My name's Philip Pumpkin, and I sell all sorts
of Halloween memorabilia in my shop, Pumpkin's
Pumpkins and Halloween Accessories Shop. Or I
used to, before Halloween was outlawed in the
town. Seven years ago, People started to panic
when a door -to -door security salesman tried
to spook them, making comments about staying
safe on Halloween, since he said it was the night
when the plane between the living and the dead
was at its weakest. Which I thought was pretty
widely known, but I guess it wasn't in the town.
Because for the next town meeting, I was asked
to give a talk on Halloween. And this was a big
deal to me, because I love Halloween, I love
it. I love it so much that I legally changed
my parents' name to Pumpkin. I wasn't old enough
to change my own name, but dance to hell, there's
nothing stopping you from changing your parents'
name. I just forged my own signature, went to
the town hall, and after having to go back because
I realised I'd forged my own signature and I
needed theirs, after a couple of wrong errors
here and there, I changed my parents' name. It
was really easy. A couple of forgeries and hey
-ho, presto, you're done. You're pumpkin. You're
Philip Pumpkin. That was a problem for a while.
I was Philip Pumpkin rather than Pumpkin. So
I had to go back and, yeah, it was a whole thing.
My parents didn't really mind. Turns out they
had checked out for a long time of both looking
after me and looking after each other, you know?
I think they saw this as a fresh start. They
didn't love each other anymore. They spent most
nights fighting or crying or ignoring or just
sad things. I honestly think my dad thought it
was my mum's maiden name. And he thought that
whenever you get divorced, she had originally
taken his name. So he had to now take her maiden
name. And, you know, I really didn't want to.
I probably should have tried to talk to him about
that, but he seemed happier. He said he was still
connected to it some way, even though they both
hated each other. It was, honestly, I think he
just was wrong about it and didn't want to admit
that he didn't know what a maiden name was. Well,
I mean, for me, this town hall meeting was the
perfect opportunity to, you know, rekindle some
Halloween love in the town, some Halloween spirit.
I've been really lacking in the town in recent
years. And honestly, it wasn't just a ploy to
get people into my shop, Pumpkin's Pumpkins and
Halloween's Accessories shop. No, no, this was
about the kids. They deserved Halloween. They
deserved a holiday of fun and revelry, of sugar
and selling eggs at oncoming traffic, of running
from the law. The holiday of first kisses under
the moonlight under your werewolf mask and then
getting worried if that means that forever you'll
be a werewolf kisser. Of being chased by the
school bullies, but tricking them into entering
a haunted house and having them eaten by ghouls.
The holiday of returning to town 20 years later
for your best friend's funeral after he mysteriously
died in a boating accident in the lake with piranhas
and then being set upon by the ghosts of the
bullies you had previously lured to the death.
Because your best friend had moved into the house
where the haunted house had originally been and
the ghosts of the bullies were still there, but
the ghouls were pretty chill now, so... It was
only the bullies that were after you, even though
you weren't the one that killed them. It was
their own actions and then also ghouls. I just
wanted the kids to have fun again. Back in the
day, the whole town loved Halloween. There was
a parade. There was a disco at the school hall.
Buckfast was half off to anyone in a nun costume
because they thought they must have made it themselves.
Apples would be thrown into the lake and their
kids would swim about, grabbing them with their
mouths. Every year there was a betting pool to
see how many ambulances would need it to be called
to the lake for the kids. And of course, there
were rules set in place, you know. The adults,
we couldn't call the ambulances ourselves. That
was against the rules and the law, we quickly
discovered. And sure, If it looked like none
of the ambulances were going to come, or no kids
were in danger, we would, you know, we would
slowly make conditions a little more perilous
for the kids. But we had rules. And if any cheating
was found out, you suffered a forfeit. You know,
one that we'd usually make up on the spot. One
time we made Bill Flitford eat his son's entire
bag of Halloween sweets until he vomited it all
right back over his son. And, you know, I think
this was deserved because the thought for it
was because Bill and his son, they had released
piranhas into the lake. But once the piranha
didn't... wasn't biting anyone, well, Bill's
son just kind of got in the lake and started
biting the kids themselves. I figured that this
town hall meeting... Well, this was the best
chance I had to reinstate, like, some holiday
cheer. So I had spent an entire night setting
up the school hall into this terrifying haunted
house. It was incredible. To be honest, looking
back on it now, a haunted house should be, I
suppose, something that someone chooses. I didn't
really consider what would happen when you put
50 unwitting people into a haunted house. These
people didn't choose to be here, and my haunted
house had maybe two dozen separate jump scares.
So, I mean, for the first 20 minutes, the hall
was just, the school hall was just a cacophony
of terrifying screams and blood -curdled whines
trapped in the town hall. And, you know, eventually
I realised I should... I put a stop to this and
I revealed myself to calm everyone down and then
I was going to continue with the presentation
of what is and isn't Halloween. Unfortunately,
you know, I had sort of forgotten I was dressed
up as a sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre man and
I was promptly knocked out by Liz Butler who
was surprisingly strong at 84 years of age but
she did have access to That brick she keeps in
her handbag. I don't know why she kept a brick
in her handbag. Maybe it was to knock out sexy
Texas Chainsaw Massacre men. I'll never know.
When I came to, the room was empty. Empty and
charred and burning and ash. Well, it wasn't
burning, it was all just ash. Turns out that
no one realised they could just leave through
the door they had come in. And upon realising
that some of the set that I had designed was
made of cardboard, the school PE teacher at the
time, Mr Marsden, he thought he could just burn
through the entire wall. I guess any time he
sees cardboard, he tries to burn it. He's in
prison now for completely unrelated. He shot
a wolf outside of the school, Our Lady of Despair
and Retribution. Outside of the local school,
he shot a wolf. And he said it was okay, because
it was with a crossbow. So the kids would never
have heard it. But I don't think he realized
that, you know, he still could have shot a kid.
It didn't matter if they could have heard it.
But he was like, it's fine. No one could hear
it. What was the problem? Well, he could arrest
it and is in jail now. He stole that cardboard
and destroyed my wonderful creation. And the
entire hall went up in flames. And it was a fucking
night already. And after that... The smoke billowed
and rose into the air, and it came crashing down
hard. The big ghost decided to use the smoke
as cover to enter the town once again. Everyone
blamed me, of course, saying that the fire that
I started, I didn't start the fire, but they
claimed that the fire that I had started was
mocking the big ghost. The big ghost hadn't been
seen in over a decade. And people claimed that
I was mocking it, being like, yo, look at me
and my sexy, sexy fire. Ooh, I can produce such
sexy smoke. Smoke isn't sexy. I would never say
that. And that was a terrible impression of me
that people were doing. Smoke isn't sexy, but
everyone was doing the impression, so everyone
thought that it was a nailed -on impression,
and eventually everyone thought that that's how
I would say things, and it's just not. Smoke
is dangerous. Halloween's fun and all, but you've
got to draw a line at somewhere, and I don't...
Look, I'm not getting into it now, but... Since
then, Halloween's been outlawed for seven years
now, and whenever you have a shop called Pumpkins
Pumpkins and Halloween Accessories Shop, it's
hard. I have to move my store every other day
or else a mob of terrified parents come and destroy
everything. I live out of a tent now. I pack
out my tent every evening and head to an undisclosed
location in the town to try and sell my Halloween
wares during October. People who, for 11 months
of the year, I would consider friends. In October,
they just turn on me. They debase me and attack
me any time they see me. It's as if something
happens. The first of October comes round, and
it just, like a sense memory, just tingles. Like,
they've repressed it all this time, and then
they're like, October, and what do they associate
with October? Trying to find me and destroy everything
I work for. and no one's ever harmed me that's
what's weird if they were trying to like get
me and kill me and stab me and prod me and find
out how my brain ticks I would get it but they
just I think they just want to destroy my wares
because I think they think that the spirits of
all these creatures exist in my masks and all
my wares and it's honestly it's very strange
and I wish I had have just went with my first
instinct at that town hall meeting in the school
hall and just did a presentation on what is and
isn't true about halloween because now everyone
doesn't now everyone thinks all all over the
place and it's very they're all wrong but they've
got these wild ideas in their head do you know
i have to live out of my van in october four
years ago i went home one october and they called
the police on me i don't know who but The police
were caught on me citing domestic terrorism.
They burned down the school hall and yet I'm
the domestic terrorist. They think I'm in league
with the big ghost. They think I'm controlling
him or something. And the fact that they keep
me out of my house in October, they think that's
what stops the big ghost from coming. Like if
I can't access my basement or my phone, as if
I have a direct line to the big ghost. It's insane.
I don't have a direct line to the big ghost.
If I did, I'd tell them to leave, to go somewhere
else. You know? They claimed I was making bums.
My wife and kids now have to spend October each
year with her parents, out of their own safety.
She's asked me to give Halloween up, and I get
where she's coming from, but I'm not doing this
for me. I'm doing it for my kids. For their kids.
They're going to have kids of their own soon.
And those kids deserve a day filled with demons
and ghouls and TB and eggs and the bullies coming
back to haunt you that you thought were killed
20 years ago. They deserve a life of fun. They
deserve ambulance pools and kids to buy other
kids. I love Halloween. And I love my town. It
just doesn't love me. But that's okay. Because
not everything is meant to be loved. Some things
are only meant to be feared. And if they need
me to be the thing that's feared, then maybe
I've been the Halloween spirit all along. Huh.
I'm bigger than the big ghost. Wow. I guess...
I guess I'm needed. I'm putting on my sexy Michael
Myers masks now. People need something to fear.
And I can be that. Well, I am so happy that we
decided to go to the Hobbycraft during the end
times because I'm about to get my fucking money's
worth full of crime. I can't wait. Everything
I've ever wanted, I'm going to find it because
sometimes the crafting industry really takes
the piss with how much they're charging for stuff.
So I'm going to go fucking crazy. I'm going to
get a weave and loom. I'm going to get everything.
I'm going to try it all and then be absorbed
by a big fucking ghost. I can't wait. See, I
really want to get fabric scissors, but my worry
is that I don't have the ID and the ghost might
ID me. Fuck them. They can't do anything. Okay.
At the end times, you get those fabric scissors.
You get it in the colour you want. You get fucking
anything you need. Yeah. Anything else you need.
I hope they don't have the, like, you know, the
cables on them that stop, like, the safety cables.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But then I suppose if you have
enough weaponry and crafting materials, we'll
be able to make something work. I'm just so full
of... fucking excitement right now. I can rip
them off. Like, I can't wait to get into the
fucking craft. I think I'll feel it more whenever
we get in there, but I think it's important for
me that we go through the window and not through
the door in principle of the thing. Oh, I'm going
to smash the window. I'm going to bring, I don't
even know, I'm going to bring a crochet hook
and I'm going to throw it through the window
and it's going to shatter and I'm going to kick
the rest of it. Bring a cheaper one and replace
it with a more expensive one. Five more expensive
ones. More of the plastic bullshit. I thought
she was going to include me. We'll wheel you
there. I feel like you just forgot I was here.
It's almost nap time. What do you want to loot
from the fucking hobby store? Maybe one of the
yarns. Yarns? No, urinals. The what? The urinals.
I'm sure they've got a men's toilet. I'm sure
they have a men's toilet. I might need to take
a couple of my friends. Okay, who are you bringing?
Probably Marty. Now, I don't mean to rush you.
I'm happy to drive. I'm happy to drive, even
though the big ghost is on. But if we go back
for Marty, the craft store is going to be looted
already. Exactly. See, this is the problem we're
going to have. It's probably everything's going
to be gone. Do you know what Marty wants? Because
then we could just leave that for him. Well,
you wanted two urinals. I don't... I really don't...
That's why I needed Marty. I don't think they're
going to have... Yeah, you can share. We can
maybe make a urinal out of papi mache and then
sort of plaster of Paris and then give that and
be like, that might work. We don't need to be
getting things from Hobbycraft for paper mache.
That wouldn't... Marty's piss is septic. That's
why he wants two urns. We can put a gloss on
it. Oh, God. Is Marty getting worse? I thought
he was getting better, actually. Oh, no. I suppose
I didn't see that before. He didn't want to.
Now, kind of something that is on my mind here,
and are we going to be judged by the ghost if
we do have to go to the after end times? Only
God can judge. Yeah, but do you think the big
ghost has been sent by God to judge if we take
hobby materials? Women are allowed to have hobbies.
And if the end times are here, we're allowed
to have even more fucking hobbies. Regardless
of if we can afford a weaving loom or not, we
can start weaving. It's great the progress women
are making. Whenever I was your age, I was not
allowed half a hobby. That's awful. I mean, you
can relive it now. We can go and... I'm sorry,
but it just didn't sound like you meant it there.
Well, you know, I'm trying to get in the mood
to loot this hobby place and you're kind of bringing
the mood down. Sorry if my life's depressing.
It is. It's really fucking depressing. And I've
heard about it for so many years. I live with
a man with septic piss. Ladies, ladies, let's
calm down. I think a lot of this is we're all
in bad spirits because of the ghost. Okay? Because
the ghost is nearby and it's making us feel a
bit strange and a bit not ourselves. And we're
getting wild antics into ourselves. Why not?
Why can't we get wild then? I've lived my whole
life obeying the rules of the hobbycraft, and
why can't now I go and get... It's the end times.
Yeah, well, we can rebel against it being the
end times, but not against each other. We need
to have a sense of community in all of this,
and we will try and get as... Do we, though?
Do I need to worry about getting Marty a fucking
urinal? Well, if we're carpooling, then yeah.
You can't piss when you're dead. No, we don't
know that for a fact. I feel like you don't use
a urinal at least. How are you going to stand
up? I don't know. I remember one year when a
great ghost was. It just liquid started pouring
from the sky at one point. I felt like that could
be ghost piss. The weather is changing. You don't
think it could be? Don't say it. Couldn't be,
couldn't be. I don't want to presume. It's just
a myth. It's just a myth. The horizon is definitely
looking slightly more hazy than it was three
minutes ago when I last looked. Have you cleaned
your glasses? No. It's probably just... Give
me a moment. I guess I'll see the horizon. You?
You can still see it? I can't see that far. Oh.
My vision just drops out after about five feet.
Really? Yeah. Yeah, you know this, Bill. It's
always been the case. No, no, no, no. You didn't
mention that. That's rude to ask. Yeah, I guess
it doesn't come up that much, really. Once you're
that far away, I'm not talking to you anyway.
Really, five feet? So, obviously, like, sort
of as your six -foot husband. Yeah, so if I'm
lying on the ground... You can't see my head.
No, I can't see your head. Can't see your head.
Yeah, so that's why sometimes when I'm really
angry, I'll just lie down. Okay. And then I'll
imagine that you're, like, headless. Right. Yeah.
Okay, that does make more sense now, actually.
Yeah. And obviously, that child that we put up
for adoption who was over five foot tall, that
was for that reason. I just wonder why we kept
Jim and... Well, short Jim as they call him,
but... I mean... My brother. Tim. Six foot Tim.
Yeah. Yeah. It was the tallness, but he was also
just a bit of a bastard. Yeah, I think that's
fair, actually. He bullied me a little bit, but
he's just a little bit bigger than me. I think
that's normal. Can we have one family picnic
where he doesn't come up? Sorry. You okay? Thank
you. But just, I don't want to repeat myself,
but I have cleaned my glasses and it does look
like... The horizon is hazy. Yeah, but it's just...
I guess you can see the horizon. It's still there.
It's not like the myth. If it was like the myth,
we wouldn't be able to see it all. And I suppose
it's not really possible for you to get within
five feet of the horizon and take a look? Can
you just think about what you've just asked?
No, I mean, I was... How do you get five feet?
In front of a thing. That's like asking me to
get five feet in front of the end of a fucking
rainbow. What's wrong with that? It keeps moving
the more you go closer to it. Bollocks. Title
bollocks. I'm going to lie down on the ground
for a sec. You just stand up there. I've seen
bigger. What? Is this as big as it gets? Because
we've seen bigger. You're serious? I've seen
probably 12 ghosts. I can't see anything. You
say you've seen more than this. This is my entire
vision, Scott. I've seen bigger. You're having
a laugh. You're lying. I'm laughing, Scott. Don't
use my words against me, Terrence. You know what
I mean. I'm just saying. You've seen bigger.
So you thought you'd come into town. You told
me to ring you. I know I did tell you to ring
me because I knew you wouldn't think about me.
Huh. And now I bring you here. And you're making
fun of it. You're saying you see better? Oh,
yeah. I've got to say, you know I've seen bigger.
Seems like this ghost has an effect on people's
voices. Oh, well, maybe. Quite possibly. Can't
you hear yourself? I don't... Look. Maybe the
smaller ghosts have... I don't know. Maybe, um,
like lesser seen ways of affecting people. And
it's more of a... I don't know. It's having an
effect on your voice, isn't it? You don't know
what goes in and out of me at this time. Little
small ghosts. What does... Going into my lungs.
Going into my voice box. You don't know. You
don't know, Terrence. Calm down, Scott. Alright.
Calm down. I rang you here to keep me safe. You
said you know ghosts. But all you're doing is
making fun of me. I'm not making... What happened
with that? I think it's having another... You're
making fun of me. Guys? Guys, are you out there?
We are. Don't come, Darren. We're over here.
Don't come. Terrence is just going to make fun
of you. I just went to the car to get some more
snacks, and I really thought I was going to be
able to find my way back, because I counted my
steps, but you sound very far away. No. Oh, Darren.
Is this us for the night? I mean, whenever I
find you guys again, is this us? Should I go
back and get more snacks? I'd like a quaver,
Darren. Oh, my God, my voice. Terrence! Is that
you? Oh my god, my voice. Terrence, is that you?
It's inside of you. Get it out. This, I've seen
bigger ghosts, but I've never had a smaller ghost
inside me. Guys, I don't know if that's you anymore,
if it's someone making fun of me. No, Darren,
it's me. Darren, it's Terrence. I came here with
Terrence and Scott, and honestly, at this point,
I'm so scared, but I will walk to anyone, because
I don't want to be alone. Walk to a voice. Where?
Howdy. No. It's changed again. I can't get a
hold of this ghost. Oh, no. Darn, stop. That
voice sounds like it's coming from near the car.
Darn dude! A church. We've got to go to a church.
That's fine. We'll go to a church. Churches are
quite spooky as well, though. Churches are quite
spooky as well. But Jesus is there. Jesus is
there. It's okay. You think Jesus being there
is going to save us from whatever else might
be there? Jesus hates ghosts. Jesus hates ghosts.
This is the big ghost. It's the biggest ghost
I've ever seen. I mean, I'm not even religious,
but I think that if we go to a church, we should
be fine. I thought Jesus was part ghost. He is
part ghost. No, he is part ghost. He is part
ghost. He's the ghost destroyer. You have to
become what you fear. Do you think that's why
Jesus became a spirit? Yes. To fight other ghosts?
Yes. That is literally why. That is literally
what I got told. Guys, I don't know if Jesus
has domain over ghosts anymore because he can
stop a demon, but a ghost, they're not moved
on to heaven or hell, so I don't know if he has
domain over them anymore. It's omnipotent, isn't
it? Jesus and God and everything is omnipotent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always assumed they were
smooshed into one being, like one thing. Yes,
they are. Well, yes, they are. But some people
don't believe that. But that's, yeah, it's a
tough one. It's a tough one. It's not what you
believe. We're going to say yes for that. We're
going to say yes for that. But what about Jesus'
ability to, or we're just going to say Jesus
for now. We know that maybe it's a smooshed.
thing, maybe it's a trifecta of something, but
for now we say Jesus. Does Jesus have domain
over the big ghost? That's what I don't know.
I don't know. It's a big ghost. It's a ghost,
and he... It's a massive ghost. It's God. It's
massive. It's got an entire... I feel like we're
in it. I feel like we're in the ghost. Do you
think we're in the ghost? Like, look at the mist.
I've never been in this mist. It seeps in through
the letterbox, and I know the church doesn't
have a letterbox, but there's so many gaps in
those tempered... glass windows and there's so
many doors. They're trying to do the restoration.
I've told you that. They're getting money to
replace the stained glass windows that got smashed.
There's open windows? It's not completely open.
It's just wee cracks. The power of Christ doesn't
compel a ghost. What might? But I don't know
that we risk it. Salt. I've heard this. I've
heard it in that show about the two sexy brothers.
Supernatural. That's the one. So sexy. They use
salt all the time against ghosts. But was that
their sex appeal or the salt that was keeping
it out? I assume it was the salt. Why else would
they use it? We're not using my mum's salt. That's
Maldrin salt and it's sea salt and it's really
expensive. Okay, yes, Maldrin is very expensive.
Yes, I'm not using that. I only have that in
the house. I use the last of the salt in my pasta.
Well, you've got to season the pasta water, though.
It's important. Okay, what if I still have three
tubs of spaghetti that we could... Still, it
was very salty spaghetti. We could spigot the
windows. Well, like, use spaghetti to plug them
up, the gaps in the church windows? Or just hang
it down like a beaded curtain over the gap. Yeah,
like a beaded curtain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like
one of those boho houses. But it has to be unbroken.
It has to be unbroken like the salt. Did you
learn that from Supernatural 2? I did. I was
like, God, they're so sexy and they make sexy,
sexy, unbroken lines. Because it's cooked, we
can just smush it together. We can just get the
different ones and then smush it like that and
then make a big circle. We're getting ahead of
ourselves, guys, because we can do this here,
we can do this here, we can safeguard this house,
or are we going to the church? I feel like the
church is the best option. Because even if Jesus
doesn't work, he might be able to work. We just
don't know if it's true or not. He's not in this
house. We know he's not in this house. Never.
The things we've done in this house, he wouldn't
be in here. No demand here. Jesus would not cross
the boundary line of this house. So we're all
in agreement. The things we've done, Jesus would
have turned our back on us. 100%. But in his
own house. In his own house. If we went to his
house. He can't say no in his own house. No.
So as long as we don't do those depraved, depraved
things there. If he's hosting, he has to at least
be there. And we can have a little tipple of
his wine. Oh, I'm getting off track. Sorry. No,
but that's a good idea. We're all getting excited.
It's a scary, exciting time. Of course it is.
It's frightening. We know the big ghost is out.
But... Are we taking the pasta? Are we going
to use the pasta? We're going to take the pasta.
Oh, of course we're going to take the pasta.
We'll grip up. You all take a fistful of pasta,
spin it above your head to ward it off. I'll
get the leaf blower and I can blow any ghost
that gets in our way. Yes, because that's the
big thing. We have to get from the house to the
car. We have to get... Like, that's... Well...
We have to enter the big ghost. Can ghosts get
into cars? Not if we have the windows up. What
about the air conditioning, though? It might
get sucked in through the air conditioning and
then come into the car. That's true, that's true.
Can't be driving around in a car full of ghosts.
No. And it's shockingly hot for it being foggy.
And I don't want to sit in a hot car. What am
I, a dog? No. For a four minute drive to the
church? I mean, I'm feeling hot right now. We
should go to the church. Okay, but are we going
to risk it? I don't think we have a choice. I
think we have to. I think we have to risk it.
If I get possessed by the big ghost, someone...
I want the strength to end it all for me, so
if I... End it for you? Don't worry, dude. We'll
kill you. Oh, okay, good. How do you want to
go? How do you want to go? Just don't suffocate
me. No, okay. Well, that's going to be hard.
Like a hard no? Like a hard no on suffocation?
It's a hard no because... Should we bring a hammer,
maybe? No, just do your head in with a hammer.
Ah, that's good. Yeah, do it. A hammer or a knife?
Which one do you... Or we can... No, the hammer.
The rot you, maybe? I'm scared of knives. I don't
want you to knife me because then in my final
moments when you take the knife out, the big
ghost could get into me. Ghost will get in. Yeah,
so you've got to keep your mouth shut as well
and your eyes closed. But you think like a cavernous
welt to your head? To the head that doesn't break
the skull. Oh. Well, I suppose it would. So what
you want us to do is like smash your skull like
it's a light bulb in a pillowcase. Yeah. Yeah,
but with no breaks. No breaks, yeah. That's going
to be really hard. So the biggest mallet you
have. Let's, let's, we'll shelf that. We'll shelf
that for now. Yeah, this is only. Worst case.
Worst case. What about you? For death. You know,
we need to think about this. We need to think
about this. That's fair. We're putting all things
on the table here. What if you get possessed?
How do you want us to do you? Whip my pockets
and chuck me in the lake. Whip your pockets and
chuck you. Okay, so we're bringing bricks. Pocket
full of rocks, yeah. Pocket full of rocks. Although
that would mean that we would have to get through
the night with your possessed person because
I'm not leaving the church again to go dump you
in the lake. The church is on top of the hill.
It's all right. Stick me in a wheelbarrow and
just push me down. Well, yeah. We can do this.
I might land in the lake. I might not. But either
way, the ghost will have me. So. Yeah, it's too
late at that point. Oh, Jesus. All of this is
so scary. It's so scary to think about. How do
you want to go? I reckon I could just will myself
to death. Spontaneous heart attack you're hoping
for? I think just hold my breath. So you're willing
for the suffocation? I don't think I need help.
Self -suffocation. I don't think I need help
is what I'm saying. I mean, you're very self
-sufficient as it is. I feel, yep, I could just,
I could do it. I mean, I could show you. Oh,
gosh. We don't need it. Can you not die in this
house? We don't need another ghost. It was just
a practice. I'm not going to actually do it here.
I'm not stupid. That's a really good point. Are
we going to come back as normal size ghosts?
Small ghosts. If we do, could we fight the big
ghost? Oh. 100 small ghosts versus... Are ghost
type weak against other ghost type? That's very
confusing. If we all kill ourselves... And become
ghosts. Maybe we can save this town, guys. Shit.
Wow, do we do the town a service? Right, I'm
going to take one for the team. And I'm going
to... End your life. Yeah. End this life. This
life, and then be a hero in the next. I'm going
to stand at the top of the road, and you drive
at me as fast as you can. You'll already be possessed
by the big ghost by then. You would have to hold
your breath. That's true, if you go out there.
Right, if you give me the leaf blower, and I'll
cover myself in the spaghetti, and I'll stand
at the top of the road, I'll go downhill, so
you just batter me with your Nissan. Dude, your
ghost is going to look so dope covered in spaghetti
and stuff. Terrifying. Make sure you hit the
leaf blower as well so the leaf blower becomes
a ghost as well. Yeah, for sure. Do you want
to take with you then? Do you want to get changed?
Oh my gosh, I haven't thought I'm going to get
changed. You might as well accessorize if you're
going into the afterlife. I wish I got a haircut
before. Hey, we could do it. Maybe do stuff like
tattoo kit. So maybe I will tattoo myself. With,
like, anti -ghost symbols. We can Google them.
Surely there's some of them. What would that
stop you from becoming a ghost? Oh, shit. Yeah,
but it's just her body. It's just her mortal
body. I won't tattoo my soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna, maybe, I'll tattoo myself. Hey, new
idea for, like, a business down the line. Soul
tats. Yeah, exactly. Do you think if you just
brought some scissors with you when you died,
you could cut your own ghost hair? Oh, that's
a good point. But then would every woman just
grow back? Yeah. It's a new style every day.
Like your woman in Interview with a Vampire.
Oh, the wee one. Yeah, the wee one. I wouldn't
mind dying in the church so then if Jesus can't
ward off the ghost, I could be there as its defender.
Oh, defender of the church. But then what's annoying
there, I suppose, is people wouldn't know that
I'm the defender and they would be like, thank
you, Jesus, whereas I've done all the work. Yeah,
legit, you've done everything. Do you think you
can change your name? Do you think there's time
to go down to the office now? City Hall isn't
open today. Maybe, like, you could just, like,
you know you did it. I know. Because I'm often
externally motivated. I know after a while I'll
start becoming a poltergeist or something. Wait,
if one of us stays alive, then maybe we can spread
the myth. Or we can maybe, like, put runes all
over. Well, I know we're renting, and it's going
to be a nightmare getting the deposit back. But
we could maybe, like, write on the walls, like,
we are ghosts, like that kind of thing. We are
ghosts. We are ghosts. We defend this town. You
know, like that kind of thing. But they might
paint over it. They might paint over it. My one
big concern is that we all get, like, attached
to the property or the thing that killed us,
too, and we're not able to roam, and then we're...
I don't want to get attached to a Nissan. Okay,
check it out. We go to the church. Go to the
church. Covered in spaghetti? For sure. For sure.
Haircuts if needed. Okay, thank you. Change of
outfit. Go to the church. Want to look our best
for our death. We take a stool, right? Regular
old stool. It's got four legs at the bottom.
Yeah? A regular stool. Just a regular old stool.
We sharpen that stool right up, and we set it
upside down on the ground. And at the same time,
three, two, one, we fucking headbutt a leg of
that stool each. All of us die exact same time.
That way... That way we're stuck together in
the afterlife. Hey, hey, check this out, check
this out. Father, Son, Holy Ghost, only three.
What if we, four of us, become more powerful
than Jesus? Oh my gosh. But if we're going by
the rules of transubstantiation and the transference
of objects into the afterlife, would the chair
come? Would we all be stuck to a chair together?
Only if we kill the chair. Only if we kill the
chair. Is the chair still a chair once its feet
are now stakes? Yeah, do we need to break it
all off? Is the chair still a chair if it's upside
down? Do we maybe bring like a pizza cutter or
something and then quarter it and then smash
our heads into it so that at least in the...
Yeah, because I know I will probably, I would,
I will definitely do it. There's no chance of
it happening. No, I am killing myself this time.
But my worry is that I would go on like 2 .5
accidentally and then so I'd be like a little
bit ahead of you and my movement of hitting the
chair would... throughout your rhythm so you're
not going to hit it. So one of you is going to
get through the neck and that's going to be brutal.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Possible survival
there. No bueno. No bueno. And that's only three
and then we're all fucked. And then maybe you
can't talk and then how would you tell a ghost
to go fuck himself? Yeah. Like, go away, big
ghost. This is our time now. You've got a bit
of oak through your larynx. Yeah. Look, we're
all allergic to peanuts. Why don't we just have
a wee chicken satay? I always wanted to try that.
Right? That's a nice way to go. That sounds pretty
cool. Like, we go, we get the chicken satay,
we bring it to the church, a little bit of the
sacrament. Yeah. And eat that stuff. I wish I
had made rice instead of pasta. Oh, man. Rice
would have rocked. Rice would have been great.
Yeah. But hey, it's utility pasta. We could still
make rice this time. Yeah. But look, spaghetti
is just, it's just noodles by another name. Yeah,
that's true. That's true. And they have the same
ingredients, aren't they? Pretty much. Yeah,
just cooked differently. My one worry is that
once we douse ourselves in spaghetti, we get
there, and then we stop the big ghost from getting
in. We smush all the spaghetti in, but then we
kill ourselves. And we're ghosts, and now...
The spaghetti has become our downfall, and we
can't leave. Oh, we're trapped in the church.
I guess someone would eventually... Worst place
to be. That's true. Someone would eventually
move the spaghetti. Yeah, they'd get rid of it.
That's true. Well, we could have them... I think
maybe if they make a monument to us when we're
found dead there, I have to never spaghetti or
something. We've got to write notes. Never have
chicken satay with spaghetti. Never spaghetti.
It's a good rule. It's a strong rule. Oh, the
fog's cleared. Oh. Oh. Where'd it go? Did we
scare it off? I'm still wanting to try the chicken
satay. We've worked a lot on this. And I think
I'm ready for death. Oh, yeah. I'm all in. I
don't want to go through this again. Yeah, so
I'm going to go and get some tattoos, maybe.
We've got time now, though. So we can prep. Yeah,
we'll be ready for the next time the big ghost
comes. So you need to change your name to Jesus.
I need to get a haircut and some sick tats. And,
yeah, I'm very glad, you know, we can maybe order
some chicken salad. Yeah, I've got an EpiPen,
it's fine, I'll live. For now. Back to Dunbracken
is produced and edited by me, Conleth McVeigh.
This part featured Patrick Meier. The opening
and closing credits were created by Connor Mallon
and you can check out his entire album Unearthed
on Spotify now. Thank you for listening. We look
forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very
soon.