Um, I'd like access to the restricted section of the library please.
Okay, but you're going to need your library card.
Of course, here it is.
Here you go.
Okay, what book do you want?
I mean, I'm quite interested in any of the books in the restricted section.
The naughty book?
I thought naughty books would be nice.
Sorry, that's my little goblin servant.
Okay.
He's very excited by the thrill of the naughty books.
Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.
Are you sure you're ready?
I'm ready.
Grimbley's letting me down.
Sorry, sorry.
Keep it in your pants, Grimbley.
Sorry, here's my library card.
There's Grimbley's library card.
Okay, this is clearly homemade by a type.
Appreciate the effort.
Sorry, I'll wait in the car.
You brought your car here?
This is secret.
We only accept horse and carriage.
That's a ridiculous rule.
Why?
That's really offensive.
We're trying our best to foster an ambiance.
So rude.
You're fostering the ambiance inside the library.
Only having a car or a horse and carriage doesn't pertain to the interests of the inside of
the library.
Excuse me, it starts from the outside.
But since when?
Since architecture exists.
They don't put chairs outside the library for people to sit and read books in.
You come into the library, you do your dark business, and then you leave.
Now they don't.
When architecture had some integrity, they did.
You know what they think outside a Gothic cathedral?
They thought, oh, this is going to be fine, and we're going to create a really nice thing
on the inside, and then on the outside it's just a Soviet building, do you?
I literally think yes, that's what they would do, yes.
I don't think I'm going to let you in the restricted section, Sarah.
Gribbley, you fucked it.
Yeah, he really was.
Grimley, you've messed this up.
I can't believe this.
God.
Welcome
Back to Dunbracken.
Bloody Vostok, I'm thinking it is time to move.
We awake every night in this library and it remains locked.
There are only so many nights that I can read of the other pursuits of vampires when we
are stuck.
We are stuck in this library.
And I myself feel that I have been trapped in the fiction section.
Do you feel that as well, Bloody Vostok?
Yeah.
Do you not hunger, Bloody Vostok, for something more?
No.
You've always had such short ambitions.
How do you propose we try to escape this time?
A dream.
A dream?
A dream.
A dream?
Say it louder.
A dream.
We plant a dream.
Oh, a dream.
In the mind of a child.
That child dreams that dream out in the world, outside the restricted section.
When that dream is out in the world, it grows, it multiplies and, wait a few hundred years,
every single child will run around as a vampire.
But Bloody Vostok and the Night Children have not been here in decades.
A child will come.
Daryl, the bats are in the restricted section again.
Daryl, get the net.
Come on.
Not the net!
How do they keep getting in?
Daryl, get the net!
Someone left the window open, clearly, and I don't think it was me.
Daryl felt too warm.
Daryl needed cold breeze.
Daryl, you see what's happened again.
For the sixth night in two weeks, the bats have gotten in.
Daryl, as your supervisor, I am very upset with your performance.
Daryl, sorry.
Daryl's trying his best.
Daryl's on-
Oh, Daryl.
P.F.P.
Oh, Daryl.
P.I.P.
Personal Improvement Plan.
Oh, Daryl.
I can't stay mad at you.
You're- you're- you're doosletones.
I can, but-
I'm sorry, Karen.
Who asked you to speak?
I'm really sick of it.
I'm really sick of this.
You going in and being mean to Daryl.
Cynthia, you didn't even realize that there were bats in the restricted section.
It's your section.
I was just doing a sweep of the entire library.
Well, you should sweep hard enough.
We have terrible dust.
Oh, you know what I mean.
Karen, yeah, I'm being dead serious.
Cynthia, I respect that you're the supervisor for Daryl, but I can still make it an issue
for him that he's let the bats in.
Unless it was you.
My wonderful co-workers, I do not see any bats.
See?
Where are the bats now?
Duh.
Exactly.
We're just here trying to close this spooky library.
Daryl, see one bat throwing nets.
Thank you, Daryl.
Daryl, thank you for giving it a try.
No, Daryl, no bats.
No bats.
But can I please raise the point of children in the restricted section, please?
Yes, we need children in the library at night.
I don't see how we're going to clear that with the council, but I'm sure I can arrange
something.
Daryl can bring his kids.
Daryl, really?
That would be very helpful, Daryl.
Would be good to spend more time with kids.
Do your children have a beautiful imagination?
Daryl is by us as proud as.
Hi, I know that's not normally how this works, but I would like to get a refund on my pumpkin.
I paid £20 to select it, brought it home.
My kid isn't happy with it.
So.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
We're really sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
We strive that every customer and their child feel extremely satisfied with their pumpkin.
Can I ask?
Can I ask your name?
Is it relevant to the refund?
Well, it's for the form.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll just.
I'm not as precedent as I've never had to use this form 36B.
It records how you've been let down by Percy's pumpkins.
Percy.
I assume you're not Percy.
I'm not Percy, if only.
If only.
If only I could stand in the big size 11 shoes of that giant pumpkin man.
Can I ask your name?
It's not for the form.
It's just for conversation.
My name's Patrick.
Patrick.
I'm not disappointed with Percy's pumpkins.
My child is.
But the young generation, do you know how much money we spend on outreach to schools
and orphanages?
No.
It's a lot of money.
Where am I?
For a pumpkin patch.
Well, I'm sure.
So the fact that your kid's been.
What's wrong with the kid?
I mean, not what's wrong with the kid.
It's not your kid.
It's our problem.
What did we do?
It is my kid.
What's.
I'm not.
He's mine.
You're getting defensive.
You made the accusation that he's not my kid.
I slip of the tongue.
Well, now I'm having doubts.
About your kid?
If it was mine, maybe they swapped it in the hospital.
Sorry.
I mean, has your.
This is a deep rooted insecurity that I didn't realize I had until this moment.
Can I ask.
It's okay.
Can I ask it?
Does.
Do your parents like the pumpkin?
If you need me to swing by the graveyard and ask.
Would they have liked.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Would they have liked the pumpkin?
It was a while ago.
Would they have liked the pumpkin, do you think?
I hope so.
But the pumpkin's for my child.
Well, I'm suggesting.
Not for me.
What I'm suggesting is that if your parents would like the pumpkin and you like the pumpkin,
maybe your kid is a changeling.
In which case, I need to get another form 34B.
I thought you were trying to twist this into customer satisfaction thing.
So that your own reputation wasn't flawed.
So that your views were.
I'm going to get fired either way.
I'm just trying to help you get this little changeling child out of your life.
I appreciate that.
Are you being fired because my child doesn't like the pumpkin or maybe there was some other
disciplinary that I've just kind of.
Oh, no.
How is your working day?
Have I just.
It's gone from bad to worse.
From bad to worse.
Sorry, Patrick.
It's all right.
You're the one with the changeling child.
Oh, God.
So what's what's the issue?
Why don't they like it?
It's not orange enough.
Have you seen these things?
They fucking glow in the dark.
Fuck your kid.
Well, I don't I don't want to say that because I think he's mine.
And even if he wasn't, that's worse to have beef with a child that's not mine.
Is that him in the car?
Gotta break the window.
Patrick, no.
Lewis, ignore this.
Ignore this man.
Childs, childs.
Pumpkin not orange enough.
It looked like a Mandarin.
You're definitely a goblin child.
You're definitely not a human baby.
I dare you.
Lewis has been a bit sick recently.
Of course.
He's got pointy ears and scaly skin.
He gets that from his dad.
Yeah, he's a scaly man.
They both need to moisturize and they don't.
Do you mean to say I've made a faux pas around skincare?
Look at my elbow.
Oh fuck.
I tried it.
Jesus Christ, it's like an old apple.
Yeah, but I'm not allowed apples.
They're too red.
You're only allowed.
I'm not allowed apples.
You're not allowed apples because they're red.
I would like to interject.
That's also his father.
That's I want him to have the apples.
Yeah, I've tried, but he slaps the pink ladies out of my hand.
He says, here's a good green Granny Smith apple.
Don't eat it, son.
Cook with it.
This is what I have to live with day in, day out.
Your life seems to be dominated by approval of and disapproval of colors.
I thought you were going to say approval of and disapproval of parents, but yeah, it is.
Isn't that a solve, Lewis?
Oh, I should have listened more in the pumpkin class that you guys brought that workshop
to school.
Or maybe my problems with colors wouldn't be so bad.
Yeah.
Maybe I should have.
So can I swap out a pumpkin?
Oh, it's too orange.
It's too orange.
I thought it wasn't orange enough.
It's either too orange or not orange enough.
And so this tree is where they hanged all the witches because they didn't know at the
time that we were supposed to burn them.
So there's six witches that, well, they do come back every year.
So I got a question here.
Shit.
Now look, look here.
I'm for everybody.
I love everyone, but I'm not one of the wokes.
And that's what I'm going to say.
You're not woke, but you love everyone.
That's a good place to be.
Here's a question for you.
Hocus pocus too.
Yeah.
Did the witches need to be good at the end?
Could we not just had bad witches?
Well, it makes for a sequel for Hocus pocus three, whenever the kids are trying to kill
the witches, you know, or something.
Oh, put them in a cauldron.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Do you know what?
It's a hero's journey.
Are those the type of witches that they were burning?
No, no, they couldn't get as pricey.
They couldn't afford Sarah Jessica Parker here.
She was good in that film, but would not agree to be hanged.
So oh, why?
Bette Midler as well.
Yeah.
Couldn't ever get Bette Midler.
Goodness.
I mean, what can you imagine?
Do you get much Hocus pocus questions here at the witch stuff?
Usually it's about this time in the turn that they pop up, you know, and there's a few people
that believe it.
Now, I Hocus pocus nonsense, all that nonsense, all that shite.
It's all completely true now.
All true.
Got you.
All that shade is true.
It's only true because they were supposed to burn them at this date.
But of course, that news hadn't traveled.
Do you know how long it takes news to travel back in 1690?
What?
Like a week?
No, three months because you have to get the news onto a boat and that news has to stay
on a boat and hope it doesn't get scurvy and hope it doesn't die.
So you have to sometimes it could be six months.
There could be two journeys.
You're a chav.
Now, what I know about scurvy is you got to be eating the oranges.
That is a great question.
My question is, is that the reason why some folk, not me included, but some folk give
out a little orange in your trick or treat bag?
I hate that.
Like, what's this an orange?
Maybe it's a tradition.
OK, I don't...
OK, OK.
If it's from your pirate, if you were trick or treating and then getting straight on a
boat wouldn't you like a wee orange?
That's a really...
And I have a theory.
I have a theory, right?
In the old days when you said, look, we need to burn a witch.
We didn't do that.
We said, look, we need to hang a witch because again, it took way too long.
But your message, you give them an orange, keeps them alive, keeps away the scurvy, message
arrives, burn the witch.
See, if we had you 300 years ago, the message would have got across.
But unfortunately, the witches come back because hanging is not effective.
No, no.
You know what?
I've actually heard that before at other historical tours.
Hanging is not effective.
It might kill a normal person, might kill a dog.
You know what?
I've seen that.
You've seen that.
But it will not kill a witch.
And you know, the witches actually took over the town for a while.
There's a tree, which it's not this tree.
Oh, it's not this tree.
Can I ask a question there, please?
All the witches taking over the town.
Yeah.
It was a dark year.
Now, witches, they're still mortal.
They're not mortal beings, but they're immortal beings.
But they still got to figure out what's the leadership right?
So is it direct democracy?
Is it a representative system?
Well, they have a covenant, so they usually have one leader.
So that would be kind of like a covenant.
She would be elected because she's the most powerful usually.
I believe they believe in democracy, yeah.
Because like one person, always the strongest sister would become the mother.
Yeah.
Sorry to interrupt you there.
No, of course.
You're asking some great questions.
You know what?
What a great piece of history it'd be to see what it'd be like in one of those witches'
coffins.
It would be interesting.
Unfortunately, you know what's ironic?
They actually burned the town down.
Dad, why are we... why are we at the library so late?
You said you were taking me to Mom's.
Dad, we're here, library.
Darryl wants to spend time with you too.
You're growing up so fast.
Yeah, but this was Mom's night.
I didn't think we were meant to be hanging out with you.
I like Dad.
Don't make it about who you like more.
Your mother provides for you.
I like Dad too, but I just...
Thank you.
I like Mother.
I just say I like Dad in moment.
Okay, um, I just... you've got us here.
I'm wearing this very tight crown on my head.
You are Darryl's little prince.
Oh.
Do I get crown soon?
I'm in line.
No crown.
Okay.
I understand.
Succession.
Wait.
One.
Two.
Oh no.
Darryl left kid at home.
Where Bartholomew?
Hi.
Come, child.
Come through the gate.
No.
It is quite open.
No.
I... I don't know what to do.
I'm not sure what to do.
I don't want to go through the gate.
Come through the gate.
But the crown is pulling me towards the library.
It's...
Nerd.
...taming.
Fucking nerd.
Mother will be disappointed in you.
Don't resist.
Your skull will not feast together.
There's roots implanting into my brain.
Describe with bitter words why don't you?
Come to your master.
And I can't stop moving towards the library.
Look up, child.
Do you want sharp teeth?
Do you want skin as white as snow?
Do you want hair slicked back?
I do.
And spread the dream of Vampyr.
Vladivostok sorry I was just reading War and Peace.
What?
Oh my god is this what you meant?
It is done.
It is done?
The world will never be the same.
No, no, not for you.
I don't get to laugh yet?
No.
I'm sorry but this is the restricted section of the library and you're being very loud.
Apologies.
I'm sorry we'll laugh.
We'll laugh quieter.
What the fuck?
Why is it covered in blood?
This is going to be a nightmare.
Absolute nightmare to clean up.
We caught one of the bats.
Why does it have thumbs?
Why is there thumbs there on the floor?
Rare bat species.
A what?
Rare bat species.
No, why is there thumbs here?
It doesn't come from a bat.
Look Cynthia, Cynthia we used Darryl's net.
We caught the bat.
The bat is dead.
Who's missing their thumbs?
This is going to be a nightmare for the council.
Cynthia, if you have a problem.
Sorry Darryl was getting other sun.
But following you is fine.
Did you use my net?
Where's his net?
Give him back his net.
I signed out the net using the proper procedures.
I used the logbook.
It's my personal net.
This was a personal item.
Then why is it in the work cupboard?
Theft is theft.
It is soul bound.
If someone else uses it, I feel a part of me die.
Well someone has died.
In all due respect to Darryl.
He may have felt a part of him die.
He did also forget his son.
That's fair.
Darryl you're a bad father.
The bad father, the bad father.
But I respect you because I hate children.
Are those just thumbs of my son?
What?
Now my candidates here may say a great deal many things about my character.
What I will say back is that their eye of Newt has conjunctivitis.
That their toe of Frog has that fungal foot infection we've seen these last few years.
And that tail of Newt is hardly but a tail.
Jesus Christ who I don't believe in.
I am just going to say about this candidate that you really don't know how to mix your
cauldron correctly.
And that's all I'm going to say.
That's all I'm going to say.
Good Lord in heaven who you again.
I will say the state of my cauldron does not play into my party rules.
And I think my opposition a very cowardly woman to bring that into the political discussion.
Okay I see how it is.
You should see the state of my cauldron and I'm going to tell you it's back on fun.
Who wants someone leading the coven with a dirty cauldron?
Not me.
Am I right?
Yes I am.
The seasoning of the cauldron is lost when you wash it.
It's dirt.
Those layers of mana have built up over many many a year.
That's the issue.
That's why everyone you give a portion to gets tonsillitis.
I have a question.
What are each of your policies on housing?
Well that's a good question.
Great question.
Thank you to Ian for that question.
I personally believe that every resident in the Dunbracken area deserves a hole with a
cauldron.
That hole with a cauldron will be provided.
I do you know what I think that we should start building huts.
Yeah I said it.
Huts.
With a little thing called a chimney.
With a thatched roof.
Because I'm not just going to settle for a hole.
Excuse me.
Where are you procuring the materials needed for these huts and the manpower with which
to build them?
In the woods.
And sorry I believe in Suster Hut.
I have a question.
I've got this rash on the back of my thigh and I don't know how to get rid of it so I
was just wondering.
I don't know how you got it though.
Stop it.
I need to know how do I get rid of this rash.
How deep is the hole in which you live?
Um two.
Two feet.
With my new policy you could be living in a six foot deep hole.
The rash is clearly, clearly a result of you living too close to the surface.
I suppose you haven't even been eating worms have you?
I've got to ask you a genuine question.
Have you ever taken anything?
This one is brutal.
I've never seen this man before in my life.
I'm just asking the questions everyone's thinking.
Yes, thank you.
I was there last week.
Yes, I got a potion.
I've never seen this man in my life.
He lies.
Oh, that's so funny because I reckon that rash is going round the town because you brewed
up a bad potion.
I have a rash too.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
Did you not give Tommy a potion for his athlete's foot and it became the foot of a chicken?
Yes, but you must agree he no longer had athlete's foot.
He had chicken's foot.
That's worse.
Not to Tommy.
Sisters, sisters, I have a question.
This question, I have not seen it in the mainstream media, but there are tales and rumors that
across the waters they've learned to burn the witches.
They've learned to burn us and not hang us.
Okay, everyone calm down.
This is me.
Calm.
This is me.
I think we're united on this front when we say if they burn the witches, we'll come down
on them like a shit ton of cauldrons.
Am I right sisters?
Am I right?
Thank you.
I will say, my sister Cecilia, we are agreed on this issue.
We are.
Who here fears fire?
Tommy!
Thank you.
Who doesn't?
Who here has been close to a fire?
No, no.
Who has come burned?
Sometimes, sometimes.
Who has been burned, I say?
I'm a chef, yeah, yeah, I've been burned.
In love, yeah.
Sorry, Cecilia.
And did we not, the leader witches of this community, sort you out with a salve that
would cure all?
Well, apart from her salve, that was a bit-
Cure all but the rash.
Yes, that was the thing.
The rash notwithstanding, I would like to posit that this fire is no threat to us.
With increased investment in ourselves and increased investment in the world, we are
not going to be able to do anything about it.
This fire is no threat to us, with increased investment in ourselves and increased investment
in our arms, for which to put on the salves, we may see a great return where this fire
is of no threat.
This burning of witches will stay on the mainland.
Yes, yes.
And if they try and hang you, just sit on your broom.
It's that easy.
Don't even worry about it.
We know Cecilia's been sitting on her broom fairly often these days.
Oh, that's so cheeky.
What do you like?
And is it true when I heard-
Sorry, did you like all my voices there?
You know what?
That was amazing.
I've been working on a show.
I'm trying to get funded for it.
I'd love to see it.
Are you an actor?
Yeah.
I am an actor.
I would like to be, but I don't think myself.
Look, mate, you should believe in yourself, yeah?
Yeah, you got good talent.
That was amazing.
You know, if you were on the funding board, that'd be great, but like-
Well, I got a bit of cash.
I know a fella on a funding board.
Really?
You think we could-
You're talking about the Arts Council?
Yeah, you'd be the producer of the Arts Council?
One of my cousins works on the Arts Council.
Oh, wow.
You think my show about witches could be something-
Frankie, can you hurry the tour along, please?
Shut the fuck up, John.
We have another group coming in.
Shut the fuck up, John.
There's no time for you to sell your personal bullshit.
It's not personal bullshit, it's the witch's journey.
Well, get on with the tour, okay?
Fuck it, yeah.
You should not let him speak to you like that.
Yeah, mate, I wouldn't.
Because what you have is a talent and it's powerful.
I do, yeah.
Mate, you should just walk up to him and quit right now.
Yeah, do it.
You should do it.
Really?
See, do you know what?
Take your job and stuff it.
Yeah, see-
And follow your dreams.
Yeah, see, look, your mother looks like a fucking wankstein.
And I'm not saying that like a good wankstein.
I'm saying like a fucking ugly wankstein.
You should say that right there.
Oh, uh-
Hey, John.
Are you back on you?
Yeah, John.
Are you coming to tell me-
Are you coming to apologize for me for not doing your work?
Yeah, John, you should stuff your job up your hole and follow your dreams and your mother looks like a wank-
Ha!
My nose!
Anything else you'd like to tell me?
Get back to fucking work.
Was there anything else you wanted to tell him?
Uh, well, I just had one more question on the witches.
Is it true that they did invent the salve for the bones?
They did, they did.
And that was in 1691 during their year of reign.
They did discover it and about four years later when Jews traveled over from America of how to get rid of the rash, the salve was rashless.
Look, amazing people.
More you know.
Anyway, look, sweetheart, we're back to the cruise ship.
Yeah, we gotta go back.
Yeah.
Amelia Price, Daclan King, Niall McKenna, and Kate Reese.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.