1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,300
A crisp photograph of Edith and Michael Leblanc as we discuss life and philosophy and bisexual

2
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,300
coffee.

3
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,300
Yes, yes.

4
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:14,080
Mademoiselle, but before we do, I have a question for you.

5
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:18,040
I need to know if you can finish this phrase, okay?

6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,320
I'm going to start it off.

7
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,360
All you have to do is just give me the end of it.

8
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:23,360
Absolutely.

9
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,360
Wait a minute.

10
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,360
Live it how you live it.

11
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:37,360
Tintos in while we eat peanut butter and ants on white bread.

12
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:41,880
Oh, that's great.

13
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:46,880
You may not be as chronically online as I am.

14
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:47,880
So there's this.

15
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,720
Oh, was it supposed to have fingers and penises or something?

16
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:52,720
No, no.

17
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,680
It's just really good song.

18
00:00:54,680 --> 00:01:04,760
This dude who's like, I think he's Indian that was raised in Texas and he pays, he's

19
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:08,240
paying homage to like a whole bunch of different rappers in this one particular song, but it

20
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,640
starts off so good and it's a wait a minute.

21
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:12,880
Live it how you live it.

22
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,000
Tintos in while we step in in business.

23
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:22,040
I'm a big stepper underground methods and it just it hits so hard and the video came

24
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,040
out.

25
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:27,440
I think at the same time the song did, if not, it doesn't matter because the video hits

26
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:32,440
hard because the moment the first beat hits, he's actually stomping and the whole arena

27
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:37,040
shakes and at that moment I was like, I'm in it.

28
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,200
So that's what I brought to you.

29
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,200
He won you over.

30
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,200
Yeah.

31
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,960
That's what I brought to you from the internet today.

32
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:48,520
Plus a whole other things I'm really excited about today and our conversation.

33
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:49,520
Yeah.

34
00:01:49,520 --> 00:02:00,040
It's going to be great today's conversation is about beliefs and the addict beliefs.

35
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,040
That's the curveball.

36
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:09,880
I didn't throw you beliefs and the addict, the addict, the addict because and that it's

37
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:16,520
the perfect topic for our last guest, the bisexual chef.

38
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,120
No, what was he, non-binary chef.

39
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,520
I do apologize.

40
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:25,120
The non-binary chef who is also an addict now.

41
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,040
I've got all these wonderful questions for him.

42
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:33,880
Oh, so you're gearing up for a, you're gearing up for another underground.

43
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:34,880
Okay.

44
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:35,880
Yeah.

45
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:36,880
Yeah.

46
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:37,880
Okay.

47
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:38,880
Part two.

48
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,880
Well, and for a secondary kind of got a little tied up because there's another person who

49
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,200
we're talking to has non-binary in their title as well.

50
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,560
And it was like, wait, we haven't talked to him yet.

51
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,080
But no, that's the non-binary dad.

52
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,080
Yeah.

53
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,680
So, so we're, we're, I think that's next week actually.

54
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,760
So, you know, oh, that's exciting.

55
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,760
Yeah.

56
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:04,840
And then I spoke one other before, before we go into beliefs and the addict, I want to

57
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:12,960
tell you that I talked, I spoke with Marcus Allen, freshman, okay, who was the most hated

58
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:17,360
man besides Andrew Tate, the most hated man on TikTok.

59
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:22,840
And he's going to be on our podcast and he called me from Los Angeles today.

60
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:26,400
I'm super excited.

61
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:34,040
He's done with the Republican national convention, but he has got questions.

62
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,040
So many questions.

63
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,040
He's got questions.

64
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,040
Yes.

65
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,640
Because he listened to the podcast you published yesterday.

66
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,640
Okay.

67
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,200
He listened to the podcast, the bisexual coffee.

68
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,520
He listened to my interview with you.

69
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:47,520
Nice.

70
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,480
And my editorial, uh, debut for a bisexual podcast.

71
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:53,480
Absolutely.

72
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:57,560
The whole coming out, the whole sexuality thing.

73
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,560
Right.

74
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,800
I'm telling you, I think you're waking up, Mr. Marcus Allen, freshman.

75
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:07,280
I mean, he's waking us up and we're waking him up.

76
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:14,920
And it's, it's interesting because he was like, so Michael was married before.

77
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:15,920
And I said, yes.

78
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:16,920
Yes.

79
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,320
And he said, married to a woman.

80
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,800
Cause I wasn't sure if he was married to a woman or a man.

81
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,000
I said, no, married to a woman.

82
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,000
Yep.

83
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,440
Get prepared for that.

84
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,840
Cause he's, he's going to ask you all these questions.

85
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,340
I'm sure.

86
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:38,280
And he was like, but the first wife didn't understand because he didn't tell her right

87
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,280
away.

88
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,400
And I said, well, it seems like that, doesn't it?

89
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:45,400
And he said, so the second wife he was very open with.

90
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,720
And I said, absolutely.

91
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,720
Yes.

92
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,240
And he said, and, and they're still together.

93
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,280
And I said, yeah, absolutely.

94
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:53,680
They're still together.

95
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:58,640
So I have a feeling he's got some questions for you.

96
00:04:58,640 --> 00:04:59,640
Oh, I can't wait.

97
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,160
I just love him.

98
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,160
Yep.

99
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:07,760
Uh, and speaking of last episode, I need to know if you've seen the video yet.

100
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,040
Have you looked at the video?

101
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,000
I, okay.

102
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,720
So you emailed me.

103
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,720
Yeah.

104
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,720
The link.

105
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,720
Our Google drive.

106
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:17,720
Yep.

107
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:22,360
So when you get a chance, get, when you get a chance, watch it, scrub forward to about

108
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,680
16 minutes and you'll see the magic happen.

109
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,680
Okay.

110
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,680
It's not going to, I'm not going to.

111
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:28,680
In the video.

112
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:33,960
I'm not going to give anything away, but I had to do a little magic and I just want

113
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:34,960
you to see it.

114
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,640
It's, I'm telling you, it's a little, it's the least amount of magic I think I could

115
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,000
have done, but still it's nice.

116
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,080
I think, I think you'll like it.

117
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:52,560
So let's, let's get into these beliefs and this is a, it's a broad word.

118
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,560
One.

119
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:54,800
I mean, you can believe in anything.

120
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:55,880
You can believe in Santa Claus.

121
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,480
You can believe in your, your, yourself, you can believe in somebody else.

122
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,760
You can believe that birds aren't real and that the CEI, the CEIA is just has a whole

123
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:07,480
bunch of feather drones out there that are spying on us.

124
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,480
So many different beliefs.

125
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,680
So what were you thinking?

126
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,440
What was the seed of thought that first came into your head when you said beliefs?

127
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,840
Because my brain may have went in a different direction and I'm interested.

128
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,040
I'm excited for both.

129
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,160
I scheduled a couple of hours.

130
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,560
So we may have to do this in pieces.

131
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,000
So we can, you know, we'll schedule them all.

132
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,000
I'm okay making the series.

133
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,000
Yeah, me too.

134
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,000
I'll do a series.

135
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,840
So, so what I was thinking about was naked onion mystery tours podcast.

136
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:44,440
We did an episode on beliefs and I haven't listened to it.

137
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:51,160
It's something I'm going to listen to after this podcast, but I have changed as a person.

138
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,040
I came out to those women.

139
00:06:54,040 --> 00:07:00,040
I came out and they were treating me like a pick me.

140
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,800
Like, I'm not really sure what a pick me is.

141
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:08,560
Well, I mean, you pretty much on the point is like, you know, all y'all are cool, but

142
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,080
look, I've got the qualities that everybody should like, everybody look at me, you know,

143
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,080
pick me.

144
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:20,400
I'm the, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm the cool original girl, you know, I'm the Zoe Deschanel of the

145
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,400
show.

146
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,400
Does that help?

147
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,400
Okay.

148
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,400
That, that was definitely me.

149
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,400
Okay.

150
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,280
But that's just me all the time.

151
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:34,640
And I came out to them and I was like, yep, I'm pan.

152
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,200
I didn't really know what the definition was in that moment because I hadn't been living

153
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,600
as a pan person.

154
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,320
I'd only been thinking about it.

155
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,320
I'm an addict.

156
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,840
Remember, I'm addicted to that straight lifestyle.

157
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,920
I was brought up in, in a, uh, Baptist cult.

158
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:51,920
Yeah.

159
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:52,920
Right.

160
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:53,920
Like people don't get it.

161
00:07:53,920 --> 00:08:00,120
When you wake up and you're fed the same soup every single day, you start talking like

162
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,120
the soup.

163
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,120
Right.

164
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,120
Yeah, that makes sense.

165
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,080
You start, you start like, okay, I'm in a Baptist cult.

166
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:10,760
Why isn't any, you know, so I'm, I'm having, I'm like having to bring people to the Lord

167
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:11,760
and shit.

168
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,800
And I'm like, why do I have to bring these people to the Lord?

169
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,600
Shouldn't they just want to be like me?

170
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:23,000
Shouldn't they just want to be Christ like in all this shit?

171
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,000
Yeah.

172
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,320
Cause at the time it makes sense to you.

173
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,000
You can't understand why does it make sense to everybody else?

174
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,520
You're, yeah.

175
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:30,520
Yeah.

176
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:40,520
Well, after 45 years of fighting with people and like, look, you know, and then I become

177
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:47,320
a nurse and then there's certain rules to nursing and, and a healthy lifestyle.

178
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:53,040
And I start becoming addicted to all of these different beliefs.

179
00:08:53,040 --> 00:09:00,080
And because of the Baptist cult, I'm trying to bring people to a healthy lifestyle or

180
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,080
I'm trying to bring them.

181
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:09,600
And that was one of the clicks in naked onion was, you know, I'm, I'm interviewing people

182
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:17,520
and I'm pretending to be all these different people until it fucks me up.

183
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,480
You're painting yourself into a personality corner, which I mean, I guess that's what

184
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:28,640
happens when you grow up, so to speak, in front of a microphone or a camera.

185
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,840
I mean, and it's bound to happen to people of all ages.

186
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,880
You definitely hear about it with people growing up, like literally from the, from child to

187
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:41,160
adulthood, where, you know, their views change, their priorities change and whatnot.

188
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,600
And they're taking a look around.

189
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:50,560
Then there's always that awkward stage where like somebody who was previously a child in

190
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,600
Hollywood becomes an adult and they want to start, you know, expressing themselves as

191
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,440
an adult, which means maybe dressing a little sexier or maybe being true about who they

192
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:04,880
are as, as their sexuality or identity or everything and wondering what that's going

193
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:12,760
to do to them, you know, in their, in their sphere, in their sphere of influence.

194
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,680
And so I guess, I guess you went through a little of that, huh?

195
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:20,840
I mean, it was identity crisis, like a motherfucker.

196
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:26,560
Because I was, you know, and I had Adam A. Vittable, like I said, he's pan and I can't

197
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:30,040
wait for you to meet him.

198
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,360
Just announced, I haven't sent him an invite yet.

199
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:38,080
Obviously I've been traveling for months and I'm finally home.

200
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:42,880
But getting away, like my partner right now, right?

201
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,000
Perfect.

202
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,000
Everything is perfect.

203
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,000
It's good.

204
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,640
Still, it's still good balance of apprenticeship right now.

205
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,640
You know what?

206
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,840
It's more like a marriage now.

207
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:59,920
I mean, in the sense that it was almost like there was a control dynamic when I just came

208
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,160
in.

209
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,160
Which isn't healthy.

210
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,160
Right.

211
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:09,320
I wasn't going to relinquish my control of myself and he wasn't going to relinquish his

212
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,720
control of his self.

213
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,560
He wanted what he wanted.

214
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,520
I wanted what I wanted.

215
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,520
We both love each other.

216
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:23,480
Now we're at this place where we're willing to give each other what, what we were asking

217
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:31,360
for in the beginning, but never knew how to ask because we both grew up in the same,

218
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,360
we're both 55.

219
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:36,880
I mean, codependency was a flipping thing.

220
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,960
That's what you did when you got home.

221
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:44,720
The woman had food ready on the table and the husband just, I don't know, you were Archie

222
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,720
Bunker.

223
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,760
And just so we're clear, I just want to make sure that we're, that I'm still thinking the

224
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:51,760
same thing.

225
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:58,480
So you've entered a marriage state with somebody who right now I would say you're emotionally

226
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,920
intimate with, but not physically, which is what I want.

227
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:03,920
Yeah.

228
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:04,920
With someone I live with.

229
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:05,920
Okay.

230
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:06,920
Do you follow me?

231
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:07,920
Okay.

232
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,920
So the other stuff I get elsewhere.

233
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:11,920
Gotcha.

234
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:12,920
I'm paying.

235
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:20,240
That's why another reason why I'm paying is because marriage had this depth.

236
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,720
This is a belief, right?

237
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,040
So marriage had this definition for me.

238
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,040
Okay.

239
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,120
My husband needs to be there for me.

240
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,760
My husband needs to listen to me.

241
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,800
My husband needs to respect my boundaries.

242
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:39,280
My husband needs, these are all the things that I want in my partner, but I wasn't getting

243
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,840
because I was with somebody who was whole and I was incomplete.

244
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,840
Remember I'm an addict.

245
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:46,840
Yeah.

246
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:47,840
Yeah, I got you.

247
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:48,840
I got you.

248
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:57,040
The addicts will like, if you, in the beginning when we're young and we're sexy and vibrant

249
00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:06,320
and things, we, you know, I mean this for anybody who can identify this way is that I

250
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:10,360
was sexually, I was manipulative.

251
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,360
Okay.

252
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,680
That's a ferocious man.

253
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,200
It's not cool.

254
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,360
It is terrible.

255
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:23,680
I've read a few books that do a couple of different things with it that either tell it like it

256
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:34,240
is and some of the second guessing shame, guilt, sometimes even anger when things don't

257
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,400
happen to go your way.

258
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,080
Like, like it really delved into that.

259
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:45,960
And then there's been other stories like there was a book bought by Chuck Palinock, the guy

260
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,520
who wrote Fight Club.

261
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:51,520
All right.

262
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:52,520
Yes.

263
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,520
Yeah.

264
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,560
I want to say you sent me that.

265
00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:01,880
I think we talked about it before, but it was called Choke, the name of the book.

266
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:07,680
And it romanticized it only in that really dark and gritty way that Chuck can write.

267
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:13,040
Like, not really like glorifying it, but definitely adding like a kind of like a weird glitz

268
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,160
and glamour only through his eyes.

269
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:20,200
And you can only imagine what everybody else is seeing from the outside.

270
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:26,960
So it's, and then you have, and this one is cheap, but people do it all the time, especially

271
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:32,120
in movies that cater to like a younger audience from like early teens up to mid twenties and

272
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,280
also depends on how your humor grows from there.

273
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:41,840
But you know, like sexual comedy video movies, thinking about Euro trip, American pie, stuff

274
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:46,200
like that.

275
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,960
It's such a dysfunctional way to relate to people.

276
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Yeah.

277
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960
It's so dysfunctional.

278
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,920
I mean, it was an old belief.

279
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,560
Like I was saying, it was on naked onion.

280
00:14:55,560 --> 00:15:02,200
I'm sitting in front of these women and I'm trying to be, it was almost schizophrenic.

281
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,880
It was almost schizophrenic.

282
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,160
It was so bad.

283
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:11,680
It was like I had a freaking meltdown.

284
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:12,680
I did.

285
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,680
I just did.

286
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:15,680
And Adam was like.

287
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,040
Did you have a meltdown on the podcast?

288
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,040
No.

289
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,360
You would have got so many listeners.

290
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,360
I get it.

291
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:24,360
I joke.

292
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,360
Oh my God.

293
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,360
That would have been just.

294
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:32,240
No, I, I didn't even know like I wasn't aware enough of myself.

295
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,240
Sure.

296
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,600
Now I'm fully aware.

297
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,960
Like I am in control of my addiction.

298
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,680
Fully aware hopefully to the chance of being able to grow later, you know.

299
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,680
Oh my God.

300
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,360
There's always more you can find.

301
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,320
Oh, it's beautiful.

302
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:52,960
Like the love I have for people and the understanding and the kindness and the non judgment and

303
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,480
the, the play self love.

304
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:57,480
Self love.

305
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,480
I have.

306
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,560
Oh my God.

307
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,720
The patients.

308
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,880
I mean, I don't get annoyed anymore.

309
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:05,880
I don't.

310
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:13,640
It is just like my inner voice says bitch, honey, all these people are going through something

311
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,640
baby.

312
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,640
That's true.

313
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,480
I feel it in and mirror joy and get through today.

314
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,840
You will be fine.

315
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:25,960
I want to, I want to say something just like maybe as like, I don't know if this is like

316
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:33,920
the devil's advocate type situation, but please you have to, I'm sure you know this, but

317
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:40,560
for somebody who is reveling in the, in the peace that they're, they're having now and

318
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,720
in the revelation that you're having now of yourself.

319
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,360
You also need to make sure that you are feeling and acknowledging any of the bad stuff that

320
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,680
comes along too.

321
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:58,240
Because as humans, we, we, we really like to, to feel good in a spot that goes, Hey,

322
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,680
I'm in a place where nothing bad can touch me.

323
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,400
Sometimes there's just, we're ignoring the bad stuff and not processing it.

324
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,160
So every once in a while, I say, maybe have yourself like a, like just kind of like a

325
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:15,080
bitch fest day, you know, just to acknowledge some of the things that went wrong and you

326
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,320
couldn't resolve them.

327
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,720
And then you like, I don't know, have a toast to them or something.

328
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,840
I don't have that anymore.

329
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,320
La Blanc, man.

330
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,320
Okay.

331
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:30,280
Like, no, no, like the trauma and the crap that I went through, I've, I've addressed

332
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,280
it.

333
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:37,960
I've talked to it and I've filed it away because I will not identify as that anymore.

334
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,680
I'm not using that as a meaning for my, the belief is gone.

335
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:47,400
I guess is what I, the reason I wanted to talk about beliefs in the first place.

336
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:53,000
It's like, I was so hardcore in my trauma.

337
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,960
I honest, it took me to a, it took me to a dark place.

338
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,320
I understand.

339
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:02,440
Which I took to your podcast.

340
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,680
It's your loss.

341
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:04,680
Yeah.

342
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:09,560
But, you know, that's the place to talk about it if there's ever is a place.

343
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,800
Um, just, you know, be, be open.

344
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,800
Oh, exactly.

345
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:14,800
No, no, no.

346
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,800
I, I feel like I'm climbing a mountain though.

347
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,400
And I'm not going to step down to address anything more.

348
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,480
I'm not stepping down.

349
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:31,920
Well, what my belief is now is that I went through this so I can help.

350
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:38,520
I've helped so many people already that have reached out and I know you have for sure.

351
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:39,520
You've helped me.

352
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:45,840
I, uh, I've got a kind of a taste on how much, um, I've been putting out there as far

353
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,680
as like words of support and everything like that as definitely as I've been getting more

354
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,000
in touch with myself too, because it will last couple of years.

355
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:59,760
I mean, there's reasons that I went to therapy that were, uh, like physically beneficial

356
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,680
for me, um, and I wanted to bring kind of like that piece to others.

357
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:09,640
And I was kind of reminded of that when I hung out with a friend this weekend, um, when

358
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:14,120
I met his sister-in-law who I'd never seen in my life, and she goes, Oh, you're Michael

359
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,120
LeBlanc.

360
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:19,200
And I went, she said, Yeah, you're a celebrity around here.

361
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,360
People, people really like you.

362
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,560
And I was like, thank you.

363
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,400
I had to like push that out because I have such a heart problem.

364
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,600
Like, I like accepting words of praise.

365
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,240
Like, it's always cool when I get them.

366
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,040
But a lot of times I tend to like play them off.

367
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,640
It's got, Oh, I'm, it's nothing.

368
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,040
But sometimes it really is something to other people and downplaying it really doesn't help

369
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,040
them.

370
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,200
So I just go, thank you.

371
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,200
That's very nice.

372
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,600
Um, much gratitude.

373
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,600
Yeah.

374
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:50,720
Uh, so I wish for you nothing but, uh, upwards growth.

375
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:56,680
Um, but I also want to say that if there's ever a point where, you know, you go to step

376
00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:01,120
up and maybe there wasn't some support there than you thought and you slip down a couple

377
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,560
of steps, give yourself some grace, reach out to people, keep being you.

378
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:05,560
Okay.

379
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,560
And now I can do that.

380
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:07,560
Okay.

381
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,560
As long as you promise to that.

382
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:13,120
No, I promise you're probably going to be the first person I called too.

383
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,920
And it'll be, it'll be something happened.

384
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:16,920
I don't know.

385
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,960
I'm right now, I'm the belief is I'm, I'm hunting for that money.

386
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:22,960
Amen.

387
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:23,960
I'm hunting.

388
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,960
I'm on a hunt.

389
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,480
I'm going to do that only fans business.

390
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,480
Oh, okay.

391
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,480
All right.

392
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,480
I told you about that.

393
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,480
Yeah.

394
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,720
No, you told me, I just didn't realize you were going to tell everybody like right now

395
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,200
before you even hear, well, you may have already hit record.

396
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,200
That's none of my business.

397
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,200
I'm producing.

398
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,480
Oh, did I tell you?

399
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,480
I'm producing.

400
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,480
I thought you were photographer.

401
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:47,480
I'm a producer.

402
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,120
I'd be more power to you if you were going to be talent too.

403
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:55,560
I, well, it might just happen that I have to be some talent.

404
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,000
I mean, oh, I'm going to suffer through that.

405
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,880
You have to suffer for your art for that one.

406
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:03,880
Right.

407
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,960
Can I tell you a little bit about what I thought?

408
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,800
I need you to please.

409
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,800
Okay.

410
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,800
All right.

411
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:18,840
So, the first thing I looked for was, I wanted to see what some people's beliefs are when

412
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:23,440
it comes to sexuality in general.

413
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,320
And there were, let's see if I can count properly.

414
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,760
There were seven key points on here that came up.

415
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,920
And then what I did is I wrote a little bit about myself, about them to try to figure

416
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:38,920
out exactly where I stood on that and to see if some of these beliefs I'm harboring or

417
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:43,600
if some of these beliefs I have completely said, no, that, that makes no sense.

418
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,640
Like, you know, like Easter Bunny never made sense to me.

419
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,520
Never believed it.

420
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,160
And I'll just go through these real quick.

421
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,520
First one being sex is often surrounded by dysfunctional beliefs, including that the

422
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,560
idea is dirty or sinful.

423
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:05,000
Many religious and cultural teachings have perpetuated those negative views.

424
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:10,020
The idea that sexual pleasure is immoral leads to shame and repression.

425
00:22:10,020 --> 00:22:15,920
That one right there is not so much a belief as much as it is cause and effect.

426
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:20,920
Sexual, uh, no, sexual energy is natural and vital for health and well-being.

427
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,360
And this is where I began to see like this was a good mix.

428
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,840
It wasn't just all negative.

429
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:30,040
People are often conditioned to feel guilt about their sexual desires.

430
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,440
Breaking free from these beliefs is essential for fulfilling life.

431
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,440
Which is great.

432
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,640
I love that line.

433
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:40,440
And prosperity includes sexual health and freedom from shame.

434
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:44,000
Uh, and yeah.

435
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,160
And we've, we've talked, I think we've talked about some of these, especially the aspect

436
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,280
of shame and why that's not healthy.

437
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:56,440
Um, in fact, the last episode that I edited, which, uh, is your interview with me, I mentioned

438
00:22:56,440 --> 00:23:02,640
on there that I felt better about myself when I realized that the fantasies that I was having

439
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:10,160
of a relation with a man was, uh, not bringing like any afterwaves of shame afterwards.

440
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,320
Like I wasn't going, oh man, I'm having these dirty thoughts.

441
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,320
What's wrong with me?

442
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,080
I was just like, huh, that's interesting.

443
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:22,320
And you know, as I was growing and thinking about that and experimenting with what I liked

444
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,360
and what I thought, there was, there was no shame.

445
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:31,840
Now there was one point where there was, and looking back on it now, 20 years later, I

446
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,440
find, I feel like how silly it was.

447
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:39,600
And that was, uh, my choice of pornography was found out by everybody who was in the

448
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:44,800
house at the time, which included two roommates and my wife.

449
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:51,520
I had not told anybody, uh, since I told my wife that first time that I was, uh, bisexual

450
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,240
or bi curious at that point, you know, still trying to figure out exactly what that all

451
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:56,240
meant to me.

452
00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:01,160
Uh, and so like I was watching anything and everything, which included, uh, transsexual

453
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,560
born, uh, BDSM.

454
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,160
I mean, I was, it was a cavalcade of everything and everything.

455
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,160
Yeah.

456
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,160
And I was in there.

457
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:13,240
I have, I have no idea what's going to fit now in my mind.

458
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,960
Now that I'm having these thoughts, let's find out.

459
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:20,000
And then my laptop was just left open unlocked for everybody to see.

460
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,080
And they were like, Oh, Michael watches this.

461
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:27,040
And I'm like, Oh, uh, uh, uh, it, it, it just, it, it's malware.

462
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,040
It must be malware.

463
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,840
And I was like, Oh man.

464
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,080
And so looking back at the, I should have owned it.

465
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,080
I really should have.

466
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:39,360
Yep, you know, that's, that's, that's what's doing it for me right now.

467
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:44,360
Um, I'm letting go of that shame and being open with who I am and what I like and being

468
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,920
with a partner that understands all that.

469
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,880
Like she asks open questions.

470
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,120
Like sometimes she's like, Hey, are you still looking at this particular type of porn?

471
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,280
And I'm like, no, I've moved on to this because it's really interesting.

472
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,000
I saw this in it and it kinks up Reddit.

473
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:00,600
And I was like, what does that look like?

474
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:05,040
And I, you know, she, it may not be her cup of tea, but she's not judging me for it.

475
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,920
And I think she knows, man.

476
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:08,920
Yeah.

477
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,680
She knows she's been there.

478
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:11,680
Like, yeah.

479
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,320
I mean, and it was cool because I'm not touching that.

480
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,320
Yeah.

481
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,680
And she's, and she's told me about, you know, things that she's enjoyed too.

482
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,480
The back and forth is just great.

483
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,760
So being free from shame is just amazing in general.

484
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:29,040
I mean, this year I went to pride, letting everybody know, putting those photos up everywhere.

485
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:36,360
Um, just being, being the me that I want to be is been great and freeing.

486
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:43,040
So that right there, I feel like has turned into a belief for me that there's no real

487
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,040
reason.

488
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,760
There's never a reason to broadcast it everywhere I go, but there's no reason to hide when people

489
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:52,320
like, when it's, it's time to like have that conversation with somebody or find comfortable

490
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,200
with somebody, you know?

491
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,960
And if they don't like it, well, you know, they can just, uh,

492
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,320
we won't invite them to the dinner party.

493
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:00,320
Okay.

494
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:01,720
We're going to have a big dinner party.

495
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,960
We're going to have all the rich folks there and we're going to have everybody that ever

496
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,840
podcasted with us and things and we're going to have bisexual coffee and we won't invite

497
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:10,840
them.

498
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:11,840
No, you just leave them out.

499
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,240
They won't be with us and they won't have fun.

500
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,680
I bet you anything that all those rich people have like some of the kinkiest kinks out there

501
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:18,680
too, man.

502
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:23,160
They, they need something to feel alive, you know?

503
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,760
I want to ask Marcus.

504
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:25,760
Oh yeah.

505
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,240
Yeah, tell me, tell us, Marcus.

506
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,440
You ever had a finger up your butt?

507
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,440
Yeah.

508
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,440
It feels so good.

509
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,720
Go ahead, open with that.

510
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,280
See where the conversation goes from there.

511
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,400
Marcus, serious?

512
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,400
I will.

513
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:37,400
I'll give him shit.

514
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:42,280
And so, and then, so I answered a few of those right there just to kind of see where

515
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:46,000
I was and kind of, it's kind of the conversation that we're having right now, uh, or at least

516
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:51,240
the story that I'm telling you right now about how I'm feeling, the fact that I don't fully

517
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:58,720
believe that my gender is 100% male, that's something that I believe, and I believe that

518
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:04,240
a lot of people have more fluidity in them than they're willing to admit because it makes

519
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:11,080
them feel either ostracized by their own instilled beliefs or if it makes them feel uncomfortable

520
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:15,000
in whatever position they believe that they're in.

521
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,080
But then again, there can be, I mean, as much as I'm saying that, I'm sure there are people

522
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:24,240
out there who are just strictly cis, the way they came out 100% straight, they're never

523
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,440
going to see anything and they don't have any thoughts.

524
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,960
I'm blown away by those people.

525
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,320
I'm serious because I couldn't do it.

526
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,080
I couldn't do it.

527
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:39,800
And I was getting pissed off more and more every single day, just angrier and angrier,

528
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:43,320
like, okay, why aren't people accepting me?

529
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:48,000
Why aren't people accepting this version of me?

530
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,360
That was the belief.

531
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:58,000
Holding yourself to their own perceptions and wondering why you don't fit, I guess.

532
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,000
Exactly.

533
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,920
I mean, that goes into the shame thing, right?

534
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:07,800
And it sounds like we both tend to do a good job on letting go of that.

535
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:08,800
Oh, yeah.

536
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,120
Yeah, because it doesn't exist.

537
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,680
It's not real.

538
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,080
The belief was that my ex-husband didn't love me.

539
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:21,360
Well, I think what they're all picking up on was I wasn't being me.

540
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:22,360
Sure.

541
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,600
I wasn't being myself.

542
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:30,200
Yeah, being genuinely genuine is people can pick up on that.

543
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:31,880
But I didn't know.

544
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:32,880
I didn't know.

545
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:37,800
I didn't know I should be this, you know, because of the Baptist cult and things.

546
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,640
My dad was like, praise the Lord.

547
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:40,640
Praise Jesus.

548
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,000
We love him.

549
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:47,280
Past the tray or past the bowl or whatever the hell you put the money in.

550
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,280
Pass it.

551
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,000
I want to put all my money in there.

552
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,280
Is Donald Trump here today?

553
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,480
I'm putting money in there for him too.

554
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,080
Oh, goodness.

555
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,000
Jewish Baptist people.

556
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,320
It's a very strange element.

557
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,820
That is.

558
00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:09,560
So you were raised in the Baptist, Baptist cult that you're feeling, right?

559
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,000
Very cultish.

560
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:17,040
I was raised in the Baptist faith, but it wasn't the cultish kind of me.

561
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:24,280
My parents, they practiced religion in a way where they knew it was a part of their past.

562
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,760
So they really felt like they should hang on to it a little bit.

563
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:32,120
And so we went to church a couple of times, like one time for a whole like two years.

564
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,320
But it wasn't anything that was like.

565
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:36,320
That's stuck.

566
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:37,320
Yeah.

567
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,040
That's how you usually say that.

568
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:40,040
It didn't stick.

569
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:47,400
Mom came back to the religion that she perceived, you know, the religion that made her peace

570
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:51,480
was basically just like a oneness with God.

571
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:56,160
It wasn't really necessarily denominational.

572
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,040
And I don't know what dad believed.

573
00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,080
He was kind of all over the board.

574
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,320
He was raised a pastor son.

575
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,520
He thought he was going to be a pastor when he grew up.

576
00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:09,840
But I mean, he became the hippie that he was, which isn't it isn't it isn't a bad

577
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,360
thing being being a hippie.

578
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,080
There's no real bad problem with that.

579
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,480
It's some of his other qualities that made it kind of hard to get along with them.

580
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,440
But overall, they did the best for me and I'm glad for that.

581
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:28,160
But after I got out of there, I was still holding on to Christian beliefs, heaven, hell,

582
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:36,080
God, Jesus, all the stories that, you know, that make it such a wonderful tale.

583
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,360
A tale that so many people can relate to.

584
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:45,760
And when I was in the military, I got to the point where I was feeling a lot of anxiety

585
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,080
and we're going into a war zone.

586
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:56,120
I mean, we were there for the anti terrorist war, whichever one that was called fight terrorism,

587
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,240
go go away terrorism now, whatever it was called.

588
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:00,240
We were out there.

589
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,120
We were trying to find Saddam.

590
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:03,960
We don't wind up finding we wind up finding him.

591
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,600
But still we're in a war zone, like going to Bahrain and seeing how those buildings were

592
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,000
just destroyed when we got there on the shore.

593
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:13,000
Constant reminder.

594
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,080
And so I started thinking, what happens if I die out here?

595
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:16,080
What happened?

596
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,280
They might have, I've been good enough.

597
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,880
Have I done all the right things?

598
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,760
And it started giving me anxiety attacks.

599
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:26,840
So I told myself, I was like, should my religion be doing this?

600
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:34,000
Should my religion be making me feel fear constantly because I don't know if I'm doing

601
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:35,640
good enough?

602
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:36,840
Is there another way?

603
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:40,800
And so I started digging into other religions, found Buddhism.

604
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,400
Yeah, found Buddhism, right?

605
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:47,840
Got comfortable with the idea of Buddhism, especially how the golden rule and karma seemed

606
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,040
so very much the same.

607
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:57,160
It's just one's more spiritual driven and the other one is just like common decent driven

608
00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:03,040
that turns into mysticism by the end a little bit because reincarnation itself is very spiritual,

609
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:08,160
but still in a way it's its own form of mysticism for me, which is still hard for me to kind

610
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,200
of grab onto, but I'm working on it.

611
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:14,960
But I called myself a Christian Buddhist for the longest time because I'm like, I know

612
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,200
that there are people out here who do both.

613
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:18,440
And then eventually they just drop it.

614
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:19,440
Yeah, there are.

615
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:24,960
And that's why I found a whole like three or four books in the Chaplains Library about

616
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:29,840
this and I went through them over about a year and a half while I was out on the ship.

617
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:33,240
Before I got out, I had made the decision of like, I'm just Buddhist.

618
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,520
Like there's a there, I don't know which one.

619
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,400
There are a few different.

620
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:40,400
It's not the nominations.

621
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:41,520
I can't remember the name of it right now.

622
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:43,320
That's how good of a Buddhist I am.

623
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:48,760
But there are different types that I don't know.

624
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:49,760
Oh yeah.

625
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:50,760
Yeah, for sure.

626
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:58,080
Well, there's here's the thing too that I've taken away from Buddhism with my addiction.

627
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,080
Eliminate desire.

628
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:01,080
Yeah.

629
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:02,080
Drop and hit.

630
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:04,080
Well, I threw that.

631
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:06,080
I threw that coaster right on the ground.

632
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,000
It's great.

633
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,800
Eliminate desire and you eliminate suffering.

634
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:12,800
Yes.

635
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,000
And that's what I've been working on.

636
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,280
I'd say it's cost me a pretty penny too.

637
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:24,080
I won't, I won't tell you how much, but it's cost me quite a bit to get rid of the being

638
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,320
addicted to guilt and shame.

639
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:27,320
Yeah.

640
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:32,120
I mean, they start, look, they start on us when we're little too.

641
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:36,720
So even if you don't go to church, you are watching the boob tube.

642
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:37,720
Yeah.

643
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,920
And the boob tube is, hey, you're not enough.

644
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:41,920
You need this hair color.

645
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,000
Hey, you're not enough.

646
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,000
You need this doctor.

647
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,000
You need, you need this car.

648
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:52,000
You need to go here and there's this concert and that concert.

649
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,880
And then of course there's social media and the Kardashians.

650
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:56,880
Especially now, yeah.

651
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,440
They kept building themselves.

652
00:33:58,440 --> 00:33:59,440
Yeah.

653
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:04,960
And, and it's really like, I don't even really watch TV anymore.

654
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:10,200
I mean, we really have to work to, I mean, we've got so much shit we're doing.

655
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:15,200
We have to really sit down and really watch a movie and like, and we don't have time.

656
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:19,040
So it may be like once or twice a month.

657
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:24,120
The recording stopped for me for just a second.

658
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:25,120
Hold on.

659
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:26,120
Oh, it's fine.

660
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,120
Let it go.

661
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:28,120
Okay.

662
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:29,880
It said, it's still recording on my end.

663
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:30,880
Oh, okay.

664
00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:34,920
So I just also want to clarify for anybody who's younger on here, maybe under the age

665
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,640
of like 30 or something like that.

666
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:40,320
If you're listening to this, the boob tube is not what you think it is.

667
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:43,840
That sounds like you're watching a porn hub.

668
00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:48,640
No, that is just what we used to call television.

669
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:54,000
And it was a giant glass, hulking ball and encased in metal and wood.

670
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:59,560
And it probably gave us like radiation damage, but it feeds a lot into the stereotypes that

671
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:03,000
I was reading before.

672
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:09,120
If it wasn't joking about sexuality, it was people looking at people who were openly either

673
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:15,560
having sex or living a different life other than, you know, cis-het and going, you know,

674
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:16,800
shame, shame on them.

675
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,440
Look how bad, look how different they're doing.

676
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:23,480
They should come to Jesus at some point or whatever, or whatever salvation they believed

677
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,240
in pushed at the time.

678
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:27,880
Autonomy is your salvation.

679
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:28,880
Yeah.

680
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,480
The autonomy is complete salvation.

681
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:32,480
I like that.

682
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:33,480
I like that.

683
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:37,120
That should be, you should sell something with that on there.

684
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:44,520
I, you know, I've got so many things I want to do, like t-shirts and, you know, the pot.

685
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:49,400
It's just the whole, you know, we're still dealing with, you know, my loving father.

686
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:50,400
Yeah.

687
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:51,400
Yeah.

688
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:52,400
Oh, it's not the time.

689
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:54,520
It's not the time, but maybe one day.

690
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:55,520
Yeah.

691
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:56,520
Yes.

692
00:35:56,520 --> 00:36:03,480
So that's the thing about not being addicted anymore is that, and, and like the Buddhists,

693
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:04,840
okay, they get this.

694
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:09,120
It's like when you're not addicted anymore, you're not addicted to an outcome.

695
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:13,760
You're not attaching your meaning to someone else's reality anymore.

696
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:15,200
It's not exhausting.

697
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:20,240
It's no longer, I'm not sitting over here making excuses for who I am.

698
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:21,880
I am living my life.

699
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:22,880
Yeah.

700
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:28,640
And I'm being the best partner I possibly can to someone I love very much and I'm here

701
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:30,200
and I'm present.

702
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:31,200
Okay.

703
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:32,200
Yeah.

704
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:41,560
And I'm loving and kind to whoever I'm intimate with or, you know, there's none of that where

705
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:45,920
I'm going to shame someone for my shenanigans.

706
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,440
You're sounding very leaf on the wind right now.

707
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:52,160
And I can kind of respect that.

708
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,440
I'm just tired.

709
00:36:54,440 --> 00:37:00,840
I've been, I've been kind of a people pleaser since way back and I get a lot of that from

710
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:04,920
like watching my parents and making sure the things that I was doing like wasn't really,

711
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:09,680
especially my mom upsetting my mom because she was pretty volatile back in my early teens

712
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:11,200
and that kind of stuck with me.

713
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:22,080
And I've been unpacking all that, but there is, there is a freedom in being interested

714
00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:31,040
and being kind of playful with knowing what these events that I'm going to do in my creative

715
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:38,600
life and my love life and the conversations that I have with people, what outcome is that

716
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:39,840
going to be?

717
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:43,960
And of course I'm not going for negative outcomes, but they do happen.

718
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:48,640
And the one thing that I've got to do is when they do happen, don't hold on to the memory

719
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:53,240
of that and wonder what was going to change it because that'll cause that suffering.

720
00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:56,600
And again, it all does come back to the elimination of suffering.

721
00:37:56,600 --> 00:38:00,920
No matter exactly what type of Buddhism that you subscribe to.

722
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:06,440
Well I looked up some things actually, some, some different views from different parts

723
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,320
of Buddhism.

724
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:13,280
And it broke down into four points for me.

725
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:18,480
And then it also talked about areas such as Japan, Sri Lanka and Western Buddhism.

726
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:24,640
Theravada Buddhism focuses on ethics and they're the most probably conservative.

727
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,400
They discourage same sex relationships and marriage.

728
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,920
But the emphasis is more about just avoiding sexual misconduct, which for them is anything

729
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:38,280
other than vaginal sex.

730
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:41,280
So explain that again.

731
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:46,400
They do discourage same sex relationships, but more the biggest emphasis is on making

732
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:54,880
sure you avoid sexual misconduct, which is anything other than penis and vaginal sex.

733
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,400
Yes.

734
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:57,400
Anything.

735
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:58,400
Anything.

736
00:38:58,400 --> 00:38:59,400
That would be me.

737
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:00,400
Yeah.

738
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:05,120
I'm already out of that.

739
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:11,280
Mahayana Buddhism, more diverse, some schools are very accepting of the LGBTQ plus.

740
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,920
The most thing that they want to do is no matter what you're doing is that you're being

741
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:18,040
compassionate to yourself as well to everybody around you and that there's no self harm or

742
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:21,880
harm on others, no matter what acts that you're actually doing.

743
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:24,160
It's all love brother.

744
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,240
I think this is pronounced Vajrayana Buddhism.

745
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,600
Again, I might butcher some of these.

746
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:31,600
I haven't said that yet.

747
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:32,600
I meant to say that.

748
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,600
I'm probably going to butcher some of these.

749
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:39,200
Yeah, Vajrayana.

750
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,840
So it might be Vajrayana.

751
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:42,840
It might be.

752
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,360
The A and the J might make that E sound.

753
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,360
They're very complex.

754
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:52,560
They're more complex, but it's mostly because sex isn't necessarily a physical thing as

755
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:56,400
much as it is in twining sexual energy between people.

756
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:59,800
So that's me right there.

757
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:07,800
And then the more modern you get, the more they're more accepting of LGBTQI plus, including

758
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,840
having marriages in their temples.

759
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:15,240
But even the Dalai Lama says, love who you love.

760
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:18,920
Be true to yourself because if you're anything else other than yourself, you are causing

761
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,760
yourself suffering.

762
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:29,780
But we as Buddhists don't really condone anything other than standard vaginal sex.

763
00:40:29,780 --> 00:40:31,560
Anything else is a misconduct.

764
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:39,080
So they're still holding on to that idea, which leads you into being back in the fourth

765
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,240
and fifth centuries.

766
00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:42,560
There was two different terms.

767
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:45,800
One had a really long name and I couldn't pronounce it no matter how much it tried,

768
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:47,680
so I wasn't going to do it on camera.

769
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:55,080
And that one seemed to describe people who were intersex of some sort.

770
00:40:55,080 --> 00:41:02,760
But either one of them said that they had the body of one sex, but the soul of another.

771
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:11,960
And those weren't as ostracized as this one, which is called the Pandaka.

772
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:18,080
So Pandakas are anything that's not seen as like normal humans.

773
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:26,960
So people with dwarfism, people who may dabble in homosexuality, people who are talking lesbians,

774
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,960
intersex, like I said, I did say dwarfism, right?

775
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:35,320
Yeah, because that one was like, wow, not even that one.

776
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:43,160
People who, even hermits at the time, were all kind of just lumped under this one thing.

777
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:47,960
So if you weren't a normal human being contributing and doing things normal as far as society

778
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,840
saw you were a Pandaka, as far as I can tell.

779
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:51,840
I'm a Pandaka.

780
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:56,480
Yeah, I may be butchering this, but I had to read this article like four or five times

781
00:41:56,480 --> 00:42:01,880
to even get understanding, because technical articles kind of confused me sometimes.

782
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:05,120
I had to keep reading them.

783
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:09,840
But the idea is what they couldn't achieve enlightenment during their life.

784
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:15,120
So if you were a Pandaka, the thing was is that you weren't, you couldn't understand

785
00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:21,600
karma, even if it was presented to you, your brain just can't understand it.

786
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:28,440
I couldn't, you and I, we couldn't make donations to begging monks, because that's giving out

787
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:29,440
positive karma.

788
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:30,720
There's no way that we can do that.

789
00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:31,720
That's not our thing.

790
00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:33,200
We should be able to do that.

791
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,600
We can't even meditate.

792
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,080
Oh, well, that's not me.

793
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:41,960
You know, even if it's like, I don't know if it's, even if it's by yourself, but like

794
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:46,120
as a group, like you couldn't be, you're not with the rest of the monks.

795
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:50,320
You're not hanging with the rest of the crew.

796
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:54,040
But other people thought, and this is kind of a little romantic in a way, is that the

797
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:58,400
reason that we are the way that we are is because, and why we can't achieve enlightenment

798
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:04,400
right now is because we're stuck in a past life's karma and inflection.

799
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:10,040
So we're channeling someone else who was before us and we couldn't let go either due

800
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:15,960
to bad karma or just a, I guess a hiccup in the system, so to speak.

801
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:19,920
So I got to elaborate on all that business.

802
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:20,920
Yeah, do it.

803
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:22,040
You just gave us.

804
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:28,560
So I was talking to my friend and she told me, I've been asleep.

805
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:31,880
I'm like, what do you mean I've been asleep?

806
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:36,040
She goes, you've been asleep for 50 years, baby.

807
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:42,120
And you've been trying to wake up from this deep sleep for a very long time and you couldn't

808
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:48,960
wake up because you weren't born to the correct parents.

809
00:43:48,960 --> 00:44:00,280
What ended up happening is your inner goddess had to take over and start shaping you into

810
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:05,040
the person that she believed that you are.

811
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:11,360
And my inner goddess is my little girl.

812
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:18,040
And I'm being a parent for her that I wasn't afforded to.

813
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,800
My parents weren't that to me because their parents weren't that to them.

814
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:22,800
I got you.

815
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,800
I fuck with that so hard.

816
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:25,800
Yeah.

817
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:26,800
Like that's a lot.

818
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:27,800
That is.

819
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:32,800
I mean, I feel like at one point though, you are about to wake up in a like a bubble of

820
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:39,400
goo that's charging up a massive like battery for the machines, you know, maybe we're all

821
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:40,840
just in the matrix.

822
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:44,560
But in a spiritual view, like not being glib.

823
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:49,920
No, I, I, I'm, yeah, I mean that I fuck with that really hard.

824
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:57,680
Like, I, I have such a want that I've found out of wanting to connect with my inner child

825
00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:05,240
and give him the things that I feel like would have made my life easier.

826
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:08,720
But also in the way that I know that I can't do that.

827
00:45:08,720 --> 00:45:13,040
The only thing I can do is, is like heal the child that's there.

828
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:14,560
Like I can't change the outcome.

829
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:18,200
If I did, I'd change the reason that I'd want to be there in the first place.

830
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:23,840
But just to, just to, just to heal the inner child is totally worth it.

831
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:26,840
Is a goal.

832
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:29,720
And here, here's how you do it.

833
00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:30,720
Here's how you do it.

834
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:31,720
Okay.

835
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:37,240
Everything you're afraid of, you write it down on a sheet of paper.

836
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:38,240
Everything.

837
00:45:38,240 --> 00:45:39,240
Okay.

838
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:45,960
Every single thing, whether it's bridges or, you know, it might be blonde women.

839
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:46,960
Just kidding.

840
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:47,960
I'm just kidding.

841
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,680
But you know what I'm saying?

842
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:56,560
It's like you, you write all these things down and then you start addressing it.

843
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:57,560
Yeah.

844
00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:58,560
Okay.

845
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:01,480
Addressing whatever it is.

846
00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,920
One of my fears was no one likes me.

847
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:05,240
No one likes me.

848
00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:06,400
No one likes Edith.

849
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:07,400
I'm always alone.

850
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:08,640
I'm this, I'm that.

851
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:11,760
I had this meaning that I was attached to, right?

852
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:12,760
Right.

853
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:17,880
So in order to start this podcast and when I talked to Kevin Smith, he's like, you can't

854
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:18,880
tell yourself that.

855
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:25,040
He's like, don't tell yourself that because you'll have like one person listening to you.

856
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:26,040
Yeah.

857
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,400
I can't say things like that.

858
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,360
Because you're going to project that shit, right?

859
00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:31,760
He likes me.

860
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:32,760
Yes.

861
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:33,760
Yeah.

862
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:34,760
Yes.

863
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:42,120
And so what I do is, is I'm like, Edith's a badass man.

864
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,080
Edith is cool as hell.

865
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:51,600
Even though the name, I mean the name in and of itself, I should be around 206 with some

866
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:57,440
muddy brown hair, no makeup and certainly not on this podcast.

867
00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:59,360
You get to tell everybody what Edith means.

868
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:01,320
You don't have to, you don't have to.

869
00:47:01,320 --> 00:47:02,320
I'm teasing.

870
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:03,320
Yeah.

871
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:04,320
This is a joke.

872
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:07,320
It's how I used to see it.

873
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:13,760
Now I see Edith and I'm like, man, look at my, my crazy voodoo doll over here.

874
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:14,760
Look at her.

875
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:15,760
Look at her.

876
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,600
She's got a string attached to her.

877
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:19,400
Man, she is a raggedy.

878
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:20,400
I see that.

879
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:24,240
And then self love over here.

880
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:27,080
Like I told you, I'm working on the studio.

881
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:32,440
I already got the handyman lined up ready to go to make the room soundproof.

882
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:37,120
It's going to get painted new, new like molding and shit.

883
00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:38,760
It's going to be, yeah.

884
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:43,720
And then the lighting and I have, one of the things I want to buy is like one of those

885
00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:46,040
really big iPads.

886
00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:55,680
So we can have, I was going to get us like a neon light, but I don't want to order that

887
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:56,680
shit off Amazon.

888
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:59,600
Cause who knows if that'll fit.

889
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:06,360
You know, I figure if I put the big iPad behind me, then we can see our logo.

890
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:07,360
Yeah.

891
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:08,360
You know, yeah.

892
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:11,240
Eventually get you one too.

893
00:48:11,240 --> 00:48:14,360
I need to get my own studio space in general.

894
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:20,160
Somebody who has been seeing behind the scenes whenever I make anything, they know this is

895
00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:24,840
just a corner of my living room where all of my cool, colorful stuff goes.

896
00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:29,040
And we do have an extra room, but that is where the litter boxes is for the cats, you

897
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,160
know, hang out and whatnot.

898
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:32,200
So are the cats now?

899
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,760
And I don't want to have my studio hanging out with litter boxes.

900
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:41,200
I got, no, I've got, I've got a little too much pride in myself for that.

901
00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:45,720
Um, well, and you want it and like, this is the goal.

902
00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:47,960
This is, this is what we're doing.

903
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:50,760
And this is what we're telling everybody.

904
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:54,520
If you believe it, it'll happen.

905
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,680
I mean, of course you want it all to be good.

906
00:48:57,680 --> 00:49:01,080
You don't want to sit there and think about bad shit.

907
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:02,760
Cause that'll happen.

908
00:49:02,760 --> 00:49:03,760
Yeah.

909
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:08,720
But if you think like I used to not compliment myself and be very nice to myself.

910
00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:11,800
And now I'm like, bitch, you are hot.

911
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:14,800
I tell myself that.

912
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:15,800
Oh yeah.

913
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:23,680
I'm like, even when I don't feel it, you know, I've just, I've changed my verbiage and

914
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:28,440
my beliefs, mainly my beliefs.

915
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:34,560
On a scale of a one to 10, one being the easiest thing you've ever done and 10 being,

916
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:38,240
you know, the, the hardest things you've never done yet.

917
00:49:38,240 --> 00:49:46,160
How easy do you feel it was once you started thinking about who you actually are to finally

918
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:50,880
get to that point to tell yourself that I am, you know, I am the sexy bitch.

919
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:54,360
When I got out of my own way, I got out of my own way.

920
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:57,440
I had to eliminate all my lovers.

921
00:49:57,440 --> 00:49:59,560
I had to eliminate my boyfriend.

922
00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:01,120
I had to eliminate my husband.

923
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:04,280
I just want to clarify these people are all still alive.

924
00:50:04,280 --> 00:50:05,280
Um, yes.

925
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:15,920
I just, I just kind of, well, I had to have like break, not break up, but take time out

926
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:19,640
and be alone and figure this out.

927
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:25,000
And like, why am I attracting just such horrible mean people?

928
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:29,400
Cause I was being horribly mean, horribly mean to myself.

929
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:32,200
The things I would say to myself.

930
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:38,360
I'm like, and it's taken me this long because, because of the Baptist cult situation.

931
00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:39,360
Sure.

932
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:40,360
It's reprogramming, right?

933
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:41,360
Yeah.

934
00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:43,640
My dad wasn't that bad.

935
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:45,160
He was just my dad.

936
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:46,160
Yeah.

937
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:48,160
Just didn't know.

938
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:49,160
He was trying.

939
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:51,160
He was doing the best with what he knew.

940
00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:54,200
He was born in 1943.

941
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:55,600
Imagine what was going on then.

942
00:50:55,600 --> 00:51:02,160
I mean, I heard of the depression 20 years after, no, 10, 15 years.

943
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:03,800
After World War two.

944
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:06,280
No, that's one year.

945
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:10,320
That's after World War one because the 40s was World War two.

946
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:11,320
So 42.

947
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:12,320
Yeah.

948
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,320
That's what I'm saying.

949
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:14,320
Yeah.

950
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:15,320
There's a lot going on, obviously.

951
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:18,560
Uh, and I, I think I found out the same thing about my parents too.

952
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:23,080
You know, just really thinking about on it and thinking, you know, there's some things

953
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,040
they did out of spite and anger, but that's just because they're human like everybody

954
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:29,440
else, but it wasn't a continuous barrage of that.

955
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:33,000
And they were exactly doing the best with the cards that they were dealt, even though

956
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:37,560
they were trying to play poker with a pack of go fish cards.

957
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:42,920
It was, it was, they were still, you know, still sitting down to play the game for the

958
00:51:42,920 --> 00:51:45,360
most part.

959
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:50,080
But it doesn't answer my question on a scale of one to 10, how hard was it?

960
00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:52,080
Oh my God.

961
00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:54,440
Oh my God, a 10.

962
00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:56,640
It was 10 and 40,000.

963
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:58,600
It was, I'll tell you how much it was.

964
00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:04,920
It was 40,000 for me to travel and do all the things that I did and get the people that

965
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:12,480
were on the podcast and, and I paid to lives and, uh, just all kinds of hotel room.

966
00:52:12,480 --> 00:52:14,640
You just name it.

967
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:17,440
And all of that got me right here.

968
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:19,040
But you did it.

969
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:20,040
And I'm okay.

970
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:21,040
Yeah.

971
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:24,480
And I'm looking for more money because we're taking this.

972
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:26,680
This is going to be, this is for real.

973
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:29,360
10,000 while we step in on business.

974
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:31,520
It all came back around.

975
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:32,840
That's what I'm talking about.

976
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:37,920
If I could play that song legally at the end of the song, that would be the moment.

977
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:44,120
Uh, stupid, lysing, seeing and not being able to play the songs that I want.

978
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:47,640
Even if we played it now, let me see.

979
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:48,960
No, don't do it.

980
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:49,960
Don't do it.

981
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:53,240
If you ever want to get this thing on YouTube or anything like that, we got to be, we got

982
00:52:53,240 --> 00:52:54,240
to be prudent.

983
00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:55,640
We got to be on the up and up.

984
00:52:55,640 --> 00:52:56,640
We do.

985
00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:57,640
We do this the right way.

986
00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:58,640
Um,

987
00:52:58,640 --> 00:53:01,000
I know we really do.

988
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:02,000
But uh, all right.

989
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:06,360
Well, there is so much more that I would love to talk about.

990
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:11,200
I really would love to dig into, uh, if you're willing, some of the stories that you might

991
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:15,680
have pertaining to your sexual addiction, because I guarantee you as much as we want

992
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:19,000
to talk about, you know, being queer and everything unrelated to people, that's going

993
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:22,120
to relate to some people too, who are living in some serious shame right now.

994
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:23,520
Who may want to hear that.

995
00:53:23,520 --> 00:53:24,440
Do we have time?

996
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:28,680
Do you have time to stop this episode and then start another one?

997
00:53:28,680 --> 00:53:30,200
Not tonight.

998
00:53:30,200 --> 00:53:36,000
It's about to be a movie night with my loved one and what she calls hobo, hobo packs filled

999
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:39,720
full of vegetables and chicken that have been roasting in the oven and boiled this entire

1000
00:53:39,720 --> 00:53:40,720
time.

1001
00:53:40,720 --> 00:53:41,720
Oh my God.

1002
00:53:41,720 --> 00:53:42,720
I want the recipe.

1003
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:44,720
Tell her I want the recipe.

1004
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:46,240
I want to do it.

1005
00:53:46,240 --> 00:53:47,240
It's so easy.

1006
00:53:47,240 --> 00:53:48,240
It's so easy.

1007
00:53:48,240 --> 00:53:52,120
Olive oil, salt, pepper, any kind of, uh, hot spice that you want because you want a

1008
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:58,840
good, you know, good warm flavor in there, chop up potatoes, onions, chop up a raw chicken,

1009
00:53:58,840 --> 00:54:03,600
fold it up into a nice folded foil pack, put your oven on 375, cook it for an hour and

1010
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:08,520
a half, then like just check the, check your temperature of your chicken for you to eat

1011
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:09,520
it.

1012
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:10,520
It's so simple.

1013
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:11,520
It sounds amazing.

1014
00:54:11,520 --> 00:54:12,520
It's so simple.

1015
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:13,520
And this is something that's in her head.

1016
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:16,760
Like she's known this for ever since she was a little girl because of the camping that

1017
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:17,920
they used to do.

1018
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:19,560
And so I love it.

1019
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:20,560
Yeah.

1020
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:21,560
Oh, I love it.

1021
00:54:21,560 --> 00:54:24,840
She is full of so many cool things.

1022
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:29,440
However, all of all the cool things that she knows, and I feel like this is a good cap

1023
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:33,200
for the episode right now out of all the cool things that she knows, you know what she doesn't

1024
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:34,200
know?

1025
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:35,200
What?

1026
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:39,560
And this is a testament to just how, what she doesn't want to pay attention.

1027
00:54:39,560 --> 00:54:40,560
Yes.

1028
00:54:40,560 --> 00:54:42,320
I don't, she probably would go, I'm not pure.

1029
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:47,400
I'm like in the eyes of some people you are, you don't even know what only fans is because

1030
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:48,400
I love her.

1031
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:49,400
I told her that.

1032
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:50,400
And she's like, oh, cool.

1033
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:51,400
What's only fans?

1034
00:54:51,400 --> 00:54:58,080
And I'm like, you are a pure, gentle soul in this world and you don't need to know everything.

1035
00:54:58,080 --> 00:54:59,080
That is great.

1036
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:00,080
But that's older.

1037
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:07,040
But then again, I also told her that, and some people may not know this, but only fans

1038
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:13,280
was not necessarily made for the intention that it's mostly being used right now.

1039
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:17,920
But when people found out that you could put videos behind a paywall and escape any kind

1040
00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:23,400
of like getting canceled because of that, like people are paying to see it.

1041
00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:26,280
So it started being heavily used for that.

1042
00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:28,280
I, I direct tweeted them one time.

1043
00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:35,040
I was like, Hey, thinking about doing an only fans or people come to me for just whatever

1044
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:40,520
life advice that they have, and we'll sit there and just like talk about it one on one.

1045
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:42,080
And they're like, Oh, that's a great idea.

1046
00:55:42,080 --> 00:55:45,120
That's the kind of ideas that only fans was made for.

1047
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:46,680
Yeah, I kind of laughed.

1048
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,240
I didn't respond to them.

1049
00:55:48,240 --> 00:55:51,400
I'm like, well, I'm excited.

1050
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:54,880
Yeah, I'm excited for you.

1051
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:55,880
Thank you.

1052
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,480
I appreciate your kindness, Michael.

1053
00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:58,480
Long indeed.

1054
00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:01,480
Peace out and word to your mother.

1055
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:02,480
Indeed.

1056
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:03,480
Bye.

1057
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:04,480
Peace.

1058
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:05,480
Bye bye.

1059
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:06,480
Bye bye.

1060
00:56:06,480 --> 00:56:07,480
Bye bye.

1061
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:18,480
Bye.