I'm really sorry if I've come to the wrong place
here, but I got this letter in a mail and it
says I've been conscripted? Yeah. Yeah, what's
that all about? Yeah, you've been conscripted.
What's unclear about that? Well, first of all,
I didn't realize I could be conscripted. If you
could just take your clothes off and step on
the scales there for us. Oh, well, I've come
to challenge it. You can leave your underwear
on, but, you know. But I don't have to. Well,
that's up to you. I mean, I don't really want
to fight in a war, to be quite honest. Well,
it's too bad you've been conscripted. Now, is
that optional or is that like... Is this like
jury duty? It's kind of like jury duty, except
you can't get out of it. I was going to say,
I got out of jury duty on account of my political
views. You're a weak man. I'm hoping I can get
out of the war on account of my political views.
How's that going to work, do you think? Well,
I said during the journey that I would happily
shoot anyone who disagrees with me, so I've...
But that's perfect for the war, like... Is it
now? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what we need
in a soldier. Oh, usually I'm happy to hear that,
but on account of the situation, I'm not. Well,
so you're going to just change your political
views, are you? Well, I don't know which side
of the war you're conscribing me to, for the
beginning. Yeah, you conscripted... Can I pick
a side? Can you pick a side? Yeah, I think we
just need to kind of stock up both, to be honest.
Is it just like fitting me a uniform and handing
me a gun? I suppose, like, if you put, like,
on a civilian outfit or, like, if you join the
police or something, you know, it doesn't really
matter. You're saying we make sickness here because
I wasn't allowed to join the police previously.
Yeah, but it's different now. That wasn't wartime.
Yeah, we didn't ask for you then. So how come
I can join the police during war? It's technically
a military police now. What's the difference?
Well, you're conscripted now. Are you fucking
thick? I am a wee bit, to be honest. Oh, right.
Sorry, I've been coming off too hard on you then.
Don't apologize. You got it right. The small
rock of drunken horses off the far side of the
coast of Iceland is no stranger to civil wars.
There was the Nine Years' War of 1594 which was
narrowly defeated by the Eleven Years' War of
1641 in a battle that spanned almost two years.
There was the Irish Rebellion of 1798 and the
Irish Rebellion of 1803, and the Irish Rebellion
of 1848, and the Irish Rebellion of 1864. Not
to forget the Easter Rising, the Irish Rebellion
of 1916, and of course the Irish Revolutionary
War, the Irish Rebellion of 1919. Then there
was the Irish Civil War of 1922, and the 30 -year
civil war known as the Troubles in the late 20th
century. For almost 30 years, Ireland has remained
a somewhat peaceful state. That all changed in
November 2024, in the small landlocked seaside
border town of Dunbraken. What started as a fun
and joyous day celebrating the birthday of the
town's mayor ended in tragedy. We were just having
fun. There were amusements, a bunch of stalls.
Time was completely packed. It was wonderful
to see. I was a clown. I love being a clown.
You never get to be a clown on a normal day.
But there I was, just being a clown. I felt so
free. A free clown. It was my weekend with the
kids, you know, and to this festival that the
mayor had put on in his own honour, that was
just the thing that I needed to, you know, to
get one over on my ex -wife. I could finally
be the fun one, you know. I could finally be
the one who could get a goldfish for once, for
the kids. My ex -wife has sold me a goddamn goldfish.
I was chosen as the one prisoner allowed out
for the day to attend the birthday celebrations.
And I just entered the raffle on a whim, you
know? Never thought in my wildest dreams I could
be chosen. Couldn't believe my luck. And on the
day I was scheduled to be put to death too. Now,
looking back, I wish I'd been put in that chair.
I don't really know what happened. One moment,
everyone was partying and having fun. I was getting
an incredible reaction as a clown. I had just
made the most impressive balloon gazebo. The
next moment, I was running for my life, dodging
shrapnel and bullets as balloons popped all around
me. And my gazebo was torn to shreds. The police
just turned on everyone. I'd never seen anything
like it. Even though I wasn't supposed to be
killed by firing squad, I just assumed that the
bullets were for me. But I was wrong. Someone
said the mayor, who no one even saw on the day,
just snapped. He was just screaming down the
phone to his assistant. I just happened to be
an earshot, I gotta say. I was mighty impressed.
I haven't heard someone scream down the phone
with that much vitriol in a long, long time.
And I, you know, I'm the principal of the high
school, so I scream down the phone to a lot of
parents, a lot of teachers. Down the intercom
sometimes, I scream in the faces of children.
You know, if somebody needs a good scream, they
need a good scream. And this assistant, he was
clearly, he clearly wasn't doing his job, you
know. So he got a good bollocking. Got a good
ear -licking bollocking, I tell you that much
for free. Aye, then, after that bollocking he
got, the assistant, he just stormed the stage.
And he was, oh, he was fiery in his temples,
I tell you. He was, he was an excitable man.
Small man. Thin man, but... There was an anger
behind the eyes that made him grow ten feet tall,
you know? It's nice when you see a small man
get big. He punched the lead singer of Freaky
Nipples. Slugged him right then and there. He
took the mic and claimed that we weren't celebrating
the mayor in the right way? I'm not one for demanding
people venerate me, but I suppose if I was the
mayor and I wanted veneration, I'd tell a lie.
There was the school play that they wrote that
I demand it be about me. It was about this man
with a lovely, lovely coat. And I said, well,
I have a lovely, lovely coat, and I have 17 brothers
as well, so why don't you just make it about
me? So there it was, Principal Brown in his lovely,
lovely coat. It was a critical darling. We got
marzipan in on it. It was some job, I tell you.
But he says hi. He didn't like how people were
celebrating him. And you know, I've got to say,
I agree with that. I don't know if I was wanting
the veneration and people weren't giving me enough
celebration. I'd be loving it too. And I've got
to say, after Principal Brown and his lovely,
lovely coat was done, I didn't know that there
was enough applause. And if I had known that
I could start a war to get more applause, I probably
would have done it, you know? And he grabbed
the mic and the chairman, he just started screaming,
saying, He said, you know, I see it all the time.
You get bullied, you're bullied. You know, so
he started screaming to the crowd saying, you're
not, you're not, you're not celebrating in the
right way. And he said, until that train falls,
you're going to celebrate. I mean, what does
that even mean? Suddenly there's a right way
to celebrate now? What nonsense is that? I was
definitely celebrating. I was supposed to have
been killed by lethal injection by electric chair.
And there I was. Winning a free bag of popcorn
on the shooting range. I was celebrating right.
People started booing and things were getting
a bit restless. You could feel everyone was on
edge. And I don't know if it was an order from
the mayor or a panicked decision from the overworked
assistant. Amongst the cacophony of boos, the
assistant just started screaming and then...
It happened. I'm not even sure who did it, but
someone threw a brick. I think. And then the
police just opened fire. It was chaos. Panic.
People running for their lives. Now, I've seen
some heinous shit, being in prison for life,
waiting to be executed and all that. Hell, I've
done some horrifying things too. But I'd never
seen anything like this. Families and children
were there. It was horrific. My ex -wife, you
think my ex -wife would ever let me live it down
if one of my children got shot by the police?
No, she'd be like, see, I told you I was the
fun one. And I can't come back from that. Thankfully,
I made it out in time. I looked like a real hero,
to be honest. I looked like a hero for the kids.
And I think it's really, it put me in good stead
with them. Because they always saw me as just
a lawyer. Who gets criminals off. So Sharon can
suck it. You know. I kept them safe. I did. They
might be stuck in a war zone and can't go home.
But they're safe god damn it. And I won't let
anything happen to them. Because she can't come
into the town. Because there's a war on. It's
not safe for her to just come into the town.
So the kids are here until further notice I guess.
I was begging to be put back into prison. This
was the day of my execution, but I couldn't let
my final meal be some barely heated dinky donuts.
I was supposed to have a full ulster fry! When
that first bullet went off, this small, sleepy
seaside town was rocked and changed forever.
The mayor has since claimed that since the train
full of helium flew into the sky on his birthday,
his birthday and the accompanying celebrations
would continue until it fell, signifying the
end of his day. The people, upon hearing this,
rebelled, and after two days of riots, martial
law was declared. In the preceding days, an all
-out war would come to this large landlocked
town. I was supposed to be killed until dead
that day. Now, 44 days past execution, I'm stuck
fighting in a war that I don't even understand.
I don't even know what side I'm fighting for.
All I know is that it continues until the tree
infalls. Until the dream falls. That became somewhat
of a mantra on both sides, willing them both
on to win this war. On the mayor's side, the
ideal to get celebrated in the right and correct
and just way. For the people, the deposition
of an egomaniac terrorising the town. As long
as that train stays in the sky, the mayor demands
honouring. And as long as the mayor demands honouring,
the people will fight. Three months on. This
is the story of the people living through Ireland's
first civil war of the 21st century. A war set
to continue indefinitely until one thing occurs.
The mayor is celebrated. Or he dies. Or the train
falls. One thing and one thing only. Until the
train falls. Welcome to war. Until the train
falls. Hey, Jami, my son just came back from,
you know, from your house, and you know why my
store's been looted? Have you been looting it?
A bit. What's a bit? You know, like, time spirit.
It's not right. We're all having a go. We're
all having a go, but we're not looting each other's
stores. That's implicit. No, well, you know,
I don't want to show too much of a bias and actively
avoid people either, you know? Like, I want to...
Well, you could show a bit of bias. I don't want
to give too much thought to the looting because
then it will come back to bite me. You know what
I mean? Okay, you say that. It was a piano. Some
false was put into this. Yeah, I... There was
transport involved. I had a couple guys. I had
a van, yeah. I just... It's not right. I have
a kid who's very happy, you know? He's not good.
He's not good. No, he's not. No, I mean... No,
he's not good. He's glowing, though. I've never
seen him happier. He's happy, but Jesus. And
I said that would happen if you buy a piano.
Hey, guys. Sorry, there was talk of a piano.
Will it be used? Could I have it? No, he's, well,
he's practicing. I just need something heavy.
I'm setting a trap, and I need something heavy
enough to crush a man. Okay, here's what you
want to do. There's a blacksmith, right? Yeah.
I'd say, you've got a van, right? I said, well,
you loot the anvil. I looted the van. Oh, the
anvil's a good idea. Oh, you looted the van.
Yeah. That's a fun thing to steal. The piano
I don't like. Yeah, you're just annoyed because
it was your piano. Yeah, yeah. It's from your
stock. It's just... We said we'd loot together.
Oh, wow. I've said that to a lot of people, you
know? Really? Yeah. Okay. Classic Johnny. I didn't
know that you were just like waiting up on me.
Go live your life. Loot some shit, you know?
Okay, well, I mean... Go steal some crisps. You
want to go loot the anvil? Crisps? Start small.
You don't seem like a... I feel like the anvil
feels like a fun place to start. Yeah, all right.
There's one policeman I'm trying to kill. Let's
be blunt, it's wartime. I'm trying to kill a
policeman. With an anvil? I needed something
big. An anvil works. I'm trying to set a trap.
Okay. So that I am completely plausible deniability.
How many people have you told this plan to? I've
been asking around for heavy things. For anvils,
yeah. Well, I suppose he was looking for a piano
previously. I suppose. I just was walking by
and I heard you mention a piano. Listen, like,
if he doesn't pass his grade one, you can have
the piano. I've given him that ultimatum. How
long will that be? Because I need to kill Jack
as soon as possible. Oh, it's Jack you're killing?
Yeah. I'll help with that. Oh, really? Yeah.
He's got really uppity, I think, since martial
law. And so he's like, I can arrest you for whatever
I want. And I think it's time to... Can I be
honest? He's been saying that pre -martial law.
That's true. He's been saying that all the time.
He clamped me outside my own house once. Really?
Yeah. What for? Blocking an ambulance. That seems...
Well, the ambulance then can't get out. That's
what I said. I also said, you know, like, I wasn't
at home. So I didn't know I was blocking it.
Yeah, how did the ambulance get in there, you
know? There's so many questions. I feel like
I could have argued this in court. Did an ambulance
park in your driveway and you just parked up
and went about your day? Like, what is this?
Yeah, yeah. Look, I came home. I parked this
at my home. Realized I forgot something in the
shop, so I went for a wee walk. And I came back
and my car was coming. Unbelievable. Yeah. Look
at this. You got yourself a looting buddy. You
don't need me. Well, it is an envelope. We do
need Warden, too. Yeah. Johnny, if you were in,
like, that thing. I can ring around some people,
see where the van is at the moment. Oh, you don't
have it right now. We looted it together. Yeah,
it's a timeshare. Oh, people are using the van?
I don't know. It could just be sitting there.
It's not one of my vans, is it? Listen. Oh, come
on. I wasn't paying much attention to the logo
on the side of the van. There's only so many
vans that a piano would fit in. I'm the one for
the music shop. It's custom. Yeah, it's expressly
built for. It is an envelope crate van. Like,
it can support a lot of weight. I could loot
the blacksmith's van. And then. Yeah, that's
the attitude. I forget that blacksmiths have
vans, you know. Yeah. It feels like they should
have horse and carriage. It does, doesn't it?
Yeah, you know what? I say we get a taxi there
and steal the van when we're over there. Yeah,
that's nice. Okay. You sure you don't want in?
You know what? I'm good. I made some plans with
some buddies. Okay, well, enjoy. Now. In a vague
and general direction. No, no, no. Which store
are you looting? No, I don't know. It's not my
kind of shoes. Okay, it's just your daughter's
been looking at guitar lessons. She's been looking
on Facebook Marketplace and there just isn't
a guitar that's taking her fancy. Okay, we need
to stop by my shop and I need to grab and lock
up a few things, but then we can head out. Yeah,
that's fine with me. Well, if you're going in,
I can jump in and then get out there. That makes
sense. No, you gotta loot the guitar. I know
it. How can I loot it if you're there? That's
the trick at which it leaves. What? I didn't
follow that either. He'll lock up. I'll see how
he locks up. Sorry, I really shouldn't be spilling
my secrets. I think we both know what's going
to happen. Listen, I'm just Josh, and I'm just,
you know. I know you're stressed. You think I
have a real vendetta for taking the instruments
from your shop. And you know what? If there was
another music shop in town, I'd target them.
All right. All right, you can come with us. Okay,
you can watch me lock up, but you do have to
help us lift the envelope. That's fair trading,
I think. Alright. Alright, well that's that.
Not everyone is against the inherent violence
of war. Some people have been waiting a long
time for their chance to spray bullets. Looks
like it's finally happening. It's what we've
been waiting for. It's what we've been training
for. I've been working forearms this week, boys.
Forearms? They're glistening. For the trigger
finger. You are dripping with sweat, my friend.
I want to shoot! You know what I don't like about
war, though? What? All these clothes we have
to wear. I agree. All this camouflage hides your
rippling bods. You know, Predator... Arnie's
there and he's walking around the jungle. He's
all naked from the torso up. And he's got his
bandeau of bullets on his back. Why are we not
doing that right now? That's what I was just
about to say. You need camouflage, body paint.
Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Body paint. Oh,
I thought you said volophon. I will paint your
body right now. I don't think there's enough
paint in this village to cover your traps, bro.
That is true, my friend. That is bloody true.
Gentlemen, I'm so glad we got you together. How
did you see us? You're very well hidden. However,
I am a spy. And it's wonderful I can see you
because I've been trained by the army. So, I've
been sent to you to tell you a very special mission.
Ma 'am, you have a mission for us? Might I just
say, ma 'am? Might I just say, your biceps. You
are jacked. You are so jacked. Oh, you're jacked.
Oh, lads, you must stop. Thank you so much. Your
mission is to invade France. Well done. You're
going to do amazing. Thank you so much. I'm off
now. Thank you, ma 'am. Thank you so much. Invade
France? We waited 19 years for a mission, lads.
Wait, sorry, 19 months here for a mission. It
felt like 19 years. It felt like 19 years, yeah.
And now, when a war breaks out, we're finally
getting one. Yeah, but we're going to France.
I mean, guys, I don't want to say it, but I've
got gym buddies here. I never thought about it
like that. We've all got gym buddies here. Of
course. What if the French don't like our gym
buddies? No, he's a buddy. He's got a gym body,
you know. So you're saying that we would have
to make French friends? I'm saying that I don't
want to have to lose my friends. Wait, actually,
it was invade France. It wouldn't be French.
So we'd have to find anyone jacked. It's all
right, guys. We can go. We can do this. We're
going to turn the French press. Back to a bench
press. Yes, my man. Genius. Your brain is as
tight as your muscles. But I do want to point
out, Swat, Swat, Swat, but one second, Swat,
Swat, wait, Swat, one second, Swat, I need to
say one thing, Swat. Bro, your vocal cords are
so jacked. Thank you. Why are we going to France
when the war is in Dumbraken? We can't turn down
a mission from a rippling facility figure. I
know. I feel bad questioning the motives. What
is going on with me? Are you saying that Uptop's
compromised, bro? No way, man. I've been working
out on my tops. It is not compromised. You are
not compromised in the slightest. Those doubts,
bro. Those doubts. Bro, if we stop trusting someone
rippled as all hell. Who do we trust? Who do
we start trusting? If anyone's got biceps, that
defined. I'm going to trust them. We're going
to France, boys. We're going to France. We're
going to France. It's been an honor serving with
you. Bonjour. Hey, I think I'm your partner.
Are you Dave Jones? Yeah, I suppose I am, yeah.
Yeah. I've been... I'm your partner for this.
Oh, that's nice. I didn't realize you got put
on up during the war. I know, yeah. It's nice,
isn't it? Were you conscripted too? I was conscripted.
I tried to get out of it. I tried to use my classic
jury duty lines, but... Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.
I copied your line. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Thank you.
Yeah, it worked. That's nice. Yeah. It worked
for jury duty, but not for this. No, they said
it was ideal, in fact. Yeah, I know. It's very
frustrating. There's one horse. I don't know
how you want to play it. Um... We shoot it at
the same time? What? Hmm? I'll be honest, I don't
care for horses. We have cars. But we haven't
got assigned a car. Do you have a car to drive
around? I got my own one. Oh, well. Not to brag.
Yeah, if you want to use your car on the war,
like, if you want to drive around, see if you
want to run into the enemy. No, just for, like,
transport. No, if you're going to use it on the
war... I don't care for the horse you gave us.
It has a bad attitude. Yeah, so I'm telling you,
you can use the car if you want. It's fine. But
you gotta hit an enemy. Anytime you activate
the car, you gotta go and drive it into them.
I actually like the horse, though. I have developed
quite a relationship and rapport with the horse.
Yeah, you know what? If you would stop interrupting
me, I'm not asking about the car. I'm asking
if we can get a trailer. Can we get a horse trailer?
Yeah, that's what I'm asking for. Oh, I'm so
sorry. You know what? After the war, you wanna
hang? I would love to. This would be nice. Do
we have the same conversation after we get out
of jury duty? No, I got questioned by the police
afterwards. On account of the things they said.
They thought I was just copying you, so I had
to lean into it. Oh, what you do there is you
say, but I don't have a gun, so I can't shoot
them. But I did. Oh, you had the gun, you waved
it around, you showed them? I didn't wave it,
I just, you know, lifted my jacket. Like they
do in the movies. In a threatening way? I was
just sort of showing them off. Oh, wow. I said
I don't have a gun, so although I would kill
someone, I can't because I don't have a gun.
I've got two if you want one. It's really interesting
what the war brings out in people, and it's really
nice to see your relationship developing. I really
think I'm thriving right now. Yeah. No, it's
nice. As a superior commanding officer, can I
have his gun? You didn't give me a gun. You gave
me a horse. I didn't realize you were my superior.
No, no, we're partners, but this guy here's...
This guy? Yeah, this guy. The guy that conscripted
us. Yeah. Well, he just worked at me. Hey, I
didn't conscript you. I'm just giving the news.
The gun laws, they're familial. If you can prove
your family... That's gone now. Well, he slept
with my sister. Well, I mean, that kind of brings
you closer together, I suppose. I would say we
were never further apart. It was the opposite.
Maybe brought us closer, but him and my sister
do not get along. It's weird because we do still
sleep together. Yeah. But we just don't like
each other. Don't work as a couple, but in bed.
It just works. Look, it's war times. I get it.
I think it's because we both like to fire the
guns. They fire the guns when they're orgasming.
Oh, really? Oh, not just then. Oh, that makes
so much more sense. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it's
like you're climaxing twice. That's what I've
heard. You're wrong. Am I? Yeah. Is it not? Who
told me that? Who told me that? The guns is like
climaxing twice. So the horse trailer. Can we
get a trailer for our horse? Yeah, you can get
the fucking horse trailer. It's fine. What's
with the attitude from this guy? We're in wartime.
lad no need to be mean yeah it's fucking wartime
we've asked you some very civilized questions
we didn't want to be here why do you get the
gift of grace of patience and i don't get it
all i wanted was for me and my partner to share
two guns and get a horse box for our horse and
i'm saying yeah you can do that so why are you
doing it with such an attitude because i'm fucking
pissed off right this is the problem this is
who we should be fighting against can i be honest
He still hasn't told me which side I'm on. Right?
Do you know which side you're on? No, because
he could be the enemy, and that's the problem.
You can pick. It's whoever. You can't conscript
for both sides. I can. Well, that's me stumped,
to be fair. You are above us. They just said,
here, Joey, conscription, get him in. And I said,
all right, lad, I'll get him in. Here we are.
Well, could you conscript my sister, because
then he might stop sleeping with her. No. Yeah.
No, I can't do that. Can you make sure she were
conscripted to opposite sides? Because I think
that would be pretty hot. God damn it. No. Put
her on the same side. Make her his partner. No,
actually, no. I don't want to lose you. Make
her my partner. No, that doesn't work either.
What if I make her my partner? You're not on
the front lines. That wouldn't work. Ah, you're
right. Yeah. No, I mean, can you just imagine?
It's like Christmas Eve during World War II.
She's there. When the two sides cross and just
embrace each other. They didn't just start hugging.
Well, they played football, didn't they? No,
they slept with each other. They slept with each
other. They played footy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah,
they played football. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
They weren't fucking in the trenches. They were
fucking in the trenches. You don't know that.
You don't know they were fucking in the trenches.
My granddad wasn't World War II. I know they
were fucking. Oh, did he tell you? Did he tell
you they were fucking in the trenches? Yes, and
you know what? Klaus is my second granddad, and
I love him very dearly. That's how they met.
I'm Sue. Sorry to end if you have a brother who
loves No Man's Land. Claire, get out of here.
Brother, I love you, but honestly... I swear
to God. He's really sexy. I think it's the uniform.
I love a man in uniform. I'm wearing the same
uniform. It should turn her off equally then.
Do you have a donkey permit at all? No, we don't.
Just horses and cars and trailers. Just horses
and cars? And guns, kind of. That's really sexy.
Claire, could you stop sleeping with my partner
and shooting a lot of guns when you... Both do
and don't climax, I guess. That's the best part.
Yeah. Gunpowder gets me off. Have you never smelled
the gunpowder? Have you never smelled the residue?
No, because I don't get a chance to meet people
because you two are always fucking, so someone
has to keep watch. Okay, how about this? I know
a great donkey farm nearby. Is it a sanctuary?
What the fuck? Remember the parent who looted
a piano for their child? We caught up with the
child to see just how he was getting on. Tommy,
you've been coming to these lessons for six weeks
now. These scales are just... They're just not
up to standard. Have you even been practicing?
A little. A little. Do you want to go on the
front lines, Tommy? Of course I do. You do? Oh,
that's okay. Then stop practicing. No, I want
to be there scoring the battle. As it's happening,
I want to be there with a keyboard, running alongside
the trips. Well, if that's your dream, then that's
all well and good, but you're not going to get
there with this level of dedication. Right, I'm
sorry. I just get distracted sometimes. What's
there to be distracted about? There's either
the gunfire... Or there's the keys. Oh, that's
true. Yeah, I've just got to pick one. But then
every time I hear gunfire, I'm like, whoa. And
then I forget about my dream. Because I think,
oh, one of these days I'm going to be handed
a gun. But I don't want a gun. I want to inspire
trips. My dad got me a piano. Yeah, I know. I've
seen it. It's too heavy for the front lines.
But his intention was there. Well, look, it's
going to take some work here. Some engineering
for you to be able to do that. I could get a
keytar. There's a shop I could loot. There's
the shop that this piano came from. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but I don't think we can really get you
onto the keytar yet until we at least get your
basic skills down, Tommy. All I'm waiting for
is the first chair of the front line to be shot,
and then it could be me up there on the keytar
scoring them. So I just need one man to... Like,
as soon as he goes down, they're going to need
a replacement. So you're right, I've got to get
better. I could be called up at any moment. Any
second. God, you're right. I haven't been focused
enough. Thank you, Mr. Johnson. Thank you. 20
press -ups. Okay. Should I be playing while I'm
doing it? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
That was one. And to be honest, Tommy, I don't
think you were really trying there. That wasn't
low enough. Oh, come on, Mr. Johnson. Come on,
it's hard to reach up to the piano at the same
time. B minor. Okay, okay. You gotta will to
want it. You gotta will it. You gotta want it.
I'm gonna score it for the boys. They're gonna
be... They're gonna be triumphant. Was that one?
Not quite my temper. Okay, sorry. Slower or faster?
I'm not going to tell you that. You think they're
going to tell you that on the front lines, Tommy?
You're right. You've got to just play it as it's
going. Yeah, what if they're all using pistols
to be slower, but if they're in machine guns,
a beat per minute would be fast. Okay. Inspire.
Inspire. Oh, no. A grenade's going off. Not with
your mouth. You've got to play it with your fingers.
I know what I want to sound like, so it's easier
with my mouth. Can I just have a speaker? Can
I just have a microphone? I'm a piano teacher.
If you wanted to sing, you could go down the
road. No, I want to inspire. My songs will just
probably demoralize them. It's alright. I'll
see you the same time next week. Okay, I'll work
really hard this week, I swear. You're only going
to let yourself down if you don't. Not only myself,
but... Probably your whole family. Yeah, the
man on the front lines too. True. No, I'm going
to work really hard. You'll see a changed man
next week. Don't waste my time, Tom. I won't.
I promise. I promise, Mr. Johnson. You're going
to see a changed man. A good man. All right.
Good luck. Thank you. Sometimes in war, armies
don't have the luxury of using trained soldiers.
And regular people, if called upon, don't have
the luxury of saying no. They do have the luxury,
however, of trying to escape. One of the privates
said that you two were looking to defect and
leave the army. And I just want to say, guys,
that that would really be, I would rather you
stay, to be honest. I'm kind of done with war.
Yeah. We're all done with war, but you can't
just leave. So defect. Leave. You can't just
leave. Where are you going to go? To the other
side? That's still a war, guys. No, we can not
be in between. We can be pacifists. Oh, you're
going to make a little pacifist militia on your
own? Well, you'll be the first ones that we shoot.
You know the mayor is on my ass to keep the morale
up and keep everyone shooting his citizens. You
can't do that. That's unfair. What do you mean
it's unfair? We're not going to shoot back. engage
with this. We're just trying to you know mind
our peace. I understand that but whenever you
get conscripted you lose all rights as a human
being. You just got to do what's said. I don't
think that's true. Do you think that's true Percy?
No. Not all the rights. What was the last book
you read? What? What was the last book you read?
It's probably Harry Potter 1 isn't it? No. No.
No. Aye. this off my desk right now? I just started
the Harry Potter books, and then the war kicked
off, and I want to get back to it. He's really
worried about Hedwig. I have one and two. I haven't
got to two, but you can have my copy of two if
it'll keep you in the war. Look, okay, maybe
we can make some deals. I've got all seven, I
just don't have time to read them. Why don't
you read them on patrol? You can't be doing much
out there. Wait, hold on a second. Tell us we
can't defect because we've got to be in the army
because we've got to fight, but you're saying
we can read on patrol? Hey, as long as our people
don't see you doing your shit, you can do whatever
you want. What do you mean our people? What about
their people? If they see you, they'll try and
kill you, yeah. Hey, Homer, if we're allowed
to read on patrol, I'm staying. Percy, if you
read on patrol, you'll be seen by the other side.
They'll shoot you. And then you'll be able to
see what happens to Hedwig. One of yous bounce
around like one of you read to the other one.
So one's always aware, spotting, you know. You're
looking out, Homer. That's how we get to sleep.
Oh, yeah, that's tough. So, like, if he reads
to me, I'll fall asleep. Well, you understand
what I mean. Well, look, how about this? There's
a group of 20 new privates that have been conscripted
in last Thursday. Like you can take your pick
of like one or two of them who will just read
to you or stay up or something. Look, I'm all
about your sergeants. You can't just leave. Percy,
this guy just said there's 20 new people joining
and he won't let two people leave. Yeah, because
they don't know the stuff. If you were to train
them up to sergeant. Oh, we don't know anything.
You just keep putting medals on us. Such a Slytherin
thing. You're so manipulative. Yeah, and ambitious.
I don't understand what that means. It's not
good. You know, we've only made it this far because
of our Hufflepuff values. Mediocrity. Flying
under the radar. Literally unfigurable. And finding
things? Is that a Hufflepuff thing? Yeah, I mean,
we find things. Yeah, I found a whole set of
Harry Potter. Yeah. You found that out there?
Mm -hmm. Wow. I found the library that those
books were in. Look, what are you going to do
for food? Then we burned it down. What? What
are you going to do for food? It's dangerous
out there for just random citizens. Well, firstly,
we hope that when we defect... We're not just
random citizens to you, but you're friends. And
we're going to start a small pig farm. To me,
you'd be friends. You'll of course be friends.
Why do you think I keep pinning medals on you?
I like you guys. I like what you're bringing
to this outfit. But you can't buy friendship
with just medals. You don't know that. Everyone
says they can't, but no one ever gets a chance
to try it. And now I'm trying it. Well, it's
not working. If you want to be our friend, let
us read the book. Let us read the book. You can't
read the book. You just need to take one of the
privates out on patrol with you. I'm trying to
acquiesce. Let us read the book as free men.
I'm trying to read June. I want to know about
the Fremen. Guys, if I lose two sergeants, I'll
get it in the flak. They will say, why did you
pin it on people who couldn't be trusted? They're
going to say you have no honour. That's what
they say about people who defect. You lose two
sergeants, but you'll gain two friends. We can
tell you all about Harry Potter. You just said
we weren't friends. No, but we can be if you
let us go. But if you're going to force us to
just fight, well, I'm not going to be frenzy.
I'm going to resent you. Yeah. I do resent you.
Oh, no. No, don't resent him yet. I know I do.
Let's just see what he does. Oh, it seems like
he's going to have us fight. Okay. Well, if you
want us to fight, then let's fight. There you
go. You happy? I shot him. Why did you shoot
Homer? Because you want us to fight. Percy! He'll
be fine. It's just in the gut. He's Hufflepuff.
They're strong. Homer, I'll get the first...
Okay. They're strong and brave. Wait. Now that
you've been wounded... Percy, the thing is, now
that Homer's been wounded, he can go home. Honorably
discharged. He can be honorably discharged. Now
what are you going to do? I'm not going to shoot
you. I was going to shoot him so that then he
could say, you tried to stop us and we couldn't...
I'm going to... This is a long and painful death.
Just there, take my gun. You're going to be fine.
Shoot me. I don't want your gun. I'm not going
to shoot you. And if you shoot yourself, they'll
know, because the bullets are different. I'm
too scared to shoot myself. Yeah. No, no, guys,
it was a false alarm. Don't worry about it. Just
a normal shot. Hey, Hedwig dies. No, he doesn't.
He does. No, he doesn't. He dies in book seven.
So you have read June. What? Is that a dune thing?
No, it's a Harry Potter thing. Oh, okay. So that
would make more sense. That's a spoiler for you
as well. He dies. Hedwig. Oh, no. He's an owl.
The owl. No. I've forgotten his name. Hedwig.
I know now. Ah. I want to shoot him now, but
he's already been shot. Take my gun. I'm happy
for you to shoot him. No, he's already been shot.
I've already sent for a medic. You know what?
I thought Percy's Pig Farm, you know, shortly
thereafter, followed by... Homer's Horses would
have been a great farm, educational centre, children's
play area, but you've ruined it all by shooting
me. I haven't ruined it. You've shot me in the
gut. You're getting discharged. You get out of
this. Yeah, Doctor, just do whatever you need
to do. Come on in. Don't listen, but just do
whatever you need to do. That's very sweet. I'm
willing to shoot you, and then I could say that
it was because you shot, you defected. But then
you can't be a peaceful defector. The army will
come to Percy's pig farm, and maybe even Homer's
horses, and they will hunt you both down. Well,
maybe not you, Homer, I guess. It's probably
just Percy. I'm not doing it anymore. I don't
want to start a business with this guy. He's
shot me in the gut. Yeah, that is... That's tough
to come back from. You can go off and live your
dreams with your horses now. It sounds like you
never even want to do Percy pigs and Homer's
horses. Why did I read the books first? Look,
I think this friendship, you don't have to lose
it. Maybe in the back of your head you remembered
something in one of those books about medical
discharge. Maybe he always was letting you go.
Maybe he was sacrificing himself. You will go
to, like, military jail. But maybe one of you
can be free. And, hey, I could give you books
in there. No. If I get to read books in prison,
I'll do that. And you, once you're patched up,
I guess, you're free to do whatever you want.
I'm going to start a small stable. I hope it
does well. We need horses in the army, so if
you get it up and running in the next couple
of weeks, let us know. No, I'm not going to tell
you about it, because you'll take my horses for
meat. We know we take them for cars. Why do you
need horses for cars? Because we don't have enough
cars, so then some of our patrols get horses.
Oh, because the horses can't drive. We tried
that. They can't drive? Yeah, it's a very special
place, or it would have been. If I hadn't been
shot in the gut. That's great because a few of
our privates don't have their driving licenses.
So if these horses could drive some of our Jeeps,
that would be amazing. That's why it's always
referred to as horsepower of cars. Really? Yeah.
Wow. Fun fact. Well, I'm sorry to end it like
this. You did this to us. You ruined us. I just
wanted to be friends. No, you wanted us to be
in the army. And friends. Hi, guys. Welcome to
the SpamPod, a new anonymous podcast where we
spam you with information. Now, you may be wondering,
why does this host have an American accent? Well,
we have anonymized our voices. Yeah. As to not
be, well, you know, arrested. We've been anonymized,
so we're fine. Yep. Anonymous voices. I'm Phil,
and you'll never work out that it's me, Phil
McConnell, under this voice. Um, Phil. Yeah?
I can't say your name. No, it's fine, because
my voice has been anonymous. I don't think you're
getting the whole... No, but now you've said...
You said your name. I said my name, and if I
was to say that you were Marticia Hartman, then
they would never find that out either, because
you're not sounding like you right now. Phil.
Marticia, is that you? Oh, my God. No, no. To
be on the line with you, this is an honor. Wait,
how did they work that out? Well, um... Marticia,
what have you done? Well, while we have you on
the line, do you have any anonymous news about
the war? Anything going on? Well, I had some
insight for the rebels, but now that I'm on the
line with you, I just... I can't believe it.
You're also on the line with me, Phil, or anyone.
Phil who? Phil, I'm not telling you. And it's
not because I don't remember. It's because I'm
anonymized now. Okay, well, they're moving. Phil
O 'Connell, I did it. Sorry, fuck. Phil, stop.
You'll never know because this isn't my voice.
Have I been anonymized? It's the second mic.
Have they changed my voice? Your voice is anonymized?
But your name, like, you can't just say the name.
They'll never know. They can't attach the two
things together. That's insane. This voice is
not Phil. I believe they're doing it in post.
Ah. Are you some sort of sound engineer there?
Are you there? No, I just have a basic concept
of how these things work. Ah, well, if you let
me know, send me a letter. Phil O 'Connell at
625. Phil. What? We can cut this. We can cut
this out. Hello, this is Alan in the booth. Yes.
Yes, we will be changing the voices in post,
but when it's going out live, it's just going
out as is. Oh, Alan, hello. Hi, it's me, Alan
Smith. Oh, it's been a while. How are you getting
on? I'm not doing too bad. I'm not really on
the show. I'm just the engineer, but I was just
letting you know. Oh, you'll edit this out? This
will all be edited out for the broadcast version,
but we are also broadcasting live, so. So I need
to finish my address. So, Phil, if you'll just
stop. Maybe just don't keep saying your name.
And they'll edit this out, but yeah. And what
an honor it is to be on the show with you, by
the way. You're very welcome. You're very welcome
here. Oh, it's a Martitia Hartman. Martitia Hartman.
M -A -R -T -I -C -I -A. That's me. Nope. You
don't have to spell it. It's okay. Don't worry.
You'll never know who you are. They don't know
that you're at Crescent Lane. They don't know
that you recently had to give away your dog.
Is the Hartman with an E or just straight up
H -A -R -T? Very. Actually, neither. Neither.
There's a P -H in there. Silent. Silent P. Fascinating.
Yeah. Phil? You know, I trusted you on this.
You know, I wanted to support your dreams. I
wanted to start a podcast with you. Thank you.
No one will ever know who I am, so they won't
even know who you're complimenting. Okay. Anyway,
the rebels, they're moving munitions across town.
Do you have their names? Yes. We'll anonymize
them. Anonymize this. We'll change their names.
Dory. Jerry. Smith. They'll never know. James
McAvoy, not the actor, and another Jerry, Jerry
O. Smith. I am not a leak in the organization.
I just love podcasting. What is your name, sir?
My name is Barry O. Monaghan. Don't worry, we're
going to change your name in post and maybe even
your voice. Now, this is Alan again. Alan Smith
or a different Alan? It's Alan Smith. Should
I edit out? The names of the munitions? They're
all... Every name that we mention is edited out.
I think we could just start over. No, why would
we get rid of the names? They have to know who
it is so they know that's not who I think it
is because the voice sounds different. They need
the names to prove that the voices aren't the
same. Can you edit it right now? Like, that information
I gave you, can you let me hear what that would
sound like? Yes. Everything that I just said.
Yes, I could. Go ahead, then. I'd like to hear
that. Hello, it is me. I'm calling in to podcast.
I have information about munitions in the area.
Alan, Alan, is that Declan in the booth? Is that
Declan you've got doing those voiceovers? Ah,
it is. Ah, Declan, how you been? Oh, yeah, you
know. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're still living at 14
Oakland Lane, so... That's such a pretty house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with the red door.
It's nice. My second child just joined St. James.
Did you give the middle to him? Oh, yeah, yeah.
After my granddad, Mark. Same one. Lovely. Yeah,
yeah. That's very nice. You know what? Born 2nd
of April. Release and remember, same as my pin.
Is she old enough to have a National Insurance
number? Yeah, yeah. It's 4567... 3 -4, obviously
with SC at the front. Well, obviously, yeah.
It's really easy to remember. It's great. I just
want to... If I can give a shout -out to the...
Oh, no, you can't do that. This is anonymized.
You wouldn't get it. But if we could just give
an emotional shout -out to the head of the resistance.
Go ahead. You're on with Marticia Hartman. Marticia
Hartman. What an honor it is, by the way. Yeah,
it's me. It's Marticia Hartman. But you'll never
know. If we could just give anonymous shout out
to the head of the resistance, Morticia Hartman.
Wow, real time. Wow, real time. Oh, excellent.
Oh, excellent. Alan, can we go to a commercial
break? Alan, can we go to commercial? Great work,
Declan. Great work. Hello. Do you need to shave
your balls? This is Phil O 'Connell at Man's
Gift. Join us next time for part two of the never
-ending saga of four parts. I may have accidentally
crashed into your car and driven over a doctor,
but there's no need to do something drastic.
My children have nothing to do with horse murder.
No. I'm only a child, only a boy, only a boy,
swiftly becoming a man. So you're what, you want
to sell salt to perverts? What is your plan here?
WTF? What the actual heck? I just don't appreciate
being said. I don't sound like I'm Italian. I'm
clearly Italian. Put the gun down so we can criticise
you, Phil. Welcome. Back to Dumb Bracken.