WEBVTT 00:00:02.769 --> 00:00:06.549 Which one of us is sleeping outside the tent 00:00:06.549 --> 00:00:09.570 as it's only meant for three people? Do you not 00:00:09.570 --> 00:00:11.490 look at the schedule? Are we going to have different 00:00:11.490 --> 00:00:14.349 people on watch out? At no point will all four 00:00:14.349 --> 00:00:16.690 of us be asleep. Bears have been spotted in Dunbracken. 00:00:16.769 --> 00:00:19.769 We can't take the risk. Ferrets. Ferrets and 00:00:19.769 --> 00:00:22.589 bears. Oh my. Sorry, I thought you said ferrets. 00:00:22.690 --> 00:00:25.910 I do apologise. Bears makes much more sense to 00:00:25.910 --> 00:00:27.329 be scared of. And ferrets. Ferrets have been 00:00:27.329 --> 00:00:29.670 spotted in Dunbracken for a long time, and they've 00:00:29.670 --> 00:00:31.809 really been egging the bears on. I was building 00:00:31.809 --> 00:00:34.229 you up to ferrets. I was starting non -threatening 00:00:34.229 --> 00:00:36.329 with the bears, and then I was bringing you up 00:00:36.329 --> 00:00:38.329 to ferrets. Ferrets are nice little creatures, 00:00:38.369 --> 00:00:40.710 though. Oh, yeah, but they really get those bears 00:00:40.710 --> 00:00:44.030 riled up. Why? I don't speak their language, 00:00:44.109 --> 00:00:45.810 but every time I see them interact, the bear 00:00:45.810 --> 00:00:48.210 gets furious. My understanding is they have the 00:00:48.210 --> 00:00:51.869 same diets, and they're fighting over... It's 00:00:51.869 --> 00:00:54.369 food. It's the source of food. They won't steal 00:00:54.369 --> 00:00:56.649 our food, will they? Ah, threw it in a tree. 00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:22.180 I am not one of these pacifists you see on the 00:01:22.180 --> 00:01:24.040 news or anything just running their mouths. But 00:01:24.040 --> 00:01:26.420 I'm not shooting nobody. I'm not killing nobody. 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:29.560 And I'm not using any violence, right? It's not 00:01:29.560 --> 00:01:31.939 my way. It's not my style. What I can do for 00:01:31.939 --> 00:01:34.900 you is I've got a big van full of stuff and maybe 00:01:34.900 --> 00:01:37.540 we can work something out. So, turns out, right, 00:01:37.620 --> 00:01:39.260 he was looking for a way to communicate with 00:01:39.260 --> 00:01:40.579 some of his mates. Because they couldn't get 00:01:40.579 --> 00:01:42.180 no signal or anything because there was jamming 00:01:42.180 --> 00:01:43.680 radars and stuff like that. I don't know what 00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:46.150 it is. But I said to him, look, here. I've had, 00:01:46.150 --> 00:01:48.310 in the back of my van, a big box of knockies. 00:01:48.329 --> 00:01:51.430 I got them from China in about 2004. We haven't 00:01:51.430 --> 00:01:53.069 been able to shift them. And I think they work 00:01:53.069 --> 00:01:55.349 on a different signal. So, sure, we checked it 00:01:55.349 --> 00:01:58.010 out. And it was true. So I said, 60 quid a pop. 00:01:58.349 --> 00:02:00.469 And you said, you know what? Shooking it right 00:02:00.469 --> 00:02:02.409 there and then. I said, now you're shaking this, 00:02:02.450 --> 00:02:03.510 you're going to leave me alone for the rest of 00:02:03.510 --> 00:02:05.390 the war. And he said, I'll leave you alone for 00:02:05.390 --> 00:02:07.769 the rest of the war. And sure, didn't he do just 00:02:07.769 --> 00:02:14.680 that? Good old war. I write the obituaries for 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:18.319 the paper, so I do, and it's just hard to keep 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:22.780 up with all of the deaths. And then, you know, 00:02:22.840 --> 00:02:26.740 I started thinking, oh, if I was working on commission, 00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:32.379 I'd be better off. It'd be easier to say who's 00:02:32.379 --> 00:02:40.340 still alive than who's died. And it was his night. 00:02:41.180 --> 00:02:46.699 that raised the train above us and it is by his 00:02:46.699 --> 00:02:53.800 will alone we will be delivered to our paradise 00:02:53.800 --> 00:03:01.259 follow the shadows of the train you will be delivered 00:03:01.259 --> 00:03:11.250 to his greatness The small island of Dunbracken 00:03:11.250 --> 00:03:14.509 has, for the past four months, been subject to 00:03:14.509 --> 00:03:17.150 one of the strangest conflicts the world has 00:03:17.150 --> 00:03:20.830 ever seen. Laws have been passed by random people 00:03:20.830 --> 00:03:24.229 declaring it so. The death toll continues to 00:03:24.229 --> 00:03:27.550 rise, then fall, because the people keeping count 00:03:27.550 --> 00:03:30.469 were shot, and the replacements hadn't got that 00:03:30.469 --> 00:03:33.550 day's numbers yet, and then those too were shot. 00:03:34.030 --> 00:03:36.330 So it really is anyone's guess as to what the 00:03:36.330 --> 00:03:40.770 true death toll is. A copycat of the mayor has 00:03:40.770 --> 00:03:44.229 been spotted around town and has begun arresting 00:03:44.229 --> 00:03:47.810 soldiers who jaywalk across the streets. And 00:03:47.810 --> 00:03:50.210 a train full of helium has stayed in the sky 00:03:50.210 --> 00:03:55.389 for over a... Hello, stick around for an announcement 00:03:55.389 --> 00:04:01.389 at the end of the show. How that soldier ended 00:04:01.389 --> 00:04:04.490 up with a goat for a head? was anyone's guess 00:04:04.490 --> 00:04:08.689 but he stood as a clear warning for all trespassers 00:04:08.689 --> 00:04:20.470 who dared venture into that field out here in 00:04:20.470 --> 00:04:24.350 the wilderness right everything you look at is 00:04:24.350 --> 00:04:28.550 edible you can make anything dinner if you really 00:04:28.550 --> 00:04:31.759 want to Is it actually dinner, or are we just 00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:35.160 so desperate that we think that it could be dinner, 00:04:35.259 --> 00:04:38.160 you know? No, it's a proper dinner. That moss? 00:04:38.620 --> 00:04:42.699 Dinner. That rock the moss is on? Dinner. Gravel? 00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:48.519 Dinner. Map? Dinner. Yeah, okay, some of those 00:04:48.519 --> 00:04:52.079 things, sure. But maybe I'm not preparing my 00:04:52.079 --> 00:04:54.800 rocks correctly. How are you preparing your rocks? 00:04:55.480 --> 00:05:00.560 Pretty rare, honestly. Skype Master Johnny? I 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:04.339 like sushi. I don't know what is dinner and what 00:05:04.339 --> 00:05:07.160 is plant. I've just told you everything's dinner 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:10.060 is prepared correctly. Did you prepare the plate 00:05:10.060 --> 00:05:12.740 correctly? But what is the plate? I don't know 00:05:12.740 --> 00:05:17.579 what to put on what. Is the map a plate? Were 00:05:17.579 --> 00:05:21.579 you aiming to eat the map? Yes. Then it's not 00:05:21.579 --> 00:05:23.319 a plate, it's dinner. Well, I need to put this 00:05:23.319 --> 00:05:26.000 on something. Eat with your hands like a man. 00:05:26.439 --> 00:05:30.519 No, sir. Okay, but what about the fire? We need 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:33.139 that. We need the fire, but can we eat the fire? 00:05:33.139 --> 00:05:35.899 Can we put the fire in our belly, you know? Can 00:05:35.899 --> 00:05:39.149 we eat that? Is it consumable? Have you consumed 00:05:39.149 --> 00:05:42.170 fire? All right, you guys would not survive an 00:05:42.170 --> 00:05:44.750 hour without me. I've already told you, everything 00:05:44.750 --> 00:05:47.470 is dinner if prepared correctly. Fire is dinner 00:05:47.470 --> 00:05:50.529 if prepared correctly. Yes? You punctured the 00:05:50.529 --> 00:05:55.709 car's wheels. Yeah? That's not a question. Are 00:05:55.709 --> 00:05:59.750 the wheels edible? For Christ's sake, everything 00:05:59.750 --> 00:06:02.670 is edible if prepared correctly. Have you prepared 00:06:02.670 --> 00:06:05.230 the wheels correctly? But... How do I prepare 00:06:05.230 --> 00:06:07.430 the wheels? My mum and dad sent me on this trip 00:06:07.430 --> 00:06:10.649 so I could learn how to tie a knot and talk to 00:06:10.649 --> 00:06:13.009 other children, and now I'm eating rubber. Your 00:06:13.009 --> 00:06:14.629 mum and dad sent you on this trip because they 00:06:14.629 --> 00:06:16.589 wanted some alone time, and you haven't learned 00:06:16.589 --> 00:06:18.589 how to talk to any of these children. Have you 00:06:18.589 --> 00:06:22.529 talked to anyone but me? No. All right, kids, 00:06:22.670 --> 00:06:24.689 do any of you want to talk to this little turd? 00:06:25.230 --> 00:06:29.089 Um... No. Is she dinner or is she a person? Yeah, 00:06:29.110 --> 00:06:32.089 I was thinking that. For the love of God, have 00:06:32.089 --> 00:06:34.810 you prepared her correctly? No, then she is not 00:06:34.810 --> 00:06:37.069 dinner. It is a very simple rule. Sir, is it 00:06:37.069 --> 00:06:39.170 a possibility I'm dinner? Sir, I swear to God, 00:06:39.230 --> 00:06:41.350 if this is dinner related... Sir, are you dinner? 00:06:41.610 --> 00:06:44.290 Have you prepared me correctly? How do we do 00:06:44.290 --> 00:06:47.589 that? We spit roast them. No. I'm up for that. 00:06:47.930 --> 00:06:50.189 No, this is not how you do it correctly. I learned 00:06:50.189 --> 00:06:51.509 how to spit roast. First of all, you wait till 00:06:51.509 --> 00:06:53.670 I'm asleep, alright? Then you hog time eat... 00:06:53.850 --> 00:06:55.810 You put me up on a tree. You slit my throat and 00:06:55.810 --> 00:06:57.509 let me bleed out, all right? That's step one. 00:06:58.550 --> 00:07:00.870 Right? Okay, wait. I need a jaunt. That's done. 00:07:01.069 --> 00:07:03.209 You don't know how to tie a knot, so don't even 00:07:03.209 --> 00:07:06.610 try. Sir. Yes? When's bedtime? Are you tired? 00:07:07.050 --> 00:07:09.649 When's your bedtime, sir? When are you going 00:07:09.649 --> 00:07:12.569 to be asleep? I like your attitude, kid, but 00:07:12.569 --> 00:07:15.509 I haven't slept in three days, and I won't for 00:07:15.509 --> 00:07:19.189 another three. And then I will find a quiet cave, 00:07:19.370 --> 00:07:22.750 I will seal it up, and I will rest for two weeks. 00:07:23.240 --> 00:07:25.220 Then I'll kick the boulder out and be stronger 00:07:25.220 --> 00:07:42.360 than ever. As a vintage vehicle collector, it 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:46.740 was a true honor to be able to give the tank 00:07:46.740 --> 00:07:51.540 a spin. You know, the reception it received. 00:07:52.319 --> 00:07:55.019 And the respect, rightfully so, because it really 00:07:55.019 --> 00:07:59.259 is a powerful beast, was really something else. 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:04.740 And it brought me so much pride to see my wonderful 00:08:04.740 --> 00:08:09.459 vintage tank, you know, crush the lampposts and 00:08:09.459 --> 00:08:12.819 the small businesses of the small cobbled streets 00:08:12.819 --> 00:08:18.379 of the town. I think we really were due to get 00:08:18.379 --> 00:08:22.319 a bit of reconstruction done anyway. 30 years 00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:25.060 this has been, you know, oh, we're getting the 00:08:25.060 --> 00:08:27.920 streets done up. Don't worry, we'll have space 00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:30.699 for your tank. We'll get car parking spaces big 00:08:30.699 --> 00:08:34.740 enough. But did it happen? Did it happen? Sometimes 00:08:34.740 --> 00:08:38.580 you just have to take the law into your own hands. 00:08:38.820 --> 00:08:43.340 Is that vigilante justice? Who knows? I'm not 00:08:43.340 --> 00:08:47.919 a judge, but it was nice. It's nice to let your 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:52.750 hair down. eventual demise of the tank was unfortunate. 00:08:53.129 --> 00:08:58.090 I didn't expect it to go rogue and for me to 00:08:58.090 --> 00:09:01.389 lose control of the tank completely. No one would 00:09:01.389 --> 00:09:05.590 have been able to see that coming. But you live 00:09:05.590 --> 00:09:09.009 and you learn. I will pay the fine. Okay, you 00:09:09.009 --> 00:09:12.110 got that recorded? You're recording this, aren't 00:09:12.110 --> 00:09:15.230 you? I'm going to pay your fine. Don't you worry, 00:09:15.309 --> 00:09:19.220 Mayor. But you can't stop me from fixing up another 00:09:19.220 --> 00:09:25.940 one. That's all I'm going to say. Well, Maureen, 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:30.279 welcome to your driving test in Abraham's Tank. 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:34.740 Okay, Maureen, we're just going to go up to the 00:09:34.740 --> 00:09:38.159 roundabout here. Yeah, you can go ahead and drive 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:41.840 straight over it. Yeah, that's okay. Don't worry 00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:44.480 about them kids, Maureen. They'll move. And if 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.580 they don't move... Natural selection. Yep, you 00:09:47.580 --> 00:09:50.580 only killed one of them. That's okay. Now, Maureen, 00:09:50.659 --> 00:09:54.120 there's a tank mine just above here. I want you 00:09:54.120 --> 00:09:57.600 to bank lift and then pivot right, and then we're 00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:00.519 going to do a three -point turn, and then we're 00:10:00.519 --> 00:10:02.980 going to drive straight through this field hospital, 00:10:03.299 --> 00:10:06.379 killing as many of the mayor's men as possible. 00:10:06.740 --> 00:10:09.519 Oh, Maureen, if you just look up there. Now, 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:12.259 I don't usually do this on tests, but... If you 00:10:12.259 --> 00:10:14.799 just look up there now, you can see the glorious 00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:18.179 train. I tell you all, Maureen, when that falls, 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.139 it's going to be a hell of a thing for us, don't 00:10:22.139 --> 00:10:25.220 you think? Okay, Maureen, I've gone ahead and 00:10:25.220 --> 00:10:27.100 done something special for you because it's your 00:10:27.100 --> 00:10:30.559 birthday and all, but the tourist loaded with 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:33.419 napalm. If you just want to go ahead and shoot 00:10:33.419 --> 00:10:35.779 that church, go on right ahead there, Maureen. 00:10:38.730 --> 00:10:42.549 They sent my corn brother into war, but not me. 00:10:42.789 --> 00:10:46.250 They sent him, they said he was corn scripted, 00:10:46.250 --> 00:10:50.240 and I can't believe it. I thought we'd go together. 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:53.740 I thought we'd die together like we almost died 00:10:53.740 --> 00:10:57.820 last time. But no, he's gone to war. And I'm 00:10:57.820 --> 00:11:01.539 left here without him. Please, Corn Brother, 00:11:01.779 --> 00:11:06.019 please come back to me. I need you. I wanted 00:11:06.019 --> 00:11:08.720 to die in the war with you. Or I wanted you to 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:13.379 die here in our shared bed at home. But it won't 00:11:13.379 --> 00:11:37.330 be back until the train falls. I'm here to pick 00:11:37.330 --> 00:11:40.789 up some donations for the trips if you want to 00:11:40.789 --> 00:11:43.129 give anything that you think could help morale. 00:11:43.750 --> 00:11:52.309 Which side? The mayor's side. Nothing on me. 00:11:52.529 --> 00:11:57.570 Sorry. Can't do that. I could come back tomorrow 00:11:57.570 --> 00:11:59.409 because I'll be picking up for the other side 00:11:59.409 --> 00:12:02.350 as well if that works. How do we know where it's 00:12:02.350 --> 00:12:05.850 going? I'll be in a different uniform. Yeah, 00:12:05.870 --> 00:12:07.330 but you're collecting for both. It could be a 00:12:07.330 --> 00:12:09.370 trick. Is this like the recycling where it all 00:12:09.370 --> 00:12:12.309 goes to the same place? No, no, no. I wouldn't 00:12:12.309 --> 00:12:16.789 recycle now. No, no, no. Hand on heart. I know 00:12:16.789 --> 00:12:19.309 I raised my hand there. No, no. I want you to 00:12:19.309 --> 00:12:20.490 put your hand to your heart here. Yeah, very 00:12:20.490 --> 00:12:22.289 believable. Yeah, yeah. Put your hand to your 00:12:22.289 --> 00:12:25.070 heart. No, I've made my decision. Hand on heart, 00:12:25.090 --> 00:12:26.690 and I've raised my hand. Swearing something. 00:12:27.070 --> 00:12:30.700 Yeah. I swear. On both of your graves. Oh, no. 00:12:31.019 --> 00:12:34.100 No? On my grave? It's not there yet. Oh, no, 00:12:34.159 --> 00:12:36.600 I have a family plot. My grave is there. It's 00:12:36.600 --> 00:12:38.600 just waiting for me. I don't know how I feel 00:12:38.600 --> 00:12:41.039 about that. Well, you don't have to feel anything. 00:12:41.379 --> 00:12:44.120 It exists. Can we go see it? You can if you want, 00:12:44.179 --> 00:12:46.299 yeah. Yeah, because I think it's sweet and... 00:12:46.299 --> 00:12:47.779 Clive Derek. You know, I was going to keep this 00:12:47.779 --> 00:12:52.299 for Valentine's Day, but I got us a drone plot. 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:55.740 Oh, that's nice. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. It's a great 00:12:55.740 --> 00:12:57.759 idea. I got my wife to see them. A few years 00:12:57.759 --> 00:13:00.759 back. I think I'm flattered. That's a big life 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.519 choice. It is. But we've only been dating like 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:06.940 a few months. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's going 00:13:06.940 --> 00:13:09.039 really well. Oh, it is. Like, I don't know about 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:11.539 you, but I plan on living for a long time. That's 00:13:11.539 --> 00:13:13.820 a good point. Yeah. Yeah. I might not need to 00:13:13.820 --> 00:13:15.179 cash that in. It's cheaper if you buy it in advance. 00:13:15.559 --> 00:13:17.259 That's true. That's what they said to me. You 00:13:17.259 --> 00:13:19.100 get a better location. Is it a nice location? 00:13:19.320 --> 00:13:21.480 Have you seen it? It's a lovely location. Where'd 00:13:21.480 --> 00:13:23.629 you get? It's... Just near the top of the hill, 00:13:23.730 --> 00:13:26.409 you can see the church. Wow. It's expensive, 00:13:26.629 --> 00:13:28.570 that would have been, I'm sure. Big walk with 00:13:28.570 --> 00:13:30.809 a coffin, though. I'll be honest, if you die 00:13:30.809 --> 00:13:36.070 first, I don't mind that. Hmm. Thanks? That's 00:13:36.070 --> 00:13:40.169 sweet. I agree, it's a little bit strong. I'm 00:13:40.169 --> 00:13:44.450 coming on. But I'll also say that we have a 10 00:13:44.450 --> 00:13:46.610 -year period where we can get it refunded. That's 00:13:46.610 --> 00:13:50.419 useful. But is my name attached to it? Or like, 00:13:50.460 --> 00:13:51.879 if we break up and then you do something else, 00:13:51.879 --> 00:13:52.720 you can like... It's not transferable. It's not 00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:55.860 transferable. So, we can still get buried together 00:13:55.860 --> 00:13:58.100 if we break up. I wouldn't want that. No, I wouldn't 00:13:58.100 --> 00:13:59.639 want that either, but... But what if I wanted 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:01.159 to be... I just feel like within the next 10 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:03.019 years, we know if this is serious or not. I'm 00:14:03.019 --> 00:14:04.539 sorry, you haven't even considered the fact that 00:14:04.539 --> 00:14:06.539 I might want to be buried in my family plot. 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:08.820 Well, I had, because we have a 10 -year refund 00:14:08.820 --> 00:14:12.019 period. Look, it was a Black Friday deal. I just... 00:14:12.019 --> 00:14:14.919 Oh, so it was cheap. They usually go for £6 ,000, 00:14:15.220 --> 00:14:17.490 okay? But if you buy them in advance, I got it 00:14:17.490 --> 00:14:22.029 for 450. 450 for a 6 ,000 plot. Who else is buying 00:14:22.029 --> 00:14:24.190 a plot on Black Friday? No one. That's why it 00:14:24.190 --> 00:14:26.669 was so cheap. Yeah, you're pre -buying it, what, 00:14:26.750 --> 00:14:29.990 three months in advance of Valentine's? At least 00:14:29.990 --> 00:14:32.809 way to an anniversary, you know? Look, there's 00:14:32.809 --> 00:14:34.289 a refund period. I thought I might change my 00:14:34.289 --> 00:14:35.830 mind. It was a bit of an impulse purchase. I'll 00:14:35.830 --> 00:14:39.389 admit. You put my name down and you didn't consult 00:14:39.389 --> 00:14:41.649 me. I asked if there was a refund period beforehand. 00:14:41.909 --> 00:14:44.250 Okay, if you are unhappy, I can cancel it. It's 00:14:44.250 --> 00:14:46.860 like signing a lease. Well, like a lease forever. 00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:49.379 It's more involved than signing a lease on a 00:14:49.379 --> 00:14:52.480 house. And I didn't get to view the house. You 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:53.899 can't cancel a lease. What if the water pressure 00:14:53.899 --> 00:14:57.620 is bad, you know? In the grave? No, in the house. 00:14:57.860 --> 00:14:59.480 In the metaphor she's using. Are we moving in 00:14:59.480 --> 00:15:02.100 together? No. Okay, well, what water pressure 00:15:02.100 --> 00:15:04.080 are you talking about? In the metaphor, in the 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:06.919 allegory. Yeah, you get it? Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:09.120 This has made me think very differently about 00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:11.340 you, actually. Could I make a suggestion? Yes, 00:15:11.340 --> 00:15:13.399 please do. If you've decided what you're going 00:15:13.399 --> 00:15:15.320 to do with that grave by tomorrow when I come 00:15:15.320 --> 00:15:17.000 back for donations... It's not transferable. 00:15:17.100 --> 00:15:18.879 I've made that clear many times. But you could 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:21.480 donate it to the civilian cause. But it would 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:22.980 still be in our name. I'd be more comfortable 00:15:22.980 --> 00:15:24.820 with that. Yeah, but it could be donated to the 00:15:24.820 --> 00:15:26.200 civilian cause. Okay, but then we can't get it 00:15:26.200 --> 00:15:29.620 refunded. It's your money. It was cheap. It was 00:15:29.620 --> 00:15:31.860 cheap. We could fit a lot of bodies in a plot, 00:15:31.980 --> 00:15:33.980 I'm sure. I'm not saying that I wouldn't spend 00:15:33.980 --> 00:15:36.340 the full £6 ,000 on a grave for the two of us. 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:38.899 I'm just saying it was an impulse purchase at 00:15:38.899 --> 00:15:41.960 the time. If you're unhappy, you can get it refunded 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:44.860 and no harm, no foul. Okay? Some people impulse 00:15:44.860 --> 00:15:48.799 purchase a lamp. Like a big fancy lamp. It could 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:50.879 be more expensive than the lamp. That's true. 00:15:51.139 --> 00:15:55.100 Yeah. Why were you thinking about me dying? I 00:15:55.100 --> 00:15:58.960 was just browsing graves. I like to know the 00:15:58.960 --> 00:16:01.960 going rates. It's like, you know when you go 00:16:01.960 --> 00:16:04.580 on PropertyPal and you go, that's too expensive, 00:16:04.620 --> 00:16:06.600 but it's still nice. I've been looking at a grave 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:08.860 for a long time and then suddenly... I don't 00:16:08.860 --> 00:16:11.240 think I understand. It was more... Are you on 00:16:11.240 --> 00:16:14.759 grave Reddit? Is this a thing? Is there something 00:16:14.759 --> 00:16:17.919 about you that I don't know? I just... It was 00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:21.799 92 % off. I don't think you understand how much... 00:16:21.799 --> 00:16:26.080 Why was it that cheap? It's a bad grave. It's 00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:29.159 cursed. Because... You're trying to trap me to 00:16:29.159 --> 00:16:31.700 be with you forever. Had anyone died in that 00:16:31.700 --> 00:16:34.500 grave that they didn't disclose? No, they just 00:16:34.500 --> 00:16:37.350 had to... They dug someone up? They have to sell 00:16:37.350 --> 00:16:39.970 it for... Oh my god, it's a second -hand grave. 00:16:40.230 --> 00:16:42.789 They dig up all the graves. This town's too old 00:16:42.789 --> 00:16:45.669 for new graves, okay? You don't understand how 00:16:45.669 --> 00:16:47.450 graves work. Yeah, if you've been in the ground 00:16:47.450 --> 00:16:49.250 for a hundred years, your bones get tossed in 00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:52.090 the river. Or where you ask them to be disposed 00:16:52.090 --> 00:16:54.230 of, but the river's the default. Yeah. That's 00:16:54.230 --> 00:16:56.509 why I don't want to go to the river. So it was 00:16:56.509 --> 00:17:00.110 cheap, and it's pre -owned. It was cheap because 00:17:00.110 --> 00:17:02.230 they had to get it sold by the end of the week, 00:17:02.289 --> 00:17:04.650 and not many people shop for graves on Black 00:17:04.650 --> 00:17:08.319 Friday, okay? It was an opportunity. There's 00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:10.500 nothing wrong with the grave. It was just the 00:17:10.500 --> 00:17:13.680 stars aligned. Have you visited it? Yes, I go 00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:16.720 there every weekend. What? Well, I mean... That's 00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:18.660 where you go? Are you preloading your prayers 00:17:18.660 --> 00:17:21.559 in? Well, I visit family too, but you know. Oh, 00:17:21.579 --> 00:17:25.589 right. Dad family. Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest, 00:17:25.650 --> 00:17:27.349 it's a little bit how I got interested in this 00:17:27.349 --> 00:17:30.009 first, but you know. I've been going to my grave 00:17:30.009 --> 00:17:33.549 and saying prayers every weekend. So I'm preloading 00:17:33.549 --> 00:17:35.589 my prayers so that then if no one visits me, 00:17:35.650 --> 00:17:38.809 I get prayers for the next 60 years anyway. Religiously, 00:17:38.869 --> 00:17:41.250 I don't agree with that, but I can respect it. 00:17:42.109 --> 00:17:44.390 You don't know what happens. If you go first, 00:17:44.490 --> 00:17:46.230 I... Oh, my wife left me. She thought it was 00:17:46.230 --> 00:17:48.849 a horrid idea. But that wasn't why she left me. 00:17:48.950 --> 00:17:51.289 Again, if you don't want it, we get it refunded. 00:17:51.349 --> 00:17:54.789 No harm, no foul. I think I don't want it. I'll 00:17:54.789 --> 00:17:57.349 get it refunded. Or we can go on a trip instead. 00:17:57.890 --> 00:18:00.349 I don't know if I want that. You're going to 00:18:00.349 --> 00:18:02.849 be looking up the graves that you can buy. Yes. 00:18:03.269 --> 00:18:06.230 It's a hobby of mine. It's interesting. You can 00:18:06.230 --> 00:18:09.190 invest in it. How do you think I make my money? 00:18:09.630 --> 00:18:13.529 I buy and sell lots of graves. So you're not 00:18:13.529 --> 00:18:14.930 going to refund this. You're going to sell this 00:18:14.930 --> 00:18:16.849 off to someone else. This one's non -transferable. 00:18:17.170 --> 00:18:20.569 I've made this clear so many times. You vulture. 00:18:29.069 --> 00:18:31.210 My name is Isabella Smyth, that's Isabella with 00:18:31.210 --> 00:18:35.650 a Y, Smyth with an I, and I am the founder of 00:18:35.650 --> 00:18:40.430 Equos, Dunbracken's premier equine milliner. 00:18:41.089 --> 00:18:44.289 We've had an interesting war, I guess. The mayor 00:18:44.289 --> 00:18:48.750 put in a very big order for what we call our 00:18:48.750 --> 00:18:51.529 chapeaus, our horses' hats, right at the beginning. 00:18:51.950 --> 00:18:56.349 So we've had lots to do, very, very busy. But 00:18:56.349 --> 00:18:58.210 it's been worth it when we've looked out, you 00:18:58.210 --> 00:19:01.589 know, in cocktail or over the estate, down to 00:19:01.589 --> 00:19:05.009 the front line, seeing those promages, the feathers 00:19:05.009 --> 00:19:08.109 dancing on the horse's head as they head into 00:19:08.109 --> 00:19:12.710 battle. It's been really quite inspiring. The 00:19:12.710 --> 00:19:16.009 mayor then was delighted, of course, and sent 00:19:16.009 --> 00:19:19.230 us a big order then to diversify into uniforms. 00:19:19.269 --> 00:19:22.309 So we've been doing that recently. It's been 00:19:22.309 --> 00:19:24.849 a bit of a challenge colour -wise because... 00:19:25.309 --> 00:19:28.730 A lot of the boys in the village can't tell the 00:19:28.730 --> 00:19:31.309 difference between okra green and avocado green. 00:19:31.450 --> 00:19:34.549 So there's been quite a bit of shooting people 00:19:34.549 --> 00:19:38.210 on their own side. But I think mostly they seem 00:19:38.210 --> 00:19:40.269 to know the difference now. That's quite good. 00:19:43.210 --> 00:19:46.450 Look, I don't care one way or another about who's 00:19:46.450 --> 00:19:49.549 fighting for what. I've got no allegiances, no 00:19:49.549 --> 00:19:52.660 horse in this race for me, no thank you. But 00:19:52.660 --> 00:19:55.259 they're going on about until the train falls. 00:19:55.519 --> 00:19:59.319 And all I'm thinking is, what a magical place 00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:03.640 that train must be. Full of helium? Imagine the 00:20:03.640 --> 00:20:08.619 things you could do. Is this some magical, otherworldly 00:20:08.619 --> 00:20:11.940 capsule in which you could just glide through 00:20:11.940 --> 00:20:16.500 the air like one of them kids from Willy Wonka 00:20:16.500 --> 00:20:19.779 and the Chocolate Factory floating about without 00:20:19.779 --> 00:20:24.589 a car in the world? It'd be magnificent. It'd 00:20:24.589 --> 00:20:29.369 just be beautiful. Unbound from the earthly shackles 00:20:29.369 --> 00:20:33.130 of gravity. Experiencing life the way we were 00:20:33.130 --> 00:20:36.930 probably meant to. I know if God had anything 00:20:36.930 --> 00:20:39.950 to say about this, he'd let us float about and 00:20:39.950 --> 00:20:43.549 do whatever we want. So me and my mate Billy, 00:20:43.750 --> 00:20:46.970 we've been, like we've got some wee hooks, we've 00:20:46.970 --> 00:20:49.269 got some hooks on ropes, and we're just throwing 00:20:49.269 --> 00:20:51.880 them up there. We'll see if we can land one, 00:20:51.980 --> 00:20:55.200 and if we can get some good purchase on it, I'll 00:20:55.200 --> 00:21:00.440 scale it. Because I'd rather die trying to get 00:21:00.440 --> 00:21:03.660 up there than live through another day of this 00:21:03.660 --> 00:21:14.720 nonsense. You have to get rid of some of these 00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:18.259 clues. No, John, and I can take them all up the 00:21:18.259 --> 00:21:20.160 mountain, it's okay. What do you mean, take them 00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:22.839 all up the mountain? I mean, what if I need a 00:21:22.839 --> 00:21:26.279 change up there? Just pack appropriately. I know, 00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:29.339 but it's two whole days. Two whole days. I mean, 00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:32.099 I'll need my normal clothes, my wet weather clothes, 00:21:32.380 --> 00:21:34.980 my short clothes, my ones for when I'm doing 00:21:34.980 --> 00:21:37.819 my Instagram photos, a change in case we see 00:21:37.819 --> 00:21:39.740 a river, what if I want to go skinny dipping? 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:42.900 What if I get mauled by a bear? And then I need 00:21:42.900 --> 00:21:44.700 to get changed, but only the clothes have been 00:21:44.700 --> 00:21:47.950 mauled off. I'll need more clothes. You're too 00:21:47.950 --> 00:21:51.390 concerned about image, love. What? Why don't 00:21:51.390 --> 00:21:54.849 you just bring the necessary clothes that you 00:21:54.849 --> 00:21:57.349 need? Yeah, I am. I mean, I'm just bringing the 00:21:57.349 --> 00:21:59.130 necessary clothes and they're all necessary because 00:21:59.130 --> 00:22:01.450 I've explained what they're for. Would you not 00:22:01.450 --> 00:22:04.690 listen to me? Is that the problem? I am listening 00:22:04.690 --> 00:22:07.750 to you, love. And you know what? I feel like 00:22:07.750 --> 00:22:10.109 I've been listening for the first time in years. 00:22:10.509 --> 00:22:14.269 Fuck thanks. I think it's over. What? The trip? 00:22:14.549 --> 00:22:18.140 The trip. The subscriptions... That's non -refundable. 00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:21.000 Well, you know what else is non -refundable? 00:22:21.180 --> 00:22:24.740 The years I've spent trying to love you. You've 00:22:24.740 --> 00:22:27.559 never tried in your life. Well, if that's what 00:22:27.559 --> 00:22:30.099 you think, this is the first time I'm trying. 00:22:30.180 --> 00:22:32.079 I'm telling you that I'm trying, and I'm going 00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:34.579 to try and walk out that door. Back wise up. 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:36.880 Sure, you're always like this. No, no, come on. 00:22:36.940 --> 00:22:39.380 Help me fit these things in the suitcase. There's 00:22:39.380 --> 00:22:42.180 no suitcase. What? You'll be taking a suitcase 00:22:42.180 --> 00:22:45.390 with you. I'm talking metaphorically. Oh. Except 00:22:45.390 --> 00:22:47.750 the one that I'm packing to leave this house. 00:22:48.089 --> 00:22:49.549 Well, no, I thought you said there wasn't a suitcase. 00:22:49.910 --> 00:22:53.170 There is. It's full of my stuff, and I'm leaving 00:22:53.170 --> 00:22:55.670 you. But if you're only annoyed at me now, how 00:22:55.670 --> 00:22:57.950 have you already got a suitcase packed? Do you 00:22:57.950 --> 00:23:00.049 not really know about this? I have a ghost suitcase 00:23:00.049 --> 00:23:03.589 ready at any time if I want to dissolve our marriage, 00:23:03.690 --> 00:23:06.950 and that is now. You're pulling the ripcord. 00:23:07.170 --> 00:23:09.529 I'm pulling the ripcord. I've got the priest 00:23:09.529 --> 00:23:12.970 on speed dial. It's all sorted out. You're not 00:23:12.970 --> 00:23:16.500 taking the bearer bonds? Those are mine. My father 00:23:16.500 --> 00:23:19.880 gave us those. Well, you can keep those. But 00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:21.519 they better not be in your go -bag. You open 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:23.559 that up right now. No, I won't. You open that 00:23:23.559 --> 00:23:25.720 up. I won't. It's private. Is this paracord? 00:23:25.940 --> 00:23:33.099 Don't pull that. Look, my panties are everywhere. 00:23:33.619 --> 00:23:36.039 I'm sorry. I didn't realise it would explode 00:23:36.039 --> 00:23:38.339 all over the place. Well, that's always been 00:23:38.339 --> 00:23:42.740 the problem, hasn't it? Now, I'm going to give 00:23:42.740 --> 00:23:46.730 you a kiss goodbye. And that'll be it. Wait, 00:23:46.750 --> 00:23:48.890 I want to get changed first. Oh, for fuck's sake. 00:23:56.990 --> 00:24:02.390 I'm Keith. And I'm Sharon. And we are just having 00:24:02.390 --> 00:24:04.849 a great time. I love this place so much. We're 00:24:04.849 --> 00:24:08.349 having a good time. We moved here on November 00:24:08.349 --> 00:24:14.109 2024. Right. And then a war broke out. Yeah. 00:24:14.170 --> 00:24:17.130 Little, little, little war. Yeah. Like, I just 00:24:17.130 --> 00:24:20.049 love everything here. It's wonderful. It's just, 00:24:20.069 --> 00:24:24.309 people are so kind. They're so easy to get along. 00:24:24.410 --> 00:24:26.430 They're super, super nice. And then just really, 00:24:26.569 --> 00:24:28.869 I haven't met anyone who isn't nice. The countryside, 00:24:29.130 --> 00:24:32.450 so green. It's just, everything's just great. 00:24:33.009 --> 00:24:34.690 Okay, so then this is the little thing about 00:24:34.690 --> 00:24:37.329 the war, which, you know, kind of doesn't really 00:24:37.329 --> 00:24:39.650 concern us, has nothing to do with us, right? 00:24:40.170 --> 00:24:42.789 Right. I mean, yeah. That's just between the 00:24:42.789 --> 00:24:44.990 people here, and we're just going to support 00:24:44.990 --> 00:24:48.670 them. Yeah, I'm kind of anti -war. You know, 00:24:48.690 --> 00:24:52.509 I like to say, I like anti -pasto, and I'm anti 00:24:52.509 --> 00:24:55.950 -war. Okay, a little joke. I like that. That's 00:24:55.950 --> 00:24:58.930 a good way to think of it. It's levity. It's 00:24:58.930 --> 00:25:01.950 light. And I think that should be our rule here. 00:25:02.029 --> 00:25:06.690 Let's support them with little tiny jokes. Oh, 00:25:06.690 --> 00:25:10.089 okay. Well, let's see. I know one about an Irish 00:25:10.089 --> 00:25:13.829 priest. No, no, let's not go there. Okay. I think 00:25:13.829 --> 00:25:15.990 we should go there. Because it's like, the punchline 00:25:15.990 --> 00:25:19.470 goes, ouch. Oh, that is fun. You know that one? 00:25:19.529 --> 00:25:22.029 Yeah. That is fun. I love that one. Yeah, that 00:25:22.029 --> 00:25:32.799 is very nice. I love it. I'm sorry to hear that 00:25:32.799 --> 00:25:34.940 it didn't work out. You know, it's non -transferable, 00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:38.480 but I can... It's still within the 10 years, 00:25:38.619 --> 00:25:44.220 so, yeah, I guess get your £450 back. Yeah, it's... 00:25:44.220 --> 00:25:46.099 I bought it without telling her. I thought it'd 00:25:46.099 --> 00:25:49.259 be a surprise. I knew it was going to come on 00:25:49.259 --> 00:25:51.799 strong at the time, but I thought it would go 00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:53.559 for better than it did. It happens more than 00:25:53.559 --> 00:25:56.960 you think. Like, it's sort of... 50 % of our 00:25:56.960 --> 00:26:00.420 business goes through, 50 % of it. It's all refunds. 00:26:00.730 --> 00:26:02.269 I would have been happier if he was having an 00:26:02.269 --> 00:26:06.049 affair, honestly. Oh, you are. This is your partner. 00:26:06.410 --> 00:26:09.490 Sorry, sorry. I don't think you mean that. No, 00:26:09.549 --> 00:26:13.250 I think I mean that. The idea that you're looking 00:26:13.250 --> 00:26:17.289 at places to die? Not in a bad way. No offense, 00:26:17.490 --> 00:26:18.890 sir. I do it professionally. Yeah, well, you 00:26:18.890 --> 00:26:20.990 can't do ticket fence. Yeah, that's my profession, 00:26:21.170 --> 00:26:24.630 too. No, it's your profession. This is his hobby. 00:26:24.970 --> 00:26:28.710 No, I told you. I make most of my income by buying. 00:26:29.180 --> 00:26:32.339 Plots of land for cheap and selling it at a margin. 00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:35.339 Oh, wait, what? You were looking to... But this 00:26:35.339 --> 00:26:38.380 was non -transferable. This was a personal purchase. 00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:41.279 Hang on. That is why I was on the website. I 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:43.180 was looking... I think it was a personal purchase. 00:26:43.460 --> 00:26:45.680 I think you bought it for yourself and you didn't 00:26:45.680 --> 00:26:47.779 really factor me into it. I mean, you did because 00:26:47.779 --> 00:26:50.160 you had to put another name down. It was a couple's 00:26:50.160 --> 00:26:53.240 grave. I had a wee bit of wine. I thought, this 00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.559 will be romantic. It obviously wasn't. I'm sorry. 00:26:56.799 --> 00:26:58.500 It obviously wasn't. I'm sorry, guys. I'm just 00:26:58.500 --> 00:27:00.799 going to have to point to the sign. I know it's 00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:02.440 not refundable. I know it's not transferable. 00:27:02.500 --> 00:27:04.880 No, no, the other sign. No arguments. No, no. 00:27:04.960 --> 00:27:06.740 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. 00:27:07.259 --> 00:27:09.619 You know couples like massages? You can just 00:27:09.619 --> 00:27:11.160 go to that. You can book that and just be one 00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:12.859 person that turns up. It kind of sounds like 00:27:12.859 --> 00:27:15.640 you're starting an argument here again. I'm just 00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:17.680 letting you know some stuff. I'll also say just 00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:20.819 because I bought a grave doesn't mean I can't 00:27:20.819 --> 00:27:23.680 also go to a massage. This was just one gift. 00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:26.440 I thought we were in this for the long run. This 00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:28.480 wasn't going to be the only purchase I make in 00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:30.839 my life on this relationship. Would you like 00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:33.720 the refund in vouchers with our sister company? 00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:37.140 I'd rather have cash. Oh, okay. Don't even try 00:27:37.140 --> 00:27:39.940 this. All right. Not your first rodeo. No, no. 00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:45.069 Oh. What? Not your first rodeo. Well, yeah, we... 00:27:45.069 --> 00:27:48.130 I buy plots of land to be buried in... No, I 00:27:48.130 --> 00:27:50.750 understand that. You've made that abundantly 00:27:50.750 --> 00:27:52.910 clear. Well... But you bought this as a gift 00:27:52.910 --> 00:27:54.970 for a partner before? That's how you knew to 00:27:54.970 --> 00:27:57.549 look on Black Friday. That's why you were preloading 00:27:57.549 --> 00:27:59.509 it for Valentine's. Because you've done it with 00:27:59.509 --> 00:28:01.930 someone else before. It's not even special. It's 00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:04.849 just weird and not unique. And a reused plot 00:28:04.849 --> 00:28:06.849 and on the cheap. I'm sorry, but you know this 00:28:06.849 --> 00:28:09.250 isn't my first relationship. I've bought plots 00:28:09.250 --> 00:28:12.190 of land before, okay? It's not his first rodeo. 00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:14.930 I understand that. You're not helping, sir. You're 00:28:14.930 --> 00:28:16.710 not helping. You're not obeying the store rules 00:28:16.710 --> 00:28:18.609 here. You're also getting involved in this. Yeah, 00:28:18.630 --> 00:28:21.690 you started this. I didn't start this. He didn't 00:28:21.690 --> 00:28:22.890 start that. That's not fair. You bought a plot 00:28:22.890 --> 00:28:26.069 of land for a grave for your partner. I'm sure 00:28:26.069 --> 00:28:27.529 you've had a couple's massage before, right? 00:28:27.829 --> 00:28:29.769 I don't go, well, it's not special now because 00:28:29.769 --> 00:28:32.569 you've had one before. No, but you made a commitment 00:28:32.569 --> 00:28:34.950 till death do us part. And then I guess that 00:28:34.950 --> 00:28:38.009 intimidated you. I gave us a 10 year window to 00:28:38.009 --> 00:28:39.549 make that commitment. Oh my God. Are you going 00:28:39.549 --> 00:28:41.970 to tell me that? I'm saying you had a 10 year 00:28:41.970 --> 00:28:46.329 refund window with someone else. It's not even... 00:28:46.329 --> 00:28:49.769 It's not transferable. It's only with you. I'm 00:28:49.769 --> 00:28:52.450 sorry. Refund cancelled. You've broken the store 00:28:52.450 --> 00:28:56.400 policy. Please leave. No, listen. Thank you very 00:28:56.400 --> 00:28:57.880 much for your time. Are you telling me that by 00:28:57.880 --> 00:29:00.000 2035, you still don't know whether we're in this 00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:02.519 for the long haul? Oh, I know. You know what? 00:29:03.099 --> 00:29:05.680 We're angry. Let's cool down, and we'll have 00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:17.279 this discussion tomorrow. Hello, name's Turlock. 00:29:18.059 --> 00:29:21.099 Well, the war broke my frickin' heart, you know 00:29:21.099 --> 00:29:24.049 what I'm saying? This one time... So I was supposed 00:29:24.049 --> 00:29:27.190 to meet up with my girlfriend. She wasn't officially 00:29:27.190 --> 00:29:29.849 my girlfriend at the time. She didn't tell her 00:29:29.849 --> 00:29:31.910 family about us, but we were about to be boyfriend 00:29:31.910 --> 00:29:34.789 and girlfriend. And we were going to meet up 00:29:34.789 --> 00:29:37.130 and kill some people with bad morals with her 00:29:37.130 --> 00:29:40.650 family gun. And she showed up this day, and I'm 00:29:40.650 --> 00:29:43.109 waiting for her. Honestly, we were supposed to 00:29:43.109 --> 00:29:44.849 meet up at about half six, and she showed up 00:29:44.849 --> 00:29:47.250 at seven. So I'm already a bit pissed off that 00:29:47.250 --> 00:29:50.089 she's already showed up late to our date. And 00:29:50.089 --> 00:29:52.890 then she has to bring her little brother, Corey. 00:29:53.500 --> 00:29:55.940 And he's, like, I'm not going to lie, he has 00:29:55.940 --> 00:29:58.559 a moustache. And, I mean, I want to be friends 00:29:58.559 --> 00:30:01.000 with our family too, but why is he on our date? 00:30:01.319 --> 00:30:02.900 You know what I'm saying? So, there was a bit 00:30:02.900 --> 00:30:05.740 of tension there from even the get -go. And we 00:30:05.740 --> 00:30:07.579 tried to go and kill someone, but then our older 00:30:07.579 --> 00:30:10.359 brother had to take the gun. Like, after about 00:30:10.359 --> 00:30:13.819 45 minutes. For his own thing. And, because he 00:30:13.819 --> 00:30:15.759 was going to a cinema, but he was going to see 00:30:15.759 --> 00:30:17.519 a movie, but it was only a short film. He went 00:30:17.519 --> 00:30:18.920 to see it, and then he changed his mind and wanted 00:30:18.920 --> 00:30:21.440 to go back and do his own thing. I just... It 00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:23.400 was getting a bit too much for me. And I kind 00:30:23.400 --> 00:30:26.559 of shouted at her. And now, that was bad. I admit 00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:29.220 that. I admit that. It was kind of bad to shout 00:30:29.220 --> 00:30:32.619 at her. But, oh God. And then she left with her 00:30:32.619 --> 00:30:34.519 big brothers. Because her two brothers. Well, 00:30:34.519 --> 00:30:36.200 one of them is her younger brother. And one of 00:30:36.200 --> 00:30:38.400 them is her bigger brother. And they said, you're 00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:40.420 not speaking to our sister like this. Well, I 00:30:40.420 --> 00:30:42.960 mean, the older brother was very diplomatic about 00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:45.220 it. But the younger brother spoke with a weird 00:30:45.220 --> 00:30:47.720 accent. And he was very threatening to me. uh 00:30:47.720 --> 00:30:51.660 very uh possessive of his sister anyway it was 00:30:51.660 --> 00:30:54.140 she was crying so anyway then they went home 00:30:54.140 --> 00:30:57.259 and and anyway i haven't seen her since and i'm 00:30:57.259 --> 00:31:00.019 sorry you know what i'm saying like it was just 00:31:00.019 --> 00:31:02.599 a lot of stress during the war and they say like 00:31:02.599 --> 00:31:04.980 war is supposed to make like make you love someone 00:31:04.980 --> 00:31:07.619 more or something like that and it did it did 00:31:07.619 --> 00:31:10.960 like i did love her the more and i just want 00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:13.599 her back you know what i'm saying i just want 00:31:13.599 --> 00:31:17.839 her back my heart's broken for her And I just 00:31:17.839 --> 00:31:20.960 want her back and we don't kill anyone for our 00:31:20.960 --> 00:31:23.680 moral militia. Like, I'd follow her to the end 00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:25.839 of the earth, you know what I'm saying? But it's 00:31:25.839 --> 00:31:28.799 not right. It's not right. The war brings people 00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:31.460 apart. It pulls people apart. It was not right. 00:31:34.180 --> 00:31:36.859 I just don't understand why nobody's looting 00:31:36.859 --> 00:31:40.400 my store. Every other business owner on this 00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:43.660 strip has had their storefront smashed in and 00:31:43.660 --> 00:31:50.180 all the stock gutted. Why not mine? You have 00:31:50.180 --> 00:31:53.440 phone accessories for days in here. We've got 00:31:53.440 --> 00:31:56.640 the cutest crazy frog stickers, and it doesn't 00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:58.680 have to be used on your phone. You know, you 00:31:58.680 --> 00:32:01.319 can use it in the war. Stick it on your gun. 00:32:01.500 --> 00:32:05.180 Put it on your grenade before it blows up and 00:32:05.180 --> 00:32:18.730 make it fabulous. Day 35. A solo monologue as 00:32:18.730 --> 00:32:24.829 I wait for the action. Five years of stage combat 00:32:24.829 --> 00:32:29.589 yet to be put into action. And many more years 00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:33.609 of actual combat action yet to be put into action. 00:32:33.630 --> 00:32:39.470 But I wait like a viper, ready to strike downstage 00:32:39.470 --> 00:32:46.619 right. I yearn for war, but I also yearn for 00:32:46.619 --> 00:32:54.240 the end of war. For when the train falls, that 00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:59.519 is the only time we will be truly free of this. 00:33:00.680 --> 00:33:05.880 I would like to take center stage, but I believe 00:33:05.880 --> 00:33:09.279 I am more important to these people as a mythological 00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:12.890 type figure to get them through. These tough 00:33:12.890 --> 00:33:22.589 times. Ah, how I miss my little protégés. I think 00:33:22.589 --> 00:33:25.710 about what they would be doing right now. Probably 00:33:25.710 --> 00:33:30.289 infesting some sort of badger hole, ready to 00:33:30.289 --> 00:33:35.069 strike the enemy once they go past. I imagine 00:33:35.069 --> 00:33:40.049 all -out guerrilla warfare for them. I've taught 00:33:40.049 --> 00:33:46.750 them well. And they have taught me how important 00:33:46.750 --> 00:33:54.230 I am to them. Yes, a shaft of light enters my 00:33:54.230 --> 00:33:59.509 cave from where I have taken a position. I can 00:33:59.509 --> 00:34:04.410 hear the cries of war, as if to be supported 00:34:04.410 --> 00:34:09.530 by a Greek chorus in all of this. A Greek tragedy. 00:34:15.100 --> 00:34:21.019 Yes. Yes. Once the war is over, though, they 00:34:21.019 --> 00:34:26.139 will see me make a marvelous return to the stage. 00:34:26.460 --> 00:34:29.139 This has filled me with a new passion, indeed, 00:34:29.320 --> 00:34:33.460 a passion for life and a strange passion for 00:34:33.460 --> 00:34:38.500 death, which will only improve future performances. 00:34:40.139 --> 00:34:42.519 I believe this has been an important time for 00:34:42.519 --> 00:34:53.480 me to do some self -reflecting. To be or not 00:34:53.480 --> 00:35:01.460 to be, that is what war is all about. I did kill 00:35:01.460 --> 00:35:06.179 at the start of this war. Kill my ambitions of 00:35:06.179 --> 00:35:10.139 ever coming back to the stage. What if it never 00:35:10.139 --> 00:35:14.380 ended, this ongoing war? The train never falls, 00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:17.420 the curtain never falls on another one of my 00:35:17.420 --> 00:35:22.980 performances. I was not to know how I would return 00:35:22.980 --> 00:35:28.139 from this. A changed man. Yes, but not in the 00:35:28.139 --> 00:35:30.920 way that I thought. I have returned with a passion. 00:35:32.940 --> 00:35:35.820 I have come up with a one -man play in my mind. 00:35:37.900 --> 00:35:43.380 The Marzipan Diaries. Strange to be playing myself, 00:35:43.599 --> 00:35:49.739 but a different form of me. An exaggerated character. 00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:54.780 I'm sure the people would be ready for this. 00:35:54.840 --> 00:35:57.440 After times of war, it is nice to indulge in 00:35:57.440 --> 00:36:02.199 various activities and entertainments to take 00:36:02.199 --> 00:36:10.760 the mind off the horrors. My rations run low. 00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:19.980 My body has been changed by the experience. But 00:36:19.980 --> 00:36:24.559 I believe I can take a new form on stage. I'm 00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:28.340 excited. The lights go up. I am totally naked. 00:36:29.019 --> 00:36:37.179 Center stage. Our trumpet sounds. Sad and mournful. 00:36:38.829 --> 00:36:47.449 A fanfare for the dawn of a new day, the beginning 00:36:47.449 --> 00:36:56.630 of a violence. I turn to face the audience. Some 00:36:56.630 --> 00:37:00.610 people look away, some people watch on in horror, 00:37:00.829 --> 00:37:09.510 disgust, and in curiosity. Smoke fills the stage. 00:37:11.530 --> 00:37:17.050 I remark on this. Ah, though the stage may be 00:37:17.050 --> 00:37:20.469 cloudy to an actor, my mind is clearer now than 00:37:20.469 --> 00:37:27.570 ever before. Gunshot, gunshot, gunshot. I stand 00:37:27.570 --> 00:37:36.340 there, unmoved by the sounds of war. Previously, 00:37:36.340 --> 00:37:41.380 I would have rung for cover, but now... Now I 00:37:41.380 --> 00:37:46.599 am a changed man, and it does not move me. That's 00:37:46.599 --> 00:37:52.780 about as far as I've gotten, but it's a... It's 00:37:52.780 --> 00:37:58.260 a splendor for the senses. And yes, I hope the 00:37:58.260 --> 00:38:00.360 war continues for a while so I can keep working 00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:19.210 on this, but I'll see how this goes. wanted to 00:38:19.210 --> 00:38:23.389 ride a bicycle. I wanted to know how to ride 00:38:23.389 --> 00:38:28.269 it, and I just couldn't. Every time I sat on 00:38:28.269 --> 00:38:33.389 one, I fell off it. You know, I just dropped 00:38:33.389 --> 00:38:37.829 off that thing, and I banged my wee hip, and 00:38:37.829 --> 00:38:43.730 it was so painful. So, as any normal person would 00:38:43.730 --> 00:38:48.199 do, I started looking in. To the mythologies 00:38:48.199 --> 00:38:50.619 of the world for things that it grant wishes. 00:38:51.179 --> 00:38:57.019 You know, like genies. Or djinn, as certain cultures 00:38:57.019 --> 00:39:02.800 call them. And it came upon the story of the 00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:06.980 devil and the crossroads. So, the devil would 00:39:06.980 --> 00:39:10.519 show up at the crossroads somewhere in America. 00:39:11.119 --> 00:39:17.920 And he'd grant you any wish you want. in exchange 00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:23.639 for your immortal soul. Now, I want to ride a 00:39:23.639 --> 00:39:26.960 bike like you wouldn't believe, but I feel like 00:39:26.960 --> 00:39:33.019 your immortal soul is maybe a bit much for just 00:39:33.019 --> 00:39:38.099 gaining a new method of transportation. But when 00:39:38.099 --> 00:39:42.139 the war kicked off, bombs were going off left, 00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:46.260 right and centre. And there was a big old explosion 00:39:46.260 --> 00:39:52.099 down in the centre of town. And it carved a mighty 00:39:52.099 --> 00:39:56.460 crevasse into the earth. Now, I don't think it 00:39:56.460 --> 00:39:59.800 got all the way down to hell. But some stuff 00:39:59.800 --> 00:40:02.719 started coming out. And it wasn't a crossroads. 00:40:02.739 --> 00:40:06.360 It was just like a T -junction. You know, it 00:40:06.360 --> 00:40:10.059 was just a little intersection. So I started 00:40:10.059 --> 00:40:14.789 waiting. Waiting there every night. Hoping something 00:40:14.789 --> 00:40:19.269 would come out. And I think it was someone from 00:40:19.269 --> 00:40:23.230 one of the lower pantheons. You know, like maybe 00:40:23.230 --> 00:40:27.590 Paimon or someone. And he didn't want my soul. 00:40:27.869 --> 00:40:31.829 I said, I want to ride a bike. And he said, no, 00:40:31.989 --> 00:40:35.929 no, no, I don't need your soul. Just give me 00:40:35.929 --> 00:40:40.650 your general sense of self -worth. And I said, 00:40:40.769 --> 00:40:44.559 you know what? I think I could. I think I could 00:40:44.559 --> 00:40:50.199 earn that back just by doing some cycling. So 00:40:50.199 --> 00:40:52.860 I gave him a sense of self -worth. You know how 00:40:52.860 --> 00:40:58.079 it is. But I've been shaving time off all my 00:40:58.079 --> 00:41:05.579 trips to the shops. So I can't complain. The 00:41:05.579 --> 00:41:10.460 worst thing about this whole war is that five 00:41:10.460 --> 00:41:12.960 penny sweets that I used to get from tuck shop. 00:41:13.440 --> 00:41:17.280 They went up to 5p. As you know, inflation, things 00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:20.079 happening. You know, I can't stop the economy, 00:41:20.239 --> 00:41:23.639 especially during wartime. But now wartime, earring 00:41:23.639 --> 00:41:27.099 suites have gone back down to 1p. I don't have 00:41:27.099 --> 00:41:30.780 1p. I've got 5ps. I've got a monopoly in 5ps. 00:41:30.920 --> 00:41:35.059 I don't have 1p. What am I meant to do? If I 00:41:35.059 --> 00:41:36.960 want to go to the tuck shop and get one suite, 00:41:37.159 --> 00:41:40.559 what, I have to buy five? I'm on a diet. It's 00:41:40.559 --> 00:41:44.159 not fair. War has ruined this country, and I 00:41:44.159 --> 00:41:57.179 won't be happy until the train falls. Hey, just 00:41:57.179 --> 00:41:59.300 collecting donations. Yeah, you can have the 00:41:59.300 --> 00:42:02.019 grave. You can have the fucking grave. Don't 00:42:02.019 --> 00:42:04.659 need a double grave. I thought it was non -transferable. 00:42:05.099 --> 00:42:09.119 Just change the name of whoever dies. I'm going 00:42:09.119 --> 00:42:11.800 to happily fake my own death at this point. Okay. 00:42:11.880 --> 00:42:15.360 Thank you very much. Very generous. Very generous. 00:42:15.739 --> 00:42:17.739 You had said you'd separate it from your wife? 00:42:18.159 --> 00:42:28.320 Yeah. Interesting. Wow. I just wanted to get 00:42:28.320 --> 00:42:32.159 me turnips because it was turnip wrapping and 00:42:32.159 --> 00:42:36.139 seeds and that four months ago. Me feet is full 00:42:36.139 --> 00:42:40.019 of bloody IEDs now, and I can't get them, and 00:42:40.019 --> 00:42:42.659 they're going to be far past done. It's like 00:42:42.659 --> 00:42:45.320 when you put your smileys in the oven for too 00:42:45.320 --> 00:42:49.000 long, and then they're all burnt. Well, I hope 00:42:49.000 --> 00:42:56.820 they'll be able to get them. Well, I'm kind of 00:42:56.820 --> 00:43:00.179 upset. I thought we told you to be home at 10. 00:43:00.340 --> 00:43:03.480 Yeah, we said 10. But Mom, Dad, it's martial 00:43:03.480 --> 00:43:06.650 law. Yeah, exactly. It's martial law. Like, you 00:43:06.650 --> 00:43:08.469 want to get shot? You know, do you want to survive 00:43:08.469 --> 00:43:11.030 this war? Well, I was hanging out with all the 00:43:11.030 --> 00:43:14.429 marshals. I don't like those boys. There's a 00:43:14.429 --> 00:43:16.449 lot of marshals. I don't like those boys very 00:43:16.449 --> 00:43:18.570 much. There's a lot of them. But martial law 00:43:18.570 --> 00:43:20.849 means I can have sex with any marshal that I 00:43:20.849 --> 00:43:22.989 want to. Honey, that's... You know how I feel 00:43:22.989 --> 00:43:25.809 about sex. Well, all the marshals seem okay with 00:43:25.809 --> 00:43:29.219 it. Your mom and I both are very sex positive. 00:43:29.519 --> 00:43:31.559 Very. Very. Very, very sex positive. We have 00:43:31.559 --> 00:43:34.480 lots of sex. Yeah. We talk about it a lot. And 00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:36.619 we want you to have sex too, but not in Ireland. 00:43:36.659 --> 00:43:39.400 So you guys can have sex all you want, all day, 00:43:39.420 --> 00:43:42.900 every day, which I hear, thank you, but I can't 00:43:42.900 --> 00:43:45.380 have sex with the marshals? Mom. Hearing martial 00:43:45.380 --> 00:43:48.570 law? Well, when... I mean, when a mommy and daddy 00:43:48.570 --> 00:43:51.309 or a mommy and mommy or a daddy and daddy love 00:43:51.309 --> 00:43:53.690 each other a lot, then they can have sex with 00:43:53.690 --> 00:43:55.829 each other in a really sweet way. I love everyone. 00:43:56.650 --> 00:43:59.050 You've always taught me to love everyone and 00:43:59.050 --> 00:44:03.090 be loving. And that's what I'm doing with the 00:44:03.090 --> 00:44:06.530 Marshalls. Well, and we want you to love them 00:44:06.530 --> 00:44:10.130 a lot, just not in a sexual way just yet. We 00:44:10.130 --> 00:44:12.730 love you a lot because we have lots of love for 00:44:12.730 --> 00:44:13.909 the world, too. We have a lot of love for it. 00:44:13.969 --> 00:44:16.750 We love you more than anyone in this world. whether 00:44:16.750 --> 00:44:20.230 it's martial law or not. The law says that you 00:44:20.230 --> 00:44:22.610 can have sex with anyone named Marshall, and 00:44:22.610 --> 00:44:26.550 it's not my fault that most of the boys around 00:44:26.550 --> 00:44:29.230 here are named Marshall. Damn it, why are there 00:44:29.230 --> 00:44:31.869 so many Marshalls around? I'm also just trying 00:44:31.869 --> 00:44:34.130 to be a patriot. I guess she's right. I mean... 00:44:34.429 --> 00:44:37.469 I guess she's right. She kind of has a point. 00:44:37.489 --> 00:44:38.869 She does have a really good point. She kind of 00:44:38.869 --> 00:44:41.090 has a point. It's her duty to have sex with all 00:44:41.090 --> 00:44:43.610 of the marshals. Yeah. That's what martial law 00:44:43.610 --> 00:44:47.530 maybe means, kind of. Yeah. Okay. Well, then, 00:44:47.590 --> 00:44:51.789 I guess go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Just watch for 00:44:51.789 --> 00:44:55.309 the snipers. Serpentine. And keep your head down 00:44:55.309 --> 00:44:58.449 when you're giving oral or receiving oral sex. 00:44:58.750 --> 00:45:02.789 Right. Yeah. Head down. Head down. Got it. Thanks, 00:45:02.849 --> 00:45:15.480 Dad. We love you, honey. Well, I have to say, 00:45:15.579 --> 00:45:18.179 you're some puff with thorn grappling hook, Billy. 00:45:18.440 --> 00:45:20.920 Thanks, boss. I can't believe you got it right 00:45:20.920 --> 00:45:23.260 up and over the train. I was about to, I swear. 00:45:23.619 --> 00:45:26.579 So, what have I done here? I've got all the gear, 00:45:26.739 --> 00:45:29.139 I've opened up the doors, and I've hooked thorn 00:45:29.139 --> 00:45:32.199 blankets outside, like sails. It looks incredible. 00:45:32.400 --> 00:45:35.659 Like seals, Billy. The places will go. Oh, it's 00:45:35.659 --> 00:45:37.400 going to be amazing. Should I come up? No, you 00:45:37.400 --> 00:45:39.139 can't come up. Now, I don't know if the rope 00:45:39.139 --> 00:45:42.260 is as secure now that I've gotten up here. I 00:45:42.260 --> 00:45:44.900 don't want you risking anything. Are you sure? 00:45:45.300 --> 00:45:50.480 We've come so far, Billy. So what I'll do, I'm 00:45:50.480 --> 00:45:53.559 going to tie that harness on and I'll lower it 00:45:53.559 --> 00:45:56.460 back down. And then I'll pull you up. Just secure 00:45:56.460 --> 00:45:59.079 it and we'll be fine. Right. Just give me a wee 00:45:59.079 --> 00:46:11.139 minute. Sounds good. What do you mean, you've 00:46:11.139 --> 00:46:15.400 got a grave? We need cash. We also need a place 00:46:15.400 --> 00:46:17.579 to put the bodies. We can't just keep leaving 00:46:17.579 --> 00:46:20.320 them in the streets. No, we can't just keep accepting 00:46:20.320 --> 00:46:24.820 random gifts. Sir, I asked for donations. Yes, 00:46:24.840 --> 00:46:27.039 I know, but the donations are supposed to be 00:46:27.039 --> 00:46:29.699 in cash. A lot of people, it's hard to come by 00:46:29.699 --> 00:46:32.860 cash in a war, sir. I've been taking knickknacks. 00:46:32.860 --> 00:46:36.130 I've been taking other things. I know. I know, 00:46:36.210 --> 00:46:40.210 the store, the armory is full of your shit. It's 00:46:40.210 --> 00:46:43.429 not my shit, it's the war effort's shit. What 00:46:43.429 --> 00:46:45.989 are we going to do with a paddling pool, a jacuzzi? 00:46:45.989 --> 00:46:50.369 There's two water holding devices. I'm sorry, 00:46:50.469 --> 00:46:52.489 isn't there a river? We can put them in the river, 00:46:52.510 --> 00:46:55.010 we can get to the other side. No, the river is... 00:46:55.010 --> 00:46:57.510 I think that's how a paddling pool works. No, 00:46:57.610 --> 00:46:59.769 that's not... You're going to tell me you're 00:46:59.769 --> 00:47:01.570 not going to find a use for that Barney outfit? 00:47:01.730 --> 00:47:04.510 I bet you it can hold some bullets before it 00:47:04.510 --> 00:47:06.429 would touch a human body. Do you know what else 00:47:06.429 --> 00:47:09.530 holds bullets? Magazines. That's what we need. 00:47:09.750 --> 00:47:11.670 No, I'm saying it would be... If I was wearing 00:47:11.670 --> 00:47:14.369 a Barney suit, I would be somewhat protected, 00:47:14.650 --> 00:47:18.849 I think. Do you know what? You take the Barney 00:47:18.849 --> 00:47:21.409 suit and we can put you on the front lines and 00:47:21.409 --> 00:47:23.289 we'll get someone else to do the donations. I'm 00:47:23.289 --> 00:47:27.130 a donations man. I'm good and proper. I don't 00:47:27.130 --> 00:47:28.789 know if I've told you, I am collecting for both 00:47:28.789 --> 00:47:31.030 sides. You do know that, right? What? I'm collecting 00:47:31.030 --> 00:47:33.710 for both sides. I do you one day, and then I 00:47:33.710 --> 00:47:35.710 do the civilians on another day. You're collecting 00:47:35.710 --> 00:47:39.030 for the revolution? Of course, yeah. For the 00:47:39.030 --> 00:47:42.050 militia? Yeah, somebody has to. I could give 00:47:42.050 --> 00:47:46.130 them the shit you don't want. Put the Barney 00:47:46.130 --> 00:47:50.170 suit on. Come and meet me around the alleyway. 00:47:50.309 --> 00:47:58.840 Okay. I'll see you in five minutes. Okay. Honestly, 00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:03.440 would you just shut the fuck up? I was fine when 00:48:03.440 --> 00:48:06.559 you set up camp right beside my house. But I 00:48:06.559 --> 00:48:09.559 have had to listen to your incessant dooty -looty 00:48:09.559 --> 00:48:13.820 -looty -doos for four fucking months now. Just 00:48:13.820 --> 00:48:19.219 learn a new song, you pack of bastards. What 00:48:19.219 --> 00:48:20.460 are you looking at? You want me to come down 00:48:20.460 --> 00:48:22.360 there and kick your ass? I'll stick that tin 00:48:22.360 --> 00:48:24.099 whistle so far up your hole you'll be making 00:48:24.099 --> 00:48:26.940 sweet melodies when you shite. At least that'll 00:48:26.940 --> 00:48:32.460 be something new. Oh, you're in for it now. Jimmy, 00:48:32.619 --> 00:48:46.159 get my heart. Billy. Yeah, Morris. The blankets 00:48:46.159 --> 00:48:48.059 are catching the wind. No, no, no. She's getting 00:48:48.059 --> 00:48:49.820 away from me. No, come on, you can do it. She's 00:48:49.820 --> 00:48:52.780 getting away from me, Billy. No. I can't stop 00:48:52.780 --> 00:48:57.440 her. Billy, no. Morris, don't leave me. Curse 00:48:57.440 --> 00:49:11.780 this infernal engine! Believe me! Just like that. 00:49:12.340 --> 00:49:18.639 As quickly as the war started, it ended. The 00:49:18.639 --> 00:49:24.360 train never fell. One day, it just disappeared. 00:49:25.840 --> 00:49:29.340 Where it went became the subject of rumours and 00:49:29.340 --> 00:49:33.460 legend. And even when we tried to show the townsfolk 00:49:33.460 --> 00:49:36.280 the clips from our documentary, which clearly 00:49:36.280 --> 00:49:40.960 explained where it went, they simply refused 00:49:40.960 --> 00:49:46.380 to believe. Perhaps they needed that, that bit 00:49:46.380 --> 00:49:50.679 of magic to move on with their lives. Some of 00:49:50.679 --> 00:49:54.179 them have already begun to act like it never 00:49:54.179 --> 00:49:58.789 even happened. The mayor, still in charge of 00:49:58.789 --> 00:50:01.889 the town, found a man hiding in his secret bunker 00:50:01.889 --> 00:50:04.190 who was wanting to bring the town fair back. 00:50:04.630 --> 00:50:07.949 And just like that, he had moved on to planning 00:50:07.949 --> 00:50:13.050 his next big event. The townspeople? The survivors 00:50:13.050 --> 00:50:17.210 of a four -month war? How are the families, torn 00:50:17.210 --> 00:50:20.429 apart, the ruined friendships, the irreparable 00:50:20.429 --> 00:50:24.829 damage to the town? Well, either through a shared 00:50:24.829 --> 00:50:29.289 delusion, Or some sort of mass hypnosis or hysteria. 00:50:29.869 --> 00:50:38.710 They act like it never happened at all. Hello? 00:50:39.150 --> 00:50:44.409 Here? Are you mad? No. That was just a wee scuffle. 00:50:44.710 --> 00:50:50.630 A wee bit of a laugh. I'm starting a GoFundMe 00:50:50.630 --> 00:50:54.269 page for my fence. Can anyone help me save my 00:50:54.269 --> 00:50:58.480 fence? Because she's broken. Buffett, she's broken. 00:51:00.420 --> 00:51:04.179 Have you seen Dave? He was supposed to babysit 00:51:04.179 --> 00:51:08.219 my kids last night, but he didn't show up. Have 00:51:08.219 --> 00:51:13.960 you seen Dave? Aye, so, Principal Brown's lovely, 00:51:14.099 --> 00:51:16.880 lovely coat was, uh, it was just a critical doll 00:51:16.880 --> 00:51:19.440 and a smooch, because the cage he performed as 00:51:19.440 --> 00:51:23.500 me, uh, I didn't have the dexterity and the limberness 00:51:23.500 --> 00:51:26.289 needed for the role. But the kid they find, God, 00:51:26.429 --> 00:51:29.170 this kid was a star in the making. Or maybe the 00:51:29.170 --> 00:51:31.530 character was just a star. It was hard to say. 00:51:31.590 --> 00:51:33.150 Maybe it was just a wonderfully, wonderfully 00:51:33.150 --> 00:51:36.250 written character, you know? But this kid was 00:51:36.250 --> 00:51:40.530 phenomenal. And I just, he got to star in The 00:51:40.530 --> 00:51:44.230 King and I. And he just, he wasn't believable, 00:51:44.309 --> 00:51:46.469 you know? And it's unfortunate. He was a one 00:51:46.469 --> 00:51:48.769 -hit wonder, but not. Principal Brian's Lovely, 00:51:48.909 --> 00:51:51.489 Lovely Coat. Oh, what can I say? I might, you 00:51:51.489 --> 00:51:53.150 know what? You've given me a thought. I might 00:51:53.150 --> 00:51:55.050 try and make that a school musical, you know, 00:51:55.050 --> 00:51:57.110 in Christmas time or something. I think that 00:51:57.110 --> 00:51:59.289 would be good for the folk to see that again. 00:51:59.409 --> 00:52:01.110 Because, oh, it was just, as you say, it was 00:52:01.110 --> 00:52:03.289 a wonderful show. And, you know, oh, maybe this 00:52:03.289 --> 00:52:07.150 time, maybe this time, should I? Should I try 00:52:07.150 --> 00:52:10.070 it? You know, we'll have it in auditions. But, 00:52:10.130 --> 00:52:12.650 oh, maybe it's a part two. Maybe it's just a 00:52:12.650 --> 00:52:14.250 part two for Principal Brian's Lovely, Lovely 00:52:14.250 --> 00:52:17.139 Coat. Maybe he's got lovely, lovely shoes this 00:52:17.139 --> 00:52:20.400 time. Or, or, oh, what's the coat? An inside 00:52:20.400 --> 00:52:23.639 -out coat all that time. Oh, Principal Brown's 00:52:23.639 --> 00:52:27.420 lovely, lovely inside coat out too. Oh, that 00:52:27.420 --> 00:52:29.360 could be very exciting. Oh, I'm going to have 00:52:29.360 --> 00:52:37.000 to brainstorm this. You just listened to part 00:52:37.000 --> 00:52:40.500 five of the four -part miniseries, The Scuffles. 00:52:42.300 --> 00:52:45.590 Thank you for tuning in. And be sure to check 00:52:45.590 --> 00:52:49.230 out our next documentary, the subject of which, 00:52:49.409 --> 00:52:54.530 one of Ireland's most curious cryptids, Clothed 00:52:54.530 --> 00:53:03.090 Joe. As always, I've been Clumber Domperdo. I 00:53:03.090 --> 00:53:10.489 never gave him a name. Clumber Domperdo. Oh, 00:53:10.489 --> 00:53:14.949 Jesus Christ. Is that who I am? My clumber -dumber 00:53:14.949 --> 00:53:21.809 -doo? Clumber -dumber -doo. Clumber -dumber -doo. 00:53:21.929 --> 00:53:35.110 Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, that's that. No, I'm 00:53:35.110 --> 00:53:38.090 doing better, Bob. Yeah, no, I am. I know it's... 00:53:38.090 --> 00:53:42.610 He didn't have a choice. I know he wouldn't have 00:53:42.610 --> 00:53:46.480 left if... I know he tried everything. I just 00:53:46.480 --> 00:53:49.039 hope wherever he is that he's okay, you know? 00:53:49.699 --> 00:53:53.199 I hope he's out there in some distant land just 00:53:53.199 --> 00:53:57.260 living his best life. You know, Mom? Just like 00:53:57.260 --> 00:54:00.579 all the dreams we had, we were going to scale 00:54:00.579 --> 00:54:02.760 it. We were going to travel the world, you know? 00:54:02.780 --> 00:54:05.219 We were going to just see it all. See it all 00:54:05.219 --> 00:54:11.280 just together like we always wanted. No, I'm 00:54:11.280 --> 00:54:13.829 doing okay. I'm doing okay. I just... I just... 00:54:13.829 --> 00:54:24.469 I just miss him. I just miss him. What is it? 00:54:24.630 --> 00:54:28.750 What is it? What is it? Who's there? Who's there? 00:54:28.869 --> 00:54:33.070 Show yourself. Bully! Who's there? Bully! Boris? 00:54:34.190 --> 00:54:42.750 Look up! Boris! Boris! You didn't think I'd leave 00:54:42.750 --> 00:55:08.590 you behind, did you? Hello. We did it. That's 00:55:08.590 --> 00:55:12.619 the first ever miniseries complete. done. Finistoed. 00:55:13.119 --> 00:55:16.019 All five parts of the four -part miniseries are 00:55:16.019 --> 00:55:19.880 now complete. That has well and truly kicked 00:55:19.880 --> 00:55:23.019 off season three for us now here. So now we're 00:55:23.019 --> 00:55:24.920 going back to your regularly scheduled Dumbrag. 00:55:25.340 --> 00:55:28.599 Although I say regularly scheduled is entirely 00:55:28.599 --> 00:55:32.119 incorrect because specifically the word scheduled 00:55:32.119 --> 00:55:34.719 because the schedule is changing. I'll be moving 00:55:34.719 --> 00:55:37.719 to fortnightly releases so the next episode will 00:55:37.719 --> 00:55:40.860 be out on what is that the 17th? of June, and 00:55:40.860 --> 00:55:43.360 then after that, it'll be the first of July. 00:55:43.539 --> 00:55:45.260 You know, you know, you know how fortnights work. 00:55:45.400 --> 00:55:48.400 Every other Tuesday, every second Tuesday, we 00:55:48.400 --> 00:55:50.699 will be doing a little Dumb Bracken episode. 00:55:51.179 --> 00:55:53.619 Hey, Butch, you were pronounced, you were pronounced, 00:55:53.800 --> 00:55:56.480 you were promised some big announcements. Ah, 00:55:56.559 --> 00:55:59.079 I see what I did there. Portmanteau to that word. 00:55:59.219 --> 00:56:03.500 Anyway, you were pronounced to be getting some 00:56:03.500 --> 00:56:05.880 big announcements, the first of which, the big 00:56:05.880 --> 00:56:08.469 one. Is that for the first time ever we're doing 00:56:08.469 --> 00:56:11.389 a live show. So we're going to do a live version 00:56:11.389 --> 00:56:14.750 of the podcast. On Saturday the 28th of June. 00:56:15.010 --> 00:56:18.010 Back to Dumb Bracken Live. It's happening. And 00:56:18.010 --> 00:56:20.429 it's occurring in Belfast in the Accidental Theatre. 00:56:21.550 --> 00:56:24.769 And that's crazy. This will be a one night thing. 00:56:25.010 --> 00:56:28.769 And for a lot of you who don't exist in Belfast, 00:56:28.769 --> 00:56:31.329 Northern Ireland. The show is going to be live 00:56:31.329 --> 00:56:34.409 streamed as well. So for wherever you are in 00:56:34.409 --> 00:56:37.789 the world. You can watch it in person or online 00:56:37.789 --> 00:56:40.130 behind someone's sofa. They don't even need to 00:56:40.130 --> 00:56:42.250 know you're there. Are they watching it too? 00:56:42.349 --> 00:56:44.889 Or are you behind their sofa with a little iPad? 00:56:45.170 --> 00:56:47.389 Ooh, it's so exciting. I can't wait to see what 00:56:47.389 --> 00:56:50.489 you do. I think it's going to be absolute carnage. 00:56:50.650 --> 00:56:53.210 I have a lot of great, I mean, a lot of the people 00:56:53.210 --> 00:56:55.769 that you know and love, the voices and characters 00:56:55.769 --> 00:56:57.909 will be returning. We'll also get a bunch of 00:56:57.909 --> 00:56:59.429 new ones. So it's going to be a bunch of scenes 00:56:59.429 --> 00:57:01.230 and silly stuff. You know, it's going to be the 00:57:01.230 --> 00:57:05.150 classic podcast, but live. I'm also very excited 00:57:05.150 --> 00:57:06.809 because the second half of the show is going 00:57:06.809 --> 00:57:10.449 to be Dunbracken the Musical. The opening and 00:57:10.449 --> 00:57:13.409 closing night of Dunbracken the Musical. That's 00:57:13.409 --> 00:57:15.849 two shows in one. You get a normal 50 minute 00:57:15.849 --> 00:57:17.849 episode of Dunbracken and then you get a brand 00:57:17.849 --> 00:57:20.869 new musical. God, we're treating you well. And 00:57:20.869 --> 00:57:23.510 you can watch it online. Also, for those of you 00:57:23.510 --> 00:57:25.829 who can't make it, can't watch it online, it's 00:57:25.829 --> 00:57:27.929 going to be available on demand for like a week. 00:57:27.969 --> 00:57:29.849 So you can buy a ticket to watch it on demand 00:57:29.849 --> 00:57:32.340 for about a week or so. Which is pretty awesome 00:57:32.340 --> 00:57:34.260 too, and I'm very pleased that we've got the 00:57:34.260 --> 00:57:36.860 chance to do that. So if that interests you, 00:57:37.000 --> 00:57:39.900 tickets are available at accidentaltheatre .co 00:57:39.900 --> 00:57:44.980 .uk. That's accidentaltheatre .co .uk. There's 00:57:44.980 --> 00:57:47.280 also a link in the show notes if that's handier, 00:57:47.360 --> 00:57:49.239 and of course that's much handier than trying 00:57:49.239 --> 00:57:55.260 to parse out my cruelly enunciated words. Anyway, 00:57:55.320 --> 00:57:58.079 yes, I think that's it. Saturday the 28th of 00:57:58.079 --> 00:58:01.500 June at Accidental Theatre in Belfast. to Bracken's 00:58:01.500 --> 00:58:08.179 first ever live show. But until Tuesday the 17th, 00:58:08.179 --> 00:58:11.659 that is where I leave you. Good day. Good day. 00:58:11.739 --> 00:58:15.900 Goodbye. Good -da -bye. I'm leaving now. I'm 00:58:15.900 --> 00:58:20.480 ending this recording. I hit the wrong button.