Hello. This is just a very quick note to say
that this show is available on YouTube. There's
a full 4K video recording of this show. It looks
incredible. The Accidental Theatre did a fantastic,
fantastic job recording it and streaming it.
You can listen to it here, but I would highly
recommend watching it in all its glory on YouTube.
If you just type in Back to the Bracken live
show, it'll come up. Or you can look in the show
notes and there'll be a link to it there. Thank
you very much and enjoy. Council meetings, that's
a nicer response to start with. It's nice. I
mean, I have heard a round of applause before.
Many, many. Quite louder than that as well. Yes,
for those of you who don't know, this is Colonel
Marzipan. I'm sure you've seen me in a couple
of roles. I am Dermot Green. I'm a florist in
the town. I'm not currently opening. My florists?
Doesn't mean that you're not a florist. Doesn't
mean that I'm not a florist. Yeah, I don't want
to get into it. I might, but I don't want to.
I suspect you will get into it. Ah, we'll see
what happens. Do you want to know? No, I don't
want to. I'm Steffi Bunting. I've been around
for a few centuries, so... Hang out with these
guys. Centuries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm older
than you, Rosemary. And Rosemary, you're old,
so. We cannot get into guessing my age again.
Last time I was accused of being born in the
19th century, and that feels unjust. Amateur
art. But it's around then, right? The turn of
the 19th century, perhaps? Are we rounding up
or down? You're about a hundred years old. No
matter what way you round it, you're wrong. Well,
you're my landlady, so I'm gonna stop pushing
it, I think. At this point, it won't make a difference.
I will get my rent. I don't have my shop open
and I don't want to talk about it. You really
seem like you do want to talk about it. No. How
will you make your rent? Can you talk about that?
I have an idea. It's very exciting. So I can't
get into the shop currently. That's where the
flowers are. But... Are you closed because you
physically cannot enter your shop? I don't want
to talk about it. There's locks. There's a past
due notice. I don't know. I don't want to talk
about it. Is the new idea related to flowers,
at least? Yes, I want people to come to my window
and pay to see flowers. But we can do that without
paying. Well, that's what the... Be a little
sad. It's okay. I was voted the 22nd most eligible
bachelor in the town. I'm looking up. Do you
know where I came in that list? Was I featured?
I'm trying. You were number two. Who was number
one? They left it anonymous. They said after
what happened last time it wasn't safe to reveal
the identity anymore. I only played a small part
in that. You pushed him off a ledge. Granted,
it was a small ledge. A small ledge. And you
claimed it was performance art. Exactly. A stunt.
We can ensure everyone tonight that we will not
be pushing you off the ledge tonight. Is that
true, Colonel? I could show a pratfall. Oh! Wait,
wait. That was nothing, honestly. Give them what
they want. That was the first rule that I learnt
at theatre and dramatics. So are you offering
classes now as well as just directing the winter
play? And offering therapy, I guess, as well?
Oh yes, yeah. He's my therapist. I am a bit of
a coach. I've been doing better. Things were
bad for a while. Well, they still are. But my
outlook on them is not doing better. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Take that back. In what aspect do
you feel you're doing better? My outlook on my
unfortunate situations. You described as unfortunate.
Yeah, I know, but my outlook on them is pretty
rosy. And despite that, he has great posture
now. I cannot argue with that. Is it good outlook
if you just refuse to get into anything, though?
Or is it just avoidance of the issue? We're working
on it, don't we? The bottle is deep and the well
is smaller than the bottle. Because it's a deep,
deep well. That, believe it or not, is one of
my quotes. It's a deep well. So should we start
the meeting or? Yes, by all means, go ahead.
Yeah, well, thank you all for coming. We apologize
again for last month. It couldn't have been helped.
Yeah, it wasn't great. A double booking is a
double booking. Yeah. Only one person is at fault
for that and it wasn't any of us. No. Oh, before
we get into anything also, there are four other
members of the council who aren't here today.
And because they're never here, they have once
again agreed to give all deciding votes in their
favour to the Colonel. As they do every month.
So if we're split down the middle, the Colonel
gets four votes. But don't worry, I will be faithfully
representing them. Before we get into any of
the matters, can we maybe... ourselves take a
vote on if they should continue for another meeting
and another month? I mean we can take a vote,
but I suspect I know the outcome. I think it's
still within our freedom to be able to ask for
that. Go ahead. I would like my voice heard.
Are we voting for or against? I'm for it, personally.
You want the Colonel to have No, I'm for us having
equal votes. I want my voice heard. Great. All
in favour? Aye. All opposed? Undecided. It's
erring on the side of... Okay, so that's four
noes and three yeses, so... Better than last
time. Okay, that's fine. So should we get on
to the first... And I apologize for voting against
you last time. Yeah, we finally had it. He was
delirious on opium, and we finally had it. That
was a very unfortunate time in my life, I've
got to say. And the fact that I was allowed to
sit at the council while high... We did try and
have a vote, but again... You got us in your
therapy that week? Fantastic. Okay, just that
week? Interesting. Well, it's always, no, it's
always good. I'm sorry. Shall we begin? Yeah,
I don't want this to come back next week. Is
this going to be a problem for me? Not right
now. Would you like to take the first question?
Yes. Would that cheer you up? Yes, it would.
That's great. I love getting to be a part of
things. So our first, I believe the first on
the agenda was Agatha Jones wanted to speak about
her fence around the community garden, I believe.
Is Agatha Jones here? Her fence around the community
garden already. Agatha, you're here? Yes. I would
just like to complain that the gaps in the fence,
they're not big enough for the frogs to get through.
The gaps in the... Why do the frogs need to get
into the garden? Shouldn't we be keeping them
out? No, if the frogs are in the garden, they'll
eat the slugs. And then my plants won't get eaten.
Your plants. It is a community garden. Yes, but
my plants are a part of the community. And I'm
just trying to stand up for the rest of the members
of the community. And I would like to finally
speak about the gaps in the fence being too small.
I am just concerned, given that it's your fence
surrounding the garden, you might be taking full
ownership of the garden. How many other members
of the community garden are there? Just for reference.
What, do I have to answer that? Yes. Well, at
the moment, they're mostly my plants. That wasn't
the question, I'm sorry. It was how many people.
How many people? At the moment... No, myself.
Just myself. Right. So we're using community
liberally? No, well, if people fill out the forms
that I left at the front of the community hall
and they apply via those application forms, I
will grant them if they meet the conditions to
use the community garden. It's not that 80 -page
form with the £2 ,000 entrance fee. Yes. Have
you applied? I have not. No, I have my own card.
Thank you very much. I wanted to. Well, I haven't
received your form yet, but once I receive the
£2 ,000 and your completed 80 -page form, I will
consider. Slightly off -topic from Agatha's query.
If I didn't want to be a part of the community
garden, but I wanted to avail of the community
produce and fruit and vegetables, is that permitted?
Because it's for the community. You want to buy
some of the produce. Okay. My query is answered.
Could I buy some of the frogs? Is that an option?
I do not own the frogs. Good question, though.
Who? does own the frogs if we can find out maybe
we can make a small purchase i i just wish to
reiterate that just because we're in a town council
does not mean we own the animals living within
the town of course of course but we do have funding
and what else would we uh put it to i have tried
to um Put on many productions with the funding.
You haven't tried. You have put on many productions
with our funding. But none have really reached
the apex, the pinnacle of what I want. Youse
wouldn't know. Don't worry. Someday, though.
An army of frogs, maybe. Agatha, would you like
to make the holes bigger? That's what I want.
I want the frogs to get in to eat the slugs in...
the community garden. Yeah, it's your, it's your
fence. It's your fence. Make the holes bigger.
It seems like a commercial enterprise, brother.
Wouldn't really matter, to be quite frank. I
didn't pay for the fence. Well, I... The fence
was sitting... Look, I would just like someone
from the council to come and remove some of the
slats off the fence so that the frogs can get
in. Can you help me with that? But then, as soon
as you've removed some of the slats, then surely
foxes and all sorts will get in. Frogs will be
the least of your problems. Slugs will be the
least of your problems. That's why we should
measure the fence. Oh, God. Okay. Okay, yeah,
I'm free most of the time because I don't have
a shop anymore. I could come and just make holes
in your fence. That's my problem. Yes. Yes, will
you? Yeah, no, I'm saying, yeah. Sure, all in
favor? Can I? Really? Really? If we can find
out in due course who owns the frogs, I will
approve. Well, in my working there, I think I
can make contact with them and... Then yes. So
you wish to buy three thousand frogs? Yes. I'm
gonna need to see a license. I need to know you're
not doing a plague. Jasper. That's a lovely name.
Oh, thanks. My mum. Your mum was called Jasper?
Yeah, I'm Jasper Junior. Oh, that's beautiful.
All right. Everything seems to be in order. Oh,
hello. What's up? Don't touch the frog! He hasn't
been prepared! Listen, everybody thinks you just
get 3 ,000 frogs and you say, off you go, off
you go. But each one needs to be instructed.
Each one needs to... You don't understand ecosystems.
And, by all accounts, you're not licensed. You're
messing around with blood. Frankly, sir, you
don't understand how business works. Maybe I
don't know how business works. But I know how
a frog works. A frog doesn't know sin. A frog
only knows... A frog only wants to be a frog.
A frog only wants to do right by the pond. Why
are you doing this? Why do you need... First
question. Why do you need 3 ,000 frogs? Well,
I look into his eyes. Look into Minerva's eyes
when you say what you're doing. I've been a bit
lonely and I think if I kiss 3 ,000 frogs maybe
there's a chance one of them will turn into a
perfect freak. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your
loneliness. engaged in an erantic relationship
with a frog. Do you know why? Because they're
already in an erantic relationship with each
other. Oh, three thousand! Oh, three thousand!
You know, Remedyn, that's just them kissing each
other goodnight. Oh! That's all I want! Yeah,
well, do what I do and pull on the costume. Has
anyone seen my fireflies? We're gathered here
today to say goodbye to two beloved... Anthropopos...
Beloved. Beloved. Flies. Fireflies. Fireflies.
Sorry, I realised that wasn't the word. They
were my best friends. Well, they wouldn't say
that. They were best friends with each other
and I was there. But you know, whenever they
would have a lapse in judgment, sometimes I felt
like I was the third wheel for a moment. That's
a very understandable song. The ambulance is
too late. I mean, just unburden yourself for
me. I could have turned into a human person,
but I didn't like the look of them, so I didn't.
When they kissed me, I didn't turn into a human
person, even though I was supposed to. And I
could, but I didn't want to, and I feel bad.
No one's supposed to do anything. Don't you worry.
They're not your type. They're not your type.
Okay. How did you meet this person? They appeared.
They appeared at the ball. and they kissed a
lot of my siblings first and then they made their
way to me. Did your siblings change? No, they
can't. Just me. Just you? Just me. You wouldn't
want to be going around with someone who goes,
you know, hangs around ponds, picking up stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Kissing any frog. You're better than
that. Yeah, because they don't know and I feel
bad that I was just, maybe they were unlucky
in love. Maybe they were unlucky in pond love.
You wouldn't want to be bringing that bad luck
onto yourself because quite frankly, they sound
a bit, you know, a bit odd. So, Father, in your
opinion, have I not sinned? I don't think so.
To be honest, I don't know if we as girls have
the concept of sin. You know that one that you've
got to cut the holes in the fence on the side?
Yes. cutting him -sized holes in the fence. Yes.
Must be new. Yeah. That's what I told him to
do. Well, they're only sized for him. But he's
rather large. We could walk through it as well.
Sure, but does that not set a precedent for the
neighbourhood? Friendliness. I think it's inclusivity,
but in the bad way. Look at this fence. Only
people of this size can come through. But he
is... There are bigger people in the town, though.
Do you think I'd put my foot on it, man? I think
you're getting cancelled. Go sideways. Can you
go sideways? No, you cannot go sideways. Jerry,
don't get involved. If you want to get into the
garden, you must be this shape. No other shape
permissive. Permissive? Oh, God. I fought all
that training I did as the entryway keeper. Very
niche course. Jerry, we need to get to work.
I'm at work. Let me have a look. How late you
gonna be? Can I squeeze past, man? Like I've
got a train coming. Are you that sheep? Take
a look at this sheep. Yes, I'm that sheep. I
go through it every day. I hate that you do.
I just want to try one more time, okay? Yes.
We've got you, man. You've got this. Sad, really.
Sad. Good luck to you tomorrow. Do you want me
to pass a note through? Yeah, can you just tell
Gemma that, um, hang on. Yeah, so I think next
on the list was Mr. and Mrs. Filson? Was that
correct? Was it Mr. and Mrs. Filson? Yes. Yeah,
they wanted to talk about... Sorry, it was Mr.
and Mrs. Phil and the song. Phil and son. That's
good because I think their problem was with their
son. Yes. I believe it said he always gets picked
last for PE. Ah. Are Mr and Mrs Phil's? Phil?
Yes. Yes, sir. We're here. Do you want to start,
Pep? Well, thank you very much, darling. So,
our son. The PE teacher, he doesn't like him.
He just doesn't like him. Why? It's his legs.
They're very thin. They have been forever. They've
always been thin legs. And this PE teacher, well,
he won't drop it. He will not let the boy just
be a part of the class. It's tearing him apart.
Which PE teacher is it, might I ask? The tall
one. He's got long hair. I like long hair. Oh,
the Swedish fella? Yes, him. Oh, I didn't know
he was... I don't go to the meetings, so I don't
know his name. That's fine. None of us do. We
cannot renounce it. I'll just say, you, you,
stop it, stop it. But he doesn't. Wait, during
the PE classes? Yes. I've tried to talk her down
a couple of times now. They've changed the seating
arrangement, you see. At first, you could pick
wherever you wanted to sit and there was no bother.
But now, ever since yourself, love, now, we're
not bringing it up here, of course, we're not
bringing it up here, but... She's been going
buck mad at these meetings, so she has. Running
up to try and get a hold of them. And I've had
to tear her back down to the back of the hall.
So these are the school meetings, the monthly
AGMs. You're not going to your child's class.
Parent -teacher meetings, this isn't during class.
You're not monsters. No, my husband goes to the
meetings. I go to the classes. So, what I get
in beforehand, you just climb the rope and you
wait at the top so I can see what's going on.
And then when he does something wrong, I say,
Oi! Stop it! But he doesn't. He never does. We
have had complaints that a PE hall is haunted.
I think I've found a source of that. Oh no, it
is haunted. I've seen things in there. I know
the people. No, they're not in the PE hall. They're
in the canteen. Oh, I don't go to the canteen.
No, they don't serve anything I like. I hear
it's for the children. Have you considered bringing
this up with the PE teacher? Well, I haven't
been able to get a word in with him edgeways.
Every time I do, he's all... Have you tried a
monologue? Have I tried a monologue with him?
Well, no, I haven't now. Do you reckon that if
I became sprightly enough to get up that rope
myself, that I could deliver it from the rafters?
Why are you going up the rafters? No, no, let
him do it. This is good state. How are your catfalls?
Well, how long? Thank you, love. I don't know
how we solve this. I don't think this is an issue
for us. Firing. Yeah, so I'm enjoying the job.
really know how to say my name. Well, how hard
is it? Mr. Shushun Mushundushu. Shushun Mushundushu.
Look, I will tell you that we did consider just
calling you Mr. Shu, but I'm afraid it's got
a bit of a bad association. No, I don't. Shu,
no. I don't like it. I mean, this wasn't quite
why I arranged this dinner. But I like it. I'm
glad. It's good to hang out with you. We've had
some... You put onions in your potatoes? Why?
I don't know, but I like it. For fun. Just for
fun. And we've had a few letters from parents
saying things like, stop it. And we assume they're
directed at you. They write letters? Yes. About
me? Yes. We weren't sure that they could write,
so it's quite pleasing. But they seem to think
that you have an issue with some of the kids,
the width of their legs. Oh, their legs? Yes.
Big, big issues. There's a delivery here from
Simon and Schuster. Oh, that is perfect. That
is from me. Oh, can you check the label? Just
say the name on the front of the label. Simon
and Schuster. Ikea is closing in five minutes.
Please make your way to the exit. I have to eat
faster! Wow! You people! So glad you brought
me here to the sauna. Sauna! The culture of it.
Sauna. You should probably, you know... Should
I be... Is this not... That's too much. A business
suit. I don't know. Go on. You'll be fine. Look,
everyone else is in the nude. Look! I'm gonna
put some more steam on. Here we go. Good work.
Well no, I can't see anyone. I don't know where
to look. Can't see this newspaper. Just disassociate.
You're not here to look at people. Just imagine...
You're blind. To be clear, we don't forbid it.
You can look if you want, but don't touch. You
can touch. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to spook
you. Oh, you're fine. I'm here to investigate
the haunting of this, what do you call this,
gymnasium? Yeah, I heard bad things about it.
I'm just a janitor. Go away! He said, go away.
Go away? You got enemies here? Quite rude. Sometimes
ghosts can be rude, so can humans. It's crazy.
You wouldn't think it transfers. You'd think
you'd get to, like, heaven or something, and
you'd think you'd, like, find some kind of peace
and some kind of nice. Evan Schmevin. Let me
tell you something, kid. How old are you? 42.
Nice, nice. What's he saying? I'm not sure. You
ever seen anything like floating around in here?
Cans, fizzy drinks? Balls? Balls like soccer
balls, footballs? Of their own volition they
float around. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just
the kids. The kids float around in this hall.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You seem
real edgy about this entire conversation. I'm
normal. I don't know what you're saying. He's
not normal. He's not normal. No. This enemy of
yours across, do you guys, listen to me. It feels
like, I've been to counseling recently. My wife
and I, we had some troubles, ghosts aside. It
feels like, you might have some issues with this
guy. This ghost investigating is ruining our
marriage. I agree. Keep looking for the dead
when they're living around here. It has only
been your passion when I suggested marriage counseling.
I've never heard you talk about it beforehand.
And I thought about it a bunch. I read books.
Remember I watched that show with your guy Derek
Okora in it? I don't know. We don't watch shows
together anymore. But you seen that I was watching
it on my phone in bed. I had it turned landscape
and the little AirPods in. Yeah, you turned away
from me. I said we need to talk and you turned
to the side and put in headphones. I'm still
charging for this session. Listen, I understand
we got our problems, but why the council got
to be so fucking far away from us? It just makes
us feel disconnected. I like to walk around!
You know that about me! Exercise, exercise. I
like to pee when I'm frustrated. And the couch
gets in the way. It was your idea to move it
into the middle of the living room. I said we
should have had it with its back against the
wall. The middle is ideal. I could circle it.
I can circle it. I don't have a chance to see
if she's in the wood yet. I wouldn't be into
it. I'm the one who killed her. It's why she's
haunting me. Are you so mad about that? I can
see everything all the time. I was right to kill
you. Don't grab my shoulder like that. She's
kind of done a lot, okay? I promise you, she's
not the same as she used to be. Oh, now she's
taunting me. Put down half the couch, please.
Put it down in the middle. Oh, this. She doesn't
need to see this. Listen, we could make a little
business arrangement out of this. You can go
through walls and stuff, right? Yeah. We're struggling
with money, baby. I can go through anything,
baby. Just don't flirt directly in front of me
in our marriage counseling session. So next up
we have Georgina who is taking issue with the
fact that her fake driver's license has been
confiscated. Georgina, it's Georgina. Hello.
Hi. I am very angry. I am 69 years old and I
should be able to drive. I've only hit it, you
know, I only hit the lamppost, not the children.
Why did they take it off me? Because you hit
the lamppost and you were near children. I mean,
a number of things you just said. But it was
a good fake. It was a good fake. It was a good
thing. We're not denying Mr. Comonicinical's
work. It is fantastic. I went to the same place
my granddaughter did and she gets in everywhere.
Yeah, she's allowed to drive. No, to the clubs.
She had that when she was 16 and I had to pick
her up nine times from six different clubs. She
gets in anywhere. Okay, but the issue is you
were more drunk than she was. I only hit the
lam - I'm allowed. Okay, we need to go over this
for the 45th time. We cannot overwrite laws.
Why not? What's the point of you if you can't
overwrite laws? Good point. Was it confiscated?
because it was found out to be a fake or was
it confiscated because of your reckless driving,
Georgina? No, no, it was a bit of both. I didn't
hit the lamppost this time. I nearly hit the
child, but I just hit their backpack. So I just
hit the backpack. The child was fine. The backpack
was a write -off. I don't know the physics behind
hitting a backpack and not the child. Was the
child wearing the backpack? Yeah, he was wearing
the backpack, yeah. So you just hit the backpack
and spun him at 80 miles an hour? I was going
so fast, it just sort of tore to fucking pieces.
So you sort of soldered it off, is how you speak.
Yeah, I did. Yeah, soldered is the right word.
Soldered, did you say? No, soldered. So, we give
the license back? Is that what we're saying?
We cannot vote without over -writing laws! This
is nasty bit of work. This backpack's been obliterated.
The other guys found the straps in a bin two
miles away. nutrition for 20 years but I can't
do anything until this kid stops spinning I mean
I've seen cases of this where kids were like
this for 20 years all their classmates they went
to uni it's like it's like Snow White that's
the one we've got our very own Snow White here
yeah Stephen Goody that's the one not Snow White
you can't like interfere in any way If you interfere,
the kid would just break in half like a Lego
minifig. And this thing would be like helicopter
blades. It'd be ricocheting around the town and
we'd have more deaths on our hands. But how are
you getting on with the backpack? Well, it's
the fourth one this month. Do you ever think
our jobs are at different levels of importance?
No. No. You're a paediatrician. Your job is very
important. Actually, I know the other way around.
like you know there's nothing you can do for
the backpack and the kid will probably when it
comes to whenever it comes to well sure there's
nothing i can do for this backpack but if we
find the patterns we can find the person who's
doing this and we can save backpacks down the
line yeah this is very important work any patterns
so far well yeah there's been four of them it's
been a month oh the kid stopped ah well this
can happen 10 minutes earlier Listen, I told
you, I'm not going to take on another job. It's
just two p .m. It's just two p .m. Got a letter
through. Yeah. From NASA. From NASA? Yeah. They
said that they are interested in adding a pediatrician
to the next rocket launch. Said they wanted to
kind of grind it with sort of a normal, chill
person being on the flight? They don't want me,
they want the spinning kids. They know that wherever
I go, a spinning kid will surely follow, like
a... like a dervish. Like a... Keep in there,
Jimmy, you're all in wrong. driver's license,
euros, pounds, Polish zlotki. Yen? Zlotki? Zlotki.
Polish zlotki. Yep. In case they ever bring a
currency back. Okay. We've got your key rings.
Just in case you do take the keys. Backdoor key,
frontdoor key, and the safe key. So, that's your
go bag. Thanks, Dad. So you'll be ready to go
to the shops. Mr. C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C
-C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C
-C -C -C -C And she's having just an easy bit
of trouble with vehicles. The bastards took it
from me. Bring her in, bring her in, set her
down. The bastards took it from me. Oh, where
are you going? We'll get you a backdrop. You
can do it now. I'm sure I'll be back. Thanks,
bye. Okay, take the photo. Can I spray it, yeah?
We normally try to go a bit more neutral for
the photos. Okay, I can do that, I can do that.
You're so beautiful, Granny. I hope I look like
you when I'm nine to twelve. You won't, your
father's ugly. God, I thought it was walk. No,
I didn't realize how to do it. Smile there, smile
there. There we go. There she is. There she is.
75 today. I am gonna get ripped tonight. Are
you ready? Oh, yes. Are you ready? You wee young
lassie. 68 you are yourself. Let's start baby
Guinness. Baby Guinness? Then let's do two baby
Guinness. Quack, quack. Two ducks. Twenty -two.
Nope. Twenty -two ducks. Mr. Marzipan, sir. Colonel.
Colonel Mr. Marzipan, sir. All these old people
smell of what I think beer smells like. You would
be correct. It's not just beer. Colonel must
have used it. Have yous born sloppy? Or did not?
No, we have the overture to Priscilla, Queen
of the Desert. Have ye got Grand Slam or cash
in the attic? I'm sorry, I've moved on to a question
now. It's just like the town council. I drew
a picture of 22 ducks. Do I win? Two little ducks!
I'll take that as a no. I don't have any ducks
in mind, just numbers. You know, I don't have
to do this. I don't have to. Is the prize for
anything a bottle of water? If you get a full
house, you can have, you can go out to the water.
I have a full house. Well, go out to the water
for a minute. No, I meant that. Why didn't you
call it? Or did you? But you didn't project.
No, I meant that. Like home, I have a nuclear
family and all the bedrooms are filled. I live
under the floors. That's a rat! Bobby! I'm here
again! Tiny! I think it's here again. The signs
are back. Don't be silly, son. It's all right.
That's just the house settling. The sides are
bad though, I know there's shit in the sides.
It's just an old building. Oh fuck, my wallet.
safe in this house anymore. Nonsense. I want
to go back to our old house, the one that was
bigger. And I want you to get your old job, the
one that paid better. I'm just trying to be a
good dad. You can't have your job back at the
middle of. Why not though? Because it's mine
and people love me there. I knew those numbers
too. Don't slow clap. Congratulations. I'm gonna
take you down. Do you know how many people have
tried to take me down? Armies, waves of people
have tried to take me down. And I hid. And they
will not find me. If you come for me, I will
hide until the end of my days. And when you think
my days are over... And in the time that you're
hiding, I will run bingo. Good luck getting attendance.
Why would anyone say that? You have a lot of
jobs. Is that a problem? It is a little bit,
given that we fund the bingo hall. And your place.
And your various consultant jobs. Everybody benefits?
Dermot doesn't. Can I have one of them? He comes
to me for therapy. He benefits. Yeah. Do you
think it's working? Pratfall. Pratfall room.
You don't have to do that. You'll gain sympathy.
Forget about it. Forget about it. It was the
perfect room and you didn't do it. Kick some
direction! I'm sorry. I just feel like a therapist
shouldn't be shouting at you. Only when I'm bad.
And also, I am not playing the role of therapist
right now. Yeah, but I feel like it's a, you
know, client confidentiality, the fact that we
even know that you're in counseling with the
Colonel, and that you discuss things outside
of your sessions. Oh no, he live streams them,
so it's fine. Oh, so you're a streamer as well?
No. He just puts it online. Not yet. We'll keep
an eye on that. I mean, we can, but I feel like
we can't stop him. People have tried to stop
me before. And I will hide. Yes, we all know
you hid in every war you've ever participated
in, from every conflict you've ever encountered.
Up in the gods. That's the only clue I know.
You're haunting the P .E. hall. I wish I would
make it my own. Do we have another question?
Yeah, I think that Father Huberp is here today.
Ah, my favourite. Your favourite? My favourite
of the fathers. You have a favourite priest?
Do you not? I have a least favourite, but I don't
have a favourite. You know what? I do have a
favourite. I'm sorry I was so judgmental. You
can change. We can all change. Just as I change
form when I take on a different role. Well, Father
Hubert was complaining that people weren't giving
enough to collections in the past few months.
Outrageous. Father, where are you? Oh, over here.
Good afternoon, and God bless yous. God bless
you. I do the blessing here, son, alright? I
apologise, I did not mean to step on your toes
there. I'll see you in confession, alright? I
confess to a different priest. I also don't think
you're supposed to see people that way. You're
not, which is why I confess to a different priest.
Ideally you shouldn't see anyone when you're
confessing. But also, ideally you'd see more
money in the collection plates. Of which there
has been scants. What is the issue? I see us
all driving around in these fancy cars, buying
chicken wraps from the marriage. Having your
lights on before twilight. God can still see
you then. I mean, I personally don't know if
I can visit any church around for fear of, you
know, being taken away from this earthly state
that I'm currently in. We have PayPal. There's
a wee contactless machine in the basket until
it was sold. So you can just PayPal me. Okay,
well maybe if you were to ever bring the basket
outside of the church grounds, then maybe we
could... Well, can't do that. The seagulls sweep
down. Between them and the magpies, there's nothing
left. So that we can get a better understanding
of the issue, how... If you can disclose how
much money are you receiving and how much money
would you like to receive in the weekly collections?
At present, according to my figures... Hold on,
where's my accountant? Yes? She was asking how
much per week. Um, like gross or net? What would
you prefer? Whatever figures you have, to be
honest. Would they not be identical figures?
Either way, it's about 50p all in. A 5 -0. I
don't have anything for that in the hall, but
people get the point. It's 50. It's 50. You're
a slippery one. That's why you're my best ninja.
Now, you have two options. Because obviously
this is all there. I'm gonna be at the table,
off the books. Of course. In the mind of the
seer. Listen, you're getting paid. But do you
want your money gross? Or do you want it in the
net? Why would I want gross money? I want clean,
crisp money. Well, that's what you think you
want. Oh, there it is. That's gross. That's just
a burlap bag full of, eh, a sort of change. But
there's like gung and stuff in it. Well, there
might be gung, there might be things that have
sentimental value to you, and of course... Uh
oh. It slipped through the holes. No, wait, no!
I can see it's my mind though. You could have
someone gravel it. What? Can I have one minute?
Can I have one minute? Of course. No, don't fucking
tell. and Hansel and Gretel it. That's why the
don't -joes making no money, is people just keep
following the trails out. You're doing a great
job, Harry. I'm sorry, it's just, I hate to see
the money lying around. I'm worried the bagpipes
get to it. I won't serve bagpipes in my shop.
I don't care if they've got currency. Look, I
keep telling you, bigger denominations, the money
won't get through. But the net looks so empty.
I mean, just three notes. It hardly feels worth
it. Please don't leave the dojo. Father Grant?
Yeah? Why? I've just been feeling kind of weird
lately, I guess. I've been, um... I've been having
some other communion wafers in church and...
Just got me feeling some kind of way or some
kind of... Bert, Bert, we can't eat those. Why?
Bert, they make us look slow. It's like the wedding
rice. It's like the rice from the weddings. You
only had a little bit though, right? You only
had a little bit? getting back into it. Does
that include any times that we're not... Excuse
me! Please finish, my child. I sneezed. She sneezes
weird. That's sort of one of the reasons we're
here. We kind of think she might have a demon.
Brilliant! an exorcism in quite some time. You
know, I was known as the demon priest of Dunbracken
for a while. So I can commune with them. There's
something not right about her at all. She often
speaks in tongues, Father. I said no physical
touching. Do I need to stand back? Is there a
splash zone? There may be fluids, but what I'm
gonna do is I'm gonna draw the demon out of her
and into me as a vessel. Will it hurt? Pardon?
Will it hurt me? No, but I will be in tremendous
pain. Like our Lord once was. Hang on, Father.
Who's gonna get it out of you once it's in you?
I'll absorb it. It's much needed. Yes, we'll
be back in 10 minutes. Enjoy some beverages or
don't. It's BYOB. You could have brought your
own if you didn't. You're thirsty. But we're
going to take a 10 minute recess. We will be
back soon, I think. Are we voting on break? Yes.
We're voting on break. Thank you for listening
to this. We were very fortunate to have a wonderful
cast on the day, and they were as follows. Patrick
Meyer, Laura Conlon, George Donnelly, Kieran
Sands, Amelia Price, Niall McKenna, Jean McKeever,
Marcus Keeley, Aaron Marshall, Eddie Goodwin,
J .R. McCormick, Aidan Kelly, Debbie McCormick,
and Tiff Minson. This show was recorded on June
the 28th of July? What am I saying? This show,
ah, it was recorded on the 28th of June, 2025,
at the Accidental Theatre in Belfast. Thank you
so much for listening, and have a good day. I
don't know. Enjoy.