this week on hot couple chronicles it's not fun
if not everyone consents yeah you want to make
sure that it's 100 enthusiastically consensual
every single time there's a no yeah period believing
jealousy doesn't exist and more so on that like
if you're a good swinger oh you're jealous oh
yeah good swingers just believing that jealousy
is just such a bad thing and a horrible thing
and i've said it once i've said it i'll say it
a million times more it's a basic human emotion
yeah people say if you're jealous you shouldn't
be in the lifestyle you're horrible at the lifestyle
if you feel jealousy and that i never got that
like how are you horrible at the lifestyle jealousy
happens jealousy exists even in the tightest
most solid couples your jealousy is that i mean
you felt it i've felt it It's a thing that pops
up. Yeah. It's gonna happen. Welcome to Hot Couple
Chronicles, a podcast exploring the singing lifestyle.
Our discussions may contain explicit content
and adult themes intended for mature audiences.
While we strive to offer valuable insights and
entertainment, please be aware that the views
expressed are based on personal experiences and
opinions. We encourage listeners to approach
the content with an open mind and to prioritize
communication, consent, and respect in their
relationships. Remember, everyone's journey is
unique, so take what resonates with you and leave
what doesn't. Thank you for joining us on our
adventure. I'm Russ and I'm Ashley and this is
Hot Couple Chronicle. Welcome back. Welcome back.
Happy Wednesday. You look pretty today. I'm trying.
I love when you curl your hair like that. We
were doing the podcast and then tonight we have
dinner with friends. I'm trying here. Today we're
going to talk about mistakes that we've made
and others have made in the lifestyle that we
wouldn't do again. We wanted to talk more about
the lessons we've learned. We've all had what
the fuck moments. Why did we do that? I've been
gathering some questions and different answers
and stuff from people on Instagram and in our
email and everything. So we're going to talk
a little bit about that. I made a post a couple
weeks ago naming our top five. Yeah. It went
viral and did really well. You got a lot of responses
to it. Yeah, for Instagram. post with educational
stuff usually they don't do so well so it kind
of inspired i figured we'd do a whole podcast
and talk a little bit more about that all right
first we're going to go into the top five things
that i listed of mistakes that we have made that
we wouldn't want to do again number one is going
in without clear boundaries yeah that's just
asking for hurt feelings and yeah Definitely
recommend before going into anything. We didn't
know. No, we were doing. We had no idea. But
definitely before you continue into lifestyle
and choose to be in lifestyle, make sure that
you're discussing sitting down, figuring it out
what it is that you want. Yeah, for sure. Why
and rules and everything. It's good to have.
Yeah, we had that conversation really late in
the game. But to be fair. We didn't even know
the lifestyle was... And we didn't identify as
swingers to... We were just going to have fun.
We were just going to have fun. Like, we would
never. It wasn't until we really became swingers
and decided we wanted to join the lifestyle that
we even decided to have that conversation. Even
after we said, like, we owned the swinger title,
I guess you would say, we... started having those
conversations but it was really slow little a
lot of small conversations and that build up
to collectively it was our boundaries yeah and
what we want and what we don't want and all of
that it doesn't it can be like however you want
it to look as long as you are clear Yeah, it's
like we didn't sit down for hours and hours and
hash it out like this is what I want. This is
what I do not want. This is a hard boundary.
It was a whole bunch of small conversations that
and then even then we didn't really dive into
it for a while. All right. Now, mistake number
two, assuming everyone understands consent just
because they are in lifestyle. And that is not.
That is not the case. Unfortunately not true.
Unfortunately. It should be the case. Should
be. We've come a long way. It has come a long
way since we first got into the lifestyle. Yes.
I mean, there would be just people just come
up and grab you. Oh, yeah. Especially early on.
I remember having a really bad, hard time with
people. Touching you. Yeah. Respecting. consent
and respecting asking to before they touch and
it used to be a really big problem luckily we
haven't had that problem in quite a while i think
because we've been well i think we've been so
loud about the consent part i think that they
can't ignore it yeah we're pretty loud yeah that's
the only way to put it is we are very upfront
and open about you know as everyone don't touch
me unless you ask yeah you can look but you can't
touch yeah make sure you ask before you touch
very simple stuff but unfortunately especially
with the older generation i feel like had a problem
with it i think we had more of a problem with
the older lifestyle now on that i still have
like men are better yeah women i feel it's not
all women but some a lot of women feel like they're
not included it's just assumed that it's okay
if they touch me yeah yeah unfortunately that's
a lot of the case That's always been kind of...
And it's not true. My consent is just as important
as your consent. So I think that's our next journey
is, hey, girls, it's you too. It doesn't just
apply to males or females. One or the other,
it should be everyone. You should be getting
consent from everyone. And before group play,
before you're playing with even a swap or...
even one person anyone that needs to be a conversation
beforehand that you consent and it doesn't have
to be formal it doesn't have to be weird or awkward
can be that's fine yeah i love it now because
even when we go into group situations now like
you hear the conversations yeah before play starts
yes yeah it's a group conversation does anybody
have any hard boundaries that we want to be aware
of everyone consent to be here yeah everyone
consent to this or that and i do yeah i do love
hearing the difference and and you the last couple
you can see where people have almost hit a boundary
and like with their partner or something like
that and everybody pauses and make sure that
everybody's okay yeah like i love that yeah it's
like oh shoot we're just having fun we don't
it's not that serious you guys are more important
than what's going on right now And so we make
sure everybody's okay before we start playing
again. Yeah, it's not fun if not everyone consents.
Yeah. You want to make sure that it's 100 % enthusiastically
consensual every single time. Make sure you have
that conversation. It can be sexy. It can be,
I've always wanted to do this. I've always wanted
to try this with you. Would you be okay with
this? It doesn't have to be so icky and official
and weird. It doesn't have to be anything like
that. Well, it's the same type of conversation
you have with... the partners as well yes like
man i would love your wife too yeah or that's
a good way to do it too so there's ways to do
it that are makes a little bit more like man
we're vibing man i would love to do this to her
or i've heard you this and they could they'll
just be like nah or yeah that's fucking hot and
then when someone says no don't you know yeah
then if someone says no it's all right don't
be defensive no you can't get defensive it's
Anything but a yes is a no. Yeah. Period. And
so you have to really, not only the words, but
gauge their body language and everything that's
going on. Not being pressured under the influence
of alcohol or drugs or anything like that. It
has to be consensual. Enthusiastic. Yes, yes,
yes, yes. Emphasizing on enthusiastic. Enthusiastic.
All right. So the third one is prioritizing others'
pleasure over your own. worrying about everyone
else getting off and having a great time, which
is natural for me to normally do. I fell in that
trap for a while. Yeah. Like I wasn't like, yeah,
we were playing. Yeah. But I wasn't having a
great time. Yeah, it was very performative. It
was. Yeah. Yeah, it was. I was just going through
the motions. Yeah. And then you step back and
you're like, why are we here? if we're not having
a pleasure and we're not enjoying the sex then
what's the point in having yeah we're here to
enjoy we have great sex by ourselves alone we
don't need any of that to have that so if we're
not here to enhance things why are you even here
exactly that was definitely a big one that we
got stuck into for quite a while i know me for
sure and i think with the lf and the content
creating and stuff it kind of does blur and it
does become A little performative at moments.
When you are a creator like you and you're on
social media, it's hard to not let that side
consume you. Definitely don't want to do that
in swinging land when swinging is our thing,
our private. We had multiple conversations about
that and trying to figure out, okay, when is
it work and when is it just us wilding out? you
know like having fun like we had to really put
those lines in place and talk before we go to
an event or a takeover or a party but okay this
is work yeah so we're going to have fun regardless
but you know we're still working yeah and then
where it's okay this is just us weekend we're
not going to cut time out for content and tiktoks
and pictures and stuff like that this is just
going to be us and we had to draw those lines
because it was consuming you for sure like you
weren't having fun anymore yeah because you want
to listen to yeah all the wants and the needs
that you want that's the whole purpose that the
reason that you're there exactly you're there
to have a good time and to feel good yeah so
don't worry so much about everybody else Just
focus on what you want and how good it feels
for you. Go from there. Looking for a fresh way
to connect in the lifestyle? Welcome to The Playground,
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Built for the lifestyle community, The Playground
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your adventure with The Playground today. Mistake
number four. Ignoring red flags at events. Or
anywhere. Or anywhere. Really any red flag at
all. Any gut feeling. I have come a long way
in this last year or so. I have really become
adamant about trusting my gut. Because I know
better. You're my cage. If something happens.
I don't have the, I don't even know what to call
that. Intuition. intuition i don't know i just
get a good feeling yeah i can just usually tell
yeah like pretty fast if it's a good it's gonna
be a good situation or a bad situation i can
yeah it's a gut feeling and i have many many
times chosen to ignore that feeling and every
single time go back oh it took me it take because
like i said you're my gauge there and it took
me a while to just trust you because a lot of
times i'm in the moment i think it's going to
be fun like it's everybody's good you see something
that i don't and then i question you or i tell
you oh no it's fine it took me a long time to
just being paranoid yeah just yeah just blame
it on it's easy to blame it on anxiety stuff
like that Where now it's just like, okay, like
I believe you. Every single time I've said this
isn't this person. I'm not vibing with this person.
There's something about them or this couple or
something. I've never, never, never been wrong
ever. And so I've really just been, there's,
you know, not everybody's going to be for you.
There's so many people out there. A lot of that
is the difference between a man's brain and a
female's brain. Like you pick up on different
things than I pick up on. Like you are definitely.
more emotionally intelligent than i am and so
you see things in a different from a different
scope than i do and where i would see something
where it's just a couple just kind of play you
know barking back and forth or something like
that you see it as nope red flag like Like that's
not play fighting. That's real fighting. I'm
like, ooh. There's like deep issues going on
there. Yeah. Something bigger is going on. And
like I said, there's another couple out there
for you. You don't have to spend all your time
and energy and focus on trying to fix people
and trying to, you know, just some people are
just people. Some people aren't the greatest.
Some couples aren't, just aren't it. Yeah. And
just go with your gut. If you see anything that
makes you feel uneasy or you just don't like,
you don't have to. be a part of it and you can
remove yourself quietly, nicely. Remove yourself.
It's all as simple as it is. We've done that.
We were actually pretty good at doing that from
the beginning. Because we had some people with
red flags that were very aggressive in the beginning.
We had to quietly remove ourselves without really
just hurting, like being like, no. all right
mistake number five believing jealousy doesn't
exist and more so on that like if you're a good
swinger oh jealous oh yeah good swingers just
believing that jealousy is just such a bad thing
and a horrible thing and i've said it once i've
said it i'll say it a million times more it's
a basic human emotion yeah people say if you're
jealous you shouldn't be in the lifestyle you're
horrible at the lifestyle if you feel jealousy
and that i never got that like how are you horrible
at the lifestyle yeah i know and how do you yeah
i never like i never everybody has their own
journey and again jealousy is normal jealousy
is okay and what you do with it also it's sometimes
it takes couples to get into the lifestyle to
actually find out it's not for them no No, it's
not for everyone. It's not for everyone. We're
not trying to sell it to everybody. It shows
how comfortable they are in their relationship
that they are willing to explore it and then
recognize that, okay, this really isn't for us.
And then they step back. It's that simple. Jealousy
happens. Jealousy exists. Even in the tightest,
most solid couples, your jealousy is a thing
that pops up. It's a thing that pops up. It's
going to happen. So that's not true. Not true.
And for the next segment, we have gotten a list
of stuff. A lot of people interacted and submitted
their own mistakes that they've made and lessons
that they learned. So I have a list of those.
Number six would have and was going to be also
on the list. I was between the last one and this
one. And it's taking one for the team. And I've
gotten that so many times. So many people have
made that mistake. Including us. Yeah. Including
us. I think everybody has. I feel like we've
all been there. So. My favorite stories are.
Because we've both done it. We've both. More
than once. We've made the mistake. But they're
so nice. We always say they're so nice. My favorite
ones are. When we don't. We misread each other's
cues. And we both take one for the team. And
then we don't realize it until after the fact.
We've learned that lesson. I wanted to add that
to my list. It was almost on there. And I knew
everyone was going to be coming back with that
one. Because I think almost all of us have been
in a situation where they're not 100 % turned
on with the person. They can sit and everything.
We've all been there and we turn not to make
that mistake anymore. That's one that we definitely
have. My favorite. I'll look at you and be like,
we're not doing that. We're not doing that. We
stopped doing that. Some of my favorite stories
that we still laugh about are when we're both
taking one for the team and we realize it in
the middle of a play session. We look each other.
You ready? You ready? You good? Don't do that.
We've learned the hard way. Yes. The next one
is one that someone said, never play with more
than you can handle. One guy can't realistically
pleasure four women at the same time. So it took
me a long time to just have, like, to be with
two women at one time. It's a lot. going on there's
a lot because yeah like it's that's a that's
a lot of work that's a lot of work i mean every
man knows and woman knows that the female orgasm
is completely different than the male orgasm
takes much more time and it takes a lot more
attention and to just get one female to orgasm
when you have two Not just two, but two straight
women. It's different if they're bi because then
they play with each other. But two straight women
that are just strictly focused on you, that is
hard to balance. Because then you're literally
trying to pleasure everybody at once. It's a
lot. I'm telling you, it is a lot. It's a lot.
Not for everybody. It's not. All right. Hey,
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find your next favorite piece. The next one is
invite a couple to your house on your first date.
I already know how that could go bad. Yeah. We've
never done that. We've never done that. But we
have been to a couple's house on the first date.
Yeah. Yeah, we have. It was just as awkward for
us as I'm sure it was for them because they had
never done anything lifestyle. They were super,
super, super new. And we just were like hanging
out at their house. Yeah. It was late at night.
Yeah. After the bomb. It was. Yeah. So that one,
like we went to their house, like we did play
with them. Yeah. But we went to their house two
or three times before we actually played with
them because no one could get, I never like,
I never got the vibe that to start playing, to
make the move. But they were so new and so young.
They were young. They were very young. And they,
we were at their house. And so, yeah. But yeah,
it always makes it awkward. That's why I would
definitely always prefer to meet at a restaurant
or a club or a place that's neutral. A good space
where you can excuse yourself a little bit easier.
It's a little harder when you're at your own
house especially because you have to kick people
out of your home pretty much and be the nicest
possible doing it. It always makes things a little
bit... I've also heard horror stories of it going
bad and the couple getting in a fight. like physical
altercations and then the first date you don't
even know the people at all so you have no idea
who in the heck or what they're like together
their chemistry and yeah yeah just don't do that
yeah don't recommend you're out of time and then
never change rules when you're drunk or in the
middle of play yeah never that's a big yeah huge
one that definitely should be on there definitely
do not break rules when you're in the middle
of whatever yeah you're not going Don't change
things. Don't adjust boundaries. In the middle
of play, even if you're completely sober, that
is not the time to be like, hey, I'm going to
do this now. Hope you're okay with it. That's
not the time or place to have that conversation.
You stay within the boundaries and then afterwards,
that's a conversation you can have at a later
time. Like, hey, I think I want to... try this
next time i know we've talked about it but how
do you feel about it now that we have a little
bit it's always okay to adjust and yeah boundaries
and everything but definitely don't do it when
you're under the influence when you can't consider
no and when you're in those are later conversations
and do it in private every 90 of the time your
boundaries and rules are going to adjust because
but they're also there for a reason exactly to
address that reason in the middle yeah stuff
like that it's just not But when you're adjusting
your boundaries, that means the reason that boundary
was there is no longer a problem. You don't change
the boundary just to make your partner happy
either. You're changing the boundary because
you're both comfortable with it. Okay. Never
hard swap with a couple that indulges in substances
that we aren't comfortable consuming. and that
goes back to just same with the last one anytime
you're under the influence of anything you can't
consent and also it's not fun it's sloppy yeah
it's not it's usually not a good time anyway
if you're yeah if people aren't in the right
frame of mind and everyone's not present i definitely
prefer sober and at least you know for the most
part yeah i definitely prefer sober like a couple
drinks is fine but past that it just starts to
get a little bit Not fun. A couple drinks is
fine. That's just like a social lubricant. But
when you get to anything not that or too much
of it's not like you don't feel anything. Everything
goes up. You're not experiencing the sensations
and everything that you want to feel because
you're not all there. It's just not good. Don't
do it. Yeah. Don't do it. The next one, not discussing
the experience afterwards. Yeah, you definitely
need to unpack. And some people prefer not to
know details and not to talk about it, but. I,
let's see. I can only speak from our experience
and it's, we enjoy watching each other. Yeah.
So. When we talk about it, it's like reliving
those moments. So it might be different. Some
people don't love to hear details and hear the
ins and outs about everything that someone does.
But for overall the experience as a whole, it's
good for you and your partner to discuss that
part. I think it's part of growing and part of
being in the lifestyle and evolving and stuff.
It's good to get it out there and just talk about
your experience. You don't have to if that's
your thing. You don't have to get into the nitty
-gritty details. It kind of goes back to your
wants and needs and desires. I desired this.
I wanted this. I got this. This happened. Didn't
love it. Let's not do that anymore or for a while.
Back off a little bit. All right. And then the
big one, another big one. that was going to make
my list as well is jumping into fast rushing
thin things instead of easing your way into the
lifestyle and i think that's a big mistake that
a lot of people make i think yeah everybody gets
very excited yeah i always talk about that cocaine
effect it's very it's a rush you get into that
environment and you kind of get consumed and
you start doing things that you think is okay
but before you talked about it like you're just
assuming it's okay yeah and you're jumping you're
jumping in way too fast you're going in head
first usually without any communication without
communication just and it's nine times out of
ten it ends badly yeah slow down it's not a race
we always say that's one of our biggest tips
that we tell everybody is to just if you're vibing
with a couple and you're one of you isn't ready
to swap or play with it anybody else it's okay
your vibes there you're going to have another
chance yeah you'll connect and the more you connect
and the more often you see each other and the
more you're around each other you don't have
to do sexually but that does help in the long
run yeah get comfortable and be yeah be and be
and be and be Alright, for the next segment,
we're going to talk about unspoken lessons no
one warned us about. We're going to warn you
guys about. That's what we're here for. First
one is the lifestyle won't fix a broken relationship.
Yeah, 100%. It will expose. Just like having
a kid to save your marriage. Same idea. It's
not going to make it any better. It's only going
to amplify all of the things. People think In
the beginning. It is helping. Yes. Because there's
that honeymoon. That adrenaline rush. Yeah. Excitement.
And they. Hot people. Everywhere. Hot people.
And then. You get to touch. Your sex with your
partner is really hot. Because you can't go on.
Yeah. Because it's just sexy. Yeah. But that's
when. Relationships become sex based. Which sex
is an important part of your relationship. But
it can't be sex based. Yeah. And that's where
it's going to expose a lot of the fractures in
your relationship. It will not save your marriage.
You need to be going into this lifestyle with
a strong foundation or you are going to be in
trouble. You can build the best house in the
world but the foundation isn't there. It's just
going to crumble. All the old people sayings.
All the old sayings. All the cliches. All the
things that applies here definitely work on your
foundation before you build on it because it
will yeah 100 expose all the cracks faster and
then the next one friendships can get messy i
feel like they can yeah especially when you involve
people that don't have strong foundations and
have right that's what i was gonna get i was
trying to word that is people, well, they don't
have strong foundations and other people that
don't understand the boundaries that you and
your partner have and they cross your boundaries.
Because you need to set boundaries for your friends
as well as. Yeah. And then so you don't, when
you don't trust your friends, then you, you try
and bring it up to them. If they're not good,
they get defensive and yeah, it can be a whole
thing. Just like any other friendship. You have
to work and put effort into it and it's complicated
and it can get messy. But then you add sex on
top of it and marriages and relationships and
stuff. So the chance of things going bad are
a little bit higher. And, you know, set those
boundaries with your friends or even non -lifestyle
friends. You should be setting boundaries. All
of our friends know that we put our family first,
that we are usually 99 % of the time busy with
kids and life and work and family and all of
that. And it's hard to get. together and it's
not the easiest and we do struggle to get date
nights in and stuff with people and you have
to be a little bit more patient with us because
we do this is what we do for fun yeah this is
most part this is our free time yeah we don't
have that much of it so we try to as much as
possible what helps you know we do share it with
you guys but it is a little bit more complicated
and stuff so set those boundaries and make sure
that you yeah that kind of goes back to the part
where your boundaries like set your boundaries
before you even get into it everybody period
with everybody with everyone yourself everyone
yeah all the boundaries yes and then handling
lifestyle burnout because that's a real thing
yeah and it's okay to take breaks i know we know
a lot of couples that do take breaks but hot
take though hot take we actually discussed this
not too long ago we had a late night discussion
on this but I feel like if you... I don't know.
I don't want to make anyone mad, but I think
that if you step away from the lifestyle and
you stop being in the lifestyle, that usually
is a red flag for me. I don't know. I think a
lot of the couples that say that they're taking
a break from the lifestyle are... Yeah, we did
talk about that. It's usually a marriage issue.
Yeah. Also... And it's okay to not actively swing
and not go to events and not go to clubs and
not do all of that, but to remove yourself completely
from being... a swinger in the lifestyle and
stuff that yeah when you completely ostracize
yourself for a while and then come back like
nothing happened it's always a red flag that's
a that is a red flag because we build real friendships
in the lifestyle yeah if any of our friends in
the lifestyle just all of a sudden just stopped
communicating with us and said well we're not
in the lifestyle like well i thought we were
friends yeah yeah I think because the definition
of lifestyle is it's your lifestyle. It's the
way that you live. That is something. Another
hot take. Hot take. People call this a hobby.
Yeah. But it's a lifestyle. When can everybody
just own it? You know what I mean? For some people,
they do it once a year and they go to Hedo and
come home. And it is like a... So I feel like
that's the... For me, again... that's there between
the lifestyle and swingers i mean a swinger yeah
yeah or being like a exhibition like i don't
feel like those two words are synonymous yeah
i think if you're saying lifestyle that you're
not monogamous it's part of who you are as a
human being so yeah and it's i mean it's okay
to not go to events and not go to parties and
not do all of that and everything else and it's
okay to take breaks and it is overwhelming i
get that i do but yeah it can be a lot not just
emotionally and physically but financially oh
yeah oh yeah it's not cheap it is expensive not
cheap to be here no so yeah i get people taking
breaks but it's the people that have to feel
like they have to announce it yeah yeah that
yeah it's the people that it's the same for people
that like focusing on their marriage usually
it's because there's something in the marriage
and that's okay to do that and focus on that
but yeah it should be something that you're doing
every day anyway yeah like i don't know i guess
it's just hard to understand when it is such
a part of our life because we've taken breaks
i'd say we've stepped away but we were still
in the lifestyle We still talk to our friends.
We're still swingers. That's what I was going
to say. We were actively playing and going to
the club or clubs and takeovers and stuff like
that. We're still talking with our circle and
our friends and being a part of it online. We
are real friends. They're real friends. People
that announced their exit and then cut everyone
off. that tells me that you don't want anybody
to see what's actually going on yeah just a red
flag just and it's not and red flags aren't don't
mean it's like end all be all it is just a little
thing to keep an eye on that's what i always
try to tell people people get so defensive when
i say that's a red flag it doesn't mean that
it's it's not it's toxic or it's a no completely
shut down it's just something that i keep an
eye on and again with that gut feeling it's just
something that i I watch and I look and I observe
and... Everyone has red flags. Just a warning.
Everyone has red flags. Oh, I have so many. Yeah.
Like, I have red flags. You have red flags. Like,
we all have red flags. It's just a warning. Just
a little... I feel like there are more cues onto
if... Are you going to mesh with that person
or not? Yeah. And everyone's like... Like, are
their red flags not copacetic with your red flags?
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next segment. What would you tell your past self?
If we could go back in time, what advice would
you give yourself? Like how far back in time?
Probably the beginning, I'd say. Like the lifestyle?
First day. Or like 18? No, lifestyle. Lifestyle.
Because if it was my 18, like... You're not going
to believe this shit. Lifestyle. Well, hang on.
Just wait. But not lifestyle. I would tell my
younger self what we say every single week. It's
not that serious. Don't make it weird. There's
a reason we say that. It's not just something
we say. It's part of our everyday. phrase we
say all the time um i would say that oh you are
attractive people do find you attractive your
penis is big enough what else get comfortable
being uncomfortable it's okay to be uncomfortable
we've said that one way before the lifestyle
okay to be comfortable uncomfortable that's when
the best things happen when you're uncomfortable
yeah don't be afraid to voice how you feel or
what you want your needs your wants how you're
feeling yeah you're uncomfortable anything at
all be comfortable speaking up for yourself and
standing up for yourself because you do and you
will have to in the lifestyle you will have to
be a voice for yourself and your partner and
your friends and the lifestyle in general we
are but don't be so scared it's okay to not like
things to like things to have an opinion it's
okay yeah it's It's okay to have an opinion.
It's okay to not be okay with everything. Their
emotional response isn't your responsibility.
And it's an us thing. That's all that matters.
Nothing else matters. And sometimes that does
help me to step back and say that to myself and
realize none of this matters that much. As long
as you and him are okay, it's an us thing. That's
all that really matters. All of this little stuff.
As long as we're good. The world's good. That's
it. All right. What do you think is the biggest
mind shift that we've had over the last five
years in the lifestyle? Our biggest shift, I
feel, is we recognize the emotions that happen.
And the fact that it's okay to have emotions.
We spent so long just no emotion, no emotion,
no feeling. We fought it. We did. And the fact
that we were feeling a certain way or that we
were close with people, we felt guilt about it.
Yeah. Like, we're not supposed to do this. Scary.
I'm only supposed to have emotions for you. Yeah,
no emotions for anyone else. But it's recognizing
that there's different type of emotions. Yeah.
And emotions are, again, natural and they're
going to happen and feelings happen and it's
okay. I think that's been the biggest shift.
It's not the enemy. Because we would, in the
very beginning, like, if we started getting too
close to people, we would just. Ghost. Yeah,
we'd be like, this is too, this is getting too
heavy. It's getting too serious. It's too scary.
And yeah, we would just run. And now. I found
myself, I, with people we've met recently, like,
I, you even said that to me because I was like,
I forget what I was saying one day and I was
going, I was having a moment and you were like,
you're starting, you're trying to. Pull back
from them. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forget what I exactly
said. I call you on that shit now. Yeah, I forget
what I exactly said, and I was like, it's getting
too scary, so you're starting to put that wall
back up because I'm starting to, like, you know,
analyze it and getting a little too scared of
things, and then you're like, there you are trying
to run them off again. So I have to remind myself,
and it's good to have somebody that keeps you
in check, too. Yeah, and I don't say it, like,
in a bad way. No, no, no, no. It's literally
just that. It's literally just, like, because
I... I recognize it. yeah so you reckon because
you do it so naturally that's what i've always
done you've always done it don't let anybody
in block your heart block the wall up yeah and
so yeah i do tend to fall back on that and i
have to remember i have you to remind me well
you called me out on my yeah just different different
yeah different thing yes all right and then one
piece of advice for new people ending the lifestyle
now off of all of that say my i would say to
anybody new single or in a relationship that
it's not a race yes slow down there's always
going to be plenty of time to people you're gonna
find plenty of people and be patient you're gonna
find i know it's Depending on where you live
and who you're hanging out with and the clubs
you're going to and the places you're going,
it might take you a long time to find your people
and it might take you a long time to find somebody
to swap with or to even be interested in swapping
with. And that's okay. There are people out there.
I promise you every shape, every color, every
size, everything. You will find your people that
are into the same stuff that you're into. They're
out there. Sometimes it's just we're lucky and
we live in a really... populated area full of
swingers and we're very very spoiled with the
clubs and the events and all the things here
but if you live in you know arkansas or iowa
or somewhere where there's nothing you're gonna
have a little bit harder time finding your people
but i promise that they're out there they're
very discreet yeah i promise they're out there
because you're in the bible belt you're gonna
have to just search a little bit harder be patient
you know just in general another i got another
one too and this again for singles or couples
is understand that as a couple or a single person
you're being invited into another couple's dynamic
relationship so understand your place yeah yeah
and your purpose and your purpose why you're
all there and what yeah and that purpose can
vary and that reason can change but just understand
that you're being invited into that other couple's
or people's dynamic yeah it's kind of a big deal
yeah no just be respectful exactly kind be a
good human just be nice really it's very simple
as that put yourself out there too like don't
be afraid to just go out there and say hi and
to talk to the person and everyone's like oh
they're out of my life don't Do you know how
many times that I've been out of my league in
this last five years? Do you know how many times
I've looked at him and be like, what is happening
right now? I would have never imagined. It's
all a vibe. It's all energy. It's all a personality
thing. It's so much more. We've pulled some dime
pieces together. We've looked at each other at
five. There's been moments where we're just mind
blown, speechless type thing. It's just about,
it's about so much more than looks and about
the perfect body or the perfect whatever face
or smile or eyes or whatever. Really? I would
say this in its confidence. Confidence. Find
your confidence. Yeah. If you believe it. They're
all going to believe it. So whatever you believe
is going to be what it is. But if you're going
to believe it, believe it. Believe it. Yeah.
Because if it's disingenuine, everybody's going
to see you right through it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You have to believe it with your gut and your
whole heart and everyone. It will be. Period.
Yeah. And that's, I mean, I know it sounds insane,
but watch. You just watch. You just watch. Go
out there confident and everyone else will believe
in you too and everything that it is that you
want to be. You can be in this lifestyle. And
that's probably one of my favorite things. There's
someone for everyone. And nobody is out of your
league. I promise. I promise. That's not a thing
here. It's all about the chemistry and the vibes
and humans. Be kind. Be good. Just be a good
person and be friendly. You know, be charismatic.
Go make friends. Smile. Make eye contact. Just
be. Just be. Just be. Be yourself. Be yourself.
Yeah. All right. And then for the last segment,
the best decisions we have ever made. Redemptions.
These are our redemptions. Learning to walk away
and saying no. We're back to that pretty much.
Yeah. And it's come full circle. It's okay to
realize this is not something that I want. This
is not something or someone that I'm interested
in. And there is power in just not and saying
no and speaking out for yourself or your partner
or both of you. yeah saying it's not just speaking
up with other people it's speaking up with your
partner yeah and to yourself recognizing that
you don't this isn't something you want personally
and then going from there you're choosing what
you want and what you don't want and say have
power in that even negative emotions can be turned
into positive emotions that's okay yeah like
even if you're having a bad experience and you
step away from it and you eventually figure out
why it was a bad experience for you why you didn't
like it no and then you go from there and you
grow and then the next big one is surrounding
ourselves with the right people and that has
changed yes pretty much everything in this past
year or so we've really We've revaluated a lot
of our relationships and our friendships with
people and who we surround ourselves with. We
stepped back and we were like, is this really
what we want? Is this really who we want to be
associated with? Is this really what we're wanting?
We definitely have rekindled old friendships
that we realize were very valuable. We've taken
a step back from some friendships that... we're
not serving not serving yeah not yeah and we've
built some new amazing friendships yeah and it's
amazing what you attract when you allow it yeah
when you are just being yourself and you just
put that wall down and you just become authentic
and you are who you are you attract that yeah
and it's amazing how you can attract that just
from being yourself and you'll find the people
come to you. It's like a magnet. As soon as you
put yourself out there and you just be your true
self, you'll find people that gravitate towards
you, that love you. And that just, it's good.
It is. It's a good thing. That was the best thing.
We built a pretty good tribe. I'm not gonna lie.
Yeah. It's the 3 a .m. No questions asked. Shovel.
Yeah. I could call. Shovel type of people. Yeah.
Yes. And. Not only people and friends and everything,
but the people you play with. So not settling
for just any and any. Well, and I think now because
we're surrounding ourselves with people that
we're comfortable with, who we're ourselves with,
it allows for the conversations to happen and
to fulfill fantasies that aren't possible with
that. Certain level. Yeah. Just. Yeah. So the
more comfortable you get, the more fantasies
you get to explore. It's a whole new world. Yeah.
100%. I'm here for it though. 10 out of 10 recommend.
10 out of 10 recommend. I'm here for it. And
the last thing I would have to say is embrace
the fun and not the pressure. Yeah. Yeah. If
you're feeling a lot of pressure. Expectation.
Expect. And those usually come from expectations.
What happens when that doesn't happen? You can
easily get pissed off. We know people who go
in with super big expectations and then they
leave not fulfilling those expectations. They
throw a fit like a child. We've seen full -blown
tantrums from these people that are like this.
It makes total sense though. If you go back a
few weeks when I talked to Jim, we learn everything
emotionally by the age of eight. And if we don't
work on ourselves after that, we are responding
at an emotional level of an eight -year -old.
That's exactly right. Temper tantrum, we see.
So they're not doing it. And that's another red
flag is, oh, you're not doing the work on yourself.
You're not actually finding why you're. Trying
to figure out why you're having these feelings.
You're just blaming it on everyone else. That's
usually the thing they deflect onto someone else.
Take it out on, unfortunately, their partner
and their person. Yeah, unfortunately. And that's
where you start seeing relationships crumble.
Yeah, that's the gist of all the most common
list of stuff. People regret the biggest mistakes
they've made. hearing all the time on social
media and dms and emails and podcasts comments
and all of that that's pretty much the big i
know there's so many more if you think of anything
else dms drop us comment down below youtube wherever
you're watching this or you can put a comment
just about anywhere nowadays so social media
dms and we have email there's so many different
ways to reach us if you have more We're always
up for continuing episodes and talking more about
these things and hopefully helping you avoid
some of these mistakes that we've made and others
have made along the lines. Try to give a couple
cheat codes to make it easier. Yes. We don't
want anybody to make the same mistakes. We've
learned some hard lessons. There we go. That's
what I was trying to say. Learn some hard lessons.
We're trying to help you out. But next week's
episode, we will be live at Secrets. It's going
to be exciting with the motherfucking leaves.
I'm so excited. We're finally going to have them
on the podcast. We're probably going to sit down.
Yeah, in person. We've talked about them pretty
much every episode for the last. They've almost
been on our podcast. Quite a few times. But something's
always happened. The internet keeps testing us.
So we're finally going to sit down with them.
We have two days with them at Secrets. And then
we'll be there for five days. So we should have
time. We're going to probably do another. podcast
as well while we're there us wrapping up the
weekend and all of that too so definitely look
forward to all of social media we're going to
be having all the secrets things all the tiktoks
and instagrams and we'll have all of that coming
here soon and that's really the big thing going
on right now secrets is kind of a big deal it's
pretty pretty huge event for us two three times
a year so we're excited to be there and do that
and have time together and It's been a week in
Florida. It's always a good turn. But if you
enjoyed this episode, make sure that you leave
a review and share it with your friends. Comment
below. Like all the things. Do all the stuff.
Please. Share. Please. Please. And remember.
It's not that serious. Don't make it weird. We
love you guys. And we will talk to you next week.
Bye. Bye.