WEBVTT

00:00:01.419 --> 00:00:04.500
In a world of change, where do you belong? The

00:00:04.500 --> 00:00:07.280
answer's clear, it's time to be strong. Mindful

00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:09.660
growth, that's where we thrive. With Angela's

00:00:09.660 --> 00:00:12.259
guidance, watch your best self arise. Transform

00:00:12.259 --> 00:00:17.480
with strong, reach for the stars. Resilient minds,

00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:22.399
that's who we are. No weakening potential, near

00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:28.559
and far. Angela, our strong. Welcome to episode

00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:32.310
6 of Transformation Talks. with Angela Armstrong

00:00:32.310 --> 00:00:36.229
in Power Dead Season. I am Angela Armstrong,

00:00:36.350 --> 00:00:40.390
and today we're talking about one of the most

00:00:40.390 --> 00:00:43.890
important aspects of self -care, and that's boundaries.

00:00:45.329 --> 00:00:49.509
If you've ever felt guilty for saying no, worried

00:00:49.509 --> 00:00:52.909
about disappointing others, or you found yourself

00:00:52.909 --> 00:00:55.670
constantly drained by other people's demands,

00:00:56.450 --> 00:01:02.369
this episode is so for you. We're going to reframe

00:01:02.369 --> 00:01:04.989
boundaries from selfish barriers to essential

00:01:04.989 --> 00:01:11.409
self -care practices today. I know for me, for

00:01:11.409 --> 00:01:16.810
most of my life I was a chronic people pleaser.

00:01:17.469 --> 00:01:20.569
In the military, I said yes to every assignment,

00:01:21.150 --> 00:01:24.170
every extra duty, every volunteer opportunity,

00:01:24.730 --> 00:01:28.340
every request for help. And I thought this made

00:01:28.340 --> 00:01:31.140
me a good leader and a valuable team member.

00:01:31.900 --> 00:01:36.480
But what it actually made me was exhausted, resentful,

00:01:36.500 --> 00:01:41.420
and eventually I burnt out. The wake up call

00:01:41.420 --> 00:01:44.980
came during my final year of service. I was dealing

00:01:44.980 --> 00:01:47.599
with my own crisis, but I was still trying to

00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:51.120
fix everyone else's problems. Still saying yes

00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:55.040
to requests that I had absolutely no capacity

00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:59.400
for. Still putting everyone else's needs before

00:01:59.400 --> 00:02:07.439
my own. One day, someone asked me to cover something

00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:11.259
for them. Again, and I automatically start to

00:02:11.259 --> 00:02:16.379
say yes. Then I stopped. I realized that my inability

00:02:16.379 --> 00:02:19.400
to set boundaries wasn't helping anyone. Definitely

00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:23.770
not myself. I was showing up half present. half

00:02:23.770 --> 00:02:28.110
resentful, and half effective. That's when I

00:02:28.110 --> 00:02:30.169
learned that boundaries aren't walls that keep

00:02:30.169 --> 00:02:33.610
people out. They're gates that let the right

00:02:33.610 --> 00:02:40.629
things in. Let's start by clearing up some misconception

00:02:40.629 --> 00:02:45.449
about boundaries and what they are and what they

00:02:45.449 --> 00:02:51.610
are not. Boundaries are not selfish or mean.

00:02:52.430 --> 00:02:57.490
permanent walls, punishments for others, signs

00:02:57.490 --> 00:03:04.150
of weakness, ways to control other people. Boundaries

00:03:04.150 --> 00:03:10.250
are self -respect and action, energy management

00:03:10.250 --> 00:03:15.330
tools, clarity about your values and your limits,

00:03:16.889 --> 00:03:19.430
ways to show up more fully for what matters.

00:03:21.030 --> 00:03:26.610
invitations for others to respect you. Think

00:03:26.610 --> 00:03:29.849
of boundaries like walls of your house. They

00:03:29.849 --> 00:03:33.110
don't exist to keep everyone out. They exist

00:03:33.110 --> 00:03:36.969
to create a safe space where you can rest, recharge,

00:03:37.069 --> 00:03:41.389
and be yourself. You get to decide who comes

00:03:41.389 --> 00:03:45.849
in, when they come in, and what happens in your

00:03:45.849 --> 00:03:50.090
space. There are several types of boundaries.

00:03:51.250 --> 00:03:54.750
There are physical boundaries, your personal

00:03:54.750 --> 00:03:59.189
space, touch, and physical comfort. There are

00:03:59.189 --> 00:04:02.689
emotional boundaries that protect your emotional

00:04:02.689 --> 00:04:06.949
energy and help you not take on others' emotions.

00:04:07.650 --> 00:04:11.409
There's time boundaries, how you spend your time

00:04:11.409 --> 00:04:16.420
and energy. Mental boundaries, protecting your

00:04:16.420 --> 00:04:18.720
thoughts and beliefs from others' negativity.

00:04:19.819 --> 00:04:23.319
There's digital boundaries as well. And that's

00:04:23.319 --> 00:04:26.339
managing your online presence and your consumption.

00:04:28.060 --> 00:04:31.180
Professional boundaries is when you separate

00:04:31.180 --> 00:04:35.720
work from your personal life. Stop taking work

00:04:35.720 --> 00:04:40.060
home and spend time with your family. The key

00:04:40.060 --> 00:04:43.519
to healthy boundaries is understanding that they're

00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:48.259
about you. not about controlling others. You

00:04:48.259 --> 00:04:52.120
can't make someone respect your boundaries, but

00:04:52.120 --> 00:04:56.720
you can consistently enforce them. Here's my

00:04:56.720 --> 00:04:59.139
three -step boundary implementation process.

00:05:01.560 --> 00:05:07.160
Step one, identify your limits. Get clear on

00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:11.079
what drains you, what energizes you, and what

00:05:11.079 --> 00:05:15.790
you need to function at your best. This isn't

00:05:15.790 --> 00:05:20.910
selfish. It's self -awareness. Ask yourself,

00:05:21.949 --> 00:05:24.829
what situations leave me feeling resentful or

00:05:24.829 --> 00:05:30.529
exhausted? When do I feel most authentic and

00:05:30.529 --> 00:05:36.290
energized? What are my non -negotiables for physical,

00:05:36.550 --> 00:05:41.579
emotional, and mental well -being? What patterns

00:05:41.579 --> 00:05:45.500
do I notice in my relationships that need addressing?

00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:53.920
Step two. Communicate clear. Use I statements.

00:05:55.180 --> 00:06:01.699
I need. I'm not available. I've decided. You

00:06:01.699 --> 00:06:04.459
don't need to justify or over explain yourself.

00:06:04.860 --> 00:06:08.120
A simple clear statement is more powerful than

00:06:08.120 --> 00:06:12.160
a lengthy explanation. and no is a complete sentence.

00:06:13.139 --> 00:06:16.699
Example, I need to leave work at 6 p .m. to maintain

00:06:16.699 --> 00:06:20.699
my well -being. I'm not available for phone calls

00:06:20.699 --> 00:06:25.600
after 9 p .m. I've decided not to discuss politics

00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:31.819
at family gatherings. Step three, follow through

00:06:31.819 --> 00:06:35.399
consistently with your boundaries. This is where

00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:38.850
most people struggle. If you set a boundary but

00:06:38.850 --> 00:06:41.470
you don't enforce it, you're actually teaching

00:06:41.470 --> 00:06:45.550
others that your boundaries are negotiable and

00:06:45.550 --> 00:06:50.649
they're not. Consistency means saying no without

00:06:50.649 --> 00:06:59.269
guilt or over explanation. No. Silence. Not making

00:06:59.269 --> 00:07:02.569
exceptions that compromise your well -being.

00:07:04.209 --> 00:07:07.199
Addressing boundary violations directly. and

00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:10.800
immediately. Don't wait, don't put it off. And

00:07:10.800 --> 00:07:15.100
be prepared for pushback and staying firm because

00:07:15.100 --> 00:07:20.100
people will try you. Let me share with you how

00:07:20.100 --> 00:07:24.120
this worked for me. I identified that checking

00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:27.139
emails after hours was draining my family time

00:07:27.139 --> 00:07:29.839
and preventing me from recharging because I would

00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:32.560
respond to the emails and start doing work. So

00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.079
I communicated to my team that I wouldn't respond

00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:39.540
to non -emergency emails or phone calls after

00:07:39.540 --> 00:07:44.040
7 p .m. When someone sent urgent requests after

00:07:44.040 --> 00:07:47.500
hours via email, I addressed it the next morning

00:07:47.500 --> 00:07:51.439
and redirected them to proper channels for true

00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:56.319
emergencies. It took consistency, but eventually

00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:00.240
the after hours request stopped because I stopped

00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:04.490
answering. Let's practice the boundary power

00:08:04.490 --> 00:08:09.629
pause. Think of a situation where you need to

00:08:09.629 --> 00:08:15.250
set or strengthen a boundary. Take three deep

00:08:15.250 --> 00:08:21.629
breaths. Now ask yourself, what is this situation

00:08:21.629 --> 00:08:27.870
costing me in energy, time, or peace? What boundary

00:08:27.870 --> 00:08:33.360
would protect my well -being here? What's the

00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:36.639
simplest, clearest way to communicate this boundary?

00:08:39.379 --> 00:08:42.679
What would enforcing this boundary consistently

00:08:42.679 --> 00:08:47.740
look like? How would my life improve with this

00:08:47.740 --> 00:08:52.860
boundary in place? Feel the relief that comes

00:08:52.860 --> 00:08:56.720
with clarity? That's your inner wisdom confirming

00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:00.940
what it is that you need. You need to set some

00:09:00.940 --> 00:09:04.409
boundaries. You need to set all the boundaries.

00:09:07.090 --> 00:09:10.789
Let me give you some practical scripts for common

00:09:10.789 --> 00:09:18.370
boundary situations. For work requests that are

00:09:18.370 --> 00:09:24.309
beyond your capacity, say, I appreciate you thinking

00:09:24.309 --> 00:09:28.490
of me for this project. My current commitments

00:09:28.490 --> 00:09:32.830
won't allow me to give this attention. that it

00:09:32.830 --> 00:09:40.409
requires or deserves. I'd recommend the solution

00:09:40.409 --> 00:09:43.909
of this person. For social obligations that you

00:09:43.909 --> 00:09:47.049
can't handle, thank you for the invitation. I

00:09:47.049 --> 00:09:49.649
won't be able to make it, but I hope that you

00:09:49.649 --> 00:09:55.549
have a wonderful time. For family demands on

00:09:55.549 --> 00:09:59.649
your time, I love spending time with my family.

00:10:00.029 --> 00:10:03.210
Right now, I need to prioritize whatever it is

00:10:03.210 --> 00:10:08.210
that you need. Could we look at an alternative

00:10:08.210 --> 00:10:15.769
arrangement? For digital overwhelm. I'm taking

00:10:15.769 --> 00:10:19.830
a break from social media or emails after such

00:10:19.830 --> 00:10:23.830
a such time to recharge. I'll respond to messages

00:10:23.830 --> 00:10:28.889
during business hours. For emotional dumping.

00:10:30.990 --> 00:10:33.789
I can see that you're going through a lot. I

00:10:33.789 --> 00:10:37.009
care about you, and I'm not in a place to provide

00:10:37.009 --> 00:10:41.070
support to you that you need right now. Have

00:10:41.070 --> 00:10:45.289
you considered talking to a professional or another

00:10:45.289 --> 00:10:52.830
friend? Four financial requests. I'm not able

00:10:52.830 --> 00:10:56.049
to help financially right now. I hope that you

00:10:56.049 --> 00:11:01.730
find a solution that you need. Notice that these

00:11:01.730 --> 00:11:05.470
scripts are kind, but they're firm. Clear, but

00:11:05.470 --> 00:11:09.830
not over -explanatory. They acknowledge the other

00:11:09.830 --> 00:11:17.289
person while also protecting your needs. I can

00:11:17.289 --> 00:11:19.049
already tell you, when you say those things to

00:11:19.049 --> 00:11:21.769
people, they're gonna be baffled because they're

00:11:21.769 --> 00:11:26.129
so used to you saying yes. The biggest obstacle

00:11:26.129 --> 00:11:29.590
to healthy boundaries is guilt. Don't be guilty.

00:11:29.720 --> 00:11:32.259
It's okay. Here's how I want you to work through

00:11:32.259 --> 00:11:35.799
that guilt. I want you to remember your why.

00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:40.480
Why you're setting boundaries is not to hurt

00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:43.820
others. You're setting them to show up as your

00:11:43.820 --> 00:11:47.480
best self for what truly matters the most to

00:11:47.480 --> 00:11:53.220
you. Recognize the cost of no boundaries. When

00:11:53.220 --> 00:11:55.600
you don't protect your energy, you have less

00:11:55.600 --> 00:12:00.340
to give to other people and it causes you to

00:12:00.340 --> 00:12:04.159
be overwhelmed and you can't do what you truly

00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:08.360
care about. Understand that no is a complete

00:12:08.360 --> 00:12:12.100
sentence. You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation

00:12:12.100 --> 00:12:17.980
for protecting your well -being. Practice self

00:12:17.980 --> 00:12:22.279
-compassion. You're learning a new skill. It

00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:24.899
will feel uncomfortable at first, and that is

00:12:24.899 --> 00:12:30.580
normal. It's okay. I want you to focus on what

00:12:30.580 --> 00:12:33.779
you're saying yes to. Every boundary that you

00:12:33.779 --> 00:12:36.159
set creates space for something that you want

00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:41.299
to do that's more aligned with your values. Remember,

00:12:42.159 --> 00:12:45.580
people who truly care about your wellbeing will

00:12:45.580 --> 00:12:49.100
respect your boundaries. Those who don't respect

00:12:49.100 --> 00:12:53.120
your boundaries are showing you exactly why you

00:12:53.120 --> 00:12:58.009
need them. Those that get upset or mad or stop

00:12:58.009 --> 00:13:01.269
talking to you or try to gaslight you. Those

00:13:01.269 --> 00:13:02.850
are the people that you need to stay away from

00:13:02.850 --> 00:13:06.309
and definitely enforce those boundaries. This

00:13:06.309 --> 00:13:08.549
week I want you to identify three areas that

00:13:08.549 --> 00:13:12.149
you need stronger boundaries. For each area I

00:13:12.149 --> 00:13:14.649
want you to write down what the current situation

00:13:14.649 --> 00:13:18.789
is costing you, what boundary that you need to

00:13:18.789 --> 00:13:22.370
set, how you will communicate that boundary,

00:13:22.529 --> 00:13:27.659
and also how you will enforce it consistently.

00:13:29.539 --> 00:13:32.080
Practice one boundary conversation this week.

00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:35.899
Start small. Boundaries are a skill that approves

00:13:35.899 --> 00:13:39.200
with practice because you're not used to saying

00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.639
no. I want you to notice any guilt or resistance

00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:45.019
that come up and I want you to remind yourself

00:13:45.019 --> 00:13:48.679
that protecting your energy is protecting your

00:13:48.679 --> 00:13:56.299
ability to serve what matters most to you. Remember,

00:13:57.419 --> 00:14:00.139
boundaries aren't about building walls. They're

00:14:00.139 --> 00:14:03.960
about creating space for your best self to emerge.

00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:07.960
When you protect your energy, you have more to

00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:12.620
give to what truly matters. Next week, we're

00:14:12.620 --> 00:14:17.240
exploring rewriting your story. The power of

00:14:17.240 --> 00:14:22.600
perspective. Until then, remember, saying no

00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.559
to what drains you is saying yes, to what sustains

00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:30.659
you. I'm Angela R. Strong, and this has been

00:14:30.659 --> 00:14:33.720
Transformation Talk with Angela R. Strong, the

00:14:33.720 --> 00:14:39.080
Empowered Edge series. Thank you for joining

00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:42.159
me, and I look forward to seeing you in the next

00:14:42.159 --> 00:14:55.259
episode. Like, share, subscribe. You're meant

00:14:55.259 --> 00:14:59.740
to be mindful, bold, and totally