Hi, I would like to audition to be the new kid
on the milk bottle because I'm going to be missing
soon. Okay. Don't ask me where I'm going. Are
your parents here? No, of course not. Oh, okay.
They would never let me do this. They think fame
corrupts people. Right, so where are you intending
on going missing? Well, it's a surprise, but
it's soon. Okay. Let's just say I need my payment
in cash. Ah, this is going to sound really bad,
but, you know, a lot of the children we have
on the milk bottles are quite, like, people care
about them. That's why they're on the milk. Do
people care about you because... No, but I thought
about this, okay? They don't care about me yet,
right? Okay. I can tell you, the way I go missing,
people, they won't sympathize, but they'll be
interested. Welcome back to Dunbracken. Doesn't
look anything like my son. Doesn't look a thing
like him. And it's like 40 feet tall. The proportions
are all off. You asked for a big billboard of
your son. And that doesn't look like my son.
We painted the picture exactly. I think it's
a really good likeness. Yeah, you give us a blurry
photo. We're going to do a blurry painting. Yeah.
Especially when it's scaled up like this. Yeah,
you gave us a photo that you were in focus and
your son was blurred. Yeah. We want you to find
him as much as you do. Yeah. Well, no one's going
to be looking for the right person now. They're
just going to be looking for our blurry boy.
Or you, because you're very in focus. You're
very in focus and you're very prominent in the
photo. Yeah, I didn't want me painted up on the
billboard as well. I just wanted it to be like
a close -up on his face. Well, you should have
cut him out. And it was blurry, so it's a fair
assumption that we were doing it. We did have
this conversation. We were like, which one do
you think he wants us to paint? And to be fair,
Carl, you did say that. it's more likely that
the small child was the son and that we had had
direct contact with the big man, so he probably
wasn't the missing one. Well, quite, because
you do want people to recognise the guy who's
looking for the son. Of course I'm not the missing
one. But also, there is the interest of identity.
We did consider this. We didn't want to show
the image of the child to a lot of people on
a large billboard. Yeah, like a doctor's office,
you know the way sometimes they won't say the
name, so now they'll say the deceased instead.
We were kind of working on that. They'll say
the deceased? They won't give the name? No, the
deceased. you know like hey chlamydia we're going
to deal with chlamydia now who's got chlamydia
the person has to stand up so they don't know
who it is you know oh it's good to know Yeah,
but now people will be like, I found a child.
Oh, you know who was missing a child? That huge
man on a billboard. Let's see if there's a family
resemblance. Yeah, people will look for you if
they find children now. Because we don't want
anyone going around finding your son, you know?
We don't want any creep finding your son. We
don't want any creep finding your son. We want
specific people. Designated finders. We want
people to be able to reverse engineer that it's
come from your family. Hey, there was a blurry
boy I remember seeing on a billboard far away.
Hey, wait a minute. Could this be that same blurry
boy? That looked like reddish auburn hair. Yeah.
Yeah, well, maybe at a distance it probably does
just look... Maybe the proportions look a bit
better. And also it's important for people, if
they identify the boy, to identify the adult
that the boy is with. That it needs to be returned
to. Because the child could be with an adult.
Yeah, and he probably doesn't have a collar.
We do need people to recognize that this is the
man that the boy is supposed to be with, not
anyone else. Yeah, we can't just bring this to
the police. We could get arrested for kidnapping.
We've had that conversation before. We have had
that conversation where the police have been
after us because we did hyper -realistic photos
of missing children on billboards. And so many
creeps were then on the lookout. So now we have
to be careful of the creeps. We're doing this
with your son's safety in mind, sir. The police
were some of the creeps. It was a very, it was
really tough for a while. I don't feel... You
can't have just anyone looking for your child.
Are we all in agreement? Yeah, we're all in agreement.
Right, sir? Yeah. Well, yeah, but I want them
to at least be looking for the right kind of
thing. For any child. For your kid is like a
needle in a haystack of children right now. How
many kids are missing? Not that many, but a lot
of kids are about. So I'll be looking at a kid
and be like, is that the blurry one? Maybe not.
No, that's fine. Granted, we haven't painted
him to scale, but we've painted him larger than
scale, so it's more identifiable. Hopefully people
won't think they have to return it to a 40 -foot
man. Well, quite. Or they're looking for a 20
-foot boy. That would be a problem. But that
would probably get the creeps away, because they'd
be like, no, he's overpowering me. I mean, think
about it this way, Sarah. All being well, this
painting isn't going to be up there for very
long, because we're going to find your son. Yeah.
Not us. No, not us. We've had that problem before.
Yeah, we don't look. We just paint. I appreciate
this. This is like a charity effort, but... Oh,
no, we... No, this is for profit. Yeah, you haven't
received our invoice? Yeah. That was a massive
billboard. I'd sat on the billboard for charity.
That was the last child that went missing. We
were looking for charity. You didn't even have
a picture. It just said for charity. We didn't
have a picture. We just had a name to go off
of. How many kids have you met in Dunbrak and
called charity? Four. Turns out there are four.
Yeah, I did get confused when we did have this
conversation. More than some adults, too. Seven
people in total. Can we take it down? No, it's
paint. Right, so do you know why I pulled you
over? Sir, do you know? Sorry, could you repeat
that, please? Sir! Are you aware why I've pulled
you over? I've got a couple of ideas, but I don't
want to spill the beans just yet. Your mobility
scooter is going awfully fast down the high street.
I know. I did the modifications myself. I thought
I was allowed to, though. You're not allowed
to mod a mobility scooter. Everybody knows that.
But I've put so much money into this thing. The
go -faster stripes. The big horn. The big horn?
It's quite distracting when you're going at 80
miles an hour down a pavement on a busy high
street on a Saturday morning. But if I'm going
that fast, how else am I going to get people
out of my way? I've got to honk my big horn.
Sir, you must think about the other elderly people
who you've hit. No, what do you know? As an elderly
person yourself, you should know. that you don't
want to be hit by a mobility scooter at 80 miles
an hour when you're just trying to go and get
your fry and have a nice little morning, have
a little pot around the shops, and then go back
home. Is that what you're wanting to do, sir?
No, but I was hoping that when they saw mine,
it might inspire them, you know, because we could
all meet up at night, like those Fast and the
Furious films. I understand the want to be an
inspiration. That's why I became. A police officer.
However, you cannot be going 80 down the pavement
that quickly. I really can understand that, sir.
And I think that would be lovely if we all had
mobility scooters. But there are, unfortunately,
kids in this town. So just be careful, because
I don't really want you to hit a kid. Those wee
kids are on their wee scooters. You can't even
hear those things. They're like ninjas. You should
be stopping them. And that is an issue. for the
police officers to worry about. Not you. And
also, they don't go up to 80. They go up to 90,
and that's quick enough. It's like the speed
of light. You don't even see them. I thought
I was helping you out, keeping those wee fast
young 'uns off the streets. That's why I put
these bars on the side of the scooter, to trip
them up. I can understand the want to take teenagers
out. By the shins. However, I don't think this
is appropriate on a Saturday morning when they're
just, you know, going about their business. They're
so annoying and I hate them. And I really wish
that you could go up in full speed on your mobility
scooter. But unfortunately, that's against the
law. If you deputised me, I could be above the
law. I could do the hard work that you can't.
Do you know what? Perfect. You're hired. Honestly,
there's a group of teenagers up that street.
Go at them full speed. Sorry, I don't mean to
bother you, but are you the masked elder? Who's
asking? I'm such a fan of your work. You taught
my grandkid Billy a lesson last week, but you
swept right under him when he was being mean
to his mother. And he's been... He hasn't said
a word since. That wee skidder had it coming.
He did. Would you mind signing my cane? I could
do you one better. Would you be interested in
becoming my ward? Every Batman needs his Robin.
Can I just jump in this sidecar you've attached
to your scooter? Of course you can. You can hop
on the back. Really? This is amazing. Thank you.
I really feel like I'm doing the community a
service. Let's get him. Um, George, I was just
driving home from the shop and I saw you on a
billboard and I can't believe I have to ask this.
Is our son missing? No, that's a celebration.
Okay. Where is he? The last time I saw him, he
was, um, He was having a nap? He's probably still
having a nap. I'm gonna need you to wake him.
Well, he was having a nap on a train carriage.
On a train carriage? Yeah, and then... Is he
still on the train? There's a good chance. I
would like to think so, because I think it'll
come back if he didn't get off. He loves trains.
I wanted to take him to a train. I know he loves
trains. It's all he talks about. I'm so sick
of it. Yeah, so to have him fall asleep so easy
for once, I can't... Okay, I... And the train
just started leaving. I thought it was defunct.
He's not missing. He's on a train. I know where
he is. But you don't know where the train is.
I will get a billboard off the train. I will
get a billboard off the train. Okay. Okay, can
I just have a little... Can I just get the pitch?
I just need the pitch because right now... You're
not selling it to me because... Okay, I don't
want to give away too much, okay? But... Oh,
God, and you're sick as well. I really don't
think we can put this on. They're going to think
their milk is diseased. Sickness is unrelated.
It will not show up in the pictures. Okay. Okay,
but you know the way that currently we're going
to have bulls run through the city? Yeah. Michael,
there you are. It is time to go. Oh, my God.
All of the preparations are ready. Is this your
dad? No, it's not. Don't tell my dad. I am not
this boy's father. He's my mentor. A business
transaction. Mentor, yeah. Yeah, but this is
a child. Can you do business transactions with
a child? That depends on whether this is a cash
business or... You got the cash, right? I'll
have it in ten minutes. Ten minutes? Okay, but
you haven't given me the pitch yet. This Spanish
man... No one cares about a child going missing.
With a child and twelve bulls going missing.
Right. Hang on. You told her the plan. I haven't
told her how they'll disappear yet. I feel like
I'm getting the pitch now. So you are going to
go missing with 12 bulls. Yes. So, okay, imagine
it. The bulls are running through the city, right?
They take a corner. But what's this around the
corner? None of the bulls are there. Just before
then, a child ran through the tunnel. Right.
They all disappeared. Where did they go off to?
No one knows. Magic? Is this a magic trick? It
would be ludicrous to tell. I want to be clear.
This is not an illusion. I will be missing. You
will? Okay. I will be missing. Do not be concerned
about lying to your... I am very concerned about
lying because what you're telling me is either
you're going to vanish with the bulls and then...
Are you making them disappear? Like, what's the
story here? We're all going to the same place.
Right. Okay. I can see the pitch. I can really
see what you're doing. But I'm not sure what
this has to do with milk. Because we... There
must be a mystery, James. In order for the not
illusion, we must have an audience. Imagine the
PR. Get a new kid. Mystery kid. You put it on
the milk bottles. No one knows who. And then,
mere hours after you print the milk bottles,
that kid disappears with 12 goals. Just like
that. So I'm meant to print this before you go
missing? Yes. Otherwise... Imagine the sales.
But these are for missing children. You know,
people come to us and be like, Hey, my child's
gone. That's mere hours before I go missing,
though. We're in Spain, donde esta, my kids,
you know, all that stuff. And I go, sure, I'm
just going to put it on your milk bottle. But
you haven't gone missing yet, and then you've
brought this man in. The man came by his own
volition. I am here for the money. But this feels
like theft. Are you going to, like, steal? You're
stealing the bowls as well. I'm not stealing
the bowls. We'll all be free together somewhere
else. We'll be in the exact same place. But,
like, how are you going to come back? I won't
come back. I'll be missing. Are you going to
kill this child? No, absolutely not. There is
no future business in killing clowns. You won't
be with me. We will send the boy and the bulls.
But you've been paid already. Not yet. We are
here for the cash. Well, I'm not going to give
the payment for you to kill this child and 70
bulls. But we will not be killing him. What I
have said is that he and the bulls will go to
the same place. It is only you who is holding
up this transaction. If you were to merely give
the boy the cash, the boy could give me the cash
and this entire thing would be settled. No? But
if I don't give you... I feel like if I just
don't give you the cash, then we're done. We're
done here. But then the boy does not get to live
out his dream of... It's not my dream. I don't
know the dream. It's not my dream. It will happen.
Guys, I don't know the dream. I can't see the
full vision because you're not telling me the
full vision here. We don't know what will happen.
I just know I'll be gone and I'll be with 12
bulls. 12 bulls? I thought it was 70 bulls. There'll
be 70 bulls running, but 12 of them will disappear.
I just need to know where you're going to be.
I rarely get this, you know. Kate, but why do
you need to know where the missing child was?
I rarely get to know where they are. So, this
is new for me. Is there a reward for finding
the child? That will be up to my parents, but
I can tell you there won't be. But also, you
don't get the reward before you go missing. Excuse
me, sorry to interrupt. My child's gone missing.
Okay, can you just give us a minute? Do you know
where they are? No, I don't know where they are.
If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be here.
Okay, and did any bulls go missing with them?
Thirteen bulls stole my son. Oh, son of a...
Thirteen bulls stole my son. It's because I threw
a rock at a bullock 13 years ago and I just knew
this day was going to come. Now, in my scenario,
the bulls will not be kidnapping me. This is
purely incidental. I will be escaping at the
same time the bulls are. The bulls are not to
be blamed for my disappearance. Well, that's
what... It's struggling because the milk tastes
awful. I'm not... Yeah. And it hurts the kids
being found. They don't want to be found by Milk
Bowl. I'm trying my best. That's a really mean...
That's a really mean thing to say for my... Yes,
okay, it's not very good milk. But, like, we're
trying our best. What would you rather I do,
lie to you? No! What? Is that how much they charge?
Can you... Can you put a picture of a train on
it? Yeah. Yeah, I guess... Okay, put it on a
train. It's like one of the old -style ones,
you know? That, like, someone would just, like,
hop on? Any train? Like a hobo train? Like a
what? Like a hobo train? Like a hobo would jump
on it? Yeah. God damn it! Hand over your badges!
Every last one of yours! Right, I'm going to
be honest, sir. They don't have badges. I drew
one. I've got a mask. That's gorgeous. He's got
a mask. Right, it was my idea, admittedly. To
deputise these two elderly people and bring them
along on a fucking rampage through town. Well,
you know, I think it was a good idea at the time
because there was a bunch of teenagers who were
being annoying. So, you know, we just went at
them full speed. A bunch of teenagers being annoying.
Really annoying. Really annoying. And they were
vaping, and they were going, and we were like,
oh, no. And we didn't stick around to see any
damages, so for all we know, everyone's still
fine. Everyone survived, I think. They were throwing
pogs, slammers. Just throwing them at people.
Remember pogs? Yes, I remember pogs. They were
doing a throwback, sir. They were doing a throwback.
Like, ironically, or are pogs back? I think it
was ironic. I think it was ironic. So actually,
it's quite rude to elderly people because that's
a throwback. We all love Pog, sir. I feel like
they were making fun of me. Maybe they were.
That's beyond the point. The point is that the
rule of law states that you cannot deputise people
on the street. But he is a mask. A mask makes
me above the law. A mask makes you above the
law. A domino mask. So hold on here. We're just
taking statements. From these two non -deputised
police officers that you... Well, they... I did
deputise them. Sorry, air quotation marks. Deputised.
I deputised them. Right. One of yous. Whichever
one of yous uses a cane, I assume. That'll be
me. Oh, brilliant. That was you. So, would you
like to retrieve your cane out of Mr McConnell's
arse? No. Oh, so you put it there on purpose,
did you? I'll be honest, Chief, it was a bit
of a blur. We were going so fast. It was like
I was jousted, but then it just kept going through
him. And he had it coming. Do you know how much
he charges for a newspaper nowadays at his wee
corner shop? How much? 129. 129? It says 79p
on it. Look, sometimes in the rough and tumble
of street justice, accidents are going to happen.
Listen, youse all might think me some fucking
desk jockey. Sitting back here. I used to be
out there. I used to be out there pouting the
streets. Shoving walking sticks up people's arses.
Gotta be done. Gotta be done sometimes. Now,
I'm going to give you a warning. Right? That's
all. But I don't want any more vigilantism. I
want you to be out there stopping cars for absolutely
no reason. Like you're supposed to. Oh, well,
right, sir. But, like, this has been probably
the best day of policing I've ever done. I've
loved it. I've loved every second of it. Technically,
you were a criminal, though. Well, you know,
I can't be a criminal. I'm in the police. What
was I going to do? Arrest myself? I don't think
so. I can hear it in your voice, Chief. I think
you missed that life. And look, with the best
officer on the force on the back, my ward here
in the sidecar, this other sidecar's looking
awful empty. I accidentally bought two spandex
outfits, sir. This one fits me snug, but this
one is just sitting cold and empty. I've got
a whole bucket of cane sitting on the back of
the scooter. What size is it? It's a large boys.
The beauty of spandex, it'll stretch, and it's
form -fitting. You look so good. I'll try it
on. It's all I can give you. I'll try it on.
No commitments, no commitments. It's fine. No
commitments, right. Just see how you feel, how
powerful you might feel. I'll take you for a
few wee laps around town. I'll sit here at the
desk. I'll just do that. Keep my seat warm. Give
me your badges. Give me your guns. You're a natural.
All right, give me five minutes. And it appears
that Thomas the Tank Engine has adopted him,
has abducted another child. Wait, adopted or
abducted? I'm sorry, I misspoke. I meant abducted.
Okay, because I thought it was going to be a
real feel -good afternoon for us. No. Like, finally.
Well, I don't think trains should have children.
Thomas, you know, Thomas is good. Okay, we'll
not get sidetracked by Thomas the Tank Engine
again. We've just got to find this bastard. Yeah,
yeah, I just can't keep getting away. We lose
so many children in this town. Sure, it's great
for the billboard industry, but for everyone
else... Yeah, but for the police like us? We're
struggling. Yeah, he's like the Pied Piper of
trains. He really is. Kids can't resist. Needs
to get it off the air. We need a win, you know?
And we could finally find a kid. If we could
find and slay Thomas the Tank Engine. If we could
find and slay Thomas the Tank Engine, this town
would be better off. Okay. I'll dress up as a
child. No. I have my giant lollipop already.
I'm going to veto this. Hear him out. Where are
you going to go? Down by the tracks. Don't stand
on the train tracks. I'm not going to stand on
the train tracks. I'll stand beside it. Pretty
close. Yeah, because if someone sees a small
child on the train tracks, they're probably going
to try and be a hero. Wait. I saw a 20 -foot
child earlier today. Surely that is enough to
bait Thomas. What? We could ask him if he can
see Thomas. He's got the height advantage. Oh,
I was going to use that as bait. Oh, that's good.
Because Thomas could see him from anywhere. Yeah.
What are you doing? Yeah, that was the theme
song. Oh, okay. It's the part before that. You've
been watching a lot of Thomas. He's been studying.
Sorry, do you think this board makes itself?
I've been trying to track this bastard. His movements
are unpredictable. Unpredictable? He's on a track.
So you'd think you'd know where to find him next.
And his six friends wouldn't say shit to us.
So I'm definitely not allowed to dress up as
a kid. Not as part of your official duties. But
if you want to go rogue and take down Thomas
on your own, we are meant to discourage vigilantes.
Someone's got to catch Thomas because we've failed
time and time again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow
will be the day we get him. You want to believe
in ourselves? I want to believe in us, but the
dressing up as a child idea, it's a real blow
to confidence. No, how do you think I feel? I
don't believe in myself now. Good. It's a bad
idea. What if we dress him as a sexy tree? I
don't understand what that is. I'm not asking.
Willow Thomas. You've never seen a sexy tree
before? Because I also have that costume sorted.
I don't want to see it. You have no choice in
the matter. What does that mean? This is why
I don't have confidence in us. We're constantly
threatening each other and our ideas aren't great.
Well, you haven't given a single idea yet. Oh,
wait, you did. You said about the kid. Oh, I
did not suggest using kids. Oh, you suggested
catching Thomas. Yeah. Catching and slaying him.
But it's easy to suggest that as an idea without
actually having a way to catch him. Anyone could
do that. Oh, I'm going to catch a criminal. Like,
yeah, okay, good job. We should probably get
on that at some point. Yeah, it's more, this
is more pressing. You know what? I'm not feeling
it. I'm just going to call the rest of the day
off. So we're not even going to look for the
kid? I just... I don't know. I'm in a funk now.
I just think... Oh, come on. 2 .30, we're going
to call it. We'll close... You can't keep getting
a case as lead detective, bringing us all in
after you've done so much work on the board.
Look at all that work you put in. You can't give
up now. I know. I just... One day we'll, you
know, finish a case. It's so much fun to start
a case. I always love starting new cases. It
feels great. There's optimism in the air. And
then once it comes, then finishing a case. It's
so much work. Sadness. There's so much like admin
stuff and you hit those roadblocks and I don't
want it. I didn't expect there to be so many
deaths in police work. Yeah, it's like starting
a costume. Like, I only got the lollipop. And
after that, I was like, surely the ideas will
follow. And the sexy train outfit, yeah, sure,
I've got a funnel on my head. That's about it.
Okay. So it was an empty threat. So you don't
even have... No, no, no, I'm naked, and it's
just a funnel on my head. Oh, right. See, if
we were after a human killer, you could wear
nothing, and that could be considered sexy to
a human. But I don't think a tree -in's going
to be interested in a sexy human with a funnel
on their head. Oh, no, the tree -in would think
I am a tree -in. Okay, well, I don't know how
to translate. We can't be afraid to use this
name. Don't think we were. Yeah, we said it several
times. Speak for yourself. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas.
Yeah, well, I'm saying I was a little afraid.
Maybe it's because I'm embodying this child so
much, I know that I could be abducted. Look,
if you get abducted, we'll pay the billboards.
We won't pay the billboards. Okay, we won't pay
the billboards. We'll get the milk bottles. Yeah.
We'll get the milk bottles. Well, I saw one of
the milk bottles, and it didn't even have a picture
of Thomas. It had a hobo tree. Oh, is there another
abduction? Oh no, these trains are running rampant.
I say we block the tracks. No more trains. We'll
get on that first thing tomorrow morning. Well?
What are you ragging? Oh my god. Look at you!
It's a bit snug around the midriff, but... You'll
burden that off in no time. You know, going that
fast. Sitting in a sidecar? Well, that's only
to get from A to B. I have never seen an ass
pop so much, sir. For real? That looks incredible.
Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you all, honestly.
So Pogs are back. Pogs are back. Street Justice
is back. And I want you all... I'm at this desk
now. I want you all out there. doing whatever
you need to do. You got it, Cap. Okay, this is
the best. This is the best thing I can do. We're
going to do a double milk billing. So your missing
child stolen by bulls can be on the milk cart.
Oliver. Yeah, okay, Oliver. His name is Oliver.
Yeah, Missing Oliver. And then you can be on
it. You can also be on it, but we're going to
need to do double billing. So you're going to
be side by side. Your name's going to be in the
same font, same size. My child needs the full
spread. He needs to be on the whole thing. He's
here. See, this is the issue we're having. This
kid is right here. I haven't disappeared yet.
I know. This is the issue we're having. Right.
Have you seen this man before? The Spanish man
before? Yes. This is my gardener. Was he and
Oliver quite close? Oh, yes. They'd play together
every day by the rose bushes. Every day. Right,
he's the one who stole your child. I can tell
you this now. A steal is an outrageous term.
This is not the way. It was a transaction. Have
you lost any money? Did Oliver steal any money
off you? Come to think of it, yes. Right, will
Oliver pay this man to go messing with some bulls?
You can have the full spread now because this
man has stolen your child. Absolutely nothing.
A transaction was put in place and if you wish
to have your money back, how much money was missing?
Two hundred... 1 ,000 dinero. This is a lie.
The boy, he paid me 17 euro 30 cents. There is
no way. You made a kid disappear for less than
20 euro? I have done many things, my friend.
And I will show you once more that I can make
a child disappear with not only 13 bulls, but
12. On Escort, are you interested in more bulls?
So you're going less? We're going less. You're
going less. Okay, so this isn't so much of a...
Sorry, are we talking about me? I suppose so,
yeah. I suppose you're going to go missing with
some bulls now. There's very little I can do.
This is the plan, though? I'm sorry. I thought
you merely supplied the bulls. I did not think
you were responsible for this in any capacity.
This is very disappointing. Oh, I see. So how
exactly would you disappear 12 bulls and also
yourself at the same time? We'll find out in
two hours and 45 minutes. So secrecy even from
me, your compadre, yes? I do not know myself.
I just, I can feel my soul being pulled that
way. I feel as though I am now on everybody else's
side, and you seem insane. You think that you
are going... They are not on your side! No, no,
no, no. I'm on none of your sides! You stole
my son! You stole my only boy! Relax, we are
on the same side. Relax! Now the boy is the enemy.
Relax! You will never cut bushes in my garden
again. From now on, you are persona non grata.
A whom? Persona non grata. Is that a surname
that is not my surname? It means... You're an
outlaw. Anything can be done to you. There will
be no recompense for you, Miguel. I see, Trevor.
And yet, despite our long history, exchanging
money and cutting topiaries and grass, you would
cast me out? Yes. You know what you did to the
boy. Why, Oliver and I? I threw my son at the
bull. He did? I threw my son at the bull. It
wasn't a stone at the boy. I just wanted to see
what would happen. And what happened was... He
got stuck on the horns. A little bit, yes. And
then? Then he befriended a different man. Not
his father, but the gardener. The gardener who
helped him off the horns of the bull. I pulled
him off. Okay, this feels weird now. This feels
very strange. That was genuinely the term I used
for lifting the boy off the horn of an animal.
Nothing darker than that. This... Okay, I'm going
to put neither of you on. I'm going to go with
little Anne, who has gone missing. Can you just
take a picture of me? And if I disappear, you
do with it what you want. Oh, fine. Okay. But
please do not give this man any money. And please
do not steal the town's bowls, please. I will
be where they are. So what do you want us to
change in it? Do you want to give us a photo
where he has some definition in him? And then
we can show everyone the kid that's been fined?
Fined! Now he's safe? Lil George. Fined. I just
want a picture of me. Hero. Hero. Hero, yeah.
What did you do? Yeah, it was the police department.
The police killed a tree and what did you do?
I got the billboard. I was on the milk bottle.
As in, I was on the milk, getting the milk bottles
done. Oh, you were on the job of getting the
milk bottles. I was active. You were giving work
to our rivals. I haven't heard any praise. For
me. The kid's being returned home. I deserve
some praise. Weren't you the one that lost him?
I attacked a very sexy train as well. I took
that on myself. Is that you that's in court for
almost killing an undercover cop during a sting?
Well, I didn't know it was an undercover cop.
I thought it was a sexy train. Yeah, I get it.
You were terrified as a father. Are you a father?
No, but we deal with fathers all the time. Yeah,
this is our business. Usually ones with a great
deal of panic. I thought it was like the billboards
are like your kids in a way. No, they're our
money. Your kids take money. You know, just because
people think differently doesn't mean you have
to get on like that. We're not getting on like
anything. I heard the disgust in your voice.
You shouldn't be like that around a hero. We
decide if you're a hero or not. Yeah, we're the
one with the paint. We're the tastemakers of
this town. We put up billboards. We sign paint
them and we can paint whatever we want it to
say. So we're hero. Hero. £2 ,000 and you can
be whatever you want. No, £2 ,500 and you can
be a hero. I wish you could just take that money
and actually make a change in yourself in real
life, not on a billboard. Well, you probably
could. Yeah. Like hire a personal trainer. You
seem like a... Trainer? I'm sorry, I didn't mean
that. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.
You could hire a lawyer for your court case.
I mean, you seem like a well -to -do guy. You're
able to spend this money on a billboard. Just
write lawyer needed on the billboard. Because
have a lot of people been coming up to you with
missing children? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I figured
that might happen. Yeah, I don't want that. I'm
glad that the kids have been found, but they
come to me and I'm like, I don't know this. Get
out of my way. Back to the tracks. You know what?
We'll put your blurries on in a little suit and
say lawyer needed. That's nice. So then if people
find lawyers, they'll bring those lawyers to
you. Do you have a height requirement for your
lawyer? Just because of the scale. I don't discriminate.
Okay, cool. 20 foot lawyer. 20 foot lawyer. Show
chief. You settling on a name yet? You gotta
have a vigilante name. We gotta introduce ourselves
when we ride up to these wee youngins. Maybe
it'll come to me in a moment. Slow down a bit
now. Okay. You. There. Youngins. Who are you
looking at? Use? Usance? Listen to me. My name
is Captain Rust Bubblegum, and I'm here to fuck
yous up. You're doing great. You're doing great.
What? You and what army? Me? What are you going
to do? Yeah, me army. That's right. The bandit?
Oh, no, it's the fucking Owl Mask or something.
That's right. The Owl Mask. I actually prefer
that to what they were calling me before. That's
actually a better name, to be honest, yeah. All
right, Owl Mask and Captain Rust Bubblegum. I'm
going to ram a fucking walking stick up your
arse. Get away from me. Give me your pogs. Get
away from me. Give me them. Give me those here.
That's well you. You can't take our pogs. Yeah,
and I can see his dick in that spandex. Nice
arse, though. Nice arse. Yeah, it's a very nice
arse. You've got a really nice arse, sir. Thanks,
guys. Back to Dunbracken is produced and edited
by me, Conleth McVeigh. This episode featured...
The opening and closing credits were created
by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his entire
album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for
listening. We look forward to welcoming you back
to Dunbracken very soon.