It's kind of crazy isn't it that in the office they've already got the mayor celebration
printed on the mugs.
Why do you think that's weird?
It's quite fresh I think in the town's mind.
I just didn't think-
Why is it weird?
You know, I kind of go to work to kind of forget about the things-
The mayor?
You try and forget about the mayor?
No, I'm not trying to forget- don't say things like that.
I'm not trying to forget about the mayor.
Look, I just- I like my job, I want to do my job.
But to go and drink my tea every morning and see his face on the mug-
Well he is like the best mayor that we've ever had.
You talking about the mayor over here?
Yeah, we are!
Yeah, I'm so glad it's his birthday, it doesn't come around often enough.
I know.
It's once a year, it's a normal birthday.
Once a year.
It's not a normal birthday.
It's the mayor's birthday.
No, I'm not disputing the mayor's birthday, I'm disputing that birthdays are normal and
happen once a year.
That's normal.
Yeah, but like, not the mayor's birthday.
It's a special birthday.
Special birthday.
Hey, uh, has- has the tea got nicer?
Oh, you tell me!
I don't know, it's like, I swear to god, I've been drinking it out of the mayor's cup and
it just tastes better!
No, it's the same tea bags, it's the ones we've been getting from the supplier every
week, it's the same.
The water's the same, the tea's the same, the milk's the same.
So the cup's the only different thing!
No, that's not correct.
I hear once it's the mayor's birthday.
They put a little bit of cinnamon in the water supply.
They put a bit of cinnamon in the- the poison in the town.
It's not poison in the town.
It's piston.
Don't be silly!
What about people that are allergic to cinnamon?
I'm not.
Exactly.
What is it with you and your hypotheticals?
Every time we look for a restaurant, what if someone was allergic to fish?
No one's allergic to fish, you don't need to worry about it.
Let me give you a hypothetical.
How about hypothetically, you lived in a town with the best mayor ever.
Oh wait, it's not a hypothetical, we live here!
Exactly.
That was kind of a cringe way to say that, I think.
Don't be rude to Darren, he's made a really good point.
We do live in the best town with the best mayor ever.
And it's not cringe if it's true.
Thank you Lily, I thought it was a good point.
Not disputing the fact that the town's great and it's nice and all, but I just- I kind
of feel like it's just being literally shoved down our throats because it's just- it's just-
it's just a bit too much for me, you know?
I was in the store the other day.
And you know the local bread brand, Dun Bread?
It's got the mayor's face on it.
Lucky.
It's not even just on the packet, it's on the slices.
Yes?
I bought 47 loaves and I live by myself.
Why did you buy 47 loaves?
Because I don't want to talk about my personal life.
Well are you just gonna not eat 47- are you gonna have-
I never said I was eating it.
You're being very rude right now, you're being intrusive and rude.
Thank you.
I just need to know-
Is this a HR issue now?
I actually think it might be becoming a HR issue, yeah.
I just don't understand.
47 loaves?
Yes, 47 loaves.
Are you gonna give the rest to the pigeons?
No.
I don't want the pigeons to eat on my lovely mayor's face.
There won't be any pigeons in town for the mayor's birthday.
We're gonna get rid of them all.
They're gonna get rid of all the pigeons on the mayor's birthday?
Yes, and the rats, all the pests.
Yeah, didn't you get the memo?
You're about to put some arsenic into the bird feed to get rid of the birds for the
mayor's party.
The fuck?
Don't swear in the office.
Yeah, really fucking rude.
Right, okay.
Thank you.
I just, I feel like you guys have changed a lot since all this has started happening
and I don't really understand it and I feel very isolated in work at the moment and-
Drink the tea.
Yeah, it's delicious.
Drink the tea.
No, I don't want to drink the tea.
It'll make you feel better.
I think I'm gonna stop drinking the tea.
I think drink more tea.
No, I think, no, I'm gonna go back to work now.
Right.
If you don't want to be festive, at least you can be productive.
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
Hello everyone.
Welcome to the Festival of Mayor Unders.
That's right, it's Mayor Unders' birthday today and not only that, it's also the anniversary
of his first year in charge.
What a great day we have in store for you.
You're so lucky to be a part of it everybody.
The mayor, of course, will be speaking later on.
This is truly exciting.
I know a lot of you are hoping to finally catch a glimpse of him as most have not been
allowed to attend many public forums as a decree by the mayor.
There will of course be music and amusements all day long down in the playing fields for
many local bands including Fiddles McGee and the McGee Men as well as the mayor's personal
favourite band, Freaky Nipples.
There is face painting available and if you happen to spot any of the volunteers walking
around with cardboard cutouts of the mayor, feel free to give your open and honest opinion
about the mayor's first year in charge.
You can be entirely honest.
It's not recording.
Hey, are you still doing the special for the mayor's birthday?
Your special like cake drink, I guess?
Yeah, 500 millilitres of batter.
Yeah.
You want it?
Yeah, sure.
I was worried that I missed it before you guys were here.
Oh no, no, we're making it on demand.
It's fresh.
Oh cool.
Yeah, you still see a bit of egg float in there.
It's just mixed it up.
Do you think you're going to be keeping it going?
Like is it going to be a regular menu item going forward or is it just going to be like
in the season of his birthday?
It's a good question.
The thing is on his birthday, health codes are relaxed so it's easier to make.
Oh.
But we have been looking at waivers.
Yeah, but I know the mayor being the mayor has a bit of an ego so like he would want
that.
I have tried naming it after him.
Here's the problem with that though.
Okay.
I don't know his name.
Do you know his name?
I know his surname but I don't know if I know his first name.
What's his surname?
Thunders.
Thunders?
Yeah.
Doesn't sound real though.
No, definitely an alias.
Yeah, right?
It sounds like the start of a headline.
Mayor, Thunders, public expectation, you know?
Interesting.
I hadn't considered that before.
No, syntactically that doesn't make sense.
No, but I mean our newspaper is riddled with spelling and ground on mistakes.
Yeah.
I'm just waiting for a batter and you go and be real mean about my work.
Well, you know.
I'm trying my best at the bracket.
If you try it word, it's got like spelling.
That's squiggly line.
I am a classist.
I use a keyboard.
Classist?
Wait, no, the clacky clack ones.
I don't use a keyboard.
I use a typewriter.
This is the other thing I wanted to mention.
You can use the backspace on a keyboard.
There's a lot of line of train of thought type thing.
You can use a clacky clack keyboard as well.
You can get one that sounds like a typewriter.
Really?
Yeah.
You've tried the batter before.
What do you think?
It is delightful.
Yeah.
I got it this morning and I haven't had to eat since.
Here's the review.
We've been berating the man while he's in line and he's still waiting for the batter.
I give it five straws.
Oh.
Yeah.
Look, I draw on the window.
Five straws.
Wait, that's only four.
Oh, I probably should have caught that mistake.
It's quite all right.
You buy so much batter, I don't mind.
Can I get mine to take away, please?
I'd rather you didn't drink it in premise to be quite honest.
So please.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
You like just a lick to spoon?
No, it's OK.
All right.
Well, how about you, James?
Silly straw.
I remember when the mayor was standing for election and it just brightened my day because
I would only leave the house to go to the shop for a couple of wee messages.
And when I walked out the door, you'd look up and you'd see his lovely face on all the
lampposts.
I mean, I'd walk through the front door and then I'd walk down the street and look up
to the heavens and see his face on that lamppost.
And it would just make my day.
And then you'd walk further down the street and you'd look up and you'd see him on another
lamppost.
And, you know, for a woman of my age, it really brightened my day to look.
He's a good looking man, is the mayor.
And then whenever we went to vote, I went into the polling booth and I got the wee card
and I couldn't, there was no pictures on it.
So I just wrote on the card, lovely man, and I'm glad he got elected.
Whoever he is, I don't know his name, but he's lovely.
Oh, he's a lovely looking man.
So he is.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, make sure that you keep your vote.
Keep your hands and toes in the vehicle as we're moving across.
Any questions at all about the ride?
When was the last time the ride was serviced?
It was serviced last week, sir.
Is there any extended roof space for me?
My giant hat, there's no space.
Yes, we do have some for giant hats.
We do respect the giant hat community in this park, yes.
I want a dolphin.
I want to pay extra so he has his own seat.
You want to bring the dolphin on the ride?
I want to bring my fluffy dolphin on the ride.
Fluffy dolphin?
Yeah, my big, squidgy dolphin that I wanted, the duck toss.
The duck toss?
Yeah, I had to throw a duck at a dog.
Could this dolphin fit on your lap, sir?
No, I wanted to see the views on its own.
I don't want it obscure.
I want to pay extra so that it can have a seat.
You want it to have a seat?
Yeah.
How's that going to work?
How's it going to sit up because it's a dolphin?
I can pile it its head, but I want it to have its own space.
But dolphins don't have pelvises.
I don't think he can sit down.
I don't want to sit next to any animal,
so he may not be at the tall hat section.
That's fine.
He doesn't have a tall hat.
Yeah, dolphins don't wear hats, nor have pelvises.
They should.
No, I don't.
I'm not sure.
There was one plush dolphin that did have a hat,
but I didn't win it.
What stall?
They threw a dog at a dog stall.
Not threw a duck at a dog stall.
I don't know what I'm doing after.
Would it be OK if this giant cardboard cut out of the mare
was to go onto the ride?
Could it keep its hands and toes in the ride?
Of course.
Then I think we may be able to come to some arrangement, yes.
Very good.
Thank you.
Would I get a copy of the report from when
it was serviced last week?
What do you need to know?
I just want to read it.
I just want to see.
I want to check.
What are you checking for, sir?
I'm getting a bit worried.
What do you know that we don't?
What do I know that you don't?
I just wanted to see.
I wanted to make sure that-
Nothing's falling off.
Is that enough?
Is that little child a policeman?
I'm sorry.
What was that?
Are you a policeman?
I don't legally have to tell you that.
He might be a police officer.
You're jumping star streets.
I'm not.
I'm just nervous.
You Johnny Depp-ing us.
Legally on this ride, little boy,
you do have to ask if you're a police officer.
What if I'm an informant?
Informant's the same sort of procedure, yes?
Yes, I'm an informant.
My dolphin is also an informant.
Nice to know you.
Do you know the dolphin?
I'm not at liberty to discuss my relationship
with the dolphin.
Oh.
What happened with the dolphin, then?
I'm not at liberty to discuss my relationship
with the dolphin.
I definitely have between you and that dolphin.
Uh-oh.
This is a HR dispute.
I don't have to talk about this.
Give me the forms.
I need to read the forms.
He's going to tell the police the forms.
Don't give him them.
If the forms were filled out correctly.
Are you trying to shut down this amulet ride?
Not if the forms were filled out correctly.
Do you know what?
I am going to let your dolphin on the ride.
Thank you.
Because I like nice informers.
Informers that say, what a great ride this is.
Not worried informers.
That dolphin didn't speak.
He's speaking for it.
That's the whole problem.
I said I pivoted here.
The dolphin never speaks.
I'm going to show you that the cardboard cut out
of the mayor will have nothing but pleasant things to say
about this ride on its completion.
Well, if we're being upfront and honest,
this is being recorded.
The cardboard cut out is not coming anywhere
near the tall hat section.
But the cardboard cut out has such a tall hat.
But the cardboard's all hat doesn't even
have a hollow part for your head.
It is taller than your hat, sir.
Damn, a poor imitation of a tall hat, not
nearly like the real thing.
I would like you to know, Mr. Informant,
that this man has just been negatory towards the mayor.
And whatever you choose to do with that, so be it.
OK, I just need the safety.
I just need the safety note.
My dolphin is jotting everything down.
OK, I'm going to just make a new rule
that no one who's going to tell the police anything
is allowed on our ride.
And that's including, if it records, evidence.
So who's off the ride?
Because I need honesty.
Oh, go.
But that needs to be in the checklist that
would have had to have been checked last week.
That hasn't been approved.
You can't just add a new rule.
Excuse me.
Watch me.
It's happening.
This is unheard of.
Well, you're about to hear from it now,
because are you going to inform?
Are you an informer?
I'm going to inform the head of the police this very moment.
Perfect.
Let me out of this thing.
Perfect.
Let me out.
Anyone else coming out?
I'm going to go.
OK.
The cardboard put out by the mayor
will be only reporting to the mayor and city council
and nothing to do with the police.
This has nothing to do with the police whatsoever.
Still counts.
Get it out.
I don't like its beady eyes.
It's the cardboard cut out toes sticking out.
Oh, this is the final straw.
You, get your stupid cardboard cut out and get out.
You want me to leave the amusement park completely?
Yes.
And you're barred.
The mayor will be hearing about this.
And you know what?
While you're at it, you're barred from the petting zoo
as well.
Don't kidding me.
Little boy, it looks like it's just me and you.
I'm going to the police.
I'm not staying here with you.
The ride.
Off the ride.
No telling the police anything.
I wasn't going to tell the police.
I'm joyfully enjoying my time in the tall hats
action on this ride.
May I proceed?
Well, in the interest of thoroughness,
I'm going to need to see what's under your hat.
I shall leave the ride.
The mayor?
That mayor of yours?
That mayor of ours?
Yes.
Yes, I know him well.
He used to work at the local subway.
And I used to go in and I'd say, I'm sorry.
I know this order is embarrassing,
but I've got to do it.
And I'd order the tuna.
And he would scoop the tuna.
And he would say to me, this is a perfect sphere of fish.
And I'd say, yeah, that's what I want on my subway.
Yeah, I like it.
And then he left subway.
And now he's the mayor?
Well, I'm saying this now.
If you can work at subway and be the mayor,
then why can't I paint the roads black?
We paint the roads black like the tarmac.
And we put the white lines on them like a zebra.
If I'm painting the roads like a zebra,
then I should have a say in politics.
Or I think that's politics.
Is that politics?
Well, anyway, your mayor, yeah.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, he's all right.
I prefer him when he works at subway.
I have not sold anything today.
But it's only half of the day.
So I'm optimistic.
I think that I could sell something
by the end of the day.
Yeah, people come for their t-shirts on the way out
after the gig.
Yeah, you know, they don't want to buy a t-shirt.
Until they've seen the band.
And I've got all the bands playing.
So they've got to know what they like.
Hi, I'm here to buy a t-shirt.
I don't think you want it yet.
Really?
Do you not want it after the end of the gig?
You don't want to be lugging this around.
Well, I was going to put it on and then have some photos
with the band.
What are you going to do with the shirt you're wearing?
Just put it over the shirt.
Very warm.
It would be very warm.
Would you be hiding the shirt that you bought from me then?
No, I put the shirt I brought from you over the shirt.
Because I want to take some pictures.
And then I can buy a shirt.
Look, I don't want to deny a seal from happening.
Oh, no, no.
I want to sell to you.
Yeah.
What if they're a bad vocalist like?
Yeah, wouldn't you want to know that this was really good?
And then come get the shirt at the end?
I just don't want to put you out of money.
And then you feeling like you've got a shirt forever
from a band you didn't like lying.
It would be embarrassing.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I don't want to be embarrassed.
That's kind of a good point.
Because I could live on your story for like 24 hours.
All your friends are going to see that.
Yeah, that would be in your wardrobe.
And then you're embarrassed to put it in the charity shop
in case people can't identify your household based
on what has gone in in the rest of that donation bag.
But then you don't want to put it on vintage
because then people can check it from your username.
Maybe your friends might not know that they were bad life,
but you would know.
And that's almost worse.
You're lying to your friends then.
Oh my god, yeah.
I cannot get a seal.
I just can't get a seal.
What's my favorite thing about him?
I mean, will he hear this?
He will, won't he?
OK.
Well, you know, the man, he's a great man.
He's got lovely skin.
You know, he wears his age well.
He wears it like a fine wine.
I guess you don't wear wine, but you know, yeah.
I don't know if I look good enough to go out like this.
Don't say that, God.
I think I think you look very respectable.
That shirt almost fits you.
It's almost good enough.
I think so.
The shirt's OK.
It's fine.
It suits you.
You look smart.
It's good to see you trying something clean.
Oh, oh, just being clean.
Well, I thought this was the day where, you know,
you're going to see everyone.
Everyone can see how you've recovered.
Going to be out.
We're going to be.
Yeah.
First time in a while being seeing everyone in town,
saying hello.
Everyone's going to be like, what are you up to?
And I'll be like, well, I'm not going
to go into that right now.
Just like we practice.
No talk about the coma.
No talk.
There's not much to say about it.
All the kids in my school think it's so cool
that you were in a coma.
Right?
They think it's amazing.
I chose that.
I chose the coma.
I didn't tell them that.
I had a bet with your uncle who was like,
you can't just be in a coma.
And I was like, I can't be in a coma.
Two days later, hit by a bus.
Oh my god, Liz.
How are you?
I haven't seen you since the coma.
How was it?
It was pretty good, girl.
It was pretty good.
Yeah.
Tell me all about it.
I just lay there for four months and three days.
All right, what else?
How'd you eat?
Through a tube that went into my wrist.
What did it taste like?
I don't know.
I imagine like the orange starburst.
Oh.
What about like fluids and stuff?
You get any drinks when you're in there, pal?
No, everything just went through my wrist.
And then all my fluids went out the other wrist.
It was very confusing for the doctors.
I thought they would have went through my bladder
or something, but no.
Yeah, that was going to be my next question, man.
Nope, I heard the doctor's nurse talking about it.
The doctor kept saying, wrist to wrist.
You could hear things?
Yeah, I heard everything.
Did you hear any like gossip?
Yeah.
Like hospital gossip?
Yeah, the doctor who wanted to be the first wrist
to wrist technology, he got fired three months
into my coma.
Shit, man.
Yeah.
I also heard my wife's having an affair.
That's cool.
Yeah.
I heard that.
I was going to ask about that.
Did you hear people talking about yourself
while you were in there?
Yeah, I did.
Well, I guess not.
She was talking about somebody else.
Mr. Mr. over there.
Huh?
I also heard you coming in, poking me, punching me, saying,
hey, you're not really in a coma, are you?
You're just doing a bit.
I thought you were doing a bit, man.
And I would have been a bit, except the boss.
I would have to say my favorite thing about Mayor
Anders was his mental health initiative that he initiated
within the town.
It was whenever he decided to make a capybara the town
mascot with the slogan, don't worry, be capy.
I think everyone in the town generally
felt a bit better that week.
It was very well done.
Yeah, I don't think he was in a coma.
He's so nondescript about it, he doesn't.
I think you're right to punch him.
OK, good.
I'm glad that you backed me up in this, Officer.
Yeah.
You're quite right.
He's wasting my time.
He says you can hear things in there.
There's no risk to risk technology.
You can't hear things while you're in a coma.
Yeah.
Classic.
Little does he know I've been in a coma.
You have.
Yeah.
Really?
I was like six.
Really?
Until when?
Six and a bit, like three weeks.
Three weeks?
Yeah.
So you would know if they come on when you see it?
I know if they're in a coma.
And I suspected it, and I also suspected the affair.
We all know about the affair.
I think he was trying to flirt with him to make it look like.
He was wrong.
He was in a coma.
Yeah, but.
He didn't know.
Never seen a bigger cuck in my life.
Hi, good day, mate.
How you doing?
You want me to talk to that what?
Mayor under?
No, I don't know him.
Sorry, mate.
I'm on here on holiday.
Just doing a little tour around Ireland, staying a couple days
here in Dunbracken.
He's what?
So he's a mayor?
I don't know.
Don't know anything about him, mate.
Sorry.
But what, you got a picture of him or something?
Oh, yeah.
He's a strapping looking man.
Yeah.
Oh, what a right humdinger.
Oh, he looks like a Hugh Jackman.
Yeah.
That's what he does.
He looks a bit like Hugh Jackman.
Oh, that is Hugh Jackman.
Sorry.
He's the one beside Hugh Jackman.
Sorry.
My mistake.
Sorry.
I thought Hugh Jackman.
Hugh Jackman's a bit of a.
He's a bit of a renaissance man in Australia.
He's a song and dance man.
Wolverine.
He can turn his hand in.
You're mayor, I thought.
If you've nominated Hugh Jackman to be your mayor,
I thought that would be amazing.
Ah.
But no, no, no.
Yeah, he's not as good looking as Hugh Jackman.
Yeah, he looks sort of like him.
Yeah.
Officer, you do so much cocaine.
I know you do cocaine.
You kept doing cocaine.
Whilst you were watching me trying to prove I wasn't in a coma.
It's a well-known fact that I do that.
You could have known that pre-coma.
All right?
You need to say something that only someone in a coma would know.
What could be something that only someone in a coma would know?
What happens when you die?
Everyone knows when you're in a coma,
you're going to be dead for just a little bit.
You're going to sneak preview.
Maybe if you get hit by a supercar, but I got flattened by a bus.
That seems deadlier.
Just tell me what's in the afterlife, and I'll let you go.
No.
So when I was six, I was hit by a Ferrari.
Nice.
Yeah, so that's how I got up close as to what happened.
Yeah, yeah.
Both what happened, but what happened in the coma, and death.
What was that like?
Quite blue.
Really?
Yeah.
People expect to be black or white.
Yeah.
It's just blue.
See, that's how I know you really were in a coma.
It was a blue Ferrari.
That might be connected.
That's unusual.
That might be connected.
Yeah, yeah.
That's how I remember.
Was it a blue Ferrari?
If it was a red Ferrari, I probably
wouldn't remember being hit by it.
I wish you would have told me we just assumed it was a red Ferrari.
We never even looked for a blue Ferrari.
I'm so sorry.
That's why we never caught the guy.
Because a Ferrari is a distinct car.
Yeah.
We just assumed red.
Like a Schumacher current, yeah.
Totally.
Well, this is embarrassing.
Fine.
OK, it's red.
The afterlife is red.
Much like, no.
All right, sure, sure, pal.
Sure, pal.
We know it's blue.
No, it's red like a bus would be red.
Like a bus that hits you would be red.
Buses are yellow.
We all know they're yellow.
Not my bus.
Did you ever catch my bus?
No, we looked for all the yellow buses,
and we couldn't.
It was a red bus.
It couldn't have been.
It was a double digger red bus.
And I'm back in.
Yeah.
Please, just let me celebrate the celebrations.
My son's nearby.
Nearby?
Yeah.
Well, I don't know where he is right now,
because you've detained me.
Well, how do you keep an eye on him when you're in a coma?
Just do that.
Mayor, underage.
You mean that creepy guy with the toupee
and the weird glasses with no lenses in them?
He's the mayor?
I never voted for him.
Who voted for him?
No.
Is that why my bins haven't been lifted in about six months?
Because that gob shake's actually in charge?
OK.
Right, that makes sense.
No, mayor, underage.
No, don't like him.
Don't like him.
I need my bins collected.
Starting to attract rats.
Lewis, tell me.
Yeah, Carl?
Which affairs do you know about?
Affairs?
Yeah, Sheryl's.
Sheryl never used names.
So I assumed it was the same person.
No, no, there's a few, I think.
Oh my god.
After we finished up all these celebrations,
I was going to hire a PI.
Oh, you'd need to get a few, I'd say.
No, that's why I was checking in,
because I didn't know how much you knew about us.
I mean, people, stuff.
Well, I know that it's not with a cop who kept doing cocaine.
He'd offer a like a try on his part.
Real Randy when he got a cocaine.
Thankfully, she never brought anyone into the room.
I think a lot of it was a lot of facetimes, though.
Oh, OK.
No, I was going to say, I think kind of like on the way in,
on the way out, you know, she'd pass the people.
She what?
Yeah, she like, she passed the doctor in the corridor.
She would pass him, yeah.
Yeah, and then they just have, you know, a few minutes.
Before the arrest.
Could wrist to wrist be a sexual move?
I mean, she didn't try with me.
Oh, OK.
Maybe that's why he got fired for sexual misconduct.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, I can find as many people as you need to.
But can I just say, why do you need
to identify every single person your wife cheated on?
I would like to know.
It just feels like once you know it's happened,
that's all you need to know.
No, I need to because what if what is their ex-husbands
or current husbands know or don't know?
People need to know.
I need to know.
My son needs to know.
Your son needs to know.
Yeah.
Sure.
Once I know how many and who many, then maybe I'll tell him.
But I don't have to tell him.
That's my decision.
You don't tell my son.
You just find the people for me, please.
I'll pay you for each individual one.
You pay me per day.
It doesn't matter how many.
Oh, OK.
Well, since everyone's gathered here in the town square,
you could start today.
But you don't have to.
I charge double on holidays.
I was going to buy my son a balloon.
I'm not a fan.
I've never done so, I have to tell you that.
He didn't appreciate it when he brought in free school
meals for all.
I think it makes a mockery of my childhood.
And I think those children have to do what I did
and just scrounge around the bins looking for a donut
behind the bakery or looking for a taco outside the diner.
I did love when he brought in tacos to the diner.
But I think it builds character.
I think it builds responsibility.
I think it builds independence.
And Mayor Under is coddling the children of Dunbracken.
My son, do you know what he said to my son?
Well, first he kissed him when he was a baby.
No, I don't appreciate that.
That's a little bit of homosexual.
He can keep that behind his house door.
And then what he did to my son is
he won the fishing competition.
Right.
And he patted him on the back and told him he's a good boy.
That's my job.
I tell my son he's a good boy.
The mayor doesn't know he's a good boy.
I know he's a good boy.
OK?
And Mayor Under's everything's about him and my son.
You know, he took my son to live in his house for five days
while he was dating my wife.
Yeah.
I don't appreciate it.
You know?
And that was Christmas.
We could have had so many presents ready for him.
We didn't, but we could have.
OK?
I could have gone out to the bins,
brought him back a donut and a taco.
But no.
Mayor Under's had to buy him that train set and that RC car.
Yeah.
No.
RC is in remote control, even though I do
think it's a very RC car.
And you know what?
He took my wife.
And I'll never get her back.
And he took my son.
So no.
I'm not happy with celebrating.
Getting ready for the big celebrations, are you?
This is just for me.
Oh.
It's normal Tuesday night.
Oh.
I didn't mean to intrude.
It's quite all right.
Welcome to intrusion.
Six bottles of champagne.
Free 12 packs of oysters.
You're out of oysters, by the way.
Thank you.
Thank you for letting us know.
Thank you.
What?
I appreciate the nod.
Ultimately, I'm just a cashier.
The stock take isn't really my thing.
I'll probably pass it on to someone.
Come on.
Just a little cog in the corporate machine.
Aren't we all?
Tell me about it.
Tuesday, am I right?
Tuesday.
Oh, man.
So you're not celebrating for the mayor?
Not a bad day, actually.
Oh.
That's what the champagne's for.
Cheer me up.
If you don't mind me asking, what happened?
Lost another client.
Jeez, you're kidding.
I know.
It's rough.
I mean, I want to say just another cog in the machine,
but I feel like with clients, it's a different kind of.
The client was my son.
It was my son.
Oh.
He went with a different agent.
Oh, god.
That's rough.
That explains the four chocolate bars and 12 pack of condoms
as well.
Sorry.
Those are mine.
You don't have a partition.
Sorry.
Six of them are mine.
Six of them are his.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, guys.
No, it's fine.
It just wasn't a little partitiony thing.
Yeah.
I actually, oh, I've got one under the till here.
Thank you.
I'm sorry for bumping in.
That's quite all right.
You want to know how my day's going?
Not really.
Rude.
I'm still happy.
Listen, we're not in a rush or anything.
Oh, no.
That's client's got more time.
Oh, damn.
But I do want to see if you're doing anything
for the big celebrations.
Yep.
You are?
Yep.
Celebrating the mayor.
Wow, yeah.
Getting a lot of condoms.
Interesting.
Well, I think I invited that upon myself, didn't I?
I mean, it's all he has.
Yeah.
I could see.
I could see on the belt he's only bought condoms.
He's only bought condoms.
I knew that.
And I did ask.
Yeah.
You think someone who only bought condoms is having a bad day?
You need more than that to make up for a bad day.
Yeah, you need four bottles of champagne.
I ran here.
Six bottles of champagne.
But if you charge me for four, I mean, I'm not going to say no.
Sir, I wish I could.
Sir, I know it.
Cogging the machine.
You know.
I lost a significant amount of income today.
Hey, is this line going?
Because I've got all my groceries,
and I've got some ice cream.
But you know.
Oh, well, we're just going to.
Sorry, do you mind holding up?
I forgot the ice cream.
Yeah, no, of course.
Go on ahead.
Yeah, we were just we were getting to it.
I was kind of finding that he's been having a hard day.
Right.
Hey.
I didn't really want to rush him.
OK.
I don't feel rushed.
I'll get the ice cream in a moment.
I feel like we're still chatting.
Well, you can go now if you want.
Like, I'm chatting to this customer now.
If you want to grab the ice cream.
I have places to be.
Yeah, I have many places to be.
You've got a lot of shopping.
I can't really skip your stuff over his stuff.
But I can quickly scan the condoms if you really.
My name's George.
George, thank you, George.
Do you want a card?
I'm live.
Yeah, I'll take a card.
Are you are you hiring?
I need more clients telling you.
You can't just tell people that I have a bunch of condoms.
It's the only thing you've got on the belt.
I know, but you can't just say that out loud.
I mean, it's public knowledge, really.
Not if they don't look down.
Sorry, ma'am, did you see the condoms on the belt?
No, she didn't.
You told her about it.
In all fairness, I had not looked at the belt
until you said that.
Well, yeah, the cashier is cursed.
Oh, she probably thinks I'm a freak.
Oh, OK.
Well done.
Thank you.
I'm impressed.
I have places to be.
I ran here.
Look, Joe, may I call you Joe?
Sure.
Why not?
Can I?
I'll speed you up.
Come on.
I'll get you out of here.
Thank you.
All right, I'm back.
Oh, come on.
I just I've been having a rough day,
so I just ate ice cream down there,
but you can charge me for it.
You've already eaten ice cream.
I've eaten ice cream.
Have you still got the empty tub?
Because that's fine by me.
I just left it on the floor.
Do you want to go get it?
I need to scan it.
Come on, man.
I was so close.
I understand the concept, but I don't
the tail doesn't work like that.
I can't really input items.
It needs to be the code or the number.
I have places to be.
I've got six tubs of Ben and Jerry's in my basket.
And you've scanned one of them.
No, because I don't want you touching it.
I don't want you touching it.
Can we just?
I would just be the one touching it.
What flavors?
What flavor did you have?
Super strawberry, a banana one.
Those are the condom flavors.
Stop.
What?
You're looking at me.
I wasn't asking about the condom flavors.
I'm sorry.
Why are condoms flavored?
I don't know.
You're selling them.
But it did excite me.
Just another cog in the machine.
I didn't mean to say that about you.
I'm sorry.
You seem like a creative man.
I think so.
He wants to break into film.
Yeah, I suppose.
I'm feeling kind of stuck in this job.
I'm not happy.
I'm not fulfilled in my life.
I want to be something more.
But you know, it pays the bills.
I'll tell you what.
We'll go back to mine, crack open the champagne,
crack open the oysters, crack open the condoms,
and we'll see where the night takes us.
I honestly would love nothing more than that.
OK, boss, I'm leaving.
See you later.
Still need to ring me up.
Oh, yes.
Well, I suppose if I'm quitting cog in the machine and all,
hey, everyone, this one's on me.
He just walked away.
He didn't pay.
So we're just going to get tagged by security.
Are you serious?
I've got things with security tags on.
That's why I didn't bring the ice cream.
It has security tags on it.
I'll see you at your house, George.
I'll be there.
I'll see you at your house.
All right, see you there.
I've got several razors in here that
need to be demagnetized.
These condoms are all in security boxes.
I can't get to them.
Also, why is your lube under lock and key?
He doesn't know where I live.
Oh, you caught me at about time.
I'm on the train.
But my favorite memory of the maze,
whenever it came around to my house,
and she opened the door, the other door,
that I hadn't been able to open in about 20 years.
And I tell you what, we shared the first spoonful together.
And I was voluntarily in for about two weeks.
And I'll never forget that.
Freak Nipples, you look so good to me.
Freak, freak, freak.
Thank you, that's our new single, Freak Nipples.
Oh my god, thank you so much.
I need to get a shirt of his.
I need a Freak Nipples shirt.
That was incredible.
That changed my life.
Never seen a man play with his nipples
and make his pitch change as he played it.
Can someone please just tattoo a nipple on my forehead?
Please tattoo a nipple on my forehead.
Somebody get my friend a forehead tattoo.
Wait, no.
Anyone who's god forsaken, please tattoo a nipple.
We have to do it.
He said so.
Are any of you tattoo artists?
Somebody find a tattoo artist.
I can do a semi-permanent one.
Oh my god.
You save ya.
It's a stick-on one.
It's more of a sticker, if I'm honest.
Amazing.
So then you can know if you want it for life.
I can guarantee it will last at least two hours.
Amazing.
That's amazing.
And can you do the design of anything he wants?
Anything in the world.
He wants Freaky Nipples nipple.
Any body part.
I can do any body part you want.
A nail.
I can do a nail.
Oh god.
Toe or hand.
A forehead.
Forehead?
A forehead with a nipple on my forehead.
He wants a nipple on the forehead.
I mean, it'll probably cost a bit more, but yeah.
Can you do orders in case there's more?
Yeah.
No, I have to be the one doing it, because it's a really
specialized craft, and I don't get into it too much.
But it's like, no, I don't do orders,
but I can come to your house at any time of day and night.
Would you consider getting, and this might be crazy,
and stop me if I'm wrong, would you
consider getting both of Freaky Nipples nipples
on your forehead?
Would you consider getting the two?
You know what?
Sometimes, when you think outside the box, you touch God.
I'm doing that.
Give me both Freaky Nipples.
Give me both Freaky Nipples, and I respect your artistry.
The mayor?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, man, he's an angel on earth, that man, so he is.
He's already done some wonderful, wonderful things
for me now over the last year.
And actually, well, not just me now, but also my new,
well, maybe not so new now, wee husband, Billy.
So yes.
So really, I mean, it all started.
It wasn't long after wee Billy and I had tied the knot.
People always wonder what a wee 25-year-old gym instructor
from the big smoke would want with a retired civil servant.
But sure, you know, love is the same.
And anyway, you know, the mayor was great there now
in stepping in, because what happened to me there
was I had a bit of an unexpected turn of events there
when I was unable to leave the house due because
of the old gypsy curse, you know.
So the mayor, he was great at just taking wee Billy
under his wing and showing him around the town and all of that
and showing him where the disco was and just,
and the two of them became great pals, so they did, you know.
And I believe one of the things they went to,
first aid classes together and a night school, you know,
down at the college.
Because I walked in on them one time when they were practicing,
you know, the mice to mice precipitation and all.
It was a very impressive night, it was.
Seemed to be very good at it, you know,
but then they said they had to keep practicing and stuff.
But then, you know, but at the minute now, you know,
just like, I'm just on my way here to the camping shop there
just to get a wee bit more gas for my stove,
because I'm down at the bottom of the garden
and I'd hint at the minute, because the mayor, you know,
probably the most best thing he's done yet is he's discovered
in the house, when he was in the house, he discovered in my house
the drapings of this rare beetle, this termite thing
that's threatening to eat away through all the rafters
and the whole place could come down round me, you know.
So what he's done then, him and Billy there,
they agreed that, you know, like, it turns out the curse covers,
I mean, I can still go in the garden, you know, so...
So I'm in the tent and they're in the house
and they're working away at the termites and all,
and I mean, they're obviously having a queer time of it,
you know, having fun now, because I can hear them laughing away
like anything, you know.
But no, but they're working away
and they're in the house of the termites,
and, you know, it'll take a wee while now, you know,
take a wee while, you know, I think this is the second month
we're at it now, you know, but listen here,
I can't stand here, Gavin, but the mayor, he's an angel on earth,
an angel on earth, I tell you, fabulous, Billy, fabulous.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is the first part of Dunbracken's Season finale.
Part two will be out in the coming days, hopefully tomorrow.