Great to come back to our ladies.
Did you hear what happened to the principal?
No.
I don't want to see him though.
He tormented us when we were younger.
Like I don't want him to be here.
I thought he'd be dead by now.
You know, he's like, why what happened to him?
He's aged.
We've all aged.
We've all aged, Keith.
He's aged badly.
Really badly.
25 years.
I mean, he's...
I thought he was still... I thought he'd be dead by now.
He's crawling around.
Crawling around?
Yeah.
Is he like stooped over or something?
Is he just...
Like all the way down?
All the way down.
Yeah.
Like folded in half.
Yeah.
Like folded in half.
Yeah.
Have you ever seen that?
No.
I hope I don't see him.
No, I hope you don't.
He was horrible to us.
He tormented us like nothing you've seen before.
Alright there boys.
How you doing?
I'm down here.
How you doing, sir?
I'm gonna give you--?
I'm gonna give your socks a wedgie.
Oh Sir!
Welcome.
Back to Dunbracken.
Now honey, when you see the old guys again today, don't get too riled up.
Don't get too excited, okay?
Come on.
You gotta be on your best behavior.
What are you thinking of me?
Yes, no.
I've got past those guys.
I'd like to think I've matured a bit.
Xander, I love you.
You know I love you.
But I know you have a tendency when you're around those boys, you get a little bit rowdy,
okay?
Can you call me Z-Dog?
I don't...
Just while we're here.
Just for the night.
Come on.
Call me Z-Dog.
If it makes you happy, I'll call you Z-Dog.
But I just...
I want you to be on your best behavior, okay?
The principal is here as well.
Oh god, I can't believe he's still...
It is a school reunion.
Everyone from back in the day.
The guy was ancient when we were at school.
He's our daughter's principal now, so just... we can't make a fool of ourselves, okay?
Fine, fine.
Is that one of your friends?
He's looking really intently at you.
He's got binoculars.
No, it's Principal Brown.
Oh, it's a principal?
By the Lord's grace and kindness, I have been blessed in the present of this.
Is this Z-Boy?
Is this the Z-Boy?
Come on.
Come on, Principal Brown, come on.
This is Z-Boy.
You know it's Z-Dog.
You've upgraded?
Whoa, look at you, big, big boy.
I'm his wife.
Please don't ruffle my hair.
Hi.
Z-Girl Z-Dog.
I know it's you.
Cassandra, nice to meet you.
This is my binoculars.
Helps me see who's who.
How old are you, sir?
Just...
Don't worry about me.
I just want to know how old you are.
Don't worry about me.
I'm sorry.
Do you know how many children ask me that every day?
No, I'd love to know.
Not that many.
They're too scared.
Too scared.
One of them said I'll just turn into dust at an assembly someday, and that's my plan.
Oh.
I'm gonna turn into dust.
In front of the children?
In front of the children.
Come on, now, Professor Brown.
I'm working on how to get burned correctly, but slowly enough that I turn to ash and dust
in front of them like Kung Fu Panda.
I'm gonna turn to ash and traumatize the children.
Honey, I think that's one of your friends over there.
Maybe we should go over here.
Oh, yeah.
It was lovely to meet you, Professor.
You know why you want your name, Jikes?
Um, sure, yes, we'll get our name changed.
Thank you.
There you go.
I'm letting everyone in tonight.
So I wrote Z-Boy on it.
I can change it if you'd like.
Now that you're a big pop.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Let's just go.
Let's go.
I think I see.
Hi.
Hi, Sander.
Sander, it's me.
It's me.
Hi, hi.
Oh, Beatrice.
It's been years, Jikes.
You're looking wonderful.
I haven't needed you today.
Neither have you.
You're still as handsome as you ever were.
Hi, hi.
I'm a little bit scared.
Hi, hi.
I'm his wife.
Hi.
Hi, Sandra.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Oh, my word.
Do you see who's here?
I love these things because you get to see who peaked in high school.
Do you remember?
You remember Big G, don't you?
Big G is here and I still haven't gotten over my crush.
Go talk to him.
I can't be married.
When has that ever stopped you?
Oh, shush.
You were going to mention that, I thought.
Get between us.
Go talk to him.
I really can't.
I already have seven children now.
He does have seven children.
But sure, what's another one or two to him?
I may not be perfect, but I am not a homewrecker.
I'm not a homewrecker, Jeannie.
Look at you.
You don't have to be a homewrecker.
Look at you teasing me.
You've been in a hotel tonight.
You're teasing me.
You tell me to do it.
I'm not saying not to do it.
Well, girls, what are you talking about?
Oh, hi, Sarah.
Hi, uh, where you at?
Look at you.
You're looking, you're looking well.
You're looking well.
Oh, thank you.
I have been on a juice cleanse for weeks preparing for this so I can fit into this dress.
Your skin looks great.
You're looking great.
What, isn't she, isn't she, Jeannie?
What do you think of the dress?
Can you believe this fitted me 25 years ago?
Like, this is the dress I wore to prom.
Don't say that, 25 years.
Can you believe it?
I know.
It's a long time, isn't it?
I know.
And look, my boobs still look as good as they did.
Well.
Nothing done there.
What?
I can see you've got a wee bit of work done yourself.
Aye, I work hard.
I'm a hard working woman now, that's for sure.
I know, I know, but I'm talking about the, you know, the, around the face and...
Who you talking to?
Is she talking to you, Jeannie?
I think she's talking to you.
No, she isn't.
No, you aren't.
You better not be talking to me.
I, I thought definitely I saw you coming out of...
See what I'm doing?
I'm rolling these sleeves up.
...to McIntyre's office one day.
Was that not you?
You in third year still?
You want me to take this outside, are you?
Are you, Sarah, love?
Are you?
Well, maybe it wasn't you.
Can you say something?
Say something, Jeannie.
What do you want me to say?
And Jeannie, Jeannie, you look lovely, like, and it's great that you've went for the au
natural, like, haven't really tried to fight the ageing process at all.
I'm sorry, what?
Nothing's changed, Jeannie.
Changed.
Nothing?
Nothing has changed?
You're not the only person rolling up your sleeves.
That's right.
That's four arms out now.
You've embraced the grey hair and, like...
I've embraced nothing, Jeannie.
Well, you just, you've sort of let a few things go and...
Let go?
Yeah, like, you're not...
Sarah, we're gonna have to stop you right there.
We're not in school anymore.
Okay, yes, we are at our latest, but what I mean is 25 years has passed.
25 years.
And I'm still in my prom dress and you two are looking...
Oh my God.
Tired?
See if I let that big G slip me one night now he'd get us seven boys down here.
Seven boys down here and back us up here.
Who put in a word with them?
So...
You guys...
So...
Jamaz?
I have them.
No.
I wouldn't really be much into...
Still do much?
You still do English?
I mostly speak at these things.
Yeah, I'd read a little bit.
Mostly on, like, Twitter and things, I guess.
Are your guys...
Feet?
My feet?
Oh, killing.
Killing.
They're not great.
I had to wear these nice brogues.
I don't usually wear these.
I don't recall you ever wearing them at school.
Swing by the store sometime.
Pretty quiet.
A fish gotta eat.
You own a shoe store?
No.
No, you know the little fish tank thing you put your feet in?
Oh, yeah.
Dance team?
I see people from school all the time.
I thought maybe you tag guys would have called around at some point, especially if your feet
hurt.
My feet are killing.
I didn't know you opened that up.
Does this help with foot pain?
I thought it was just dry skin.
That's what I thought.
I didn't know it helped with foot pain.
Do you work there or do you own it?
The fish hire me.
The fish hire you?
I came in and the fish were in the tank.
There was a building with a fish in a tank that you just started selling services out
of?
I'd like to think that the fish don't work for me.
I work for the fish.
By getting people in.
But legally, you own it?
You're the proprietor.
I own the building.
I don't own the fish.
I don't know who they really are.
Which is why I try to keep it separate.
I would assume you own the fish.
I get a cut whenever I bring people in.
We only take cash though.
Cash only business.
Yeah, you throw some of the coins in the bottom for the fish.
That stopped Mr. Mann from doing that show come though.
They are well attuned.
They're hardwired for feet only.
Sometimes the occasional hand if it looks like a foot.
I get that.
Some people's hands do look like feet.
It's basically if it's a lot of dead skin on it.
I'll take my dad.
He has terrible eczema so he could just go right into it.
That would probably help.
That would be real nice.
That those bad boys suck on him.
They suck on him.
Oh they suck?
They chew?
It's like a nibble.
At the start they suck.
They're like hands into nibble.
This is Beatrice, Kelsey.
She was my...
Hi.
Sorry, what were you saying?
What were you saying?
I was just saying she was my study buddy.
Study buddy.
I was.
I was your study buddy.
We used to close?
No.
Not really.
We used to sit beside each other and just like...
We're in close proximity too much of the time.
I always liked to sit near to you.
I was aware.
You used to smell so nice.
Hey Beatrice, there's that drink you wanted.
Oh thank you.
Beatrice, who's this?
Is this your...
Hey I'm Tommy.
Am I hurt or am I awake?
I mean, uh, what?
This is uh...
I'm Tommy.
Tommy.
Aww.
It's Toady Tommy.
Come on, man.
Toady Tommy.
Toady Tommy because of my webbed feet and long tongue?
Come on, man.
Come on, I'm just jesting like that.
I know.
It was the first thing I did.
You're fierce.
Come on, sorry.
We're in the old canteen.
Yeah, I know.
I get it.
I got a tongue reduction.
You don't think it's smaller?
I suppose I can, yeah.
It's a little.
I suppose I can, yeah.
It's a little smaller.
You've got a...
I didn't even know they did that.
They cut out half of it and then put some back.
Wow.
Stitched it.
Good for you, man.
Tommy, you're looking lovely.
Thank you.
Zander's told me, sorry, ZDogg's told me...
ZDogg?
...to sit about you.
That's cool, man.
That's cool.
Hi Beatrice.
Yeah, it's catching on.
It's caught on.
He told you about Tommy, but he didn't tell you about me?
Hey Beatrice.
No, um, he has many anecdotes about like uh...
Yeah, me and Tommy from...
Tony, Tony.
...back in the day.
Yeah, we used to...
We used to...
We used to get put in bins and...
Or...
Oh.
...lockers.
No, I...
Zander didn't tell me that.
We were putting people in bins.
No, no, don't worry.
He didn't go put in bins.
Put me in bins and what not.
We just...
Oh.
No, but it was all...
I was lying it, so...
Right.
Because I was part of the gang.
It was just something we did.
It was fun.
It was because of my webbed feet I could stick to it.
Yeah.
Honey, I'm going to go to the bar and get a couple of drinks.
You stay here with the boys.
I'll be back soon, okay?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
I'm Beatrice, I suppose.
I'll be back soon.
We're the boys?
I don't think we're the boys.
We're not his crew.
I wish.
Tony, we're the boys right now.
Okay.
Hiya, Jerry.
Oh my god.
Hi, Jerry.
Hiya.
You look so well.
You too.
I've noticed you don't.
You too.
Sorry, who are you talking to?
You too.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
And hi.
Your boys are, I can't believe, the eldest ones graduating.
Yeah, they're all great.
And how did you get over the loss of your wife?
Wait, hang on a second.
You lost your wife, Jerry.
Did you not hear?
No, I didn't.
I've been over comforting her.
Are you sorry about your wife?
It was bad.
She didn't even know.
She didn't even go to the funeral.
It's sad, man.
It's sad.
And I've been there and I've been making meals for the boys.
No, it's not sexy.
Mothers aren't sexy.
Sounds a bit overbearing, to be honest.
They love, you know, having a mother presence back in their life.
A bit suffocating, if I might say.
I think the principal's looking at you.
The principal is looking here.
I'll take you to the principal.
Because he really wants a word with you.
I can't remember what he said, but he said.
Your hair and I need you to pick them up off the ground.
Aye.
We'll go.
Yeah, yeah, your grand-grand-grand.
Do you need to take one for the team, will you?
Do you need to take one for the team?
Come with me, come with me.
Remember we danced at the prom and all that?
Yeah, yeah.
Come with me.
No, no, no.
Jerry's busy.
Here, we'll just go.
We'll just go help with the principal.
You're too kind.
Shall we go catch up, then?
Yeah, we could.
I can roll these sleeves back down now.
Oh, wow.
You look so well.
Here, here.
You can stay in our hotel room tonight.
I'll go home.
See those three in the corner still fighting the way they always did?
Why did you bring me here?
I didn't want to come.
I did not want to see Jerry.
Jerry has always been the one who's got all the girls, always got all the things.
He's got seven kids, you know.
Seven.
This is precisely why I brought you here, though, because you need to face this.
You need to deal with this.
You need to process this.
This is really good therapy for you.
What you're suggesting.
Be a step forward.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Just need to get through.
I think.
Are you?
The best revenge, as they say, is a life well lived.
Just don't let Jerry know that you're bothering him.
Just go on about your day.
Meet people, talk to people, mingle.
You guys don't want to chill enough?
He didn't want me to hear.
No, no, I can't.
It's not up to Jerry.
You're one of the alumnus here, too.
Well, I'm going to chill.
No.
You're as welcome here as everybody else.
Jerry's never been the same since that day when he basically took.
I'll just go by.
Say it.
I can go fight the boys or something.
Say it out loud.
I don't want to say it.
Face the fear and do it anyway.
He took.
Go on.
He took my trombone.
He took your trombone.
You were very good at that trombone as well, weren't you?
I haven't been able to play a trombone since.
I was.
Certainly not that one.
No, that one.
It never made a sound again.
It just absolutely tore apart.
And he hit the headmaster's car with it.
Three times in one week.
I was a great musician.
I was going somewhere.
I was going to be the best trombonist in the world you've ever seen in your life.
That's where I felt I was going.
And then they blamed it on the football.
They said it was the football.
I know.
How did he believe that that was a football that did that?
I don't understand.
It's like a medal.
It was like a scrape down the side.
It was a scrape down the side.
But that trombone was just never...
That was my best friend.
That was my best friend at school.
I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't a great idea to bring you here.
That was my best friend at school.
Maybe what we need to do is go home.
Because I'm starting to think that this isn't a good idea for you to be here at all, Ashley,
because look at you.
No, I'm going to say something.
You're going to say something?
I'm going to say something.
Well, this will be quite a breakthrough for you psychologically, but by all means go ahead
and do so.
Girls, how are you?
It's good to see you.
Hey.
Oh my God.
Sandra, you look fantastic.
Thanks Cathy.
Thanks.
The three girls back together.
Yeah.
I'm going to go and get some more.
Sure, Susan.
Yeah.
It's lovely to see you.
Oh my God.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You look great.
Oh my God.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
Do you know something?
I was saying to my husband over there, these are my two best friends in the whole world.
Oh.
Do you remember the blood pack we made?
I remember you cutting our hands.
Yeah.
I had to get sketches.
And making a share of blood.
Yeah, Cathy.
I remember you caught a blood pack.
That's what I remember.
Yeah.
We both got a blood disease from that just to let you know.
I know.
And me too.
That's why we're all sisters.
Yeah.
That's really lovely of you.
Thanks for reminding me.
Anyway, you changed your address.
Yeah, we did.
And you seem to realize that.
You've noticed that.
I've noticed that.
Yeah.
Well, I called in and I said, guys, you know where the girls have gone?
They didn't.
Well, I think they might have.
They didn't.
I think they might have.
I'm sorry.
You called in, so did you have your own key?
Well, yeah, I had one made when you first moved in.
A family of four moved in to where I was living.
They didn't change the lock.
That's not really the issue here.
It's why you had a key in the first place.
Well, the three sisters had to let themselves in.
When you were living there, I'd let myself in and just putter around, you know.
You let yourself into our houses.
Well, yeah.
Sisters?
No!
What were you doing in our house, Taffy?
We were just pottering around.
What do you mean by pottering around?
That's so nondescript.
Who do you think did all those, you know...
What?
What were you doing in our house?
Just the bits of the bobs.
The house wasn't clean, so you clearly weren't doing any of the housework.
It wasn't cleaning.
Did you not realize when you woke up that some bits were gone and some bobs were done?
We're gone?
Were you doing petty theft?
You were stealing from us?
From our house.
No!
Girls, what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours!
No!
No, Cathy!
No!
Just because we share the same blood doesn't mean that that's how that works.
I think you'll find the law says different.
The law?
The law says different?
Cathy, what did you take?
What are you talking about?
Cathy, tell us now, what did you take?
What just is that?
No, come on!
What is this and that?
A little bit of this and a little bit of that?
I don't have an inventory?
What do you mean?
Speculate.
Speculate for us what you took.
What do you remember taking?
Sure, okay.
Spoons?
Which spoons?
Big spoons or teaspoons?
Some of the baby spoons, of course.
Baby spoons, they're called teaspoons, Cathy.
Not where we came from, girls.
Where we came from?
Where we're from, they're called teaspoons.
When we were growing up together, they were called the baby spoons.
No, baby spoons are for babies.
Teaspoons are for tea.
None of us have kids.
How big are your baby's mats?
We don't have children.
It doesn't matter.
I can't remember how big my wife was when I was a baby.
Bloody hell!
Is that Seedog?
Look who is, Seedog!
Yo, yo, yo, Seedog!
Got me up, my man!
Hey, Tommy!
What's going on, man?
Hey, Philly? Is that you?
That's me, big Philly.
Are you still on the steroids?
Philly never stops the steroids, bro.
Yeah, I'm on the steroids.
Beatrice, you're looking beautiful.
Thank you.
Well, now that the boys are here, I'll leave you be, Z-Dog.
Thanks for letting me be one of the boys again.
Bye, Beatrice.
Bye, boys.
Bye, Beatrice.
Philly, Philly, come on, bro.
Sorry.
Stop objectifying a woman as soon as you meet her, bro.
Come on, we talked about this.
That's okay, Philly.
Nice to see you.
Sorry, Beatrice.
She said I can do it.
Well, then, as long as you've checked.
Yeah, Beatrice.
Damn, damn, girl.
Do you want to go to the bathroom?
Jesus.
No, I've just been thinking I'm fine.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
That wasn't what I meant, but sure.
Philly, Philly, easy.
Dig it down.
Dig it down a notch.
Hey, look, we're just trying to have a bit of fun, you know?
Oh, I know, but the fun and the enders.
Come on, man.
If you want to have fun, hey, guys.
Tony Tony's over there.
You know what we could do for a little time, see?
You're not digging.
Say what I think you're saying.
We have three options, bros.
Also, they got my DM tag, Rob.
I had to take jills because they just didn't give me one because on a kind of I never graduate.
Oh, yeah.
So technically, I'm not allowed to be here, but principles a joke.
It was a joke.
He will turn to us.
I can still hear still crumbling away in front of the kids at some point.
But like your boy, Tony, he's still here, still popping off, still lighting fires and stuff.
You know, but just if anyone asks, I am Jill.
So for tonight, we knew that.
Yeah.
So you've been up by yourself this past year?
You know, just been living, living life.
I skateboarded everywhere.
So yeah, and I kind of couldn't get a job.
I said a school.
So I am just doing bits and bobs here and there.
So you're going to skate.
So I got a skateboard.
Yeah.
OK.
And you know, that's really the perfect mode of transport, really, for me, you know.
Cool.
What are you?
What are you doing now?
Well, I just at home.
I'm just looking after my looking after my three sons.
Three sons?
Well, I'll be.
You don't look like someone who's had three sons.
All right, Philly.
All right.
Yes, Sander, Sander, Sander.
That's called all three of them, Sander.
You call all three of your sons Sander?
Yes.
What?
Like my boy Sander over here?
Yes, yes, yes.
Like my Z-dog?
After me.
I gave the ball after you.
Who's the baby daddy?
Oh, well, you're one.
Hey, Philly.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
Philly.
Hello.
I'm not sure who the third is.
Philly.
Hang on here.
Whoa.
Is that the five year reunion?
It could have been.
Beatrice, you didn't tell me.
Well, that just.
Sander, do you want to go to the bathroom?
No, Beatrice.
You said you'd already been to the bathroom.
Please get off my shoulder.
Stop touching me.
Yes, but I need to go again.
His wife.
Sander might want to take me.
What the hell?
Hang on.
Beatrice, you named three of your children after me.
Yes.
Yes, and they all go to school here.
It's difficult.
Hey, Principal.
Sorry, I was spying on you with my binoculars.
I read lips.
Hey, you're not getting up too bad for a bag of bones.
Do you want to go, brother?
What?
I will kick you in your teeny, tiny, picks.
I can't do that anymore, Principal.
I have the reach.
You don't go to school anymore.
I don't mean you physically can't do that.
I mean, there are laws.
You're adults.
We're all adults here, so I can hit anyone in the school I want tonight only.
That is not how that works.
That is how that works.
Sorry, I lost my voice for a second.
No, that's.
Look, just don't fight.
All right.
He was the one who started it.
Just be aware.
I'm always watching.
I have eyes everywhere.
Where did he go?
Jesus.
I'm still here.
Sorry.
I was trying to turn it into ash, but it didn't work.
Okay, bye.
So can I book you guys in?
All right.
My schedule is empty, so I can work around you.
Okay, well, that's.
They're sure hungry when they don't eat, they die.
You have a business card?
Oh, should I have one?
I mean, if you come to my store, I can get you some.
Oh, yeah, because you do business cards?
Not just business cards.
We do posters.
We do flyers.
We do sometimes dissertations.
So if I want a business.
In many ways, I've graduated a hundred times over.
Oh.
None of the stuff is in English, as you say.
You mostly just speak it now.
I don't read it.
No, no, I respect my privacy.
You can put whatever you want in a business card.
If you don't want, if you don't have it to me, I won't read it.
So if I wanted to make like a business card for my business, that was a poster.
Should I make a huge business card to put on my wall?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's unorthodox, but.
I won't tell you what my business is because it will be on the thing.
I won't read it.
Yeah, exactly.
That's why.
No, no, I mean.
So I can tell you.
You're free to tell me.
I respect your privacy if you don't want me to know, but we've been known to push boundaries.
We will print some really wild stuff.
Yeah, I'm pretty wild.
So this is nice, though.
We're supporting each other's local businesses.
Hey, do you have any gripes with any particular animals?
I mean, I guess you'd be one to talk, Dave.
Yeah, you know, it can be hard to work with sometimes to fish, but I'm a pant bunty hunter.
As well as making the posters.
No, no, you make I was thinking I could work for me.
I'm specifically applying, but he doesn't have to close the gate.
No, I don't.
I don't.
Pet bounty hunter.
Yeah, well, I guess specifically not pants.
It's more like wild animals because I have to change the name for a while.
Too many pants are loved.
So it's the biggest thing you've caught.
My uncle, Terry, I thought I thought he was a bear.
I had to let him go.
But I did catch him.
Glad that you let him go.
Yeah, like in a bear trap.
So it was bad.
Yeah.
What was his feet like after?
You know what?
I should send him your direction.
Fine gold.
Thanks.
Are they fine with blood?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some of the bigger ones, they look different to the small fish, but they love blood.
OK, so yeah, interesting.
Oh, I suppose they fill up.
They get thicker, don't they?
The fish?
OK.
And there's a couple of leeches in there as well.
Oh, that's what I was thinking.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the expert on the fish.
Leeches and I don't know what the bigger ones are, but good teeth.
Sharp teeth.
Right, right.
And if any of them step out of line, I can take care of them for you.
For a fee.
Or for friends.
They're not pets, though.
Like colleagues.
Oh, no, but I've expanded my business into non-pent animals as well because...
I feel like I don't quite understand your business.
Is this like when someone loses their dog?
Or are you implying criminal animals that need hunting?
Well, I'm like a private investigator, but for animals, I will only go after an animal.
Oh, so this is licensed?
No, no, no, I couldn't get that licensed.
OK.
These ads?
No.
Who said?
Police officers.
OK.
Thank you.
We had a big lockdown, and that was a song called What a Run Away With You.
That song was dedicated from Argo B. Interest to Xander Senior.
And this next little ditty is one of our most well-known songs.
It's also been requested by Beatrice, so if anyone else wants to request a song, you can totally do that.
Anyone else, anyone besides Beatrice, want to come request a song, come on up.
Anyway, this next song is a little one called Love Is a Waiting Game.
Thank you so much, Our Lady of Despair and Retribution.
Xander, I was wondering, I was thinking I might like to have a fourth child, and I was wondering if you'd like to be...
Beatrice, I hope this is not... I'm not hearing what you're just asking. I'm here with my wife.
So?
Is everything going OK over here?
Yes, it's fine.
Hey, Cassie.
Hey, Xander, is everything OK?
Seedog.
Seedog, sorry, um, Beatrice, you are being very touchy towards my husband.
I just want to point that out to you.
I'm kind of going to need you to like step off a little bit.
I've known him longer than you have.
Um, yeah, that doesn't...
Go away!
That literally doesn't matter. We're married.
So?
There's no so about it. Get your hands off him.
I think it's entirely up to Xander. What do you think, Xander?
Get the fuck off me.
This is not...
Bro, nice affirmative boundary.
Yeah, bro, what?
That was still sick as hell.
Still boundary.
It's like the old days. Get away from me.
I'm sorry, I'm going to get the principal because you're being too much.
Um, principal, sorry, can you please ask...
Can you ask Beatrice to leave this reunion because she is making everybody uncomfortable?
I can't ask anyone to leave.
Why? What?
It's a reunion. If I ask you to leave, you can never return.
And most of these people have children at this school.
Beatrice is three. Do you know how many parent-teacher meetings she has?
Three?
Yeah!
Yes.
So you do know what's on my plan?
I could fit in one more. That's the plan.
No, we don't need any more.
What are you talking about? Fit in one more? What do you mean?
I'm on the lookout for another child.
She's asked me to go to the bathroom with her.
Are you hitting on my husband?
Beatrice!
Just for tonight.
Beatrice?
Yes?
We're not allowed to hit on other people's husbands. Remember the talk we had?
I didn't think it applied for school reunions when you've known people as long as I've known Xander.
It does. I had to have this with her at the last parent-teacher meeting. She kept hitting on husbands.
That's where I met the father of little Xander III.
I'm sorry, your child's name is Xander III?
Yes, I had to name him Xander III because Xander I was having his second baton.
Uh, no, this is too much. Xander, we're leaving.
Oh, don't go.
No, we're leaving. This is too much.
The awards are coming up soon.
What did I say? It's Z-Dog.
No, it's that we've gone past Z-Dog, Xander. You've got a woman actively hitting on you.
You've got a guy with webbed feet and a really short tongue just crying over there.
Hang on. Yeah, we still haven't put him in the bin yet.
You could have put him in the bin. I told you. I warned you not to get into your antics and you're getting up to your antics.
Get up to my antics, Xander.
Excuse me, Beatrice, please.
Cassandra, if I may interject, I'm John John. I'm not Jill. Sorry to confuse you like that.
Well, you see your name tag says Jill, so what am I meant to believe?
That's why I'm clarifying for you. I'm just saying here, you seem like a stand-up woman, seem like a great gal.
Thank you.
And Z-Dog here, lucky to have met someone as incredible as you.
Yeah.
What I'm going to tell you right now is he has been nothing but respectful of you and he says no.
Like, he really, really means it. He was affirmative and strong and he was like, I have a wife.
Oh shit. I have a wife. I'll see you guys later.
Going to go find my gal.
This just proves that she has a different reality from our childhood.
I know. That's what we were saying earlier.
Hey, babe. Hey, how are you going on now?
Oh, sure. Here's my husband.
Here's that drink for you, babe. Oh my God. Is this the sisterhood of the travel and house keys?
Oh my God.
What?
I'm so glad to meet you. Well, my name tag says Jill. I'm not Jill. I'm Tony.
They didn't have my... because I get kicked out of school, so they didn't have my name tag.
Did we go to school with you?
I'm Tony. I'm Tony. I'm not Jill. It says Jill.
Is he the one that set fire to the gym?
That's me.
I think you remember Tony. Oh my God. He's such a rebel. I got the bad boy.
Tony the arsonist.
Not Jill. Tony the arsonist.
Tony, not Jill. But Tony the arsonist.
What your problem is you need to ignore the name tag?
Ignore the name tag. I'm Tony.
No, no. I'm getting it. I'm getting it.
Tell me this.
Yeah.
What do you call the smallest spoons you own?
Baby spoons? Is there something small?
Did she tell you to say that?
No.
How did you come to that conclusion?
We fell in love?
Over the baby spoons.
Over a few things? Bits and bobs?
Bits and bobs?
Cathy, come on.
Oh, I'm sure your vows were wonderful.
He wasn't in my house, was he?
Which one was yours?
Once or twice?
He wasn't in my house, was he?
Why did you bring Tony the arsonist around to my house?
He could only hold so many bits and bobs.
Well, someone needed to carry them.
What were you stealing from me?
We weren't stealing.
We weren't stealing. Were we, Tony?
Were we stealing? No, we were always leaving as much as we took.
Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
What were you leaving in my house?
Being sisters is all about a given, a bit of take.
We are not sisters, Cathy.
No, we're not.
Sisters in blood?
No!
If you're not sisters, then explain how you all have house keys for each other.
Exactly.
We don't have house keys for each other or for her.
Oksher, do you know what?
If we did a DNA test right now, you would have the same DNA in me.
Oh my god. No, I'm not hearing you tell this.
No.
We could 23andMe them right now.
No!
Yeah, well, I already got some vials this morning when they were walking past here in Cold Baby.
How did you get that?
I'm going to go post these right now, babe.
Would you eat my blood?
You are not to post those.
His name's Tony?
Tony the arsonist.
Not Jill.
I know it's Cathy.
Why did you get in our mouths?
Well, sure.
Just a bit of tinkering and tankering.
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
Genuinely, how did you manage that?
Sure.
I have a deadbolt on my door.
How did you get in?
Girl never tells her secrets.
What are you talking about?
That's a crime.
I mean, we covered a few crimes.
Yeah, actually multiple crimes.
Multiple crimes, but multiple good times, girls, right?
No, Cathy.
No, actually.
Seemingly only for you.
Bad.
Oh, sure.
I'm glad we got this dynamic back again.
You guys being playing the droopy ones and me playing the peppy ones.
Droopy.
We're scared of you, Cathy.
That is terrifying.
Sure.
Good times.
Anyway, I've got to go over and talk to Sandra.
All right.
Please do.
See you later, girls.
Love yous, and I'll be over in a bit.
To your houses.
Jesus Christ.
Hello, class of 1999.
Hey, Cathy.
Welcome back here.
Great to see all of you all looking great.
Do you know what time it is?
It's fun time, that's right.
It's time for the award ceremony.
Oh, she still drinks, you know.
Right, so, if I can get a helper for the award...
Is there anyone there?
Who is teacher's pet now?
That helper, are you?
Oh, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, I wanted to read the mic.
Not you now, principal.
You've given up enough awards in your time.
Fuck you, Annie, you alcoholic.
Right now, come on up here now, Berk.
Wonderful, so, first award.
I'll read out the title, will I?
Aye, and I'll read out the name.
Who's done best since 1999?
That's the first award.
Oh, no, this can't be right.
Oh, who's it say there's no mistakes now?
I'm secretary here.
No, this can't be right.
This person hasn't done it.
Ah, well, we'll see what they say in their speech now.
Sarah.
Sarah, now, Sarah there in the same progress
for 25 years onward.
Sarah, here's a wee question for you now.
Now, you've won the award for doing best in the last 25 years,
but the big question is, how come you haven't been able
to afford a new dress?
Well, I wore it just to demonstrate that I could still
fit into a dress from 25 years ago.
I've been doing this just fast for the last couple of weeks,
and I haven't felt healthier in so long.
Wonderful, that's success, and day-giver.
Clap, lads and ladies.
Lovely.
That is what success is.
Away you go now.
Second.
Oh, she's still going.
I think, you know, that the women really should step it up a bit.
I see what you're saying.
Look, it's 9pm.
Having you seven children to look after, right?
Thanks now, Sarah.
And just one more thing.
I just want everybody to know that, Jerry, I am sorry again
about your wife.
Get off the stage!
I'll always be there for you.
Jerry's not here.
Holy shit, someone's fighting.
Everybody, just fight, come on.
Yes, get in there, girls.
Fight, fight.
Yeah, go on.
Sog, I drew them.
Kick her, kick her, kick her.
Oh, someone threw a knife in.
Knife her.
We're leaving, Xander.
It's Seadog, it's Seadog.
I made business cards.
Why did you make the business cards?
Where did you get the business cards?
I got them off Amazon.
They weren't very good.
What the hell?
They were flimsy.
I didn't know you did them.
Why not?
Have you not seen the posters around town?
I have.
And you have clearly not read them.
No.
And Martin...
No, I talked to my PR firm and they said, we really, you didn't read them, but I respect
my client's privacy.
It's nothing.
It does not make sense.
That's disappointing.
It says posters, business cards, and more.
Where?
And it just stops.
Okay, I'll have to talk to them.
I mean, business has been booming, so I just assumed they were working.
I feel like this is pot kettle black though.
You're talking about going to other businesses, open toast sandals, flaunting your feet.
You look healthy.
Yeah, as I can see, there's no need, but if they ever deteriorate, I'll be over there.
But is it really flaunting to you if it's the fish that are more interested in it?
I have to bring the customers in.
I don't get that.
You have to assess before...
Let me see those hands.
I won't take my gloves off.
I want to see Martin's hands.
How do I know you're not hiding feet-like hands underneath that?
I'm not going to take my gloves off because...
I'll put ink on it or something.
I know there's a bet going about whether or not I got married in the intervening years,
so I'm going to keep those fingers hidden.
I mean, it's kind of obvious.
You put the ring over the glove.
That's my business ring for Businessman of the Year.
Oh.
Yeah, that was prestigious.
It's on the ring finger of you that I'm married to the game.
Well, it's my first love.
And to be fair, it really does skew the results for the bet going around.
Did you bet no?
Did I bet no?
Obviously, I didn't participate.
I know whether or not I'm married.
I haven't put down my bet yet.
I'm wearing the gloves because I am objecting to the bet because I know someone beautiful.
See, because I was going to put down yes because I saw the ring.
Oh, thanks.
Well, no, because I saw the ring.
I don't like how the odds are very bad for that.
Yeah, but that's why I was wondering, did you put on the Businessman of the Year onto the ring finger
to skew the odds a little bit back into...
No, it's to brag.
Oh, OK.
I feel like we would know if wedding invites.
I wouldn't have invited you to.
You wouldn't have invited us?
To be fair, he wouldn't have read the RSVP anyway.
No, no, if you send it back, I'll read it.
I just won't.
If I'm declined, I will read it.
So you're saying if your fiance meets the RSVPs, would you have read them?
If she wanted me to.
Oh, OK.
And I mean, part of true love is reading each other's letters.
Is it?
Well, I phrase that poorly, but we would share everything.
Whether or not I get married, I'm not going to say one way or the other, but I would only marry someone.
It sounds like you're married or just a very romantic recluse.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
What's your partner's fate like?
Good question. This could help us.
You know, the fish can travel.
The fish can travel?
Yeah.
They can. I've been tracking one fish for three weeks now.
I can't find it.
And we can take the tank to like a wedding reception?
I mean, dancing feet or an anniversary party?
Yeah, yeah. Fish love anniversaries.
Fish love anniversaries.
Fish love anniversaries, yeah.
Why was I voted weirdest? I don't... I'm talking to you two here.
A lot has changed.
A lot has changed. Like, things happen.
Life happens.
I just...
You notice there's no... there's no bet as to whether or not I'm married, because it's pretty clear.
Look how many rings I'm wearing.
Yeah.
Although I have to say, the rumours about me and the fish, no. That's disgusting.
Not true.
No, it's not true. It's not true. Why are you surprised? It's not true.
I'm not surprised. I'm just going to go change a bet.
Sorry, but I just want to clarify. I heard people making little noises when I'm going by, and I know what they're thinking.
I respect that, because you don't know who is the owner, you or the fish, so you wouldn't murky the water even further.
And I don't want to sell our business relationship.
Yeah.
You know.
All above board.
Sorry, those are reasons you wouldn't do it.
The only thing keeping me back.
Okay, so if tomorrow morning the business were to go under...
I'd be ruined.
I'd be goddamn ruined.
Yeah, that's not the question I'm asking, though.
I'd be sleeping with the fishes for real.
This is why you got class clown. This is why you got class clown.
But for real, I'm not going to go to your business.
Daddy, daddy, daddy, did you have a good night last night?
Yeah, it was great.
Oh, daddy, daddy, tell me everything.
Oh, it was so great.
Oh, daddy, daddy, daddy, did you see all your friends?
I saw them all.
Tell me what happened. What was the highlight? And then I'll go tell mommy.
Oh, wait.
You mean mommy Mary.
You got confused.
I sometimes get over excited.
Oh, my son.
Now it's all coming flooding back.
Yeah, I'm so sorry for you.
My mom is gone.
And it's mommy Sarah here.
I'll look after you.
Go away.
Sarah, you're such a good boy.
So how was your night?
I left you quite...
You were getting quite involved with your own fling.
You sent me back here to look after your seven boys.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
I don't like her.
Why not, son? She's lovely.
If you go through with this, we're all going to put in for emancipation.
Son.
We could go to Hawaii without the seven boys.
Sarah, Sarah, you're putting me in a difficult situation.
Derry, Derry, Derry.
Hawaii.
Well, well, well, how did it go?
Well...
Did you go back with them?
We did. We did go back. We did go back now, didn't we?
How was it?
We did go back.
Was it like it was at school?
What I would call...
It was uneventful, really.
I can't believe you did it.
Well...
What do you mean uneventful?
Well, what?
Something weird happened.
Weird?
I remember back in school. I mean, you slept with them too, right?
Aye.
I mean, like, it wasn't like then.
It wasn't like then.
Best night of my life.
You're just joking, though, aren't you, Jeannie?
I'm not joking. I was jealous last night.
That was a wee test.
A wee test?
You told me you never slept with them in high school, at our ladies.
Everybody slept with Jerry in high school?
No.
No, everybody did.
You're my best friend, Jeannie. You're my best friend.
And you're my best friend?
You told me you never slept with them, and now you're telling me you slept with them.
It was common knowledge everybody slept with Jerry.
It's not what Jerry said.
What did Jerry say?
Jerry said he only slept with me.
He's a liar.
I'm gonna barge in that hotel room and I'm gonna confront Jerry.
He's not there anymore.
Where'd you send him?
I told you it was a weird night.
What, he left in the middle?
Yeah, sort of. He sort of left in the middle.
He left something there in the middle.
Oh, I've got some good news for you.
I did it. I confronted my fear. What was your good news? Tell me first.
Oh, well, you tell me how you confronted him first, then I'll tell you mine.
I went home, right? I got my trombone.
Nice.
This is my own, my new trombone.
And I knew that he was getting it on.
And I found out where they were staying.
And I stood outside.
I heard them starting, they were getting down dead.
And I started to just play along.
You know, have you ever seen those videos of the ones that they're playing, like a trombone as they're walking down the street?
Yeah, I know, I've seen them.
I started playing.
Oh my god.
So I was disrupting his rhythm.
And I think every time I heard them, you know, getting involved, I would...
Right, that makes absolute.
And the other thing I've been researching is I know about the brown note.
The brown note?
The brown note.
What's the brown note?
Brown note. If you play some instruments to a certain pitch.
Sarah, I have something to tell you.
What?
There's no good way to say this.
When you were receiving your award...
And then going to mind your seven children.
Yes.
I wasn't there.
Where were you, daddy?
Tell me.
I was in a hotel room, Sarah.
I was shitting myself.
Back to Dumbraken is created, produced and edited by Connacht McVeigh.
For more information and podcasts, you can follow us at DumbrakenPod on Instagram.
There are 14 people in this episode, so for that entire list, check out the show notes.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dumbraken very soon.