All right, guys, thanks for joining me tonight.
I know there's a war on, so I really appreciate
you showing up. If we're all ready then, I think
we can get started. And I've made some itinerary
up. I've actually made... Guys, please. You're
just laughable. Oh, Derek, don't be like that.
You're just a joke, man. Wear your trousers.
I'm wearing them. They're just really small today.
Why are they peach coloured? What are the exact
colour tone of your skin? Oh, I didn't think
I would get... Do you get off to these meetings?
I don't get off to these meetings. Derek, come
on. I can see your erection. I call to elect
a new leader for this neighbourhood watch. That's
fine. If you can get the vote, you can get a
new leader. Oh, I don't want to be the leader.
I'm quite happy to be a lieutenant. I elect Simon.
Nice. See? Not everyone can... Simon, what the
fuck? We talked about this for weeks. I thought
this was a coup. I thought this was a power grab.
I've got the Semtex right here in case it goes
south. We're going to go out in 15 minutes and
you've got a coup organised. Well, not anymore.
Sorry, everyone. Who watches over and protects
a neighbourhood when those sworn to do so don't?
The same people who watch over the neighbourhood
when the police are already there to protect
it. Here in Dunbracken, the neighbourhood watch
of the Glebeside Estate, Crooner Park and Fridge
Avenue Triangle, colloquially referred to as
the bad part of town, have realised that just
because there's a war going on, doesn't mean
that delinquents are going to stop delinquiting.
Well, if the coup's gone then, we'll just get
that started on the agenda. What, I was going
to give you your parents for this patrol? I don't
want to be with Derek. That's fine, you're not
with Derek this week, you're with Simon. Oh.
No, I don't want to hear any arguments from you
for that. Well, it's better Simon than Derek,
to be fair. Samantha, I'm right here. Derek,
I know you're right there. I'm looking at you.
Why would you say such hurtful things? Because
you really are a hurtful person. When have I
ever been hurtful? Just there now. If you're
going to excuse yourself, it was just there now.
Derek. You just kind of told me we were doing
a coup. You didn't ask me. I thought for a second.
Did you not get my coded letters? I did. I did
not understand them. Oh, the code. Derek, not
everything's about you. It doesn't have to go
your way. I was doing this for the benefit of
the neighbourhood watch. Look at his trousers,
people. This isn't a... Yeah, I was just going
to comment on that. This isn't an erection, by
the way. It's the end of my baton. I'm ready
this week. I'm not allowed myself to be attacked
by anyone this week. So we're allowed weapons.
That's why I got the Semtex. It's not strictly
a weapon, unless you wrong me. Exactly, yeah.
Legally, they're not weapons unless we're wronged.
It's not a weapon until I hit the button. In
which case, it's a weapon for a very brief period
of time. And then it's disabled and defused.
No one told me we were bringing weapons. I don't
have anything. Simon, what do you have? Well,
you know, I have a nunchucks, but I could split
it, and then you could have half the nunchucks.
So we have sticks with a bit of chain on. Yeah.
Okay. All I have is a stick, so yeah, that works
for everyone. Let's hear from the young blood.
I thought a weapon was mandatory, so I could
only get my hands on a Nerf gun, but also to
Derek's point earlier about the coup, it would
have been very nice if you'd included the rest
of us in that. Well, by nature of being a coup,
it had to be very secretive, very clandestine.
I realise now that my codes were too... Difficult
to crack, Simon, apparently. I mean, I would
also say, even if I cracked it, a coup shouldn't
really be more than 50%. Exactly my point. Yes,
quite. All right, I'll put it at my first time.
Sorry. That's all right. Will there be another
coup? Can we put it on next week's agenda? We
can put a coup in next week's agenda. I think
that's only fair. Okay. Oh, also in the minutes.
Can we say if we're bringing weapons? Because
I do feel blindsided by this. I don't know how
everyone else thought we were bringing weapons,
but I didn't get the memo. I'll apologise, Samantha.
We'll put that in the minutes from now on. Weapons
included. I didn't know we were bringing weapons.
I'm just back from karate practice. Can I just
say, I really appreciate the magnanimous way
you've handled this meeting, and I'll be withdrawing
my coup. So there's going to be no coup then
next week, Derek? Oh wait, is this you being
subterfugee again? No, I'm legitimately saying
there'll be no coup, but I would say if I were
to do a coup, saying there wouldn't be a coup
the week before would be a pretty good way to
stage a coup. Yeah. I'm willing to sign a document
that I'm not doing a coup. No, I'll just put
an asterisk beside it for next week's minutes
and it might not be included. If we have time,
there might be a coup. How about that? If you
need me to look into the coup, I can do that.
I think I'm going to get a lighter load on homework
this week, so I will have time after school.
That reminds me. There are too many pigeons on
the Glebeside estate. Well, that's great. Do
you want to sort that out tonight? Yeah. You
want to go to the Glebeside? Because I had a
sign. Of course, Derek, you're with Charlie.
Charlie, you've got the Nerf gun with you. Charlie
and Derek. Charlie and Derek. Do you have a problem
with that, Derek? No, I think it's great. I think
I'm too short. No, I don't think you're too short.
Because I think you're too short. Because you're
a grown man. And I still have to have a growth
spurt. The doctor says that I will hit a growth
spurt at the age of 42. Derek. Samantha. Derek,
I think we both know the doctor's trying to ease
your very small ego. The doctor is my very small
ego. Is that what you said? No. Trying to ease
your very small ego. Oh, I thought you were saying
because I refer to my ego as the sergeant. You're
a lieutenant. And your ego is a sergeant? No,
I'm a lieutenant. Well, I was a lieutenant in
the coup, but inwardly I referred to myself...
So you weren't even the leader in your own coup?
Well, he elected Simon. I elected Simon because
I believed in his capacity and I liked his trousers.
But you didn't tell him. I thought I did through
codes. I also don't think I have natural leader
qualities. Well, that is your first mistake because
if you... Oh, self -fulfilling. I'm totally fine
with riding... What's the term? Shotgun. Shotgun.
No, motorbike. The side of a... Sidecar. Sidecar
with the child. He's not a child. I'm a teenager.
Yeah, and legally... In a few years. This is
why we brought Charlie in. Now, Charlie is my
next -door neighbour's kid. And now we have someone
who can effectively and legally attack children.
I can. And I will. And I will. If needed, yeah.
Because remember, the last few weeks, we've been
terrorised by them. You're saying if needed.
Yeah, if needed. If needed. But it'll happen.
It'll probably happen, yeah. Or be. And now we
can't get in trouble for it. That's the thing.
I think if we just shaved Derek, we wouldn't
have got in trouble in the first place. I'm not
even going to engage with that. That's extremely
upsetting. You know that the same powerful hormones
that will give me my growth spore at 32 also
give me thick, thick hair like a dog. Yeah, a
dog. That's what you like, Derek. A dog. I'm
just so emotional. This is a real sore point
for me that I look like a dog and I have to ride
with the child. And also my coo didn't work.
It's not going very well for me. The sergeant
will be very angry. We should just call you Cujo.
That is an extremely good joke, and I hate you
for it. I wish I hadn't lent you my Stephen King
omnibus. Well, you did, Derek, and I've enjoyed
it very much. Thank you very much. Give it back.
I've nothing to read at night. The library won't
give me things because they think I'm a dog.
Try John Irvine. Huh? Try John Irvine. I find
it's very easy to get to sleep to. Did you not
hear me? I can't come into the library because
they think I'm a dog. I could lend you some John
Irvine, but you're not getting your Stephen King
back. It's a very long novel. It is an extremely
large omnibus. Why they thought that they could
put his entire works in an omnibus, it's as tall
as a working horse. Simon, do you have anything
to add? No. Jack, I can see why you split those
two up, frankly. Time and time again, it's just
proven that they're an ineffectual pairing. Because
each one of them wants to ride in the sidecar
most of the time, and that just doesn't work.
Someone's got to take the lead. That's why, Simon,
you're going to be taking the lead with your
nun, and then, Samantha, you'll have the chuck.
I think that's fair. Of course, if you find any
kids, run for Charlie. Don't engage. Run and
find Charlie. I'm most accessible by walkie,
because I'm not aligned on WhatsApp yet. And
if you hear an explosion, don't come looking
for me. Not all problems are out in the streets,
though. Sometimes they're right there beside
us, in our houses, eating our food, making us
take student loans out for them, and being unappreciative
of most of the things that we do for them. Mom,
is anyone using the family gun? No, still in
the locker, sweetie. That's great, you don't
need it today. No, I did my hunting last night.
Oh, my God. Mom, I really wanted to use a family
gun tonight. Tonight? Yeah. I'll be back by seven.
But I'm meant to be leaving at 6 .30. No, like,
I really need to use it. What do you need it
for? Well, there's plenty. What do you need it
for? Because, honestly, there's no reason why
you had it last week. And, honestly, like, I
should be the one using it. I mean, that's what
I'm asking. Look, I'm not demanding the gun.
We live in a civilized household here. Neither
of you will have the gun. Father has precedence
over the gun. Oh, shut it, Dad. That is actually
such freaking bullshit. Like, honestly. Are you
hearing this? I didn't know you needed it today,
honey. Well, yes, I decided I was going to go
out and finish off my snooker buddies. Mom, why
are you actually letting him speak to you like
that? That's ridiculous. I mean, that felt fine
to me. Here's the head of the household. Well,
we're both heads of the household, but we did
agree that when it comes to the gun... Well,
do you know what? I think I'm going to take ownership
of the gun. Then you become the head of the household,
right? Yeah. Everyone has a gun. Yes, that's
what we've always done. Just so you know, I've
been, like, stockpiling, so... Guns? Yeah, guns,
ammunition. Yes, but it's not the gun, darling.
If you have a gun, why do you need a family gun?
That is a pellet gun. I literally have like semi
-automatics. So I'm just saying like maybe we
should stop listening to dad and start listening
to me because I'm literally like armed like a
militia. Okay, no, I do think we should just
calm down a little. I'm calm. Maybe if you both
explain what you need the gun for today, then
we can work out a solution together. Okay. Okay,
you. first because I feel like you will have
a very clear and concise argument and then I'm
going to destroy that argument. Yes. I'm hoping
to catch traitors off guard at laser tag. Okay.
And you? Right. I'm hoping to find people who
fundamentally disagree with the morals of our
society and then gun them down. That sounds like
a project you could work on together. You're
both effectively doing the same thing. I mean...
If I give you a lift to where you need to go,
Could I get here by seven? Could we stop at Tesco
and then I can get, like, some dinner and then
that would work for me. Can't you eat beforehand?
I hunted last night, honey. Mum, are you... Mum
hunted last night. Are you hearing this? Are
you hearing this? He's saying, have I eaten?
And he knows I can't eat at work. I work at literally,
like, a clothes shop. Like, I can't eat at work.
Okay, sorry. I didn't realise you're at work
today. I am at work. I am at work. Okay. No,
if I pick you up from work and we stop by Tesco's,
can you do seven? Yeah, and then, like, we can,
like... single -handedly, well, double -handedly,
like, create a militia. Oh, I was just going
to drop you off. I'm going to go to a movie tonight.
Mom, are you hearing this? Like, he's literally
saying that he's going to go for a movie instead
of doing that. I do actually, I do find it quite
nice to hear you, you know, working together.
Because, like, I really appreciate his, like,
military presence, and I think, like, oh, this
is going to sound so cringe, but, like... All
right, children, I'm back. Dad, do you want...
I know, I'm back, I'm back. Dad, you really don't
appreciate how your children... I've dispatched
my snooker buddies. And the gun's back for anyone
who wants to use it. I never liked them. Good
job. Honestly, I think your friends are problematic,
Dad, so I'm really happy for you. And you know
what, Samantha? I know right now I say I'm going
to go to a movie, but I think if you ask me again,
once you're holding the gun, I respond to that
better. Well, this is going to sound really cringe,
but I know you're my older brother, I think,
but like... Honestly, I really appreciate your
presence in, like, all military regimes that
I'm trying to, like, pursue. And, like, I feel
like it's kind of cringe to say it, but I really
want you there by my side. Okay, well, I didn't
know that. I didn't know it was that important
to you. Yeah, no, I can be there. Thank you so
much. We are strong and we stick together as
a family. Thank you so much. Hello, mother. Hello,
father. Is anyone using the family gun? Who the
fuck is... This? Mum? It is me, Corey. Corey,
it's a bit of a shock to see you. Mum, who is
this? It is me, little brother. You might have
been a bit too young since last time he was here.
Who is this? Corey. I have no recollection of
who this is. You were like three when he was
last here? I feel like I remember if I had another
sibling when I was three. I don't think I was
three. I have moustache now. Oh. And I like gun?
Please. We've just been over. He has to be part
of our family. He loves guns. I love gun. Mom,
who is this? The thing is, this is, you know,
my other child. He just shows up every 6 .5 years.
Every 6 .5 years when money run out. I am not
secret agent. It's astonishingly regular. WTF.
What the actual heck? Who wants to watch? You
want to watch? What do you say, Charlie? You
want to watch? Well, I want to know if these
are licensed and official. 100 % official, licensed,
Rolex, Breitling, Tag Heuer, all of them straight
off the shelf. I just happen to have them on
my trench coat because my sister took my stall.
I'm an honest hustler. I'm an honest person.
I'm just trying to sell you a good quality watch.
This is your first lesson, Charlie. As Neighborhood
Watch, sometimes it's important to support local
businesses, even if this man is extremely suspect.
Hey, if you guys are from Neighborhood Watch,
why not get yourself... A neighbourhood watch.
Am I right? Very good. Very nice and very charming,
but Derek, this isn't my first rodeo. I'm familiar
with our friend here from other Facebook groups
for selling counterfeit watches. That's my side
puzzle. On my side I sell counterfeit watches.
My day job is selling genuine, real, artefact
watches. And granted, it is half two in the day.
Half two? Like I say, I would be selling these
on a stall, but for the fact that my sister stole
my stall. But what is passing off one or two
counterfeit watches as the legitimate thing during
the day? Illegitimately passing off fake watches.
How dare you, sir? I'm only doing my due diligence
as neighborhood watch. All right, governor. Can
I have some counterfeit watches, if you know
what I mean? What are you going to do, friend?
You're not meant to be out at this time of day.
Why have you got a ball and chain on your ankle?
Look, it's took me ages to get here. I need some
counterfeit watches. Good friend, who I've never
met before in my life, I would like to direct
you to maybe a business that operates from the
hours of 8pm to 4 .55am. I don't see the sun.
Who knows what time it could be with the equinox
coming up. I see you, sir, are sporting the old
Atlas watch that relies very much on the sun
itself. He is a follower of the pagan religion.
We don't need to bring religion into this. I
just want to know if you're going to sell this
guy a counterfeit watch? Good day! Hello! I'm
looking to buy a watch for my wife. I almost
couldn't see you. It's very dark. The afternoon's
really, really dark. However, since I have found
you at last, I would like a very nice watch for
my wife. I reckon as you, you do the weather,
don't you? Oh, I do do the weather. Yes, I love
to do the weather. I can say you authentic. Tag
heller. Brightling. Cassios? I don't mean to
bring class into this scenario, but I was here
first. My good friend, whomst I have never seen
before. I don't want to bring class into it either,
but I could almost definitely say I have more
money. Than him. They say that, but they have
more liquidated assets. I have free illegal car
washes. One has not been accused of being liquidated
for years. I went to rehab. I will fucking liquidate
you, sunshine, if you don't let me buy a counterfeit
watch. I would like to say this to the large
crowd that has gathered. I have one really premium
Rolex here. I want to know if it's good for my
wife. Will it fit her dainty wrist? Where's your
fucking wife? Leave my fucking wife out of it.
Excuse me, can we settle down for one minute?
I have taken a record of all the things that
have been spoken about today. I will bring them
back to the Neighborhood Watch to see if we can
continue with Neighborhood Watches as the term
goes. Please refrain from any purchases of legitimate
or illegitimate timepieces for the foreseeable.
I don't mean to bring class into this, but I'm
leaving grade A plastic explosive right here
with a time -sensitive trigger. And how are you
using that time -sensitive trigger, sir? Would
you like to see a Breitling, a Tag Hauer? This
is neighborhood watch business. A swatch, perhaps?
We're quite capable of arming our own explosives.
Now, once the sun comes out, this bad boy's going
to blow. So you better watch out is what I'm
saying. Can our interest use in the Casio glow
back backlight watch? You can also do your taxes
on it. Charlie, I think we've done all we can.
I don't know. I'm quite interested in the calculator.
I'm still waiting on a fucking counterfeit. Wink,
wink. Fucking what? I've never met you before
in my life, good sir, who I've met for the first
time. No, so take this fucking money. So I'll
see you after 12pm. Oh, I'm going down the pub,
innit? So you're telling me that you have a freaking
other freaking child? I am sorry. Mom, I'm trying
not to freaking swear right now. Like, honestly,
I'm in freaking shock. I know what happened last
time he was here. You were skiing. I was skiing?
Yes, yeah. Oh, yes. What the actual heck? How
much fun. We could go to some sort of resort
together sometime. Big sister. See, isn't this
fun? A second brother. Mum, for frick's sake,
I thought I was the freaking youngest child and
you're freaking telling me that I have a freaking
younger brother who wants to go skiing with me?
You know how, like, literal, like, awful I am
at freaking skiing? Are you being for freaking
real? Okay, Corey didn't know that. Never know,
darling. For heck's sake, mum. He might be worse
than you and then you'll look fantastic. Are
you bad at skiing? I have never skied in my life.
I just thought Bond might be nice. Is gun being
used? Mom, he's literally trying to steal my
freaking gun. And I'm not even being freaking
serious right now. I need that freaking gun.
I'm trying to bring order to this freaking society.
Like, I'm trying not to swear. I'm trying to
go by your rules. I'm trying by your rules, as
I usually try and do. But you're telling me you
have another freaking child? Honestly, Mom, what
the heck? The thing is, Corey, we're pleased
to see you, as always. Hello, Mother. Hello,
Father. On the back of a long discussion we've
just had about the gun. I did not mean to cause
concern. I just take gun and we can discuss other
time. Well, I'm afraid we've actually agreed
on the gun schedule for today. This is fair and
reasonable. Right. Okay. My enemies can wait.
Would you like to put in a proposal for your
use of the gun maybe tomorrow? Corey, who are
your enemies? I feel like since we're, I don't
know, like family team. Mum, this is like too
fresh for you to be making freaking jokes about
this. Right, since we're siblings, who are your
enemies? I have enemies in government. Okay,
in all fairness, that sounds promising. Ah, look
at these lovely chrysanthemums. They're so colourful.
And nice. And I just... It's quite clear down
the line, right? I'm so glad I planted them.
We can see her googling the flower. She quickly
doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm not
sure what she thinks a chrysanthemum is. I love
the fact they're so colourful. She's not getting
reception. Oh, there's so many petals on this.
I think the sun's suspicious going on. It's really
sad to watch. I love the fact they come in multiple
colours. Not sure if it's sad. It's... It's quite
suspicious, as I said, Simon. I think so. Is
she trying to impress someone? I don't see anyone
else about. Is it you? No one's ever tried to
impress me. Well, Simon, you've got this magnetic
sexuality to you. Thank you. You're welcome.
I just love the fact that they are anti -inflammatory
and antibacterial and perhaps even heck. Anti
-cancer. Maybe she's a witch. Could be a witch.
They have so many amino acids. What do we do
to witches? Do we burn them? I think we... No.
Good, good. I don't want to burn them. I'm really
sorry, guys. I'm just overhearing you. I'm trying
to have a moment. My beloved chrysanthemums.
That was just it. We're not too sure if they
are chrysanthemums or you're looking at them.
I think I know what chrysanthemums look like.
I think I know what colours they come in and
I think I know their properties. It just looked
like you were trying to Google it and you had
difficulty spelling it. Yeah, we can see the
light reflected up on your face. I was texting
my brother about the chrysanthemums. I was just
letting him know about their anti -cancer capabilities,
actually, and antibacterial. Does your brother
have cancer? No, I don't have cancer, but I just
got a text saying how beautiful these chrysanthemums
are and I'm so glad you... See, Darren, see,
I was texting Darren, my brother, and I was just
telling him about the anti -cancer capabilities
of my chrysanthemums. It's truly incredible.
The results are better than medicine. If Darren
is in the garden next door, why don't you just
shout at him? We do not shout in our households.
My parents raised me on that. Did your parents
shout in your household? Is that why you use
such harsh words? Hey, hey, hey! The Neighbourhood
Watch. We're the ones to ask the questions, aren't
we, Simon? We are indeed. Okay, you're trying
to be an authority figure here, but... We are
an authority figure. If we weren't an authority
figure, we wouldn't be sharing a pair of nunchucks.
Yeah. Bask in the glory of our authority. Excuse
me, ma 'am, ma 'am, ma 'am. I believe our session's
nearly up and my shoulders are still inflamed.
Have you picked those plants you were talking
about? Lower your voice. I'm sorry. Because we
don't shout in this place. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Am I to understand that you're running some sort
of clinic here? Do you have a permit for that?
Well, it's private property, isn't it? So I'm
allowed to cure people if I so wish. Nice if
you try it. I'm flamed up over here. Just give
it two to three... and I think you're going to
have a shoulder that doesn't look so deformed.
Simon, I think she's a quack. She's a quack and
she can't recognise dandelions from chrysanthemums.
These are not dandelions. They're quite clear
dandelions. I was not googling what they look
like. They look like the picture on your phone.
And I know what chrysanthemums look like. I'm
something of a botanist. You're not a very good
botanist. No. Are you Neighbourhood Watch or
are you just Neighbourhood Bullies? Hey, this
is a part -time gig for us. Neighbourhood Bullies.
Neighbourhood Bullies. Neighbourhood Bullies.
Neighbourhood Bullies. It feels like something
for, like, small claims court. I don't think
this is within our authority. I'm sorry, you
think I have a case? I think you do have a case.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I do. Hey, look, the clock's
ticking. Your arm looks like an elephant's trunk,
sir. I'm also, I am concerned that you promised
antiviral, antibacterial, anti -cancer. And I'm
not sure... Allegedly. Sometimes with science,
you have to do a bit of guesswork. Yeah, but
two to three years of guesswork seems pretty
crazy. I'm sorry your shoulder looks so deformed
and so weird. Yeah, it is looking weird. I'm
trying my best. It's not that weird. It is. It
is. At least you've got some flowers on you now.
You look so much prettier instead of your deformed
arm. Isn't that nice? Isn't that something the
Neighbourhood Watch can get behind? Not really,
no. Not even a little bit. No, you're a quack.
What if she did the other arm up the same way?
No. I don't think it would help. At least they'd
match. Do you think it will cause the other one
to become deformed? I don't know. I did not deform
his arm. I did not deform his arm. I think the
Neighbourhood Watch should really... And I don't
want to use bad words here, but, like, back the
heck off. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I
am apoplectic. Sorry, what was your name again?
Margaret. Margaret, we're going to have to put
in a complaint about you. Yeah, I'm sorry where
I come from. We respect people of the law. Very
sad news. The chrysanthemums are withering because
of our harsh, loud words. Oh, my God. I think
that's the least of your worries, Margaret. You're
screaming. Margaret, you're going to have to
come with us. Margaret, you're going to have
to come with us. Stop resisting arrest. Stop,
the roses are going to wilt. The roses are going
to wilt. We're going to wrap your hands up in
the nunchucks. The roses are going to wilt. Hiya,
it's me, Jason. Is anyone using the family gun?
Jason. Are you being for real? You told Jason
about a freaking gun. Jason is no family. My
brother, my Russian brother. I thought we were
meeting at laser tag today. No, I'm here for
the family gun. We've already talked about the
family gun. Who do you want to kill? Because
we're literally about to kill the education minister,
the finance minister, the treasurer. Can you
honestly be fucking real right now? I tell you
who I'm killing right now. It's everyone in this
room. I would put it to slaying. Honestly, Jason,
you are a freaking hoot. You're so fucking funny
right now. Sorry for swearing, but can we hang
out after? Can I give you my Instagram? Oh, my
God, he's such a hoot. Big bro there, was this
your target? How do you know that you weren't
there for that discussion? I listen always. You
were going to freaking kill Jason. I didn't say
I was... Right, can you literally kill... I don't
alert your enemies beforehand. Right, but honestly,
Jason is such, like, good fun. Like, he honestly
takes me to, like, the best parties and everything.
Thank you. Exactly. No, we are in disagreement.
Why are you killing him? Okay. You are not using
mom and dad's gun to literally kill Jason. It's
a family gun. That is so fucking annoying. It's
been in our family for five generations. Literally
don't even do it. It's not mom and dad's gun.
It's everyone's gun. If Jason touches family
gun, we have a right to murder. Don't literally
tell him that. I'm not being funny. Mom, he's
literally telling me to freaking kill Jason.
I am very much part of his family. And Jason
is literally my freaking friend. Fuck you guys.
Mom, can you actually deal with this? Because
I literally can't because I'm going to freak
out if you don't. freaking deal with it right
now. We were working together so well five minutes
ago. It was such nice teamwork. I am sorry. I
have caused consternation in family once again.
I actually think it was Jason's fault. Corey,
don't change. Jason, please change. No. Jason,
don't change. Change, Jason. Change from living
to dead. Thank you, Corey. I feel like if we
unite and we can take the gun, do you want to
kill the treasurer? Jason, I wish you were away
every 6 .5 years. Honestly, Stop being mean to
Jason. He's honestly so lovely to me. You are
such a diva. I love you so much. Thank you, Sleigh
Queen. Sweetie, I'm afraid I have to agree with
the boys on this one. Jason's really irritating.
Oh my, are you being freaking for real right
now? He's literally my best freaking friend.
I honestly don't even freaking care. Okay, he's
two years older than me, but honestly, in school,
he's such a freaking ally. The last time? Corey,
shut the frick up. You don't even freaking come
from here. You literally come from Russia. No
offense, no xenophobia. This is learned. No xenophobia.
I don't need any xenophobia. He's literally Russian.
This is a learned accent. Right, you're my freaking
secret brother, so can you please, like, stop
being so freaking problematic right now? Last
time you weren't here, you were skiing. Jason
was here natter natter all day long. Just wouldn't
shut up. And I said, if only there was war and
we could have a reason for murder. Corey, I'm
not being even, like, serious right now. I know
you're my, I suppose, like, my... younger secret
russian brother so much leather sister who i
have seen twice in your leaf we text about you
all the time cory right if you want to use the
gun we can both use the freaking gun okay but
do not speak badly about jason he is one of my
best friends and like i'm going into right you
don't know this because you're my russian secret
brother who i've just freaking met i'm going
to six from next year and i don't know if you
know what that means It means that I have to
really practice being freaking cool. And I'm
not being serious right now, but I really need
this. I really need this. So, Corey, could you
please, like, calm down? We can assassinate the
treasurer of the government together, but you
do not speak badly about Jason. Am I really clear
right now? This is honestly fair family discussion.
I have missed these, no? I know. I'm really proud
of our debating skills. Can I suggest one final
thing? We all vote on whether or not I get to
shoot Jason. You may be wondering, what was the
head of the neighborhood watch doing this evening
as his patrols uncovered dodgy watches and flowers?
He had another dodgy character he had to keep
an eye on. His own father. Hey, hey Clem. Clem.
Clem, come here. Clem. Clem, I've just been sitting
outside my dad's house here for the past two
hours and there's lights on there. Have you seen
him? Have you seen him being up to anything?
Have you seen your dad? Yeah, my father, my sire.
Yeah, I've seen your dad. Do you know he's been
doing anything weird? What do you call weird?
He watched Neighbours and that wasn't that strange.
He watched Neighbours? He watched Neighbours
and then I saw him get a cup of tea and that
wasn't that weird. Alright, well after 2 .30pm,
well, oh okay, after Neighbours and then after
Doctors, what did he do after that? Because I
know he's doing something in that garage of his
and I... Oh, the noises. Yeah. The noises. No,
don't worry about that. He won't let me in, and
I'm sorry. No, I don't think, Jack, it's your
place to be, to be anywhere near that garage.
No, I need to know. He's a criminal. He's not
a criminal. He's had a criminal past. He's not
a criminal. He's had a criminal past. And he
treated my mama wrong, and I'm not convinced
he's going to continue. Son. Son. Oh. You there.
Don't be talking to him. You watching. You watching
me. Um, um... Papa. You best not be watching.
No, I know you're doing something in there, in
that garage. You what? You know? You think you
know what I'm up to? No, I know you're doing
something, but I don't know the... Yeah, you
don't think nothing, do you? I don't know the
specifics, Dad. Yeah, you don't know fucking
nothing. Don't speak to me like that. You don't
know nothing. John, John, leave the boy alone.
No. Clem, Clem, stay out of this. You're only
an uncle. This is a family affair. No. No, Clem.
No. We're back to this. When we were children.
You and me, Clem. I'm looking after your son.
I'm trying to steer him away. I'm trying to steer
him away. I'll look after you. You wish you would
look after me in a non -sexual way. I'll look
after you, Clem. Hey, I have the full authority
of the neighbourhood watch behind my back. One
of my friends has Semtex'd her. So if you don't
open up that garage and let me... Oh yeah? What
are you going to do? Well, I'll take this baton
out of my tight peach trousers. You know what?
You take your baton out of that tight peach.
I want to see what you do with it. No! John,
you don't want us to eat, John! Look, everyone,
that man's taking his cock out. No, I'm... Form
a cloud. No, I'm not, I swear. The peach -coloured
trousers is very different to my skin, and the
big, large thing is a baton. Why is it a peach
baton? Well, it was two for one deal. But look,
I'm not that big. I just, this isn't, it's too
big to be... Look, I don't need to explain this
family business. He's told everyone he has a
small peach cock, everyone. He's my son, then!
Darling, you're humiliating him. Leave him alone.
Come on. He's humiliating himself. No, I'm not.
He's trying. You're trying, son. You're trying.
Why are we bringing the family business out into
the street? Graham, stay out of this. Look, I
just want to put everyone here. I'm not trying
to put my nose in. The boy asked the boy. I asked
what the boy was doing. Yes, son. What's he doing
in that garage? I know he's doing something fishy
in there, mommy. He won't let me see either.
Every time I go in, I'm putting a wee blindfold
on me. Oh. No, see, I knew you weren't treating
her right. You let me in that house. She's in
there for an hour a day and you think I'm treating
her wrong? Dad, no. Dad, don't. You tell me exactly
what I'm doing wrong and I'll take this neighborhood
watch and we'll see what you're doing. Son, don't
worry. It's the best hour of my day. Oh, no,
Ma. I don't want to hear that either. Mob, I've
made a horrible decision. Let us disassemble
and discuss this later. No, Mom, come back. Get
all of you back here. Dinner will be at seven,
son. Am I allowed in the house? You're allowed
in the house. You're my son. You're my kin, aren't
you? Thank you, Dad. You have to sit in the dining
room, though. But I'll ask you, are you going
to defy me? Are you going to ask me my business?
No, not in your house. No, you're not, are you?
Not in your house. You're not going to ask me
my business. So what's with all this neighborhood
watch business? Your house, your rules, but...
My house, my street, my world! No. No, duh. No,
that's really wrong. That's right. That's right.
Now you learn your bliss. And your house... Do
you know your bliss? No, in your house I do,
but in this street, I am the head. This street's
my place too, is it not? Are you saying the street's
not my place? Can I not live on the street? Can
I not be on the street? Is that what you're saying
to me, son? Are you saying I can't go onto the
street? No, you're allowed onto the street. You're
not allowed to paint it or anything, but you
can be on it. Uh, Radio Jack from, uh, Derek?
How's it going, Derek? How's it going? Uh, might
be good to have mentioned, I put little bricks
of Semtex in your dad's shoes. In my dad's shoes.
Do it, son. Do it. Free us from this. Do it.
If you want to... What's that look in your eye,
son? I've not seen this look before. Why don't
you just explode all over the... If you want
to be on the street so much, you can be all over
the fucking street. You can be all over. I've
been killed? Hello and welcome back to another
season of Dumb Bracken. I am very, very pleased
that you're here. And if you have enjoyed this,
please do... Tell people, review it on iTunes
and Spotify. We've been getting some lovely reviews
from people in the past couple of months, and
that really just made my week for quite a while
at one point. There's been a few just really,
really fucking lovely reviews, and that means
the world. The war stuff is just a little miniseries
I thought would be fun to do at the start of
this season after how last season ended. Everyone
just started knocking it out of the park. Gave
me a bunch of brilliant, brilliant scenes to
work with. So it kind of blew up from one episode
that was supposed to be 30 minutes long into
four episodes that all are about 45 minutes.
Every time someone is funny on this show, they
give me more work to do. So yes, all four episodes
of the War miniseries, which is the opening to
Season 3, they will be released on a weekly schedule.
Sort of weekly. I'm deliriously tired. I've been
working on this for too long into nights. Because
I have a lot of episodes finished for season
three. About six episodes ready to go. But not
the war ones. Crucially, I don't have the first
few episodes of the season complete. But my life
is about to change significantly as I am moving
to America. So what does that mean for this podcast?
I don't think it changes. Well, what that means
for the podcast is nothing. But it means that
I will probably have less time to do the podcast.
So in preparation for that, instead of weekly
releases, I'm going to be moving to fortnightly
releases. But what else do you need to know?
Yes, this episode featured. Ah, who did it featured?
Featured a fucking all -star cast of, like, a
lot of people. It had, because I didn't do this
last episode either, but it had Patrick Meyer,
Laura Conlon, Niall McKenna, where is the rest
of the list? Amelia Price, Rachel Coulter, David
McCauley, Marcus Keeley, Aaron Marshall, and
that is all of the usual. unusual they are all
voices you've heard before wonderful returning
voice talents but we also had three new people
that you will hear over the next few episodes
as I've recorded more and more stuff with different
people you heard Claire Thompson you heard Robbie
Robinson and you heard Aidan Kelly for the first
time this episode so we have a lot of new voices
And that's very exciting. A lot of new, fresh
talent coming in in Season 3. I love just listening
to these funny fuckers just being themselves
and having a laugh. Being themselves is the exact
opposite of what they're doing. But they are
the funniest people I know, and I love getting
the chance to build a show around the funniest
people. And if you're curious right now as to
the music and stuff that's happening... The two
main songs, opening and closing credits, are
both by Conor Mallon, and the album you can check
out is Unearthed, and honestly, you fucking should.
It is an incredible, incredible album. The song
that you're hearing right now is called 144,
and it is a beauty. I might start even changing
the opening credits into different songs of his,
because I just love them so, so much. I think
they're so good. Check that out. And what else
do I need to say? Do I need to say anything else?
I don't think so. So enjoy the next two episodes.
They'll be releasing in the next two weeks. And
then we'll be going to a fortnightly release
schedule for the rest of this season. But enjoy
season three. I am excited. There are honestly
some of my favorite ever scenes have been recorded
here. And I'm so excited for you to get the chance
to hear them. I can't wait to finish them. God,
it takes so much work to put together a podcast.
And join us next week for the never -ending saga
of four parts.