Vulnerability, a scary concept, but absolutely vital for meaningful intimate connection with
one another. Without it, it's impossible to experience authentic relationships where you can
feel seen, heard, and feel safe. Let me introduce you to what vulnerability looks like by being
vulnerable with you today. I've always figured I was someone who was an open book and didn't
really hide much. I trend towards honesty regardless of how it comes off, though I do try to be gentle
with it. I try to be open and honest with regards to myself, to be open about my struggles, my
experiences, despite any weird looks or judgments that result from it. I mean, I guess this is
after my original experience with burnout, when I started to turn my life around to make the
significant changes that family and friends have seen over the last few years. I've learned that
vulnerability really allows people to feel connected, makes you feel more human and real,
and personally, it allows me to be gentle and forgiving with myself. I was thinking of what
the purpose and direction of this podcast would be recently, the depth that it would entail to get
what I wanted out in the open. This is about my journey, feeling trapped, inauthentic, burned out,
how I am going to navigate through this, the risks I'm taking, and everything around it.
I think what struck me is the reality of what this is going to require of me, the getting down and
dirty, the honesty, the openness, vulnerability. I don't think many of those who choose to listen
will be here to hear about my day to day life retelling step by step what I did, like how I
documented my journal. I think that what will matter and make the biggest impact will be talking
through what I'm going through alongside the journey I'm on, the difficult moments, the feelings,
the struggles, the truth of how hard it is, and how I'm impacted by it, the things that I learn,
the growth, and progress I make. In essence, I need to strip myself down and be open in a way
I am not used to doing, not outside my personal intimate relationships. While I can be open online
that I struggle with bad days, that I'm not perfect, that I have things I'm going through,
I don't share openly how I feel about these things as I go through them. A part of it is I don't
want to be that annoying person on the internet who seems like they're actively seeking empathy
and attention that I can't cope. A partial truth is that in general, people don't want to see or
hear about that kind of stuff. It makes them uncomfortable. That's why when you ask people
how they're doing, they make up niceties and lie. Oh, I'm good. And you? When in reality,
sometimes we want to answer, you know, today I'm just struggling to put one foot in front of the
other. But saying that leaves the person making the inquiry uncomfortable. Oh, I didn't really
mean I wanted to know that. Which is ridiculous, because we're all going through things. And these
moments take us away from truly connecting and being able to support each other as a society.
For me, finding a way to be honest in this space is going to be difficult and raw. There's no going
back once I open up. There's so many things I will be playing with and considering. How honest
can I be about situations that have made me who I am today in a way that doesn't outwardly expose
those who have hurt me, ultimately shaping me and the experiences that I have, so that I don't hurt
them because some of them are still in my life today. And my career, I'm not able to say I can
fully walk away at this time for obvious reasons, the financial implications. But it has played
a huge role in where I'm at and not for the best of reasons. How open can I be about these
experiences without tainting the career I have, without risking losing what I've worked years
to attain. Ultimately, the goal is to leave and pursue my passions, which is why I'm here now.
But the truth is, that's going to take some time. So there is a chance I may still need to work a
contract to keep myself going. Truthfully, there is so much trauma I've endured and things I've
learned the hard way as a result of my experiences as a nurse in the last 10 years. For those of you
who are in it with me, you understand exactly what I'm saying. Any negative comments or statements
made are unprofessional, unbecoming, and from a licensure perspective, viewed as going against
the profession, where licenses can be revoked, even though it is the lived reality of so many
nurses, even though so many of us feel the exact same way. We can't openly talk about it, which is
a part of why things don't change and don't improve, and may not for a long time, if ever.
A lot of my fears are things that I know are the whole purpose of this. I worry I will be judged
or seen as weak, but in reality, I tell myself it will help people feel at ease, and maybe become
more accepting of their own emotions, thoughts, and experiences, to know they're not alone.
Maybe my healing myself will allow others to find ways to heal as well, especially if you're like
me, someone who feels so deeply that any pain is felt as physical sensation that overtakes your entire
being in that moment. We aren't always well received by others, but on the other hand,
there is a beauty that we bring into the world as a result of how deeply we are able to feel.
Then there's that part of me that's scared to be seen, to be truly known. What if I don't fit in?
What if I don't belong? Much of me remains unknown to many people, even with how open I am to the
world. To share some of this part of me, things I can't take back, but I'm well aware change doesn't
come from the comfortable zones in which we reside the majority of the time. When I think of the most
inspirational people I know and follow, whose books I read and podcasts I consume daily, and the reason
that they're so important to me, it's how raw they are, how they open up about things, verbalizing
the things we all feel and think but are just too ashamed to say out loud or admit to, the ones who
go out and live authentically, who take the risks, who allow me to feel connected, understood, and seen,
I realize once that's out there I can't go back, and that's the scariest part for me. I also know
that even though I want to be wide open, I also need the balance of knowing what to keep to myself.
Certain parts of me need to remain just for me, for that intimate relationship with myself,
for mental health and sanity's sake. I think the struggle will more so reside in me trying to
pry myself open and allow everybody to see the truth when times are tough. It's easy to share
when things are happy. So far, I've been able to get away with it by writing in puzzled,
cryptic ways that make sense to me, hide a lot of meaning, but still say what I feel I need to say.
It's what I like to call my musings, many of which end up on my social media, though there is a lot
that is catalogued and remains waiting to be set free. I have spent my whole life feeling judged,
not feeling good enough to fit in, to be wanted or accepted. I have left many situations feeling
insecure as though I don't belong, where I somehow seem to have yet again offended someone,
and ended up being disliked with such a fervor, where I'm left wondering, why? How? What did I do
that made somebody so mad that I'm no longer viewed as a human worthy of respect, that I'm no
longer considered as anything more than just a mere annoyance? It seems I just don't live life
neutrally. I have always felt really welcomed or really disliked. There isn't much that lies in the
in-between. I can acknowledge that this is my limited perspective and is likely inaccurate.
I just seem to pick up on the strong feelings of both ends. No matter how much I've tried to fit in,
do a good job at whatever situation, whether it's an employee or a friend, I've often been left
to feel like I am different and just simply not understood, more so than the average person.
For me to embark on this journey is absolutely terrifying. The thought of admitting to everybody
that yes, I am different. Here they are. Here are my differences. It's a lot to unpack.
After my week off where I didn't think about this podcast as a venture, I found myself doubting
whether I should be doing this because it makes me scared, but this is the perfect time to give
myself a gentle reminder. Maybe you can also find some comfort in this. You've done the same things
over and over. You've tried the same way on repeat, sometimes modifying. It hasn't worked.
You will continue to get the same results if you keep trying the same methods. You know this.
You need this. You need to try something different in order to attain a different outcome.
Who knows what that looks like, but it won't look like this. And this looks a lot like you can't
spend another day living like this because of how deeply it hurts. The pain of staying where you are,
unhappy. It isn't worth it. It's never going to help heal your heart. It's never going to take you
where you've always wanted to go. It's never going to make you love yourself. To always dim your
shine to accommodate others is doing yourself a disservice. You know that. So just try one day
at a time. It's scary, but you've survived all of your bad days thus far. You're really strong
and really resilient. You've survived through so many years of things that weren't meant for you.
So take that strength and bring it forward into the new. Throw yourself into it with the love
and passion you do with the things you care about. Do the thing. You've most certainly got this.
You'll be alright. You worked hard. You built yourself up for this. You've got you. You've got you.