The trick is to make sure the water's ice cold
before you put the spaghetti in. Right, so how
long is it meant to take to cook then? How long
are you willing to wait for the best spaghetti
of your life? Maximum five minutes. Okay, well
it's going to take a little bit longer than that
because we're going to have to wait for the sun
to come up. Right, I've been wondering why we're
doing Italian cooking lessons in the dark. Is
this like a weird thing or is this like properly
what we're meant to be doing? It's not a weird
thing. It's not a weird thing. It feels weird.
It's not a weird thing, don't worry. It's not
a weird thing. The Italians have never seen the
sun. You what? The Italians have never seen the
sun. Just because they show it as lit up on the
map doesn't mean they get light. No. Right. It's
all a tourism trap. I feel like I've made a mistake.
I feel like I'm doing a pasta lesson with like
conspiracy theorists or something. We are all
Italians. All of us have never seen the sun.
My name's Giovanni. My name is Martin. And I'm
Kyle. Right. Well, lovely to meet you. Thank
you. Lovely to meet you, too. What's your name?
My name's Deirdre. And honestly, I... What an
Italian name. I'm not Italian. Have you considered
citizenship? Right, I'm not Italian. You're awfully
pale. With long hands for digging. Like this
wet spaghetti, not like this hard and dry spaghetti.
Do you know what? I have been to Italy before,
and I'm going to be honest with you. Oh, did
you meet Giovanni Junior, my son? Stop bringing
up your son at the lesson. You'll never find
him. You'll never find your son. Why'd you leave
if you wanted to find your son? Sorry, dear.
He's thriving. Right, there's a lot going on.
I'm just waiting for the pasta, if I'm being
honest. It won't cook until the magma finds the
pot. The magma? Oh, yeah, we're deep underground.
The elevator went deep. We've just been out for
dinner. Don't want to hear it. It was massive,
wasn't it? It was really. It was actually lovely.
Will you all shut up? I'm trying to watch this
show. We've all seen Grease. We're just waiting
for the songs. We're waiting for them in silence.
Well, no, we'll have to get ourselves a bit hyped
up. I don't know if I can... Get hyped up at
dinner. That's what the dinner part of the show
is for. I feel like the dinner was eaten. Food
doesn't excite me. Music does. I'm tired of potatoes.
You didn't have to order potatoes. Hasselback?
I don't... I don't even know what that is. Why
did I order that, dear? You ordered a... I ordered
the Hasselback potatoes, but I don't understand
what it is. They brought him sea bass. I truly
just don't care. I just... When's the songs?
That's what I want to know. They are soon. Are
they happening? Are we still doing the songs?
I am tight. Are you guys going to sing along?
Can we ask the waiter? Hello? Are we still having
the songs? Is this still happening? Are you going
to sing along? This isn't a sing -along. I'm
singing along. You're not singing along. I'm
singing... Well... Why are the words in the program
if we're not singing along? This isn't church.
Answer me that. We can read along with it. They're
not going to ask us to stand. Yeah, but it's
my church, in a way. This is your fault, you
know. It can't possibly. I know you booked both
of those movies out that you swapped the CDs.
This is very inconvenient. I swapped the CDs.
I'm not saying you're doing it intentionally.
It's very inconvenient. Yeah, of course. I'm
inconvenient. It's inconvenient. I feel inconvenient.
But I think there's somebody here amongst us.
Somebody here amongst us. Were you trying to
learn the songs in advance? Is that what it is?
It's not. You were taking it out and you were
trying to learn the songs just in case. By looking
at the CDs. I took the CDs out of the box and
I osmosized lyrics into my mind from looking
at the CDs. Yeah, you admit it then. No, I'm
not admitting it. I'm saying that it's an insane
proposition. It's an insane proposition for you
to say Shut up. Shut up, both of you. You know,
all I said was, I'm going for dinner and a show.
And you guys said, sure, when are we leaving?
It wasn't an invite. Of course you said that.
I just wanted a quiet night. Why would you have
told us that? Why would you say if you're not
inviting us? So you know I'm not going to be
back till late. That was all. You don't live
with us. We don't care what time you go home.
Why did you tell us that you were doing this
if it wasn't for us to come with you? I get worried.
It is true. I do get worried. I get worried.
also, of course I do. It's true, you get worried.
Yeah, I get worried. You know what? I'm not really
worried. He's worried. I look in through the
window because he's the one who's worried. You
look in through my window. I get worried. We
get worried. We do look in the window just to
see if you're okay. Okay, you know what? We have
a rota. This is why I said I'm going to be out
because I'm going to be in a situation where
my phone will be on silent for two hours and
twelve minutes. Why is your phone on silent?
Because then we don't know if you're okay. Because
I'm watching a movie. I want to know if you're
fine. I didn't swap the discs. What? You definitely
swapped the discs. I didn't swap the discs. You
do this all the time. I wanted to play Mario
Kart and instead it was Zelda. It's a different
game. Have you been osmosising Zelda? Is that
what's been happening? Are you trying to get
that green man into your body again? I had friends
over. We can't play Zelda together. Why not?
Because it's a one player game. We all wanted
to play Mario Kart. It's about sharing the experience.
You embarrassed me. It's about sharing the experience.
You pass the controllers. You have a few laughs.
One of you fights the big guy with the name that
begins with G. I've never seen you fight the
big guy that begins with G. Oh. It's Gallendorf.
It isn't. Folks, I'm a bit worried because it
feels like you have not left this place and you
think you're in Italy. And you're really not.
We're not in Italy. We're in an Italian restaurant.
I understand that. I really do. But you don't
sound very Italian. I've never seen Italian.
I'm most Italian guy. What's wrong, Martin? I
just don't appreciate being said. I don't sound
like I'm Italian. I'm clearly Italian. You don't
sound Italian. I'm like, okay, I'm not from here.
I've just come over here for this workshop. You're
not from Italy either. I'm not from Italy. No,
I'm not from Italy. You could have thought me.
I suppose you want one of those fake accents.
I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to denigrate
myself. Don't wave your hands around. Right.
I came over here just to do this workshop a bit
of fun because, you know, I am a chef, so I'm
trying to get better at Italian cuisine. Thank
you. No worries. Looks like you've got a bit
of a bubble there. Oh, that's nice. I'm a bit
concerned because it shouldn't... As a chef,
I do know that, like, pasta does not take that
long to cook. And if you have... Takes more than
five minutes. Yeah, you haven't waited on Magma
before. No, I haven't, if I'm being honest. I
haven't. But it is a bit worrying because we
shouldn't be this close to Magma, if I'm being
honest. I wouldn't be worried about ourselves.
I'd be worried about a patron's 14 stories higher
than us. So is this how this restaurant works?
You take... Take their orders. You take... OK.
Go down 14 stories into the Earth's core. Is
this via sort of steps or is this via kind of
an escalator or a lift? Remember that black bag
we put over your head? I do, and I was a bit
concerned then as well, if I'm being honest.
Smelled some spices, did it not? That's a spice
bag. Sorry, I just need a bag back as well. Yeah,
you can have it. Oh, excuse me, it is all about...
Alberto, excuse me being late. I cannot help
but hear this new chef. Sounds as if she does
not believe in our slow -cooked spaghetti. Just
to clarify, just to clarify, I don't work here.
I'm simply here for a workshop, all right? Just
a simple student who for some reason, Alberto,
you're not going to believe this, for some reason,
Alberto, I could laugh. Alberto, this student
has very presumptuous ways, has come to a school
and yet seems to want to school the teachers.
Is that correct? No, no, I'm just worried because
honestly, we're underground. We're cooking with
magma. Yeah, fancy. And you're blindfolded. Well,
you didn't even blindfold me. You put an hood
over my head. And it's a bit worrying because
it doesn't feel like authentic. Italian cuisine.
It feels a bit more kidnappy. Alberto is so pleased
you used the word feel. This is how old cooking
should be done. You want your lights and your
ovens. What about the magma and the spaghetti?
That is a slow cook with your art and not your
impure heat from impure sauces. Believe Alberto
and his team of... Yes, Alberto is from our Yorkshire
division. And the kidnapping is a bit of an English
tradition I know. And for what it's worth, there's
nothing more Italian than cooking underground.
For the pasta came from flour, which came from
the corn, which came from the earth, which came
from the stone. Okay, that's a lot of steps.
You want a lot of steps, you should go to the
Leaning Tower of Pisa, which we have, but inverted,
so the top is at the bottom. Okay. But it's right
over here. Well, that's... lovely to know it's
nice to know when i hopefully leave this place
you can leave whenever you want you will oh no
i am hoping i am i am but when you say that it
feels a bit weird but i do feel like i am here
to learn but i think you know a good step for
you as a kitchen would to have an oven you know
How long are the customers meant to wait for
their food? Deirdre, first lesson of this. Deirdre.
Sorry, Deirdre. First lesson of this. No one
looked perfectly reasonable. It's just a bit
groovy, doesn't it? I'm sorry. I've got distracted
by it. I mean, we're wasting valuable cooking
time. But first lesson of Italian cooking school
is to stir and also watch the magma because it's
eaten the entire pot and the food's ruined, really.
but there's nothing better than a stout after
a hard day's work. Ooh, now I don't know about
that. I'm having a nice white wine and I'm feeling
relaxed. It may relax you, but there's nothing
that beats the creaminess of a stout. I don't
want creaminess after a long day. Why would you
want creaminess? You want something like a soft
lullaby. Oh, no, have you been at the ragged?
depths of bits as I have. You need to smooth
the joints from the inside with some creamy stout.
Now don't you tell me about sore joints. I've
been a rodeo clown all my life and my joints
are sore than anything you've ever felt. I don't
know if you've ever been kicked by a mule, but
a bull is ten times worse. I've never been kicked
by a mule, but I've been shattered up by a few
arses. And that means I'd better cream. After
a long day of having those asses on you, day
in, day out, there's nothing better. Gentlemen,
have you decided if you'd like to order food?
Now, one second. That hilarious asses joke really
got me grinning, and I haven't been looking at
the menu. I haven't looked at the menu either.
I was thinking of that joke for a while. Have
you now? I thought you seemed distracted. I'll
give you a few more minutes. Oh, thanks. Thank
you. A rodeo. Yeah. All my life. Real bull or
the ones that you just press a button and it
spins around? Oh, real bull. They don't need
clowns for the mechanical ones. Taking all my
work. You're a clown too. What? You're a clown
too. Rodeo clown. I distract the bull. Isn't
that what the Spanish boys do? No, no, they fight
them. I distract them between the rounds. Between
the rounds? Between the rounds. Or if your Spanish
fella fell to the ground. They don't like it
when they get trampled, so I distract them. Oh,
for the children so they don't see the blood
and viscera. Ah, yeah. Have you decided if you'd
like to order food yet? Give us a minute. We're
getting to somewhere here. A few more minutes,
please. I'll give you a few more minutes, yes.
Will you actually give us a few minutes, or will
you be hovering? Yeah, I'd be hovering right
over here. Clown rodeo. Rodeo clown. Sorry. A
clown rodeo. Now, I've never been in one of those.
Seem like great fun. I feel like I've been living
under a rock. Have I never talked about my work?
How long have we known each other for, Derek?
Well, usually we just talk about wine and stouts
and back and forth. That's true. I do like a
pattern. Yeah? Can I just leave these specials
boards with you gentlemen? No. Okay. You know,
I never asked what you've done. I dig trenches.
Trenches? Pits. I know what they are. Colloquially,
they're also known as drains. Shucks. So any
kind of digging, really? Any kind of digging.
Grave? No. No. So not any? No. The trains? No,
I don't work with dead. The trains, that's not
the dead. Oh, the trains? The trains. They're
a tunnel. So, yes. Oh. Nice. Um, sirs, the kitchen's
about to close, so if you'd like to place an
order, you'd have to do it quite soon. I'll have
a thick stout. You know what? In the spirit of
getting to know you better, I'll take a thick
stout, too. I'm afraid we're all out of stouts.
I do not care for this establishment. I'm sorry.
Terry, no. I just have to do it. The house is
going to be stinking. Is Muscles called for something?
Are they talking about... Do you think they're
talking about drugs? I thought they were talking
about one of the henchmen. Oh, Mr. Muscles. Mr.
Muscles, but they probably just say Mr. Muscles.
I think on this occasion it is just Muscles.
Okay, we'll keep listening. Garlic cream. Garlic
cream. It's cocaine. Garlic cream. It's not going
to cancel out the shellfish allergy. Come on
now, Terry. I can't help it. It's like it gets
a hold of me. As soon as I see the word muscles
on the menu, I get a quiver down below. So, Terry,
when the muscles come out, I'll take them. You
can take my cage. Have we wiretapped the right
people? Is this all code? I think so. I think
that is the crime family. Who set up the wiretap
here? Was it you? No, it was Bleven. Oh. Okay,
yeah, well... Why do you look like that? It's
bleeding. Bleeding's trying its best. I know.
There you go. He's had it now. I'm quite hungry.
I'm getting a bit hungry too, to be honest. Do
you think we can be safe to leave the van? I
don't think they're going to talk about any crimes.
Are you sure they're not talking about crimes
right now? I don't think so. It's gotten really
cerebral, the crime speak. I think they're just
talking about dinner. Okay, but maybe they're
talking about how they whacked Mr. Muscles. Maybe
that's what the quiver was about. I don't fucking
know. I've been on this job two weeks. You've
been in this van for two weeks? Yeah. Look, I
didn't want to ask with smell. Sorry. No, sorry.
No one should treat you like this. Come with
me. I live three streets away. Use my shower.
I'll make you a big plate of chips. No, you have
to listen to me. I've been sitting in silence
for a minute now. No, no, no. Tim Carey. Who
the fuck is that? I don't know. Who is that?
That could be someone important. Do you know
that film where he ends up going in a boat? He's
scared of water. Oh, this is Mr. Popper's Penguins.
They're both wrong, it's Mr. Popper's Penguins.
Code for cocaine, I think. Yeah, do you want
to bust in? I've been in here for two weeks.
I don't think my legs work anymore. Oh my God.
But if you want to call the big wigs in. The
big wigs? The judges? No. Convict. The big, the
pigs. Big, the pigs. The big pigs. You call our
superiors big pigs? We definitely can hear us,
right? It does seem like... Because that was
a bit odd. Yeah, thematically. And Blevyn isn't
very good with technology. Maybe they're just
lonely. Two lonely men. in your lower regions.
That's where the mics are. The mics? Plevin miked
them around the lower tummy. Around the groin.
Oh, Plevin. That's typical Plevin. Typical Plevin.
I thought I could believe in him, but he's just
Plevin. I could make it better than this. What,
this bastard? Yeah. I'll cook you up a pasta
you'd never believe. I mean, I don't exactly
deny it. I ain't ever had your food before. This
was supposed to be a business meeting, but an
interesting opening gambit there. Bit bold to
come into a chef's restaurant and start telling
everybody how to make pasta. Here, look, I'm
keeping my voice down. I'm just talking to two
of you. But you know what? If I had you in my
kitchen, I'd cook you up a storm. Long pastas,
short pastas, fat pastas, thin pastas. I'd be
making them. You know they all have names. Don't.
Every single pasta. Don't. They've got a taglet.
They've got a sputicana, a little pradoont. Can
you describe the wee pradoont to me? It's the
small, sort of curly, whirly guy. A little button
of a pasta. A little action man bow tie guy.
A wee buttons. I know another wee buttons. Don't
like the achimambu ties. They're disgusting.
They're stuck in my throat. I don't chew my pasta
now. Call it fouglian. Best way to get the sauce
into your gut is just by swallowing it whole.
I've heard this, but listen, you're the PR guy.
I don't know how you sell pasta sauces. We're
simple chefs. Simple chefs. If we're getting
down to the meat of it, the way to sell any business
is by talking about how to swallow pasta. Or
swallow any sort of carbohydrate, if we're really
talking about it. So you've had success with
other carbohydrates before. Maybe your breads,
maybe your rolls, maybe your rice. I don't do
bread now. You don't do breads. Don't do breads.
Carbohydrate guy, you don't do breads. No, I'm
a potato and rice man myself. Potato and rice.
It's starch. Potatoes are starch. Yeah, but there's
carbs in there. Is there not? That's close enough.
Is there not carbs in potatoes? What about your
crisps? You do crisps? You swallow crisps? No.
You swallow crisps? You can't swallow them whole.
If you can't swallow it whole, I can't be representing
you. Listen, I feel like we got off to a bit
of a rough start here. Maybe we order a little
bottle of red, a bottle of white. Yeah, yeah.
Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight. You
know, we'll get something from the bar. Yeah,
right. Well, it was an accident. This guy spits
bars like nobody's business. All right, all right.
But we might be able to use that. We might be
able to use that. You think we could use that
on the air? Who knows? We can't be promoting
drinking, like. Tell me this. What would you
like? What's your preference? Just a big, big
bowl of wet pasta. I don't really care. I've
been working my old throat. I can swallow any
pasta they serve me, but I don't like sauce.
Well, you just open your gullet and it just always
goes down. Oh, aye. You just bunch the spaghetti
up and you push it down. Could you swallow for
me, sir, an entire lasagna, fresh from the oven?
Now, I haven't done that in many a year. And
to be honest, I'm not a big fan. The white sauce
is fine because it's basically like eating pasta
but liquid. But the red sauce, that lets you
know that it's not pasta. You know, it seems
weird when it's red. You don't get red pasta.
I've seen those inky pastas, you know, the pasta
where they take the squid ink and, you know,
they put it in the dough. I've never heard of
that, sir. No, you don't want it. You don't want
it. It doesn't look like pasta, and pasta's the
only food. All other foods are lie. So, if you're
wanting to eat normal pasta, and you ask me what
I wanted, I'd just, you know, a big bowl of wet
spaghetti. Doesn't matter how you wet it, though.
A wee bit of water, a wee bit of butter, I don't
care. Just push it down my throat. How other
would you wet it, sir? Oh, no, you can boil it
now. You have to boil the pasta. If you don't
boil it, it's not soft. And you can't get it
down your throat if it's not soft. But I don't
like sauce. This is all incredibly interesting
here, but we are at a business meeting. This
is supposed to be a transaction. You are here
to do PR for this restaurant. And all you've
done so far is talk about how much you enjoy
eating wet pasta. I'm sorry you sought me out.
You came to me because I am responsible for the
top three pasta restaurants in this region. of
this province, of this county in Ireland. Look,
nobody raps any finer. You always do the best
stuff with your PR. That's why you're the best
in the biz. But we've got to ask you, do we have
to just make wet pasta, or can we do our own
chef stuff? Like, we like to make meals. Cooking,
normal cooking. I see your question, and I raise
you another question. Do you want dry pasta?
Al dente, yeah. No, I just mean slightly firm
in the middle. I'm sorry. Tell me this. Whenever
you make a spaghetti bolognese, do you not just
take a little bit of the dry pasta and just,
like, chew on it? And then I spit it right out.
Spit it on the cooker, spit it on the wall, I
don't care. But it's getting out of my mouth.
That's a very aggressive stance to take on spaghetti,
sir. Or any food at all, really. It's, I argue,
is a little abnormal. For somebody that works
in the PR business for restaurants, you're coming
into this place, tell me you're spitting spaghetti
on the wall. How many restaurants have you represented
in an advertising capacity? I think you know
the answer is none, sir. Correct. And how many
have I represented? I think you know the answer
is six, sir. It is. It is six. But they're all
pretty good restaurants. You're telling us that
they're all dry pasta restaurants? No, they're
wet pasta restaurants. I just don't like sauce.
I don't like sauce that looks like sauce. Are
you serving lasagna with just wet sheets of pasta?
Wet sheets, a bit of a bechamel, but no tomatoes.
Get out of here. Are you kidding me? No. We're
talking ground, boiled chicken, and bechamel,
and pasta sheets. You know, Davey, I mean, he's
been so successful the previous six places, like,
I mean... Did we go with this guy? I don't think
we... Well, we're going to just cook, but this
guy says we're going to cook. I thought he was
going to do an advert for us. I thought he was
going to come in here, take a couple of pictures,
you stirring the stuff, some people eating the
stuff. Look, I can hear you. My pictures, they're
in black and white, so it doesn't matter what
colour your sauce is. It'll all look the same.
Some delicious shade of grey. I don't want to
play with him anymore. OK, thank you so much,
guys, for coming. I know waiter training can
be quite difficult, but I think you guys really
have what it takes to be the waiters for this
really wonderful restaurant, OK? Oh, thank you.
That means so much to me, Delphine. Oh, you're
so welcome. Thank you so much for saying that.
You have been such an interesting and informative
teacher. Thank you for taking the time out today.
Well... You know, I work really hard in the restaurant
business and I'm really happy that you guys are
working so hard to become really wonderful waiters.
Thank you so much. Yeah, I was just going to
ask if this is an appropriate time. Whenever
a customer comes in and says, I have a deathly
allergy to peanuts, are we supposed to change
the menu for them or just kind of carry on and
just like, Make a mental note of that. Really
good question. Thank you so much for asking me.
Do you know what? I think it's a mix of both.
You just don't give them anything that has peanuts
in it. Okay? So make a mental note. So if they
say, could I get the peanut pasta with the peanut
surprise? You go, hang on a second. This person
told me they can't have peanuts. Yeah, but if
they know that they're allergic to peanuts and
they order that, do they not deserve that? Um...
I think they deserve what's coming to them. However,
I think being publicly liable, I think being
publicly liable, this isn't for us. This isn't
for us. I mean, I would love to see someone with
a peanut allergy choke on their words, saying,
I know there's no peanut in that. I'd love to
say, go for it. You go for it. However, we really
do have to think about the brand and the restaurant.
So I think if someone says I have a nut allergy
or a dairy allergy or a gluten allergy, if they're
being a smartass about it, it can be really tempting
to let them choke on their words. However, I
really think it's best practice to not allow
them to die in our restaurant. But really good
question. And how much free food do we get? Sir,
I'm... When I'm there, like, not, can I just
nibble? Um... Before or after? I'm easy. Okay,
what's worrying me there is before or after.
So what we really don't want to do is have...
No, no, no. Okay, so even like, I know it's tempting.
I really know it's tempting. I really do know
it's tempting to have a little corner here, a
little chip here. However, what we really want
to do... No, we just don't want to touch. Our
customers' food. How do we know that they're
not dying from it? What if it's been poisoned?
Yeah, what if there's peanuts in it and we're
just picking them out? Gotta taste test it. Okay,
guys, this is a really good question. I'm really
glad we're doing this. I can eat the whole peanut
away from them. That's fair. Okay, I can see
where you're coming from there. Okay, okay. what
we're not going to do. So our chefs, you've met
them, yeah? What they're not going to do is poison
the food, okay? They're not poisoning it, guys.
And that's a really good question. I love questions.
I love getting questions from you guys. It really
makes my job worthwhile. But they don't poison
the food. So what we don't need to do is try
the food to see if it's poisoned. Okay, but very
good question. Thank you for asking me, though.
Okay, but if they order the fish and then they
say after the meal, that they're allergic to
fish as they're being taken into the ambulance.
What am I supposed to do? Yes, this is relevant
to something that happened last week. I completely
understand that. This has happened to me before.
Someone saying, I'm allergic, I'm allergic to
pine nuts, like putting their fist in the air.
Like, I get this, I get this. I really do understand
this. Thank you so much for your question. So
if they're saying this to you as they're being
rolled into the ambulance by the paramedics,
what we do is deny. So we don't let them know.
We don't let them have anything. We don't give
them anything that their lawyers can use because,
heck, we know they love that. What we really
want them to do is really reflect. So our ethos
as a restaurant is to really let people reflect
on what they're doing and really reflect on the
food and everything, but also their own behavior.
And I think that's really important as well.
Okay, so what if they have ordered the peanut
and then I try the peanut, just a little nibble,
a little corner of the nibble of the peanut,
and then my allergies play up? Because I'm definitely
allergic to the peanut. What happens if I take
just a little nibble? Okay, this is a really
great question. I really love this question.
So what we're not going to do on the premises
is consume foods we're allergic to. So if you
know in your head that you're allergic to it,
don't eat it. I don't know what they've ordered.
I'm just giving them the food. Okay, so I think
this is a really good point. So our best practice
is to not eat the customer's food. And our other
best practice is to not eat foods you're allergic
to. So I think if you really follow those two
lines of thought, you're going to be absolutely
fine. Don't even worry about it. Don't eat any
customers I'm allergic to. Got it? Clear. Workout.
Fantastic. Thank you so much. You're dafty. Yes.
All right, pal. This has been fantastic, I have
to say. You're a great teacher. I just wanted
to ask about dog hair. Great line of questioning.
If I were out the back, right, of the restaurant,
petting my dog, right, who's here with me, right,
good big fella. Now, I'm petting him, stroking
him behind the ears and such. I want to commend
the customer comes first. Right? Of course, yeah.
I get straight back to work without even washing
my hands. Now, we, me, the waiter at the time,
I'm on the right, right? Yeah, yeah, I think
so. Guys, I'm going to put this really simply
for you guys. When you touch a dirty animal or
when you touch a dirty appliance... Oh, he's
clean -like. Yeah, Nathan's dog's clean. Okay,
understand that, though. It's still a dog. It's
still a dog, isn't it? So what we're going to
do is we're going to wash our hands so we don't
kill any of our customers. Like, that's our best
practice. We've got to keep that in mind. So
when you're stroking your dirty dog, you just
must remember, like, to wash your hands and get
that out of the way, okay? And also, don't bring
your dog into work. Is that okay? He is quite
poorly at the minute, actually, which is part
of the reason that he's here. He's been going
bald on the ears. That's great, that's great,
because most people do not have an allergy to
bald dogs. I have a confession to make. So your
dog was being a wee bit of a bastard to me. That's
his name as well there, bastard. Well, he was
living up to his name, and he bit me on the ear,
and I said, you know what you do? You bite him
right back. So I've been biting him every single
day. You haven't been biting my bastard, have
you? I've been biting your bastard on his wee
ears. And to be honest, I'm taking a lot of the
hair with me. So I don't know if it's more of
a medical issue or a me issue. Guys, I feel like
this is a really good bonding opportunity right
now. You know, as a team, we have to think about
how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves,
but also how we treat our pets. So what we're
not going to do is take chunks out of our colleague's
dogs, cats, rabbits. His dog respects me now.
And to be fair, I do not respect myself. So I
need it to pick me up from his dog. And I think,
you know, we have to think about how we're treating
ourselves as well. So if you don't respect yourselves,
don't bite a dog until it bleeds. This guy. You've
been trying to just wedge yourself between the
hierarchy of me and my dog since the day we've
met. It is the strangest thing, man. I hate myself
for it and I keep going for those peanut lasagnas
in recompense. Okay, I can understand this. Guys,
we're really sorting stuff out today. I'm really
happy we did this. So what we're not going to
do is get in the way of hierarchy either. So
obviously, I'm teaching you guys as the chef.
But what we really do need to think about in
our heads is if our colleagues have any kind
of hierarchy they're trying to uphold. So maybe
think about, so if I had a cat, I have a cat.
Guys, if I had a cat, what would that make me?
Like, what would I not want my colleagues in
this restaurant to do if I had a cat? Make you
a bad person. Be a cat person? Completely. Yeah,
no, definitely. But also, would I not want them
to get in the way of me and the relationship
of me and my cat? All right, she's away. Is that
something that I would want? Guys, like, I really
think this is a time for personal reflection,
okay? Yeah. Delphine, just one question, more
on the customer side of things, really. Yeah,
no, definitely. I think we've all, guys, I think
we've all, and we can agree that sometimes customers
can be just a pain in the arse. Massive cunts,
yeah. Yeah, if we're on a beverage service and
they're just being a bit of a dick, is it okay
if we just, whoop, a little bit of red wine over
the shoulder? Or even on the food service, guys,
and I know that I've done this. Drop a little
hot potato in their lap, especially on a first
date, am I right? I'll bite them in the ear.
Okay, so what we're not going to do, this is
a really good question, guys, and I'm really
glad you brought it up. So what we don't want
to do, as people who are in the service industry,
is that we don't want to seek revenge. We don't
want to seek revenge. And I can completely understand
where you guys are coming from. But what we're
not going to do is really physically harm the
people who come to the restaurant. But Delphine,
what if, let's say, that's your ex -partner that's
there that cheated on you relentlessly for four
years and they've come in with a date who's not
a scratch on yourself, I suppose. A downgrade.
A downgrade. Yes, thank you. You're always so
good at words. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Then, I don't know, a nice Chianti on the lap,
just on the tablecloth, would that be? This is
really difficult, and I completely understand
this. And, like, in my line of work, like, I
work with people, and I hear this a lot. I hear
this a lot. So, like, what are we going to do?
So, like, workplace relationships, like, trying
to, like, navigate relationships in the workplace.
I completely understand this. I think if they
have cheated on you multiple times, but are also
with a munter, like, what you can do... You did
that like it is, Delphine. What you can do completely
100 % is scold them slightly. I think just to
make them on the same level as their date, I
honestly think it's a nice thing to just sort
of put a bit of hot water on them. It may make
them think about things. I know I've done that
with my ex -boyfriend. I put a bit of hot water
on him and he's like, whoa, what the fuck am
I doing with my secretary? And I was like, I
don't know. We were married. And it was a lot.
It was a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot. But
really, you really just have to, like, welcome
them, these things. It's a situation -to -situation
basis. If someone who's just cheated on you once,
I think just a splash of red wine in the eye
can really open their eyes. But if it's someone
who's been an absolute dick to you multiple times
and just won't stop shagging their secretary,
who was a manta, by the way, I think putting
scalding hot soup on their lap can be slightly
okay. Is that all? Absolutely. So Delphine, you're
recommending us to upsell the sizzling hot plates
then? Oh, definitely. Definitely. Definitely.
Yeah, no, no, no, no. Definitely. We're going
for something more tapas based. We're going for
something more Spanish. You know what I mean?
And I really think those ones are really what
we're looking for. For sure. Delphine, now, if
your ex were to come to the restaurant, right,
approaching in an Apache helicopter. Yeah, yeah,
no, definitely. Guns blazing, tearing up the
top floor, absolutely blowing the bricks to pieces.
Blood, guts. Yeah, complete annihilation. No,
definitely, I know what you mean. For sure. Complete
annihilation. They approach, right, and then
they land in the mess, the rubble of the top
floor of the restaurant, and they're coming down.
Ropes dropping, blasting through the windows.
I'm there, I'm there, I'm there. And you're there.
You're the server. Your ex -boyfriend comes in
with an AK -47 machine gun, and he starts lighting
people up. What would you do? You ask them if
they have a reservation. It's up to your time
with Conlist. I'm on my phone outside again because
I don't have access to my equipment currently,
but I needed to do this closing credits thing
anyway, so here we go. First off, I'm going to
start up with a shout -out to another show here.
If any of you haven't heard of a show called
Last Dance, if you haven't listened to that before,
I cannot recommend it highly enough. It's a high
fantasy audio drama and it's made by some incredibly
talented folk that I know in Belfast. You can
find it anywhere you listen to your podcasts.
If you're listening to this, you can search Last
Dance right away on whatever you're listening
to this on and find it. It's incredibly sound
designed, incredibly acted. Oh, it's so fucking
good. It's not improvised or like the silly nonsense
from this show. It's an actual well done production.
But as of today. They have released episode 12.
Well, they released it last week, but as of today
of the day that I am talking to you right now,
they released episode 12 of their first season,
which is the penultimate episode. But season
one will be out soon for them. And why am I talking
about it other than the fact that it's an unbelievably
good show? I was a fan of it before I was ever
on it. And that's right. Episode 12. You'll hear
four familiar voices as myself, Patrick Meyer,
Amelia Price and Christine Clark. We were all.
lucky enough to feature in episode 12. So do
follow Last Dance on Instagram, Blue Sky and
all that sort of stuff, and go listen to them
so that you can hear in episode 12, me. But another
shout out too to another one of the cast members
from this very episode, J .R. McCormick, who
has started up a production company with Clark
Phillips called Felbrun Studios. So if you follow
them on Instagram and Blue Sky, those guys, that
is two guys on a serious mission. And that mission
is to produce some absolutely rad audio content.
We recorded the pilot episode for a show that
they're putting together. And my God, it's going
to be so good. Can't reveal any sort of dates,
times, names of it or anything about it yet.
I will leave that to the guys at Felbrun to do.
But we recorded the pilot with a few of the Bacta
and Bracken alumni. I won't even tell you who
did it, but trust me, it is so fucking funny.
We were laughing our entire way through it, and
if you enjoy Back to Dumb Bracken, you're going
to lose your mind at this show. It's just so
bloody funny, and it's a phenomenal concept for
a show, so I'm very excited, so please do follow
Felbrun Studios for some awesome new shows coming
out. Anyway, back to Back to Dumb Bracken. Yeah,
because in case you've been wondering why the
episode drops have been a little less frequent
or irregular at times, I have officially, completed
my move from Ireland to Pennsylvania, so congratulations
to me for that. Hopefully once things calm down,
I'll be able to get back to the fortnightly Tuesday
release schedule that we all know and love. In
anticipation of the move, I recorded an absolute
smorgasbord. I was a man possessed with the spirit
of an audio mixer and four mics running around
different people's houses and recording a bunch
more stuff with a load of people. And I have
a good 20 or so episodes worth of content that...
I will be, well, I haven't edited yet because
I'm only one man. And as I say, I've been very,
very busy. But I have a bunch of episodes in
the pipeline. And by the time that I get through
all that, I'll probably be back holidaying in
Ireland. And I'll be able to record more stuff
with those people. And there's always that fun
technology called the World Wide Web that I can
record online too with them. So this show ain't
going anywhere. I think that's Everton. Oh, no,
it isn't actually Everton. As of this moment,
I have decided to just make a little Discord
for the show, which I will put in the show notes.
Anything I've talked about will also be in the
show notes. It's brand new. It'll probably die
in death. But I figured I'd just put it together,
keep in touch with people and chat about the
show. And maybe we'll do, as episodes release,
maybe do some live lessons and whatnot and different
things like that. I'm not sure. I'm not sure
what it is yet, but it's a place to chat. I'm
almost finished editing the live show, which
has taken longer than I'd have liked, but again,
I've been very, very busy. The quality of the
video and the audio is unbelievable, so that'll
be put up on YouTube at some point. Maybe we'll
do a live watch of that whenever I release. I'm
very close to finishing, but it'll probably be
two weeks before I actually get the live episodes
out, because it's a full two hours of stuff.
Yeah, I think that's everything. So that is all
the information. And this episode featured a
classic bumper cast of, what, 16 people? Of,
what, 16 people lending their voices? Which is
hard for the chorus at this point. But they were
Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Eddie Goodwin, Emilia
Price, Claire Thompson, Andrew Robinson, J .R.
McCormick, Eden Kelly, Arne Marshall. Niall McKenna,
Megan Scott, Eddie Goodwin, Phil Greaves, Min
Witt, David McCauley, and Owen Fox. The opening
credit song and the end credit songs were both
by Connor Mallon. As always, they're incredible.
You can check the entire album out on Earth.
The album's called Unearthed, and you can check
it out on Spotify. That is where I leave you,
and I hope you come back to Dunbracken very soon.
That wasn't a very smooth transition end, but
here we go. I'm ending it. Goodbye.