WEBVTT 00:00:26.610 --> 00:00:32.600 Welcome to Transformation Talk. with Angela R. 00:00:32.700 --> 00:00:36.320 Strong, the podcast where we transform pain into 00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:41.399 purpose and shadows into strength. I'm your host, 00:00:41.799 --> 00:00:46.939 Angela R. Strong, resilience expert, transformation 00:00:46.939 --> 00:00:50.820 coach, speaker, and author of Empowered Edge, 00:00:51.299 --> 00:00:55.820 Transforming Pain into Purpose. If you're listening 00:00:55.820 --> 00:01:00.049 to this today, chances are You're in a place 00:01:00.049 --> 00:01:05.290 I know all too well. Maybe you're feeling stuck 00:01:05.290 --> 00:01:09.989 in patterns that seem impossible to break. Maybe 00:01:09.989 --> 00:01:12.409 you're wondering if the pain you're carrying 00:01:12.409 --> 00:01:18.890 will ever truly heal. Maybe you started to believe 00:01:18.890 --> 00:01:23.430 that this is just who you are now. I want you 00:01:23.430 --> 00:01:27.069 to know something right from the start. That's 00:01:27.069 --> 00:01:31.319 not true. what you're experiencing right now. 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:36.019 It's not your permanent address. It's a temporary 00:01:36.019 --> 00:01:39.719 state. And today we're going to start understanding 00:01:39.719 --> 00:01:44.000 why you're there and how to begin moving forward. 00:01:47.780 --> 00:01:51.180 In today's episode, we're diving deep into something 00:01:51.180 --> 00:01:55.599 I call the cycle of pain. Those invisible patterns 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:58.859 that trauma creates in our lives. keeping us 00:01:58.859 --> 00:02:02.459 trapped in the shadows when we're meant to step 00:02:02.459 --> 00:02:07.939 into our strength. We're going to explore how 00:02:07.939 --> 00:02:10.759 trauma doesn't just hurt us once and move on. 00:02:11.400 --> 00:02:15.479 It creates these intricate webs that can hold 00:02:15.479 --> 00:02:20.500 us captive for years if we don't understand how 00:02:20.500 --> 00:02:25.599 they work. But here's what I want you to hold 00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:30.819 on to. as we go through this together. Understanding 00:02:30.819 --> 00:02:34.120 your cycle is the very first step to breaking 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:39.719 it. Knowledge isn't just power, it's freedom. 00:02:40.800 --> 00:02:43.000 You know, I want to start by sharing something 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:47.419 with you. When I was four years old, I thought 00:02:47.419 --> 00:02:52.379 love was supposed to hurt. I lived with my mother 00:02:52.379 --> 00:02:59.919 and my grandmother. And that was filled with 00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:05.639 love in that house. My mother remarried and I 00:03:05.639 --> 00:03:08.520 went to live with my father. Everything changed. 00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:14.379 My stepmother, she didn't just dislike me. She 00:03:14.379 --> 00:03:17.500 made it her mission to convince me and everyone 00:03:17.500 --> 00:03:22.580 around us that I was the problem. The threats, 00:03:22.800 --> 00:03:26.270 the abuse, the way she twist situations. to make 00:03:26.270 --> 00:03:29.150 me look like the troublemaker when I was just 00:03:29.150 --> 00:03:34.729 a little girl trying to survive. When her nephew 00:03:34.729 --> 00:03:40.490 violated me at 12 and she blamed me for it, that's 00:03:40.490 --> 00:03:44.129 when I learned that the world just was not safe. 00:03:45.250 --> 00:03:48.530 That's when the cycle really took hold of me. 00:03:50.069 --> 00:03:53.879 You see, trauma doesn't just happen to us. It 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:58.379 teaches us things. It teaches us that we're not 00:03:58.379 --> 00:04:01.979 safe, that we can't trust our own perceptions, 00:04:02.699 --> 00:04:07.680 that we're fundamentally flawed. And our brilliant 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:11.740 survival -focused brains take those lessons and 00:04:11.740 --> 00:04:16.579 create patterns to protect us. But here's the 00:04:16.579 --> 00:04:20.339 thing about those patterns. What starts as protection 00:04:20.339 --> 00:04:27.310 becomes a prison. Let me ask you something. Do 00:04:27.310 --> 00:04:32.370 you find yourself expecting the worst? Do you 00:04:32.370 --> 00:04:35.670 struggle to trust people who are actually kind 00:04:35.670 --> 00:04:40.430 to you? Do you work twice as hard as everyone 00:04:40.430 --> 00:04:44.990 else to prove that you're worthy? Do you find 00:04:44.990 --> 00:04:48.370 yourself in relationships or situations that 00:04:48.370 --> 00:04:54.060 feel familiar but not necessarily healthy? Those 00:04:54.060 --> 00:04:58.560 aren't character flaws. Those are survival strategies 00:04:58.560 --> 00:05:03.160 your brain developed to keep you safe. The problem 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:07.300 is, they're probably keeping you stuck now. Let 00:05:07.300 --> 00:05:12.220 me paint a picture for you of how this cycle 00:05:12.220 --> 00:05:16.160 typically works, because once you can see it, 00:05:16.379 --> 00:05:21.439 you can start to change it. Stage one. The original 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:25.819 one is where it all starts. Maybe it was abuse, 00:05:25.860 --> 00:05:30.120 like in my case. Maybe it was neglect, loss, 00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:34.639 betrayal, a traumatic accident, or growing up 00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:38.920 in an unstable environment. Something happened 00:05:38.920 --> 00:05:42.720 that overwhelmed your ability to cope and left 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:48.459 you feeling powerless. Stage two, the survival 00:05:48.459 --> 00:05:52.160 beliefs. Your brain and its wisdom starts forming 00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:56.139 beliefs to help you survive. Things like, I'm 00:05:56.139 --> 00:06:00.639 not safe, I can't trust anyone, I have to be 00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:05.019 perfect to be loved, or I'm responsible for everyone 00:06:05.019 --> 00:06:09.579 else's feelings. These beliefs feel true because 00:06:09.579 --> 00:06:14.980 they were formed during genuine danger. Stage 00:06:14.980 --> 00:06:18.480 three, the protective behaviors. Based on those 00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.459 beliefs, you start developing behaviors. Maybe 00:06:22.459 --> 00:06:25.000 you become a people pleaser to avoid conflict, 00:06:25.019 --> 00:06:30.079 like I did. Maybe you isolate to avoid rejection, 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:35.399 like I did. Maybe you become hypervigilant, always 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:40.339 scanning for danger, like I did. Maybe you work 00:06:40.339 --> 00:06:45.060 obsessively to prove your worth again, like I 00:06:45.060 --> 00:06:49.480 did. Stage four, the confirming experiences. 00:06:50.459 --> 00:06:53.220 This is where it gets tricky because you're operating 00:06:53.220 --> 00:06:57.180 from those survival beliefs and behaviors. You 00:06:57.180 --> 00:07:00.560 often end up in situations that confirm what 00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:04.939 you already believe. You attract people who aren't 00:07:04.939 --> 00:07:08.199 good for you because that's what feels familiar 00:07:08.199 --> 00:07:12.459 to you. And you sabotage good opportunities because 00:07:12.459 --> 00:07:15.620 you don't believe that you Genuinely deserve 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:22.300 them. Stage five, the reinforcement. Each confirming 00:07:22.300 --> 00:07:25.560 experience reinforces those original beliefs. 00:07:26.860 --> 00:07:31.240 See, I knew I couldn't trust anyone. Of course 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:33.720 this didn't work out. Nothing good ever happens 00:07:33.720 --> 00:07:37.240 to me. And then the cycle continues, getting 00:07:37.240 --> 00:07:43.819 stronger each and every time. This is what I 00:07:43.819 --> 00:07:47.319 mean by the cycle of pain. It's not just the 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:50.680 original trauma. It's this ongoing pattern that 00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:54.040 keeps recreating the conditions of that trauma. 00:07:54.839 --> 00:08:00.860 Even when the actual danger is long gone. But 00:08:00.860 --> 00:08:05.500 here's what I need for you to understand. Recognizing 00:08:05.500 --> 00:08:09.439 this cycle isn't about blame. It's not your fault 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:12.660 that your brain developed these patterns. Your 00:08:12.660 --> 00:08:17.879 brain was doing its job, keeping you alive. The 00:08:17.879 --> 00:08:22.480 question now is, are these patterns still serving 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:27.899 you, or are they simply holding you back? I remember 00:08:27.899 --> 00:08:31.220 sitting in a car after a particularly brutal 00:08:31.220 --> 00:08:34.480 day at work. This was years into my Coast Guard 00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:38.100 service. When I was dealing with some racism, 00:08:38.740 --> 00:08:42.279 betrayal by colleagues, and the aftermath of 00:08:42.279 --> 00:08:50.080 reporting the assault. I felt completely powerless. 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:55.500 Like nothing that I did mattered. Like I was 00:08:55.500 --> 00:08:59.159 trapped in this endless cycle of trying and failing, 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:05.039 trying and failing. In that moment, helplessness 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:10.139 felt like my identity. It felt permanent. It 00:09:10.139 --> 00:09:16.779 felt like the truth about who I was. But here's 00:09:16.779 --> 00:09:19.340 what I've learned and what I need for you to 00:09:19.340 --> 00:09:23.519 hear. Helplessness is a feeling, not a fact. 00:09:24.299 --> 00:09:27.980 It's a state, not a sentence. When you're in 00:09:27.980 --> 00:09:31.620 the cycle of pain, helplessness becomes this 00:09:31.620 --> 00:09:34.899 heavy blanket that covers everything. We can't 00:09:34.899 --> 00:09:38.480 see past it, can't imagine anything different. 00:09:39.500 --> 00:09:42.840 But that's because trauma affects our ability 00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:46.740 to envision a different future. It literally 00:09:46.740 --> 00:09:49.840 changes how our brain processes possibility. 00:09:52.940 --> 00:09:56.679 Think about it this way. When you're in physical 00:09:56.679 --> 00:10:00.840 pain, it's hard to remember what it feels like 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:04.460 to not be in pain, right? When you have this 00:10:04.460 --> 00:10:08.919 terrible headache, you can't quite imagine. what 00:10:08.919 --> 00:10:13.279 it feels like to have a clear, comfortable head. 00:10:14.500 --> 00:10:18.620 Emotional pain works the same way, but just like 00:10:18.620 --> 00:10:22.519 physical pain, emotional pain can just heal. 00:10:23.879 --> 00:10:27.039 Just like physical pain doesn't define who you 00:10:27.039 --> 00:10:31.539 are as a person, emotional pain doesn't define 00:10:31.539 --> 00:10:36.690 your worth or your future. I want to share three 00:10:36.690 --> 00:10:40.190 powerful truths about helplessness that changed 00:10:40.190 --> 00:10:45.750 everything for me. Truth one, helplessness is 00:10:45.750 --> 00:10:48.809 information, not your identity. When you feel 00:10:48.809 --> 00:10:51.889 helpless, your system is telling you something 00:10:51.889 --> 00:10:56.029 important. Maybe that you're in a situation that 00:10:56.029 --> 00:11:00.570 isn't good for you. Maybe that you need support. 00:11:01.870 --> 00:11:04.549 Maybe that you're trying to control things that 00:11:04.549 --> 00:11:09.769 are outside your influence. But feeling helpless 00:11:09.769 --> 00:11:14.450 doesn't mean that you're helpless. Truth too. 00:11:15.669 --> 00:11:18.190 Even small actions break the helplessness cycle. 00:11:19.509 --> 00:11:22.129 You don't need to change everything all at once. 00:11:23.909 --> 00:11:26.210 Sometimes helplessness breaks with something 00:11:26.210 --> 00:11:30.570 as simple as making your bed, taking a shower, 00:11:30.830 --> 00:11:37.710 or reaching out to one person. Action. Any action 00:11:37.710 --> 00:11:41.809 reminds your nervous system that you do have 00:11:41.809 --> 00:11:47.490 urgency. Truth three, your past survival is a 00:11:47.490 --> 00:11:51.409 proof of your strength. If you're listening to 00:11:51.409 --> 00:11:54.929 this right now, you've survived 100 % of your 00:11:54.929 --> 00:11:59.330 worst days. That's not love, that's resilience. 00:12:00.370 --> 00:12:05.409 That's strength. The fact that you're here, seeking 00:12:05.409 --> 00:12:09.549 answers, looking for a way forward. That's the 00:12:09.549 --> 00:12:12.990 opposite of health. How do we start breaking 00:12:12.990 --> 00:12:18.649 these cycles? How do we move from shadow to strength? 00:12:20.289 --> 00:12:23.490 The first step is always awareness. You can't 00:12:23.490 --> 00:12:27.190 change what it is that you can't see. Today, 00:12:27.830 --> 00:12:31.179 just by listening to this, You're already starting 00:12:31.179 --> 00:12:34.620 to see the patterns. You're already beginning 00:12:34.620 --> 00:12:38.860 to understand that what feels like personal failure 00:12:38.860 --> 00:12:44.539 might actually be your trauma responses. Step 00:12:44.539 --> 00:12:49.500 one, I want you to map your cycle. Over the next 00:12:49.500 --> 00:12:52.220 week, I want you to pay close attention to your 00:12:52.220 --> 00:12:57.600 patterns. When do you feel most triggered? What 00:12:57.600 --> 00:13:00.559 situations bring up that familiar feeling of 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:05.240 helplessness or fear? What do you do when you 00:13:05.240 --> 00:13:09.059 feel these things? There's no judgment here, 00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:17.019 just observation. Step two, practice the pause. 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:21.159 When you notice yourself getting activated, before 00:13:21.159 --> 00:13:24.580 you react in your usual way, I want you to try 00:13:24.580 --> 00:13:28.700 to pause. even for three seconds. In that pause, 00:13:28.740 --> 00:13:33.340 I want you to remind yourself, this is my trauma 00:13:33.340 --> 00:13:38.320 response. This feeling is real, but it's not 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:43.740 the whole truth. Step three, I want you to find 00:13:43.740 --> 00:13:46.919 your evidence. Start collecting evidence that 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:50.659 contradicts your trauma beliefs. If your trauma 00:13:50.659 --> 00:13:53.570 tells you that you're not safe, I want you to 00:13:53.570 --> 00:13:56.370 collect evidence of times that you've been safe. 00:13:57.529 --> 00:14:00.809 If it tells you that you're not worthy, collect 00:14:00.809 --> 00:14:04.769 evidence of your worth. Your brain needs new 00:14:04.769 --> 00:14:08.990 data to start forming those new patterns. Step 00:14:08.990 --> 00:14:14.450 four, take one small action. Choose one small 00:14:14.450 --> 00:14:16.690 action that moves you toward the person that 00:14:16.690 --> 00:14:20.129 you want to become, not the person that your 00:14:20.129 --> 00:14:23.600 trauma thinks that you need to be. Maybe it's 00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:27.679 just setting one small boundary. Maybe it's asking 00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:31.639 for help with something. Maybe it's saying no 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:34.220 to something that you just don't want to do. 00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:38.620 Remember, breaking free from these cycles isn't 00:14:38.620 --> 00:14:43.279 about perfection. It's about progression. It's 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.679 about choosing one moment at a time to respond 00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:52.350 from your strength instead of your own. I want 00:14:52.350 --> 00:14:56.870 to close today with something that I wish someone 00:14:56.870 --> 00:15:00.389 had told me when I was in my deepest shadows. 00:15:02.029 --> 00:15:06.389 You're not broken. You're not damaged goods. 00:15:07.690 --> 00:15:11.750 You are not defined by what happened to you or 00:15:11.750 --> 00:15:17.809 how you responded to it. You are a human being 00:15:17.809 --> 00:15:23.379 who experienced something overwhelming. and your 00:15:23.379 --> 00:15:28.460 system adapted to help you survive. That adaptation 00:15:28.460 --> 00:15:34.019 was intelligent. It was necessary. And now that 00:15:34.019 --> 00:15:39.740 you're safer, you get to choose new adaptations 00:15:39.740 --> 00:15:43.879 that help you thrive. The patterns that have 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:48.340 kept you trapped. They were once your lifeline. 00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:53.149 Honor them for what they did for you. and then 00:15:53.149 --> 00:16:00.850 gently, lovingly begin to outgrow them. Your 00:16:00.850 --> 00:16:04.309 pain has a purpose, not because suffering is 00:16:04.309 --> 00:16:08.029 good, but because you have the power to transform 00:16:08.029 --> 00:16:12.529 it into wisdom, strength, and service to others 00:16:12.529 --> 00:16:18.070 who are walking in similar paths. The shadows 00:16:18.070 --> 00:16:21.570 that you're in right now, they're not your destination. 00:16:22.620 --> 00:16:25.419 They're just the place that you're passing through 00:16:25.419 --> 00:16:31.860 on the way to your strength. If this episode 00:16:31.860 --> 00:16:34.779 resonated with you, I want you to know that you're 00:16:34.779 --> 00:16:39.259 not alone in this journey. In our next episode, 00:16:39.899 --> 00:16:43.419 we're going to talk about why healing isn't linear. 00:16:44.580 --> 00:16:46.980 Why you might feel like you're taking two steps 00:16:46.980 --> 00:16:51.049 forward and one step back. and why that's actually 00:16:51.049 --> 00:16:55.610 a sign that you're doing the work right. Until 00:16:55.610 --> 00:17:00.009 then, be gentle with yourself, take it one moment 00:17:00.009 --> 00:17:04.089 at a time, and remember, you're not just surviving 00:17:04.089 --> 00:17:11.609 your story, you're writing it. Thank you for 00:17:11.609 --> 00:17:14.170 joining me today on Transformation Talk with 00:17:14.170 --> 00:17:18.039 Angela R. Strong. If this episode helped you 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:20.960 see your situation in a new light, please share 00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:24.599 it with someone who might need to hear it too. 00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:29.920 You can find show notes, resources, and ways 00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:34.500 to connect with me at www .calibratedresilience 00:17:34.500 --> 00:17:39.359 .com. You can book appointments with me or book 00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:42.980 me to speak. Remember, transformation is not 00:17:42.980 --> 00:17:46.859 just possible, it's your birthright. Until next 00:17:46.859 --> 00:17:49.299 time, keep moving from shadows to strength.