Oh no, it's happening. That big white mist coming
on. It's the big ghost. The big ghost is back.
It's going to swallow the town. Last time. Oh,
it's going to chill down my spine. Oh, it's going
to chill. Last time, my dad disrespected the
big ghost and he got in a car accident. During
the big ghost? During the big ghost. Oh my god.
I think the big ghost rammed his car into a tree.
Oh my god. And he never turns his lights on.
No, I didn't want to spook the big ghost. Jesus
Christ, what was that? What were you thinking?
Did you not see me? It's pretty foggy. The headlights,
they're not so good. Sorry, anyone hurt? I think
I might be. You might be hurt. I think I might.
What's wrong? What part of your body is ailing?
That much I'm not entirely convinced of, but
I think I might be. You took the whole side off
of my car. I told you it was an accident. It
affects visibility and that's why I crashed my
car into the side of yours. I'm sorry, look.
My right knee. Sorry? It's my right knee that's
been hurt. I can feel it. Nobody gives a fuck
about your knees. They grow back. My car door's
not going to grow back. Knees grow back? Your
knees grow back. My knees grow back. How many
knees have you lost? Been losing knees once or
twice a year. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm actually
trapped in your wheel well. You drove over me
three miles ago. I'm a doctor. My name's Dr.
Adam Smith. Common name, but it is my name. Sorry.
Should we get you out of there? Knees can grow
back. I should know. I studied for three years
at the University of Knees in Norwich. Doctor,
why are you climbing back into the wheel well?
It's where I feel safe. It reminds me of the
womb. Warm and oily. Very sorry. It's quite all
right. I'm very sorry, Doctor. It is quite all
right. It's the fog, though. I just, I mustn't
have seen you. Sorry, sorry to interrupt, but
Doctor, how long can I expect before my knee
grows back? One hundred and fifty years. No time.
But you said that you had a new one each year.
Is it different for each individual? Yes. It
is. For her, it's approximately three months.
For you, 150 years. And you, you drove over me
miles ago in a well -lit street. So don't be
blaming the fog. Turn those lights on your own
character and peer through the murky mists of
your own soul, sir. I'm sorry, Doctor. Tell me,
why doesn't your car have a steering wheel anyway?
I like to, I like to use my fingers. I remove
the wheel and I just drive it. hole inside where
the steering wheel normally attaches to. I'm
training, you see. I'm training my finger strength.
What are you training for? I'm going to climb
the mountain. With your fingers? Yes, with my
fingers. Just your fingers? Not just my fingers,
no. I'm going to be using my feet and legs too.
Dr. Adam Smith here. A preliminary examination
of your fingers would indicate weak or weak tendons.
Rags which couldn't even grapple with a small
hill. Your dreams will perish. Can he grow new
fingers if he loses them, just like me? If he
loses his fingers, they'll grow back as toes.
They'll be stronger? They will be really strong.
He'll just be some kind of strange dogman. That's
something to consider. Dogman in the fog, man.
Sorry, what were you saying? I said it might
be something to consider if his dream is to climb
a mountain, because... Strong toes could be more
beneficial than weak fingers. I say we throw
him in the sinkhole. See if he can climb out
of that. Hang on here. Hang on. Look, I may have
accidentally crashed into your car and driven
over a doctor, but there's no need to do something
drastic like throw me in the sinkhole. I think
that's how Batman learned how to be strong. Please,
have reason. I thought Batman learned how to
be strong through going through 17 years of painful
knee renewal. Nope. He fell in a well. Thank
you, Dr. Smith. No problem. What do we do when
we fall down, Master Bruce? We drive over doctors.
No, we... You are... Sing whole, everybody. Sing
whole. Sing whole. Sing whole. So I'm in the
hole. Hello, Dumb Bracken. It gives me no pleasure
to say this. But the day we have all feared has
come to pass. It has returned. The big ghost
is out there. The reports? First seen early this
morning? Some sort of white cloud descending
upon the town? First thought to be a hoax, of
course. The big ghost hasn't been seen in these
parts since. 2019. Claimed the lives of so many.
For seven years, we have been preparing for this
eventuality. Keep your loved ones close. Close
all your doors. Lock all your children. Don't
let the big ghost inside. And most importantly,
don't let the big ghost inside you. Stay safe
out there, Dumbbracken. Godspeed. Yeah, so I
think if we all get straws, we'll just be able
to drink the big ghost. That's risky. It's risky,
but we might die or we might get extra soul.
What if we become the big ghost? What if it gets
inside us and expands us and then me and you
stop being corporeal? I would, number one, I
would love to be the big ghost with you. That
would be pretty nice. Pretty nice. Like, we don't
need to be oppressive like the current big ghost.
Yeah, we could just float in and be like, how
do you do? And we'll move on. Yeah. We could
go to different towns. I don't know why it stays
here all the time. I know, I know. And you know
what? I would be more transparent. You think?
I think so. You would just let them have a little,
a little feel of a ghost. You know, like when
you leave your TV on to feel a bit of company.
Yeah. You'd have to be a bit like that. Yeah,
like wear a kind, warm shoulder rather than this
weird. Dirt. Wetness. That's a bite. Don't care
for that. No. Uh, no. No? No, sorry. You're not
gonna drink to pick ghosts? Or you wouldn't be
a supportive ghost? I've messed up, guys. I just
looked out the window. Brandy Straw is outside.
Oh. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Don't let him in. He
gets real weird when the ghost's here. But he's
got his outfit on. He's gonna sing a song. He's
gonna sing a song. I just had a couple of drinks,
you know? I get it. We've all had a couple of
drinks. We have? You're not meant to drink before
drinking the big ghost. We didn't know. We all
have the blood of a sparrow. If we drink before
we drink the big ghost, we're not going to get
enough big ghosts in us. But if he's gas, he'll
fill up any bits we have. You can't get gas through
a straw. Get gas through a straw? We tried that.
Yeah, you suck strong enough. I got the smoke
machine and I just inhaled a bunch of smoke with
straw. Yeah, remember he had to go to hospital
because he sucked too many helium balloons? Yeah.
That was a gas through a straw. That was gas
through a straw? Oh, yeah, no, I just poked a
straw right through the balloon and started inhaling.
Yeah. And I know what you're saying. I was probably
standing above the balloon. I was not. I was
below, sucking in the helium. Yeah. So you know
you can do it. You never visited me in the hospital
either. Yeah, he had a popped lung. And I sounded
all squeaky. It was kind of fun. Yeah, you should
have been there. It was funny in the hospital.
Yeah. Yeah, I know I should have gone by. I was
busy with the cats. That's fair. I forgot about
the cat. Yeah. Someone's got to think about them.
Oh. I don't know what I did with them tonight.
I'm not sure if I would want a drink. One second.
Brandy, we don't need your business, but if you
could go to my house, my cats are probably hungry.
Okay, got it. Do you want to sing your song?
I'll sing along, Brandy. No? Okay, we'll just
make sure the cats are okay. You know what? We
give Brandy a lot of shit, but Brandy was pretty
cooperative. Brandy was pretty chill there. Wow,
he wasn't cooperative. He's going to get your
cards that you forgot. He wouldn't sing. You
left them defenseless. The big ghost could have
them right now. I left them with knives. I left
them with knives. They have knives in their hands.
Yeah. If they were really desperate, they could
probably pry open the fridge to get some food.
I saw a video of a cat fighting off a cobra,
but I don't know if it could fight off the big
ghost. Its reaction times are fast, but what
do you do when it's all around you? I have seen
that video, and when I was watching it, I actually
thought that that cobra was possessed by some
form of ghost. Oh, like us drinking the big ghost
and becoming the ghost. But I would like to get
the cat involved in that too. I don't want to
leave him behind. I mean, I've been planning
this for weeks, and now you're suddenly getting
the cat involved. And I don't want it to be one
of my cats. Well, you might have been planning
it all. You know how many gases I drank through
a straw in preparation for this? You had a popped
lung. I had a popped lung. I didn't know that
there was a plan involved when you ruined that
kid's birthday party. He had a whole, like...
Fucking song that he came out with whenever he
was pop song. No one could understand him. Pop
lung in the hospital. Yeah, yeah. He had a pop
song and his name was Pop Lung. He started halfway
through the helium. He was already, no one could
understand him. He ruined the kid's birthday
party. You gotta have a gas, you gotta suck it
through a straw, you gotta have a gas, you gotta
have a blast. Come on, how do you not understand
that? I understand it. The last time he had a
popped lung and wouldn't stop trying to sing
that, apparently. That's why he went by Pop Lung.
Yeah. Anyway, we're going to drink the big ghost,
right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to empty my bladder,
make sure I'm ready. Okay. Let's never fight
again. Yeah, okay. And when we're all the big
ghosts, we won't fight. Oh. We'll be, like, together.
Yeah. Like, synced. Yeah, like Casper's uncles.
Casper's uncle. They were jerks, though. Yeah,
but they were three ghosts who were together.
They liked each other. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'd be, like,
stinky. I think that was the name of the skinny
one. I think he's way off board now. I don't
want to... No, I think it was... There was Fatso?
Was he really called Fatso? I'm pretty sure he
was called Fatso. Why is it Casper and then just
disparaging remarks against the other threes
for name? We don't have time for this. We can't
keep dissecting Casper. But if there's a chance
one of us will be a friendly ghost, I hope it's
you. I hope it's me too. Yeah, I think you deserve
it. Thanks. After that pop lung. Yeah. I hope
we all get glommed together as one big ghost
personally, but we'll see what happens. Even
if we were glommed together, I think my cats
would still be able to recognize me. They would
know you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. It's
a real shame that you didn't get to number one
with that track, by the way. No. I had it on
repeat. It was a big TikTok hit, though. It was.
A lot of people making fun of you. Yeah, yeah.
I defended you in the comments, and it turns
out I was shadow banned. Yeah. I just would have
liked the heads up to know that you were going
to do a surprise birthday for me. Surprise? Yeah,
I get that. But, you know, I would have put on
makeup. I would have had a shower, for Christ's
sake. No, you look so lovely in your natural
self. Like, you're just... You know, this is
you, the whole real you. Yeah, but I don't want
people to see the whole real me. I wear makeup
and the things I choose to wear for a reason.
Also, I feel like I was loudly bitching about
Kevin as I walked in. Yeah. Yeah, Kevin, are
you okay? Uh, I kind of... I wouldn't mind going
home, but because the big ghost, uh... Could
we just turn the lights off instead? In lieu
of that? Because I don't know how long I can
keep a straight face for. I, as much as you,
wanted the secrecy of how I really felt about
you, you know? Oh, I understand. I get it. Sometimes
you don't want to hear those things, you know?
But I just thought we were doing a nice thing.
But I get it now. Inner feelings, this is your
inner sanctum. Yeah, I could have asked permission
to be like, oh, well, we're going to do an event
in your apartment, but we can't tell you what
it is. And at least that way I would have kind
of got from inference that maybe I should put
on makeup and, you know, not bitch loudly about
Kevin. Well, you really did say that you wanted
something special for your birthday. People say
that, though. You said you wanted something special,
like in the same way that Kevin's completely
unremarkable. Oh, Kevin. If you can take that
unremarkableness and bottle the opposite of it.
Yeah, I mean, you're lucky that I was speaking
so emphatically about how unremarkable you are,
given that you are so unremarkable. But Kevin,
you know, you are unremarkable, but in a good
way. People don't need to be remarkable, you
know? Thousands of people die every day, and
they're not remarked on. Thousands of people
are born every day, and for a hundred years,
nothing will happen to them. Being average is
fine. You know what? In hindsight, if you had
been leading this whole surprise birthday thing,
maybe you wouldn't have even landed on the idea.
Maybe I would have had an unremarkable birthday
in my apartment, and a very nice special birthday
in a good restaurant. But it's fine. It's fine.
Okay, well... I did call around a few restaurants,
but after what you did the last birthday, nobody
would... You've got a bit of a name for yourself.
Yeah, well, I can't help that all the restauranteurs
are in a group chat together. It's a small town.
Yeah, and, you know, you are the opposite of
Kevin in this town. You're very remarkable. People
know who you are and... And I haven't asked for
that. That's just been based on my actions. Kevin,
you could learn a lesson or two from me. I make
nice doorknobs for people. People need something
to knock on their door. Doorknobs and knockers.
And we will remark on the doorknocker, but we
less remark on the doorknocker maker. Didn't
we ask you, Kevin, just to not bring work to
the fun things that we do? Sometimes when you
get into the minutiae of... Because some doorknockers
are really interesting because they have to be
soft enough to not startle you. But then... They
need to be hard enough so that if you're in the
back of the house, you still hear it. And there's
a beauty and a craft to that. It's just we often
end up talking a lot about knobs and knockers
when you're around, Kevin. And I don't get why
everyone giggles at it. It's a serious business.
Because you managed to make it in the least remarkable
way about knobs and knockers, Kevin. What's remarkable
about knobs and knockers? It just... They're
just important parts that everybody needs. I'm
so glad that, you know, all this effort I made
to put this lovely birthday party together has
once again ended in fiasco. Listen, I can't help
it that all the restaurants have now put me on
a watch list because I was loudly talking about
knobs and knockers last year. If anything, Kevin's
fault. Loudly. And drunkenly. Yeah, and I understand
why people maybe misunderstood what I was talking
about. And then you destroyed a lot of knobs
and knockers. Kevin had a really hard time getting
all that work done. I lost a lot of money. I
said, hey, put it on the tab. I was testing how
robust they were because you work with metal
for your knobs and knockers. I'm trying not to
bring it to hooters. Like, I'm trying not to.
Well, go to Hooters next year for your birthday.
Yeah, they like that chat. All right, guys. Once
again, for reference, it's not fog if the clouds
are in the sky. It's got to be a ground level.
You don't know that, though. I do know that.
Where does the sky start and end, though? How
low are we talking? Here's the general rule.
If you can throw a rock at it, it's not in the
sky. What about that sky? cloud that's in that
field though. The sky cloud. You gotta give more
detail. The sky cloud that's in that field that
looks like the fog but is smaller than the fog
and has four legs. You mean the fucking sheep?
No. The sheep's not fog. Sheep's aren't fog.
We can't have this conversation again. What if
that gets bigger though? What if that gets bigger
and becomes gaseous? I won't rate. I won't rate.
What do you mean what won't rate? If the sheep
gets bigger at like a centimeter a year that's
fine. We're talking about like a meter a minute.
What about that big cloud over there? With, like,
the 12 legs. Yeah. The one that's given birth.
Is that a pile of sheep? It's a pile of sheep.
Right. Pile of sheep. Got it, got it. Is that
not the big ghost? No, that's cotton candy right
there. What about all the little white balls
that I put in my mouth? Teeth? No, little white
balls. Popcorn? No. Are you talking about the
cotton balls? Yeah, I put cotton balls in my
mouth. What about cotton balls? Not fog. Not
fog? Not fog. Okay, wait. One final question.
I feel like this isn't going to be the final
question. I feel like there's going to be 18
more questions of this. Yes, there might be.
We've had this meeting for the last three hours.
But the thing is... My kids are home alone. The
babysitter left a long time ago. Wrap this up.
Well, that's your fault for hiring Sandra as
the babysitter. I give her... $20 and they say,
give me as much babysitting as this will get.
Aren't your kids like 24? Yeah. Well, they can't
be trusted. They cannot be trusted. No one, no
one, the fog's in town. The fog's not in town.
Jesus Christ. I think I just saw the fog. Oh,
geez. It's coming out of Barry's mouth. Barry.
No. Stop smoking in here, Barry. If I smoke around
the cigarette with a cup bowl in my mouth. This
feels like a fire hazard. Yeah. This feels like
you're going to burn your mouth. Yeah. but it's
all for a bit of fun. You can vape, though. You
cannot vape. You cannot smoke. Better be safe
than sorry. I'll just stab Barry. I think we
could maybe try an exorcism on Barry. Let's not
stab him right away. We won't stab him right
away, but we're exorcising. But he is clearly
possessed by the fog. You can't tell me I can't
vape out here. I can tell you whatever the hell
I want. You can't vape. You can't eat chicken
wings. Stop eating chicken wings. I have to clean
up afterwards. Everybody down there on Dumb Bracken
denied you're listening to Dumb Bracken 105 .7.
I know that we go south there, but don't worry.
We got plenty of spooks and scares right in here
for you all night long. And here in Dumb Bracken
105 .7, we think that one of the spookiest things
we can do is raise the judge. And what better
way to do that? than to hear from one of our
fallen comrades this year. That's right, we're
bringing back one of the unaired Roger Sterling
interview segments. Everyone will remember Roger
as the guy who valiantly went down during the
scuffle for Dunbracken. What a hero. What a man.
We're going to play you his final interview from
before the war started so that you can truly
enjoy. The man behind the mic. Of course, the
song was playing at the time of the interview.
This was the final song that went in before the
interview started. So we also, our technician
is off today. He couldn't come in because of
the big ghost. And we don't quite know how to,
you know, skip ahead from this song. But this
was the final song that played before. Roger's
interview. It doesn't have any words, so you're
going to have to sit through it. Roger had this
thing for bands who didn't use words. Instrumentals.
So, I don't know. I think he wanted nobody else's...
You know, this kind of... Oh, okay. I like when
they change. It's like we're underwater with
this little bit. Oh, and I bet you it's going
to come back about the water now. Oh, oh. Here,
what's going to happen? Oh, okay. It's like 80s
synthwave on drugs, which I guess is just 80s
synthwave, but okay. I think Roger didn't want
any, you know, any other voices to be heard that
he didn't have full control over, so, huh, singers?
Sorry, uh, plum out of luck with Roger. Uh, I
think we've got like another two and a half minutes
of this song, uh, so I - I don't know, uh, there's
no one else. here in the boat uh okay i guess
we'll i'll read some advertising we'll read some
advertisements yeah free publicity for some stuff
in the town i get okay uh what do we have here
i don't really have a list of every uh i don't
really have a list uh okay so there's manscaped
uh mans caped cape services i guess if that's
if you need someone to uh iron your capes okay
mans scaped Scapegoat friends willing to take
the fall for anything. What is this? Why is this
just a list of... Man, apostrophe, S, capped?
Is that like a... Is that a hitman? What is that?
Man's... Man's capped. I guess it's a hitman.
Okay. Uh... Man's scrapped. Realistic and authentic
fake fight art to make any guy seem cool in front
of a first date. Does that have to be like...
Any, any first date? Uh, or could it just be
any friends? I don't know why they stipulate
first date. And then Man, our final, Man's Cape
Town. Superhero expose. Why is it in Clemsford
in England? Why is that being advertised here?
And why is it, why is it not in Cape Town? Oh,
here's one. Okay, sorry. I just found a few more.
Christian Mingle. Okay, so there's any singles
out there? Okay, great. Oh, okay. Okay, so Christian
Mingle. Christian Mingle. Okay, cool. Oh, yeah.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Suplex sounds table crack crashing. Oh, I guess,
well, we don't, this is just the read. Are you
single? Are you sick of dating apps when nobody
talks about what you want to talk about? Well,
forget about talking all together here at Christian
Mangles. Mangles? Oh, Christian Mangles, not
Mingles. Okay, so the title was... Spelled wrong.
Okay. Christian Mangels. Okay. Here at Christian
Mangels, we let the Lord do our talking for us
and our bodies do the rest. I don't like that.
Don't like how that was phrased. We have a weekly
sermon and then pile drive straight into some
wrestling. Thank God. I didn't know it was going
to be wrestling. Where you may find your tag
team partner for life. Oh, okay. Roger's about
to come in now. The song's over. He is Roger
Sterling in one of his final interviews. Let's
go. Hey, everybody. It's Roger coming at you
live from Dunbracken 105 .7. Oh, Roger said it
was live. This is not a live clip. This was probably
about seven months ago. It is not live. I always
have to make that disclaimer here. Okay, back
to you, Roger. It's the man himself. It's Colonel
Marzipan. Please, come on in. Welcome. It's actually
a bit disappointing. I'm having to do a late
call -out. A casting call -out. Is that why you're
here today? It wasn't originally, but it is now.
I need a man who could play some sort of monkey.
Huh. I would prefer Bonobo, but it's open to
the artiste, because it's so last minute. What
about me, if you don't mind me asking? Do you
think you could see me on the stage? Do you think
I'd be a good fit? I'm looking for a man who
would be able to hold his own body weight for
roughly two hours. That seems like a bit of a
tall order, if you don't mind me saying. I believe
there would be someone available in Dunbracken
to do this. Not that I've seen this person. I've
asked around many bars, but I believe someone
would have the determination to do this. What's
this for, if you don't mind me asking? Is it
a play that you've been working on? It's a recreation.
A recreation? We don't get that word very often
in terms of local amateur drama and theatre,
you know? Someone came to me in the middle of
the night. There was a knock at the window, and
I heard the saddest story that I've ever heard,
and it involved quite a lot of monkeys. This
man had been taken hostage while on a holiday
to Zanzibar, and the tales he told, I'm not sure
if they were entirely true, but it shook me,
and now I want to do him justice. And I don't
believe that anything under two hours would suffice.
I had someone in mind, and... They disappointed
me. 20 minutes was all they could manage. They
cried for quite some time. They said that they
could do two hours, but you can't do over 20
minutes. I don't think you could do two hours.
I mean, Terrence is pretty strong here. Do you
think he would be cut off? Terrence is far too
heavy. Thank you, Roger, but it's true. Look
at those arms. He could definitely not support
himself. My calves alone would leave me immobile.
I know he's had his arms above his head holding
from this pipe for quite some time, but I can
see his feet are... On the ground. I would say
that we have three calls. We've got three calls?
We have three calls. I'm surprised. I didn't
think that many people would be wanting to call
the colonel. They heard that the colonel was
on. Are these people interested in being my bonobo?
They just came in the last three minutes. Okay,
patch them through. Put them on. Line one, you're
on now. With Roger. Hello, Mr. Marzipan Roberts.
Speaking. Yes. I was just wondering why Bonobo
rather than like a chain. Next. Obviously not
interested in this role. Just posing questions.
Line two. You're on with Colonel Marzipan Roberts
and Roger from 105 .7. That's me. First of all,
I would like to thank you for your service towards
this country. Not the first. How would you feel
about like a real animal? Like proper method
acting? So is the animal acting? It would be
a genuine monkey, but it would act and do the
lines as rehearsed. There's no lines, don't worry.
Oh, there's not? It's a sinister glare. Piercing
eyes. It is a very distinct... I'm looking across
the room, it can do sinister glare. Roger, I'm
just looking at Marzipan's script and it has
a monkey beating a man to death. Sorry, two men
to death. Interesting. Okay, now, I can't confirm
that it can do it, but looking at it... Oh, no,
it's nodding, it's nodding. What I would say
is that we do have a stuntman booked for the
action sequence. I think that'll help. Yeah,
that'll be fine. Now, I mean, it sounds like
you've got your person there, but I don't want
to keep our listeners unsatisfied here on Dunbrack
105 .7, so we're going to patch line three through.
Line three, you're on the air, but unlikely to
get the job. Um, hi, Mr. Marzipan. Who are you?
Call me Colonel if you're going to address me.
Do you recognize my voice? I can't say I do.
I just want to know why you're being so insolent.
Because I don't respect you. Cut him off. Cut
him off. Who is this? Cut him off. No, keep it
on. How's your pan? I was there. I was there
when that nonobo got loose. Go again with that?
I was there when he got loose. A nonobo? This
man has no diction. Who is this man to speak
to me? It's the man from your window. I was there
when that bonobo got out and beat that woman
to death. Don't share the story on the air. We're
going to do the recreation. Don't ruin this for
me. You left me there. This is my role. Cut him
off. This is my role. Roger, cut him off. Well,
listeners, you heard it here today. What an exciting
ton of events we had. That man was an imposter.
Whoever that was. Obviously has no respect for
the arts because he didn't even call me by my
correct title. I believe this man is an anarchist
in the town and he's nothing but trouble. You
should block the number from the station immediately.
In fact, let me just rummage around these buttons.
Oh, uh, you didn't do that, Colonel, but you
are, you are very, yeah, okay, I will step back
from you. You know, I used to operate something
similar in the army. It's just a bunch of side
effects. Thank you. Terrence? Quite correct.
I operated the sound effect board in the army.
I would play blasts over large speakers to scare
the enemies. Ooh, this was a common question
from our listeners. Which army? Which war? I
don't want to talk about it. If that's okay.
I think we've heard enough here today from Colonel
Mazapan. Well, if you would like to hear more,
I'm currently working on an audiobook. Please
say more about that. Well, you'd need to listen
to the audiobook, but it is about a fairy. Okay,
well... What? Okay, not the response I expected.
It is about a fairy that likes cocoa powder.
Okay, so if you want to hear Colonel Marzipan's
cocoa powder... Okay, I'll give you a taste.
Elizabeth woke on a lovely Sunday morning. I'm
sorry, I don't have the script in front of me.
I'm going off. Off my top of my head. Thank you
for listening today to Dumb Bracken 105 .7. This
has been Roger Sterling here with Colonel Marzipan.
Hey. We'll see you next time. Eliza, I mean,
it's really messing with me because you put me
off. You know that? You disregarded my work.
I honestly... And you let that fool on line three
on. Colonel, I think you kind of do it to yourself.
You've got too much power in this town. Some
would say not enough. I'm waiting for the next
town council meeting. You're running for mayor?
I'm not running for mayor. The mayor is the face.
I want to be the, uh... I've said too much. Line
two, you're on. Oh, shit, are we on? I've been
on the whole time. And that was Roger Sterling
here with someone you know and love, of course,
in the town, Colonel Marzipan Roberts. What a
delightful man. Anyone who went on to see that
play, of course that was seven months ago before
the play had officially been brought to stage,
and everyone will know that the play unfortunately
has a dark history in the town. Now, after it
was on for two weeks every night, and on day
11 of 14, I guess the gorilla discovered that
the stuntman was having sex with his wife, and
brought a gun to the stage, and, well, tore the
arms off. that stuntman, who made it look incredibly
realistic because it was. His arms were detached
from his body in front of 124 people. Thankfully,
the children, like always, were instructed to
leave after the first six minutes. The first
six minutes of any Colonel Marzipan play are
PG -12, and then it moves quickly to R -rated,
so the kids have to get out after six minutes.
Thank God they did, or else they'd be scarred
like I was watching an angry, cocked gorilla
tear the arms straight from the bone. He took
the gun, of course, but I think the gorilla should
have known that the gun wasn't going to be effective,
because in the play, that same gun is ineffective.
The man survived, of course. His arms were able
to be reattached. just slightly lower than they
should be. So there was so much damage done to
the shoulder joints there that they just kind
of cut a bit off of the arm and put it down like,
like a little bit down below the armpit, of course,
the arms. So he's sort of got straight line where
the armpits and shoulders should be and then
slightly below the armpits, his arms are now
attached. And they actually function okay. Ironically,
he can like walk like a gorilla now because his
arms are so low and stuff. So he has the exact,
if you can picture a man who can just walk like
a gorilla, you know, a gorilla's arms are so
much longer than the legs and the body. So his
arms aren't any longer. In fact, they're a little
shorter because they had to cut some of the top
off. But where they are positioned on his body,
he's able to walk like a gorilla. which actually
has worked out in his favor because, as I mentioned
before, he was having an affair with the gorilla's
wife. And it turns out this really worked for
the gorilla's wife. She was really into this
new arm placement and, well, they got a divorce.
Thankfully, they got a divorce. The gorilla,
of course, in prison now because he tore the
arms off of a man. And I think that's fair. Unfortunately,
it was hard to find a jury of his peers for quite
a while because, well, it's hard to get 12 gorillas
into jury duty because the Alpha was on trial,
so they were constantly just agreeing with the
Alpha. So there were about seven mistrials before
eventually... The judge was like, okay, I'm just,
I'm going to make an executive decision here.
And so now that judge is also in prison and the
gorilla is now out. He was in prison for a very
short time, but it turns out you can't just make
a decision as a judge because that's illegal.
So the judge himself is now in prison and the
gorilla is out. And you know what? He's found
a new love of his life, the theater. him and
marzipan are working on the next big project
we have no clue what it is but we do keep seeing
the gorilla snatching people from the town and
climbing up buildings so if anyone can guess
please tell me because i have no idea what that
is but yes the big ghost is here so please stay
with us and indoors here at dumb bracken 105
.7 after this little ditty Thank you for listening
to The Big Ghost. This is part one of our two
-part Big Ghost Halloween episode. The next part
will be out in the coming days. I am trying my
best to get it out before Halloween. I think
it should be, yeah. I'm hoping to hit What is
that, Tuesday the 28th? Anyway, this part featured
Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerard Donnelly,
Ciaran Sands, Jane McKeever, Megan Scott, Eddie
Goodwin, Phil Grieve, Daiglin King, Kit Rees,
and Niall McKenna.