North Pole customer service? How can I help?
You picked up?
Yeah, we're open 24 7 3 6 5
I didn't know that. So I could have been just ringing you whenever I wanted?
Yeah, you can follow up anytime. Anytime you're having struggles with anything Christmas related.
That's really good. It has to be Christmas related.
That's really nice to know. Could I just say it's Christmas related to get in the door?
We'd know. You know, pretty quickly whenever it's just someone...
It's starting to feel like this is maybe one of those calls.
Christmas for later, I swear.
Okay.
I rang up, I just didn't know that there were holidays.
Boo.
["The Christmas Tree"]
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Oh, you really, you really shouldn't have.
You really shouldn't have.
But I did.
You really shouldn't have, but you did.
You don't-
And you shouldn't have.
You don't like it?
Ah.
Why did you, what made you, what person, what, why?
Well, you said you like the color white.
Yes.
So it's been your favorite color.
Okay.
And you said the clock in the kitchen was broken
and you told me how much you like polar bears.
Yeah.
So it's just taxidermy.
I don't understand.
Yeah.
The clock's in its chest, it's fine.
Why are you, you don't like it?
Well, we live in a studio flat, don't we?
And-
Yeah, it was hard getting it up the stairs.
I put a lot of work into this.
Yeah, that's great.
Why is it over our bed?
It keeps the heat in, like it's very warm.
Polar bears, they have to be warm.
They live in the Arctic.
So it keeps in the heat around us.
It keeps, and why is it wearing a little hat
and has a cane?
I think that ruins the sort of,
the fear of this terrifying beast that it has a cane
and a little hat on it.
And a t-shirt that says, I love milfs.
You're completely misreading this.
Those are from my late father's belongings.
This-
Your father did love milfs, but like, honestly, like-
This bear was meant to mean more than just a bear
with a clock in it or a little thing
to help us save on heating.
This bear is-
Where did you find this?
Meaningfully, find it?
Where did you find it?
Where did I find it?
Yeah, where did you, how, why is this now?
What was the process?
I had to message 12 different online sellers
where I was able to procure even one paw of this polar bear.
So it's like a Frankenstein monster of a polar bear.
That's why it's like a slightly different shade of white
in all the places, but don't look that odd.
I love my father, okay?
You love your father,
so you Frankensteined a polar bear together
and put it over our bed from my Christmas present.
Happy Christmas.
All you had to say was thank you.
What are you?
I'm, firstly, I'm allergic to fur.
Secondly, it's over our bed.
And thirdly, I don't love milfs.
I'm sorry.
Well, what did you get me?
What, what did I get you?
I got, I got you this bracelet
and it has our initials on it.
It's lovely.
It's, it's, I got it off Etsy.
Hello.
You realize what our initials are?
What our initials are?
Yeah.
Remind me.
Martin Ingram?
Yeah.
Laura Fisher?
Oh.
Of course I know that.
And you're here to tell me you don't like milfs
and yet you've got me a bracelet that says milf on it.
It has, right.
I'm sorry.
Your father hated me.
He did not have that t-shirt.
He did not die in that t-shirt that's saying,
I love milfs as a ship of our relationship.
He loves milfs in a different way.
It has an apostrophe in S.
Did, what?
Did he just fucking, is this, is this-
Your shirt.
Is this polar bears?
Sorry.
I've been under the bed.
I've just been taken present, but it's been a while.
Why is your brother here?
Um, well.
I helped put the bear together.
He, yes, he-
It's an apostrophe, yes.
He loved my father just as much as our father.
Why is your, why is, why is your brother here?
How long have you been under that bed?
Three days.
Yeah.
What did he hear?
Well, he's not in town, has he?
Never has a place to stay.
Too much.
So you said, let's put it under the bed and didn't tell me.
That would ruin the surprise.
So, so the surprise for me, for Christmas,
is a polar bear that says,
I love milfs with a hat and a cane,
and your brother under the bed.
Yes, Laura.
Not just me.
My wife's here too.
What?
Yeah, I'm here as well.
He was gonna get lonely if I wasn't here too, so.
Right, please don't tell me,
please don't tell me you've both been smoking in our flat,
because-
Only under the bed?
Only one of us at a time.
Only under the bed.
Our mattress is Tempur-pedic.
Do you know how expensive it was?
I don't know what that means.
I just let you buy the mattress.
It's not our mattress.
Also, I sourced the trousers.
You sourced the-
For the polar bear.
Do you know how hard it is to find size 74?
In Cornwall.
That was way too big.
That was what I was sourcing for ages.
Yes, I was gonna say,
I was gonna say, it doesn't look like that size.
I find it.
Yeah.
I find it.
Yeah.
Turned out way too big.
By the size of a parachute.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You were buying a size 70, didn't you?
Yeah, no, it was actually 58.
It's 58.
It's a slim polar bear.
It is, it is, isn't it?
He works so hard.
Why was he so hard to get up the stairs then?
Why was he so hard to get up the stairs if he's so slim?
It was length.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, it was hard to get a grip on him too.
Why are you here?
Because you felt like you were gripping dad.
Mine's like dad's dimensions.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
This feels like a really Freudian kind of thing
with your having with this polar bear
that you've given me.
It's bizarre.
I'm really unhappy with this.
Like I've tried to pretend to be like,
oh, you shouldn't have, but you shouldn't have.
Why on earth?
Why on earth did you think this was a good
Christmas present for me?
I just wanted, I just wanted to make it up for you
for last year.
I know. Sorry about that.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was awful.
We're all very sorry about last year.
I'm not taking a return.
But I, but I bought it off, I have a receipt.
Yeah, but what's going on with the t-shirt?
This has been modified.
I had to make it fit the polar bear.
Whenever I give out my creations,
I trust that they go out and remain unmodified.
I don't like it when people alter them.
I think I do a pretty good job.
T-shirt or the polar bear?
I do a good job of the bear.
The t-shirt's an abomination.
Okay, okay.
I just-
And I'm a guy that loves myths.
Yeah, yeah, check my bracelet.
Okay, where'd you get that from?
My wife, my wife got it for me.
And she's who the polar bear-
She loved milk.
Was for, she doesn't like it,
and so I'm trying to return it.
Where did she get it from?
Etsy.
Got a seller.
If you take the bear back,
I'll get it to email you the seller.
Yeah, I could do that, I guess.
You'll take it back.
Wait, I've just found it.
I looked it up, I put in a milk bracelet,
and it came up.
Jesus Christ.
These are pretty sweet.
Yeah.
I'm gonna buy like 20 of them.
Yeah, but don't tell me how much it is,
because that ruins the Christmas present,
that ruins-
You can't know how much a gift costs.
By 19, you get one extra free.
So maybe, you know,
how much does your wife love milk?
Because maybe she bought like 19
and gave you one for free.
Look, are you gonna take the polar bear back or not?
No, I told you, no refunds.
I can take the t-shirt off, and the trousers.
You'd leave the bear nude after it's been clothed?
Doesn't sound right with me.
You told me you wanted nude.
Hello, North Pole customer service.
Hi.
What do you do if you think
Mr. and Mrs. Claus are gonna get divorced?
Mr. and Mrs. Claus would be married happily for millennia.
Yeah, no, and everyone says they'll be together forever,
but sometimes you think they might not be, and-
This is another one of those calls about that song, isn't it?
I saw my husband, and I was like,
I'm gonna get married.
I saw mommy kissing
Santa Claus.
It's just a song.
It's just a song, kid.
I know what I saw.
Don't, you didn't see.
Santa Claus is not the milkman.
He has rules. I want the PS5.
I want the PS5.
And all the games.
All right, give us your address.
Keep your goddamn mouth shut.
Hi, so I'm just looking at the advent calendars.
I was wondering if you could help me find a specific one.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Anything in particular?
Yes, it's an advent calendar for someone
who won't make it to Christmas.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's not for me.
Oh, okay.
Of course, yeah.
I don't have them to hand.
Do you know the specific date?
17th.
God, I'm so sorry.
It's not for me.
Okay.
What if I put some tape on from the 18th onwards?
Well, I would like the last few days to be nice.
You know, I'm looking for something more like up class,
something upscale, you know, with, you know,
like lindwors in them or something like that.
Okay.
I don't want to like tape close a few things
and have like, what, like a tiny Mars bar?
No, no, no, okay.
It's a dear friend, so, you know, I don't mind splurging.
And are you asking that I put the rest of the surprises
of 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, and 25th,
that their prizes scattered throughout
or do you want them all on 17th?
Well, I'm usually not the one who buys up calendars.
So, you know, I'm just sort of wondering if,
if this is a common request if you have one, you know,
bespoke advent calendar?
I can't say it is, but I am always willing
to help out a customer who seems in distress.
I'm not in distress.
Again, it's not for me.
Okay.
I've got a long life ahead of me.
You have, you have a thick shell, sir.
What makes you say that?
I'm quite a sensitive person.
In my experience, as an advent calendar salesman,
you can tell a lot about the advent calendar
someone buys and someone buying a bespoke,
shortened advent calendar, but obviously unmoved
as a thick shell.
Well, I mean, why would I be moved?
Again, it's not for me.
It's for a friend.
A dear friend, you said?
Yes.
I was listening.
Thank you.
You're attentive, but you don't seem to be processing
the information.
I'm processing.
Okay, so I would like to be clear.
I'm processing the important information.
I'm not the one dying, so there's no need to be sad.
Okay, yes.
I think this is where we are really coming
to the grit of the argument.
Well, sorry, not argument.
I think it's just been a discussion.
Yeah, discussion, yes.
My faux pas.
I like your cadence of speech.
I think most people would feel some sort of pain,
premature grief for a dear friend they knew would die.
Well, A, again, it's not me.
B, it hasn't happened yet.
And C, I've got a number of other friends.
I'm very popular.
Okay, so.
You know, I'd like to do a nice thing.
You know, he's a good friend.
He was the best man at my wedding.
Of course, and dear.
I've known him since childhood.
You've already said you're willing to splurge.
Yeah, of course.
How do you feel when he says,
I won't be past the 17th?
What do you think of when you imagine past that date?
It was Christmas Eve.
It was pretty rough for me,
because he's sort of the backbone of a pubcoast team.
So, like, come the 20th, I don't know what I'll do.
You get with sports?
Unfortunately, just dates.
Okay, keep that in mind.
But yeah, you know, it's,
I want to get him something nice.
It's just tough to know what he's into, you know?
Of course.
Ever since he has children, it's all about them now.
Of course.
So like, the sort of place where he's made his background.
Of course, the young kindles.
Yeah, so, I don't know.
What's your most luxurious outfit in calendar?
The most luxurious one is one that says
how much it means to you.
And really, we could make it bespoke.
Give me some words to describe his friend.
Well, he's the only one who truly sees me for who I am.
And he's, you know, he knows when I'm upset before I do.
And he's helped me through some tough times.
When I was sick, he would come over and like, help me,
like even just small things, help me house
and just sort of sit and listen to me.
So, yeah, I think it's a presence
that will be tricky to replace.
My friend, I think you've given me enough for most of the doors.
All right, so what will you put in them?
I am curious now.
Well, for example, the third will obviously be you.
Look after me when I'm sick.
No. The tenth.
Can I just make a...
Is you the only one who truly understands me.
I'm slightly concerned with that one.
I'm concerned he's going to expect me to reciprocate the favor.
Because he's not well right now.
Okay.
Christmas is coming up.
Thank you for that information.
What if I put that one closer to the sixteenth?
So then he wouldn't have much time to expect.
I wouldn't mind being on the staff bed.
Yes. Okay.
So we put it closer to the sixteenth.
He calls you up and you say, okay, I'll come over.
That'd be nice.
Yes. Okay.
See, this is the information that we need. Excellent.
Well, I was really like, I would like him to have actual,
you know, like chocolate or something like that.
You know, an actual thing.
Oh, okay.
Like a Mars bar.
I'm hoping to go more market than that.
Stickers?
Is that more market?
Yes. There's more in it.
I know it's by volume.
What if I said I could make you a chocolate bar
and if you press your lips while it is still solidifying,
it'd be like you giving him a little kiss goodbye.
We're not friends like that.
You could be.
Hmm.
No. Well, how much would that cost?
I would say a friend like you.
We're not friends.
For a good patron like yourself.
Thank you.
You'd be on the house.
Hmm. What's the catch?
No catch.
But maybe tonight you might be visited
by three advent candle makers.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Calendar makers.
You swore a lot there.
So I didn't really catch that.
Could you repeat that?
I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said.
Oh, mom.
You're right there.
Can you get it done?
It's time sensitive.
All right.
Guess gonna, I guess I'll call an ambulance.
(*phone ringing*)
Hey, Tim.
Yeah.
Tim, I'm just calling you
because it's really good news about Carl.
Oh, excellent.
Yeah, he's actually gonna survive until the 21st.
I was thinking make the pub close.
I was thinking we'd get four more days with him,
but sure, yeah.
I mean, what better way to do than spend it,
and get the pub close going.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
Just, you know, with Carl.
Oh, cancel plans.
Yeah, yeah, I cancel plans on you to,
brought him some soup.
I like soup.
Do you want me to call Ryan Deers with some more soup
once I'm finished with our friend?
Well, I've got plans for you,
even if you could do it now, that'd be great.
Sure.
Thanks.
You're a good friend.
It's gonna be my best friend.
North Pole customer service, how can I help?
This is a Christmas call.
(*laughing*)
This is for Christmas related stuff.
Eric, this is your last chance,
and we're gonna bar your number.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I've got my finger.
For Christmas, for Christmas.
Over the block number, Eric.
Don't do that.
We're on first name basis.
Christmas spirit is made up.
I'll do it.
So tell me a Christmas problem,
and we might be able to move forward with this phone call.
Okay.
My wife kissed Santa Claus.
What do you need, Eric?
Tell me what you need and give me your address
and keep your mouth shut.
The number of a good lawyer.
All right, I'll send you that in the post.
Wait, could I have asked for anything?
Could have asked for, you asked-
I could have asked for a good friend.
This genie has one wish,
and you just used it for a good lawyer.
Can I have a good friend?
Nope, you used your wish.
Can I have your number?
Honey, the MILF bracelets have gone crazy this week.
I don't know what, they're selling like crazy.
I don't know what's happened.
I just think the trend's catching on.
Do you think so?
Everyone loves them by definition,
because if you don't love them, they're not a MILF.
That's what the L stands for, love.
Wow.
See, I never felt that way about my own mom.
Well, she doesn't fall under that umbrella then.
That's interesting.
I think we're gonna be rich from this.
Oh, now it's we.
Now it's we.
All these months has been my business endeavor,
my financial burden, my mistake for quitting my job.
Suddenly it's we, suddenly it's we.
Well, surely you should be grateful
that I'm bringing you in now
when we're actually making money, honey.
This has been my idea from the start.
Well, maybe. It's always been our idea.
I just don't like that now that it's working,
it's our idea.
It should have been our idea whether it's working or not.
Should I keep making the bracelets?
Keep making them, Terry.
We need a 70-mol MILF bracelets.
I need 170 more.
Okay, dad, okay, mom.
I don't appreciate you raising this in front of Terry.
You're the one who brought it up.
I wanted us to celebrate today, okay?
These MILF bracelets are a great idea.
Yeah.
I just need you to admit your wrongdo-
All you need to do is say,
I'm sorry, I didn't support you.
That's all that needs to happen right now.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't support you.
Not you, Terry, you've been my rock.
That's it, that's all you need?
That's all I need. That's it, just that?
You know what? Nothing else?
That's not all I need, that's all we need.
Are we gonna kiss?
Yes.
I'm the only MILF in your life.
Yeah, you are.
Please, please no.
Terry, take a hike.
Terry, get out of here.
Can I take five?
I can stop making the bracelets?
You need more than five.
Just leave.
I need something for my son.
He loves MILFs.
I love MILFs.
I'm sorry, son.
We're all out of MILF bracelets today.
No! Everyone's taking them.
My son needs a MILF bracelet.
He needs to prove his love.
We're all, it's Christmas Eve, sir.
Everyone wants a MILF bracelet, okay?
I'll do anything.
We want MILF bracelets!
Holy shit, there's gonna be a riot.
You don't understand.
This is the first Christmas I've had my child.
If I get him out, I will beat his own.
Look, deadbeat dads.
You should have got a MILF bracelet weeks ago.
I didn't care weeks ago.
I cared tonight.
This is the second Christmas I've had my kid
and the first one went terrible.
So I need this one to work.
I wanna go stay with mom.
No you don't.
You wanna stay with dad.
He's good and proud and boy is he trying.
Give me that MILF bracelet.
Please, we need you all to move back.
There's gonna be a frosh.
MILF bracelet, MILF bracelet, MILF bracelet,
MILF bracelet, MILF bracelet,
You can't breathe.
Michael, Michael.
You're doing a bit late shopping, are you?
No, been planned for weeks.
Oh, come off it.
I'm just laughing,
cause all these deadbeat dads.
So is Tim gonna stay with you in boxing now?
Oh yeah.
Please.
And you know what?
I got a great bargain on this big box of MILF bracelets.
207 for the price of four.
What are you gonna do with them?
Oh, I'll probably give them out to the girls.
What's that over there?
That's our son.
Hi mom.
Fuck, fuck that was my opening.
Ah shit.
Mom, can I have a MILF bracelet?
Don't listen to the boy.
Yeah, here's four.
Thank you.
Happy Christmas.
We did it.
We did it together as a family.
We're all together and someone's gonna take someone back.
It's a Christmas.
Miracle, miracle, miracle.
Dad, do you wanna take one of the MILF bracelets
to give me on Christmas?
No, no.
I don't mind.
I haven't earned it.
I'm gonna find you a MILF bracelet
if I have to beat every deadbeat dad in here.
Okay, if you're just giving those away,
I really need one.
Okay.
North Pole customer services.
How can I help?
Hello, so last year I came into possession
of a Ford Fiesta 2009 model, a hot magenta.
And it has a flat tire.
So context, I got it from Santa
whenever he was in the Dominican shopping center.
So I just wanted to see if that's something
that you guys can cover.
Like if that's still like still covered
because it's like just on the right side of the warranty.
Yeah, yeah, whenever I got it.
But just like, I just need a new tire
and like that, you know, like the metal bit,
like the alloy, like I don't know if it is an alloy,
but I just wanted to match the tires
that are currently on the car.
Yeah, what can you do for me?
Yeah, we can make that happen.
Great.
That's absolutely no problem.
Yeah, did Santa give you a receipt?
So I was dealing with a man called Rudy.
We're all called Rudy up here.
Rudy's used car a lot.
It's local to us.
Oh.
I don't know if he.
Oh, I wonder if, oh, we had a Rudy leave the team.
Oh, maybe it's him.
No, I think they use car a lot.
I mean, it's currently in liquidation.
So I definitely have the paperwork somewhere.
Give me a sec.
Okay.
I should be able to locate that.
Or are you obtaining like photos or scans
or like, will you just take my word for it?
Yeah, some scans would be good.
I'll just be on hold.
Here comes Santa Claus.
Sweet.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Give us the fucking bracelets you can't.
Oh.
Give us the fucking bracelets.
Oh, so hasty, so quick.
I will kick you in your shins.
Why don't you sit on my lap and tell Santa.
You know what, Santa doesn't have any fat in his shins.
I can fuck up your shins.
Young man, this is-
I need these bracelets.
I need my son to be proud of me.
Look, I have a couple-
His mother has 200 of them.
I just need one.
He already has four.
Look, I will get you the fucking bracelet.
You just need to sit on my lap.
It's part of the rigmarole.
There's people watching, just sit on my lap.
We'll have the polite conversation.
I'll give you a bracelet and then you can fuck off, right?
I can't do that.
But my ass gets warm.
Well, how did you, you got in the line.
How did you expect this to work?
I was going to kick you in the shins and get the bracelets.
I have a knife.
This guy's taking too long.
Hey, little orphan.
Fuck.
Say it to my face.
Back the fuck off, you parentless fuck.
You know what, I don't have a parent
so I can fucking kick you in the dick.
Oh, frantic orphans, I see.
He's an orphan by choice.
He's not meant for-
Let me get him, dad.
Let me at him.
Oh my God.
Oh, that was so painful.
And I'll be an orphan again, you motherfucker.
Elves, attack this man.
Oh, attack the child.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, daddy.
Little orphan, what would you like for Christmas
instead of this horrible man?
Um, well, peace and goodwill and your last milk bracelet.
Oh, here you go, little boy.
Uh-oh.
I'm going to put this down the toilet, you wanker.
Oh.
Hey, you know, now that this case wrapped up,
can I just say, it's been fun talking to you.
Do you want to hang out sometime?
Like, Christmas-related or just-
I don't know, we can talk about anything.
Oh, huh.
Just, uh, yes.
Okay, uh, and I-
You know, I don't know how you got my number,
but I think we get along, right?
Yeah.
It's been, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Where do you want to go?
Do you want to get a pint?
We can go pint.
In mini-golfing, how does that sound?
Pints?
Mini-golf.
Mini-golf, please.
I know a guy that let us have pints.
Oh my-
You're such a cool lawyer.
Oh, thanks.
It's really nothing, you're the cool guy.
Can I-
Your jumper lights up, dude.
Right?
Can I borrow your phone?
Yeah.
Can I borrow-
I just need to ring someone real quick.
You know the password, it's your birthday.
No ways.
North Pole customer services, how can I help?
This isn't Christmas-related, but Rudy, thank you so much.
Eric, you're not going to believe this.
That lawyer also needed a friend.
Rudy!
It's a Christmas miracle.
Rudy, you're so good!
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced, and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, we had Laura Conlon, Cairn Sands, Amelia Price, Eddie
Goodwin, Gerd Donnelly, Declan King, Kate Reese, and Conor Rettig.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his
entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening, we look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.