WEBVTT 00:00:03.239 --> 00:00:04.919 I'm really sorry if I've come to the wrong place 00:00:04.919 --> 00:00:08.400 here, but I got this letter in a mail and it 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:12.279 says I've been conscripted? Yeah. Yeah, what's 00:00:12.279 --> 00:00:14.660 that all about? Yeah, you've been conscripted. 00:00:14.980 --> 00:00:17.640 What's unclear about that? Well, first of all, 00:00:17.660 --> 00:00:20.399 I didn't realize I could be conscripted. If you 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:22.300 could just take your clothes off and step on 00:00:22.300 --> 00:00:25.160 the scales there for us. Oh, well, I've come 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:27.239 to challenge it. You can leave your underwear 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:30.280 on, but, you know. But I don't have to. Well, 00:00:30.280 --> 00:00:32.479 that's up to you. I mean, I don't really want 00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:34.200 to fight in a war, to be quite honest. Well, 00:00:34.219 --> 00:00:36.719 it's too bad you've been conscripted. Now, is 00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:38.799 that optional or is that like... Is this like 00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:41.479 jury duty? It's kind of like jury duty, except 00:00:41.479 --> 00:00:43.460 you can't get out of it. I was going to say, 00:00:43.500 --> 00:00:46.259 I got out of jury duty on account of my political 00:00:46.259 --> 00:00:48.179 views. You're a weak man. I'm hoping I can get 00:00:48.179 --> 00:00:50.100 out of the war on account of my political views. 00:00:50.460 --> 00:00:52.619 How's that going to work, do you think? Well, 00:00:52.659 --> 00:00:55.039 I said during the journey that I would happily 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:57.000 shoot anyone who disagrees with me, so I've... 00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:58.780 But that's perfect for the war, like... Is it 00:00:58.780 --> 00:01:00.820 now? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what we need 00:01:00.820 --> 00:01:03.500 in a soldier. Oh, usually I'm happy to hear that, 00:01:03.579 --> 00:01:05.819 but on account of the situation, I'm not. Well, 00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:07.219 so you're going to just change your political 00:01:07.219 --> 00:01:09.239 views, are you? Well, I don't know which side 00:01:09.239 --> 00:01:10.780 of the war you're conscribing me to, for the 00:01:10.780 --> 00:01:12.400 beginning. Yeah, you conscripted... Can I pick 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:14.879 a side? Can you pick a side? Yeah, I think we 00:01:14.879 --> 00:01:17.040 just need to kind of stock up both, to be honest. 00:01:17.319 --> 00:01:18.959 Is it just like fitting me a uniform and handing 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:21.159 me a gun? I suppose, like, if you put, like, 00:01:21.180 --> 00:01:23.140 on a civilian outfit or, like, if you join the 00:01:23.140 --> 00:01:25.140 police or something, you know, it doesn't really 00:01:25.140 --> 00:01:26.939 matter. You're saying we make sickness here because 00:01:26.939 --> 00:01:28.579 I wasn't allowed to join the police previously. 00:01:28.659 --> 00:01:30.719 Yeah, but it's different now. That wasn't wartime. 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:32.659 Yeah, we didn't ask for you then. So how come 00:01:32.659 --> 00:01:34.659 I can join the police during war? It's technically 00:01:34.659 --> 00:01:36.920 a military police now. What's the difference? 00:01:37.379 --> 00:01:39.299 Well, you're conscripted now. Are you fucking 00:01:39.299 --> 00:01:42.239 thick? I am a wee bit, to be honest. Oh, right. 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:44.340 Sorry, I've been coming off too hard on you then. 00:01:44.359 --> 00:02:09.169 Don't apologize. You got it right. The small 00:02:09.169 --> 00:02:12.469 rock of drunken horses off the far side of the 00:02:12.469 --> 00:02:16.849 coast of Iceland is no stranger to civil wars. 00:02:17.710 --> 00:02:22.250 There was the Nine Years' War of 1594 which was 00:02:22.250 --> 00:02:25.310 narrowly defeated by the Eleven Years' War of 00:02:25.310 --> 00:02:29.990 1641 in a battle that spanned almost two years. 00:02:30.590 --> 00:02:35.250 There was the Irish Rebellion of 1798 and the 00:02:35.250 --> 00:02:40.250 Irish Rebellion of 1803, and the Irish Rebellion 00:02:40.250 --> 00:02:46.990 of 1848, and the Irish Rebellion of 1864. Not 00:02:46.990 --> 00:02:50.490 to forget the Easter Rising, the Irish Rebellion 00:02:50.490 --> 00:02:54.569 of 1916, and of course the Irish Revolutionary 00:02:54.569 --> 00:02:59.330 War, the Irish Rebellion of 1919. Then there 00:02:59.330 --> 00:03:04.360 was the Irish Civil War of 1922, and the 30 -year 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:07.860 civil war known as the Troubles in the late 20th 00:03:07.860 --> 00:03:13.819 century. For almost 30 years, Ireland has remained 00:03:13.819 --> 00:03:19.099 a somewhat peaceful state. That all changed in 00:03:19.099 --> 00:03:25.300 November 2024, in the small landlocked seaside 00:03:25.300 --> 00:03:30.740 border town of Dunbraken. What started as a fun 00:03:30.740 --> 00:03:35.060 and joyous day celebrating the birthday of the 00:03:35.060 --> 00:04:03.680 town's mayor ended in tragedy. We were just having 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:08.240 fun. There were amusements, a bunch of stalls. 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:11.360 Time was completely packed. It was wonderful 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:18.160 to see. I was a clown. I love being a clown. 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:21.040 You never get to be a clown on a normal day. 00:04:21.500 --> 00:04:25.680 But there I was, just being a clown. I felt so 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:32.459 free. A free clown. It was my weekend with the 00:04:32.459 --> 00:04:37.500 kids, you know, and to this festival that the 00:04:37.500 --> 00:04:39.860 mayor had put on in his own honour, that was 00:04:39.860 --> 00:04:42.240 just the thing that I needed to, you know, to 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:46.000 get one over on my ex -wife. I could finally 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:49.800 be the fun one, you know. I could finally be 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:52.920 the one who could get a goldfish for once, for 00:04:52.920 --> 00:04:57.040 the kids. My ex -wife has sold me a goddamn goldfish. 00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:01.139 I was chosen as the one prisoner allowed out 00:05:01.139 --> 00:05:02.879 for the day to attend the birthday celebrations. 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:05.360 And I just entered the raffle on a whim, you 00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:08.779 know? Never thought in my wildest dreams I could 00:05:08.779 --> 00:05:12.060 be chosen. Couldn't believe my luck. And on the 00:05:12.060 --> 00:05:15.160 day I was scheduled to be put to death too. Now, 00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:18.620 looking back, I wish I'd been put in that chair. 00:05:20.220 --> 00:05:22.579 I don't really know what happened. One moment, 00:05:22.660 --> 00:05:25.720 everyone was partying and having fun. I was getting 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:29.050 an incredible reaction as a clown. I had just 00:05:29.050 --> 00:05:32.889 made the most impressive balloon gazebo. The 00:05:32.889 --> 00:05:35.910 next moment, I was running for my life, dodging 00:05:35.910 --> 00:05:39.670 shrapnel and bullets as balloons popped all around 00:05:39.670 --> 00:05:44.930 me. And my gazebo was torn to shreds. The police 00:05:44.930 --> 00:05:48.129 just turned on everyone. I'd never seen anything 00:05:48.129 --> 00:05:51.329 like it. Even though I wasn't supposed to be 00:05:51.329 --> 00:05:53.670 killed by firing squad, I just assumed that the 00:05:53.670 --> 00:05:58.740 bullets were for me. But I was wrong. Someone 00:05:58.740 --> 00:06:01.060 said the mayor, who no one even saw on the day, 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:05.339 just snapped. He was just screaming down the 00:06:05.339 --> 00:06:08.180 phone to his assistant. I just happened to be 00:06:08.180 --> 00:06:11.660 an earshot, I gotta say. I was mighty impressed. 00:06:12.579 --> 00:06:14.600 I haven't heard someone scream down the phone 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:16.839 with that much vitriol in a long, long time. 00:06:16.980 --> 00:06:19.660 And I, you know, I'm the principal of the high 00:06:19.660 --> 00:06:22.100 school, so I scream down the phone to a lot of 00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:24.560 parents, a lot of teachers. Down the intercom 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:26.579 sometimes, I scream in the faces of children. 00:06:26.759 --> 00:06:28.680 You know, if somebody needs a good scream, they 00:06:28.680 --> 00:06:30.899 need a good scream. And this assistant, he was 00:06:30.899 --> 00:06:33.259 clearly, he clearly wasn't doing his job, you 00:06:33.259 --> 00:06:36.360 know. So he got a good bollocking. Got a good 00:06:36.360 --> 00:06:38.360 ear -licking bollocking, I tell you that much 00:06:38.360 --> 00:06:42.019 for free. Aye, then, after that bollocking he 00:06:42.019 --> 00:06:44.420 got, the assistant, he just stormed the stage. 00:06:44.500 --> 00:06:47.120 And he was, oh, he was fiery in his temples, 00:06:47.220 --> 00:06:49.839 I tell you. He was, he was an excitable man. 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:53.810 Small man. Thin man, but... There was an anger 00:06:53.810 --> 00:06:56.189 behind the eyes that made him grow ten feet tall, 00:06:56.350 --> 00:06:58.430 you know? It's nice when you see a small man 00:06:58.430 --> 00:07:03.290 get big. He punched the lead singer of Freaky 00:07:03.290 --> 00:07:06.350 Nipples. Slugged him right then and there. He 00:07:06.350 --> 00:07:08.350 took the mic and claimed that we weren't celebrating 00:07:08.350 --> 00:07:13.470 the mayor in the right way? I'm not one for demanding 00:07:13.470 --> 00:07:16.569 people venerate me, but I suppose if I was the 00:07:16.569 --> 00:07:20.829 mayor and I wanted veneration, I'd tell a lie. 00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:24.540 There was the school play that they wrote that 00:07:24.540 --> 00:07:27.060 I demand it be about me. It was about this man 00:07:27.060 --> 00:07:30.560 with a lovely, lovely coat. And I said, well, 00:07:30.660 --> 00:07:33.180 I have a lovely, lovely coat, and I have 17 brothers 00:07:33.180 --> 00:07:35.259 as well, so why don't you just make it about 00:07:35.259 --> 00:07:38.060 me? So there it was, Principal Brown in his lovely, 00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:41.180 lovely coat. It was a critical darling. We got 00:07:41.180 --> 00:07:43.839 marzipan in on it. It was some job, I tell you. 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:48.029 But he says hi. He didn't like how people were 00:07:48.029 --> 00:07:50.050 celebrating him. And you know, I've got to say, 00:07:50.069 --> 00:07:51.889 I agree with that. I don't know if I was wanting 00:07:51.889 --> 00:07:54.129 the veneration and people weren't giving me enough 00:07:54.129 --> 00:07:56.449 celebration. I'd be loving it too. And I've got 00:07:56.449 --> 00:07:58.970 to say, after Principal Brown and his lovely, 00:07:59.089 --> 00:08:01.170 lovely coat was done, I didn't know that there 00:08:01.170 --> 00:08:03.569 was enough applause. And if I had known that 00:08:03.569 --> 00:08:06.990 I could start a war to get more applause, I probably 00:08:06.990 --> 00:08:09.689 would have done it, you know? And he grabbed 00:08:09.689 --> 00:08:13.189 the mic and the chairman, he just started screaming, 00:08:13.290 --> 00:08:16.459 saying, He said, you know, I see it all the time. 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:18.160 You get bullied, you're bullied. You know, so 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:19.779 he started screaming to the crowd saying, you're 00:08:19.779 --> 00:08:22.279 not, you're not, you're not celebrating in the 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:25.139 right way. And he said, until that train falls, 00:08:25.420 --> 00:08:30.100 you're going to celebrate. I mean, what does 00:08:30.100 --> 00:08:32.519 that even mean? Suddenly there's a right way 00:08:32.519 --> 00:08:36.740 to celebrate now? What nonsense is that? I was 00:08:36.740 --> 00:08:39.159 definitely celebrating. I was supposed to have 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:41.320 been killed by lethal injection by electric chair. 00:08:41.980 --> 00:08:45.000 And there I was. Winning a free bag of popcorn 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:48.159 on the shooting range. I was celebrating right. 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:51.419 People started booing and things were getting 00:08:51.419 --> 00:08:53.940 a bit restless. You could feel everyone was on 00:08:53.940 --> 00:08:56.039 edge. And I don't know if it was an order from 00:08:56.039 --> 00:08:58.620 the mayor or a panicked decision from the overworked 00:08:58.620 --> 00:09:02.759 assistant. Amongst the cacophony of boos, the 00:09:02.759 --> 00:09:05.159 assistant just started screaming and then... 00:09:05.159 --> 00:09:15.799 It happened. I'm not even sure who did it, but 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:20.419 someone threw a brick. I think. And then the 00:09:20.419 --> 00:09:24.519 police just opened fire. It was chaos. Panic. 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:29.419 People running for their lives. Now, I've seen 00:09:29.419 --> 00:09:31.279 some heinous shit, being in prison for life, 00:09:31.340 --> 00:09:34.679 waiting to be executed and all that. Hell, I've 00:09:34.679 --> 00:09:38.440 done some horrifying things too. But I'd never 00:09:38.440 --> 00:09:42.480 seen anything like this. Families and children 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:46.460 were there. It was horrific. My ex -wife, you 00:09:46.460 --> 00:09:48.700 think my ex -wife would ever let me live it down 00:09:48.700 --> 00:09:51.360 if one of my children got shot by the police? 00:09:51.700 --> 00:09:54.179 No, she'd be like, see, I told you I was the 00:09:54.179 --> 00:09:58.639 fun one. And I can't come back from that. Thankfully, 00:09:58.820 --> 00:10:01.480 I made it out in time. I looked like a real hero, 00:10:01.539 --> 00:10:04.679 to be honest. I looked like a hero for the kids. 00:10:04.820 --> 00:10:07.940 And I think it's really, it put me in good stead 00:10:07.940 --> 00:10:10.399 with them. Because they always saw me as just 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:15.799 a lawyer. Who gets criminals off. So Sharon can 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:20.379 suck it. You know. I kept them safe. I did. They 00:10:20.379 --> 00:10:22.559 might be stuck in a war zone and can't go home. 00:10:22.600 --> 00:10:25.059 But they're safe god damn it. And I won't let 00:10:25.059 --> 00:10:28.279 anything happen to them. Because she can't come 00:10:28.279 --> 00:10:30.799 into the town. Because there's a war on. It's 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:32.620 not safe for her to just come into the town. 00:10:32.700 --> 00:10:35.600 So the kids are here until further notice I guess. 00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:42.830 I was begging to be put back into prison. This 00:10:42.830 --> 00:10:44.850 was the day of my execution, but I couldn't let 00:10:44.850 --> 00:10:47.149 my final meal be some barely heated dinky donuts. 00:10:47.529 --> 00:10:59.429 I was supposed to have a full ulster fry! When 00:10:59.429 --> 00:11:03.649 that first bullet went off, this small, sleepy 00:11:03.649 --> 00:11:07.889 seaside town was rocked and changed forever. 00:11:11.149 --> 00:11:14.029 The mayor has since claimed that since the train 00:11:14.029 --> 00:11:17.590 full of helium flew into the sky on his birthday, 00:11:18.009 --> 00:11:21.450 his birthday and the accompanying celebrations 00:11:21.450 --> 00:11:26.269 would continue until it fell, signifying the 00:11:26.269 --> 00:11:31.610 end of his day. The people, upon hearing this, 00:11:31.669 --> 00:11:36.129 rebelled, and after two days of riots, martial 00:11:36.129 --> 00:11:43.179 law was declared. In the preceding days, an all 00:11:43.179 --> 00:11:46.480 -out war would come to this large landlocked 00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:52.580 town. I was supposed to be killed until dead 00:11:52.580 --> 00:11:58.440 that day. Now, 44 days past execution, I'm stuck 00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:00.379 fighting in a war that I don't even understand. 00:12:00.779 --> 00:12:03.000 I don't even know what side I'm fighting for. 00:12:04.840 --> 00:12:08.340 All I know is that it continues until the tree 00:12:08.340 --> 00:12:25.629 infalls. Until the dream falls. That became somewhat 00:12:25.629 --> 00:12:29.529 of a mantra on both sides, willing them both 00:12:29.529 --> 00:12:37.600 on to win this war. On the mayor's side, the 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.179 ideal to get celebrated in the right and correct 00:12:41.179 --> 00:12:46.100 and just way. For the people, the deposition 00:12:46.100 --> 00:12:50.919 of an egomaniac terrorising the town. As long 00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:54.360 as that train stays in the sky, the mayor demands 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:58.679 honouring. And as long as the mayor demands honouring, 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:11.330 the people will fight. Three months on. This 00:13:11.330 --> 00:13:15.070 is the story of the people living through Ireland's 00:13:15.070 --> 00:13:20.529 first civil war of the 21st century. A war set 00:13:20.529 --> 00:13:24.429 to continue indefinitely until one thing occurs. 00:13:25.990 --> 00:13:33.470 The mayor is celebrated. Or he dies. Or the train 00:13:33.470 --> 00:13:41.519 falls. One thing and one thing only. Until the 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:52.779 train falls. Welcome to war. Until the train 00:13:52.779 --> 00:14:28.500 falls. Hey, Jami, my son just came back from, 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.840 you know, from your house, and you know why my 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:34.720 store's been looted? Have you been looting it? 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:39.840 A bit. What's a bit? You know, like, time spirit. 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.600 It's not right. We're all having a go. We're 00:14:42.600 --> 00:14:44.320 all having a go, but we're not looting each other's 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:47.259 stores. That's implicit. No, well, you know, 00:14:47.259 --> 00:14:49.919 I don't want to show too much of a bias and actively 00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:52.019 avoid people either, you know? Like, I want to... 00:14:52.250 --> 00:14:53.830 Well, you could show a bit of bias. I don't want 00:14:53.830 --> 00:14:55.850 to give too much thought to the looting because 00:14:55.850 --> 00:14:57.610 then it will come back to bite me. You know what 00:14:57.610 --> 00:15:00.870 I mean? Okay, you say that. It was a piano. Some 00:15:00.870 --> 00:15:03.309 false was put into this. Yeah, I... There was 00:15:03.309 --> 00:15:05.129 transport involved. I had a couple guys. I had 00:15:05.129 --> 00:15:07.789 a van, yeah. I just... It's not right. I have 00:15:07.789 --> 00:15:10.210 a kid who's very happy, you know? He's not good. 00:15:10.350 --> 00:15:12.570 He's not good. No, he's not. No, I mean... No, 00:15:12.610 --> 00:15:14.830 he's not good. He's glowing, though. I've never 00:15:14.830 --> 00:15:16.990 seen him happier. He's happy, but Jesus. And 00:15:16.990 --> 00:15:18.350 I said that would happen if you buy a piano. 00:15:19.090 --> 00:15:21.549 Hey, guys. Sorry, there was talk of a piano. 00:15:21.909 --> 00:15:26.350 Will it be used? Could I have it? No, he's, well, 00:15:26.470 --> 00:15:28.769 he's practicing. I just need something heavy. 00:15:28.850 --> 00:15:31.649 I'm setting a trap, and I need something heavy 00:15:31.649 --> 00:15:33.909 enough to crush a man. Okay, here's what you 00:15:33.909 --> 00:15:36.669 want to do. There's a blacksmith, right? Yeah. 00:15:37.250 --> 00:15:40.370 I'd say, you've got a van, right? I said, well, 00:15:40.389 --> 00:15:42.350 you loot the anvil. I looted the van. Oh, the 00:15:42.350 --> 00:15:43.990 anvil's a good idea. Oh, you looted the van. 00:15:44.370 --> 00:15:47.539 Yeah. That's a fun thing to steal. The piano 00:15:47.539 --> 00:15:49.220 I don't like. Yeah, you're just annoyed because 00:15:49.220 --> 00:15:50.879 it was your piano. Yeah, yeah. It's from your 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:53.600 stock. It's just... We said we'd loot together. 00:15:54.019 --> 00:15:57.000 Oh, wow. I've said that to a lot of people, you 00:15:57.000 --> 00:16:01.259 know? Really? Yeah. Okay. Classic Johnny. I didn't 00:16:01.259 --> 00:16:02.440 know that you were just like waiting up on me. 00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:04.820 Go live your life. Loot some shit, you know? 00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:07.620 Okay, well, I mean... Go steal some crisps. You 00:16:07.620 --> 00:16:10.200 want to go loot the anvil? Crisps? Start small. 00:16:10.860 --> 00:16:12.860 You don't seem like a... I feel like the anvil 00:16:12.860 --> 00:16:14.139 feels like a fun place to start. Yeah, all right. 00:16:14.429 --> 00:16:17.789 There's one policeman I'm trying to kill. Let's 00:16:17.789 --> 00:16:19.909 be blunt, it's wartime. I'm trying to kill a 00:16:19.909 --> 00:16:22.509 policeman. With an anvil? I needed something 00:16:22.509 --> 00:16:25.830 big. An anvil works. I'm trying to set a trap. 00:16:25.990 --> 00:16:29.129 Okay. So that I am completely plausible deniability. 00:16:29.450 --> 00:16:31.509 How many people have you told this plan to? I've 00:16:31.509 --> 00:16:33.029 been asking around for heavy things. For anvils, 00:16:33.029 --> 00:16:35.090 yeah. Well, I suppose he was looking for a piano 00:16:35.090 --> 00:16:37.649 previously. I suppose. I just was walking by 00:16:37.649 --> 00:16:39.950 and I heard you mention a piano. Listen, like, 00:16:40.029 --> 00:16:42.289 if he doesn't pass his grade one, you can have 00:16:42.289 --> 00:16:44.679 the piano. I've given him that ultimatum. How 00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:46.840 long will that be? Because I need to kill Jack 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:49.480 as soon as possible. Oh, it's Jack you're killing? 00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:51.919 Yeah. I'll help with that. Oh, really? Yeah. 00:16:52.200 --> 00:16:54.860 He's got really uppity, I think, since martial 00:16:54.860 --> 00:16:57.039 law. And so he's like, I can arrest you for whatever 00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:58.519 I want. And I think it's time to... Can I be 00:16:58.519 --> 00:17:00.399 honest? He's been saying that pre -martial law. 00:17:00.460 --> 00:17:02.360 That's true. He's been saying that all the time. 00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:05.140 He clamped me outside my own house once. Really? 00:17:05.299 --> 00:17:08.880 Yeah. What for? Blocking an ambulance. That seems... 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:10.960 Well, the ambulance then can't get out. That's 00:17:10.960 --> 00:17:14.700 what I said. I also said, you know, like, I wasn't 00:17:14.700 --> 00:17:16.740 at home. So I didn't know I was blocking it. 00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:19.180 Yeah, how did the ambulance get in there, you 00:17:19.180 --> 00:17:21.660 know? There's so many questions. I feel like 00:17:21.660 --> 00:17:23.180 I could have argued this in court. Did an ambulance 00:17:23.180 --> 00:17:25.599 park in your driveway and you just parked up 00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:27.980 and went about your day? Like, what is this? 00:17:28.220 --> 00:17:30.240 Yeah, yeah. Look, I came home. I parked this 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:32.019 at my home. Realized I forgot something in the 00:17:32.019 --> 00:17:33.940 shop, so I went for a wee walk. And I came back 00:17:33.940 --> 00:17:37.039 and my car was coming. Unbelievable. Yeah. Look 00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:39.700 at this. You got yourself a looting buddy. You 00:17:39.700 --> 00:17:42.859 don't need me. Well, it is an envelope. We do 00:17:42.859 --> 00:17:45.480 need Warden, too. Yeah. Johnny, if you were in, 00:17:45.579 --> 00:17:47.619 like, that thing. I can ring around some people, 00:17:47.740 --> 00:17:50.099 see where the van is at the moment. Oh, you don't 00:17:50.099 --> 00:17:51.720 have it right now. We looted it together. Yeah, 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:53.920 it's a timeshare. Oh, people are using the van? 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:55.819 I don't know. It could just be sitting there. 00:17:55.819 --> 00:17:58.279 It's not one of my vans, is it? Listen. Oh, come 00:17:58.279 --> 00:18:00.880 on. I wasn't paying much attention to the logo 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:02.799 on the side of the van. There's only so many 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:05.059 vans that a piano would fit in. I'm the one for 00:18:05.059 --> 00:18:08.190 the music shop. It's custom. Yeah, it's expressly 00:18:08.190 --> 00:18:10.390 built for. It is an envelope crate van. Like, 00:18:10.390 --> 00:18:12.789 it can support a lot of weight. I could loot 00:18:12.789 --> 00:18:16.490 the blacksmith's van. And then. Yeah, that's 00:18:16.490 --> 00:18:18.069 the attitude. I forget that blacksmiths have 00:18:18.069 --> 00:18:20.029 vans, you know. Yeah. It feels like they should 00:18:20.029 --> 00:18:22.069 have horse and carriage. It does, doesn't it? 00:18:22.329 --> 00:18:25.089 Yeah, you know what? I say we get a taxi there 00:18:25.089 --> 00:18:27.609 and steal the van when we're over there. Yeah, 00:18:27.630 --> 00:18:29.609 that's nice. Okay. You sure you don't want in? 00:18:29.750 --> 00:18:31.589 You know what? I'm good. I made some plans with 00:18:31.589 --> 00:18:35.299 some buddies. Okay, well, enjoy. Now. In a vague 00:18:35.299 --> 00:18:38.039 and general direction. No, no, no. Which store 00:18:38.039 --> 00:18:40.359 are you looting? No, I don't know. It's not my 00:18:40.359 --> 00:18:42.400 kind of shoes. Okay, it's just your daughter's 00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:44.700 been looking at guitar lessons. She's been looking 00:18:44.700 --> 00:18:47.000 on Facebook Marketplace and there just isn't 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:49.519 a guitar that's taking her fancy. Okay, we need 00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:51.339 to stop by my shop and I need to grab and lock 00:18:51.339 --> 00:18:53.220 up a few things, but then we can head out. Yeah, 00:18:53.299 --> 00:18:54.740 that's fine with me. Well, if you're going in, 00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:57.660 I can jump in and then get out there. That makes 00:18:57.660 --> 00:18:59.819 sense. No, you gotta loot the guitar. I know 00:18:59.819 --> 00:19:02.890 it. How can I loot it if you're there? That's 00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:05.789 the trick at which it leaves. What? I didn't 00:19:05.789 --> 00:19:07.930 follow that either. He'll lock up. I'll see how 00:19:07.930 --> 00:19:10.990 he locks up. Sorry, I really shouldn't be spilling 00:19:10.990 --> 00:19:12.789 my secrets. I think we both know what's going 00:19:12.789 --> 00:19:16.390 to happen. Listen, I'm just Josh, and I'm just, 00:19:16.490 --> 00:19:18.789 you know. I know you're stressed. You think I 00:19:18.789 --> 00:19:21.089 have a real vendetta for taking the instruments 00:19:21.089 --> 00:19:23.750 from your shop. And you know what? If there was 00:19:23.750 --> 00:19:25.450 another music shop in town, I'd target them. 00:19:25.650 --> 00:19:27.569 All right. All right, you can come with us. Okay, 00:19:27.690 --> 00:19:29.329 you can watch me lock up, but you do have to 00:19:29.329 --> 00:19:31.549 help us lift the envelope. That's fair trading, 00:19:31.589 --> 00:19:35.170 I think. Alright. Alright, well that's that. 00:19:38.690 --> 00:19:41.569 Not everyone is against the inherent violence 00:19:41.569 --> 00:19:45.230 of war. Some people have been waiting a long 00:19:45.230 --> 00:19:51.319 time for their chance to spray bullets. Looks 00:19:51.319 --> 00:19:54.259 like it's finally happening. It's what we've 00:19:54.259 --> 00:19:55.759 been waiting for. It's what we've been training 00:19:55.759 --> 00:19:58.400 for. I've been working forearms this week, boys. 00:19:58.619 --> 00:20:00.700 Forearms? They're glistening. For the trigger 00:20:00.700 --> 00:20:03.019 finger. You are dripping with sweat, my friend. 00:20:03.319 --> 00:20:06.799 I want to shoot! You know what I don't like about 00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:09.579 war, though? What? All these clothes we have 00:20:09.579 --> 00:20:13.960 to wear. I agree. All this camouflage hides your 00:20:13.960 --> 00:20:17.369 rippling bods. You know, Predator... Arnie's 00:20:17.369 --> 00:20:19.250 there and he's walking around the jungle. He's 00:20:19.250 --> 00:20:22.029 all naked from the torso up. And he's got his 00:20:22.029 --> 00:20:24.730 bandeau of bullets on his back. Why are we not 00:20:24.730 --> 00:20:26.650 doing that right now? That's what I was just 00:20:26.650 --> 00:20:29.089 about to say. You need camouflage, body paint. 00:20:29.250 --> 00:20:32.710 Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Body paint. Oh, 00:20:32.910 --> 00:20:35.170 I thought you said volophon. I will paint your 00:20:35.170 --> 00:20:36.809 body right now. I don't think there's enough 00:20:36.809 --> 00:20:39.950 paint in this village to cover your traps, bro. 00:20:40.009 --> 00:20:41.809 That is true, my friend. That is bloody true. 00:20:42.469 --> 00:20:45.349 Gentlemen, I'm so glad we got you together. How 00:20:45.349 --> 00:20:48.009 did you see us? You're very well hidden. However, 00:20:48.150 --> 00:20:52.049 I am a spy. And it's wonderful I can see you 00:20:52.049 --> 00:20:55.910 because I've been trained by the army. So, I've 00:20:55.910 --> 00:20:58.369 been sent to you to tell you a very special mission. 00:20:58.609 --> 00:21:00.390 Ma 'am, you have a mission for us? Might I just 00:21:00.390 --> 00:21:04.789 say, ma 'am? Might I just say, your biceps. You 00:21:04.789 --> 00:21:07.809 are jacked. You are so jacked. Oh, you're jacked. 00:21:07.890 --> 00:21:13.069 Oh, lads, you must stop. Thank you so much. Your 00:21:13.069 --> 00:21:17.609 mission is to invade France. Well done. You're 00:21:17.609 --> 00:21:19.809 going to do amazing. Thank you so much. I'm off 00:21:19.809 --> 00:21:21.990 now. Thank you, ma 'am. Thank you so much. Invade 00:21:21.990 --> 00:21:25.430 France? We waited 19 years for a mission, lads. 00:21:25.869 --> 00:21:28.450 Wait, sorry, 19 months here for a mission. It 00:21:28.450 --> 00:21:30.470 felt like 19 years. It felt like 19 years, yeah. 00:21:30.529 --> 00:21:32.329 And now, when a war breaks out, we're finally 00:21:32.329 --> 00:21:34.319 getting one. Yeah, but we're going to France. 00:21:35.059 --> 00:21:39.140 I mean, guys, I don't want to say it, but I've 00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:43.299 got gym buddies here. I never thought about it 00:21:43.299 --> 00:21:45.940 like that. We've all got gym buddies here. Of 00:21:45.940 --> 00:21:48.970 course. What if the French don't like our gym 00:21:48.970 --> 00:21:53.410 buddies? No, he's a buddy. He's got a gym body, 00:21:53.470 --> 00:21:58.509 you know. So you're saying that we would have 00:21:58.509 --> 00:22:01.190 to make French friends? I'm saying that I don't 00:22:01.190 --> 00:22:04.349 want to have to lose my friends. Wait, actually, 00:22:04.490 --> 00:22:06.509 it was invade France. It wouldn't be French. 00:22:07.250 --> 00:22:10.470 So we'd have to find anyone jacked. It's all 00:22:10.470 --> 00:22:13.470 right, guys. We can go. We can do this. We're 00:22:13.470 --> 00:22:15.930 going to turn the French press. Back to a bench 00:22:15.930 --> 00:22:21.470 press. Yes, my man. Genius. Your brain is as 00:22:21.470 --> 00:22:27.170 tight as your muscles. But I do want to point 00:22:27.170 --> 00:22:29.529 out, Swat, Swat, Swat, but one second, Swat, 00:22:29.569 --> 00:22:32.529 Swat, wait, Swat, one second, Swat, I need to 00:22:32.529 --> 00:22:34.829 say one thing, Swat. Bro, your vocal cords are 00:22:34.829 --> 00:22:38.910 so jacked. Thank you. Why are we going to France 00:22:38.910 --> 00:22:42.869 when the war is in Dumbraken? We can't turn down 00:22:42.869 --> 00:22:44.509 a mission from a rippling facility figure. I 00:22:44.509 --> 00:22:46.390 know. I feel bad questioning the motives. What 00:22:46.390 --> 00:22:49.509 is going on with me? Are you saying that Uptop's 00:22:49.509 --> 00:22:52.029 compromised, bro? No way, man. I've been working 00:22:52.029 --> 00:22:55.269 out on my tops. It is not compromised. You are 00:22:55.269 --> 00:22:57.069 not compromised in the slightest. Those doubts, 00:22:57.150 --> 00:23:01.289 bro. Those doubts. Bro, if we stop trusting someone 00:23:01.289 --> 00:23:03.849 rippled as all hell. Who do we trust? Who do 00:23:03.849 --> 00:23:07.349 we start trusting? If anyone's got biceps, that 00:23:07.349 --> 00:23:09.799 defined. I'm going to trust them. We're going 00:23:09.799 --> 00:23:11.539 to France, boys. We're going to France. We're 00:23:11.539 --> 00:23:13.640 going to France. It's been an honor serving with 00:23:13.640 --> 00:23:32.299 you. Bonjour. Hey, I think I'm your partner. 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:35.180 Are you Dave Jones? Yeah, I suppose I am, yeah. 00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:37.839 Yeah. I've been... I'm your partner for this. 00:23:37.859 --> 00:23:38.799 Oh, that's nice. I didn't realize you got put 00:23:38.799 --> 00:23:40.119 on up during the war. I know, yeah. It's nice, 00:23:40.220 --> 00:23:42.900 isn't it? Were you conscripted too? I was conscripted. 00:23:43.079 --> 00:23:45.319 I tried to get out of it. I tried to use my classic 00:23:45.319 --> 00:23:47.740 jury duty lines, but... Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. 00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:50.779 I copied your line. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Thank you. 00:23:50.819 --> 00:23:53.279 Yeah, it worked. That's nice. Yeah. It worked 00:23:53.279 --> 00:23:54.839 for jury duty, but not for this. No, they said 00:23:54.839 --> 00:23:56.819 it was ideal, in fact. Yeah, I know. It's very 00:23:56.819 --> 00:24:00.000 frustrating. There's one horse. I don't know 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.960 how you want to play it. Um... We shoot it at 00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:06.319 the same time? What? Hmm? I'll be honest, I don't 00:24:06.319 --> 00:24:09.359 care for horses. We have cars. But we haven't 00:24:09.359 --> 00:24:11.119 got assigned a car. Do you have a car to drive 00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:13.940 around? I got my own one. Oh, well. Not to brag. 00:24:16.279 --> 00:24:18.059 Yeah, if you want to use your car on the war, 00:24:18.140 --> 00:24:20.180 like, if you want to drive around, see if you 00:24:20.180 --> 00:24:22.859 want to run into the enemy. No, just for, like, 00:24:22.900 --> 00:24:24.700 transport. No, if you're going to use it on the 00:24:24.700 --> 00:24:26.000 war... I don't care for the horse you gave us. 00:24:26.180 --> 00:24:28.859 It has a bad attitude. Yeah, so I'm telling you, 00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:31.259 you can use the car if you want. It's fine. But 00:24:31.259 --> 00:24:33.920 you gotta hit an enemy. Anytime you activate 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:36.279 the car, you gotta go and drive it into them. 00:24:36.700 --> 00:24:40.339 I actually like the horse, though. I have developed 00:24:40.339 --> 00:24:42.980 quite a relationship and rapport with the horse. 00:24:43.160 --> 00:24:44.839 Yeah, you know what? If you would stop interrupting 00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:46.660 me, I'm not asking about the car. I'm asking 00:24:46.660 --> 00:24:47.779 if we can get a trailer. Can we get a horse trailer? 00:24:47.940 --> 00:24:49.799 Yeah, that's what I'm asking for. Oh, I'm so 00:24:49.799 --> 00:24:52.400 sorry. You know what? After the war, you wanna 00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:55.980 hang? I would love to. This would be nice. Do 00:24:55.980 --> 00:24:58.859 we have the same conversation after we get out 00:24:58.859 --> 00:25:01.759 of jury duty? No, I got questioned by the police 00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:04.220 afterwards. On account of the things they said. 00:25:04.819 --> 00:25:06.759 They thought I was just copying you, so I had 00:25:06.759 --> 00:25:08.839 to lean into it. Oh, what you do there is you 00:25:08.839 --> 00:25:10.960 say, but I don't have a gun, so I can't shoot 00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:12.839 them. But I did. Oh, you had the gun, you waved 00:25:12.839 --> 00:25:14.700 it around, you showed them? I didn't wave it, 00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:17.319 I just, you know, lifted my jacket. Like they 00:25:17.319 --> 00:25:20.339 do in the movies. In a threatening way? I was 00:25:20.339 --> 00:25:23.279 just sort of showing them off. Oh, wow. I said 00:25:23.279 --> 00:25:25.299 I don't have a gun, so although I would kill 00:25:25.299 --> 00:25:27.000 someone, I can't because I don't have a gun. 00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:29.450 I've got two if you want one. It's really interesting 00:25:29.450 --> 00:25:31.470 what the war brings out in people, and it's really 00:25:31.470 --> 00:25:33.970 nice to see your relationship developing. I really 00:25:33.970 --> 00:25:36.309 think I'm thriving right now. Yeah. No, it's 00:25:36.309 --> 00:25:38.990 nice. As a superior commanding officer, can I 00:25:38.990 --> 00:25:41.049 have his gun? You didn't give me a gun. You gave 00:25:41.049 --> 00:25:42.369 me a horse. I didn't realize you were my superior. 00:25:42.589 --> 00:25:45.569 No, no, we're partners, but this guy here's... 00:25:45.569 --> 00:25:47.670 This guy? Yeah, this guy. The guy that conscripted 00:25:47.670 --> 00:25:50.650 us. Yeah. Well, he just worked at me. Hey, I 00:25:50.650 --> 00:25:52.490 didn't conscript you. I'm just giving the news. 00:25:52.930 --> 00:25:56.509 The gun laws, they're familial. If you can prove 00:25:56.509 --> 00:25:59.089 your family... That's gone now. Well, he slept 00:25:59.089 --> 00:26:01.710 with my sister. Well, I mean, that kind of brings 00:26:01.710 --> 00:26:04.150 you closer together, I suppose. I would say we 00:26:04.150 --> 00:26:05.650 were never further apart. It was the opposite. 00:26:05.950 --> 00:26:08.869 Maybe brought us closer, but him and my sister 00:26:08.869 --> 00:26:11.109 do not get along. It's weird because we do still 00:26:11.109 --> 00:26:13.309 sleep together. Yeah. But we just don't like 00:26:13.309 --> 00:26:16.150 each other. Don't work as a couple, but in bed. 00:26:16.750 --> 00:26:19.089 It just works. Look, it's war times. I get it. 00:26:19.109 --> 00:26:21.089 I think it's because we both like to fire the 00:26:21.089 --> 00:26:23.509 guns. They fire the guns when they're orgasming. 00:26:23.670 --> 00:26:26.670 Oh, really? Oh, not just then. Oh, that makes 00:26:26.670 --> 00:26:28.769 so much more sense. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it's 00:26:28.769 --> 00:26:30.390 like you're climaxing twice. That's what I've 00:26:30.390 --> 00:26:34.089 heard. You're wrong. Am I? Yeah. Is it not? Who 00:26:34.089 --> 00:26:37.210 told me that? Who told me that? The guns is like 00:26:37.210 --> 00:26:40.890 climaxing twice. So the horse trailer. Can we 00:26:40.890 --> 00:26:42.089 get a trailer for our horse? Yeah, you can get 00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:43.690 the fucking horse trailer. It's fine. What's 00:26:43.690 --> 00:26:46.369 with the attitude from this guy? We're in wartime. 00:26:46.519 --> 00:26:50.480 lad no need to be mean yeah it's fucking wartime 00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:52.900 we've asked you some very civilized questions 00:26:52.900 --> 00:26:55.539 we didn't want to be here why do you get the 00:26:55.539 --> 00:26:57.819 gift of grace of patience and i don't get it 00:26:57.819 --> 00:27:00.440 all i wanted was for me and my partner to share 00:27:00.440 --> 00:27:03.400 two guns and get a horse box for our horse and 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:05.579 i'm saying yeah you can do that so why are you 00:27:05.579 --> 00:27:07.539 doing it with such an attitude because i'm fucking 00:27:07.539 --> 00:27:09.859 pissed off right this is the problem this is 00:27:09.859 --> 00:27:11.779 who we should be fighting against can i be honest 00:27:12.220 --> 00:27:14.039 He still hasn't told me which side I'm on. Right? 00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:15.720 Do you know which side you're on? No, because 00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:17.539 he could be the enemy, and that's the problem. 00:27:17.619 --> 00:27:21.299 You can pick. It's whoever. You can't conscript 00:27:21.299 --> 00:27:24.779 for both sides. I can. Well, that's me stumped, 00:27:24.779 --> 00:27:28.059 to be fair. You are above us. They just said, 00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:31.259 here, Joey, conscription, get him in. And I said, 00:27:31.279 --> 00:27:33.700 all right, lad, I'll get him in. Here we are. 00:27:34.279 --> 00:27:36.500 Well, could you conscript my sister, because 00:27:36.500 --> 00:27:39.180 then he might stop sleeping with her. No. Yeah. 00:27:39.259 --> 00:27:41.430 No, I can't do that. Can you make sure she were 00:27:41.430 --> 00:27:43.329 conscripted to opposite sides? Because I think 00:27:43.329 --> 00:27:46.970 that would be pretty hot. God damn it. No. Put 00:27:46.970 --> 00:27:49.609 her on the same side. Make her his partner. No, 00:27:49.609 --> 00:27:51.130 actually, no. I don't want to lose you. Make 00:27:51.130 --> 00:27:52.609 her my partner. No, that doesn't work either. 00:27:52.849 --> 00:27:55.150 What if I make her my partner? You're not on 00:27:55.150 --> 00:27:56.450 the front lines. That wouldn't work. Ah, you're 00:27:56.450 --> 00:27:58.950 right. Yeah. No, I mean, can you just imagine? 00:27:59.289 --> 00:28:01.369 It's like Christmas Eve during World War II. 00:28:01.470 --> 00:28:05.690 She's there. When the two sides cross and just 00:28:05.690 --> 00:28:08.599 embrace each other. They didn't just start hugging. 00:28:08.940 --> 00:28:10.720 Well, they played football, didn't they? No, 00:28:10.720 --> 00:28:12.680 they slept with each other. They slept with each 00:28:12.680 --> 00:28:14.660 other. They played footy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, 00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:17.259 they played football. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. 00:28:17.339 --> 00:28:19.059 They weren't fucking in the trenches. They were 00:28:19.059 --> 00:28:20.640 fucking in the trenches. You don't know that. 00:28:20.740 --> 00:28:22.200 You don't know they were fucking in the trenches. 00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:24.200 My granddad wasn't World War II. I know they 00:28:24.200 --> 00:28:25.180 were fucking. Oh, did he tell you? Did he tell 00:28:25.180 --> 00:28:27.599 you they were fucking in the trenches? Yes, and 00:28:27.599 --> 00:28:29.839 you know what? Klaus is my second granddad, and 00:28:29.839 --> 00:28:31.420 I love him very dearly. That's how they met. 00:28:31.859 --> 00:28:34.720 I'm Sue. Sorry to end if you have a brother who 00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:38.309 loves No Man's Land. Claire, get out of here. 00:28:38.549 --> 00:28:41.250 Brother, I love you, but honestly... I swear 00:28:41.250 --> 00:28:44.309 to God. He's really sexy. I think it's the uniform. 00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:48.390 I love a man in uniform. I'm wearing the same 00:28:48.390 --> 00:28:50.710 uniform. It should turn her off equally then. 00:28:50.970 --> 00:28:54.390 Do you have a donkey permit at all? No, we don't. 00:28:54.390 --> 00:28:57.049 Just horses and cars and trailers. Just horses 00:28:57.049 --> 00:29:00.230 and cars? And guns, kind of. That's really sexy. 00:29:00.450 --> 00:29:03.470 Claire, could you stop sleeping with my partner 00:29:03.470 --> 00:29:07.579 and shooting a lot of guns when you... Both do 00:29:07.579 --> 00:29:10.900 and don't climax, I guess. That's the best part. 00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:16.500 Yeah. Gunpowder gets me off. Have you never smelled 00:29:16.500 --> 00:29:19.420 the gunpowder? Have you never smelled the residue? 00:29:19.819 --> 00:29:22.140 No, because I don't get a chance to meet people 00:29:22.140 --> 00:29:24.180 because you two are always fucking, so someone 00:29:24.180 --> 00:29:27.420 has to keep watch. Okay, how about this? I know 00:29:27.420 --> 00:29:30.400 a great donkey farm nearby. Is it a sanctuary? 00:29:30.980 --> 00:29:41.630 What the fuck? Remember the parent who looted 00:29:41.630 --> 00:29:44.769 a piano for their child? We caught up with the 00:29:44.769 --> 00:29:57.750 child to see just how he was getting on. Tommy, 00:29:57.789 --> 00:29:59.769 you've been coming to these lessons for six weeks 00:29:59.769 --> 00:30:04.009 now. These scales are just... They're just not 00:30:04.009 --> 00:30:06.309 up to standard. Have you even been practicing? 00:30:06.890 --> 00:30:10.049 A little. A little. Do you want to go on the 00:30:10.049 --> 00:30:14.269 front lines, Tommy? Of course I do. You do? Oh, 00:30:14.289 --> 00:30:17.309 that's okay. Then stop practicing. No, I want 00:30:17.309 --> 00:30:20.130 to be there scoring the battle. As it's happening, 00:30:20.190 --> 00:30:23.309 I want to be there with a keyboard, running alongside 00:30:23.309 --> 00:30:27.509 the trips. Well, if that's your dream, then that's 00:30:27.509 --> 00:30:28.869 all well and good, but you're not going to get 00:30:28.869 --> 00:30:31.269 there with this level of dedication. Right, I'm 00:30:31.269 --> 00:30:34.369 sorry. I just get distracted sometimes. What's 00:30:34.369 --> 00:30:36.150 there to be distracted about? There's either 00:30:36.150 --> 00:30:39.279 the gunfire... Or there's the keys. Oh, that's 00:30:39.279 --> 00:30:41.519 true. Yeah, I've just got to pick one. But then 00:30:41.519 --> 00:30:44.279 every time I hear gunfire, I'm like, whoa. And 00:30:44.279 --> 00:30:47.019 then I forget about my dream. Because I think, 00:30:47.079 --> 00:30:49.299 oh, one of these days I'm going to be handed 00:30:49.299 --> 00:30:51.539 a gun. But I don't want a gun. I want to inspire 00:30:51.539 --> 00:30:55.619 trips. My dad got me a piano. Yeah, I know. I've 00:30:55.619 --> 00:30:58.599 seen it. It's too heavy for the front lines. 00:30:59.319 --> 00:31:03.319 But his intention was there. Well, look, it's 00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:06.269 going to take some work here. Some engineering 00:31:06.269 --> 00:31:08.490 for you to be able to do that. I could get a 00:31:08.490 --> 00:31:11.369 keytar. There's a shop I could loot. There's 00:31:11.369 --> 00:31:14.230 the shop that this piano came from. Yeah, yeah. 00:31:14.970 --> 00:31:16.750 Yeah, but I don't think we can really get you 00:31:16.750 --> 00:31:18.730 onto the keytar yet until we at least get your 00:31:18.730 --> 00:31:22.349 basic skills down, Tommy. All I'm waiting for 00:31:22.349 --> 00:31:27.069 is the first chair of the front line to be shot, 00:31:27.210 --> 00:31:29.829 and then it could be me up there on the keytar 00:31:29.829 --> 00:31:33.299 scoring them. So I just need one man to... Like, 00:31:33.319 --> 00:31:34.740 as soon as he goes down, they're going to need 00:31:34.740 --> 00:31:36.339 a replacement. So you're right, I've got to get 00:31:36.339 --> 00:31:38.759 better. I could be called up at any moment. Any 00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:41.019 second. God, you're right. I haven't been focused 00:31:41.019 --> 00:31:44.839 enough. Thank you, Mr. Johnson. Thank you. 20 00:31:44.839 --> 00:31:48.740 press -ups. Okay. Should I be playing while I'm 00:31:48.740 --> 00:31:55.140 doing it? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 00:31:55.220 --> 00:31:58.660 That was one. And to be honest, Tommy, I don't 00:31:58.660 --> 00:32:00.339 think you were really trying there. That wasn't 00:32:00.339 --> 00:32:03.319 low enough. Oh, come on, Mr. Johnson. Come on, 00:32:03.380 --> 00:32:05.640 it's hard to reach up to the piano at the same 00:32:05.640 --> 00:32:12.019 time. B minor. Okay, okay. You gotta will to 00:32:12.019 --> 00:32:14.079 want it. You gotta will it. You gotta want it. 00:32:15.079 --> 00:32:17.819 I'm gonna score it for the boys. They're gonna 00:32:17.819 --> 00:32:23.339 be... They're gonna be triumphant. Was that one? 00:32:23.619 --> 00:32:27.859 Not quite my temper. Okay, sorry. Slower or faster? 00:32:28.099 --> 00:32:29.839 I'm not going to tell you that. You think they're 00:32:29.839 --> 00:32:31.759 going to tell you that on the front lines, Tommy? 00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:33.319 You're right. You've got to just play it as it's 00:32:33.319 --> 00:32:35.240 going. Yeah, what if they're all using pistols 00:32:35.240 --> 00:32:36.819 to be slower, but if they're in machine guns, 00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:39.640 a beat per minute would be fast. Okay. Inspire. 00:32:40.200 --> 00:32:45.680 Inspire. Oh, no. A grenade's going off. Not with 00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:48.619 your mouth. You've got to play it with your fingers. 00:32:48.980 --> 00:32:51.660 I know what I want to sound like, so it's easier 00:32:51.660 --> 00:32:54.670 with my mouth. Can I just have a speaker? Can 00:32:54.670 --> 00:32:57.170 I just have a microphone? I'm a piano teacher. 00:32:57.369 --> 00:32:59.690 If you wanted to sing, you could go down the 00:32:59.690 --> 00:33:04.849 road. No, I want to inspire. My songs will just 00:33:04.849 --> 00:33:08.309 probably demoralize them. It's alright. I'll 00:33:08.309 --> 00:33:10.509 see you the same time next week. Okay, I'll work 00:33:10.509 --> 00:33:12.690 really hard this week, I swear. You're only going 00:33:12.690 --> 00:33:15.089 to let yourself down if you don't. Not only myself, 00:33:15.269 --> 00:33:17.190 but... Probably your whole family. Yeah, the 00:33:17.190 --> 00:33:19.970 man on the front lines too. True. No, I'm going 00:33:19.970 --> 00:33:21.650 to work really hard. You'll see a changed man 00:33:21.650 --> 00:33:24.049 next week. Don't waste my time, Tom. I won't. 00:33:24.069 --> 00:33:26.730 I promise. I promise, Mr. Johnson. You're going 00:33:26.730 --> 00:33:29.769 to see a changed man. A good man. All right. 00:33:29.789 --> 00:33:38.410 Good luck. Thank you. Sometimes in war, armies 00:33:38.410 --> 00:33:41.430 don't have the luxury of using trained soldiers. 00:33:42.089 --> 00:33:45.210 And regular people, if called upon, don't have 00:33:45.210 --> 00:33:49.470 the luxury of saying no. They do have the luxury, 00:33:49.630 --> 00:33:59.529 however, of trying to escape. One of the privates 00:33:59.529 --> 00:34:01.829 said that you two were looking to defect and 00:34:01.829 --> 00:34:04.789 leave the army. And I just want to say, guys, 00:34:04.829 --> 00:34:06.829 that that would really be, I would rather you 00:34:06.829 --> 00:34:09.630 stay, to be honest. I'm kind of done with war. 00:34:09.829 --> 00:34:12.539 Yeah. We're all done with war, but you can't 00:34:12.539 --> 00:34:15.199 just leave. So defect. Leave. You can't just 00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:16.699 leave. Where are you going to go? To the other 00:34:16.699 --> 00:34:20.019 side? That's still a war, guys. No, we can not 00:34:20.019 --> 00:34:22.940 be in between. We can be pacifists. Oh, you're 00:34:22.940 --> 00:34:24.860 going to make a little pacifist militia on your 00:34:24.860 --> 00:34:27.019 own? Well, you'll be the first ones that we shoot. 00:34:27.219 --> 00:34:30.840 You know the mayor is on my ass to keep the morale 00:34:30.840 --> 00:34:34.059 up and keep everyone shooting his citizens. You 00:34:34.059 --> 00:34:36.980 can't do that. That's unfair. What do you mean 00:34:36.980 --> 00:34:41.119 it's unfair? We're not going to shoot back. engage 00:34:41.119 --> 00:34:43.739 with this. We're just trying to you know mind 00:34:43.739 --> 00:34:46.800 our peace. I understand that but whenever you 00:34:46.800 --> 00:34:49.019 get conscripted you lose all rights as a human 00:34:49.019 --> 00:34:51.059 being. You just got to do what's said. I don't 00:34:51.059 --> 00:34:53.500 think that's true. Do you think that's true Percy? 00:34:53.739 --> 00:34:55.639 No. Not all the rights. What was the last book 00:34:55.639 --> 00:34:58.079 you read? What? What was the last book you read? 00:34:58.139 --> 00:35:01.920 It's probably Harry Potter 1 isn't it? No. No. 00:35:02.519 --> 00:35:07.280 No. Aye. this off my desk right now? I just started 00:35:07.280 --> 00:35:09.099 the Harry Potter books, and then the war kicked 00:35:09.099 --> 00:35:11.500 off, and I want to get back to it. He's really 00:35:11.500 --> 00:35:14.719 worried about Hedwig. I have one and two. I haven't 00:35:14.719 --> 00:35:17.039 got to two, but you can have my copy of two if 00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:18.699 it'll keep you in the war. Look, okay, maybe 00:35:18.699 --> 00:35:19.860 we can make some deals. I've got all seven, I 00:35:19.860 --> 00:35:21.780 just don't have time to read them. Why don't 00:35:21.780 --> 00:35:23.619 you read them on patrol? You can't be doing much 00:35:23.619 --> 00:35:26.619 out there. Wait, hold on a second. Tell us we 00:35:26.619 --> 00:35:28.559 can't defect because we've got to be in the army 00:35:28.559 --> 00:35:29.639 because we've got to fight, but you're saying 00:35:29.639 --> 00:35:31.679 we can read on patrol? Hey, as long as our people 00:35:31.679 --> 00:35:33.719 don't see you doing your shit, you can do whatever 00:35:33.719 --> 00:35:34.679 you want. What do you mean our people? What about 00:35:34.679 --> 00:35:37.320 their people? If they see you, they'll try and 00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:39.920 kill you, yeah. Hey, Homer, if we're allowed 00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:43.159 to read on patrol, I'm staying. Percy, if you 00:35:43.159 --> 00:35:46.199 read on patrol, you'll be seen by the other side. 00:35:46.260 --> 00:35:48.639 They'll shoot you. And then you'll be able to 00:35:48.639 --> 00:35:50.400 see what happens to Hedwig. One of yous bounce 00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:52.239 around like one of you read to the other one. 00:35:52.360 --> 00:35:55.659 So one's always aware, spotting, you know. You're 00:35:55.659 --> 00:35:57.519 looking out, Homer. That's how we get to sleep. 00:35:58.059 --> 00:36:01.119 Oh, yeah, that's tough. So, like, if he reads 00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:04.199 to me, I'll fall asleep. Well, you understand 00:36:04.199 --> 00:36:06.119 what I mean. Well, look, how about this? There's 00:36:06.119 --> 00:36:09.400 a group of 20 new privates that have been conscripted 00:36:09.400 --> 00:36:12.829 in last Thursday. Like you can take your pick 00:36:12.829 --> 00:36:14.949 of like one or two of them who will just read 00:36:14.949 --> 00:36:17.510 to you or stay up or something. Look, I'm all 00:36:17.510 --> 00:36:20.889 about your sergeants. You can't just leave. Percy, 00:36:20.969 --> 00:36:24.030 this guy just said there's 20 new people joining 00:36:24.030 --> 00:36:25.989 and he won't let two people leave. Yeah, because 00:36:25.989 --> 00:36:27.789 they don't know the stuff. If you were to train 00:36:27.789 --> 00:36:29.969 them up to sergeant. Oh, we don't know anything. 00:36:30.150 --> 00:36:32.829 You just keep putting medals on us. Such a Slytherin 00:36:32.829 --> 00:36:35.309 thing. You're so manipulative. Yeah, and ambitious. 00:36:35.610 --> 00:36:37.829 I don't understand what that means. It's not 00:36:37.829 --> 00:36:40.400 good. You know, we've only made it this far because 00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:43.880 of our Hufflepuff values. Mediocrity. Flying 00:36:43.880 --> 00:36:46.039 under the radar. Literally unfigurable. And finding 00:36:46.039 --> 00:36:48.619 things? Is that a Hufflepuff thing? Yeah, I mean, 00:36:48.639 --> 00:36:50.619 we find things. Yeah, I found a whole set of 00:36:50.619 --> 00:36:52.679 Harry Potter. Yeah. You found that out there? 00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:56.000 Mm -hmm. Wow. I found the library that those 00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:57.699 books were in. Look, what are you going to do 00:36:57.699 --> 00:37:00.699 for food? Then we burned it down. What? What 00:37:00.699 --> 00:37:02.059 are you going to do for food? It's dangerous 00:37:02.059 --> 00:37:05.139 out there for just random citizens. Well, firstly, 00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:08.570 we hope that when we defect... We're not just 00:37:08.570 --> 00:37:10.429 random citizens to you, but you're friends. And 00:37:10.429 --> 00:37:12.530 we're going to start a small pig farm. To me, 00:37:12.530 --> 00:37:14.849 you'd be friends. You'll of course be friends. 00:37:14.889 --> 00:37:17.210 Why do you think I keep pinning medals on you? 00:37:17.349 --> 00:37:19.869 I like you guys. I like what you're bringing 00:37:19.869 --> 00:37:21.610 to this outfit. But you can't buy friendship 00:37:21.610 --> 00:37:23.869 with just medals. You don't know that. Everyone 00:37:23.869 --> 00:37:25.969 says they can't, but no one ever gets a chance 00:37:25.969 --> 00:37:28.429 to try it. And now I'm trying it. Well, it's 00:37:28.429 --> 00:37:31.309 not working. If you want to be our friend, let 00:37:31.309 --> 00:37:34.960 us read the book. Let us read the book. You can't 00:37:34.960 --> 00:37:36.659 read the book. You just need to take one of the 00:37:36.659 --> 00:37:39.219 privates out on patrol with you. I'm trying to 00:37:39.219 --> 00:37:43.199 acquiesce. Let us read the book as free men. 00:37:43.719 --> 00:37:45.659 I'm trying to read June. I want to know about 00:37:45.659 --> 00:37:51.000 the Fremen. Guys, if I lose two sergeants, I'll 00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:54.000 get it in the flak. They will say, why did you 00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:56.980 pin it on people who couldn't be trusted? They're 00:37:56.980 --> 00:37:58.920 going to say you have no honour. That's what 00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:00.900 they say about people who defect. You lose two 00:38:00.900 --> 00:38:03.380 sergeants, but you'll gain two friends. We can 00:38:03.380 --> 00:38:04.119 tell you all about Harry Potter. You just said 00:38:04.119 --> 00:38:06.159 we weren't friends. No, but we can be if you 00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:08.159 let us go. But if you're going to force us to 00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.460 just fight, well, I'm not going to be frenzy. 00:38:10.480 --> 00:38:12.519 I'm going to resent you. Yeah. I do resent you. 00:38:12.599 --> 00:38:14.579 Oh, no. No, don't resent him yet. I know I do. 00:38:14.579 --> 00:38:16.699 Let's just see what he does. Oh, it seems like 00:38:16.699 --> 00:38:19.139 he's going to have us fight. Okay. Well, if you 00:38:19.139 --> 00:38:23.980 want us to fight, then let's fight. There you 00:38:23.980 --> 00:38:26.909 go. You happy? I shot him. Why did you shoot 00:38:26.909 --> 00:38:29.230 Homer? Because you want us to fight. Percy! He'll 00:38:29.230 --> 00:38:32.469 be fine. It's just in the gut. He's Hufflepuff. 00:38:32.909 --> 00:38:34.690 They're strong. Homer, I'll get the first... 00:38:34.690 --> 00:38:37.409 Okay. They're strong and brave. Wait. Now that 00:38:37.409 --> 00:38:39.670 you've been wounded... Percy, the thing is, now 00:38:39.670 --> 00:38:42.750 that Homer's been wounded, he can go home. Honorably 00:38:42.750 --> 00:38:44.909 discharged. He can be honorably discharged. Now 00:38:44.909 --> 00:38:47.050 what are you going to do? I'm not going to shoot 00:38:47.050 --> 00:38:49.750 you. I was going to shoot him so that then he 00:38:49.750 --> 00:38:52.769 could say, you tried to stop us and we couldn't... 00:38:52.769 --> 00:38:55.380 I'm going to... This is a long and painful death. 00:38:55.539 --> 00:38:57.300 Just there, take my gun. You're going to be fine. 00:38:57.519 --> 00:39:00.219 Shoot me. I don't want your gun. I'm not going 00:39:00.219 --> 00:39:02.780 to shoot you. And if you shoot yourself, they'll 00:39:02.780 --> 00:39:05.079 know, because the bullets are different. I'm 00:39:05.079 --> 00:39:07.699 too scared to shoot myself. Yeah. No, no, guys, 00:39:07.900 --> 00:39:09.659 it was a false alarm. Don't worry about it. Just 00:39:09.659 --> 00:39:14.460 a normal shot. Hey, Hedwig dies. No, he doesn't. 00:39:14.480 --> 00:39:18.059 He does. No, he doesn't. He dies in book seven. 00:39:18.340 --> 00:39:22.579 So you have read June. What? Is that a dune thing? 00:39:22.780 --> 00:39:25.340 No, it's a Harry Potter thing. Oh, okay. So that 00:39:25.340 --> 00:39:27.260 would make more sense. That's a spoiler for you 00:39:27.260 --> 00:39:30.239 as well. He dies. Hedwig. Oh, no. He's an owl. 00:39:30.300 --> 00:39:34.099 The owl. No. I've forgotten his name. Hedwig. 00:39:34.480 --> 00:39:38.900 I know now. Ah. I want to shoot him now, but 00:39:38.900 --> 00:39:40.719 he's already been shot. Take my gun. I'm happy 00:39:40.719 --> 00:39:42.739 for you to shoot him. No, he's already been shot. 00:39:42.820 --> 00:39:45.900 I've already sent for a medic. You know what? 00:39:46.300 --> 00:39:49.380 I thought Percy's Pig Farm, you know, shortly 00:39:49.380 --> 00:39:51.869 thereafter, followed by... Homer's Horses would 00:39:51.869 --> 00:39:56.090 have been a great farm, educational centre, children's 00:39:56.090 --> 00:39:59.110 play area, but you've ruined it all by shooting 00:39:59.110 --> 00:40:01.630 me. I haven't ruined it. You've shot me in the 00:40:01.630 --> 00:40:03.769 gut. You're getting discharged. You get out of 00:40:03.769 --> 00:40:05.469 this. Yeah, Doctor, just do whatever you need 00:40:05.469 --> 00:40:07.269 to do. Come on in. Don't listen, but just do 00:40:07.269 --> 00:40:11.250 whatever you need to do. That's very sweet. I'm 00:40:11.250 --> 00:40:14.269 willing to shoot you, and then I could say that 00:40:14.269 --> 00:40:16.949 it was because you shot, you defected. But then 00:40:16.949 --> 00:40:20.320 you can't be a peaceful defector. The army will 00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:23.159 come to Percy's pig farm, and maybe even Homer's 00:40:23.159 --> 00:40:26.500 horses, and they will hunt you both down. Well, 00:40:26.519 --> 00:40:27.980 maybe not you, Homer, I guess. It's probably 00:40:27.980 --> 00:40:29.300 just Percy. I'm not doing it anymore. I don't 00:40:29.300 --> 00:40:31.599 want to start a business with this guy. He's 00:40:31.599 --> 00:40:33.900 shot me in the gut. Yeah, that is... That's tough 00:40:33.900 --> 00:40:35.420 to come back from. You can go off and live your 00:40:35.420 --> 00:40:37.340 dreams with your horses now. It sounds like you 00:40:37.340 --> 00:40:39.119 never even want to do Percy pigs and Homer's 00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:42.960 horses. Why did I read the books first? Look, 00:40:43.099 --> 00:40:45.840 I think this friendship, you don't have to lose 00:40:45.840 --> 00:40:48.969 it. Maybe in the back of your head you remembered 00:40:48.969 --> 00:40:50.989 something in one of those books about medical 00:40:50.989 --> 00:40:53.949 discharge. Maybe he always was letting you go. 00:40:54.010 --> 00:40:56.010 Maybe he was sacrificing himself. You will go 00:40:56.010 --> 00:41:00.650 to, like, military jail. But maybe one of you 00:41:00.650 --> 00:41:03.010 can be free. And, hey, I could give you books 00:41:03.010 --> 00:41:06.829 in there. No. If I get to read books in prison, 00:41:06.969 --> 00:41:10.110 I'll do that. And you, once you're patched up, 00:41:10.190 --> 00:41:12.349 I guess, you're free to do whatever you want. 00:41:12.750 --> 00:41:15.099 I'm going to start a small stable. I hope it 00:41:15.099 --> 00:41:18.000 does well. We need horses in the army, so if 00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:19.639 you get it up and running in the next couple 00:41:19.639 --> 00:41:22.679 of weeks, let us know. No, I'm not going to tell 00:41:22.679 --> 00:41:24.679 you about it, because you'll take my horses for 00:41:24.679 --> 00:41:28.800 meat. We know we take them for cars. Why do you 00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.199 need horses for cars? Because we don't have enough 00:41:31.199 --> 00:41:33.599 cars, so then some of our patrols get horses. 00:41:33.940 --> 00:41:37.320 Oh, because the horses can't drive. We tried 00:41:37.320 --> 00:41:40.460 that. They can't drive? Yeah, it's a very special 00:41:40.460 --> 00:41:42.820 place, or it would have been. If I hadn't been 00:41:42.820 --> 00:41:44.699 shot in the gut. That's great because a few of 00:41:44.699 --> 00:41:46.639 our privates don't have their driving licenses. 00:41:46.900 --> 00:41:49.920 So if these horses could drive some of our Jeeps, 00:41:49.940 --> 00:41:51.460 that would be amazing. That's why it's always 00:41:51.460 --> 00:41:53.980 referred to as horsepower of cars. Really? Yeah. 00:41:54.300 --> 00:42:00.900 Wow. Fun fact. Well, I'm sorry to end it like 00:42:00.900 --> 00:42:05.719 this. You did this to us. You ruined us. I just 00:42:05.719 --> 00:42:08.380 wanted to be friends. No, you wanted us to be 00:42:08.380 --> 00:42:33.369 in the army. And friends. Hi, guys. Welcome to 00:42:33.369 --> 00:42:37.530 the SpamPod, a new anonymous podcast where we 00:42:37.530 --> 00:42:41.619 spam you with information. Now, you may be wondering, 00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:44.480 why does this host have an American accent? Well, 00:42:44.599 --> 00:42:48.159 we have anonymized our voices. Yeah. As to not 00:42:48.159 --> 00:42:52.059 be, well, you know, arrested. We've been anonymized, 00:42:52.059 --> 00:42:55.719 so we're fine. Yep. Anonymous voices. I'm Phil, 00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:57.719 and you'll never work out that it's me, Phil 00:42:57.719 --> 00:43:02.400 McConnell, under this voice. Um, Phil. Yeah? 00:43:02.659 --> 00:43:05.360 I can't say your name. No, it's fine, because 00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:07.260 my voice has been anonymous. I don't think you're 00:43:07.260 --> 00:43:09.079 getting the whole... No, but now you've said... 00:43:09.599 --> 00:43:11.579 You said your name. I said my name, and if I 00:43:11.579 --> 00:43:13.900 was to say that you were Marticia Hartman, then 00:43:13.900 --> 00:43:15.639 they would never find that out either, because 00:43:15.639 --> 00:43:17.940 you're not sounding like you right now. Phil. 00:43:18.199 --> 00:43:21.699 Marticia, is that you? Oh, my God. No, no. To 00:43:21.699 --> 00:43:24.119 be on the line with you, this is an honor. Wait, 00:43:24.119 --> 00:43:26.019 how did they work that out? Well, um... Marticia, 00:43:26.099 --> 00:43:27.739 what have you done? Well, while we have you on 00:43:27.739 --> 00:43:31.139 the line, do you have any anonymous news about 00:43:31.139 --> 00:43:33.840 the war? Anything going on? Well, I had some 00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:37.079 insight for the rebels, but now that I'm on the 00:43:37.079 --> 00:43:40.079 line with you, I just... I can't believe it. 00:43:40.139 --> 00:43:42.820 You're also on the line with me, Phil, or anyone. 00:43:43.440 --> 00:43:47.460 Phil who? Phil, I'm not telling you. And it's 00:43:47.460 --> 00:43:50.179 not because I don't remember. It's because I'm 00:43:50.179 --> 00:43:53.059 anonymized now. Okay, well, they're moving. Phil 00:43:53.059 --> 00:43:56.139 O 'Connell, I did it. Sorry, fuck. Phil, stop. 00:43:56.199 --> 00:43:58.099 You'll never know because this isn't my voice. 00:43:58.300 --> 00:44:01.400 Have I been anonymized? It's the second mic. 00:44:01.579 --> 00:44:04.119 Have they changed my voice? Your voice is anonymized? 00:44:04.440 --> 00:44:06.880 But your name, like, you can't just say the name. 00:44:06.980 --> 00:44:08.559 They'll never know. They can't attach the two 00:44:08.559 --> 00:44:10.760 things together. That's insane. This voice is 00:44:10.760 --> 00:44:13.440 not Phil. I believe they're doing it in post. 00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:17.559 Ah. Are you some sort of sound engineer there? 00:44:17.599 --> 00:44:19.940 Are you there? No, I just have a basic concept 00:44:19.940 --> 00:44:24.559 of how these things work. Ah, well, if you let 00:44:24.559 --> 00:44:27.920 me know, send me a letter. Phil O 'Connell at 00:44:27.920 --> 00:44:32.159 625. Phil. What? We can cut this. We can cut 00:44:32.159 --> 00:44:33.900 this out. Hello, this is Alan in the booth. Yes. 00:44:34.329 --> 00:44:36.349 Yes, we will be changing the voices in post, 00:44:36.530 --> 00:44:38.469 but when it's going out live, it's just going 00:44:38.469 --> 00:44:41.489 out as is. Oh, Alan, hello. Hi, it's me, Alan 00:44:41.489 --> 00:44:44.250 Smith. Oh, it's been a while. How are you getting 00:44:44.250 --> 00:44:46.289 on? I'm not doing too bad. I'm not really on 00:44:46.289 --> 00:44:47.989 the show. I'm just the engineer, but I was just 00:44:47.989 --> 00:44:50.250 letting you know. Oh, you'll edit this out? This 00:44:50.250 --> 00:44:52.309 will all be edited out for the broadcast version, 00:44:52.409 --> 00:44:55.730 but we are also broadcasting live, so. So I need 00:44:55.730 --> 00:44:58.010 to finish my address. So, Phil, if you'll just 00:44:58.010 --> 00:45:00.550 stop. Maybe just don't keep saying your name. 00:45:00.769 --> 00:45:03.500 And they'll edit this out, but yeah. And what 00:45:03.500 --> 00:45:06.300 an honor it is to be on the show with you, by 00:45:06.300 --> 00:45:08.460 the way. You're very welcome. You're very welcome 00:45:08.460 --> 00:45:11.260 here. Oh, it's a Martitia Hartman. Martitia Hartman. 00:45:11.400 --> 00:45:13.320 M -A -R -T -I -C -I -A. That's me. Nope. You 00:45:13.320 --> 00:45:15.239 don't have to spell it. It's okay. Don't worry. 00:45:15.260 --> 00:45:17.000 You'll never know who you are. They don't know 00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:19.019 that you're at Crescent Lane. They don't know 00:45:19.019 --> 00:45:21.599 that you recently had to give away your dog. 00:45:21.800 --> 00:45:24.619 Is the Hartman with an E or just straight up 00:45:24.619 --> 00:45:27.980 H -A -R -T? Very. Actually, neither. Neither. 00:45:28.179 --> 00:45:32.019 There's a P -H in there. Silent. Silent P. Fascinating. 00:45:32.019 --> 00:45:35.619 Yeah. Phil? You know, I trusted you on this. 00:45:35.960 --> 00:45:38.840 You know, I wanted to support your dreams. I 00:45:38.840 --> 00:45:41.380 wanted to start a podcast with you. Thank you. 00:45:41.420 --> 00:45:43.539 No one will ever know who I am, so they won't 00:45:43.539 --> 00:45:48.079 even know who you're complimenting. Okay. Anyway, 00:45:48.139 --> 00:45:51.199 the rebels, they're moving munitions across town. 00:45:51.460 --> 00:45:53.519 Do you have their names? Yes. We'll anonymize 00:45:53.519 --> 00:45:56.000 them. Anonymize this. We'll change their names. 00:45:56.699 --> 00:46:02.820 Dory. Jerry. Smith. They'll never know. James 00:46:02.820 --> 00:46:07.760 McAvoy, not the actor, and another Jerry, Jerry 00:46:07.760 --> 00:46:11.199 O. Smith. I am not a leak in the organization. 00:46:11.420 --> 00:46:14.840 I just love podcasting. What is your name, sir? 00:46:15.199 --> 00:46:19.820 My name is Barry O. Monaghan. Don't worry, we're 00:46:19.820 --> 00:46:22.239 going to change your name in post and maybe even 00:46:22.239 --> 00:46:25.460 your voice. Now, this is Alan again. Alan Smith 00:46:25.460 --> 00:46:27.780 or a different Alan? It's Alan Smith. Should 00:46:27.780 --> 00:46:32.809 I edit out? The names of the munitions? They're 00:46:32.809 --> 00:46:35.309 all... Every name that we mention is edited out. 00:46:35.349 --> 00:46:37.929 I think we could just start over. No, why would 00:46:37.929 --> 00:46:39.570 we get rid of the names? They have to know who 00:46:39.570 --> 00:46:41.409 it is so they know that's not who I think it 00:46:41.409 --> 00:46:43.349 is because the voice sounds different. They need 00:46:43.349 --> 00:46:45.110 the names to prove that the voices aren't the 00:46:45.110 --> 00:46:48.869 same. Can you edit it right now? Like, that information 00:46:48.869 --> 00:46:51.769 I gave you, can you let me hear what that would 00:46:51.769 --> 00:46:54.150 sound like? Yes. Everything that I just said. 00:46:54.230 --> 00:46:56.489 Yes, I could. Go ahead, then. I'd like to hear 00:46:56.489 --> 00:47:01.880 that. Hello, it is me. I'm calling in to podcast. 00:47:02.940 --> 00:47:07.079 I have information about munitions in the area. 00:47:07.699 --> 00:47:10.599 Alan, Alan, is that Declan in the booth? Is that 00:47:10.599 --> 00:47:13.239 Declan you've got doing those voiceovers? Ah, 00:47:13.340 --> 00:47:16.440 it is. Ah, Declan, how you been? Oh, yeah, you 00:47:16.440 --> 00:47:20.019 know. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're still living at 14 00:47:20.019 --> 00:47:22.400 Oakland Lane, so... That's such a pretty house. 00:47:22.420 --> 00:47:24.199 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with the red door. 00:47:24.519 --> 00:47:28.380 It's nice. My second child just joined St. James. 00:47:28.800 --> 00:47:30.599 Did you give the middle to him? Oh, yeah, yeah. 00:47:30.679 --> 00:47:33.480 After my granddad, Mark. Same one. Lovely. Yeah, 00:47:33.480 --> 00:47:36.940 yeah. That's very nice. You know what? Born 2nd 00:47:36.940 --> 00:47:39.159 of April. Release and remember, same as my pin. 00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:42.300 Is she old enough to have a National Insurance 00:47:42.300 --> 00:47:48.099 number? Yeah, yeah. It's 4567... 3 -4, obviously 00:47:48.099 --> 00:47:50.380 with SC at the front. Well, obviously, yeah. 00:47:50.679 --> 00:47:53.480 It's really easy to remember. It's great. I just 00:47:53.480 --> 00:47:56.079 want to... If I can give a shout -out to the... 00:47:56.079 --> 00:47:59.239 Oh, no, you can't do that. This is anonymized. 00:47:59.340 --> 00:48:01.420 You wouldn't get it. But if we could just give 00:48:01.420 --> 00:48:06.780 an emotional shout -out to the head of the resistance. 00:48:07.039 --> 00:48:09.579 Go ahead. You're on with Marticia Hartman. Marticia 00:48:09.579 --> 00:48:12.320 Hartman. What an honor it is, by the way. Yeah, 00:48:12.320 --> 00:48:14.400 it's me. It's Marticia Hartman. But you'll never 00:48:14.400 --> 00:48:17.519 know. If we could just give anonymous shout out 00:48:17.519 --> 00:48:21.039 to the head of the resistance, Morticia Hartman. 00:48:21.159 --> 00:48:26.000 Wow, real time. Wow, real time. Oh, excellent. 00:48:26.360 --> 00:48:29.920 Oh, excellent. Alan, can we go to a commercial 00:48:29.920 --> 00:48:32.920 break? Alan, can we go to commercial? Great work, 00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:45.800 Declan. Great work. Hello. Do you need to shave 00:48:45.800 --> 00:48:48.679 your balls? This is Phil O 'Connell at Man's 00:48:48.679 --> 00:49:07.960 Gift. Join us next time for part two of the never 00:49:07.960 --> 00:49:25.610 -ending saga of four parts. I may have accidentally 00:49:25.610 --> 00:49:28.369 crashed into your car and driven over a doctor, 00:49:28.510 --> 00:49:30.789 but there's no need to do something drastic. 00:49:31.469 --> 00:49:40.289 My children have nothing to do with horse murder. 00:49:40.389 --> 00:49:44.519 No. I'm only a child, only a boy, only a boy, 00:49:44.539 --> 00:49:46.639 swiftly becoming a man. So you're what, you want 00:49:46.639 --> 00:49:48.860 to sell salt to perverts? What is your plan here? 00:49:49.860 --> 00:49:54.800 WTF? What the actual heck? I just don't appreciate 00:49:54.800 --> 00:49:57.860 being said. I don't sound like I'm Italian. I'm 00:49:57.860 --> 00:50:00.360 clearly Italian. Put the gun down so we can criticise 00:50:00.360 --> 00:50:09.360 you, Phil. Welcome. Back to Dumb Bracken.