Welcome back, me. Welcome back, Internet Frenzy.
Welcome back to Internet Frenzy. He's a little
rusty. He's been gone for a few weeks, you guys.
I've been gone, but it feels good to be back.
I mean, you got to let me be natural. Let me
ease back in foot a little bit. You can't just
be expecting perfection. No, I do not expect
perfection. Good. I apologize. Well, I'm excited
to be back. I'm excited to have you back. It's
rough holding down the fort without you, but
we're back. Happy New Year, everyone. I hope
you guys had a great Christmas, a great New Year's.
Let's get after it. Cheers to 2026. It's going
to be a good year. That's crazy. 2026. It's insane.
This week's episode is I didn't mean to start
the year like this. Yeah, let's go. So everyone
talks about fresh starts, clean slates and new
year, new me. But for some people, the year didn't
begin with champagne resolutions. It started
with secrets, bad decisions, and moments they
can't take back, Joe. In this episode, we're
reading wild Reddit stories from people who thought
the clock striking midnight would change everything,
quickly realized it didn't. From confessions
that came out too soon to relationships that
cracked the moment the new year began, these
stories prove that sometimes the mess follows
you straight into January. Here we are. So grab
a drink settle in and let's talk about the things
people never meant to carry into the new year
But did anyway Cheers Before we get into the
stories quick reminder that we have discount
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really appreciate it. All right. Whoa. We both
did this at the same time. That was crazy. What
the heck? I was just copying you. Yeah, I like
that. Before we get into this week's episode,
let's do a quick recap. Recrap. Wow. Recap of
last week's episode. Ho, ho, holy shit. And finally
reveal which story was fake. We had a lot of
strong reactions to this one. So here's a quick
refresher on each story. First story, I read
Am I the asshole post about the dad refusing
to let their son take his gifts to the other
mom's house because of complicated boundaries
and family dynamics. Second story was I covered
the Am I the asshole where someone told their
mother -in -law she sucked at hosting after a
Christmas gathering went completely off the rails.
And she told the mother -in -law she sucked at
cooking. Could you imagine having a mother -in
-law that sucked at cooking? I can't. That would
suck. My mother -in -law is literally the best
cook. I am so lucky. Her food is unbelievable.
That's why she's trying to get me to cook. You
guys follow the socials. You've seen my cooking
videos. It's because she is Chef Boy RG. If you
could learn... Give me your hand for this. If
you could cook like Dusty, I... I was going to
say I would stay married, but. My kick a little
more than that. I would. If you could cook like
Destiny, I would give you a million bad scratches
a night. You guys hear that? Yeah. OK, third
story, am I the asshole for making my daughter's
boyfriend buying me shirt at Christmas dinner?
He was wearing a super inappropriate shirt and
the dad stopped him from coming inside and gave
him money to go to the store and buy a more appropriate
shirt and then come back. What did the shirt
say? It was literally like my like. she sucks
my, you know what, really good or something crazy
about sucking, you know what? Like it was very
provocative. It blew my mind that he would wear
that to a Christmas dinner. Daughter's boyfriend
wore the shirt to Christmas dinner with the whole
family. Yes. And when the dad opened the door,
he looked at the shirt and immediately the daughter
walked in. He stopped the boyfriend handed him
$40 and said, Go to the nearest Walmart and buy
a different, a more appropriate shirt and then
you can come back. I like that. Yeah. And he
was, but then the next day the boyfriend threw
a fit and told the daughter and the daughter
got really mad at the dad and the mom got mad
at the dad too. And so he was asking, you know,
am I the a -hole? It makes me wonder what was
actually on the shirt. If it was literally -
No, it was that. If it wasn't just a pun. It
was literally like suck my, yeah. Well, that's
that's pretty bad. And I don't know how how if
the boyfriend's getting me support. That's crazy.
I know literally insane. Wait, can I tell you
a story really fast? Yeah. All right. No, I love
it. I've been loading up one time. I got dress
coded. Oh, you bad boy in junior high. There's
an eighth grade photo class because I had one
of these shirts that had like a saying on it.
But mine wasn't even that bad. It was from I
still remember the shirt is from Aeropostale.
OK, and it was pink. and it says, you've been
a bad girl, now go to my room. Oh. Like, I can't.
You guys, like, you'd have to know me to really
understand the humor looking back on that now.
That's like not me at all. I don't know why that
just like kind of makes me angry though. Oh,
well, you're welcome to be angry about something
that was like 20 years ago. Okay. There's one
more story. And then there's the fourth story
that am I the asshole about asking a husband's
friend to leave on Christmas night? So Joe, you
weren't here last week. Which one of those do
you feel like is the fake? Last one. Oh, really?
Okay. Well, you're right. The last one was the
fake. Thank goodness, because I was going to
literally punch the husband and the friend in
the face. So I'm very grateful that that was
the fake. That's crazy. I wonder how I picked
that one out. Because you haven't even listened
to the episode. Yeah, I know you should. OK,
let's get started with this week's episode. Again,
the title is I didn't mean to start the year
like this. All right, Joe, kick us off with the
really good, maybe fake, maybe real story. It
would be my pleasure. And this one comes from
best of Redditor updates. it says one big lie
may ruin my marriage and i don't know how to
stop it oh no don't you hate it when that happens
this is a throwaway account because people i
know follow my regular account and i'd like to
keep the audience of people i know as small as
possible to start off with in this story i 45m
am the asshole i'm completely 100 to blame my
wife 44f is completely innocent of any wrongdoing
at all I am the asshole. There's no question
in my mind about this. I'm just wondering how
or if I can save our relationship. I didn't pick
this story. I don't agree with this story. Long
story ahead, there's no infidelity, no cheating
in every single way, but one huge one. I've tried
to be the best husband, lover, friend I can be,
except this one lie is so invasive in our lives
that I've probably effed everything up. When
we started dating 10 plus years ago, I had been
renting a house for some time. She was also in
a long term rental. Both of us had great relationships
with our landlords, but her place was almost
as expensive as mine and not nearly as nice either
in size or area. Very early on, I told her I
owned and didn't rent. I honestly don't know
why, and this is the big lie. I've maintained
that now through seven years of dating and three
years of marriage. She moved in with me and gave
up her lease, obviously. I don't know why I told
her that and she's never been interested enough
in my finances. I make about 50 percent again
of what she makes. Also, I have for longer than
we've been together managed the house and its
repairs with very minimal interaction from the
landlord. Generally, if it costs less than a
thousand dollars, I just paid to fix it myself,
partly because I didn't mind and partly to keep
the landlord out of my life. If the repairs or
problem were greater than that, I'd still pay
for it. But then I'd invoice the landlord. He
was absolutely fine with this state of affairs.
still live in the same house, and we talk about
how much we love this house all the time. My
landlord wants to retire from landlording and
is selling his houses. He has about a dozen to
the tenants at a greatly reduced rate, like twenty
five thousand below appraisal. I can afford the
mortgage and in fact have been approved for it,
but I still haven't told my wife that we don't
own this house. I have the money in my personal
savings, not our joint accounts, to pay the down
payment and I can fully absorb the increase in
costs from the monthly rent to the monthly mortgage
without her having to help at all additionally
with bills. The problem is that when we close
in a few weeks, apparently she needs to be at
the closing as well to sign things. The mortgage
is only in my name. She's not on the hook for
it at all, except I suppose by virtue that she's
my spouse. But apparently the title company wants
her to sign some things as well. Obviously, I'm
gonna have to tell her the truth about all this
and she will be furious and hurt by my lies and
gaslighting and she will absolutely be in the
right to be so. Other than telling her the whole
truth and hoping she doesn't hate me forever
and absolutely admitting to her that I've been
a liar and a jerk this whole time, what can I
do? How do I tell her this and not expect her
to just hate me? Should I even expect to be able
to tell her this and have her not hate me? TLDR,
I lied to my girlfriend now wife about our house
situation. Now that I have an amazing opportunity
to fix it, I have to come clean, but I'm worried
that coming clean now will only make things worse.
The way he's like taking ownership of the fact
that he's like effed up, I think softens the
blow a little bit. I think if he was more of
a D bag about it, I'd be a lot more angry at
him. I think it is such a dumb lie that he gave
her from the beginning. And I think it's really
weird he didn't just like tell her like. Aren't
they married? They're married now. They've been
married for three years. They've been together
for 10. They're married. Like, how do you not
tell your spouse at that point before getting
married? Like, hey, like, I don't know in this
house. Yeah. But what do you think? That's my
thought was exactly that. Like, when she goes
to move in with you, it would be really easy
to just be like, hey, we were dating. I really
wanted you to think I was cool. And I told you
I own the place, but I don't. I'm renting. Like,
if that's a deal breaker. Sorry, obviously doesn't
want to be a deal breaker and he's not that non
-swan like he's like freaking out No, he's freaking
out about it, but he's ten years down the road
I'm saying you do it when she moves in and she
moved in before they were married. Yeah, she
moved in like early on yeah Saying just come
clean about it in the scheme of things like when
you if you look at a situation like this Being
lied to for that long as the person being lied
to you'd be like, what the hell is wrong with
you? Why would you lie to me? Over something
so stupid for all this time and I can't help
but think like there's important things And then
there's like less important things that with
him like covering the finances them never even
having to have Like their finances combined it
feels Like something that shouldn't be that big
of a deal So I don't really understand why he's
so panicked like it's like just tell her I feel
like One thing that bothered me was when he said
like unfortunately she has to be there like sign
and like her name is not going to be on the house.
I'd be pissed. We're married 10 years and we're
together 10 years on the road. You're finally
going to buy this house that I thought you already
owned and you're just going to keep it in your
name though at that point when I could have been
in it with you like I would have been pissed.
So hypothetically let's just say there's no situation
where it's where it's correct to lie for that
long. So I'm not saying that but If he did own
the house initially, she's not on the house.
It becomes community property with them being
married and they live together. So for the sake
of that, she wouldn't have to worry about that.
I can understand why he wouldn't have been planning
on putting her on the thing. I don't know. One
choice like that is going to destroy years of
trust when she finds out. It could, possibly,
from that. It's not worth it. Well, of course
it's not worth it. Yeah. So I get why he's panicking
because a lie is a lie and you don't want to
lie to your spouse. But there is an update on
that. There is an update on this. Yeah. I'll
tell you. For context, this was two days later.
As soon as my wife got home Friday night, I had
her sit down with me and I came clean about everything.
Told her I lied about owning the house. Told
her we'd been renting this entire time. Told
her about getting the mortgage in place and using
money from my personal accounts to pay for the
down payment and everything. And she reacted
in a completely opposite way than I expected.
She was of course heard about the lie, but she
was thrilled to learn that we were buying the
house and that we were getting a great deal for
it. We talked about the boundaries and we talked
about keeping secrets, but truly this is the
only thing I've ever lied to her about. She knows
all my passwords. I gave them to her years ago,
unprompted. She has access to all our shared
bank account information and I'd show her my
personal bank accounts if she asked. I had this
one big lie and I held onto this for a decade
and it ate me up. But now that the air is cleared,
we're working on a path moving forward stronger
together. I'm truly a lucky guy to have such
a wonderful woman in my life. She's the best
partner that I could ever hope for. We have a
plan to move forward and I think we're going
to work together to even knock out this debt
faster than most people do. She's also now planning
to do the house I wouldn't previously let her
do like ripping up the carpet and refinishing
the hardwood floors and everything else. I cried
with relief, y 'all. This whole conversation
was a weight off my mind and I was so relieved
to have it done. She forgave me, though I maintained
she has the right to decide she's mad at me still.
What does she have on this guy? Babe, she lied
or he lied to her. for all those years that's
weird you don't lie that you own a house when
you don't like i i i feel like her response was
perfect and was what it should be um no i think
plenty of she's probably cheating on him so she's
like oh that's that's all you got oh okay cool
oh really yeah she probably wasn't that upset
about it i just think it's in terms of significance
it's like Okay, we don't have ten years worth
of equity in this house. That's a bummer, but
That's like that's it Wow We are way on up polar
opposites here. That's that's Never happens shocker.
Yeah, I love this someone says big props to post
where the OOP preface with oh my gosh I'm such
an asshole when in this case. No, he wasn't was
he an absolute Homer Simpson. Yes, but he's with
the March He'll be fine. This was a charming
story I'm referencing the quickie divorce episode
of the Simpsons, by the way. I don't know that
episode, but I love that he called him a Homer
Simpson. It's like a oof. Like that was a dumb
freaking lie that you held onto all that time.
Like it's a stupid thing. In exchange, all he
has to do is accept his position as dumbass for
the rest of his life, which I mean, honestly,
fair enough. And I guess we're ready for the
next story, y 'all. So this is from the subreddit
Confessions. I ruined my close friend group in
under a minute. I always felt lucky to have something
like a lot of people don't. Friendships that
feel like family. We were a tight little group,
especially me and my best friend. He's been there
for eight years and I honestly thought we'd be
friends for life. Then I went and betrayed him.
A few days ago, we were all hanging out drinking
and laughing at a friend's place. After a while,
some of us were pretty drunk and others had already
crushed, including my best friend. I still don't
get what came over me, but at one point, I was
talking to his girlfriend. For some reason, I
asked her if we could kiss. I even asked her
more than once. She turned me down right away
and couldn't believe I'd even asked that. Nothing
happened, but a few minutes later, I felt this
huge wave of shame and disgust at myself. I couldn't
believe I'd actually tried to do that. They've
been together for years, and I acted like a total
jerk trying something with her. I don't even
blame the alcohol. I was totally aware of what
I was doing. I used to feel proud of myself for
never doing anything really stupid, like I was
somehow better than people who betray their friends
or partners for some quick thrill. And now I
was the one who'd done it. In less than a minute
I destroyed eight years of friendship with one
of the only people who truly cares about me.
I wrecked my friendship with the whole group
too, all the people who traveled with shared
memories with moments that I'll remember for
the rest of my life. I'll carry this mistake
with me forever. I don't want his forgiveness.
I don't deserve it. And I know if I were him,
I'd cut me off without a second thought. I'm
just writing this as a letter to anyone out there
to share the stupidest mistake I've made in my
life. I'm sorry, Daniel. I hate those kids. Oh
my gosh. So you hate the friend group or you
hate him for being like we should kiss? No, I
hate him. 100 % him. Yeah. Have you had a friend
like that before? Yeah. Really? Can you share
an experience? Yeah, I there was just this girl
and this was in that period before Mission after
high school this girl that I started to have
a crush on and we hung out with a lot of different
like groups And I did not like that didn't come
easy I would be the one that was like just Homies
and like my two guy friends or three guy friends
would always be like it starts with like one
and then change groups and whatever so this was
the one time that like I thought I was clicking
with this girl and I was I can't even really
remember the details other than we were hanging
out at my friend's house one night and I'd never
like done anything like never obviously never
kissed like never even really like I didn't do
anything to show that I was super interested
other than just like being more flirty than normal.
Yeah. But my my friends knew that I was interested.
Yeah. So this is like second time third time
hanging out. Well, whatever the day was, I end
up going home. some of the girls in the group
stayed there with my friend and then other ones
went home and this girl ended up being alone
with my friend and my friend knew explicitly
like that I was into this girl and he totally
like sped game on her like got her into his room
and they were like snuggling and she was a she
was a pretty flirty girl so I was like whatever
but he He kissed her. He made a move on her and
he kissed her. Yeah. And like that whole thing.
And then the next day he hit me up and he was
like, dude, I'm so sorry. It took me a while.
I was like, wow, bro. For real. Yeah. Did you
ever talk to that girl again? Or is it kind of
just over at that point? It was over for me at
that point. And then I just like. We still hung
out with the group and I was friendly, but I
was not like interested in more. That stings.
That's no fun. So sorry that happened. You know,
and that was like. The other thing is the same
friend anytime that I would like maybe start
to like, there's always those friends. Anytime
that I would like start to show interest, you
would just relax and just swoop in. I hate that.
Happens. Oh, I'm sorry. I hate that. I was always
so competitive So we're like my I had certain
friends that would do that as well and I would
always win Yeah, you you are my friend in this
story. No, that's not true Like you're the you're
the one that would win the battle. I'm the one
that would be like deuces on the battle No, no,
no. No, I'm not that like if my friends is they're
interested in someone I'm not going after them
at that point It's when I would say I'm interested
and then the girl would be like, oh And then
I would see them trying I'd be like, oh hell
no, I would be like absolutely not but there
was one that he chose the other girl and that
was cool, but Other than that I did. Okay. Yeah
your records like probably like 45 and one Yes,
yeah, maybe 69. I can't be you can't be six seven
undefeated, right? That wouldn't be fair. But
and I do feel like it's different for guys and
maybe like Me trying to be a cool guy like I
never got jealous. I can never got like Outwardly
jealous for the most part. It was kind of like
an open Like who is she interested in? Well,
I think like whatever I know I feel like you
would have been probably so frustrating in high
school because you probably would have been like
Slow game like oh the slow you were not I was
more just like boom if I like you let's like
probably I probably Don't want to say had missed
opportunities, but like there was definitely
relationships that may have happened if I wasn't
so slow Yeah, I do doubt for myself which you
were with me too and now that I think about it
Yeah, yeah except for when we first met you you
hopped on pretty fast Hopped on yeah, I took
you for a ride. Oh my hell I rode you Good shit
get this out of here No, I took you around town
That didn't happen. Pound down. That didn't happen.
There was a... That took a full year. I'm dead.
No, just that one. You asked for my number the
day you met me. That's all I'm saying. Yeah,
I had to. Yeah, of course. Don left and he texted
me. He said I had to. So the reason why you bought
it is because of Don. Like, I wanted to. Obviously,
I wanted to, but like, I was scared. I was like
not... in that place where I was like pursuing.
Wow. Tell Don I said thank you. You have. You
told him thank you like early on. Oh, perfect.
OK, great. OK, well, that's my story. Yeah, I
like it. I hate the guy. Someone said like, I
don't think this came out of nowhere. I think
this moment had been building for a long time.
Like, there's got to be something there where
he either had feelings towards the girl for a
long time or he was jealous of the friend Loki
and it was like this like weird dynamic where
He wanted to see if he was, like, as good or
better than him to where he could get the girl.
Could be something like that, and it also could
just be the girl. Like, it could be like, Brenda
really just had a crush on this specific girl.
Cool one. Good one. Thank you. Fun. Stirring
up some great feelings. All right. This one comes
from A .I .T .A .H. Am I the asshole for telling
my daughter, of course she could move in with
me without talking to my wife first. That's crazy.
I've been married to Nora for about five years
together for seven and she has a daughter who
is 10. I have a 16 year old daughter, Ria, from
my first marriage who lives in another state
with her mom and has for the last eight years.
It was kind of a complicated situation where
both of us were being transferred for work. We
were already divorced and we agreed my ex would
take Ria and I would fly her out once a month
for a weekend and have her every summer and every
other holiday. It was a hard decision, but the
three of us made it work and are very happy.
Nora also has always said she loves Ria like
she's her own and I've never thought she was
lying until recently. Oh Without getting into
too much detail Ria has been experiencing extreme
bullying from boys at her school and the school's
response has been abysmal for the level of harassment
My ex and I have been in constant contact the
school and the situation has only gotten worse
all semester Nora knows about all of this and
has been very sympathetic when Ria was talking
about it here over Thanksgiving My ex and I have
been planning on sending Ria to a private school
in the area next semester. There's only the one
public and one private one in the area. Things
have apparently gotten worse since winter break
started and the boys have ramped up the bullying.
Ria called me the other day completely devastated.
My ex was around, but basically she doesn't see
an end in sight even with going to the new school.
The parents and school have been useless and
she doesn't want to keep living like this. She
asked if it would be possible to come and live
here, basically switching the schedule. I told
her of course we could, that we would do everything
in our power to help her with this. I talked
to my ex a little after speaking to Ria, and
while she's completely devastated about everything,
she sadly agreed. She has said she's working
on seeing about transferring to my area or even
getting a new job, but agrees with me that Ria
needs to get out of this situation before the
new semester begins. After that call, I immediately
called Nora to discuss with her. Even though
she's been sympathetic to everything, she completely
lost it at me, telling me that I should have
said no until I talked to her. She said this
was too much of a change for her daughter and
would disrupt our home too much, and as my wife,
she should have a veto on it. I was shocked and
honestly appalled and told her she was being
unreasonable. I wasn't going to tell my traumatized
daughter she couldn't live with me because I
needed my wife's permission. She hung up on me.
That night I came home and she had sent her daughter
to her mom's, okay, to her grandma's, and she
tried basically laying down. She didn't sign
up to be a full -time stepmom. She was saying
no to Rhea moving in. And if I insisted on still
going through with it, then she would have no
responsibility towards Rhea. And if I asked her
for help, she'd say no. Bro. Bro. I basically
told her this was ridiculous, goes against everything
she agreed to when we got together. And if that's
how she wanted to be, I would reconsider many
things I had agreed to, such as her being a stay
-at -home mom starting next year. She kind of
gave up, calmed down after that. Especially because
when her mom dropped her daughter off, she told
us without her daughter there that Nora was being
ridiculous and she was ashamed of her. Yes, go
mother -in -law. Thank you. I thought that would
be the end of it, but she's been bringing it
up to some of our friends, and a few of them
have agreed with her. Although it seems like
she's stopped fighting it, she still insists
that she wants no responsibilities towards Ria.
Who drives, does her own laundry, is an independent
young lady anyways. And that any and all decisions
regarding Ria, especially financial ones, need
to go through her before I say anything to Ria
or my ex. I hate this person. Yeah, like think
about the husband. On the other end, he's taken
in her daughter. Like his own like that is so
unfair. It's it's literally it's hold on. Let's
we'll finish. I will go all bad Especially financial
I haven't even asked her for help and have been
working on registering Ria for school and finding
her a therapist in the area myself I'm starting
to think this marriage is doomed But I'm wondering
if I'm in the wrong about what I did and then
it says edit because this is a little overwhelming
now So a couple of facts will and then we'll
dive in Our daughters get along amazingly despite
their age differences. We also get along with
our respective exes great to the point that last
summer when Nora's dad was going through chemo,
my ex let both girls go back to stay with her
for a week because we were so overwhelmed. He's
in remission now, but it was bad for a while.
Both our exes were at our wedding. Shout out
to them. Yeah, I love it. Her ex also lives far
away and only has visitation and pays quite a
bit in child support, which is how she'd be a
stay at home mom. And he is also on board with
it. There's a hundred zillion million comments
that are great. This isn't a best redditor update.
So these are direct comments with OP responding
to them, but let's get your response first. I'm
definitely a team dad here. 100%. But I do think
maybe it would have gone a little bit smoother
where there really was going to be no like, am
I the asshole? If he would have just talked to
her first about it too. or at least just been
like, oh my gosh, I would love to, let me talk
to whatever, my girl, whatever her name is, and
then let me call you back tomorrow and let's
see if we can get something going. I don't know,
I don't know, but I think her response is crazy
evil. This is the hill that I will die on, okay?
Legitimately, if two roles were reversed, okay,
let's say it's wife's daughter, lives with dad
full time, is getting bullied. to that extent,
like bullied so bad that the daughter is like,
I need to get out of here. And is like panicking,
calls mom in a panic. If it was exactly the mirror
image, the mom's not like, oh, sweetie, I'm so
sorry. I'm so sorry. Let me talk to my husband
and then I'll let you know. Some people would.
I just feel like it's not, it's a matter of like
that emotional support is necessary. You have
to be like, We will do whatever we have to do
for you, sweetie, because you're 16, and you
can't control where you live. You can't control
the circumstances of your life. Financially,
they can take it on. They didn't mention anything
about space. There was nothing mentioned that's
a significant reason why he's not able to just
be like, whatever is needed for my offspring
that came before you, lady. I know. That's why
it makes me think in question, is the stepmother
Does she really just not like the daughter? Like
what is the daughter a brat? Is the daughter
spoiled? Like maybe she'll be jealous of seeing
their relationship 24 -7 and he's not paying
attention to her and her daughter. Like there
could be like a crazy dynamic switch that the
girl like the mom wasn't ready for and she's
the asshole like a hundred percent but there's
all these things that I'm thinking like it's
not just a simple yes to the stepmom because
she's not. She's obviously not connected really
to the daughter. No, and that's to me. That's
I would care a lot less about like, well, wait,
why like pinning it down? Because I would be
like, wait, that's your reason. Figure it out.
That's my daughter. Right. And plus, it's like
you agreed to this when we got married. You married
me and I already had a child. I married you and
you had a child and I took her in. So and it's
just it's family. It's yeah. He mentioned in
there that she is. like she's fine, she has a
great relationship with his daughter, like when
she visits, like it's always good. And I mean,
yeah, like you're shaking your head. She's 16,
so like if she's just a typical teenage girl,
you could imagine mood swings and all that kind
of stuff. Yeah, I'm terrified for that. They're
probably not always like the most fun to have
around, which is fine, all that stuff's fine,
but the stepmom, there's not a reasonable reason
in the world that she could be like, no, it's
not gonna happen. No, it's crazy. She's just
flexing on him. I'm not gonna be at all part
of helping in any shape or like shape or form
or whatever. That's crazy. Yeah, like oh Okay,
then you're out of here. I'm not gonna do any
of her laundry I'm not gonna help her set up
for school. I'm not dropping her off. I'm not
she's your kid like you have to do I guarantee
he has been so awesome of a dad to her daughter
to That's what really bothers me. He's a good
guy. He just sounds solid. He does sound like
a fine young lad. I don't know, just a fine dude,
but she is a nightmare. Now we go on to the last
story. This is, am I the asshole for being upset
about an email my partner never sent? I'm 36F,
my partner 37M. We've been married for almost
11 years. Overall, I genuinely thought we were
solid. Over the holidays, we decided to do a
deep clean. While organizing, I used his laptop
to sort some shared documents and clear out old
files. He's never been worried about me using
his computer, so I didn't think it was a big
deal. That's when I saw a draft email. It wasn't
open, it was just saved in his drafts folder.
The subject line caught my eye because it was
a first name I recognized. Someone he's mentioned
before, an old friend. Someone he's almost dated
years before we met. I wish I hadn't opened it,
but I did. The email wasn't recent, but it also
wasn't old. It had been written about two years
into our relationship and then edited again just
a few days ago, January 2nd. The email wasn't
explicit. There was no cheating, no plans to
meet, nothing like that. But it was emotional
in a way that honestly knocked the air out of
me. He wrote about how he sometimes wonders what
their life would have looked like if timing had
been different, about how he hoped she's happy.
about how part of him still carries that chapter
with him, even though he loves me and chose this
life. The last line said something like, I don't
know why I'm writing this. I probably never will
send it. I just needed to say it somewhere. I
felt sick. When I asked him about it, he was
immediately apologetic. He said he'd never intended
to send it, that it was just something he wrote
for closure. He said he had edits old drafts
when he's emotional and that it didn't mean anything
about how he feels about me. He kept saying I
didn't do anything. And technically, he didn't.
But I can't stop thinking about the fact that
on January 2nd, while we were talking about goals
for the year, our family, our future, he was
editing a letter to someone else about what could
have been. Now he says they invaded his privacy
and that everyone has thoughts they don't act
on. He insists that choosing me every day should
matter more than a draft that never even left
his computer. I don't know if I'm overreacting
or if this is something I should be taking more
seriously. Am I the asshole for being upset over
something he never even said? Wow. Do you think
they're the asshole? I can make space for both.
I think obviously the husband is definitely more
of the asshole for having those types of thoughts
or feelings that linger. I also empathize or
sympathize with the fact that he didn't technically
do anything and people have different ways of
trying to like go through, sort through what
they feel on the inside. So she has every right
to be mad with what she found. Like, obviously,
even though he didn't do anything, it's still
going to make her feel things. It's still going
to make her doubt. And for good reason, like
what's going on in his mind, she will never know.
So you don't think an unset message to a significant
other, like to someone that was like in his past,
isn't a betrayal. The fact that it's not sent.
Yeah, like that message. But he wrote it two
years ago. and then January 2nd went back in
and edited it. It's, I mean, that's, I feel like
this is kind of a loaded thing because on the
one hand, like I want to make space for just
factually what it is. Like where my mind went
was like, would this be as wrong if he's writing
this in a personal journal? Like if it's something
he's just doing, because he said, I'm just doing
it for closure. Because people do that and then
they burn it, like that type of stuff, like get
their thoughts out and burn it. It doesn't even,
I mean, maybe not even burn it, but like, privately
having feelings and processing them, we're human
beings, all of us are human beings. And what
he said, I actually agree with, that you have
thoughts, you have feelings that you don't always
express or you don't always act on. And I think
everybody has that. You ever had impulsive thoughts?
Not necessarily that you're gonna step out on
your marriage or something like that. Which is
essentially what he's... Intrusive, essentially
what... I know I'm saying he's not having intrusive
thoughts or impulsive thoughts. It's he's like
directing this emotional energy into another
woman of what could have been. Right. So it's
not just like this, like impulsive intrusive
thought of like, I'm going to go jump and see
if I can touch the ceiling right now. It's I'm
going to go write my heart out to another person,
whether he's going to send it or not. I do think
there would come a day where he would send the
button because if you're going each year or every
couple years or whatever it is going back towards
that eventually you are going to click it because
you're clearly not directing that emotional energy
of those thoughts and feelings that are like
stirring up inside you, whatever it is, healing
from anything. It's just gonna get worse and
worse and that energy that you're going towards
is gonna be towards sending the message. Like
even if it's not cheating, just the fact that
there's like emotional processing being done
that doesn't involve or include the wife is I
feel like a recipe for disaster. I agree with
everything you said except for the last part.
Really? Yeah, because everybody has to regulate
their nervous system constantly. Yeah, but what
we've learned with EFT therapy is that we have
each other. We're supposed to do it together,
right? That's for the sake of relationships.
The way that you bind to someone once you create
the threshold where you can be in those deep
emotional spaces for roughly 12 to 15 minutes.
If you could stay there, you reprogram your system.
And then when something comes up, something triggering,
comes up, then all you have to do is take a moment
to slow down and then you feel that closeness
and safety with your spouse. And that's what
we're working for in therapy. That's the point
of EFT therapy. But you feel emotions all throughout
every single day. So it's not realistic that
you get to just go to your spouse to process
things. And that's not to say that you have to
go to an email draft and process them that way.
I'm saying that like there is both processing
emotions in your relationship and then how do
you cope with your emotions? the time and both
things need to be cohesive. Yeah, but also like
as a man or a grown adult That was definitely
the wrong choice to put your feelings towards
something like that. We're in agreement there.
Yeah. Yeah, I know I'm just saying I just feel
like if you needed to process something emotional
Like obviously the most appropriate place would
be his wife or therapy, right? It would be his
wife if he's done deep emotional work and is
capable of Sharing those types of things. Yeah,
and it could be anything good bad and ugly Just
like I had such a crappy day at work today or
dude I don't feel seen by anyone all the kids
are just like all over you and I'm just like
I don't know but Most people I would venture
guess you guys listening you could confirm this
or not. I feel like most people That's not a
natural byproduct of a relationship. That's something
that really has to be developed and honed Unless
you're lucky unless you won the spouse lottery
and your comma your trauma coincides and you're
able to just talk about those things. That's
a really hard thing to do to just get right to
it. And that's not saying that what he did was
right. It's just making space for the humanity
of it. What she found is a heck of a lot better
than him having sent it, but him doing it in
an email form is not the right thing to do. It's
not the right thing to do anyway, but if he has
those feelings, and he can't take them to her,
he's got to process them in a way that doesn't
mean he's stepping out on his wife. Yeah, it's
just weird that these feelings are him talking
about how he wishes like he would have known
what could have been like that type of stuff.
Like it's not just like I had such a bad day.
No, it's not. But it's talking about them together.
But I have an update. So we got to kind of move
on. We talked again. He admitted that the New
Year made him reflective and that he edited the
giraffe recently because he realized he never
fully closed that chapter emotionally. He says
it doesn't mean he wants her, just that he never
said goodbye to the idea of who he was back then.
That honestly hurt more than the email. He apologized
for not being more transparent about his past
and agreed that keeping something like that,
even unsent, crossed an emotional boundary. We're
trying to work through it but I'm struggling
to move past the fact that I found it at all.
I keep wondering if this is normal long -term
marriage stuff or if I just learned something
I wasn't supposed to. That's the end of it? That's
the end of it. Okay. Nobody nobody has the skills
its skill to be able to just let your spouse
in and then Your your spouse has to also respond
to you letting them in they have to respond properly
Yeah, and I think all the work that we've done
in therapy all the training that we've done and
we're still not there and there's so many Relationships
that don't even have a clue what's going on.
They're just always raised together. It's a crazy
point that's why I feel like I make space for
humanity of all of it because It is so challenging
and most people with the best of intentions Still
have stuff stirred up inside that they they don't
they didn't learn how to deal with properly That's
probably harder for somebody on your side of
things to empathize with but the fact of the
matter is Everyone everyone has coping mechanisms.
It's just what do they do to cope some have worse
ones than others That's right. But it's in that
like the point is if you can just objectively
Look at it. It's it makes sense. It's like yeah,
I get why that's like that and if you scroll
through reddit Half of the stories are gonna
be about a guy doing something like this. The
other half of the stories are gonna be about
a girl Doing way worse. Oh I'm just kidding.
But a guy not on our side buddy guys. I'm sure
there's guys out there this to me. I don't it
doesn't like work for me, but I doubt that a
guy is going in and finding an email from a girl,
like the wife is drafting an email to her ex
-boyfriend. I can see more girls doing that than
guys. Like doing the working or like sending,
drafting email? Like I feel like men are more,
when they're gonna betray, they're gonna betray.
But I feel like women, I could see them doing
more of like an emotional response like this,
like writing an email but not sending it. That's
what I was trying to say. You don't think so?
You think more men would do that? Me personally,
I think it's flipped because I think, I think
men are, they're more emotionally, what's the
right word for this? Like, I don't want to say
tortured, but men have to, men are just, the
emotions are on the inside and a lot of times
you have to keep them hidden. You don't know
how to express them. You don't know how to process
them. I didn't, I do feel like women either compartmentalize
better or, We're just better. When they get to
a certain point, you're just going to cheat.
You're just going to do the thing. I want to
pull the statistics on if men or women cheat
physically more. Let's look it up right now.
I'll look it up right now on Perplexity, our
sponsor. You were right. I was wrong. Obviously.
You're smart. I'm dumb. You are. Says surveys
like the U .S. General Social Survey find about
20 % of men. and 13 % of women in marriages say
they have had sex with someone other than their
spouse. That sounds like have cheated, but maybe
not like ended their relationship. Oh, look at
this. Among younger married adults, late 20s,
some data shows women cheating at similar or
even slightly higher rates than men. Yeah, because
we're sitting here bullshit. Somehow, I just
gave you and said that you're right, and then
you say that. Love you. Okay. Sorry, guys. We
really got to wrap this up, but it's been so
fun having you back, Josef. Thanks for joining
me. You're welcome. This was all my idea to begin
with anyways, my podcast. Thanks for letting
me rejoin my podcast. Yep, you can rejoin. Thank
you. Yeah. We're gonna go wrestle now. I'm not
getting my butt kicked Okay, you end it. All
right. Well, thank you guys for tuning in to
another episode. This one was fun Let us know
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