Dear Roberta, long -time reader, first -time
writer, I'm coming to you for advice. You see,
I work as a potter. Recently, at the studio,
I have reason to believe that one of my colleagues
is putting explosives in the kiln. Anytime I
fire one of my pieces, no matter how long I've
worked on it, when I take it out, it has completely
shattered. Roberta, it's completely irreparable.
And I think one of my colleagues is to blame.
Why would you suggest that I go about accusing...
who I think is responsible for this crime against
my ceramics. Much love, Olivia. Thank you, folks.
You heard from Olivia there. And it's important
that we all look after things. So I brought in
a demolitions expert today. just for this and
all the other calls today focused on demolitions
so it's important that we get to the bottom of
this because we i think you would say that this
is a serious thing wouldn't you well i mean assuming
it's true yes i would say it's a very serious
you're doubting the authenticity of olivia's
letter it just sounds like she's bad it's uh
pottery wow interesting sometimes as in pottery
as in construction sometimes when things collapse
it's not due to uh demolition expert who's frustrated
he didn't get his payments sometimes wow it is
shoddy workmanship shoddy workmanship wow that
is a bold claim you're willing to stake your
reputation on outing olivia as a dirty rotten
liar one of my good listeners well this is one
potential theory but yes i am willing to stake
my reputation on it and in fact i'm if she's
unhappy with it i'll fight her wow these are
i mean quite literally fighting words tune in
Fly to this evening to see if we can get a rebuttal.
I was out the other day and I said to myself,
you know what I really like? A soft scoop of
ice cream. And it's hard to beat them from the
van, you know? And I heard the music and I thought,
right, I'm going to treat myself. And, you know,
I don't watch the TV. I don't know what's going
on or what's happening in the world. And I thought,
well, there's... Quite a lot of fire about and
there's quite a lot of punch in here. So I go
on my ice cream and I just had a wee look and
I just thought, right, this is kicking off pretty
bad. Might as well have a wee walk about. You
know, what a lovely day. It was always a wonder
day. Apart from obviously, you know, all the
fighting. But I came across a shop that I love.
I love dearly. I try and go visit once a week.
Far too expensive though, far too expensive.
Lovely stuff in it though. Great for inspiration
for the house, you know. And, you know, the main
window was broken. And I saw some fringing that
I've had my eye on for about a month, right?
This beautiful mauve fringing that you can get.
And I thought, you know what? That would look
lovely on my vintage lamp. Now, I'm against looting.
You know, I don't think it's very kind to be,
you know, stealing or looting from local business.
But this was just on the floor. You know, this
was just on the street. So who knows if it was
actually from this lovely shop? Who knows? I
hope everything gets sorted, but I had a nice
wee day out now. At least it was something a
bit interesting and it's good to get out of the
house. What you're hearing right now are the
stories of the people living in one of the worst
conflicts of the current period of time that
we ourselves exist in. On the small landlocked
beachfront isle of Dunbracken, we asked the townsfolk
who have been going through a horrid four -month
war to email us with their stories so that we
could put them to dramatic music and pay actors
to reenact those horribly unfortunate circumstances.
that the people of this horseshoed peninsula
have found themselves in. For some reason, instead
of emailing, they all found our number and rang
our answering machines instead. Look, I moved
to Dunbracken to get my family away from the
big city squabbles. And what do I find six months
later? A steeple wall. A civil war. I've got
two children in school here. A four -year -old
and a six -year -old. And what am I doing every
morning? I'm checking their bags. For knives.
For guns. Last week, I found a halberd. A halberd!
How does a six -year -old get a hold of a halberd?
And why are they drawing lines? They're drawing
lines in the sand. Literal lines in the sand.
It's crazy. Alright. Put the money in the bag.
I'm serious. Look, Francine, put the money in
the bag. Look, I know you keep it in the register.
Phil? No. Phil? Phil, this is very out of character
for you. No, it's not. I'm not. It's not me.
I'm not Phil. Phil? No. Phil? No, put the money
in the bag. You're still wearing your name tag,
Phil. You were like, I'm going home. My shift's
over and then you just went into the bathroom.
No, I went home. I mean, Phil, no. Phil, as your
shift manager, you're not getting overtime for
this. No, no. Look, I'm not, Phil. Like, I'm
a burglar. I mean, a robber. I mean, like, put
the money. Like, see this bag? Put it in. I'm
serious. Like, I've got a knife. You're pointing
a gun at us and you've got a knife as your threat?
I've got that as well. Phil, if you wanted to
do this properly, if I was you and I already
worked here, I'd just use my sign -in code in
the checkout and just take the cash, put it in
the bag, avoid the whole bandana thing. No, look
here. Look, I'm not. Look, I'm 100 % I'm not
who you say I am. Just, I mean, that's not...
Do you need money? I can write you a check. I
can give you more hours. Do you need more hours?
I just assumed you wouldn't want to do more than
eight a week. Things have just been tight, you
know, with the baby and all. And, like... That's
why I had you die on eight a week. It's just,
like, it's so expensive. Babies are expensive,
yeah. Is this news to you, Phil? Yeah, I mean,
I just never really thought about it. You never
thought about the consequence of having a baby,
Phil? Well, you know, it just seemed like a lovely
idea, and then all of a sudden it was here, and
then, you know, it needed nappies, and it needed
baby food and formula, and, like, you know, it
was the cot and, like, all the clothes and stuff,
and so... You know, you think about them and
you just thought they were free, you know? Like,
no cost in the make, so... No cost in the production,
aye. I suppose you're right in a way. I just
kind of thought it would stay that way. Your
cost is waylaid for 18 years, Phil. You know?
Oh my god. Shall I put you down for 12 hours
this week? If you wouldn't mind. Yeah. Is that
over time? And shall you put down the gun? And
wherever this knife is. I don't have a knife.
Look, we won't tell anyone about this. You don't
have a knife? No, I lied about the knife. I couldn't
find one. Phil, the thing that I'm most annoyed
about in all of this today is you left your Tupperware
from lunch in the sink and you left it to be
cleaned by someone else. I know, I'm just kind
of a bit of a scatterbrain now. I don't mind
cleaning it, but it's like it takes time out
of my lunch. No, I'm just, I'm not sleeping.
We're not getting paid to do this. I'm not sleeping
at night, you know. We're all adults here. It's
up all night. It's up all night. Just think,
Phil, you're going to have to Between the BAB
stopper where? Phil, I don't want to kick you
while you're down, but all you do talk about
is your BAB now. It's just, it's just got it
on the brain, you know? It's whining and it's
crying and it keeps me up all the time. And like,
it's just the center of my life now. I just didn't
think it would be like this. We don't need to
get into the fact that people have asked to change
shifts so they don't have to hear Phil talk about
his BAB in front of him. Okay? Well, look, it's
important for him to hear it. He'll hear it at
some point. But he doesn't need to hear it right
now. In this circumstance... Just put the gun
down so we can criticise you, Phil. Alright,
I'll put the gun down. But you might as well
tell me now. Like, we're having a date. I'll
take the bandana off. The war! Oh, sure, it was
brilliant, wasn't it? They got so much done.
What a godsend. I'm a real positive person. So
when the war broke out, I said to myself, Nula?
You're going to stay at home and you're going
to get all those jobs that are on your long list
that you haven't touched for Jesus knows how
long. And you're going to get through them all.
So I started off with the ironing. And honestly,
once you get into it, once you get cracking,
put on a great, you know, a bit of radio and
get yourself ironing. Oh, sure doesn't it fly
by? So I got through that in no time at all.
And then I said, I'm going to do something for
myself. I'm going to read a book. And you know
what? I got through all those books. You know
the books that you have and you never read? You
know the ones you get for Christmas and you say,
I'll get to them. But honestly, if you don't
have the pressure at book club, you're never
getting to them. And that's the honest truth.
I'm just being honest with you on that one. So
I got through a feck ton of books. And it was
marvellous. I picked up baking. I'd never done
baking before in my entire life. You know, I
mean, look at me. I'm not a baker. I'm not a
baker at all. But I started. And you know what?
Trying something new. It's great for your old
mental health. And that is the important thing.
So I really, I tried something new and I jumped
in. Now, honestly, oh God, I've been swamped.
I have been swamped. I've been up to my eyeballs.
But you know, isn't it better for it? You know
what I mean? You want to get out and grab life
by the zest. And that's what I'm going to get
to today. I'm going to meet the girls today for
a stroll down the street. And sure, isn't life
grand? The whole thing about this war, the thing
that I've heard, is it's absolutely bloody good
for nothing. This war is absolutely good for
nothing. I can hear them calling. They want us
to ascend. We must leave. We must commit ourselves
to the unholy majesty of the train. It will rise
us above us. It will take us. Because the wider
world has no idea about anything currently going
on in Dunbraken. Tourists still regularly show
up to this small slice of the larger cake known
as John Milton's Paradise Lost. So girls, I was
thinking the first place that we should stop
on our little trip is like the Spam Cafe? Oh
my god, I read about that on Yelp. Like, did
you hear, like, they were getting rations during
the war. And I was like, just spam. Oh, my gosh,
that's so cute. So cute. And, like, they turn
their little sausage rolls, like, they just put
spam inside them. Spam, that's, like, so, like,
British. What's a sausage roll? It's, like, it's
kind of like a pig in the blanket. Like a bread
thingy with, like, meat in the middle. Oh, my
God. That's so cute. Right? Oh, my God. So quaint
here, right? So quaint. Oh, my God. So, like,
is that our first stop? Yeah. Yeah. So Spam Cafe
is our first stop. Oh. The Scam Cafe had very
bad reviews. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I kind of
want to meet that Nigerian prince. He sounds
hot. They do say if you come to Ireland to make
sure you get scammed at least once. At least
once. Oh, like for the experience. Yeah, just
for the experience, you know? A good story to
tell. Like, they're so nice. Are they really
going to scam you that bad? Exactly. And that
accent. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'll give them
my bank details any time. Any time. I'm sure.
What's a dollar? It's probably like 100 euros,
right? So many. Their euros are so cute. I know.
They're so cute. And they're so, like, colorful.
And, like, they're all a different size. Who
knows what's what? Who knows? I mean, like, can
we get a Guinness first? Oh, my God. Or is it
with the war? Is that off? No, I think Guinness
is still on. Right. Yeah. Do they have a... Pubs?
Yeah, pubs. Yeah, that's their bar. Like a bar.
But like they don't do cocktails. No. It's just
like old men. I read about it. It's real. They're
just sitting there drinking their little beers.
And I've heard that if there is like a soccer
match, then there's young men. Okay. Maybe we
could go out and get a drink in a pub. And see
a soccer match. Well, like, are we allowed in
if it's all, like, old men and young men and
drinking little... What did you call it? Guinness?
Guinness. I think they've come some way. I don't
think... Oh, but it is wartime. Maybe women aren't
allowed. Yeah. I don't know. Like, they would
be delighted to see us, don't you think? No,
I think, like, probably, like, most of the women
are, like, busy. Like, I mean, like, you know,
like the... costumes and stuff. Oh, they're little
wartime costumes. Or maybe in the meals. Yeah,
the lunches for when they have a break during
the war. There's no glamour. Yeah, so maybe the
men would be really happy to see some women.
Yeah. They deserve a break. Something to look
forward to. War's not nice. Alright there, loves.
How's you going there? Oh, look at the four of
yous. What are yous doing here? He's come right
up to her. I got nothing. Is he talking to her?
Are you speaking English? He's doing well there
now. I'm doing great. Oh my gosh, he is so cute.
Sorry, can you say that again? Do you speak American?
I don't know. Sorry, can you point us to the
nearest pub? The nearest pub you want to go to?
Is that it? Yeah, we would love it. Look, he's
blushing. Are we allowed in? Do you have any
spam? Oh, no, I wouldn't go in for that myself
now. But if you go down there, so you want to
go down to the left up there. And now if you
know the church, do you know the church? Right.
Well, that's good, because if you got to the
church, everyone is religious here. No, don't
worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. We're not picking
no divide. That's a different story. That's a
different one. If you've got to the church, you
went too far. OK, does that help? I agree. The
church goes too far in a lot of ways. Yeah, it
really does. Like, it really just does not belong
in the government. It's actually worse in America,
though. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Yeah, we're glad
of the break. They're all from America. Yeah.
Yeah, we're here on vacation. Yeah. Oh, good
for you. It's a lovely time to come here. My
great -great -grandfather was actually Irish.
Oh, my God. Yeah. You didn't tell me that. My
great -great -grandfather passed. So was mine.
Oh, my God. Did you, like, know him? Tell me,
was it Pot McCleary or Pot O 'Leary or Pot McHugh
or Pot Jim or Pot Quinn or Pot O 'Connor or Pot
Butler or Pot McCormick or Pot... Did I say Pot
Jim? Well, we're Americans. We're Americans living
in Dunbracken. Yeah, we've been here a little
while. We care about this place. It's great.
But we've been here three months. It's a little
rainy. Yeah. It's a lot rainy. We could say it's
a lot rainy here. Yeah. But it's nice. You know,
we care about this and we want to support the
war. We want to support the war. Well, we want
to support our brothers and sisters. That's right.
Our brothers and sisters most of all. Definitely.
Including our actual brothers and sisters. I
want to support them too as well as the metaphorical.
Yeah. That's why. Because we got hired on. By
my brothers. By your brothers. Yeah. Sharon.
Sharon and Keith. They moved here a year ago.
Sharon and Keith. We were just working on the
house. But then when the war broke out. We're
going to support them and our Irish. brothers
and sisters as well. And it was easy. I mean,
we're Americans. We know how to fight. We know
how to fight in a war. Oh, we know how to fight.
We know how to fight. We'll throw down. We'll
throw down. Especially you, Jared. You'll throw
down hard, bro. Yeah, you build. Don't act like
you don't know. Hey, Jared. Okay, I know how
to fight. I know how to fight. But anyway, we're
proud to be in here. We're proud Americans fighting
alongside our Irish brothers and sisters. I would
like to talk about the fighting. Can we talk
about the fighting, Jared? Okay. Okay. Well,
hold on. I'm kind of hungry now, though. I'm
just saying. I'll buy you lunch later. I'm sorry.
I'm hungry. I'll buy you lunch later. We worked
in the house. We're not fighting. I'm just a
little hungry. I'm not fighting right now. No,
we're not fighting right now. I'm just a little
hungry. I mean, we kind of are fighting a little
bit. I mean, we're fighting with each other.
That's who we're fighting. That's who we're fighting.
Sure, I don't even know what it's all about.
They're just making a quarrel racket, and it's
not very considerate of the rest of us who...
Don't have a strong opinion either way. But could
they not just keep it down? My name is Eugene
Simmons. And I am the general of the Anti -Mail
Oral Defence Force Legion. When the train first
went up, I just knew something had to be done.
For too long, the mayor's force has been coming
into my town, pillaging, looting, robbing the
sick, the old, the infirm, and the cat lover.
Well... Not my watch. As long as that train's
up in that there sky, Meyer's forces are going
to die. As it just so turns out, we weren't the
only reporters on the scene of this war. Hello,
everybody, and welcome to Dumb Bracken 1 at 5
.7. I am here broadcasting from the front lines
of the Dumb Bracken War. You know, I may not
sound like my normal, cheery self, but times
are hard, and it's rough. It's rough out here.
I wanted to check in with some of the soldiers.
I'm here in the trenches. Hey, hey, you, you.
What are you still doing here? We've got to move.
We've got to move. They're coming through here
at any moment. I know. I know. What's your name?
Who are you? John Bidderson. John... John Bidderson.
Bidderson? John Bidderson. Yeah. How's your day
going? Are you finding... It's a terrible day.
There's soldiers coming through here at any time.
We've got to escape. We've got to get out of
here. It's a terrible time. What are you still
doing here? I'm here to let the public know about
how bad the war is. Well, and I'm here to let
you know that we need to escape at this moment.
We don't have much time left. It's John Bidderson
and I'm saying that we need to get out of here.
That's a Bidderson guarantee. Okay, John. I'll
go with you. Let's go. That's right. When you
have a Biddleson by your side, nothing bad can
ever happen to you. I really appreciate that.
John, what are you doing here? You've got to
get off the battlefield. Why are you here, man?
I know. It's this other man. He's not coming
out here. What are you doing, sir? I have a Biddleson
by your side. You have to get out of here, but
that's not what's happening right now because
he's over here. Well, you've got to get in the
last convoy. Roger's selling from Dunbracken
105 .7. It's the last job we're going to Dunbracken.
That's what's happening right now. Roger, Roger,
you've got to come with us. They're about to
get bombed. You've got to go. I can't leave.
Okay. I have to report the news for everybody
in Dunbracken. I leave. Folks, things are getting
really serious here. Wow. Is that your guy making
those noises? That's just a taste of what's going
to be happening in the next few minutes. Wow,
he's really good. He's pre -empting it. You've
got to get out of here. You've got to come with
us. We're going to the last convoy. Jump in the
van. I'll come with you. Sorry, what's your name,
sir? Sorry, I'm just providing a bit of flavor
to the scenario here. It's very dangerous. You
should be heading up. This is Clement. Clement,
I've been on the radio for a long time, and if
we get through this war, I'd love you to be on
my team. I'm a massive fan of Pitbull. That's
great. He and I don't have any association. It's
really dangerous. I understand that. This war
is going to go worldwide. just very good at time
defense. That was over a cow grill. This is Biddleston.
Everyone all right back there? We're okay, Biddleston.
Listeners have been reckoned. The sights that
I'm seeing today are horrible. These people,
they're running for their lives. Yeah, on the
radio? Sorry, Roger, I'm just explaining to our
driver. Yeah, he's from the radio. Yeah. You
want me to change the radio? No, no, I'm saying
he's from the radio. Can you let me finish? I'm
trying to speak to my listeners. The scenes are
bloody and horrible, and I'm definitely at risk
of danger here. It's not... It's not good for
anybody. Nobody should be here. Get safe while
you can. Thank you, Clement. It's very dramatic.
If there were danger about you, you'd be fucked.
Well, thank God I've got you guys to look after
me and protect me from the danger. War? Sure,
what's that good for? Absolutely bloody nothing.
That's who we're fighting. Oh wait, you know,
the old enemy. The enemy. That's the other side.
Really the other side. The other side. This side,
we're fighting the other side. And Chris, Jerry,
you guys are good fighters. You're Americans
fighting the good fight. For the Irish. Yeah,
no, we love the Irish. We love fighting for them.
Yeah. I mean, we love any fighting. We just love
doing it. But, you know, I have to admit, after
since coming over here, it's really impressive.
I didn't realize what... Cold stone killers you
were. We are. Yeah. I know. I just, it's definitely
cold. Like temperature wise? Don't be silly.
I'm talking my eyes. I'm talking my eyes. Look
at my eyes. They're cold. They are. Yeah. He's
like shedding tears right now, Bill. Yeah. That's
how I just, I look at them and you're like. I
just kill. Sometimes I'm not even sure which
side they're on, and I don't care. Well, I think
we should care. I mean, you know, we're fighting
for Sherrod, Sharon, and... It's not my country.
Well, it's our... I'm just killing. I'm just
here to kill. No, Jared's bringing up a really
good point, right? We can kill indiscriminately
as long as it's not on U .S. soil. Exactly. That's
a really good point. That's international law.
That's international law. Is it? It is international
law. Okay. We are only responsible for the things
that we do in the United States. Mm -hmm. Anywhere
else in the world. I mean, certainly Dunbracken
has a city council. They have a legal code. But
it doesn't apply to us. We're not citizens here.
Are they American? No. It doesn't matter. But
we're the only Americans here. There might be
other Americans that have infiltrated their government.
Have you thought about that? Yes. And we kill
them. It doesn't matter because it's not in American
soil. Yeah, that's a good point. Cold -blooded
killers. It's in the Constitution. To kill...
Americans on... Anywhere outside of the U .S.
boundaries, you're totally okay. Got it. I know
it. You know, I took a class. I took a law class.
Wow. In high school? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Our senior
year of high school, we were there year 12. That's
my guess. Or grade 12. Do you feel like you're
really trying to, like, fit in here? I'm really
trying. That's why I got these pants. I mean,
they're nice. They're nice. They're very nice
pants. I bought them from the Dunbrack and Taylor.
He's very pleasant. They're very nice. They're
very green. I love them. Do you think I'm gaining
weight? Yeah. But like good weight. In a good
way. Yeah, you look healthy. You needed to gain
a little bit of weight. I felt a little skinny.
I'm glad you guys noticed that. I feel like we
can really let loose here. I mean, your pants
are really good. I mean, they're really great
camouflage, but the green in the camouflage is
a little bit bright. Oh. So I'm not sure. It's
more of like a mossy gray green. Your jacket
looks spot on, though, Jared. Thank you very
much. I got this. It does have that hole. I mean,
was that from a bullet? Was that when we were
getting shot? You weren't there? I think I was
back at the house. I had to single -handedly
patch up Jared. It was horrible. Oh, shoot. I'm
sorry. Yeah, someone stared at him for too long
and it just exploded right on his shoulder. Whoa.
It's okay. Are you okay? It's war, man. This
is what it's like. So the existence of humans
is all war. So it doesn't matter. That's not
true. Think of the bonobos. The bonobos are all
about sex. No, it's not. It's about war. Sex
is just an excuse for them to fight. I've been
saying that a lot. I've been saying that sex
is... They have sex instead of fighting. I wonder
if we could introduce that as a... I know we're
all cold stone killers, but I'm wondering if
we could introduce ideas of sex and sexuality
into the conversations about this war. People
could have sex instead of fighting each other.
Phil, I think Ireland is changing you, man. Yeah.
You're getting soft. You're getting soft. You're
getting sexy. No, I'm not. I am sexy. I am sexy,
but it doesn't matter, you guys. You're soft.
Soft on the underbelly. Feel my belly. I'm not
touching you. How does it feel? It does kind
of feel awesome. Touch it, Jared. Let me feel.
And that felt good back to me. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you. It was consensual. I feel like
a bonobo. Well, you know how it is in war times.
You got your good days and you got your bad days.
But, you know, you got to make the best of what's
coming to you. So I've been trying to stay in
the house a fair bit. Because, you know, there's
that big old red ant running about. I heard he
beat up a crocodile. But... Like, as long as
you stay out of his way, you're probably safe.
But he's been smashing into cars and smashing
up the fronts of shops like nobody's business.
So what I did, I waited till the streets got
a wee bit quieter. And then I snuck off after
him, followed his, you know, followed his trail.
Followed his wake of destruction. And it turns
out, he's leaving some weird secretion all over
the ground and the broken glass and stuff. So
I collect it all up, scrape it down into my wee
bucket, and I've been just going down the market
on the Sundays and selling it. You'd be surprised
with the rationing that's going on. People will
eat anything. And, you know, it's got an interesting
tang to it. You know, it's got like an umami
undercurrent. So I've been making a wee bit of
side cash. You've got to have a side hustle.
You know, you've got to be making money where
you can get it. So, like, I can't complain. So
we're all good though, right? Like, we don't
need to say anything about the gun and the bag
and the money and this. We have CCTV, Phil. Like,
someone's going to... I can't just wipe a tape
without an explanation. Now, there's a form you
can fill out. Right. Paternity leave. Well, I
kind of need the R still. I'd make a deal with
you. If you stop talking about the baby, I won't
talk about you holding the store up. Okay. That's
a deal. I'll never mention it again. All right,
but as soon as you do. It's just a shame one
of our regulars is here. Wendy, just... Give
me the gun. Give me the gun. No. Give me the
gun. I don't want it. Wendy. I'll give you a
£20 voucher. Wendy, we told you to leave. £20
voucher. Told you to leave. And not a word. £25
voucher. Make it 50. You can give me the gun.
30. Phil, do the right thing. Phil, kill Wendy.
I don't think I can really shoot anyone. Don't
point it at me, please. Look, I'm sorry, Wendy,
but you just kind of got caught. Phil, I'll not
say anything. I'll take the 30 and I'll go. Look,
I can't. Shoot as strong -armed as Wendy. Look,
I know you're a gossip, Wendy. You need to learn,
Wendy. You'll never keep this in. You haven't
kept a secret in all your life. My kids! My kids!
I deleted next door because of you. That's how
much of a gossip you are. You're on there constantly.
Someone's burning out the bins. And someone has
to post about it. It's you, Wendy. You're doing
it for attention. You can't prove that. It's
on my ring doorbell. What's that? It's my wee
camera. So it was originally intended for the
shop. Okay, guys. The CCTV, like, it was... We
did have it. But I just needed... I wanted to
protect my own property a bit more. So I just
took it out, fired it home. And I have footage
of Wendy burning out the bins. Yeah. That little
teddy in the top corner of the store, that's
just to hide the smoke detector. It's not a baby
cam like we said. So have you been seeing me
taking all the Twixes too? No, we haven't. I
mean... Unless you're taking the Twixes that
she leaves outside on her porch every day for
the cats. I watch the cats eat those. I'm not
taking those, no. I've just ones at the front
counter. Wendy, you're on fucking thin ice. I
can forgive... holding up the shop, but I draw
a line at stealing Twix's. Give me the gun. Give
me the gun. Phil, give William the gun. I can
do it. This can be part of our deal. Phil, what
are you talking about? I think we're on your
side, Phil. Yeah, 100%. Hey, maybe just get out
of your system. It'd be good for you. Oh, don't
get anything out of your system. I'll just go.
I'll say nothing to no one. I've locked the door.
Have you any last words, Jay? I'll just pull
the blinder. Oh, my kids. What are they going
to think of me? They're going to think you're
a gossip. Well, tell them you ran off to, like,
become an actor or something, you know? Or, like,
to go to the big city. Don't worry, we'll release
the ring footage and say it's a short, independent
film. Don't. They can't know I'm a bin burner.
Please don't kill me, Phil. We'll not know you're
a bin burner. We'll leave them with a good idea
of you, Wendy. All right. We'll think you're
a hero. We'll bring Twixes to your wake. Lord,
into your hands I commit my spirit. Goodbye.
marble. She was out in the streets, but it wasn't
marble at all. It was an actual giant ant. And,
well, I was quite disappointed. I haven't seen
giant Aunt Mabel in a few years now. She used
to always send me 25 pounds on me birthday, but
I haven't got that, and I sort of needed it last
year because I needed to get the maintenance
done on the lawnmower. Because, sure, did you
know that the blade broke on it? I went over,
I was doing the lawn, and there was a rock. I
think one of the neighbour kids there threw a
rock into my garden, and because the grass was
long, sure, of course, I didn't see it until
I went out to start doing the lawn. But, sure,
I haven't even been able to do the grass. The
grass is so long now, because, sure, I haven't
been able to get it repaired, because there's
a bloody war on and such. But anyway, if you
see Giant Aunt Mabel, just tell her. Maybe her
cards are getting lost in the post. Of course,
the post is not at the minute either. But hopefully,
hopefully they get back. There's probably a backlog
in the Royal Mail, I'd imagine. But yes, if you
see Aunt Mabel, just let her know that I'm asking
for her. Moving! Moving! Train called us on our
left! Push them back! I said shoot straight.
You're shooting everything but the enemy. Where
the hell's my damn cup of tea? How in the hell
am I supposed to keep this village safe? I'm
not hydrated with the village's taste. Come on.
Go back to me, Samson. You keep up that fire.
Do you know who I am? It was Brian O 'Brien.
Brian O 'Brien. Brian O 'Brien. You know who
Brian O 'Brien is, don't you? Did he have a voxel?
I don't know what that is. It's like one of those
them four wheelers, you know, you could take
it anywhere so you could. Look, I met a man,
Brian O 'Brien, who had a Vauxhall and he drove
it straight into a tree. Still works to this
day. Well, I feel this was in like the 1800s.
So I think he would have had like a horse. Yeah,
like a horse. Yeah. A horse? Do you ride a horse?
I'd love to, but... Can't quite get the license
these days. Oh, you can't afford the horse? Oh,
no, no, they won't have me. You know, a horse
is a fickle mistress. Can you get cars down your
roads here, though? Aren't they narrow and muddy
and farmy? Oh, we wouldn't have no problem putting
two cars together. What did I tell you about
Brian O 'Brien? Have you heard about Brian O
'Brien and his Vauxhall? There's a tree in it
to this day. Still has the tree, still works
fine. I would love a selfie with that. Wouldn't
you, girls? I would like a selfie with this little
cutie. Oh my word, good idea. Now you're back
off, ladies. I'm a happily married man of 42
years, so I wouldn't, my mistress wouldn't be
happy if I was getting pictures with four. Come
on, we'll just get a quick selfie. Gotta keep
her on her toes. That seems very illegitimate,
and I don't appreciate the undertones that you're
all perusing my way. So if you'd kindly step
back. Okay, three, two, one. Why are there so
many flashes? Oh, look at him. He is all bamboozled.
Which side of the war are you on? Are you like
always thinking about it? Are you thinking about
it right now? It must be so hard. Well, I'm just
up on patrol here and I'm supposed to take in
any highly suspicious folk for questioning. But
wait a minute. Hold on a minute. I know in war
times, in the past, in the Francis. that they
used to use women as spies. Now, would you four
ladies happen to be spies or nothing? It was
like an experience we bought. War -torn Ireland.
Yeah, we're actually all influencers. Yeah, I'm
like, we wouldn't be very good spies if we just
told you we were spies, right? Yeah, I mean,
we post everything we do on the internet, so
I'm like, Charlie's Angels. I'm streaming this
right now. Oh my god, is this Charlie? From everything
you've corroborated, it sounds like you are in
fact spies. Now, don't tell my wife, but I'm
going to have to take you all in. But not in
that way. This is for strictly professional wartime
questions. This must be part of the experience.
Let's go along with it. No, you just can't be
enjoying it. No, I heard like performance art
was really taking off in Ireland. Take your hands
off me, officer. Are you going to have to cuff
us? Well, actually, no, because it sounds like
you're going to enjoy it. Everyone else will
get cuffed, I think. Not you. Unless any of you
seem like you're going to enjoy it. Then I won't
do it. No, I'd hate it. Please. It would be awful.
Now your words and your tone aren't matching
here now, ladies. And I don't know if this is
some sort of transatlantic differentiation. Where
will you be taking us? To the jail. You'll have
words. Because we can't trust no spies these
days, you know. So immersive. To be fair, it
is the pub. We're working with limited resources.
Oh, lead the way. Don't get offended by all the
old men. Can we get a Guinness? Oh, you can't.
Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, it was your friend. Sharon,
Jared, that, you know. Your sister. I'm so sorry.
I see the entire world as friends. Except the
enemy. Except the enemy. Everybody else's friend.
Enemy is not the friend. Oh, of course. Of course.
But I mean, I personally, I got involved. I've
been serving since middle school. What? What?
Back in California? Yeah. No, yeah. You know,
I finished eighth grade and I was like, I'm done.
And I just signed up. Like ROTC? No, no. Like
I served. I joined the army. Is that allowed?
I was 13. Whoa. I mean, I don't think it was
like legal, you know, but like I was a pretty
big 13 year old, like no one really questioned.
So, okay, but just tell them the story. I'm sorry,
that's before now? Yeah. No, but this is like
the classic, like, you know, so I was, at this
point, I was 17. I'd been serving in the military
for four years. Being in the military is smooth,
it's easy. It's just like high school, I assume.
You know, it's filled with cliques. Because you
never went to high school, so you don't know
what high school is. Yeah, no, I was... Oh, it's
brutal. It's brutal. You think war is hard? Think
about high school. High school's worse? I'm glad
I dodged it. So, we were here. We brought you
over here. Mm -hmm. Fixing the house. I'm glad
to be doing the work. And then the war breaks
out and, you know, and then we just kind of,
hey, we better pick a side. Yeah. That's what
I thought. Well, Chris, you really picked it,
you know. Immediately. Yeah, well, they were
shooting at us, so I immediately became the enemy.
People shooting was the other side. People shooting
was the other. I mean, I didn't know them. Well,
it might have been Greg, but I couldn't, it couldn't,
it was dark. He's gone now, so it wouldn't. You
killed him. Oh, yeah. Cold Stone's killer. Because
that's the thing. I mean, like, when we came
over here, you know, and you guys got me involved
with Sharon's construction and the whole thing,
I, like, I mean, it was fine, but I missed the
military stuff. I missed the, like, violence
and the, I mean. So you totally lucked out. Oh,
yeah. Because the war broke out. Yeah, war broke
out. Big time. You're lucky. You're a lucky guy.
Thank you. The Irish are tough fighters. I'll
give that to them. Our brothers and sisters,
on both sides. They're tenacious. They're determined.
But they're also, they're funny. Well. Funny.
They're funny fighters. Funny fighters. I would
definitely, I would agree with that. I gotta
say that makes it easier to fire back because
they keep making jokes during the whole thing.
You can also, you know. Funny movement. They're
hiding and instead of, and then they're telling
jokes and then you can find them where they are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy. That and also the infrared
helps to see them, you know. And they don't have
it here. They don't have, they don't have infrared
over here. It just makes it way easier. Or ultraviolet.
Yeah. It's a kind of light, I think. Or microwave.
Microwave doesn't, they don't have, they have
microwaves. They just don't know, they don't
know that we can use it to see. That you can
see microwaves coming from people. Yeah, no,
it's that new technology that we brought over
from America. Yeah. For the building construction.
Microwaves vision. Exactly, microwave vision.
Yeah. You can see little things. See, I see big
things, like people. And little things. So you
can see, you can see big things, and then you
can see the little things that they're doing.
So you can be like, oh, look. They're tying their
shoes. Exactly, oh, look, they're twirling. Yo
-yo. Oh, Cora. And Amy. yo -yo. Yeah. I've killed
at least 13 people who are twirling yo -yos here.
Exactly. They don't know. Don't tell them. Oh,
I'm sorry. Please don't tell them because then
they're going to stop you. Cat's out of the bag.
Again. Jared, come on. Sorry. Oh, I love living
next door. Sorry, if you just kind of bend down
behind my kitchen bunker, it's easier to hear.
Yeah, no, but I love living next door to the
General. He's brought a lot of enthusiasm to
the neighbourhood, you know. I felt like we were
kind of just getting a bit stagnant there, sure.
In the last village fight, like, this whole street
didn't bother even taking part. But now I feel
like, you know, we're really central to the whole
conflict. And it's great, I mean, you know. There's
never a quiet moment. We're always kind of, shall
we say, shooting at the... Oh, hang on! There
you go. We're always kind of shooting at the
mayor's lads. It's getting quite lively now.
It gets the blood pumping. I'm looking for a
Roger. Is there a Roger here? Yeah, that's me.
Hey, you. You idiot. Can you get off the airlines?
This is kept for medical emergencies only. You're
blocking the reception. What are you talking
about? This is my radio show. You've been off
the air. You're blocking the emergency line.
I don't care that I'm off the air. I'm not here
to... We have ambulances on standby. I don't
care about the ambulances. I'm here to let the
people of Dunbracken know that we're in danger.
They need to hear the truth. They need to hear
what's really happening. And if I'm... On the
airwaves and good. They can hear it. Great. You've
reported nothing of substance so far. Sir, are
you telling me that this guy's stopping the airwaves
of Dumbrak and Hebden? Does Middleston need to
take care of this man? Uh, I just want him off
the radio. Middleston will do it. I don't...
I appreciate this because if we kill someone,
the ambulance can't bring them back. So good
work, Roger. Um... It's our ambulances. Guys,
this is about the people. I'm here to... to make
sure your stories are shared and you're not lost
to time, to the depths of the war. We're recording
such a historical moment of Dunbrack, and if
I'm not here to record it, then who is? We all
have body cams. Yeah, but no one has my voice
and my truth, sir. It's time to make a choice.
This is Biddleson here. If you want to continue
this, you're going to be killed. Otherwise, you
have to stop your radio recording. What are you
going to do? I will never, ever stop recording
for Dumb Bracken 105 .7. And if it's the last
thing I do, then so be it. You heard him, boys.
Lock and load. Light them up. And that's a Fiddleston
guarantee. You're not going to do it. You're
not going to. Sorry, just reloading. Listeners
of Dumb Bracken. My final message! I'm sorry.
I'm gonna call the ambulance! A witch! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for who I was. I'm sorry for everything
I did. And I wish... I wish it could have been
better for you. If you just get off the airlines,
we can call you an ambulance. You can survive
if you just stop talking for five minutes. This
is what you're selling. I've done bracket 105
.7, signing out for the last time. And that's
a Biddleston guarantee. Biddleston, who are we
sponsored by? We're sponsored by HelloFresh.
Do you have problems planning your meals ahead
of time? Is the war really getting down your
mealtime routine? If so... An offer code is available
now. Just enter WAR2024 for your box. 60 % off.
Hi, this is Phil O 'Connell from the Spam Podcast.
Do you need to shave a capybara? Come on down
to Man's Capybara. You can shave all the capybaras
you want. We have razors. We have shavers. We
have triple -blind shears. Anything you want
to shave, come down to Man's Capybara. But that's
not all. For a limited time only, I, Phil O 'Connell,
have the capybara in my possession. That's right,
the town's mascot is mine to control. I'll throw
him out. He still has rabies. His entire, the
ball that he's in right now, it's full of rabies.
It's just cloudy as shit. I don't even know if
he's in there, but I can tell you what. I opened
the ball up and I put a shaver in there and shaved
some hair. And I have rabies -infested hair and
a little Ziploc bag. So if you need an enemy
killed or infested with rabies, come on down.
I have a nuclear weapon in my possession. Scream
holes! Scream holes! Jesus, Dan, what are you
doing in here? Try to film an advert in here.
I filmed an entire advert for Screamhalls. Leave
me alone. You couldn't even hear it because I
recorded it in my Screamhalls. Get the fuck out
of here. This is my backyard. My backyard filled
with my Screamhalls. Screamhalls. Screamhalls.
Tune in next time for the finale of the four
-part miniseries, The War for Dunbraken, Part
5. War? Huh? Good God. What's that good for?