Welcome to Transformation Talk. with Angela R.
Strong, the podcast where we transform pain into
purpose and shadows into strength. I'm your host,
Angela R. Strong, resilience expert, transformation
coach, speaker, and author of Empowered Edge,
Transforming Pain into Purpose. If you're listening
to this today, chances are You're in a place
I know all too well. Maybe you're feeling stuck
in patterns that seem impossible to break. Maybe
you're wondering if the pain you're carrying
will ever truly heal. Maybe you started to believe
that this is just who you are now. I want you
to know something right from the start. That's
not true. what you're experiencing right now.
It's not your permanent address. It's a temporary
state. And today we're going to start understanding
why you're there and how to begin moving forward.
In today's episode, we're diving deep into something
I call the cycle of pain. Those invisible patterns
that trauma creates in our lives. keeping us
trapped in the shadows when we're meant to step
into our strength. We're going to explore how
trauma doesn't just hurt us once and move on.
It creates these intricate webs that can hold
us captive for years if we don't understand how
they work. But here's what I want you to hold
on to. as we go through this together. Understanding
your cycle is the very first step to breaking
it. Knowledge isn't just power, it's freedom.
You know, I want to start by sharing something
with you. When I was four years old, I thought
love was supposed to hurt. I lived with my mother
and my grandmother. And that was filled with
love in that house. My mother remarried and I
went to live with my father. Everything changed.
My stepmother, she didn't just dislike me. She
made it her mission to convince me and everyone
around us that I was the problem. The threats,
the abuse, the way she twist situations. to make
me look like the troublemaker when I was just
a little girl trying to survive. When her nephew
violated me at 12 and she blamed me for it, that's
when I learned that the world just was not safe.
That's when the cycle really took hold of me.
You see, trauma doesn't just happen to us. It
teaches us things. It teaches us that we're not
safe, that we can't trust our own perceptions,
that we're fundamentally flawed. And our brilliant
survival -focused brains take those lessons and
create patterns to protect us. But here's the
thing about those patterns. What starts as protection
becomes a prison. Let me ask you something. Do
you find yourself expecting the worst? Do you
struggle to trust people who are actually kind
to you? Do you work twice as hard as everyone
else to prove that you're worthy? Do you find
yourself in relationships or situations that
feel familiar but not necessarily healthy? Those
aren't character flaws. Those are survival strategies
your brain developed to keep you safe. The problem
is, they're probably keeping you stuck now. Let
me paint a picture for you of how this cycle
typically works, because once you can see it,
you can start to change it. Stage one. The original
one is where it all starts. Maybe it was abuse,
like in my case. Maybe it was neglect, loss,
betrayal, a traumatic accident, or growing up
in an unstable environment. Something happened
that overwhelmed your ability to cope and left
you feeling powerless. Stage two, the survival
beliefs. Your brain and its wisdom starts forming
beliefs to help you survive. Things like, I'm
not safe, I can't trust anyone, I have to be
perfect to be loved, or I'm responsible for everyone
else's feelings. These beliefs feel true because
they were formed during genuine danger. Stage
three, the protective behaviors. Based on those
beliefs, you start developing behaviors. Maybe
you become a people pleaser to avoid conflict,
like I did. Maybe you isolate to avoid rejection,
like I did. Maybe you become hypervigilant, always
scanning for danger, like I did. Maybe you work
obsessively to prove your worth again, like I
did. Stage four, the confirming experiences.
This is where it gets tricky because you're operating
from those survival beliefs and behaviors. You
often end up in situations that confirm what
you already believe. You attract people who aren't
good for you because that's what feels familiar
to you. And you sabotage good opportunities because
you don't believe that you Genuinely deserve
them. Stage five, the reinforcement. Each confirming
experience reinforces those original beliefs.
See, I knew I couldn't trust anyone. Of course
this didn't work out. Nothing good ever happens
to me. And then the cycle continues, getting
stronger each and every time. This is what I
mean by the cycle of pain. It's not just the
original trauma. It's this ongoing pattern that
keeps recreating the conditions of that trauma.
Even when the actual danger is long gone. But
here's what I need for you to understand. Recognizing
this cycle isn't about blame. It's not your fault
that your brain developed these patterns. Your
brain was doing its job, keeping you alive. The
question now is, are these patterns still serving
you, or are they simply holding you back? I remember
sitting in a car after a particularly brutal
day at work. This was years into my Coast Guard
service. When I was dealing with some racism,
betrayal by colleagues, and the aftermath of
reporting the assault. I felt completely powerless.
Like nothing that I did mattered. Like I was
trapped in this endless cycle of trying and failing,
trying and failing. In that moment, helplessness
felt like my identity. It felt permanent. It
felt like the truth about who I was. But here's
what I've learned and what I need for you to
hear. Helplessness is a feeling, not a fact.
It's a state, not a sentence. When you're in
the cycle of pain, helplessness becomes this
heavy blanket that covers everything. We can't
see past it, can't imagine anything different.
But that's because trauma affects our ability
to envision a different future. It literally
changes how our brain processes possibility.
Think about it this way. When you're in physical
pain, it's hard to remember what it feels like
to not be in pain, right? When you have this
terrible headache, you can't quite imagine. what
it feels like to have a clear, comfortable head.
Emotional pain works the same way, but just like
physical pain, emotional pain can just heal.
Just like physical pain doesn't define who you
are as a person, emotional pain doesn't define
your worth or your future. I want to share three
powerful truths about helplessness that changed
everything for me. Truth one, helplessness is
information, not your identity. When you feel
helpless, your system is telling you something
important. Maybe that you're in a situation that
isn't good for you. Maybe that you need support.
Maybe that you're trying to control things that
are outside your influence. But feeling helpless
doesn't mean that you're helpless. Truth too.
Even small actions break the helplessness cycle.
You don't need to change everything all at once.
Sometimes helplessness breaks with something
as simple as making your bed, taking a shower,
or reaching out to one person. Action. Any action
reminds your nervous system that you do have
urgency. Truth three, your past survival is a
proof of your strength. If you're listening to
this right now, you've survived 100 % of your
worst days. That's not love, that's resilience.
That's strength. The fact that you're here, seeking
answers, looking for a way forward. That's the
opposite of health. How do we start breaking
these cycles? How do we move from shadow to strength?
The first step is always awareness. You can't
change what it is that you can't see. Today,
just by listening to this, You're already starting
to see the patterns. You're already beginning
to understand that what feels like personal failure
might actually be your trauma responses. Step
one, I want you to map your cycle. Over the next
week, I want you to pay close attention to your
patterns. When do you feel most triggered? What
situations bring up that familiar feeling of
helplessness or fear? What do you do when you
feel these things? There's no judgment here,
just observation. Step two, practice the pause.
When you notice yourself getting activated, before
you react in your usual way, I want you to try
to pause. even for three seconds. In that pause,
I want you to remind yourself, this is my trauma
response. This feeling is real, but it's not
the whole truth. Step three, I want you to find
your evidence. Start collecting evidence that
contradicts your trauma beliefs. If your trauma
tells you that you're not safe, I want you to
collect evidence of times that you've been safe.
If it tells you that you're not worthy, collect
evidence of your worth. Your brain needs new
data to start forming those new patterns. Step
four, take one small action. Choose one small
action that moves you toward the person that
you want to become, not the person that your
trauma thinks that you need to be. Maybe it's
just setting one small boundary. Maybe it's asking
for help with something. Maybe it's saying no
to something that you just don't want to do.
Remember, breaking free from these cycles isn't
about perfection. It's about progression. It's
about choosing one moment at a time to respond
from your strength instead of your own. I want
to close today with something that I wish someone
had told me when I was in my deepest shadows.
You're not broken. You're not damaged goods.
You are not defined by what happened to you or
how you responded to it. You are a human being
who experienced something overwhelming. and your
system adapted to help you survive. That adaptation
was intelligent. It was necessary. And now that
you're safer, you get to choose new adaptations
that help you thrive. The patterns that have
kept you trapped. They were once your lifeline.
Honor them for what they did for you. and then
gently, lovingly begin to outgrow them. Your
pain has a purpose, not because suffering is
good, but because you have the power to transform
it into wisdom, strength, and service to others
who are walking in similar paths. The shadows
that you're in right now, they're not your destination.
They're just the place that you're passing through
on the way to your strength. If this episode
resonated with you, I want you to know that you're
not alone in this journey. In our next episode,
we're going to talk about why healing isn't linear.
Why you might feel like you're taking two steps
forward and one step back. and why that's actually
a sign that you're doing the work right. Until
then, be gentle with yourself, take it one moment
at a time, and remember, you're not just surviving
your story, you're writing it. Thank you for
joining me today on Transformation Talk with
Angela R. Strong. If this episode helped you
see your situation in a new light, please share
it with someone who might need to hear it too.
You can find show notes, resources, and ways
to connect with me at www .calibratedresilience
.com. You can book appointments with me or book
me to speak. Remember, transformation is not
just possible, it's your birthright. Until next
time, keep moving from shadows to strength.