 breaking up a stretch of days off. 394 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:42,200 It leaves no time for art, no time for creative expression, no time for adventure. 395 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:46,200 I work and hope to find time to participate in hobbies and fun around it. 396 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,200 But I'm always just too tired. 397 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:56,200 Shouldn't it be the other way around where I live my life first and foremost and work comes second to supplement that? 398 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,200 What about the human aspect? 399 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,200 I'm someone who requires so much social downtime. 400 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:06,200 Small talk drains me and work provides nothing but a constant stream of this. 401 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:10,200 On the outside, I'm always trying not to fall behind on friendships. 402 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,200 I find I'm just not able to do it anymore. 403 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,200 How can it be that I ask myself constantly? 404 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:21,200 How can people have a full-time job and friends and go on trips, have hobbies, 405 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:26,200 without having a mental breakdown about how tired they are at the end of each week? 406 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,200 How can it be that I'm the only one? 407 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:34,200 I feel like life can work in my favor and not be such a struggle. 408 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:38,200 My recent trip in May with Tanner really encouraged this decision. 409 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,200 We went out for three weeks on the road. 410 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:41,200 We hiked. 411 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,200 We drove through multiple states, stopping at random. 412 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:50,200 If we wanted to bike, just because the path looked nice and we wanted to experience it then and there in the moment. 413 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:52,200 Not later if we have time. 414 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,200 We had no concrete plans, no obligations. 415 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,200 We didn't break the bank with experience. 416 00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,200 I enjoy simple things in life. 417 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:04,200 Simply being and exploring fills my soul, captivates me, frees me. 418 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:09,200 I remember overlooking a valley and thinking, this is it. 419 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,200 This is what I'm meant for. 420 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:17,200 So many times I would ask myself, why do we need to go back to jobs we hate just to stay afloat 421 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:22,200 so we can have these experiences one or two times a year if we're even lucky? 422 00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:24,200 Isn't that ass backwards? 423 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:28,200 Enter my current challenge, what I'm hoping to overcome. 424 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:32,200 To break free of the societally accepted and dictated path. 425 00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,200 I'm going to be 35. 426 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:40,200 My biological clock is ticking, which is a scary thought in ways I actually didn't anticipate. 427 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:44,200 Do I have the babies or do I miss the chance? 428 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,200 I'm leaving a reliable guaranteed source of income. 429 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,200 I don't have enough saved for retirement. 430 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,200 The no guarantee is terrifying. 431 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,200 What if no one likes my writing? 432 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,200 What if I can't find someone to publish me? 433 00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:01,200 How do you even write a book anyways? 434 00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:04,200 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. 435 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,200 I just know I need to do it. 436 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,200 What's the worst case scenario? 437 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,200 I come home. 438 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:16,200 I go back to work as a nurse or pick up while I'm on the road. 439 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:22,200 Though that thought of walking away and needing to return really defeats the purpose. 440 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:28,200 And with any luck, that's going to be enough motivation to ensure that whatever it is I end up doing here. 441 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:32,200 I make damn sure well I succeed.