So this is my dad's bunker, and I was just thinking,
like, I stole the keys. So I was like, if any
of us ever gets, like, a girlfriend or a boyfriend
or something, like, I don't mind sharing the
bunker, like, because, I mean, it would be nice
to have cars and stuff, but, like, this is a
bed, you know? And, like, supplies for days,
so you can stay down there. You could stay down
there for days with this new girlfriend, because
I assume it's going to be a bright flame. You
know where to start? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Flames
always burn brightest, you know, early on in
a relationship, you should have heard. Yeah,
much like a nuclear would, you know, a blast.
Yeah. So you could have a blast in the bunker.
In the bunker? What sort of supplies are there,
though? Oh, he is like crawfish. Oh, crawfish?
Crawfish is my favourite? Yeah, and it goes off
pretty quickly. Oh, it's not preserved? How often
does he restock this bunker? He's down there
every 12 hours. Well, I think your dad coming
down might ruin the mood a wee bit, though. No,
he said he's fine with it. He's like, I won't
look. I know in my way in the dark, he says.
He knows his way in the dark, so he won't turn
on the lights. I don't know. I still feel like
we'll hear him bumping into stuff. Well, I trust
that he does. Ever since he lost Ma, he's like,
well, if you have love, you should keep it. Is
that why he started the bunker? That's why he
started the bunker. But the crawfish has been
a nice distraction for him, I think. Does he
catch the crawfish? No. I don't know where he
gets it from. I don't think they're native to
here. I don't know. There's a smell, though.
Ah, there is a smell. I agree. And I tried to
get it out. I have so many of those, like, new
car scents and stuff. Yeah, no, they're overpriced.
I feel like your dad would be bumping into those,
too. You've hung them all over the roof. Yeah.
Oh, maybe this wasn't the great idea I had. No,
I think I'll ask her to just go to the park.
Yeah. Yeah. Or borrow your dad's car or something.
We could go to my dad's bunker. Hey, is there
someone in here? Oh, Dad! Hey, yeah, I'm just...
Jamie? Yeah, I'm just sewing Derek the bunker
because he's probably more likely to get a girlfriend
or boyfriend before me, you know? Oh, no, don't
say that. Don't say that, son. Just because you
haven't got a role model for a good relationship
doesn't mean you've got a good relationship.
That's true, Dad. That's true. Is that another
big bag of crawfish? Yeah, just restocking a
crawfish and milk and yogurt here. Welcome. Back
to Dunbracken. So you mean you just, you didn't
turn it off? You've left the hob on the entire
night? Please, step out of the house. That's
dangerous. The house is probably completely filled.
I feel completely fine. This is an emergency
situation now. I'm going to need you to step
out. If you don't have any sort of one of those
warrant things, then I'm not letting you in.
No, I'm not. Go back to the police officer. I'm
not. I know you're not an officer. I see you're
just from the gas company. I appreciate your
concerns, but I feel fine. Sir, sir, your housemates
have... Reported the gas leak. My housemates
are all sleeping. I need to phone the emergency
services. Look at them. You can see them in the
window. They're all sleeping on the floor. They
had a big party last night. They're fine. Are
there any electronics on in the house? Probably
four. Like, what type of electronics? Sir, can
I... There's a remote control car flittering
about upstairs. I can hear it. Sir, can I...
Please hand me the lighter. Please do not smoke
right now. I wish I could smoke. I was going
to smoke, but then I didn't have any cigarettes.
That's probably why I had the hob on in the first
place. Okay, sir. Do you like the lighter? Yes,
please hand me the lighter. I got it from the
Sherlock Holmes Museum. Please lift your hand.
Do not put your thumb on the flint, sir. See,
but it's a real flint. I don't doubt it. I don't
doubt it. All right, well, you're missed tonight.
Okay. I'm going to go... Just phone the emergency
services here. You can do what you want, but
if they don't have a warrant, they're not coming
in here. I don't think you're going to have a
choice here. There's three bodies in here. I'll
barge in this door, you. I feel good. Congratulations
on your promotion to senior civil servant. One
of the perks of the job is that you get this
card that allows you access to the nuclear bunker
in case of an emergency. The card also allows
you to bring one spouse and up to two children.
Do you have any questions regarding this? Should
I be concerned? About the bunker? No, about the
chances of nuclear war. No more so than any other...
Definitely a threat to our town. Okay. It is
probably beyond local politics, but it's good
to be prepared. Is this the one bunker for everyone,
or does each senior civil servant and up to one
spouse and up to two children have their own
bunker? It is one bunker for all senior civil
servants. Ah, so that's why it's up to four people
minimum. Yes. Okay, I have a question. We are
hoping that not everyone will bring all four.
i have a question because i have six six questions
go ahead so i have i have one spouse and four
children i have congratulations thank you very
much but now i'm wondering what to do okay okay
we get this question a lot so you can't leave
your spouse behind and bring an extra child okay
but that doesn't seem fair Because a child, all
my children are half the size of, well, I guess
they won't be forever, but currently they're
half the size. Exactly, and we'll be in a bunker
for a long time. No, but if I can leave behind
one full adult, can I bring two half children?
It's very noble, and yes, you can sacrifice yourself
and your wife, and then your four children can
go to the bunker. Okay, so that's nice to know,
but does one of my children have to be a senior
civil servant to get in, or will they be okay
with my... If they become a senior civil servant,
they will get their own card, and they will be
allowed one spouse and up to two children. Right.
And in that situation, are grandparents... Are
they a spouse or a child? It's not a transfer...
I don't know. Are your grandparents senior civil
servants? One retired. No luck. You have to be
active. We tell all retirees that if you want
to build your own bunker, we will provide you
with information. Okay. Very few take us up on
the offer. Do you have many children or spouses?
Oh, I've got one spouse and two children, but
I'm not a senior civil servant. Oh, is it safe
that you know about it, that you're handing out
passes? Oh, yes, yes. No, it's a bunker full
of senior civil servants. I'd rather die. No
offense to you, but I don't want to... I know,
I get that. That's going to be tough. And, like,
if I get a bonus, I'll build my own bunker. Is
that an option? Can I build my own bunker? You're
free to build your own bunker. And you'll provide
me with information? Just as any citizen is free
to build your own bunker. We live in a great
town with lots of soil that will give away the
slightest provocation. Building a bunker has
never been easier. Okay, so I know a lot of the
senior civil servants are divorced. or estranged
from children, could I take some of the slots?
It's an epidemic in this town. Could I take some
of the slots of them for my two, my least favorite
children? I don't want to have to rank them,
but in this situation, I've already ranked them
in my head. I know who I'm taking immediately.
And I know it was a judgment call. I had to make
it quick there. I didn't like myself. You didn't
have to make it quick because we're currently
in a crisis. But it happened. It happened so
quickly. Of course. It was subconsciously. I
knew right away. I knew the two that were taking.
I get that. And I knew the two that were being
left behind. But it's non -transferable. It's
non -transferable? It's non -transferable. We've
had too many civil servants trying to sell their
slots. Should I tell my children? right now who's
getting in so that they know to prepare i mean
because there's the two youngest ones i'm not
i'm not bringing the two youngest ones it would
make things easier to do work i won't be at the
door so i i don't really care one way or the
other i don't think i would bring them to the
door and then slowly watch it close i think one
popular method is that You tell your two children
the real bunker location and your two least favorite
children a fake bunker location. But what if
my spouse... Now, what I will say, in the case
of a false alert, as happened in 2012, it makes
things very awkward. Was that what was responsible
for most of the senior civil servants now being
divorcees? It was certainly a factor. That makes
sense. Well, maybe not divorcee thing, but...
Or estranged from the children. Yeah. And I'll
tell you what, the children they picked aren't
any closer to their parents. Yeah, I guess they
probably don't appreciate what happened to their
siblings. Yeah. Wow. Got a lot of decision to
make. I didn't mean to make a snap judgment,
but it went into my head subconsciously. It was
the two oldest. I like them better. No, I understand.
I understand. The young ones, I think, can fend
for themselves. They're cute enough that a radioactive
family might still take them in. Nuclear family.
Just some gallows humor there. No, that's nice.
That's nice. So, any more questions on this?
No, no. Should I start my job? Yeah, I mean,
I suppose. Or should I let my family know? You
know what I'll say? There's a bunker. That's
all I'll say. Do you ask them to keep it on the
town road? Do you think I'm a bad person? Prior
or after this conversation? After this conversation.
Did you think I was? No, I need both now, actually.
Now I'm curious. You got this job by suggesting
we should cut welfare, so that's sort of... And
yet, I don't get any extra passes. I saved this
town so much money. Yeah, yeah. But, sir, I get
you. I can relate. You're very relatable now
to me. I realize why I picked the two oldest
ones. The two youngest ones already hate me because
I closed down their school. The two oldest ones
are already out of school. Ah. That's what the
two youngest ones are now, too. Yeah. You laugh
at my jokes. I like that. I would join you in
your bunker. You're not welcome, but you seem
like someone I could have a beer with. What about
two children? Would you take two children? I
am taking two children. Okay, so it's just going
to be you and your family. You don't need a friend
in your bunker. I don't want to be stuck with
a bunch of... Well, it's a hypothetical bunker,
and you've got to start small. I don't have a
big civil service bunker. Okay, yeah. It just
sounds like you've got plans. It's just a modest
bunker. I'm hoping the radiation will pass within
the year. Oh, it'll be torturous. Don't you need
another family to enjoy life with for a year?
Sounds like you're planning an affair already.
I wasn't suggesting swinging. After a year, who
knows? But, like, not right off the bat. You
have someone in mind? Between our families? No,
I fought between other senior civil servants.
Oh, no, no. No, I don't want that. There's a
lot of sad divorced men. Okay, I'll just go to
work. That's all right. I've had a lot to think
about, though. You never answer my question.
I'm not a bad person. Yes. Okay. But, like, if
you want to catch a beer after work, I'm around.
But just not for a bunker beer. I get it. No,
I get it. Hey, no, you got to draw a line somewhere.
Maybe someday we could be friends well enough.
I might just build my own bunker. Do I have to
be retired to get the plans? Do you want your
plans? It's a PDF. I'll send it to you. Yeah,
then I can make a decision. I think I'll still
keep the same child limit, though, in my bunker.
They really hate me. I mean, I can relate to
that, too. So you're taking two children that
hate you? No, I hate you. I just think you're
good conversation. Oh, thank you very much. I
could go for a beer. Yeah. Well, it's 10. It's
10 a .m. But it's 10 a .m. Somewhere, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you
at the bar. Yes, emergency services. Hello. What's
the nature of your emergency? Yes, it's Eddie
from Harry's Heating here, and I'm just visiting
a... That means nothing to me. I'm a local gas
company, and some clients called the emergency
number, and we've come out to... What's the nature
of your emergency? There's been a gas leak, and
I think there are three people unconscious. Oh,
thank you. I'll call a qualified gas technician
now. Excuse me? I am a qualified gas technician.
I think we're past that point. What's the concern?
I need an ambulance. Have you injured yourself?
No, I haven't injured myself. There are three
at least unconscious people and another man standing
in a house that has a gas leak. Well, can you
not simply ask him to turn it off? I've asked.
No, I've asked him to come out of the house and
he won't respond. I also need police. I think
I need police as well. Ah, okay. We can get an
ambulance to you in the next ten minutes, but
it'll take us 46 hours for the warrant. What?
For the warrant. It sounds like he will not allow
you egress into the building. Yeah, but there
are people's lives at danger here. You need a
warrant. Well, we won't save anyone against their
will. They're unconscious. So we don't know their
will. The one conscious person is not allowing
you in. Hang on. I'll call you back. I need to
go and chat to this guy again. It may be a different
operator. You will have to go through this again.
Can you stay on the line? Absolutely not. We
are very busy. Fine. I'll take my chances. Okay.
Well, if you... stay on the line for a brief
customer survey. That would be appreciated. The
people are about to die. Please rate the quality
of your call by stating a number between 1 and
10. 1. Please state a number between 1 and 10.
1. 1. I heard 1. Yes. Yes, I said 1. Is that
correct? Yes. One. I heard. Yes. That is not
a number between one and ten. One. People are
dying. Hurry up. One. Please only stay one word
at a time. It makes us easier to understand you.
One. Please stay on the line for a customer satisfaction
survey about the quality of this review service.
It's this terrible customer service. Oh, my God.
Joseph. You won't find me. Joseph. I'm too far
away for you to catch me now. This has gone far
enough, darling. It's hide and seek. It's not
evade your parents until dawn. Dawn has come.
And dawn will come again, but you will never
catch me. I will grow into a man on these...
These freedom hills. Ah, you told me where you
are, Joseph. You're on the freedom hills. Misdirection.
Oh, God. Please don't come to the hills. Come
now, Joseph. There's no time for silly games.
Uncle Grosh, you're there as well? Yes. Your
mother brought me in. She couldn't get you. She
said I have to come in. That's why I'm leaving.
You're so clearly having an affair. What? You're
having an affair? I didn't realise Papa was there.
Well, thanks a lot, Joseph. You've really put
that pickle in it. What do you mean, Uncle Grosh?
You're the one adultering. I'm 12. I'm not supposed...
This is... Do you know this is... This is transactional...
Uh, oh, I've forgotten the name. I was reading
it in a psychology book. Analysis? Yes, I think
so. Thank you, Papa. You always were so tender
and sweet. Who were you suggesting Uncle Groucho's
having an affair with, darling? You, mother.
Think about the ramifications of what you're
saying. Think of the ramifications? You should
have thought about the ramifications before you
went... Toe to toe with smelly Grosch there.
When I was ramming her vacation. No! I'm only
a child, only a boy. Only a boy swiftly becoming
a man. There is a reason why you have been named
after a famous yet slightly unpleasant beer,
Uncle Grosch. It's my surname. It's my surname
too. We're brothers. It's also my surname. It's
also your surname because we're married, darling.
We're supposed to be a family. We're supposed
to be a family. But I've had to run away. I live
in a set with some badgers, and every night,
every night they bite my toes. Nibble, darling.
No. They nibble. No, I'm down to three. And I
can't count anymore because I relied on those
toes. I'm forgetting math. I'm forgetting my
literacy. I'm forgetting... forgetting how to
be a person. You deserve it for all your bad
things. God. That's badger for fuck you, Uncle
Grolsch. Yeah, hello. How did you find the automated
review, sir? On a scale of very dissatisfactory
to very satisfactory. Is this a person? Well,
yeah. Very dissatisfactory. Very dissatisfactory.
Okay, great. How was the audio recognition? It
didn't... On a scale of very dissatisfactory
to very satisfactory. Sorry, on a scale of very
satisfactory to... Very dissatisfactory to very
satisfactory. What was that again? What was the...
How was the quality of the audio recognition?
The audio... No, it didn't... I'm going to mark
yours as very dissatisfactory. Oh, my God. I
said one clearly, like, at least five times.
I heard... One. Oh, what? The voice is still
on? Was that a person? Is this correct? No, no,
that's automated. They tried to outsource my
work. Okay, I don't know. It's the one at the
bottom or the top of the scale. We gave you a
scale. On a scale of 1 to 10, please rate how
satisfied you were with this service. Very dissatisfactory.
I'm not sure. Satisfactory or very satisfactory.
Look, actually, I think that guy's passed out
now as well, so there are four people unconscious,
so I think I can go in now. Which guy are you
referring to? You're confusing me, sir. I heard...
Four. Is that correct? Sorry, this is... I was
reporting an emergency, but there's no emergency
anymore. They're all dead, and I'm fed up. Is
this due to the duration of the response, or
the quality of the response? Well, it's a bit
of column A and a bit of column B. Like... Okay.
This is hard to fill out my survey, but continue.
Well, I wasn't really given a great response
from the initial person that I was speaking with.
They sort of dismissed my... So they did not
send out emergency services? Well, as far as
I know, there's no emergency services here. Has
it been five to ten minutes? Well, it probably
has been at this point. I mean, our record's
showing that the warrant's still pending, so...
You said it would be two days for a warrant.
Well, the record's out 46 hours. Don't know where
you're getting two days from. I'm rounding up.
I'm going to have to mark down as... You've rounded
up to two days. Hang on, am I being... Am I being
assessed right now? I'm going to be honest. I'm
going to just... have to mark as a disgruntled
customer, which will likely disqualify the survey
anyway. What does that mean? I'm going to be
a disgruntled customer in the eyes of the emergency
services? Well, that's above my pay grade, to
be quite honest. I just mark it down. Maybe next
time you dial 999, no one answers. I don't know.
I don't think they blacklist people. We're entering
the midnight hour. I'm about to get snuggled
up into my camp bed. Breaker, breaker, you got
your pot noodle? Breaker, breaker. Roger, breaker,
breaker. How did you know I got the pot noodle?
I was told when I got this job that I needed
to have a pot noodle ready at every turn. Is
that not true? Over. Breaker, breaker, we are
now promoting some more healthy options for truckers.
Breaker, breaker, I'm not going to go for this
now. I've got 15 pot noodles. I bought them in
bulk. I can't back away from that commitment
now at the minute. Breaker, breaker, I've just
got to say at any time in life, 15 pot noodles
is excessive. I'm not going to have my name slandered
over the radio, over the breaker. Human resources
coming in. Pot noodle man is going to fast become
a menace that we cannot deal with. Brigger Brigger,
I'd like to make sure that my moniker is not
going to become Pot Noodle Man. Brigger Brigger,
can we take Pot Noodle Boy off the channel? Coming
in for 420 Pot Noodle King? Come in, trucker,
call 420 Pot Noodle King. Are you there, buddy?
Are you there, 10 -4, good buddy? I'm here, buddy.
I'm here, buddy. I'm here, buddy. There he is,
my chicken and mushroom pal. Oh, green. Oh, I
love the green. Yeah, buddy. I know you will.
You've really called a really inopportune moment.
Oh, no, this is 8 p .m. This is Pot Noodle Central
time. Breaker Breaker Human Resources remains
on this call, which is being monitored. Have
you got that new box, boy? You're being monitored.
I told you to take that out of your goddamn trap.
This is for Pot Noodle and Pot Noodle -based
interactions. Breaker Breaker, are you guys there?
I just woke up from a nightmare. Breaker Breaker,
your human resources department is here. Yeah.
I had a nightmare. The hot man was there again.
I don't like it when he's in my cab. Is it anyone
else's cab? Breaker Breaker. Your health and
well -being are important to us. We all get them,
kid. Breaker Breaker, human resources are now
dealing with two emergencies at the same time.
Nightmare person, do feel free to email me at
hr at breaker breaker dot com between nine and
five where I will be to deal with your outburst
and send you the correct way. No, I don't want
your outburst. No, I'm upset. No, I... Just because
it's late, you know, just because it's out of
my hands doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able
to deal with me. I had a nightmare and I just
want people to be nice to me so I know that I'm
not hated by the hat man. Breaker, breaker. This
is call sign hat man 5000. No! Are you there,
boy? I'm here! No! Don't leave me! You have such
delicious sweet dreams. No, you can't go up to
me in real life! That's not fair! You wake up
with my hat. I don't want it! I don't want it!
Guys, come on! Brigger Brigger, help a guy out!
I don't like it! Brigger Brigger, I can only
advise that you get some chicken and noodle.
because that's the only thing that gets me over
at the end of that. Yeah, the only way through
those hot noodley dreams is to just get right
doubled down on that potent noodley goodness.
Personally, I prefer a super noodle, but, you
know, each to their own, and I don't know if
it's the noodles that has caused this. I think
I might have been an overdose of the bad drill.
Breaker, breaker, I hate to use my cross voice,
but I'm really being pushed to the line by all
of you. I will be investigating the link between
Pot Noodle and Hat Man. Breaker, Breaker. This
is Hat Man to Human Resources. I would like to
report a stolen hat and require return of it
immediately. I didn't want it! steampunk memorabilia.
I require a return of it immediately. Ola, you,
you, I would have thought that you were just
going to your hat's kind of calm, but you're
intrigued by the price of the hat that you've
bestowed on me, and I don't like it. I don't
like it. I don't want it. But you want it back?
Because it's expensive? I don't want it. You
need it back. You shouldn't give me your best
hat. Breaker, breaker. This is Hat Man to Human
Resources. Human Resources to Human Resources.
Tuesday, 01 .39am. Dear Human Resources representative,
this will be my four weeks notice. I look forward
to working for you for the next four weeks, from
which point I will be taking another course of
life choice. Human Resources, out. Dear Human
Resources, thank you for contacting Human Resources.
We appreciate your call, but please contact us
between the hours of 9 a .m. and the hours of
5 p .m. You see what it's like? You know what
it's like, no? Bad man to human resources, I
would like to request that all nightmare chats
be banned from radio communications. Breaker,
breaker, being on my four -week period of notice,
I feel the overwhelming urge to tell you all
to go fuck yourselves. Please, please, hello,
this is HR. We would like to disregard that last
segment from our HR standards. Breaker, breaker.
Please, excuse me, I am breaking right now. Uh...
Hello? Four. I said four. A number between one
and ten. Why can't y 'all stop me? I heard. Why
can't y 'all stop me? I said four. Four what,
sir? I'm on the phone. Is that correct? Four,
no. Yes, four is correct. On a scale of one to
ten, please read. Four. It was a four. Oh, goodness
gracious. Sir, I'm going to leave now. I suggest
you get out of the house. The emergency services
are coming. Oh, they could come. All right. Ciarán
Sands, Aidan Kelly, Niall McKenna, Phil Greaves,
Min Witts, James Geddes, Kit Rees and Andrew
Robinson. The opening and closing credits were
created by Connor Mallon and you can check out
his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. The
live show is nearly finished being edited and
will be up soon. Thank you for listening. We
look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken
very soon.