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Darling, so are you welcome welcome to the bisexual coffee with Edith Ivey Rosenblatt and friends. These are my friends Sydney the non-binary chef and Michael Leblanc. He did not add his title. We'll just call him him.

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Yeah, that's fine. I'm a power puff girl villain first and foremost.

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Oh, I love it.

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There you go.

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Powder puff girl.

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Exactly.

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Welcome Sydney.

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Thank you.

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How are you both doing?

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I'm not going to lie. I am technologically flustered right now. My nothing seemed to work on my computer, but when I double checked on my camera on my computer, everything was nice and smooth.

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I'm like, you know what? I'm just going in with my phone.

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I hope you guys can hear me pretty well.

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Oh, we can hear you very well.

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Okay. Now here's here's the real test. Can you hear this?

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It's kind of loud.

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Can you hear that?

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Yes.

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Okay.

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Well then I can move the mic back just to make I didn't know how good it was going to be. It's plugged into my phone. Everything's running off battery power.

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Oh, that's awesome.

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We're going to clutch and pray today guys.

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We're going to clutch.

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We're going to clutch the pearls baby.

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Clutch them honey.

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But so I hope you're you're onboarding today was a lot smoother than mine.

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Yeah, we've been hanging out.

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That's good.

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That's good.

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That's good. I'm glad to hear that.

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That's great.

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So what's going to happen here is I'm going to let you guys talk and I'm going to pull up the Reddit that was supposed to be on my phone on the computer.

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We're just going to get this jazz going. How about them apples?

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All right. That sounds fabulous.

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I want to read something to Sydney, the non binary chef.

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Okay, Sydney.

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I got this from one of your videos and I was so touched that I wrote it all down and hopefully I read it eloquently.

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But I just I want I want to know how you feel about it because you did a video on it. Okay.

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So the thing that no one tells you is that the magic begins after you give up.

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This can happen in your 20s or 30s.

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It depends on how long it takes for life to exhaust you with its restrictions and rules.

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You just give up your pretenses.

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You give up caring what other people think you give up impressing others.

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You give up saying yes to things which are really a no.

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You give up playing the game.

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You shed the layer layer after layer of other people's influences.

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You give it all up willingly and underneath all you find is yourself, the self that is now free and you're finally ready to discover that is all you need to really be happy.

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So you did a video and you were really emotional about it and I just want to know what it means to you.

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So with that one, it's it cuts deep with me.

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I've been taught since I was a young age that I needed to keep quiet because I've got ADHD.

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I've always been hyper.

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I've always been out there.

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I've always been colorful.

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I've always felt who I am transitioning into since I was like very, very young, like I mean the preschool age.

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But I was always told to conform and fit into the certain area and growing up.

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I had a lot of pressure to be that cis straight white male and bought into all the everything toxic masculinity, you know, the men don't cry and men, you know, don't feel the feelings.

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And then when I joined the Marine Corps, I kind of got doubled down on that because the units that I was with initially it was Marines don't cry.

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We don't talk about feelings.

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And that's what initially took me down back in 2011 is I didn't know how to process the feelings and the emotions and the traumas that I was going through and that I had done through.

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And so I started using drugs to try and like hide that.

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And I created this entire persona based off of like Greek mythology.

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I used to go by the nickname Aries all the time.

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And I created this thing that no one could touch me knowing to get in.

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And I was just slowly destroying myself.

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And it wasn't until I hit a point where everything around me became so incredibly dark.

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I was so exhausted with running around trying to just numb myself out from everything I've ever been through.

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That I finally was just like, no one is coming to save me.

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No one's coming to give me a hug that I so desperately need.

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And it's my fault.

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And I took massive accountability, like radical accountability on everything in my life.

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Even the things that happened to me like when I was a kid or when I was a teenager that weren't my fault that they happened to me.

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But they were my responsibility to heal.

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And so for me, I dug down into the darkest pits because I had layered that little spark, that light that I was with so much darkness that I finally found myself.

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And I couldn't hit anything but rock bottom.

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The best thing about being rock bottom for me was I had something heavy to push my back up again so I could climb back.

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So it's been a long journey.

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I still have a long, long, long way to go.

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I still have a lot to learn, but I'm very happy that I'm wearing that now.

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Because I'm now not struggling as hard with the narcotics.

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I'm not struggling as hard with sex addictions or the alcoholism or anything else like that.

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I'm actually becoming a better me because I'm being more comfortable in my own skin and who I am.

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And I'm making those changes so that way I can live and feel okay with myself.

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That's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

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Wow.

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That's a story of the beginning of healing right there.

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I have to ask, because as the words poured out of you,

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how much have you talked about this with other people?

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Is this like an internal dialogue that you've just held on to?

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Have you shared this with other people before?

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So back in 2015, I started in a nonprofit fighting human trafficking.

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I've got a buddy who runs certain ministries out of Southern California.

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He showed me that entire world of fighting human trafficking and actually doing health and law enforcement.

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And then, hey, baby, I was like, okay, well, I want to join you.

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I want to do this.

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And I found out that me not talking about it or not talking about what happened to me as a kid kind of restricted me with getting in touch with some of the victims that we were dealing with,

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as well as like trying to like tell my story of why this is happening and why it's so important.

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You know, I was just another dude that was trying to help things.

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So that kind of broke me out into being able to talk about things all the way back then.

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And the more that I've been talking about it, especially the more than I'm finding myself,

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I've been public about it on my Tik Tok.

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I've been public about it on Facebook, I've been talking about with friends and family.

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You know, sometimes it's bitten me in the ass and sometimes people use that to try and weaponize against me.

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But I'm the one who told them and it's my history.

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And whether it's something that I did or something that happened to me, I'm not ashamed of it because that's who I was.

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It's the way I am now.

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And your tribe's going to find you, baby.

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We found you, honey.

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Yeah, I was noticing your how candid you were about your feelings and what was on your mind when I was going through your Tik Toks today.

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I was I wanted to have your face and kind of like your personality fresh and fresh in my mind before we started talking to you today.

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And you I like how you're not afraid to talk about what's bothering you.

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And I tell people all the time that, you know, the things that are bothering you are a lot smaller once they come out of your mouth.

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Keep them in their chest.

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And that's when they start tearing you apart.

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So, dude, I respect that.

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I really do.

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Thank you.

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It's scary because she's a motherfucker.

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Yeah.

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And it's taught.

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It's one of those things that you can you can turn on the television at any given point in time and the commercials, the ongoing commercials and the cars and the property and the pardon me.

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I worked my ass off my whole life to attain.

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It wasn't even my dream.

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This is my dream dream right here.

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Being with you all being here podcasting.

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Nice.

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Being queer talking to other the podcast we formed.

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I want you to know is for young people.

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So your story is being told and young people are listening to it and they're learning good things.

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Right.

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From this experience.

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Proper communication.

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I also want to point out that it's also for older people who are just now coming into their own skin as well, you know, young at heart.

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That's also important as well.

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That's me.

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I'm 55.

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Just so you know, I'm on the oldest one here, but I'm OK with it.

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Yeah.

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It's only back physically.

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It's fine.

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Yeah.

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So I just want to ask where are you in your healing journey?

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I mean, you don't you don't know us anything.

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OK, you don't know us anything.

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But I just want to know how you feel about how you've healed and where you believe you.

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So it's I.

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I have gotten like since what was it May of 22 was one of the main pinnacle like cannon events that I've had.

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I was using at that point and it took six police officers from Salt Lake City Police Department with guns drawn because I had said I was going to unalive myself via pop in the park and right at the time it was like, nope, we're not doing that.

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I got the voice and everything else and that's that's kind of like my darkest moment that I talked about earlier.

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And I was like, no one's coming to save me.

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And I got obsessed.

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Like I got like 24 seven obsessed with healing like all my entire tech talk feed, everything on Instagram, everything I was reading.

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I found an author like Jay Shetty.

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And I realized the more further down my journey that I've been going, even more into like EMDR therapy and everything that it's I am.

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If I were like an onion like this, OK, and like magnify this to the size of the world, I'm like this big that's much into it.

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I have so many more layers to go, but I'm actually processing and feeling my feelings and I'm controlling the reaction to my emotions, which is really good.

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And I'm practicing like a lot of detachment, mindfulness, but it's it's I've done I've done myself a huge favor by healing as much as I have.

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But it's going to be a constant thing.

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And it's just it'll that's a hard thing to say because if it was, you know, it's a never ending journey for me.

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So sure.

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I don't know.

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I don't know what EMDR is.

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I'll ask you to define it.

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I've learned a lot of therapy terms over the last couple of years.

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But what is that?

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So EMDR therapy in short is taking your physical body and taking like you reliving your trauma mentally and physically or mentally and emotionally and also like integrating some physical stuff.

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So they'll do this and you'll watch your finger go up and down while you think of a traumatic event where you'll sit there and do this and tap side to side while you're thinking about that traumatic event.

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They'll also got like these little vibrator things.

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And what that does is it takes your perspective of you reliving it in first person the way that you did whatever trauma it is.

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And it'll shift your perspective to over here or it'll shift your perspective to over here.

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And the more times that you do it, the more layers of emotions that you can come down from.

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So as we all like hate is.

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Hate and anger is a secondary emotion or a third emotion.

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And it'll help you get back down to like, no, I was really sad or I was really fearful in that moment.

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Why was I fearful?

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And then you can process through those in a faster rate.

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There's also ART therapy.

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It's not like art as in coloring, but it's accelerated a version of EMDR that does really big wonders.

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I haven't done that yet, but EMDR therapy has just been massive for anyone with like complex post-traumatic stress disorder or anything.

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Gotcha.

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Okay.

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Well, for somebody who was standing in the middle of the park and asking the cops to end them off,

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I imagine that that definitely falls under the area of trauma that needs to be dealt with.

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That's really interesting.

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I love learning about new therapy terms and whatnot.

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I've been a very big advocate for therapy over the last couple of years because I knew that I needed to go to therapy about three years ago.

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And that whole year I kept like every month was like, okay, now's the time I'm going to start.

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No, I'm not going to go.

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Now's the time I'm going to start.

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I kept going back and forth until I just got real with myself and realized I wasn't being the best person that I could be for myself or for the people who I love.

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I've just been open to pretty much, well, I'm open to what my therapist is going to give me,

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but I'm open to the ideas of other people's therapy and listening to their stories and whatnot because it's inspiring to me.

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I like hearing other people heal and then I get to be a part of their journey somehow by perpetuating their story and let people know that it's okay to get help.

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It's okay to talk.

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It is.

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It is so okay to talk.

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We've had so many great conversations and great people and everybody has a story.

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Everybody.

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No one is without that story, the one that brought them on the journey that they're on and it's trippy as hell.

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Yeah.

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I just wanted to...

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You guys are talking about therapy.

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So if you all don't mind, I have my therapy.

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I've been going to a therapist since I was nine and I've been neurodivergent forever and it came whenever my family went to church all the time.

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I had to tune that shit out.

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I had to find a way to go within my body and enjoy myself and be...

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I love strawberry shortcake.

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Hello Kitty.

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I would cut my hair.

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My parents hated that shit, but I would cut it.

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I would cut my bangs straight across or I'd get my dad's hair clippers and I would shave my head.

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I didn't think hair mattered.

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It didn't matter to me.

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In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't.

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It didn't.

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It didn't.

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That's what I'm telling myself as I'm losing my hair.

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It doesn't matter.

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It doesn't matter.

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It doesn't matter.

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No, if you're with a cool rockin', like you guys are cool and rockin' and when you're around the right people, you never have to feel you're unsober.

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Does that make any sense?

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Yeah.

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You never have to feel like you're not sober because you're allowed to be gay.

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You're allowed to be queer.

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00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:02,000
You are allowed to practice self-care however you want to practice it.

225
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,000
It's such a beautiful place to be.

226
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:12,000
I've spent the last three summers traveling and being alone and that has been my therapy right there.

227
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:18,000
No, I have my partner, but I'm telling you what, no phone calls, no friends.

228
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:26,000
Michael was there, but he did limit the texting and things because it's very easy to get addicted to your friends.

229
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That you love when you're trying to find yourself.

230
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:40,000
So that's what this woman, this they, them, I'm gender neutral too, but I'm female presenting, non-binary and I'm pan.

231
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,000
Nice.

232
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,000
Yeah.

233
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:50,000
I think that's the hardest thing is trying to be within yourself and trying to find yourself and be able to sit by yourself too.

234
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,000
That's immense.

235
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Congratulations on that.

236
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,000
Thank you.

237
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,000
Yeah.

238
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:01,000
As where my label is pretty simplistic, the one that I'm giving is just bisexual.

239
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:09,000
Like I, that's just how I identify as a dude who's bisexual, but that, that turn and becoming a piece of that.

240
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,000
Yeah.

241
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,000
Yeah.

242
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,000
But that term that came, I finally came to grips with it.

243
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:19,000
Probably I'd say within the last year, this is the first year that I went to Pride.

244
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:25,000
I've never, I haven't really hidden the fact over the last 10 years that I've been bisexual.

245
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,000
Like all my, all my social media stuff says that if they want to find it, they can see it.

246
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:41,000
But it's the first year that I really have just kind of been not necessarily screaming at everybody that I walk past, you know, but you know, I'm, I'm just, you know, being me.

247
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,000
Just feeling the groove.

248
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,000
You're feeling the groove.

249
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:55,000
Yeah. And one of the things that, that my therapist has asked me probably every time that we've seen over the last four times, she's like, so how is your journey into telling people that you're bi?

250
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,000
I'm like, well, it's not, it's not too much of a journey.

251
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:06,000
I mean, again, it would not, not that I hit it, but she was pretty happy to hear that I was going to Pride last month and went, I'm sure she's going to want stories and stuff about that.

252
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:18,000
With your therapy situation, you know, of course you're dealing with trauma and everything like that, but are they also addressing you being the best non binary chef out there that you can be?

253
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,000
Are they asking you about that?

254
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,000
A little bit.

255
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:33,000
I mean, I'm switching, I'm switching therapists right now on because I was doing talk therapy for a while since I've moved out here to Minnesota and I'm finding a therapist that's specific with EMDR and I know that's some stuff that we're going to be presenting with and talking about.

256
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,000
But in the past, I've kind of talked about it.

257
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,000
We've touched on it a little bit with my last therapist.

258
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000
They want to deal with more with the trauma type thing.

259
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:53,000
And I was asked by a therapist two times ago when I was in Utah, yes, me if I was actually transgendered or if I was actually non binary or like me actually being homosexual was not just an ADHD hyper sexuality.

260
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,000
I just want to get laid type thing.

261
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,000
And I'm like, no, this is really who I am.

262
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,000
And he said, well, what if, what if the transgender things just a trauma response?

263
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,000
That's not, you know, I mean, it got me thinking for like about two months.

264
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,000
But then I was like, no, I'm actually, I've always been this way.

265
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,000
This is, this is just who I am.

266
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:13,000
I've had some good reception to it that my doctors in the VA have always been really, really open to them.

267
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:18,000
We've talked about it a little bit, but we've never really gotten into, I guess, like full depth with it.

268
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,000
So, you know, I know people talk about gaslighting and things.

269
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,000
And but that's a real question.

270
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,000
That is a real question.

271
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,000
It's like, do you think it's from your trauma?

272
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,000
And I don't think any of it comes from trauma.

273
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:43,000
I think sometimes, you know, I know with my parents, I don't know about you two, but my parents would rationalize it the best they could.

274
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:49,000
She's this way because of I dealt with some in the church from the deacons there.

275
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
And I was very young.

276
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,000
And that does ruin you.

277
00:17:54,000 --> 00:18:05,000
But I think it brings out, it ruins you to the point that it brings you out faster because you when you deal with trauma, you want to seek relief.

278
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,000
You want relief from it, right?

279
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:13,000
And the best way to get relief, I believe, is being yourself.

280
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Yeah.

281
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:19,000
I mean, there's there's definitely something that he said about like trying to find that route and like being forced into it.

282
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:25,000
I'm especially being forced into a trauma where I like for me, when I was, you know, with my church and stuff, I went through something similar.

283
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,000
I was told that I couldn't be this way, that there were good men of God that we need to forgive them.

284
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:35,000
And I was like, but there's like certain things as I got older, I was like, well, I want to try this with guys in a rational way.

285
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,000
I want to try this with trans people and we're not rational way.

286
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,000
And like I experimented that I like all spectrums of people.

287
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:47,000
And it was because of that trauma, just like you that I was able to kind of find that path of being.

288
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:53,000
Omnisexual, you know, and being able to just like people no matter what they are and like being able to experience the physical ways.

289
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:58,000
I got to say that all in all, it feels very much like a chicken and egg type scenario.

290
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,000
Yeah.

291
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,000
Because because say that we didn't have the trauma.

292
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,000
And we'll never know because we can't we can't live split realities.

293
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:16,000
But say that we didn't have the trauma and then we still came out being having the sexual identity, the personal identities that we have and somehow able to talk to the person who did have trauma.

294
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:21,000
And kind of like just exchange notes, you know, and figure out exactly where the pathways went.

295
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,000
My brother loves having these kind of conversation.

296
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:31,000
He has them for every aspect of life is like, so what if you didn't meet so and so when you were 14 and I'm like, I don't know, I did meet them.

297
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,000
So here I am now.

298
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,000
That's a lot.

299
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:39,000
Yeah, he gets very introspective when he gets a couple of drinks in them.

300
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:46,000
But I've just been thinking my mom justified me coming out to her.

301
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:53,000
She justified my bisexuality because of a sexual assault that happened to me when I was young.

302
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,000
And she she paralleled to immediately.

303
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
She's like, that's what ruined you.

304
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
That's what caused you to go on this.

305
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,000
And then like we had like a couple of years and not talking and we came back.

306
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,000
It was just something that we did.

307
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:09,000
I would lay on her relevant, you know, relevant points of my life like, hey, mom, I'm Buddhist.

308
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,000
Oh, no, you're not going to heaven in a year and a half.

309
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000
I'm not talking. Hey, mom, a bisexual.

310
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,000
No, you're ruined another year and a half of not talking.

311
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000
But we would always come back.

312
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:27,000
But it's still if it's it's interesting to at least as a thought exercise, it is interesting to go if something didn't happen.

313
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:38,000
What would that be? But I don't entertain it that long because I've got too much reality to deal with to deal with to try to entertain the what ifs right now.

314
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:48,000
And the reality that I have meeting people like you, meeting new people in general, the job that I have, the openness that I have with my friends and family,

315
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:55,000
meeting new family that I would have never met before because I now feel comfortable enough to talk as myself to whoever I talk to.

316
00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:00,000
I might rather prefer that person even with any of the speed bumps that happened before I got here.

317
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,000
Yeah, it's how you define it.

318
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:07,000
Honestly, Sydney, it's how you define it. Leblanc, it's how you define it.

319
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,000
And Edith, I say that to myself every day and it brings me absolute peace.

320
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:18,000
It's however I want to define it and my life and my friends are in alignment now.

321
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:24,000
I am truly at the most peace after the fires in Rio do so.

322
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,000
I'll just tell you, I lived through family member passing.

323
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000
My stepmother had a stroke.

324
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,000
My dad has two fires.

325
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:37,000
I had to go to the Red Cross and live there for a couple of days.

326
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,000
And then I drove to Las Cruces and lived with a complete stranger.

327
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,000
It worked out perfectly.

328
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,000
She helped me get back to Rio do so.

329
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,000
Then I drove to Kansas City, stayed with that friend for two weeks.

330
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:56,000
And then when I got home, I was like, I am so I used to say shitty things about Florida.

331
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000
I said the shittiest things.

332
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,000
The worst things.

333
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
Florida sucks for gay people.

334
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,000
I said everything when I got home.

335
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,000
I was like, oh my God, I'm so glad to be back.

336
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,000
Nice.

337
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,000
Yeah.

338
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,000
Well, it's good. You know, you got your space.

339
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,000
You got your space and you came back to it.

340
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,000
You got to see other things.

341
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,000
You got to see if the grass was actually greener on other sides and whatnot.

342
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:25,000
And then you just realized this is like, oh my God, there's actually people out here and they're just they're just doing their own thing.

343
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,000
It's scary.

344
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Oh, shit.

345
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,000
Yeah.

346
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,000
So for the addict, I'm an addict as well.

347
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,000
So I was addicted to alcohol.

348
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,000
I was a sex addict, food addict, people addict.

349
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,000
You name it.

350
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:45,000
That's why I have to set these boundaries or else my life goes to utter chaos.

351
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,000
And I can't like you, Sydney.

352
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000
I'm just not functional.

353
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:55,000
And this podcast is so important to me that Michael, I just have to tell you real quick.

354
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,000
So Michael and I met, I don't, I don't know how long ago, but it flowed.

355
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,000
We were in a flow state.

356
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,000
Our friendship was immediate.

357
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:11,000
He helped me with text up, even if he just got on the computer and farted around with me for a few minutes and we didn't get it.

358
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,000
He gave me the gift of love.

359
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Number one, number two, he's a tech God.

360
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000
I swear to God, he's so much fun.

361
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,000
He's got me playing Minecraft too.

362
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,000
So we need to play.

363
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,000
We do.

364
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,000
We do.

365
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,000
And that's coming.

366
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,000
I just had to get a job, but that's a whole another story.

367
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:35,000
Sydney, Sydney, he friends with this, this man and go on his lives.

368
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,000
It is heartwarming.

369
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,000
If you're in a funk, it brings you out of the funk.

370
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,000
We play these games.

371
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,000
They're really retarded.

372
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:47,000
You know, you have to play them to absolutely believe them.

373
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Yeah.

374
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,000
Are you familiar with a jack box party at all?

375
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,000
Okay.

376
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,000
It's, it's, it's good.

377
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,000
Stupid fun.

378
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,000
It is.

379
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000
And it's been, it's been too long.

380
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,000
I've been, I've been doing other things.

381
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,000
It's been hard for me to get a Saturday up, but I'm thinking this coming Saturday.

382
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,000
Well, maybe not the Saturday.

383
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:08,000
There's a, there's a funeral that I'm going to on Friday, jumping right into the following Saturday.

384
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:15,000
And then we will be there because I got to, like, Sydney's got to see this.

385
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,000
This is so funny.

386
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,000
On totally down.

387
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,000
Totally down.

388
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,000
Okay.

389
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000
But this is the guy.

390
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,000
Okay.

391
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,000
I mean, just his content is great.

392
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,000
His voice is great.

393
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:31,000
We did a, an episode with freak base who you also have to meet.

394
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,000
Yeah.

395
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,000
Cool dude.

396
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,000
It's cool dude.

397
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,000
Very funky dude.

398
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000
It's fun.

399
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,000
Literally.

400
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,000
Yeah.

401
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:44,000
He's got like a Daft Punk meets the, the Cincinnati funk scene, like mashup hybrid type scenario.

402
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,000
He loops his music.

403
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,000
He just has like this elevated.

404
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,000
He's not white.

405
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,000
He's just not.

406
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,000
He's music.

407
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,000
I mean he's this guy, but he's not.

408
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,000
Dude, just walking music.

409
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,000
I'll be honest with you.

410
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,000
That's it.

411
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,000
There you go.

412
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,000
There you go.

413
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,000
If, if, if he was a D&D class, he would be, he'd be a bard.

414
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,000
He would definitely be a bard.

415
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,000
Oh shit.

416
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,000
Yeah.

417
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,000
Oh yeah.

418
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,000
Yeah.

419
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,000
So, uh, getting to him would be cool.

420
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:11,000
But we've got an interesting little collection of people that we have been gathering and

421
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,000
talking to.

422
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:16,000
And really this all comes down just to one person in my book, a guy named KJ Smith, who

423
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,000
is almost always in my lives and spreading his love and whatnot.

424
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,000
KJ is just amazing.

425
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:26,000
And so you can see his names, his name rolling around in my lives when I go live as well.

426
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:31,000
Now it's, this has been an interview that I know that Edith has really been looking forward

427
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,000
to as far as, you know, talking with you and whatnot.

428
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,000
How?

429
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:41,600
And we can cut this out if you want to, but how much do you want to talk about any active

430
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,000
addictions that you may have and how that's affecting your life right now?

431
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,000
Oh yeah.

432
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,000
No, I am totally open for this one.

433
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:52,000
Uh, talking that's, so I've been, I've been in 12 step programs like, uh, narcotics anonymous.

434
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,040
I've also worked some of the AA circuits and stuff like that because there's, they all

435
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:57,760
have their own personalities and stuff.

436
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,440
But, um, one of the big things in those programs is that you talk about it.

437
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:06,440
And the more you talk about it, um, the smaller that that problem becomes when it comes to

438
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:14,520
activities, when it comes to active addictions, my, my drug choice has always been my 10 times.

439
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:15,840
I love my stimulants.

440
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,440
I also have been like addicted to bath salts.

441
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:26,280
Um, I don't really have, here's where I kind of diverge from the 12 step is I don't have

442
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:32,600
a problem with alcohol in the sense that I can drink a beer and I can be okay with that

443
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,560
and like not touch it again for like weeks and weeks and weeks.

444
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:40,880
That being said, if I don't become in control of my own emotions, I can also drink an entire

445
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:44,120
bottle when I don't give a fuck and I want to.

446
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:47,840
I'm sure I've got to be very, very careful as to why, like what type of mentality I'm

447
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,000
in, if I'm going to be drinking.

448
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:56,200
As far as addictions, I did have a big run at March of last year.

449
00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:06,640
I, I spent about $2,000 worth of my tax return on a meth bath salts and fentanyl.

450
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:11,720
And after my birthday with my son on the 23rd of March, I spent about a week that really,

451
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,920
really fucked up and purposely overdosed.

452
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,120
And that's because Utah is kind of like the front lines of my trauma.

453
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,440
And I really, really suffer out there.

454
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,080
It's really, really hard for me to stay sober because there's just so many bad reminders

455
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,680
of trauma or mistakes that I've made or anything else.

456
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,120
So I got sober.

457
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:29,400
It's been April 14th of last year and I made it all the way until this year, March this

458
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,040
year and my son, there's some like family issues stuck.

459
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:35,240
My son started bailing at school and he started just kind of like pulling away from everybody.

460
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,600
I mean, he started kind of like fucking up his future plans for joining military.

461
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,960
So I was like, okay, I've got to pack up.

462
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,360
I'm out of Minnesota.

463
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,520
I drove back to Utah.

464
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,760
I was out there since March 16th for about two weeks on my basalts.

465
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:53,120
That was really, really hard for me because I missed two weeks worth of time with my son.

466
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,120
I'm alive.

467
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:56,080
Before that, we did get him back up to where he needed to be.

468
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,240
It was just too easy for me to access out there.

469
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,480
It was too hard for like the environment that I was in.

470
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:05,480
I kind of realized hanging back out with actual friends who were sober or who were sober,

471
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:11,000
the type of place that they were in in their lives and the type of person that I was attracting.

472
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:16,360
And I realized who those people were and how they were around me and how much of the people

473
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:21,320
pleaser I had become because I got a lot of Minnesota's changed you.

474
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,320
Like I don't like who you've become blah, blah, blah, blah.

475
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,560
And it's like, I was thinking about it was like, because I'm no longer fitting this mask

476
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,360
of what you want me to be.

477
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,440
I'm being myself.

478
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,120
And so that kind of hit and I had a lot of loss and stuff.

479
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:34,640
So I struggled a lot with that.

480
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,360
I still have those active thoughts about wanting to use even right now.

481
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:40,720
I know where to order it.

482
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:45,000
I know it takes almost like 10 days to get to my house from Spain.

483
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:49,600
I know that if I want to, I could go to any one place, any one street corner in the city

484
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,800
that I'm in and probably track down and, you know, and score some stuff.

485
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:53,800
And it's really hard for me.

486
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,040
So I've been getting back into the meetings.

487
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:57,480
I've been on online meetings.

488
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,720
I've got a sponsor out in California that I've been talking to.

489
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:01,840
I've been reworking the program.

490
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,440
I've been doing a lot more meditation, mindfulness, yoga.

491
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:09,080
I've got to reestablish my routine now that I'm back in Minnesota until I can get an income

492
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,160
or like a stable job versus just door dashing.

493
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,440
And I've got to make sure that I'm filing my day slot by slot of what I need to do.

494
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:21,200
Otherwise, I'm not, I could seriously screw up here, but it is easier out here than it

495
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,200
is in Utah.

496
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:23,200
Okay.

497
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,200
I totally understand.

498
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:25,200
Yeah.

499
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:26,200
Thank you.

500
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:31,320
One, because too many people get tight lit about their addictions and how they're feeling

501
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,120
about it and whatnot.

502
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:38,800
And that's what that's what makes the stigmas and that's what makes other people think

503
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,720
about their own addictions in the form of shame.

504
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:47,120
They can't build on it because it's just a swamp that they're constantly building on

505
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:48,120
and they're sinking in.

506
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,120
He'll be back.

507
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:50,120
It's fine.

508
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,120
He's the man.

509
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,440
He's looking at me.

510
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:53,440
He's frozen.

511
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:58,800
He's probably still talking though on his track because these are okay.

512
00:29:58,800 --> 00:29:59,800
He started a new track.

513
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:00,800
See who knew what happens.

514
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:01,800
I tried doing.

515
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:02,800
I did.

516
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:03,800
I did.

517
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:04,800
Look at that.

518
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,800
I did.

519
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:06,800
It's not open on mine anymore.

520
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:07,800
It's some funny shit right there.

521
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,320
Anyway, I hope that doesn't happen again.

522
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:15,560
But what I was going to say is, see if I could just hit roll right into it.

523
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:19,200
And so the other question that I have is you said that you have a sponsor all the way in

524
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:20,360
California.

525
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,000
Frequent is it for an addict?

526
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,680
You have a sponsor that is that far away.

527
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:31,920
So it's, I mean, kind of COVID kind of dealt with that type of stuff because they've like

528
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,800
the narcoticsanonymousna.org website.

529
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:39,000
They've got a list of meetings, most of them like around the clock that you can join any

530
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,240
one of those meetings.

531
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,800
It's just like going over to, you know, like your local area.

532
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,680
I don't know how frequent it is.

533
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:49,680
The first sponsor that I had out in Utah, he kind of pushed me towards doing a podcast

534
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:50,680
thing.

535
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,480
And I was like, why am I listening to a podcast when I'm supposed to be?

536
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:54,480
But whatever.

537
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,520
But I joined one of those rooms and like in the middle of the night, I just started talking

538
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:02,760
with these guys and like, you know, sharing my story of hope and on my journey.

539
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,160
And he reached out to me and he's like, you know, hey, he's like, you know, are you looking

540
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,160
for sponsors?

541
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,480
Would you, you know, here's the thing, if you're looking for sponsors, you've been in

542
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:09,480
the room enough.

543
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:10,480
Alexa, stop.

544
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:11,480
I apologize.

545
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:12,480
She's cool.

546
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:13,480
We like Alexa.

547
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:14,480
It is.

548
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:15,480
She did what she wanted.

549
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:16,480
She won't.

550
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:17,480
See, look at her.

551
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,240
She has to have the last word.

552
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:21,240
Exactly.

553
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,320
But he's like, you know, if you're looking for sponsors, I just asked in the next meeting.

554
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,880
So I asked in the next meeting and he's like, you know, he just kind of everybody's like,

555
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,440
oh yeah, no, I'm willing to, I'm willing to, I'm willing to.

556
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:33,040
And he was like, okay, cool, so I live in New South.

557
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:34,040
I was not a problem there.

558
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:35,040
I don't know.

559
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:36,040
It's not a problem at all.

560
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:37,040
So I started talking with him.

561
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:38,040
He was military too.

562
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:39,040
He was in the Marine Corps as well.

563
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,280
And we just kind of hit it off and he's been, he responds.

564
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:45,440
He does what he can when he can and it's been working out really well.

565
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:51,440
So I joined March of 2001 and I left March of 2009.

566
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,760
And then I'm a second generation in the military.

567
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:55,000
My dad was in the Army.

568
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,720
I'm not sure about his dad, but I think his dad was like a foreign army like in Poland

569
00:31:58,720 --> 00:31:59,720
or something.

570
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:00,840
Yeah, I mean, I enjoyed it.

571
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,640
I got out because it was one birth, one birth, they between two kids.

572
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:08,800
I mean, there's, there's a lot that happened, but there's a lot that also like I really,

573
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,800
I've got a lot, a lot of good lifetime friends for myself.

574
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:12,800
I feel you.

575
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:13,800
I love that for you.

576
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,000
The whole reason I wrote that book right there is because of my time in the military.

577
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:21,880
I was in the Navy for four years from 01 to 05.

578
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,520
And dude, I'm telling you, writing a book was one of the most cathartic things I think

579
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:26,520
I've ever done in my life.

580
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:27,520
Okay.

581
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:28,920
Can you show him the book, please?

582
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:29,920
Can you show him the book?

583
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:30,920
There he goes again.

584
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:32,920
See as he goes into the new screen.

585
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:33,920
I'm sorry.

586
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:38,920
It's like I got to get a camera.

587
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:39,920
Hold on.

588
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:40,920
That's okay.

589
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:41,920
Do your thing.

590
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:42,920
What a funny shit.

591
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:44,920
I'm sending this to him right now.

592
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:45,920
Beautiful.

593
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:46,920
He's the best.

594
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,920
He is the absolute best.

595
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,920
He's a good interviewer too, isn't he?

596
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:52,920
Yeah.

597
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:53,920
Yeah, he is.

598
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:54,920
Both of you are actually.

599
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:55,920
This is, this is.

600
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:56,920
Oh good.

601
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:58,920
That's what I wanted for you.

602
00:32:58,920 --> 00:32:59,920
Really?

603
00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:01,920
I love your sense of humor.

604
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:02,920
Thanks.

605
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:03,920
It's really dark.

606
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:04,920
It is good.

607
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:05,920
There he is.

608
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:06,920
What's happening?

609
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:11,920
It keeps telling me authorization failure and that I can't join that track anymore.

610
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:12,920
Anywho.

611
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:13,920
So this is my book right here.

612
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:18,920
I try not to advertise it every time, but it's a dink DND in the coffin hold of the

613
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:19,920
USS enterprise.

614
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:20,920
It's available on Amazon.

615
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:21,920
I could send you a link later.

616
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:23,920
It's also on my link tree.

617
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:24,920
Yeah.

618
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:29,920
But it was, it was a very cathartic experience for me to write a book.

619
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,920
I don't know if you're writing inclined.

620
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:32,920
I've been wanting to write for ever.

621
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:37,920
And I finally sat down to knock this out in a few months and then spent a year editing

622
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:38,920
it.

623
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:40,920
And then finally got it released a year later.

624
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:41,920
Great experience.

625
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:42,920
It took a village.

626
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:43,920
It was amazing.

627
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,920
And he's going to write another one.

628
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:45,920
I just have to say.

629
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:46,920
I am.

630
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,920
And it's not going to, it's not going to be a memoir.

631
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:53,920
It's a giant science fiction epic that I just started taking a look at my first draft last

632
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:54,920
week actually.

633
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,920
And we're going to be revisiting that this year.

634
00:33:57,920 --> 00:33:59,920
But exciting.

635
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:00,920
So March, huh?

636
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,920
A lot of things happen to you in March, man.

637
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,920
March seems to be a trigger month for you.

638
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:10,920
Like at times around your son, you were in and out of the Navy then and whatnot.

639
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:11,920
Do you feel that?

640
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:16,920
Do you recognize that how much has happened to you in March and how much that's probably

641
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,920
weighing on the back door of your psyche?

642
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:19,920
Yeah.

643
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,920
Well, so March was like between birthdays, I don't know.

644
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:27,920
It's, it's, I grew up in a household where like my parents, it was all about mom.

645
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:30,920
And if mom was happy, then we're all happy.

646
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:31,920
March was, it was my birthday.

647
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:35,920
I was allowed to be a little bit wild and a little bit, you know, type thing.

648
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,920
So I slowly learned to hate my birthday.

649
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:39,920
And then just completely disregard.

650
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,920
I just never wanted to celebrate and never wanted to be a thing until I did.

651
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,920
And then, you know, let the kids celebrate.

652
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:45,920
Cool.

653
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:49,840
But then my, my third marriage, we got married on my birthday, which is in the

654
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,840
state for anyone out there.

655
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,840
Don't fucking do that.

656
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:54,840
That's bad.

657
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,840
Because when that marriage didn't last, when that marriage didn't last, that was kind

658
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:03,520
of the, the total thing of like, I was doing good up until we had gotten out of John Wick

659
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,360
four and we were going to IHOP.

660
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,720
And I was like, I'm going to, this is going to be my last dinner with my son.

661
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:11,640
I'm going to go commit suicide.

662
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:16,640
I had Crips that night, which is again from IHOP is not the best dinner to have for your

663
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:17,640
last.

664
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:18,640
No, it's not.

665
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:22,640
Yeah, especially when you're lactose intolerant and have ice cream.

666
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:26,640
So you set yourself up.

667
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:27,640
I did.

668
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,640
It was, it was horrible all the way around.

669
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:33,120
But yeah, no, it was just, that was kind of like the last little bit of a trigger because

670
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:36,480
like, it's, I don't know, like another relationship.

671
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:41,440
I was allowed to have sex on birthday sex after we had finally gotten married and things

672
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:42,440
changed a lot.

673
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,520
And so I didn't want to deal with that because that became dramatic.

674
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:50,560
And there's, there's a lot of bad things that happen in March and it's something we work

675
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:51,560
through slowly.

676
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:56,520
We're going to try again this year that we're, I'm not going to utilize stimulants.

677
00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:57,520
Yeah.

678
00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:01,800
Um, or at least maybe just wines of pixie sticks and a bunch of rainbow.

679
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,200
So you're, you're going to go white bread and sugar, baby.

680
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,040
You're going to do something to change the narrative.

681
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,040
That's what it sounds like.

682
00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,760
Sounds like you're going to try to change the narrative, which is something that's

683
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:13,920
a dude, March is not good for me either.

684
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,120
My parents died in March six years apart.

685
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:19,960
And so as soon as March hits starting, I think it was like, uh, cause dad died, I think

686
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,720
two years ago, I, I just adopted the mantra.

687
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:23,880
Well, March sucks.

688
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:28,240
And then it was just like in a funk as soon as it rolled over to March one, you know,

689
00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:32,200
and, uh, it was, it was right after that, that I decided to see a therapist because I

690
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:38,000
was realized, well, I have just, I have condemned myself to be negative for an entire 31 days.

691
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,840
That is not, that's not the way I need to be.

692
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:46,720
And so we're, we're working on with, uh, anniversary, and, well, death,

693
00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:50,480
anniversary is in birthdays that we're going to change the narrative and we're going to

694
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,200
do something positive in the name of that.

695
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,960
And I, I just really can't log therapy enough.

696
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,160
Like I, I love it so much.

697
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:00,160
It's, it's hard.

698
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,320
Sometimes I feel just exhausted coming out of it.

699
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:05,880
Sometimes I'm thinking is how I need to take two months off, but then I'm like three weeks

700
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:10,880
away from like seeing my therapist and I'm like, I got some stuff I need to unload because

701
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:14,200
there are some things that are easier to say to a therapist than it is to say I loved one

702
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:19,040
and whatnot because in the back of your mind, you're thinking, I do not want to put everything

703
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,320
on my loved one, even though they may understand.

704
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,800
You know, it's, that's a good idea.

705
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:26,800
Michael.

706
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:31,800
And, and so I'm with my partner is a straight male.

707
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:38,000
And when we got together, well, I, I unloaded, I'm like, okay, I've never been this open.

708
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:41,400
I need to be very open about who I am.

709
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:48,680
So I was open about my addictions of my, my, my sex addiction and jumping like her pissed

710
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:54,520
off a shit, pack everything without him, gave him a kiss and drove away.

711
00:37:54,520 --> 00:38:00,880
Cause I didn't know why I was so mad, but it was my inner child mourning the relationship

712
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,480
because that in my book was it.

713
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:04,480
Yeah.

714
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:05,480
You follow me?

715
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,480
That was it.

716
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:07,960
It's compassion is huge.

717
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:13,200
For me, your words didn't show me any compassion.

718
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:15,480
Actions didn't show me any compassion.

719
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:20,800
The emotions come between a physical relationship with your partner and sometimes that could

720
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:25,760
be triggered either due to a lack of physical or you guys weren't just gelling emotionally

721
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,240
and it's, we weren't selling the money.

722
00:38:28,240 --> 00:38:29,240
Yeah.

723
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:33,280
It's all these, these, these, these tabs and slots that just have to line up just right

724
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:38,440
sometimes with a relationship and it's easier for I'll have to say that my, my second marriage

725
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:43,560
is definitely easier than my first when it comes to matching energies and being open

726
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:45,240
and understanding each other.

727
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:49,200
But I know that there's been plenty of times, especially in my first relationship where

728
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:53,640
like just anger and resentment built up because we weren't working on trying to align each

729
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,640
other at all.

730
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,960
Like it, we, we would just kept just assuming it's like, well, we're broken.

731
00:38:57,960 --> 00:38:59,200
I guess we're just going to stay broken.

732
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:00,200
Don't, don't do that.

733
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,520
Don't, don't adopt that mentality.

734
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:02,520
Don't do that.

735
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:03,520
It's a horrible idea.

736
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:07,040
Well, I can tell you, so I want to tell you what happened.

737
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,680
So I went through all that shit over the summer.

738
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:16,040
I went through the fires and the deaths and the strokes and my dad, I'm still going through

739
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:19,880
that and just all these things were happening.

740
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,400
The reason I would go to addiction, it always brought me comfort.

741
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:30,840
It soothed me in times where I felt the worst and I didn't know why I felt the worst and

742
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:32,680
I didn't know how to manage it.

743
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:37,280
So you can imagine this summer I felt like shit, but I was like, okay, I'm handling this.

744
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:38,280
It's not a thing.

745
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:39,520
It isn't a thing.

746
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,360
The universe has a story.

747
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,000
I just have to wait till the end.

748
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,000
It's like a book.

749
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,000
So I'm going to wait till the end, figure it out.

750
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,000
I get home.

751
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:49,000
We had broken up.

752
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,000
Okay.

753
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:51,840
We're still broken up, but I get home.

754
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,040
He's perfect to me.

755
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:54,040
No more misogyny.

756
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:55,880
He gives me my space.

757
00:39:55,880 --> 00:40:00,320
He's not up my ass constantly pointing out shit, telling me how annoying I am.

758
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:01,320
I know I'm annoying.

759
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:02,320
Okay.

760
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,320
I know.

761
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:09,600
What we've been trying to do here, Sydney, we've been trying to end our podcast by doing

762
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,320
a very popular thing right now and that's going to write it, finding a story that it

763
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:17,400
has to do about some kind of queer energy and just talking about it.

764
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:22,640
And I found one that is relatively long, but I think I can get through it pretty quickly.

765
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:27,320
It just, you know, we're just going to toss the story around after that.

766
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:32,080
So this is from Am I the Asshole?

767
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,000
Which is a very popular Reddit where people just ask that question.

768
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,000
Am I the Asshole?

769
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:41,240
After telling the story because they want to get a random group of internet people to

770
00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:44,200
tell them if they're an asshole or not.

771
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:52,680
So this comes from a 42 year old male and it's called Am I the Asshole for hiding a

772
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:54,520
past sexual from my wife?

773
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:59,480
I spent the summer on the early 2000s and my early 20s going to all the concerts I possibly

774
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:00,480
could.

775
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,880
The pop punk rock scene was at its peak and now is at the perfect age for it.

776
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:08,120
I spent every penny I made at my shitty job on live music or traveling to see music.

777
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,160
I'm sure no one familiar with the scene at that time would be shocked to hear I was hooking

778
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:12,600
up with a lot of people.

779
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:17,520
99% of said hookups were with women, but the culture of nonconformity made experimentation

780
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,680
easier and less daunting than it did in the real world.

781
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:24,480
Kissing Guys and Crowds was a favorite pastime of mine for a while until I met someone who

782
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:25,480
we'll call Max.

783
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:30,440
He and I immediately connected and we spent the next two weeks or so attached at the hip.

784
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:33,840
It's not something I would even accurately define as a relationship, hence the quotation

785
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:34,840
marks in the title.

786
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:39,200
It's just intense two weeks of us getting to know each other and going on road trips

787
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:40,200
and falling in love.

788
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,760
Now he thought we were better as friends and he wasn't sure that he was really into dudes

789
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:44,760
at the time.

790
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,720
It was the most profound hurt I had ever had in my life.

791
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:50,560
It really shocked me when he told me that I had been in relationships for real ones

792
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:55,120
that included commitment and lasted for months, but I never had another relationship after

793
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:56,840
that, not with a man anyway.

794
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,880
It felt like that level of hurt was my warning sign to stay away.

795
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:03,520
Now I'm old, married and most of my music enjoyment these days come from the form of

796
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:08,240
me sitting at home listening with a glass of wine as opposed to sweltering crowded venues

797
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:09,680
or summer spaces.

798
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:13,880
At 43, I feel that as soon as I hit 40, I'm like, I'll do concerts, but I'm only sitting

799
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:14,880
in the yard.

800
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:22,000
I have two amazing children and most of my time in brain power has been spending on how

801
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:26,240
I can be the best dad to them and how to raise good humans in the scary world we live in.

802
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:27,240
Max and I are still friends.

803
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:31,120
He lives nearby with a lovely family of his own and we see each other fairly often.

804
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:34,000
We're all friends, including our wives, their friends as well.

805
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:37,760
Recently while going through some old stuff, I found photos of Max and I wearing the eyeliner

806
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:40,440
during the heyday that had been tucked away.

807
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,800
When his family came over, I pulled them out to show everyone.

808
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:47,160
We all had a bit to drink and Max said something along the line of, look, it's us in our bisexual

809
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:48,160
phase.

810
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,560
I can tell my wife's demeanor changed.

811
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:54,360
And once we were alone later that night, I was all but interrogated over it.

812
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:59,040
I told her it was a brief two week fling and then I don't identify as bisexual these days

813
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,600
or when I met her, but that didn't seem worth mentioning.

814
00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:05,240
She said that I broke her trust by hiding this and she needs some time to think about

815
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,240
things.

816
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:08,840
This all happened on Friday night and things are incredibly tense between us.

817
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,720
I'd like some advice or reinsurance.

818
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:14,480
And one of the questions that were asked a lot is like, why are you still friends with

819
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,000
Max if you don't have anything?

820
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,480
It's like, he's a cool guy.

821
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:23,560
I believe what he said is he is the sweet spring and sweaty skin of my friendship when

822
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:25,560
it comes to all of my friendships.

823
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,400
And I'm like, that's poetic.

824
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,400
There are no mistakes.

825
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,680
If you all don't mind, I'd like to go first.

826
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:31,680
Go for it.

827
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:33,200
As the only woman on our podcast.

828
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:34,440
So wait, what?

829
00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:41,720
I'm going to get it as the only female presenting human on our podcast.

830
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:42,720
Yeah.

831
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:48,440
I honestly believe love is love and I've fallen in love with people in five minutes.

832
00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:49,440
I can do that.

833
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,160
I, Sydney, I love your face.

834
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:55,200
I look at your face and your teeth and your smile and it makes me happy.

835
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,160
Michael LeBlanc, I do the same.

836
00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:02,320
Your cheeks, your lips, your beard, your eyebrows, everything about your face.

837
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:03,920
I can do that.

838
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:08,720
I can appreciate someone and not take from, I don't have to take from you, Sydney.

839
00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:09,840
I can love you.

840
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,480
Michael, the same is true.

841
00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:13,080
I don't need to take from you either.

842
00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:17,240
I tell humans all the time I love them because I know for a fact that they probably haven't

843
00:44:17,240 --> 00:44:19,520
heard that as much as they probably want to in their lives.

844
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:20,520
Exactly.

845
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:21,520
I feel the same way.

846
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:24,440
The wife is just coming from a place.

847
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,720
She doesn't know why he would need to do that.

848
00:44:26,720 --> 00:44:29,300
She's not coming from a place of understanding.

849
00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:30,920
She's coming from a place of fear.

850
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:31,920
Yeah.

851
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:38,880
In that moment, I believe he should take her in his arms if he can and just hold her and

852
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,000
just say, look, I'm here.

853
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:42,000
We're together.

854
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:43,000
We have children.

855
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,400
Let me bring you back to today where we're a unit.

856
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:47,920
You don't have to worry.

857
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,480
And Max is just a true friend.

858
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:54,880
You know, words mean so much, especially with the intent.

859
00:44:54,880 --> 00:45:01,520
If the intent is pure, it will come across and then the other person will feel comfortable.

860
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:06,080
That's why we have so many addicts is because people are getting impatient with them and

861
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:07,840
frustrated in your shit.

862
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:09,520
And why are you acting this way?

863
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,640
And why are you drinking that?

864
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,280
And why would you put that in your mouth?

865
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:14,560
And why would you put that up your nose?

866
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:20,280
Because it relieves the pain that we have acquired through life.

867
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,960
Some people don't even get it ever.

868
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:29,840
Some people can't think about feeling so closed up and needing the most spectacular, colorful

869
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,760
escape that they can get.

870
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:32,760
Screw the feelings at the moment.

871
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:33,760
It's not about the moment.

872
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:35,040
It's about getting away from the moment.

873
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:36,040
Would you agree?

874
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:37,040
Yeah.

875
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,040
Yeah.

876
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:39,040
Yeah.

877
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,040
That was a percent.

878
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:41,040
That was a percent.

879
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:46,200
And I got a hand at to Max, like just being open with OP here, an original poster and just

880
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:51,360
going at that time going, hey, this was cool, but, you know, this isn't this isn't where

881
00:45:51,360 --> 00:45:52,600
I see me going.

882
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:57,400
And the fact that they have, you know, a friendship, you know, past that point just shows that,

883
00:45:57,400 --> 00:46:01,360
you know, they had two just good hearts just willing to talk to each other.

884
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,360
They're evolved.

885
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:06,040
Look, the human touch is amazing.

886
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:07,040
It is amazing.

887
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:08,040
That's why it's addicted.

888
00:46:08,040 --> 00:46:09,040
Okay.

889
00:46:09,040 --> 00:46:12,560
You know, and Michael, we talked about touch.

890
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:17,480
We talked about erogenous zones and we talked about all of those things.

891
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:18,480
And yeah.

892
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:20,880
And it's just such a beautiful thing.

893
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:21,880
Right.

894
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:22,880
It is.

895
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,360
That's why we want more.

896
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:25,360
Yeah.

897
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:26,360
Like little piggies.

898
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,240
And Sarah Tonan, right?

899
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:29,240
Isn't that the cuddle?

900
00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:30,240
Yeah, I think so.

901
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:31,240
Right.

902
00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:37,280
And that's when skin on skin contact releases serotonin in the brain.

903
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:38,960
There's a drug you should try.

904
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:40,440
Just do nothing but serotonin.

905
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:42,440
Just not too strict.

906
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:44,640
Just as high as you may.

907
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,960
I know you may like that shit.

908
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:51,120
So there is, I didn't see this until I just scrolled all the way down, but there is an

909
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:52,120
update.

910
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,960
If you guys are interested real quick.

911
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:58,840
Do you have anything to say about the original post Cindy before we go into this one?

912
00:46:58,840 --> 00:46:59,840
I don't know.

913
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:05,720
So I'm a little bit conflicted on it because like I understand that not everyone has a little

914
00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:08,840
bit of rainbow spicy to them.

915
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:09,960
And they kind of want to avoid it.

916
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:14,520
So I understand on her end why she would be pissed because the entire informed consent

917
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:20,400
thing, but also at the same time, that's also a past thing and a past relationship and not

918
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:22,480
who she knows him to be now.

919
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:26,800
So at the same time, I understand your anger, but also get the fuck over it.

920
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:27,800
Like, I don't know.

921
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,160
The comments were pretty much following along the same thing.

922
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:34,280
The first couple of ones were just saying he was an asshole for not disclosing that.

923
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:38,480
But also, like if you're such a different person and you're not even thinking of yourself

924
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:43,640
as bisexual, that you're only thinking of like looking for the opposite sex or whatever

925
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:45,120
it is that you're looking for.

926
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:51,120
And then you find that both of you are in for them heterosexual passing, you know, relationship.

927
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:52,120
Why even bring it up?

928
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:58,720
Like, there are certain things, like I haven't told Marley like every little like friendship

929
00:47:58,720 --> 00:48:00,920
that I've ever had because that's not important.

930
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,240
You know, it's not who I am right now.

931
00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:06,840
So like I said, a little bit of confliction in there and took.

932
00:48:06,840 --> 00:48:13,840
If I did it again, I have to tell you guys now that I'm 55, life looks a lot different.

933
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:14,840
Okay.

934
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,840
The patriarchy is not fuck the patriarchy.

935
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:18,840
Number one.

936
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:22,240
I'm just going to tell me what kind of woman I should be.

937
00:48:22,240 --> 00:48:24,960
No, I am telling everyone else.

938
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:32,400
So they're in a marriage, which there's a contract, there's expectations, there's all

939
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:33,400
these things.

940
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:38,720
But by the time you get to my age, my ex-husband and I talk and we've grown so much, we still

941
00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:40,880
love each other very much.

942
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:43,560
But life looks different at this age.

943
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:46,040
It's more acceptance, more release.

944
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:47,040
That's true.

945
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,040
That's true.

946
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:50,200
So I don't know much of the other stuff.

947
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:53,400
There could have just been as soon as he was done with that, like society was like, we

948
00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:54,400
don't want to hear about it.

949
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:55,400
He's like, well, no one wants to hear about it.

950
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:56,400
I'm just not going to tell anybody.

951
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,400
You know, it could have been that.

952
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:03,960
What's the point, you know, bringing up fear and things, putting fear into your relationship?

953
00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:06,240
Yeah, it's, it can be poison.

954
00:49:06,240 --> 00:49:08,320
So let's see what came of it.

955
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:12,520
I appreciate everyone's comments on what I posted here, constructive or otherwise.

956
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:13,520
That's right.

957
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:14,520
It's for you.

958
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:16,800
I'm always down for discussion and to hear different points of view, even if it's been

959
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:20,040
a weird week of self reflection, it's always a positive thing.

960
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,200
The unrested confusion or growing points.

961
00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:25,920
There have been lots of conversations and lots of parties over the last few days, lots

962
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:26,920
of parties.

963
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:30,920
The most enlightening for me was between myself and Max's wife, who we can call Christy.

964
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:34,240
She's been a close friend of mine for over a decade and we have a real heart hard by

965
00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:38,040
how I've been feeling, how she and Max handle things in the past and steps to take moving

966
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:39,040
forward.

967
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:42,840
It's equal parts through love and comforting, both of which were much needed.

968
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,240
Christy's a badass and someone who I respect a ton.

969
00:49:46,240 --> 00:49:48,600
It's been a running joke amongst our family and friends.

970
00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:53,960
We have no idea how Max managed to get stuck with two of the loudest people as a best friend

971
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:56,280
slash partner duo since he's so quiet.

972
00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:58,080
Well Christy and I are just not.

973
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,240
He's always been effortlessly cool.

974
00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:03,200
He was somehow above it all and in the thick of it all.

975
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:07,200
You get him fully when he becomes a friend and that trust felt like a sacred gift.

976
00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:10,680
These things are a little different now with all our collective 20s behind us.

977
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:11,680
It's different now.

978
00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:16,880
We're so sweet to see how easy smiles are earned and how easily smiles are earned these

979
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:21,040
days among our little circle now that we've both become dads and huge softies.

980
00:50:21,040 --> 00:50:25,520
This through love and preparation with Christy led to a conversation with my wife where we

981
00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:28,600
just laid down a game plan on how we were going to move forward.

982
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:32,400
She's rightly, rightfully very hurt that I kept this past relationship from her.

983
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,720
One of the first steps of this whole thing was me admitting as many times as I told

984
00:50:35,720 --> 00:50:37,840
myself that it just didn't come up.

985
00:50:37,840 --> 00:50:39,640
That wasn't exactly the truth.

986
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,000
The only way for it to come up was for me to bring it up and I avoided it.

987
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,720
So of course the action right now is to start couples therapy and individual therapy for

988
00:50:46,720 --> 00:50:47,720
me.

989
00:50:47,720 --> 00:50:51,200
I've got shit to talk about in a third party unbiased person sounds like a dream.

990
00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:52,200
Damn straight.

991
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:53,200
So there you have it.

992
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:54,200
No divorce.

993
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:56,160
No divorces or crazy curve balls.

994
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:57,800
Just two people working through their shit.

995
00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:00,640
I'm very lucky to have so much unwavering support in my life.

996
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:01,640
How special is it?

997
00:51:01,640 --> 00:51:03,640
I have to get two families instead of one.

998
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:05,280
That's twice the love for sure.

999
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:06,640
So that sounds really good, right?

1000
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:07,640
Absolutely.

1001
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:08,840
This is the first comment.

1002
00:51:08,840 --> 00:51:12,600
I skipped ahead and read this and I wanted to see why they said this first.

1003
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:13,600
Personally I don't see it.

1004
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:19,160
It says, OP, you are so blatantly manipulative trying to frame this like your wife has issues

1005
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:20,160
with your bisexuality.

1006
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:24,640
It sounds like he was being really real in the post for me.

1007
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:29,000
But even though you put your relationship in quotation marks, you've kept regular contact

1008
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:31,000
with Max over the past 20 years.

1009
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:35,160
Only now you disclose that he's your ex and you have the terminity to wonder why she takes

1010
00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:36,160
issue with this.

1011
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:37,640
100% the asshole.

1012
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:40,920
Why would you just first speak to Christy and then your wife?

1013
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:44,720
Why is there a heartfelt paragraph about what she means to you and nothing about your wife?

1014
00:51:44,720 --> 00:51:46,040
Just nasty stuff all around.

1015
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:49,400
Boy, that's very laden and full of shit, isn't it?

1016
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:50,400
Yeah.

1017
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:51,400
I'll be honest with you.

1018
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:55,440
Let me feel some guilt and shame over some shit I did.

1019
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:59,560
It was decades ago and it was only two weeks.

1020
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,240
People are not being nice to him at all.

1021
00:52:02,240 --> 00:52:03,440
I would keep going.

1022
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:06,040
I'm seeing things of he looks himself more than anyone else.

1023
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,520
I'm not getting that from them at all.

1024
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:12,880
And the fact that he's even to do a couple therapy is a larger step than any other couple

1025
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:19,320
normally does because there's so much guilt, fear and anger that's pointed towards themselves

1026
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:22,760
that they don't to release that and scare away somebody.

1027
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:28,760
I really hope him, Max Christy and his unnamed wife who he didn't talk a lot about.

1028
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:32,880
But to be fair, he was talking about something internal.

1029
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:34,360
I wish them all the luck.

1030
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,600
Well, you know what?

1031
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:38,760
I'm bringing up my age again.

1032
00:52:38,760 --> 00:52:40,080
You just get here.

1033
00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:41,080
I'm so lucky.

1034
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,040
I didn't even think I was going to make it to 40.

1035
00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:44,240
Man, look at you now.

1036
00:52:44,240 --> 00:52:47,480
So there's not one argument I want to have.

1037
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:49,520
There's not one point I want to prove.

1038
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:51,720
I don't want to change anybody's mind.

1039
00:52:51,720 --> 00:52:53,480
I don't feel like hurting anyone.

1040
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,440
My intentions are always good.

1041
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:57,520
I do the very best that I can.

1042
00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:02,680
I love 150% with every soul of my being.

1043
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:03,920
Okay?

1044
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,800
That gives me peace right there.

1045
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:07,480
All that brings peace.

1046
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:08,480
That's good.

1047
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:12,880
I live with somebody who arguments are kind of a love language because if I'm, everything

1048
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:15,680
is okay, then something is wrong.

1049
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:17,760
And so she puts that out there.

1050
00:53:17,760 --> 00:53:18,760
She puts that out there.

1051
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:19,760
She's real with me.

1052
00:53:19,760 --> 00:53:20,840
She lets me know that.

1053
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:25,120
And so, you know, I look for those little signs where she, it's not real anger.

1054
00:53:25,120 --> 00:53:28,560
There's no animosity in it, but I just know it when sometimes.

1055
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:29,560
Right, it's just frustration.

1056
00:53:29,560 --> 00:53:32,120
Yeah, sometimes I was like, oh, so this is what we're doing.

1057
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:34,240
We're going to yell about a subject now.

1058
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:35,560
All right, let's do this.

1059
00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:40,520
But so, you know, there is a place for a little back and forth, you know, because not all

1060
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:41,720
of it has to come from anger.

1061
00:53:41,720 --> 00:53:46,720
Not all of it has to come from wanting to be right, which I'm saying that from a place

1062
00:53:46,720 --> 00:53:49,040
of growth as well, because I used to think that.

1063
00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:52,000
I used to think every argument was I need to find the upper hand.

1064
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:53,400
I need to come out on top of this.

1065
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:55,520
And that was just not healthy.

1066
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:57,520
Don't be like that.

1067
00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:58,520
No.

1068
00:53:58,520 --> 00:53:59,520
No.

1069
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:04,240
No, and I'll just be over here with my vibrator in my cat.

1070
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:06,600
Yeah, that's all you need.

1071
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:07,600
That's it.

1072
00:54:07,600 --> 00:54:08,600
Yeah, exactly.

1073
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:10,720
I have a couple.

1074
00:54:10,720 --> 00:54:12,360
I actually, okay.

1075
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,000
So I know we're winding down, but I have to say real quick.

1076
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:22,360
So I did a podcast, dinner wishmucks, and we had a guy that would he sent us dildos.

1077
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:25,440
Like we must have had 50 dildos.

1078
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:29,200
Like every size that they stick on the wall.

1079
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:30,200
Really stick in the shower.

1080
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,200
Oh, those are the best guys.

1081
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:34,320
I mean, like it was, it was ridiculous.

1082
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:35,320
No vibrators.

1083
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:40,200
So fuck that guy.

1084
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:44,600
So I had this, I had this black dildo.

1085
00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:45,600
Yeah.

1086
00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:47,720
Yeah, that's, that's a lot.

1087
00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:51,680
Oh, that's like three times the size of your head.

1088
00:54:51,680 --> 00:54:52,680
That's right.

1089
00:54:52,680 --> 00:54:54,040
I couldn't have done anything with that.

1090
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:57,200
I showed it to friends and they looked at me like I was crazy.

1091
00:54:57,200 --> 00:54:59,320
So I was going to wash my car.

1092
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:05,080
I put this big black dildo in my, in my passenger seat and I drove to wash my car.

1093
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:10,280
So I washed and vacuumed my car and then I stuck the dildo right on the wall of the

1094
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:11,280
car wash.

1095
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:12,280
Yes.

1096
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:13,280
So it would just protrude out.

1097
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,720
I might have to do it as the cover for the podcast.

1098
00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:20,520
I feel like that's a good, I feel like that's a good ending question.

1099
00:55:20,520 --> 00:55:25,480
Who here has ever bought a dildo that was the right size for your eyes, but not the

1100
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,520
right size for anything else, like way too big.

1101
00:55:27,520 --> 00:55:28,520
Oh yeah.

1102
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:29,520
Yeah.

1103
00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:30,520
Come on, Sidney.

1104
00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:31,520
Come clean.

1105
00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:36,840
And every, every, every, every dildo that I have bought has been the right size for

1106
00:55:36,840 --> 00:55:40,080
my eye or it becomes the right size for my eye.

1107
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:44,600
Fun fact though, I do actually have two sets of toys, of adult toys.

1108
00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:48,320
So I've got the one for, you know, playtime for me and, you know, whatever partner I've

1109
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:52,960
got and stuff, but I've also got an entire other because I used to have a channel.

1110
00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:54,200
It's getting relaunched.

1111
00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:57,360
It's gonna be on OnlyFans where I teach people how to cook.

1112
00:55:57,360 --> 00:55:58,360
Yay.

1113
00:55:58,360 --> 00:55:59,360
Oh, I love that.

1114
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:00,360
But you're naked.

1115
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:04,560
Just like you had that big, no, I mean, the last time I wasn't, maybe this time, but the

1116
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:09,240
last time I had like one of those big black dildos, the huge ones is about that big around

1117
00:56:09,240 --> 00:56:10,240
10 pounds.

1118
00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:15,160
That is my rowing pin for my, I've got a huge horse cock that's got like a little, the

1119
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:17,280
come tube thing in it with a little syringe.

1120
00:56:17,280 --> 00:56:19,560
That is what I use for all of my condiments.

1121
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:21,560
That's, I love you.

1122
00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:22,560
That's beautiful.

1123
00:56:22,560 --> 00:56:25,000
It's, yeah, I'm going to be relaunching that here.

1124
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:26,000
That's great.

1125
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:30,600
When I have the availability to do it and kids are in the house and I can cook upstairs

1126
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:31,600
and do the thing.

1127
00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:32,600
I want to see.

1128
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:33,600
Yeah.

1129
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:34,600
It's fun.

1130
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:38,800
There's not, there's something that we can push on a future podcast right there is like,

1131
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:42,200
all right, so we're just gonna, we're just gonna watch a couple of these videos.

1132
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:46,800
Just start silence and all you hear is, you just hear it like, dude, it's all right.

1133
00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:48,320
We really got to loosen up this dough.

1134
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:49,320
Just give me one second.

1135
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:57,280
Oh my God, I wanted to start an only fans.

1136
00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:58,280
We'll have to talk later.

1137
00:56:58,280 --> 00:56:59,280
We'll have to talk later.

1138
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:04,280
You know, I'm down for a dollar.

1139
00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:07,280
I'm your Jewish grandmother, honey.

1140
00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:08,280
All right.

1141
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:10,840
So how should we end this?

1142
00:57:10,840 --> 00:57:11,840
Yeah.

1143
00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:12,840
How do we end this?

1144
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:13,840
Peace out.

1145
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:14,840
We're to your mom.

1146
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:15,840
Yeah.

1147
00:57:15,840 --> 00:57:16,840
I don't know.

1148
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:17,840
Don't do drugs.

1149
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:18,840
Drink your milk.

1150
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:19,840
Okay.

1151
00:57:19,840 --> 00:57:20,840
Bye.

1152
00:57:20,840 --> 00:57:21,840
Yeah, that too.

1153
00:57:21,840 --> 00:57:22,840
That's all right.

1154
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:25,280
I love you both with all my heart.

1155
00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:26,280
Peace out.

1156
00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:27,280
Word to your mom.

1157
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:29,280
I'm going to go drink some tea again.

1158
00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:30,280
Damn you.

1159
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:31,280
I'll be in your damn honey.

1160
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:32,280
I'm your Jewish grandmother.

1161
00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:33,280
Bye guys.

1162
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:34,280
Bye guys.

1163
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:50,280
Bye guys.