WEBVTT 00:00:02.300 --> 00:00:04.639 Hello. This is just a very quick note to say 00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:07.759 that this show is available on YouTube. There's 00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:10.980 a full 4K video recording of this show. It looks 00:00:10.980 --> 00:00:13.539 incredible. The Accidental Theatre did a fantastic, 00:00:13.679 --> 00:00:16.300 fantastic job recording it and streaming it. 00:00:16.379 --> 00:00:18.679 You can listen to it here, but I would highly 00:00:18.679 --> 00:00:22.140 recommend watching it in all its glory on YouTube. 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:25.019 If you just type in Back to the Bracken live 00:00:25.019 --> 00:00:28.260 show, it'll come up. Or you can look in the show 00:00:28.260 --> 00:00:30.460 notes and there'll be a link to it there. Thank 00:00:30.460 --> 00:00:58.509 you very much and enjoy. Council meetings, that's 00:00:58.509 --> 00:01:03.990 a nicer response to start with. It's nice. I 00:01:03.990 --> 00:01:05.569 mean, I have heard a round of applause before. 00:01:06.129 --> 00:01:10.090 Many, many. Quite louder than that as well. Yes, 00:01:10.090 --> 00:01:11.329 for those of you who don't know, this is Colonel 00:01:11.329 --> 00:01:19.790 Marzipan. I'm sure you've seen me in a couple 00:01:19.790 --> 00:01:24.549 of roles. I am Dermot Green. I'm a florist in 00:01:24.549 --> 00:01:28.170 the town. I'm not currently opening. My florists? 00:01:31.709 --> 00:01:33.129 Doesn't mean that you're not a florist. Doesn't 00:01:33.129 --> 00:01:36.450 mean that I'm not a florist. Yeah, I don't want 00:01:36.450 --> 00:01:39.430 to get into it. I might, but I don't want to. 00:01:40.849 --> 00:01:43.269 I suspect you will get into it. Ah, we'll see 00:01:43.269 --> 00:01:46.469 what happens. Do you want to know? No, I don't 00:01:46.469 --> 00:01:51.849 want to. I'm Steffi Bunting. I've been around 00:01:51.849 --> 00:01:55.129 for a few centuries, so... Hang out with these 00:01:55.129 --> 00:02:02.989 guys. Centuries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm older 00:02:02.989 --> 00:02:05.189 than you, Rosemary. And Rosemary, you're old, 00:02:05.329 --> 00:02:09.030 so. We cannot get into guessing my age again. 00:02:09.430 --> 00:02:11.409 Last time I was accused of being born in the 00:02:11.409 --> 00:02:14.349 19th century, and that feels unjust. Amateur 00:02:14.349 --> 00:02:19.849 art. But it's around then, right? The turn of 00:02:19.849 --> 00:02:22.449 the 19th century, perhaps? Are we rounding up 00:02:22.449 --> 00:02:27.139 or down? You're about a hundred years old. No 00:02:27.139 --> 00:02:32.340 matter what way you round it, you're wrong. Well, 00:02:32.419 --> 00:02:35.000 you're my landlady, so I'm gonna stop pushing 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:37.840 it, I think. At this point, it won't make a difference. 00:02:39.319 --> 00:02:41.879 I will get my rent. I don't have my shop open 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:44.120 and I don't want to talk about it. You really 00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:47.439 seem like you do want to talk about it. No. How 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:49.500 will you make your rent? Can you talk about that? 00:02:49.939 --> 00:02:55.669 I have an idea. It's very exciting. So I can't 00:02:55.669 --> 00:02:57.289 get into the shop currently. That's where the 00:02:57.289 --> 00:03:00.870 flowers are. But... Are you closed because you 00:03:00.870 --> 00:03:02.930 physically cannot enter your shop? I don't want 00:03:02.930 --> 00:03:08.590 to talk about it. There's locks. There's a past 00:03:08.590 --> 00:03:11.509 due notice. I don't know. I don't want to talk 00:03:11.509 --> 00:03:13.710 about it. Is the new idea related to flowers, 00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:16.030 at least? Yes, I want people to come to my window 00:03:16.030 --> 00:03:19.550 and pay to see flowers. But we can do that without 00:03:19.550 --> 00:03:22.250 paying. Well, that's what the... Be a little 00:03:22.250 --> 00:03:33.110 sad. It's okay. I was voted the 22nd most eligible 00:03:33.110 --> 00:03:38.349 bachelor in the town. I'm looking up. Do you 00:03:38.349 --> 00:03:41.150 know where I came in that list? Was I featured? 00:03:41.490 --> 00:03:46.229 I'm trying. You were number two. Who was number 00:03:46.229 --> 00:03:53.280 one? They left it anonymous. They said after 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:55.280 what happened last time it wasn't safe to reveal 00:03:55.280 --> 00:03:59.379 the identity anymore. I only played a small part 00:03:59.379 --> 00:04:03.919 in that. You pushed him off a ledge. Granted, 00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:07.060 it was a small ledge. A small ledge. And you 00:04:07.060 --> 00:04:09.780 claimed it was performance art. Exactly. A stunt. 00:04:11.699 --> 00:04:14.520 We can ensure everyone tonight that we will not 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:16.839 be pushing you off the ledge tonight. Is that 00:04:16.839 --> 00:04:26.100 true, Colonel? I could show a pratfall. Oh! Wait, 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:32.339 wait. That was nothing, honestly. Give them what 00:04:32.339 --> 00:04:35.279 they want. That was the first rule that I learnt 00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:38.819 at theatre and dramatics. So are you offering 00:04:38.819 --> 00:04:41.800 classes now as well as just directing the winter 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:45.439 play? And offering therapy, I guess, as well? 00:04:45.620 --> 00:04:50.600 Oh yes, yeah. He's my therapist. I am a bit of 00:04:50.600 --> 00:04:56.660 a coach. I've been doing better. Things were 00:04:56.660 --> 00:04:58.959 bad for a while. Well, they still are. But my 00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:03.360 outlook on them is not doing better. Excuse me. 00:05:03.540 --> 00:05:08.319 Excuse me. Take that back. In what aspect do 00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.519 you feel you're doing better? My outlook on my 00:05:10.519 --> 00:05:13.839 unfortunate situations. You described as unfortunate. 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:16.639 Yeah, I know, but my outlook on them is pretty 00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:19.759 rosy. And despite that, he has great posture 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:26.160 now. I cannot argue with that. Is it good outlook 00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:28.420 if you just refuse to get into anything, though? 00:05:28.540 --> 00:05:31.300 Or is it just avoidance of the issue? We're working 00:05:31.300 --> 00:05:34.439 on it, don't we? The bottle is deep and the well 00:05:34.439 --> 00:05:37.139 is smaller than the bottle. Because it's a deep, 00:05:37.199 --> 00:05:40.660 deep well. That, believe it or not, is one of 00:05:40.660 --> 00:05:48.209 my quotes. It's a deep well. So should we start 00:05:48.209 --> 00:05:51.589 the meeting or? Yes, by all means, go ahead. 00:05:51.790 --> 00:05:54.230 Yeah, well, thank you all for coming. We apologize 00:05:54.230 --> 00:05:57.389 again for last month. It couldn't have been helped. 00:06:00.250 --> 00:06:02.430 Yeah, it wasn't great. A double booking is a 00:06:02.430 --> 00:06:05.870 double booking. Yeah. Only one person is at fault 00:06:05.870 --> 00:06:09.370 for that and it wasn't any of us. No. Oh, before 00:06:09.370 --> 00:06:12.129 we get into anything also, there are four other 00:06:12.129 --> 00:06:13.750 members of the council who aren't here today. 00:06:14.250 --> 00:06:16.610 And because they're never here, they have once 00:06:16.610 --> 00:06:19.350 again agreed to give all deciding votes in their 00:06:19.350 --> 00:06:24.470 favour to the Colonel. As they do every month. 00:06:25.009 --> 00:06:28.610 So if we're split down the middle, the Colonel 00:06:28.610 --> 00:06:32.250 gets four votes. But don't worry, I will be faithfully 00:06:32.250 --> 00:06:36.670 representing them. Before we get into any of 00:06:36.670 --> 00:06:39.269 the matters, can we maybe... ourselves take a 00:06:39.269 --> 00:06:41.529 vote on if they should continue for another meeting 00:06:41.529 --> 00:06:43.930 and another month? I mean we can take a vote, 00:06:44.029 --> 00:06:49.769 but I suspect I know the outcome. I think it's 00:06:49.769 --> 00:06:52.709 still within our freedom to be able to ask for 00:06:52.709 --> 00:06:56.250 that. Go ahead. I would like my voice heard. 00:06:58.069 --> 00:07:03.490 Are we voting for or against? I'm for it, personally. 00:07:03.790 --> 00:07:08.250 You want the Colonel to have No, I'm for us having 00:07:08.250 --> 00:07:11.970 equal votes. I want my voice heard. Great. All 00:07:11.970 --> 00:07:22.910 in favour? Aye. All opposed? Undecided. It's 00:07:22.910 --> 00:07:26.819 erring on the side of... Okay, so that's four 00:07:26.819 --> 00:07:30.160 noes and three yeses, so... Better than last 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:32.639 time. Okay, that's fine. So should we get on 00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:34.199 to the first... And I apologize for voting against 00:07:34.199 --> 00:07:37.779 you last time. Yeah, we finally had it. He was 00:07:37.779 --> 00:07:42.199 delirious on opium, and we finally had it. That 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:44.920 was a very unfortunate time in my life, I've 00:07:44.920 --> 00:07:47.560 got to say. And the fact that I was allowed to 00:07:47.560 --> 00:07:51.779 sit at the council while high... We did try and 00:07:51.779 --> 00:07:56.660 have a vote, but again... You got us in your 00:07:56.660 --> 00:08:00.720 therapy that week? Fantastic. Okay, just that 00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:03.740 week? Interesting. Well, it's always, no, it's 00:08:03.740 --> 00:08:10.279 always good. I'm sorry. Shall we begin? Yeah, 00:08:10.300 --> 00:08:12.199 I don't want this to come back next week. Is 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:16.040 this going to be a problem for me? Not right 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:19.040 now. Would you like to take the first question? 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.899 Yes. Would that cheer you up? Yes, it would. 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:25.339 That's great. I love getting to be a part of 00:08:25.339 --> 00:08:28.399 things. So our first, I believe the first on 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:32.139 the agenda was Agatha Jones wanted to speak about 00:08:32.139 --> 00:08:35.860 her fence around the community garden, I believe. 00:08:36.379 --> 00:08:38.799 Is Agatha Jones here? Her fence around the community 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:44.659 garden already. Agatha, you're here? Yes. I would 00:08:44.659 --> 00:08:47.139 just like to complain that the gaps in the fence, 00:08:47.340 --> 00:08:50.139 they're not big enough for the frogs to get through. 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:55.200 The gaps in the... Why do the frogs need to get 00:08:55.200 --> 00:08:56.639 into the garden? Shouldn't we be keeping them 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.460 out? No, if the frogs are in the garden, they'll 00:08:59.460 --> 00:09:02.460 eat the slugs. And then my plants won't get eaten. 00:09:03.860 --> 00:09:08.679 Your plants. It is a community garden. Yes, but 00:09:08.679 --> 00:09:11.080 my plants are a part of the community. And I'm 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:13.179 just trying to stand up for the rest of the members 00:09:13.179 --> 00:09:14.940 of the community. And I would like to finally 00:09:14.940 --> 00:09:17.639 speak about the gaps in the fence being too small. 00:09:18.350 --> 00:09:20.409 I am just concerned, given that it's your fence 00:09:20.409 --> 00:09:22.889 surrounding the garden, you might be taking full 00:09:22.889 --> 00:09:25.429 ownership of the garden. How many other members 00:09:25.429 --> 00:09:27.750 of the community garden are there? Just for reference. 00:09:28.669 --> 00:09:33.509 What, do I have to answer that? Yes. Well, at 00:09:33.509 --> 00:09:38.669 the moment, they're mostly my plants. That wasn't 00:09:38.669 --> 00:09:42.049 the question, I'm sorry. It was how many people. 00:09:42.090 --> 00:09:47.360 How many people? At the moment... No, myself. 00:09:47.659 --> 00:09:50.519 Just myself. Right. So we're using community 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:57.019 liberally? No, well, if people fill out the forms 00:09:57.019 --> 00:10:00.039 that I left at the front of the community hall 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:03.820 and they apply via those application forms, I 00:10:03.820 --> 00:10:06.940 will grant them if they meet the conditions to 00:10:06.940 --> 00:10:11.240 use the community garden. It's not that 80 -page 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:17.110 form with the £2 ,000 entrance fee. Yes. Have 00:10:17.110 --> 00:10:19.990 you applied? I have not. No, I have my own card. 00:10:20.009 --> 00:10:25.870 Thank you very much. I wanted to. Well, I haven't 00:10:25.870 --> 00:10:28.250 received your form yet, but once I receive the 00:10:28.250 --> 00:10:32.590 £2 ,000 and your completed 80 -page form, I will 00:10:32.590 --> 00:10:36.409 consider. Slightly off -topic from Agatha's query. 00:10:37.669 --> 00:10:40.330 If I didn't want to be a part of the community 00:10:40.330 --> 00:10:43.230 garden, but I wanted to avail of the community 00:10:43.230 --> 00:10:47.250 produce and fruit and vegetables, is that permitted? 00:10:47.370 --> 00:10:50.929 Because it's for the community. You want to buy 00:10:50.929 --> 00:10:55.950 some of the produce. Okay. My query is answered. 00:10:57.769 --> 00:11:02.210 Could I buy some of the frogs? Is that an option? 00:11:02.429 --> 00:11:05.889 I do not own the frogs. Good question, though. 00:11:05.950 --> 00:11:10.320 Who? does own the frogs if we can find out maybe 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:13.580 we can make a small purchase i i just wish to 00:11:13.580 --> 00:11:16.179 reiterate that just because we're in a town council 00:11:16.179 --> 00:11:18.840 does not mean we own the animals living within 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:21.820 the town of course of course but we do have funding 00:11:21.820 --> 00:11:25.539 and what else would we uh put it to i have tried 00:11:25.539 --> 00:11:28.799 to um Put on many productions with the funding. 00:11:28.820 --> 00:11:30.980 You haven't tried. You have put on many productions 00:11:30.980 --> 00:11:33.740 with our funding. But none have really reached 00:11:33.740 --> 00:11:38.460 the apex, the pinnacle of what I want. Youse 00:11:38.460 --> 00:11:41.960 wouldn't know. Don't worry. Someday, though. 00:11:42.419 --> 00:11:47.200 An army of frogs, maybe. Agatha, would you like 00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:50.279 to make the holes bigger? That's what I want. 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:52.940 I want the frogs to get in to eat the slugs in... 00:11:53.159 --> 00:11:55.159 the community garden. Yeah, it's your, it's your 00:11:55.159 --> 00:11:56.980 fence. It's your fence. Make the holes bigger. 00:11:57.159 --> 00:11:58.940 It seems like a commercial enterprise, brother. 00:12:00.379 --> 00:12:03.120 Wouldn't really matter, to be quite frank. I 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:10.139 didn't pay for the fence. Well, I... The fence 00:12:10.139 --> 00:12:14.820 was sitting... Look, I would just like someone 00:12:14.820 --> 00:12:19.279 from the council to come and remove some of the 00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:21.600 slats off the fence so that the frogs can get 00:12:21.600 --> 00:12:24.539 in. Can you help me with that? But then, as soon 00:12:24.539 --> 00:12:26.279 as you've removed some of the slats, then surely 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:28.740 foxes and all sorts will get in. Frogs will be 00:12:28.740 --> 00:12:30.500 the least of your problems. Slugs will be the 00:12:30.500 --> 00:12:32.539 least of your problems. That's why we should 00:12:32.539 --> 00:12:35.899 measure the fence. Oh, God. Okay. Okay, yeah, 00:12:35.960 --> 00:12:38.259 I'm free most of the time because I don't have 00:12:38.259 --> 00:12:41.299 a shop anymore. I could come and just make holes 00:12:41.299 --> 00:12:47.659 in your fence. That's my problem. Yes. Yes, will 00:12:47.659 --> 00:12:51.379 you? Yeah, no, I'm saying, yeah. Sure, all in 00:12:51.379 --> 00:13:00.480 favor? Can I? Really? Really? If we can find 00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:03.200 out in due course who owns the frogs, I will 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:05.840 approve. Well, in my working there, I think I 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:11.419 can make contact with them and... Then yes. So 00:13:11.419 --> 00:13:18.620 you wish to buy three thousand frogs? Yes. I'm 00:13:18.620 --> 00:13:22.730 gonna need to see a license. I need to know you're 00:13:22.730 --> 00:13:34.809 not doing a plague. Jasper. That's a lovely name. 00:13:34.950 --> 00:13:40.350 Oh, thanks. My mum. Your mum was called Jasper? 00:13:40.409 --> 00:13:41.929 Yeah, I'm Jasper Junior. Oh, that's beautiful. 00:13:44.649 --> 00:13:47.750 All right. Everything seems to be in order. Oh, 00:13:47.750 --> 00:13:51.779 hello. What's up? Don't touch the frog! He hasn't 00:13:51.779 --> 00:13:58.139 been prepared! Listen, everybody thinks you just 00:13:58.139 --> 00:14:00.700 get 3 ,000 frogs and you say, off you go, off 00:14:00.700 --> 00:14:02.419 you go. But each one needs to be instructed. 00:14:02.659 --> 00:14:05.720 Each one needs to... You don't understand ecosystems. 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:10.440 And, by all accounts, you're not licensed. You're 00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:15.059 messing around with blood. Frankly, sir, you 00:14:15.059 --> 00:14:19.799 don't understand how business works. Maybe I 00:14:19.799 --> 00:14:22.639 don't know how business works. But I know how 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:27.879 a frog works. A frog doesn't know sin. A frog 00:14:27.879 --> 00:14:36.600 only knows... A frog only wants to be a frog. 00:14:37.539 --> 00:14:40.759 A frog only wants to do right by the pond. Why 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:42.740 are you doing this? Why do you need... First 00:14:42.740 --> 00:14:46.279 question. Why do you need 3 ,000 frogs? Well, 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:50.080 I look into his eyes. Look into Minerva's eyes 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:53.679 when you say what you're doing. I've been a bit 00:14:53.679 --> 00:14:56.700 lonely and I think if I kiss 3 ,000 frogs maybe 00:14:56.700 --> 00:14:58.759 there's a chance one of them will turn into a 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:10.259 perfect freak. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your 00:15:10.259 --> 00:15:19.039 loneliness. engaged in an erantic relationship 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:22.059 with a frog. Do you know why? Because they're 00:15:22.059 --> 00:15:24.440 already in an erantic relationship with each 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:26.360 other. Oh, three thousand! Oh, three thousand! 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:28.500 You know, Remedyn, that's just them kissing each 00:15:28.500 --> 00:15:31.679 other goodnight. Oh! That's all I want! Yeah, 00:15:31.679 --> 00:16:37.960 well, do what I do and pull on the costume. Has 00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:51.139 anyone seen my fireflies? We're gathered here 00:16:51.139 --> 00:16:59.279 today to say goodbye to two beloved... Anthropopos... 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:03.240 Beloved. Beloved. Flies. Fireflies. Fireflies. 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:08.299 Sorry, I realised that wasn't the word. They 00:17:08.299 --> 00:17:11.400 were my best friends. Well, they wouldn't say 00:17:11.400 --> 00:17:13.079 that. They were best friends with each other 00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:18.680 and I was there. But you know, whenever they 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:21.799 would have a lapse in judgment, sometimes I felt 00:17:21.799 --> 00:17:25.839 like I was the third wheel for a moment. That's 00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:30.240 a very understandable song. The ambulance is 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:50.190 too late. I mean, just unburden yourself for 00:17:50.190 --> 00:17:54.890 me. I could have turned into a human person, 00:17:54.970 --> 00:17:56.869 but I didn't like the look of them, so I didn't. 00:17:56.869 --> 00:17:58.650 When they kissed me, I didn't turn into a human 00:17:58.650 --> 00:18:00.930 person, even though I was supposed to. And I 00:18:00.930 --> 00:18:02.990 could, but I didn't want to, and I feel bad. 00:18:03.349 --> 00:18:06.450 No one's supposed to do anything. Don't you worry. 00:18:06.549 --> 00:18:08.769 They're not your type. They're not your type. 00:18:10.950 --> 00:18:14.789 Okay. How did you meet this person? They appeared. 00:18:15.549 --> 00:18:18.809 They appeared at the ball. and they kissed a 00:18:18.809 --> 00:18:22.390 lot of my siblings first and then they made their 00:18:22.390 --> 00:18:26.589 way to me. Did your siblings change? No, they 00:18:26.589 --> 00:18:30.049 can't. Just me. Just you? Just me. You wouldn't 00:18:30.049 --> 00:18:31.950 want to be going around with someone who goes, 00:18:32.009 --> 00:18:33.990 you know, hangs around ponds, picking up stuff. 00:18:34.190 --> 00:18:37.170 Yeah, yeah. Kissing any frog. You're better than 00:18:37.170 --> 00:18:40.670 that. Yeah, because they don't know and I feel 00:18:40.670 --> 00:18:42.789 bad that I was just, maybe they were unlucky 00:18:42.789 --> 00:18:44.950 in love. Maybe they were unlucky in pond love. 00:18:46.859 --> 00:18:48.700 You wouldn't want to be bringing that bad luck 00:18:48.700 --> 00:18:50.880 onto yourself because quite frankly, they sound 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:55.240 a bit, you know, a bit odd. So, Father, in your 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:58.460 opinion, have I not sinned? I don't think so. 00:18:58.500 --> 00:19:01.299 To be honest, I don't know if we as girls have 00:19:01.299 --> 00:19:12.539 the concept of sin. You know that one that you've 00:19:12.539 --> 00:19:15.039 got to cut the holes in the fence on the side? 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:22.640 Yes. cutting him -sized holes in the fence. Yes. 00:19:23.940 --> 00:19:27.299 Must be new. Yeah. That's what I told him to 00:19:27.299 --> 00:19:31.579 do. Well, they're only sized for him. But he's 00:19:31.579 --> 00:19:33.480 rather large. We could walk through it as well. 00:19:34.039 --> 00:19:36.900 Sure, but does that not set a precedent for the 00:19:36.900 --> 00:19:42.099 neighbourhood? Friendliness. I think it's inclusivity, 00:19:42.180 --> 00:19:48.660 but in the bad way. Look at this fence. Only 00:19:48.660 --> 00:19:53.440 people of this size can come through. But he 00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:55.779 is... There are bigger people in the town, though. 00:19:55.839 --> 00:19:57.920 Do you think I'd put my foot on it, man? I think 00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:24.170 you're getting cancelled. Go sideways. Can you 00:20:24.170 --> 00:20:31.210 go sideways? No, you cannot go sideways. Jerry, 00:20:31.329 --> 00:20:33.990 don't get involved. If you want to get into the 00:20:33.990 --> 00:20:38.269 garden, you must be this shape. No other shape 00:20:38.269 --> 00:20:45.490 permissive. Permissive? Oh, God. I fought all 00:20:45.490 --> 00:20:49.970 that training I did as the entryway keeper. Very 00:20:49.970 --> 00:20:51.990 niche course. Jerry, we need to get to work. 00:20:53.609 --> 00:21:00.250 I'm at work. Let me have a look. How late you 00:21:00.250 --> 00:21:02.950 gonna be? Can I squeeze past, man? Like I've 00:21:02.950 --> 00:21:04.829 got a train coming. Are you that sheep? Take 00:21:04.829 --> 00:21:07.049 a look at this sheep. Yes, I'm that sheep. I 00:21:07.049 --> 00:21:10.289 go through it every day. I hate that you do. 00:21:10.410 --> 00:21:12.609 I just want to try one more time, okay? Yes. 00:21:13.089 --> 00:21:17.789 We've got you, man. You've got this. Sad, really. 00:21:18.109 --> 00:21:21.349 Sad. Good luck to you tomorrow. Do you want me 00:21:21.349 --> 00:21:23.720 to pass a note through? Yeah, can you just tell 00:21:23.720 --> 00:21:38.119 Gemma that, um, hang on. Yeah, so I think next 00:21:38.119 --> 00:21:42.119 on the list was Mr. and Mrs. Filson? Was that 00:21:42.119 --> 00:21:44.259 correct? Was it Mr. and Mrs. Filson? Yes. Yeah, 00:21:44.339 --> 00:21:46.140 they wanted to talk about... Sorry, it was Mr. 00:21:46.279 --> 00:21:48.960 and Mrs. Phil and the song. Phil and son. That's 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:50.819 good because I think their problem was with their 00:21:50.819 --> 00:21:54.339 son. Yes. I believe it said he always gets picked 00:21:54.339 --> 00:21:58.819 last for PE. Ah. Are Mr and Mrs Phil's? Phil? 00:21:58.900 --> 00:22:05.460 Yes. Yes, sir. We're here. Do you want to start, 00:22:05.539 --> 00:22:09.559 Pep? Well, thank you very much, darling. So, 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:13.640 our son. The PE teacher, he doesn't like him. 00:22:13.779 --> 00:22:19.950 He just doesn't like him. Why? It's his legs. 00:22:21.549 --> 00:22:25.650 They're very thin. They have been forever. They've 00:22:25.650 --> 00:22:28.089 always been thin legs. And this PE teacher, well, 00:22:28.089 --> 00:22:30.789 he won't drop it. He will not let the boy just 00:22:30.789 --> 00:22:33.470 be a part of the class. It's tearing him apart. 00:22:34.069 --> 00:22:37.029 Which PE teacher is it, might I ask? The tall 00:22:37.029 --> 00:22:41.150 one. He's got long hair. I like long hair. Oh, 00:22:41.150 --> 00:22:44.950 the Swedish fella? Yes, him. Oh, I didn't know 00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:47.089 he was... I don't go to the meetings, so I don't 00:22:47.089 --> 00:22:49.740 know his name. That's fine. None of us do. We 00:22:49.740 --> 00:22:53.339 cannot renounce it. I'll just say, you, you, 00:22:53.480 --> 00:22:58.359 stop it, stop it. But he doesn't. Wait, during 00:22:58.359 --> 00:23:02.140 the PE classes? Yes. I've tried to talk her down 00:23:02.140 --> 00:23:05.640 a couple of times now. They've changed the seating 00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:07.819 arrangement, you see. At first, you could pick 00:23:07.819 --> 00:23:09.980 wherever you wanted to sit and there was no bother. 00:23:10.180 --> 00:23:12.839 But now, ever since yourself, love, now, we're 00:23:12.839 --> 00:23:13.960 not bringing it up here, of course, we're not 00:23:13.960 --> 00:23:15.880 bringing it up here, but... She's been going 00:23:15.880 --> 00:23:18.200 buck mad at these meetings, so she has. Running 00:23:18.200 --> 00:23:20.000 up to try and get a hold of them. And I've had 00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:22.019 to tear her back down to the back of the hall. 00:23:22.380 --> 00:23:25.980 So these are the school meetings, the monthly 00:23:25.980 --> 00:23:28.859 AGMs. You're not going to your child's class. 00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:30.759 Parent -teacher meetings, this isn't during class. 00:23:31.119 --> 00:23:33.880 You're not monsters. No, my husband goes to the 00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:37.799 meetings. I go to the classes. So, what I get 00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:40.039 in beforehand, you just climb the rope and you 00:23:40.039 --> 00:23:42.400 wait at the top so I can see what's going on. 00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:44.160 And then when he does something wrong, I say, 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.819 Oi! Stop it! But he doesn't. He never does. We 00:23:49.819 --> 00:23:51.900 have had complaints that a PE hall is haunted. 00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:55.920 I think I've found a source of that. Oh no, it 00:23:55.920 --> 00:24:00.779 is haunted. I've seen things in there. I know 00:24:00.779 --> 00:24:03.900 the people. No, they're not in the PE hall. They're 00:24:03.900 --> 00:24:06.759 in the canteen. Oh, I don't go to the canteen. 00:24:07.059 --> 00:24:11.099 No, they don't serve anything I like. I hear 00:24:11.099 --> 00:24:15.650 it's for the children. Have you considered bringing 00:24:15.650 --> 00:24:18.529 this up with the PE teacher? Well, I haven't 00:24:18.529 --> 00:24:20.410 been able to get a word in with him edgeways. 00:24:20.589 --> 00:24:23.089 Every time I do, he's all... Have you tried a 00:24:23.089 --> 00:24:25.470 monologue? Have I tried a monologue with him? 00:24:26.250 --> 00:24:28.630 Well, no, I haven't now. Do you reckon that if 00:24:28.630 --> 00:24:30.710 I became sprightly enough to get up that rope 00:24:30.710 --> 00:24:33.150 myself, that I could deliver it from the rafters? 00:24:33.150 --> 00:24:35.470 Why are you going up the rafters? No, no, let 00:24:35.470 --> 00:24:40.289 him do it. This is good state. How are your catfalls? 00:24:41.170 --> 00:25:02.410 Well, how long? Thank you, love. I don't know 00:25:02.410 --> 00:25:04.930 how we solve this. I don't think this is an issue 00:25:04.930 --> 00:25:14.430 for us. Firing. Yeah, so I'm enjoying the job. 00:25:19.429 --> 00:25:22.509 really know how to say my name. Well, how hard 00:25:22.509 --> 00:25:27.109 is it? Mr. Shushun Mushundushu. Shushun Mushundushu. 00:25:27.869 --> 00:25:30.630 Look, I will tell you that we did consider just 00:25:30.630 --> 00:25:33.589 calling you Mr. Shu, but I'm afraid it's got 00:25:33.589 --> 00:25:36.450 a bit of a bad association. No, I don't. Shu, 00:25:36.549 --> 00:25:40.750 no. I don't like it. I mean, this wasn't quite 00:25:40.750 --> 00:25:46.670 why I arranged this dinner. But I like it. I'm 00:25:46.670 --> 00:25:50.960 glad. It's good to hang out with you. We've had 00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:53.660 some... You put onions in your potatoes? Why? 00:25:53.759 --> 00:25:59.400 I don't know, but I like it. For fun. Just for 00:25:59.400 --> 00:26:03.880 fun. And we've had a few letters from parents 00:26:03.880 --> 00:26:09.759 saying things like, stop it. And we assume they're 00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:13.980 directed at you. They write letters? Yes. About 00:26:13.980 --> 00:26:16.849 me? Yes. We weren't sure that they could write, 00:26:16.990 --> 00:26:22.150 so it's quite pleasing. But they seem to think 00:26:22.150 --> 00:26:24.210 that you have an issue with some of the kids, 00:26:24.410 --> 00:26:32.109 the width of their legs. Oh, their legs? Yes. 00:26:32.710 --> 00:26:35.410 Big, big issues. There's a delivery here from 00:26:35.410 --> 00:26:39.569 Simon and Schuster. Oh, that is perfect. That 00:26:39.569 --> 00:26:48.859 is from me. Oh, can you check the label? Just 00:26:48.859 --> 00:26:51.579 say the name on the front of the label. Simon 00:26:51.579 --> 00:26:55.740 and Schuster. Ikea is closing in five minutes. 00:26:55.819 --> 00:26:59.700 Please make your way to the exit. I have to eat 00:26:59.700 --> 00:27:08.799 faster! Wow! You people! So glad you brought 00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:25.980 me here to the sauna. Sauna! The culture of it. 00:27:28.220 --> 00:27:34.940 Sauna. You should probably, you know... Should 00:27:34.940 --> 00:27:45.920 I be... Is this not... That's too much. A business 00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:51.839 suit. I don't know. Go on. You'll be fine. Look, 00:27:51.880 --> 00:27:59.950 everyone else is in the nude. Look! I'm gonna 00:27:59.950 --> 00:28:04.950 put some more steam on. Here we go. Good work. 00:28:13.730 --> 00:28:15.410 Well no, I can't see anyone. I don't know where 00:28:15.410 --> 00:28:19.970 to look. Can't see this newspaper. Just disassociate. 00:28:19.970 --> 00:28:22.930 You're not here to look at people. Just imagine... 00:28:23.069 --> 00:28:29.069 You're blind. To be clear, we don't forbid it. 00:28:29.150 --> 00:28:33.410 You can look if you want, but don't touch. You 00:28:33.410 --> 00:28:45.250 can touch. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to spook 00:28:45.250 --> 00:28:47.109 you. Oh, you're fine. I'm here to investigate 00:28:47.109 --> 00:28:49.329 the haunting of this, what do you call this, 00:28:49.369 --> 00:28:52.069 gymnasium? Yeah, I heard bad things about it. 00:28:52.549 --> 00:28:57.730 I'm just a janitor. Go away! He said, go away. 00:28:57.970 --> 00:29:01.490 Go away? You got enemies here? Quite rude. Sometimes 00:29:01.490 --> 00:29:06.089 ghosts can be rude, so can humans. It's crazy. 00:29:06.349 --> 00:29:07.970 You wouldn't think it transfers. You'd think 00:29:07.970 --> 00:29:10.009 you'd get to, like, heaven or something, and 00:29:10.009 --> 00:29:11.750 you'd think you'd, like, find some kind of peace 00:29:11.750 --> 00:29:14.670 and some kind of nice. Evan Schmevin. Let me 00:29:14.670 --> 00:29:17.289 tell you something, kid. How old are you? 42. 00:29:18.049 --> 00:29:24.609 Nice, nice. What's he saying? I'm not sure. You 00:29:24.609 --> 00:29:26.450 ever seen anything like floating around in here? 00:29:26.910 --> 00:29:30.230 Cans, fizzy drinks? Balls? Balls like soccer 00:29:30.230 --> 00:29:34.230 balls, footballs? Of their own volition they 00:29:34.230 --> 00:29:37.369 float around. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just 00:29:37.369 --> 00:29:40.630 the kids. The kids float around in this hall. 00:29:40.730 --> 00:29:44.529 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You seem 00:29:44.529 --> 00:29:47.089 real edgy about this entire conversation. I'm 00:29:47.089 --> 00:29:49.430 normal. I don't know what you're saying. He's 00:29:49.430 --> 00:29:52.980 not normal. He's not normal. No. This enemy of 00:29:52.980 --> 00:29:55.720 yours across, do you guys, listen to me. It feels 00:29:55.720 --> 00:29:57.700 like, I've been to counseling recently. My wife 00:29:57.700 --> 00:30:00.299 and I, we had some troubles, ghosts aside. It 00:30:00.299 --> 00:30:05.200 feels like, you might have some issues with this 00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:07.660 guy. This ghost investigating is ruining our 00:30:07.660 --> 00:30:12.559 marriage. I agree. Keep looking for the dead 00:30:12.559 --> 00:30:16.160 when they're living around here. It has only 00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:18.099 been your passion when I suggested marriage counseling. 00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:20.259 I've never heard you talk about it beforehand. 00:30:24.750 --> 00:30:27.230 And I thought about it a bunch. I read books. 00:30:27.569 --> 00:30:30.329 Remember I watched that show with your guy Derek 00:30:30.329 --> 00:30:33.230 Okora in it? I don't know. We don't watch shows 00:30:33.230 --> 00:30:36.750 together anymore. But you seen that I was watching 00:30:36.750 --> 00:30:39.170 it on my phone in bed. I had it turned landscape 00:30:39.170 --> 00:30:42.990 and the little AirPods in. Yeah, you turned away 00:30:42.990 --> 00:30:45.890 from me. I said we need to talk and you turned 00:30:45.890 --> 00:30:49.250 to the side and put in headphones. I'm still 00:30:49.250 --> 00:30:53.420 charging for this session. Listen, I understand 00:30:53.420 --> 00:30:55.200 we got our problems, but why the council got 00:30:55.200 --> 00:31:00.460 to be so fucking far away from us? It just makes 00:31:00.460 --> 00:31:02.859 us feel disconnected. I like to walk around! 00:31:03.380 --> 00:31:06.599 You know that about me! Exercise, exercise. I 00:31:06.599 --> 00:31:11.279 like to pee when I'm frustrated. And the couch 00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:14.759 gets in the way. It was your idea to move it 00:31:14.759 --> 00:31:16.380 into the middle of the living room. I said we 00:31:16.380 --> 00:31:17.940 should have had it with its back against the 00:31:17.940 --> 00:31:20.539 wall. The middle is ideal. I could circle it. 00:31:20.559 --> 00:31:52.799 I can circle it. I don't have a chance to see 00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:55.700 if she's in the wood yet. I wouldn't be into 00:31:55.700 --> 00:31:57.400 it. I'm the one who killed her. It's why she's 00:31:57.400 --> 00:32:04.400 haunting me. Are you so mad about that? I can 00:32:04.400 --> 00:32:11.119 see everything all the time. I was right to kill 00:32:11.119 --> 00:32:16.460 you. Don't grab my shoulder like that. She's 00:32:16.460 --> 00:32:19.069 kind of done a lot, okay? I promise you, she's 00:32:19.069 --> 00:32:21.430 not the same as she used to be. Oh, now she's 00:32:21.430 --> 00:32:24.809 taunting me. Put down half the couch, please. 00:32:26.730 --> 00:32:31.150 Put it down in the middle. Oh, this. She doesn't 00:32:31.150 --> 00:32:35.430 need to see this. Listen, we could make a little 00:32:35.430 --> 00:32:37.390 business arrangement out of this. You can go 00:32:37.390 --> 00:32:40.170 through walls and stuff, right? Yeah. We're struggling 00:32:40.170 --> 00:32:42.049 with money, baby. I can go through anything, 00:32:42.250 --> 00:32:48.980 baby. Just don't flirt directly in front of me 00:32:48.980 --> 00:33:02.200 in our marriage counseling session. So next up 00:33:02.200 --> 00:33:07.819 we have Georgina who is taking issue with the 00:33:07.819 --> 00:33:10.279 fact that her fake driver's license has been 00:33:10.279 --> 00:33:16.610 confiscated. Georgina, it's Georgina. Hello. 00:33:16.610 --> 00:33:22.410 Hi. I am very angry. I am 69 years old and I 00:33:22.410 --> 00:33:28.789 should be able to drive. I've only hit it, you 00:33:28.789 --> 00:33:31.250 know, I only hit the lamppost, not the children. 00:33:31.490 --> 00:33:34.849 Why did they take it off me? Because you hit 00:33:34.849 --> 00:33:38.029 the lamppost and you were near children. I mean, 00:33:38.029 --> 00:33:41.009 a number of things you just said. But it was 00:33:41.009 --> 00:33:46.609 a good fake. It was a good fake. It was a good 00:33:46.609 --> 00:33:51.069 thing. We're not denying Mr. Comonicinical's 00:33:51.069 --> 00:33:54.430 work. It is fantastic. I went to the same place 00:33:54.430 --> 00:33:57.130 my granddaughter did and she gets in everywhere. 00:33:57.329 --> 00:34:00.170 Yeah, she's allowed to drive. No, to the clubs. 00:34:00.829 --> 00:34:03.410 She had that when she was 16 and I had to pick 00:34:03.410 --> 00:34:07.049 her up nine times from six different clubs. She 00:34:07.049 --> 00:34:10.750 gets in anywhere. Okay, but the issue is you 00:34:10.750 --> 00:34:14.010 were more drunk than she was. I only hit the 00:34:14.010 --> 00:34:23.880 lam - I'm allowed. Okay, we need to go over this 00:34:23.880 --> 00:34:27.579 for the 45th time. We cannot overwrite laws. 00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:32.099 Why not? What's the point of you if you can't 00:34:32.099 --> 00:34:37.400 overwrite laws? Good point. Was it confiscated? 00:34:38.090 --> 00:34:40.989 because it was found out to be a fake or was 00:34:40.989 --> 00:34:43.889 it confiscated because of your reckless driving, 00:34:44.329 --> 00:34:49.210 Georgina? No, no, it was a bit of both. I didn't 00:34:49.210 --> 00:34:52.449 hit the lamppost this time. I nearly hit the 00:34:52.449 --> 00:34:57.230 child, but I just hit their backpack. So I just 00:34:57.230 --> 00:34:59.530 hit the backpack. The child was fine. The backpack 00:34:59.530 --> 00:35:08.079 was a write -off. I don't know the physics behind 00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:10.199 hitting a backpack and not the child. Was the 00:35:10.199 --> 00:35:12.460 child wearing the backpack? Yeah, he was wearing 00:35:12.460 --> 00:35:14.940 the backpack, yeah. So you just hit the backpack 00:35:14.940 --> 00:35:18.179 and spun him at 80 miles an hour? I was going 00:35:18.179 --> 00:35:21.559 so fast, it just sort of tore to fucking pieces. 00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:27.860 So you sort of soldered it off, is how you speak. 00:35:28.019 --> 00:35:30.340 Yeah, I did. Yeah, soldered is the right word. 00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:38.099 Soldered, did you say? No, soldered. So, we give 00:35:38.099 --> 00:35:39.940 the license back? Is that what we're saying? 00:35:40.599 --> 00:35:50.800 We cannot vote without over -writing laws! This 00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:53.860 is nasty bit of work. This backpack's been obliterated. 00:35:54.380 --> 00:35:57.420 The other guys found the straps in a bin two 00:35:57.420 --> 00:36:04.039 miles away. nutrition for 20 years but I can't 00:36:04.039 --> 00:36:12.239 do anything until this kid stops spinning I mean 00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:13.880 I've seen cases of this where kids were like 00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:16.380 this for 20 years all their classmates they went 00:36:16.380 --> 00:36:19.880 to uni it's like it's like Snow White that's 00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:22.360 the one we've got our very own Snow White here 00:36:22.360 --> 00:36:25.260 yeah Stephen Goody that's the one not Snow White 00:36:25.260 --> 00:36:30.929 you can't like interfere in any way If you interfere, 00:36:31.210 --> 00:36:32.809 the kid would just break in half like a Lego 00:36:32.809 --> 00:36:35.449 minifig. And this thing would be like helicopter 00:36:35.449 --> 00:36:37.449 blades. It'd be ricocheting around the town and 00:36:37.449 --> 00:36:39.190 we'd have more deaths on our hands. But how are 00:36:39.190 --> 00:36:41.170 you getting on with the backpack? Well, it's 00:36:41.170 --> 00:36:43.110 the fourth one this month. Do you ever think 00:36:43.110 --> 00:36:45.030 our jobs are at different levels of importance? 00:36:46.329 --> 00:36:50.710 No. No. You're a paediatrician. Your job is very 00:36:50.710 --> 00:36:59.030 important. Actually, I know the other way around. 00:36:59.500 --> 00:37:00.980 like you know there's nothing you can do for 00:37:00.980 --> 00:37:02.960 the backpack and the kid will probably when it 00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:07.599 comes to whenever it comes to well sure there's 00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:09.980 nothing i can do for this backpack but if we 00:37:09.980 --> 00:37:13.400 find the patterns we can find the person who's 00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:15.000 doing this and we can save backpacks down the 00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:18.300 line yeah this is very important work any patterns 00:37:18.300 --> 00:37:21.460 so far well yeah there's been four of them it's 00:37:21.460 --> 00:37:26.699 been a month oh the kid stopped ah well this 00:37:26.699 --> 00:37:38.639 can happen 10 minutes earlier Listen, I told 00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:41.639 you, I'm not going to take on another job. It's 00:37:41.639 --> 00:37:48.360 just two p .m. It's just two p .m. Got a letter 00:37:48.360 --> 00:37:52.679 through. Yeah. From NASA. From NASA? Yeah. They 00:37:52.679 --> 00:37:56.179 said that they are interested in adding a pediatrician 00:37:56.179 --> 00:37:58.690 to the next rocket launch. Said they wanted to 00:37:58.690 --> 00:38:00.530 kind of grind it with sort of a normal, chill 00:38:00.530 --> 00:38:02.210 person being on the flight? They don't want me, 00:38:02.269 --> 00:38:06.510 they want the spinning kids. They know that wherever 00:38:06.510 --> 00:38:08.769 I go, a spinning kid will surely follow, like 00:38:08.769 --> 00:38:12.929 a... like a dervish. Like a... Keep in there, 00:38:12.989 --> 00:38:29.960 Jimmy, you're all in wrong. driver's license, 00:38:30.219 --> 00:38:37.639 euros, pounds, Polish zlotki. Yen? Zlotki? Zlotki. 00:38:37.820 --> 00:38:40.519 Polish zlotki. Yep. In case they ever bring a 00:38:40.519 --> 00:38:48.599 currency back. Okay. We've got your key rings. 00:38:49.519 --> 00:38:53.139 Just in case you do take the keys. Backdoor key, 00:38:53.219 --> 00:38:57.440 frontdoor key, and the safe key. So, that's your 00:38:57.440 --> 00:39:02.300 go bag. Thanks, Dad. So you'll be ready to go 00:39:02.300 --> 00:39:08.420 to the shops. Mr. C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:08.420 --> 00:39:09.159 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:10.400 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:10.400 --> 00:39:10.579 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:10.579 --> 00:39:10.719 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:12.400 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:12.400 --> 00:39:15.340 -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C -C 00:39:15.340 --> 00:39:29.739 -C -C -C -C And she's having just an easy bit 00:39:29.739 --> 00:39:34.139 of trouble with vehicles. The bastards took it 00:39:34.139 --> 00:39:35.940 from me. Bring her in, bring her in, set her 00:39:35.940 --> 00:39:38.320 down. The bastards took it from me. Oh, where 00:39:38.320 --> 00:39:42.059 are you going? We'll get you a backdrop. You 00:39:42.059 --> 00:39:45.380 can do it now. I'm sure I'll be back. Thanks, 00:39:45.380 --> 00:39:49.380 bye. Okay, take the photo. Can I spray it, yeah? 00:40:00.109 --> 00:40:02.909 We normally try to go a bit more neutral for 00:40:02.909 --> 00:40:04.230 the photos. Okay, I can do that, I can do that. 00:40:04.610 --> 00:40:06.789 You're so beautiful, Granny. I hope I look like 00:40:06.789 --> 00:40:08.650 you when I'm nine to twelve. You won't, your 00:40:08.650 --> 00:40:22.969 father's ugly. God, I thought it was walk. No, 00:40:23.150 --> 00:40:24.409 I didn't realize how to do it. Smile there, smile 00:40:24.409 --> 00:40:38.710 there. There we go. There she is. There she is. 00:40:39.949 --> 00:40:46.409 75 today. I am gonna get ripped tonight. Are 00:40:46.409 --> 00:40:50.170 you ready? Oh, yes. Are you ready? You wee young 00:40:50.170 --> 00:40:54.269 lassie. 68 you are yourself. Let's start baby 00:40:54.269 --> 00:40:58.469 Guinness. Baby Guinness? Then let's do two baby 00:40:58.469 --> 00:41:48.489 Guinness. Quack, quack. Two ducks. Twenty -two. 00:41:48.710 --> 00:41:54.849 Nope. Twenty -two ducks. Mr. Marzipan, sir. Colonel. 00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:59.849 Colonel Mr. Marzipan, sir. All these old people 00:41:59.849 --> 00:42:04.650 smell of what I think beer smells like. You would 00:42:04.650 --> 00:42:10.809 be correct. It's not just beer. Colonel must 00:42:10.809 --> 00:42:16.329 have used it. Have yous born sloppy? Or did not? 00:42:18.809 --> 00:42:23.409 No, we have the overture to Priscilla, Queen 00:42:23.409 --> 00:42:28.110 of the Desert. Have ye got Grand Slam or cash 00:42:28.110 --> 00:42:31.150 in the attic? I'm sorry, I've moved on to a question 00:42:31.150 --> 00:42:35.690 now. It's just like the town council. I drew 00:42:35.690 --> 00:42:40.130 a picture of 22 ducks. Do I win? Two little ducks! 00:42:41.010 --> 00:42:44.639 I'll take that as a no. I don't have any ducks 00:42:44.639 --> 00:42:49.579 in mind, just numbers. You know, I don't have 00:42:49.579 --> 00:42:52.320 to do this. I don't have to. Is the prize for 00:42:52.320 --> 00:42:58.059 anything a bottle of water? If you get a full 00:42:58.059 --> 00:43:00.500 house, you can have, you can go out to the water. 00:43:00.559 --> 00:43:02.820 I have a full house. Well, go out to the water 00:43:02.820 --> 00:43:07.519 for a minute. No, I meant that. Why didn't you 00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:11.139 call it? Or did you? But you didn't project. 00:43:11.619 --> 00:43:14.599 No, I meant that. Like home, I have a nuclear 00:43:14.599 --> 00:43:17.900 family and all the bedrooms are filled. I live 00:43:17.900 --> 00:43:28.059 under the floors. That's a rat! Bobby! I'm here 00:43:28.059 --> 00:43:34.219 again! Tiny! I think it's here again. The signs 00:43:34.219 --> 00:43:38.059 are back. Don't be silly, son. It's all right. 00:43:38.360 --> 00:43:43.159 That's just the house settling. The sides are 00:43:43.159 --> 00:43:45.400 bad though, I know there's shit in the sides. 00:43:46.420 --> 00:43:48.920 It's just an old building. Oh fuck, my wallet. 00:44:14.889 --> 00:44:18.750 safe in this house anymore. Nonsense. I want 00:44:18.750 --> 00:44:21.090 to go back to our old house, the one that was 00:44:21.090 --> 00:44:24.989 bigger. And I want you to get your old job, the 00:44:24.989 --> 00:44:30.469 one that paid better. I'm just trying to be a 00:44:30.469 --> 00:44:33.889 good dad. You can't have your job back at the 00:44:33.889 --> 00:44:36.889 middle of. Why not though? Because it's mine 00:44:36.889 --> 00:44:41.829 and people love me there. I knew those numbers 00:44:41.829 --> 00:44:49.250 too. Don't slow clap. Congratulations. I'm gonna 00:44:49.250 --> 00:44:53.230 take you down. Do you know how many people have 00:44:53.230 --> 00:44:57.489 tried to take me down? Armies, waves of people 00:44:57.489 --> 00:45:01.929 have tried to take me down. And I hid. And they 00:45:01.929 --> 00:45:04.889 will not find me. If you come for me, I will 00:45:04.889 --> 00:45:08.190 hide until the end of my days. And when you think 00:45:08.190 --> 00:45:15.480 my days are over... And in the time that you're 00:45:15.480 --> 00:45:21.940 hiding, I will run bingo. Good luck getting attendance. 00:45:24.460 --> 00:45:34.340 Why would anyone say that? You have a lot of 00:45:34.340 --> 00:45:40.159 jobs. Is that a problem? It is a little bit, 00:45:40.179 --> 00:45:43.300 given that we fund the bingo hall. And your place. 00:45:44.339 --> 00:45:48.039 And your various consultant jobs. Everybody benefits? 00:45:49.860 --> 00:45:53.440 Dermot doesn't. Can I have one of them? He comes 00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:56.820 to me for therapy. He benefits. Yeah. Do you 00:45:56.820 --> 00:45:58.840 think it's working? Pratfall. Pratfall room. 00:46:00.320 --> 00:46:02.699 You don't have to do that. You'll gain sympathy. 00:46:02.960 --> 00:46:05.239 Forget about it. Forget about it. It was the 00:46:05.239 --> 00:46:07.579 perfect room and you didn't do it. Kick some 00:46:07.579 --> 00:46:12.050 direction! I'm sorry. I just feel like a therapist 00:46:12.050 --> 00:46:14.849 shouldn't be shouting at you. Only when I'm bad. 00:46:15.190 --> 00:46:19.150 And also, I am not playing the role of therapist 00:46:19.150 --> 00:46:21.789 right now. Yeah, but I feel like it's a, you 00:46:21.789 --> 00:46:23.690 know, client confidentiality, the fact that we 00:46:23.690 --> 00:46:26.369 even know that you're in counseling with the 00:46:26.369 --> 00:46:28.610 Colonel, and that you discuss things outside 00:46:28.610 --> 00:46:30.849 of your sessions. Oh no, he live streams them, 00:46:30.909 --> 00:46:33.889 so it's fine. Oh, so you're a streamer as well? 00:46:34.630 --> 00:46:44.480 No. He just puts it online. Not yet. We'll keep 00:46:44.480 --> 00:46:49.179 an eye on that. I mean, we can, but I feel like 00:46:49.179 --> 00:46:51.619 we can't stop him. People have tried to stop 00:46:51.619 --> 00:46:57.320 me before. And I will hide. Yes, we all know 00:46:57.320 --> 00:47:00.960 you hid in every war you've ever participated 00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:03.400 in, from every conflict you've ever encountered. 00:47:04.119 --> 00:47:07.219 Up in the gods. That's the only clue I know. 00:47:11.340 --> 00:47:15.980 You're haunting the P .E. hall. I wish I would 00:47:15.980 --> 00:47:21.659 make it my own. Do we have another question? 00:47:22.300 --> 00:47:25.400 Yeah, I think that Father Huberp is here today. 00:47:25.800 --> 00:47:29.920 Ah, my favourite. Your favourite? My favourite 00:47:29.920 --> 00:47:32.079 of the fathers. You have a favourite priest? 00:47:32.840 --> 00:47:35.980 Do you not? I have a least favourite, but I don't 00:47:35.980 --> 00:47:37.840 have a favourite. You know what? I do have a 00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:42.500 favourite. I'm sorry I was so judgmental. You 00:47:42.500 --> 00:47:45.239 can change. We can all change. Just as I change 00:47:45.239 --> 00:47:50.420 form when I take on a different role. Well, Father 00:47:50.420 --> 00:47:53.239 Hubert was complaining that people weren't giving 00:47:53.239 --> 00:47:55.780 enough to collections in the past few months. 00:47:55.840 --> 00:47:59.900 Outrageous. Father, where are you? Oh, over here. 00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:06.960 Good afternoon, and God bless yous. God bless 00:48:06.960 --> 00:48:13.989 you. I do the blessing here, son, alright? I 00:48:13.989 --> 00:48:16.269 apologise, I did not mean to step on your toes 00:48:16.269 --> 00:48:19.369 there. I'll see you in confession, alright? I 00:48:19.369 --> 00:48:21.449 confess to a different priest. I also don't think 00:48:21.449 --> 00:48:24.349 you're supposed to see people that way. You're 00:48:24.349 --> 00:48:26.130 not, which is why I confess to a different priest. 00:48:28.170 --> 00:48:30.610 Ideally you shouldn't see anyone when you're 00:48:30.610 --> 00:48:33.630 confessing. But also, ideally you'd see more 00:48:33.630 --> 00:48:36.889 money in the collection plates. Of which there 00:48:36.889 --> 00:48:42.599 has been scants. What is the issue? I see us 00:48:42.599 --> 00:48:45.579 all driving around in these fancy cars, buying 00:48:45.579 --> 00:48:50.840 chicken wraps from the marriage. Having your 00:48:50.840 --> 00:48:54.579 lights on before twilight. God can still see 00:48:54.579 --> 00:48:59.320 you then. I mean, I personally don't know if 00:48:59.320 --> 00:49:03.619 I can visit any church around for fear of, you 00:49:03.619 --> 00:49:06.320 know, being taken away from this earthly state 00:49:06.320 --> 00:49:13.070 that I'm currently in. We have PayPal. There's 00:49:13.070 --> 00:49:15.829 a wee contactless machine in the basket until 00:49:15.829 --> 00:49:21.250 it was sold. So you can just PayPal me. Okay, 00:49:21.289 --> 00:49:22.989 well maybe if you were to ever bring the basket 00:49:22.989 --> 00:49:25.210 outside of the church grounds, then maybe we 00:49:25.210 --> 00:49:27.429 could... Well, can't do that. The seagulls sweep 00:49:27.429 --> 00:49:31.190 down. Between them and the magpies, there's nothing 00:49:31.190 --> 00:49:34.829 left. So that we can get a better understanding 00:49:34.829 --> 00:49:38.010 of the issue, how... If you can disclose how 00:49:38.010 --> 00:49:39.849 much money are you receiving and how much money 00:49:39.849 --> 00:49:41.969 would you like to receive in the weekly collections? 00:49:42.510 --> 00:49:46.010 At present, according to my figures... Hold on, 00:49:46.070 --> 00:49:52.670 where's my accountant? Yes? She was asking how 00:49:52.670 --> 00:49:59.610 much per week. Um, like gross or net? What would 00:49:59.610 --> 00:50:02.010 you prefer? Whatever figures you have, to be 00:50:02.010 --> 00:50:04.849 honest. Would they not be identical figures? 00:50:15.630 --> 00:50:22.130 Either way, it's about 50p all in. A 5 -0. I 00:50:22.130 --> 00:50:24.550 don't have anything for that in the hall, but 00:50:24.550 --> 00:50:44.360 people get the point. It's 50. It's 50. You're 00:50:44.360 --> 00:50:46.420 a slippery one. That's why you're my best ninja. 00:50:46.639 --> 00:50:50.920 Now, you have two options. Because obviously 00:50:50.920 --> 00:50:52.980 this is all there. I'm gonna be at the table, 00:50:53.039 --> 00:50:56.579 off the books. Of course. In the mind of the 00:50:56.579 --> 00:51:02.239 seer. Listen, you're getting paid. But do you 00:51:02.239 --> 00:51:04.260 want your money gross? Or do you want it in the 00:51:04.260 --> 00:51:11.099 net? Why would I want gross money? I want clean, 00:51:11.179 --> 00:51:12.820 crisp money. Well, that's what you think you 00:51:12.820 --> 00:51:16.119 want. Oh, there it is. That's gross. That's just 00:51:16.119 --> 00:51:19.280 a burlap bag full of, eh, a sort of change. But 00:51:19.280 --> 00:51:20.719 there's like gung and stuff in it. Well, there 00:51:20.719 --> 00:51:22.659 might be gung, there might be things that have 00:51:22.659 --> 00:51:24.599 sentimental value to you, and of course... Uh 00:51:24.599 --> 00:51:28.239 oh. It slipped through the holes. No, wait, no! 00:51:29.940 --> 00:51:33.800 I can see it's my mind though. You could have 00:51:33.800 --> 00:51:37.480 someone gravel it. What? Can I have one minute? 00:51:37.559 --> 00:51:41.159 Can I have one minute? Of course. No, don't fucking 00:51:41.159 --> 00:51:44.019 tell. and Hansel and Gretel it. That's why the 00:51:44.019 --> 00:51:46.139 don't -joes making no money, is people just keep 00:51:46.139 --> 00:51:48.500 following the trails out. You're doing a great 00:51:48.500 --> 00:51:54.980 job, Harry. I'm sorry, it's just, I hate to see 00:51:54.980 --> 00:51:58.739 the money lying around. I'm worried the bagpipes 00:51:58.739 --> 00:52:02.059 get to it. I won't serve bagpipes in my shop. 00:52:02.179 --> 00:52:03.880 I don't care if they've got currency. Look, I 00:52:03.880 --> 00:52:07.159 keep telling you, bigger denominations, the money 00:52:07.159 --> 00:52:09.880 won't get through. But the net looks so empty. 00:52:10.559 --> 00:52:13.960 I mean, just three notes. It hardly feels worth 00:52:13.960 --> 00:52:27.400 it. Please don't leave the dojo. Father Grant? 00:52:28.300 --> 00:52:32.139 Yeah? Why? I've just been feeling kind of weird 00:52:32.139 --> 00:52:36.480 lately, I guess. I've been, um... I've been having 00:52:36.480 --> 00:52:38.519 some other communion wafers in church and... 00:52:40.049 --> 00:52:41.889 Just got me feeling some kind of way or some 00:52:41.889 --> 00:52:44.389 kind of... Bert, Bert, we can't eat those. Why? 00:52:44.710 --> 00:52:51.389 Bert, they make us look slow. It's like the wedding 00:52:51.389 --> 00:52:55.269 rice. It's like the rice from the weddings. You 00:52:55.269 --> 00:52:56.650 only had a little bit though, right? You only 00:52:56.650 --> 00:54:51.389 had a little bit? getting back into it. Does 00:54:51.389 --> 00:54:56.090 that include any times that we're not... Excuse 00:54:56.090 --> 00:55:04.530 me! Please finish, my child. I sneezed. She sneezes 00:55:04.530 --> 00:55:07.409 weird. That's sort of one of the reasons we're 00:55:07.409 --> 00:55:10.789 here. We kind of think she might have a demon. 00:55:12.769 --> 00:55:20.760 Brilliant! an exorcism in quite some time. You 00:55:20.760 --> 00:55:23.460 know, I was known as the demon priest of Dunbracken 00:55:23.460 --> 00:55:33.900 for a while. So I can commune with them. There's 00:55:33.900 --> 00:55:38.420 something not right about her at all. She often 00:55:38.420 --> 00:55:41.519 speaks in tongues, Father. I said no physical 00:55:41.519 --> 00:55:59.730 touching. Do I need to stand back? Is there a 00:55:59.730 --> 00:56:04.230 splash zone? There may be fluids, but what I'm 00:56:04.230 --> 00:56:09.389 gonna do is I'm gonna draw the demon out of her 00:56:09.389 --> 00:56:16.710 and into me as a vessel. Will it hurt? Pardon? 00:56:16.949 --> 00:56:19.690 Will it hurt me? No, but I will be in tremendous 00:56:19.690 --> 00:56:28.190 pain. Like our Lord once was. Hang on, Father. 00:56:28.969 --> 00:56:30.710 Who's gonna get it out of you once it's in you? 00:56:32.010 --> 00:58:01.389 I'll absorb it. It's much needed. Yes, we'll 00:58:01.389 --> 00:58:05.170 be back in 10 minutes. Enjoy some beverages or 00:58:05.170 --> 00:58:11.550 don't. It's BYOB. You could have brought your 00:58:11.550 --> 00:58:15.250 own if you didn't. You're thirsty. But we're 00:58:15.250 --> 00:58:17.269 going to take a 10 minute recess. We will be 00:58:17.269 --> 00:58:51.699 back soon, I think. Are we voting on break? Yes. 00:58:51.820 --> 00:58:58.039 We're voting on break. Thank you for listening 00:58:58.039 --> 00:59:02.860 to this. We were very fortunate to have a wonderful 00:59:02.860 --> 00:59:06.840 cast on the day, and they were as follows. Patrick 00:59:06.840 --> 00:59:10.300 Meyer, Laura Conlon, George Donnelly, Kieran 00:59:10.300 --> 00:59:14.860 Sands, Amelia Price, Niall McKenna, Jean McKeever, 00:59:15.099 --> 00:59:19.019 Marcus Keeley, Aaron Marshall, Eddie Goodwin, 00:59:19.559 --> 00:59:23.219 J .R. McCormick, Aidan Kelly, Debbie McCormick, 00:59:23.340 --> 00:59:26.440 and Tiff Minson. This show was recorded on June 00:59:26.440 --> 00:59:30.559 the 28th of July? What am I saying? This show, 00:59:30.599 --> 00:59:33.519 ah, it was recorded on the 28th of June, 2025, 00:59:33.820 --> 00:59:38.840 at the Accidental Theatre in Belfast. Thank you 00:59:38.840 --> 00:59:41.380 so much for listening, and have a good day. I 00:59:41.380 --> 00:59:43.380 don't know. Enjoy.