WEBVTT 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.359 My name's Philip Pumpkin, and I sell all sorts 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:12.400 of Halloween memorabilia in my shop, Pumpkin's 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:18.100 Pumpkins and Halloween Accessories Shop. Or I 00:00:18.100 --> 00:00:22.239 used to, before Halloween was outlawed in the 00:00:22.239 --> 00:00:35.960 town. Seven years ago, People started to panic 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:38.399 when a door -to -door security salesman tried 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:41.280 to spook them, making comments about staying 00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:44.159 safe on Halloween, since he said it was the night 00:00:44.159 --> 00:00:46.460 when the plane between the living and the dead 00:00:46.460 --> 00:00:50.340 was at its weakest. Which I thought was pretty 00:00:50.340 --> 00:00:54.020 widely known, but I guess it wasn't in the town. 00:00:54.700 --> 00:00:57.539 Because for the next town meeting, I was asked 00:00:57.539 --> 00:01:00.799 to give a talk on Halloween. And this was a big 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:02.679 deal to me, because I love Halloween, I love 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:05.189 it. I love it so much that I legally changed 00:01:05.189 --> 00:01:08.549 my parents' name to Pumpkin. I wasn't old enough 00:01:08.549 --> 00:01:10.950 to change my own name, but dance to hell, there's 00:01:10.950 --> 00:01:12.849 nothing stopping you from changing your parents' 00:01:13.010 --> 00:01:16.450 name. I just forged my own signature, went to 00:01:16.450 --> 00:01:20.170 the town hall, and after having to go back because 00:01:20.170 --> 00:01:22.269 I realised I'd forged my own signature and I 00:01:22.269 --> 00:01:25.189 needed theirs, after a couple of wrong errors 00:01:25.189 --> 00:01:27.909 here and there, I changed my parents' name. It 00:01:27.909 --> 00:01:30.859 was really easy. A couple of forgeries and hey 00:01:30.859 --> 00:01:33.900 -ho, presto, you're done. You're pumpkin. You're 00:01:33.900 --> 00:01:37.319 Philip Pumpkin. That was a problem for a while. 00:01:37.379 --> 00:01:40.439 I was Philip Pumpkin rather than Pumpkin. So 00:01:40.439 --> 00:01:42.599 I had to go back and, yeah, it was a whole thing. 00:01:43.340 --> 00:01:46.540 My parents didn't really mind. Turns out they 00:01:46.540 --> 00:01:49.420 had checked out for a long time of both looking 00:01:49.420 --> 00:01:52.099 after me and looking after each other, you know? 00:01:52.340 --> 00:01:56.159 I think they saw this as a fresh start. They 00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:58.829 didn't love each other anymore. They spent most 00:01:58.829 --> 00:02:01.569 nights fighting or crying or ignoring or just 00:02:01.569 --> 00:02:05.170 sad things. I honestly think my dad thought it 00:02:05.170 --> 00:02:09.210 was my mum's maiden name. And he thought that 00:02:09.210 --> 00:02:11.789 whenever you get divorced, she had originally 00:02:11.789 --> 00:02:15.550 taken his name. So he had to now take her maiden 00:02:15.550 --> 00:02:18.370 name. And, you know, I really didn't want to. 00:02:18.430 --> 00:02:21.550 I probably should have tried to talk to him about 00:02:21.550 --> 00:02:25.039 that, but he seemed happier. He said he was still 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:27.000 connected to it some way, even though they both 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.340 hated each other. It was, honestly, I think he 00:02:29.340 --> 00:02:31.819 just was wrong about it and didn't want to admit 00:02:31.819 --> 00:02:35.840 that he didn't know what a maiden name was. Well, 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.580 I mean, for me, this town hall meeting was the 00:02:38.580 --> 00:02:41.039 perfect opportunity to, you know, rekindle some 00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:43.340 Halloween love in the town, some Halloween spirit. 00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:45.759 I've been really lacking in the town in recent 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:48.659 years. And honestly, it wasn't just a ploy to 00:02:48.659 --> 00:02:51.020 get people into my shop, Pumpkin's Pumpkins and 00:02:51.020 --> 00:02:54.949 Halloween's Accessories shop. No, no, this was 00:02:54.949 --> 00:02:58.650 about the kids. They deserved Halloween. They 00:02:58.650 --> 00:03:02.110 deserved a holiday of fun and revelry, of sugar 00:03:02.110 --> 00:03:04.710 and selling eggs at oncoming traffic, of running 00:03:04.710 --> 00:03:07.669 from the law. The holiday of first kisses under 00:03:07.669 --> 00:03:09.550 the moonlight under your werewolf mask and then 00:03:09.550 --> 00:03:11.729 getting worried if that means that forever you'll 00:03:11.729 --> 00:03:15.090 be a werewolf kisser. Of being chased by the 00:03:15.090 --> 00:03:17.349 school bullies, but tricking them into entering 00:03:17.349 --> 00:03:19.889 a haunted house and having them eaten by ghouls. 00:03:20.969 --> 00:03:23.590 The holiday of returning to town 20 years later 00:03:23.590 --> 00:03:26.110 for your best friend's funeral after he mysteriously 00:03:26.110 --> 00:03:28.990 died in a boating accident in the lake with piranhas 00:03:28.990 --> 00:03:31.590 and then being set upon by the ghosts of the 00:03:31.590 --> 00:03:33.610 bullies you had previously lured to the death. 00:03:34.629 --> 00:03:36.789 Because your best friend had moved into the house 00:03:36.789 --> 00:03:39.389 where the haunted house had originally been and 00:03:39.389 --> 00:03:42.110 the ghosts of the bullies were still there, but 00:03:42.110 --> 00:03:56.819 the ghouls were pretty chill now, so... It was 00:03:56.819 --> 00:03:58.780 only the bullies that were after you, even though 00:03:58.780 --> 00:04:00.180 you weren't the one that killed them. It was 00:04:00.180 --> 00:04:04.139 their own actions and then also ghouls. I just 00:04:04.139 --> 00:04:07.099 wanted the kids to have fun again. Back in the 00:04:07.099 --> 00:04:13.960 day, the whole town loved Halloween. There was 00:04:13.960 --> 00:04:16.470 a parade. There was a disco at the school hall. 00:04:16.930 --> 00:04:19.050 Buckfast was half off to anyone in a nun costume 00:04:19.050 --> 00:04:20.750 because they thought they must have made it themselves. 00:04:21.769 --> 00:04:23.410 Apples would be thrown into the lake and their 00:04:23.410 --> 00:04:25.149 kids would swim about, grabbing them with their 00:04:25.149 --> 00:04:28.069 mouths. Every year there was a betting pool to 00:04:28.069 --> 00:04:30.089 see how many ambulances would need it to be called 00:04:30.089 --> 00:04:33.050 to the lake for the kids. And of course, there 00:04:33.050 --> 00:04:35.569 were rules set in place, you know. The adults, 00:04:35.689 --> 00:04:38.050 we couldn't call the ambulances ourselves. That 00:04:38.050 --> 00:04:41.209 was against the rules and the law, we quickly 00:04:41.209 --> 00:04:43.939 discovered. And sure, If it looked like none 00:04:43.939 --> 00:04:46.220 of the ambulances were going to come, or no kids 00:04:46.220 --> 00:04:48.420 were in danger, we would, you know, we would 00:04:48.420 --> 00:04:51.120 slowly make conditions a little more perilous 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.560 for the kids. But we had rules. And if any cheating 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:57.579 was found out, you suffered a forfeit. You know, 00:04:57.639 --> 00:05:00.660 one that we'd usually make up on the spot. One 00:05:00.660 --> 00:05:03.220 time we made Bill Flitford eat his son's entire 00:05:03.220 --> 00:05:06.379 bag of Halloween sweets until he vomited it all 00:05:06.379 --> 00:05:11.379 right back over his son. And, you know, I think 00:05:11.379 --> 00:05:13.100 this was deserved because the thought for it 00:05:13.100 --> 00:05:15.339 was because Bill and his son, they had released 00:05:15.339 --> 00:05:18.319 piranhas into the lake. But once the piranha 00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:21.899 didn't... wasn't biting anyone, well, Bill's 00:05:21.899 --> 00:05:24.019 son just kind of got in the lake and started 00:05:24.019 --> 00:05:29.339 biting the kids themselves. I figured that this 00:05:29.339 --> 00:05:31.399 town hall meeting... Well, this was the best 00:05:31.399 --> 00:05:33.720 chance I had to reinstate, like, some holiday 00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:36.319 cheer. So I had spent an entire night setting 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:39.100 up the school hall into this terrifying haunted 00:05:39.100 --> 00:05:46.779 house. It was incredible. To be honest, looking 00:05:46.779 --> 00:05:50.879 back on it now, a haunted house should be, I 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.759 suppose, something that someone chooses. I didn't 00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:56.319 really consider what would happen when you put 00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:00.120 50 unwitting people into a haunted house. These 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:02.399 people didn't choose to be here, and my haunted 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.819 house had maybe two dozen separate jump scares. 00:06:06.220 --> 00:06:09.480 So, I mean, for the first 20 minutes, the hall 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.879 was just, the school hall was just a cacophony 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:17.279 of terrifying screams and blood -curdled whines 00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:21.240 trapped in the town hall. And, you know, eventually 00:06:21.240 --> 00:06:23.980 I realised I should... I put a stop to this and 00:06:23.980 --> 00:06:26.339 I revealed myself to calm everyone down and then 00:06:26.339 --> 00:06:27.879 I was going to continue with the presentation 00:06:27.879 --> 00:06:35.540 of what is and isn't Halloween. Unfortunately, 00:06:35.779 --> 00:06:38.819 you know, I had sort of forgotten I was dressed 00:06:38.819 --> 00:06:43.480 up as a sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre man and 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:47.480 I was promptly knocked out by Liz Butler who 00:06:47.480 --> 00:06:50.699 was surprisingly strong at 84 years of age but 00:06:50.699 --> 00:06:53.519 she did have access to That brick she keeps in 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:56.939 her handbag. I don't know why she kept a brick 00:06:56.939 --> 00:07:00.180 in her handbag. Maybe it was to knock out sexy 00:07:00.180 --> 00:07:03.519 Texas Chainsaw Massacre men. I'll never know. 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:09.339 When I came to, the room was empty. Empty and 00:07:09.339 --> 00:07:12.019 charred and burning and ash. Well, it wasn't 00:07:12.019 --> 00:07:15.060 burning, it was all just ash. Turns out that 00:07:15.060 --> 00:07:17.279 no one realised they could just leave through 00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:19.930 the door they had come in. And upon realising 00:07:19.930 --> 00:07:22.170 that some of the set that I had designed was 00:07:22.170 --> 00:07:24.970 made of cardboard, the school PE teacher at the 00:07:24.970 --> 00:07:27.769 time, Mr Marsden, he thought he could just burn 00:07:27.769 --> 00:07:30.470 through the entire wall. I guess any time he 00:07:30.470 --> 00:07:33.670 sees cardboard, he tries to burn it. He's in 00:07:33.670 --> 00:07:36.370 prison now for completely unrelated. He shot 00:07:36.370 --> 00:07:39.550 a wolf outside of the school, Our Lady of Despair 00:07:39.550 --> 00:07:42.189 and Retribution. Outside of the local school, 00:07:42.329 --> 00:07:45.610 he shot a wolf. And he said it was okay, because 00:07:45.610 --> 00:07:49.209 it was with a crossbow. So the kids would never 00:07:49.209 --> 00:07:51.550 have heard it. But I don't think he realized 00:07:51.550 --> 00:07:53.949 that, you know, he still could have shot a kid. 00:07:54.149 --> 00:07:55.990 It didn't matter if they could have heard it. 00:07:56.029 --> 00:07:58.569 But he was like, it's fine. No one could hear 00:07:58.569 --> 00:08:02.209 it. What was the problem? Well, he could arrest 00:08:02.209 --> 00:08:07.910 it and is in jail now. He stole that cardboard 00:08:07.910 --> 00:08:11.110 and destroyed my wonderful creation. And the 00:08:11.110 --> 00:08:14.290 entire hall went up in flames. And it was a fucking 00:08:14.290 --> 00:08:18.240 night already. And after that... The smoke billowed 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:21.740 and rose into the air, and it came crashing down 00:08:21.740 --> 00:08:27.439 hard. The big ghost decided to use the smoke 00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:33.379 as cover to enter the town once again. Everyone 00:08:33.379 --> 00:08:36.740 blamed me, of course, saying that the fire that 00:08:36.740 --> 00:08:39.580 I started, I didn't start the fire, but they 00:08:39.580 --> 00:08:41.919 claimed that the fire that I had started was 00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:44.299 mocking the big ghost. The big ghost hadn't been 00:08:44.299 --> 00:08:47.159 seen in over a decade. And people claimed that 00:08:47.159 --> 00:08:51.019 I was mocking it, being like, yo, look at me 00:08:51.019 --> 00:08:55.240 and my sexy, sexy fire. Ooh, I can produce such 00:08:55.240 --> 00:08:59.779 sexy smoke. Smoke isn't sexy. I would never say 00:08:59.779 --> 00:09:01.779 that. And that was a terrible impression of me 00:09:01.779 --> 00:09:15.610 that people were doing. Smoke isn't sexy, but 00:09:15.610 --> 00:09:18.049 everyone was doing the impression, so everyone 00:09:18.049 --> 00:09:20.730 thought that it was a nailed -on impression, 00:09:20.809 --> 00:09:22.669 and eventually everyone thought that that's how 00:09:22.669 --> 00:09:30.529 I would say things, and it's just not. Smoke 00:09:30.529 --> 00:09:33.690 is dangerous. Halloween's fun and all, but you've 00:09:33.690 --> 00:09:36.049 got to draw a line at somewhere, and I don't... 00:09:36.049 --> 00:09:39.610 Look, I'm not getting into it now, but... Since 00:09:39.610 --> 00:09:42.450 then, Halloween's been outlawed for seven years 00:09:42.450 --> 00:09:45.350 now, and whenever you have a shop called Pumpkins 00:09:45.350 --> 00:09:49.509 Pumpkins and Halloween Accessories Shop, it's 00:09:49.509 --> 00:09:53.129 hard. I have to move my store every other day 00:09:53.129 --> 00:09:55.629 or else a mob of terrified parents come and destroy 00:09:55.629 --> 00:10:00.269 everything. I live out of a tent now. I pack 00:10:00.269 --> 00:10:03.269 out my tent every evening and head to an undisclosed 00:10:03.269 --> 00:10:06.370 location in the town to try and sell my Halloween 00:10:06.370 --> 00:10:11.029 wares during October. People who, for 11 months 00:10:11.029 --> 00:10:14.429 of the year, I would consider friends. In October, 00:10:14.429 --> 00:10:18.570 they just turn on me. They debase me and attack 00:10:18.570 --> 00:10:21.450 me any time they see me. It's as if something 00:10:21.450 --> 00:10:24.730 happens. The first of October comes round, and 00:10:24.730 --> 00:10:27.230 it just, like a sense memory, just tingles. Like, 00:10:27.269 --> 00:10:29.289 they've repressed it all this time, and then 00:10:29.289 --> 00:10:31.330 they're like, October, and what do they associate 00:10:31.330 --> 00:10:35.389 with October? Trying to find me and destroy everything 00:10:35.389 --> 00:10:39.710 I work for. and no one's ever harmed me that's 00:10:39.710 --> 00:10:41.629 what's weird if they were trying to like get 00:10:41.629 --> 00:10:45.269 me and kill me and stab me and prod me and find 00:10:45.269 --> 00:10:48.429 out how my brain ticks I would get it but they 00:10:48.429 --> 00:10:51.110 just I think they just want to destroy my wares 00:10:51.110 --> 00:10:53.490 because I think they think that the spirits of 00:10:53.490 --> 00:10:57.029 all these creatures exist in my masks and all 00:10:57.029 --> 00:10:59.649 my wares and it's honestly it's very strange 00:10:59.649 --> 00:11:02.090 and I wish I had have just went with my first 00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:04.659 instinct at that town hall meeting in the school 00:11:04.659 --> 00:11:07.740 hall and just did a presentation on what is and 00:11:07.740 --> 00:11:10.799 isn't true about halloween because now everyone 00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:13.960 doesn't now everyone thinks all all over the 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:16.519 place and it's very they're all wrong but they've 00:11:16.519 --> 00:11:20.480 got these wild ideas in their head do you know 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:24.039 i have to live out of my van in october four 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:27.840 years ago i went home one october and they called 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:31.220 the police on me i don't know who but The police 00:11:31.220 --> 00:11:33.279 were caught on me citing domestic terrorism. 00:11:34.019 --> 00:11:36.840 They burned down the school hall and yet I'm 00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:39.899 the domestic terrorist. They think I'm in league 00:11:39.899 --> 00:11:42.980 with the big ghost. They think I'm controlling 00:11:42.980 --> 00:11:45.899 him or something. And the fact that they keep 00:11:45.899 --> 00:11:48.320 me out of my house in October, they think that's 00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:50.480 what stops the big ghost from coming. Like if 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:53.480 I can't access my basement or my phone, as if 00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:56.629 I have a direct line to the big ghost. It's insane. 00:11:56.669 --> 00:11:58.350 I don't have a direct line to the big ghost. 00:11:58.370 --> 00:12:00.570 If I did, I'd tell them to leave, to go somewhere 00:12:00.570 --> 00:12:05.370 else. You know? They claimed I was making bums. 00:12:06.110 --> 00:12:08.590 My wife and kids now have to spend October each 00:12:08.590 --> 00:12:11.389 year with her parents, out of their own safety. 00:12:12.490 --> 00:12:15.289 She's asked me to give Halloween up, and I get 00:12:15.289 --> 00:12:17.950 where she's coming from, but I'm not doing this 00:12:17.950 --> 00:12:23.190 for me. I'm doing it for my kids. For their kids. 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:25.700 They're going to have kids of their own soon. 00:12:25.960 --> 00:12:28.940 And those kids deserve a day filled with demons 00:12:28.940 --> 00:12:33.320 and ghouls and TB and eggs and the bullies coming 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:35.200 back to haunt you that you thought were killed 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:40.039 20 years ago. They deserve a life of fun. They 00:12:40.039 --> 00:12:42.700 deserve ambulance pools and kids to buy other 00:12:42.700 --> 00:12:51.879 kids. I love Halloween. And I love my town. It 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:56.529 just doesn't love me. But that's okay. Because 00:12:56.529 --> 00:12:59.750 not everything is meant to be loved. Some things 00:12:59.750 --> 00:13:03.710 are only meant to be feared. And if they need 00:13:03.710 --> 00:13:08.610 me to be the thing that's feared, then maybe 00:13:08.610 --> 00:13:13.330 I've been the Halloween spirit all along. Huh. 00:13:14.549 --> 00:13:19.750 I'm bigger than the big ghost. Wow. I guess... 00:13:19.750 --> 00:13:28.360 I guess I'm needed. I'm putting on my sexy Michael 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:33.039 Myers masks now. People need something to fear. 00:13:34.379 --> 00:13:52.919 And I can be that. Well, I am so happy that we 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:56.419 decided to go to the Hobbycraft during the end 00:13:56.419 --> 00:13:59.539 times because I'm about to get my fucking money's 00:13:59.539 --> 00:14:03.259 worth full of crime. I can't wait. Everything 00:14:03.259 --> 00:14:05.659 I've ever wanted, I'm going to find it because 00:14:05.659 --> 00:14:08.740 sometimes the crafting industry really takes 00:14:08.740 --> 00:14:11.059 the piss with how much they're charging for stuff. 00:14:11.179 --> 00:14:13.320 So I'm going to go fucking crazy. I'm going to 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:15.659 get a weave and loom. I'm going to get everything. 00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:18.220 I'm going to try it all and then be absorbed 00:14:18.220 --> 00:14:21.110 by a big fucking ghost. I can't wait. See, I 00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:23.289 really want to get fabric scissors, but my worry 00:14:23.289 --> 00:14:25.610 is that I don't have the ID and the ghost might 00:14:25.610 --> 00:14:28.909 ID me. Fuck them. They can't do anything. Okay. 00:14:29.029 --> 00:14:30.889 At the end times, you get those fabric scissors. 00:14:30.929 --> 00:14:33.590 You get it in the colour you want. You get fucking 00:14:33.590 --> 00:14:36.669 anything you need. Yeah. Anything else you need. 00:14:36.950 --> 00:14:39.250 I hope they don't have the, like, you know, the 00:14:39.250 --> 00:14:41.429 cables on them that stop, like, the safety cables. 00:14:41.649 --> 00:14:43.789 Oh, yeah. Yeah. But then I suppose if you have 00:14:43.789 --> 00:14:46.730 enough weaponry and crafting materials, we'll 00:14:46.730 --> 00:14:48.289 be able to make something work. I'm just so full 00:14:48.289 --> 00:14:50.450 of... fucking excitement right now. I can rip 00:14:50.450 --> 00:14:52.830 them off. Like, I can't wait to get into the 00:14:52.830 --> 00:14:54.669 fucking craft. I think I'll feel it more whenever 00:14:54.669 --> 00:14:56.309 we get in there, but I think it's important for 00:14:56.309 --> 00:14:57.789 me that we go through the window and not through 00:14:57.789 --> 00:14:59.990 the door in principle of the thing. Oh, I'm going 00:14:59.990 --> 00:15:02.309 to smash the window. I'm going to bring, I don't 00:15:02.309 --> 00:15:03.710 even know, I'm going to bring a crochet hook 00:15:03.710 --> 00:15:05.269 and I'm going to throw it through the window 00:15:05.269 --> 00:15:06.509 and it's going to shatter and I'm going to kick 00:15:06.509 --> 00:15:08.230 the rest of it. Bring a cheaper one and replace 00:15:08.230 --> 00:15:10.789 it with a more expensive one. Five more expensive 00:15:10.789 --> 00:15:13.450 ones. More of the plastic bullshit. I thought 00:15:13.450 --> 00:15:17.399 she was going to include me. We'll wheel you 00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:21.000 there. I feel like you just forgot I was here. 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:25.639 It's almost nap time. What do you want to loot 00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:30.500 from the fucking hobby store? Maybe one of the 00:15:30.500 --> 00:15:35.799 yarns. Yarns? No, urinals. The what? The urinals. 00:15:38.340 --> 00:15:41.259 I'm sure they've got a men's toilet. I'm sure 00:15:41.259 --> 00:15:43.799 they have a men's toilet. I might need to take 00:15:43.799 --> 00:15:46.460 a couple of my friends. Okay, who are you bringing? 00:15:47.100 --> 00:15:50.759 Probably Marty. Now, I don't mean to rush you. 00:15:50.840 --> 00:15:52.879 I'm happy to drive. I'm happy to drive, even 00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:54.980 though the big ghost is on. But if we go back 00:15:54.980 --> 00:15:57.480 for Marty, the craft store is going to be looted 00:15:57.480 --> 00:15:59.960 already. Exactly. See, this is the problem we're 00:15:59.960 --> 00:16:01.960 going to have. It's probably everything's going 00:16:01.960 --> 00:16:03.840 to be gone. Do you know what Marty wants? Because 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:05.360 then we could just leave that for him. Well, 00:16:05.419 --> 00:16:09.120 you wanted two urinals. I don't... I really don't... 00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:10.820 That's why I needed Marty. I don't think they're 00:16:10.820 --> 00:16:12.620 going to have... Yeah, you can share. We can 00:16:12.620 --> 00:16:16.799 maybe make a urinal out of papi mache and then 00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:19.200 sort of plaster of Paris and then give that and 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:20.659 be like, that might work. We don't need to be 00:16:20.659 --> 00:16:22.799 getting things from Hobbycraft for paper mache. 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:26.440 That wouldn't... Marty's piss is septic. That's 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:29.139 why he wants two urns. We can put a gloss on 00:16:29.139 --> 00:16:32.519 it. Oh, God. Is Marty getting worse? I thought 00:16:32.519 --> 00:16:35.500 he was getting better, actually. Oh, no. I suppose 00:16:35.500 --> 00:16:38.330 I didn't see that before. He didn't want to. 00:16:38.950 --> 00:16:41.370 Now, kind of something that is on my mind here, 00:16:41.490 --> 00:16:44.409 and are we going to be judged by the ghost if 00:16:44.409 --> 00:16:47.970 we do have to go to the after end times? Only 00:16:47.970 --> 00:16:51.129 God can judge. Yeah, but do you think the big 00:16:51.129 --> 00:16:54.370 ghost has been sent by God to judge if we take 00:16:54.370 --> 00:16:56.370 hobby materials? Women are allowed to have hobbies. 00:16:56.919 --> 00:16:58.940 And if the end times are here, we're allowed 00:16:58.940 --> 00:17:01.559 to have even more fucking hobbies. Regardless 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:04.200 of if we can afford a weaving loom or not, we 00:17:04.200 --> 00:17:06.740 can start weaving. It's great the progress women 00:17:06.740 --> 00:17:09.680 are making. Whenever I was your age, I was not 00:17:09.680 --> 00:17:13.660 allowed half a hobby. That's awful. I mean, you 00:17:13.660 --> 00:17:16.500 can relive it now. We can go and... I'm sorry, 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:19.000 but it just didn't sound like you meant it there. 00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:21.000 Well, you know, I'm trying to get in the mood 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:24.079 to loot this hobby place and you're kind of bringing 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.119 the mood down. Sorry if my life's depressing. 00:17:27.500 --> 00:17:29.240 It is. It's really fucking depressing. And I've 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:31.160 heard about it for so many years. I live with 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:34.779 a man with septic piss. Ladies, ladies, let's 00:17:34.779 --> 00:17:38.079 calm down. I think a lot of this is we're all 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:40.819 in bad spirits because of the ghost. Okay? Because 00:17:40.819 --> 00:17:43.500 the ghost is nearby and it's making us feel a 00:17:43.500 --> 00:17:46.660 bit strange and a bit not ourselves. And we're 00:17:46.660 --> 00:17:50.440 getting wild antics into ourselves. Why not? 00:17:50.859 --> 00:17:52.819 Why can't we get wild then? I've lived my whole 00:17:52.819 --> 00:17:55.640 life obeying the rules of the hobbycraft, and 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:58.500 why can't now I go and get... It's the end times. 00:17:58.819 --> 00:18:00.579 Yeah, well, we can rebel against it being the 00:18:00.579 --> 00:18:02.519 end times, but not against each other. We need 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:05.000 to have a sense of community in all of this, 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:06.640 and we will try and get as... Do we, though? 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:09.319 Do I need to worry about getting Marty a fucking 00:18:09.319 --> 00:18:10.920 urinal? Well, if we're carpooling, then yeah. 00:18:11.099 --> 00:18:14.339 You can't piss when you're dead. No, we don't 00:18:14.339 --> 00:18:16.859 know that for a fact. I feel like you don't use 00:18:16.859 --> 00:18:19.240 a urinal at least. How are you going to stand 00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:22.119 up? I don't know. I remember one year when a 00:18:22.119 --> 00:18:24.859 great ghost was. It just liquid started pouring 00:18:24.859 --> 00:18:26.839 from the sky at one point. I felt like that could 00:18:26.839 --> 00:18:47.539 be ghost piss. The weather is changing. You don't 00:18:47.539 --> 00:18:51.029 think it could be? Don't say it. Couldn't be, 00:18:51.109 --> 00:18:55.069 couldn't be. I don't want to presume. It's just 00:18:55.069 --> 00:19:00.130 a myth. It's just a myth. The horizon is definitely 00:19:00.130 --> 00:19:03.650 looking slightly more hazy than it was three 00:19:03.650 --> 00:19:07.970 minutes ago when I last looked. Have you cleaned 00:19:07.970 --> 00:19:12.250 your glasses? No. It's probably just... Give 00:19:12.250 --> 00:19:17.690 me a moment. I guess I'll see the horizon. You? 00:19:17.750 --> 00:19:20.970 You can still see it? I can't see that far. Oh. 00:19:21.349 --> 00:19:23.569 My vision just drops out after about five feet. 00:19:24.130 --> 00:19:28.789 Really? Yeah. Yeah, you know this, Bill. It's 00:19:28.789 --> 00:19:32.029 always been the case. No, no, no, no. You didn't 00:19:32.029 --> 00:19:35.930 mention that. That's rude to ask. Yeah, I guess 00:19:35.930 --> 00:19:37.490 it doesn't come up that much, really. Once you're 00:19:37.490 --> 00:19:39.569 that far away, I'm not talking to you anyway. 00:19:40.430 --> 00:19:44.890 Really, five feet? So, obviously, like, sort 00:19:44.890 --> 00:19:48.359 of as your six -foot husband. Yeah, so if I'm 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:50.859 lying on the ground... You can't see my head. 00:19:51.059 --> 00:19:52.920 No, I can't see your head. Can't see your head. 00:19:53.660 --> 00:19:55.480 Yeah, so that's why sometimes when I'm really 00:19:55.480 --> 00:19:58.759 angry, I'll just lie down. Okay. And then I'll 00:19:58.759 --> 00:20:01.319 imagine that you're, like, headless. Right. Yeah. 00:20:01.380 --> 00:20:03.839 Okay, that does make more sense now, actually. 00:20:04.099 --> 00:20:06.920 Yeah. And obviously, that child that we put up 00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:10.579 for adoption who was over five foot tall, that 00:20:10.579 --> 00:20:12.420 was for that reason. I just wonder why we kept 00:20:12.420 --> 00:20:14.680 Jim and... Well, short Jim as they call him, 00:20:14.740 --> 00:20:19.309 but... I mean... My brother. Tim. Six foot Tim. 00:20:19.490 --> 00:20:22.730 Yeah. Yeah. It was the tallness, but he was also 00:20:22.730 --> 00:20:25.710 just a bit of a bastard. Yeah, I think that's 00:20:25.710 --> 00:20:27.210 fair, actually. He bullied me a little bit, but 00:20:27.210 --> 00:20:29.950 he's just a little bit bigger than me. I think 00:20:29.950 --> 00:20:33.049 that's normal. Can we have one family picnic 00:20:33.049 --> 00:20:38.250 where he doesn't come up? Sorry. You okay? Thank 00:20:38.250 --> 00:20:41.349 you. But just, I don't want to repeat myself, 00:20:41.509 --> 00:20:45.609 but I have cleaned my glasses and it does look 00:20:45.609 --> 00:20:50.119 like... The horizon is hazy. Yeah, but it's just... 00:20:50.119 --> 00:20:53.759 I guess you can see the horizon. It's still there. 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:57.339 It's not like the myth. If it was like the myth, 00:20:57.539 --> 00:21:01.400 we wouldn't be able to see it all. And I suppose 00:21:01.400 --> 00:21:03.940 it's not really possible for you to get within 00:21:03.940 --> 00:21:07.740 five feet of the horizon and take a look? Can 00:21:07.740 --> 00:21:10.619 you just think about what you've just asked? 00:21:11.019 --> 00:21:14.519 No, I mean, I was... How do you get five feet? 00:21:14.940 --> 00:21:17.059 In front of a thing. That's like asking me to 00:21:17.059 --> 00:21:18.440 get five feet in front of the end of a fucking 00:21:18.440 --> 00:21:22.319 rainbow. What's wrong with that? It keeps moving 00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:26.460 the more you go closer to it. Bollocks. Title 00:21:26.460 --> 00:21:28.400 bollocks. I'm going to lie down on the ground 00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:38.720 for a sec. You just stand up there. I've seen 00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:43.299 bigger. What? Is this as big as it gets? Because 00:21:43.299 --> 00:21:46.309 we've seen bigger. You're serious? I've seen 00:21:46.309 --> 00:21:50.190 probably 12 ghosts. I can't see anything. You 00:21:50.190 --> 00:21:52.609 say you've seen more than this. This is my entire 00:21:52.609 --> 00:21:55.730 vision, Scott. I've seen bigger. You're having 00:21:55.730 --> 00:22:01.670 a laugh. You're lying. I'm laughing, Scott. Don't 00:22:01.670 --> 00:22:04.569 use my words against me, Terrence. You know what 00:22:04.569 --> 00:22:07.109 I mean. I'm just saying. You've seen bigger. 00:22:07.309 --> 00:22:09.569 So you thought you'd come into town. You told 00:22:09.569 --> 00:22:13.500 me to ring you. I know I did tell you to ring 00:22:13.500 --> 00:22:15.779 me because I knew you wouldn't think about me. 00:22:16.019 --> 00:22:19.539 Huh. And now I bring you here. And you're making 00:22:19.539 --> 00:22:21.579 fun of it. You're saying you see better? Oh, 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:23.380 yeah. I've got to say, you know I've seen bigger. 00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:27.180 Seems like this ghost has an effect on people's 00:22:27.180 --> 00:22:30.920 voices. Oh, well, maybe. Quite possibly. Can't 00:22:30.920 --> 00:22:33.640 you hear yourself? I don't... Look. Maybe the 00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:36.299 smaller ghosts have... I don't know. Maybe, um, 00:22:36.299 --> 00:22:39.460 like lesser seen ways of affecting people. And 00:22:39.460 --> 00:22:42.130 it's more of a... I don't know. It's having an 00:22:42.130 --> 00:22:43.289 effect on your voice, isn't it? You don't know 00:22:43.289 --> 00:22:45.529 what goes in and out of me at this time. Little 00:22:45.529 --> 00:22:48.910 small ghosts. What does... Going into my lungs. 00:22:48.970 --> 00:22:52.950 Going into my voice box. You don't know. You 00:22:52.950 --> 00:22:55.470 don't know, Terrence. Calm down, Scott. Alright. 00:22:55.529 --> 00:22:58.910 Calm down. I rang you here to keep me safe. You 00:22:58.910 --> 00:23:00.869 said you know ghosts. But all you're doing is 00:23:00.869 --> 00:23:03.309 making fun of me. I'm not making... What happened 00:23:03.309 --> 00:23:04.690 with that? I think it's having another... You're 00:23:04.690 --> 00:23:08.529 making fun of me. Guys? Guys, are you out there? 00:23:09.250 --> 00:23:13.430 We are. Don't come, Darren. We're over here. 00:23:13.970 --> 00:23:16.690 Don't come. Terrence is just going to make fun 00:23:16.690 --> 00:23:19.549 of you. I just went to the car to get some more 00:23:19.549 --> 00:23:22.150 snacks, and I really thought I was going to be 00:23:22.150 --> 00:23:24.849 able to find my way back, because I counted my 00:23:24.849 --> 00:23:29.789 steps, but you sound very far away. No. Oh, Darren. 00:23:30.150 --> 00:23:32.349 Is this us for the night? I mean, whenever I 00:23:32.349 --> 00:23:35.329 find you guys again, is this us? Should I go 00:23:35.329 --> 00:23:37.410 back and get more snacks? I'd like a quaver, 00:23:37.450 --> 00:23:40.809 Darren. Oh, my God, my voice. Terrence! Is that 00:23:40.809 --> 00:23:42.809 you? Oh my god, my voice. Terrence, is that you? 00:23:42.970 --> 00:23:46.410 It's inside of you. Get it out. This, I've seen 00:23:46.410 --> 00:23:48.170 bigger ghosts, but I've never had a smaller ghost 00:23:48.170 --> 00:23:50.049 inside me. Guys, I don't know if that's you anymore, 00:23:50.190 --> 00:23:52.390 if it's someone making fun of me. No, Darren, 00:23:52.430 --> 00:23:56.009 it's me. Darren, it's Terrence. I came here with 00:23:56.009 --> 00:23:59.170 Terrence and Scott, and honestly, at this point, 00:23:59.210 --> 00:24:03.309 I'm so scared, but I will walk to anyone, because 00:24:03.309 --> 00:24:07.289 I don't want to be alone. Walk to a voice. Where? 00:24:08.509 --> 00:24:14.140 Howdy. No. It's changed again. I can't get a 00:24:14.140 --> 00:24:27.759 hold of this ghost. Oh, no. Darn, stop. That 00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:34.960 voice sounds like it's coming from near the car. 00:24:40.680 --> 00:25:11.940 Darn dude! A church. We've got to go to a church. 00:25:12.259 --> 00:25:16.220 That's fine. We'll go to a church. Churches are 00:25:16.220 --> 00:25:18.079 quite spooky as well, though. Churches are quite 00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:20.819 spooky as well. But Jesus is there. Jesus is 00:25:20.819 --> 00:25:23.660 there. It's okay. You think Jesus being there 00:25:23.660 --> 00:25:26.160 is going to save us from whatever else might 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:28.240 be there? Jesus hates ghosts. Jesus hates ghosts. 00:25:28.440 --> 00:25:31.420 This is the big ghost. It's the biggest ghost 00:25:31.420 --> 00:25:33.819 I've ever seen. I mean, I'm not even religious, 00:25:33.859 --> 00:25:36.680 but I think that if we go to a church, we should 00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:39.970 be fine. I thought Jesus was part ghost. He is 00:25:39.970 --> 00:25:41.930 part ghost. No, he is part ghost. He is part 00:25:41.930 --> 00:25:43.809 ghost. He's the ghost destroyer. You have to 00:25:43.809 --> 00:25:46.869 become what you fear. Do you think that's why 00:25:46.869 --> 00:25:49.789 Jesus became a spirit? Yes. To fight other ghosts? 00:25:49.970 --> 00:25:52.190 Yes. That is literally why. That is literally 00:25:52.190 --> 00:25:54.690 what I got told. Guys, I don't know if Jesus 00:25:54.690 --> 00:25:57.589 has domain over ghosts anymore because he can 00:25:57.589 --> 00:26:00.109 stop a demon, but a ghost, they're not moved 00:26:00.109 --> 00:26:01.730 on to heaven or hell, so I don't know if he has 00:26:01.730 --> 00:26:04.569 domain over them anymore. It's omnipotent, isn't 00:26:04.569 --> 00:26:07.170 it? Jesus and God and everything is omnipotent. 00:26:07.170 --> 00:26:08.710 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always assumed they were 00:26:08.710 --> 00:26:10.849 smooshed into one being, like one thing. Yes, 00:26:10.849 --> 00:26:12.910 they are. Well, yes, they are. But some people 00:26:12.910 --> 00:26:15.250 don't believe that. But that's, yeah, it's a 00:26:15.250 --> 00:26:16.970 tough one. It's a tough one. It's not what you 00:26:16.970 --> 00:26:18.390 believe. We're going to say yes for that. We're 00:26:18.390 --> 00:26:20.130 going to say yes for that. But what about Jesus' 00:26:20.329 --> 00:26:22.349 ability to, or we're just going to say Jesus 00:26:22.349 --> 00:26:24.190 for now. We know that maybe it's a smooshed. 00:26:24.380 --> 00:26:26.500 thing, maybe it's a trifecta of something, but 00:26:26.500 --> 00:26:28.759 for now we say Jesus. Does Jesus have domain 00:26:28.759 --> 00:26:30.539 over the big ghost? That's what I don't know. 00:26:30.619 --> 00:26:32.480 I don't know. It's a big ghost. It's a ghost, 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:35.220 and he... It's a massive ghost. It's God. It's 00:26:35.220 --> 00:26:37.460 massive. It's got an entire... I feel like we're 00:26:37.460 --> 00:26:39.380 in it. I feel like we're in the ghost. Do you 00:26:39.380 --> 00:26:41.380 think we're in the ghost? Like, look at the mist. 00:26:41.559 --> 00:26:44.539 I've never been in this mist. It seeps in through 00:26:44.539 --> 00:26:47.460 the letterbox, and I know the church doesn't 00:26:47.460 --> 00:26:49.519 have a letterbox, but there's so many gaps in 00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:51.730 those tempered... glass windows and there's so 00:26:51.730 --> 00:26:53.990 many doors. They're trying to do the restoration. 00:26:54.130 --> 00:26:56.430 I've told you that. They're getting money to 00:26:56.430 --> 00:26:58.569 replace the stained glass windows that got smashed. 00:26:59.349 --> 00:27:02.230 There's open windows? It's not completely open. 00:27:02.269 --> 00:27:05.509 It's just wee cracks. The power of Christ doesn't 00:27:05.509 --> 00:27:07.369 compel a ghost. What might? But I don't know 00:27:07.369 --> 00:27:10.710 that we risk it. Salt. I've heard this. I've 00:27:10.710 --> 00:27:13.730 heard it in that show about the two sexy brothers. 00:27:13.950 --> 00:27:16.720 Supernatural. That's the one. So sexy. They use 00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:19.240 salt all the time against ghosts. But was that 00:27:19.240 --> 00:27:21.279 their sex appeal or the salt that was keeping 00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:23.900 it out? I assume it was the salt. Why else would 00:27:23.900 --> 00:27:26.799 they use it? We're not using my mum's salt. That's 00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:28.779 Maldrin salt and it's sea salt and it's really 00:27:28.779 --> 00:27:31.559 expensive. Okay, yes, Maldrin is very expensive. 00:27:31.859 --> 00:27:34.259 Yes, I'm not using that. I only have that in 00:27:34.259 --> 00:27:36.460 the house. I use the last of the salt in my pasta. 00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:39.460 Well, you've got to season the pasta water, though. 00:27:39.480 --> 00:27:42.579 It's important. Okay, what if I still have three 00:27:42.579 --> 00:27:45.329 tubs of spaghetti that we could... Still, it 00:27:45.329 --> 00:27:48.349 was very salty spaghetti. We could spigot the 00:27:48.349 --> 00:27:53.089 windows. Well, like, use spaghetti to plug them 00:27:53.089 --> 00:27:55.009 up, the gaps in the church windows? Or just hang 00:27:55.009 --> 00:27:57.109 it down like a beaded curtain over the gap. Yeah, 00:27:57.109 --> 00:27:58.710 like a beaded curtain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like 00:27:58.710 --> 00:28:01.029 one of those boho houses. But it has to be unbroken. 00:28:01.150 --> 00:28:03.559 It has to be unbroken like the salt. Did you 00:28:03.559 --> 00:28:05.539 learn that from Supernatural 2? I did. I was 00:28:05.539 --> 00:28:07.500 like, God, they're so sexy and they make sexy, 00:28:07.539 --> 00:28:10.500 sexy, unbroken lines. Because it's cooked, we 00:28:10.500 --> 00:28:13.539 can just smush it together. We can just get the 00:28:13.539 --> 00:28:15.720 different ones and then smush it like that and 00:28:15.720 --> 00:28:18.720 then make a big circle. We're getting ahead of 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:20.059 ourselves, guys, because we can do this here, 00:28:20.140 --> 00:28:21.759 we can do this here, we can safeguard this house, 00:28:21.859 --> 00:28:24.500 or are we going to the church? I feel like the 00:28:24.500 --> 00:28:26.619 church is the best option. Because even if Jesus 00:28:26.619 --> 00:28:29.079 doesn't work, he might be able to work. We just 00:28:29.079 --> 00:28:31.759 don't know if it's true or not. He's not in this 00:28:31.759 --> 00:28:33.420 house. We know he's not in this house. Never. 00:28:33.660 --> 00:28:35.539 The things we've done in this house, he wouldn't 00:28:35.539 --> 00:28:38.799 be in here. No demand here. Jesus would not cross 00:28:38.799 --> 00:28:41.960 the boundary line of this house. So we're all 00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:44.220 in agreement. The things we've done, Jesus would 00:28:44.220 --> 00:28:46.720 have turned our back on us. 100%. But in his 00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:49.160 own house. In his own house. If we went to his 00:28:49.160 --> 00:28:51.500 house. He can't say no in his own house. No. 00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:54.480 So as long as we don't do those depraved, depraved 00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:58.420 things there. If he's hosting, he has to at least 00:28:58.420 --> 00:29:00.599 be there. And we can have a little tipple of 00:29:00.599 --> 00:29:02.759 his wine. Oh, I'm getting off track. Sorry. No, 00:29:02.759 --> 00:29:04.619 but that's a good idea. We're all getting excited. 00:29:05.039 --> 00:29:07.500 It's a scary, exciting time. Of course it is. 00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:09.359 It's frightening. We know the big ghost is out. 00:29:09.660 --> 00:29:11.619 But... Are we taking the pasta? Are we going 00:29:11.619 --> 00:29:13.880 to use the pasta? We're going to take the pasta. 00:29:14.140 --> 00:29:15.740 Oh, of course we're going to take the pasta. 00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:18.500 We'll grip up. You all take a fistful of pasta, 00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:20.779 spin it above your head to ward it off. I'll 00:29:20.779 --> 00:29:22.559 get the leaf blower and I can blow any ghost 00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:24.640 that gets in our way. Yes, because that's the 00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:26.339 big thing. We have to get from the house to the 00:29:26.339 --> 00:29:28.319 car. We have to get... Like, that's... Well... 00:29:28.319 --> 00:29:29.779 We have to enter the big ghost. Can ghosts get 00:29:29.779 --> 00:29:32.339 into cars? Not if we have the windows up. What 00:29:32.339 --> 00:29:34.359 about the air conditioning, though? It might 00:29:34.359 --> 00:29:36.660 get sucked in through the air conditioning and 00:29:36.660 --> 00:29:39.039 then come into the car. That's true, that's true. 00:29:39.059 --> 00:29:40.680 Can't be driving around in a car full of ghosts. 00:29:40.819 --> 00:29:43.900 No. And it's shockingly hot for it being foggy. 00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:47.019 And I don't want to sit in a hot car. What am 00:29:47.019 --> 00:29:49.359 I, a dog? No. For a four minute drive to the 00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:52.279 church? I mean, I'm feeling hot right now. We 00:29:52.279 --> 00:29:54.440 should go to the church. Okay, but are we going 00:29:54.440 --> 00:29:56.839 to risk it? I don't think we have a choice. I 00:29:56.839 --> 00:29:58.140 think we have to. I think we have to risk it. 00:29:58.220 --> 00:30:00.779 If I get possessed by the big ghost, someone... 00:30:01.210 --> 00:30:03.930 I want the strength to end it all for me, so 00:30:03.930 --> 00:30:07.089 if I... End it for you? Don't worry, dude. We'll 00:30:07.089 --> 00:30:10.109 kill you. Oh, okay, good. How do you want to 00:30:10.109 --> 00:30:12.750 go? How do you want to go? Just don't suffocate 00:30:12.750 --> 00:30:15.849 me. No, okay. Well, that's going to be hard. 00:30:15.849 --> 00:30:18.329 Like a hard no? Like a hard no on suffocation? 00:30:18.390 --> 00:30:20.029 It's a hard no because... Should we bring a hammer, 00:30:20.170 --> 00:30:22.049 maybe? No, just do your head in with a hammer. 00:30:22.130 --> 00:30:24.250 Ah, that's good. Yeah, do it. A hammer or a knife? 00:30:24.430 --> 00:30:26.289 Which one do you... Or we can... No, the hammer. 00:30:26.289 --> 00:30:29.470 The rot you, maybe? I'm scared of knives. I don't 00:30:29.470 --> 00:30:31.390 want you to knife me because then in my final 00:30:31.390 --> 00:30:33.369 moments when you take the knife out, the big 00:30:33.369 --> 00:30:35.589 ghost could get into me. Ghost will get in. Yeah, 00:30:35.769 --> 00:30:37.390 so you've got to keep your mouth shut as well 00:30:37.390 --> 00:30:39.390 and your eyes closed. But you think like a cavernous 00:30:39.390 --> 00:30:42.309 welt to your head? To the head that doesn't break 00:30:42.309 --> 00:30:46.130 the skull. Oh. Well, I suppose it would. So what 00:30:46.130 --> 00:30:48.150 you want us to do is like smash your skull like 00:30:48.150 --> 00:30:51.230 it's a light bulb in a pillowcase. Yeah. Yeah, 00:30:51.269 --> 00:30:54.059 but with no breaks. No breaks, yeah. That's going 00:30:54.059 --> 00:30:56.480 to be really hard. So the biggest mallet you 00:30:56.480 --> 00:30:58.900 have. Let's, let's, we'll shelf that. We'll shelf 00:30:58.900 --> 00:31:01.160 that for now. Yeah, this is only. Worst case. 00:31:01.220 --> 00:31:03.819 Worst case. What about you? For death. You know, 00:31:03.819 --> 00:31:05.299 we need to think about this. We need to think 00:31:05.299 --> 00:31:07.380 about this. That's fair. We're putting all things 00:31:07.380 --> 00:31:09.220 on the table here. What if you get possessed? 00:31:09.480 --> 00:31:12.500 How do you want us to do you? Whip my pockets 00:31:12.500 --> 00:31:14.140 and chuck me in the lake. Whip your pockets and 00:31:14.140 --> 00:31:16.400 chuck you. Okay, so we're bringing bricks. Pocket 00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:18.380 full of rocks, yeah. Pocket full of rocks. Although 00:31:18.380 --> 00:31:20.359 that would mean that we would have to get through 00:31:20.359 --> 00:31:23.180 the night with your possessed person because 00:31:23.180 --> 00:31:25.259 I'm not leaving the church again to go dump you 00:31:25.259 --> 00:31:28.460 in the lake. The church is on top of the hill. 00:31:28.500 --> 00:31:29.740 It's all right. Stick me in a wheelbarrow and 00:31:29.740 --> 00:31:32.460 just push me down. Well, yeah. We can do this. 00:31:32.839 --> 00:31:34.700 I might land in the lake. I might not. But either 00:31:34.700 --> 00:31:37.220 way, the ghost will have me. So. Yeah, it's too 00:31:37.220 --> 00:31:39.740 late at that point. Oh, Jesus. All of this is 00:31:39.740 --> 00:31:41.859 so scary. It's so scary to think about. How do 00:31:41.859 --> 00:31:44.740 you want to go? I reckon I could just will myself 00:31:44.740 --> 00:31:47.140 to death. Spontaneous heart attack you're hoping 00:31:47.140 --> 00:31:50.619 for? I think just hold my breath. So you're willing 00:31:50.619 --> 00:31:52.740 for the suffocation? I don't think I need help. 00:31:52.740 --> 00:31:55.220 Self -suffocation. I don't think I need help 00:31:55.220 --> 00:31:57.000 is what I'm saying. I mean, you're very self 00:31:57.000 --> 00:31:59.099 -sufficient as it is. I feel, yep, I could just, 00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:01.599 I could do it. I mean, I could show you. Oh, 00:32:01.599 --> 00:32:06.089 gosh. We don't need it. Can you not die in this 00:32:06.089 --> 00:32:07.869 house? We don't need another ghost. It was just 00:32:07.869 --> 00:32:09.289 a practice. I'm not going to actually do it here. 00:32:09.349 --> 00:32:11.609 I'm not stupid. That's a really good point. Are 00:32:11.609 --> 00:32:13.730 we going to come back as normal size ghosts? 00:32:13.869 --> 00:32:16.630 Small ghosts. If we do, could we fight the big 00:32:16.630 --> 00:32:20.390 ghost? Oh. 100 small ghosts versus... Are ghost 00:32:20.390 --> 00:32:23.029 type weak against other ghost type? That's very 00:32:23.029 --> 00:32:30.579 confusing. If we all kill ourselves... And become 00:32:30.579 --> 00:32:35.859 ghosts. Maybe we can save this town, guys. Shit. 00:32:37.900 --> 00:32:41.740 Wow, do we do the town a service? Right, I'm 00:32:41.740 --> 00:32:45.779 going to take one for the team. And I'm going 00:32:45.779 --> 00:32:48.519 to... End your life. Yeah. End this life. This 00:32:48.519 --> 00:32:52.000 life, and then be a hero in the next. I'm going 00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:54.299 to stand at the top of the road, and you drive 00:32:54.299 --> 00:32:58.950 at me as fast as you can. You'll already be possessed 00:32:58.950 --> 00:33:01.329 by the big ghost by then. You would have to hold 00:33:01.329 --> 00:33:03.089 your breath. That's true, if you go out there. 00:33:03.410 --> 00:33:06.670 Right, if you give me the leaf blower, and I'll 00:33:06.670 --> 00:33:09.470 cover myself in the spaghetti, and I'll stand 00:33:09.470 --> 00:33:12.630 at the top of the road, I'll go downhill, so 00:33:12.630 --> 00:33:15.759 you just batter me with your Nissan. Dude, your 00:33:15.759 --> 00:33:18.500 ghost is going to look so dope covered in spaghetti 00:33:18.500 --> 00:33:21.039 and stuff. Terrifying. Make sure you hit the 00:33:21.039 --> 00:33:22.839 leaf blower as well so the leaf blower becomes 00:33:22.839 --> 00:33:25.240 a ghost as well. Yeah, for sure. Do you want 00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:26.720 to take with you then? Do you want to get changed? 00:33:27.019 --> 00:33:29.119 Oh my gosh, I haven't thought I'm going to get 00:33:29.119 --> 00:33:31.299 changed. You might as well accessorize if you're 00:33:31.299 --> 00:33:32.700 going into the afterlife. I wish I got a haircut 00:33:32.700 --> 00:33:36.519 before. Hey, we could do it. Maybe do stuff like 00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:40.460 tattoo kit. So maybe I will tattoo myself. With, 00:33:40.460 --> 00:33:42.680 like, anti -ghost symbols. We can Google them. 00:33:42.839 --> 00:33:43.859 Surely there's some of them. What would that 00:33:43.859 --> 00:33:47.500 stop you from becoming a ghost? Oh, shit. Yeah, 00:33:47.619 --> 00:33:49.079 but it's just her body. It's just her mortal 00:33:49.079 --> 00:33:52.440 body. I won't tattoo my soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:33:53.440 --> 00:33:56.680 I'm gonna, maybe, I'll tattoo myself. Hey, new 00:33:56.680 --> 00:33:58.400 idea for, like, a business down the line. Soul 00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:01.079 tats. Yeah, exactly. Do you think if you just 00:34:01.079 --> 00:34:02.859 brought some scissors with you when you died, 00:34:02.900 --> 00:34:05.140 you could cut your own ghost hair? Oh, that's 00:34:05.140 --> 00:34:07.079 a good point. But then would every woman just 00:34:07.079 --> 00:34:09.639 grow back? Yeah. It's a new style every day. 00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:12.099 Like your woman in Interview with a Vampire. 00:34:12.199 --> 00:34:16.079 Oh, the wee one. Yeah, the wee one. I wouldn't 00:34:16.079 --> 00:34:18.179 mind dying in the church so then if Jesus can't 00:34:18.179 --> 00:34:20.639 ward off the ghost, I could be there as its defender. 00:34:21.119 --> 00:34:25.179 Oh, defender of the church. But then what's annoying 00:34:25.179 --> 00:34:27.219 there, I suppose, is people wouldn't know that 00:34:27.219 --> 00:34:28.579 I'm the defender and they would be like, thank 00:34:28.579 --> 00:34:30.679 you, Jesus, whereas I've done all the work. Yeah, 00:34:30.679 --> 00:34:32.980 legit, you've done everything. Do you think you 00:34:32.980 --> 00:34:35.000 can change your name? Do you think there's time 00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:37.900 to go down to the office now? City Hall isn't 00:34:37.900 --> 00:34:40.659 open today. Maybe, like, you could just, like, 00:34:40.940 --> 00:34:44.780 you know you did it. I know. Because I'm often 00:34:44.780 --> 00:34:46.739 externally motivated. I know after a while I'll 00:34:46.739 --> 00:34:48.400 start becoming a poltergeist or something. Wait, 00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:51.780 if one of us stays alive, then maybe we can spread 00:34:51.780 --> 00:34:55.099 the myth. Or we can maybe, like, put runes all 00:34:55.099 --> 00:34:57.500 over. Well, I know we're renting, and it's going 00:34:57.500 --> 00:35:00.099 to be a nightmare getting the deposit back. But 00:35:00.099 --> 00:35:02.039 we could maybe, like, write on the walls, like, 00:35:02.139 --> 00:35:05.000 we are ghosts, like that kind of thing. We are 00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:07.940 ghosts. We are ghosts. We defend this town. You 00:35:07.940 --> 00:35:09.619 know, like that kind of thing. But they might 00:35:09.619 --> 00:35:12.300 paint over it. They might paint over it. My one 00:35:12.300 --> 00:35:14.139 big concern is that we all get, like, attached 00:35:14.139 --> 00:35:16.219 to the property or the thing that killed us, 00:35:16.239 --> 00:35:18.179 too, and we're not able to roam, and then we're... 00:35:18.179 --> 00:35:19.920 I don't want to get attached to a Nissan. Okay, 00:35:19.940 --> 00:35:23.019 check it out. We go to the church. Go to the 00:35:23.019 --> 00:35:25.500 church. Covered in spaghetti? For sure. For sure. 00:35:26.019 --> 00:35:27.679 Haircuts if needed. Okay, thank you. Change of 00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:29.980 outfit. Go to the church. Want to look our best 00:35:29.980 --> 00:35:33.320 for our death. We take a stool, right? Regular 00:35:33.320 --> 00:35:37.519 old stool. It's got four legs at the bottom. 00:35:37.619 --> 00:35:39.980 Yeah? A regular stool. Just a regular old stool. 00:35:40.159 --> 00:35:44.199 We sharpen that stool right up, and we set it 00:35:44.199 --> 00:35:47.139 upside down on the ground. And at the same time, 00:35:47.179 --> 00:35:50.579 three, two, one, we fucking headbutt a leg of 00:35:50.579 --> 00:35:53.480 that stool each. All of us die exact same time. 00:35:53.519 --> 00:35:56.239 That way... That way we're stuck together in 00:35:56.239 --> 00:35:58.320 the afterlife. Hey, hey, check this out, check 00:35:58.320 --> 00:36:01.159 this out. Father, Son, Holy Ghost, only three. 00:36:01.380 --> 00:36:04.699 What if we, four of us, become more powerful 00:36:04.699 --> 00:36:09.679 than Jesus? Oh my gosh. But if we're going by 00:36:09.679 --> 00:36:14.219 the rules of transubstantiation and the transference 00:36:14.219 --> 00:36:17.239 of objects into the afterlife, would the chair 00:36:17.239 --> 00:36:19.420 come? Would we all be stuck to a chair together? 00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:22.369 Only if we kill the chair. Only if we kill the 00:36:22.369 --> 00:36:25.030 chair. Is the chair still a chair once its feet 00:36:25.030 --> 00:36:27.130 are now stakes? Yeah, do we need to break it 00:36:27.130 --> 00:36:28.030 all off? Is the chair still a chair if it's upside 00:36:28.030 --> 00:36:31.469 down? Do we maybe bring like a pizza cutter or 00:36:31.469 --> 00:36:33.210 something and then quarter it and then smash 00:36:33.210 --> 00:36:34.909 our heads into it so that at least in the... 00:36:34.909 --> 00:36:36.329 Yeah, because I know I will probably, I would, 00:36:36.409 --> 00:36:38.289 I will definitely do it. There's no chance of 00:36:38.289 --> 00:36:40.309 it happening. No, I am killing myself this time. 00:36:40.489 --> 00:36:43.230 But my worry is that I would go on like 2 .5 00:36:43.230 --> 00:36:45.150 accidentally and then so I'd be like a little 00:36:45.150 --> 00:36:47.090 bit ahead of you and my movement of hitting the 00:36:47.090 --> 00:36:49.880 chair would... throughout your rhythm so you're 00:36:49.880 --> 00:36:51.559 not going to hit it. So one of you is going to 00:36:51.559 --> 00:36:53.139 get through the neck and that's going to be brutal. 00:36:53.400 --> 00:36:56.659 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Possible survival 00:36:56.659 --> 00:36:59.559 there. No bueno. No bueno. And that's only three 00:36:59.559 --> 00:37:01.380 and then we're all fucked. And then maybe you 00:37:01.380 --> 00:37:03.159 can't talk and then how would you tell a ghost 00:37:03.159 --> 00:37:06.159 to go fuck himself? Yeah. Like, go away, big 00:37:06.159 --> 00:37:07.539 ghost. This is our time now. You've got a bit 00:37:07.539 --> 00:37:11.199 of oak through your larynx. Yeah. Look, we're 00:37:11.199 --> 00:37:12.840 all allergic to peanuts. Why don't we just have 00:37:12.840 --> 00:37:16.159 a wee chicken satay? I always wanted to try that. 00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:18.280 Right? That's a nice way to go. That sounds pretty 00:37:18.280 --> 00:37:21.000 cool. Like, we go, we get the chicken satay, 00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:22.940 we bring it to the church, a little bit of the 00:37:22.940 --> 00:37:26.300 sacrament. Yeah. And eat that stuff. I wish I 00:37:26.300 --> 00:37:29.219 had made rice instead of pasta. Oh, man. Rice 00:37:29.219 --> 00:37:30.960 would have rocked. Rice would have been great. 00:37:31.139 --> 00:37:33.900 Yeah. But hey, it's utility pasta. We could still 00:37:33.900 --> 00:37:36.679 make rice this time. Yeah. But look, spaghetti 00:37:36.679 --> 00:37:39.219 is just, it's just noodles by another name. Yeah, 00:37:39.320 --> 00:37:41.670 that's true. That's true. And they have the same 00:37:41.670 --> 00:37:43.769 ingredients, aren't they? Pretty much. Yeah, 00:37:43.889 --> 00:37:46.070 just cooked differently. My one worry is that 00:37:46.070 --> 00:37:50.230 once we douse ourselves in spaghetti, we get 00:37:50.230 --> 00:37:52.789 there, and then we stop the big ghost from getting 00:37:52.789 --> 00:37:55.610 in. We smush all the spaghetti in, but then we 00:37:55.610 --> 00:37:58.670 kill ourselves. And we're ghosts, and now... 00:37:58.940 --> 00:38:00.679 The spaghetti has become our downfall, and we 00:38:00.679 --> 00:38:02.099 can't leave. Oh, we're trapped in the church. 00:38:02.260 --> 00:38:04.480 I guess someone would eventually... Worst place 00:38:04.480 --> 00:38:05.940 to be. That's true. Someone would eventually 00:38:05.940 --> 00:38:07.679 move the spaghetti. Yeah, they'd get rid of it. 00:38:08.300 --> 00:38:10.739 That's true. Well, we could have them... I think 00:38:10.739 --> 00:38:12.880 maybe if they make a monument to us when we're 00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:15.719 found dead there, I have to never spaghetti or 00:38:15.719 --> 00:38:18.219 something. We've got to write notes. Never have 00:38:18.219 --> 00:38:20.960 chicken satay with spaghetti. Never spaghetti. 00:38:21.400 --> 00:38:24.179 It's a good rule. It's a strong rule. Oh, the 00:38:24.179 --> 00:38:29.489 fog's cleared. Oh. Oh. Where'd it go? Did we 00:38:29.489 --> 00:38:32.110 scare it off? I'm still wanting to try the chicken 00:38:32.110 --> 00:38:34.949 satay. We've worked a lot on this. And I think 00:38:34.949 --> 00:38:38.090 I'm ready for death. Oh, yeah. I'm all in. I 00:38:38.090 --> 00:38:40.690 don't want to go through this again. Yeah, so 00:38:40.690 --> 00:38:43.730 I'm going to go and get some tattoos, maybe. 00:38:44.409 --> 00:38:47.349 We've got time now, though. So we can prep. Yeah, 00:38:47.349 --> 00:38:49.210 we'll be ready for the next time the big ghost 00:38:49.210 --> 00:38:51.550 comes. So you need to change your name to Jesus. 00:38:51.869 --> 00:38:56.309 I need to get a haircut and some sick tats. And, 00:38:56.389 --> 00:39:00.269 yeah, I'm very glad, you know, we can maybe order 00:39:00.269 --> 00:39:03.730 some chicken salad. Yeah, I've got an EpiPen, 00:39:03.769 --> 00:39:18.369 it's fine, I'll live. For now. Back to Dunbracken 00:39:18.369 --> 00:39:20.690 is produced and edited by me, Conleth McVeigh. 00:39:22.130 --> 00:39:48.260 This part featured Patrick Meier. The opening 00:39:48.260 --> 00:39:50.440 and closing credits were created by Connor Mallon 00:39:50.440 --> 00:39:52.699 and you can check out his entire album Unearthed 00:39:52.699 --> 00:39:58.550 on Spotify now. Thank you for listening. We look 00:39:58.550 --> 00:40:00.869 forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very 00:40:00.869 --> 00:40:01.190 soon.