Which one of us is sleeping outside the tent
as it's only meant for three people? Do you not
look at the schedule? Are we going to have different
people on watch out? At no point will all four
of us be asleep. Bears have been spotted in Dunbracken.
We can't take the risk. Ferrets. Ferrets and
bears. Oh my. Sorry, I thought you said ferrets.
I do apologise. Bears makes much more sense to
be scared of. And ferrets. Ferrets have been
spotted in Dunbracken for a long time, and they've
really been egging the bears on. I was building
you up to ferrets. I was starting non -threatening
with the bears, and then I was bringing you up
to ferrets. Ferrets are nice little creatures,
though. Oh, yeah, but they really get those bears
riled up. Why? I don't speak their language,
but every time I see them interact, the bear
gets furious. My understanding is they have the
same diets, and they're fighting over... It's
food. It's the source of food. They won't steal
our food, will they? Ah, threw it in a tree.
I am not one of these pacifists you see on the
news or anything just running their mouths. But
I'm not shooting nobody. I'm not killing nobody.
And I'm not using any violence, right? It's not
my way. It's not my style. What I can do for
you is I've got a big van full of stuff and maybe
we can work something out. So, turns out, right,
he was looking for a way to communicate with
some of his mates. Because they couldn't get
no signal or anything because there was jamming
radars and stuff like that. I don't know what
it is. But I said to him, look, here. I've had,
in the back of my van, a big box of knockies.
I got them from China in about 2004. We haven't
been able to shift them. And I think they work
on a different signal. So, sure, we checked it
out. And it was true. So I said, 60 quid a pop.
And you said, you know what? Shooking it right
there and then. I said, now you're shaking this,
you're going to leave me alone for the rest of
the war. And he said, I'll leave you alone for
the rest of the war. And sure, didn't he do just
that? Good old war. I write the obituaries for
the paper, so I do, and it's just hard to keep
up with all of the deaths. And then, you know,
I started thinking, oh, if I was working on commission,
I'd be better off. It'd be easier to say who's
still alive than who's died. And it was his night.
that raised the train above us and it is by his
will alone we will be delivered to our paradise
follow the shadows of the train you will be delivered
to his greatness The small island of Dunbracken
has, for the past four months, been subject to
one of the strangest conflicts the world has
ever seen. Laws have been passed by random people
declaring it so. The death toll continues to
rise, then fall, because the people keeping count
were shot, and the replacements hadn't got that
day's numbers yet, and then those too were shot.
So it really is anyone's guess as to what the
true death toll is. A copycat of the mayor has
been spotted around town and has begun arresting
soldiers who jaywalk across the streets. And
a train full of helium has stayed in the sky
for over a... Hello, stick around for an announcement
at the end of the show. How that soldier ended
up with a goat for a head? was anyone's guess
but he stood as a clear warning for all trespassers
who dared venture into that field out here in
the wilderness right everything you look at is
edible you can make anything dinner if you really
want to Is it actually dinner, or are we just
so desperate that we think that it could be dinner,
you know? No, it's a proper dinner. That moss?
Dinner. That rock the moss is on? Dinner. Gravel?
Dinner. Map? Dinner. Yeah, okay, some of those
things, sure. But maybe I'm not preparing my
rocks correctly. How are you preparing your rocks?
Pretty rare, honestly. Skype Master Johnny? I
like sushi. I don't know what is dinner and what
is plant. I've just told you everything's dinner
is prepared correctly. Did you prepare the plate
correctly? But what is the plate? I don't know
what to put on what. Is the map a plate? Were
you aiming to eat the map? Yes. Then it's not
a plate, it's dinner. Well, I need to put this
on something. Eat with your hands like a man.
No, sir. Okay, but what about the fire? We need
that. We need the fire, but can we eat the fire?
Can we put the fire in our belly, you know? Can
we eat that? Is it consumable? Have you consumed
fire? All right, you guys would not survive an
hour without me. I've already told you, everything
is dinner if prepared correctly. Fire is dinner
if prepared correctly. Yes? You punctured the
car's wheels. Yeah? That's not a question. Are
the wheels edible? For Christ's sake, everything
is edible if prepared correctly. Have you prepared
the wheels correctly? But... How do I prepare
the wheels? My mum and dad sent me on this trip
so I could learn how to tie a knot and talk to
other children, and now I'm eating rubber. Your
mum and dad sent you on this trip because they
wanted some alone time, and you haven't learned
how to talk to any of these children. Have you
talked to anyone but me? No. All right, kids,
do any of you want to talk to this little turd?
Um... No. Is she dinner or is she a person? Yeah,
I was thinking that. For the love of God, have
you prepared her correctly? No, then she is not
dinner. It is a very simple rule. Sir, is it
a possibility I'm dinner? Sir, I swear to God,
if this is dinner related... Sir, are you dinner?
Have you prepared me correctly? How do we do
that? We spit roast them. No. I'm up for that.
No, this is not how you do it correctly. I learned
how to spit roast. First of all, you wait till
I'm asleep, alright? Then you hog time eat...
You put me up on a tree. You slit my throat and
let me bleed out, all right? That's step one.
Right? Okay, wait. I need a jaunt. That's done.
You don't know how to tie a knot, so don't even
try. Sir. Yes? When's bedtime? Are you tired?
When's your bedtime, sir? When are you going
to be asleep? I like your attitude, kid, but
I haven't slept in three days, and I won't for
another three. And then I will find a quiet cave,
I will seal it up, and I will rest for two weeks.
Then I'll kick the boulder out and be stronger
than ever. As a vintage vehicle collector, it
was a true honor to be able to give the tank
a spin. You know, the reception it received.
And the respect, rightfully so, because it really
is a powerful beast, was really something else.
And it brought me so much pride to see my wonderful
vintage tank, you know, crush the lampposts and
the small businesses of the small cobbled streets
of the town. I think we really were due to get
a bit of reconstruction done anyway. 30 years
this has been, you know, oh, we're getting the
streets done up. Don't worry, we'll have space
for your tank. We'll get car parking spaces big
enough. But did it happen? Did it happen? Sometimes
you just have to take the law into your own hands.
Is that vigilante justice? Who knows? I'm not
a judge, but it was nice. It's nice to let your
hair down. eventual demise of the tank was unfortunate.
I didn't expect it to go rogue and for me to
lose control of the tank completely. No one would
have been able to see that coming. But you live
and you learn. I will pay the fine. Okay, you
got that recorded? You're recording this, aren't
you? I'm going to pay your fine. Don't you worry,
Mayor. But you can't stop me from fixing up another
one. That's all I'm going to say. Well, Maureen,
welcome to your driving test in Abraham's Tank.
Okay, Maureen, we're just going to go up to the
roundabout here. Yeah, you can go ahead and drive
straight over it. Yeah, that's okay. Don't worry
about them kids, Maureen. They'll move. And if
they don't move... Natural selection. Yep, you
only killed one of them. That's okay. Now, Maureen,
there's a tank mine just above here. I want you
to bank lift and then pivot right, and then we're
going to do a three -point turn, and then we're
going to drive straight through this field hospital,
killing as many of the mayor's men as possible.
Oh, Maureen, if you just look up there. Now,
I don't usually do this on tests, but... If you
just look up there now, you can see the glorious
train. I tell you all, Maureen, when that falls,
it's going to be a hell of a thing for us, don't
you think? Okay, Maureen, I've gone ahead and
done something special for you because it's your
birthday and all, but the tourist loaded with
napalm. If you just want to go ahead and shoot
that church, go on right ahead there, Maureen.
They sent my corn brother into war, but not me.
They sent him, they said he was corn scripted,
and I can't believe it. I thought we'd go together.
I thought we'd die together like we almost died
last time. But no, he's gone to war. And I'm
left here without him. Please, Corn Brother,
please come back to me. I need you. I wanted
to die in the war with you. Or I wanted you to
die here in our shared bed at home. But it won't
be back until the train falls. I'm here to pick
up some donations for the trips if you want to
give anything that you think could help morale.
Which side? The mayor's side. Nothing on me.
Sorry. Can't do that. I could come back tomorrow
because I'll be picking up for the other side
as well if that works. How do we know where it's
going? I'll be in a different uniform. Yeah,
but you're collecting for both. It could be a
trick. Is this like the recycling where it all
goes to the same place? No, no, no. I wouldn't
recycle now. No, no, no. Hand on heart. I know
I raised my hand there. No, no. I want you to
put your hand to your heart here. Yeah, very
believable. Yeah, yeah. Put your hand to your
heart. No, I've made my decision. Hand on heart,
and I've raised my hand. Swearing something.
Yeah. I swear. On both of your graves. Oh, no.
No? On my grave? It's not there yet. Oh, no,
I have a family plot. My grave is there. It's
just waiting for me. I don't know how I feel
about that. Well, you don't have to feel anything.
It exists. Can we go see it? You can if you want,
yeah. Yeah, because I think it's sweet and...
Clive Derek. You know, I was going to keep this
for Valentine's Day, but I got us a drone plot.
Oh, that's nice. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. It's a great
idea. I got my wife to see them. A few years
back. I think I'm flattered. That's a big life
choice. It is. But we've only been dating like
a few months. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's going
really well. Oh, it is. Like, I don't know about
you, but I plan on living for a long time. That's
a good point. Yeah. Yeah. I might not need to
cash that in. It's cheaper if you buy it in advance.
That's true. That's what they said to me. You
get a better location. Is it a nice location?
Have you seen it? It's a lovely location. Where'd
you get? It's... Just near the top of the hill,
you can see the church. Wow. It's expensive,
that would have been, I'm sure. Big walk with
a coffin, though. I'll be honest, if you die
first, I don't mind that. Hmm. Thanks? That's
sweet. I agree, it's a little bit strong. I'm
coming on. But I'll also say that we have a 10
-year period where we can get it refunded. That's
useful. But is my name attached to it? Or like,
if we break up and then you do something else,
you can like... It's not transferable. It's not
transferable. So, we can still get buried together
if we break up. I wouldn't want that. No, I wouldn't
want that either, but... But what if I wanted
to be... I just feel like within the next 10
years, we know if this is serious or not. I'm
sorry, you haven't even considered the fact that
I might want to be buried in my family plot.
Well, I had, because we have a 10 -year refund
period. Look, it was a Black Friday deal. I just...
Oh, so it was cheap. They usually go for £6 ,000,
okay? But if you buy them in advance, I got it
for 450. 450 for a 6 ,000 plot. Who else is buying
a plot on Black Friday? No one. That's why it
was so cheap. Yeah, you're pre -buying it, what,
three months in advance of Valentine's? At least
way to an anniversary, you know? Look, there's
a refund period. I thought I might change my
mind. It was a bit of an impulse purchase. I'll
admit. You put my name down and you didn't consult
me. I asked if there was a refund period beforehand.
Okay, if you are unhappy, I can cancel it. It's
like signing a lease. Well, like a lease forever.
It's more involved than signing a lease on a
house. And I didn't get to view the house. You
can't cancel a lease. What if the water pressure
is bad, you know? In the grave? No, in the house.
In the metaphor she's using. Are we moving in
together? No. Okay, well, what water pressure
are you talking about? In the metaphor, in the
allegory. Yeah, you get it? Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry.
This has made me think very differently about
you, actually. Could I make a suggestion? Yes,
please do. If you've decided what you're going
to do with that grave by tomorrow when I come
back for donations... It's not transferable.
I've made that clear many times. But you could
donate it to the civilian cause. But it would
still be in our name. I'd be more comfortable
with that. Yeah, but it could be donated to the
civilian cause. Okay, but then we can't get it
refunded. It's your money. It was cheap. It was
cheap. We could fit a lot of bodies in a plot,
I'm sure. I'm not saying that I wouldn't spend
the full £6 ,000 on a grave for the two of us.
I'm just saying it was an impulse purchase at
the time. If you're unhappy, you can get it refunded
and no harm, no foul. Okay? Some people impulse
purchase a lamp. Like a big fancy lamp. It could
be more expensive than the lamp. That's true.
Yeah. Why were you thinking about me dying? I
was just browsing graves. I like to know the
going rates. It's like, you know when you go
on PropertyPal and you go, that's too expensive,
but it's still nice. I've been looking at a grave
for a long time and then suddenly... I don't
think I understand. It was more... Are you on
grave Reddit? Is this a thing? Is there something
about you that I don't know? I just... It was
92 % off. I don't think you understand how much...
Why was it that cheap? It's a bad grave. It's
cursed. Because... You're trying to trap me to
be with you forever. Had anyone died in that
grave that they didn't disclose? No, they just
had to... They dug someone up? They have to sell
it for... Oh my god, it's a second -hand grave.
They dig up all the graves. This town's too old
for new graves, okay? You don't understand how
graves work. Yeah, if you've been in the ground
for a hundred years, your bones get tossed in
the river. Or where you ask them to be disposed
of, but the river's the default. Yeah. That's
why I don't want to go to the river. So it was
cheap, and it's pre -owned. It was cheap because
they had to get it sold by the end of the week,
and not many people shop for graves on Black
Friday, okay? It was an opportunity. There's
nothing wrong with the grave. It was just the
stars aligned. Have you visited it? Yes, I go
there every weekend. What? Well, I mean... That's
where you go? Are you preloading your prayers
in? Well, I visit family too, but you know. Oh,
right. Dad family. Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest,
it's a little bit how I got interested in this
first, but you know. I've been going to my grave
and saying prayers every weekend. So I'm preloading
my prayers so that then if no one visits me,
I get prayers for the next 60 years anyway. Religiously,
I don't agree with that, but I can respect it.
You don't know what happens. If you go first,
I... Oh, my wife left me. She thought it was
a horrid idea. But that wasn't why she left me.
Again, if you don't want it, we get it refunded.
No harm, no foul. I think I don't want it. I'll
get it refunded. Or we can go on a trip instead.
I don't know if I want that. You're going to
be looking up the graves that you can buy. Yes.
It's a hobby of mine. It's interesting. You can
invest in it. How do you think I make my money?
I buy and sell lots of graves. So you're not
going to refund this. You're going to sell this
off to someone else. This one's non -transferable.
I've made this clear so many times. You vulture.
My name is Isabella Smyth, that's Isabella with
a Y, Smyth with an I, and I am the founder of
Equos, Dunbracken's premier equine milliner.
We've had an interesting war, I guess. The mayor
put in a very big order for what we call our
chapeaus, our horses' hats, right at the beginning.
So we've had lots to do, very, very busy. But
it's been worth it when we've looked out, you
know, in cocktail or over the estate, down to
the front line, seeing those promages, the feathers
dancing on the horse's head as they head into
battle. It's been really quite inspiring. The
mayor then was delighted, of course, and sent
us a big order then to diversify into uniforms.
So we've been doing that recently. It's been
a bit of a challenge colour -wise because...
A lot of the boys in the village can't tell the
difference between okra green and avocado green.
So there's been quite a bit of shooting people
on their own side. But I think mostly they seem
to know the difference now. That's quite good.
Look, I don't care one way or another about who's
fighting for what. I've got no allegiances, no
horse in this race for me, no thank you. But
they're going on about until the train falls.
And all I'm thinking is, what a magical place
that train must be. Full of helium? Imagine the
things you could do. Is this some magical, otherworldly
capsule in which you could just glide through
the air like one of them kids from Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory floating about without
a car in the world? It'd be magnificent. It'd
just be beautiful. Unbound from the earthly shackles
of gravity. Experiencing life the way we were
probably meant to. I know if God had anything
to say about this, he'd let us float about and
do whatever we want. So me and my mate Billy,
we've been, like we've got some wee hooks, we've
got some hooks on ropes, and we're just throwing
them up there. We'll see if we can land one,
and if we can get some good purchase on it, I'll
scale it. Because I'd rather die trying to get
up there than live through another day of this
nonsense. You have to get rid of some of these
clues. No, John, and I can take them all up the
mountain, it's okay. What do you mean, take them
all up the mountain? I mean, what if I need a
change up there? Just pack appropriately. I know,
but it's two whole days. Two whole days. I mean,
I'll need my normal clothes, my wet weather clothes,
my short clothes, my ones for when I'm doing
my Instagram photos, a change in case we see
a river, what if I want to go skinny dipping?
What if I get mauled by a bear? And then I need
to get changed, but only the clothes have been
mauled off. I'll need more clothes. You're too
concerned about image, love. What? Why don't
you just bring the necessary clothes that you
need? Yeah, I am. I mean, I'm just bringing the
necessary clothes and they're all necessary because
I've explained what they're for. Would you not
listen to me? Is that the problem? I am listening
to you, love. And you know what? I feel like
I've been listening for the first time in years.
Fuck thanks. I think it's over. What? The trip?
The trip. The subscriptions... That's non -refundable.
Well, you know what else is non -refundable?
The years I've spent trying to love you. You've
never tried in your life. Well, if that's what
you think, this is the first time I'm trying.
I'm telling you that I'm trying, and I'm going
to try and walk out that door. Back wise up.
Sure, you're always like this. No, no, come on.
Help me fit these things in the suitcase. There's
no suitcase. What? You'll be taking a suitcase
with you. I'm talking metaphorically. Oh. Except
the one that I'm packing to leave this house.
Well, no, I thought you said there wasn't a suitcase.
There is. It's full of my stuff, and I'm leaving
you. But if you're only annoyed at me now, how
have you already got a suitcase packed? Do you
not really know about this? I have a ghost suitcase
ready at any time if I want to dissolve our marriage,
and that is now. You're pulling the ripcord.
I'm pulling the ripcord. I've got the priest
on speed dial. It's all sorted out. You're not
taking the bearer bonds? Those are mine. My father
gave us those. Well, you can keep those. But
they better not be in your go -bag. You open
that up right now. No, I won't. You open that
up. I won't. It's private. Is this paracord?
Don't pull that. Look, my panties are everywhere.
I'm sorry. I didn't realise it would explode
all over the place. Well, that's always been
the problem, hasn't it? Now, I'm going to give
you a kiss goodbye. And that'll be it. Wait,
I want to get changed first. Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm Keith. And I'm Sharon. And we are just having
a great time. I love this place so much. We're
having a good time. We moved here on November
2024. Right. And then a war broke out. Yeah.
Little, little, little war. Yeah. Like, I just
love everything here. It's wonderful. It's just,
people are so kind. They're so easy to get along.
They're super, super nice. And then just really,
I haven't met anyone who isn't nice. The countryside,
so green. It's just, everything's just great.
Okay, so then this is the little thing about
the war, which, you know, kind of doesn't really
concern us, has nothing to do with us, right?
Right. I mean, yeah. That's just between the
people here, and we're just going to support
them. Yeah, I'm kind of anti -war. You know,
I like to say, I like anti -pasto, and I'm anti
-war. Okay, a little joke. I like that. That's
a good way to think of it. It's levity. It's
light. And I think that should be our rule here.
Let's support them with little tiny jokes. Oh,
okay. Well, let's see. I know one about an Irish
priest. No, no, let's not go there. Okay. I think
we should go there. Because it's like, the punchline
goes, ouch. Oh, that is fun. You know that one?
Yeah. That is fun. I love that one. Yeah, that
is very nice. I love it. I'm sorry to hear that
it didn't work out. You know, it's non -transferable,
but I can... It's still within the 10 years,
so, yeah, I guess get your £450 back. Yeah, it's...
I bought it without telling her. I thought it'd
be a surprise. I knew it was going to come on
strong at the time, but I thought it would go
for better than it did. It happens more than
you think. Like, it's sort of... 50 % of our
business goes through, 50 % of it. It's all refunds.
I would have been happier if he was having an
affair, honestly. Oh, you are. This is your partner.
Sorry, sorry. I don't think you mean that. No,
I think I mean that. The idea that you're looking
at places to die? Not in a bad way. No offense,
sir. I do it professionally. Yeah, well, you
can't do ticket fence. Yeah, that's my profession,
too. No, it's your profession. This is his hobby.
No, I told you. I make most of my income by buying.
Plots of land for cheap and selling it at a margin.
Oh, wait, what? You were looking to... But this
was non -transferable. This was a personal purchase.
Hang on. That is why I was on the website. I
was looking... I think it was a personal purchase.
I think you bought it for yourself and you didn't
really factor me into it. I mean, you did because
you had to put another name down. It was a couple's
grave. I had a wee bit of wine. I thought, this
will be romantic. It obviously wasn't. I'm sorry.
It obviously wasn't. I'm sorry, guys. I'm just
going to have to point to the sign. I know it's
not refundable. I know it's not transferable.
No, no, the other sign. No arguments. No, no.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful.
You know couples like massages? You can just
go to that. You can book that and just be one
person that turns up. It kind of sounds like
you're starting an argument here again. I'm just
letting you know some stuff. I'll also say just
because I bought a grave doesn't mean I can't
also go to a massage. This was just one gift.
I thought we were in this for the long run. This
wasn't going to be the only purchase I make in
my life on this relationship. Would you like
the refund in vouchers with our sister company?
I'd rather have cash. Oh, okay. Don't even try
this. All right. Not your first rodeo. No, no.
Oh. What? Not your first rodeo. Well, yeah, we...
I buy plots of land to be buried in... No, I
understand that. You've made that abundantly
clear. Well... But you bought this as a gift
for a partner before? That's how you knew to
look on Black Friday. That's why you were preloading
it for Valentine's. Because you've done it with
someone else before. It's not even special. It's
just weird and not unique. And a reused plot
and on the cheap. I'm sorry, but you know this
isn't my first relationship. I've bought plots
of land before, okay? It's not his first rodeo.
I understand that. You're not helping, sir. You're
not helping. You're not obeying the store rules
here. You're also getting involved in this. Yeah,
you started this. I didn't start this. He didn't
start that. That's not fair. You bought a plot
of land for a grave for your partner. I'm sure
you've had a couple's massage before, right?
I don't go, well, it's not special now because
you've had one before. No, but you made a commitment
till death do us part. And then I guess that
intimidated you. I gave us a 10 year window to
make that commitment. Oh my God. Are you going
to tell me that? I'm saying you had a 10 year
refund window with someone else. It's not even...
It's not transferable. It's only with you. I'm
sorry. Refund cancelled. You've broken the store
policy. Please leave. No, listen. Thank you very
much for your time. Are you telling me that by
2035, you still don't know whether we're in this
for the long haul? Oh, I know. You know what?
We're angry. Let's cool down, and we'll have
this discussion tomorrow. Hello, name's Turlock.
Well, the war broke my frickin' heart, you know
what I'm saying? This one time... So I was supposed
to meet up with my girlfriend. She wasn't officially
my girlfriend at the time. She didn't tell her
family about us, but we were about to be boyfriend
and girlfriend. And we were going to meet up
and kill some people with bad morals with her
family gun. And she showed up this day, and I'm
waiting for her. Honestly, we were supposed to
meet up at about half six, and she showed up
at seven. So I'm already a bit pissed off that
she's already showed up late to our date. And
then she has to bring her little brother, Corey.
And he's, like, I'm not going to lie, he has
a moustache. And, I mean, I want to be friends
with our family too, but why is he on our date?
You know what I'm saying? So, there was a bit
of tension there from even the get -go. And we
tried to go and kill someone, but then our older
brother had to take the gun. Like, after about
45 minutes. For his own thing. And, because he
was going to a cinema, but he was going to see
a movie, but it was only a short film. He went
to see it, and then he changed his mind and wanted
to go back and do his own thing. I just... It
was getting a bit too much for me. And I kind
of shouted at her. And now, that was bad. I admit
that. I admit that. It was kind of bad to shout
at her. But, oh God. And then she left with her
big brothers. Because her two brothers. Well,
one of them is her younger brother. And one of
them is her bigger brother. And they said, you're
not speaking to our sister like this. Well, I
mean, the older brother was very diplomatic about
it. But the younger brother spoke with a weird
accent. And he was very threatening to me. uh
very uh possessive of his sister anyway it was
she was crying so anyway then they went home
and and anyway i haven't seen her since and i'm
sorry you know what i'm saying like it was just
a lot of stress during the war and they say like
war is supposed to make like make you love someone
more or something like that and it did it did
like i did love her the more and i just want
her back you know what i'm saying i just want
her back my heart's broken for her And I just
want her back and we don't kill anyone for our
moral militia. Like, I'd follow her to the end
of the earth, you know what I'm saying? But it's
not right. It's not right. The war brings people
apart. It pulls people apart. It was not right.
I just don't understand why nobody's looting
my store. Every other business owner on this
strip has had their storefront smashed in and
all the stock gutted. Why not mine? You have
phone accessories for days in here. We've got
the cutest crazy frog stickers, and it doesn't
have to be used on your phone. You know, you
can use it in the war. Stick it on your gun.
Put it on your grenade before it blows up and
make it fabulous. Day 35. A solo monologue as
I wait for the action. Five years of stage combat
yet to be put into action. And many more years
of actual combat action yet to be put into action.
But I wait like a viper, ready to strike downstage
right. I yearn for war, but I also yearn for
the end of war. For when the train falls, that
is the only time we will be truly free of this.
I would like to take center stage, but I believe
I am more important to these people as a mythological
type figure to get them through. These tough
times. Ah, how I miss my little protégés. I think
about what they would be doing right now. Probably
infesting some sort of badger hole, ready to
strike the enemy once they go past. I imagine
all -out guerrilla warfare for them. I've taught
them well. And they have taught me how important
I am to them. Yes, a shaft of light enters my
cave from where I have taken a position. I can
hear the cries of war, as if to be supported
by a Greek chorus in all of this. A Greek tragedy.
Yes. Yes. Once the war is over, though, they
will see me make a marvelous return to the stage.
This has filled me with a new passion, indeed,
a passion for life and a strange passion for
death, which will only improve future performances.
I believe this has been an important time for
me to do some self -reflecting. To be or not
to be, that is what war is all about. I did kill
at the start of this war. Kill my ambitions of
ever coming back to the stage. What if it never
ended, this ongoing war? The train never falls,
the curtain never falls on another one of my
performances. I was not to know how I would return
from this. A changed man. Yes, but not in the
way that I thought. I have returned with a passion.
I have come up with a one -man play in my mind.
The Marzipan Diaries. Strange to be playing myself,
but a different form of me. An exaggerated character.
I'm sure the people would be ready for this.
After times of war, it is nice to indulge in
various activities and entertainments to take
the mind off the horrors. My rations run low.
My body has been changed by the experience. But
I believe I can take a new form on stage. I'm
excited. The lights go up. I am totally naked.
Center stage. Our trumpet sounds. Sad and mournful.
A fanfare for the dawn of a new day, the beginning
of a violence. I turn to face the audience. Some
people look away, some people watch on in horror,
disgust, and in curiosity. Smoke fills the stage.
I remark on this. Ah, though the stage may be
cloudy to an actor, my mind is clearer now than
ever before. Gunshot, gunshot, gunshot. I stand
there, unmoved by the sounds of war. Previously,
I would have rung for cover, but now... Now I
am a changed man, and it does not move me. That's
about as far as I've gotten, but it's a... It's
a splendor for the senses. And yes, I hope the
war continues for a while so I can keep working
on this, but I'll see how this goes. wanted to
ride a bicycle. I wanted to know how to ride
it, and I just couldn't. Every time I sat on
one, I fell off it. You know, I just dropped
off that thing, and I banged my wee hip, and
it was so painful. So, as any normal person would
do, I started looking in. To the mythologies
of the world for things that it grant wishes.
You know, like genies. Or djinn, as certain cultures
call them. And it came upon the story of the
devil and the crossroads. So, the devil would
show up at the crossroads somewhere in America.
And he'd grant you any wish you want. in exchange
for your immortal soul. Now, I want to ride a
bike like you wouldn't believe, but I feel like
your immortal soul is maybe a bit much for just
gaining a new method of transportation. But when
the war kicked off, bombs were going off left,
right and centre. And there was a big old explosion
down in the centre of town. And it carved a mighty
crevasse into the earth. Now, I don't think it
got all the way down to hell. But some stuff
started coming out. And it wasn't a crossroads.
It was just like a T -junction. You know, it
was just a little intersection. So I started
waiting. Waiting there every night. Hoping something
would come out. And I think it was someone from
one of the lower pantheons. You know, like maybe
Paimon or someone. And he didn't want my soul.
I said, I want to ride a bike. And he said, no,
no, no, I don't need your soul. Just give me
your general sense of self -worth. And I said,
you know what? I think I could. I think I could
earn that back just by doing some cycling. So
I gave him a sense of self -worth. You know how
it is. But I've been shaving time off all my
trips to the shops. So I can't complain. The
worst thing about this whole war is that five
penny sweets that I used to get from tuck shop.
They went up to 5p. As you know, inflation, things
happening. You know, I can't stop the economy,
especially during wartime. But now wartime, earring
suites have gone back down to 1p. I don't have
1p. I've got 5ps. I've got a monopoly in 5ps.
I don't have 1p. What am I meant to do? If I
want to go to the tuck shop and get one suite,
what, I have to buy five? I'm on a diet. It's
not fair. War has ruined this country, and I
won't be happy until the train falls. Hey, just
collecting donations. Yeah, you can have the
grave. You can have the fucking grave. Don't
need a double grave. I thought it was non -transferable.
Just change the name of whoever dies. I'm going
to happily fake my own death at this point. Okay.
Thank you very much. Very generous. Very generous.
You had said you'd separate it from your wife?
Yeah. Interesting. Wow. I just wanted to get
me turnips because it was turnip wrapping and
seeds and that four months ago. Me feet is full
of bloody IEDs now, and I can't get them, and
they're going to be far past done. It's like
when you put your smileys in the oven for too
long, and then they're all burnt. Well, I hope
they'll be able to get them. Well, I'm kind of
upset. I thought we told you to be home at 10.
Yeah, we said 10. But Mom, Dad, it's martial
law. Yeah, exactly. It's martial law. Like, you
want to get shot? You know, do you want to survive
this war? Well, I was hanging out with all the
marshals. I don't like those boys. There's a
lot of marshals. I don't like those boys very
much. There's a lot of them. But martial law
means I can have sex with any marshal that I
want to. Honey, that's... You know how I feel
about sex. Well, all the marshals seem okay with
it. Your mom and I both are very sex positive.
Very. Very. Very, very sex positive. We have
lots of sex. Yeah. We talk about it a lot. And
we want you to have sex too, but not in Ireland.
So you guys can have sex all you want, all day,
every day, which I hear, thank you, but I can't
have sex with the marshals? Mom. Hearing martial
law? Well, when... I mean, when a mommy and daddy
or a mommy and mommy or a daddy and daddy love
each other a lot, then they can have sex with
each other in a really sweet way. I love everyone.
You've always taught me to love everyone and
be loving. And that's what I'm doing with the
Marshalls. Well, and we want you to love them
a lot, just not in a sexual way just yet. We
love you a lot because we have lots of love for
the world, too. We have a lot of love for it.
We love you more than anyone in this world. whether
it's martial law or not. The law says that you
can have sex with anyone named Marshall, and
it's not my fault that most of the boys around
here are named Marshall. Damn it, why are there
so many Marshalls around? I'm also just trying
to be a patriot. I guess she's right. I mean...
I guess she's right. She kind of has a point.
She does have a really good point. She kind of
has a point. It's her duty to have sex with all
of the marshals. Yeah. That's what martial law
maybe means, kind of. Yeah. Okay. Well, then,
I guess go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Just watch for
the snipers. Serpentine. And keep your head down
when you're giving oral or receiving oral sex.
Right. Yeah. Head down. Head down. Got it. Thanks,
Dad. We love you, honey. Well, I have to say,
you're some puff with thorn grappling hook, Billy.
Thanks, boss. I can't believe you got it right
up and over the train. I was about to, I swear.
So, what have I done here? I've got all the gear,
I've opened up the doors, and I've hooked thorn
blankets outside, like sails. It looks incredible.
Like seals, Billy. The places will go. Oh, it's
going to be amazing. Should I come up? No, you
can't come up. Now, I don't know if the rope
is as secure now that I've gotten up here. I
don't want you risking anything. Are you sure?
We've come so far, Billy. So what I'll do, I'm
going to tie that harness on and I'll lower it
back down. And then I'll pull you up. Just secure
it and we'll be fine. Right. Just give me a wee
minute. Sounds good. What do you mean, you've
got a grave? We need cash. We also need a place
to put the bodies. We can't just keep leaving
them in the streets. No, we can't just keep accepting
random gifts. Sir, I asked for donations. Yes,
I know, but the donations are supposed to be
in cash. A lot of people, it's hard to come by
cash in a war, sir. I've been taking knickknacks.
I've been taking other things. I know. I know,
the store, the armory is full of your shit. It's
not my shit, it's the war effort's shit. What
are we going to do with a paddling pool, a jacuzzi?
There's two water holding devices. I'm sorry,
isn't there a river? We can put them in the river,
we can get to the other side. No, the river is...
I think that's how a paddling pool works. No,
that's not... You're going to tell me you're
not going to find a use for that Barney outfit?
I bet you it can hold some bullets before it
would touch a human body. Do you know what else
holds bullets? Magazines. That's what we need.
No, I'm saying it would be... If I was wearing
a Barney suit, I would be somewhat protected,
I think. Do you know what? You take the Barney
suit and we can put you on the front lines and
we'll get someone else to do the donations. I'm
a donations man. I'm good and proper. I don't
know if I've told you, I am collecting for both
sides. You do know that, right? What? I'm collecting
for both sides. I do you one day, and then I
do the civilians on another day. You're collecting
for the revolution? Of course, yeah. For the
militia? Yeah, somebody has to. I could give
them the shit you don't want. Put the Barney
suit on. Come and meet me around the alleyway.
Okay. I'll see you in five minutes. Okay. Honestly,
would you just shut the fuck up? I was fine when
you set up camp right beside my house. But I
have had to listen to your incessant dooty -looty
-looty -doos for four fucking months now. Just
learn a new song, you pack of bastards. What
are you looking at? You want me to come down
there and kick your ass? I'll stick that tin
whistle so far up your hole you'll be making
sweet melodies when you shite. At least that'll
be something new. Oh, you're in for it now. Jimmy,
get my heart. Billy. Yeah, Morris. The blankets
are catching the wind. No, no, no. She's getting
away from me. No, come on, you can do it. She's
getting away from me, Billy. No. I can't stop
her. Billy, no. Morris, don't leave me. Curse
this infernal engine! Believe me! Just like that.
As quickly as the war started, it ended. The
train never fell. One day, it just disappeared.
Where it went became the subject of rumours and
legend. And even when we tried to show the townsfolk
the clips from our documentary, which clearly
explained where it went, they simply refused
to believe. Perhaps they needed that, that bit
of magic to move on with their lives. Some of
them have already begun to act like it never
even happened. The mayor, still in charge of
the town, found a man hiding in his secret bunker
who was wanting to bring the town fair back.
And just like that, he had moved on to planning
his next big event. The townspeople? The survivors
of a four -month war? How are the families, torn
apart, the ruined friendships, the irreparable
damage to the town? Well, either through a shared
delusion, Or some sort of mass hypnosis or hysteria.
They act like it never happened at all. Hello?
Here? Are you mad? No. That was just a wee scuffle.
A wee bit of a laugh. I'm starting a GoFundMe
page for my fence. Can anyone help me save my
fence? Because she's broken. Buffett, she's broken.
Have you seen Dave? He was supposed to babysit
my kids last night, but he didn't show up. Have
you seen Dave? Aye, so, Principal Brown's lovely,
lovely coat was, uh, it was just a critical doll
and a smooch, because the cage he performed as
me, uh, I didn't have the dexterity and the limberness
needed for the role. But the kid they find, God,
this kid was a star in the making. Or maybe the
character was just a star. It was hard to say.
Maybe it was just a wonderfully, wonderfully
written character, you know? But this kid was
phenomenal. And I just, he got to star in The
King and I. And he just, he wasn't believable,
you know? And it's unfortunate. He was a one
-hit wonder, but not. Principal Brian's Lovely,
Lovely Coat. Oh, what can I say? I might, you
know what? You've given me a thought. I might
try and make that a school musical, you know,
in Christmas time or something. I think that
would be good for the folk to see that again.
Because, oh, it was just, as you say, it was
a wonderful show. And, you know, oh, maybe this
time, maybe this time, should I? Should I try
it? You know, we'll have it in auditions. But,
oh, maybe it's a part two. Maybe it's just a
part two for Principal Brian's Lovely, Lovely
Coat. Maybe he's got lovely, lovely shoes this
time. Or, or, oh, what's the coat? An inside
-out coat all that time. Oh, Principal Brown's
lovely, lovely inside coat out too. Oh, that
could be very exciting. Oh, I'm going to have
to brainstorm this. You just listened to part
five of the four -part miniseries, The Scuffles.
Thank you for tuning in. And be sure to check
out our next documentary, the subject of which,
one of Ireland's most curious cryptids, Clothed
Joe. As always, I've been Clumber Domperdo. I
never gave him a name. Clumber Domperdo. Oh,
Jesus Christ. Is that who I am? My clumber -dumber
-doo? Clumber -dumber -doo. Clumber -dumber -doo.
Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, that's that. No, I'm
doing better, Bob. Yeah, no, I am. I know it's...
He didn't have a choice. I know he wouldn't have
left if... I know he tried everything. I just
hope wherever he is that he's okay, you know?
I hope he's out there in some distant land just
living his best life. You know, Mom? Just like
all the dreams we had, we were going to scale
it. We were going to travel the world, you know?
We were going to just see it all. See it all
just together like we always wanted. No, I'm
doing okay. I'm doing okay. I just... I just...
I just miss him. I just miss him. What is it?
What is it? What is it? Who's there? Who's there?
Show yourself. Bully! Who's there? Bully! Boris?
Look up! Boris! Boris! You didn't think I'd leave
you behind, did you? Hello. We did it. That's
the first ever miniseries complete. done. Finistoed.
All five parts of the four -part miniseries are
now complete. That has well and truly kicked
off season three for us now here. So now we're
going back to your regularly scheduled Dumbrag.
Although I say regularly scheduled is entirely
incorrect because specifically the word scheduled
because the schedule is changing. I'll be moving
to fortnightly releases so the next episode will
be out on what is that the 17th? of June, and
then after that, it'll be the first of July.
You know, you know, you know how fortnights work.
Every other Tuesday, every second Tuesday, we
will be doing a little Dumb Bracken episode.
Hey, Butch, you were pronounced, you were pronounced,
you were promised some big announcements. Ah,
I see what I did there. Portmanteau to that word.
Anyway, you were pronounced to be getting some
big announcements, the first of which, the big
one. Is that for the first time ever we're doing
a live show. So we're going to do a live version
of the podcast. On Saturday the 28th of June.
Back to Dumb Bracken Live. It's happening. And
it's occurring in Belfast in the Accidental Theatre.
And that's crazy. This will be a one night thing.
And for a lot of you who don't exist in Belfast,
Northern Ireland. The show is going to be live
streamed as well. So for wherever you are in
the world. You can watch it in person or online
behind someone's sofa. They don't even need to
know you're there. Are they watching it too?
Or are you behind their sofa with a little iPad?
Ooh, it's so exciting. I can't wait to see what
you do. I think it's going to be absolute carnage.
I have a lot of great, I mean, a lot of the people
that you know and love, the voices and characters
will be returning. We'll also get a bunch of
new ones. So it's going to be a bunch of scenes
and silly stuff. You know, it's going to be the
classic podcast, but live. I'm also very excited
because the second half of the show is going
to be Dunbracken the Musical. The opening and
closing night of Dunbracken the Musical. That's
two shows in one. You get a normal 50 minute
episode of Dunbracken and then you get a brand
new musical. God, we're treating you well. And
you can watch it online. Also, for those of you
who can't make it, can't watch it online, it's
going to be available on demand for like a week.
So you can buy a ticket to watch it on demand
for about a week or so. Which is pretty awesome
too, and I'm very pleased that we've got the
chance to do that. So if that interests you,
tickets are available at accidentaltheatre .co
.uk. That's accidentaltheatre .co .uk. There's
also a link in the show notes if that's handier,
and of course that's much handier than trying
to parse out my cruelly enunciated words. Anyway,
yes, I think that's it. Saturday the 28th of
June at Accidental Theatre in Belfast. to Bracken's
first ever live show. But until Tuesday the 17th,
that is where I leave you. Good day. Good day.
Goodbye. Good -da -bye. I'm leaving now. I'm
ending this recording. I hit the wrong button.