WEBVTT 00:00:01.229 --> 00:00:04.290 Since the dawn of time, Ireland has played host 00:00:04.290 --> 00:00:07.669 to unimaginable horrors, ushered in through an 00:00:07.669 --> 00:00:09.849 ever-weakening veil between our world and the 00:00:09.849 --> 00:00:14.310 other side. They live among us, shaping our mythology, 00:00:14.589 --> 00:00:19.010 sowing chaos... scaring the shit out of people! 00:00:19.489 --> 00:00:23.190 Not all hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned 00:00:23.190 --> 00:00:25.949 and underappreciated, the OSNA stand proudly 00:00:25.949 --> 00:00:28.170 in the way of unchecked, otherworldly chaos. 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.620 This secret network of brave volunteers put their 00:00:31.620 --> 00:00:34.340 lives and their sanity on the line, all for a 00:00:34.340 --> 00:00:37.000 better tomorrow. Have you ever woken up to a 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:39.100 foot massage from a banshee but her hair was 00:00:39.100 --> 00:00:40.780 all long and wet, and it got all stuck between 00:00:40.780 --> 00:00:42.600 your toes, and you were like "get off me, you 00:00:42.600 --> 00:00:46.520 big wet menace!" You better call the OSNA before 00:00:46.520 --> 00:00:51.420 you find yourself in The Bad Articles. Hello, 00:00:51.539 --> 00:00:54.780 hello, hello. I'm JR McCormick, and I am absolutely 00:00:54.780 --> 00:00:57.119 delighted to welcome you to the very first recording 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.000 of The Bad Articles. This is an improvised comedy, 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:01.920 horror, tabletop show set right here in Ireland, 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.200 so if you're a fan of rolling dice, sipping Guinness, 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:06.459 and being mildly haunted, you've come to the 00:01:06.459 --> 00:01:10.000 right place. Every engine needs an ear, so give 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:12.079 it up to the man in the hidden fortress with 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:14.120 the headphones on. It's our resident sound sorcerer, 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:18.159 Clark Phillips. Huzzah to Clark. Huzzah. Huzzah 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:21.219 to Clark. Huzzah. Huzzah. Huzzah, everyone. Huzzah. 00:01:21.819 --> 00:01:23.840 Every game needs its master, and guiding us through 00:01:23.840 --> 00:01:25.780 tonight's creeping dread is none other than our 00:01:25.780 --> 00:01:27.620 very own sweet prince of darkness, Aidan Kelly. 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:31.939 Huzzah, huzzah. Huzzah to Aidan Kelly. Are you 00:01:31.939 --> 00:01:34.719 good? Are you excited? Oh, very. I'm very excited 00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:36.939 as well. And of course, what's a game without 00:01:36.939 --> 00:01:40.489 its victims? Sorry. Players... Before we abandon our real 00:01:40.489 --> 00:01:43.069 names and descend into madness together, let 00:01:43.069 --> 00:01:44.950 me introduce our wonderful cast. Conleth McVeigh, 00:01:45.129 --> 00:01:49.609 huzzah, huzzah. Laura Conlon, huzzah, huzzah. 00:01:50.290 --> 00:01:54.530 Patrick Meier, huzzah, huzzah. And Niall McKenna, 00:01:54.650 --> 00:01:59.840 huzzah, huzzah. Thank you all for joining this 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:02.159 chaotic, spooky and very silly show. Before we 00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:04.400 dive into the darkness, I have a question for 00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:06.939 each of you. A real life question. Have you ever 00:02:06.939 --> 00:02:09.400 had a supernatural or otherworldly experience 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:12.379 in the real world, Conleth McVeigh? Oh, I have 00:02:12.379 --> 00:02:16.000 not. I have not existed on this plane for long 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:18.189 enough. You think it happens when you get older? 00:02:18.210 --> 00:02:20.490 I think it's coming for me, but I don't think 00:02:20.490 --> 00:02:23.889 it's here yet. That's fair. Laura? I've seen 00:02:23.889 --> 00:02:25.490 three ghosts. You've seen three ghosts? Okay, 00:02:25.550 --> 00:02:30.110 tell us about the ghosts. One of them was on 00:02:30.110 --> 00:02:32.830 Halloween, which really ruins my case for any 00:02:32.830 --> 00:02:35.930 legitimacy. 100%. Yeah, you've seen two ghosts 00:02:35.930 --> 00:02:37.889 and we're at a Halloween party. It was really 00:02:37.889 --> 00:02:43.199 authentic. He had a Peaky Blinders cap on. Aidan 00:02:43.199 --> 00:02:46.099 Kelly, actually? No, I've never seen a ghost. 00:02:46.099 --> 00:02:47.979 Don't believe in ghosts. My house is trying to 00:02:47.979 --> 00:02:50.419 make me believe in ghosts. Anytime the wind blows, 00:02:50.599 --> 00:02:54.939 it legitimately goes in my living room "ooooohhhh". That's 00:02:54.939 --> 00:03:00.759 fun. Patrick Meier, ever been spooked? I've once looked 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:03.360 at a property that, if not haunted, has definitely 00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:05.659 been used to dispose of bodies. I think that's 00:03:05.659 --> 00:03:09.780 the closest to supernatural. The house has been 00:03:09.780 --> 00:03:12.259 used to dispose of bodies? Not like the garden 00:03:12.259 --> 00:03:15.860 or anything? Oh, no, no. There was like a bathroom 00:03:15.860 --> 00:03:17.879 that was like the size of like a sports hall 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:20.180 with just like a single bathtub on a pedestal 00:03:20.180 --> 00:03:24.719 with like a rusty jury-rigged pipe going towards 00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:27.740 it. So I don't know if that's supernatural, but 00:03:27.740 --> 00:03:35.659 it feels spooky, at least. And Niall McKenna? When 00:03:35.659 --> 00:03:39.039 I was a kid, I was a coward. So I saw spooky things 00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:41.750 all the time. Now as an adult, I'm still a coward, 00:03:41.930 --> 00:03:45.229 but I also have a fierce rationality. So no ghosts 00:03:45.229 --> 00:03:46.969 as of yet, but I'll keep you posted. No ghosts yet? 00:03:47.629 --> 00:03:50.050 That's fair, that's fair. I have a wee story 00:03:50.050 --> 00:03:53.210 for you. Oh. Oh, a leading question from... A 00:03:53.210 --> 00:03:55.629 leading question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This wee 00:03:55.629 --> 00:03:58.969 story takes place on a Wednesday in the town 00:03:58.969 --> 00:04:05.060 of Rathgoole in the year of our Lord, 1993. This 00:04:05.060 --> 00:04:07.759 quaint, little village sits at the heart of Ireland 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:10.419 and has an ever-fluctuating resident count of 00:04:10.419 --> 00:04:13.460 between 2,000 and 20,000, depending on what 00:04:13.460 --> 00:04:16.000 best serves the narrative at any given moment. 00:04:16.420 --> 00:04:19.519 Set in the basin of a mountain range, rolling 00:04:19.519 --> 00:04:22.560 fields meet metropolitan architecture in a clash 00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:25.939 of soil and steel. It's sort of like Coleraine, 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:29.759 but spooky. On the corner of Sliotar's Cross 00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:32.439 sits a crooked and dishevelled little building, 00:04:32.620 --> 00:04:35.620 roof shingles forever threatening to slide loose 00:04:35.620 --> 00:04:39.139 and brain a passerby, dusty aisle windows displaying 00:04:39.139 --> 00:04:42.399 concertinas and old typewriters and shit. It's 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:45.160 a pub, if you haven't guessed already, and above 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:47.839 its large red doors swings a squeaky little sign 00:04:47.839 --> 00:04:51.120 which reads Wight's Tavern. Not like the colour, 00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:54.949 like the undead servant of a necromancer. Through 00:04:54.949 --> 00:04:58.410 the big red door, we see the inside of a stereotypical 00:04:58.410 --> 00:05:01.550 public house. Every single item in the bar looks 00:05:01.550 --> 00:05:04.069 like it's been here for at least 40 years, apart 00:05:04.069 --> 00:05:06.949 from a brand new jukebox in the far corner. We 00:05:06.949 --> 00:05:08.629 haven't figured out all the buttons yet, but 00:05:08.629 --> 00:05:11.230 I can play Push It by Salt-N-Pepa. Round the 00:05:11.230 --> 00:05:13.430 back of the bar, we've got a pool table, but somebody 00:05:13.430 --> 00:05:15.110 lost one of the yellows and it hasn't really 00:05:15.110 --> 00:05:17.750 been fair since. No one wants to pick reds anymore, 00:05:17.850 --> 00:05:19.750 so the game has basically become about sticking 00:05:19.750 --> 00:05:22.089 50p into the pool table and seeing who can say 00:05:22.089 --> 00:05:24.509 the word yellow fastest. Behind the bar, there's 00:05:24.509 --> 00:05:26.769 a half-empty sheet of scampi fries as well as 00:05:26.769 --> 00:05:29.370 both northern and southern Tayto. On the ceiling, 00:05:29.370 --> 00:05:31.449 there's a wee table and chairs nailed upside 00:05:31.449 --> 00:05:34.410 down next to an oul' bicycle and a rake of foreign 00:05:34.410 --> 00:05:36.829 money. Now that you've seen the pub, let me tell 00:05:36.829 --> 00:05:39.509 you a wee bit about myself. My name's Assumpta. 00:05:39.649 --> 00:05:42.009 I have quite a few responsibilities here in town. 00:05:42.189 --> 00:05:44.810 Not only do I run the pub here, but I'm also 00:05:44.810 --> 00:05:48.370 the Elder of the local chapter of the OSNA. That's 00:05:48.370 --> 00:05:51.389 right, the Official Supernatural Neutralisation 00:05:51.389 --> 00:05:54.069 Agency. I suppose you'd call us ghost hunters, 00:05:54.209 --> 00:05:56.610 but it's a bit more complex than that. Every 00:05:56.610 --> 00:05:59.230 chapter runs itself differently, but the core 00:05:59.230 --> 00:06:02.509 message remains the same. Stop ghosts and ghouls 00:06:02.509 --> 00:06:04.589 and fairies and shit from tormenting people. 00:06:05.019 --> 00:06:07.660 As the elder, I call the shots, but I used to 00:06:07.660 --> 00:06:09.819 be a Knuckle. Knuckles, you see, are what we 00:06:09.819 --> 00:06:12.259 call field agents. They're the ones that stand 00:06:12.259 --> 00:06:15.019 toe to incorporeal toe with the things what go 00:06:15.019 --> 00:06:17.100 bump in the night. Then we have the Clippers. 00:06:17.379 --> 00:06:19.459 They're the folks that peel through the newspapers 00:06:19.459 --> 00:06:22.279 every day to find the stories worth investigating. 00:06:22.540 --> 00:06:25.240 They keep their noses to the ground, their eyes 00:06:25.240 --> 00:06:27.720 on the daily rags, and their scissors close to 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:30.339 hand. Lastly, there's the second in command, 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:33.500 Mervyn. He's the Warden of this chapter, sort 00:06:33.500 --> 00:06:36.439 of an assistant manager. Imagine if I was God, 00:06:36.660 --> 00:06:39.620 he'd be Metatron. He's a good lad, so he is, 00:06:39.740 --> 00:06:42.040 but he could use a bit of help out there. Since 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:43.860 we lost the last batch of new recruits when they 00:06:43.860 --> 00:06:46.019 got eaten by a house last year, he's been out 00:06:46.019 --> 00:06:48.879 covering every Article he can on his own. Now, 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:51.100 he's spent the last few weeks sticking up flyers 00:06:51.100 --> 00:06:52.939 for our monthly recruitment drive because he 00:06:52.939 --> 00:06:55.360 reckons that that new science show, The X -Files, 00:06:55.459 --> 00:06:57.399 might help us get a bit more interest from the 00:06:57.399 --> 00:07:00.930 young folks. Well, what do you know? The wee 00:07:00.930 --> 00:07:03.449 bell above the door has just rang. Maybe we've 00:07:03.449 --> 00:07:06.230 struck lucky. Mervyn will be back soon, but in 00:07:06.230 --> 00:07:08.329 the meantime, let's just hope they all get chatting 00:07:08.329 --> 00:07:10.050 to one another about who they are and whatnot. 00:07:10.810 --> 00:07:13.629 Hi, Clarry Postman, the milkman. Hi, Clarry Postman, 00:07:13.709 --> 00:07:15.689 the milkman. Hi, I'm Clarry Postman, the milkman. 00:07:15.829 --> 00:07:19.290 Right, I'll talk to you. Oh, hello. Hi, I'm Clarry 00:07:19.290 --> 00:07:23.970 Postman, the milkman. Hi. Do you think just repeating 00:07:23.970 --> 00:07:27.870 your name is enough to start a rapport? Well, 00:07:27.910 --> 00:07:30.569 I was hoping that you would have stopped me sooner, 00:07:30.670 --> 00:07:34.509 if I'm being completely honest. I don't like 00:07:34.509 --> 00:07:36.589 to introduce myself a lot to people, but I figured 00:07:36.589 --> 00:07:39.670 if I do it too much, I'd be stopped. And, well, 00:07:39.750 --> 00:07:41.269 you did stop me, I suppose. I did, yeah. Sit 00:07:41.269 --> 00:07:43.990 down. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Would you like 00:07:43.990 --> 00:07:48.310 some milk? No, I've got a pint. I'm okay. Well, 00:07:48.550 --> 00:07:51.310 this is okay. It's fine. It's fine. Do you bring 00:07:51.310 --> 00:07:52.970 your own milk to the pub? Of course I bring my 00:07:52.970 --> 00:07:54.870 own milk. I know Assumpta's skimming from 00:07:54.870 --> 00:07:57.730 the top. I bring my own milk. And now she shouted 00:07:57.730 --> 00:08:02.470 at me before. But I'm not taking hers. All right, 00:08:02.490 --> 00:08:05.970 fair enough. And I don't drink, so... You don't 00:08:05.970 --> 00:08:07.910 drink? Yeah. You came to the pub and you don't 00:08:07.910 --> 00:08:11.069 drink? Yeah. I'm allowed to do that. You can't 00:08:11.069 --> 00:08:12.769 stop me from not drinking. You're absolutely 00:08:12.769 --> 00:08:16.250 allowed. I come to the pub because I like drinking. 00:08:16.990 --> 00:08:18.449 That's all right. You're allowed to do that. 00:08:18.529 --> 00:08:19.769 So we're both here being allowed. We're both 00:08:19.769 --> 00:08:23.970 allowed to do things. I'm sorry. Did you say 00:08:23.970 --> 00:08:25.550 your name? My name's Gideon Hubble. Oh, okay. 00:08:25.730 --> 00:08:28.389 That's lovely to meet you. God, we're good at 00:08:28.389 --> 00:08:30.050 this, aren't we? I'm Clarry Postman, the milkman. 00:08:31.170 --> 00:08:36.190 It's nice to meet you. Thank you. Gideon. Gid-e-on. 00:08:37.090 --> 00:08:44.409 It's nice. Thank you. Oh. Sorry. Are any of you 00:08:44.409 --> 00:08:47.309 good at Sudoku? I am Clary Postman the Milkman. 00:08:47.870 --> 00:08:54.269 Okay, I'm Maddie. I have too many sevens. I have 00:08:54.269 --> 00:08:58.389 too many sevens. Is that allowed? No, you can only 00:08:58.389 --> 00:09:02.230 have one per line, one per box. You know Sudoku? 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.700 Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. You're having 00:09:06.700 --> 00:09:08.960 issues with Sudoku? I am. Are you a Sudoku man? 00:09:09.139 --> 00:09:12.940 Oh, yeah. Oh, amazing. Have a look at this. Okay. 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:15.700 Too many sevens, right? Yeah, absolutely. You've 00:09:15.700 --> 00:09:20.360 got 11 sevens. You're two over there. Yeah. Part 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:22.500 of my problem is I used a pen. I was just about 00:09:22.500 --> 00:09:25.259 to say that. You went straight for an intermediate 00:09:25.259 --> 00:09:27.419 and a pen. I mean, I appreciate the bravado. 00:09:27.539 --> 00:09:30.600 Yeah, I felt. You know, I had a good day. I thought, 00:09:30.700 --> 00:09:32.519 you know, I don't do the lottery. I'm not going 00:09:32.519 --> 00:09:34.019 to buy a lottery ticket. That's what they always 00:09:34.019 --> 00:09:36.980 say, you know? You shouldn't do the lottery? Like, 00:09:36.980 --> 00:09:39.799 a lot of luck. Don't do the lottery. It's gambling. 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:42.120 Yeah, exactly. So I was like, you know what? 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:45.679 I'm going to smash the Sudoku in pen. The lottery 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:51.179 is gambling? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I knew it was 00:09:51.179 --> 00:09:52.440 unlikely, but I thought it would come up eventually, 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:56.720 you know? Well, that's the aspect that makes 00:09:56.720 --> 00:09:59.159 it gambling. Well, I think the aspect that makes 00:09:59.159 --> 00:10:01.960 it gambling is the exchange of money. Yeah. In 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:04.159 the hope of other money. Yeah. The numbers will 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:07.720 come up at some point. Not guaranteed. They might. 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:09.899 If we do it for long enough. That's fair. That's 00:10:09.899 --> 00:10:11.159 fair. You know what? That's fair. That's fair. 00:10:11.179 --> 00:10:13.480 If we, as a society ,do the lottery for... Oh, 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:16.419 sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Dolan. I am Clarry Postman, 00:10:16.500 --> 00:10:18.340 the milkman. Oh, lovely to meet you. Oh, yeah. 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:20.639 You do the milk, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, I do 00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:22.379 the milk. Who do I talk to about, like, reducing 00:10:22.379 --> 00:10:24.519 the amount of milk? Reducing the amount of milk? 00:10:24.740 --> 00:10:28.480 There is a person, but I wouldn't talk to them. 00:10:28.860 --> 00:10:30.580 Okay, just for a month, you know, I need less. 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:36.120 I don't understand. So you want less dairy? For 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:39.100 a month? My wife's traveling, so right now I 00:10:39.100 --> 00:10:41.259 have too much milk. I can bring it to her. New 00:10:41.259 --> 00:10:44.639 Zealand? I could... send it to her. I can put it 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:47.600 in a nice little bag for her. I think she's quite 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:49.639 content with the milk over there. Oh, I wouldn't 00:10:49.639 --> 00:10:52.080 say so. Do you know that theirs comes from the 00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:53.659 lambs? There's so much lamb there, they have 00:10:53.659 --> 00:10:56.059 to use the lambs to make their milk. I did not 00:10:56.059 --> 00:10:58.580 know that, but... The lambs? The lambs. Not the 00:10:58.580 --> 00:11:01.159 ewes? No, because the ewes are making the lambs, 00:11:01.179 --> 00:11:04.399 you see. They're too busy. Right. You could make 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:07.100 those sevens into eights? That would be incorrect, 00:11:07.299 --> 00:11:10.879 but you could. Yeah, I mean, I can... Or a clumsy 00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:13.700 four. It's easy enough fixed, but... I already 00:11:13.700 --> 00:11:16.740 have too many eights here. And now I have three 00:11:16.740 --> 00:11:20.519 more eights. I mean, I appreciate you helping. 00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:22.740 Would you like me to guide you through one of 00:11:22.740 --> 00:11:28.100 the easier ones? I don't appreciate that tone, 00:11:28.179 --> 00:11:32.120 frankly. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:33.360 be condescending. I don't normally do the Sudokus 00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:35.700 in pen. I was just feeling lucky today. Do you 00:11:35.700 --> 00:11:37.279 want to borrow one of my pencils? Do you want 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:40.960 my milk? It can wipe out pen. Yeah, no, I... 00:11:41.819 --> 00:11:44.059 If you put enough of it, it just covers it. I 00:11:44.059 --> 00:11:48.120 was... Can I only... Can I just drink the milk? 00:11:48.200 --> 00:11:52.419 For a price, yeah. Oh. Thanks. Thanks for offering. 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:54.500 I'll pass. I'm sorry. I think we got off on the 00:11:54.500 --> 00:11:59.059 wrong foot. I'm Dolan. I'm Maddy. Maddy. Maddy, 00:11:59.059 --> 00:12:00.779 lovely to meet you. I'm Clarry Postman, the Milkman. 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:02.639 Clarry Postman? The Milkman? Postman, yeah. 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:07.279 Gideon Hubble. Oh, yes, sorry. It's lovely to 00:12:07.279 --> 00:12:09.080 meet you too. "Postman, the Milkman"? I just want 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:12.519 to say, I was at this table first. I apologise, 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:15.159 would you like me to move? No. You asked me to 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:19.139 sit down! Don't leave! Oh, thank you. I feel 00:12:19.139 --> 00:12:21.340 an instant rapport with you too. I feel uneasy 00:12:21.340 --> 00:12:23.700 about it, but I feel it. Can I be honest with 00:12:23.700 --> 00:12:27.240 you guys? Yeah. This is the longest I've talked 00:12:27.240 --> 00:12:29.200 with anyone who hasn't required my services 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:33.879 in weeks. You're telling me. You're telling me, 00:12:33.940 --> 00:12:36.580 buster. Oh, I talk to people all the time. They're 00:12:36.580 --> 00:12:38.840 great craic, people. They're lovely. What do you 00:12:38.840 --> 00:12:44.769 do? Printers. Just printers? Printers. You sell 00:12:44.769 --> 00:12:48.330 them? No fix. I'm on a lot of call outs. I'm 00:12:48.330 --> 00:12:50.769 on a lot of call outs. A lot of different things. 00:12:50.950 --> 00:12:52.929 I meet a lot of people, but they're only really interested 00:12:52.929 --> 00:12:56.009 in paper jams. My printer sometimes has these 00:12:56.009 --> 00:12:58.590 sort of patchy lines. Do you know what causes 00:12:58.590 --> 00:13:01.789 that? Is the paper fed in properly? I believe 00:13:01.789 --> 00:13:04.429 so. What does that mean? Well consult the manufacturer 00:13:04.429 --> 00:13:08.889 then. Okay. Sorry. Unless you're going to pay 00:13:08.889 --> 00:13:11.919 me. I mostly do offices, but... I don't do personal 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:14.720 call outs for printers. You're on your own there. 00:13:14.820 --> 00:13:17.580 Sorry, sorry. You know what, that's fair. I was 00:13:17.580 --> 00:13:20.759 rude about the Sudoku. I deserve this. Do you 00:13:20.759 --> 00:13:23.220 know anyone... and this might not be your area of expertise... 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:25.940 but the paper that goes in: do you know a way 00:13:25.940 --> 00:13:28.299 of sticking it to a car that's very, very cold? 00:13:28.460 --> 00:13:31.679 I have a refrigerated car that keeps condensing 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:37.799 the windows, and I keep trying to have my business 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:41.049 on it, but... They keep falling off. Sorry, do 00:13:41.049 --> 00:13:43.570 you want to paper mache your car? No, no, I want 00:13:43.570 --> 00:13:45.409 to have my business, you know, my milk stuff, 00:13:45.529 --> 00:13:47.330 all my numbers and stuff, on the side of my car. 00:13:47.509 --> 00:13:49.029 Because I had to get rid of the van, you see. 00:13:49.250 --> 00:13:51.389 So now I have a car for my milk. Why did you 00:13:51.389 --> 00:13:53.590 get rid of the van? Oh, well, it was easier to 00:13:53.590 --> 00:13:56.990 go around, you know, the country looking... uh, I don't 00:13:56.990 --> 00:14:02.190 want to talk about it. Hello, sorry, sorry 00:14:02.190 --> 00:14:04.470 Assumpta. Sorry I'm late. Look, you know, I 00:14:04.470 --> 00:14:05.909 was out, I was just, I was out dealing with a 00:14:05.909 --> 00:14:08.000 case. Very sorry, folks. I'll be with you in 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:11.480 a wee minute. God, no, no. There was, look, that 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:13.480 Banshee report we had, it was just some lad. 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:15.879 He was screaming his head off. Turns out he'd 00:14:15.879 --> 00:14:17.539 got a bad haircut, a wee perm job, and he was 00:14:17.539 --> 00:14:19.580 just screaming up a storm. And the people in 00:14:19.580 --> 00:14:21.340 the street were complaining about it. It's fine. 00:14:21.500 --> 00:14:23.940 I talked him down. We had a wee cup of tea. He's 00:14:23.940 --> 00:14:26.019 going to come to the pool tournament next week. 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:29.279 I signed him up. We're not having the pool tournament 00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:31.820 anymore. It's fine. I told him he can be Reds. 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:33.220 It's his lucky colour. It's fine. Don't worry 00:14:33.220 --> 00:14:36.769 about it. Anyway, folks, my name's Mervin. I'd 00:14:36.769 --> 00:14:38.210 like to thank you all for coming here today. 00:14:38.450 --> 00:14:40.509 You know, it's great to see some people with 00:14:40.509 --> 00:14:42.610 a wee bit of... Clarry Postman, the milkman. How 00:14:42.610 --> 00:14:44.409 are you? Well, you beat me in my first question. 00:14:44.409 --> 00:14:46.730 Very nice to meet you, Clarry. How are you? How 00:14:46.730 --> 00:14:49.490 are you, son? Mervin. Mervin. Yes, that's me. 00:14:49.570 --> 00:14:51.750 I'm good. How are you? Brilliant. Thank you. 00:14:51.809 --> 00:14:54.350 I'm very well. You know, I'm a bit wet, but I'm 00:14:54.350 --> 00:14:57.409 okay. And yourself, what's your name there? Maddie. 00:14:57.529 --> 00:15:00.389 Maddie. Okay. Lovely to meet you, Maddie. And we've 00:15:00.389 --> 00:15:03.779 got... Dolan. Dolan. Brilliant. Lovely name. 00:15:03.899 --> 00:15:05.899 Interesting name. I like that. And yourself? 00:15:06.299 --> 00:15:09.159 Gideon Hubble. Gideon Hubble? Hubble? That's 00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:11.360 a strange surname. I don't want to talk about 00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:14.039 it. Oh, okay. Well, I think there's a story there. 00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:18.299 All right. Anyway, I see you've responded to 00:15:18.299 --> 00:15:21.139 our flyer then. You must all be interested in, 00:15:21.159 --> 00:15:24.279 you know, what we do here at the OSNA. Yeah, 00:15:24.360 --> 00:15:27.460 for sure. Now, one of the things I like to do, 00:15:27.500 --> 00:15:30.279 I like to get a little bit of a pulse on, you 00:15:30.279 --> 00:15:33.179 know, why our recruits are coming? Is there 00:15:33.179 --> 00:15:35.220 anything, you know, what, Clarry, what brought 00:15:35.220 --> 00:15:38.700 you here? Well, can I show you a little photo? 00:15:39.259 --> 00:15:41.200 I'd love to see a photo. I love looking at photos. 00:15:41.500 --> 00:15:43.159 All right, well, this is a lovely photo. Have 00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:47.019 you, just, have you seen this boy? Um, no, I 00:15:47.019 --> 00:15:49.240 haven't seen that boy. Who's that, who would 00:15:49.240 --> 00:15:52.620 this be now? Oh, I didn't really, it's my, it's 00:15:52.620 --> 00:15:55.679 my son. Oh. Have we, oh, have any of you seen 00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:58.399 this boy? I'm sorry, are you missing your child? 00:16:01.069 --> 00:16:03.809 Yes. I'm very sorry to hear this. Sorry, that's 00:16:03.809 --> 00:16:07.490 awful. But something took him and... So none 00:16:07.490 --> 00:16:09.169 of you have seen him? No, I haven't seen him. 00:16:09.309 --> 00:16:12.570 No one ever sees him. He's been kidnapped? Potentially. 00:16:12.590 --> 00:16:15.470 You know, something took him and it was bright 00:16:15.470 --> 00:16:17.409 and it was flashing and there was stuff going 00:16:17.409 --> 00:16:20.210 on and I felt like it was otherworldly, you know? 00:16:20.230 --> 00:16:21.870 I was out in a forest. I mean, it sounds like 00:16:21.870 --> 00:16:24.610 a printer to me, but... No, there was no electronics 00:16:24.610 --> 00:16:27.110 in sight. I was in a forest, you see. No, it's 00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:28.950 that kind of curious mind that we need here. 00:16:29.450 --> 00:16:31.549 Yeah, I was thinking that maybe you should know 00:16:31.549 --> 00:16:34.629 something. So if I can scratch your back, maybe 00:16:34.629 --> 00:16:36.929 you can scratch my boy's back. And in doing so, 00:16:36.970 --> 00:16:39.230 you'd find him. If you want, I can take it into 00:16:39.230 --> 00:16:41.570 work and put that photo up beside the eye chart. 00:16:41.870 --> 00:16:44.330 That would be amazing. Yeah. Oh, that would be 00:16:44.330 --> 00:16:46.149 so good. A little addendum at the end. Have you 00:16:46.149 --> 00:16:47.769 seen the child? Have you seen the child? Yeah, 00:16:47.850 --> 00:16:49.809 that's nice. Sorry, Gideon. What if their eyesight 00:16:49.809 --> 00:16:51.690 isn't good enough to see the child? If they find 00:16:51.690 --> 00:16:53.529 a blurry version of my son, that's better than 00:16:53.529 --> 00:16:57.889 none. You know? Yeah. Yeah. That's a very good 00:16:57.889 --> 00:17:01.309 point, but he seems fine with it. Okay, no, I... 00:17:01.309 --> 00:17:02.570 I'm going to ask him in his browser. None of 00:17:02.570 --> 00:17:04.650 yous have seen the good version of him. Well, 00:17:04.670 --> 00:17:07.170 not that he's a bad boy. He's a good boy. Leave 00:17:07.170 --> 00:17:09.849 him alone. I want to find him. What's your son's 00:17:09.849 --> 00:17:13.980 name? Clarry Jr. Clarry Jr. Yeah, Clarry Jr. He 00:17:13.980 --> 00:17:16.539 goes by CJ, but I'm trying to get it in my head, 00:17:16.660 --> 00:17:19.240 you know. He goes by CJ. He doesn't like Clarry 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:21.400 as a name. Well, his full name's Clarence, you 00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:24.200 know, after me, after his me. I was going to ask, 00:17:24.440 --> 00:17:26.299 because Clarry's an interesting name. You know, 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:29.140 it's four interesting names around this wee table 00:17:29.140 --> 00:17:31.339 here, I'll be honest. I was going to say Postman's 00:17:31.339 --> 00:17:34.220 an interesting name. It is, yeah. Did you come 00:17:34.220 --> 00:17:36.660 from a family of Postmans? Years and years ago, 00:17:36.740 --> 00:17:38.700 but they got thrown out of the town that they 00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:42.460 were in, so I don't... You kept the name. I kept 00:17:42.460 --> 00:17:43.720 the name. Well, I have to keep my name. It's 00:17:43.720 --> 00:17:45.880 my name. That's what I keep telling my boy. Don't 00:17:45.880 --> 00:17:48.299 change to CJ. But he doesn't like Clarence or 00:17:48.299 --> 00:17:51.119 Clarry, so we made an addendum to that. Well, 00:17:51.140 --> 00:17:53.579 look, we'll add Clarry Jr. to the board. Thank 00:17:53.579 --> 00:17:54.500 you very much. But there's a long list of things 00:17:54.500 --> 00:17:56.240 we've got to be taking care of. No, I understand. 00:17:56.259 --> 00:17:58.740 But this sounds serious. Something. Write up 00:17:58.740 --> 00:18:01.900 his name. Clarry Jr. And then in brackets, CJ. 00:18:02.619 --> 00:18:04.539 Can I write my name as well, because I think 00:18:04.539 --> 00:18:07.200 that's quite interesting? Yes, no, you can put 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:08.980 that on the list of interesting names. This is 00:18:08.980 --> 00:18:11.900 on potential cases. Copy that, Mervin. Thank 00:18:11.900 --> 00:18:14.339 you, Assumpta. Gideon, what brings yourself here? 00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:21.319 Well, it's a bit odd, really. In the course of 00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:24.099 my day-to-day work, I've started noticing spooky 00:18:24.099 --> 00:18:27.319 things. Or, not so much spooky things, wonderful 00:18:27.319 --> 00:18:30.039 things initially. Seeing things in people's eyes 00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:34.910 I've never seen before. Wow. But, um... Well... 00:18:34.910 --> 00:18:40.069 There was a woman who came in. About 52. Eyes 00:18:40.069 --> 00:18:42.109 in relatively good health. I always say, do you 00:18:42.109 --> 00:18:43.349 want to pay a bit extra so I can have a look 00:18:43.349 --> 00:18:46.650 in there? She goes, "yes." I look around. Not I 00:18:46.650 --> 00:18:48.670 look around. It's not like a room. In her eyes? 00:18:49.029 --> 00:18:50.269 I look in her eyes with the machine. Well, they're 00:18:50.269 --> 00:18:51.890 the window to the soul. The window to the soul. 00:18:51.890 --> 00:18:53.470 Well, that's... There's a lot in there. Yeah. 00:18:54.410 --> 00:18:59.190 More than you'd think. I saw a man buying bananas. 00:18:59.829 --> 00:19:02.390 In her eyes? Yeah, it was like a vision. There 00:19:02.390 --> 00:19:04.369 wasn't a guy in there. Oh, wow. Otherwise I'd 00:19:04.369 --> 00:19:06.869 refer her to A&E immediately. But it was a vision. 00:19:07.910 --> 00:19:10.430 Oh. It's a very mundane vision. Well, hold on 00:19:10.430 --> 00:19:13.509 a second. Oh. There's more to the vision? That 00:19:13.509 --> 00:19:16.730 evening I went to Asda, I saw the very same man 00:19:16.730 --> 00:19:21.210 buying bananas. No! But it was swiftly followed 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:24.089 by him being bitten by a black widow spider 00:19:24.089 --> 00:19:26.549 that was hiding in the bananas. He died there 00:19:26.549 --> 00:19:28.869 in front of me. And ever since then, anything 00:19:28.869 --> 00:19:32.029 I see in an eye is preceded or rather succeeded... 00:19:32.029 --> 00:19:34.589 By a spider? No, not by a spider. But it could 00:19:34.589 --> 00:19:36.490 be a spider because it's always fucking horrible. 00:19:37.130 --> 00:19:38.950 And I want to get to the bottom of these horrible 00:19:38.950 --> 00:19:43.269 clairvoyant powers that I find myself unwillingly... 00:19:43.269 --> 00:19:45.990 That must be tough to do your job if you might 00:19:45.990 --> 00:19:47.650 see a vision the whole time. Well, the visions 00:19:47.650 --> 00:19:50.089 are always pretty chill. It's only later on that 00:19:50.089 --> 00:19:51.970 they become horrible. So you don't see the black 00:19:51.970 --> 00:19:54.170 widow spider jumping at him? No, I didn't see 00:19:54.170 --> 00:19:56.390 that bit. You just see the nice bit? I just see 00:19:56.390 --> 00:19:58.049 the nice bit, yeah. How close do you need to 00:19:58.049 --> 00:20:00.470 be looking in their eyes? Like, you know, I'm 00:20:00.470 --> 00:20:02.890 a good six, seven feet away from you. Are you 00:20:02.890 --> 00:20:05.230 going to tell me how I'm going to die? Or do 00:20:05.230 --> 00:20:07.190 you need to use your wee head thing that you 00:20:07.190 --> 00:20:08.849 put in front of your face? Well, it's only ever 00:20:08.849 --> 00:20:10.069 happened with the head thing, but it seems to 00:20:10.069 --> 00:20:12.569 be getting stronger is the thing. Now, Mervin, 00:20:12.569 --> 00:20:14.730 he did say that he doesn't see the death bits. 00:20:14.809 --> 00:20:16.819 He would just see a nice vision of you. Doing 00:20:16.819 --> 00:20:18.240 something. But I can tell you when something 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:20.079 bad's going to happen. Wait, are you like a banshee 00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:26.099 then? A man-shee? Oh. Well, I don't... A herald 00:20:26.099 --> 00:20:28.619 of death? I'm relatively new to banshees or man 00:20:28.619 --> 00:20:30.599 -shees, so I couldn't really tell you how similar 00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.259 I am. But I can tell you when... There's a man 00:20:32.259 --> 00:20:34.119 down the street that's a banshee, isn't there? 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:35.759 Isn't that what you said? No, no, it was just 00:20:35.759 --> 00:20:37.259 a fellow with a perm and he was a bit upset. 00:20:37.559 --> 00:20:40.799 Bit of a banshee? It was a bad, just a wee bad 00:20:40.799 --> 00:20:43.559 do. Oh, right. Well, I might see that bad do 00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:45.680 and then... You know, in real life, I'd see that 00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:47.839 bad do crushed by falling masonry. Oh, no. 00:20:47.980 --> 00:20:50.299 It's affecting my mental health! I can imagine. 00:20:50.339 --> 00:20:52.720 Well, look, you're in the right place. The pub. We provide 00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:56.339 answers. And the pub, yes. You know, enjoy the 00:20:56.339 --> 00:20:57.880 Guinness. Thank you. We just cleaned the pipes. 00:20:58.980 --> 00:21:02.640 That will explain the lemon. Maddie Yeah? You 00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:05.220 know all that tech stuff. You know, why aren't 00:21:05.220 --> 00:21:07.519 you, you know, off doing computers or whatnot? 00:21:08.059 --> 00:21:11.059 Why are you here? Well, when you put it like 00:21:11.059 --> 00:21:16.279 that, I... Listen, I... Was in university. The 00:21:16.279 --> 00:21:19.579 internet started getting kicked about. I was 00:21:19.579 --> 00:21:21.460 hanging around with the people who, you know, 00:21:21.460 --> 00:21:24.940 were into that. And I've gleaned a little bit. 00:21:25.059 --> 00:21:26.559 You know, I've gleaned a little bit from the 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:31.539 people I've known. But printers are kind of fine. 00:21:31.920 --> 00:21:35.519 I like being my own boss. You know, I like the 00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:37.900 independence that it gives for me. I get that. 00:21:38.259 --> 00:21:44.339 Yeah. And it's very social. In a very specific 00:21:44.339 --> 00:21:48.480 way. And I like that. You know, I like getting 00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:51.680 to meet a lot of people very briefly. In and 00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:54.200 out of their lives. Well, yeah, exactly. And 00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:57.359 I don't know if I'm sort of using that in parallel 00:21:57.359 --> 00:22:01.539 to how I date people as well. Because I've dated 00:22:01.539 --> 00:22:04.819 a lot of people. And it goes great. They're not 00:22:04.819 --> 00:22:07.619 bad relationships. They're interesting people. 00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:12.460 Their families love me. And then... I just kind 00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:13.960 of get focused on something else and then it 00:22:13.960 --> 00:22:18.259 kind of just goes. I don't know. I've been with 00:22:18.259 --> 00:22:21.440 people who have interesting hobbies and I always 00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:24.140 felt like maybe I'm just getting my hobbies through 00:22:24.140 --> 00:22:27.259 them rather than having my own thing. And I like 00:22:27.259 --> 00:22:30.099 puzzles. You know, I like a Sudoku. I don't always 00:22:30.099 --> 00:22:33.099 use pen. But this sounded like pretty puzzly 00:22:33.099 --> 00:22:37.319 to me. So I thought I'd, you know, turn up Sudoku 00:22:37.319 --> 00:22:40.079 literally in back pocket in case, you know, it 00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:43.289 felt a bit. or the people who came were strange 00:22:43.289 --> 00:22:48.150 and... Well, we deal with the ultimate puzzles, 00:22:48.349 --> 00:22:51.470 you know? Yeah. The true mysteries of life. I 00:22:51.470 --> 00:22:54.869 just want to dip my toe in a little bit to something 00:22:54.869 --> 00:22:57.789 that I can be like, oh, yeah, I do this, rather 00:22:57.789 --> 00:23:03.549 than, like, coding or jigsaws, crochet. We do 00:23:03.549 --> 00:23:07.009 have do a jigsaw night. Oh, okay. Yes, every fourth 00:23:07.009 --> 00:23:12.180 Sunday. How many pieces? You bring your own jigsaw 00:23:12.180 --> 00:23:13.420 and then you swap with the person at the table 00:23:13.420 --> 00:23:16.180 next to you. Oh, that's really nice. This is 00:23:16.180 --> 00:23:17.819 the kind of thing I want. I want to be a little 00:23:17.819 --> 00:23:19.799 more social with people who I wouldn't necessarily 00:23:19.799 --> 00:23:23.039 otherwise meet through my job or through my dating 00:23:23.039 --> 00:23:26.299 life. I just want to do more stuff for me, I 00:23:26.299 --> 00:23:29.000 think. Well, I can respect that. And, you know, 00:23:29.099 --> 00:23:31.240 we appreciate that, you know, you've got that 00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:32.980 go-getter attitude. You're putting yourself 00:23:32.980 --> 00:23:34.720 out there. That's the kind of person we need. 00:23:34.920 --> 00:23:37.720 Sending you up? Yeah. Well, we'll see. Yeah. 00:23:38.360 --> 00:23:40.980 You know, it's a rigorous process here. It's 00:23:40.980 --> 00:23:44.480 an easy job. We're not in. It's fine. Well, we'll 00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:46.859 get to that. We've got one more fella here. There, 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:51.819 Dolan. Yeah, Dolan. What brings you? Well, to 00:23:51.819 --> 00:23:54.200 be quite honest, I've been sitting around the 00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:56.640 house just quite a lot and I thought, go for 00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:59.200 a walk. Just saw outside there and thought, 00:23:59.279 --> 00:24:03.220 oh, I'll put my head in, have a wee look. So, 00:24:03.339 --> 00:24:04.960 yeah, I didn't really know what any of this was 00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:07.859 about, but... I don't know if this is anything, 00:24:08.099 --> 00:24:10.720 but I'm a property surveyor, so, you know, I 00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:12.720 go around buildings. I sort of sometimes take 00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:17.000 measurements, look at things, and this might 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:18.960 be of interest to you. The other day, I was sort 00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:21.079 of, I had one of those, like, have you seen, 00:24:21.079 --> 00:24:22.240 like, those electronic tape measures, like a 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.940 laser thing? Aye, the wee red blinky boys. Yeah, 00:24:24.940 --> 00:24:28.079 they're just lifesavers. But I was measuring 00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:30.160 a wall, right, and it sort of said three meters 00:24:30.160 --> 00:24:33.059 away, and given a second measurement, 3 .1 meters. 00:24:33.420 --> 00:24:35.960 I thought, oh. But the wall can't just move?! 00:24:36.259 --> 00:24:38.119 And every time I took a measurement, it kept 00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:40.880 moving further and further away, despite the 00:24:40.880 --> 00:24:44.019 fact it was still there. And then I walked over 00:24:44.019 --> 00:24:47.519 to it and gave it a wee tap. And every time I 00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:48.900 tapped it, it seemed like it was getting thicker 00:24:48.900 --> 00:24:52.680 and thicker. So that just seemed a bit odd. I 00:24:52.680 --> 00:24:53.859 just thought that might be of interest to you. 00:24:54.339 --> 00:24:57.579 That's oddly upsetting, that there's some sort 00:24:57.579 --> 00:24:59.900 of haunted wall that just moves around of its 00:24:59.900 --> 00:25:03.099 own accord. Well, it wasn't moving. There was an 00:25:03.099 --> 00:25:05.140 adjacent room, so I looked inside the wall, the 00:25:05.140 --> 00:25:07.339 same as it was. Does your clicker work just normally 00:25:07.339 --> 00:25:08.539 on any other wall? It worked on all the other 00:25:08.539 --> 00:25:10.019 walls. So it's just this one wall? Yeah, yeah. 00:25:10.740 --> 00:25:15.240 That is strange. Yeah, no, I mean, I did talk 00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:16.599 to people about it, and I just thought I was 00:25:16.599 --> 00:25:19.539 tired, you know. Oh. But it seemed like it would 00:25:19.539 --> 00:25:22.640 be of interest to you guys. Well, you know, if 00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:25.720 all this goes well today, we might be investigating 00:25:25.720 --> 00:25:27.359 this weird wall or having a wee look at your 00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:29.420 laser. Do you need to put that up on the wall? 00:25:29.849 --> 00:25:31.349 Actually, no, don't put it up on the wall. Let's 00:25:31.349 --> 00:25:33.470 focus on my son, please. Yeah, I mean, also, 00:25:33.730 --> 00:25:35.250 like, the property's been sold now. There's an 00:25:35.250 --> 00:25:36.910 office in there, so, you know, you'd be very 00:25:36.910 --> 00:25:40.329 disruptive. I mean, if the office has a printer, 00:25:40.490 --> 00:25:42.849 like, that's easy access. That's not a problem 00:25:42.849 --> 00:25:45.769 for us. Can you just access any printer you wish? 00:25:46.230 --> 00:25:47.829 I assumed they would need to request it. Oh, 00:25:47.829 --> 00:25:51.809 like, general maintenance, yeah. So, what, it's 00:25:51.809 --> 00:25:53.430 just like a warrant? You can just enter any building 00:25:53.430 --> 00:25:56.029 with a printer? Yeah, honestly, yeah. Honestly, 00:25:56.089 --> 00:25:58.289 that would be quite useful in our line of work 00:25:58.289 --> 00:26:01.109 here. I mean, I question the validity of that. 00:26:01.250 --> 00:26:05.289 Do you get a badge? I mean, I have my own ID 00:26:05.289 --> 00:26:10.130 stuff. But people don't really give printer guy 00:26:10.130 --> 00:26:13.309 a second thought. That's rude. Can you make fake 00:26:13.309 --> 00:26:19.829 IDs? I've potentially dabbled in that. There's 00:26:19.829 --> 00:26:21.799 a safe space here, don't worry. Oh, yeah, yeah, 00:26:21.839 --> 00:26:23.000 yeah, yeah. That's fine. Oh, yeah, fantastic. 00:26:23.299 --> 00:26:26.579 Could you do one for me ten years younger? Why 00:26:26.579 --> 00:26:30.200 or something? So I can get into the over 60's 00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:33.160 disco. But you are over 60? Yes, but there's 00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:35.480 a clear cut-off between 60 and 70. There's the 00:26:35.480 --> 00:26:37.680 over 70's disco, but Michael goes there and he's 00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:40.480 a prick. Got you. Get me into the young one. 00:26:40.799 --> 00:26:43.519 Give me a photo and I'll get that sorted. Use 00:26:43.519 --> 00:26:47.880 the one of the boy. Honestly, yeah. Honestly, 00:26:48.079 --> 00:26:50.039 yeah. Get his face out there, because if anyone 00:26:50.039 --> 00:26:52.279 looks at him and notices, well, that's not a 00:26:52.279 --> 00:26:57.039 59-year-old woman? Thank you. You're hoping 00:26:57.039 --> 00:26:59.119 that the bouncer will look at it and go, well, 00:26:59.160 --> 00:27:01.119 sure, you're already in there. Yeah, and then 00:27:01.119 --> 00:27:04.140 if people have seen my son around anywhere, like 00:27:04.140 --> 00:27:05.759 I want his picture-- That's why I was thinking 00:27:05.759 --> 00:27:07.819 those jigsaws could make one of the picture of 00:27:07.819 --> 00:27:10.019 him. People see his face. Look, I just want to 00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:11.480 find my boy, and I think that's very reasonable 00:27:11.480 --> 00:27:13.559 to put his picture everywhere I can. They've 00:27:13.559 --> 00:27:16.119 given up the search. Oh. Yeah, they searched 00:27:16.119 --> 00:27:20.519 for three weeks. Yeah, that is not long at all. 00:27:20.740 --> 00:27:23.660 No, it's not. But it's been two years. Don't 00:27:23.660 --> 00:27:25.220 let that beat you. Don't let that put you down. 00:27:25.339 --> 00:27:27.980 You think I'm going to stop? I'll never stop. 00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:31.799 I can tell you won't. No. But, anyway, I'm going 00:27:31.799 --> 00:27:33.740 to have to move things along here. That's all 00:27:33.740 --> 00:27:36.039 right. You tear away. But if all goes well here, 00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:38.740 we could be putting the entire forces of the 00:27:38.740 --> 00:27:40.839 OSNA behind the search for your boy. That would 00:27:40.839 --> 00:27:43.400 be... That would be everything. Right. Now, the 00:27:43.400 --> 00:27:46.299 OSNA itself... Now, this is the local chapter 00:27:46.299 --> 00:27:50.940 here. What we do is we basically, we're the last 00:27:50.940 --> 00:27:52.940 line of defence against ghosts and ghouls and 00:27:52.940 --> 00:27:54.900 goblins and, you know, sort of weird stuff like 00:27:54.900 --> 00:27:58.819 that. Assumpta here calls all the shots. There 00:27:58.819 --> 00:28:01.180 she is. Now, she also runs this place. It's a 00:28:01.180 --> 00:28:04.039 tough job. It is. It is. People do drink here. 00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:05.960 They treat it like a normal pub. But then, of 00:28:05.960 --> 00:28:07.839 course, there is the ghosts and so forth. Now, 00:28:07.859 --> 00:28:09.160 I haven't been out in the field in a long time. 00:28:09.259 --> 00:28:10.519 I've not been out in the field in a long time. 00:28:10.539 --> 00:28:12.160 I've no intention of going back out there. That's 00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:14.420 why you folks are here. To help Mervin here. 00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:17.140 That's it. So, what we're thinking is, we've 00:28:17.140 --> 00:28:19.700 got a wee trial run. Now, we've got some folks 00:28:19.700 --> 00:28:21.440 here who, they scour the newspapers and they look 00:28:21.440 --> 00:28:23.079 for something that might be a wee bit fishy. 00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:26.740 A wee bit weird. Now, this one, I think it's 00:28:26.740 --> 00:28:29.039 probably nothing. Which one are you giving them? 00:28:29.460 --> 00:28:33.190 The turnip one. The turnips? Aye. Well, that's 00:28:33.190 --> 00:28:35.329 probably safe enough to be fair. It can't be 00:28:35.329 --> 00:28:38.069 anything too strange. Well, look, so we found 00:28:38.069 --> 00:28:40.430 this. It's in a wee local paper. Not local to 00:28:40.430 --> 00:28:43.009 here, mind you, right? So I'll read it out to 00:28:43.009 --> 00:28:47.289 you anyway. Local turnip feud continues. Word 00:28:47.289 --> 00:28:49.650 around town is that the Lenihan and McAnally 00:28:49.650 --> 00:28:52.769 feud has been heating up. The scandal? Francis 00:28:52.769 --> 00:28:54.730 claims that Decky secretly crossed the boundary 00:28:54.730 --> 00:28:57.349 line late last Friday night and tilled his field, 00:28:57.589 --> 00:29:00.619 leaving his precious turnip crop, quote, "churned 00:29:00.619 --> 00:29:03.960 like bad butter". "I know the look of McAnally's 00:29:03.960 --> 00:29:06.819 horse tracks," Francis is quoted as saying. "Big 00:29:06.819 --> 00:29:09.720 wide stance on that thing. Cocky turns and no 00:29:09.720 --> 00:29:13.119 respect for rows". Decky, of course, has his 00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:15.140 own thoughts on what's going on: "Maybe the real 00:29:15.140 --> 00:29:17.240 problem is that those turnips couldn't handle 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:20.559 a bit of wind," he says. So, I don't know what's 00:29:20.559 --> 00:29:23.960 going on there. Those two are written up in that 00:29:23.960 --> 00:29:27.019 paper constantly, but, you know, one man can't 00:29:27.019 --> 00:29:28.839 till a whole field overnight without anyone hearing. 00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:31.180 So something might be going on, and we thought 00:29:31.180 --> 00:29:33.359 we'd send you out into the field, quite literally, 00:29:33.500 --> 00:29:36.119 to just have a wee look around, make sure everything's 00:29:36.119 --> 00:29:38.220 on the up and up, and then report back to us. 00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.240 Are yous interested in that now? It's a wee field 00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:43.839 day. We'll pay for your petrol. Oh, okay. We'll 00:29:43.839 --> 00:29:46.559 do what? I was going to ask about that. We'll 00:29:46.559 --> 00:29:47.599 talk about it later Assumpta. It's fine. 00:29:47.980 --> 00:29:53.079 I have a car. Can I just check? So we don't think 00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:57.119 that... We do think that something... Suspicious 00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:01.799 is happening? Like, what is our...? Basically, 00:30:01.799 --> 00:30:04.339 we just want you to make a few wee notes. We check 00:30:04.339 --> 00:30:07.299 everything. We check absolutely everything. And 00:30:07.299 --> 00:30:09.960 nine times out of ten, it's nothing. But that 00:30:09.960 --> 00:30:11.920 other time, it could be, you know, some sort 00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:14.460 of ghost. But even if it is nothing? Yes. Are 00:30:14.460 --> 00:30:17.259 we getting in? Potentially, potentially, potentially. 00:30:17.539 --> 00:30:18.259 I just want to know what I'm working with. If 00:30:18.259 --> 00:30:21.519 you file a thorough report, and we know, we can 00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:24.180 see, you know, they've got the goods, then... 00:30:24.640 --> 00:30:27.599 You're in. We give evidence of lack of evidence. 00:30:27.700 --> 00:30:31.480 I get it, Sir. Reports. that's no problem. Sorry, 00:30:32.200 --> 00:30:36.180 you said safe enough? Aye. Well, you know, it's 00:30:36.180 --> 00:30:38.279 a dangerous job fighting goblins and ghouls and 00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:41.720 all that. So you've got to be ready. But I don't 00:30:41.720 --> 00:30:43.960 think anything's going to happen. You'll be fine. 00:30:44.019 --> 00:30:47.119 But sometimes people aren't. I'd rather not kick 00:30:47.119 --> 00:30:49.940 a weak creature that's hobbling around. Like 00:30:49.940 --> 00:30:52.299 a robot turnip or something like that? A robot 00:30:52.299 --> 00:30:54.279 turnip? I wouldn't know about that. Well, they're 00:30:54.279 --> 00:30:56.339 getting all these robots, these newfangled things 00:30:56.339 --> 00:30:57.980 these days. They keep talking about them in, 00:30:57.980 --> 00:31:00.480 like, in stuff. And I don't know, so maybe these 00:31:00.480 --> 00:31:04.079 turnips are robots or something. Just a thought. 00:31:04.420 --> 00:31:07.160 They might be, but, like, by the sounds of these 00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:08.799 two fellas, I don't know if they'd know much 00:31:08.799 --> 00:31:11.039 about thon Robotics. It was just a general thought. 00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:13.279 It wasn't, like, my final... I wasn't going to 00:31:13.279 --> 00:31:16.390 put that in a report, you know. I'm not just 00:31:16.390 --> 00:31:18.150 going to put my first assumption. Don't get the 00:31:18.150 --> 00:31:20.029 wrong idea of me. I won't just put my first assumption 00:31:20.029 --> 00:31:21.569 down in the report. We'll do the report together. 00:31:21.569 --> 00:31:23.470 No, the report's not going to be the robot turnips, 00:31:23.470 --> 00:31:25.589 unless it turns out to be the robot turnips. 00:31:25.650 --> 00:31:27.710 And then it was like, holy f$ck, what a pull. 00:31:28.589 --> 00:31:31.410 We'll keep open minds. Clarry, take a deep breath. 00:31:33.569 --> 00:31:38.400 Have a sip of your milk. Is it cold? This is, 00:31:38.420 --> 00:31:40.519 yeah, this is my own milk. I'm sorry, Assumpta. 00:31:40.660 --> 00:31:42.980 God damn it, Clarry. Assumpta, you skim from the 00:31:42.980 --> 00:31:44.420 top and you know it. I don't even know if yours 00:31:44.420 --> 00:31:47.400 is pasteurized. It certainly is not pasteurized. 00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:50.440 What? You didn't unpasteurize milk. I always 00:31:50.440 --> 00:31:52.079 have, always will. What if someone gets sick? 00:31:52.440 --> 00:31:55.559 Fuck 'em. See, this is what I'm saying. This 00:31:55.559 --> 00:31:56.619 is what I'm saying. I'm going to keep bringing 00:31:56.619 --> 00:31:58.200 them on and I'm sorry about that, but this, I 00:31:58.200 --> 00:32:00.059 just know what I need and know what I want. And 00:32:00.059 --> 00:32:02.420 yes, it is cold. Do many people order milk in 00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:05.019 the pub? They do white Russians from time to 00:32:05.019 --> 00:32:07.259 time. All right, fair enough. Cup of tea? No. 00:32:07.339 --> 00:32:11.519 When there's children in? Sorry. No. There's 00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:14.240 a big sign outside that says no kids. Okay. And 00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:17.619 that is final. Oh, the one above the cow? Yes. 00:32:17.759 --> 00:32:19.700 Well, we do have a wee bit of a tradition with 00:32:19.700 --> 00:32:23.819 new recruits. So I believe you all received a 00:32:23.819 --> 00:32:26.660 wee letter. We posted it out to everyone. We 00:32:26.660 --> 00:32:29.880 have an oath. So we'll do it in the round. So 00:32:29.880 --> 00:32:33.359 I'll start us off with the first line. And then 00:32:33.359 --> 00:32:36.900 we'll just go round and we'll say the OSNA oath. 00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:40.480 Oh, absolutely, yeah. You start it and I'll finish 00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:48.420 it. Perfect. I hereby solemnly declare. I hereby 00:32:48.420 --> 00:32:52.900 solemnly declare. It's the next line, Clarry, 00:32:52.960 --> 00:32:57.539 you idiot. Why? I'll do line one. And then you 00:32:57.539 --> 00:32:59.420 can do line two. And then we'll have Maddie on 00:32:59.420 --> 00:33:02.910 line three, Dolan on line four. Gideon line 00:33:02.910 --> 00:33:05.170 five and then Assumpta to bring up the closer. 00:33:05.329 --> 00:33:06.849 Like a talk show. Oh, it is printed here three 00:33:06.849 --> 00:33:08.769 times, though. I thought that was intentional. 00:33:09.009 --> 00:33:12.670 Oh, well. I solemnly swear. It's printers for 00:33:12.670 --> 00:33:14.289 you. Yeah, that's a wee fault in the printer, 00:33:14.349 --> 00:33:16.190 so we should probably get Maddie in 00:33:16.190 --> 00:33:19.019 to fix that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she won't work 00:33:19.019 --> 00:33:20.779 for free, though. Thank you very much. You're 00:33:20.779 --> 00:33:23.480 welcome. I'm glad we're getting along better 00:33:23.480 --> 00:33:25.640 now. I thought we were all doing one of those 00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:28.900 things like judges, where you say the words like 00:33:28.900 --> 00:33:31.519 an army. To be honest, that's on me. I don't 00:33:31.519 --> 00:33:33.460 think I explained it well enough. I understood 00:33:33.460 --> 00:33:36.759 it. I don't know about everyone else. And this 00:33:36.759 --> 00:33:39.140 isn't, like, I don't go with my first assumption 00:33:39.140 --> 00:33:42.339 every time, I swear. Like, that was just... Stop 00:33:42.339 --> 00:33:46.500 saying my name wrong. Ah, come on, Assumpta, this 00:33:46.500 --> 00:33:49.180 isn't fair. I feel like I'm being ganged up on. 00:33:49.240 --> 00:33:52.980 Clarry, take a breath. Big breath, Clarry. I can't 00:33:52.980 --> 00:33:54.299 keep... Well, yeah, I'll drink some more. Mervin, 00:33:54.339 --> 00:33:59.319 let's do this. We'll try it again. I hereby solemnly 00:33:59.319 --> 00:34:05.900 swear... To stop everything I see or hear... 00:34:05.900 --> 00:34:11.699 Unless, circumstantially, I shouldn't stop it 00:34:11.699 --> 00:34:16.940 and instead look to further... In which case, 00:34:17.019 --> 00:34:21.659 I will prevent with extreme prejudice and, of 00:34:21.659 --> 00:34:26.800 course, an improvised weapon. That which should 00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:33.199 not exist within this plane. Amen. Amen. Amen. 00:34:34.900 --> 00:34:37.000 It was a wee bit different than the last time 00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:40.059 I did it, but fair enough. Right. So, we've got 00:34:40.059 --> 00:34:43.039 one last question. It's the most important question 00:34:43.039 --> 00:34:46.880 of all before you go out. Do any of yous drive? 00:34:47.420 --> 00:34:53.519 Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah, I've had about 15 % of a 00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:55.760 Guinness, but I should still be good. Okay, you 00:34:55.760 --> 00:34:57.480 don't need to go right now, don't worry. I'm 00:34:57.480 --> 00:34:58.760 ready to go. You all got your own cars then? 00:34:59.039 --> 00:35:01.900 I have a car and I can take one person. I ride 00:35:01.900 --> 00:35:04.619 a bicycle. If you want a lift, I can give you 00:35:04.619 --> 00:35:11.559 a lift. You're asking me to shotgun? I mean, 00:35:11.559 --> 00:35:15.000 it's only two of us. Yeah. Yes. You can read 00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:18.480 the map. I'll be driving my car regardless if 00:35:18.480 --> 00:35:22.199 anyone gets in with me because it's refrigerated 00:35:22.199 --> 00:35:24.940 to keep my milk warm. Is that not cold? Sorry, 00:35:24.940 --> 00:35:27.320 to keep it cold. It's refrigerated to keep my 00:35:27.320 --> 00:35:30.519 milk cold. How do you refrigerate a regular car? 00:35:30.900 --> 00:35:33.199 Oh, I've rigged the whole thing up. It's fully, 00:35:33.260 --> 00:35:35.920 it's fully cooled. It's fully, fully refrigerated 00:35:35.920 --> 00:35:37.360 because, you know, I had to get rid of my van 00:35:37.360 --> 00:35:39.079 because it's easier to get around the country 00:35:39.079 --> 00:35:41.920 with a car. There was something else. You didn't 00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:44.969 want to talk about it. It was my son! Oh. Yeah. 00:35:45.829 --> 00:35:47.530 But then I figured I should probably show you. 00:35:47.610 --> 00:35:49.510 It's tough for me to talk about, but I figured. 00:35:49.829 --> 00:35:53.090 Is it? It is. I don't like bringing it up, but 00:35:53.090 --> 00:35:55.369 I have to, you know. I don't see the connection 00:35:55.369 --> 00:35:57.269 between him selling his van and looking for his 00:35:57.269 --> 00:35:59.969 son. It's hard to drive a van around all these 00:35:59.969 --> 00:36:02.550 small country roads. You know, I've been looking 00:36:02.550 --> 00:36:04.900 for my son all over Ireland, you see. And I'm 00:36:04.900 --> 00:36:06.679 driving around, but I still have to keep my job. 00:36:06.840 --> 00:36:10.099 So I rigged up my car to be the milk van, you 00:36:10.099 --> 00:36:13.019 see.?Do you use your personal vehicle for your 00:36:13.019 --> 00:36:15.199 milk route? I don't get what you're not... Yeah, 00:36:15.260 --> 00:36:18.420 I sold the company van. So now I use the personal 00:36:18.420 --> 00:36:21.139 vehicle that I bought. You sold the company van? 00:36:21.380 --> 00:36:23.739 Yes. Right. The van that belongs to the company. 00:36:23.880 --> 00:36:26.159 Yes, it does. And you drive like all the way 00:36:26.159 --> 00:36:27.860 across the country and then have to get back 00:36:27.860 --> 00:36:29.639 in time to do the milk run. No, as long as I 00:36:29.639 --> 00:36:31.420 get rid of my milk. Well, yes, I should be doing 00:36:31.420 --> 00:36:33.400 the milk run. But if I sell the milk and still 00:36:33.400 --> 00:36:35.159 I'm bringing it... money, I can kind of, like, 00:36:35.199 --> 00:36:36.440 say, oh, I don't know what happened to their 00:36:36.440 --> 00:36:37.059 milk, but here's all the money. You're doing 00:36:37.059 --> 00:36:38.199 one-time milk runs with people? You're doing 00:36:38.199 --> 00:36:40.960 freelancing? Yeah. Right. Like, I will say, here, 00:36:41.039 --> 00:36:43.940 everybody wants milk, so I can, you know, we 00:36:43.940 --> 00:36:47.500 go to these small, isolated communities, I can 00:36:47.500 --> 00:36:49.079 up the prices and stuff. I wouldn't do that, 00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:54.139 because that's not ethical. Why were you so invested 00:36:54.139 --> 00:36:57.519 in me ordering less milk? Surely that would... 00:36:57.769 --> 00:37:00.230 I didn't want you to order less milk. Yeah, why? 00:37:00.510 --> 00:37:02.530 Because people should have all the milk that 00:37:02.530 --> 00:37:04.670 their bodies can take. Oh, so you're still passionate 00:37:04.670 --> 00:37:07.369 about milk. Can take? Can take, yeah. Like until 00:37:07.369 --> 00:37:12.389 you're fit to burst? Yes, I don't want to, yes, 00:37:12.429 --> 00:37:15.710 until you are seeping at every orifice. Can I 00:37:15.710 --> 00:37:19.210 ask a question? Yeah, of course. Your wife went 00:37:19.210 --> 00:37:22.710 to New Zealand? Yes. Did you not want to go as 00:37:22.710 --> 00:37:25.730 well? She's missing her sister for like two months. 00:37:25.730 --> 00:37:28.329 No, it's just... I still have to work. Okay. 00:37:28.550 --> 00:37:30.510 I'm just curious. It's hard to get two months 00:37:30.510 --> 00:37:33.949 off work. I was... I don't know. Can you get 00:37:33.949 --> 00:37:36.349 two months off work easily? Yeah. Really? Yeah. 00:37:36.489 --> 00:37:39.030 Nice. There's a bit of a backlog when I come 00:37:39.030 --> 00:37:43.409 back. Yeah. Just a big queue out the door. Well... 00:37:43.409 --> 00:37:47.030 Is that a lot of visions in one go? Yeah, that's 00:37:47.030 --> 00:37:48.269 pretty bad. You were going to say something? 00:37:48.489 --> 00:37:50.570 Yeah, my two cents in this conversation was that 00:37:50.570 --> 00:37:54.489 my Micra has good heating. That's the opposite 00:37:54.489 --> 00:37:58.010 of what... No, see, I can't just leave. You think 00:37:58.010 --> 00:38:00.230 I could just leave a refrigerated car full of 00:38:00.230 --> 00:38:03.210 the gift from the cow? No. The gift from the 00:38:03.210 --> 00:38:06.630 cow. The gift from the cow, yeah. So I have... 00:38:06.630 --> 00:38:08.590 So regardless, if no one wants to jump into my 00:38:08.590 --> 00:38:12.050 lovely little car, that's fine. But I have to 00:38:12.050 --> 00:38:13.369 drive it anyway. What's the temperature like 00:38:13.369 --> 00:38:16.429 in your car? I mean, I've got regular air conditioning, 00:38:16.570 --> 00:38:19.690 so... My back seat is full of milk. That's why 00:38:19.690 --> 00:38:23.000 I can't take everyone. Loose? No! That's interesting. 00:38:23.119 --> 00:38:25.179 I was about to ask the same. No, it's not just 00:38:25.179 --> 00:38:27.059 full of milk. How would I contain it to just 00:38:27.059 --> 00:38:30.199 the back? That's impossible. It's a liquid. Well, 00:38:30.199 --> 00:38:32.400 you've done a lot of internal retrofitting. A 00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:33.860 partition wouldn't be... No, it's just simple 00:38:33.860 --> 00:38:35.880 crates and bottles. I'm not a monster. Clarry, 00:38:35.980 --> 00:38:38.360 I'll be quite blunt with you. You seem like a 00:38:38.360 --> 00:38:42.000 man who has a backseat that is just a small pool 00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.420 of milk. Just slashing about. Where you just 00:38:44.420 --> 00:38:47.380 scoop bottles across. I would never dignify. 00:38:48.139 --> 00:38:50.940 Milk like that. That is disgusting. Milk deserves 00:38:50.940 --> 00:38:53.179 to be in bottles and bottles alone unless you 00:38:53.179 --> 00:38:54.679 run out of bottles and then you have to do baggies. 00:38:54.739 --> 00:38:57.300 But that's a last resort. Do you have the cows 00:38:57.300 --> 00:39:00.579 or do you get it from, like, a farm? I would 00:39:00.579 --> 00:39:03.880 love to have just ready cows to go, but one of 00:39:03.880 --> 00:39:06.940 my mates is a farmer and we get the milk from 00:39:06.940 --> 00:39:09.059 him. Again, it's a company. There's a full company 00:39:09.059 --> 00:39:10.780 behind him, but I do have my own milk supply 00:39:10.780 --> 00:39:16.739 as well. You can't get enough milk. I don't understand. 00:39:17.219 --> 00:39:19.860 So you do own cows. I don't own cows. I have 00:39:19.860 --> 00:39:21.760 a guy who owns cows and then there's a company 00:39:21.760 --> 00:39:24.199 that sells milk. And do you make a lot of money 00:39:24.199 --> 00:39:26.219 out of this? Yes. It seems like a lot of work. 00:39:26.820 --> 00:39:29.400 People love milk. I don't care what the problem 00:39:29.400 --> 00:39:33.159 is. People love... Milk. It just feels like the 00:39:33.159 --> 00:39:36.280 existing infrastructure is sufficient. It is. 00:39:36.360 --> 00:39:38.460 And then you lose your son and you have to go 00:39:38.460 --> 00:39:40.460 around the world looking for him. Please sit 00:39:40.460 --> 00:39:42.059 down. Please sit down, Clary. Take a breath. 00:39:43.159 --> 00:39:45.420 You're spilling milk everywhere. You're gesturing 00:39:45.420 --> 00:39:48.340 so much. I think everyone's getting a wee bit 00:39:48.340 --> 00:39:51.159 heated. Not everyone. Not everyone. I was trying 00:39:51.159 --> 00:39:53.900 to be delicate about it. Don't be. I've been 00:39:53.900 --> 00:39:55.960 pretty cool this whole time. If I could heat 00:39:55.960 --> 00:39:58.119 it like this, I can't get in the car for an hour. 00:39:58.480 --> 00:40:02.550 Oh, no, don't worry. I'd like everyone to get 00:40:02.550 --> 00:40:05.369 a good night's sleep. It's a delicate ecosystem. 00:40:05.789 --> 00:40:08.550 I just rigged it up. I just made a little system. 00:40:08.789 --> 00:40:10.869 Sorry, stop focusing on my car. It's a brilliant 00:40:10.869 --> 00:40:12.329 little piece of... It's a con -con -con -con 00:40:12.329 --> 00:40:14.809 -concraption. a contraption? 00:40:14.809 --> 00:40:16.090 -I heard contraption. Sounds like 00:40:16.090 --> 00:40:17.489 -a Freudian slip there 00:40:17.489 --> 00:40:23.750 It's a good contraption!! I rigged it up myself 00:40:21.610 --> 00:40:28.369 I'll be honest I kind of want to see it now. Shall we go out and have a look? 00:40:28.369 --> 00:40:32.619 It is very cold in here. It is very 00:40:32.619 --> 00:40:34.880 cold. It can only take one of you in the passenger 00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:37.239 seat. And to be honest, you can't put your feet 00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:39.500 down because there's tapes everywhere. You don't 00:40:39.500 --> 00:40:42.239 touch the tapes. Yeah, there's tapes. Clarry, 00:40:42.239 --> 00:40:44.300 what's on the tapes? I don't want to talk about 00:40:44.300 --> 00:40:46.420 it. Clarry, you mentioned the tapes. I record, 00:40:46.619 --> 00:40:50.760 yeah. Should we stick one in? No, please don't. 00:40:51.260 --> 00:40:53.579 I'm in the passenger seat. Oh, I mean, if you 00:40:53.579 --> 00:40:55.880 want to, at least put that one in. No, that was 00:40:55.880 --> 00:41:04.829 a bad one. Hey, Clary Junior. Sorry, CJ. I was 00:41:04.829 --> 00:41:07.590 just thinking about you there earlier because 00:41:07.590 --> 00:41:10.010 there was a guy in the milk run who... Well, 00:41:10.010 --> 00:41:11.989 I'm always thinking of you. That's silly to have 00:41:11.989 --> 00:41:14.389 said that. I'm just thinking of you now. There 00:41:14.389 --> 00:41:17.070 was a guy in the milk run who said that... I'm 00:41:17.070 --> 00:41:19.110 so sorry. It's not coming out. I can't stop this. 00:41:19.650 --> 00:41:24.190 Do you need a tissue there? No, it's fine. Well... 00:41:26.539 --> 00:41:28.780 I'll be honest, that was one of the saddest things 00:41:28.780 --> 00:41:33.860 I've heard in a while. Yeah. I did ask you not 00:41:33.860 --> 00:41:36.900 to. Look, it wasn't up to me. I wasn't sitting 00:41:36.900 --> 00:41:38.179 in the passenger seat. I'm sorry, I thought we 00:41:38.179 --> 00:41:40.019 were having friendly banter, but I went too far. 00:41:40.039 --> 00:41:42.920 I thought it was too. You couldn't have known 00:41:42.920 --> 00:41:44.980 what was on that tape. I just want to go home 00:41:44.980 --> 00:41:47.659 and see my wife right now, if I'm perfectly honest. 00:41:47.960 --> 00:41:49.940 I thought it was hopeful. Was it not hopeful? 00:41:50.159 --> 00:41:51.800 I thought they were going to be about milk. It 00:41:51.800 --> 00:41:54.860 was a lot of things, Clarry. What? Oh, so you 00:41:54.860 --> 00:41:57.500 haven't lost a child! I'm keeping him updated 00:41:57.500 --> 00:42:01.340 in my life and my search for him. I just, I think 00:42:01.340 --> 00:42:03.380 what I'm very slowly starting to understand is 00:42:03.380 --> 00:42:05.659 that your milk obsession and your lost son are 00:42:05.659 --> 00:42:08.840 unrelated to each other. Who said they were related? 00:42:10.579 --> 00:42:13.119 Milk's just my job. I just assumed one led to 00:42:13.119 --> 00:42:15.260 an obsession of the other. Why would a lost son 00:42:15.260 --> 00:42:17.139 lead to an obsession with milk? Just because 00:42:17.139 --> 00:42:19.920 he loved milk. It's completely irrelevant. He 00:42:19.920 --> 00:42:22.619 did love milk. Everyone loves milk. They appear 00:42:22.619 --> 00:42:25.440 to be like unrelated, but also massive parts 00:42:25.440 --> 00:42:28.300 of your life. Like the only two things you focus 00:42:28.300 --> 00:42:31.599 on. That is a critical and fair assumption. I'm 00:42:31.599 --> 00:42:34.519 going home. I'm having chips. and I think you 00:42:34.519 --> 00:42:36.659 should all go home yourselves. You know, kiss 00:42:36.659 --> 00:42:39.159 your loved ones, not goodbye, just give them 00:42:39.159 --> 00:42:42.219 a wee hello, and then, you know, say, I'm going 00:42:42.219 --> 00:42:45.320 away for a day or two, and I'll be back, you 00:42:45.320 --> 00:42:47.780 know. So just... Safe and sound. Safe and sound. 00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:50.920 Everything's going to be fine. So, yes, get a 00:42:50.920 --> 00:42:52.760 good night's sleep. We'll give you the directions, 00:42:52.980 --> 00:42:55.000 and you can head off in the morning. How does 00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:57.039 that sound, everyone? I'm going to drive now 00:42:57.039 --> 00:43:00.440 and get their head start. Well, it's nine o 'clock, 00:43:00.460 --> 00:43:02.699 and I've barely started my pint. Can I stay? 00:43:03.289 --> 00:43:06.030 Oh, yes, by all means. Okay. Maybe we can solve 00:43:06.030 --> 00:43:08.710 the Sudoku thing. I feel like I overstepped already. 00:43:09.789 --> 00:43:13.329 Listen, here, just have this page. Oh, thank 00:43:13.329 --> 00:43:16.070 you. I would like to see someone crack this. 00:43:16.150 --> 00:43:18.349 Someone can right my wrongs, that's okay. There's 00:43:18.349 --> 00:43:23.010 an 11 in here. Yeah, I was doing some while we 00:43:23.010 --> 00:43:24.590 were talking earlier, and I was a little bit 00:43:24.590 --> 00:43:26.409 distracted because I was half in the conversation 00:43:26.409 --> 00:43:30.519 and half in the Sudoku. That's fair, Deb. It 00:43:30.519 --> 00:43:32.000 was a lot more riveting than I expected it to 00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:36.679 be. Yeah. We cut to the next morning. We've got 00:43:36.679 --> 00:43:39.280 a little train of cars driving down the road 00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:41.619 to Spars Hollow. You know what? The wee camera 00:43:41.619 --> 00:43:43.300 will fly in the window of one of them, see if 00:43:43.300 --> 00:43:46.940 any of them are having a wee chat. If you open 00:43:46.940 --> 00:43:47.980 the glove compartment, there should just be a 00:43:47.980 --> 00:43:51.719 map there. You can be a navigator. Yeah, sure. 00:43:52.840 --> 00:44:01.320 Whoa. Whoa. Is that a trophy? Yeah, yeah, it's, 00:44:01.539 --> 00:44:04.760 you know, they award them to, like, the best 00:44:04.760 --> 00:44:08.360 surveyor. This thing is huge. And gold-plated. 00:44:08.500 --> 00:44:12.400 I was surprised, too. It feels very gauche to 00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:15.500 me, but also... I mean, you know, banks got money 00:44:15.500 --> 00:44:18.539 to spare, I guess. Don't be humble. This is a 00:44:18.539 --> 00:44:23.420 huge accomplishment. Oh, stop, reverse, we passed 00:44:23.420 --> 00:44:28.940 it. I saw the other two cars driving. I just 00:44:28.940 --> 00:44:30.980 trusted you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's 00:44:30.980 --> 00:44:35.139 all right. I'll reverse as soon as I can. So 00:44:35.139 --> 00:44:38.760 how long have you been doing this? Ooh, 40-ish 00:44:38.760 --> 00:44:41.559 years. 40 years? Straight out of school, yeah. 00:44:42.940 --> 00:44:44.699 Straight out of school? Like you didn't do a 00:44:44.699 --> 00:44:46.980 course or anything? On-the-job training, on 00:44:46.980 --> 00:44:49.940 the job? That's incredible. Oh, thank you. 00:44:49.960 --> 00:44:52.619 No, it's nothing really. Like, you do anything 00:44:52.619 --> 00:44:58.079 for 40 years, you get good at it. Yeah. Yeah, 00:44:58.079 --> 00:45:02.699 I guess you do. Our camera pulls back. We zoom 00:45:02.699 --> 00:45:07.099 in to the window of Clarry's car. Yeah, so if 00:45:07.099 --> 00:45:09.039 you can just, you can put your feet up somewhere, 00:45:09.139 --> 00:45:11.179 anywhere. If you can get comfortable, you can 00:45:11.179 --> 00:45:13.000 get comfortable. Just don't put your feet on 00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:15.219 the tape recorders. We see Clarry's just talking 00:45:15.219 --> 00:45:19.840 into a microphone, and behind is the Micra. You 00:45:19.840 --> 00:45:21.639 know, and that's what I said to them, son, but 00:45:21.639 --> 00:45:24.960 none of them would get into the car. So... It 00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:27.980 feels weird, you know, they feel like nice people, 00:45:28.139 --> 00:45:30.860 but I don't, you know, I felt a little, I don't 00:45:30.860 --> 00:45:32.400 want to say attacked, because I don't know them 00:45:32.400 --> 00:45:34.039 well enough to know what their voices and their 00:45:34.039 --> 00:45:36.920 emotions are, but, you know, you find new people, 00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:38.739 like-- do you know what? None of them knew who 00:45:38.739 --> 00:45:40.920 you were, so that's another few people struck 00:45:40.920 --> 00:45:42.780 off the list, you know, we're going systematically. 00:45:44.199 --> 00:45:45.679 Let's have a wee look and see what Maddie's up 00:45:45.679 --> 00:45:49.599 to in her car. Like, they're fine, they're nice, 00:45:49.659 --> 00:45:52.519 they're nice guys. They're like, they're just 00:45:52.519 --> 00:45:56.190 new. It's been a while since new people. New 00:45:56.190 --> 00:45:59.190 people that you might have to talk to a bit more. 00:46:00.130 --> 00:46:04.050 And that's okay. They're new people, and they're 00:46:04.050 --> 00:46:08.230 not paying you to do a job. And they might have 00:46:08.230 --> 00:46:10.769 cool hobbies that you can glean. Like, they might 00:46:10.769 --> 00:46:12.230 have something really interesting about them 00:46:12.230 --> 00:46:19.110 other than the milk stuff. And the tapes. But, 00:46:19.170 --> 00:46:24.210 like, the other two seem fine. Assumpta seems pretty 00:46:24.210 --> 00:46:30.409 chill. Next time on The Bad Articles. Join our 00:46:30.409 --> 00:46:34.130 brave volunteers as they visit not one, but two 00:46:34.130 --> 00:46:38.230 farms. The Bad Articles is created by J .R. 00:46:38.230 --> 00:46:41.670 McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is recorded and 00:46:41.670 --> 00:46:44.070 produced by Clark Phillips at Felburn Studios. 00:46:45.150 --> 00:46:48.929 Starring Conleth McVeigh, Laura Conlon, Patrick 00:46:48.929 --> 00:46:50.909 Meier and Niall McKenna.