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Vulnerability, a scary concept, but absolutely vital for meaningful intimate connection with

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one another. Without it, it's impossible to experience authentic relationships where you can

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feel seen, heard, and feel safe. Let me introduce you to what vulnerability looks like by being

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vulnerable with you today. I've always figured I was someone who was an open book and didn't

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really hide much. I trend towards honesty regardless of how it comes off, though I do try to be gentle

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with it. I try to be open and honest with regards to myself, to be open about my struggles, my

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experiences, despite any weird looks or judgments that result from it. I mean, I guess this is

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after my original experience with burnout, when I started to turn my life around to make the

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significant changes that family and friends have seen over the last few years. I've learned that

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vulnerability really allows people to feel connected, makes you feel more human and real,

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and personally, it allows me to be gentle and forgiving with myself. I was thinking of what

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the purpose and direction of this podcast would be recently, the depth that it would entail to get

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what I wanted out in the open. This is about my journey, feeling trapped, inauthentic, burned out,

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how I am going to navigate through this, the risks I'm taking, and everything around it.

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I think what struck me is the reality of what this is going to require of me, the getting down and

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dirty, the honesty, the openness, vulnerability. I don't think many of those who choose to listen

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will be here to hear about my day to day life retelling step by step what I did, like how I

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documented my journal. I think that what will matter and make the biggest impact will be talking

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through what I'm going through alongside the journey I'm on, the difficult moments, the feelings,

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the struggles, the truth of how hard it is, and how I'm impacted by it, the things that I learn,

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the growth, and progress I make. In essence, I need to strip myself down and be open in a way

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I am not used to doing, not outside my personal intimate relationships. While I can be open online

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that I struggle with bad days, that I'm not perfect, that I have things I'm going through,

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I don't share openly how I feel about these things as I go through them. A part of it is I don't

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want to be that annoying person on the internet who seems like they're actively seeking empathy

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and attention that I can't cope. A partial truth is that in general, people don't want to see or

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hear about that kind of stuff. It makes them uncomfortable. That's why when you ask people

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how they're doing, they make up niceties and lie. Oh, I'm good. And you? When in reality,

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sometimes we want to answer, you know, today I'm just struggling to put one foot in front of the

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other. But saying that leaves the person making the inquiry uncomfortable. Oh, I didn't really

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mean I wanted to know that. Which is ridiculous, because we're all going through things. And these

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moments take us away from truly connecting and being able to support each other as a society.

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For me, finding a way to be honest in this space is going to be difficult and raw. There's no going

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back once I open up. There's so many things I will be playing with and considering. How honest

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can I be about situations that have made me who I am today in a way that doesn't outwardly expose

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those who have hurt me, ultimately shaping me and the experiences that I have, so that I don't hurt

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them because some of them are still in my life today. And my career, I'm not able to say I can

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fully walk away at this time for obvious reasons, the financial implications. But it has played

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a huge role in where I'm at and not for the best of reasons. How open can I be about these

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experiences without tainting the career I have, without risking losing what I've worked years

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to attain. Ultimately, the goal is to leave and pursue my passions, which is why I'm here now.

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But the truth is, that's going to take some time. So there is a chance I may still need to work a

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contract to keep myself going. Truthfully, there is so much trauma I've endured and things I've

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learned the hard way as a result of my experiences as a nurse in the last 10 years. For those of you

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who are in it with me, you understand exactly what I'm saying. Any negative comments or statements

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made are unprofessional, unbecoming, and from a licensure perspective, viewed as going against

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the profession, where licenses can be revoked, even though it is the lived reality of so many

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nurses, even though so many of us feel the exact same way. We can't openly talk about it, which is

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a part of why things don't change and don't improve, and may not for a long time, if ever.

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A lot of my fears are things that I know are the whole purpose of this. I worry I will be judged

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or seen as weak, but in reality, I tell myself it will help people feel at ease, and maybe become

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more accepting of their own emotions, thoughts, and experiences, to know they're not alone.

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Maybe my healing myself will allow others to find ways to heal as well, especially if you're like

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me, someone who feels so deeply that any pain is felt as physical sensation that overtakes your entire

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being in that moment. We aren't always well received by others, but on the other hand,

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there is a beauty that we bring into the world as a result of how deeply we are able to feel.

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Then there's that part of me that's scared to be seen, to be truly known. What if I don't fit in?

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What if I don't belong? Much of me remains unknown to many people, even with how open I am to the

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world. To share some of this part of me, things I can't take back, but I'm well aware change doesn't

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come from the comfortable zones in which we reside the majority of the time. When I think of the most

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inspirational people I know and follow, whose books I read and podcasts I consume daily, and the reason

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that they're so important to me, it's how raw they are, how they open up about things, verbalizing

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the things we all feel and think but are just too ashamed to say out loud or admit to, the ones who

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go out and live authentically, who take the risks, who allow me to feel connected, understood, and seen,

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I realize once that's out there I can't go back, and that's the scariest part for me. I also know

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that even though I want to be wide open, I also need the balance of knowing what to keep to myself.

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Certain parts of me need to remain just for me, for that intimate relationship with myself,

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for mental health and sanity's sake. I think the struggle will more so reside in me trying to

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pry myself open and allow everybody to see the truth when times are tough. It's easy to share

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when things are happy. So far, I've been able to get away with it by writing in puzzled,

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cryptic ways that make sense to me, hide a lot of meaning, but still say what I feel I need to say.

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It's what I like to call my musings, many of which end up on my social media, though there is a lot

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that is catalogued and remains waiting to be set free. I have spent my whole life feeling judged,

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not feeling good enough to fit in, to be wanted or accepted. I have left many situations feeling

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insecure as though I don't belong, where I somehow seem to have yet again offended someone,

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and ended up being disliked with such a fervor, where I'm left wondering, why? How? What did I do

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that made somebody so mad that I'm no longer viewed as a human worthy of respect, that I'm no

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longer considered as anything more than just a mere annoyance? It seems I just don't live life

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neutrally. I have always felt really welcomed or really disliked. There isn't much that lies in the

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in-between. I can acknowledge that this is my limited perspective and is likely inaccurate.

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I just seem to pick up on the strong feelings of both ends. No matter how much I've tried to fit in,

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do a good job at whatever situation, whether it's an employee or a friend, I've often been left

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to feel like I am different and just simply not understood, more so than the average person.

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For me to embark on this journey is absolutely terrifying. The thought of admitting to everybody

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that yes, I am different. Here they are. Here are my differences. It's a lot to unpack.

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After my week off where I didn't think about this podcast as a venture, I found myself doubting

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whether I should be doing this because it makes me scared, but this is the perfect time to give

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myself a gentle reminder. Maybe you can also find some comfort in this. You've done the same things

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over and over. You've tried the same way on repeat, sometimes modifying. It hasn't worked.

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You will continue to get the same results if you keep trying the same methods. You know this.

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You need this. You need to try something different in order to attain a different outcome.

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Who knows what that looks like, but it won't look like this. And this looks a lot like you can't

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spend another day living like this because of how deeply it hurts. The pain of staying where you are,

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unhappy. It isn't worth it. It's never going to help heal your heart. It's never going to take you

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where you've always wanted to go. It's never going to make you love yourself. To always dim your

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shine to accommodate others is doing yourself a disservice. You know that. So just try one day

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at a time. It's scary, but you've survived all of your bad days thus far. You're really strong

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and really resilient. You've survived through so many years of things that weren't meant for you.

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So take that strength and bring it forward into the new. Throw yourself into it with the love

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and passion you do with the things you care about. Do the thing. You've most certainly got this.

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You'll be alright. You worked hard. You built yourself up for this. You've got you. You've got you.