Since the dawn of time, Ireland has played host
to unimaginable horrors, ushered in through an
ever-weakening veil between our world and the
other side. They live among us, shaping our mythology,
sowing chaos... scaring the shit out of people!
Not all hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned
and underappreciated, the OSNA stand proudly
in the way of unchecked, otherworldly chaos.
This secret network of brave volunteers put their
lives and their sanity on the line, all for a
better tomorrow. Have you ever woken up to a
foot massage from a banshee but her hair was
all long and wet, and it got all stuck between
your toes, and you were like "get off me, you
big wet menace!" You better call the OSNA before
you find yourself in The Bad Articles. Hello,
hello, hello. I'm JR McCormick, and I am absolutely
delighted to welcome you to the very first recording
of The Bad Articles. This is an improvised comedy,
horror, tabletop show set right here in Ireland,
so if you're a fan of rolling dice, sipping Guinness,
and being mildly haunted, you've come to the
right place. Every engine needs an ear, so give
it up to the man in the hidden fortress with
the headphones on. It's our resident sound sorcerer,
Clark Phillips. Huzzah to Clark. Huzzah. Huzzah
to Clark. Huzzah. Huzzah. Huzzah, everyone. Huzzah.
Every game needs its master, and guiding us through
tonight's creeping dread is none other than our
very own sweet prince of darkness, Aidan Kelly.
Huzzah, huzzah. Huzzah to Aidan Kelly. Are you
good? Are you excited? Oh, very. I'm very excited
as well. And of course, what's a game without
its victims? Sorry. Players... Before we abandon our real
names and descend into madness together, let
me introduce our wonderful cast. Conleth McVeigh,
huzzah, huzzah. Laura Conlon, huzzah, huzzah.
Patrick Meier, huzzah, huzzah. And Niall McKenna,
huzzah, huzzah. Thank you all for joining this
chaotic, spooky and very silly show. Before we
dive into the darkness, I have a question for
each of you. A real life question. Have you ever
had a supernatural or otherworldly experience
in the real world, Conleth McVeigh? Oh, I have
not. I have not existed on this plane for long
enough. You think it happens when you get older?
I think it's coming for me, but I don't think
it's here yet. That's fair. Laura? I've seen
three ghosts. You've seen three ghosts? Okay,
tell us about the ghosts. One of them was on
Halloween, which really ruins my case for any
legitimacy. 100%. Yeah, you've seen two ghosts
and we're at a Halloween party. It was really
authentic. He had a Peaky Blinders cap on. Aidan
Kelly, actually? No, I've never seen a ghost.
Don't believe in ghosts. My house is trying to
make me believe in ghosts. Anytime the wind blows,
it legitimately goes in my living room "ooooohhhh". That's
fun. Patrick Meier, ever been spooked? I've once looked
at a property that, if not haunted, has definitely
been used to dispose of bodies. I think that's
the closest to supernatural. The house has been
used to dispose of bodies? Not like the garden
or anything? Oh, no, no. There was like a bathroom
that was like the size of like a sports hall
with just like a single bathtub on a pedestal
with like a rusty jury-rigged pipe going towards
it. So I don't know if that's supernatural, but
it feels spooky, at least. And Niall McKenna? When
I was a kid, I was a coward. So I saw spooky things
all the time. Now as an adult, I'm still a coward,
but I also have a fierce rationality. So no ghosts
as of yet, but I'll keep you posted. No ghosts yet?
That's fair, that's fair. I have a wee story
for you. Oh. Oh, a leading question from... A
leading question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This wee
story takes place on a Wednesday in the town
of Rathgoole in the year of our Lord, 1993. This
quaint, little village sits at the heart of Ireland
and has an ever-fluctuating resident count of
between 2,000 and 20,000, depending on what
best serves the narrative at any given moment.
Set in the basin of a mountain range, rolling
fields meet metropolitan architecture in a clash
of soil and steel. It's sort of like Coleraine,
but spooky. On the corner of Sliotar's Cross
sits a crooked and dishevelled little building,
roof shingles forever threatening to slide loose
and brain a passerby, dusty aisle windows displaying
concertinas and old typewriters and shit. It's
a pub, if you haven't guessed already, and above
its large red doors swings a squeaky little sign
which reads Wight's Tavern. Not like the colour,
like the undead servant of a necromancer. Through
the big red door, we see the inside of a stereotypical
public house. Every single item in the bar looks
like it's been here for at least 40 years, apart
from a brand new jukebox in the far corner. We
haven't figured out all the buttons yet, but
I can play Push It by Salt-N-Pepa. Round the
back of the bar, we've got a pool table, but somebody
lost one of the yellows and it hasn't really
been fair since. No one wants to pick reds anymore,
so the game has basically become about sticking
50p into the pool table and seeing who can say
the word yellow fastest. Behind the bar, there's
a half-empty sheet of scampi fries as well as
both northern and southern Tayto. On the ceiling,
there's a wee table and chairs nailed upside
down next to an oul' bicycle and a rake of foreign
money. Now that you've seen the pub, let me tell
you a wee bit about myself. My name's Assumpta.
I have quite a few responsibilities here in town.
Not only do I run the pub here, but I'm also
the Elder of the local chapter of the OSNA. That's
right, the Official Supernatural Neutralisation
Agency. I suppose you'd call us ghost hunters,
but it's a bit more complex than that. Every
chapter runs itself differently, but the core
message remains the same. Stop ghosts and ghouls
and fairies and shit from tormenting people.
As the elder, I call the shots, but I used to
be a Knuckle. Knuckles, you see, are what we
call field agents. They're the ones that stand
toe to incorporeal toe with the things what go
bump in the night. Then we have the Clippers.
They're the folks that peel through the newspapers
every day to find the stories worth investigating.
They keep their noses to the ground, their eyes
on the daily rags, and their scissors close to
hand. Lastly, there's the second in command,
Mervyn. He's the Warden of this chapter, sort
of an assistant manager. Imagine if I was God,
he'd be Metatron. He's a good lad, so he is,
but he could use a bit of help out there. Since
we lost the last batch of new recruits when they
got eaten by a house last year, he's been out
covering every Article he can on his own. Now,
he's spent the last few weeks sticking up flyers
for our monthly recruitment drive because he
reckons that that new science show, The X -Files,
might help us get a bit more interest from the
young folks. Well, what do you know? The wee
bell above the door has just rang. Maybe we've
struck lucky. Mervyn will be back soon, but in
the meantime, let's just hope they all get chatting
to one another about who they are and whatnot.
Hi, Clarry Postman, the milkman. Hi, Clarry Postman,
the milkman. Hi, I'm Clarry Postman, the milkman.
Right, I'll talk to you. Oh, hello. Hi, I'm Clarry
Postman, the milkman. Hi. Do you think just repeating
your name is enough to start a rapport? Well,
I was hoping that you would have stopped me sooner,
if I'm being completely honest. I don't like
to introduce myself a lot to people, but I figured
if I do it too much, I'd be stopped. And, well,
you did stop me, I suppose. I did, yeah. Sit
down. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Would you like
some milk? No, I've got a pint. I'm okay. Well,
this is okay. It's fine. It's fine. Do you bring
your own milk to the pub? Of course I bring my
own milk. I know Assumpta's skimming from
the top. I bring my own milk. And now she shouted
at me before. But I'm not taking hers. All right,
fair enough. And I don't drink, so... You don't
drink? Yeah. You came to the pub and you don't
drink? Yeah. I'm allowed to do that. You can't
stop me from not drinking. You're absolutely
allowed. I come to the pub because I like drinking.
That's all right. You're allowed to do that.
So we're both here being allowed. We're both
allowed to do things. I'm sorry. Did you say
your name? My name's Gideon Hubble. Oh, okay.
That's lovely to meet you. God, we're good at
this, aren't we? I'm Clarry Postman, the milkman.
It's nice to meet you. Thank you. Gideon. Gid-e-on.
It's nice. Thank you. Oh. Sorry. Are any of you
good at Sudoku? I am Clary Postman the Milkman.
Okay, I'm Maddie. I have too many sevens. I have
too many sevens. Is that allowed? No, you can only
have one per line, one per box. You know Sudoku?
Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. You're having
issues with Sudoku? I am. Are you a Sudoku man?
Oh, yeah. Oh, amazing. Have a look at this. Okay.
Too many sevens, right? Yeah, absolutely. You've
got 11 sevens. You're two over there. Yeah. Part
of my problem is I used a pen. I was just about
to say that. You went straight for an intermediate
and a pen. I mean, I appreciate the bravado.
Yeah, I felt. You know, I had a good day. I thought,
you know, I don't do the lottery. I'm not going
to buy a lottery ticket. That's what they always
say, you know? You shouldn't do the lottery? Like,
a lot of luck. Don't do the lottery. It's gambling.
Yeah, exactly. So I was like, you know what?
I'm going to smash the Sudoku in pen. The lottery
is gambling? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I knew it was
unlikely, but I thought it would come up eventually,
you know? Well, that's the aspect that makes
it gambling. Well, I think the aspect that makes
it gambling is the exchange of money. Yeah. In
the hope of other money. Yeah. The numbers will
come up at some point. Not guaranteed. They might.
If we do it for long enough. That's fair. That's
fair. You know what? That's fair. That's fair.
If we, as a society ,do the lottery for... Oh,
sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Dolan. I am Clarry Postman,
the milkman. Oh, lovely to meet you. Oh, yeah.
You do the milk, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, I do
the milk. Who do I talk to about, like, reducing
the amount of milk? Reducing the amount of milk?
There is a person, but I wouldn't talk to them.
Okay, just for a month, you know, I need less.
I don't understand. So you want less dairy? For
a month? My wife's traveling, so right now I
have too much milk. I can bring it to her. New
Zealand? I could... send it to her. I can put it
in a nice little bag for her. I think she's quite
content with the milk over there. Oh, I wouldn't
say so. Do you know that theirs comes from the
lambs? There's so much lamb there, they have
to use the lambs to make their milk. I did not
know that, but... The lambs? The lambs. Not the
ewes? No, because the ewes are making the lambs,
you see. They're too busy. Right. You could make
those sevens into eights? That would be incorrect,
but you could. Yeah, I mean, I can... Or a clumsy
four. It's easy enough fixed, but... I already
have too many eights here. And now I have three
more eights. I mean, I appreciate you helping.
Would you like me to guide you through one of
the easier ones? I don't appreciate that tone,
frankly. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to
be condescending. I don't normally do the Sudokus
in pen. I was just feeling lucky today. Do you
want to borrow one of my pencils? Do you want
my milk? It can wipe out pen. Yeah, no, I...
If you put enough of it, it just covers it. I
was... Can I only... Can I just drink the milk?
For a price, yeah. Oh. Thanks. Thanks for offering.
I'll pass. I'm sorry. I think we got off on the
wrong foot. I'm Dolan. I'm Maddy. Maddy. Maddy,
lovely to meet you. I'm Clarry Postman, the Milkman.
Clarry Postman? The Milkman? Postman, yeah.
Gideon Hubble. Oh, yes, sorry. It's lovely to
meet you too. "Postman, the Milkman"? I just want
to say, I was at this table first. I apologise,
would you like me to move? No. You asked me to
sit down! Don't leave! Oh, thank you. I feel
an instant rapport with you too. I feel uneasy
about it, but I feel it. Can I be honest with
you guys? Yeah. This is the longest I've talked
with anyone who hasn't required my services
in weeks. You're telling me. You're telling me,
buster. Oh, I talk to people all the time. They're
great craic, people. They're lovely. What do you
do? Printers. Just printers? Printers. You sell
them? No fix. I'm on a lot of call outs. I'm
on a lot of call outs. A lot of different things.
I meet a lot of people, but they're only really interested
in paper jams. My printer sometimes has these
sort of patchy lines. Do you know what causes
that? Is the paper fed in properly? I believe
so. What does that mean? Well consult the manufacturer
then. Okay. Sorry. Unless you're going to pay
me. I mostly do offices, but... I don't do personal
call outs for printers. You're on your own there.
Sorry, sorry. You know what, that's fair. I was
rude about the Sudoku. I deserve this. Do you
know anyone... and this might not be your area of expertise...
but the paper that goes in: do you know a way
of sticking it to a car that's very, very cold?
I have a refrigerated car that keeps condensing
the windows, and I keep trying to have my business
on it, but... They keep falling off. Sorry, do
you want to paper mache your car? No, no, I want
to have my business, you know, my milk stuff,
all my numbers and stuff, on the side of my car.
Because I had to get rid of the van, you see.
So now I have a car for my milk. Why did you
get rid of the van? Oh, well, it was easier to
go around, you know, the country looking... uh, I don't
want to talk about it. Hello, sorry, sorry
Assumpta. Sorry I'm late. Look, you know, I
was out, I was just, I was out dealing with a
case. Very sorry, folks. I'll be with you in
a wee minute. God, no, no. There was, look, that
Banshee report we had, it was just some lad.
He was screaming his head off. Turns out he'd
got a bad haircut, a wee perm job, and he was
just screaming up a storm. And the people in
the street were complaining about it. It's fine.
I talked him down. We had a wee cup of tea. He's
going to come to the pool tournament next week.
I signed him up. We're not having the pool tournament
anymore. It's fine. I told him he can be Reds.
It's his lucky colour. It's fine. Don't worry
about it. Anyway, folks, my name's Mervin. I'd
like to thank you all for coming here today.
You know, it's great to see some people with
a wee bit of... Clarry Postman, the milkman. How
are you? Well, you beat me in my first question.
Very nice to meet you, Clarry. How are you? How
are you, son? Mervin. Mervin. Yes, that's me.
I'm good. How are you? Brilliant. Thank you.
I'm very well. You know, I'm a bit wet, but I'm
okay. And yourself, what's your name there? Maddie.
Maddie. Okay. Lovely to meet you, Maddie. And we've
got... Dolan. Dolan. Brilliant. Lovely name.
Interesting name. I like that. And yourself?
Gideon Hubble. Gideon Hubble? Hubble? That's
a strange surname. I don't want to talk about
it. Oh, okay. Well, I think there's a story there.
All right. Anyway, I see you've responded to
our flyer then. You must all be interested in,
you know, what we do here at the OSNA. Yeah,
for sure. Now, one of the things I like to do,
I like to get a little bit of a pulse on, you
know, why our recruits are coming? Is there
anything, you know, what, Clarry, what brought
you here? Well, can I show you a little photo?
I'd love to see a photo. I love looking at photos.
All right, well, this is a lovely photo. Have
you, just, have you seen this boy? Um, no, I
haven't seen that boy. Who's that, who would
this be now? Oh, I didn't really, it's my, it's
my son. Oh. Have we, oh, have any of you seen
this boy? I'm sorry, are you missing your child?
Yes. I'm very sorry to hear this. Sorry, that's
awful. But something took him and... So none
of you have seen him? No, I haven't seen him.
No one ever sees him. He's been kidnapped? Potentially.
You know, something took him and it was bright
and it was flashing and there was stuff going
on and I felt like it was otherworldly, you know?
I was out in a forest. I mean, it sounds like
a printer to me, but... No, there was no electronics
in sight. I was in a forest, you see. No, it's
that kind of curious mind that we need here.
Yeah, I was thinking that maybe you should know
something. So if I can scratch your back, maybe
you can scratch my boy's back. And in doing so,
you'd find him. If you want, I can take it into
work and put that photo up beside the eye chart.
That would be amazing. Yeah. Oh, that would be
so good. A little addendum at the end. Have you
seen the child? Have you seen the child? Yeah,
that's nice. Sorry, Gideon. What if their eyesight
isn't good enough to see the child? If they find
a blurry version of my son, that's better than
none. You know? Yeah. Yeah. That's a very good
point, but he seems fine with it. Okay, no, I...
I'm going to ask him in his browser. None of
yous have seen the good version of him. Well,
not that he's a bad boy. He's a good boy. Leave
him alone. I want to find him. What's your son's
name? Clarry Jr. Clarry Jr. Yeah, Clarry Jr. He
goes by CJ, but I'm trying to get it in my head,
you know. He goes by CJ. He doesn't like Clarry
as a name. Well, his full name's Clarence, you
know, after me, after his me. I was going to ask,
because Clarry's an interesting name. You know,
it's four interesting names around this wee table
here, I'll be honest. I was going to say Postman's
an interesting name. It is, yeah. Did you come
from a family of Postmans? Years and years ago,
but they got thrown out of the town that they
were in, so I don't... You kept the name. I kept
the name. Well, I have to keep my name. It's
my name. That's what I keep telling my boy. Don't
change to CJ. But he doesn't like Clarence or
Clarry, so we made an addendum to that. Well,
look, we'll add Clarry Jr. to the board. Thank
you very much. But there's a long list of things
we've got to be taking care of. No, I understand.
But this sounds serious. Something. Write up
his name. Clarry Jr. And then in brackets, CJ.
Can I write my name as well, because I think
that's quite interesting? Yes, no, you can put
that on the list of interesting names. This is
on potential cases. Copy that, Mervin. Thank
you, Assumpta. Gideon, what brings yourself here?
Well, it's a bit odd, really. In the course of
my day-to-day work, I've started noticing spooky
things. Or, not so much spooky things, wonderful
things initially. Seeing things in people's eyes
I've never seen before. Wow. But, um... Well...
There was a woman who came in. About 52. Eyes
in relatively good health. I always say, do you
want to pay a bit extra so I can have a look
in there? She goes, "yes." I look around. Not I
look around. It's not like a room. In her eyes?
I look in her eyes with the machine. Well, they're
the window to the soul. The window to the soul.
Well, that's... There's a lot in there. Yeah.
More than you'd think. I saw a man buying bananas.
In her eyes? Yeah, it was like a vision. There
wasn't a guy in there. Oh, wow. Otherwise I'd
refer her to A&E immediately. But it was a vision.
Oh. It's a very mundane vision. Well, hold on
a second. Oh. There's more to the vision? That
evening I went to Asda, I saw the very same man
buying bananas. No! But it was swiftly followed
by him being bitten by a black widow spider
that was hiding in the bananas. He died there
in front of me. And ever since then, anything
I see in an eye is preceded or rather succeeded...
By a spider? No, not by a spider. But it could
be a spider because it's always fucking horrible.
And I want to get to the bottom of these horrible
clairvoyant powers that I find myself unwillingly...
That must be tough to do your job if you might
see a vision the whole time. Well, the visions
are always pretty chill. It's only later on that
they become horrible. So you don't see the black
widow spider jumping at him? No, I didn't see
that bit. You just see the nice bit? I just see
the nice bit, yeah. How close do you need to
be looking in their eyes? Like, you know, I'm
a good six, seven feet away from you. Are you
going to tell me how I'm going to die? Or do
you need to use your wee head thing that you
put in front of your face? Well, it's only ever
happened with the head thing, but it seems to
be getting stronger is the thing. Now, Mervin,
he did say that he doesn't see the death bits.
He would just see a nice vision of you. Doing
something. But I can tell you when something
bad's going to happen. Wait, are you like a banshee
then? A man-shee? Oh. Well, I don't... A herald
of death? I'm relatively new to banshees or man
-shees, so I couldn't really tell you how similar
I am. But I can tell you when... There's a man
down the street that's a banshee, isn't there?
Isn't that what you said? No, no, it was just
a fellow with a perm and he was a bit upset.
Bit of a banshee? It was a bad, just a wee bad
do. Oh, right. Well, I might see that bad do
and then... You know, in real life, I'd see that
bad do crushed by falling masonry. Oh, no.
It's affecting my mental health! I can imagine.
Well, look, you're in the right place. The pub. We provide
answers. And the pub, yes. You know, enjoy the
Guinness. Thank you. We just cleaned the pipes.
That will explain the lemon. Maddie Yeah? You
know all that tech stuff. You know, why aren't
you, you know, off doing computers or whatnot?
Why are you here? Well, when you put it like
that, I... Listen, I... Was in university. The
internet started getting kicked about. I was
hanging around with the people who, you know,
were into that. And I've gleaned a little bit.
You know, I've gleaned a little bit from the
people I've known. But printers are kind of fine.
I like being my own boss. You know, I like the
independence that it gives for me. I get that.
Yeah. And it's very social. In a very specific
way. And I like that. You know, I like getting
to meet a lot of people very briefly. In and
out of their lives. Well, yeah, exactly. And
I don't know if I'm sort of using that in parallel
to how I date people as well. Because I've dated
a lot of people. And it goes great. They're not
bad relationships. They're interesting people.
Their families love me. And then... I just kind
of get focused on something else and then it
kind of just goes. I don't know. I've been with
people who have interesting hobbies and I always
felt like maybe I'm just getting my hobbies through
them rather than having my own thing. And I like
puzzles. You know, I like a Sudoku. I don't always
use pen. But this sounded like pretty puzzly
to me. So I thought I'd, you know, turn up Sudoku
literally in back pocket in case, you know, it
felt a bit. or the people who came were strange
and... Well, we deal with the ultimate puzzles,
you know? Yeah. The true mysteries of life. I
just want to dip my toe in a little bit to something
that I can be like, oh, yeah, I do this, rather
than, like, coding or jigsaws, crochet. We do
have do a jigsaw night. Oh, okay. Yes, every fourth
Sunday. How many pieces? You bring your own jigsaw
and then you swap with the person at the table
next to you. Oh, that's really nice. This is
the kind of thing I want. I want to be a little
more social with people who I wouldn't necessarily
otherwise meet through my job or through my dating
life. I just want to do more stuff for me, I
think. Well, I can respect that. And, you know,
we appreciate that, you know, you've got that
go-getter attitude. You're putting yourself
out there. That's the kind of person we need.
Sending you up? Yeah. Well, we'll see. Yeah.
You know, it's a rigorous process here. It's
an easy job. We're not in. It's fine. Well, we'll
get to that. We've got one more fella here. There,
Dolan. Yeah, Dolan. What brings you? Well, to
be quite honest, I've been sitting around the
house just quite a lot and I thought, go for
a walk. Just saw outside there and thought,
oh, I'll put my head in, have a wee look. So,
yeah, I didn't really know what any of this was
about, but... I don't know if this is anything,
but I'm a property surveyor, so, you know, I
go around buildings. I sort of sometimes take
measurements, look at things, and this might
be of interest to you. The other day, I was sort
of, I had one of those, like, have you seen,
like, those electronic tape measures, like a
laser thing? Aye, the wee red blinky boys. Yeah,
they're just lifesavers. But I was measuring
a wall, right, and it sort of said three meters
away, and given a second measurement, 3 .1 meters.
I thought, oh. But the wall can't just move?!
And every time I took a measurement, it kept
moving further and further away, despite the
fact it was still there. And then I walked over
to it and gave it a wee tap. And every time I
tapped it, it seemed like it was getting thicker
and thicker. So that just seemed a bit odd. I
just thought that might be of interest to you.
That's oddly upsetting, that there's some sort
of haunted wall that just moves around of its
own accord. Well, it wasn't moving. There was an
adjacent room, so I looked inside the wall, the
same as it was. Does your clicker work just normally
on any other wall? It worked on all the other
walls. So it's just this one wall? Yeah, yeah.
That is strange. Yeah, no, I mean, I did talk
to people about it, and I just thought I was
tired, you know. Oh. But it seemed like it would
be of interest to you guys. Well, you know, if
all this goes well today, we might be investigating
this weird wall or having a wee look at your
laser. Do you need to put that up on the wall?
Actually, no, don't put it up on the wall. Let's
focus on my son, please. Yeah, I mean, also,
like, the property's been sold now. There's an
office in there, so, you know, you'd be very
disruptive. I mean, if the office has a printer,
like, that's easy access. That's not a problem
for us. Can you just access any printer you wish?
I assumed they would need to request it. Oh,
like, general maintenance, yeah. So, what, it's
just like a warrant? You can just enter any building
with a printer? Yeah, honestly, yeah. Honestly,
that would be quite useful in our line of work
here. I mean, I question the validity of that.
Do you get a badge? I mean, I have my own ID
stuff. But people don't really give printer guy
a second thought. That's rude. Can you make fake
IDs? I've potentially dabbled in that. There's
a safe space here, don't worry. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. That's fine. Oh, yeah, fantastic.
Could you do one for me ten years younger? Why
or something? So I can get into the over 60's
disco. But you are over 60? Yes, but there's
a clear cut-off between 60 and 70. There's the
over 70's disco, but Michael goes there and he's
a prick. Got you. Get me into the young one.
Give me a photo and I'll get that sorted. Use
the one of the boy. Honestly, yeah. Honestly,
yeah. Get his face out there, because if anyone
looks at him and notices, well, that's not a
59-year-old woman? Thank you. You're hoping
that the bouncer will look at it and go, well,
sure, you're already in there. Yeah, and then
if people have seen my son around anywhere, like
I want his picture-- That's why I was thinking
those jigsaws could make one of the picture of
him. People see his face. Look, I just want to
find my boy, and I think that's very reasonable
to put his picture everywhere I can. They've
given up the search. Oh. Yeah, they searched
for three weeks. Yeah, that is not long at all.
No, it's not. But it's been two years. Don't
let that beat you. Don't let that put you down.
You think I'm going to stop? I'll never stop.
I can tell you won't. No. But, anyway, I'm going
to have to move things along here. That's all
right. You tear away. But if all goes well here,
we could be putting the entire forces of the
OSNA behind the search for your boy. That would
be... That would be everything. Right. Now, the
OSNA itself... Now, this is the local chapter
here. What we do is we basically, we're the last
line of defence against ghosts and ghouls and
goblins and, you know, sort of weird stuff like
that. Assumpta here calls all the shots. There
she is. Now, she also runs this place. It's a
tough job. It is. It is. People do drink here.
They treat it like a normal pub. But then, of
course, there is the ghosts and so forth. Now,
I haven't been out in the field in a long time.
I've not been out in the field in a long time.
I've no intention of going back out there. That's
why you folks are here. To help Mervin here.
That's it. So, what we're thinking is, we've
got a wee trial run. Now, we've got some folks
here who, they scour the newspapers and they look
for something that might be a wee bit fishy.
A wee bit weird. Now, this one, I think it's
probably nothing. Which one are you giving them?
The turnip one. The turnips? Aye. Well, that's
probably safe enough to be fair. It can't be
anything too strange. Well, look, so we found
this. It's in a wee local paper. Not local to
here, mind you, right? So I'll read it out to
you anyway. Local turnip feud continues. Word
around town is that the Lenihan and McAnally
feud has been heating up. The scandal? Francis
claims that Decky secretly crossed the boundary
line late last Friday night and tilled his field,
leaving his precious turnip crop, quote, "churned
like bad butter". "I know the look of McAnally's
horse tracks," Francis is quoted as saying. "Big
wide stance on that thing. Cocky turns and no
respect for rows". Decky, of course, has his
own thoughts on what's going on: "Maybe the real
problem is that those turnips couldn't handle
a bit of wind," he says. So, I don't know what's
going on there. Those two are written up in that
paper constantly, but, you know, one man can't
till a whole field overnight without anyone hearing.
So something might be going on, and we thought
we'd send you out into the field, quite literally,
to just have a wee look around, make sure everything's
on the up and up, and then report back to us.
Are yous interested in that now? It's a wee field
day. We'll pay for your petrol. Oh, okay. We'll
do what? I was going to ask about that. We'll
talk about it later Assumpta. It's fine.
I have a car. Can I just check? So we don't think
that... We do think that something... Suspicious
is happening? Like, what is our...? Basically,
we just want you to make a few wee notes. We check
everything. We check absolutely everything. And
nine times out of ten, it's nothing. But that
other time, it could be, you know, some sort
of ghost. But even if it is nothing? Yes. Are
we getting in? Potentially, potentially, potentially.
I just want to know what I'm working with. If
you file a thorough report, and we know, we can
see, you know, they've got the goods, then...
You're in. We give evidence of lack of evidence.
I get it, Sir. Reports. that's no problem. Sorry,
you said safe enough? Aye. Well, you know, it's
a dangerous job fighting goblins and ghouls and
all that. So you've got to be ready. But I don't
think anything's going to happen. You'll be fine.
But sometimes people aren't. I'd rather not kick
a weak creature that's hobbling around. Like
a robot turnip or something like that? A robot
turnip? I wouldn't know about that. Well, they're
getting all these robots, these newfangled things
these days. They keep talking about them in,
like, in stuff. And I don't know, so maybe these
turnips are robots or something. Just a thought.
They might be, but, like, by the sounds of these
two fellas, I don't know if they'd know much
about thon Robotics. It was just a general thought.
It wasn't, like, my final... I wasn't going to
put that in a report, you know. I'm not just
going to put my first assumption. Don't get the
wrong idea of me. I won't just put my first assumption
down in the report. We'll do the report together.
No, the report's not going to be the robot turnips,
unless it turns out to be the robot turnips.
And then it was like, holy f$ck, what a pull.
We'll keep open minds. Clarry, take a deep breath.
Have a sip of your milk. Is it cold? This is,
yeah, this is my own milk. I'm sorry, Assumpta.
God damn it, Clarry. Assumpta, you skim from the
top and you know it. I don't even know if yours
is pasteurized. It certainly is not pasteurized.
What? You didn't unpasteurize milk. I always
have, always will. What if someone gets sick?
Fuck 'em. See, this is what I'm saying. This
is what I'm saying. I'm going to keep bringing
them on and I'm sorry about that, but this, I
just know what I need and know what I want. And
yes, it is cold. Do many people order milk in
the pub? They do white Russians from time to
time. All right, fair enough. Cup of tea? No.
When there's children in? Sorry. No. There's
a big sign outside that says no kids. Okay. And
that is final. Oh, the one above the cow? Yes.
Well, we do have a wee bit of a tradition with
new recruits. So I believe you all received a
wee letter. We posted it out to everyone. We
have an oath. So we'll do it in the round. So
I'll start us off with the first line. And then
we'll just go round and we'll say the OSNA oath.
Oh, absolutely, yeah. You start it and I'll finish
it. Perfect. I hereby solemnly declare. I hereby
solemnly declare. It's the next line, Clarry,
you idiot. Why? I'll do line one. And then you
can do line two. And then we'll have Maddie on
line three, Dolan on line four. Gideon line
five and then Assumpta to bring up the closer.
Like a talk show. Oh, it is printed here three
times, though. I thought that was intentional.
Oh, well. I solemnly swear. It's printers for
you. Yeah, that's a wee fault in the printer,
so we should probably get Maddie in
to fix that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she won't work
for free, though. Thank you very much. You're
welcome. I'm glad we're getting along better
now. I thought we were all doing one of those
things like judges, where you say the words like
an army. To be honest, that's on me. I don't
think I explained it well enough. I understood
it. I don't know about everyone else. And this
isn't, like, I don't go with my first assumption
every time, I swear. Like, that was just... Stop
saying my name wrong. Ah, come on, Assumpta, this
isn't fair. I feel like I'm being ganged up on.
Clarry, take a breath. Big breath, Clarry. I can't
keep... Well, yeah, I'll drink some more. Mervin,
let's do this. We'll try it again. I hereby solemnly
swear... To stop everything I see or hear...
Unless, circumstantially, I shouldn't stop it
and instead look to further... In which case,
I will prevent with extreme prejudice and, of
course, an improvised weapon. That which should
not exist within this plane. Amen. Amen. Amen.
It was a wee bit different than the last time
I did it, but fair enough. Right. So, we've got
one last question. It's the most important question
of all before you go out. Do any of yous drive?
Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah, I've had about 15 % of a
Guinness, but I should still be good. Okay, you
don't need to go right now, don't worry. I'm
ready to go. You all got your own cars then?
I have a car and I can take one person. I ride
a bicycle. If you want a lift, I can give you
a lift. You're asking me to shotgun? I mean,
it's only two of us. Yeah. Yes. You can read
the map. I'll be driving my car regardless if
anyone gets in with me because it's refrigerated
to keep my milk warm. Is that not cold? Sorry,
to keep it cold. It's refrigerated to keep my
milk cold. How do you refrigerate a regular car?
Oh, I've rigged the whole thing up. It's fully,
it's fully cooled. It's fully, fully refrigerated
because, you know, I had to get rid of my van
because it's easier to get around the country
with a car. There was something else. You didn't
want to talk about it. It was my son! Oh. Yeah.
But then I figured I should probably show you.
It's tough for me to talk about, but I figured.
Is it? It is. I don't like bringing it up, but
I have to, you know. I don't see the connection
between him selling his van and looking for his
son. It's hard to drive a van around all these
small country roads. You know, I've been looking
for my son all over Ireland, you see. And I'm
driving around, but I still have to keep my job.
So I rigged up my car to be the milk van, you
see.?Do you use your personal vehicle for your
milk route? I don't get what you're not... Yeah,
I sold the company van. So now I use the personal
vehicle that I bought. You sold the company van?
Yes. Right. The van that belongs to the company.
Yes, it does. And you drive like all the way
across the country and then have to get back
in time to do the milk run. No, as long as I
get rid of my milk. Well, yes, I should be doing
the milk run. But if I sell the milk and still
I'm bringing it... money, I can kind of, like,
say, oh, I don't know what happened to their
milk, but here's all the money. You're doing
one-time milk runs with people? You're doing
freelancing? Yeah. Right. Like, I will say, here,
everybody wants milk, so I can, you know, we
go to these small, isolated communities, I can
up the prices and stuff. I wouldn't do that,
because that's not ethical. Why were you so invested
in me ordering less milk? Surely that would...
I didn't want you to order less milk. Yeah, why?
Because people should have all the milk that
their bodies can take. Oh, so you're still passionate
about milk. Can take? Can take, yeah. Like until
you're fit to burst? Yes, I don't want to, yes,
until you are seeping at every orifice. Can I
ask a question? Yeah, of course. Your wife went
to New Zealand? Yes. Did you not want to go as
well? She's missing her sister for like two months.
No, it's just... I still have to work. Okay.
I'm just curious. It's hard to get two months
off work. I was... I don't know. Can you get
two months off work easily? Yeah. Really? Yeah.
Nice. There's a bit of a backlog when I come
back. Yeah. Just a big queue out the door. Well...
Is that a lot of visions in one go? Yeah, that's
pretty bad. You were going to say something?
Yeah, my two cents in this conversation was that
my Micra has good heating. That's the opposite
of what... No, see, I can't just leave. You think
I could just leave a refrigerated car full of
the gift from the cow? No. The gift from the
cow. The gift from the cow, yeah. So I have...
So regardless, if no one wants to jump into my
lovely little car, that's fine. But I have to
drive it anyway. What's the temperature like
in your car? I mean, I've got regular air conditioning,
so... My back seat is full of milk. That's why
I can't take everyone. Loose? No! That's interesting.
I was about to ask the same. No, it's not just
full of milk. How would I contain it to just
the back? That's impossible. It's a liquid. Well,
you've done a lot of internal retrofitting. A
partition wouldn't be... No, it's just simple
crates and bottles. I'm not a monster. Clarry,
I'll be quite blunt with you. You seem like a
man who has a backseat that is just a small pool
of milk. Just slashing about. Where you just
scoop bottles across. I would never dignify.
Milk like that. That is disgusting. Milk deserves
to be in bottles and bottles alone unless you
run out of bottles and then you have to do baggies.
But that's a last resort. Do you have the cows
or do you get it from, like, a farm? I would
love to have just ready cows to go, but one of
my mates is a farmer and we get the milk from
him. Again, it's a company. There's a full company
behind him, but I do have my own milk supply
as well. You can't get enough milk. I don't understand.
So you do own cows. I don't own cows. I have
a guy who owns cows and then there's a company
that sells milk. And do you make a lot of money
out of this? Yes. It seems like a lot of work.
People love milk. I don't care what the problem
is. People love... Milk. It just feels like the
existing infrastructure is sufficient. It is.
And then you lose your son and you have to go
around the world looking for him. Please sit
down. Please sit down, Clary. Take a breath.
You're spilling milk everywhere. You're gesturing
so much. I think everyone's getting a wee bit
heated. Not everyone. Not everyone. I was trying
to be delicate about it. Don't be. I've been
pretty cool this whole time. If I could heat
it like this, I can't get in the car for an hour.
Oh, no, don't worry. I'd like everyone to get
a good night's sleep. It's a delicate ecosystem.
I just rigged it up. I just made a little system.
Sorry, stop focusing on my car. It's a brilliant
little piece of... It's a con -con -con -con
-concraption. a contraption?
-I heard contraption. Sounds like
-a Freudian slip there
It's a good contraption!! I rigged it up myself
I'll be honest I kind of want to see it now. Shall we go out and have a look?
It is very cold in here. It is very
cold. It can only take one of you in the passenger
seat. And to be honest, you can't put your feet
down because there's tapes everywhere. You don't
touch the tapes. Yeah, there's tapes. Clarry,
what's on the tapes? I don't want to talk about
it. Clarry, you mentioned the tapes. I record,
yeah. Should we stick one in? No, please don't.
I'm in the passenger seat. Oh, I mean, if you
want to, at least put that one in. No, that was
a bad one. Hey, Clary Junior. Sorry, CJ. I was
just thinking about you there earlier because
there was a guy in the milk run who... Well,
I'm always thinking of you. That's silly to have
said that. I'm just thinking of you now. There
was a guy in the milk run who said that... I'm
so sorry. It's not coming out. I can't stop this.
Do you need a tissue there? No, it's fine. Well...
I'll be honest, that was one of the saddest things
I've heard in a while. Yeah. I did ask you not
to. Look, it wasn't up to me. I wasn't sitting
in the passenger seat. I'm sorry, I thought we
were having friendly banter, but I went too far.
I thought it was too. You couldn't have known
what was on that tape. I just want to go home
and see my wife right now, if I'm perfectly honest.
I thought it was hopeful. Was it not hopeful?
I thought they were going to be about milk. It
was a lot of things, Clarry. What? Oh, so you
haven't lost a child! I'm keeping him updated
in my life and my search for him. I just, I think
what I'm very slowly starting to understand is
that your milk obsession and your lost son are
unrelated to each other. Who said they were related?
Milk's just my job. I just assumed one led to
an obsession of the other. Why would a lost son
lead to an obsession with milk? Just because
he loved milk. It's completely irrelevant. He
did love milk. Everyone loves milk. They appear
to be like unrelated, but also massive parts
of your life. Like the only two things you focus
on. That is a critical and fair assumption. I'm
going home. I'm having chips. and I think you
should all go home yourselves. You know, kiss
your loved ones, not goodbye, just give them
a wee hello, and then, you know, say, I'm going
away for a day or two, and I'll be back, you
know. So just... Safe and sound. Safe and sound.
Everything's going to be fine. So, yes, get a
good night's sleep. We'll give you the directions,
and you can head off in the morning. How does
that sound, everyone? I'm going to drive now
and get their head start. Well, it's nine o 'clock,
and I've barely started my pint. Can I stay?
Oh, yes, by all means. Okay. Maybe we can solve
the Sudoku thing. I feel like I overstepped already.
Listen, here, just have this page. Oh, thank
you. I would like to see someone crack this.
Someone can right my wrongs, that's okay. There's
an 11 in here. Yeah, I was doing some while we
were talking earlier, and I was a little bit
distracted because I was half in the conversation
and half in the Sudoku. That's fair, Deb. It
was a lot more riveting than I expected it to
be. Yeah. We cut to the next morning. We've got
a little train of cars driving down the road
to Spars Hollow. You know what? The wee camera
will fly in the window of one of them, see if
any of them are having a wee chat. If you open
the glove compartment, there should just be a
map there. You can be a navigator. Yeah, sure.
Whoa. Whoa. Is that a trophy? Yeah, yeah, it's,
you know, they award them to, like, the best
surveyor. This thing is huge. And gold-plated.
I was surprised, too. It feels very gauche to
me, but also... I mean, you know, banks got money
to spare, I guess. Don't be humble. This is a
huge accomplishment. Oh, stop, reverse, we passed
it. I saw the other two cars driving. I just
trusted you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's
all right. I'll reverse as soon as I can. So
how long have you been doing this? Ooh, 40-ish
years. 40 years? Straight out of school, yeah.
Straight out of school? Like you didn't do a
course or anything? On-the-job training, on
the job? That's incredible. Oh, thank you.
No, it's nothing really. Like, you do anything
for 40 years, you get good at it. Yeah. Yeah,
I guess you do. Our camera pulls back. We zoom
in to the window of Clarry's car. Yeah, so if
you can just, you can put your feet up somewhere,
anywhere. If you can get comfortable, you can
get comfortable. Just don't put your feet on
the tape recorders. We see Clarry's just talking
into a microphone, and behind is the Micra. You
know, and that's what I said to them, son, but
none of them would get into the car. So... It
feels weird, you know, they feel like nice people,
but I don't, you know, I felt a little, I don't
want to say attacked, because I don't know them
well enough to know what their voices and their
emotions are, but, you know, you find new people,
like-- do you know what? None of them knew who
you were, so that's another few people struck
off the list, you know, we're going systematically.
Let's have a wee look and see what Maddie's up
to in her car. Like, they're fine, they're nice,
they're nice guys. They're like, they're just
new. It's been a while since new people. New
people that you might have to talk to a bit more.
And that's okay. They're new people, and they're
not paying you to do a job. And they might have
cool hobbies that you can glean. Like, they might
have something really interesting about them
other than the milk stuff. And the tapes. But,
like, the other two seem fine. Assumpta seems pretty
chill. Next time on The Bad Articles. Join our
brave volunteers as they visit not one, but two
farms. The Bad Articles is created by J .R.
McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is recorded and
produced by Clark Phillips at Felburn Studios.
Starring Conleth McVeigh, Laura Conlon, Patrick
Meier and Niall McKenna.