WEBVTT 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.200 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the 10th episode 00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:06.240 of the Rejected Pre -Meant Podcast, a space where 00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:08.699 rejection is celebrated. The podcast is truly 00:00:08.699 --> 00:00:11.160 all about showing how rejection is often redirection 00:00:11.160 --> 00:00:13.820 and it is not inherently negative. In fact, it 00:00:13.820 --> 00:00:15.580 can lead us to personal and professional growth 00:00:15.580 --> 00:00:18.140 and could be viewed as an opportunity. In today's 00:00:18.140 --> 00:00:20.739 episode, I'm very happy and honored to welcome 00:00:20.739 --> 00:00:24.280 Dave Robbins as our guest. Dave has been an occupational 00:00:24.280 --> 00:00:27.359 therapist since 2007. He not only worked with 00:00:27.359 --> 00:00:29.440 thousands of clients during those 10 years of 00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:31.899 practice, but he also spent 14 years caring for 00:00:31.899 --> 00:00:34.719 his own father after a severe stroke. Dave specializes 00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:36.880 in building deep connections and identifying 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:39.200 patterns that hinder people from maximizing their 00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:41.179 physical and psychological function in their 00:00:41.179 --> 00:00:43.240 daily environments. He developed three years 00:00:43.240 --> 00:00:45.140 worth of curriculum for a course that assists 00:00:45.140 --> 00:00:47.359 people in opening their minds up to possibilities 00:00:47.359 --> 00:00:49.700 that helps people recognize their blind spots 00:00:49.700 --> 00:00:51.920 and shift their mindsets towards an optimistic 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:54.280 future. With this experience, Dave shifted from 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:56.380 the public healthcare system into working with 00:00:56.380 --> 00:00:58.820 businesses and individuals towards mental wellness 00:00:58.820 --> 00:01:01.979 as a certified transformational coach using choice 00:01:01.979 --> 00:01:04.780 and connection as powerful tools in thought. 00:01:05.019 --> 00:01:07.040 His book with the working title of Your Father 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:09.200 Healed the World is in process for publishing 00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:11.620 and Dave has a special offer exclusively for 00:01:11.620 --> 00:01:13.439 listeners of this podcast. So be sure to stick 00:01:13.439 --> 00:01:15.739 around until the end of the episode to find out 00:01:15.739 --> 00:01:18.900 what it is. So Dave, thank you so much for making 00:01:18.900 --> 00:01:22.079 the time to appear on the show. I am very happy 00:01:22.079 --> 00:01:24.000 to have you on and I'm very much looking forward 00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:26.599 to the wisdom you will bestow upon us in this 00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:29.400 episode. So, can you first just start by telling 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:31.180 me how do you feel about doing today's episode? 00:01:31.439 --> 00:01:33.900 Well, thank you. Let me first say how much I 00:01:33.900 --> 00:01:36.500 appreciate you welcoming on to your podcast, 00:01:36.640 --> 00:01:38.859 Valeria. I really appreciate it. I'm honored 00:01:38.859 --> 00:01:41.659 as well to be able to share this time with you. 00:01:41.939 --> 00:01:45.859 I'm excited to see what comes up during our conversation. 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.799 The last conversation we had was great. I think 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.459 it was a great foundation for building a relationship 00:01:51.459 --> 00:01:54.359 that we built. And yeah, really looking forward 00:01:54.359 --> 00:01:58.019 to seeing what comes from the questions you ask 00:01:58.019 --> 00:02:00.719 and being able to serve you and your audience 00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:03.480 as best I can. That's great to hear. That's great 00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:06.560 to hear. Yes, thanks again for being on this 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:10.780 show. So my A follow up question for you. So 00:02:10.780 --> 00:02:14.139 you have been practicing as an occupational therapist 00:02:14.139 --> 00:02:16.180 for many years now, but in our first meeting, 00:02:16.620 --> 00:02:18.639 you shared with me that you didn't get into occupational 00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:21.740 therapy the first time applying. So can you share 00:02:21.740 --> 00:02:24.960 that experience with me again and the listeners 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:28.419 and how you dealt with that? Yeah, absolutely. 00:02:28.740 --> 00:02:31.439 I mean, not only did I not get in the first time, 00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:35.030 I didn't get in the second time either. So You 00:02:35.030 --> 00:02:39.770 know, I was in acting school when my father had 00:02:39.770 --> 00:02:44.069 his stroke. I previously had achieved a bachelor's 00:02:44.069 --> 00:02:46.650 of psychology, bachelor of arts in psychology. 00:02:46.650 --> 00:02:48.870 And then I traveled for a while, went back to 00:02:48.870 --> 00:02:52.270 school for acting and then my dad had his stroke. 00:02:52.310 --> 00:02:56.750 And while I was wanting to be an actor, it was 00:02:56.750 --> 00:02:59.770 more important for me to support my family. So 00:02:59.770 --> 00:03:02.990 I dropped out of that acting program and I supported 00:03:02.990 --> 00:03:06.259 my dad for as you said, a number of years. And 00:03:06.259 --> 00:03:09.219 while I was marketing this business to help people 00:03:09.219 --> 00:03:12.819 like him adjust their lives and their homes to 00:03:12.819 --> 00:03:16.560 these newly acquired challenges, somebody said 00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:18.599 that I really needed to be an occupational therapist 00:03:18.599 --> 00:03:22.060 in order to be successful in my business. So 00:03:22.060 --> 00:03:26.439 I went and applied for the Master of Occupational 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:28.159 Therapy program at the University of British 00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:31.479 Columbia. And I was so excited because I got 00:03:31.479 --> 00:03:35.419 an interview. and I went to the interview and 00:03:35.419 --> 00:03:38.740 it went incredibly well. They told me that it 00:03:38.740 --> 00:03:41.699 went incredibly well. They were very excited 00:03:41.699 --> 00:03:46.400 to have the opportunity for us to collaborate 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:49.599 in education. And then I got my first rejection, 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:54.560 which was that my GPA from my undergraduate degree 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:56.879 was not high enough for them to allow me into 00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:02.039 the program. To say the least, I was disappointed 00:04:02.039 --> 00:04:06.719 but I guess I had lived long enough and knew 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:10.780 finally what I wanted to do enough that I could 00:04:10.780 --> 00:04:13.840 tap into my determination and I went back to 00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:16.920 school and I took a number of counseling psychology 00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:23.180 courses and I've got between 91 -98 % in all 00:04:23.180 --> 00:04:26.399 of them. I was finally able to be a great student. 00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:29.399 Again, I think because I finally knew what I 00:04:29.399 --> 00:04:32.639 wanted to do with my life and then I applied 00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:36.240 again and this time I didn't even get an interview 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:40.839 and I thought, well, shit, what do I do now? 00:04:41.139 --> 00:04:45.220 So, I was having a conversation with a friend 00:04:45.220 --> 00:04:48.439 of my mother and she said, well, they don't know 00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:50.759 what they're missing out on. You should probably 00:04:50.759 --> 00:04:53.160 write them a letter to tell them and I thought, 00:04:53.819 --> 00:04:56.120 well, that's a great idea. So, I wrote this letter. 00:04:57.220 --> 00:05:01.259 And it basically said, hey, last time I got an 00:05:01.259 --> 00:05:02.980 interview, this time I didn't get an interview. 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:05.660 I didn't even get an interview last time you 00:05:05.660 --> 00:05:07.579 were excited to let me in. And this time I can't 00:05:07.579 --> 00:05:10.660 even, I can't even get in front of you to let 00:05:10.660 --> 00:05:13.680 you know how capable I am. And, and you haven't 00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:17.220 looked at how great a student I've become. I 00:05:17.220 --> 00:05:20.899 got between 91 and 98 in all my classes. And 00:05:20.899 --> 00:05:23.160 that should show you that I'm really determined 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:26.170 to be a part of this program. And the letter 00:05:26.170 --> 00:05:28.870 worked. Got an interview, did really well on 00:05:28.870 --> 00:05:31.550 the interview again and then I got my next rejection 00:05:31.550 --> 00:05:34.069 which wasn't a full rejection but it felt a little 00:05:34.069 --> 00:05:37.350 bit like it which was been put on the wait list. 00:05:37.990 --> 00:05:40.730 So, what that meant was like, you're good but 00:05:40.730 --> 00:05:42.769 we can't really let you in unless somebody who 00:05:42.769 --> 00:05:47.370 we would prefer to get in there rejects us. But 00:05:47.370 --> 00:05:49.730 lucky me, somebody decided not to do the program 00:05:49.730 --> 00:05:53.379 and I managed to get in. And I later found out 00:05:53.379 --> 00:05:57.019 that the interim head of the department actually 00:05:57.019 --> 00:06:00.079 really appreciated my letter. I worded it better 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.399 than I spoke it just now, but it was obvious 00:06:03.399 --> 00:06:08.279 how determined I was and how capable I was and 00:06:08.279 --> 00:06:12.240 how interested I was in becoming an occupational 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:15.839 therapist. Right. And how do you think that experience 00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:18.100 shaped your approach to rejection in general? 00:06:18.379 --> 00:06:20.910 Oh, that's a great question. I think that It 00:06:20.910 --> 00:06:23.970 was a lot of things before that, like a lot of 00:06:23.970 --> 00:06:26.089 rejections before that, that actually shaped 00:06:26.089 --> 00:06:30.730 my capacity to not really be too heartbroken 00:06:30.730 --> 00:06:35.389 about all of it. You know, as an actor, there's 00:06:35.389 --> 00:06:38.250 a ton of rejection. I mean, you audition and 00:06:38.250 --> 00:06:41.649 you audition and you audition and audition. And 00:06:41.649 --> 00:06:45.589 most people who audition land fewer roles than 00:06:45.589 --> 00:06:49.639 what they auditioned for, right? So there's no 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:51.620 shortage of rejection there. I remember meeting 00:06:51.620 --> 00:06:56.899 this one actor who told me that you can use the 00:06:56.899 --> 00:07:01.100 energy of potential rejection to show up in the 00:07:01.100 --> 00:07:05.339 way that you want to show up for yourself. So 00:07:05.339 --> 00:07:11.839 instead of feeling hard done by or like angry 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:15.160 or really like the sadness of rejection, the 00:07:15.160 --> 00:07:19.709 hurt of rejection, I'm not immune, so I would 00:07:19.709 --> 00:07:22.470 feel some sense of disappointment, but I'd also 00:07:22.470 --> 00:07:27.949 feel you to show up with even more determination, 00:07:28.589 --> 00:07:34.920 enthusiasm, excitement thereafter. Yeah. Wow, 00:07:35.019 --> 00:07:38.000 acting to occupational therapy, to becoming a 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.899 certified transformational coach. That's definitely 00:07:40.899 --> 00:07:43.279 not a very linear, doesn't seem like a linear 00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:45.920 path, but it works for you. And it's great because 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:47.839 I didn't know you were in acting. I just learned 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:50.079 that today. Right? Yeah, we didn't talk about 00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:53.759 that last time. No, it's great that you use that 00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:57.300 rejection as a fuel and that advice came to you 00:07:57.300 --> 00:07:59.899 at the right place, right time. And then you 00:07:59.899 --> 00:08:03.170 remembered that and you utilized it. he got you 00:08:03.170 --> 00:08:06.370 an acceptance into occupational therapy, and 00:08:06.370 --> 00:08:09.410 he led you to help so many people and continue 00:08:09.410 --> 00:08:12.329 to help so many people to this day. Yeah, thank 00:08:12.329 --> 00:08:15.490 you for saying that. It kind of aligns with what 00:08:15.490 --> 00:08:18.389 you were saying that the whole podcast is really 00:08:18.389 --> 00:08:23.649 about. It's reframing that it's more like instead 00:08:23.649 --> 00:08:28.199 of rejection, it's more like redirecting. And 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:29.879 I think I really feel like that's what happened 00:08:29.879 --> 00:08:32.419 to me. I was in acting school. I feel like my 00:08:32.419 --> 00:08:34.659 dad kind of took one for the team. I wasn't meant 00:08:34.659 --> 00:08:38.179 to be an actor. I was meant to be an occupational 00:08:38.179 --> 00:08:40.899 therapist or transformational coach or some combination 00:08:40.899 --> 00:08:44.259 of those. And my dad had a stroke in order to 00:08:44.259 --> 00:08:47.960 prevent me from actually becoming an actor and 00:08:47.960 --> 00:08:52.139 for pulling me into this helping industry that 00:08:52.139 --> 00:08:55.409 was like a side of the universe. And then the 00:08:55.409 --> 00:08:58.809 advice that I got from that actor about how to 00:08:58.809 --> 00:09:03.090 refuel or be intentional about how I fuel or 00:09:03.090 --> 00:09:06.009 choose that rejection as fuel and then my mother's 00:09:06.009 --> 00:09:08.830 friend who said you should write a letter, right? 00:09:08.990 --> 00:09:12.870 And I feel like when we're not too caught up 00:09:12.870 --> 00:09:16.909 in what we think we're supposed to do, then we 00:09:16.909 --> 00:09:21.220 have much more available to us. for following 00:09:21.220 --> 00:09:24.460 the signs of where the universe is steering us, 00:09:24.620 --> 00:09:26.799 right? And that's for saying that I needed to 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:30.299 hear that today, I think. So, thank you. Yeah, 00:09:30.700 --> 00:09:35.000 it's redirecting. Rejection is redirection. Yeah, 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:37.340 and rejection is something we all go through. 00:09:37.620 --> 00:09:40.600 We just don't address it very often, especially 00:09:40.600 --> 00:09:43.320 in formal environments like universities or schools 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:45.399 where everyone feels the pressure to succeed. 00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:48.590 And it doesn't always come at the same pace or 00:09:48.590 --> 00:09:51.029 in the form you imagine it to come to you? Totally. 00:09:51.230 --> 00:09:53.649 I mean, people feel quite shy about speaking 00:09:53.649 --> 00:09:58.129 about anything that that indicates weakness or 00:09:58.129 --> 00:10:01.850 inadequacy, you know, particularly in the social 00:10:01.850 --> 00:10:06.889 media age, where you only see people's highlight 00:10:06.889 --> 00:10:11.269 reel, speaking about things that maybe don't 00:10:11.269 --> 00:10:13.750 paint you and what you perceive to be as the 00:10:13.750 --> 00:10:17.850 best light. Those end up on the editing room 00:10:17.850 --> 00:10:21.250 floor, for example, and rejection is one of those 00:10:21.250 --> 00:10:25.409 things. It's part of what we've also created. 00:10:26.289 --> 00:10:29.169 This depends on where you're from and what the 00:10:29.169 --> 00:10:33.289 culture is and where you're from. But we've created 00:10:33.289 --> 00:10:35.970 this emotional hierarchy, like happiness is way 00:10:35.970 --> 00:10:41.840 at the top and sadness is kind of... below what 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:44.159 you would normally talk about. And particularly 00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:47.500 in Canada, anger is way, way out the bottom. 00:10:47.559 --> 00:10:49.460 You're only allowed to be angry in Canada if 00:10:49.460 --> 00:10:52.179 your hockey team is losing. Otherwise, you're 00:10:52.179 --> 00:10:54.539 not really like anger. We call it frustration 00:10:54.539 --> 00:10:56.480 in Canada. You don't even, we don't even say, 00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:58.919 oh, that's a bit frustrating for me. We even 00:10:58.919 --> 00:11:01.720 stick away from that. But, but sadness would 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:04.059 be one that would be associated with rejection 00:11:04.059 --> 00:11:09.690 and sadness. It's not preferred emotion. It doesn't 00:11:09.690 --> 00:11:13.850 have the same weight as people give happiness. 00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:17.509 Like, happiness is the goal that you miss out 00:11:17.509 --> 00:11:20.169 on the depth of the human experience if you stick 00:11:20.169 --> 00:11:23.450 with happiness all the time. Yeah. And as you're 00:11:23.450 --> 00:11:25.549 saying that, I remember the movie Inside Out. 00:11:25.690 --> 00:11:28.750 You watched that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the 00:11:28.750 --> 00:11:31.429 message they were portraying. Like, without sadness, 00:11:32.009 --> 00:11:37.370 happiness doesn't feel as... Happy because you 00:11:37.370 --> 00:11:40.049 don't you don't you can't fully appreciate happiness 00:11:40.049 --> 00:11:44.250 if you haven't been sad or down well work can't 00:11:44.250 --> 00:11:47.610 fully be grateful because yeah, it's just it's 00:11:47.610 --> 00:11:50.269 it's just adds to the fullness of the human experience 00:11:50.269 --> 00:11:54.049 to and helps you be a more mentally healthy when 00:11:54.049 --> 00:11:56.470 you appreciate all the emotions that come with 00:11:56.470 --> 00:11:59.830 your mood or state or whatever life situation 00:11:59.830 --> 00:12:04.129 you're in. So yeah. Yeah, and you kind of addressed 00:12:04.129 --> 00:12:07.129 this already, but I'll still ask this. Why do 00:12:07.129 --> 00:12:09.710 you think rejection can make us feel so bad? 00:12:09.889 --> 00:12:12.909 Like, why can it feel so taboo to talk about 00:12:12.909 --> 00:12:16.450 it? Even though everyone experiences it, we all 00:12:16.450 --> 00:12:20.529 know it, but we just don't like it. Yeah, no, 00:12:20.610 --> 00:12:26.730 fair enough. I mean, I'm not a behavioral biologist. 00:12:28.429 --> 00:12:31.470 But I mean, I've got some experience with uh, 00:12:31.490 --> 00:12:33.809 from the people with whom I had the chance to 00:12:33.809 --> 00:12:37.210 work, uh, think that there's a biological component 00:12:37.210 --> 00:12:40.470 to it and that the biological component ultimately 00:12:40.470 --> 00:12:45.590 is one of survival. If you are, if you're part 00:12:45.590 --> 00:12:48.529 of the tribe, then you have people protecting 00:12:48.529 --> 00:12:52.129 you and helping feed you and you're helping them 00:12:52.129 --> 00:12:55.789 and feeding them. And if you're not part of the 00:12:55.789 --> 00:12:58.129 tribe and you're on your own, then it's a lot 00:12:58.129 --> 00:13:01.429 harder to stay safe and be fed. So I think there's 00:13:01.429 --> 00:13:03.649 a component of it that's actually biological 00:13:03.649 --> 00:13:09.429 where we fear our well -being if we're going 00:13:09.429 --> 00:13:14.610 to end up alone. And I think that that translates 00:13:14.610 --> 00:13:17.850 into more than it needs to now that we have a 00:13:17.850 --> 00:13:20.870 lot more information than we did when we were 00:13:20.870 --> 00:13:25.730 living in caves. But Well, I think that that's 00:13:25.730 --> 00:13:29.230 important. I think another one is that there's 00:13:29.230 --> 00:13:32.970 no manual or at least I haven't seen a thorough 00:13:32.970 --> 00:13:36.210 manual yet for raising children and there's so 00:13:36.210 --> 00:13:41.990 many opinions and ideas but you know, when we 00:13:41.990 --> 00:13:45.710 are doing something that maybe our parents don't 00:13:45.710 --> 00:13:50.090 want us to be doing and they react in a way that 00:13:50.090 --> 00:13:56.379 feels like it hurts our feelings. We start to 00:13:56.379 --> 00:14:00.759 associate rejection with like a removal of love. 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:05.820 And we also, again, start worrying for our well 00:14:05.820 --> 00:14:11.059 being, but also for our connection that we want 00:14:11.059 --> 00:14:14.299 to have with the people who we care about most. 00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:17.299 So I think we quite quickly start associating 00:14:17.299 --> 00:14:22.490 rejection with feelings of hurt. and also feelings 00:14:22.490 --> 00:14:26.289 of biological well -being. And because there's 00:14:26.289 --> 00:14:28.669 no manual, there's not a lot of parents who are 00:14:28.669 --> 00:14:32.009 being incredibly supportive in that moment and 00:14:32.009 --> 00:14:34.169 saying, this isn't about hurting your feelings. 00:14:34.230 --> 00:14:36.789 This is about setting boundaries. This is about 00:14:36.789 --> 00:14:39.570 what's okay when you're a part of a team like 00:14:39.570 --> 00:14:42.730 this and figuring out the pathways for us all 00:14:42.730 --> 00:14:46.629 to support each other in a way that maximizes 00:14:46.629 --> 00:14:51.240 all of our capacity and all of our value. And 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:53.480 I mean, I'm saying this, but I don't know what 00:14:53.480 --> 00:14:56.759 potential results of this could be for kids moving 00:14:56.759 --> 00:14:59.340 forward. And I'm not saying that it's necessarily 00:14:59.340 --> 00:15:03.179 better, but it might help support people with 00:15:03.179 --> 00:15:07.240 not feeling as hurt by rejection. And recognizing 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:09.860 that the rejection doesn't mean that they're 00:15:09.860 --> 00:15:12.320 not okay, or that they're that they're not good 00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:18.179 enough, that it's just art of life. Someone else's 00:15:19.940 --> 00:15:24.080 boundaries, and what that's actually about and 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:28.059 what that's for. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, what you're 00:15:28.059 --> 00:15:31.019 saying reminds me of one of the episodes I did, 00:15:31.259 --> 00:15:33.700 because often I emphasize the importance of leaning 00:15:33.700 --> 00:15:35.840 on your support systems when you're going either 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.000 through rejection or other life setbacks. Um, 00:15:39.259 --> 00:15:41.559 but, and then when one of the episodes actually 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:43.980 cover what it means to actually support someone 00:15:43.980 --> 00:15:46.659 in a good way, because yeah, you can lean on 00:15:46.659 --> 00:15:49.440 your support systems, but if your support system 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:52.659 doesn't really fully know how to support you, 00:15:52.740 --> 00:15:55.200 like what not to say, and so it's very important 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:58.539 to, um, uh, provide that support and yeah, for, 00:15:58.539 --> 00:16:02.620 for kids to be raised with, um, with, for lack 00:16:02.620 --> 00:16:04.980 of a better term, emotionally aware parents and 00:16:04.980 --> 00:16:06.980 how certain, how certain things, when they say 00:16:06.980 --> 00:16:11.149 them. how that can affect a child or even with 00:16:11.149 --> 00:16:13.909 friends, like how something you can say can affect 00:16:13.909 --> 00:16:18.590 your friend and being mindful of the words that 00:16:18.590 --> 00:16:22.289 we use and being mindful of how we support others. 00:16:22.649 --> 00:16:26.590 So I fully agree with you. And yeah, there's 00:16:26.590 --> 00:16:29.009 a biological component to it as well, because 00:16:29.009 --> 00:16:32.750 there's this aspect of social pain that you feel 00:16:32.750 --> 00:16:34.549 when you're rejected. And it's very important 00:16:34.549 --> 00:16:37.580 to have people by you who reassure you that you're 00:16:37.580 --> 00:16:39.320 still like, you're enough. You're still a good 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:41.980 candidate. It's just, it's not personal. There's 00:16:41.980 --> 00:16:44.279 just other factors that play here. Something 00:16:44.279 --> 00:16:47.019 not all things are meant for us. So saying things 00:16:47.019 --> 00:16:49.059 like that, I don't know, maybe there are better 00:16:49.059 --> 00:16:52.179 ways that you're the coach. Maybe there's other 00:16:52.179 --> 00:16:54.519 better ways to support. But that's something 00:16:54.519 --> 00:16:57.100 that that would help me like to hear. But yeah, 00:16:57.100 --> 00:16:58.879 I mean, I think you tapped into something that's 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:01.399 really important there. And that's like, knowing 00:17:01.399 --> 00:17:04.559 the person and being able to show up the way 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:08.109 that they would benefit most from you showing 00:17:08.109 --> 00:17:11.410 up. And this is something that also we haven't 00:17:11.410 --> 00:17:16.690 really focused on super well in our education 00:17:16.690 --> 00:17:19.390 system, I don't think, and that's communication. 00:17:20.369 --> 00:17:23.690 Like, it's very hard for people to even understand 00:17:23.690 --> 00:17:26.829 what they need. So in your scenario, you said 00:17:26.829 --> 00:17:29.450 that you wouldn't feel well supported if somebody 00:17:29.450 --> 00:17:32.230 said, stop crying, suck it up. Yeah, I mean, 00:17:32.509 --> 00:17:35.730 might sometimes, but when it just happened to 00:17:35.730 --> 00:17:38.769 me, don't like it's just like in the moment, 00:17:38.869 --> 00:17:41.049 it's like, for example, like yesterday or today, 00:17:41.210 --> 00:17:45.009 I probably won't be beneficial to me. Right. 00:17:45.210 --> 00:17:49.170 But but you were never also never taught to say 00:17:49.170 --> 00:17:51.730 to that person, you know what I could really 00:17:51.730 --> 00:17:54.410 use right now? I could really use you listening. 00:17:54.710 --> 00:17:57.470 And if you could support me through your words 00:17:57.470 --> 00:18:00.829 by saying things like, you've got this, I'm here 00:18:00.829 --> 00:18:04.430 for you. Would you like a hug? Do you want to 00:18:04.430 --> 00:18:07.029 go for a walk? Should we get some ice cream? 00:18:07.369 --> 00:18:10.390 Whatever it is, like, we also haven't been taught, 00:18:10.730 --> 00:18:12.789 A, to really recognize how we're feeling and 00:18:12.789 --> 00:18:16.089 what we need, but then to communicate that to 00:18:16.089 --> 00:18:18.990 others, right? And that, that really would help 00:18:18.990 --> 00:18:23.309 us help our friends help us. Yes, yes. Yeah, 00:18:23.309 --> 00:18:25.410 you're right. You're right. It's about having 00:18:25.410 --> 00:18:29.009 that clear communication. Both sides, both sides. 00:18:29.410 --> 00:18:32.200 Yeah, and communication with yourself too. Like, 00:18:32.259 --> 00:18:35.000 what do I really need here? Do I need somebody 00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:37.480 to tell me to buck up and get back at it? Or 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:39.880 do I need somebody to just hold me and let me 00:18:39.880 --> 00:18:45.539 cry on their shoulder for six days and then take 00:18:45.539 --> 00:18:47.720 me out for ice cream, right? Like, what do I 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:50.980 really need here? And getting to know yourself 00:18:50.980 --> 00:18:54.240 at that depth to really understand it and then 00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:56.640 step into brave communication to be able to ask 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:00.119 for it. Yeah, I found that with My personal experience 00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:02.039 for my personal experience the more honest i 00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:05.279 am with myself the more honest i feel like i 00:19:05.279 --> 00:19:07.619 can show up for other people and be honest with 00:19:07.619 --> 00:19:10.180 them about what i need and how they can best 00:19:10.180 --> 00:19:13.579 support me. Based on your experience on working 00:19:13.579 --> 00:19:16.059 with many clients over the years what advice 00:19:16.059 --> 00:19:18.960 would you give to someone struggling to overcome 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:21.140 rejection and the feelings of shame that come 00:19:21.140 --> 00:19:22.960 with it and i think i've asked you this in our 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:25.680 first meeting and you did say something about 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:28.289 how. the narratives you create in our heads, 00:19:28.569 --> 00:19:30.390 the language you use in our heads to define certain 00:19:30.390 --> 00:19:32.650 things, how that can help shape the trajectory 00:19:32.650 --> 00:19:35.490 of our lives. And for example, you can always 00:19:35.490 --> 00:19:38.150 say to yourself, oh, this is so difficult. This 00:19:38.150 --> 00:19:40.670 is difficult. This is difficult. Like, why do 00:19:40.670 --> 00:19:43.410 you frame it that way in your head? Yeah, sure, 00:19:43.609 --> 00:19:46.609 it can be tough. But at the same time, you can 00:19:46.609 --> 00:19:49.849 reframe it to say to yourself, it's easy. It 00:19:49.849 --> 00:19:54.230 just takes practice and you'll get there. May 00:19:54.230 --> 00:19:56.829 seem hard now, but it'll become easy later. So 00:19:56.829 --> 00:19:59.150 can you just elaborate on that a little bit? 00:19:59.329 --> 00:20:02.430 I may have butchered a little bit of how you 00:20:02.430 --> 00:20:04.289 framed it, but I want to hear your perspective 00:20:04.289 --> 00:20:08.529 on this. Yeah, totally does. I mean, even your 00:20:08.529 --> 00:20:14.910 question itself has the opportunity to shift. 00:20:15.049 --> 00:20:19.329 So the question was, what advice would you give 00:20:19.329 --> 00:20:22.730 to someone struggling to overcome rejection? 00:20:23.860 --> 00:20:26.519 So you pick you're picking up on it now I could 00:20:26.519 --> 00:20:30.799 see by your face so struggling to overcome Okay, 00:20:31.180 --> 00:20:35.119 if you believe that you need to struggle in order 00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:38.779 to overcome rejection Well, then you likely will 00:20:38.779 --> 00:20:42.420 right? Yeah, you likely will struggle and an 00:20:42.420 --> 00:20:46.420 overcoming rejection. I mean, I'm not sure whether 00:20:46.420 --> 00:20:51.839 overcome anything My theory would be that we 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:55.500 integrate so that we can reintegrate the information 00:20:55.500 --> 00:20:58.900 we learn so that we can handle differently in 00:20:58.900 --> 00:21:03.160 a future occurrence, right? So what advice would 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:08.420 I give to someone who is practicing how to integrate 00:21:08.420 --> 00:21:14.640 their rejection story? There's so many, but even 00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:18.900 even just that like watching your language. Yeah, 00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:22.140 one of the quotes that we talked about in our 00:21:22.140 --> 00:21:24.339 first meeting was Henry Ford's quote, whether 00:21:24.339 --> 00:21:27.839 you believe you can or you believe you can't, 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:31.460 you're right. So if you believe that you can 00:21:31.460 --> 00:21:34.859 integrate, practice integrating your rejection 00:21:34.859 --> 00:21:38.160 story, then you can. If you believe that you 00:21:38.160 --> 00:21:40.720 can't and that you will struggle to overcome 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:44.519 your rejection story, then that will be true. 00:21:44.980 --> 00:21:50.970 So watching the language that you use to to define 00:21:50.970 --> 00:21:56.190 your narrative. That's one piece that I would 00:21:56.190 --> 00:22:02.170 say. Another is that if we use a mindfulness 00:22:02.170 --> 00:22:05.289 technique that I call STOP, and I'm not the only 00:22:05.289 --> 00:22:08.470 one who uses this, but it stands for stop, take 00:22:08.470 --> 00:22:10.390 a breath, observe your thoughts and emotions, 00:22:10.490 --> 00:22:16.190 and then proceed. It gives you a moment to reflect 00:22:16.190 --> 00:22:20.549 on those thoughts and emotions, and then again, 00:22:20.869 --> 00:22:25.250 pick a narrative that you want to have around 00:22:25.250 --> 00:22:29.529 moving forward. So do you want to continue to 00:22:29.529 --> 00:22:33.849 be, for lack of a better word, stuck in your 00:22:33.849 --> 00:22:37.170 programming or your program narrative? Or do 00:22:37.170 --> 00:22:41.029 you want to become an intentional author and 00:22:41.029 --> 00:22:44.549 author your own narrative moving forward? Leave 00:22:44.549 --> 00:22:47.170 it up to your programming or do it yourself. 00:22:47.269 --> 00:22:51.299 That is so powerful, because I I heard of that 00:22:51.299 --> 00:22:53.599 concept before, but the way you brought it to 00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:56.599 our first meeting made me really reflect on that 00:22:56.599 --> 00:23:00.799 and think, well, even like achieving success, 00:23:00.839 --> 00:23:02.740 people say, oh, that's hard work. That's hard 00:23:02.740 --> 00:23:05.960 work. I'm sure it is at some points, but what 00:23:05.960 --> 00:23:09.299 if I say to myself, achieving success in my most 00:23:09.299 --> 00:23:12.660 authentic way, and it will be easy. Like what 00:23:12.660 --> 00:23:16.640 happens? What happens if I do that? And yeah, 00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:19.609 I think that's so important. Or it's like, Like 00:23:19.609 --> 00:23:22.430 you said, choosing the language you use, and 00:23:22.430 --> 00:23:26.150 how about we can say, I want to be rich instead 00:23:26.150 --> 00:23:30.289 of I don't want to be poor. Because you're using 00:23:30.289 --> 00:23:32.569 the word rich, rich, rich, and that's the one 00:23:32.569 --> 00:23:36.390 that your brain remembers. For example, I'm just 00:23:36.390 --> 00:23:39.150 throwing out examples here. But if you keep repeating 00:23:39.150 --> 00:23:41.869 to yourself, poor, poor, poor, even if you don't 00:23:41.869 --> 00:23:45.059 want to be but that's kind of You always associate 00:23:45.059 --> 00:23:47.759 or that fear develops of being poor because you 00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:50.900 don't want that. But what a what a fascinating 00:23:50.900 --> 00:23:54.539 concept that our thoughts really do frame the 00:23:54.539 --> 00:23:58.200 trajectory of our life. Scary and exciting at 00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:00.779 the same time. Yeah. Well, do you believe it's 00:24:00.779 --> 00:24:05.359 scary or whether you believe it's exciting? It's 00:24:05.359 --> 00:24:09.019 exciting. It's only exciting. It's yeah. And 00:24:09.019 --> 00:24:11.880 you truly are responsible for your thoughts and. 00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:15.099 what you think, because it all starts from those 00:24:15.099 --> 00:24:17.940 steps. It starts from your thoughts and it goes 00:24:17.940 --> 00:24:20.500 into your life. So you said there that we're 00:24:20.500 --> 00:24:23.819 responsible for our thoughts and I'm not totally 00:24:23.819 --> 00:24:26.019 convinced that that's true. Like I don't even 00:24:26.019 --> 00:24:29.220 know where the origin of thought exists, right? 00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:32.720 Like I don't know whether some great being is 00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:35.519 planting the thoughts in my head. I don't know 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:37.960 whether they're coming from my experience. I 00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:41.039 don't know whether they're coming from some fruit 00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:44.200 that I eat in the morning. I have no idea what 00:24:44.200 --> 00:24:48.819 the origin shot is or are or yeah, I'm not even 00:24:48.819 --> 00:24:53.940 sure. Anyway, but we are, we are responsible 00:24:53.940 --> 00:24:58.420 for our reactions and responses. Because I definitely 00:24:58.420 --> 00:25:00.359 have some thoughts that pop into my head that 00:25:00.359 --> 00:25:03.880 are not ones that I want to want to act on. So 00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:08.109 and I and I know that they show up. And maybe 00:25:08.109 --> 00:25:10.269 it's just that I wouldn't want to take responsibility 00:25:10.269 --> 00:25:13.230 for that. Yes, no, you're definitely right. I 00:25:13.230 --> 00:25:17.230 like that version better. Our reactions and our 00:25:17.230 --> 00:25:21.009 responses to our thoughts are what helped us 00:25:21.009 --> 00:25:23.509 shape trajectory over our lives. Can we leave 00:25:23.509 --> 00:25:28.529 it at that? Is that good? Totally. And you've 00:25:28.529 --> 00:25:31.769 sort of addressed this, but what are some effective 00:25:31.769 --> 00:25:34.670 tools or practices you have found to be effective 00:25:34.670 --> 00:25:37.900 for overcoming Oh, here we go. Let me let me 00:25:37.900 --> 00:25:40.059 do this. I'm going to rephrase the question that 00:25:40.059 --> 00:25:42.839 I wrote. So it sounds language wise, it's a bit 00:25:42.839 --> 00:25:46.000 more optimistic. Practices they have found to 00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:50.920 be effective to redirect yourself from your rejection. 00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:53.980 Is that bad? That's not grammar. But you know, 00:25:54.119 --> 00:25:57.279 either way, I think the message says you previously 00:25:57.279 --> 00:26:00.160 mentioned mindfulness. I think that's very important. 00:26:00.500 --> 00:26:02.440 Can you elaborate on that or mention some other 00:26:02.440 --> 00:26:07.079 techniques? You bet. For me, it's really about 00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:12.339 learning to pick the right cherries. I think 00:26:12.339 --> 00:26:14.880 we talked about the cherry tree, right? That 00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:20.259 if we were to look at a cherry tree and the cherry 00:26:20.259 --> 00:26:22.960 tree will have cherries that are ripe and the 00:26:22.960 --> 00:26:24.740 cherry tree will have cherries that are rotten 00:26:24.740 --> 00:26:28.019 and the cherry tree will have cherries that aren't 00:26:28.019 --> 00:26:31.880 ripe yet. And if we look at each one of those 00:26:31.880 --> 00:26:34.160 as though they're thoughts, we're not going to 00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:36.309 pick the rotten cherries, because we don't want 00:26:36.309 --> 00:26:39.730 to eat them. We're not going to pick the cherries 00:26:39.730 --> 00:26:41.769 that aren't ripe yet, because we want to give 00:26:41.769 --> 00:26:44.250 them a chance to ripen. And if we're picking 00:26:44.250 --> 00:26:47.809 the ripe cherries, which are the thoughts that 00:26:47.809 --> 00:26:52.990 are going to serve us best in supporting, becoming 00:26:52.990 --> 00:26:54.910 the person who we want to become from this day 00:26:54.910 --> 00:26:58.609 forward, then then we're picking the right cherries. 00:26:59.049 --> 00:27:01.170 Let the rotten cherries fall. You don't have 00:27:01.170 --> 00:27:03.130 to pick them. We've all picked rotten cherries. 00:27:03.289 --> 00:27:07.569 all of us have had thoughts that, you know, aren't 00:27:07.569 --> 00:27:09.869 the best thoughts for supporting a future that 00:27:09.869 --> 00:27:12.710 we want. And we've picked cherries that aren't 00:27:12.710 --> 00:27:15.329 ripe yet, and then we end up making mistakes, 00:27:15.349 --> 00:27:17.450 which are really just learning opportunities 00:27:17.450 --> 00:27:20.069 anyway, but we make mistakes. And if we take 00:27:20.069 --> 00:27:22.970 the time to pick cherries that are the right 00:27:22.970 --> 00:27:25.710 ones, and we know that we can consciously do 00:27:25.710 --> 00:27:27.910 that, then we're living more intentionally. So 00:27:27.910 --> 00:27:30.430 our programming might keep us picking rotten 00:27:30.430 --> 00:27:34.190 cherries or might keep us picking Unright cherries. 00:27:34.369 --> 00:27:37.309 But if we can take a second use use the mindfulness 00:27:37.309 --> 00:27:40.329 technique stop so that we can be conscious of 00:27:40.329 --> 00:27:42.450 which cherries are the right cherries for us 00:27:42.450 --> 00:27:46.809 to pick in this moment, then we can then we can 00:27:46.809 --> 00:27:48.730 steer our life in the direction that we want 00:27:48.730 --> 00:27:50.869 it to go rather than just leaving it up to our 00:27:50.869 --> 00:27:55.410 programming for us. And would you recommend because 00:27:55.410 --> 00:27:58.130 I know for me to keep track of my thoughts, it 00:27:58.130 --> 00:28:02.339 helps to do meditations. Journaling is also a 00:28:02.339 --> 00:28:04.559 great way to keep track of your thoughts because 00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:08.059 sometimes you don't really know how certain thoughts 00:28:08.059 --> 00:28:10.799 came about or what triggered that thought. Would 00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:13.819 you agree that those are good techniques to do 00:28:13.819 --> 00:28:17.099 or practices? Or would you have something to 00:28:17.099 --> 00:28:18.799 add? Because there might be people who are like, 00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:20.599 I don't know how to stop picking rotten cherries. 00:28:20.740 --> 00:28:22.859 I don't know how to do that. Like, where can 00:28:22.859 --> 00:28:26.299 they start? I think that it all comes back down 00:28:26.299 --> 00:28:30.839 to deepening awareness. And there are endless 00:28:30.839 --> 00:28:34.680 classes for deepening awareness. So meditation 00:28:34.680 --> 00:28:38.319 is one, as long as you don't spend three quarters 00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:40.099 of the time beating yourself up for not getting 00:28:40.099 --> 00:28:43.779 meditation right. Which is also a common practice. 00:28:44.279 --> 00:28:47.140 The stop practice that I mentioned, implementing 00:28:47.140 --> 00:28:49.920 that, like pick something you do 20 times a day. 00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:51.720 And that might be walking through a doorway, 00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:55.700 going up and down stairs. at or a dog, changing 00:28:55.700 --> 00:28:57.420 gears on a bike, getting in and out of a car, 00:28:57.599 --> 00:29:00.480 anything you do 20 times a day and in that moment 00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:04.039 just practice, stop, stop, take a breath, observe 00:29:04.039 --> 00:29:06.960 your thoughts and emotions and then proceed and 00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:09.660 that'll help deepen your awareness. So, if you 00:29:09.660 --> 00:29:12.099 need it in a specific situation, you've been 00:29:12.099 --> 00:29:15.440 practicing it so frequently that it'll show up 00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:18.980 for you. Not every time but practice makes improvement. 00:29:20.259 --> 00:29:23.099 Journaling is another great option. Depending 00:29:23.099 --> 00:29:24.960 on what you're journaling about if you're journaling 00:29:24.960 --> 00:29:27.140 about what you did with your day, then maybe 00:29:27.140 --> 00:29:30.599 less so that what thoughts did I have today? 00:29:30.819 --> 00:29:32.880 How did those thoughts affect me with my day? 00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:35.059 Was there anything that I would do differently? 00:29:35.380 --> 00:29:39.019 I know some people who do a climb in bed review. 00:29:39.119 --> 00:29:40.799 So the first thing they do when they climb in 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:44.220 the bed and close their eyes is they start from 00:29:44.220 --> 00:29:46.460 the moment they woke up and they review their 00:29:46.460 --> 00:29:49.940 entire day with as much detail as they possibly 00:29:49.940 --> 00:29:53.259 can. It's a great memory exercise as well, but 00:29:53.259 --> 00:29:56.740 it also creates greater awareness of what you 00:29:56.740 --> 00:29:58.759 did and what you were doing and what you were 00:29:58.759 --> 00:30:00.759 thinking when all of those things were happening. 00:30:01.299 --> 00:30:03.819 Some people will do that and then they'll ask 00:30:03.819 --> 00:30:06.279 themselves, what could I have done differently 00:30:06.279 --> 00:30:08.420 or what would I have done differently today? 00:30:09.039 --> 00:30:11.460 One of the things that we do in our household 00:30:11.460 --> 00:30:16.720 is we play Happy Crappy, which is like a version 00:30:16.720 --> 00:30:20.880 of Rose's Thorn's Bud. but basically we talk 00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:22.660 about something that was happy from our day and 00:30:22.660 --> 00:30:24.799 something that was crappy from our day and then 00:30:24.799 --> 00:30:29.099 we ask for consent to share and if consent is 00:30:29.099 --> 00:30:33.519 given then we can support the people with their 00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:36.299 crappies and what they can learn from the crappies 00:30:36.299 --> 00:30:38.940 that they've experienced. But again, it's just 00:30:38.940 --> 00:30:43.099 to bring people into greater awareness. Another 00:30:43.099 --> 00:30:46.500 practice is just square breathing. So breathe 00:30:46.500 --> 00:30:50.490 in for four, hold for four, Read out for four, 00:30:50.910 --> 00:30:54.549 hold for four, read in for four, hold for four, 00:30:54.670 --> 00:30:57.650 read out for four, hold for four. And that just 00:30:57.650 --> 00:31:00.710 gives you a second. This is basically, again, 00:31:00.950 --> 00:31:04.470 stop and then do some reflecting during that 00:31:04.470 --> 00:31:08.910 time. You might even be able to play some games. 00:31:09.329 --> 00:31:13.769 Pick your person and have a game that's like, 00:31:15.329 --> 00:31:18.460 how was your day? Great. How was your day? Great. 00:31:18.680 --> 00:31:22.059 Okay, let's get into it now. What worked really 00:31:22.059 --> 00:31:24.799 well for you today? And what would you do differently 00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.140 today? And it's again, just an opportunity to 00:31:28.140 --> 00:31:31.059 dive deeper into awareness. I know that people 00:31:31.059 --> 00:31:36.059 really like the gamify things. So yes, it's fun. 00:31:37.299 --> 00:31:39.700 It's your learning and you're having fun and 00:31:39.700 --> 00:31:42.339 you're playing and I think it's a it's a win 00:31:42.339 --> 00:31:47.410 win for everyone for everything. Yeah. Um, so 00:31:47.410 --> 00:31:50.930 I'm gonna shift gears a little bit, but not really, 00:31:51.269 --> 00:31:54.690 by moving on to the next question. So in your 00:31:54.690 --> 00:31:57.710 work, you, you help clients shift their mindset 00:31:57.710 --> 00:32:00.450 towards a more optimistic future. And you said 00:32:00.450 --> 00:32:04.349 using choice and connection as the tools, tools 00:32:04.349 --> 00:32:07.470 and thought, can you elaborate what you mean 00:32:07.470 --> 00:32:10.390 by choice and connection? And how can we use 00:32:10.390 --> 00:32:13.150 choice and connection to redirect ourselves from 00:32:13.150 --> 00:32:18.319 our rejection and other lives? potential situations. 00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:24.259 Here we go. You're doing really well with that. 00:32:24.259 --> 00:32:27.859 Thank you. Picking words that... This is my practice 00:32:27.859 --> 00:32:30.259 for me. Yeah, it's brilliant. This is another 00:32:30.259 --> 00:32:34.220 way to do it. Create a script, review it, and 00:32:34.220 --> 00:32:39.579 see how you can adapt it to what more we want 00:32:39.579 --> 00:32:41.849 to be in the future. It's not... necessarily 00:32:41.849 --> 00:32:44.609 towards more optimistic. If you want to be more 00:32:44.609 --> 00:32:46.990 optimistic, then great. But I have the sense 00:32:46.990 --> 00:32:49.910 like, most people I know and that I've met have 00:32:49.910 --> 00:32:52.809 no trouble beating themselves up in some way. 00:32:53.470 --> 00:32:56.450 Like, the common thread is that there's an inadequacy 00:32:56.450 --> 00:33:01.150 story amongst people who I get to work with and 00:33:01.150 --> 00:33:06.849 the inner critics can be at varying levels of 00:33:06.849 --> 00:33:12.579 audibility but it's always there. right? So the 00:33:12.579 --> 00:33:15.859 idea is that when you start using words like 00:33:15.859 --> 00:33:19.400 I get to rather than I have to or when you use 00:33:19.400 --> 00:33:23.180 words on like opportunities rather than setbacks 00:33:23.180 --> 00:33:28.019 or challenges rather than problems, right? Then 00:33:28.019 --> 00:33:32.319 you start to overwrite the inner critic or at 00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:34.880 least another voice in your head, one of your 00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:40.269 other voices is louder. And we're all stronger 00:33:40.269 --> 00:33:45.269 when the critic isn't winning. So choice and 00:33:45.269 --> 00:33:47.990 connection. So let's start with connection. Connection, 00:33:48.490 --> 00:33:52.869 I think, is the foundation of safety. And if 00:33:52.869 --> 00:33:58.569 we feel safe, if we feel really, really, really 00:33:58.569 --> 00:34:02.849 safe, then we can go anywhere with anybody, right? 00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:06.440 And so that's the idea is to build an incredibly 00:34:06.440 --> 00:34:12.219 safe container where people will have no possibility 00:34:12.219 --> 00:34:20.380 of a sense of rejection for me. Like the, I guess 00:34:20.380 --> 00:34:22.420 the word is judgment, although judgment can be 00:34:22.420 --> 00:34:25.199 used in both a positive and negative way, but 00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:28.320 people generally feel some sense of being judged 00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:32.289 by themselves or by others. And I, for the most 00:34:32.289 --> 00:34:34.530 part, pull that out of my practice completely 00:34:34.530 --> 00:34:37.809 unless my judgment is going to help somebody 00:34:37.809 --> 00:34:40.969 have a break and then I'll surprise them by bringing 00:34:40.969 --> 00:34:44.610 it in because most of the time it's not there. 00:34:45.389 --> 00:34:50.630 And that's Rogerian psychology. His theory was 00:34:50.630 --> 00:34:54.090 one of unconditional positive regard. So, if 00:34:54.090 --> 00:34:57.030 somebody is regarded positively by the person, 00:34:57.210 --> 00:35:01.789 again, finally they feel safe enough to reveal 00:35:01.789 --> 00:35:04.989 to themselves what's really going on. And that, 00:35:05.230 --> 00:35:08.769 I believe, is in connection. So connection is 00:35:08.769 --> 00:35:13.750 my number one tool. My number two tool is choice. 00:35:14.050 --> 00:35:18.530 And this is recognizing how we can separate our 00:35:18.530 --> 00:35:22.530 programming, shift around a few zeros and ones 00:35:22.530 --> 00:35:25.230 so that we can intentionally write our new program. 00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:27.960 And I'll explain this through a model that I 00:35:27.960 --> 00:35:30.800 believe we chatted about a little bit the last 00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:32.719 time. It's a model that I created called the 00:35:32.719 --> 00:35:35.199 circle of choice. And bear with me here, it's 00:35:35.199 --> 00:35:38.000 a little bit easier when you can draw it in front 00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:42.579 of you, but picture a circle with a dot in the 00:35:42.579 --> 00:35:46.019 middle. And that dot in the middle is absolutely 00:35:46.019 --> 00:35:48.480 anything that could ever happen to you. And now 00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:50.320 I'm going to put you standing on the top of the 00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:51.920 circle and I'm going to put me standing on the 00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:55.590 bottom of the circle. And we're gonna call that 00:35:55.590 --> 00:35:58.369 dot in the middle of the circle the birth of 00:35:58.369 --> 00:36:03.210 our first child. And you're thinking, wow, this 00:36:03.210 --> 00:36:06.170 is amazing. This is gonna bring Dave and I closer 00:36:06.170 --> 00:36:10.469 together. I get to fulfill my biological purpose. 00:36:11.150 --> 00:36:15.730 I get privilege of raising another person and 00:36:15.730 --> 00:36:17.889 guiding them through the human experience. I 00:36:17.889 --> 00:36:20.610 get to feel the love and connection that can 00:36:20.610 --> 00:36:24.530 exist when I stare. into another human's eyes 00:36:24.530 --> 00:36:27.730 when they've literally come out of my body. And 00:36:27.730 --> 00:36:31.210 I'm thinking, holy shit, holy shit, how did this 00:36:31.210 --> 00:36:33.789 happen? I swore we used protection. How am I 00:36:33.789 --> 00:36:35.630 going to be able to communicate with her now? 00:36:35.710 --> 00:36:38.230 I had a terrible father. I've never changed a 00:36:38.230 --> 00:36:40.610 diaper. I can't even make enough money to support 00:36:40.610 --> 00:36:43.190 myself, let alone this other human. Now, which 00:36:43.190 --> 00:36:46.590 of those two stories is true? I hope not the 00:36:46.590 --> 00:36:49.289 second one, but I hope I want to keep the first 00:36:49.289 --> 00:36:52.880 one. That's the more... One I want to pick. I'm 00:36:52.880 --> 00:36:54.420 glad that I put you at the top of the circle 00:36:54.420 --> 00:36:58.019 because that story is your truth. And the other 00:36:58.019 --> 00:37:01.679 story is my truth, right? And the reason that 00:37:01.679 --> 00:37:04.860 my truth differs in this situation from yours 00:37:04.860 --> 00:37:08.440 is because of my past. So on the outside of the 00:37:08.440 --> 00:37:10.739 circle, we would draw this beautiful hiking trail 00:37:10.739 --> 00:37:13.840 that leads up to my feet, and a separate beautiful 00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:16.380 hiking trail that leads up to your feet. And 00:37:16.380 --> 00:37:18.719 those trails most people would call their past, 00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:22.480 but I call it our programming. My programming 00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:26.639 has trained me to see the birth of my first child 00:37:26.639 --> 00:37:29.519 through a lens of panic. And your programming 00:37:29.519 --> 00:37:32.340 has taught you to see the birth of your first 00:37:32.340 --> 00:37:35.559 child through a lens of elation. And that all 00:37:35.559 --> 00:37:38.179 happens automatic. But we want to move away from 00:37:38.179 --> 00:37:40.539 automated thinking. We want to become the authors 00:37:40.539 --> 00:37:42.659 of our narrative rather than letting our programming 00:37:42.659 --> 00:37:46.000 continue to offer our narrative for us. So using 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:48.239 this mindfulness technique, stop, stop, take 00:37:48.239 --> 00:37:49.800 a breath, observe your thoughts and emotions. 00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:52.300 In order to do that, I'm going to pull myself 00:37:52.300 --> 00:37:54.500 off of a circle. So I have a bird's eye view 00:37:54.500 --> 00:37:57.059 of this circle now. And in observation of my 00:37:57.059 --> 00:38:00.760 thoughts and emotions, my emotion is fear. And 00:38:00.760 --> 00:38:02.480 my thoughts were the ones that I mentioned, like 00:38:02.480 --> 00:38:04.400 I've never changed a diaper. But if I'm going 00:38:04.400 --> 00:38:07.440 to take a second with those and be intentional 00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:09.619 about them, then I might think, okay, yeah, so 00:38:09.619 --> 00:38:12.780 I've never changed a diaper, but there's 8 billion 00:38:12.780 --> 00:38:15.260 people on the planet. how hard could that be? 00:38:15.380 --> 00:38:17.039 And yeah, but then again, I have had struggled 00:38:17.039 --> 00:38:19.260 communicating, but we've never had something 00:38:19.260 --> 00:38:21.659 like this unite us before. And I've struggled 00:38:21.659 --> 00:38:23.800 to hold a job make enough money for myself, but 00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:25.880 I've never been financially responsible to another 00:38:25.880 --> 00:38:28.000 keep being maybe that's the chicken, but I need 00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:30.800 to actually make the money that I need. And yeah, 00:38:30.900 --> 00:38:33.619 my dad was a terrible dad, but maybe that was 00:38:33.619 --> 00:38:36.619 the foundation foundation I needed to be a better 00:38:36.619 --> 00:38:39.199 dad, or maybe even a good one. So I'm not going 00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:42.340 to put myself back on the circle. where Valeri 00:38:42.340 --> 00:38:44.539 is because I think in this situation, he's quite 00:38:44.539 --> 00:38:46.980 naive. But I'm not going to keep myself in the 00:38:46.980 --> 00:38:49.139 fear spot anymore. I'm going to put myself back 00:38:49.139 --> 00:38:52.880 on the circle in cautiously optimistic. You remember 00:38:52.880 --> 00:38:57.300 how many degrees are in a circle? 360 360 degrees. 00:38:57.300 --> 00:39:01.880 So we have 360 choices of how to see absolutely 00:39:01.880 --> 00:39:05.059 anything that ever happens to us ever. Our programming 00:39:05.059 --> 00:39:08.619 is going to pick one, but that leaves 359 other 00:39:08.619 --> 00:39:11.710 options for us to intentionally choose. in order 00:39:11.710 --> 00:39:15.110 for us to be the person who we want to be from 00:39:15.110 --> 00:39:17.610 this day forward rather than remaining as the 00:39:17.610 --> 00:39:20.590 person that we've been all along. We can choose 00:39:20.590 --> 00:39:22.489 to remain that person if we want to, but now 00:39:22.489 --> 00:39:25.150 we're doing it intentionally rather than having 00:39:25.150 --> 00:39:28.650 our programming do it for us. So when we're rejected, 00:39:29.010 --> 00:39:31.570 that's the dot in the center. Your perspective 00:39:31.570 --> 00:39:35.309 is, oh no, I really wanted to be a doctor. And 00:39:35.309 --> 00:39:37.449 on the other side of the circle, I might be, 00:39:37.869 --> 00:39:40.250 oh, yes, I didn't want Valeria to become a doctor 00:39:40.250 --> 00:39:42.230 because I'm going to lose her for the next decade. 00:39:42.409 --> 00:39:44.929 And both of those stories are true. They're just 00:39:44.929 --> 00:39:47.489 true to the other people, right? But the idea 00:39:47.489 --> 00:39:51.469 of, oh, no, I wanted to become a doctor is just 00:39:51.469 --> 00:39:55.929 one of your 360 choices. You have 359 others. 00:39:56.909 --> 00:39:59.570 And knowing that you've got that capacity and 00:39:59.570 --> 00:40:02.349 that power and now that knowledge and that tool, 00:40:02.730 --> 00:40:06.860 you get to pick. That's really powerful. Thank 00:40:06.860 --> 00:40:10.219 you. I don't even have anything else to add to 00:40:10.219 --> 00:40:14.179 this. I'm just absorbing as you're speaking. 00:40:14.380 --> 00:40:18.079 So I'll just let that sit at that. And thank 00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:19.980 you. Thank you for putting me in this situation 00:40:19.980 --> 00:40:23.920 because it makes me actually be more absorbed 00:40:23.920 --> 00:40:28.320 into the lesson that you're trying to or the 00:40:28.320 --> 00:40:31.159 idea that you're trying to portray. And yeah, 00:40:31.159 --> 00:40:34.599 so that was very beneficial. I'm so glad. Thanks 00:40:34.599 --> 00:40:38.119 for listening. Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna move 00:40:38.119 --> 00:40:41.539 on to the next question. But you worked with 00:40:41.539 --> 00:40:45.239 many people over the years, who can feel all 00:40:45.239 --> 00:40:50.079 sorts of ways when they've experienced rejection. 00:40:51.260 --> 00:40:55.039 And without revealing their identities, if maybe 00:40:55.039 --> 00:40:57.679 you could share a story of someone or several 00:40:57.679 --> 00:41:00.340 people, their stories of how they actually if 00:41:00.340 --> 00:41:02.739 they've initially felt not so good about it, 00:41:02.739 --> 00:41:05.190 if they've really beat themselves up about it. 00:41:05.210 --> 00:41:09.730 How did they change that narrative to the one 00:41:09.730 --> 00:41:13.489 that better served their future? And what can 00:41:13.489 --> 00:41:15.929 we learn from those people? Yeah, great. Well, 00:41:15.929 --> 00:41:19.610 let me start off with saying that most of the 00:41:19.610 --> 00:41:22.829 people who I get to work with struggle in their 00:41:22.829 --> 00:41:26.389 relationships in some form. It's not always easy 00:41:26.389 --> 00:41:29.710 to be partners, particularly when we haven't 00:41:29.710 --> 00:41:32.530 been super well trained in communication, like 00:41:32.530 --> 00:41:37.329 I mentioned. So people, when they get into some 00:41:37.329 --> 00:41:40.010 sort of disagreement with their partner, ultimately, 00:41:40.010 --> 00:41:44.289 there's a form of or a sense of rejection that's 00:41:44.289 --> 00:41:48.889 existing in that moment in that argument. And 00:41:48.889 --> 00:41:54.070 I'm picking this one, because it's so common. 00:41:54.170 --> 00:41:56.570 And I think that it would be valuable for your 00:41:56.570 --> 00:42:00.070 listeners. A tool that I offer there is a bow. 00:42:01.329 --> 00:42:04.550 and you just take the bow, this imaginary bow 00:42:04.550 --> 00:42:07.130 and you place it on your partner's forehead when 00:42:07.130 --> 00:42:10.210 they're coming at you with their anger. Because 00:42:10.210 --> 00:42:13.329 if in that moment you can see all of the gifts 00:42:13.329 --> 00:42:16.150 in it, right? Gifts come wrapped in a bow and 00:42:16.150 --> 00:42:18.710 the best gifts that we get in life don't come 00:42:18.710 --> 00:42:20.849 wrapped in a bow. They're usually the toughest, 00:42:21.230 --> 00:42:25.670 right? So if we can put a bow on it, we're empowering 00:42:25.670 --> 00:42:29.340 ourselves the shift out of our automated way 00:42:29.340 --> 00:42:31.960 of thinking, which is generally some form of 00:42:31.960 --> 00:42:34.800 defense. And we're recognizing that this other 00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:38.039 person is needing us right in that moment, right? 00:42:38.199 --> 00:42:41.320 One of the gifts is that your partner is in distress 00:42:41.320 --> 00:42:43.820 right now. How can you show up for them? That 00:42:43.820 --> 00:42:46.880 doesn't mean you become a doormat. But it does 00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:51.980 mean that you shift your orbit, and you move 00:42:51.980 --> 00:42:53.860 it to something that's more intentional. So instead 00:42:53.860 --> 00:42:57.699 of moving into the habituated defense that you 00:42:57.699 --> 00:43:02.159 would do, now you're disrupting the pattern and 00:43:02.159 --> 00:43:05.340 moving more towards something that might represent 00:43:05.340 --> 00:43:07.099 who you want to be, which is somebody who shows 00:43:07.099 --> 00:43:09.960 up for their partner. A side benefit of that 00:43:09.960 --> 00:43:12.840 is that it usually pulls all of the anger out 00:43:12.840 --> 00:43:14.780 of it because the person is feeling supported, 00:43:15.340 --> 00:43:18.739 not every time, but it has that capacity, which 00:43:18.739 --> 00:43:21.840 also disrupts the pattern, and it's modeling 00:43:22.269 --> 00:43:25.170 maybe how you'd prefer to be treated if you're 00:43:25.170 --> 00:43:30.449 losing your shit yourself. Right? So, it's shifting 00:43:30.449 --> 00:43:35.190 away from the habituated way of thinking about 00:43:35.190 --> 00:43:38.110 rejection or needing to defend yourself from 00:43:38.110 --> 00:43:42.250 this aggression or anger and moving more towards 00:43:42.250 --> 00:43:46.670 what is actually going on here and how can I 00:43:46.670 --> 00:43:50.289 move toward my ultimate goal, which is probably 00:43:50.289 --> 00:43:54.130 not fighting. Right and this reminds me of a 00:43:54.130 --> 00:43:57.070 moment from a movie I saw and I think there was 00:43:57.070 --> 00:44:01.090 the scene and I think it's I don't remember the 00:44:01.090 --> 00:44:03.670 movie but the line was said by Morgan Freeman 00:44:03.670 --> 00:44:06.590 and I think He was playing God in that movie. 00:44:06.610 --> 00:44:08.769 I think it's about something about Noah's Ark 00:44:08.769 --> 00:44:12.670 and he was saying something like when you When 00:44:12.670 --> 00:44:16.010 you want to be kind do you just become kind? 00:44:16.190 --> 00:44:19.760 Well, you get an opportunity to be kind so When 00:44:19.760 --> 00:44:22.019 you want to be more supportive to your partner, 00:44:22.179 --> 00:44:24.159 don't just bam, become suddenly more supportive. 00:44:24.260 --> 00:44:26.519 You get an opportunity for that. So you see that, 00:44:26.519 --> 00:44:29.400 like you said, they're angry. Like imagine the 00:44:29.400 --> 00:44:31.699 bow, like that's a present. That's an opportunity 00:44:31.699 --> 00:44:35.199 for you to show up the way you want to show up. 00:44:35.659 --> 00:44:37.639 And then if you want to be strong, sometimes 00:44:37.639 --> 00:44:40.780 life gives you situations where you'll become 00:44:40.780 --> 00:44:44.320 strong. And that analogy, that's how it reminded 00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:47.420 me of. Yeah, it's a beautiful scene with Morgan 00:44:47.420 --> 00:44:49.960 Freeman, which is exactly that. Like, if you 00:44:49.960 --> 00:44:54.260 want to become more patient, God will deliver 00:44:54.260 --> 00:44:57.280 lots of opportunities to exercise your patience 00:44:57.280 --> 00:45:03.780 by training you how to be patient. And I want 00:45:03.780 --> 00:45:06.639 to like, again, just caution, the idea is not 00:45:06.639 --> 00:45:09.300 to set you up to get walked all over, right? 00:45:09.300 --> 00:45:12.360 The idea is actually one of empowerment, where 00:45:12.360 --> 00:45:14.579 you're becoming in charge of your narrative. 00:45:14.800 --> 00:45:18.659 rather than your programming just, again, pushing 00:45:18.659 --> 00:45:23.380 you into defensiveness. Yeah, yeah, well said. 00:45:24.739 --> 00:45:27.940 Wow, there's just so much that was said and the 00:45:27.940 --> 00:45:30.400 wheels in my head are turning and just thinking 00:45:30.400 --> 00:45:34.199 and coming up with new things and new ideas and 00:45:34.199 --> 00:45:38.000 thoughts that would better serve me and just 00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:41.760 I got so much out of our conversation and We 00:45:41.760 --> 00:45:44.679 are soon coming to the end of this episode. Do 00:45:44.679 --> 00:45:48.119 you have any last thoughts or main takeaways 00:45:48.119 --> 00:45:52.840 you have for anyone who's listening in? I love 00:45:52.840 --> 00:45:56.880 that. And as a coach, it's a technique to when 00:45:56.880 --> 00:46:00.280 somebody asks you a question, to actually reflect 00:46:00.280 --> 00:46:03.480 that question back to them. I'm actually going 00:46:03.480 --> 00:46:07.139 to throw it back to you. What are your main takeaways 00:46:07.139 --> 00:46:11.750 from this conversation? Well, For me, I really 00:46:11.750 --> 00:46:14.550 like the idea of how our reactions and responses 00:46:14.550 --> 00:46:18.929 to our thoughts frame our life pretty much. I 00:46:18.929 --> 00:46:22.230 find that so much goes from there and having 00:46:22.230 --> 00:46:25.309 that awareness of your thoughts and having that 00:46:25.309 --> 00:46:27.409 awareness of how you respond to those thoughts 00:46:27.409 --> 00:46:29.789 and not being too hard on yourself when those 00:46:29.789 --> 00:46:32.610 thoughts are not the best. You can either pay 00:46:32.610 --> 00:46:35.909 attention to that thought or replace it with 00:46:35.909 --> 00:46:38.960 another one that makes you feel better or when 00:46:38.960 --> 00:46:42.059 negative thoughts just keep coming for some reason, 00:46:42.219 --> 00:46:44.960 don't pay attention to them. It's always your 00:46:44.960 --> 00:46:48.039 choice. You have whatever situation you are in, 00:46:48.440 --> 00:46:52.059 no matter how it may seem, you always have a 00:46:52.059 --> 00:46:55.619 choice. And I think that's very empowering. And 00:46:55.619 --> 00:47:00.119 I would love to leave that message almost because 00:47:00.119 --> 00:47:03.539 we have the power in what decisions we make, 00:47:03.599 --> 00:47:06.179 what choices we make. And I think that's very 00:47:06.179 --> 00:47:09.570 important for people to understand and to know. 00:47:10.429 --> 00:47:14.010 Thanks for that. And you helped remind me of 00:47:14.010 --> 00:47:19.010 an image that that also helps me with thought 00:47:19.010 --> 00:47:23.309 analysis. And that would be like, it's almost 00:47:23.309 --> 00:47:27.070 like you're standing in a river. And thoughts 00:47:27.070 --> 00:47:30.929 are in well, like they are the water and thoughts 00:47:30.929 --> 00:47:34.010 will just keep on flowing, unless you get in 00:47:34.010 --> 00:47:37.980 their way. So if a thought that you would label 00:47:37.980 --> 00:47:42.179 as negative is slowing, it will just keep on 00:47:42.179 --> 00:47:44.960 flowing all the way through you unless you put 00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:47.800 up some sort of barrier where it then gets caught 00:47:47.800 --> 00:47:50.800 on you and sticks with you for as long as it 00:47:50.800 --> 00:47:54.079 sticks with you. So, we have this opportunity 00:47:54.079 --> 00:47:57.059 because I don't want us to like ignore the thoughts, 00:47:57.619 --> 00:48:00.849 I want us to see the thoughts. but then not give 00:48:00.849 --> 00:48:03.969 those thoughts any more value than what we would 00:48:03.969 --> 00:48:07.570 want to give to those thoughts, right? These 00:48:07.570 --> 00:48:09.829 thoughts are part of who we are. They're coming 00:48:09.829 --> 00:48:15.349 up as a part of our human experience. But how 00:48:15.349 --> 00:48:18.170 much do we want to invest in them? How much energy, 00:48:18.190 --> 00:48:21.590 effort, time do you want to invest into these 00:48:21.590 --> 00:48:23.469 particular thoughts or do you want to just keep 00:48:23.469 --> 00:48:26.909 on flowing? Here you are. Okay, bye -bye. Oh, 00:48:26.909 --> 00:48:28.590 here's another one. Nope, don't like that one 00:48:28.590 --> 00:48:31.500 either. keep on going. Oh, yes, there's one. 00:48:31.599 --> 00:48:33.840 Oh, I like that one. Maybe I'll hold on for that 00:48:33.840 --> 00:48:35.519 for a while. Here, I'll put it in my pocket. 00:48:35.739 --> 00:48:37.679 Oh, there's another one I don't like. Just let 00:48:37.679 --> 00:48:41.960 it keep on going, right? And that's one of the 00:48:41.960 --> 00:48:44.500 ways that people have a tendency to meditate 00:48:44.500 --> 00:48:47.960 is just this allowing the passage of thoughts 00:48:47.960 --> 00:48:50.659 to just keep on flowing through without judgment 00:48:50.659 --> 00:48:54.780 and without blocking them so that you end up 00:48:54.780 --> 00:48:57.659 holding on for longer than you may want to or 00:48:57.659 --> 00:49:04.739 need to. Before I forget, could you please share 00:49:04.739 --> 00:49:07.780 the special offer you have for the listeners 00:49:07.780 --> 00:49:11.099 of this cast that you generously offer? Oh yeah, 00:49:11.179 --> 00:49:15.179 absolutely. Anybody who would like an introduction 00:49:15.179 --> 00:49:16.960 to coaching, maybe they haven't had any coaching 00:49:16.960 --> 00:49:20.179 before, or even if they'd just like to see what 00:49:20.179 --> 00:49:23.619 coaching with me would feel like for them, I 00:49:23.619 --> 00:49:28.329 would be happy to gift you a mindy minute. coaching 00:49:28.329 --> 00:49:34.849 session to see whether we can help you be as 00:49:34.849 --> 00:49:38.190 intentional as you can be with your thought investment 00:49:38.190 --> 00:49:40.869 moving forward, or whether I might be a good 00:49:40.869 --> 00:49:45.050 match as a coach. So I'd be happy to, to gift 00:49:45.050 --> 00:49:48.369 you a 90 minute coaching session. Thank you for 00:49:48.369 --> 00:49:52.230 that. Yeah, I mean, sometimes I want to get a 00:49:52.230 --> 00:49:55.309 coach I'm just I'm waiting for the moment. I 00:49:55.309 --> 00:49:57.710 don't know what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting 00:49:57.710 --> 00:50:00.590 for it. And yeah, coaches having coaches, I think 00:50:00.590 --> 00:50:03.809 it's like having actually don't quote me on this. 00:50:03.969 --> 00:50:06.070 Maybe I'm wrong. But like having like having 00:50:06.070 --> 00:50:07.809 coach having a therapist having someone with 00:50:07.809 --> 00:50:12.989 an expert lens can hear your story and listen 00:50:12.989 --> 00:50:17.110 to you and Perhaps provide some guidance like 00:50:17.110 --> 00:50:19.090 you provided to me when you said, why should 00:50:19.090 --> 00:50:22.210 I label rejection as difficult? You know, it's 00:50:22.210 --> 00:50:24.909 maybe maybe it's easier than I think it is. It's 00:50:24.909 --> 00:50:27.590 all about how I frame it and what I believe it 00:50:27.590 --> 00:50:32.510 to be. So yeah. Yeah. And where can people connect 00:50:32.510 --> 00:50:34.409 with you and learn more about your work, including 00:50:34.409 --> 00:50:36.869 your upcoming book, Love Your Father, Heal the 00:50:36.869 --> 00:50:39.190 World. And I just want to hear what what is the 00:50:39.190 --> 00:50:41.949 book about? And then you can address where can 00:50:41.949 --> 00:50:44.389 people connect with you? Okay, yeah. The book 00:50:44.389 --> 00:50:47.230 is currently about the journey that I took, the 00:50:47.230 --> 00:50:49.769 14 -year journey I took with caring for my father, 00:50:51.110 --> 00:50:53.929 the troubled relationship we had before and the 00:50:53.929 --> 00:50:57.929 love that we were able to find in the care relationship 00:50:57.929 --> 00:51:01.969 and how that really, how both of us yield to 00:51:01.969 --> 00:51:04.269 the point where we felt really solid in who we 00:51:04.269 --> 00:51:09.670 were. And from that secure foundation, how much 00:51:09.670 --> 00:51:12.150 personal development work I was able to do because 00:51:12.150 --> 00:51:15.829 I felt so secure in myself as a result of the 00:51:15.829 --> 00:51:19.809 love in our relationship. That's beautiful. That 00:51:19.809 --> 00:51:23.650 event stroke, which is in itself not very nice 00:51:23.650 --> 00:51:27.670 event, to put it in the least, but the fact that 00:51:27.670 --> 00:51:30.369 it led you to become more bonded with each other 00:51:30.369 --> 00:51:33.489 and I would love to read that. Thank you. Yeah, 00:51:33.849 --> 00:51:37.409 the chapter one chapter is called stroke and 00:51:37.409 --> 00:51:42.070 then in parentheses it says of luck because ultimately 00:51:42.070 --> 00:51:47.869 this really traumatic experience led us both 00:51:47.869 --> 00:51:50.750 back to love. Yeah, people can find me on my 00:51:50.750 --> 00:51:53.769 website, DaveRobbins .com. People can find me 00:51:53.769 --> 00:51:59.429 on Instagram, Dave Robbins. Might be Dave Robbins 00:51:59.429 --> 00:52:03.960 coaching. I think it's Dave Robbins. I'm on Facebook 00:52:03.960 --> 00:52:07.280 as Dave Robbins as well, and LinkedIn as Dave 00:52:07.280 --> 00:52:11.079 Robbins. I'm sure that there will be notes. Yes, 00:52:11.079 --> 00:52:14.300 and you can just reach out to me, Dave at DaveRobbins 00:52:14.300 --> 00:52:17.019 .com. I'd love to hear from you. Great. Okay. 00:52:17.480 --> 00:52:20.000 Well, thank you so much, Dave, for joining me 00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:23.119 on this podcast and this episode. It's been an 00:52:23.119 --> 00:52:26.360 absolute privilege to hear your insights and 00:52:26.360 --> 00:52:30.230 learn about your journey as both. occupational 00:52:30.230 --> 00:52:33.030 therapist as a son who cared for his dad and 00:52:33.030 --> 00:52:35.929 a transformational coach. For many people, it 00:52:35.929 --> 00:52:39.949 is very easy to feel like, and I was myself one 00:52:39.949 --> 00:52:42.230 of those people, to feel trapped by rejection 00:52:42.230 --> 00:52:45.570 and let it define their paths. But as you have 00:52:45.570 --> 00:52:48.409 kindly shared, rejection is not the end. It is 00:52:48.409 --> 00:52:51.130 a redirection. It is a chance to reflect, grow. 00:52:51.349 --> 00:52:53.710 We can use it to redirect ourselves to something 00:52:53.710 --> 00:52:56.050 even greater that we could have ever imagined 00:52:56.050 --> 00:52:59.480 for our paths. And Dave has provided invaluable 00:52:59.480 --> 00:53:03.159 tools for navigating life's setbacks with resilience 00:53:03.159 --> 00:53:05.579 and mindfulness, emphasizing the importance of 00:53:05.579 --> 00:53:07.760 reframing rejection as an opportunity and paying 00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:09.800 attention to the narratives we create in our 00:53:09.800 --> 00:53:12.099 minds. Listeners, I would love to hear your thoughts 00:53:12.099 --> 00:53:14.159 on this episode. I would love to learn what resonated 00:53:14.159 --> 00:53:16.400 with you the most. Feel free to DM me on social 00:53:16.400 --> 00:53:18.400 media or suggest topics for future episodes. 00:53:18.590 --> 00:53:20.929 And if you'd like to support the podcast and 00:53:20.929 --> 00:53:23.429 the content I create, you can also donate at 00:53:23.429 --> 00:53:26.150 buymeacoffee .com slash Valeria Rusnak. The link 00:53:26.150 --> 00:53:28.329 for that will be in the show notes too. This 00:53:28.329 --> 00:53:31.030 has been Valeria Rusnak, the host of the Rejected 00:53:31.030 --> 00:53:33.309 Pre -Med Podcast. I thank you all for listening.