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Whats the story, if It is good or bad.

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After ю don't know its the one and only leave

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okay!

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NO ANELE NO RE Instead yo.

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B

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Welcome to Transformation Talk with Angela R. Strong.

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In today's episode, we have a special guest, James.

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We will be discussing his transformational journey.

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As a child, he faced something that was very traumatic and it changed him forever.

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He had to learn how to overcome those challenges and gain more resilience in order to have a successful and fulfilling life.

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Thank you for joining us, James.

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Yes.

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James, can you tell us a little about yourself?

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I am originally from the St. Port, Louisiana.

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I have a long career in law enforcement.

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I'm still currently in law enforcement now.

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Just a different capacity.

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I'm now basically in Lafayette.

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That's why I made my home as of now.

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Pretty much all I'm doing now is my work and I'm pretty much training.

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I'm just now pretty much getting to a point in my life where I think I'm going to say beating back all the obstacles I've had.

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But I can say that I can handle things a lot more now due to the stress or mental health issues I've had in the past.

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Can you touch on some of those things and how you have coped or managed it, how it's affected you growing up?

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Anything that you've dealt with, how have you gotten past it?

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What methods have you used?

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I'm going to say for most people, you deal with PTSD and you're dealing with childhood trauma.

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I don't think you don't actually ever just totally get past it.

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It's a constant battle every day.

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What I find as I've gotten older is not so much how I deal with situations or how I deal with the stress resonance.

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Just not dealing with it at all.

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The initial incident that pretty much got me down this past was when I was 11 years old.

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My mother was shot and killed by my father.

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I was 11 and my brother, he's nine and all that happened.

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My father was a police officer.

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My mom was a registered nurse.

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So he wasn't a poor family.

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I would say we were probably up in middle class.

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We had everything we wanted, everything we needed plus some of the things we wanted.

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I remember the day it happened, I was just getting back home from, I think we were going, well I was getting ready to start the following school year.

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We were going shopping for school clothes.

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So that's what we were doing that day when we came to the house.

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My brother was baking a pizza, watching some kind of movie.

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I didn't even hear, I'm arguing, didn't hear, all I heard was three gunshots.

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I ran back there and I kind of saw the aftermath of what happened.

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Then we were told to leave.

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We were sent to our neighbor across the street house.

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I'm trying to remember all this.

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I remember the body, your brain protects you from these memories.

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I'm trying to remember exactly how it happened.

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So I remember going across the street to my neighbor's house.

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I remember them at the alone, seemed like forever.

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I remember them bringing my mom out on the gurney and they were pumping the stomach.

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That day was kind of a blur.

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Everything that I've gone through in life has kind of stemmed from that.

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I went from being a happy good lucky, living your old kid to basically a grown man mentality and basically a day.

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I was treated different from my brother for the reason I didn't feel like the people that were around me didn't care anything about me.

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I didn't get help mentally.

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Now I might talk to a counselor once or twice, but that was not one year enough.

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People thought I was okay.

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I guess I was an athlete.

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I played football.

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I ended up getting found in my way into martial arts.

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So I was doing so much things physically and I didn't show any outward signs of having issues.

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But they were always there mentally.

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I didn't have help with them.

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I spent my first, probably my freshman year of high school.

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I remember my whole freshman year, I was still going to court, testifying against my father to put him away in prison for what it says like.

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I was doing that while going to school.

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I remember my freshman year of high school.

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So all those things, not having parents, not having a father figure, having anger issues.

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I had all those things.

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I just feel like I was lucky.

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I found martial arts, there was a school right down by my house that I would go to and have any money for lessons.

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I would go there, he would let me train for free.

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I would clean up, do stuff around the dojo.

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That's how I got my start in it.

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That's really what helped me starting off.

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I kind of channeled all my energy into that.

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I was a good football player.

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I liked the little lift and weights, the power lifter.

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So anything that I could physically put my energy into, that's kind of what I did.

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So I never got in trouble in school and then getting into fights.

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I didn't try to hurt other people, but I also don't believe none of those things, they were just putting band-aids over an issue.

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None of those things were a permanent fix.

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However, when I started looking in, since I was doing all those things, people thought, oh, he must be okay.

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But I wasn't okay.

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I was just keeping busy to keep from having to deal with what was actually going on.

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I'm glad you touched on the fact that you never get over it.

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It's something that you're constantly dealing with and you just learn to cope.

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People think that people that don't have issues or think that they don't have issues, they always say get over it.

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Everybody loves people.

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I've been in a relationship so with people.

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And you find out as you get older, a lot of people have issues.

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The issue might not be what your issues are, might be something else.

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But it's hard for people to take on your problems if they have their own problems as well.

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And something that's severe is some of my things where people would say, and I was guilty of this myself.

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I'm guilty of it now.

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I would say, may as well get over it.

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But then I have to catch myself, even though their problem might not be as severe as what I think you should be worried about.

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For them, that's a problem. So I say, I feel them to just get over it because I mean, people just tell me that even though maybe as an adult when I was trying to find help when I was trying to talk to people who I thought cared about me.

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You know, we realize that people really don't.

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You, people assume that you can just get over it.

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You can't just get over it.

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It's a process, right?

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And everybody's process is different, right?

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But the process, there is indeed a process.

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And you cannot do it without counseling.

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You know, you can't, you can say, well, I can go, I can take this physical stance.

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I'm going to, I'm going to lift weights.

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I'm going to go work out.

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I'm going to do all this physical things.

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But that's, that's a band aid, right?

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That's just a temporary fix.

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It's almost like, you know, working out and the trainer became like a high drug addict.

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You know, an alcoholic uses that to mask his pain.

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I was using that to mask my pain, right?

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I was using the gym.

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I was using, you know, working.

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I was using any kind of anything I can do to keep myself busy.

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I would use that and sort of just sitting down and focusing on the thing I need to focus on.

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And, and that's, and what you just said is, man, it's going to, it's just come correct.

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People think who don't deal with PTSD, who have not had to deal with mental stress or any kind of severe trauma.

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Even people that might have, they just, you know, they might think they've healed in their own right.

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But for them, they really have, they think they have, you know, and they think that you should just do that.

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And they think that you should just better just get past it.

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And you just never truly really do you, you just like you say, like I, like we've said, we hope with it differently.

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Right.

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So I can recognize myself now that I've, you know, gone through counseling and done all those things.

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I don't take medications or anything like that anymore.

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I know I have several counseling where I, what to, um, that I can talk to.

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Um, I don't need to lean on them as much as I used to, but, you know, now I can almost, you know, kind of feel it the sense of them myself.

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And the depression is something that we don't know.

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I still don't think they even have figured out and you may correct me wrong.

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They didn't figure it out.

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You know, what the onset of depression are.

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I can't tell you what triggers my depression.

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I can tell you I could be completely happy.

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I can just, and I can just feel depressed out of nowhere.

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And then I can just come out of it.

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I don't know where, uh, that's a negative hazard.

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We going on for me to be depressed.

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You know, I don't know.

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I don't think that you can figure it out what it is, you know, or maybe you can correct me if I'm wrong, but, you know, just kind of.

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Oh, I don't know.

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I'm only in some cases.

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I think with everyone, it starts different.

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Our triggers are all different.

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So what may trigger you may not trigger somebody else.

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And then it can also be nothing is triggering it.

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You just, it just, it just comes.

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It just like you just, you just feel it.

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Like you say you're, you're, you're happy, go lucky.

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And then just, you're just sad.

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So then people don't look like you're, you know, you sniffing other spouse.

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Okay.

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Maybe they don't really understand.

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I put a strain on your relationship with that person because I know for me personally, I didn't even know what was going on with me.

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Like I had no idea why I was acting the way I was acting.

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I didn't know what to my PTSD.

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I just knew that all this, all these years I've been able to kind of cope with things.

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But all of a sudden I just couldn't anymore.

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All of a sudden things that I thought I had done what I couldn't do with them anymore.

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All of a sudden things were making me angry.

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The things that I would normally be kind of push this out.

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Not at now.

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I would, I would get mad about things, my behavior changed in a way that I did not like in myself.

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So I really had to get help, you know.

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And I, in relation to that at the time, you know, that young lady, she, she kind of, you know, noticed it.

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And of course, I know she, she put me in a direction to get him.

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She didn't, we didn't stay together, but she did at least help me get started on that journey, you know.

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And that's people's choice.

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You know, maybe they, nobody, some people can deal with all that, you know, deal with everything.

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And I understand, you know, well, you know, that's not what some people sign on on for.

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Now that being said, that's just not the person for you if they can't.

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But that's not, that's their, that person's choice.

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But I do appreciate her getting me started in the right direction.

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Mm hmm.

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Yeah.

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Well, one thing about depression and PTSD, some, sometimes people can notice something's wrong, but they can't, they can't pinpoint it themselves.

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Or especially if they haven't been diagnosed.

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But sometimes they'll know something's wrong and they'll say, okay.

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But it is, it's also up to us to figure out, okay, we need help.

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But when we, when we figure it out is when it happens, like there's no, no set time.

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I know for me, I think I can do everything myself.

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It's a long time for, for me to get help for my PTSD anxiety and depression.

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It wasn't until 2017 that I got officially diagnosed and I went to the doctor and I just say, hey, I need something to help me help me focus.

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And next thing I know the captain comes and takes me to the mental health place.

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But for me, it was just that simple because I noticed that I wasn't focusing.

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I couldn't focus on accomplishing things that I have been accomplishing just fine.

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When things happen and they happen right on top of each other, that's when, when it gets to us the most.

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Let me go talk to somebody and figure out how to get this help that I need.

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And that, and now you gave.

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So I look at martial arts.

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And that they help with that, you know, so.

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You just said, when things stack on to each other, right?

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Yeah.

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And I look at how I look at that is your, your opponent.

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But we train people how to fight, right?

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Yeah.

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But you, you're training a mentality, not also much and not really training somebody to fight another person.

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And that you are training to fight another person, but at the same time, you're, you're, you're cultivating and mentality.

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Okay.

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I want to fight through this adversity.

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I want to fight through this challenge in your regular life that challenges could be one obstacle after another after another after another.

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Right.

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Stack on top of each other.

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So you're sitting there, you're looking at, man, all these problems just stacked up to here.

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Right.

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How can I get over that?

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How can I, how can I defeat that obstacle?

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How can I fight against that opponent per se?

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Right.

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And it looks insurmountable because we're looking at them stack on top of each other.

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Well, what I realized I got to do is focus on one problem at a time.

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Yes.

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Right.

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So if you and your dojo and you're like, we do some call here, we do it, do some call and I take that listen and I, and I spring into them.

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My, my, my students.

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Before we do it.

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I said, this is not about you getting beat about several people because we're going to do some color.

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Ron Robin or Bull and Ray maybe you might call that where you go.

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Well, you're in the middle.

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Right.

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The poems are, they come at you one at a time.

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Okay.

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So each time you have to stop and when that opponent or IE obstacle attacks you, you have to do some to defend yourself against that opponent.

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Right.

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You might be in the ring.

229
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:48,260
You might have been in the middle for the two minutes straight, but it might be three or four people attacking you in those two minutes.

230
00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:51,260
You have to, you have to adjust.

231
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:55,260
Each person can be different size, can be different speed, strength, fighting style.

232
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:56,260
You got to adjust.

233
00:16:56,260 --> 00:16:57,260
You can want to have to come.

234
00:16:57,260 --> 00:16:59,260
You got that on the wheel.

235
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,260
Yeah.

236
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:05,260
You got to take that same mentality and do things in life itself.

237
00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:06,260
Right.

238
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:07,260
I got, man, I got to pay this bill.

239
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,260
Let's just attack that problem.

240
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:10,260
Let's attack the opponent.

241
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:11,260
Right.

242
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:12,260
Let's get that done.

243
00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:13,260
Next one.

244
00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:14,260
All my car broke down.

245
00:17:14,260 --> 00:17:15,260
Okay.

246
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:16,260
Now let's get that taken care of.

247
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,260
My kids are going back to school or they had an issue at school.

248
00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:19,260
Okay.

249
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:20,260
Now that's the next thing.

250
00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:21,260
Let's get that taken care of.

251
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:27,260
And soon we just, we just taking those opponents, those obstacles that fight to each thing.

252
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:32,260
And then you look up, you might, you're past the, you're past the threshold.

253
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,260
Y'all, that's how I start looking at things.

254
00:17:35,260 --> 00:17:37,260
And that's what, that will help to me.

255
00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:39,260
I ain't saying it's going to help everybody else.

256
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:40,260
You know, it's the fight.

257
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:43,260
It's, it's, it's, and I don't mean a physical fight.

258
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,260
It's a mental fight.

259
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:50,260
It's a, a, a, that mentality that we're trying to train and get and get things.

260
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:54,260
And, you know, and hopefully they can find it, that, that motivation.

261
00:17:54,260 --> 00:18:01,260
And maybe me talking here today, reading a book about somebody else or whatever the case

262
00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:09,260
may be, but that's my main reason for sitting down and sharing my, my story and my, my methods.

263
00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:13,260
Cause maybe that might be something to someone else, somebody else can.

264
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,260
Yeah.

265
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:18,260
Most of the time we keep quiet about what we're dealing with because I did that for a long

266
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:19,260
time.

267
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:29,260
I kept everything to myself and something happened with work and I realized I need to

268
00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:32,260
say something because I'm quiet.

269
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:35,260
So sometimes people take that as a weakness.

270
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:41,260
So if I don't speak up, then they just keep coming and keep coming and keep railroadin.

271
00:18:41,260 --> 00:18:46,260
So it's got, it got to the point to where I said, okay, you know what there, I'm seeing

272
00:18:46,260 --> 00:18:47,260
other people go through this.

273
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:51,260
Other people are coming to me because they're dealing with this, this types of situations

274
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,260
as well.

275
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:54,260
So it's time to speak up.

276
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:57,260
It's time to figure out a way to help other people.

277
00:18:57,260 --> 00:19:04,260
One thing I've learned is that when you deal with trauma, especially as a child, like you

278
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:12,260
have and like I have, you, you grow up with those traumas and sometimes you turn to bad

279
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:14,260
and sometimes you turn to good.

280
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:16,260
You're either going to do one of the other.

281
00:19:16,260 --> 00:19:25,260
So I'm glad to see that you, you, you use your trauma to, to be better, to become better.

282
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:31,260
I've known you for a long time and I can see the changes that you've made in yourself.

283
00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:39,260
I can see the growth and I do want to say that and let you know that I see that and

284
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:46,260
that I'm glad that you're helping other people to get better and sharing your story.

285
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:57,260
I mean, you know, the thing I want most is for people to have understanding, like, because

286
00:19:57,260 --> 00:20:02,260
there are so many people that are going through this same type of stuff, right?

287
00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:08,260
You know, the same might not be the exact issues, might not be the exact thing that caused it.

288
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:11,260
But it's the same end result, right?

289
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,260
It's traumatizing to them.

290
00:20:13,260 --> 00:20:14,260
They don't know what to do.

291
00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:16,260
They want to deal with it.

292
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:19,260
You know, say, you know, you have a, you know, a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something and

293
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:24,260
they just don't understand what you're going through, right?

294
00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:29,260
So because they don't understand it and it's not the ideal situation for them.

295
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:32,260
So they just break away from relationships.

296
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:33,260
They just go deal with somebody else.

297
00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:35,260
They think it's easier to deal with, right?

298
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:41,260
So, and then what does that do to the person with this going through the trauma?

299
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,260
How they feel?

300
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:47,260
That just makes them feel like they're even more, more virtual.

301
00:20:47,260 --> 00:20:52,260
So, you know, I'm going to tell you, it was the Christmas before last person.

302
00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:58,260
Yeah, about two years ago, you know, I was very, very, the holidays.

303
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:02,260
I was very, very down all by myself.

304
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:07,260
You know, I haven't given away, I start giving away.

305
00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:09,260
I mean, I had a few thousand dollars in the bank.

306
00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:10,260
I saved up.

307
00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:11,260
I gave it all away.

308
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:15,260
I was going around to homeless people, giving 100 dollar bills.

309
00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:18,260
I had, you know, swords, you know, martial arts stuff.

310
00:21:18,260 --> 00:21:21,260
I had, you know, my video games, my play.

311
00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:23,260
I gave all this stuff away.

312
00:21:23,260 --> 00:21:30,260
Oh, my plan was, my birthday was coming up in December because the right before Christmas.

313
00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:34,260
My plan was to not be here.

314
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:38,260
So I, I'm thinking back on it now.

315
00:21:38,260 --> 00:21:39,260
I just can't leave.

316
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:44,260
I let myself get to that point before I started actually, you know, getting help.

317
00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:48,260
So, you know, I got cut my hair.

318
00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:51,260
I went, bought up some fresh clothes.

319
00:21:51,260 --> 00:21:56,260
I wanted to be dressed nicely when they found my body.

320
00:21:56,260 --> 00:21:57,260
Correct.

321
00:21:57,260 --> 00:22:02,260
I had a few of my friends, the several people.

322
00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:07,260
Explaining to them, and structure though, what I wanted to be done with what I had left.

323
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,260
I haven't nailed them off yet.

324
00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:11,260
I had a pretty nice place.

325
00:22:11,260 --> 00:22:14,260
So I had a, my TV was there and I was on my phone.

326
00:22:14,260 --> 00:22:18,260
I had a little sofa over there and in that sofa over here, I had a bag full of things.

327
00:22:18,260 --> 00:22:22,260
I had written letters to everybody explaining to them why I did what I did.

328
00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:24,260
I left instructions for them.

329
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,260
I had my best clothes that I had bought, had a fresh young kid.

330
00:22:27,260 --> 00:22:32,260
I was, I wanted to make sure that when they found me, I wasn't, and I cleaned my house.

331
00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:33,260
It was spotless.

332
00:22:33,260 --> 00:22:35,260
I went here, but you came to my house and find my body.

333
00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:37,260
I wanted it to be pristine.

334
00:22:37,260 --> 00:22:38,260
You know what I'm saying?

335
00:22:38,260 --> 00:22:41,260
Like I was, my mind was so screwed up.

336
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:43,260
I did not want to be here.

337
00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:47,260
I called people that I thought cared about me.

338
00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:51,260
So both of them were like females that I was dealing with at the time.

339
00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:54,260
I had the same time, but you know, at the, you know, at the time.

340
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,260
So I called one.

341
00:22:56,260 --> 00:22:59,260
She's like, I don't have time to deal with, I can't deal with this right now.

342
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:01,260
And this didn't, and just hung up and blocked.

343
00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:02,260
She actually blocked me.

344
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:04,260
I was telling her, I was feeling she bought me.

345
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:08,260
I called another one and she called the police on me.

346
00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:12,260
She please came to my house and I lied to him.

347
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,260
You know, I said, oh man, I'm good.

348
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:15,260
You know, they didn't really give a shit.

349
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:16,260
You know, they come knocking the door.

350
00:23:16,260 --> 00:23:17,260
Man, you okay?

351
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:18,260
Man, I'm good.

352
00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:19,260
You know, they wait here.

353
00:23:19,260 --> 00:23:21,260
I just took one step inside my house.

354
00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:24,260
I will see my done in my soul for they would have seen.

355
00:23:24,260 --> 00:23:25,260
You know, they didn't kind of visitation.

356
00:23:25,260 --> 00:23:26,260
They would have seen how other things.

357
00:23:26,260 --> 00:23:27,260
I'm wrong.

358
00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:28,260
That would give me a red flag.

359
00:23:28,260 --> 00:23:29,260
Hey, this guy ain't good.

360
00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:30,260
We need to, I don't get some help.

361
00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:32,260
We get I'm saying but they did.

362
00:23:32,260 --> 00:23:34,260
They normally do it.

363
00:23:34,260 --> 00:23:36,260
And it can get gone.

364
00:23:36,260 --> 00:23:42,260
We just got like he goes to a church on Louisiana having to hear in Lafayette.

365
00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:41,820
He goes to a church on Louisiana Avenue here in Lafayette.

366
00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,260
Oh, there's a devil.

367
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:44,860
There was a little thing there.

368
00:23:44,260 --> 00:23:45,260
There's a devil friend.

369
00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:47,260
There was a friend. This is the name I had met him.

370
00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:51,420
She was proud of doing something.

371
00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:52,820
They hung my TV for me.

372
00:23:52,820 --> 00:23:56,380
I had met him through a friend and he was a real big to the church.

373
00:23:56,940 --> 00:23:59,220
He was I was trying to sell stuff because I was trying to he's like a

374
00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:00,460
I was trying to sell.

375
00:24:00,460 --> 00:24:02,460
I mean, he's a good, good guy, good family guy.

376
00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:05,980
And he called me right right in that country.

377
00:24:05,980 --> 00:24:07,300
He called me.

378
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:08,340
He's trying to sell me something.

379
00:24:08,340 --> 00:24:11,020
They're selling some kind of TV package or something else.

380
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:12,460
You know, listening to him.

381
00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:15,300
I'm like, that's what it was calling me right now.

382
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:18,900
And, you know, I was kind of breaking down.

383
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:21,100
I just kind of broke down and told him what I was in the house.

384
00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:22,540
And he's like, man, you don't sound good.

385
00:24:22,540 --> 00:24:24,380
Wait, what's going on?

386
00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:26,380
And I told him what I was going to do.

387
00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:29,780
And he said, you know, he was in the church.

388
00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:33,740
Him and him and his pastor, they came to my house.

389
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:35,300
They sat with me.

390
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:39,620
Those letters I had, I had written, you know, they he took those.

391
00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:43,860
They stayed with me until I was OK, but, you know, a few hours after that.

392
00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:48,140
And I got through that time period.

393
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:52,140
And after that, I really got into, you know, going to church and started,

394
00:24:52,580 --> 00:24:53,780
you know, praying to God.

395
00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:56,780
And that's what really, really, really helped me the most.

396
00:24:56,780 --> 00:24:58,780
Then I started going to counseling.

397
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:03,260
And then I just started just slowly.

398
00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:06,300
Just, you know, you kind of got to know the Michael Jackson, you know,

399
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:08,100
the man, the mirror, right?

400
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:10,900
You kind of got to look yourself in the mirror and you got to have

401
00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:12,900
some tough conversation with yourself.

402
00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:14,980
And you got to kind of get your shit together.

403
00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:18,100
You know, there's kind of lack of better ways to say it.

404
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:22,820
You know, I can't make it no more plain than that.

405
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:25,820
I mean, nobody's coming to save you.

406
00:25:25,820 --> 00:25:29,220
Yeah. You know, you got to work yourself, you know.

407
00:25:30,940 --> 00:25:32,580
And that's what I realized.

408
00:25:32,580 --> 00:25:35,020
I had it was just me, right?

409
00:25:36,540 --> 00:25:38,740
You know, I have to save myself.

410
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:42,220
People can people can lead you to the water.

411
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:44,780
They can they can lead you to where you got to go.

412
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:51,100
But even when you're training, you know, you're an instructor in martial arts.

413
00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:52,780
He can teach you how to throw the kid.

414
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:53,820
He can teach you how to throw the punch.

415
00:25:53,820 --> 00:25:57,620
You can teach you all those things that you to apply to, right away.

416
00:25:57,780 --> 00:26:00,900
Right. So same thing with this.

417
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:06,900
So I took advantage of what was what was handed to me with God.

418
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:11,300
I feel like God put him in my life for that reason, for that reason.

419
00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:17,100
And I met the owner of the school's name, Mr. Harry, Harry Duyong.

420
00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:19,500
He's the owner of this place.

421
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:25,980
And he's given me a chance to kind of pour that into other people, you know.

422
00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:30,220
Oh, God truly believe I have a passion for training.

423
00:26:30,220 --> 00:26:32,140
I love teaching people.

424
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:36,620
I think doing it through martial arts or physical training is so much of a better

425
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:41,940
way than doing it through drugs or alcohol, even popping those pills

426
00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:44,260
that the doctors give you for depression.

427
00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:48,900
All that. How about we get in here and we get your body to get yourself physically fit?

428
00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:53,260
And physical fitness can lead to mental fitness.

429
00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:56,340
And then, you know, we know, we got to know like a family here.

430
00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:58,100
You know, we people have issues.

431
00:26:58,100 --> 00:27:04,700
We sit around and we talk about, you know, and all that we can do here.

432
00:27:05,420 --> 00:27:07,260
Yeah, I'm not saying I would get professional help yet.

433
00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:09,260
We'll be on account for this personally.

434
00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:12,820
But how about we do?

435
00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:15,660
We do I do diligence and let's help people.

436
00:27:15,660 --> 00:27:17,180
Let's take care of each other.

437
00:27:17,180 --> 00:27:18,980
Don't just shun somebody away.

438
00:27:18,980 --> 00:27:22,060
Oh, he got that. He got that PTSD.

439
00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:23,940
You know, that's not no no STD.

440
00:27:23,940 --> 00:27:28,700
You know, it's not it's not something that you can take a pill and get rid of.

441
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:31,100
It's something that you've got to constantly work on.

442
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:36,900
And I just think the world, us as a whole, we just don't care about each other anymore.

443
00:27:37,300 --> 00:27:38,340
Yeah, yeah.

444
00:27:38,340 --> 00:27:40,300
That's basically the bottom line.

445
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:44,220
If everybody and they tell me I care about somebody that you can get something from.

446
00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:45,580
Right.

447
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,580
Oh, there's people in general.

448
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:51,820
They use to care about somebody that, oh, if I deal with this person,

449
00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:53,860
I get this in return.

450
00:27:53,860 --> 00:27:58,420
How about being a good person?

451
00:27:58,860 --> 00:28:02,420
See somebody and he whether it be mental, physical,

452
00:28:02,660 --> 00:28:05,460
you know, I know most people don't have a lot of this hope and income nowadays

453
00:28:05,460 --> 00:28:06,780
because it comes so bad.

454
00:28:06,780 --> 00:28:09,980
We know what's what's what's giving somebody five, ten dollars

455
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:13,260
if they need they hungry or need a meal or whatever.

456
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:14,860
I don't see nothing wrong with that.

457
00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:15,940
But that's just me.

458
00:28:15,940 --> 00:28:20,100
I mean, I mean, I think my mentality is you don't fall between them.

459
00:28:20,620 --> 00:28:22,740
You know, I don't think people really feel that way anymore.

460
00:28:22,740 --> 00:28:24,980
Everybody's just worried about themselves and.

461
00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:30,380
And that's why we are in the place we are now as a society, you know.

462
00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,900
You got somebody that's got going through things I'm going through.

463
00:28:35,300 --> 00:28:37,100
I could have easily chose the other route.

464
00:28:37,780 --> 00:28:39,300
Right. Yeah.

465
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:42,980
And then with my physical abilities, my physical size and where I look.

466
00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:46,260
You know, I could have been killed by some police officer

467
00:28:46,980 --> 00:28:50,740
because I got in the I get pulled over or I go somewhere

468
00:28:50,740 --> 00:28:53,420
because I'm not mentally stable, I'm doing dumb shit, you know,

469
00:28:53,820 --> 00:28:56,860
please get called and because of where I look, I get I'm gunned down.

470
00:28:57,940 --> 00:28:58,740
You know, they don't talk.

471
00:28:58,740 --> 00:29:00,540
They're not going to negotiate with me.

472
00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:01,580
I could have even been there.

473
00:29:01,580 --> 00:29:03,100
I could have either been locked up in jail somewhere.

474
00:29:03,100 --> 00:29:04,900
I could easily.

475
00:29:05,260 --> 00:29:08,460
I could have easily chose the other route to go.

476
00:29:09,620 --> 00:29:12,420
But for whatever reason, I don't even know why I chose that route.

477
00:29:12,900 --> 00:29:17,220
You know, I know growing up my my dad, you know, I always watch him train a lot

478
00:29:17,220 --> 00:29:22,140
with the police officer to back home. And one thing I remember

479
00:29:22,900 --> 00:29:25,580
being grown up in that house, so he was always training.

480
00:29:25,620 --> 00:29:27,580
You know, it would be guys come to our house

481
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:31,340
or the police officers and I would go watch them train.

482
00:29:31,780 --> 00:29:34,380
Yeah. You know, these are these are black men.

483
00:29:34,860 --> 00:29:38,140
These, you know, and I and I will look at them in all these.

484
00:29:38,140 --> 00:29:43,700
They're to me, they look like, you know, you know, a lot of six, seven, eight,

485
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:46,660
nine or the time that that time period.

486
00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:50,180
And I'm just watching these men who are idolized,

487
00:29:50,860 --> 00:29:54,940
you know, lifting weights and running, shooting, I mean, doing all these

488
00:29:54,940 --> 00:30:00,300
amazing things. I'm just like, these are these are just this is what a man is to me.

489
00:30:00,580 --> 00:30:06,260
You know, man, it should be this is what he should be, you know, physically fit, strong.

490
00:30:07,460 --> 00:30:09,460
I mean, they were all a little more muscular.

491
00:30:09,540 --> 00:30:11,260
You know, these wasn't some.

492
00:30:11,260 --> 00:30:16,540
So that's kind of how, you know, my eyes will do to that is what a man

493
00:30:16,540 --> 00:30:19,260
should look like, you know, so that's just me.

494
00:30:19,260 --> 00:30:20,620
I'm not saying that's how it should be.

495
00:30:20,620 --> 00:30:25,260
I'm just saying that's, you know, probably why I geared myself towards

496
00:30:25,940 --> 00:30:31,540
the physical part, then going towards, you know, drugs, alcohol, you know, stuff like that.

497
00:30:32,100 --> 00:30:35,940
So so on the flip side, if I had seen drugs

498
00:30:35,940 --> 00:30:38,020
growing up, I had seen alcoholism growing up.

499
00:30:38,020 --> 00:30:39,620
I had seen those things.

500
00:30:39,620 --> 00:30:41,020
I probably would have turned towards those things.

501
00:30:41,020 --> 00:30:41,780
That's what I would have known.

502
00:30:41,780 --> 00:30:44,500
But I didn't see that. I saw people working out.

503
00:30:44,500 --> 00:30:45,460
I saw people going to the gym.

504
00:30:45,460 --> 00:30:46,780
I saw people training in martial arts.

505
00:30:46,780 --> 00:30:50,420
I saw people doing so when I that's what I

506
00:30:51,780 --> 00:30:54,100
be your toward when I had issues.

507
00:30:54,100 --> 00:31:00,060
So but at the same time, I didn't do the second step,

508
00:31:00,180 --> 00:31:03,060
which I didn't I didn't go professional counselor.

509
00:31:03,060 --> 00:31:05,020
I didn't go talk to anybody.

510
00:31:05,020 --> 00:31:09,460
I held all this stuff in and I will only let it out in the gym.

511
00:31:10,060 --> 00:31:12,380
I will let it out in training.

512
00:31:12,380 --> 00:31:15,300
I will let out when we're sparring somebody.

513
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:18,140
I will let out then.

514
00:31:18,140 --> 00:31:21,300
And but that was only temporary fix.

515
00:31:21,900 --> 00:31:26,140
I've never ever ever got to the root of the issue until recently.

516
00:31:26,580 --> 00:31:30,980
So OK, I'm going to revert back to your childhood for a little bit.

517
00:31:31,420 --> 00:31:35,900
So how has your childhood experience impacted your approach

518
00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:38,460
to building and maintain relationships as an adult?

519
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:46,340
Well, at first it was it was a bad one, you know, because I didn't trust people.

520
00:31:46,340 --> 00:31:51,340
And if, you know, plus not having, you know, you know, people

521
00:31:52,060 --> 00:31:56,220
send out to realize how important a father figure is.

522
00:31:56,420 --> 00:31:58,980
I remember seeing my my mom and dad interact.

523
00:32:00,100 --> 00:32:01,340
They never argued in front of us.

524
00:32:01,340 --> 00:32:05,940
My dad was always mostly a workman when he was home.

525
00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:10,500
Oh, he was even to my mom made more money than he did

526
00:32:10,500 --> 00:32:12,260
because he was probably a nurse.

527
00:32:12,460 --> 00:32:15,860
But he would get the checkbook out first of the month.

528
00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:18,100
He would get all the bills.

529
00:32:18,300 --> 00:32:20,660
And I will see him at he would grab his calculator.

530
00:32:20,660 --> 00:32:24,580
I can remember like yesterday's like my word on a kitchen table.

531
00:32:24,580 --> 00:32:26,500
You know, old school couldn't do it on your phone.

532
00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:29,860
You had to you had to go right to the top, you know, so he had this

533
00:32:29,860 --> 00:32:32,140
this this manual calculator, right?

534
00:32:32,460 --> 00:32:34,860
He was having sitting there and underneath it would be

535
00:32:34,860 --> 00:32:36,860
you know, some some legal pass.

536
00:32:36,860 --> 00:32:37,860
He'll be right now.

537
00:32:37,860 --> 00:32:41,460
So then on the on the right side of him would be the bills, right?

538
00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:42,860
He will go take the bill.

539
00:32:42,860 --> 00:32:43,860
He will go.

540
00:32:43,860 --> 00:32:47,860
I guess he's subtracting the balance from the tick book.

541
00:32:47,860 --> 00:32:48,860
They brought a check.

542
00:32:48,860 --> 00:32:49,860
You know, you had to go to the mail.

543
00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:51,860
You had to mail them off back in the day, right?

544
00:32:51,860 --> 00:32:52,860
So you had to go.

545
00:32:52,860 --> 00:32:54,860
You had to have had to have a whole stamp to have the envelope.

546
00:32:54,860 --> 00:32:57,860
I remember this like like it was yesterday.

547
00:32:57,860 --> 00:32:59,860
He would take the take the checks.

548
00:32:59,860 --> 00:33:01,860
You'll put them in the envelope.

549
00:33:01,860 --> 00:33:05,860
Post office is not too far from my house to what will, you know,

550
00:33:05,860 --> 00:33:06,860
there's a Walker.

551
00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:09,860
So sometimes he would die all around my bike behind and we'll go to the

552
00:33:09,860 --> 00:33:10,860
post office.

553
00:33:10,860 --> 00:33:12,860
And I'll mail everything off.

554
00:33:12,860 --> 00:33:15,860
You'll say stuff to me like, you know, two things.

555
00:33:15,860 --> 00:33:21,860
You can be poor as dirt and be in shape and clean.

556
00:33:21,860 --> 00:33:23,860
You mean you got to be rich when you want to, right?

557
00:33:23,860 --> 00:33:24,860
Yeah.

558
00:33:24,860 --> 00:33:28,860
Oh, my mom would say stuff to me like, you know, God blesses you to

559
00:33:28,860 --> 00:33:29,860
bless other people.

560
00:33:29,860 --> 00:33:30,860
Right.

561
00:33:30,860 --> 00:33:34,860
So, you know, if I become a millionaire one day, that money ain't

562
00:33:34,860 --> 00:33:35,860
for you.

563
00:33:35,860 --> 00:33:36,860
That's for everybody else.

564
00:33:36,860 --> 00:33:39,860
You know, that's the thing that she would, she would say to me.

565
00:33:39,860 --> 00:33:45,860
But with that being said, it's like an older.

566
00:33:45,860 --> 00:33:49,860
Once all that happened, you know, I lost that guidance for a long time.

567
00:33:49,860 --> 00:33:50,860
I didn't know.

568
00:33:50,860 --> 00:33:53,860
So the thing is, I mentioned it from a day, you know, I had to learn

569
00:33:53,860 --> 00:33:56,860
about women, which I don't still don't know anything about.

570
00:33:56,860 --> 00:34:00,860
I had to, you know, learn how to handle business.

571
00:34:00,860 --> 00:34:05,860
I in college, I went to college, my roommate, he had his dad was a

572
00:34:05,860 --> 00:34:06,860
state trooper.

573
00:34:06,860 --> 00:34:08,860
So his dad was, him and his dad were kissing them.

574
00:34:08,860 --> 00:34:09,860
Kissed.

575
00:34:09,860 --> 00:34:11,860
They were real affectionate.

576
00:34:11,860 --> 00:34:14,860
We just like, man, I will look at them strange.

577
00:34:14,860 --> 00:34:17,860
His dad will come and he, they will get a hug.

578
00:34:17,860 --> 00:34:19,860
You know, I'm not talking about this all over each other.

579
00:34:19,860 --> 00:34:22,860
I just, he showed him so much love and compassion.

580
00:34:22,860 --> 00:34:24,860
I just didn't understand that.

581
00:34:24,860 --> 00:34:27,860
But you know, I had to buy my own car in college.

582
00:34:27,860 --> 00:34:29,860
You know, his dad bought his car.

583
00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:30,860
So we both got caught at the same time.

584
00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:32,860
So mine was off my split.

585
00:34:32,860 --> 00:34:34,860
And his was, that was handed to him.

586
00:34:34,860 --> 00:34:36,860
But then we got to a wreck.

587
00:34:36,860 --> 00:34:38,860
No, he got through it before I did.

588
00:34:38,860 --> 00:34:40,860
He got to a wreck.

589
00:34:40,860 --> 00:34:41,860
He called his dad.

590
00:34:41,860 --> 00:34:44,860
If dad comes down, tastes care of the gifts.

591
00:34:44,860 --> 00:34:48,860
And no, in a month, he's in a new car and everything is taken care of.

592
00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:49,860
I get to a wreck.

593
00:34:49,860 --> 00:34:51,860
I have no idea what to do.

594
00:34:51,860 --> 00:34:52,860
I have nobody to call.

595
00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:55,860
I had to figure it out on my own.

596
00:34:55,860 --> 00:34:57,860
You know, I didn't know the car.

597
00:34:57,860 --> 00:34:59,860
I had an insurance without, I just knew to pay the bills.

598
00:34:59,860 --> 00:35:03,860
I don't have to call a person to go get a, to get a, a, a, a,

599
00:35:03,860 --> 00:35:05,860
the estimate and the person had to come.

600
00:35:05,860 --> 00:35:08,860
Just didn't give me a, I didn't know none of that.

601
00:35:08,860 --> 00:35:09,860
Yeah.

602
00:35:09,860 --> 00:35:10,860
I didn't know.

603
00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:12,860
So it's a little thing like that.

604
00:35:12,860 --> 00:35:14,860
I didn't, you know, I didn't have, I just don't do my half thousand college.

605
00:35:14,860 --> 00:35:16,860
So I didn't know how to shave.

606
00:35:16,860 --> 00:35:17,860
Right.

607
00:35:17,860 --> 00:35:21,860
My college roommate, the one I just said, he, she taught me how to shave.

608
00:35:21,860 --> 00:35:23,860
He taught me how to take care of a vehicle.

609
00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:27,860
You know, he showed me how to keep it clean, check the oil, all those things.

610
00:35:27,860 --> 00:35:30,860
I didn't know how to do it because I had nobody to do it.

611
00:35:30,860 --> 00:35:31,860
Right.

612
00:35:31,860 --> 00:35:35,860
He only, I don't think he even knows this, this point that he was teaching me these

613
00:35:35,860 --> 00:35:36,860
things.

614
00:35:36,860 --> 00:35:39,860
And I was, but I was like, I've never told you.

615
00:35:39,860 --> 00:35:41,860
So I didn't know.

616
00:35:41,860 --> 00:35:45,860
You know, so those things, like you asked me how those things as a child,

617
00:35:45,860 --> 00:35:50,860
I think you as a, as an adult in relationship, you know, because, you know,

618
00:35:50,860 --> 00:35:52,860
I'm looking at people.

619
00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:54,860
And I'm so quiet.

620
00:35:54,860 --> 00:35:58,860
So now I'm being more observant about things around me.

621
00:35:58,860 --> 00:36:00,860
No, when you're all reserved and stuff, what are you doing?

622
00:36:00,860 --> 00:36:02,860
You're quiet, right?

623
00:36:02,860 --> 00:36:03,860
You don't talk much.

624
00:36:03,860 --> 00:36:06,860
So people look at you like, why are you talking?

625
00:36:06,860 --> 00:36:07,860
Yeah.

626
00:36:07,860 --> 00:36:08,860
Something was wrong.

627
00:36:08,860 --> 00:36:12,860
But really, I'm just trying to learn because I don't really know what's going on.

628
00:36:12,860 --> 00:36:13,860
Right.

629
00:36:13,860 --> 00:36:18,860
It's just wise, you know, just, you know, we had a big family growing up.

630
00:36:18,860 --> 00:36:20,860
But once all those things happened, our family split.

631
00:36:20,860 --> 00:36:22,860
So I didn't see my family.

632
00:36:22,860 --> 00:36:24,860
So we didn't have family functions or anything like that.

633
00:36:24,860 --> 00:36:29,860
So when I got with someone or they should wise they had family functions.

634
00:36:29,860 --> 00:36:34,860
I didn't know how you're sitting in the corner looking like, well, dang, this is how it

635
00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:35,860
was supposed to be.

636
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:39,860
I was so amazed by just the smallest things.

637
00:36:39,860 --> 00:36:41,860
I didn't have that.

638
00:36:41,860 --> 00:36:45,860
No, just some, some of us having a family around.

639
00:36:45,860 --> 00:36:47,860
I was like, man, I didn't, I've never had.

640
00:36:47,860 --> 00:36:48,860
I had a family functions.

641
00:36:48,860 --> 00:36:54,860
I was like, eight, nine years old, you know, so I didn't know how to look, you know, it

642
00:36:54,860 --> 00:36:58,860
just seems like that, you know, we deal with other people.

643
00:36:58,860 --> 00:37:01,860
They think that should be easy for you to do.

644
00:37:01,860 --> 00:37:02,860
Right.

645
00:37:02,860 --> 00:37:07,860
And that traumatic experience for your childhood that took away from you know, the abilities

646
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:12,860
to somebody to show you that I'm wondering that I'm being that environment that how am I

647
00:37:12,860 --> 00:37:18,860
supposed to know how am I supposed to, to adjust to it when I've never been in that

648
00:37:18,860 --> 00:37:19,860
situation.

649
00:37:19,860 --> 00:37:22,860
Like being in crowds of people, I wasn't comfortable.

650
00:37:22,860 --> 00:37:25,860
I wasn't comfortable, you know, talking to people.

651
00:37:25,860 --> 00:37:30,860
You know, because you kind of lose a little of your self worth.

652
00:37:30,860 --> 00:37:36,860
Me personally, I was told, I wasn't, I was told a lot of native things about myself.

653
00:37:36,860 --> 00:37:47,860
So it killed my self image of myself, my self confidence, my self worth, you know, those

654
00:37:47,860 --> 00:37:54,860
are things I'm just now starting to get, get back, you know.

655
00:37:54,860 --> 00:38:00,860
So your communication skills, it was hard to develop those as a child, because of your

656
00:38:00,860 --> 00:38:01,860
traumatic experience.

657
00:38:01,860 --> 00:38:07,860
So how, how did you develop those and what's the difference of how your skills used to

658
00:38:07,860 --> 00:38:09,860
be versus how they are now.

659
00:38:09,860 --> 00:38:11,860
Emotional part, I still, I still work on that.

660
00:38:11,860 --> 00:38:17,860
I don't like to show them a lot, but communicating was, I mean, just like now I have a student

661
00:38:17,860 --> 00:38:19,860
that I got to teach now.

662
00:38:19,860 --> 00:38:21,860
So I got to be a communicator.

663
00:38:21,860 --> 00:38:27,860
And I think, you know, martial arts helped me in that because of even at the police department,

664
00:38:27,860 --> 00:38:32,860
one of my jobs was to teach cadets.

665
00:38:32,860 --> 00:38:33,860
Right.

666
00:38:33,860 --> 00:38:34,860
So I had no choice.

667
00:38:34,860 --> 00:38:36,860
I had to be able to communicate.

668
00:38:36,860 --> 00:38:37,860
Right.

669
00:38:37,860 --> 00:38:41,860
That department didn't want to hear no excuses about my childhood trauma.

670
00:38:41,860 --> 00:38:46,860
Why can't I communicate to these people on how to do whatever I'm teaching them to do.

671
00:38:46,860 --> 00:38:47,860
Right.

672
00:38:47,860 --> 00:38:50,860
So I kind of had to, you know, crash and burn it.

673
00:38:50,860 --> 00:38:54,860
So I had to go from being so shy and timid.

674
00:38:54,860 --> 00:38:59,860
Didn't want anybody to look at me because I thought I was such an unattractive, ugly person

675
00:38:59,860 --> 00:39:05,860
because that's what I was told I was to not have to stand in front of, you know, 30, 40 people

676
00:39:05,860 --> 00:39:11,860
and pretend to be this self-confident, reassuring person when I was none of that.

677
00:39:11,860 --> 00:39:12,860
Right.

678
00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:14,860
Inside, I was none of that.

679
00:39:14,860 --> 00:39:17,860
I had to predict something that I didn't feel I was.

680
00:39:17,860 --> 00:39:23,860
But now I've had to develop that as far as, I mean, like I say, I still got work to do

681
00:39:23,860 --> 00:39:27,860
as far as emotional, emotional stuff.

682
00:39:27,860 --> 00:39:31,860
It's just hard to trust people with your feelings, you know, even when we're talking to under

683
00:39:31,860 --> 00:39:40,860
the spot as, you know, you're opening yourself up to other people's opinions.

684
00:39:40,860 --> 00:39:42,860
People's opinions.

685
00:39:42,860 --> 00:39:45,860
Everybody's going to have one.

686
00:39:45,860 --> 00:39:46,860
Right.

687
00:39:46,860 --> 00:39:49,860
Everybody's going like, well, he could have, you know, he could have done this, he could have done that.

688
00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:55,860
Well, you know, unless you're in a situation you don't know and know as a child, you know,

689
00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:59,860
I remember this happened to me as a child.

690
00:39:59,860 --> 00:40:05,860
So as a child, you don't even understand what's going on.

691
00:40:05,860 --> 00:40:10,860
For me, I became kind of like a recluse.

692
00:40:10,860 --> 00:40:16,860
I just, I kind of drew into myself once all that negative stuff happened around me.

693
00:40:16,860 --> 00:40:21,860
It's kind of like, I don't know, I was a Dragon Ball Z fan, right?

694
00:40:21,860 --> 00:40:24,860
I still am.

695
00:40:24,860 --> 00:40:34,860
And I would always veer towards, you know, when the characters, when they power up, they

696
00:40:34,860 --> 00:40:36,860
have this force field around them, right?

697
00:40:36,860 --> 00:40:41,860
And, you know, when they transform, they kind of, they all, they scream, they let out these

698
00:40:41,860 --> 00:40:42,860
energy fields.

699
00:40:42,860 --> 00:40:46,860
And when they're doing these, when they do these transformations, these energy fields

700
00:40:46,860 --> 00:40:50,860
around them, and when they're in an energy field, it's kind of hard for anything to penetrate.

701
00:40:50,860 --> 00:40:51,860
Right.

702
00:40:51,860 --> 00:40:53,860
So that's kind of the standard I took.

703
00:40:53,860 --> 00:40:59,860
I'm just going to surround myself in this cocoon, this energy field to where, you know,

704
00:40:59,860 --> 00:41:01,860
people can't hurt me anymore.

705
00:41:01,860 --> 00:41:02,860
Right.

706
00:41:02,860 --> 00:41:09,860
But in doing that, you know, you really, you really retard your development as far as

707
00:41:09,860 --> 00:41:16,860
communicating skills, emotional skills, relationship skills, all those things you need to develop

708
00:41:16,860 --> 00:41:21,860
a relationship where, man, I didn't get chances to develop those, right?

709
00:41:21,860 --> 00:41:26,860
So in your relationship I was in, I didn't know what I, I didn't realize that what I

710
00:41:26,860 --> 00:41:28,860
was doing was detrimental to it.

711
00:41:28,860 --> 00:41:32,860
I thought I was just being how I needed to be to protect myself.

712
00:41:32,860 --> 00:41:34,860
I was being so selfish.

713
00:41:34,860 --> 00:41:36,860
I wasn't thinking about the other person.

714
00:41:36,860 --> 00:41:38,860
You know what I'm saying?

715
00:41:38,860 --> 00:41:44,860
I realized, which has been now, I would be over the relationship more or so because I

716
00:41:44,860 --> 00:41:48,860
realized my, my deficiencies, right?

717
00:41:48,860 --> 00:41:56,860
So now that I know what I, what I was doing wrong all this time, I can fix it, right?

718
00:41:56,860 --> 00:42:01,860
I can be self aware of, okay, I can't be this way.

719
00:42:01,860 --> 00:42:02,860
Yeah.

720
00:42:02,860 --> 00:42:07,860
And also if my partner is having an issue about, you know, something, because of what I've

721
00:42:07,860 --> 00:42:12,860
done, I can recognize it and I might get help or through it if she lets me, you know.

722
00:42:12,860 --> 00:42:13,860
Okay.

723
00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:18,860
So what advice would you give to other children or young adults who have experienced the loss

724
00:42:18,860 --> 00:42:23,860
of a parent or both parents at a young age?

725
00:42:23,860 --> 00:42:27,860
If you are a child and you're going through and it's something fairly new and I'm, you

726
00:42:27,860 --> 00:42:32,860
know, looking at the news, I'm seeing stuff happening all the time, those children, it's

727
00:42:32,860 --> 00:42:38,860
going to be hard for them to, they're going to have to hopefully help an adult in their

728
00:42:38,860 --> 00:42:42,860
life that cares about them enough to give them help because they're not going to be

729
00:42:42,860 --> 00:42:45,860
able to get it themselves, you know.

730
00:42:45,860 --> 00:42:50,860
And I just pray to those children get the help they need because they don't get the

731
00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:53,860
help they need at that age when it happens.

732
00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:55,860
I got lucky.

733
00:42:55,860 --> 00:43:03,860
I was able to keep my wisdom by myself and not end up, you know, I could have been that

734
00:43:03,860 --> 00:43:06,860
crazy son of a bitch trying to kill Trump my son of a bitch.

735
00:43:06,860 --> 00:43:07,860
You know what I'm saying?

736
00:43:07,860 --> 00:43:08,860
Because my mom was all messed up.

737
00:43:08,860 --> 00:43:13,860
I was filled by the grace of God that I didn't go that way.

738
00:43:13,860 --> 00:43:15,860
I could have gone that way.

739
00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:20,860
It was very easy for me just to say, you know what, hurt people, I'm hurt, I'm going to

740
00:43:20,860 --> 00:43:21,860
hurt other people, right?

741
00:43:21,860 --> 00:43:22,860
What did I say?

742
00:43:22,860 --> 00:43:23,860
Hurt people hurt people?

743
00:43:23,860 --> 00:43:24,860
Yeah.

744
00:43:24,860 --> 00:43:29,860
It's easy to just let yourself go easy to just do that.

745
00:43:29,860 --> 00:43:32,860
But for some reason I just didn't.

746
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:36,860
And I was just praying for those children that somebody somebody in their life, some

747
00:43:36,860 --> 00:43:42,860
concerned adult will get them the help that they need as an adult.

748
00:43:42,860 --> 00:43:48,860
If you're still dealing with trauma from a child, you're going to have to stop blaming

749
00:43:48,860 --> 00:43:49,860
other people.

750
00:43:49,860 --> 00:43:51,860
Which is what I was doing.

751
00:43:51,860 --> 00:43:55,860
I was every time something went wrong, why don't she understand?

752
00:43:55,860 --> 00:43:57,860
Why can't she understand me?

753
00:43:57,860 --> 00:43:59,860
I am not like it.

754
00:43:59,860 --> 00:44:00,860
You know what?

755
00:44:00,860 --> 00:44:02,860
You've got to face yourself.

756
00:44:02,860 --> 00:44:05,860
You've got to look yourself in the mirror.

757
00:44:05,860 --> 00:44:08,860
You've got to do the work on yourself.

758
00:44:08,860 --> 00:44:10,860
You're not a child no more, right?

759
00:44:10,860 --> 00:44:15,860
Don't have the excuse of, you know, oh, this happened to me when I was a kid.

760
00:44:15,860 --> 00:44:17,860
Yeah, it happened to me when I was a kid.

761
00:44:17,860 --> 00:44:25,860
And I'm going to say this, yeah, people should understand more, right?

762
00:44:25,860 --> 00:44:27,860
People should be more compassionate about that.

763
00:44:27,860 --> 00:44:29,860
But it's not the reality.

764
00:44:29,860 --> 00:44:31,860
It's just not right.

765
00:44:31,860 --> 00:44:35,860
You know, you got so many people that are just walking away from somebody because of

766
00:44:35,860 --> 00:44:38,860
stuff that, and I thought was someone's there.

767
00:44:38,860 --> 00:44:43,860
You know, I was like, man, you deal with somebody and then when you tell them about your past,

768
00:44:43,860 --> 00:44:45,860
right, they ain't going to do with you.

769
00:44:45,860 --> 00:44:47,860
It's about some of your parents did, right?

770
00:44:47,860 --> 00:44:49,860
Your father did.

771
00:44:49,860 --> 00:44:53,860
And they walk all your life because they just said, man, if this happened to you as a child,

772
00:44:53,860 --> 00:44:56,860
they're in a way you could be straight now.

773
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,860
So they leave you alone.

774
00:44:58,860 --> 00:45:04,860
They make a decision to like whatever issue you might have, they don't want to deal with it.

775
00:45:04,860 --> 00:45:06,860
So they have to do it, right?

776
00:45:06,860 --> 00:45:08,860
I thought there was someone there.

777
00:45:08,860 --> 00:45:14,860
I would be like, man, there's someone fair for me to be penalized because of something that I had nothing to do with.

778
00:45:14,860 --> 00:45:15,860
Right?

779
00:45:15,860 --> 00:45:25,860
However, now that I understand those people who decide to walk away from you because of some kind of trauma that you had nothing to do with,

780
00:45:25,860 --> 00:45:27,860
those people want the most for you, right?

781
00:45:27,860 --> 00:45:31,860
They walked away from you, the main room for the person that is for you.

782
00:45:31,860 --> 00:45:40,860
And before you can deal with and damage that person, you need to fix yourself from the door.

783
00:45:40,860 --> 00:45:42,860
You have to do it.

784
00:45:42,860 --> 00:45:47,860
And just know it is an ongoing process.

785
00:45:47,860 --> 00:45:53,860
You're going to have some great days and every now and then you're going to have a bad day,

786
00:45:53,860 --> 00:45:57,860
but you need to try to limit the bad days.

787
00:45:57,860 --> 00:45:59,860
So they're having a one bad day of weeks.

788
00:45:59,860 --> 00:46:01,860
You try to have one bad day a month.

789
00:46:01,860 --> 00:46:07,860
Then go from one bad day a month to, you know, a couple of bad days a year.

790
00:46:07,860 --> 00:46:09,860
Is that possible?

791
00:46:09,860 --> 00:46:11,860
Yeah, it's possible.

792
00:46:11,860 --> 00:46:17,860
You just have to, you have to just, you have to, man, you got to be so much, you got to be so self-aware of yourself.

793
00:46:17,860 --> 00:46:18,860
You get what I'm saying?

794
00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:24,860
Like you have to kind of, can you kind of feel things in your side of your body whenever you have an issue with something?

795
00:46:24,860 --> 00:46:26,860
Maybe you can test this.

796
00:46:26,860 --> 00:46:29,860
Can you feel the change inside you coming on?

797
00:46:29,860 --> 00:46:31,860
Because you understand yourself now.

798
00:46:31,860 --> 00:46:36,860
So you take steps like, okay, I'm feeling this way.

799
00:46:36,860 --> 00:46:38,860
I feel it coming.

800
00:46:38,860 --> 00:46:40,860
So how do you deal with that?

801
00:46:40,860 --> 00:46:42,860
How do you stay in your house?

802
00:46:42,860 --> 00:46:43,860
Do you work with people?

803
00:46:43,860 --> 00:46:48,860
Maybe go watch a movie, go do something you enjoy, go do something like that.

804
00:46:48,860 --> 00:46:55,860
And then that brings you back, you know, to where you need to be so you can continue on with your day.

805
00:46:55,860 --> 00:46:59,860
That's how I will tell an adult to deal with it.

806
00:46:59,860 --> 00:47:04,860
But the one thing you cannot do is hold it in.

807
00:47:04,860 --> 00:47:09,860
You can't hold it in because it's going to destroy you.

808
00:47:09,860 --> 00:47:11,860
It's going to destroy you.

809
00:47:11,860 --> 00:47:18,860
Looking back, what do you wish people had known or understood about your situation as you were growing up?

810
00:47:18,860 --> 00:47:24,860
I don't think them knowing because I mean back then while I'm from everybody knew.

811
00:47:24,860 --> 00:47:26,860
Nobody would talk to me, of course.

812
00:47:26,860 --> 00:47:30,860
I just wish people would have restarted and asked me without okay.

813
00:47:30,860 --> 00:47:32,860
Instead of assuming if I was okay.

814
00:47:32,860 --> 00:47:33,860
That's it.

815
00:47:33,860 --> 00:47:35,860
Because I wasn't okay.

816
00:47:35,860 --> 00:47:36,860
Yeah.

817
00:47:36,860 --> 00:47:39,860
You're experienced with trauma.

818
00:47:39,860 --> 00:47:45,860
Has that influenced the way you react to other people who's dealing with trauma?

819
00:47:45,860 --> 00:47:47,860
Yes, because I understand it.

820
00:47:47,860 --> 00:47:53,860
I can tell you now one of our students is going through something and she was talking about it.

821
00:47:53,860 --> 00:47:56,860
My mind I'm like, that's not that big deal.

822
00:47:56,860 --> 00:48:00,860
However, you know, to them it is a big deal.

823
00:48:00,860 --> 00:48:03,860
So before I understand it.

824
00:48:03,860 --> 00:48:12,860
But now, man, you know, people don't understand how much just somebody listening to you.

825
00:48:12,860 --> 00:48:13,860
Yes.

826
00:48:13,860 --> 00:48:14,860
Right.

827
00:48:14,860 --> 00:48:15,860
Just you being a listening ear to somebody.

828
00:48:15,860 --> 00:48:17,860
How far that'll go.

829
00:48:17,860 --> 00:48:18,860
Right.

830
00:48:18,860 --> 00:48:23,860
Somebody called you who's having a problem.

831
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:24,860
Right.

832
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:25,860
You don't understand.

833
00:48:25,860 --> 00:48:32,860
People don't understand you being that listening ear could be the difference between them hanging up their phone and getting help.

834
00:48:32,860 --> 00:48:35,860
Or hang up their phone, put up a gun.

835
00:48:35,860 --> 00:48:42,860
I think people need to need to realize that, you know, stop being so selfish.

836
00:48:42,860 --> 00:48:49,860
And if somebody call somebody thinks enough for you to call you for help.

837
00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:54,860
Do your best to help and all that and all that probably means is listening.

838
00:48:54,860 --> 00:48:56,860
Yeah.

839
00:48:56,860 --> 00:49:04,860
It don't cost no amount of money to listen to somebody because I don't think it does at this point.

840
00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:05,860
All right.

841
00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:09,860
Oh, it don't cause you no money to listen to somebody.

842
00:49:09,860 --> 00:49:14,860
And if they think enough for you to call you because they haven't they gone through a tough time.

843
00:49:14,860 --> 00:49:16,860
Then listen to them.

844
00:49:16,860 --> 00:49:23,860
That can that can be the distance between you don't know what you could be saving them from doing they can be getting ready to go hurt somebody else.

845
00:49:23,860 --> 00:49:29,860
They can be getting ready to go hurt themselves. They can be getting ready to make some real bad decision.

846
00:49:29,860 --> 00:49:35,860
Some other kind of decision that that's decolonizing legally but they called you and your words to them.

847
00:49:35,860 --> 00:49:41,860
Help you know or you just letting them vent to you on the phone or in person or whatever occasion may be.

848
00:49:41,860 --> 00:49:48,860
So I just I just really want people just to be a listening ear.

849
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:52,860
You know, don't be so quick to just throw people away.

850
00:49:52,860 --> 00:49:57,860
When they know don't be nobody's crutch.

851
00:49:57,860 --> 00:50:00,860
Because at some point time they got to they got to kind of walk on their own.

852
00:50:00,860 --> 00:50:01,860
I'm saying.

853
00:50:01,860 --> 00:50:05,860
Oh, but you know, help got help help them.

854
00:50:05,860 --> 00:50:16,860
You know, and if you and if you can't, if you if you're not able to listen, we're not able to be there for them and be that listen here because you just got your own stuff going on.

855
00:50:16,860 --> 00:50:22,860
And don't just be like, oh man, forget this. You know, just throw them away. Say, hey, you know, you know what?

856
00:50:22,860 --> 00:50:32,860
I'm gonna I'm gonna I might know somebody that you can talk to you know saying and they connected with that person because you might I can help them yourself but you might connect to somebody else that they can help.

857
00:50:32,860 --> 00:50:42,860
You know saying so that's all I would say just try to help people just been a listening ear to somebody can make a long way and help people.

858
00:50:42,860 --> 00:50:48,860
And you know, if I had somebody that will if I had somebody that would listen to me.

859
00:50:48,860 --> 00:50:53,860
Somebody I can actually talk to why I feel like actually cared about me.

860
00:50:53,860 --> 00:50:57,860
I would have been a lot further along.

861
00:50:57,860 --> 00:50:59,860
A lot sooner than I am now that makes sense.

862
00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:01,860
Yeah.

863
00:51:01,860 --> 00:51:03,860
Okay.

864
00:51:03,860 --> 00:51:09,860
Is there something that you do to honor your mother in your daily life.

865
00:51:09,860 --> 00:51:16,860
Um, what I try to do now is not I'm conscious of it. I just try to be a good person.

866
00:51:16,860 --> 00:51:25,860
Is it, you know, I try to pull another people as much as I can to my detriment. I help people.

867
00:51:25,860 --> 00:51:33,860
You know, sometimes I put myself in a bind trying to help other people because that's kind of how she was she would always sell people.

868
00:51:33,860 --> 00:51:42,860
That's what I do now if anybody needs my help and kind of hurts me because sometimes I don't understand why people don't help people more.

869
00:51:42,860 --> 00:51:49,860
You know, I just like man, if somebody can come to me for help if it's something I can do within a reason, I probably want to do it.

870
00:51:49,860 --> 00:51:52,860
But no thought of anything in return.

871
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:58,860
If this is this I'm not going to help some woman that needs my help and then because I'm trying to see where they're later.

872
00:51:58,860 --> 00:52:05,860
You know, saying if she needs my help, if she thought I'm going to ever help, then I'll say she just needs my help.

873
00:52:05,860 --> 00:52:10,860
I'm not doing anything for anybody with any thought of anything in return.

874
00:52:10,860 --> 00:52:12,860
Nothing.

875
00:52:12,860 --> 00:52:21,860
I'm doing it completely out of the goodness of my heart because I don't know this. This is the way I think people should be now.

876
00:52:21,860 --> 00:52:28,860
I don't know. The world just isn't set up that way anymore.

877
00:52:28,860 --> 00:52:37,860
That's not rewarded. You don't do it for rewards, but it's almost like you're almost discouraged from helping people nowadays because of.

878
00:52:37,860 --> 00:52:41,860
Yeah, I won't say everybody's a user, but it's a lot of users out there.

879
00:52:41,860 --> 00:52:48,860
A lot of users out there and that's why I don't have issues that it's like, do I help, do I not?

880
00:52:48,860 --> 00:53:00,860
But at the end of the day, man, I just, you know, for my mother, I don't do anything, you know, sometimes when her birthday, when the anniversary of her death comes around, I get a little depressed.

881
00:53:00,860 --> 00:53:08,860
Her birthday is coming up. I'll get a little depressed.

882
00:53:08,860 --> 00:53:15,860
And, you know, holiday time is usually when I get the most depressed or I feel down.

883
00:53:15,860 --> 00:53:24,860
But, you know, the last holiday, I wouldn't help homeless people, you know, you know, we had a cold snap down here.

884
00:53:24,860 --> 00:53:35,860
And I went around my own time, I own money, picked up homeless people, got them little cheap hotel rooms, get them off the street, you know.

885
00:53:35,860 --> 00:53:43,860
I did that because I believe that's something that she would want me to do to help people as best I could.

886
00:53:43,860 --> 00:53:49,860
You know, I didn't have a whole lot I could give, but I can give that, you know.

887
00:53:49,860 --> 00:53:52,860
What do you value most in life?

888
00:53:52,860 --> 00:53:57,860
What I value most.

889
00:53:57,860 --> 00:54:00,860
That's a good question.

890
00:54:00,860 --> 00:54:08,860
I don't think I like to work value. I do think what I hold dear to me most now is just, you know, I'm older now.

891
00:54:08,860 --> 00:54:27,860
I think the time I have left with the people that are left like my brother, his kids, you know, we don't, it ain't many of us left with my brother, his kids, my kids, just, that's what I hold dear to spending time with them.

892
00:54:27,860 --> 00:54:38,860
I just kind of pass on my lessons that I learned, you know, to, to, you know, the ones that come come behind us, you know, I'm saying this.

893
00:54:38,860 --> 00:54:47,860
That's really it. I really don't have, I really don't have much that I think that's a good question.

894
00:54:47,860 --> 00:54:58,860
I just never thought about that. I never thought about that. I can say this, you know, with, you know, me trying to form myself.

895
00:54:58,860 --> 00:55:10,860
I've, I've, I've been to through two police academies have been through in the military. I've been to all this martial arts store had a few, you know, amateur fights.

896
00:55:10,860 --> 00:55:21,860
I've, I've, I've played college football and all I've ever had happened to me was like a spraying ankle and a spraying like a, a, a pull the muscle in my shoulder.

897
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:35,860
So I could say that I just been kind of lucky that that that's that's that's all I heard my my left knee hurt my left knee one time.

898
00:55:35,860 --> 00:55:41,860
And I'm like, man, that might just be a reason why I'm still here. Maybe I'm here to help.

899
00:55:41,860 --> 00:55:52,860
But maybe this is the reason why I help, you know, I'm talking to you. I'm helping people and I can do this, this place.

900
00:55:52,860 --> 00:56:14,860
Yeah, that's really what I, what I value. I just, I just really want people to understand this illness, it's an illness is disease and how, and just how that can have and how, and how they can help themselves and how they can surround people, surround

901
00:56:14,860 --> 00:56:24,860
themselves with people that can help way help each other. Right. So that's really all I can say about that. I had to think about that question again.

902
00:56:24,860 --> 00:56:27,860
In closing, do you have anything else you want to share?

903
00:56:27,860 --> 00:56:45,860
Oh, I would say, like I say, just just coming together as, as, as people, I mean, a little country now, we're divided by, you know, political stuff is going on, you know, who knows what's going to happen when after the

904
00:56:45,860 --> 00:57:01,860
international election, we got it was three or four weeks that for that, what November 4, two weeks, maybe, or November 5 election day, you know, what's going to happen if, you know, Camilla wins, people go crazy in the street or what's going to happen to me, I mean, we don't know.

905
00:57:01,860 --> 00:57:18,860
I would just say that people just need to come together. Black, white, blue, green, just need to take care of each other. I'm not a weird person. You know, look at it looks like this, I guess, but that's really what I think about. I don't, I don't, I would prefer peace.

906
00:57:18,860 --> 00:57:39,860
I prefer things to go smooth. I'm prepared for it not to be peaceful. I'm prepared for things to not go smooth by would rather things be peaceful and go smooth. You know, so that's really a lot of saying in closing I just want people to understand, you know, people that have had trauma,

907
00:57:39,860 --> 00:57:49,860
people that have that go through PTSD, and a lot of things that we do or have done were not purposely to do to hurt anyone.

908
00:57:49,860 --> 00:58:00,860
But, you know, me personally, I can say myself, I've hurt people, because I wasn't able to communicate properly. You know, wasn't able to express my feelings properly.

909
00:58:00,860 --> 00:58:15,860
Wasn't able to deal with, you know, certain things or emotions properly. So I ended up hurting people that I'm going to say maybe a couple were asking, I'm only trying to help me.

910
00:58:15,860 --> 00:58:24,860
And because I didn't know what that looked like, you know, somebody can do something for me. I'm just sitting there looking at my why are they doing that?

911
00:58:24,860 --> 00:58:44,860
And I was like, why are they, you know, being nice to me? I didn't understand that, you know, but, and I'm laughing now, but, you know, it's just weird that, you know, I had so such a low opinion of myself that could it's not just on my show me I will look at them like there was

912
00:58:44,860 --> 00:58:54,860
something wrong with them. Like, why are you being nice to me? You know, like, it's such a, that's such a bad mental place to be in. That's why I was there for so long.

913
00:58:54,860 --> 00:59:07,860
So, it's my idea that they love me. I didn't know what that meant, because I love myself. And if somebody did try to help me or do something, why is she doing that? Why what's going on? What's wrong with you? Why are you trying to help me?

914
00:59:07,860 --> 00:59:22,860
You know, and that is that is, but that's that is on me. That's why I had to look at myself and say, you know, you me, I got to do better. And then, and improve myself.

915
00:59:22,860 --> 00:59:28,860
And then once and now I can pour that into.

916
00:59:28,860 --> 00:59:43,860
So, well, I will say, I want you to know that you are worthy of love to be loved properly by somebody with women when we care about a man, we do things for them. We buy things for them.

917
00:59:43,860 --> 00:59:57,860
If if they if we see they're hurting or if they need anything or we hear them say is something they want and it can be something that don't cost much or or we just hear them talk about something.

918
00:59:57,860 --> 01:00:15,860
Like, we automatically will, will, will, if we're in the store and we see it, we're going to get it because that's our man and he and that's something we heard him say, like that's that's what women.

919
01:00:15,860 --> 01:00:19,860
Good women do I won't say.

920
01:00:19,860 --> 01:00:30,860
So don't ever take what someone is doing for you as as as a negative that's just they're just showing you love.

921
01:00:30,860 --> 01:00:44,860
Yeah, I'm not gonna say I only had, you know, I can say I can remember two instances in my entire life or that's happened. Everybody else has been, you know, people are partially been dealing with in the beginning and can begin with so.

922
01:00:44,860 --> 01:00:49,860
Well, yeah.

923
01:00:49,860 --> 01:01:04,860
Thank you so much for joining our podcast.

924
01:01:04,860 --> 01:01:19,860
In the world of change, where do you belong? The answer is clear. It's time to be strong. Mindful growth. That's where we thrive with Angel's guidance. What's your best self for right?