WEBVTT 00:00:04.659 --> 00:00:08.060 Well, who says you need an Ikea? Look at this. 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:11.080 I must say, David, the way that you have stacked 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:15.000 this van is astounding. Thank you. Honestly, 00:00:15.179 --> 00:00:17.800 I come here for every house I've moved into, 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:21.120 all my rentals, all my student rentals, I just 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:23.960 go here and I say, is that a stain of blood? 00:00:24.019 --> 00:00:26.219 I hope not. Those teenagers are going to have 00:00:26.219 --> 00:00:29.059 to clean it off anyway. There's loads of stuff 00:00:29.059 --> 00:00:31.519 you find here. I love this ditch. It's not a 00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:33.420 bad ditch. I can't get enough of it. I'm surprised 00:00:33.420 --> 00:00:36.780 you left the rug. I mean, it had some concerning 00:00:36.780 --> 00:00:39.659 stains on it that even an 18 -year -old might 00:00:39.659 --> 00:00:43.079 smell. Well, David, just because they can smell 00:00:43.079 --> 00:00:45.259 them doesn't mean to say that they won't think 00:00:45.259 --> 00:00:47.399 it's aesthetic. I don't want to give them any 00:00:47.399 --> 00:00:51.079 soft furnishings. What I want is pleather furniture. 00:00:51.320 --> 00:00:55.460 I want mismatched wood. I don't want mahogany. 00:00:55.539 --> 00:00:58.140 I don't want anything that, you know, gives the 00:00:58.140 --> 00:01:00.859 place character. No. I want it to be soulless. 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.099 You want it to be wipe clean. Wipe clean and 00:01:04.099 --> 00:01:07.099 mouldy, but a bit, so I can gaslight them and 00:01:07.099 --> 00:01:09.780 go, that wasn't there when you moved in. No. 00:01:09.819 --> 00:01:11.180 Because it gets worse because they're not going 00:01:11.180 --> 00:01:13.420 to be able to afford eating, are they? No. To 00:01:13.420 --> 00:01:18.230 be honest, my rates are extortionate. But, you 00:01:18.230 --> 00:01:20.469 know, I get it from the ditch. I'm trying to 00:01:20.469 --> 00:01:23.189 keep costs low, you know. Well, you can't get 00:01:23.189 --> 00:01:27.329 much lower than a ditch. No, no. Literally, geographically, 00:01:27.349 --> 00:01:29.769 you can't get much lower than a ditch. That's 00:01:29.769 --> 00:01:31.629 what my dad always said. Well, you can get down 00:01:31.629 --> 00:01:34.170 mine. Could get down mine, you know. Geographically, 00:01:34.230 --> 00:01:37.829 David, that's lower. Or the Mariana Trench. You 00:01:37.829 --> 00:01:40.670 could go underneath the sea. Yep. But I'm scared 00:01:40.670 --> 00:01:43.989 of the sea. You should be. It's a wild mistress. 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:47.040 Whenever I was on scene. I have a wild mistress, 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:50.319 but anyway, sorry. No, no, go back to that one, 00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:51.859 David. You know about my affair. No. You know 00:01:51.859 --> 00:01:55.180 about my affair. Which one? Listen, I got lots 00:01:55.180 --> 00:01:57.799 of student rentals. I got a nice house. I'm going 00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:00.260 to have a mistress, aren't I? Look at that. Look 00:02:00.260 --> 00:02:02.959 at the way I did that truck. Everything in there. 00:02:03.500 --> 00:02:05.780 Piled in. You think women don't find that attractive? 00:02:06.590 --> 00:02:09.030 I don't think so. David, they've been all over 00:02:09.030 --> 00:02:13.090 you since you were the Tetris champion in 1984. 00:02:13.669 --> 00:02:16.169 I'm glad you remember that. Oh, I do. I was raging 00:02:16.169 --> 00:02:19.490 that I came in second. You know, I cried into 00:02:19.490 --> 00:02:22.669 my Burger King meal that day. Well, we can't 00:02:22.669 --> 00:02:25.530 all be winners. We can't all have a wife, a mistress 00:02:25.530 --> 00:02:50.740 and a couple of student rentals. Welcome. Back 00:02:50.740 --> 00:03:04.120 to Dunbracken. Right, check it out, right? I 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:10.620 painted it black. Put in a massive TV. A couple 00:03:10.620 --> 00:03:16.759 of leather chairs. And a PlayStation. Oh, original. 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:19.039 Didn't see that because it was black also. I 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:21.860 like that everything's black. Uh -huh. Check 00:03:21.860 --> 00:03:25.180 out the sound system. Oh, that's big. It's big. 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:27.960 That's massive. Is that stereo? All the stereo 00:03:27.960 --> 00:03:30.900 you can get. I'll probably get blown away from, 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:34.539 like, the TV. Yeah, it's going to be, like, a 00:03:34.539 --> 00:03:37.180 game changer. Yeah. As far as I'm concerned. 00:03:37.460 --> 00:03:39.240 Yeah, do you think this is what will get Melissa 00:03:39.240 --> 00:03:41.599 to take you back? Big time. Big time. This is 00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:43.580 it. I've moved to the big leagues now. Yeah. 00:03:44.139 --> 00:03:47.460 A basement in your friend's house? Well, here, 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:50.860 hold on. What are you laughing about? I'm serious. 00:03:50.979 --> 00:03:53.319 I'm dead serious here. No, I know. I'm just... 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:54.960 This is important to me. No, I'm sorry. I was 00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:57.340 being facetious. I didn't mean to be. All right. 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:00.400 Sorry. What do you think, though, lads? Melissa, 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:02.439 what do you think she's going to say? She's going 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:04.800 to be like, oh, you're the man for me? You're 00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:07.759 the man for me again? Again, yeah. Let's have 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:11.699 another child? Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean... 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:15.180 If she wants. I'm very much wanting to support 00:04:15.180 --> 00:04:17.300 her. I know, because I was playing her in that 00:04:17.300 --> 00:04:19.480 situation and that was her decision in that situation. 00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:22.259 Okay, well, if it's what she wants, because this 00:04:22.259 --> 00:04:23.680 time around I'm going to do everything right. 00:04:23.939 --> 00:04:26.040 Yeah, this time. I'm going to support her. That's 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:29.480 a, what a mission statement for a marriage. Yeah. 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:34.420 So I'm thinking this here man cave. Oh, it's 00:04:34.420 --> 00:04:39.220 a good name. Here. My man cave would be like, 00:04:39.339 --> 00:04:44.100 Melissa, look. When you get annoyed at me, I've 00:04:44.100 --> 00:04:46.279 got somewhere to go. I'll just go to Stevie's 00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:49.459 house, and I'll go to his basement. Exactly. 00:04:49.899 --> 00:04:52.199 You're always welcome here. Glad to have the 00:04:52.199 --> 00:04:53.939 company, to be honest. I've been a bit lonely. 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:57.019 You're a good friend, Stevie. Well, you guys 00:04:57.019 --> 00:05:00.360 are my best friends. We are best friends. Sorry, 00:05:00.480 --> 00:05:02.699 I didn't want to speak for you, Jake. Of course 00:05:02.699 --> 00:05:05.560 we are, but let's not get emotional, lads. Not 00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:08.180 in a man cave. No tears in here! That's why it's 00:05:08.180 --> 00:05:10.360 so dark. Can't see you cry. I think we've seen 00:05:10.360 --> 00:05:14.199 enough crying. Yeah, I'm sorry about that, lads. 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:16.879 It's alright. You let your emotions out. Just 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.920 not near us. Do it in a healthy way. Away from 00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:24.100 friends. Stevie, do you and the boys need anything? 00:05:24.199 --> 00:05:27.500 He's getting on okay down there. Uh, no, I think 00:05:27.500 --> 00:05:29.500 we're alright. Do we need anything else? Do you 00:05:29.500 --> 00:05:31.759 have any of those, like, Volovon things that 00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:35.480 you had last week? Uh, no, that was just... Sorry, 00:05:35.939 --> 00:05:38.000 that was just left over from New Year's, and 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:39.680 they were in the freezer, so you finished those 00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:42.480 off, but I appreciate that you like them. They're 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:45.060 from Iceland. They were fantastic. They were 00:05:45.060 --> 00:05:47.519 good, Melissa. They were. Thank you. Oh my god, 00:05:47.560 --> 00:05:49.680 I just called your wife, Melissa. Marion, sorry. 00:05:50.459 --> 00:05:52.139 It's alright, I knew what you meant, don't worry. 00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:55.459 Your wife's so good, she didn't even call Jake 00:05:55.459 --> 00:05:58.550 out on that. Oh, you're a lucky man. Well, you 00:05:58.550 --> 00:06:00.410 know what? Not many wives would let their best 00:06:00.410 --> 00:06:01.870 friend stay in a basement and paint it black, 00:06:01.970 --> 00:06:04.970 but God bless her. Build a full surrounding system 00:06:04.970 --> 00:06:07.009 and all. Yeah, no, she's always a bit lonely 00:06:07.009 --> 00:06:09.069 lately, so you know. So you build a man cave 00:06:09.069 --> 00:06:11.649 to stay away from her? Hold on a minute. You 00:06:11.649 --> 00:06:15.170 say you're lonely and she's lonely? Yeah. But 00:06:15.170 --> 00:06:18.230 you live in the same house together? Yeah. Don't 00:06:18.230 --> 00:06:20.290 understand. You can be lonely around other people. 00:06:20.930 --> 00:06:23.279 Well... Is that because you have such a big family 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:25.100 and all those kids that, like, it feels like 00:06:25.100 --> 00:06:27.180 you're alone all the time even though everyone's 00:06:27.180 --> 00:06:28.600 around you because they're all doing different 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:30.759 things? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sometimes it just feels 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:32.680 like there's, like, another self inhabiting my 00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:34.339 body and I'm just sort of watching it from the 00:06:34.339 --> 00:06:38.100 outside. Whoa. Yeah. But I think if we play a 00:06:38.100 --> 00:06:44.279 bit of FIFA, I'd feel better. Now, that's what 00:06:44.279 --> 00:06:47.420 we're talking about. Yeah. Stevie lad. Football 00:06:47.420 --> 00:06:58.139 stops emotions. Deborah didn't think I could 00:06:58.139 --> 00:07:03.500 find the perfect car. But here we are. Well, 00:07:03.540 --> 00:07:07.300 I'm glad we finally got something. We've been 00:07:07.300 --> 00:07:09.639 traipsed around these dealerships for months, 00:07:09.759 --> 00:07:12.600 it feels like now. Because it has been months. 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:15.740 It has been months, but you have to have the 00:07:15.740 --> 00:07:20.879 perfect car. And I think this is for me. Okay. 00:07:22.120 --> 00:07:26.600 It's... Beautiful. I never thought I'd get a 00:07:26.600 --> 00:07:31.699 sky blue car. Yeah, but you said that when you 00:07:31.699 --> 00:07:35.629 got your cherry red car. Aww. That was a mood. 00:07:36.329 --> 00:07:38.550 Yeah, and you thought it was your forever card. 00:07:38.689 --> 00:07:41.769 It wasn't your forever card. It was too saucy 00:07:41.769 --> 00:07:45.970 for me. I'm just not a saucy lady. I think you're 00:07:45.970 --> 00:07:50.930 a saucy lady. Oh, Deborah, you're a saucy lady. 00:07:50.930 --> 00:07:54.699 I don't want to be a saucy lady. I just... I 00:07:54.699 --> 00:07:57.339 just want to help my friend find her perfect 00:07:57.339 --> 00:08:02.019 car that will be her lifetime car forever until 00:08:02.019 --> 00:08:04.500 either the death of the car or the death of her, 00:08:04.660 --> 00:08:10.100 God forbid. Those are two very, very bleak situations, 00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:13.819 Deborah. I never thought that you would wish 00:08:13.819 --> 00:08:17.800 me dead. No, no, Louise, I mean it in the, you 00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:21.620 know, the marriage sense. Till death do you and 00:08:21.620 --> 00:08:26.860 this... Sky blue car part. I'm not marrying the 00:08:26.860 --> 00:08:30.199 car. No, but you... I'm going to drive it. I've 00:08:30.199 --> 00:08:33.000 got places to go to and the groceries. Oh my 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:36.700 God, the groceries that come in ever since we 00:08:36.700 --> 00:08:40.080 got that fourth cat. Yes, but you've been more 00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:44.899 determined and now rejoicing more about this 00:08:44.899 --> 00:08:47.720 car, the prospect of the car and now the discovery 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:50.860 of the car. than you ever have been about any 00:08:50.860 --> 00:08:53.960 one of your partners. Well, Alan was a shit, 00:08:53.980 --> 00:08:57.500 really, wasn't he? And Derek, well, the name 00:08:57.500 --> 00:09:00.960 itself is quite boring. It was a tip -off, wasn't 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:03.620 it, Deborah? Well, yes, and at the time, I think 00:09:03.620 --> 00:09:05.519 you thought that they were the respective ones, 00:09:05.620 --> 00:09:09.360 as was the cherry red car. Oh, she... I just 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:11.120 don't want you to break your own heart again. 00:09:11.580 --> 00:09:14.899 Well, I could not keep up with the personality 00:09:14.899 --> 00:09:19.019 of that cherry red car. I know it was too saucy, 00:09:19.019 --> 00:09:20.759 but you were saucy enough for it and you dyed 00:09:20.759 --> 00:09:24.379 it yourself. Oh, I wish I could be that saucy. 00:09:25.399 --> 00:09:30.580 On second thoughts, maybe sky blue isn't my colour 00:09:30.580 --> 00:09:34.600 this... No, I think if you want it, if your heart's 00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:37.720 telling you that this is it now, now it might 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:40.059 not be it forever, I just don't want you to, 00:09:40.120 --> 00:09:43.320 you know, be pulling me round car dealerships 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:46.710 in another two to three years. I'm not a one 00:09:46.710 --> 00:09:50.009 night stand or two or three year stand kind of 00:09:50.009 --> 00:09:55.070 lady. I want, I want something to last like, 00:09:55.250 --> 00:09:58.450 you know, a bag for life. I know, but you had 00:09:58.450 --> 00:10:02.429 the sunken cost fallacy about Derek. You were 00:10:02.429 --> 00:10:05.309 with him for eight years too long, I'd say. Well, 00:10:05.529 --> 00:10:10.190 it felt longer to be fair to you, but yes, I 00:10:10.190 --> 00:10:13.139 was. I was, but if you're just going to go over 00:10:13.139 --> 00:10:15.799 my failures, I might as well go... No, I'm not 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:18.659 trying to do that. And I'm sorry. You got excited 00:10:18.659 --> 00:10:21.259 about the car. I'm just a little tired. We've 00:10:21.259 --> 00:10:23.759 been around a lot of dealerships many times. 00:10:23.860 --> 00:10:27.059 And I think we walked past this car maybe six 00:10:27.059 --> 00:10:31.320 visits ago. Do you need a matcha latte? No, I 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:33.639 think I've had too much matcha today, actually. 00:10:34.340 --> 00:10:37.240 Six is a lot, but I would have thought with the 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:40.039 toilet stops, we'd be grand. Yeah, I just... 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:43.200 I've switched from caffeine to more of a matcha 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:47.320 thing and... I don't know. Maybe it's just my 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:50.000 own chemistry is just a little off today, you 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:54.080 know? Oh, Deborah, what's wrong? The matcha lattes, 00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:57.320 Louise. Is it nothing deeper than the matcha 00:10:57.320 --> 00:11:00.659 lattes? I see the way that you look. No, I think 00:11:00.659 --> 00:11:03.100 it is just that and the fatigue and seeing you 00:11:03.100 --> 00:11:07.419 get so made up about a new car that... I just 00:11:07.419 --> 00:11:12.159 want you to be happy, Louise. I am happy, and 00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:15.139 if you haven't noticed, I'm happiest whenever 00:11:15.139 --> 00:11:19.980 we're looking for cars together. I... Do you 00:11:19.980 --> 00:11:25.240 know, I really love being around you. Thank you. 00:11:25.259 --> 00:11:28.519 Especially. Thank you. And with your knowledge 00:11:28.519 --> 00:11:32.360 of motorcar colours, it just brings something 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:38.179 special to my life. It brings joy. And, you know, 00:11:38.259 --> 00:11:41.059 it brings the hope that I can be as saucy as 00:11:41.059 --> 00:11:44.779 a cherry red car. But you already were, and then 00:11:44.779 --> 00:11:49.279 you dated Derek, and it desauced you. He was 00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:53.639 as dry as a Friday night kebab on Sunday. Can 00:11:53.639 --> 00:11:57.659 I just say, I've been a car dealer for 27 years, 00:11:57.799 --> 00:12:00.460 and when I saw you two come in here, I thought, 00:12:00.500 --> 00:12:03.899 oh God. It's those two women who just go over 00:12:03.899 --> 00:12:05.980 their relationship and they never buy any cars. 00:12:06.740 --> 00:12:10.980 But hearing what you just said now, Louise, Deborah, 00:12:11.159 --> 00:12:14.600 I just thought it was so beautiful. Thank you. 00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:18.519 How long... I'm sure friendship is hard. Sometimes 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:23.259 I know me and my friend Gary. Hello. He's... 00:12:23.259 --> 00:12:27.080 Gary insists on coming to work with me. He hasn't 00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:30.100 had a job in five years. Don't need it? He does 00:12:30.100 --> 00:12:32.929 need it. But I say, what would a good friend 00:12:32.929 --> 00:12:37.470 do? So I let Gary fill up the staplers. We waste 00:12:37.470 --> 00:12:40.029 a lot of staples because he loves filling them 00:12:40.029 --> 00:12:44.029 up. But I do it because he's my friend. And thanks 00:12:44.029 --> 00:12:47.809 for that. No problem, Gary. And for what it's 00:12:47.809 --> 00:12:50.990 worth, sometimes a Friday night takeaway on a 00:12:50.990 --> 00:12:55.330 Sunday tickles me in the tummy. I'll let you 00:12:55.330 --> 00:12:58.570 get back to your conversation. Gary? Yeah? Would 00:12:58.570 --> 00:13:01.039 you like to go get a matcha latte? I'm going 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:05.259 to keep you stropping. Oh, okay. Watch him, though. 00:13:05.620 --> 00:13:08.679 Would you watch him for me? I mean, can he do 00:13:08.679 --> 00:13:13.539 a deal on the car for us? Oh, no, Gary. Gary, 00:13:13.539 --> 00:13:16.480 what will you do the sky blue citron for? Gary, 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:18.779 you're not allowed to do the cars. You do them 00:13:18.779 --> 00:13:21.080 too cheap, and it's getting me in trouble. It 00:13:21.080 --> 00:13:24.000 says six grand, but I think me and Louise are 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:27.210 thinking a bit more like... Three. Five hundred 00:13:27.210 --> 00:13:30.250 pounds. Oh, that's better. Jesus fucking Christ. 00:13:31.629 --> 00:13:33.350 If it's cash in hand, I can tell you where we 00:13:33.350 --> 00:13:43.710 keep the keys. I think maybe you actually go 00:13:43.710 --> 00:13:46.169 a wee bit too deep sometimes. Do you know what 00:13:46.169 --> 00:13:48.230 I mean? You see, this is the thing. I'm not deep, 00:13:48.330 --> 00:13:50.610 but the person... That's inhabiting my body. 00:13:50.690 --> 00:13:53.330 They're deep and it's tough to watch. You've 00:13:53.330 --> 00:13:55.450 got a little emotional person who takes over 00:13:55.450 --> 00:13:57.529 your body anytime you're sad. It feels like the 00:13:57.529 --> 00:13:59.250 emotional person is the big person. I'm just 00:13:59.250 --> 00:14:01.889 the small one. Well, that is an interesting philosophical 00:14:01.889 --> 00:14:05.350 debate as to what masculinity is then. Are you 00:14:05.350 --> 00:14:07.309 bigger or smaller just because you let emotions 00:14:07.309 --> 00:14:10.929 out? Stevie, we don't have any volvons. Tell 00:14:10.929 --> 00:14:14.840 the boys that I have profiteroles. And I have 00:14:14.840 --> 00:14:17.059 vegetable spring rolls, but they are vegetable. 00:14:17.299 --> 00:14:19.539 That's tight, Marianne. That's great. That's 00:14:19.539 --> 00:14:22.159 better for you. It has a reflux. Do a bit of 00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.559 sliced ham or something just to balance out. 00:14:24.600 --> 00:14:26.779 Bit of sliced ham. Bit of color in this room, 00:14:26.820 --> 00:14:28.779 you know. Not that it's not good within the black. 00:14:28.860 --> 00:14:30.980 I'm not making a baked ham for you boys. Oh, 00:14:30.980 --> 00:14:34.279 come on. I'm not making a honey glazed ham. Marion. 00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:39.220 Marion. Marion. I'm going to make one for you. 00:14:39.220 --> 00:14:41.139 Oh, you're a legend yourself. Marion, you're 00:14:41.139 --> 00:14:43.720 so good to us. Sound your wife's sound. She is. 00:14:43.779 --> 00:14:45.740 I mean, she painted us a whole room. You know 00:14:45.740 --> 00:14:48.519 what? Like, you should pay more attention to 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:50.820 her because... You might lose her and end up 00:14:50.820 --> 00:14:53.980 like me. And me. Alone. As I said, you can be 00:14:53.980 --> 00:14:56.379 alone with others. That's true, you're already 00:14:56.379 --> 00:14:57.220 - You don't need to lose your wife to be alone. 00:14:57.399 --> 00:14:59.690 Do you already feel alone with your wife? Sometimes. 00:15:00.070 --> 00:15:02.169 That's tough. Even when she's making you a sweet 00:15:02.169 --> 00:15:04.769 glazed ham. Sometimes it just feels like we're 00:15:04.769 --> 00:15:06.789 going through the motions. Maybe it's because 00:15:06.789 --> 00:15:10.870 there's too many people inside of you and, you 00:15:10.870 --> 00:15:12.909 know, like, she doesn't know how to connect because 00:15:12.909 --> 00:15:15.470 there's a little you and a big you and she gets 00:15:15.470 --> 00:15:18.429 confused. So many yous vying for you. Yeah, no, 00:15:18.490 --> 00:15:20.710 I get that. Too many yous. So she has to fit 00:15:20.710 --> 00:15:23.090 in somewhere with vying for the control of all 00:15:23.090 --> 00:15:25.309 the yous. You can't have more than one. Too many. 00:15:25.429 --> 00:15:27.509 There's too many, Steve. I hear what you're saying. 00:15:27.629 --> 00:15:30.440 Do you know what I'm saying? let the big me that 00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:33.120 runs the household and looks after the kids run 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.120 free and the small me should disappear. Yeah, 00:15:36.179 --> 00:15:38.639 I think you need to kill small you. I think so 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:41.960 too. Kill small Steve. Brian. Not like your kid 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:44.360 Steve. Kill small you Steve. No, Stevie Junior. 00:15:44.500 --> 00:15:47.360 Stevie Junior's a kick -ass cool kid. Yeah, got 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:50.259 a scholarship. Did he? Yeah. For what? Football. 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:53.559 Wow. Yeah, congrats to him. That's class. Fair 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:55.840 play to the lad. Doesn't get it from me. I hope 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:57.779 he doesn't break his leg and have a career -ending 00:15:57.779 --> 00:15:59.419 injury before his career even begins. I hope 00:15:59.419 --> 00:16:02.460 he doesn't eat some bad chicken and end up with 00:16:02.460 --> 00:16:05.679 septicemia and dysentery. Do you know what I 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:07.659 mean? That would be a disaster. That would be 00:16:07.659 --> 00:16:09.899 awful. That would be bad. I hope he doesn't have 00:16:09.899 --> 00:16:13.259 a heart attack on the pitch and there's no thing 00:16:13.259 --> 00:16:16.399 to jolt start your house. I hope he doesn't die. 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:18.500 You see... Big Stevie doesn't think about that. 00:16:18.539 --> 00:16:20.679 Small Stevie stays awake at night about that. 00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:23.240 That's it. Gotta go to small Stevie. You know 00:16:23.240 --> 00:16:25.779 what? All the lads, we could just go out sometime. 00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:28.940 Out, out, lads, let's go. Kill small Stevie and 00:16:28.940 --> 00:16:31.779 then have a night on the town. On the town. Brian 00:16:31.779 --> 00:16:33.720 needs a night out, don't you, Brian? Brian does. 00:16:33.799 --> 00:16:37.059 I do need a night out, yeah. I've been so alone 00:16:37.059 --> 00:16:39.600 that I start to make myself feel more surrounded 00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:41.779 by people. I've started using my name in third 00:16:41.779 --> 00:16:43.419 person to be like, oh, how you feeling, Brian? 00:16:43.940 --> 00:16:46.669 Thanks for asking, Brian, you know? I do know. 00:16:46.690 --> 00:16:49.929 Sorry, no emotions. Jake knows. Stevie, I put 00:16:49.929 --> 00:16:51.809 that ham on. I'm just going to leave it on for 00:16:51.809 --> 00:16:53.750 a wee bit, but I'm on my way over to Melissa's 00:16:53.750 --> 00:16:55.769 here. Sorry. What? I'm on my way over to Melissa's 00:16:55.769 --> 00:16:58.549 here. Of course. So, just keep an eye on it. 00:16:58.590 --> 00:17:00.870 Should we come, Maria? Yeah, Maria. We'll come. 00:17:01.250 --> 00:17:03.710 No, no, no. It's okay. Sorry, I shouldn't have 00:17:03.710 --> 00:17:06.210 said that. Maria, Maria, Maria. Just give her 00:17:06.210 --> 00:17:08.990 a message. I've been invaded by men. Anyway, 00:17:09.130 --> 00:17:11.549 I'm way on here. Tell her we're on a lad's night 00:17:11.549 --> 00:17:13.890 out. How about that? Well, no, wait. Tell her. 00:17:13.950 --> 00:17:17.490 Just say, I'm gonna listen better next time. 00:17:17.529 --> 00:17:19.769 Aye. Tell her that. I think she's gone already. 00:17:20.009 --> 00:17:22.430 Oh, gosh. Also, I can't go on a night out tonight. 00:17:22.509 --> 00:17:24.049 I'm looking after the kids now. But they're fine. 00:17:24.470 --> 00:17:26.930 No. Really? You think if you leave them alone, 00:17:27.049 --> 00:17:29.529 Stevie's gonna die and... Stevie will be fine, 00:17:29.589 --> 00:17:30.970 but, you know, he's at football practice, so 00:17:30.970 --> 00:17:33.009 he can't look after the wee ones. Who's picking 00:17:33.009 --> 00:17:35.470 him up? Oh, he drives now. Yeah, yeah. He's all 00:17:35.470 --> 00:17:37.970 grown up now. It's just that Erica's struggling 00:17:37.970 --> 00:17:40.890 with schoolwork, you know. Oh. Yeah. Why don't 00:17:40.890 --> 00:17:43.049 we bring little Erica down here and teach him 00:17:43.049 --> 00:17:45.769 the ways of life? Erica. Oh, why don't we bring 00:17:45.769 --> 00:17:47.750 little Erica down here and teach her the ways 00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:50.029 of life? That sounds... A bit dark for reading 00:17:50.029 --> 00:17:51.690 here. Well, she doesn't need to read. She needs 00:17:51.690 --> 00:17:54.109 to learn. You know, very different things. We 00:17:54.109 --> 00:17:56.289 can teach her all about how it's important to 00:17:56.289 --> 00:17:58.609 kill off the weaker parts of yourself so then 00:17:58.609 --> 00:18:00.569 you can't let anyone in to break your heart. 00:18:01.049 --> 00:18:03.410 What part of yourself do you need to kill off, 00:18:03.490 --> 00:18:07.430 Brian? The one who goes too much into hard mushrooms. 00:18:08.170 --> 00:18:11.420 What? The one who does too many shrooms, that's 00:18:11.420 --> 00:18:13.440 the one I'm going to kill off. I don't like that 00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:15.680 one either. Yeah, he gets too philosophical. 00:18:15.819 --> 00:18:19.019 The philosophy is fine, it's just you get really 00:18:19.019 --> 00:18:21.440 vicious about getting your car keys back. Oh 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:24.119 my gosh, yeah. If I know where they are, then 00:18:24.119 --> 00:18:26.319 I won't have to worry about them. You get really 00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:30.319 obsessed with your car keys. They're just keys. 00:18:30.420 --> 00:18:33.779 You get aggressive, and I mean, I'm not blaming 00:18:33.779 --> 00:18:36.819 you for my football career ending injury, but... 00:18:36.819 --> 00:18:40.980 Well... He put his car keys through your kneecap 00:18:40.980 --> 00:18:43.920 like that was... I keyed you. I keyed you. I 00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:46.019 keyed you. It's a classic move. Classic Brian 00:18:46.019 --> 00:18:47.779 move. I do think I should have just given you 00:18:47.779 --> 00:18:49.700 the car keys that day. Yeah, that's what I said 00:18:49.700 --> 00:18:51.200 to everyone. You were to know he had already 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:54.000 mainlined a lot of shrooms. Oh, I knew. So many 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:55.920 shrooms. Yeah. That's why I had the car keys. 00:18:56.240 --> 00:18:59.000 Now, anytime anyone has my keys, they just give 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:01.059 me them right away because they're like, I don't 00:19:01.059 --> 00:19:03.220 want to have a career -ended injury. Like, what 00:19:03.220 --> 00:19:05.720 are you, a chef? I will key your hands and you'll 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:08.200 never be able to perform chefery again. You're 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:11.339 the key man. I'm the key man. Brian the key man. 00:19:12.119 --> 00:19:14.220 Deadly with keys. Ah, because I don't even want 00:19:14.220 --> 00:19:16.039 to drive. I just need them for the shrooms. You 00:19:16.039 --> 00:19:18.460 didn't even... Oh, what? I need them to snort 00:19:18.460 --> 00:19:20.019 the shrooms off. I thought you were going to 00:19:20.019 --> 00:19:24.039 drive. No, no. Can you drive? No. That's my house 00:19:24.039 --> 00:19:28.160 keys. There's no crying here, right? No, no crying. 00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:37.640 I'm going to be back in a week. Thirsty. Can 00:19:37.640 --> 00:19:41.119 you check on the glazed ham? Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:44.000 I'll definitely take some of that ham. Oh, it'd 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:54.880 be great. Listen, proprietor, I need a match 00:19:54.880 --> 00:19:57.140 a latte, quick. I've just run across the road 00:19:57.140 --> 00:19:58.579 for this because I'm really thirsty, but I think 00:19:58.579 --> 00:20:00.839 my friend and associate, Gary, is about to sell 00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:04.279 a car for 500... Oh, Jesus. Oh, for him. What? 00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:08.319 Good for him. He needed a job. How do you know 00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:11.140 about Gary and his unemployment? I watch from 00:20:11.140 --> 00:20:13.559 across the road every day. I thought I was the 00:20:13.559 --> 00:20:15.140 one watching, but you were watching the watcher. 00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:17.900 I was watching the watcher. It's just nice to 00:20:17.900 --> 00:20:20.279 see. Can I have my coffee? Sorry. Yeah, sorry. 00:20:20.420 --> 00:20:24.180 Sir, could I get a matcha latte and can I get 00:20:24.180 --> 00:20:27.839 £500 cash back on that, please? No, I was first. 00:20:27.900 --> 00:20:30.319 I need a matcha now. I have a matcha here ready 00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:34.710 to go. That's me. My matcha. Wait, you forgot 00:20:34.710 --> 00:20:38.470 your cash bag. Oh, I'll take the cash bag. Thank 00:20:38.470 --> 00:20:40.809 you so much. Okay, here you go. Thank you. Okay, 00:20:41.009 --> 00:20:44.849 quick, back to the leadership. It appears we're 00:20:44.849 --> 00:20:47.630 at an impasse. Oh, I see. You already gave him 00:20:47.630 --> 00:20:50.269 the cash. Here's the keys. Thank you so much. 00:20:50.710 --> 00:20:54.470 What the fuck, Gary? I've only ever shown you 00:20:54.470 --> 00:20:57.170 friendship and patience. And I appreciate it. 00:20:57.710 --> 00:21:00.450 And I got you a sale. Do you ever wonder? I'm 00:21:00.450 --> 00:21:02.450 not even asking for permission. Do you ever wonder 00:21:02.450 --> 00:21:07.490 if you're a good friend to me? Deborah, you are 00:21:07.490 --> 00:21:09.970 the best friend I could ever have and you know 00:21:09.970 --> 00:21:12.789 why I love you. Because you're a cheap bitch 00:21:12.789 --> 00:21:17.009 and I love that about you. Louise, I appreciate 00:21:17.009 --> 00:21:19.230 all that you've said to me today and I really 00:21:19.230 --> 00:21:23.089 hope this car is the one for you. But I think 00:21:23.089 --> 00:21:25.109 I'm going to go back to Gary and give him a tip. 00:21:25.869 --> 00:21:28.470 He was a good man and he did a good deal for 00:21:28.470 --> 00:21:31.049 us. He did a brilliant deal for us, but we're 00:21:31.049 --> 00:21:33.970 going out Friday. I'll give him a tip monetarily. 00:21:34.349 --> 00:21:36.750 We're going out for dinner and I'll give him 00:21:36.750 --> 00:21:39.269 a tip monetarily then, but you can come if you 00:21:39.269 --> 00:21:43.509 want. Oh. I kind of assumed I was going to be 00:21:43.509 --> 00:21:48.910 there. Can I come? No. Well, hold on. Can you 00:21:48.910 --> 00:21:52.309 cover me? I don't want to seem cheap. I've no 00:21:52.309 --> 00:21:57.480 money, Gary. You sold my last car for £500. I'm 00:21:57.480 --> 00:21:59.299 going to have to shut it down. That means you 00:21:59.299 --> 00:22:03.099 have £500. I'm going to use this to buy a first 00:22:03.099 --> 00:22:06.019 class ticket out of here and away from you because 00:22:06.019 --> 00:22:08.420 you've been a horrible friend. What? You've been 00:22:08.420 --> 00:22:10.500 a horrible friend. I didn't think I was. You 00:22:10.500 --> 00:22:12.319 fucking are. This is the first time I'm hearing 00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:13.799 about this. This is the first time you've heard? 00:22:13.799 --> 00:22:15.480 Yeah, you've never said a word. Well, it's because 00:22:15.480 --> 00:22:18.779 I've been so patient. I appreciate that. Oh, 00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:20.759 that's great. You appreciate it. Appreciate this. 00:22:24.910 --> 00:22:35.349 You're walking away. So, um, what part of me 00:22:35.349 --> 00:22:39.309 should I kill off? Because I'm a bit torn. Is 00:22:39.309 --> 00:22:41.130 there a few options or should I just start picking 00:22:41.130 --> 00:22:44.150 at it? There are, I mean, should I kill off, 00:22:44.230 --> 00:22:48.049 you know, the guy who just, like, walks around 00:22:48.049 --> 00:22:52.150 with his shoulders, like, looking cool? No, that's 00:22:52.150 --> 00:22:54.460 a pretty good one. Okay. Keep him. Yeah, it's 00:22:54.460 --> 00:22:57.680 good. I have two suggestions. Okay. I don't think 00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:00.740 you should kill off the one who needs Melissa, 00:23:01.019 --> 00:23:03.380 but I think you should kill off the one who craves 00:23:03.380 --> 00:23:06.259 Melissa. Whoa. Or the other way around. You can 00:23:06.259 --> 00:23:09.099 do whichever. I crave her so much. Right, so 00:23:09.099 --> 00:23:11.079 then kill off the need for her, and then it just 00:23:11.079 --> 00:23:14.640 becomes a whole lust thing. I need her as well. 00:23:15.039 --> 00:23:19.039 Oh, God, this is tough. Crave or need? When I 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:22.059 think of Melissa, like, in a craving sense. Aye. 00:23:22.380 --> 00:23:24.859 I just want to sing to her, you know? Oh, you 00:23:24.859 --> 00:23:27.039 want to go back into high school? Yeah, like 00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:31.480 I want to do, like, Melissa, I love you. Oh, 00:23:31.480 --> 00:23:33.720 you should grin to her. It's embarrassing. No, 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:36.480 no, it's beautiful. You know, if there's someone 00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:38.500 out there that you can grin to, you should grin 00:23:38.500 --> 00:23:41.579 to them. I know, but maybe it's not practical. 00:23:42.259 --> 00:23:47.259 Maybe I need a neater. Like, Melissa, you couldn't 00:23:47.259 --> 00:23:50.960 do me a favour and take these T -shirts and give 00:23:50.960 --> 00:23:54.829 them a wee iron? Oh, God. I am a conflicted man. 00:23:55.009 --> 00:23:58.490 It's tough. There's no doubt. No. But you know 00:23:58.490 --> 00:24:01.569 what? Instead of a lad's night out, instead of 00:24:01.569 --> 00:24:05.089 a lad's, lad's, lad's, how about we go and disrupt 00:24:05.089 --> 00:24:08.569 the woman's night and you sing to her or just 00:24:08.569 --> 00:24:10.710 ask her to iron your shirt, whichever you feel 00:24:10.710 --> 00:24:12.910 in the moment's right. I just don't know. Whatever 00:24:12.910 --> 00:24:15.250 love speaks through you. She's such a good woman. 00:24:15.490 --> 00:24:19.650 Great woman. Am I enough for her? Parts of you 00:24:19.650 --> 00:24:25.009 are. Oh, to be one whole man. Oh, it's an impossible 00:24:25.009 --> 00:24:29.730 feat. Too hard. Women have it easy. Aye, they're 00:24:29.730 --> 00:24:32.849 one man right off the bat. Men have it so hard. 00:24:33.250 --> 00:24:36.269 So many complexities within the man. The man 00:24:36.269 --> 00:24:39.589 is complex. Do you ever see that picture of Da 00:24:39.589 --> 00:24:42.789 Vinci? Where he's like five -limbed? A lot of 00:24:42.789 --> 00:24:44.950 Da Vinci's in there. A pile of Da Vinci's, aye. 00:24:45.329 --> 00:24:48.069 He's too many. Too many Da Vinci's, that's what 00:24:48.069 --> 00:24:50.329 I feel like. Like I'm upside down, but I'm still 00:24:50.329 --> 00:24:53.250 the right way up. This is it, like I'm spinning. 00:24:53.470 --> 00:24:55.289 Yeah, you're lost in a little box. It's like 00:24:55.289 --> 00:24:57.390 you're tied in a circus and someone's throwing 00:24:57.390 --> 00:24:59.710 knives at you. Da Vinci, Da Vinci, Da Vinci, 00:24:59.710 --> 00:25:03.089 which one do you want? It's intense to be a man. 00:25:03.190 --> 00:25:06.829 It's so hard sometimes. It's like, uh, do you 00:25:06.829 --> 00:25:10.940 ever see those magic eye pictures? Aye. So that's 00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:13.220 what it's like to be a man. Like a magic eye. 00:25:13.400 --> 00:25:15.759 You're looking at one thing. But it's never there. 00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:19.579 It's never there. Elusive. The elusive man that 00:25:19.579 --> 00:25:21.700 I am. The elusive man. That's what Melissa wants, 00:25:21.900 --> 00:25:23.880 but she can't get you. She can't reach. She can't 00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:27.640 reach you. She can look and stare for a long 00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:31.839 time and adjust her focus and still move. She's 00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:34.700 almost there. Almost. Maybe she thinks she needs 00:25:34.700 --> 00:25:37.440 glasses to perceive you fully, but... And other 00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:40.089 people are like... But I can see him. I can see 00:25:40.089 --> 00:25:41.809 him. Just look from the side. She's like, no. 00:25:41.990 --> 00:25:43.890 No. No, I need to perceive him in the right, 00:25:43.910 --> 00:25:46.849 correct way. And there I am spinning around like 00:25:46.849 --> 00:25:49.970 an Italian madman. Da Vinci. Da Vinci, look at 00:25:49.970 --> 00:25:52.009 me. I have a flying machine. But at what cost? 00:25:52.009 --> 00:25:55.410 I'm soaring so high. But I'm never getting my 00:25:55.410 --> 00:26:00.289 feet on the ground. Brian. Hey, guys. All right, 00:26:00.289 --> 00:26:02.369 Stephen. We were just talking about FIFA there. 00:26:02.369 --> 00:26:04.470 FIFA there. I'm going to play as Liverpool. I 00:26:04.470 --> 00:26:06.230 thought Erica was looking to have her PlayStation 00:26:06.230 --> 00:26:10.630 back. But she has to learn. She did her homework. 00:26:10.769 --> 00:26:12.789 She gets to play Astro Bot. All right. Is she 00:26:12.789 --> 00:26:15.190 coming down here or is she taking it? Well, I... 00:26:15.190 --> 00:26:17.569 Can she come down and bring the hand down? I'd 00:26:17.569 --> 00:26:19.450 rather she didn't come down here. What about 00:26:19.450 --> 00:26:23.750 those vegetable things? Were they rolls? Samosas? 00:26:25.410 --> 00:26:27.250 Something's being made that's green. Give me 00:26:27.250 --> 00:26:30.750 it. I've had a tough day and I don't appreciate 00:26:30.750 --> 00:26:32.250 you shouting at me. You know what? I'm sorry. 00:26:32.390 --> 00:26:35.029 I'm sorry. You're right, Stevie. No, no, no. 00:26:35.130 --> 00:26:38.680 Have you killed your... little self yet. Because 00:26:38.680 --> 00:26:49.000 you don't have to do it. Michael, you know the 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:50.900 way we sit and watch all those friends across 00:26:50.900 --> 00:26:55.319 the road? Do you think we'll ever be friends 00:26:55.319 --> 00:27:00.740 like that? What did you say? Does it matter, 00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:04.059 Michael? I'll eat £500 worth of matcha latte. 00:27:04.890 --> 00:27:07.150 I need you to throw it at those three individuals 00:27:07.150 --> 00:27:10.529 in my car dealership. I'm on it. Michael, you 00:27:10.529 --> 00:27:14.130 stay reading your phone. Hmm? It doesn't matter. 00:27:14.650 --> 00:27:17.910 Alright. Hey. That's my friend Michael. Doesn't 00:27:17.910 --> 00:27:20.390 seem like a friend. What? Doesn't seem like a 00:27:20.390 --> 00:27:22.309 friend and I wouldn't know. He's busy reading 00:27:22.309 --> 00:27:44.710 Reddit. Back to Dunbracken is produced and edited 00:27:44.710 --> 00:27:48.829 by me, Conleth McVeigh. This episode featured 00:27:48.829 --> 00:27:54.309 Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Amelia Price, Niall 00:27:54.309 --> 00:27:58.190 McKenna, Jane McKeever, and Claire Thompson. 00:28:02.730 --> 00:28:04.869 The opening and closing credits were created 00:28:04.869 --> 00:28:06.809 by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire 00:28:06.809 --> 00:28:11.029 album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for 00:28:11.029 --> 00:28:13.029 listening. We look forward to welcoming you back 00:28:13.029 --> 00:28:14.450 to Dunbracken very soon.