Hello. We have a live show coming up on Saturday
the 28th of June at the Accidental Theatre in
Belfast. Tickets are still available for that
if you head to accidentaltheatre .co .uk. That's
accidentaltheatre .co .uk. Or you can find the
link in the show notes. That's probably handier
anyway. If you can't make that in person, there
are tickets available to watch along online.
It's going to be live streamed and it will also
be available on demand for a few days afterwards
if that. Is your fancy too? I'm currently outside,
hence the noise. I am near a river on a walk
and remembered that I needed to record this to
put this episode out. We're going to be doing
a live episode of the podcast, which is very
exciting, and we're going to have an all -star
guests list lined up for it. We're going to have
a bunch of new characters, a bunch of returning
characters. It's really two shows in one because
we're also going to be doing an improvised musical
set in the town, the title of which you, the
audience, will decide. So, I mean, two shows.
You can watch it in person in Belfast at the
Accidental Theatre or online, either live streamed
or at a time of your choosing on demand. It will
start 8 .30pm BST and I'm pretty sure that's
all I have to say. Anyway, enjoy your regularly
scheduled programming. Welcome back to Dumb Bracken.
Hello, I'd like to make a withdrawal. Yes, can
I get your name and your date of birth, please?
Yeah. Just got a slide over a piece of paper
to you right now. No, just verbally. That says
that you're about to partake in a robbery. I
can see. Just in case you can't read. You might
be wondering what's going on. This isn't my real
face. What? This is a mask I'm wearing. What
are you... Don't panic. I'm not panicking. Sounds
like you're starting to panic. What? If you'll
read the rest of the paper, it's very clear.
It says don't panic. Sorry, I've never done this
before. It's all right. I'm calm. Andy, if you
want to take your lunch there now. Yes. No, Andy,
come back. I can help you. Did Andy take a...
Oh, fuck, he took the paper with him. Right,
I'm just going to tell you what I read. All right.
This is a robbery. Oh, God. You might not believe
it to look at me, but this is not my real face.
You're part of a robbery now, so... Andy, had
you given this guy anything yet? No. No, he hadn't.
Right, okay. But we were making some progress.
I don't know. Probably had a better chance of
him, honestly. Oh, no, I believe that, because
he started panicking almost immediately, and
I felt like there was a rapport being built.
Well, yeah. Are you likely to give... Andy's
a good lad. He's not here long, you know. And
he's not bad, no. I thought he'd be an easy...
Right. Do you think... Could I maybe just speak
to... Could I just maybe speak to the supervisor?
Oh, yeah. Because you're not going to... No,
I'm the supervisor on shift at the moment. Oh,
right, so I'm speaking to the right person anyway.
Well, relatively. How likely are you to be willing
to be robbed? What? Not at all. You're not going
to... Alright, what if I told you that I had...
Don't look under my coat, because you'll be startled.
I have a gun under my coat. Okay, so you're telling
me, but you're not showing me that you have a
gun. I understand why you're not showing me,
but that is rookie error, because I know you're
bluffing. Oh, no, actually, I do. Really, this
is... I just didn't want to frighten anyone else.
But I'm going to put it away now. Yeah, good.
I don't want to frighten anyone. Sorry, madam.
This won't be about a minute. Yeah, really sorry.
Sorry for the delay. That's quite all right.
I hope you don't mind I've been eavesdropping.
You've been eavesdropping? Oh. You shouldn't
really be eavesdropping in banks. No, no. It's
something I should have anticipated. Because
I'm trying to do this politely. I don't want
to scare folk. I've been charmed by you. Thank
you very much. I can't say I have. No, I imagine
on the receiving end, it's not very pleasant.
Well, I used a lot more charm on your associate
there, I think, at the start. So maybe I'm a
bit weary. I'll say that might be the Ronald
Reagan mask. What? Ronald Reagan mask. Is that
who this is? He's a handsome man. Oh, well. And
you've only been looking at the back of his head
for a while now. Well, I've seen the front now.
So I'll just let you all know now. It's gotten
a bit away from me, but I do... No, no, you've
got control. No, and I've got a gun here. And
what a lovely gun. This is a robbery. Anything
in it? There is. There is bullets in it. And
I could assemble it and disassemble it like that.
Like you wouldn't know no one's business. But
right here. Now, everyone, just stay calm. Don't
you... Here. You're looking at the door, I see.
Don't go to the door, all right? I wouldn't want
to miss a minute. Okay, good. Right, so you're
all safe. You're not going to come in harm's
way. But don't test me, because I might have
to go against what I just said. And I'm a man
of my own. And I wanted to do this peacefully.
I had a good rapport with the man. Suddenly,
switches have changed. He's entitled to his lunch
break. I'm not saying he isn't entitled to his
lunch break, but I'm saying this is a robbery,
and if you don't do it... we might have to all
resort to things that we didn't want to do. And
now I'm trying to be very... I've been very good
about this. You're a lot of waffle. You know,
you kind of get lost in it a bit. I don't mind
it. I think there's a certain charm. A bit old
-fashioned, but I like it. Yeah, it does feel
like you've done your research through films,
I want to say. Maybe the Oceans films. No, no,
there was too many quick cuts to follow that.
Really? You've got a Clooney charisma. Thank
you very much. Again, that might be the mask.
Or it might be the gun. I don't know. So what
I'm going to tell you now is just, I've got this
little bag, right? You can all see the gun. Don't
move anybody. Do you want me to take that for
you there? The gun? Yeah. No. Good. You're good.
You'd be good at this. Do you want you take the
bag there and you see all those denominations?
Just you just throw them in. Throw them in. Small
bag. I use what I can get. I can't, you know.
You're not emptying my tail. Really? Yeah, no,
no, no, God. Right, I'll bring a second bag next
time. Well, next time. I can empty my purse with
you. That would be very much appreciated. I would
like the cash equivalent. Oh. It's not a gift.
I will get to you just whenever. Oh, no, I just
thought I'd help out. Here's what we're going
to do. This customer? You're all going to take
off your valuables and this. Nice supervisor
will give you the cash equivalent of all of your
valuables. No, sorry. Yes, that's a great idea.
You'd need to go to a pawn shop for that. I can't
take anything that isn't just cash or check.
I'm not asking you, though, because I remembered
the gun. I know, but that's not how a bank works.
You've confused us with a pawn shop. Okay, right.
Well, then, back to the original plan. How quick
is he at eating lunch? Well, it doesn't matter
how quick he is at eating it, because he's entitled
for... Yeah, he's only on half hour today. Okay,
right. I'm going to come back in, what, half
an hour? Give or take. Right, I'll come back.
You know what? There's a lovely coffee place
around the corner. Would you like to go for a
coffee? You know what? Yeah, let's do that. Keep
the mask on. I wasn't going to take it off. All
right, we'll see you in half an hour. Harry,
do you know when to do your business here? Oh,
I was also going to rob this place. Oh, um...
We could strategize. I'd like to see that. Yeah,
I think you guys could team up well together.
It's hard to see you again. That's a bit quick.
Maybe I could go first next time you can see.
Yeah, or see how you work it. Yeah. Do you have
a mask in that bag? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not scared.
Wow. That's a brave person. Yeah. I think that
cafe stopped serving food around half one. You're
right. We better hurry. We'll be back. Will you
still be on staff from half an hour? Oh, yeah.
I'm supervisor. That's great. I might not be
the teller. Andy might be back. Perfect. I'll
be keeping an eye because obviously you've both
done me the decency of giving me the heads up.
It's a decent thing to do. I think so. I don't
use a gun. I have a picture of your husband.
Oh. With today's newspaper. Oh. I'm going to
give him a call. Well, I mean, it's just going
to ring this phone. Do the lock screen? Yeah.
That's our dog. Lovely dog. Anyway, food's up
soon. See you in a bit. All right, see you in
a bit. Bye. Well, thanks for picking us up. That's
really, really kind of you. Are you sure you're
not going out of your way? North? You're going
north? Yeah, yeah, north anyway, really. Don't
you worry about that. Cool. You looked awful
cold by the side of the road there. We felt bad
if we didn't pick you up. Yeah. Northbound travellers
are we. That's what we always say, isn't that
right, darling? That's right. We're from the
north. Where are you from? Yeah. Oh, I'm just
travelling on my big year out, so I'm having
a little travel. I've done Durham. It was really,
really nice. And then I travelled up to Edinburgh,
and that was really, really nice as well. So
I just, you know, travelled everywhere. A bit
of experience, you know. Oh, with a student?
With a learned passenger? A student of the world,
maybe? Perhaps, yeah. Yeah, I would see myself
as more of a student of the world. I don't really
believe in education, really. Neither do we.
That's the funny thing that you'd say. Anyone
who's educated, they really just don't have really
our spirit. Would you say that, darling? I'd
say that, definitely. I mean, he doesn't even
have a licence to drive this. That's true. I
don't believe in them. Like an education to drive?
I don't think so. No, I think it's a very dangerous
thing. The body will tell you everything you
need to know about a car. I am so intuitive.
That's whenever I saw you was on the side of
the road. Sorry about that. That's okay. He loves
to swerve. That's just what speaks to him. You've
got to do what the body tells you to do. That's
my biggest thing in life, really. I'm so glad
you used Pikmin. I got a good vibe straight away.
I saw yous and I thought, that cunt. Just don't
make a left into this forest, if you don't mind.
I love nature. What's your spirit animals? It's
a dog, isn't it? Mine, to be honest, is a sugar
glider. I just love jumping off things. That's
what my body says to do. You're always on my
hand, aren't you? That's right, yeah. That's
right, you're always jumping up there. Yeah,
in fact, I'm on his hand right now. Can you see?
You are so lovely. That's me. I'm just a plain
dog. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I can see
that. I can see a primalness coming off you.
Just a dog. Yay. What animal would you say you
would... Oh, let's guess. That's a good one.
Oh, this is my favourite game. Probably an antelope
or a deer of some kind. Yeah, I'd say something
that would traditionally be seen as prey. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Something like that, yeah. Like a
wee deer. Prancing around, just... Or a rabbit.
Unaware. Caught in the headlights. Playing dead.
Do you know, my Chinese horoscope, I am a rabbit.
I am a rabbit! That's so funny! I'm a snake.
Oh, that is true. You're really a snake, not
a sugar glider, isn't that right? At heart, I
really am a snake. I'm just going to stop here,
if you don't mind. It's really dark here. I didn't
think that Forrest would get this. Oh, we're
here all the time. Such a canopy, such overhead.
A lot of cover. This is a dark place. Drooms
they can't see in here. They're the latest thing.
They are just evil. Yeah. If you just want to
let loose, if you just want to yell as loud as
you can, there's no one around. Can I? You can.
Do you want me to get out and yell? Because I
think sometimes in the van it can be quite constrained.
You know what? You just stay in the van. Are
you sure? Yeah, just stay in the van. We're just
going to... get out for a wee second. We're just
going to get out to stretch our legs but you
just stay in the van for a moment. That's really
kind of you. That's really kind to give me more
privacy for show. North you're going, north.
Are we there yet? Have we finally got there?
Almost, almost. We're just taking another stop
so don't you worry about that. Not a problem.
I've just been having a snooze. That's okay.
Hello there. Hello. I don't even see you under
that blanket. Yes, I've been sleeping since I
believe you picked me up outside of Bastogne
in France. That was several weeks ago now. Oh,
we love the French. It's a long trip from France,
but we do love it. That must be such an interesting
journey. I've been asleep most of the time, but
it's been a pleasant journey. Have you managed
to get your seatbelt undone? It was a bit stuck
there, wasn't it? You couldn't quite get that
off. It is actually still on as well. It's still
stuck, isn't it? It's still there. It's still
stuck. It's been odd, but, you know, they've
been passing me the bucket from now on again
to relieve myself and stopping everything. I
hope we've been joking about that. You'll be
loving the bucket too, soon enough. These folks
are just so kind. Yous are so kind to us. Incredibly
kind. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
They've just invited me to scream. Oh, they've
asked if you'd like to scream. Yeah, I think
it's some sort of primal therapy. We're back
at the spot. We're back at the spot. Oh, oh grand.
The spot. It's odd that we've come the whole
way round again. We have. It's a couple of times
we've been. A couple of times. We should have.
It left you off when you got to Europe. Of course.
But you know, we've been around again. To be
fair, very cathartic. Very cathartic. Have you
had a scream yet? I haven't had a scream. I thought
I would go outside for a scream, but they're
just saying, stay in the van, stay in the van.
Oh, right, right. And have a little scream in
the van. And have you done your spirit animal
yet? Well, my Chinese horoscope says that I'm
a rabbit. Right. But I always thought of myself
as something a little bit more fierce. Yeah.
Like a bobcat. Well, you could play around with
that outside. You could bob around and hiss and
stuff. I do like a hiss. I have not considered
myself anything other than what I've been told.
A horse. A horse? A glorious white horse. And
I've galloped around outside and I tell you what,
to have your hooves digging into the ground,
neighing into the night sky, with no one to hear
you. I didn't think that horses were a bat at
night time. It's something you don't think about.
I think they're always there, yeah. Well, he's
a dark horse. That's what we said, isn't that
right? What have I done with my dog mask? Was
that not... Is it not under the blanket? Oh,
here it is. Here it is. There you go. There we
go. Oh, now we'll get started. I'll just put
my snake mask on. Don't you worry about that.
And you can start screaming whenever you like.
That's on you. That's on you. Would you like
to go first? Either way. May I? Of course, yeah.
Now, tell me if I do it wrong, guys. Tell me
if I do it wrong. We'll tell you. Okay. Bit more
welly than that, love. Go on. That's the stuff.
Was that good? Well, I liked it. Yeah. You join
us here today at the Canadian Ranch, which we
have been reporting on now for the past week
due to the increase in murders. Horse murders.
We're going to put it as it is. It's murder.
It doesn't matter if it's a horse or a human.
It's murder. I am in complete agreement. I'm
in shock by how many horse murders I have seen
in the past two days. We'd like to ask you a
few questions because you, of course, have been
top suspect, being the horse whisperer on the
Canadian farm. Yeah. And how has that made you
feel? You look... You look pretty offended. I'm
massively offended. For people to think I could
look those horses in the eye, one eye at a time,
because they have eyes on the side of their head
and sort of hit them in the face until they die
is crazy to me. I love those horses like they
were my son. And what do you say to the accusations
that they were hit from behind? Honestly, it's
easy to hit a horse. Everyone knows this. It's
easy to hit a horse. They've got eyes on the
side of their head and they've got big old bodies.
It's easy to find a place that they will not
see and give them a good smack. You seem to know
a lot about this. Well, it's because I care about
them. It's because I care about the horses. It's
totally normal that when you care about something
so much you look into ways you could murder it.
You are taking my words out of context. I've
seen it happen to horses before. and i never
want to see it again i i just couldn't believe
how easy it is for people to get away with horse
murder it's it's awful and i do not appreciate
being accused of these lovely beasts murders
and all i can see it wasn't me but i would know
how to kill a horse if i wanted to that's that's
great um now what do you say to the accusations
that size five riding boots were a scene In the
puddles of blood. Well, let me put it this way.
Have you ever thought that it's not one of those
wee jockeys? Of course they've got size 5. Children's
size 5. This is not a men's shoe. It's not a
women's shoe. It's a toddler's. And who is the
size of a toddler? A jockey. I am 6 foot 9. How
am I going to fit into a size 5 shoe? And what
do you say to the accusations that you have taught
your children about murdering horses? My children
have nothing to do with horse murder. In my house,
they grew up like siblings. Whenever my children
ate, my horses ate. At the same time, we had
them at our dinner table. It's ridiculous and
it's slander. Um, can you explain the horse burgers
at lunch today? Listen, sometimes horses die.
What am I going to do, pay for a casket the size
of a fucking horse? My children are struggling.
My children don't have shoes on their feet. And
you want me to buy a horse casket? I don't think
so. I don't think so. All I'm going to say is,
I've got nothing to do with it. I love those
horses like they were my children. And I've only
killed one of my children. Why would I kill five
horses? Sorry, Janice, I just need to... Whilst
we've been on air here, Mr. and Mrs. Canadian
have been murdered by a horse. So I don't know.
Let's cut to a commercial break. Uh, do we rise?
Do we rise? Do we genuflect? I'm rising. I'm
genuflecting. All stand! Oh, okay. Clear, clear,
clear. Rise! After standing? Tiptoes? On our
toes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the higher, right?
First position. I'm gonna... Oh, my knees crack.
Uh, liaise with the opposition, I guess? Do we
talk now? Is that... Bailiff, is that our cue
to talk? Bailiff out! Oh, okay. Oh, they just
sprinted out of the courtroom. I guess we fanned
for ourselves. I will say it's an atypical court.
Now, there's three lawyers here. That raises
some questions in my mind. I'm the lawyer for
the judge. For the judge? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, no, I'm for the defense.
Oh, I'm also for the defense. Really? I'm a trainee
lawyer. I've just been sent here for the day
to observe. I like my odds. I like my odds. There's
quite a lot of us. Are we, we're all going for
the same guy, yeah? Yep, parking ticket. Not
me, I'm for the judge. I'm just keeping him right.
I've been interning for a local paper. You need
to work out who's for the prosecution and who's
for the defense or all this will really become
a muck scum before we know where we are. Well,
I'm definitely for the defense. I think I definitely
know that I should be on the prosecution. Okay,
you're prosecution, I'm defense? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. I'm for guilty, personally, but that's
just a personal opinion, and I will keep impartial
until... Hang on, the judge already decided that
he's guilty? No, I'm just saying that's my personal
opinion before the judge makes a decree based
on what the jury decides. The judge will be back
momentarily. He said he had to go to the toilet,
but I think he will come back, but maybe while
he is in the toilet, if you just work out who's
who. We've worked it out. I was just on the way
in there. Sorry, I was just on the way in from
the bathroom myself. The judge is... He's having
a hard time in there. I don't know how long he's
going to be, but I'm here to shadow you, actually,
as the judge's lawyer, so... But maybe if you
were just in the toilet, you could be the judge
now, if he's having a... But if we, like, if
we ranked up, you know, if maybe you wanted to
just be the judge today, and I could, like, do
your... No, objection. Objection. She already
said she wants it guilty, and I... You could
change your mind. Also, like, I'm on these guys'
side. Like, you've seen the judge more recently
than I have, so... I'm happy for you to be acting
judge. Is everyone else happy for him to be acting
judge? Affirmative. Yeah, sustained. Great. Okay,
great. So, hi, my name is Michael. I've come
up from, just from college for the day. I actually,
sorry, I'll just sit down. Should we sit down?
Sorry, I've forgotten that. Oh, you can, yeah,
yeah. Yeah, it's cool, yeah. I will note down
that you're all sitting down now. Oh, great,
yeah. So, I guess I'll just introduce myself.
Yeah. Just to get us started. I went to college
maybe 10 years ago, studied architecture. It
didn't really work out, but my mom, she knew,
like, a solicitor, said he made good money and
that maybe I should consider going back to college
and studying, so I did. And, yeah, I got sent
up here. This is my first day out. I was supposed
to shadow, but I guess I'm the judge for the
day. So I guess let's get rolling. Let's... What's
it about? All right, so... Your Honor, Michael.
Can I call you Michael? You can, yeah, man. Objection.
Judge Michael would look better in the press.
I guess like... Make a ruling, please. You already
did a ruling. I, uh... The judge already said
Michael, and I'm going to insist on Michael now.
I rule that everyone chill out today, and we'll
just take it as it comes. Michael it is. That's
a good attitude. You know who else was chilling
out behind the wheel? My client. Yeah, sorry,
I'll just check the notes here. No, don't check
the notes. I'm pretending you have the facts.
You shouldn't be reading them. Oh, that's not
allowed. Sorry, I should ask. Sorry, I'm shadowing
you. I should be checking the notes or I should
allow them to tell me first? I'm happy for you
to do whatever you feel like is right and we
can follow your lead and gently correct you,
you know? Okay, for sure, yeah. Oh, I wish I'd
interned for you. So, I'll tell you what, we'll
do like an exquisite corpse sort of thing. I'm
not familiar with that term. I look at one bit
of it and I'll read it out and then you finish
it off. And I guess that would be like an inclusive
and cool thing for everyone here today. So the
driver was four times over the limit. Apologies,
Judge Michael. Yeah? Forgive me, but we haven't
met the jury yet and I think we should just recognise
the foreperson. How you doing, Michael? Hello.
How are you, man? Oh, not bad. I haven't seen
you in years. How have you been at? Judging as
pose, well done, you. Oh, not really, no. Oh,
you look really great up there in Kuru Sea. Oh,
thanks, man. I'm still in my 20s. 28. Clinging
on, man. Oh, it's hard to see when you hit 30.
Oh, man. Death is rushing towards you. Now, speaking
of death coming rushing towards you, all right?
I'm here for you. Yeah. It's a tough thing. Some
of us had quarter -life crisis and do rash actions,
and I don't think we should be judged for that.
Oh, preach, brother. Thank you. Maybe not, you
know. I guess we have the jury here to help us
as well, but today it all comes down to Michael,
and it's been a long time since the sort of decisions
have been in my hands. So he was four times over
the legal limit, and how many people were in
the collision? In the collision? Yes. Well...
It depends how you define collision. At the moment
of the collision or imminently after the collision.
Imminently after the collision, it was just my
client. In a 1998 edition of this newspaper,
a collision was defined by my boss as the moment
of impact. Now, I know I'm trying to be chill
here. I'm trying to be chill here. But I feel
like the reporter shouldn't talk as much during
the courtroom. Oh, no. Maybe he's right, though.
This reporter seems to be doing a lot more work
than I... I got confused at the beginning. I
thought it was defense, but, like, I mean, this
reporter seems to have really taken over my job.
I feel like if you've prepared defense arguments,
you should present them. I prepared certain arguments.
Well, I think we should just hear them. Just
what he would hypothetically have said. Defendant
seemed like a really chill guy. Right? Defendant,
yeah. Defendant really just wasn't sure what
was going on, like, the law. As if in that area.
But as a prosecution, I would say that, like,
actually, that's not a great defense. Michael,
you've been studying law for how long now? Like,
at least, I think, maybe five weeks, something
like that. It's confusing, isn't it? So far,
yeah. It's tough. It's tough to know what's right,
what's wrong. Objection. Objection. Leading the
judge. Everyone's been great, though, I have
to say. You guys all seem super cool. You know
who else is super cool? My client. He's a very
supportive man, and the community would be worse
without him. For sure. And I did notice here
as well that the collision happened while he
was parking. Yeah. So this was just in a car
park, moving in. Yeah. And he's never had any
charges before. This is the first offence. He
was parking at the time, yeah. How do you feel
about this so far? How are we all doing, really?
You're here to keep an eye on the judge and his
judging. As a judge, I think you're doing perfectly
well, I still think. Ultimately, your verdict
will be guilty. Probably. So if you want to speed
things up and, you know, be out of here before
3pm, maybe? We do those off the foreman. Judge
Michael, the 1998 edition of the paper that I
referred to earlier, and perhaps it might be
pertinent to this case, someone was also asking
at what speed the impact happened. I really appreciate
that you've got to terms with... where and the
location and the context, but I think perhaps
more contextualization would be pertinent to
the case. I would be interested in that sort
of thing, but I'd also love to know, like, what
color was the car? Okay, I can answer both these
questions. So, again, my guy, chill guy, cool,
red with flame decals. Red? Yeah, and he's very
safety conscious, so you know how when you reverse
you have a blind spot? He made sure... I can't
drive. Can you not? It's difficult, isn't it?
But when you reverse, there's a bit of a blind
spot. So he made sure to spend as little time
reversing as possible. And the way you do that
is you drive as fast as you can. So yes, he was
reversing at 106 miles per hour. And I suppose
that's a reasonable speed. The prosecution rests.
Judge Saunders, I'm an intern reporter, but I
have much Netflix knowledge of cases like these.
Well, you probably don't know what I mean by
that, because unfortunately you seem to have
missed that case by being in the toilet for quite
some time. Can I ask you, well, we heard that
you were having what was quoted as a difficult
time in there. Can you speak to that? I fully
commend the amount of enthusiasm you're bringing
to your role here. You're doing a wonderful job.
Now, I did recently visit a new restaurant in
town. Now, I'm not going to go into the details,
but there's some judicial rumblings happening
within my body, if I'm perfectly honest. And,
you know, it's not really... the decorum that
I would expect from my court. So I don't really
want to go into it very much. But let's just
say it's under control for now. Judge Saunders,
with respect, you are talking like a politician.
Could you say that again, please? Yes. With respect,
Judge Saunders, you are talking like a politician.
And that means that my question has actually
not received an answer. So I really have to push
you further about what... happened within the
bathroom that withstalled you from taking your
seat within this case, leading it to be judged
by a, as I'll print tomorrow, an amateur Judge
Saunders. Now, as we all know, we all eat meals.
Now, people eat meals every single day. They
eat small meals, they eat big meals. There's
all sorts of food that goes in and out of people's
bodies in this town. Now, I can't speak to what
I ate earlier today. I can't speak to what I'm
going to eat tomorrow. There are a lot of variables
at play here. Now, when we speak to the people
of the town, I'm sure they'll give you a similar
answer. People do not know what they ate. Who
knows? What did you eat yesterday? Do you know
what you ate yesterday? Yes, I do, Judge Saunders.
Every Thursday, my mum cooks a korma, so I had
a korma. With respect, Judge Saunders, I cannot
take any more of this equivocation. If I print
that you had diarrhea, will I be slandering you?
No, no, no. I will not comment on the solidity
of my bowel movements. But you were in fact having
a bowel movement, Judge Saunders. I did not say
that. I did not say that. With greatest respect,
Judge Saunders, you haven't said very much at
all. Well, no, I challenge you to eat in the
faculty cafeteria. here in the courthouse. And
I will see how you feel the next day. With respect,
Judge, my mum made me a packed lunch because
the faculty cafeteria is somewhat pricey. She
made me tuna sandwiches on wholemeal hoobus.
They were having a sale at Tesco. If I'm not
misunderstood, the program you're on, you can
expense that back. You should keep your receipts.
Oh, no, sir. I'm just on an internship. Everything
is my expenses. Oh, no, no. No, no, no, I support
the internship. Absolutely. Wholeheartedly. I
actually give about 3 .6 % of my pay packet to
cover food and transport for people like yourself.
So I don't see why you're coming in here asking
me all these questions. Judge Saunders looked
thoughtfully into the distance with his handsome
eyebrows. Who are you talking to? I'm just making
notes, Judge Saunders. To who? That wee fellow
over there? My dictaphone, Judge Saunders. I
don't really want to be part of this. I'm just
trying to go to the toilet. Could you just leave
the toilet? Why do you let Don call you a dictaphone?
He's just in the queue, Judge Saunders. Your
eyes are straying. I don't know why you're looking
at him and not at me. He's just in the queue
for the bathroom, which is quite congested since
you took... He's holding a wee Zoom recorder
up to his mouth. I can see it. This is just for
my own personal project. It's called Bathroom
Chats. It's a podcast. I don't know. It's a rival
to the other. We do have a podcast. I'm going
to be doing that on the second week of my internship.
Look, I listen to both. I've got my finger on
the pulse. But for now, Judge Saunders, may I
print that you did suffer some trouble within
the bathroom, but that you handsomely looked
into the distance. You may print that I may or
may not have handsomely, handsomely... That was
my word, Judge Saunders, absolutely. He pays
3 .5 % of my bill. Handsomely had a bowel movement
of variable degrees of solidity. And that's all
you can print. I'm keeping up appearances here.
Your appearances will be upheld. Judge Saunders,
I thank you for your time and your clarity of
answers to my questions. You're very welcome.
May the print media live forever. Huzzah! Huzzah!
Thank you for listening to episode 55. And a
reminder that tickets are still available for
the live show on Saturday the 28th of June at
the Accidental Theatre in Belfast. In person,
live streamed and on demand. We got it all. We
have an absolute killer set of guests lined up
for that show, including many who featured in
today's episode. And they were as follows. Thank
you for listening. We look forward to welcoming
you back to Dunbracken very soon.